#i'm just so tired and checking my email was like my ONE little pick me up and now I don't even fucking have that

[plague-of-insomnia]

.

[roosterforme]

Yours Truly, Bradley Bradshaw Part 5 | Rooster x Reader

Summary: With each email written and received, you and Bradley are both aching for more details. While he's thinking about plans for a first date, you get apprehensive, knowing you're going to be devastated when he returns to wherever he calls home after a few days of leave. If the two of you had an opportunity to speak more intimately, there's a chance the details could fall into place.

Warnings: Fluff, language, Bradley being hot

Length: 4200 words

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Female teacher!Reader

Check out my masterlist for more! Yours Truly, Bradley Bradshaw masterlist

After much consideration on the matter, you sat down at home that evening with your phone and started to type up a response to Bradley. He wanted to know in an overabundance of detail how you'd feel if he asked to cancel your dinner reservation and chill with takeout instead? You weren't quite sure what he was getting at, and it felt a little bit like he had given you another assignment to work on, but you were planning on being completely transparent with him. 

Once again, the ease with which you and he communicated, even through the written word alone, was something that made you a little dizzy. A little needy. Bradley had better communication skills and paid you more attention than half of the men you'd dated, and he wasn't even in the same time zone as you.

Bradley,

We got the package you sent. My kids went wild over their personalized notes, as per usual. You've reached full celebrity status in my classroom. We'll be working on sending some notes back to you in the next few days, so brace yourself.

Please remember that you asked me for an abundance of detail here... What would I do if you wanted to change plans? Wanted to spend a quiet evening hanging out at your place instead of going out? In an extreme effort to sound as cool as possible right now... just thinking about this is making me feel warm enough that I need to take a lap around my apartment. I guess first of all, I would tell you that as far as takeout is concerned, I love Thai food the most. I'm not very picky though, so even a generic pizza and some beer would more than suffice. 

If you said you were tired from work and still wanted to hang out, I wouldn't be too pressed about the details. I would be perhaps a little giddy that you missed me enough to want me around. I'd offer to pick up dinner on my way. I would let you choose the movie. I wouldn't even be upset if you fell asleep. In fact I'd probably just cover you with a blanket and let you doze. There is perhaps no worse feeling than forcing yourself to go out when you just really don't want to. And right now nothing sounds better to me than watching a movie with you on your couch. But I have to know... if you're 6'1", are you too tall to stretch out there comfortably? Where would I end up? Would we be touching? Please reply with an abundance of detail. 

I know this scenario is purely hypothetical, but it does sound pretty perfect. I'll be thinking about splitting some Thai curry with you on your couch for a long time. Maybe during those couple days of leave when you get back to San Diego, we could meet? I think I would like that, even if you just have one day before you have to get back to your regular routine. And now I need to take another lap around my apartment.

One last thing. The aviator who took my photo on the beach was a woman, but I appreciate your response. I can't guarantee I'll stay off the beach, but I can guarantee that I'll give a guy a chance. Also, what does a girl have to do around here to get a dreamy sunset photo of you? 

Once again, hitting send before I can change my mind.

You took another lap around your apartment, even going so far as to walk around the block before it got too dark outside. Thai food and Bradley Bradshaw and a movie on his couch. There was a loop playing in your mind where he leaned in and kissed you before calling you 'Gorgeous Girl' and reaching for your hand.

"Why are you torturing yourself like this?" you moaned out loud when you walked back inside all flushed with desire. You took a long bath. You made some sleepy time tea. You sat on your couch with your notebook and worked on lesson plans until it was pretty late, but you weren't tired at all.

Frustrated that you were letting this man take over so much of your brain, you went to your bedroom and plugged your phone in for the night. And that's when you heard the familiar ping, alerting you to the fact that you had a new email.

"No way," you gasped when you looked at the screen. You'd just send him a response two hours ago, and Bradley had already written back. You flopped down onto your bed, wrenching your phone back from the charger as you started to read.

Hey, Gorgeous,

Your answer was enlightening, thank you. Relieved to hear you wouldn't pout about missing the dinner reservation. I love Thai food, but I would absolutely insist on grabbing the takeout and having you pick the movie (nothing with scary spiders, please). 

I actually don't really fit on my couch too well at all. If I really stretch out, my feet dangle over the arm, and there wouldn't be much room left for you, too. Would we be touching? God, I hope so. Where would you end up? I'm blushing just thinking about the possibilities. 

You asked for details? Well, I'd ask for permission. If you gave me permission to touch you, we'd be holding hands. If you gave me permission for more than that, then you'd be covering both of us with a blanket, and I'd be holding you a lot closer. I don't think I should provide further details on that right now, actually. Gorgeous girl, you're messing with my head.

If you're feeling generous enough to give me a chance, then I'm feeling generous enough to send you a sunset photo. But frankly a girl like you isn't going to have to do much at all to get whatever she wants. Next decent sunset around here is all for you.

Your Truly,

Bradley

Well, you may never sleep again. You read his email twice before pulling up the photo of him in front of his jet, and your mind started to wander as you looked at his face. No, you'd never sleep again.

------------------------------

Bradley felt pretty ridiculous. He'd never taken so many photos of himself before in his life. Snapping a few for your class while in his cockpit with all of his gear on was one thing, but trying to get a flattering one of his face with the sun setting in the middle of the ocean was something else entirely. He was alone in a deserted part of the deck, thankful nobody else could see him. 

"Maybe she won't notice if I'm not in it," he muttered as he snapped one of the setting sun. The sky was glowing a deep orange, and the clouds moving in made everything look even dreamier. He started thinking about you and the fact that you said you were going to give him a chance. The details weren't important. He'd work that part out. When he got back to San Diego, he was going to see if you and he were as compatible in person as you were right now. But the remainder of his deployment was the one thing that was preventing that from happening immediately, and you did ask him for a photo of himself. If you really wanted it, he'd make sure you had it.

He had never been so stressed out about his scars in his adult life before right now. The best photo he took of himself was one where they looked a little more prominent. He'd sleep on it tonight and consider if he wanted to send it or a different one. Usually he didn't care at all. He supposed that in person, women would either talk to him or not, depending upon if they were bothered by the way he looked or not. But you weren't with him in person, and the more detailed the photos were, the more likely you were to dwell on his face now. He really wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

After grabbing an inspired dinner alone in the mess hall, he thought about eating spicy Thai curry on his couch while you and he argued playfully about which movie to watch. Then he thought about you sitting on his lap and maybe even touching his scars which he hoped you wouldn't be bothered by. Then, as he changed to head to the gym, he imagined all the things he thought about but didn't tell you. Like pulling you onto his lap or stretching out on his couch with you lying mostly on top of him. His hand would find a nice resting spot on your back, or maybe even a little lower. His lips would eventually find yours, and the movie would become a distant memory in his mind.

"Shit." Now he was the one who needed to walk a lap before he could even go to the gym. He was already sweating by the time he got there, making it his continued mission to avoid the married woman while he listened to his playlist. He did a few extra reps, knowing you were on dry land in San Diego and wanting to make sure he looked as good as possible. Maybe he could make up for the close up photo of his face with his body.

Without sleeping on it, Bradley went back to the lounge and logged in. He sent you the best photo of the bunch along with two sentences.

Thinking of you, Gorgeous. Tell me about your week.

But he didn't hear back from you right away, and it wasn't for lack of checking his inbox. He hoped you and your students were working their way through the last batch of notes that he'd mailed. Or maybe you were busy and tired from taking them on a field trip. He was hoping there was a reason other than you not liking his bad selfie that meant he didn't get a response. 

Luckily he got busy over the weekend so he didn't have to think about it as much. Each time he climbed that ladder up to his cockpit and waited patiently for his jet to launch from the carrier deck, he took a few seconds to clear his mind and make sure he was focused on the right thing. He needed to survive this deployment so he could even potentially allow his thoughts to go further with you later.

When he made his way back to the lounge after dinner and a shower on Sunday night, he definitely got more in his inbox than he was hoping for. And not in a good way. There was a new message from you, but it was sitting right beneath a second, newer message. From Vanessa.

"What the fuck?" Bradley asked himself, loud enough that the guy next to him turned and glanced his way. It had been months since they'd spoken. Literally fucking months, and she was emailing him now? "No." Sudden panic started to boil to the surface as he quickly tried to click on it, now terrified about what she could be contacting him in regards to.

Hi,

I'm only writing to you because I have a bit of an issue that I need your help dealing with. I can't find my favorite water bottle anywhere. I think it's in your kitchen cabinet, and I just started at a new gym, so I really need it. Let me know how I can get into your house to retrieve it. And please don't take forever to respond to this like you usually do. Like I said, I really need it.

Vanessa

It was a joke. It must be. Bradley double checked the email address to make sure he wasn't being pranked by Nat or somebody else, but no, it was really from Vanessa. 

"A fucking water bottle?" he muttered. He couldn't even picture what she was talking about. Unless it was that ugly, oversized pink thing she used to carry around with her everywhere? The one with the big handle that he joked could double as a weapon? That thing?

What the fuck. He wrote back to her before he even bothered to open the email from you.

Vanessa, it's a water bottle. And it's already been months. Can't this wait until I'm home?

He hit send, rolled his shoulders and took a few deep breaths. He could archive her message so he didn't have to see it again, and he'd just deal with her bullshit later. He would read what you had to say instead, and hopefully it would cheer him up. But after he stood and stretched for a minute and sat back down, there was already a new response from Vanessa waiting for him.

"What the actual hell?" he grunted. He didn't even know what time it was at home, and he didn't take the few seconds to do the math as he started to read.

No, Bradley. I can't wait. It's a $65 sustainable, dual temperature, leak proof water bottle in a limited edition color. And I would like it back. I tried to find a replacement online, but I do not want a potentially used water bottle. Please advise.

He sat there with his fists clenched and his jaw set tight. He literally could not believe her. Anyone else would just use a different water bottle like a normal person, but he knew she'd be on his ass nonstop about this now. The fact that he was going to have to explain this situation to Nat and beg her to go over there with his spare key was almost laughable. He'd probably owe her two steak dinners if he asked her to deal with his ex girlfriend, because she never could stomach Vanessa. 

He sent Nat a quick email anyway with Vanessa's phone number which he had to look up in his phone, begging her to take care of this for him. It would be worth the price of two dinners at this point. Then he settled back in his seat and tapped on your beautiful name, letting the monitor fill up with your words. When he started reading, he forgot he was supposed to feel nervous at what you sent back in response to the close up selfie.

Bradley,

Wow. I didn't think things could improve after the photo of you with your jet and the video where you're speaking. But I was wrong. So wrong. And I'm not upset about it. You're very handsome. The sunset looks okay, too. Now you're the one messing with my head.

I'm sorry I didn't write back immediately, but you should know that your hot photo has taken up residence in my mind. My week involved three of my students getting sick with the flu as well as a bunch of parent/teacher conferences, and tonight I'm really tired. The idea of snuggling, or more, with you on your couch has been playing on loop. I'm giving you permission to hold my hand if we ever meet in person. You have very nice looking hands. You have a very nice looking everything. Would you mind me asking how old you are?

Right, well, we mailed another box back to you on Friday afternoon. My kids asked me to project a photo of a Super Hornet onto the wall so they could have a drawing contest. I finally caved and let them, and they want you to be the judge. And once again, you'll have eighteen individual letters to read. Nineteen if you include the one I put in the box.

On that note, I'm going to take a bath and snuggle up in bed. And you can't blame a girl for looking at that photo again.

Yours Truly,

Your favorite pen pal 

Now this was the kind of thing he wanted in his inbox, not questions about missing water bottles. Bradley hit reply immediately, happy that you hadn't even mentioned his scars. You thought he was handsome in the close up picture? He always figured he was okay enough looking that his height and build made women say he was attractive. But you actually called him handsome. He started typing back to you, already feeling so much better.

--------------------------

After resting all weekend, you were definitely feeling better. You loved your students, but sometimes dealing with their parents was more than you bargained for. Adults were often worse than kids when it came to complaining and exercising patience. All of the conferences from last week were a thing of the past now, but you still felt a little bad for taking so long to write back to Bradley. Especially after he sent you that photo.

Maybe you felt like you had to reel it in a little bit. What was the most that was going to happen? He'd agree to meet you during his short leave in San Diego? Maybe you'd go out on a date? It would probably be the best date of your life. It might even turn out to be the best night of your life. And then he'd leave for another station with the Navy, or maybe he'd return back home, leaving you feeling even lonelier than you did before you inadvertently mailed him that first box.

It was a good thing you had your students to take your mind off things on Monday morning. 

"Are we going to talk about aviation now or after lunch?" Violet asked as she unpacked her pencil box.

You took a deep breath and said, "We're actually going to start a unit on Natural History today." Eighteen pairs of eyes stared at you like you'd completely lost your mind. "It'll be great!"

Oliver's hand rocketed into the air. "Does Lieutenant Bradley also know stuff about Natural History? Is that what we're going to write to him about now?"

Great. Your students were just as attached as you were. "Well since our aviation unit is going to be tapering off, we probably won't need to be writing to him as much now."

"What?" gasped Jayden. 

"No way," complained Nia. 

After that, you tried to move along with your lesson plans, but the entire class just sat there quietly, barely engaged with what you were saying. And perhaps part of it was your fault, because you didn't really feel like teaching this after all. By the time lunch and recess arrived, you felt defeated. You sat quietly at your desk in your empty classroom while your kids played outside, and you ate your lunch while you checked your phone. Bradley had written back an hour ago. Even if you wanted to wait until later to read it, you wouldn't have been able to.

Hey, Gorgeous,

That note from you made my day. I can't wait for the new letters from the kids to arrive so I can spend my evenings writing back instead of absolutely living in the gym right now. You want me to judge a drawing contest? Bring it on. I'm so ready.

