#i'm just skimming eps now

[prettyflyshyguy]

Idk how far you are in S4, but for the later half I'd say 11, 14, 15/16 have some story beats, 18 introduces an important character, 19, and then from there it's heading off the story, with 21 and 22 being the home stretch so to speak

I'm up to E18 and I'm miserable about it and I am SKIPPING SCENES (party horns, party poppers go off)

[bunysliper]

Castle Ficlet: Off the Highest Shelf 1/1

Off the Highest Shelf A Deep Cover (6x12) Post-Ep

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He hesitates at the threshold to his bedroom - their bedroom - watching her. Although she'd left her coat and the impossibly tall boots she'd worn all day in the closet by the front door when they got home, she hasn't yet shed the rest of her armor, instead floating through the main areas of the loft in her jeans and her cream turtleneck for the evening. She hasn't been in their room at all as far as he can tell.

Until now.

And now Kate stands in her socked feet, staring at their bed with her lip pulled between her teeth. There's a tightness around her eyes that makes him wince, an exhaustion he hates seeing from his partner. After a moment, she sighs, runs a hand through her hair, and steps over to her side of the bed and starts tugging at the covers. Not with the intention of sliding into bed, but to strip the linens from the mattress.

A glimpse of red, already dark and browning with oxidation, reminds him why she can't just climb into bed and surrender to a restful night's sleep. He slips forward at that, joining her at the head of the bed on his side.

"Are you mad?" he asks as they work in an almost choreographed tandem, stripping the pillows and the duvet while she untucks the sheets and bundles them, carefully avoiding the blood - his father's blood - on her side.

"Well, I did like these sheets," she says, dry and contained. It's exactly the response that tells him she is angry, even if she doesn't quite realize it yet.

"That's… that's not what I mean. Are you angry about… my dad?"

Her face twitches just a bit and she sighs. "I'm frustrated that you kept it from me," she admits after a beat. "You had this entire experience in Paris last year and not only did you shut me out then, you continued to do it until now, until this case - until you had absolutely no choice but to bring me in on the family secret. Would you have even told me about him had I not stumbled upon him bleeding on my side of the bed with your mother tending to him?"

He opens his mouth to reply, to defend his decision not to tell her a year ago when Alexis was kidnapped and then to continue to hold that secret until just a few days ago, but sound doesn't make its way past his lips. Her fingers clench against the bundle of sheets and he moves to take them from her; though he's not sure if they are salvageable, he'll send them to the cleaners to have professionals try.

At first it doesn't seem like she's going to give up the linens, but when she does, she speaks again as well, "For years, you made it your mission to turn my life into an open book for you, whether I wanted it to be or not, but you're happy to stay locked up tight, to be a volume that's just high enough on a shelf to be considered off-limits, so nobody will try to read it."

"That's not-" Is it? He's not locked up tight; he shares plenty - doesn't he?

She licks her lips, running a hand through her hair before adding, "I'm trying. I'm trying to read it- you. I want to read you, as strange as it sounds to say out loud like that. You told me earlier tonight that you realized he's not family; that I am. So, start acting like it, Rick. Talk to me - tell me things."

"You don't need to be off-limits anymore," she adds, lifting a shoulder quickly as if it will distract from how deeply she feels about this subject.

Taking a deep breath, he leans over to drop the sheets on the floor near their bedroom door. It's not a perfect solution (and a little bit gross if he thinks too hard about it - he'll make sure to clean the hardwood, too), but he needs his hands free to reach for her and draw her into his chest.

Beckett sighs, relaxing into his embrace and slipping her arms around his waist. Her breath skims across his neck and he feels her sink deeper against him.

"I think… more than anything, I think it hurt my feelings," she admits into his skin. "Being left out like that."

His hands flex against her back, his eyes squeezing shut. "I'm sorry. That was… it was never… I'm sorry."

She nods after a moment, accepting his fumbled apology. "I know. And I know that was how you felt with the AG job and the interview."

Castle brushes his fingers through the ends of her hair, contemplating her words. They'd done the same thing to each other - unknowingly and unwittingly, but they had.

"Kate-"

Her lips brush his jaw, cutting off whatever it is he'd been about to say (though he's not entirely sure what it had been, beyond another apology, maybe even an assurance that he hadn't been trying to even the score or something like that).

"I know, Rick. I know it's not some kind of tit for tat. But…tell me now?" she asks, lifting a hand to cup the back of his neck. "While we make the bed?"

He nods, resting his cheek against her forehead. "Okay. But I warn you, it might give you more information about my mother's sex life than you ever want to know."

Kate laughs, giving his neck a squeeze. "I think I can handle it. I do sort of live with her now, you know."

Castle touches his lips to her hairline. "And you know what she's like."

"Oh hush, she's not that bad." Kate steps back, reaching for a bottle of disinfectant that he takes and sprays for her.

"Now. Imagine back then."

Kate hands him a rag to swipe over the mattress as well. There aren't any visible stains, thankfully, but he's not going to argue with her directions.

"I don't need to imagine," she says, rubbing a hand down his back. "Because you can tell me."

Her lips dust the back of his neck, the gesture soft and relaxing; it's not an interrogation, she just wants to know, wants to listen. So, he talks, telling her his mother's side of the story from when he was growing up, weaving it into the tale of the harrowing days when Alexis was missing and his father's daring rescue in Paris.

When that story concludes, all it takes is a soft look from her and a squeeze of her hand on his forearm for him to offer up everything else that's been on his mind since they caught their most recent case.

------------------------------------------------------------------------ Long time, no see! It's been a time recently, and putting words to paper has been difficult, but I was able to finish this yesterday so I figured I would offer it to the world today. Thanks for reading.

[byemambo]

4Minutes EP. 3 - My Takeaways

I went back and skimmed through the previous episodes 1 and 2 (which I've already posted my takeaways for in the previous weeks) to confirm a few thoughts I have now that I finished episode 3.

Tyme's Temperament (Childhood Trauma)

I found this small exchange between Tyme and Great to be pretty insightful in terms of how Tyme's attitude affects his every day outlook on life. This seems to be a common trope in films and TV (especially in thriller/crime genres) where a main character has motives to avenge the death of their parents, which I'd assume would be the case with Tyme as well as the series goes on and we're given more context to why Tyme is caught up in Great's family organized crime scheme. Given that his motivation for being a surgeon isn't rooted in being a contributing member to society through hospitality but by making ends meet for him and his grandmother, it's no surprise that Tyme's attitude towards his patients is distant and impersonal. This dissociation can also stem from experiencing a huge loss at a young age, and putting the burden of financial responsibility onto himself.

We see this by a shift in Den's disdain for Tyme's lack of empathy towards his patients by going against their wishes for the mere sake of not letting his patient die, which we can already see this dependence Tyme has with being unable to let go and allow the laws of nature to run its course. Given that this seems to be a recurring theme of Tyme's from how Den's attitude was when reminding Tyme of the patient's name, we hope that his story arc will consist of Tyme learning what it means to "let go," especially because he's taught himself for many decades to "hold on."

Win and Tonkla (Your Wish is My Command)

The way these two establish their relationship in this episode isn't surprising to me, but what became evident was the juxtaposition in how Tonkla's treated by Korn and by Win. Korn became someone who shoves Tonkla to the side, someone who he had successfully hid away from his personal life and making a deliberate choice to keep a distance from him. This lack of communication burdens Tonkla to a point of heightening his grief, which we know how corrupted it is for officials to rendezvous with victims of a case assigned to them, but ultimately sparks codependency between Win and Tonkla, which Tonkla relied on Korn for until he became an after thought mourning the death of his younger brother (thank goodness Dome is alive btw). The stark difference between Win's approach versus Korn's is simple: fulfilling the wishes of Tonkla. Although we've only seen this exchange occur during the heat of sex, we see Tonkla ask the same of both people (fuck me raw?), Korn saying nothing while protecting himself while Win speaks up for the sake of their safety. However, this will become a losing game if Tonkla still seeks validation from Korn, pushing him beyond his limits and may contribute to harming the individual that we saw in the opening of episode 2. I also want to know whether or not this will heavily affect Win's desire to help Tonkla with his younger brother's case, revealing his chief to be one who's accepted bribes in the past and has a strong sense of justice.

Great Documents the Timeline

Thank you for Great having a head on his shoulders and taking the time to document his findings on how his visions and powers work, giving us a chance as the audience to continue with our own theories and assumptions. I don't really have any plausible reasons for what each minute in Great's visions represent just yet, but I'm leaning towards each time Great and Tyme make a decision significant in keeping their paths crossed.

When it was 11:00 - Great runs into Tyme in the ward after leaving flowers for the patient. When it was 11:01 - Right after Great and Tyme exchange phone numbers. When it was 11:02 - Great finds Tyme attacking his brother, but is revealed his true identity when confronted outside the lounge.

Foreshadowing

I found the inclusion of the message "Can you forgive me Great?" to be the most interesting in the entire episode: because the message only becomes important once we're revealed that Tyme is connected to Nan, the woman who infiltrated the crime scheme and sending evidence back who we can assume right now is either Tyme or the police investigators. But then it makes me wonder: how is Tyme associated with her, is he more than a regular surgeon at the hospital with a connection to the police or is he actually a part of the police which is already iffy for me because if he's also an undercover investigator AND surgeon good fucking god...? Are both of them individuals who are outside of the police investigation as it seems Win isn't aware of their participation as a potential fellow investigator? Since Win was forced to step down from Tonkla's brother's case (I can only assume it's treated separately from the gambling investigation), does that mean he will invest more into the online gambling case since now not only was there a hacker and shareholder mole involved in episode 2, but now we have Nan being held hostage (which I'm still unsure of whether she's working directly with Tyme or with the investigators as well)?

Honorable Mentions: Meeting Between the Two Visionaries

I'm curious to know how Den will set up his patient with Great, since he's been doing extensive research into their prospects. Will they meet in person beforehand: have they already met in his "gallery" that Great described it as when he wrote down his findings? Will this "gallery" be a recurring setting we will encounter as the series progressed (since it's featured in the trailer and teaser photos prior to the first episode's release?) And I just rewatched the trailer again: I'll still be shocked if Tyme is actually undercover while still doing his doctoral duties cause that'd be a little insane to me...

[physics-of-one-piece]

I absolutely cannot wait for “I’ll build castles for you, my love”!!! I’m now a sucker for possessive soft, brought to his knees for you Doflamingo. I’m so excited to see how you write the full fic since I’m so in love with the little snippets you’ve written so far! Sending lots of love and writing inspo your way!!! ❤️❤️

Aaaa, I'm excited too, anon! Thank you so much for this lovely message, for sending the inspo my way, and I am sending you all the love! ❤️❤️

I took a bit of a break from writing I'll build castles for you, my love since I went all out and wrote like 15k overall in like a week or two and I've been writing what I call Red Suit Doffy Fic which is set sorta in the same setting, except Doffy manages to get Reader right away before the marines come pick her up so...

I just used it as an excuse because my jaw was on the floor when I saw North Blue Doffy wearing his red suit on Minion Island. Just... On the floor. God, he looks so ✨FINE✨ 😩

Possessive, soft, brought down on his knees for you Doflamingo is def my favourite Doffy to write. He has his soft moments, but he is def also an absolute gaslighting asshole. I always try to keep Doffy... Well, Doffy. For, I'll build castles for you, my love by having that last remaining bit of you as family via your connection to Rosinante, he clings to you a... A lot. He doesn't show you at first, but oh boy, the more times he visits, the more times he sees you, he just... There is a flutter in his chest that gets stronger and stronger with every visit. You're his, your baby with Rosinante might as well be his, too. Forget Rosi. Doflamingo's the better brother - he is the one who walked out of Minion Island alive, after all, and he wouldn't have done that if he wasn't better, now would he?

I think the most fun (read terrifying) thing has been just writing that Celestial Dragon Thought Process™ Doflamingo has, and after rewatching Ep 733 where he explains his view of people to Luffy, seeing on how he treats "humans" depending on his fondness/feelings for them is interesting. And also, Celestial Dragon Traditions which are FUCKED UP. They're 800 years old, so there will be some fucked up practices they consider normal which Doflamingo sticks with - such as the head of the CD family having a right to marry his dead sibling's spouse and taking his family as his own! Isn't that neat? 😊 It's totally normal for Doffy to fantasize about marrying you. Totally normal for him!

Okay, I am now obliged to share a snippet from I'll build castles for you, my love bcs your message made me so happy, thank you for sending it, anon. Lemme just skim and see sth non-spoilery (hopefully)...

***

“Nothing would stop me from coming back to you,” growled Doflamingo, his forehead creased in a frown, his smile gone; he wasn't playing around anymore. “There could be an army of ten thousand in my way, and I’d still come back to you!”

You froze. Your hand went limp in Doflamingo’s massive grip. He was crowding your space, infringing upon your personal bubble without a thought for your comfort, invasive. His tanned hand clutched yours, dwarfing it.

“Why can’t you get that?” he demanded, his face intimately, terrifyingly close to yours. 

***

I need everyone to know Doffy SPEEDRUNS the Grand Line and gets his warlord title a MONTH after Rosi's death in this fic so he can be there for Reader during her pregnancy. You thought Luffy's crew did a great speedrun? Nah, the Donquixote Pirates invented the Grand Line Speedrun.

