#i'm just not in a mental position to reach out myself rn :(

[dreamtuna]

I haven't been able to write at all. idk just nothing is coming out. It sucks. Feels empty.

[bluestjayy]

Life update:

I didn't make my deadline.

After approximately 200 applications, only 6 (first stage) interviews, 3 (second stage interviews), and more rejections than I could cope with some days, I unfortunately haven't been able to find a job since being laid off in September. This means I can no longer stay in my apartment. Which. Sucks.

I'm lucky enough to have my parents to fall back on, so I'll be moving back to their bungalow until I can find something to support me and save up enough money to come back to the city, so that's something. But it's also not going to be great for me while I'm there.

My hometown is an incredibly small mining town in the rural north-east, it's ridiculously close minded and conservative. I'm not out to any of my family for this reason, so I am for sure signing up for a minimum of a year being misgendered and stomaching casual bigotry from everyone I'm surrounded by.

And I love my parents, but our relationship isn't the best. They have a lot of really unhealthy, toxic, and occasionally abusive behaviours, and the way they treat each other and me is really... well it's not always good. Which is part of the reason I not only moved out but to a city that's 3 hours away in the first place. Their home is not intended for anyone but the two of them, it is incredibly small, and I will be living in a second room that only fits a camp bed and a small desk with very little privacy as this room is also where some of the utilities are. It's something, and I am so lucky to have this option at all vs complete homelessness. But I also know the toll this is all going to take on me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I have already had to start looking at my current possessions, over 4 years of the life I built here, and decide which parts I get to keep and which I now have to leave behind.

Being back there is going to be... I don't know. I get into dark places whenever I go home for the holidays for a few days so living there again... I really don't know.

I guess the only thing keeping me going is the idea I will be able to come back to the city I'm in right now, the one I call home, eventually. It's just going to take some time.

And I have a plan, I am already job hunting for remote roles I can do back there, I'm open to taking on two or three if necessary, and I've started working on opening an Etsy store for some of my crafting creations that may also help me fundraise the money to leave a lot faster. Perhaps I'll even consider commissions again.

But it's definitely going to be a long long year getting myself back on my feet again.

One of the only upsides currently is how much time I have to be working on fic and art (whenever the muse allows me!) so that's something I guess haha.

Anyway, thoughts and love and support and virtual hugs go a long way for me rn, and if you're so inclined (absolutely 100% not necessary but every little helps) here is the link to my tip-jar:

Ko-Fi

Even just giving this post a share would really help me right now. Those who know me know I find it really difficult to ask for help even when I'm in desperate need of it but I think, after six weeks of this reality slowly creeping up on me, I have reached a point where I am ready to say I really need it.

The fandom communities I have found myself in the last year have been an absolute rock for me. And I am so glad I get to be a part of them with you all.

In the end, it will be okay. That's what I have to keep telling myself. Positively rebellious and rebelliously positive.

Thank you for reading, I hope you have a wonderful day and I appreciate you all so much 💛

[cas-backwards-tie]

I'm new to you page and wa wondering if you had discontinued the pack plan series as its brilliant:))

Ahhh, well, welcome! 💖🥰🫂 We’re so glad to have you here! I want to thank you for reaching out and asking 💕 I always appreciate asks! Even when they’re not related to my fics.

TOPP is definitely still in the works! And because you asked so nicely and cared to inquire, I feel like I owe it to all of you all to post a snippet of the next chapter! 🙌🏻 Because I definitely realize and know how long you guys have been waiting! I’ll post the snippet and then I also can give you an update about the fic/where I’m at, at the bottom.

Snippet of Ch.2:

"Why wouldn't you just tell us?!" Soap grits out, his voice taking on a dark tone as he turns his once sky blue, now stormy, eyes on you. "Do you realize what position you've gone and put us in?"

“Yeah, and what position’s that?” You engage, turning to square off against Johnny, the both of you only a foot apart since you’d been standing next to each other in line.