I'll tell you how old I am. I wasn't expecting to be so nervous about it, though. I'm thirty-six. You definitely look younger than that. I know it's never appropriate to ask a woman how old she is, so maybe you'll offer that number up without me asking? And maybe you'll tell me that I'm still within the age range of men you let email you regularly? Please?

Not gonna lie, taking a hot bath sounds amazing right now. And snuggling up in something bigger than an extra long twin bed would be heavenly. And thinking about you doing either of those things is enough to get me through the week with a smile on my face. Maybe even through the rest of the month. Maybe even to the point where I'm in San Diego. You'd look adorable snuggled up in your bed. But then again, when aren't you completely Gorgeous?

I'll be waiting for more air mail and another email.

Yours Truly,

Bradley Bradshaw

"Damn it," you groaned, melting back into your desk chair and shoving a cracker into your mouth. Even if meeting him was going to be a one-off, you still wanted to do this. You still wanted to write back to him and flirt and listen to his voice in the video he sent for your class with Marty the mechanic. You wanted to think about him working out on the aircraft carrier. You still wanted him to call you Gorgeous. You'd write back tonight.

-----------------------

Bradley was taking another video and some more photos in the shop with Marty for your class when one of the admirals stopped by. He jumped to attention and addressed him. "Sir, what can I do for you?"

"Lieutenant Bradshaw, you haven't put in for a phone call. Would you like to?"

Bradley just blinked at him for a few seconds. "I don't really have anyone to call, Sir." But that wasn't completely true. He'd never actually asked you about it, but he wouldn't mind calling your number. Which he didn't even have.

The admiral nodded and said, "Just giving first dibs to my high rankers who haven't made a call home yet. Otherwise you're dismissed, Lieutenant."

As soon as he started to walk away, Bradley found himself following along. "Actually, Sir, I may have changed my mind."

If he was already thinking about Thai food and a picnic on the beach for a first date, he might as well just ask you for your number now. As long as you didn't tell him his age was an issue. As long as you seemed keen on the idea of him calling. So he put his name down on the list, and then he started to sweat. He finished up with Marty, and he headed for the lounge.

When he logged in, he braced himself for another note from Vanessa like he always did now, but the only new item he saw was from you. He decided right then that if the vibes still felt right, he'd ask for permission to call you. And yeah, the vibes were feeling pretty fucking good. 

As soon as he opened the email, the attached photo at the bottom pulled his gaze in like a beacon. You were in bed, mostly under the covers, and the thin straps of some sort of tank top were the only thing preventing him from having a completely unobstructed view of both of your shoulders. Your skin looked impossibly soft, too perfect for him to touch with his rough hands, and your expression was playful and maybe a little nervous. He could see the soft swell of your breasts before the blankets enveloped your body in the most comfortable looking cocoon. He wanted to join you there in the worst way, and keep you warm enough that you wouldn't even need that blanket.

His heart was pounding as he started to read your note.

Bradley,

You know, it's funny you should mention that, because my currently inactive dating app profile says I'm interested in men who are between 30 and 40 years old. So you sound kind of perfect to me. And not that you asked or anything, but I turned 30 earlier this year. I hope that's within the age range of women that you let email you regularly.

I'm writing this from my bed. I have attached a photo. I'm not wearing any makeup, and I'm all snuggled in for the night, and of course I'm thinking about you. Whether it's a good idea or not, I find myself frequently thinking about you.

Your favorite pen pal

He scrolled back to the photo and sighed. Oh, he knew it was a good idea. Maybe you just needed a little bit more convincing, but it was definitely a great idea. That first date was looking better and better in his mind. He wished he could give you an estimate on when he'd be home so the two of you could start planning it. Bradley's stomach was growling for dinner as he pried his eyes away from your photo long enough to type out a message.

Hey, Gorgeous,

You're the only woman I'm going to let email me regularly. And I was right. You do look adorable snuggled up in your bed. That photo is going to keep me up at night wondering how cute you'd look in mine...

It looks like I'll have the opportunity to make a phone call soon, and I'd love to hear your voice. If you want to talk. I can't guarantee I won't sound like an idiot, tripping over my words the whole time, but hey, a guy can dream. Will you let me have your phone number?

Yours Truly,

Bradley

And now, once again, he would wait for you to respond, hoping his luck wasn't about to run out.

------------------------

A phone call! She him your number immediately, Gorgeous! There are some things you need to hear him say in that raspy, sexy voice! Thank you @beyondthesefourwalls

PART 6

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[slugtranslation-hypmic]

Hihi slug, I love your work, and thanks for everything!! Since Matenro season is nearly upon us, I was wondering if we could get your opinion on the solo snippets🤞🤞

Matenro's new solo previews are SO GOOD, what do you think of them?

Thank you both for notifying me about them! Taking a look now...

(The album is probably already out now, but... better late than never...)

Jakurai's A Majestic Figure

Title note: 4-kanji compounds are like the SAT vocab words of Japanese; they're not super common in everyday speech and can evoke a literary or sophisticated feeling. This one is...interesting. To the best of my knowledge, it isn't a standard compound (I'm also not getting any hits when I Google it) and I wonder if that's significant. It's just two words strung together to make the appearance of fanciness, perhaps. I couldn't say for certain. At any rate, both 威風 and (especially) 颯爽 describe a majestic, often captivating appearance. This isn't to say that such qualities of dignity or majesty aren't real, but I definitely feel like both terms are defining a subject from an outside perspective. These aren't terms I would ever expect someone to describe themselves with, which makes the song title sound like it's an outside observer commenting on Jakurai instead of Jakurai talking about himself. We see this happen a lot in Hypmic, with people putting Jakurai on pedestals or Jakurai struggling to see himself as the same grand figure others perceive him as. As a result, I wrote the song title as "A Majestic Figure" to emphasize the appearance of majesty, whereas the character of the figure is unknown. Anyway, let's dive in and see what this is all about.

(10 seconds in) Vibing with these instrumentals

(19 seconds in) Not vibing with these "ah"s... but we can't have everything in life

(43 seconds in) I'm a little too tired to fully keep up (I'll look up the lyrics when I'm done) but I REALLY like the urgency in the delivery, which is so at odds with the flowing, dignified background music. In JPN fiction as a whole, flusteredness/desperation is contrasted with calmness as a synonym for imperfection and perfection. Jakurai is, honestly, really kind of a desperate character...yet one that appears outwardly calm/perfect to most of the rest of the cast, so it's interesting that we get to see his desperate nature on full display right at the start of the song.

(1:26 in) Hand motif mentioned *Cinemasins ding* (of

(End) Thank you uta-net for having the lyrics up already; ily. Let's see now... Interesting. I'll have to read them again in more depth later, but it looks like a call to forgive past wounds and seek out a better, less painful way of existence--in a societal sense, a religious (as in like, ascending or becoming enlightened) sense, and a personal sense. All great things to see Jakurai expressing. Again, it's interesting to see Jakurai expressing this with such urgency, even if these are things we know he really, really cares about. That coupled with the background music seems to match a bit in the lyrics that says "And [to end war within society, paraphrased] I take grand, dignified action mixed with the discord and noise of Shinjuku, a samsara spiral of cacophonous echoes." Mixing the stately and the chaotic, the "imperfect" and the "perfect." Really interesting stuff!

Hifumi's The Beginning of the Last Song

Title note: "Last Song" is English and written in katakana, which is a sharp contrast to the style of Jakurai's title. Creates a much younger and casual feel appropriate for Hifumi. Not much else to say here, so let's jump in.

(10 seconds in) Modern indie pop song on the radio feel. I'm not a fan of autotune in general so I'm not in love with this, but I'm hopeful it'll pick up soon.

(22 seconds in) I listen to so much "soft hiphop" (for lack of a better term) during work that my brain instantly catapulted itself into work mode and stopped paying any attention to the words. Coffee mug? Check. Emails? Check. Anxiety? Check. Let me rewind and listen to this properly.

(32 seconds in but for real this time) So far, very Hifumi. Opening verse has some fun figurative language but essentially says Hifumi's suit is pure courage he dons like a suit of armor. In doing so, it masks him and makes him become like a whole other person. From there, he switches to addressing a listener: "I want to soothe your mental wounds. I want to change your frown into a smile. I won't let go of your hands, and no, I'm not doing this for a reward." It's something that Hifumi should be saying to himself (something Hifumi wants to hear, maybe?) and yet he says "To [Host!]me, this is happiness."

(59 seconds in) Hmm... I was going to say this song feels sad to me, because all these positive messages of "Keep going! You're safe now!" are framed as being directed at other people, and I was like..."Hifumi, who's going to say that to you? Who's going to help you feel that way?" but then the line "You made me realize I'm not alone" radically flips the framing so that it DOES become things Hifumi is saying to himself, too. How nice. :) I would not want to translate this, personally... Haha it's using the vagueness of Japanese grammar and lyrical conventions to great effect, but I don't feel comfortable touching that personally.

(1:02) Hell yeah, belt that shit, homie

(1:32) So it's a last song in the sense that it's a farewell or the final song of his old self. Now he's the new, healing Hifumi. We love to see it 10/10 bravo. The song is also a happy, heartfelt thank you to the unspoken listeners (presumably Matenrou) who helped him feel less alone. That's cute! I like it. I probably shouldn't go here, but I find it intriguing how the vagueness of listeners is utilized. The first time the listeners are addressed, the language is...if not borderline romantic, pathos-filled to the point where it's definitely evocative of his host job (hence why he's not seeking compensation for handholding, an often romantic gesture). Yet it's borderline enough that it wouldn't be inappropriate to imagine it being addressed to Matenrou instead of his patrons. Hahaha. Again, another reason I don't want to go near this one.

(Overall) I like it! A nice ballad for Hifumi.

Doppo's Andante

(5 seconds in) For a song called Andante, this has a faster tempo than at least one other song on this album lol. But it's much less frenetic than Doppo's other solos, so there's that, I guess.

(7 seconds in) This delivery is giving me anime ending made by a 2010s rock band vibes lol.

(14 seconds in) Damn there's a baller line here that I'm stumped on how to convey in Eng in a way that's both baller and sensical. Meaning wise, it's like "I want to take back the things I shouldn't have said and give them as a present to you" and in figurative language it's like "Once, I used to fire words into the air [speak things in anger or carelessly]. Now, I want to gather them up [esp. like a bouquet of flowers] after their flight and use them to decorate you [again, like flowers or like a piece of jewelry--it's a positive connotation]" Pop off, Doppo

(40 seconds in) Oh this is killer and also going to need some major explaining. Doppo's name is literally "he who walks alone" which is usually considered a positive thing--someone who "walks the path of life" alone would have gotten there by outstripping the rest of the pack. In Doppo's case, though, this is a negative thing. I think it's not as obvious to Eng-only fans, and I know I didn't really think about it for a long time myself, but Doppo considers himself a "loser" bc he didn't follow a conventional life path. It's considered atypical to switch employers, especially very early on in one's career, as he did when he stood up for Hifumi and got himself fired at his first job. Part of why he puts up with shitty treatment at EL Medical is because it's one of the few places that would hire someone who switched employers at such a young age. (Sidebar: My (probably flawed, as I don't live in Japan) impression is that this is becoming less and less of a thing as time goes on and the economy goes to shit, but I think it's the self-stigma more than anything else that's affecting Doppo. To me, it feel similar to the societal pressures in the US to attend and graduate from a four-year college. Plenty of people don't for all sorts of reasons, but because that's so ingrained as the default life story for Americans in a lot of communities, Doppo's dealing with the kind of disappointment and self-hatred someone who dropped out before getting a four year degree might feel.) Doppo beats himself up about that a lot, but here we get that lovely line of "In the waves of people (hitonami) passing all around me, I no longer see anyone who looks like me. It's a shame, because I always wanted to be just like everyone else (hitonami)." Outside of that beautiful wordplay on hitonami, we're also treated to the figurative language of hitonami being literally "in line with others." Doppo, a character who walks through life alone, wanted to walk through life at the same pace/reaching the same milestones at the same time as everyone else.

(1:04 in) "Life is a tightrope act; it's like walking a balance beam [lit. "average beam" aka a beam where everything is averaged/balanced]. In a country where not everything can be average (narasarenai) and where even if the things that [I] can accomplish (narasareru) don't matter [in the eyes of society], sometimes the sounds I want to make don't come out right (narasarenai). When that happens, I can call myself pitiful--or I can feel the breathing of the beautiful flowerbed that is this city, and when someone's humming under their breath disturbs that short break [lit. breath], I ask them 'So, what is this happiness thing anyway?'" I would rather die than TL this song but I'm LOVING the creativity and depth of the lyrics.

(1:27) WILD! FUCKING! CHEERING!!! "You fake smiles in a mirror to make other people happy and call it love. It's a form of hypnosis, and I've made a go of falling under its spell because I just want to be equals [on par with, balanced], and so if you and I can walk these crowded streets together, then I think I don't mind as much that I'm always walking alone." THE GROWTH! THE GROWTH!!!!

Damn, this album's lyrics go hard. What a feast.

[allpiesforourown]

Hey, so sorry to be using your inbox like a fuckin confessional, but getting that dream thing off my chest literally cleared my skin and I've just got this itch that needs to be addressed so I'm taking it out on you again. Reflecting on this thought the second after I had it made me think, "Oh, I get what Shen Yuan was on about now," and so here I am, typing this shit out ig. fucking embarrassing, anyway.

So, like. I watch those gacha react videos on youtube. Like a concerning amount of those gacha react videos, man. I fuckin love them so much, even if I wouldn't admit to it under pain of death to anyone I know or love. I have a seperate youtube channel I made under a fake email that I made specifically to watch them. It's bad. I remember back when it was just me and the FF.net filter system before they added the 'Without' section at the bottom and trying to find crossover content in the LoZ tag between games. 10th circle of hell; my 13th reason. Gacha react videos in concept are heavensent for my inner child, and on the rare occasion I find one of those 'fandom react' series that are active or complete and well done, it grants me joy on par with nigh nothing else.