Thank you for the kind message, anon. Sending all the love to you ❤️

[booasaur]

Have you seen this french soa "Ici tout commence" ? There's a wlw story going on that's pretty nice! Lots of tropes ! (strangers -> bestfriends -> lovers, the socially anxious introverted x popular extroverted mean girl, fake dating....) If anyone wants to watch their story, you can ask to follow @itsoiise on twitter they have the videos with eng subtitles :) I hope you have a great day !

Hi, yeah, as I briefly mentioned the other day, I am watching it, but still pretty behind.

Instead of just watching a cut of the ship's scenes, I downloaded all the eps from this current season and the provided French closed captioning, and then machine translated those to get English subtitles that mooostly work. Then I just started watching from the first ep.

As usual with soaps, even though I'm usually jumping in for just the ship and will often skim to their parts, I like to know the full context and do eventually get sucked into the rest of the stories, so at this point I've finished Teyssier's flareup, the Lionel/Kelly/Malik/Ambre love square, just completed the David abuse story, and am now fully entering the Carla pregnancy arc. That's in November, so I still have about three more months to catch up to.

I'm surprised you mentioned fake dating for Carla and Berenice too, since she's right now in the middle of fake dating Souleymane! But please don't give me any other spoilers, I know that currently, as in right now in February, there's a lot going on with them but I've blacklisted everything so I'm actually staying pretty spoiler-free, except knowing there is activity, or at least there was on Berenice's side, that's about how much I picked up when this first popped up on my radar.

But anyway, so I love them already! Their friendship really is a perfect mix of opposites attract, like you said, the confident mean girl and the socially anxious introvert, but like any great relationship, that's just a fraction of their dynamic.

Carla being so outgoing and without any respect for boundaries that she quickly bulldozed through Berenice's, who would have never reached out first, while Berenice being so quiet is what made Carla unthreatened enough to seek her out and let her in, that's how their differences put them together but what's kept them together are all their similarities. Berenice's no doormat and her light sarcasm and humor and willingness to call Carla out are actually what make Carla really like her, and it's Carla's very occasional kindness (mostly drawn out by and for Berenice) that made her reassure Berenice at the very start and convince her to stay.

Each makes the other a better person; Carla pushes Berenice to be more outgoing and not stuck in her head or her screens so much while Berenice pushes Carla to be nicer and fairer to everyone. If they weren't already a ship I'd be shipping them!

Most of all, they genuinely like each other! It's funny that individually they're both the type to be isolated from the rest of the school, Carla too spoiled and snobby, Berenice too withdrawn, but they get along perfectly. All the contrasting and complementary parts of their personalities makes them always happy to just hang out with each other, on the same wavelength but never boring and predictable. They're just so playful and at ease and comfortable with each other, it's wonderful. :)

[zilabee]

I listened to the final ep of @anotherkindofmindpod's Fine Tuning, yesterday. I'm so sad it's ended. I loved every.single.second. I don't think I've posted about it at all, but it's only because everyone was already saying it better, and my posts end up in drafts half finished and confused and full of runaway sentences of little import.

I'm really grateful for the whole thing. Grateful the way I was when I watched Understanding Lennon McCartney the first time, like being given a genuine gift of fandom making sense of itself. I don't know. It's just lovely to have. And it's done so well.

When, in the first ep, they casually mentioned that there were going to be ELEVEN episodes I knew it was going to be amazing. Proper genuine "we have a lot to say and we're going to say it all so you don't think we didn't think it through" you know? I love that they didn't start making eleven episodes and then decide that was too many and cut 40% of it out, it's more like they wanted to make twenty episodes and then cut out about 40% of that. Making eleven episodes and then being like 'we didn't even have time to talk about anything that we LIKED about this book' is a real move. A perfect shiny move.

The fact they made a spreadsheet sends me into fits. I love it.

Cards on the table I have not read Tune In properly, I have skimmed and picked at it, and obviously I've seen loads of it quoted on tumblr, but EVERY quote you read from it (and everything he says in interviews) makes it so fucking OBVIOUS that he doesn't understand basic things, I've never been able to face it full on. And the frustration that people (men) can't see how bad it is. So having it put out there like this, bit by bit, oh the joy of it.

And then it's also so much worse than I knew, because I'd never really worked out that he was just MAKING UP QUOTES and mushing them together to say new things, and oh my god the stuff that's NOT in there, is insane. The bit in episode 3 where AKOM quickly list off about five or six really interesting things about Paul's art in his schooldays and then you find out that Tune In didn't even MENTION that he liked to paintklsjdofihoijsodijfohwoisjdf OH MY GOD.

I'm blown away by the work of it, and the scale of it, and how well put together it was. I love the *feel* of it. I love its tone when they let the sarcasm ride high. The voices of "sincere surprise" are just my favourite thing. "Oh, so he mentions that Paul did x and y right?" "Actually, weirdly he doesn't!" "Oh, HOW STRANGE. But does he say he was interested in z???" "Oddly no." I love the sense of giddy anticipation in the intro ep, it must have been killing them to have made so much of it and not be able to talk about it.

I'm so fully aware that all of what they're saying will move into other podcasts, and become things that men sort of talk about as if obviously everyone kind of sees the bias in Tune In, even though they've always talked about it as if it's a great work of truth until now. It kills me softly. And they'll claim it's only POSSIBLE to see that now, ten years later when it's spelled out to them, as if it's aged badly or something, when actually female fandom has been fucked off with Tune In for fucking years. But that's FINE. WHATEVER.

Also glorious have been all the posts people posted around it, and how the conversation grew, and especially the fact that @mythserene had clearly been doing a lot of the same work. Her posts in tandem with the show are so wonderful, and make it even more special, the depth of fandom for the love of fandom <3333333

[shijiujun]

OFFICIAL NOVEL: Kiseki Dear to Me Rundown From Start to End (A PRETTY LONG POST)

I briefly shared a brief read through of the last two chapters (and also what we can expect will happen in episodes 9-13) for Kiseki Dear to Me yesterday, and now that I have a bit of time, here's a slightly more detailed look through the novel! The drama was adapted from the novel so I think we can more or less expect some of these details in the novel turn up in the drama as well, although I've already seen some differences, mostly due to timing.

Also another thing to note is that the novel's protagonists were clearly Bai Zongyi and Fan Zherui, so the others really don't feature in terms of deepening relationship at all, but disclaimer that I'm still doing a skim through for now, haven't had time to read every word ;-;

Title: Kiseki Dear to Me (same name) Total: 1 Prologue + 10 Chapters + 2 Extras + 1 Special Feature (?) Author: Lin Peiyu, who's behind quite a number of well known TW BLs, including H3T

NOVEL SPOILERS IN FULL BELOW

(1) Prologue

Ai Di curses as he and Bai Zongyi leave the prison, and he makes the mistake of looking back as it's considered a taboo for released prisoners to look back at their place on incarceration (because it means you're gonna go back)

BZY: Well if you obey the law from now on you won't have a chance to come back, and Ai Di goes: Who the hell do you think I am of course I'm going to get into trouble and how can you say that to me, I protected you for a year!!

Chen Yi picks Ai Di up in a sports car and Ai Di scolds Chen Yi because how's he gonna give BZY a ride in a two-seated but Chen Yi doesn't want to bring BZY any more potential negative trouble, and drives off

Ai Di is like why is it so depressing when I should be happy and Chen Yi said: That your damn problem and Ai Di is all: We haven't seen each other for a year and you're still so nasty to me

(2) Chapter 1

Mostly the same as the drama, BZY meets FZR who's injured for the first time, Ai Di goes crazy hitting people when they lose FZR

Chen Yi teases Ai Di saying if he smokes any more he's not going to grow taller to which Ai Di says, "Are you so damn great just because you're 180cm?!"

FZR cooking > All these are the same, the only thing is they packed eps 1-3 all in the first chapter

In the car when FZR is picked up by Ai Di and Chen Yi, they talk a bit about how FZR is someone that Chen Dongyang passed to Chen Yi to protect and that's why he puts so much attention on him, and FZR is like "oh so anyone who matters to Chen Dongyang you'll protect? oh, i forgot, except for Er-Ye (second boss, Zhou Minglei) and ISTG Chen Yi is so damn wild?! He goes, "He's (Zhou Minglei) is still alive, that's as much as I am tolerating him" (because he's jealous he gets to be with Chen Dongyang) > THIS IS WAY MORE OBVIOUS HERE THAN IN THE DRAMA

(3) Chapter 2

Technically when FZR leaves BZY's house and intends not to see him again, they next meet in the school in drama with FZR as a teacher, but in the novel, FZR comes back to the house drunk with BZY cuz he missed BZY unconsciously and also because BZY was working at the place he got drunk at, and also got into a fight at

Ends with scared-of-the-rain scene with FZR comforting BZY

(4) Chapter 3

WHEN THEY WAKE UP IN BED THE NEXT DAY THEY ARE ALREADY GETTING SMEXY WITH EACH OTHER like cuz they're in the same bed from FZR comforting BZY who was scared of the rain the night before, and when they wake up, they couldn't help it and FZR basically pounced on BZY - they don't go all the way tho, strictly hands only until Ai Di calls and interrupts them

Ai Di treats FZR's wounds and we can really see how great friends they are because Ai Di is lived as hell that FZR is hurt and cursing up a storm and FZR is all "if I die, do you wanna bet you'll be the saddest out of everyone?" LMAO

And we get the student framing scene, but FZR is not a teacher AT ALL he's there as BZY's cousin, and he comes to school all decked in like riches and everyone is like OMG IS BZY A RICH BOY

After that we get the same thing i.e. FZR asking BZY if he did well at defending him, the hug and the likes

Difference is BZY gets home that night and gets a fever because he was burnt by the chemicals from the incident in the classroom with the girl who framed him after not handling rejection well

FZR takes care of him really well and they're really attracted to each other and can feel that deep connection and are super drawn to each other idek how to put it

Ai Di ends up at a "part-time job" without telling Chen Yi

(5) Chapter 4

Gangster boss meeting NOT in the bathhouse but in a regular meeting room and everyone is present, and obviously Zhou Minglei is scolding Chen Yi but Chen Dongyang is obviously protective over Chen Yi and excusing his actions (same as drama)

Chen Dongyang tries to convince FZR to go back to his family

FZR goes back to BZY after a while (at least a few days or weeks because everytime they reunite in this chapter and past few chapters, FZR makes a comment about how he's now taller etc.)

BZY confesses, and wishes to grow up faster so he can have FZR

(6) Chapter 5

FZR avoids BZY and asks Chen Yi why they all keep asking him to go back to the Fan family (same as drama), then he runs back to BZY's place because of the rain and BZY is hurt (same as drama too)

And then yes same the drama they sleep together for the first time (and a few times after lol)

(7) Chapter 6

The morning after, unlike the drama, they do get their second morning round in

And then some time after BZY actually gets to orientation at med school, and somehow finds out that FZR might have something to do with the Fan family, and realises he's not FZR's match in terms of status

FZR talks about his past, and then BZY tells him again that he loves him for him, and then FZR says "you're my man" and BZY goes insane obviously

After they confirm their feelings again, FZR decides that he can't keep living the half-gangsta life and decides to leave the gang and head back home

He bids farewell to Chen Yi and Ai Di quite formally like with a cup of tea and they don't say goodbye because from today onwards their paths are different and will never cross again (WTS?!?!! drama much?!)

Chen Yi tries to look for Zhang Teng

(8) Chapter 7

BZY's fam comes to visit, and then they stay over

FZR suggests that BZY moves in with him and same as drama, all the sweet promises and trying to build a future together

While they're rolling in the sheets, FZR threatens BZY and say if he dares to break any promises to him he would kill him LOL

(9) Chapter 8

Chased down by Zhang Teng's men just after they move in together

There's no backstory for Zhang Teng and FZR either, ZY just plain hates Chen Yi and co, and the same thing where he ends up dying too

As FZR is undergoing surgery, BZY asks Chen Yi and Ai Di if they're cops or gangsters and Ai Di is like oh the latter, and then FZR's grandpa, dad, younger brother and mother come

They meet but don't say much to each other and then afterwards BZY is no longer able to see FZR, and FZR's parents sell the house and tell BZY not to cling onto FZR anymore etc., and FZR basically realises what a shitty ass home FZR lived in and why he wanted to run away and join the gang

BZY's dad ends up in the hospital and he's at the hospital when Chen Dongyang finds him and convinces him to take the rap for FZR, and BZY himself realises what grandpa Fan is doing, he wants to break them up

But he agrees anyway because if FZR wakes up and turns himself in it might be a death sentence

Chen Dongyang is super unhappy he had to pass the news to BZY like this under grandpa Fan's requests, who he owes a favour too, and really hates and regrets that he ruined BZY's future, and he scolds Chen Yi and tells him that they would forever owe BZY one till the day they die

Ai Di goes to the hospital, sneaks in and whispers the news to FZR hoping it'd wake him up, so turns out Zhang Teng went after FZR because he realised he was from the Fan family (wtf is the link idk, they don't really say it here) after FZR's third uncle let the news leak to him

He tells him BZY is in jail and what grandpa Fan did to him and FZR finally reacts, but he asks who Ai Di is after he wakes up

Ai Di: SERIOUSLY?!