You’re met with a low warning growl, the motion of his hand balling up into a fist at his side not being missed by your peripheral vision. Despite your defiance not being unusual within the team, your designation now, is known, and an Omega standing up to an Alpha? Not taken kindly upon. Nor is it taken lightly. Regardless, they’re not your Alphas, and that means they have no claim over what you do or say. And while there’s always the risk of an Alpha disciplining an unruly, unclaimed Omega, you’re willing to take it.

"It's your fault, really," Ghost eggs on, making everyone whip their heads in his direction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[If you don’t know what this is in reference too, here’s the masterlist for the series in question!]

So the reason why I haven’t posted the chapter yet is for a few reasons 💕 One, from a writing standpoint this one is quite longer, and I want it to be amazing for you guys! When I was writing the first chapter I had a friend to help me with the dialogue (which is why I feel I really struggle) and rn I don’t, so I think I’ve been nervous about that a bit.

But also, because in my real life there’s been a lot of major changes recently. In September I found out that I have CIRS (Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome) which, is basically like mold sickness but, like, permanent. So I’ve been trying to find somewhere safe to move/detox from the mold w meds bc my body can’t on its own, and I’m actually just finally moving into my new apartment on Sunday! 💖🙌🏻 so that’s cool.

Besides that, I also got diagnosed with, like, idk, I guess it’s a disability, technically, and the fact that I’ve been struggling my whole life with it but never knew has been… kind of mind blowing tbh? Like I haven’t told anyone except one person about it—not even my best friends yet—bc it’s been a lot to work through since… I guess I’ve technically had this my whole life but only now know at 25? 😅🤯

So it’s been a lot of working on my health both physically, mentally, and with moving, my family, Christmas coming up, and trying to find a job/support myself even day-to-day, it’s been kind of taxing tbh balancing everything. And that’s not even mentioning the little social life I do have 😅😭🙈 So while I know it’s frustrating waiting, and I’m sorry that it’s taken so long, I do want to be open and tell you guys what’s going on behind the scenes 💕 Granted, I know not everyone necessarily cares, and that’s okay! If you did read all this, though, I appreciate you and hope you have an amazing day!

Your ask, though, Nonnie definitely is inspiring me to sit down and really finish the next two chapters bc I have both laid out- one nearly finished, the other will be shorter (I think?) because of the plot point it’s mostly about 💕 I will say though, too, it does make me a bit anxious not having had a whole plan for this fic unlike the others which I’ve sort of started writing with a whole plot in mind 😂🙈💖 so I just hope you guys will continue to love it ask much as you’ve loved the first chapter! I genuinely have never received as much love on a work than that one chapter, alone! So I am truly grateful 💖

[breelandwalker]

not sure if anyone else has asked this recently but my internet is too slow to do a deep dive in the archives rn so - do you have any advice for avoiding/preventing/dealing with a lot of 'backsnap' from spells? i.e. the wave of exhaustion/general physical and emotional crumminess after doing some heavy work. it's entirely possible that this specific instance i'm experiencing could be allergies or an oncoming cold, but since it hit me right after i spent an evening doing the first serious amount of spell-casting i've expended effort on in months, i'm inclined to connect it at least a little bit. now i'm wondering how best to bounce back or prevent it from hitting so hard in the future (aside from obvious health-boosting things like rest, water, vitamin c, etc). is it just a matter of exercise makes the muscle stronger or should i really not be neglecting to ward up first in my impatience to get to the fun part?

Good question!

This is something I hear about frequently enough that I feel comfortable calling it a common occurrence. Doing heavy, involved, or prolonged spellwork is taxing in the same way that any other task requiring a lot of focus or mental or emotional energy might be. I don't know that there's a way of wholesale avoiding it, per se, but you can mitigate it in a few ways with a little bit of preparation. You've got the right idea here, so allow me to offer just a few additional tips.

Set up your workspace ahead of time and make sure you have all your materials ready to go and within easy reach. Try to eliminate distractions and as many potentials for interruption as you can. The less frustration, distractions, or derailment you have during a casting, the easier it is and the less exhausted you'll be afterward.