This being said, I understand that the main demographic for this content tends to be a handful of years younger than me. I've seen community posts on some channels mentioning their time in college, but these are few and far between in my experience. I appreciate these teen's artistry in putting these all together, because god knows I'm not, but like,,, --and I know I sound like an ass right now but bare with me-- it feels like with the conclusion of Arcane came a flood of reaction videos with no real substance. I've watched upward of what feels like thirty seperate videos --at least,-- on the show and its the same ten to twenty edits I've seen on repeat and I'm watching them by pressing the skip key and catching half the dialouge only to come out the other side tired and a little miffed. Then I feel bad, because they created something and all I did was mindlessly consume and feel entitled to complain. Ugh.

Now, Because I've been cycling through these almost cookie cutter videos for ages --I used Arcane vids as an example before because its recent and relevant, but I do have this take for a whole slew of the fandoms I watch react videos on, and I picked this addiction up in 2021 so it's been a minute-- I've begun predicting the dialouge before it's come up and projecting what I hope the author will say. If I see a video with, for example, Giyuu from kny seeing Sabito in a video, I hope to see shock, yes, but also to see him comment or think about how he hasn't seen his face in so long, you know? Just... things that aren't just "OMG!!" or making the characters eyes widen. I've found now that I seek out these videos for the slim chance that they'll provide me with the satisfaction I get from these moments of true understanding with the presented characters.

Yes, I know that there really isn't any "true" way to understand a character, and that while we are all entitled to our own interpretations of media, the insistence that mine alone is more "right" or "correct" is bullshit, but I'm not saying that my preference has to be law, only that I get a rush of happiness whenever something I like happens to pop up in a video that I was already checking out of because it failed to really,,,,wow me. This is my bias speaking, of course, but its also the reality of my situation borne from overconsumption of this genre.

But anyway, onto the main point of how this relates to svsss. I was watching a video just a minute ago --an Arcane video, big shocker I know-- where there was a line from the creator's Vander character about how he wasn't ready to see Vi so grown up, because to him she's still his little girl. I thought, "Yes!!! This!! He's a father! He's showing realistic reactions to seeing your child suddenly grown up, and while he's proud of the woman she became, he still loves her as she is in the moment!!" ....I then watched the rest of the reaction, and was left cold and disappointed in the end. I'd clicked for Viktor, got three videos of him in a twenty minute reaction when the rest was the same four edits of jinx on repeat. Love you Jinx, but holy fuck. I thought then, "God, what a waste of potential." The creator of the video had insightful dialouge, clearly a decent grasp on character interaction, and the drive to create the video in the first place, but settled for pumping out another copy of the same video they've released three times previous on the same channel.

Then I thought, "Oh, like PIDW."

I need to get a life, Tumblr user allpiesforourown. If your blog wasn't so damn entertaining, I might even go out and touch grass one day. Take responsibility, damn.

(ty for reading my rant, if you did. have a good day regardless.)

I think you watching gacha react videos for characterization might be the one and only thing more baffling than Shen Yuan reading porn for plot. Hope you find gacha videos of Vander teaching his daughter how to ride a bike

[queenofbaws]

"i missed hearing your voice.." Jossam post game? I hope things are going alright

He told himself that he wasn't worried, that he'd pulled off crazier stunts than this without breaking a sweat. The ball was in his court, after all, and even if he didn't have the home team advantage as he parked his car and stepped out onto her driveway (salt crunching under his feet like grit from the mines), other advantages abounded: he looked pathetic, for one, bruised like an overripe summer peach; he'd had time to run his lines, for another, drafting before refining, refining before editing, editing before finalizing, finalizing before practicing, practicing, practicing.

Even now, as he carefully climbed the steps to her front door, setting a little more weight than usual against the side rail (he'd landed strangely when he'd fallen into the vent shaft, and all the kings horses and all the kings men hadn't quite been able to figure out how or why he'd managed to fuck that muscle group up in such a particular fashion), he worked through the script in his head:

Hi there, long time no see! I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd check in...I think maybe you forgot to pay your phone bill this month - the damn thing just rings and rings when I call, no answer, no voicemail, nothing. Hey, look, don't sweat it, I don't even care that you kinda-sorta blew the lodge to smithereens, that's what we've got insurance for, know what I mean? What's a little property damage between friends? Oh, quick question while I have you: You don't, ha ha ha, hee hee hee, hoo hoo hoo, I don't know, hate me, do you?

But before he could so much as knock, Sam opened the door and his oh-so-brilliant plan crumbled into so much dust.

She had that effect on him. Always had.

Why hadn't he planned for that?

There was a beat where they simply stood like that, opposite one another in a hundred separate ways, her arms folded despite being on the warmer side of the threshold, his open wide despite the cold, both of them posturing, posturing, posturing as if they could fix the problem through body language alone.

Josh wet his lips. Forgot his lines. "Hi." There. Hi there. That was what he'd practiced, that was what he'd written, that was part of the plan that would endear him to her again. It wouldn't come out, though, couldn't squeeze its way through the pinhole of his throat, not now that she was actually looking at him, not now that they were close enough for him to smell her fabric softener and see the butterfly bandage holding that cut over her eyebrow together.

He tried again, took it from the top as Dad would say...and failed just as spectacularly. "I, uh, hi."

Sam's entire body seemed to move with her breath, drawing up on the inhale, folding over on the exhale. She was tired, he saw, she was so, so tired - and all because of him. "What do you want, Josh?" she asked, the question smooth and unhalting, improvised but earnest.

He hadn't considered that. Hadn't planned on a question. He hadn't practiced any answers, hadn't drafted a line of banter that would come across as suitably apologetic while still being rakish and playful, and -

And...

And.

And, God help him, it all just came out.

"I wanted to see you," he said, the rush of blood in his ears deafening him to his own voice, filling his head with panicked radio static. "I know I'm the last person you want to see, but...you weren't answering your phone, you weren't answering your messenger, you weren't answering your email - holy shit, Sammy, I almost picked up a pencil to write you an actual hand-to-God letter, but I was worried you'd throw it in the shredder as soon as you saw my name, and there'd go my seventy-three cents of postage. In this economy, I - "

Her eyebrows went up. His stomach sank into his feet.

He tried again.

"Look, I...I know you don't want to talk to me. If I were you, I wouldn't want to talk to me either, but...but you don't have to talk. You don't have to say a word to me if you don't want, you can close the door in my face right here, right now, and I'll get it, I really will, but I just..." His throat was a desert. He swallowed hard, found his words cracking anyway. "I miss hearing your voice. I miss seeing you. I...I miss everything about you, and I know the only person to blame for that shit is me, but I don't know how to fix it, so..." Out went his arms again, a pathetic mimicry of himself, a gesture as hollow as it was familiar. "I'm open to suggestions."

Sam took another breath, her shoulders rising then falling, her gaze never flinching, and something in the shape of her mouth, the jut of her hip, convinced him that he'd been right, that she was only a second away from slamming the door in his face, turning the latch so hard he'd be able to hear it click. After what he'd put her through - after what he'd put them all through - it was what he deserved, what he had coming, what he'd brought down on himself, what he'd -

"You should probably start by coming in, then," she sighed, finally dropping her eyes from his as she held the door open, making space for him to step inside. "My list's a little too long to go through with the wind blowing like that - trust me, I've timed it."

"I bet you have, Sammy," he said as he took that first step onto the mat, his eyes prickling from the warmth of her house and something else, something he wasn't quite willing to let himself believe yet. "And I'm all ears."

[pbandjesse]

I am real real tired this evening. But I'm also in a pretty good mood. And apparently the northern lights might be visible tonight??? It will probably be to cloudy for us to a really see anything but just that it could happen is so interesting.

Today was a hard work day. Very hard work. I did not expect to be in the rain and mud as much as I was. Honestly it was nice to be so active. I didn't feel bored until the end of the day. Mainly I was having a good time.

I slept pretty well too. When I woke up I was happy and James was there and things were good.

We are pretty sure bread is making my stomach hurt. So I'm trying to limit that. James made me just eggs for breakfast and a baked potato for lunch. Which I ended up not eating anyway because they ordered us pizza. But I did try! I need to try harder to limit bread if this pain is going to keep happening.

I would get dressed and was ready to be outside. I wore my new rain boots which were excellent. And I think I did a pretty good job picking out the outfit for the work.

I would leave here after saying goodbye to James. And it was a fine drive in to camp. It wasn't raining when I left but started soon after. James would only get a little drizzled on. But it was actually raining by the time I got to camp.

When I got there I checked in with Heather by text. I would be alone at camp for an hour or so. I would drop off the mixers I picked up yesterday and then worked on setting up my tent. The feild was already muddy and would only get worse. But it was fine. My boots protected me.

I didnt wear my rain coat for a few hours though. It was just drizzling and I didn't mind being a little damp. But it would get worse.

I felt like I was go go go for like 5 hours. After my tent was set up I would go to the Alaskan to find the other tent. Which ended up being a little broken. Frustrating but I tried my best to make it work. I couldn't get it all the way set up and I was really mad but I wasn't able to do it alone. Sarah, her dad Steve, and Dachelle would come help me later on. The broken part made the canopy fill with water which of course spilled on me. Terrible. I was trying very hard to not be sad.

I would be okay though and would head to the office to dry off and get a sit break while I created an Instagram post for the vendor market and compose the last email I would send to everyone. Which I think went well. I had to do some trouble shooting with Heather's computer because the zip file was only downloading to her drive and not her computer?? So weird but we handled it.

I would go back out to move tables. Using my wagon. Which is very silly but I moved 4 of the 14 tables by myself!! It was raining a lot harder now. And was not fun to be out in.

I would have to go and switch out my table for a smaller one because the rain was dripping on the longer table and I didn't want to deal with that so I went and grabbed the folding table I have in the art building. And while it's smaller I think it works just fine.

I didn't set up all of my stuff. But I have a better handle on it and it'll be quick in the morning. It's not supposed to rain tomorrow so hopefully it will be a non-issue. I really really hope that is the case. It's going to be a 12 hour day and emotionally I don't know if I can deal with that and the rain. Don't even mention wind! I just need tomorrow to go smoothly.

We had talked about merch for the puhtok table so I went back to the Alaskans (I would go up like 6 different times today) and found the box of mugs, fanny packs, backpacks, and ponchos. And I think they will sell really well. I would count out everything for Heather so we can keep track and I made a nice little poster so it'll be easy to buy things. I am excited to see it all come together.

I made my way to the lodge to drop off some small trash cans and ran into one of the friends of Puhtok (called FOP) (one of the volunteer organizations that helps with events and fundraising) who was unloading stuff. I offered to help but then realized that this stuff was for sure for the trading post. So after calling Alexi to double check we moved everything up there and that lead to me helping Heather direct traffic as some of our food trucks showed up and the beer truck. And it was a flurry of activity. I did my best to help with FOP and making decisions but I also felt a little. Unsure about everything. It's hard when everyone has an idea about how things should go. I tried to be like "hey this is how I think we should do this" but you know. Can't always be my ideas. Not that I want it to be.

But I always feel heard with Heather and that is nice.

I would make a few more drives to the Alaskan for basement stuff. And then they ordered us pizza. I was thrilled. I should have just had one piece but I didn't listen to my body and my stomach hurts again. I tried to sip water and just be alright. I would do some more computer tasks. And after a little break I would go to the lodge to clean coolers.

I was a little overwhelmed by the list of things that need to be done before the festival opens at noon. Volunteers are arriving at 930 so I am hoping it just comes together and is seamless. I had set up the square readers for credit cards. And things seems to be going really well with those. I just hope we can continue that trend.

I would clean 10 coolers. My hands were really dried out from the sanitizer that we have. And my fingers were already cracked in spots so it was kind of painful. Still is. I have been trying very hard to take care of my cuticles but I still have issues. My poor thumb is a disaster right now and very painful. I'm going to end up with bandaids on all my fingers again I swear.

I would check in at the office before I left. Chatted with Lou. Made sure there was nothing else they needed from me specifically and went over the plan for the morning with Heather. And then I was off.

I was covered in mud. So tired. And so ready to go home.

The drive home was tough but mostly because there was just tomfoolery on the road. Including a cop car just getting smashed in the intersection I have to take to go home. I would figure out a solution and only added a couple minutes to my drive.

When I got back here, after hugging Sweetp, I went and took a shower. I put on comfy clothes. And when I came downstairs James was just getting home. And made a big fuss about how pretty I was. And would go get changed.

We would talk about the market tomorrow. I needed a way to display my pins and James would lend me a baseball flag. And with that solved we would get on the couch to hang out. I played my video game. They edited their podcast. It was a really nice evening.

Eventually my head started to hurt from playing the game. And I would pass it over to James to play for a little. And now I am upstairs. James is checking on the clouds to see if we can see any of the northern lights. But I don't have high hopes well actually see anything. That is okay. I just like that it is happening. It's neat.

Tomorrow is the Monkton Music Festival! I really hope it is a good day. I don't even really care about my sales, I just want everyone else to do well. And I hope we get a lot of walk ups so that camp can raise more money.

So wish us luck. I love you all. Goodnight!

[aitathrowaway987654]

Hello, this is me! I know this is quite early in the submission's existence to be writing in with more information, but honestly I forgot that I submitted this (I was tired and upset at the time so I don't remember much) so it was a shock to stumble past this on my dash. It was very much a *Leonardo DiCaprio pointing meme* moment. Thank you everyone for all of your responses so far! Just here to clear a few things up that I didn't think to mention in my submission. In no way trying to justify anything! Just providing some extra context. Also giving you a little update, since this ask was written a week ago.