(10) Chapter 9

BZY gets out of jail, returns home to his dad and sister, and poor bb is depressed af. They urge him to go back to med school since he doesn't have a record anyway, but he tells them that he hurt his head in jail and has severe short term memory loss, like he can be saying one thing one moment and forgetting it the next and saying it again, he needs his notebook to help him remember

They both know why he went to jail and dad is guilty af and angry af at FZR but BZY told him he doesn't regret doing it for the person he loves

Dad tries to creep up on BZY but BZY reacts very badly, because he had to protect himself in prison from terrible people

And while his brain can't handle med school anymore, BZY takes the money that grandpa Fan and Chen Dongyang promised his four years ago and opens a dessert shop to sell the desserts he promised FZR he would make for him

FZR at this point is getting scolded by his grandpa, and his younger bro, heir to the Fan family, is speaking up for him

Once FZR leaves the room, grandpa Fan tells younger bro to make use of FZR and squeeze him dry because that's all the use he is

But once the younger bro leaves his grandpa, he meets FZR outside and tells him not to give too much of a shit about what grandpa said, and that's when it's revealed that FZR has NOT lost his memories

Younger bro has been hiding it for him all this while and they're working together - FZR wants revenge against third uncle and also his grandpa a little, while younger bro doesn't want to sit at the top of the family but still be subject to grandpa's control

Younger bro was also the one who told him all about BZY and what grandpa did to him the moment he woke up from the accident four years ago, and that's how he managed to pretend to be amnesiac in time

FZR is filled with guilt and self-blame and pain because where BZY is that's his home, but now he's ashamed to see him, but he still can't see him either because he needs to revenge first, makes sure it's safe

A new cafe opens near a university, and BZY makes the best desserts - his sister asks him why he doesn't go find FZR, and he just doesn't dare to anymore because of the way he is now, broken - AND SIMULTANEOUSLY FZR and his younger bro are seated in a car outside the bakery and younger bro is like "miracles don't happen just by you sitting on your ass here" and FZR also doesn't dare to go in and see BZY

He threatens his bro and makes him go in to buy desserts for him, and tears up when he realises all the desserts are familiar to him, that BZY was keeping his promise, but still doesn't go in

BUT SNEAKY LITTLE BRO!!! On the note he gives BZY, he writes a message "FZR didn't lose his memory, if you wanna see him come to xxx place tomorrow"

And BZY is convinced by his dad to take the leap

BZY goes to the address as stated the next day and realises he knocked on younger bro's door, and younger bro is like he's NEXT DOOR thanks

BZY goes in and sees FZR asleep, and a bottle of sedatives next to the bed. He wakes him up, and FZR thinks he's a figment of his imagination in his dreams because FZR, through the four years, has been using sedatives to fall asleep because that's the only place he sees BZY

They sleep together, FZR still thinking it's a dream, and only a bit later when he feels pain he realises that FUCK IT REALLY IS HIM

THEY ARE FINALLY WHOLE!!! THEY open their hearts to each other again and tell each what they're thinking and how scared they are etc., and they've found their way back to each other again

(11) Chapter 10

FZR and BZY are seeing each other again with FZR running between Taipei and Taichung, and then he finally runs into FZR's dad again

He's apologetic and regretful and ashamed, but dad is now understanding and gives his blessings

On the TV, news of Taiwan's imminent gay-marriage bill is on and BZY plans to propose and marry FZR, and FZR promises that in the future, he'll write in his notebook for him, he'll remember and make memories for them both

BED TIME! Happily ever after

(12) Extras + Others

Extra 1 is the scene in the drama where BZY's sister sees them kissing in FZR's living room

Extra 2 is between FZR and his brother, and his younger brother basically tells him that he's always known what FZR's mother was doing but he never cared about it because no matter what she or FZR did, whether he acted stupid or smart or whatever, FZR's brother's status at the heir would never change, and FZR is like wtf bro firstly, that's hurtful, secondly, you're telling me I could have just been less emo all these years, and then FZR's bro drops a bomb that HE IS GAY TOO and he's seeming someone and FZR is like "omg is grandpa Fan going to have a heart attack you've got two gay boys here huh"

Special Feature is just a routine day between dessert maker BZY and busy businessman FZR, a sweet, sweet day <3

-----

ALRIGHT AND THAT IS IT!

Okay I'm honestly not at all surprised at the loopholes in the writing in the novel it's quite characteristic of quite a number of the authors' books LOL and I'm so damn happy the drama decided to take it up a notch and give colour to Ai Di, Chen Yi, Chen Dongyang and Zhou Minglei because DAMN the novel treated them like third-class citizens ok barely like a handful of mentions I'm like WHY DO YALL EVEN EXIST HERE IF NOT TO BE GAY AND BECOME CPs

Sad Zhang Teng too, he was literally just a token villain CAN U IMAGINE

HAPPY WATCHING THE REST OF THE KISEKI DEAR TO ME DRAMA YALLLLLL <3 No need to be scared of extended dual amnesia plot pain UNLESS we get a drama canon deviation

[telomeke]

LAST TWILIGHT AND READING THE SUNSET – VISUALS, OPTICS AND ENDINGS IN BONDAGE TO THE BAHT

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Last Twilight aired its final episode on Friday 26 January 2024, and the response on BL Tumblr to how things wrapped up (at least among the majority of BL watchers whom I follow) has been a lot of head-shaking disappointment, if not exactly full-on hatred. Without the bittersweet touches we've come to expect from Director Aof as counterballast for his trademark uplifting sentimentality, the ending came across as unforgivably sappy and sugary-sweet for many of us.

And I found myself agreeing with a lot of the criticism being flung at Last Twilight – for the ardent Noppharnachionados accustomed to more nuanced, thought-provoking output from Director Aof (Moonlight Chicken comes immediately to mind) the final episode of Last Twilight (and especially the fourth instalment, Part [4/4]) felt very boxer-gloved, rushing to hit its marks but then only clobbering bluntly at the surface, never venturing deeper and lacking subtlety at every turn.

But I've been giving it a once-over, because it's a little surprising to me that Khun Noppharnach (who's such an expert at his craft) could land quite the dud that some, including me, were so uncharitably calling Last Twilight.

And I now think – as Khun Noppharnach has done so many times before – he may very well be trolling us again. Because on my rewatch, I'm finding that the narrative holds certain clues that Director Aof was possibly quite conscious of what he was doing with Ep.12 of Last Twilight. On closer inspection it's a whole lot cleverer than it seems (maybe a bit too clever for its own good) – but it does require much sign-reading though (and caveat: I'm not a trained or professional tea leaf reader!). 🤷‍♂️

Anyway, after a speed-run rewatch of the 12 episodes (just skimming the surface really, so forgive me if I overlook anything) I've decided I need to reconsider a lot of my preliminary judgement about Last Twilight's final episode (and the series in general). I now think it actually does satisfy on a number of levels (even while it continues to disappoint on so many others). But because of work and other commitments though, this post is very late (still, better late than never I guess!)

I'm not wanting to spend too much time on the text and subtext, because it's the metatextual level of Last Twilight (what this BL says about BL) that intrigues me the most. But this is going to be a super-long post anyway.

In many ways Last Twilight was a departure from Director Aof's usual work, and the most obvious was its return to the structure and content typical of a traditional romance drama. Khun Noppharnach had actually moved away from this in his output over the past few years (once again, Moonlight Chicken is the paragon of examples; Bad Buddy nodded at this, if only to subvert it and signal to us that Khun Noppharnach was attempting an overhaul of LGBTQ+ depictions in the BL industry).

Some background to start things off – BL, including Thai BL, owes a lot to het romance dramas that set the archetypal framework early on, and early BLs often followed that inherited formula very closely (I think SOTUS and Together with Me fit this bill).

Painting with the broadest of brushstrokes, a stereotypical (het) romance drama can usually be expected to structure its narrative according to the following:

The meeting of the protagonists, usually a fraught mix of attraction and friction;

They go on a journey of falling in love with each other (and we get to watch along);

A major conflict arises to test their love and commitment;

They triumph over the conflict and end up happily ever after (most of the time) or are overcome by it (and the love story ends tragically, some of the time).

As a lot of romance stories are targeted at women, typically the female protagonist in a het romance drama is the center of attention, and the story is told from her point of view as well.

And because of their het predecessors, early BLs also tended to depict their couples with a masculine/feminine framing (which could also be spun out into a dominant/submissive and/or active/passive dynamic – the dreaded seme/uke binary).

Director Aof took a wrecking ball to all that with Bad Buddy (upending the structure, subverting the conflict, dispensing with seme/uke), and his works have since veered toward more-rounded LGBTQ+ drama, centered around romance, but forgoing the stereotypical structure and beats of more traditional romance dramas.

But if you think about it, Last Twilight actually hews quite closely back to the original template.

For example, Mhok is a big, scruffy ex-convict and mechanic, stereotypically masculine – the proverbial seme – while Day is slighter, younger and a Mama's boy (despite what Night says at Ep.10 [2/4] 16.24) leaning into uke territory.

The structure was pretty traditional as well:

The early entanglements of Mhok and Day were a mix of antagonism and attraction;

They went on a journey of falling in love with each other despite their differences, that we were allowed to witness – we had "masculine" Mhok losing his heart to "feminine" Day first, with the seme then pursuing his grumpy uke (a tsundere?) and subjecting us to plenty of swoonworthy Aaaaw moments as Mhok piled on much tenderness, care and affection;

The major conflict that tested their love and commitment was actually Day's questioning of Mhok's motivations, leading to their rupture in the clichéd Episode 11 of Doom;

They triumphed over the conflict after Mhok returned and demonstrated that he'd grown and learnt his lessons in meeting Day's less visible needs – not very convincingly though (and I think this is one part where a lot of us feel extremely let down by the narrative) – but it was enough to sweep Day off his feet once again, and they got their happily ever after.

There was some padding in the middle (including the obligatory out-of-town tourism jaunt – I'm convinced BLs that do this receive grants from the Tourism Authority, and in Last Twilight we were treated to a sojourn in Songkhla). The show really had to work stretching things out over 11 episodes (which was why, for me, the pacing started to drag in the second half). But overall I think the structure of Last Twilight marks a faithful return to BLs (and het romances) of older times.

With regard to characterization, Day rendered progressively hapless and helpless as his vision declined made him easy to read as a damsel-in-distress, the object of savior-knight Mhok's affections and ministrations. It's thus also unsurprising when we were shown more of Day's point of view than Mhok's (just as we usually get to see more of a heroine's interior journey in traditional het romance dramas than her romantic foil's). Last Twilight was nodding at the past once more, asking us again to view it through the lens of an old-school (BL) romance drama.

A lot of romance dramas also tend to be intellectually lightweight – some are pure sentimental, throwaway indulgence – and if we place Last Twilight somewhere on the less demanding end of the spectrum, it's a more than serviceable example of the genre and has in fact more heft than most. (I was expecting it to land more in queer drama territory as has most of Khun Noppharnach's work, and the fact that it only half did contributed a lot to my sense of disappointment at the end.)

But as a lighter piece of trad BL fluff, Last Twilight did punch above its weight class very often. And all of the discourse around vision and Day's increasing blindness was the early tip-off to one of its weightier, central themes – that of seeing and being seen in the light of one's truth.

As his vision faded, Day found himself subject to his greatest fear – of being seen as less than his truth, especially when by all accounts he had been a storied and admired athlete prior to his visual debilitation. Day was still the same person despite his loss of vision, and he was painfully reminded of this fact every time those around him forgot it. Last Twilight deftly showed us that his early snark and cynicism were a brittle defense against being seen as nothing more than an object of pity, the ghost of his former self (which is what Mee/Me in the novel Last Twilight was also about).

There are many examples of this, e.g., when he avoided his friends after blindness set in, and his meltdown at the party they threw him after a rapprochement (Ep.6 [3‌/4] 20.12, when it became clear they viewed him as a weakling in need of rescue at the first sign of trouble, inferior to his previous incarnation as an athletic champion). The story arc with August's feigned romantic interest was also another of Day's nightmares coming true, being exactly the sort of innocently insulting and unconsciously condescending treatment he was trying to avoid.

And of course this was the reason behind his break-up with Mhok in Episode 11, when he sensed that Mhok's care and concern were in part tied to a notion of Day as being less than whatever the nebulous concept of "normal" was in his head. (For context, Mhon and Day have an exchange about the meaning of a "normal" life for Day at Ep.10 [2/4] 7.35), Mhok talks about Day wanting to be "normal" at Ep.11 [1‌/4] 10.22, and Mhon reminds Day of his wish to be "normal" at Ep.12 [3‌/4] 16.29). Despite – or maybe because of – how objectionable the word may be, I think Last Twilight is inviting us to question our ideas about it too.)

So a large part of Day's story arc involved him overcoming his own hang-ups and dealing with how he was seen by the world around him, to stand in the light of his own truth (as a proud member of the differently abled community).

Mhok's character also had a parallel journey. Excluding those who knew him well, society refused to see beyond his rough-hewn persona (and his prison background too, it must be said). His options in life were thus limited by how he was always seen as an outsider, and subjected to othering because his presence was invariably associated with negativity, risk and harm.

But as Mhok demonstrated time and again, his truth (that for the longest time only Porjai and maybe Rung could seem to see) was far less violent and menacing than what was read by the people around him. And his character's journey toward self-actualization in Last Twilight was to arrive at a life truer to his inner self, noting that what we see at the beginning of the series is Mhok trying valiantly to live up to his ruffian image, prone to fights and aggression. With this, it's possible to read that Mhok himself was unable to comprehend fully his own inner impulses, and it was only his time as caregiver and later faen in Day's life that opened his eyes to living out his more nurturing, other-focused energy within (and that must have served him well too, in his later career as a chef crafting dishes for others to enjoy).

In contrast to Day, whose struggle was also about being seen for his truth while cast (by others) in a negative light, Mhok chose to align himself with whatever role the world put him in (whether it was a rabble-rouser mechanic, a straight boyfriend to Porjai, or a guardian to the infantilized Day) whereas Day chose to reject any outsider-determined identity outright. And Mhok failed at his roles mostly because they were inauthentic to his truth, except for his time as Day's caregiver. For the first time there Mhok's failure was different, not because the caregiving recognized his own truth (coming from kindness and softness within) but because it did not recognize Day's truth (as his approach to taking care of Day still perpetuated the invalidation of Day's wholeness as a person).

Mhok and Day's names are also a quiet hat tip to this – with Mhok's name (หมอก, that means fog or mist) also a metaphor for how visibility of the truth behind his amorphous self was obscured for the longest time, while Day's name (actually the English word day, with all its connotations of light and clarity) is a metaphor for how he was clear about his own truth and identity from the start, but needed to be seen correctly, undistorted by any filter of shame or pity.

However, GMMTV's commercial insistence on pair branding worked somewhat against the characterizations – my read is that Day was probably written as much more fragile in appearance (belying the tough athlete that he really was beyond surface impressions, and explaining the tendency of his friends, family and caregivers to want to infantilize him post-blindness). As an aside, badminton is one of those sports that forgives a certain delicacy of frame, as it rewards lightness and agility more than brute strength on the court. Meanwhile Mhok was (I think) written as this big beast of a man whose appearance would scare off all but the most foolhardy, meaning that his innate kindness and sensitivity would remain unseen by most.

Unfortunately Sea is built pretty sturdily as an actual badminton athlete (and he's tall as well) while dermatologist Jimmy is just too porcelain-skinned and delicate-featured pull off any convincing evocation of physical brutishness. Pity, because the pair do have chemistry and their acting was mostly credible in Last Twilight (especially from Sea, who brings an easy and natural charm to his portrayals).

Anyway, I can suss out two visual metaphors in the series that illustrate the ideas described above. But as the analysis of these metaphors is also long, I've moved it all away into its own post linked here: The Fishtank and the Flowers. I found both metaphors to be fascinating (the goldfish aquarium, as well as the pairing of the jasmine with the sunflower), but it was the blooms especially that took me by surprise (when it became clearer which was assigned to Mhok and which to Day). 🤩

So while we're on the characters though, here's an aside about the criticism of how Mhok was treated by the narrative and the outrage surrounding his apology at Ep.12 [2/4] 10.55. Yes, he had been a selfless caregiver and a caring lover, but there were also numerous examples of him treating Day as less than an adult with his own agency, doing to Day what August, Mhon and the replacement caregiver (Assistant Director Meng Chaiyapat's extended cameo, at Ep.10 [2/4] 0.27) had done, by controlling the playbook and removing Day's choice and say in matters directly related to his own life. Some examples of where Mhok fell short:

Pretending not to find the copy of Last Twilight in the Chatuchak secondhand bookstore, gaslighting Day into believing it was his own discovery (Ep.3 [3‌/4] 9.41) – you might lie to a kid about Santa Claus (and I'm divided about that), but nevertheless Day was not a kid and should not have been treated like one.

Lying about Night's involvement in their plan to see Mount Veha (Ep.8 [1‌/4] 17.34) – more gaslighting.

Going back on his word and telling Mhon and Night about Day winning the dancing garland (Ep.11 [4/4] 7.35) – this was just plain disrespectful, especially after Day had shared his mixed feelings about the "win" (Ep.11 [4/4] 1.45).

Taking advantage of Day's blindness to prank him (Ep.11 [3‌/4] 7.32 and Ep.11 [4/4] 3.38) – unless Day liked surprises (of which I see no sign) laughs derived from exploiting someone's vulnerabilities are never to be lauded (please don't jumpscare the blind, people).

And the ultimate – lying about the job offer in Hawaii, which was the last straw for Day (Ep.11 [4/4] 10.51).

All the above might have come from a place of love, motivated out of the goodness of Mhok's heart – but even if they were meant to uplift or support Day, his actions were all disrespectful (even damaging) to Day's own agency and personal situation as someone struggling with visual disability.

In this light (pun intended) I had to re-think my judgement of Mhok's apology to Day in Ep.12, because he did need to learn to care for Day on terms acceptable to Day as well, and not have expected him to give that up just because he needed care.

Now because it's Khun Noppharnach, it will always be possible to give a queer reading to his work. So Day's dread at being seen as less than what society perceives as "normal", and Mhok's struggle with his status as the feared and misunderstood "other", can both be read as stand-ins for (some parts of) the LGBTQ+ experience, where full acceptance of the queer minority has yet to become the norm for most, if not all, societies. But I guess that should be obvious to all by now.

Anyway, there's a whole lot more burbling within Last Twilight that can be explored at length, but as I've gone on too long already I'm simply going to mention them here and then skip on:

The novel Last Twilight that features so prominently everywhere within the series (that not-so-coincidentally shares its name) is rich with significance as a parallel to (and comment on) Mhok and Day's own story, especially with Mee/Me's struggle to be seen in a world often blind to her presence.

Day becoming increasingly unseen as the neverending night of blindness became his defining identity is mirrored by Mee/Me needing to step away from darkness in order to be seen by the world around her (and her light-chasing is also a parallel for the sun-seeking of the sunflower, Day's totemic bloom, and in that way another metaphor for Day's reliance on external validation – see this write-up linked here for more elaboration on that aspect of Day's personality).

Day's blindness was not at all the first time Khun Noppharnach has used a form of health-related affliction as a metaphor for the queer condition, highlighting the parallels of the LGBTQ+ experience with the social model of disability. Other examples of this in his work include Heart's deafness in Moonlight Chicken, Tian's and Med's heart conditions in A Tale of Thousand Stars and He's Coming to Me respectively (the latter maybe less so though) and Pran's obsessive-compulsive disorder in Bad Buddy.

Also in He's Coming to Me, Med's predicament as a ghost subject to all sorts of constraints in the world of the living, as well as his invisibility to those insensitive to his situation, was a parallel with Last Twilight's theme of being seen for your true self even as the wider world imposes restrictions on you, and is similarly an allegory for the LGBTQ+ experience as well.

Last Twilight's ideas about seeing and being seen correctly were also touched on (somewhat briefly) in Bad Buddy, in the discourse around Ink's camera, photography and Pat/Pa's contact lenses.

Mhok's journey was milestoned with numerous examples of the food = love trope, in which he could be seen giving of himself through the creation of dishes and meals for others.

(above) Last Twilight Ep.11 [2/4] 0.39 – Mhok's gift of Black Chicken Soup (ซุปไก่ดำมา) to Porjai is but one of many examples in the series of him showing his love to others through his cooking; in this instance Black Chicken Soup (made by double-boiling silkie chicken with medicinal herbs) is a traditional Chinese preparation, warm and comforting, that is considered particularly nourishing for moms newly post-partum and is also popular in Thailand for the same reason

This is paralleled also by Mhon and her career as a chef (especially when she ladled soup out for her ex-husband in Ep.12, which is a bittersweet Noppharnach touch with reams of cultural backstory – but that's fodder for another post though).

And Assistant Director Au Kornprom's cameo as chef-de-cuisine in Singha's hotel continues a meta-level portrayal of his role in BL as some sort of leader, instructor, teacher or creator with a select group as the intended beneficiaries of his work (see these links here and here for other examples).

(above) Assistant Director Au Kornprom Niyomsil pops up in a cameo as Chef Tom in Last Twilight Ep.11 [2/4] 9.47 

I think Director Aof is announcing that Khun Kornprom is his designated successor as the next generation BL director at GMMTV who will (perhaps) be carrying on a measure of queer activism within his own output.

And that brings me to what I think Last Twilight might be saying on a metatextual level.

What I'm going to be babbling on about here reaches not only into Last Twilight for some clues as to its comments about the wider BL industry, but also to some messaging in Khun Noppharnach's earlier (though still recent) work, because I think it all does come together to paint a picture of some significance.

In the names and chromatic metaphors of Moonlight Chicken (see this link here), Director Aof signaled that unseen persons in authority were increasingly making their political presence felt, especially where financial motivations were concerned (caveat: I think this is a reference to power play within GMMTV and perhaps the BL industry itself, not a comment on the wider political scene in Thailand).

And Director Aof's various cameos in MLC (written up here) as well as its themes of generational renewal and the struggles to leave the past behind, also seemed to be messaging that some of this conflict between artistic/activist directions and commercial considerations were possibly taking a personal toll even as he continued his career within the BL industry.

I would have left it at that, but then when the Our Skyy 2 x Bad Buddy x A Tale of Thousand Stars episodes had their turn on our screens in 2023, it became clear that Director Aof was saying something quite forcefully about the telling of queer stories in the media, especially in situations when queer people have less control over the narrative (as is the case with Y-series churned out by commercial studios for mass market consumption; see this write-up here for the analysis).

So based on the above together, this is my read of the situation.

Khun Noppharnach has been signaling that because of the profit motive, queer creators in the BL world are under increasing pressure from higher up to return to more commercially-lucrative storytelling, perhaps in the form of more stereotypical romances the way Last Twilight was structured. (Whether this pressure is from within the producing organization or from the wider political sphere I do not know nor wish to speculate.)

As a consequence, QL shows are being made to veer away from recounting stories that are authentic to the LGBTQ+ experience (which was the warning embedded in Our Skyy 2 x Bad Buddy x A Tale of Thousand Stars), dialing back content that speaks with a queer voice to queer people (though of course non-queers are welcome to watch along, because after all a good story is a good story).

If the above is true, then the tidal pull of commercial goals may soon be dragging more output back toward the more romanticized imaginings of same-sex love seen before in formulaic (but arguably more profitable) BLs of old, with an emphasis on catering to mass market demand (largely represented by – whether rightly or wrongly – marketing perceptions of the cishet female teen gaze).

And all of this circles back to Last Twilight, which is an example of this return to the past, and perhaps explains in part why its ending feels so unsatisfactory for a lot of us.

I'm very much convinced at this point that the finale (with its hated timeskip, Mhok's spiffed-up but stagey return, his emotionally hollow reconciliation with Day, and especially all the schmaltzy vignettes post-couplehood part deux) is but a conscious reaction to political gameplay from echelons above. For Last Twilight, I'm sensing (guessing?) that Director Aof and his team were coerced not just to stay faithful to the traditional formula of BLs past, but also to shove in an unmitigated Happily Ever After for the branded pair of JimmySea, without any of the hallmark Noppharnach countercurrents to undercut the sweetness (or else).

And perhaps in a burst of inspired-slash-malicious compliance, the team took on the mandate for the HEA and ran with it, churning out a saccharine, nutritionally-deficient lump of candy and unceremoniously tacking it on as the ending of what had otherwise been a fairly measured and self-aware BL from the start. And it really sticks out – but I think it was meant to.

I may be misreading the tea leaves again, but to me the signs of the above are myriad. Here's some of what I think Director Aof is telling us about Last Twilight's subversion of the ending, embedded within the narrative and visuals:

Master Aon's name is signaling (to me at least) a parallel with Director Aof's name (Aon/Aof, On/Off, Onscreen/Offscreen, get it? 😆). He even has a similar look, with his wispy mustache, earring and floppy hair.

Noting that Aon was a respected, good-natured guru who'd already trodden happily the path that Day was on, this reads like a rendering of Director Aof's own role (that I'm tempted to say is self-defined, though it's my own reading really) as a queer elder imparting the wisdom of his own experience to younger queer people viewing his work. (Also, both Aon and Aof are gurus of BL who've had their vision stolen from them.) And if Kruu Aon was recommending acolyte Day to read the novel Last Twilight for the metaphorical lessons within (we were reminded of this many times: see Ep.3 [2/4] 9.08, Ep.8 [4/4] 1.07 and Ep.9 [4/4] 9.26), I think Kruu Aof is recommending that we look at the series Last Twilight more closely as well to learn of something similar.

Last Twilight the series is full of references to endings. And if the novel Last Twilight has been signaled as the roadmap to Director Aof's thinking behind the series, the missing last page and epilogue in Day's copy suggests that – just like the book version – Last Twilight the series is actually (and deliberately) open-ended.

But the messaging doesn't just stop there. We are also called upon to manifest the ending we want (if what we're presented with doesn't meet our expectations). For example, Mhok hated the ending of Last Twilight the novel (although Day liked it –see Ep.9 [4/4] 13.23). And he then conflated this with his disappointment at the lackluster twilight on Mount Veha as well.

But through the power of imagination Day helped Mhok see the beauty of the sunset there (Ep.9 [4/4] 16.28) – on one level it's a trite "Life is what you make it" sort of statement, but on another it also reads like a call to action ("You can change what you don't like"). And I like to think it also embodies Last Twilight's theme of recalibrating your own way of seeing things, and looking beyond surface visuals to find the truth that speaks to you (which, in a sense, is what I'm doing now, hah!). But when applied to Last Twilight at a meta level – I think we're also being reminded that a picture-perfect ending (such as Last Twilight's Ep.12 [4/4]) can also hide the reality of gloomy clouds behind the artifice overlaid by human intervention.

Another sign that the ending of Last Twilight deserves a closer look is all the flapping about between innkeeper Cherry, Mhok and Day around the missing last page of Day's book in the Ep.9 [4/4] scene starting at timestamp 2.38.