The main thing that everyone's bringing up in the comments is that I should have told my work that I had prior commitments during my interview. I did not have an interview for this job. I was planning on creating a resume and searching around to see who was hiring. My mum happened to be walking our dogs past the cafe one day, and went in quickly to see whether they were hiring, so I could know whether I should bother putting a resume in. She asked to talk to the owner, and then told him that I was going to be looking for work and asked whether they were looking for casual employees. The owner was basically like "We're always hiring. Send her in for a trial shift tomorrow, and if she likes it, she can start working". So that's what happened. There was no sort of interview or application process at all. If there had been, I almost definitely would have mentioned during that that I did have prior commitments and wouldn't be available. But because everything was so abrupt, I didn't think to bring it up during my trial shift (and the fatigue and burnout didn't help this), and by the time I was even finished I had already been rostered. Obviously if I could change that I would have let them know (hindsight's a bitch isn't it), and everyone is absolutely right in saying that it was my responsibility to do so. I just thought I should explain that I didn't have that typical application or interview process that everyone is mentioning.

The second thing is people saying I should have tried to reschedule my shifts. I did mention it in my ask, but I didn't really say it explicitly enough, but I did try to reschedule and couldn't find a way to. My paperwork was a mess, which meant that I never received the contact information for my manager or for the owners. Even now as I'm typing this over a week after I submitted this ask, I still have no one's phone number, email, or anything. This meant that I had no way to contact my manager and ask her to change my shift. I then tried to talk to one of the owners about it in person after my first official shift, who insisted that the manager's phone number was on the paperwork and that she was the one I had to ask. I double-checked the paperwork once I got home, and it was definitely not there. I then tried to talk to an owner again at my next shift, but they were busy and then had to leave early to pick up their kids so I didn't get the chance to ask them. When I wrote and submitted this, I also hadn't met my manager yet because she was away, so I couldn't contact her in person either. I tried asking one of my coworkers for the manager's phone number, and she said that she'd contact the manager for me. I tried to say that it'd just be helpful for me to have the manager's phone number for the future anyway, but she insisted on just doing it herself. And then she never did. That was my final shift before the day I was supposed to have rehearsals, so it was my last chance to talk to anyone in person. Once it became clear that my coworker hadn't contacted the manager for me, and I had no way to do this myself, this was when I decided that I had to text S and tell her I wasn't able to make it to the rehearsals.

One person also mentioned that I should have bowed out of the solo part — I offered to let someone else play the solo. After I missed the rehearsal that I wasn't aware about, a different music teacher (who was conducting the piece) contacted my mum because she was worried about me not knowing my part. I replied back to let her know that me and S had been rehearsing it in our lessons, but if she thought it was best if someone else played it instead, I would completely understand and be fine with it. Also worth mentioning is that it was not a big or difficult solo part at all — it wasn't the type of solo that was really exposed and everyone would be able to here, more just a slightly more melodic part than the rest of the cello section that complimented the violin solo part (which was a lot bigger). So I was confident that I could play it, but even if I wasn't, there were other people who could have done it if needed, and I expressed that I would be willing to bow out if that was what was best.

I think those were the main points being brought up, so now the update, since it's been a week since the concert itself. The piece I had a solo in went fine! No dramas in that. The Year 12 piece ended up getting cancelled — only one of the four of us showed up to that first rehearsal and the other two people didn't even tell S that they weren't coming, so she decided it was for the best that we just called it quits. I explained everything about not being able to cancel my shifts to S and she was a lot more understanding about it in person. So basically everything turned out for the best (which I'm extremely grateful for).

Thank you for everyone for being empathetic but honest — I've got a lot less going on now than I did when this was written, so I've had the time to acknowledge and understand that there were a lot of things I could have done differently. If this had been posted a week ago when all of those emotions were still flying high, I would have been a lot less receptive to the criticism, so it's definitely for the best that there's a delay in the queue. As I said, I'm not supplying this information in order to try and justify anything — I'm happy to accept the YTA verdict if that's what everyone thinks — just adding some info I should have included originally. If there's anything else I can make more clear, feel free to let me know.

@am-i-the-asshole-official

AITA for missing rehearsals for a concert?

I (17X) play the cello and am participating in my local conservatorium’s string ensembles concert in three days. I have been aware of the concert since the start of term (aka four weeks ago). For the first three weeks of this term, I have been completing my final high school exams (I can’t be more specific because it differs wordwide, but they’re the exams that acknowledge that you’ve fully completed your secondary education y’know) so that was obviously very intense and I had a lot on my plate. At the start of term, my cello teacher S (late 20s?F) told me that I’d be playing a solo in the big finale piece that everyone from every ensemble plays in, as I’m one of the more advanced students. I was given the music for this at the start of term, and we have been practicing it in our weekly lessons so that I am prepared. There will be a rehearsal for this piece a few hours before the concert begins. I was also aware that I was performing in my school strings ensemble (which is a piece I have played before with the ensemble and am familiar with), and S also organised that the four Year 12 students (including me) would play a piece together. She organised to have three rehearsals for this on the three days before the concert (aka today, tomorrow and the next). As by this time I knew I would have finished all my exams, I told her that I should be free to be at these rehearsals.

Since finishing high school a week ago, I have gotten a job at a local café, as I haven’t had a job in high school like most people due to not having time with my music commitments. Unfortunately, I was rostered to have work on the days of the first Year 12 piece rehearsal (aka today), the third Year 12 piece rehearsal, and the day of the concert itself (so I would miss the finale piece rehearsal beforehand and would just make it on time for the concert). I considered trying to swap these shifts so that I could go, but A) given that I am brand new (today was my third ever shift) I didn’t think it would be a good idea to try and get out of it so early on in my employment, and B) I didn’t actually have any way to contact a manager and ask for shifts off until today because they hadn’t properly sorted out my paperwork and information yet. I tried to look for solutions for this, but yesterday I decided that I just wouldn’t be able to make it, so I message S to inform her and apologise. She obviously wasn’t happy about this (she started her reply with “yikes”), and checked to see whether I was still happy to play in the school string piece (which I confirmed) and asked whether I was able to play in the concert with another ensemble that I used to play in (I said yes, and she said she’d get the music to me). I left it at this, with the intention to practice my pieces a lot over the next few days.

Today, both me and my mum received an email from S. She was quite angry about the fact that I wasn’t able to attend two out of the three Year 12 piece rehearsals, calling it bad etiquette and saying that it “reflects poorly in the professional world”. (I agree that it wasn’t great for me to have to pull out of those rehearsals when I had previously said that I should be available, but as I said above, I wasn’t really in a position where I could change this). She also said that I was supposed to be at school strings rehearsals yesterday, and at rehearsals for the ensemble I’m no longer in and was only just asked to play in. In this ensemble’s rehearsal, they also ran through the finale piece that I am playing a solo in (which I wasn’t aware they would be doing). S claimed that I had been told that I was supposed to be at these rehearsals this week — I have absolutely zero recollection of this, to the point where I doubt I was asked, but if I was, it was before or during my exams, in which case it doesn’t surprise me that I forgot, as I was highly stressed and just trying to focus on getting through school. I was never given another reminder to be there, so I had no idea I was supposed to be at the rehearsals yesterday. Because of how annoyed she was, I was forced to speak to someone about leaving my shift on the concert day early so that I can attend the rehearsal beforehand, but I’m still not able to attend the Year 12 piece rehearsal in two days time.

I feel really bad about the whole thing, because I genuinely am quite close with S and I know she’s put in a lot of effort to this concert. However, I feel like she’s being unfair in her annoyance. I was unaware I had to be at any rehearsals yesterday because this wasn’t clearly communicated to me (and even if to others it was implied that I should be there, I’m not the kind of person that will pick up on this — I need to be explicitly told). If I had known I was expected to be there, I absolutely would have been there. And obviously not being able to go to the rehearsals because I’m working is frustrating, but I really don’t feel like I had much choice in the matter. If I had been working there for a while, I absolutely would have asked for the days off, but I feel like it’s unfair to expect me to try and cancel those shifts when I’ve only just started the job. I’m glad I’ve managed to arrange to be at the concert day rehearsal, so that I can practice the solo with the rest of the ensemble, but even if I hadn’t been able to, I’ve been practicing the piece and I’ve done performances where I haven’t had a proper rehearsal before, so I think it would have been fine.

Hopefully this made sense, I tried to provide as much detail as possible but I’m very tired and am struggling to be coherent, and it’s also hard to explain the situation through text. So, tl;dr, AITA for:

Not being at rehearsals yesterday that I was unaware I was supposed to be at?

Having to cancel rehearsals because I was rostered during those times?

What are these acronyms?

[m-jelly]

Please stay

@kenkopanda-art

Pairing: Levi x Reader

Genre and tags: fluff, cute, romance, love, modern AU, CEO Levi, cuddly Levi.

Concept: You wake up in the morning and know you need to get up and do a few things. Levi doesn't want you to leave. Levi holds you, kisses you and tries to keep you in bed for just "five more minutes" but you know very well he wants to cuddle for a few hours and nap. Just pure cute fluff with Levi.

You shifted in bed as you slowly woke up. You felt rested, but a few more minutes would have done nicely. You opened your eyes and sighed as all the things you needed to do filled your head. You knew you had some baking to do for a meeting Levi had tomorrow. You had to clean up, check Levi's emails as you were a stay-at-home assistant to him.

You stretched and moaned before checking the clock to see it was almost eight. You frowned a little when you looked over your shoulder to see Levi was still in bed. You looked back at the clock and thought maybe he was going to leave close to nine and drive to work, or he was going to work from home. Either way, you needed to get up soon.

You gasped when you felt hands push under your nightshirt, you knew it was too late now but maybe you could escape by using your words. You did find yourself smiling though as he traced lines and nuzzled the back of your neck.

You placed your hand on one of Levi's. "Morning, my love."

Levi hummed. "Morning."

You held his hand. "It's time to get up."

He kissed the back of your neck. "No."

"No?"

"No."

You let out a long sigh and knew that it was going to be a battle this morning. You inhaled deeply and felt yourself sinking into Levi's warmth and his scent. Levi had a beautiful natural scent and a clean one. He reminded you of a spring morning with fresh flowers, slight dew clinging to the grass and a soft breeze through tall trees. On top of that, he had a clean lemon-fresh smell.

You hummed in happiness. "Levi." You giggled when he said your name back at you. "I'm serious, Levi."

He kissed the crook of your neck. "I didn't know you changed your name to serious."

You rolled onto your back and looked up at Levi. "Don't get sassy with me."

"I'm not." He looked down at you and played with your hair. "You are so beautiful."

You blushed a little as your heart skipped a beat. You smiled at your lover as you reached up and touched his cheek. "You're very handsome with your messy bed hair."

He reached up and touched his hair. "Is it that bad?"

You giggled. "It's sticking up a bit."

He lay down on you with his face in the crook of your neck. "You're so mean to me. Picking on me so early in the morning."

You laughed at how sweet Levi was when he was with you alone and when he was tired. You knew very well Levi being like this meant he trust you more than anything in this world. You put your arms around him and lightly played with his hair.

You kissed the side of his head. "I'm so sorry for being mean."

"You should be."

You chuckled. "You can be a brat sometimes."

"I'm not a brat." He lifted his head. "Is it such a crime for me to want my love to stay in bed with me?"

You smiled at Levi as you took him in. "I have some baking to do, emails to answer and you have work."

He hummed. "I know, but I don't have much to do and I'm working from home."

"Okay, but what about the emails?"

"They can wait."

You sighed. "Levi, we can't lie in bed all day."

He kissed you. "Five more minutes."

You smiled against his lips. "I don't think you can do five more minutes."

He sighed. "You're right. I like to cuddle for a while."

"If I say yes, it does mean we will have to work hard later and tomorrow. You have a meeting tomorrow and I need to bake for it."

"I'll help." He kissed you over and over. "Promise."

You giggled. "You're sweet."

"You know what I'm like, I'm a hard worker."

You wrapped your arms around Levi and rolled you both onto your sides. "Yes, you are."

Levi held you close against him. "Please stay."

You looked at his pleading puppy dog eye look and you melted. "Alright, alright, we'll stay in bed together."

"For an hour?"

You giggled. "And after an hour you will ask for another hour."

He kissed your forehead. "Yes. I just want to cuddle you and love you all morning."

You nuzzled against his chest. "Okay, we'll do that."

Levi held you and closed his eyes. "Good. I love you."

"Love you too."

[thatssonanii]

Playin' With Fire

Family Ties AU

After a weekend with Ardian and Arabella, Haleigh was happy to get her son back. Even though he liked to block at times, she loved him and couldn't live without him. She knew it was important for him to spend time with his father and other family but if she could get away with keeping him to herself, Haleigh would do just that.

Sunday night she'd texted Messiah to let him to bring their son home the next day by 3pm because she wanted to have some time with him before their bedtime routine. The texted went unanswered but it was read. It was approaching 5pm making Haleigh irritated but she called him prepared to play nice just in case Madon could hear her. Her calls went unanswered so she drove over to his house.

When she got to his house, she couldn't tell if one of his cars were missing so she went to the porch. Her knocked and rings went unanswered so she grabbed the spare key from under the plant to the left of his door to let herself in. The inside was quiet from what Haleigh could tell but that didn't mean they weren't home. Heading upstairs, she checked Mason's room and Messiah's room which were empty. Getting back downstairs, she checked Mason's playroom, the kitchen, the den and living room and nothing so she checked the last place. Messiah's mancave and again, nothing. Honestly, Haleigh could tell they probably hadn't been there since the day she dropped Mason off.

Haleigh locked the house back upthen jogged back to her car. She sat in the driveway with the car on and doors locked facetiming her son's iPad. He answered after a few rings giggling making her sigh in relief. She turned on screen record.

"Hey, Mommy!"

"Hey Mommy's baby. You okay?" She asked searching his face for anything wrong.

He nodded looking above his iPad then at it. "Yeah ma'am. Me otay."

"Okay well its Monday and time for Mommy to pick you up," she explained starting to feel a little better, "Where are you so I can come get you, baby."