(above) Last Twilight Ep.9 [4/4] 3.11 – Cherry tears out the last page of her copy of the novel and forces it on Mhok and Day

I'm putting in a detour for a closer look at Cherry here. She was the unsentimental custodian of her father's guesthouse, with a personality that blew hot and cold (like the weather in the south, referenced at Ep.9 [4/4] 2.12). The guesthouse seemed comfortable enough, although Mhok found it less than welcoming (Ep.9 [3‌/4] 6.39). And Cherry herself was also a strange mix of brusque and friendly. She was more concerned about cash than MhokDay's lack of shelter at Ep.9 [3‌/4] 7.36, but warmed up to them later when they explained their Mount Veha quest (allowing them to stay, treating them to a musical evening with her guitar, and accepting the payment deferral). She preferred the old way of doing things (cash only, no online transfers) and had once hosted David, the author of Last Twilight the novel, at the guesthouse.

Based on the above, I'm thinking that Cherry is a representation of Director Aof's dual role at GMMTV, where he is both a creative (director and sometime screenwriter) as well as part of management (senior director of content production, at time of writing). And in Last Twilight we see this duality acknowledged both in Cherry's mercurial double nature, as well as in the capricious weather of Songkhla. The guesthouse, on the other hand, is a representation of GMMTV itself. On the management side, Director Aof has to make and/or implement decisions on behalf of the company even though it isn't really his (just as Cherry runs what was once her dad's). GMMTV is warm and hospitable enough to the performers in its stable, but as a commercial enterprise it has to prioritize financials above most (if not all) other considerations (symbolized by the guesthouse's paradoxically comfy yet unwelcoming air, and also Cherry's indifference to MhokDay's cashless plight). Director Aof's creative focus is the arts (represented by Cherry's musical interlude) but GMMTV itself prefers the old ways of making money, i.e., old-style BLs (and this is symbolized by the guesthouse unwilling or unable to explore new ways of collecting rent with no online transfers). And just as the guesthouse hosted David, whose bittersweet ending to Last Twilight the novel wasn't satisfying to salt-of-the-earth Mhok (standing in for the tastes of the mass market), GMMTV also hosts under its roof Director Aof, the auteur behind Last Twilight the series (whose original ending I suspect may not have pleased other GMMTV bigwigs in management, and who then enforced a change). Some of this is illustrated in part by the scene just before Mhok and Day departed from the guesthouse. When Mhok and Day asked Cherry to keep her autographed copy of the novel, she instead tore out the (signed) ending from her book and thrust it into their hands. And when Day asked if it had a happy ending – she jokingly tried to grab it back, saying "Find the ending yourselves." To me this is a metaphor that the original ending of Last Twilight the series is actually unknown to us, and the ending we got was forced into the narrative from the outside (because it's what the fans want, according to GMMTV speaking in Cherry's voice at Ep.9 [4/4] 3.15 – "I think it's more important to you than me"). And it has official sanction too (symbolized by the author's signature), indicating that Director Aof (David in another incarnation) may not have had a choice (since we're shown that the author's stamp of approval was artificially inserted into a different book instead). It also suggests (in the "Find the ending yourselves") that Director Aof was aware of how that artificial transplantation was going to be negatively received by some diehard Noppharnach fans, and he's saying to us – "Take the ending that's been given you", but at the same time "Find your own meaning in it".

And then Day tells us in no uncertain terms basically the same message, at Ep.12 [4/4] 3.37 ("We were made to discover our own preferred version of the novel’s finale").

The narrative actually tells us quite boldly in the first part of Episode 12 that we can expect the finale to start unraveling because of outside interference – I actually think this is the message behind Director Aof's cameo at Ep.12 [1‌/4] 10.01:

Mocked up as a hotel porter, Director Aof offered a guiding hand to Day – but at timestamp 10.06 Mhok suddenly inserted himself into the scene in an act of direct supplantation:

(above) Last Twilight Ep.12 [1‌/4] 10.06 – Mhok steps in and supplants hotel porter Aof (he of the white gloves)

To me this was unambiguously signaling that from this point onward the proceedings would no longer be under the guiding hand of Khun Noppharnach. In addition, hotel porter Aof's gloved hands were pure white, unbesmirched and free from stain, conveying the message that Director Aof was innocent and blameless of the plot shenanigans that were to follow. To underscore the point, we were then shown Day taking a misstep under new (non-Aof) guidance at Ep.12 [1‌/4] 11.20:

(above) Last Twilight Ep.12 [1‌/4] 11.20 – Day stumbles without hotel porter Aof's guidance, even as Last Twilight the series begins to falter

This was jarringly out of tone, given Day's confidence in his life as a blind person, as well as Mhok's previous – and very conscientious – stint as caregiver to Day the first time around (he would instinctively stand between Day and any physical risk, and place a protective hand over protrusions that Day might bump his head on, for example). The message from this visually dissonant moment is that we should expect the ending to stumble as well, without Khun Noppharnach guiding the process.

So what can we make of the ending with this in mind? I can live with the timeskip, Mhok's return, and the eventual reunion of our main pair. These are all somewhat expected beats in a standard romance drama – and if that's what Last Twilight is setting itself up as, I won't begrudge it the tropey hallmarks that some do love (though I do think some parts could have been handled better). I even liked the airport run for all of its brash, silly sentimentality (yes, Love Actually is one of my favorite films).

But where I think Last Twilight really falls off a Veha cliff is when it starts lobbing at us a plethora of candy-sweet dreams unrealistically brought to life, one after another, in Ep.12 [4/4]. We have:

Ep.12 [4/4] 0.51 – Surprise! Day can see;

‌

Ep.12 [4/4] 1.18 – Multiple scenes showing Day rejoining the world of the sighted, enjoying activities that were once denied to him (like reading and badminton) both alone and in the company of loved ones;

‌

Ep.12 [4/4] 4.01 – Family time! Mhok introduces Day as his partner to his deceased family at their memorial niches, and then we see Mhok very much integrated into Day's family (signified by his pasta dish receiving chef Mhon's stamp of approval) even as we see Night and Porjai joyfully announcing another imminent addition to the numbers;

‌

Ep.12 [4/4] 8.06 – Mhok and Day get a Mount Veha do-over, talk about the novel's ending and then act out the ending to their own love story.

‌

It's all just too, too fairytale, with happy news piled atop happy news, and just reeks of artificial sap and fakery.

But that's just it – I think that Director Aof and team were actually faking it. Remembering that the novel Last Twilight's full title is Last Twilight: Until the Last Light Goes Out, take a look at how each of the above little snippets of happiness is finished off – each draws to a close with its own Fade-to-Black.

Now the Fade-to-Black is a device borrowed from theater – in a stage play snuffing the lights for a few minutes of total darkness allows scenes to acquire a sense of separation, completion and closure while giving the crew time to change the sets. But here in Last Twilight it feels like we're being pitched happy ending after unrelated happy ending, each competing with the previous in the too-good-to-be-true stakes.

In the title of the novel, we're told to hold on until the last light goes out. Just when is that last light exactly though? There are so many here that each Fade-to-Black begins to feel not just like closure, but like a little death each time. (Also pertinent to note: MhokDay's kiss under that glorious sunset at Ep.12 [4/4] 13.26 gets replaced by a sky of gray clouds instead at Ep.12 [4/4] 13.37.)

Director Aof is really hammering home his point that traditional Happily Ever Afters in romance stories can be shallow and unsatisfactory, and is making us miss the trademark melancholy that propped up the wistful sentimentality in the closing scenes of his previous works.

However, much of the above is what Last Twilight is saying about Last Twilight.

At the metatextual level, what the show is communicating about BLs as a whole is even more somber. I think Director Aof is messaging that for the BL industry to head toward a happy, satisfying ending (if it really is being pushed down to lowest common denominator levels by commercial interests), it's up to us the viewers to manifest that and make it happen (just as Mee/Me and Day did for their own stories). How this might be done, I do not know. Lobbying GMMTV perhaps? Complaining ever more loudly about what this did to Last Twilight when it could have been so much more?

I rather suspect that unfortunately our numbers may not be sufficient to bring about change – the majority of Last Twilight fans actually seemed to like the final wrap-up and its fairytale ending (at least based on the reviews I've seen on MyDramaList). It's only among the more adult (and dare I say it – discerning?) viewership here in the BL sphere on Tumblr are we seeing more robust critiques of the series, mourning the greatness that could have been.

Last Twilight was a good BL all the way up to Ep.12 I think. And then it looks like we were purposely let down, to make a point about BL endings. As always, Director Aof is having the last laugh – and he lets us know this during the end credits.

For it's then that we see the various photographs that were taken by characters throughout the series but never shown to us before (it's strangely moving, and makes me think of the ending to Cinema Paradiso when Salvatore finally gets to view the priest's cut in one long montage as a final gift from Alfredo beyond the grave).

(above) The end credits of Last Twilight, replaying the scenes where the characters were photographed, alongside the images captured in the moment that hitherto were not shown to us

It's in the ending that we're finally getting to see the director's point of view (and hidden message) from his vantage point behind the camera, just as we're only getting to see those photographs (that were originally unseen by their subjects, and privy only to the one taking the photograph) right at the very end.

And the final shot? We get the whole cast and crew making the "span" gesture (that an almost-sightless Day used to approximate the distance at which he could still make things out visually, before his vision left him totally).

It's a loving salute to Last Twilight for sure, but can we perhaps detect a hint of mockery in the way it also resembles the Forehead-L for Loser gesture from the 1990s? Or a hint of a threat in the way it looks like a gun cocked and pointing? The gesture is also Thai sign language for the letter ล, which is somewhat the equivalent of the letter 'L'. And with so many 'L's or 'ล's in that shot, it's making me think of 'LOLOLOL' and also ลล standing in for ล้อเล่น/laaw len, which means Just kidding.

Is it all just a coincidence? I wouldn't put it past Aof for it not to be. But whatever it all means, I really do think he's having a hearty (if somewhat bitter) last laugh. 😔💖

‌

[decks-writing-blog]

Emotional Support Gnome

Summary: Alyx helps transport the gnome.

[A/N] In my recently completed play through of the HL2 Ep 2 VR mod I found the gnome (I didn't in my play through of the normal game) so I decided to get the achievement. It was fun until I reached the car but then it got better when I figured out how to glitch the gnome into being much more secure in the car. Also, I didn't know you could leave the gnome behind when going off with the Vortigaunt to get the stuff to save Alyx (I only know now because I looked up tips for the car bit which only kind of helped and skimmed through and found that tidbit of info) and thus because of the way climbing ladders works in the VR mod, getting it out of the pit that you fall into in that part of the game was a bit of a pain but I managed. While I was there I came up with the idea to write a fic about Gordon transporting the gnome in which Alyx and the Vortigaunt helps him with said gnome because that's a neat idea. It provides some nice championship opportunities which Gordon desperately needs.

Also, Lamarr gets dragged out of the rocket because I'm sad she gets sent to space. I love her with all my heart and soul and want her to live. Gordon probably doesn't like her but Kleiner is his pal so he saves her for him.

~

After hanging up the call, Alyx turned to face Gordon again. Whatever she’d been about to say vanished from her mind at the sight of him though. “Is that a garden gnome?” She’d seen garden gnomes before so it wasn’t that out there but turning around to see him of all people randomly holding one made it a bit more strange.

He looked up at her for just a moment before turning his gaze back onto the gnome in his hands. Taking one hand off, he lifted it to sign a, “Yes.”

“Where’d you find it?” She would’ve noticed it if it were out in the open. It was fairly big and even with the faded paint, it was eye catching.

Gordon pointed to old rickety bed frame, angled down a bit. So under the bed. An odd place to find a garden gnome since one would think they mostly resided in gardens but with how messed up the world was why wouldn’t one somehow end up under a bed?

She almost stepped over and bent down to see if there was anything else interesting under there but… they had important stuff to do and the Combine were who even knew how close to finding them? They didn’t have time to goof off and look for hidden lawn decorations. “Uh, okay. We should probably get going.”

Switching his hold on the gnome to one armed hugging it to his chest, with it faced outwards, Gordon started for the door. Apparently the gnome was coming with them. With a shrug, Alyx followed. Who was she to question Gordon Freeman? Maybe he just liked gnomes. They were kind of cute after all.

And even if the situation was rather urgent it was good to see a less serious side of him finally. Before all this she’d have never thought she’d meet someone as cool and badass as the Gordon Freeman. But now they were somehow good enough friends for him to relax around her a little. How cool was that?

***

The fall shouldn’t have killed the Freeman. He’d survived much worse many times. And if his time were to ever come it wouldn’t be at the bottom of a pit. But still he was taking an awful long time to come back up. Time they did have – the others could keep the Alyx Vance stable for days if need be –but it wouldn’t be wise to push it if they could help it, especially with the Combine on the hunt for the Freeman and the Alyx Vance. … Perhaps the ladder didn’t descend all the way down and thus he needed assistance.

Abandoning the watch for antlions – none seemed likely to be coming anyway – they made their way over the edge to look down over it. … The ladder did seem to descend all the way to the watery bottom so that wasn’t the issue. Instead it was the little statue the Freeman had been carrying since they’d met up. He held it to his chest with one arm, twisting his wrist so he could grasp the ladder, allowing him to let go with the other and raise it to a higher rung. Not much higher though, too far and he’d likely loose his precarious grip on the statue. As a result, his progress was slow, he wasn’t even halfway up yet.

“Do you require assistance, Freeman?” They were not going to ask him to drop it. It was clearly important even if its purpose was beyond their comprehension.

The Freeman flinched at their raised voice, freezing in place. He then tilted his head to look up at them. But alas with his hands busy and his voice seemingly nonexistent, he had no means of giving an answer. Oh, if only he could connect to the Vortessence, eliminating the need for such paltry forms of communication.

“I will lower down a rope with a loop for your statue.” The least they could do for the Freeman was assist him in what was clearly an important endeavor.

Finding a rope long enough was surprisingly easy. Upon tying a loop at the end of it big enough to allow the statue to fit – all the Freeman would have to do was tighten it to prevent the statue from falling out – they lowered it over the edge. The Freeman had made it up a little further but not by much. Ever intelligent and dexterous, he managed to get the statue into the loop and tighten it while remaining on the ladder.

As he started climbing properly now, they slowly pulled the statue up, careful not to bump it against the wall. As a result, the Freeman reached the top a few seconds before the statue did. He stood by as they finished pulling it up to hand to him.

Before accepting it, he lifted his hands to sign, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” For humans repeating something meant emphasis, meaning this was quite an important statue indeed.

“We are glad to be of service. Now let us continue.”

***

There were not one but two giant fucking antlions. Did the deterrents work on them too? … Hopefully because Alyx was about to find out the hard way as the pain radiating up from the freshly healed wound in her back and abdomen made the prospect of continuing forward into the fray proper a very unappealing one. Lucky for her she had a vortigaunt and Gordon on her side.

Speaking of Gordon, he turned to her, his gaze intent. Checking on her? … No, to shove the gnome into her arms, giving her almost no option but to accept it. He then immediately turned away, pulling his shotgun off where it was magnetized to his HEV suit as he rushed towards the antlion guardians.

“What am I suppose to do with this?” She called after him.

He didn’t even turn back to look at her.

“One would assume he wishes you to keep it safe while we deal with the antlions,” the vortigaunt said as he blasted one of the braver antlions that had dared to approach a bit closer than the others.

Damn it. She wasn’t good for much else in her current state so she’d been put on gnome guard duty. “Fine, whatever.” Only because Gordon had asked her to though. At least she wasn’t completely useless; she could keep a garden decoration intact, no problem.

~

After the battle, Gordon returned to her. “You okay?”

“As okay as I can be.” She was still weaker than she’d like and would’ve appreciated a chance to sit down but they didn’t have the time to so no use complaining. “I kept your gnome safe too. See? Completely intact.”

“Thank you.”

“Can I ask what’s the deal with it though? I mean like… no judgment of course just… it’s a bit odd. Not that that’s a bad thing, nothing wrong with being odd, some people think I’m a bit odd and that’s fine. But like… you know.” She was messing this up real bad. Way to go her. “There’s a lot going on and it’s a bit much to carry around and stuff.” She’d have assumed he would’ve left is somewhere as soon as carrying it became inconvenient.

Gordon lifted his hands as if to answer but held them there for several seconds before finally doing so. “I don’t know.” He then took the gnome from her with the gravity gun before turning away and continuing.

“Wait. What do you mean you don’t know?”

He didn’t turn to respond. Odd as the gnome was, that answer was even odder. How could he not know why he was carrying around a gnome even despite all the problems keeping it intact was already causing? He was running around without a proper weapon out for Pete’s sake, there had to be a reason for that. But… they didn’t have time to sit around and talk about it. So with a sigh, she set into a light jog, about as fast as she could make herself go currently, to catch up.

~

Well if Gordon was wondering off into a toxic filled pit while Alyx was stuck up here… “You want me to keep the gnome safe for you?” The amount of times it had almost taken damage had seemed to cause him some distress. Not that he was easy to read, especially when he had the HEV suit’s helmet up, but he had looked the gnome over rather closely every time something almost happened to it.

He turned to face her, the gnome held by the gravity gun in his hands. Seemingly he thought about it for several seconds before nodding and lifting it up for her to take.

“I promise I’ll take good care of it.”

He lifted a hand to sign a quick, “Thank you,” before turning and heading through.

After closing the door behind him, she turned to the vortigaunt. Some of them came up with names for themselves that humans could pronounce, some didn’t. She’d have loved to have a name for this one after everything they’d done for her. Would it be rude to ask for one? … Possibly so for now she wouldn’t. Instead… “What do you think might be Gordon’s deal with this gnome?”

“It is clearly of great importance.”

“Well yeah, but why?”

“It is not my place to question the Freeman and what is important to him or why. Besides, you are both human. I feel your ability to understand him far exceeds mine.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s fair.” Understanding other people was never something she’d been particularly good at either though. She’d spent too much of her time growing up working in the lab to waste time getting good at interacting with people. “It’s just… at fist I thought it was for fun. Like it was something that was silly and not a big deal. That he thinks it’s cute or something so he wanted to carry it with him for a bit. But now I’m not so sure. And I’m not sure why but it just feels really weird. Like maybe it’s… not necessarily a bad thing but uh… like I should be worried about it or something.”

“Ask him when he returns?”

She could and maybe even should but… “We don’t really have time to stand around talking about stuff.” And she wouldn’t at all know how to ask without it perhaps sounding like she was suggesting he abandon the gnome which would be rather rude. “And it might be nothing, just him being a little weird. Which I think he’s earned the right to after everything he’s done for humanity.” She hadn’t thought about it before but he’d had an awful lot of weight resting on his shoulders for a while now. Even if he could bear it well and had so far fulfilled those expectations, it was probably still stressful. So why shouldn’t he be entitled to a little weirdness and an emotional support gnome?

~

Naturally, when climbing into the car with Gordon at the wheel, the gnome ended up in Alyx’s lap. She was quickly becoming just as much this thing’s protector as Gordon himself was. That was fine though. Even if it was a bit inconvenient at times, it was the least she could do. It still struck her as vaguely worrying but… probably it was just stress from the whole almost dying thing and the Combine being after them. Gordon was just a bit weird, she could respect that and it was rather charming.

~

Despite Gordon having been the one to almost end up as the Advisor’s meal – or whatever it had planned to do to him with its long tentacle tongue thing – he was the one helping Alyx to her feet. He had the HEV suit, yeah, but still.

“You okay?” he asked, his hands moving fast enough that she’d doubt she’d have been able to read it if it had been signs she wasn’t as familiar with.

“Yeah, I think so. What about…” She cut off as he turned and hurried away. Had he heard more Combine coming or… no, he was looking for the gnome. Which did at least mean he was probably okay… physically at least.

It didn’t take him long to find it. The bit of its hat that had been chipped off at the tip was a bit more pronounced now, the whole tip had broken off, noticeable even from over here. Gordon rubbed his thumb over it as he stared it.

“It’s mostly intact,” Alyx said as she joined him. “It’s got a flat tip now so uh… we could maybe paint over it later and it’ll look fine.”

He looked up at her for a moment, his face utterly unreadable, before looking down at it again. What he might be feeling was impossible for her to even guess but it couldn’t be good, could it? The gnome wasn’t just a silly fun thing if he’d been that worried about it. Before she could ask him about why it was so important to him though, a familiar thud of boots came from uncomfortably close to the room they were in, coming their way. “Combine.”

Gordon turned and quickly found a hiding spot for the gnome, turning back around just in time for said Combine soldiers to burst through the door.

~

A clatter and a familiar headcrab call drew Alyx’s gaze up to the rocket. Gordon was at the hatch, pulling Lamarr out of it. She wasn’t going easy but fighting and struggling the whole way. To no avail though, Gordon was far stronger than her, forcing her out without seemingly much effort at all. Then, holding her to his chest, he jumped down over the railing, landing with a clank that betrayed how heavy the HEV suit was. He then made his way back over to them and extend Lamarr towards Dad, clearly wanting him to take her as she squirmed and shrieked as loud as she could. Which was just loud enough to be annoying.

“Get that thing out of here or make it shut up,” Magnusson called from over by the control panel.

Dad let out a long suffering sigh as he accepted Lamarr from Gordon. She didn’t like to be held by him either but did calm down a little bit. “I suppose I’ll get her out of her before Manugsson gets any more insistent about it. I’ll finish catching up with you two later, okay?”

“Sure thing, catch up with you more in a bit.” Alyx might’ve gone with him but her curiosity about what Gordon was up to as immediately upon his hands being freed of Lamarr he’d turned head back up to the hatch again, was too strong. So as Dad left for the elevator, she followed Gordon.

There being only room up there for one she couldn’t follow him up it and thus couldn’t see what he did as he reached into the hatch. “What are you doing up there?” Was he doing some kind of super smart fix the others hadn’t caught? … Probably not. Likely he was just fixing whatever Lamarr had disturbed.

Either way he didn’t reply as he pulled back and shut the hatch before jumping down again, once more not bothering to take the safer way down. Hopefully once it came time for him to take the suit off, he’d remember to not do that anymore. For now though, she wouldn’t say anything as he sat on the railing surrounding the rocket. Instead…

“Where’s the gnome?” She looked around but… it was nowhere in sight. Gordon had brought it in as always and of course he’d had to have to put it down to grab Lamarr. But he should’ve picked it up again immediately like he’d been doing. Of course they were in a safe space now so maybe he was more okay with not holding it as much as possible but it still had to be nearby, right?

As she looked back at him for an answer, he pointed up towards the top of the platform by the rocket’s hatch. The gnome wasn’t up there though so… “In the rocket?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, uh… why?” That was the least safe spot for it around here.

He lifted hand hands and held them there for several second before replying. “I’m sending it to space. It’ll break if I keep carrying it around.”

Finally he was leaving it, making things easier for both of them. But… “Why don’t you just leave it here? I’m sure Dad would gladly keep it safe for you.”

Another long hesitation before Gordon answered. “I need to cut ties. It’s not a person so I need to stop and get rid of it but I don’t want to throw it a way or break it. Sending it to space feels right.”

Alyx’s hunch that the gnome had long ago ceased being a small fun thing was right. Whether it was a sign of something she should be worried about was still unclear. She leaned back against the wall as she lifted her hands to sign back. It meant she spoke a bit slower as she was still better at reading sign language than forming her own sentences in it but Magnusson was still on the other side of the rocket and if they finally had some time to talk, she wanted to do it without him overhearing if she could help it. “It’s okay to care about objects. Nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I know but… this isn’t that. It’s not normal. I need to stop.”

So… it was something to be worried about? Gordon certainly seemed to be implying it was but he was just so hard to read. His face was impassive and his hands as he signed weren’t particularly expressive. … He looked tired. She was too. Everyone was, right? Who couldn’t be tired when all of this was happening? They were getting closer and closer to freeing themselves of the Combine and that was great but as far as they’d come, there was still a lot to do. But he’d done the most out of any of them and was likely to do even more. And he was only human.

Everyone put him up on a pedestal, expecting so much of him. Even she had, how could she not after growing up hearing the ways people talked about him? After seeing from a distance the things he’d done that seemed almost inhuman? But the more time she spent with the more obvious it became that he was just guy like the rest of them. Smart and strong and blessed with a seeming endless supply of luck but still just a man. One who’d been through a lot. After the Black Mesa incident he’d been put into stasis and dropped into all of what was happening now.

“Are you okay?” How had she never thought to ask that before? She’d always assumed that he was despite how obvious it was was in hindsight that he might not be.

He lifted a hand but paused for a few moments before forming it into a, “No.” Sighing, he lowered it again, offering no further explanation.

Alyx pushed off the wall and walked over to stand next to him. “I’m sorry,” she whispered because she didn’t know what else to say. Putting a hand on his shoulder, the HEV suit’s metal was surprisingly somewhat warm, probably because of the power running through it. “Do you… wanna go find a place to sit down and rest a bit? We don’t have to talk about it or… anything if you don’t want to. But I think you’ve earned a rest.”

For the first time perhaps ever, certainly since she’d met him, his mask cracked, revealing the same kind of look a dying man gave a potential savior. “Please.”

Keeping her hand on his shoulder, offering whatever little comfort it could give when he probably couldn’t even feel it, she started guiding him back towards the elevator. Before they were even halfway there though, alarms started blaring as lights flashed, making both of them flinch.

Magnusson cursed, damn he was still here. “Gosh dang it. Gordon, since you’re still here, go make yourself useful and deal with that. It’s probably just crows again but maybe you can use your smarts to figure out how to make it stop going off all the time.”

Gordon’s face hardened once more as he pulled his crowbar off his chest and turned to obey. Alyx wanted to protest, insist he deserved a rest, let someone else handle it for once. But if it wasn’t a false alarm, he was still the best man for the job. It wasn’t fair but… life wasn’t fair.

~

[A/N] I imagine the way Alyx interacts with him following this is a bit different but ultimately the events would play out the same and this is about the gnome so I decided to leave it here.

[kolbisneat]

MONTHLY MEDIA: March 2024

……….FILM……….

Dune: Part Two (2024) Every piece of technology felt and looked so tangible. The baby worm too! Love the tactile nature of this whole production and I hope studios take note that CG can't be the only tool in your belt. So much bigger than I imagined and just enjoyed the whole thing.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008) Ages surprisingly well and a script that lets the main quartet be both funny and layered.

……….TELEVISION……….

Columbo (1.01 to 1.03) Hey I'm starting Columbo! Love that each episode is feature-length and Columbo appears fully formed right out of the gate. The sets and costumes are all so glamorous and L.A. Very excited to keep going.

Succession (2.05 to 3.04) The Kendall play at the end of season 2 felt very much like the Kendall play at the end of season 1 and while I'm still a huge fan of this series, I just hope it's not the same going into season 3 and 4.

Delicious in Dungeon (Episode 1.09 to 1.13) Great adaptation that isn't just a straight recreation of the artwork in the manga. The more kinetic/frantic moments in the animation are a nice departure and while they don't pop up in each episode, now that I'm 13 eps deep I can appreciate how they're sprinkled throughout.