"Uuuh me and Daddy is at," Mason was cut off by Messiah gently grabbing the iPad from his son.

Messiah told their son he can go back to playing and that he would talk to Haleigh for him. Once he was gone Messiah smiled at Haleigh making her roll her eyes.

"Messiah, I said 3pm, it's 5 now. Where are yall?"

"And I told you don't hold ya breath. Me and my seed is over here minding our business, having fun. Don't worry about us."

Haleigh closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. "Messiah, do not play with me. Tell me where you are so I can come get my son."

Messiah looked away from her talking to Mason handing him some money. "Nah. Ima keep my seed as long as I wanna keep my seed. I'll bring him back when I'm ready ... if I'm ever ready. Might just keep him permanently."

"You're being petty and childish, Messiah. Do not do that. Where are you? I'm coming to get him."

"Mase, come 'ere. Come tell Mommy bye, bye." Messiah chuckled pulling his son into his lap.

"Bye, Mommy. See you later." Mason blew her a kiss then ran off again.

Haleigh huffed, "Messiah, you act like his location not on."

"Cause it ain't. I changed all that shit days ago." He laughed. "I told you years ago to start checking your emails but you never listen. See ya when I see ya, baby mama."

Haleigh started to yell at him but he'd already disconnected the call. She tried to call back a few times but got no answer. Feeling angry and tired, she laid her head on her steering wheel and screamed before pulling herself together enough to leave his house.

------

"What do you mean his ass not giving Mason back?" Roman asked screwing his face to.

Haleigh wiped her eyes and shrugged. "When I called him he dais he'll bring em back when he's ready and that he might not ever be ready to bring em back. He turned the location off and I don't know where they are, Daddy. He took my baby."

After leaving Messiah's house, Haleigh went straight to her parents' house just like she did the night she broke up with Messiah. She played the screen recording for her parents when she got there because she was crying too hard to speak.

"Don't cry, Princess, okay? You're gonna get him back, I promise." Roman assured her. "Don't you worry, he'll be home before the week is over."

"Can you call any of his friends? Would one of them help you?" Kandice asked rubbing her daughter's back.

"They won't tell me, they up his butt all the time. The only person that would is his mom and he's knows that so I'm sure he didn't tell her." She sniffled softly. "I hate him. He's trying to get back at me any way he can."

Kandice frowned, "Because of Ardian?"

"Yes, Mommy. He's mad because I've moved on. But I made it clear to him prior to Ardian even being around that I was done with him."

Roman stood quietly listening to their conversation and texting his cousins. He knew the time would come that Messiah lost his mind but he didn't think it would be in this way.

"I'm done trying to play nice with him. When I get Mason back, I'm filling for full custody and I'm putting him on child support. I don't care if don't need the help, he's gonna do it. I'm tired of him throwing tantrums," Haleigh fussed angrily. "And Daddy, I want you, my uncles, Koko all of them to hurt him. Hurt him bad. I'm done."

"You got it, Princess." Roman answered smoothly.

"Hey, hey, breathe, Marie. Don't get yourself all worked up. Breathe, baby." Kandice soothed rubbing her back. "Why don't you go up to your room and lie down? Maybe call Ardian while me and your daddy work some things out."

Haleigh sniffled a few times then looked to Roman who nodded and winked at her. She eased up from the sofa letting them know to come get her if anything happened.

Getting up to her old room, Haleigh sat on the side of the bed and cried for a good ten minutes. It felt unreal to be having this problem with the man at one point she thought she was going to be with forever. The monster had now replaced that man.

When she felt like she was in a better place to talk, she facetimed Ardian thinking it would help her feel better but when she saw his smile, she started to cry again.

"Hey hey," Ardian called out walking away from his uncles, "What's wrong, Hae? My face not that ugly."

Usually she would laugh but not this time.

"It's Messiah." She cried.

"Messiah? What happened? Lil man okay?" He asked frowning.

Haleigh sniffled a few times before clearing her throat enough to talk. "He won't give Mason back. I don't know where they are and he won't tell. He trying to keep my baby."

Ardian searched his pockets for his keys until Tyrell approached him holding them out. "Shit um where are you? I'm coming. You at home?"

"No," she cried. "I'm at my parents' house."

"Aight I'll be there in like ten minutes, I promise. Want me to stay on the phone?"

She shook her head sniffling. "No I'll be here when you get here Ardi."

Ardian spoke to her a little longer then approached his uncles and aunt letting them know he had to leave.

[imagine-that-one-thing]

Rise Of Glory || 6

Again, it cries, and again, and again.

Harry and I wander to the cobble steps to his mother's house, Alex asleep in Harry's arms from the long drive. The drive was quiet, not because I am tired but because I don't know what to say at this point. Nothing I do or say is going to change things or make anything better. I am at a loss.

The door opens, and his mother stands in the doorway, bewildered by our sudden appearance. I don't blame her. It is unlike us to abruptly show up on her doorstep. Most of the time, Harry gives her a heads up.

She grants us her routine tender smile and ushers us inside.

"What brings you two here suddenly?" Harry's Mum questions.

I glance towards Harry, curious as to what he plans to tell her. Telling your mother you only came to visit to see a grave is not something you'd want to admit out loud or at all.

"Uh," Harry clears his throat, "The media have swarmed my building and are starting to come out at the house. We came here to get a break," Harry answers, opening his arms to half-hug his mother, who he has missed dearly, he won't admit it, but he has. He may hate having to come to Cheshire, I don't think that will ever change, but he loves having his mother back in his life at a more constant and healthier level. Their relationship has improved tremendously since I came here when we first started dating all those years ago. I still remember that weekend like yesterday.

It was the weekend I realised that the man I was falling in love with gives everything he has, mentally, emotionally and physically, to his mother and sisters wellbeing. He'd allow himself to drown a million times if it meant his family could stay afloat.

"I'm going to put him down," Harry informs his mother and me, giving me a tired smile before walking past me and down the hallway towards Harry's old bedroom.

Harry's Mum peers over towards me, her brows furrowing and her lips pursing; I can tell her thoughts are ticking away and that something is playing intensely on her mind. She has the same expression Harry has when he wants to say something but leaves the words on the tip of his tongue, unsure of whether to say them or not.

I cock my head to the side, debating myself whether to give her the go-ahead to tell me whatever is on her mind.

"He's lying to me," Anne bluntly states before I can figure out how to ask her what's on her mind, "You had to have left at around 3 in the morning to be here by now. He's tired, almost like he hasn't slept in days," she points out, "And you… you look exhausted too. I don't believe it's the media at your house that caused you both to drive up here… I'm not complaining. I'm just… I'm curious."

"It has been a long week for him. He wanted to get away." I don't know who I am trying to convince more, myself or her.

"He hates it here with a passion. I have seen the articles."

I nod, agreeing with her. She knows the truth. Harry doesn't bother trying to hide the fact that he still hates this place. Even when we first started dating, he made it known he wasn't happy to be back. His home town brings back memories he doesn't want to remember, especially when he and his relationship with his mother were strained to the point they weren't speaking at all. "This is where he wanted to come."

"But it isn't where he wants to be… he hates it up here… are things that bad in London?" She questions softly, and I can't help but nod. She looks me up and down and bites her lip for a moment, almost as if she's holding back whatever thoughts are racing through her thoughts, "Are you and Harry okay? You're not fighting or?"

"We're fine," I immediately cut her off, "It's the business and the media that's pushing him off the rails."

"Mhm," she hums, "And you, are you okay?"

I give her a small smile and nod, "I'm okay."

"You're lying."

"Anne—"

"Honey, don't take this the wrong way, but you look exhausted. Have you slept at all?"

"It's been a rough few months," I softly respond, "It has taken a lot out of me."

The last three months have been an absolute roller coaster, mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm not quite sure how I've managed to keep things together to the extent I have. There are still days I feel like the world's weight is so heavily on me that I can't breathe. There are days I feel like I'm drowning and can't pull myself away. There are the days I feel like I'm finally okay and can breathe, but the second I manage to come up for air, there's something to pull me down, whether it's work-related, family-related or past related.

"Why didn't you call? Harry kept saying you were fine."

"I have been fine," I respond softly.

In all honesty, I have been fine… kind of. I'm as fine as what can be expected, considering the events that have happened. I'm not going to lie, I may be fine, but I'm still very much up and down when it comes to things. There are good days, and there are bad days.

"If you ever need me, I'm just a call away. You know that, right?" She offers me her sweet, caring smile that has always assured me of tough times and situations.

"Yes, I know."

"Okay, go get yourself some sleep."

"I have work I need to do once I get my laptop out of the car. We might be up here, but the business doesn't stop just because we aren't there."

"Well, at the very least, take a seat on the couch, put your feet up and relax for a minute. Let me at least make you some tea."

"You're too kind to me," I smile towards her.

"You're kind to my son. It's the least I can do for my darling daughter-in-law," she beams.

Anne hands me a steaming cup of tea as I answer a few emails from my phone, too tired to go out and get my laptop. "I have one last question."

"Mhm," I hum, waiting for her to ask what is on her mind.

"What happened to his hand?"

"Oh, he was washing dishes and somehow cut his hand," I tell her the truth.

I don't think it is my place to tell her about Logan or that Harry might be losing his mind. Right now, it is up to Harry to speak to her and want to talk about things. I cannot force him. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Harry will speak when he feels like speaking, and he will tell his mother when he is ready and on his terms.

I don't think I should be the one to tell her that we made the long drive up here just because Harry can't wrap his head around the fact Logan has risen from the dead. No mother wants to hear that as a reason as to why their son has finally visited.

I wish I could say that we visit here often for good occasions, but it is far from the truth. We come up here for holidays, and that is as far as it goes. I have made the drive a few times with Alex to get away from the city, but that has been on rare occasions. Harry doesn't like the idea of me making the drive on my own, and he hates having to come up here. We have settled on staying away from Cheshire and having his mother visit us when she can. I do wish things were a bit different. I do wish we lived closer to his Mum or came up here often. I think it would benefit Harry to be around his mother more and have a family sense. He has my family, but it is different. His mother is irreplaceable, and I know that deep down, he misses his sister. They may not be on the best of terms right now, but I know he loves and misses her.

When Alex is a little older, I would often like to bring him up here to see the neighbours' baby animals. He would love playing with the goats and picking fresh farm eggs, which is not as usual in our life. He would be thrilled to run the fields without a care in the world, a completely different environment compared to home. We have a lot of space for him to run around at home but nothing like the countryside.

❈ ❈ ❈ ❈ ❈ ❈

With Harry's fingers laced with my own, I pass the identical headstones that I passed in November of 2021, on the same day we buried Logan.

Nothing has changed about the cemetery. It's still as uncanny and ill-fitting as it was that day. The headstones are still cracked and withered with the voyage of seasons. It is a shame how the graves fade away. It's almost as though since these souls have left earth, nobody cares enough to fix up the graves that have cracked and deteriorated. It bothers me now like it did the day I walked through here a few years ago.

This cemetery is old, at least over 100 years old. I remember noticing some of the inscriptions when I was here last dated back to the 1800s. These monument stones of cold, decaying cement have presumably observed more people and tears of melancholy and exuberance than one could probably picture. And yet, nobody can take the time to take care of the graves. There are scarcely any flowers on the graves.

It disheartens me that as I escort past all these graves, I still feel saddened even years later because we pass by people who have once lived and wandered this very earth.

"Harry, are you sure it's this way?" I challenge as we pass another row of headstones.

I can't tell if my anxiousness tells me we have gone too far or if we need just to leave and go back home. Part of me doesn't want to wander any further than what we have. After all, walking through grave yeards is always eerie.

"I'm sure I know where my dead brother is buried," Harry grimly mutters, "I was here for it." Harry reminds me of the day he endured.

"No need to be so… morbid," I inform him, doing my best to keep my voice low. We don't need an argument in the middle of a cemetery, even if he is a dickhead.

I stop in my tracks, and Harry turns to glance at me as his hand leaves mine, "Why are you stopping?" Harry questions, and I can't help but take a moment to take in his features as a distraction.

I don't know how to tell him that I don't feel comfortable walking in this cemetery, I don't want to go any further, and I don't think this is a beneficial approach. Nothing good ever comes from this place. I push away my thoughts and feelings, "I couldn't remember if I checked on Alex before we left," I lie. I know I checked on Alex before we left. He was still asleep and cuddled up to his teddy bear.

"We both did, love. Mum knows what she's doing, and you know that, relax," Harry responds, kissing my cheek before lacing his fingers back with mine and beginning to walk again.

Harry and I come to an abrupt standstill, and the two of us become withdrawn while we take in the view of what's in front of us. Harry squeezes my hand gently, and I can't help but squeeze back, a small amount of reassurance for him to know that I am right here and that I can see the same thing he can see.

The deafening silence is intruded abruptly and without signal by the ghastly screech of a blackened crow— the same intense screech that I swear I first heard once Logan was buried in this plot.

Again, it cries, and again, and again.

I shiver as a tingle operates through my body, the character of the crow sounding like nails on a chalkboard. This is the same place I stood in years ago when the crow first screeched—Harry was squatting by the grave, gazing at the soil, and I was standing right here.

I take a breath of the crisp air, and my eyes immediately cast themselves on the crow that is shrieking. Its relentless stare catches my own before I take note that it isn't alone. Harry and I are outnumbered and are intently observed by one… two... three… four… five crows, possibly six; I can't tell if the shadow in the distant tree is one of them or not. Either way, I wish we had never come here. They say if you see five crows, sickness will follow; see six crows, and death will follow.

A gust of wind whisks past us, settling brittle, dead leaves to dance around our shoes to take my gaze away from the crows. I watch the leaves swing around our feet, twirling around us like vines, almost as though they're tightening around our feet and ready to pull us down. I caress my hand to my stomach as I observe the leaves tumbling, leaving me with a heavy feeling in my stomach that twists, knots, and tightens like the motions of the leaflets. The breeze declines, and the leaves become motionless.

I gaze back towards where the first crow was, only to find it gone, leaving me with nothing but an unsettling uneasiness in the pit of my stomach and an abandoned grave of where Logan used to rest.

[yahnnieee]

(So before I start the story I wanna tell you this is my first post so please don't judge my writing and story also the stories I'll be writing are not short or like mid-long. And I'm mostly going to be using my name at all times and so bye bye~ have a great day or night)

I woke up to my alarm ringing, I looked to the side seeing '4:20' flash in the clock I shut the clock and got up I took my phone that was charging in my nightstand. I looked at it and saw messages pop up. "Morning sunshine" I smiled and replied with "Morning, William" I went to the bathroom to take a bath and get ready for the day.

Let me introduce myself. Hi, I'm Rianne Suh I'm an Actress, Model and Dancer I'm 19, half Filipina, British and Korean I'm currently living in London and I'm in a relationship with NCT's Lucas Wong's Brother (Kris Wong) and I'm currently working on a project with Will Poulter and Thomas Sangster along with Ki Hong Lee and Tom Holland about a Mafia Couple who started there own little family and taking the biggest heist of 1.8 billion. Will and I are the main characters as for Ki Hong and Thomas being our helpers and Tom as our enemy.

After taking a bath I went to my walk-in closet and took a black spaghetti strap crop top and black ripped jeans. I took a pair of black ankle boots and a gold bracelet with a golden watch. I put on lip tint and styled combed my hair keeping it down but I still bought a black hair tie that was resting in my wrist. I looked at the Mirror for the last time, I then took my phone and a small gold and black backpack then put necessary things I'll need. I went downstairs to my kitchen and put my backpack down. I went to get a bowl and oatmeal with some berries and hot water. I took the oatmeal from the upper shelves and lucky me I'm 5'8 so I can reach high shelves and stuffs. I poured the hot water in and stirred it alittle then put the berries and banana slices on top of it. After prepping my breakfast I sat down eating while checking my emails and talking to Will. After I eating I picked up my bag and went to my garage, I picked out my black Lamborghini and hopped in. I drove thru the city of London to Our filming site. After 25 mins I got there, I went out of the car and was greeted by staffs I greeted back with a smile. I got inside the site and saw Thomas talking to our Director. "Hey Rianne!" Thomas greeted me with a smile. I smiled back hugging him. "Hello" I said patting his back. "How's your morning?" I heard someone ask as I pull away from Thomas. I looked over to Thomas' shoulder and saw Will walking towards us. I exclaimed and walked over to him hugging him tightly, almost like we didn't see eachother for years. "Rianne, hey!" Someone greeted me and I looked back. It was Tom. "Hey Tom!" I greeted as I hugged Tom. "Great..." He replied chuckling. I chuckled and heard our director call us. "Rianne, get ready please. Filming starts in 45" I nodded and walked over to my make-up chair. I sat down with Thomas and Will next to me and Tom next to Thomas. "What's today's series or something?" I asked as my makeup artist put on gold eyeshadow in my lids. "Umm... Meeting up with Tom" Thomas replied, his hair stylist fixing his slightly messed up hair. "Ohh... Hot!" I said and laughed alittle. "How are you and your boyfriend?" I heard Will ask. I looked over to him my brows furrowed. "Oh... Close to breaking up, I'm actually going to break up with him" I said simply. Everyone stopped there movement for a sec trying to comprehend what I said. "Why?" Tom asked. "Well.... I really don't wanna hurt him but I love someone else I started feeling this way a month ago and it got stronger as the days pass by" I replied. "Who's this lucky guy?" Asked Thomas. "Secret" I replied after a minute my make up was done, I stood up and took my phone walking towards some staffs.

After a few minutes Thomas, Will and Tom came all in the same time, Thomas sat next to me and asked. "Seriously... Who's the guy?" "The guy I'm working with at the moment" "Which one?" "William.." "Shuck! Mate seriously?" "You think?" "Well yeah" "then yeah" Thomas and I whispered shout at eachother while I could feel Tom and Will's gaze directed to us. "Rianne.. Will ,Tom on set please" our director called us out. I stood there with Will and Tom in front of us. "Action!"

It's been a few hours since we started filming and we're actually done already. It's currently 6:22 pm and we've been filming for 12 hours straight. I'm currently sitting in my makeup chair taking my makeup off and washing my face. Will came in and sat next to me. "Tired?" He asked leaning back. "Yeah" I replied leaning back too resting me head after drying my face. "It's definitely tiring when people are all over you" I said. "Introverted" he said chuckling. "Hey Will, do you wanna stay in my place? I'm feeling really weird when I'm alone this past few days well not weird or alone I think I just need someone with me" I said waiting anxiously. "Sure... Why not?" He said I quickly looked up at Will smiling. I jumped out of my seat and run to him hugging him tight. My legs wrapped around his waist tightly, his hand landed his hands in my waist pulling me closer. "Thank U" I said lifting my head looking at him our face only inches apart. Suddenly the door open Thomas entered the room, his eyes grew wide seeing us in our position. "I'll leave you 2... Continue what your doing" he said and quickly shut the door. I looked at Will again and we burst to laughter. "Let's go home." I said standing up he stood up right after me and we both went out picking out things up and saying goodbye to our other crew. We took his car and drove to my house. We got home after 30 mins stopping by 7/11 to buy snacks. "Come on..I'll just go take a shower" I said and went to my room. I showered and put on an over sized shirt and shorts. I went to my room and saw Will sitting there looking at some framed photos of me and my fam and with Will himself. "Hey... Will? You good?" I asked catching his attention. "What's this?'' he asked picking up the framed photo of me and him. "Nothing... Can't i frame it?" I asked, he shook his head and stood up went to the bathroom to shower. He came out after a few with a towel loosely hanging in his waist. I stared at his toned upper body, he noticed this and smirked. "Staring is not very respectful you know" he said staring at me. "Just get here already!" I said and layed down. Will layed next to me wrapping his arms around me protectively, my head resting on his chest. I looked up at him seeing him stare at me I then I meet our lips kissing him, he kissed back immediately making me smile in the kiss. "I love you" I said staring at his bluish green eyes. "I love you too,baby girl" he replied kissing my forehead. And we both fell asleep in eachother's arms.

(So I'm going to do a part 2 of this and again please don't judge my writing!! If you have any advice to make a story better I'll definitely appreciate that so Thank U and have a great day or night ❤️)

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

❛ A LOT OF SAND AND WAVES ❜

with Obispo ‘Bishop’ Losa.

Request: none. Yesterday I went to the beach with my family and that fluffy idea came to me like a flash light. Thanks to everyone who help me to decide!

Word count: about 3.1k

Warnings: none. Just a bunch of fluff.

Aurora says: this writing hasn't been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I'm sorry about that!

Gif credits: @thedevilsmoonshine

Masterlist.

“Hey, girl!”

“Hey, what’s up, Leti?”

“Are you working?”

“Yeah, till four, why?”

“Don’ ask me how I did it, but I convinced the guys to go tomorrow to the beach. In San Diego”.

“Sounds good, but I’m not sure if I could go. I have a surgery waiting, and you know…”

“Yeah, your hands. Is it too long?”

“Maybe six or seven hours, not sure”.

“C'mon, mami! You said you don't work until next Thursday!”

Gilly's shouts make you laugh rubbing your eyes.

“Okay I'll try, I'll try. I promise”.

“We will go to Mission Bay. So if you want, we see you there!”

Hanging up the call and giving a last sip to your coffee, you throw the empty paper cup to the bin. Checking the hour on your phone, you know that it's going to be a long, long night. But the idea of spending some time with Bishops makes you tickle in your stomach. Coco introduced you to the crew almost a year ago, like a friend, and he stole your attention. At the first party you joined them, you were almost the whole dawn with him. Dancing, drinking, talking. He was more interesting and funny than you could think, and maybe you felt somekind of connection that you never felt before. So, yes. You would like to go with them, but you have to wait till waking up tomorrow to find out if your hands can handle a four hours trip driving.

“Good morning, bella durmiente! How was the surgery?”.

“Hm… my hands are fucked”.

“So, it went well, we have to celebrate it”.

“Yeah, but… not sure if I can drive to San Diego”.

“Oh, c'mon, please… We're gonna stay here by night too. Coming back tomorrow, take a bus! I'm sure Bishop would b—”.

“Stop!” You say laughing loud to your phone over the bed, while you do some exercise with all your fingers to bring back some mobility.

“(Y/N), you know that it's an amazing opp— Angel already bought you a ticket. In one hour. Sending you by email, bye!”

Before you can complain about it, she has already hung up the call. You end up serving some coffee in a termo, before picking up your towel and some clean clothes, besides an external battery and some hygienic stuff. Bandaging your hands, over a thin layer of cortisone cream, you're ready to walk to the bus station of Santo Padre, ten minutes away from your house. At least, you have three hours of trip to rest a little more, falling asleep as soon as you sit down on your seat. So the next time you open your eyes, you're already in San Diego. Waiting for the other passengers to get out, closing and opening your hands once and again, you step out then. Carrying your bag in your right shoulder and your phone in the left hand, you wear the pair of sunglasses looking for Bishop.

“Eh, boxer”.

His hoarse voice calls your attention, finding him next to the entrance, resting against his motorbike. You can't help but draw a soft and tired smile on your lips, leading your steps towards him, raising both hands on air to show the man your cool white bandages with black stripes. The mexican receives you into his arms in a gentle and dearly hug, surrounding your lower back and your neck for some long seconds.

“The guys are waiting for us to have lunch”.

“Cool… Last time I ate was nine and it was dark”. You just say placing well on your bag, before setting on the helmet.

The drive doesn't take you more than ten minutes, grabbed to Bishop's abdomen and with your chin over his shoulder. You can see him smiling like a fool, knowing that he's delighted that you're going to join them. But mostly, because you are with him. The warm and soft breeze of San Diego makes you close your eyes, fully relaxed, focusing on the smell that floods your lungs, mixing the salty ocean's and Bishop's scent. Your arms surround his body somewhat tight, feeling one of his hands caressing your right thigh with his huge hands placed on and his thumb making the honors over your skin, bristling it without mercy. But much to your regret, the engine stops some short minutes before, standing up from the bike when you're able to do it.

“Give me your bag, querida. I'm going to be your nurse today”. He says, after keeping the helmet you used with the other.

“Qué caballeroso…” (What a gentleman). You tease him, as if normally he isn't.

“Just earning a beach-quickl—”.

“Fuck, Bishop!” You laugh, hitting his shoulder, regretting it immediately when a lash of pain crosses your palm.

“That's called karma”. He says walking backwards to the entrance, pointing you with a finger. “The women are always asking for men's sincerity, and when we give you… You're too violent to be this small, preciosa”.

“Pendejo”.

“YAY, YOU CAME!” Leti looks surprised, making you twist back your head confused.

“Sounds like if… I had another option”. You purr with your lips, before greeting the guys. “Tell me y—”.

“I did”. Taza just says, seeing you pout at him before hugging you. “I will give you a massage later”.

“Mi angelito de la guarda”. (My guardian angel). You can't help but sigh a little alleviated, knowing that he brought a cream he makes with weed oil, coco water and aloe vera.

Actually, it was a good idea to come to the beach, having so much fun in the lunch by seeing all the men more relaxed than in Santo Padre. Being normal people. A family enjoying two days off from all the problems and the dangers they're sinked in every damn day. Bishop was focused on you the whole time, serving your drink in the glass, cutting your food into pieces so you can have to do any effort (...). Everything under the sideways looks of the others. Sometimes you look like another couple with simple gestures, that both do delighted.

After having full enough your stomachs, the guys lead you to the beach where they left the umbrellas and the towels, placing yours next to Bishop's and sitting there after taking off your clothes, but on your black bikini. Unveiling your hands, you do your best to spread the sunscreen all over your body, until the mexican grabs the bottle from your fingers to sit behind you with a ‘lean forward’ on his lips. Feeling his cold hands because the cream on your back gives you a soft chill, curling your legs against your chest and resting your chin over them. Closing your eyes, focusing all your senses on every move he does, you try not to fall asleep. Starting by your shoulders and pressing your neck with both thumbs, his hands travel down your spine making sure he's helping you to get somewhat less tense, at the same time that puts well on the sunscreen.

When it's ready, he stands up on his feet to grab Taza's cream to help you with your hands. That time, he kneels in front of you, spreading it from your forearms to the tip of your fingers, so carefully and concentrated, that you can't help but look at him with a goofy smile until it's done.

“Thank you”. You just say.

“Anytime, querida”. He whispers, pulling a tuft of your hair behind your right ear, leaning towards you to kiss your cheek. “What do you want to do now?”

“I think I need twenty minutes more of sleep, but you can go with the guys to the water, if you want”. Shrugging your shoulders, you let your back fall down to the towel.

“I spend too much time with them, and I haven't seen you a single second for the last four days”. He chuckles lying by your side, straining an arm under your neck to put you closer to him. “Let me enjoy at least twenty minutes”.

His resigned sigh makes you laugh almost in silence, while his free hand gets placed on your back, leaving some ephemeral caresses from top to bottom. And you feel as if you were in paradise. You're practically drinking each other's breathings, with closed eyes and your nose touching Bishop's. Your fingers get tangled slightly in the short hair of the mexican, taking pleasure of the peace that it's surrounding you right now.

“I didn't want you to come”. He mutters from nowhere, not opening his eyes, not opening yours. With a calm tone of voice, a little sleepy.

“Why?”

“You were tired, your hands hurt. You need to rest, (Y/N)”.

“I'm resting now. And I couldn't ask for a better way to do it. I think I'm gonna complain about my hands often, so you will take care of me”.

Bishop chuckles drowsy, shaking his head just for a second.

“Anything else, su majestad?” (Your Majesty).