Love is Blind (Episode 6.02 to 6.13) It still amazes me that anyone goes on reality tv.

……….YOUTUBE……….

Twilight | ContraPoints by ContraPoints Yes I did watch a nearly 3-hour essay on Twilight, sexual expression, and all that comes with that. And you should too. VIDEO

Instagram fatigue and the rise of 'Resentment Reels' by Taylor Lorenz While I haven't noticed this specific phenomenon, I have noticed Instagram declining as an app (both as a user trying to see anything other than ads, and a creator trying to get my work seen in between those ads). It's a bummer. VIDEO

Saltburn: The Tumblr-ification of Cinema by Broey Deschanel Every since I saw Saltburn, I've been thinking about what wasn't quite sitting right with me. This unlocked a lot of what I couldn't describe and most of it stems from the writer/director's upper class upbringing. Saltburn isn't a "take down the rich" movie, it's a horror story from the perspective of a wealthy family. VIDEO

Why Is It So Hard To Cross The Street? (& What You Can Do To Help) by Strong Towns Accidents where drivers hit a pedestrian are going up in my area so this really hit home. And for those feeling like there's nothing you can do at ground level, consider taking their course (not a paid sponsorship I'm just in real support of community-lead initiatives). VIDEO

……….READING……….

Elric of Melniboné by Michael Moorcock (Complete) After picking up the last book in this series (which I've yet to read) I figured I'd start at the beginning. Love the fast pace pulpy action and I can see how this influenced the creation of D&D.

The Man in the Brown Suit by Agatha Christie (Complete) This one would lose me for stretches but the final quarter of the book is stronger. A lot less cozy and a lot more action than I was expecting but skimming other reviews it sounds like this was written during her more...adventure-focused era. Three books deep and I have to give Christie credit that each has been a completely different experience.

Adventures of a Japanese Business Man by Jose Domingo (Complete) Always love going back to this nearly wordless epic that follows the titular Japanese business man. I love the complexity of the earliest panels and wish that could carry throughout more of the book, but it's always such a treat to discover just where each new panel will go.

Delicious in Dungeon Volume 5 by Ryoko Kui (Complete) Enjoying rereading this with shorter breaks between volumes as I certainly missed/forgot details on my first read. It's here that the story and tone shifts from light romp to a more dramatic and dangerous affair but it never loses its spot-on humour. Love those dryad pumpkins.

Ultimate Spider-Man HC Volume 11 by Brian Michael Bendis, Stuart Immonen, David Lafuente, and more (Complete) Going from some of my other comics back to this, I'm struck by just how wordy it can get. Now knowing where the story goes, it was a great idea to prime readers to the idea of Peter Parker dying even if it's not from this event.

……….AUDIO……….

Blank Check with Griffin & David (Podcast) Late to the game on this but really enjoying burning through their back catalog. Obviously started with their episode on Speed Racer as it's a near perfect film that you should watch right now.

……….GAMING……….

Oz: A Fantasy Role-Playing Setting (Andrews McMeel Publishing) The Tuesday group just killed a mayor! So the aftermath of that is going to play out over the next couple of sessions. And the Mof1 crew is investigating the aftermath of their own district-wide catastrophe and it's all looking rather suspicious!

Spot It (Blue Orange Games) I can't recommend this game enough. It's so easy to learn, rounds last maybe 5 minutes, it plays well with small or large groups of any age, and all it requires is pattern recognition and quick reflexes. Every time I've played this someone says they're going to buy a copy for themselves.

And that's it. See you in April!

[crossnamara]

episode fifteennnnn — i hate caves i hate caves i hateee caves. i'm not claustrophobic it's specifically caves. ughhh. — cave diving..... there doesn't even need to be any paranormal stuff happening this is already terrifying enough — okay this is the one that like. actually got me scared oof — i wonder what happened in the cave.. honestly just sounds like there's something wrong with laura's head. i mean, she didn't even get the permit, contrary to what she claims, so whatever happened must have started outside the cave, which just leads me to believe she had some sort of. malady of the mind. i don't believe for a second something else could've happened. (i know i'm definitely wrong cause this is the. supernatural horror podcast. but. yeahhh no i don't buy it, miss popham.)

okay so uh. i opened the transcript of the next ep and looked at the cw and it looks like it was specifically designed to torture me (worms. maggots. spiders. infestation. no thanks i'd like to be able to sleep tonight 👍) so i don't think it's a good idea for me to listen to it. i might skim read the transcript later,,, if you could maybe. give me a brief synopsis that would be really helpful /nf

i vividly remember listening to that one in the corner of my math class and shaking. good times<33 honestly i kinda dont know wtf happened with ehr

yeah ofc!!!!!! though i think there arent really any worms and maggots in this one? but they are. brought up a lot in season 1. i think the biggest warnings for those besides six are 22, 26, and 32. oh also 39 and kinda 40 but those arent statements. basically. guy is haunted by a ghost spider and then his body is found covered in webs. ill give a more detailed description under the cut in case you actually want to look over any of it, bc jonnys writing is so much better than my tired ramblings. but completely up to you<333

so this guy, he has a fear of spiders. can look at them fine, but cant stand to be near one. he got an apartment and a cat to hunt the spiders. and things were okay for a while, but then this giant spider showed up one day in his kitchen. what he normally did was leave the cat (major tom) in the room with the spider and leave, and this time was no different. after about an hour when he went to check on it, the spider was still there. so he .stood there for like an hour then threw a mug of cold coffee at it. but the spider was definitely dead

about a week later it showed up again, on his tv. the same spider. he called for major tom but he didnt repond. he kicked the tv. completely destroyed it but it got rid of the spider.

he stopped going to work. two weeks later its above his bed. and thats where he recognized it. the source of his phobia.

he accidently broke up a spider egg sack as a child, and killed the spider that laid them. the baby spiders got everywhere, but the spider was the exact same one that had been tormenting him

but. major tom moved in with the neighbors. hes okay

now post statement bc its realllyyyyyyyyy important its very important

his body was found completely covered in webs, and “foreign organic material” blocking his throat

jon sent martin to go investigate the apartment

[respectthepetty]

Bed Friend Ep. 6 - Asks & Answers

I got a good number of asks about this episode AFTER I said last week that I was going to stop writing about the colors in it, so thank you gentle people for making me a LIAR! @negrowhat, @slayerkitty, @sliceduplife, @akkrosu, @wen-kexing-apologist. You already know it's going to be long, so skim for your tag in the post.

Thoughts Before I Begin:

Not only did Uea move his head like a cat, he kept his hands in a paw position (didn't open them), so someone on that set did their homework about pet play.

King is still the best boy BUT a flaw is beginning to surface.

King doesn't push the conversation with Uea in the stairway because he respects the boundaries Uea has put in place. King might toe the line occasionally, but during that conversation, he never retorts. He keeps making different suggestions (a beach trip this weekend, spending the night at his house, staying late for Uea), but he never forces the conversation. He reads that Uea is putting in place hard no's, so, as much as I wanted him to argue back, King wouldn't because he is the BEST BOY.

But his flaw, which continues to show up, is jealously. He has shown it with Gun and el gringo at the beach, and admitted to it in the past, but last week, he accused Uea of being around Krit intentionally, and next week, we see him do it again. I doubt this would happen if Uea and King were in an actual relationship. King knows Uea is attractive and he likes that, but not being able to publicly claim Uea as is (not possession nor ownership, but an understanding of their commitment to each other) is making King lash out in ways I don't think he normally would since these outbursts are becoming more heated.

Now to the COLORS:

*I'm not writing about Krit wearing pops of blue because he is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust him. He is a fugly slut.

Group Assignment

I've mentioned that group color coding is purposeful. This show has told us the office does this to align to the day's color, and I've noted that we should also focus on the person who doesn't cooperate with the color coding, which has been King, and he has been called out for it.

The group's colors this episode were black and white. On the first day, King is wearing black, the color he is known for (and that drives me crazy). The second day, he wears blue, which is odd since previously he was called out for wearing black when he should have worn blue. Black is his default color, so why not wear it like any other day? He is out of alignment, while Uea aligns both day. *put a pin in it*

Uea

@sparklyeyedhimbo posted Uea's outfits from episode six, and mentioned Uea becoming more muted in his color (red) as the episode progressed. Let me add to this - Most of Uea's outfits have pearl accessories. Pearls symbolize enlightenment and protection because the precious gem is enclosed by a hard shell that has to be pried open and it's unknown if the shell has a gem inside until it's opened. *This has not happened before in the show. I did my research.

Episode six starts where episode five ended, with Uea in red and King in blue.

They have amazing pet play-themed sex, which pushes King to almost put a ring on it the next day, but he hesitates instead offering a beach trip since Uea mentioned loving the beach on the office trip. And just like that, @slayerkitty, Uea is in King's blue, trying to make Purple Pair happen (the lines on the sweater).

But after King dashes Uea's hopes, Uea attempts to get back to his color, yet is struggling and lands on a pink-ish sweater.

However, he ends the episode in blue. Jade is wearing tan. King is wearing black (don't worry, I'm getting to him). Gun seems to be wearing gray. This is a choose-your-own-adventure day, yet Uea decided blue was his adventure, and it's King.

Uea is planning to resign. Remember, King told him this was something he could do before they spoke about the beach trip. Uea is taking King's advice as he is realizing his feelings for King. Next week, we see him in a muted red shirt arguing with King. Then, he shows up in black, white, and yellow (that fake happiness!) to his childhood home.

Uea is struggling to get back to his red because his feelings and color now belong to someone else...

King

To my great annoyance, King wears black, often, yet this episode, he Missy Elliot-ed his wardrobe and flipped it and reversed it. He began the episode in the blue, and (unknowingly) participated in a group color day in black, but got right back to the blue. King is trying to prove that he can be the loyal and stable Blue Boy that Uea needs and his choice in color reinforces that. But he fucks up, @negrowhat.

As I mentioned in my stray thoughts, King doesn't push Uea because he is cautious and respects Uea, but Uea will place barriers and boundaries any time he feels out of control. King has been working hard to get Uea to open up so he can see the pearl inside, but Uea is always ready to clam back up. *pun intended*

King, in his blue, wants to be loyal to Uea, but Uea can't bring himself to breach this topic. King tried talking to Uea directly in the restaurant and indirectly in the office about the date his mom arranged, but Uea, both times, avoided the conversation. Uea continues to lose his color the more he gets lost in his feelings, but a barrier comes up between them (the window's mullion seen above).

And although the door is still open (literally and figuratively), the barrier gets bigger as a wall now separates them. @wen-kexing-apologist mentioned that glass is usually seen surrounding Uea when he struggles to hide his emotions, which is why Uea needs solid barriers between them to hide his feelings.

I've written about reflections showing truth because mirrors (and glass) represent transparency of emotions which causes, as Ron Burgundy would scream, Uea to be in "a glass case of emotions" when he can't hide behind a wall (literally and figuratively).

But King doesn't want Uea to hide, so he tries to make it right with Uea, to the point that he video calls Uea while his mom is still in his house! (This man is wild!) King has only worn Uea's red once before on the office beach trip, but here, red has a grip on King's throat with a red pillow standing in for where he wishes Uea was - right by his side.

Yet Uea is having none of it, and shuts King down as soon as he hears King's mom leaving King strangled by the red with his blue showing through the curtain (as mentioned by @akkrosu). King is trying to shine his blue light for Uea, but is being shut out. So he tries again.

The next day at work, it's a black-and-white group color day, which King would normally unknowingly ace, but King being on his say-no-to-group-projects-because-King-is-a-free-elf agenda wears BLUE.

He tries again to talk to Uea to prove his loyalty and to get Uea to notice his blue shirt made out of the finest boyfriend material, but as my nice bread crumbs throughout this post have outlined, Uea is throwing barriers, clamming up, and trying to get off the glass (case of emotions). Uea won't even look at King.

When he does, the window barrier is back in place separating their spaces.

A barrier of light pops up. Uea stays in the light (remember, he is afraid of the dark), and King, normally in black is dark. King doesn't cross any of the boundaries, because HE NEVER DOES. That's the downfall of this Best Boy.

Uea is the one to walk past the boundaries he has placed during the discussion, so he can go back to work, but he lingers giving time for King to reach out, but once again, King would never cross a line that Uea has drawn, mostly when Uea has stated in black-and-white (figuratively and literally; he is wearing black and white as pointed out by @sliceduplife because he doesn't want to stick out from the group) the consequences of such a transgression.

Blue Boy Bullshit

I wrote I wouldn't mention Krit, but y'all have already proven I'm a liar when it comes to not writing about the colors. But I only have one observation to scream, and it's more about King -

King better pick up that blue a lot more after next week, because he cannot be in the same black boat as these two bastards.

[zeno-zero]

A honest review of The Reckoning Of Roku.

Spoilers! Beware!!

While I do have complaints and deemed some of the changes uncanon because it doesn't fit at all in the narrative of "The Avatar and The Fire Lord (S3, EP 6)" and definitely had a hard time comprehending with the changes in Bendings, I actually did had an enjoyable reading experience.

Sure, Randy Ribay's writing has an odd pace and I get lost in the novel sometimes mainly because one, I forget things easily and two, I genuinely don't understand wtf is going on most of the time due to how I accidentally skimmed through it to which I'm sincerely sorry for. I will definitely re-read it sooner or later.