“A kiss”. Murmuring, you get somewhat comfy under his arms.

You're aware of the same desire to kiss you that he feels for you, as you feel, but on the other hand, you weren't expecting him to really do it. His lips gently press yours, before catching them among his. Traveling down one of your hands to the side of his neck, Bishop holds you closer, keeping a low pace of his mouth enjoying the taste and the touch of yours. Unconsciously and by inertia, your left right surrounds his waist. His fingers touring your thigh slowly, makes your first kiss a little better. Biting softly his lower lip, you steal him a heavy sigh, stretching your skin under his huge hand. He wants you closer, and you too. But for the moment, that's pretty enough.

“You should complain about your hands often”. He mumbles almost touching your lips with every syllable.

“I will”.

Sinking your face into his neck, you're trying to fall asleep focused on his breath, hearing a bunch of steps over the sand coming closer. Some whispers talking about you two, thinking that you're sleeping but you're actually trying not to laugh, feeling how Bishop gets a little tense because of the low comments.

“Don't forget I'm your fucking boss”. Bishop growls, freezing everyone's blood. And you can't help but break into laughter.

“Shit”. Coco soughs hiding behind Angel's back, because the oldest Reyes is the tallest of all.

“Nah, c'mon, Bish. Enjoy your d—”.

Before Angel can finish the sentence, the mexican hits his leg, making him fall down over Coco. A lot of cursing in spanish appears under the umbrellas, getting mixed with the loud laughs that make you sit up on your towel almost drowning. Watching them trying to get up only makes it better.

“Oh, man, I wish I could record it”. Gilly's laughs are over the others, with an arm on Creeper's left shoulder. “Damn, prez, repeat it, please…”

“Stop bothering him”. You say holding the angry man between your arms, before lying again on your towels.

“Pendejos mal paridos…” He barks mumbling.

“Don't listen to them”.

“I'm… going to fuck them up as soon as we retur—”.

“Obispo, stop”. You chuckle, leaning up slightly to kiss his cheek.

Finally, you are able to sleep for some minutes, while the guys share some beers playing cards, listening latin music in a low volumen to not continue annoying him. And even if you don't rest for more than twenty or thirty minutes, it's like you have been sleeping for the whole day, because of the comfort you feel under his grip and the caresses in your hair. Opening again your eyes, you raise up your head over his shoulders to find half of the crew on their towels, and the other half playing with a bouncy ball on the shore, just like kids. Taking the advantage that no one is looking, to avoid that they tease you again, you press your lips onto his. Slowly, calmly, with his arms hugging your body tightly as Bishop tucks his tongue in your mouth peacefully looking for yours. You feel some tickles in your stomach when they meet, as he feels more relaxed. El Presidente really is into you. He really has more feelings than he wants to admit, until he knows that you have the same sensation on your chest every time you are close to him. Now, he's seeing it. That maybe you two are having a good opportunity.

And you don't want to stop, drowning a slight gasp against his mouth when it gets a little intense that you expected, forgetting for a second where you are and who is surrounding you. Fucking the especial moment when you hear Coco saying that the hotel rooms are already booked, and that you can ocuppy yours whenever you want. Bishop is about to get up, when you stop him by a hand on his chest. You're going to take care of it this time. Shaking the sand on your body, you wear his sunglasses, walking towards the crew in the water. Coco is looking at you somewhat confused, while the president calls Taza, Tranq and Riz attention to enjoy the show. And before he can say anything else, or ask about what you are going to do seeing how you open, close and repeat the gesture with your right hand, you hit his temple with your palm. And it hurts a little, but the laugh is worth everything.

“Yo! Mami! What was that?!” He complains offended.

“A wave”. You just say, provoking that every laughter of your friends gets louder.

“Mami…” He pouts at you, rubbing that side of his face.

“Do you want a tsunami?”

He doesn't answer, while Leti starts to cough in tears.

“I imagined”. You add then, narrowing your eyes under the aviator sunglasses.

Coming back to the umbrellas, the eldest members clap at you while making them a feigned reverence.

After having a deserved shower in the room you're going to share with Gabriela and Leti, you fall down over the bed waiting for them to get ready for some party time after dinner. And while they choose dresses, more makeup that you have never put on and high heels, you choose some comfy shorts, a white body with bare back and your sneakers. Of course, you're not in that mood after four horrible nights working. Before leaving the hotel, you apply a few more cream on your hands, feeling so much better and using clean bandages to cover them. Meeting the guys at the hall, you go out to find a place to have some dinner, ending up in the same restaurant you have been at noon. The food is pretty good, so you go to the secure one. But this time is a little different since then.

You can't avoid having your right hand on Bishop's nape, caressing his scalp while the table talks about everything and nothing at the same time, laughing and enjoying. Urging you to put your right leg over his left, hanging from it, he caresses your thigh a little assorted as if it was something normal, and natural on him. But it's not, and that makes that gesture more special. You couldn't ask for anything better, until he kisses your cheek without expecting to place his free arm over your shoulders, without caring about if Coco or Angel dares to make another of their occurrences. You two are very sure that you made them understand to not fuck up with Bishop in front of you, even if you find it funny.

Outside of the restaurant, after having a revitalizing dinner, the crew begin to propose different plans. But the mere fact of thinking in a crowded place, with loud music and a mix of smells, makes you yawn inevitably. Leti is killing you with her gaze.

“Yo! Bitch, don' you dare to tell me that you're goen' to sleep”.

“I did—”. Trying to excuse yourself, Bishop interrupts you.

“She doesn't. But I am an old man who needs his eight hours of sleep”.

“Then, good night, mummy”. She's about to take you off from his arms, while he turns around to give her his back.

“I need a nurse to take care of my disabilities”.

“C'mon, Bish! You've been hoarding her the whole day! And I invited her, not you!” She frowns while you laugh. “I hope at least you make her cum…”

“Leticia!” You shout, while Coco palms her nape.

“Mummies don' cum, you dumbass, they just… lie do—”.

“Angel, I swear I am going to break your legs next time”.

“Whatever, Tutankhamun. Enjoy your night”. Your friend rolls her eyes with a heavy sigh.

“We can come back next week, when I have holidays”. You say palming her forehead, making her laugh before leaving back to the hotel.

And you just get separated in it enough time to clean your teeth and grab the charger for your phone, going to his room after that. You're not nervous, but a little excited of having some time alone. Finally. Not to do anything specifically, but to enjoy him being de-stressed. While he's in the bathroom, you take off your clothes to wear the shirt he has left for you on the mattress. Smells like him and that it's driving you insane, crawling over the bed to fall close to the pillows, fighting against your tiredness to not fall asleep this soon.

Having your eyes closed, you feel the side next to yours sinking a little, until his strong arms find your body to wrap it against his chest after turning off the lights. Turning under his grip and intertwining your hands and your legs, Bishop rests his cheek on yours, being able to see part of the pacific ocean from the window in front of your eyes. It's magic. Pure magic.

“Listen…” He mutters getting somewhat comfy, having a deep breath his nose sinked into your neck. “Maybe I can't promise you a life that a normal man could give you, but I'm going to make it worth every second”.

“Bish”.

“Hm…?”

“Do you love me?”.

“Yes, I do, preciosa”.

“That's everything I need”. Turning just a little, you smirk softly at him. “I don't want a normal life. I want to spend it with you”.

“I hope you never regret these words”.

“I only could regret them because they aren't enough to express how I feel when you're close to me. When you touch me. When you pronounce my name”. Replying that, you lie down again under his grip, leaving a soft kiss on his right forearm. “I love you, Bishop. I couldn't regret it”.

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[aquarianlights]

I am in a serious financial bind. 😥 If anyone is in a position to listen & help or signal boost, pls keep reading...

This is from my apartment complex. I am in low-income housing. I called them & sent them proof I could pay on the 23rd. I told them I could (just barely) put 100 down now & they said that was too little.

They said they would file for eviction on the 16th, which adds $150 to my rent. They will cancel the court date and eviction on the 23rd when I pay.

But that doesn't cancel the $150 filing fee.

Idk where that $150 would come from. Idky they think it's fair that someone who cannot pay should be forced to pay even more??? That makes no sense. I can only just barely afford my rent every month as is.

These are from my energy company. I apparently owe them over $600. I genuinely do not know how this happened. We were on the phone for a very long time trying to figure it out & I was in tears for the latter portion of it because I swear I paid.

I usually keep record of my payments via taking a picture of my receipt since they are electronic, but my dog chewed up my phone (which I have pics of if need be for evidence) and broke it, so I had to get a replacement phone sent to me from the insurance company & nothing transferred from the old phone, so all my pics were wiped.

I found no record in my emails, either.

The meds I am taking to try to go into remission and the autoimmune disease itself both cause brain fog and issues with time warping, so it is possible maybe I skipped a month or something, but I highly doubt I would have skipped up to 600+ dollars worth of payments.

I have tons of electronic and hard copy calendars & they are all synced and constantly updated so that I know when payments are due. I also have text and email reminders sent to me, but I could find no reminders in my email for MONTHS now until they were telling me they were going to shut my power off if I didn't pay this. Idk why I was not sent reminders for months???

In the end, I agreed to set up a payment plan. Paying, like... 50-60ish on top of whatever my electric bill is every month for 12 months. It was the lowest they could go.

I can barely afford my electric bill as it is, so idk how I will be able to do this? They did give me a list of charities in my area so I will be using what little energy I have to call around & see if any of them would be willing to help me pay this. Idk how those work (they're mostly churches???), so I'm just gonna try & see what happens. 🤔

On top of all that, I *think* this is telling me my Medicaid has been cancelled but I'm not 100% sure?????

I'm going through treatment for a very serious, disabling problem that should last ~1 year and rn Medicaid is picking up what my Medicare doesn't cover and some of my doctors/specialists and treatments are medicaid only.

If I lose this, I'm basically done.

I know they'll do backpay if I get it back, but Idk if I *will* get it back. I'll be trying to get it back, but in the meantime, I guess I'll just have to pay out of pocket, idk??? Which I do not have.

I have lost almost ALL autonomy due to this autoimmune disease, which (in a very simplified form) is basically my immune cells "eating" my muscle tissue. I can barely get out of bed. Treatment should put me in remission & give me my life back. I am seeing a rheumatologist, neurologist, dermatologist, PCP, physical therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and going to a holistic pain treatment center that does a different kind of physical therapy to bring down pain levels (which I was put into that program by my rheum). All of these are in relation to & necessary for my disease. I am going through TONS of testing almost weekly now & trying out treatments like IVIG and chemo where I am in the hospital hooked up to an IV for 4-6+ hrs of that day and the cost of those things without Medicaid picking up what Medicare doesn't cover is astronomical. I have to sign waivers every time I get my blood drawn (which is almost weekly now), do tests, and do treatments saying I will pay if Medicaid does not pick up the extra.

I already have crippling medical debt; I don't need more. I'm scared they won't let me do any more tests or treatments if they see I am just letting it all go to collections & am not paying.

This could mean the difference between having a life worth living (to me) where I am happy & thriving & autonomous or being bed-bound & living a life of just existing from day to day & miserable & in pain & suffering & unable to do anything for myself. This is literally life and death for me because I wouldn't be able to handle continuing to live in the latter scenario. I cannot handle living like I am now. Knowing my treatments are progressing is what keeps me going. Knowing I can go into remission is what keeps me going. Knowing my future is one completely different from now is what keeps me going. But if I cannot have that and am destined to live in this current state, it's just not worth it. I don't know a person alive who would want to live like this.

Finally, my anger noodle needs to get to the vet for MULTIPLE things. Nothing is, like... life threatening or super immediate like his cancer was last year, but they're things that need to be addressed in terms of preventative care & to make sure he isn't in pain.

He needs his trachea checked, possibly x-rays for that, maybe more...

He needs some medication updates, needs a physical, needs a full groom & nail clip under anesthesia (for those who are not familiar with Echo, he has extreme fear-based aggression & usually gets this done under anesthesia; since I worked with him so much, he had his first non-anesthesia nail clip at the beginning of quarantine, but he has gotten worse during quarantine & with my muscle eating disease, I can no longer restrain him & don't have the physical strength to run a brush through his thicker fur as his winter coat is in, so I can no longer groom certain areas of him at home, so his tummy & back legs are matted & I fear he may need to be shaved... which breaks my heart since you don't shave double coat dogs unless medically necessary.), he needs a full physical, & needs to be checked over for MCT's.

He may also need a fecal test or something else, as he has been having odd bowel movements. 😥 His tummy has been upset lately.

I have been crying myself to sleep every single night & often during the day because I cannot get him to the vet. No, it isn't urgent or life threatening. But he is reverse sneezing more than normal & I worry about tracheal collapse, which is a common small dog thing & even MORE common in pomeranians specifically. Every time he has a fit, I think "Oh god, this is it. This is the time I'm gonna have to rush him to the e-vet & get slammed with a huge bill & he is not gonna be okay..."

It breaks my heart to see his legs & belly matted. He is horrible about letting me groom him coz of his aggression so he only gets a full grooms at the vet, but I do short grooming sessions at home with him nightly. Takes about 2 hours just to do the majority of one side of him (not even all of it; just most) coz he needs breaks & lots of praise every few strokes or he will tear me to shreds & hurt himself snapping on the undercoat rake. 😥

But now that my autoimmune disease has atrophied my muscles to the point holding up my phone without something to prop it up feels like I am lifting weights & tires my arms out with a lactic acid burn & pain, I can no longer groom him with the patience he needs & can only groom in 20 minute intervals at the VERY longest. By the time I have gotten one leg done during the week, his entire other side is matted. 😞 Matting on dogs---especially double coat dogs---hurts them. It's like if someone were to wrap your hair around their fingers & then pull it taut. It's a constant pulling pressure on their skin... it's painful & irritates the epidermis. I feel miserable feeling the matting on his back legs & tummy & now feeling the mats beginning to form on the rest of him. He hates me working them out, even with the detangling spray. I know it must hurt so much...