But my gosh, this book actually deserves some at least a chance to give a try in reading. I was actually skeptical about it at first because I only knew some leaks and the retcons actually made me frustrated to the point I just didn't wanna hear any about it anymore. If it weren't for one of my closest friends that brings a shining light upon the book that changed my perspective as a whole, which piques my interest and my curiosity growing bigger and bigger - I wouldn't even be making this! This book definitely deserve the praise on some areas that should be known for while also needing some criticisms.

I liked some of the cast [kinda], the world-building and the expansion is great! But what I really love the most is there are definitely some Filipino culture being influenced into the story instead of being simply being brushed aside (which isn't really a suprise! Randy Ribay is a Filipino author after all.)

Gyatso and Roku's arc compliment with each other so well, and the intimacy between the two of them is really sweet that it made me teary-eyed. It's a rough patch at the start that turned into such a wonderful, lovely friendship that really impacted Roku as a whole during his adulthood. Though expected yet endearing, it really explains why Roku's ideology and philopshy is similar to an Air Nomad. Yet, in a desperate and cling to life situations, that ideology and philopshy also have to be let go (Gyatso.)

AND I do know the whole plot happened because of Sozin, but I'm so pissed at him before he had done so diabolical that I literally had my hand over my head - stressed and hurt. I just.. genuinely hate it when Roku's perspective shifted to Sozin despite the circumstances that has given to Roku is so much more important to whatever Sozin is doing right now, but I understand that it's supposed to keep us tensed and it is to want us to delve deeper into the story. But oh my gosh I kept wishing Sozin just explodes so Roku can be much more focused!! His name is in the title!!! This isn't the "The Significance of Sozin" 💔

Ta Min being so much more than Roku's wife and actually has two professions, her insightfulness is interesting as well as Ta Min taking a liking on a boyfailure of an Avatar a.k.a Roku. While I do wish we could've seen more about it, especially in their adulthood where it will definitely feel more established. But it is still nice either way! <3 Ugh, I love Ra Min (along with Gyatku..)

There is so much to talk about it and I still have mutiple opinions that is packaged with issues.. and overwhelmed feelings... and lots of headcanons - but this is my first time reading an actual book from of the Avatar Studios, and oh boy, it's awesome!

[polniaczek]

What are some episodes of The Facts of Life that give off the most gayest vibes to you?

Well you have your gay episodes aka episodes where they seemingly have no self-awareness and all their focus is on each other, and then you have your episodes where gay things happen but are otherwise typical.

I've skimmed the titles to make a list but if I miss any it's because I haven't actually watched them in a while.

Gay Episodes

S2 The New Girl

S2 Double Standard

S2 Teenage Marriage

S3 The Four Musketeers

S3 New York, New York

S4 Ain't Miss Beholden

S4 Magnificent Obsession

S5 I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can

S6 Dear Apple

S6 The Last Drive-In

S6 Sisters. Don't judge me, it just is.

S7 3, 2, 1

S7 The Apartment

S8 Another Room

S8 This Is Only a Test

S8 Rights of Passage

S8 Rights of Passage Too. That hug kills me.

Episodes Where Gay Things Happen

S2 Free Spirit. It's just a look but I swear to god you'll know it when you see it.

S3 Kids Can Be Cruel. Jo unabashedly tries to get out of dating any guy at all in an auction and then bids on herself.

S4 Take My Finals, Please. When they're talking in the dark.

S5 Brave New World. The dorm room scenes. lol

S5 Advanced Placement. The only thing I really remember about this episode is the scene where Natalie is telling Jo and Blair's college friends about how someone tried to set Jo up with someone else's sister because people thought she was a guy. lmao

S5 The Christmas Show. The gayest episode in the series for the final scene alone. now-kith.jpg

S5 Big Fish, Little Fish. The scene upstairs always gets to me more than the puppet scene everyone loves that follows.

S5 Star at Langley. Not an obvious choice but Jo is so so butch in comparison to the other women in this ep and we don't talk enough about her feeling like it's her place to protect Blair's heart from the possibility of Cliff cheating.

S5 The Way We Were. It's a recap ep but there are a few bits between the recaps and the last one is so domestic. Jo's lil smirk!! I love.

S6 Cruisin'. A couple of ����🤔 lines of dialogue for sure.

S6 The Rich Aren't Different. There's a nice little scene for relationship growth at the end. <3

S6 Edna Garrett On Campus. I think this is the ep where they share a book? I just remember it looking really cute.

S6 Jazzbeau. This is one of the eps where they're quietly background!married the entire time.

S6 With a Little Help from My Friends. Jo gets all protective in this one and makes Blair's business her business.

S6 The Interview Show. They really talked about each other in their interviews and never wanted each other to find out, and the self-sacrificial part about Blair bowling is sooo something.

S7 Out of the Fire. "A brand new Mr. Frog!" :')

S7 Ballroom Dance. Blair and Jo are lowkey kind of flirting at one point.

S7 Atlantic City. It's so unserious but all of their scenes are together and Blair gives Jo a really nice compliment.

S8 The Little Chill. Ignoring that their friendship has little to do with the plot, they have a couple of sweet moments.

S8 A Winter's Tale. Jo is so unfazed by men in this ep. lol

S8 Cupid's Revenge. Really cute final scene.

S9 Rumor Has It. Jo's reality check pep talk for Blair is why they're perfect for each other.

S9 Something In Common. Jo and Rick both in drag going to a "reverse costume party" that Blair wasn't invited to!!! They're bearding!

S9 Less Than Perfect. There are two scenes that make me lose my mind. Something about Jo appreciating Blair when Blair isn't around to hear it... And then the part where she's in the room with Blair in the dark. A weirdly intimate ep for them.

[moonchild-in-blue]

Some thoughts on Fields of Elation:

The daylight recedes in unison, this room Buries the hours like death, in motion Nobody else can pull me out The fields of elation, quiet and loamy

Okay so, the first verse is saying that as the night falls, time becomes less linear and more fleeting, like death approaching. Given the rest of the lyrics (and their whole discography), it's because Sleep is approaching Vessel. We know Sleep only comes at night, and how symbolic the dusk/twilight process (Sundowning) is to both Vessel and Sleep, and their relationship.

But the second verse has been ruminating in my head for a while, and I think I've finally reached some sort of conclusion (or at least a Thought I'm happy with).

I always assumed the "fields of elation" were meant to simbolize the state he was in whenever he and Sleep were together. Which makes sense given:

1 - the previous song of the ep, Thread the Needle ("we can spend the night in fascination")

2 - the next verse of this song ("caught in the careless arms of lust again")

3 - the music video (where we first see his mask being formed)

But then, in my umpteenth listen, THIS caught my attention:

[note: I like to read the lyrics as prose sentences, rather than lyrical. Because the physical placement of words necessary for the metric to make sense (when sung), isn't necessarily "correct" in terms of reading. What I mean is that a lot of sentences get interrupted or jumbled together, and when you read it as a running sentence instead, you find these little things you'd usually skim over. Sometimes the meaning even gets changed.]

"Nobody else can pull me out the fields of elation, quiet and loamy."

Vessel sings this right after the daylight receding verse (aka Sleep's impending arrival). So what if, bear with me, he is being pulled OUT of the "fields of elation" - a metaphorical place where life is thriving, where things are good and quiet and peaceful, (OMG IS THIS EDEN?? THIRD EYE MOMENT WAIT A SECOND), as he gets more and more entangled with Sleep?

Because RIGHT AFTER (I'm sorry for screaming, but I'm going full conspiracy mode over here) he says:

Your name is a sin I breathe, like oxygen Caught in the careless arms of lust, again

He claims that Sleep - being with Them, Their very nature, Their name - is a sin. He gives in to the lust, to the sin, again and again, in the night time, in the dream world. Where time is inconsequential. Where it feels like death. Where Sleep has full control.

So is this him, as a mortal, as a human, refusing, or rather giving up, his human life to worship this god who is all lust and danger and sin? Sleep becomes the very oxygen he breathes - so this is him offering himself fully to Them; his life is no longer his own, it's Theirs.

What's interesting is that he calls his "previous life" - the human, normal life, as "quiet". He uses the world elation in reference to his humanity, not to Sleep. Maybe this is him saying that he'd rather live in peril, in sin, in the brink of death for Sleep, than to lead a normal, peaceful, conventionally fulfilling life on his own. (this is very hot because I too crave danger)

The song ends with an admittance:

"I'm losing my faith in our lives apart."

To me, this is an indicative of the final commitment he's about to make. He and Sleep seem to be acquainted with each other for a while now (the word "again" is used a few lines before), but at this point he hasn't been given his new title as Vessel. He's still just a man, who has tasted sin, and is willing to be cast away from the light to live in the night with Them.

In a previous analysis (from one of @fields-of-elation 's post about The Offering), I had proposed the possibility of Vessel being the forbidden fruit that slowly corrupted Sleep, rather than the other way around ["you are a garden" (...) "take a bite" etc]. And while in this song Sleep is the one who is the obvious temptator, I don't think it's that out of pocket to continue with this narration.

Because Vessel says "in our lives apart", rather than "in my life". Maybe, just maybe, he knows how much Sleep needs him as well (his worship, his flesh, his love, whatever it is), and that's why he's so willing to become Their property. Something something mutual corruption, you know what I mean.

The video shows his mask being made - I think this song is that final moment of reflection and clarity before giving in. The song, sound-wise, has a very particular fluttery feeling to it - almost as if you're in a dream state. Everything about it feels incredible liminal and etheral.

If you look at the progression in language, he starts as a narrator, describing the events and surroundings as they happen. The hours are blurry, the night approaches - he's falling asleep ( and being pulled out of the fields of elation into Sleep's room/realm). And then it changes to a dialogue - Vessel adresses Sleep directly, confesses the power Their presence has on him, and reiterates that only Them can make them give up his life. And how much he needs to be together with Them.

Vessel hardly ever says exactly what he wants. He dances around the subject, almost as if afraid to make demands (for fear of rejection? for fear of vulnerability? a power imbalance?). So when he says:

Nobody else can pull me out (...)

I'm losing my faith in our lives apart

- what he really means is: I can't live without you any longer, so please make me permanently yours.

The mask is made, and thus Vessel is born.

[gothicbarbie]

BL'S I'm Watching (August 2023)

In order of my enjoyment!

1. Only Friends - Breath of fresh air! It's messy, it's sexy, it's entertaining... it's got a lot of pairings I love seeing together. I like that it's just a more mature BL. Yes, the high heat is great, but it's about these characters feeling comfortable with their sexuality. I want more!

2. My Personal Weatherman - Always enjoy JBL's and high heat ones are even better because imo they always feel more realistic. The plot of this is a bit strange but the chemistry is great and I want to see where it all goes.

3. Hidden Agenda - Joongdunk are just so adorable. Besides the fact that they are just the most attractive pairing to look at, they have clearly gotten even more comfortable around one another. I like that the plot is going in a different direction than I expected. It's not the most amazing BL I've ever seen but I'm enjoying it.

4. Love Class 2 - I was busy last week so I am behind on episodes but I did enjoy the start of the show. A tad confusing on first watch but it made sense in the rewatch. An interesting plot with 3 different pairings to root for, so it's a fun watch. There are a few elements I don't care for but it's not too bad.

5. Dangerous Romance - A bit of a sketchy start and I can't stand bullies, but I am happy that Chimon and Perth get a chance to shine and I wanted more of them. Let's see where it goes.

6. Minato's Laundry 2 - Still a great show. Lots of cute moments. I think season 1 was better and Minato is irritating me quite a bit with his insecurities and pulling away. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me personally but I still like the show and will finish it out.

7. Stay By My Side - Not Taiwan's best, and the main pairing is a bit awkward in their kissing imo but I still the show is very fun and they are cute.

8. Laws of Attraction - Interesting-ish plot. A few pairings to root for. There is def. some boring parts and issues I have with the show but I am still liking it.

9. Be Mine Superstar - I find the plot of this one pretty boring TBH but I freaking love JaFirst. It's not their best series and I find Ja's character pretty awkward. But it's watchable.

10. The Wedding Plan - This plot is weird. Don't get the fake marriage or why the main guy can't be honest. I think the chemistry is alright but not overwhelming. I am not fully invested but its a short series and I wanna see how it goes.

11. Jun and Jun - ehhhh idk about this one guys. I can't get into it. I wanted to, but office romances aren't for me, and I think this one is especially boring. I like the chemistry between the main two but I find a lot of their moments a bit uncomfortable and there is a lack of consent in a lot of areas. Not Korea's best.

12. Stay Still- Not even sure what I am watching but its so short so I'm just kinda skimming.

On Hold:

1. I Feel You Linger in the Air

2. Lost in Translation

Tried the pilots of these and they felt very slow so I had to put them on hold for now and may come back to them later or if I hear good things about them.

Recently Finished:

1. Stay With Me - For anyone with doubts, this is definitely a BL. Some sweet kisses (though not on the lips) and lots of flirting and innuendo. A terrible ending but it'll apparently get a season 2, so I'll hold out. I genuinely loved this series!

2. Sing My Crush - Not big on musical plots and I found the storyline here a bit boring and like I'd seen it before, but it was okay. The main couple was very cute. Didn't love it as much as everyone else, but it was still good and worth the watch

EXTRAS:

Advance Bravely - Not currently airing. It's also I think technically a bromance but there are def. suggestive moments and scenes and I find the chemistry really good an entertaining so I'm enjoying it.

Catch Me Baby - Not currently airing. Only watched 1 ep and had to skim it, I found it very weird. I'm only really watching for Net/James.