So he may need to be shaved at this point & that will destroy me. I feel sick thinking about it. But anything to get him out of pain. Maybe it is what's best for him while I go through this year of treatment & get my muscles back. But in order to do that, I need to get him to the vet.

The stress of not being able to get him to a vet is tearing me apart & literally making me physically ill.

He is my world. My everything. My #1. My heart dog. My priority in life. My entire universe revolves around him. I would do anything for him. Not a single person, animal, thing, etc, comes before him. It is KILLING me that I cannot provide proper care for him right now. I always always always make sure to sacrifice for him if need be & his things ALWAYS come first, even if it means I'm not eating or not paying bills or whatever. As long as he is taken care of & his needs & wants are met, nothing else matters to me. And right now........ I feel he is suffering because of my finances & the fact my treatment with building my muscles up is not going fast enough.

I cannot control the latter one, but the first one is something I can at least ask for help for. So that is what I am doing.

If anyone is in a place to help, these are my venmo & cashapp codes. I also have paypal.

💙 Venmo: @kqroswell

💚 Cashapp: $kqroswell

💜 Paypal: @kqroswell or thekilliancode@yahoo.com

If there is another form of payment you're thinking of, lemme know. I also have fb pay activated if you have me on FB (Killian Q Roswell).

Thank you to everyone who read through this & anyone who can help or reblog this. 💖

Sincerely,

Your v scared, struggling transman who really wants his bills/rent paid & his dog to go to the vet,

Killian 💞

[pbandjesse]

My nose hurts. It feels like when I had a sinus infection last year. I hope it stops.

Thankfully I am not as horribly sneezy as yesterday. Still a little uncomfy but it's not so bad anymore. It for sure zapped a lot of my energy form lack of oxygen throughout the night.

So today was not as productive as I thought it would be. I woke up a little later. And as I was getting ready and finishing up getting dressed and brushing teeth, Mr Will was coming in to take more of the bathroom ceiling out.

So I quickly pivoted to getting the stuff out of the bathroom. Then James made him coffee while I out eyeliner on real quick to finish getting ready.

James made me breakfast and I went to grab that from the microwave. Mr Will said I was very lucky to have someone to make breakfast for me. And it is very true. I am very lucky to have James.

Me and sweetp locked up in the studio so that we would not be in the way. James joined us for a bit. I did my styling work and some little office work I had to do. I was excited that my workshops at the museum are approved and I have work to do on those. But I am very excited.

I worked on a new stamp for the print I'm going to do this weekend and I'm really pleased. I messed up a little but I think it came out great. And a bat is very Halloween weekend appropriate.

I did get some organizing done. But my energy was on the floor. Once Mr Will was done what he was doing I cleaned the bathroom a bit just to get dust off. And then worked on the kitchen and transferring all the stuff for puhtok over to a plastic tub.

I did picked two water bottles to get rid of. Proud of myself. That's hard for me. I love water bottles it's so silly. But I do!! But these two haven't been used in forever. And the one I only used for plane travel and when was the last time I did that? So I added those to the thrift store drop off box.

I made their tea for this week as I've been doing. It made everything smell nice.

I sat in James's room and played animal crossing for a while. Cleaned up the island and sold off a bunch of stuff I had in storage. Things I had triple of mostly. Collected shells. But I was tired so I laid down.

I heard James yell at some point so I went to see what happens. And apparently my tea in the fridge (not the one I just made but the last I had in a travel cup from yesterday) got knocked over and spilled all over the bottom of the fridge. Which led to the shelf getting knocked over and it was a huge mess.

So I helped best I could but James was letting themself get really upset. And the fridge was beeping and it was just a lot. But we got through it and now the fridge is clean and I superglued the shelf back in so hopefully it stops falling out.

I laid back down but I never actually slept. I watched videos and emailed with Auni about the workshops. I printed out some important papers. I laid back down. I had some dinner.

I forgot James said we were going to go help at the theater after they were done work. So at 7 we drove over there.

It was a beautiful night. We checked vaccine cards and talked and it was really nice just being together. We had lots of laughs. Saw a Baltimore rat. It was a good hour and a half.

And then we went to get milkshakes in Hamden. James got pumpkin and I got apple butter. And it was a great night.

We got home and James took the recycling out and changed a light bulb. I took a shower. And now we are in bed. I am in a good mood even if I'm exhausted.

Tomorrow will be busy. But I think in a good way. I'm meeting with a friend at noon. And then going to the museum early to sort the moveable type. And then a wedding! James is going to be at a concert with their cousin. Who is then coming to stay over. I am looking forward to a good day even if it will be long.

Sleep well everyone. Take care of each other!!

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

[hwauas]

🎭: "it was a s.o.s"

song mingi | 송민기 - 2,262 words

the weather was clear. it was a kind of day you enjoyed a lot. you would feel extremely productive during a bright and sunny day. and today wasn't different. as soon as you woke up and went to the window to have a look outside, you felt like you were motivated to go out.

and after your daily morning routine, consisting in eating, your daily skin care, and checking on your emails, you got ready to go out. since it was sunny, you decided to wear something with bright colours, and something you would be comfortable enough to walk in.

     you decided it was the perfect weather to go and walk alongside the sea. places like this were really revitalising for you. it was a perfect moment to be with yourself, alone, to take a break, and to think a little.

     riding your bike up there, you smiled as you felt the sun warming up your back. it was a sweet sensation you couldn't get tried of.

and the sea quickly showed up in front of you. you could hear the sound of the waves. this sound, added to the sun on your back, was making you even more happy to be here.

     you parked your bike, and locked it up to find it again when you would decided to go back home. and as soon as you were on the beach, you removed your shoes to enjoy the sensation. you put them into a little bag you carried with you, and started to walk along the water. the waves sometimes reached your bare feet. feeling the cold water on your skin, the sand sliding in between your toes till the next wave.

it was a perfect moment you were living, enjoying the view.

     but suddenly, as you were walking, something hit your ankle. and as you looked down, you saw a bottle made of glass. a cork was on the top of it, holding back the water to go inside the bottle. and in it, there were papers.

you looked around, not sure about what to do. but you quickly decided to take it before the wave go back and an another wave bring it anywhere else.

     should you read the papers? should you throw the bottle away when you go back home? should you give it to someone? but who? should you, ultimately, put it back in the water?

you were extremely curious about this bottle. you couldn't just throw it away, ignore it and act like if nothing happened. and what if it was your fate to find it, and to open it?

     you keep walking longer, the bottle in your hand, not sure about what to do. you were curious, but had you the right to open it?

deep down, a little voice was whispering to you to open this bottle.

while walking, you were looking down at the bottle in your hands. you could see few elements in it. there was a picture of someone inside this bottle. a guy. and he looked incredibly charismatic.

was he the one who sent this bottle? was he someone absolutely not related to this bottle? or did the sender mentionned him in the letter and put a picture of him too?

and in the bottle, you also could see a jewelry. because of the green colour of the glass, you couldn't see well, but it looked very refined.

     it was enough to increase your curiosity. you stopped walking and went back from the water to sit in the sand. you waste no more time and opened the bottle. you took the letter first, and rolled it out. you could see a beautiful handwriting.

the letter looked extremely long, but you didn't mind at all.

     « well, i guess i have to start the letter now i stained the paper with the ink...

i'm Song Mingi, and today is April, 11th.

i still don't know why i'm doing this. maybe no one will find it. but when Yunho hyung suggested me to do this, i thought it would be funny.

Yunho is my best friend. Jeong Yunho. and i don't know what would have happened without him. i never told him this but.. he saved me.

the truth is that i'm sick. and it's not something new to me. doctors always told me i was on the waiting list, but the donnation i'm waiting for never came yet. but i honestly don't think i will ever have the transplant.

i wanted to give up when i was diagnosed with this disease. but Yunho never let me doing so. he was here, he always have been here. he took me out, he went over, he called me multiple times a day to know if i was good, he always picked up the phone when i was calling him because i felt physically or mentally bad. this is why i'm saying he saved me.

i could live longer than the doctors thought i would. and i then got the chance to live beautiful moments with him. but i honestly think i don't have much time left. doctors think now i'm having about a month left, and i feel like i'm getting weaker day after day. maybe, this time, they're right? and this time, Yunho can't do anything.

i'm honestly devastated just thinking about him having to live a loss like this. he is so devoted as a friend, he is so caring. he can light up everyone's life just with his smile and his puppy eyes. he is reliable and he is loyal.

someone like him shouldn't live something like this. he shouldn't have to face the loss of a friend. but, i can't do anything about that.

he is the one who suggested me to do this letter. because i didn't have time enough to mark the world with my words, my works and my personality.

i always dreamt of being an idol. idols are inspiring people by their works, their words. i wanted to be this idol who will mark the world with my songs. i know, it's very complicated. and even once an idol got to debut, it's still very hard. but i was ready to this. i had something to say, and for as long as the public would have listened to me, i would have said what i had to say.

but since i couldn't, Yunho told me to try and mark someone's life with this bottle. he wanted me to put positiveness in this, to light up someone's life or day. but i don't know how to do that. how am i supposed to put positiveness in a letter when i'm facing the death? when i'm suffering?

i know, maybe you didn't really want to read something written by someone who rants.

give me an another try.

when this bottle will arrive to you, i don't know where i will be. maybe still alive. maybe watching you, from above, reading this. i don't really know. i don't even know if someone will read this.

is there someone? are you still reading?

if yes, i'm not super dexterous with words but i'll try for you: you're beautiful. your hairstyle is amazing. and you're doing great. whether in your personal and professional life. you're doing so great, i'm proud of you. i hope you're chasing your dreams. and if you already did realise your dream, then make an another dream and chase it. don't stop. even if it's tough, even if you're tired of working to achieve this dream and you're not done yet, just keep it up. you're on the right way. and it's never too late to start. do it for me.

i wish you will cross someone's path, someone that will make you happy. either in love or in friendship. someone like Yunho. devoted, caring, loyal, someone you can always lean on. someone that will light up your life.

i also accept to lend you my Yunho, if you don't find someone like that. but you gotta deserve it! i gave you his full name, now you gotta look after him by yourself. but please... if you do meet him, take care of him. he is also very sensitive. i'm not afraid to say he means the world to me. so if you ever hurt him... i'll be very disappointed in you.

he needs a lot of affection. so please, since he is very out-going, don't be afraid to go out with him. and don't be afraid of being clingy with him. he will love it, and he will give it back to you very well by making you happy, and loved. i'm sure you will go along very well, together.

i wish i was still here to meet you too. and i bet we could have been a very nice little squad of three friends.

i can imagine Yunho, you and i, going around the city, laughing, talking about everything, whether it's serious or it's just us being idiots, in our world. we would have go through everything all together. and we would have supported each other no matter what.

but i'll still be by your side. living in his heart, in his mind, in his gaze. and maybe in your mind too.

don't you both dare forget about me! but don't think too much about me neither. enjoy your life. don't waste too much time over a dead person, ok?

you'll find in this bottle a picture of me. and since i'm kind and in the mood to help you... a picture of Yunho. but i also put a bracelet.

it's up to you to wear it. or sell it. or throw it. or just leave it somewhere in your house to keep in mind this bottle, this message, and maybe me, without wearing it everytime.

this bracelet is my favourite. Yunho gifted it to me. i first wanted to keep it, and bring it with me. you know... in my grave. but the design is so beautiful, so refined, i can't give him back a gift he gave me. so i'm choosing you. i know you will take care of it. i believe in you already. i know you'll take the right decision.

honestly, i'm starting to run out of idea. i don't know what to say anymore. and you're probably not reading anymore. but maybe i'm wrong?

if i'm wrong, i wish you the best. to whoever you are, i'll protect you from above, i promise.

take care of yourself. be the better version of yourself.

and let's be friends in an another life.

sincerely,

your friend,

Song Mingi. »

     as your eyes were reading all his words, you spotted few tear stains here and there. and they weren't made of your tears. even though you cried too, you wiped away each one of your tears with the back of your hand. his letter was very touching, and it looks that even for him, it was touching.

you put the pages back in the bottle after you took out the pictures and the bracelet. you put it around your wrist, promising yourself you won't never remove it. you looked at both pictures. Mingi wrote his name on his, and Yunho's name on his picture. they both were charismatic, and stunning. you couldn't believe they were living such a fatality...

     you looked up to the sea, the pictures in your hands. this letter touched you. and you were ready to fight for your dreams. you had to do it for Mingi. you didn't know him — and you were sad about it — but for him, for his dream he hadn't realised, you had to do it. it was your new goal.

     “i won't disappoint you Mingi. i'll show you you did right when you sent this bottle. and i'll show you you can believe in me. i hope you're not suffering...”

your eyes were fixed on the line between the sea and the sky, far, so far away. and at this moment, a breeze stroked your face softly. was it a sign from Mingi? anyways, you knew deep inside you he heard you.

“i heard you, Mingi. i heard your message. i will take care of Yunho for you. untill we meet each other in an another life. maybe i can't save you... but i can save him. and i will do whatever it takes to make him happy. wait for us, Mingi.”

you looked down to his picture of him, and it felt like your heart broke into million pieces. you slowly stroked the picture, on his cheek.

“you did great, too. i'm proud of you.”

     you put everything back into the bottle, besides the bracelet of course, and put the cork back. you put the bottle in your back, and took out your phone. you had to look after this Yunho now. and as you were walking back to your bike, you were searching for him on internet, and on various social networks.

the question to know what you would say to him didn't even cross your mind when you find his profile, and clicked on the button to start a conversation. it was obvious to you:

« i found Mingi's bottle this morning. i'm Kim y/n. » and with this text, you sent him a picture of your wrist with the bracelet.

his response, which was quick, got your tears falling again:

« he passed away this morning. i guess he waited for you to read the message to know he could go peacefully. »