Make sure you're rested, hydrated, and not running on empty or heading for a caffeine crash or the tail end of a medication cycle if you take dailies. Take a few minutes to calm yourself and focus on the task at hand before you begin. If you have any preferred grounding and centering techniques, definitely employ those. I've found that just taking a moment to bring myself into the present and sort of zoom in on what I'm doing has helped more than casting extra wards just for the sake of one spell.

If you're feeling ill or overtired or like you're on your last spoon, maybe do your spell another day. I know magical timing is a thing some witches rely upon, but there's almost always a way to spin timing to your benefit, and spellcasting should NEVER take precedence over your health.

Keep in mind, all of this is to MITIGATE the post-casting crash, not prevent it. It's still a good idea to rest afterward, maybe have a snack and hydrate again. Just make sure you clean up anything that needs cleaning, extinguish all fire hazards, and put up any materials that you don't want kids or pets getting into or that might be a trip hazard. (You do NOT want to skip this step and end up cracking a toe on your cauldron the next morning, TRUST ME.)

It does get easier as you go on. There's a reason we call witchcraft a practice - it takes PRACTICE. Doing small-to-medium spells and periodic exercises may help things go more smoothly, since you don't have to think about it as much once you've got the hang of things. (I try to do a little something every day and I have easy charms built into my schedule for this purpose.) Large, involved castings will still wear you out, not much to be done about that.

I have some other tips for battling inspirational slumps and blockages and helpful hints for your spellwork here:

My Intuitive Spark Feels Low - How Do I Get It Back?

I’m In A Slump - How Do I Get Out Of It?

I’ve Reached A Stopping Point - What Do I Do Next?

How Do I Make A Magic Circle For Spellcasting?

What Happens If I Get Interrupted While Casting A Spell?

Do I Need To Maintain Positive Vibes For My Spells To Work?

Hope this helps! 😊

[tyarichtofen]

His Eminence. Part I/II

Cardinal Copia x Reader - Masterlist

This one took me so much time jekghoej i'm so sorry Also ! I have a real problem with 'Your Eminence' rn so be prepared ghesties I kind of rushed the end, sorry :[

Warnings : smut, Dom Copia (he's kind of a dick?), thigh riding, orgasm denial cuz im a slut for that lately, also not proofread am deeply sorry

2.5k words

The room was calm, except for the brave few who whispers in defiance of the disciplinary rigor of the Cardinal and his usual bearing. Sitting at the last row of the room, you were diving in your already half-full notebook. You scribbled frantically on the sheet, letting your imagination guide you. You shouldn't do that here, really. You shoud listen to his lessons. Despite what your gut told you though, you were writing yet another daydream about the Cardinal and you.

First, it had began as a simple way of escaping the boredom in your chambers -and also because you found the Cardinal scandalously attractive-. But the more you wrote about him, the more your little crush developed.

You wouldn't dare tell anyone about it. A mix of shame and a fear of him finding out. Rumors travel fast in the abbey. And the Cardinal Copia finding out about your ridiculous little crush about him was the last thing you needed. A part of you was sure he would make fun of you in front of every of the other Sisters and Brothers of sin for that.

So every time someone would ask what you're writing, you just pretended to revise your previous lessons. Siblings would throw you weird look after your admission, although they wouldn't say anything and just leave you be. Who would smile so dumbly at their notebook if they're studying ? Was their first thought.

« Copia's lips were soft against mine. Something you wouldn't expect from him, but it's a pleasant surprise. I let myself get carried by him, his hands secured around my waist-

'Ahem,' Copia interrupts and you close your book at light-speed. 'Sister, what are you doing ?' He asks, both of his hands gripping the edge of your desk and leaning over your smaller form. His face doesn't betray an ounce of what could be in his mind, like always. Although you think you can see some sort of annoyance. Which would make sense since you weren't paying attention in his lesson.

'N-nothing, Your Eminence.' You steal a quick glance around you, only to see each of the siblings already looking at you. Your hold on your habit tightens when Copia let an heavy silence hang. Your face is red and you keep looking down at your book in shame.

Of course that would happen someday. You mentally curse yourself and a million questions rush freely around your mind.

In a quick motion, Copia takes the book from you. You stand up to protest before you even have the time to think it. You lift a shaky hand and lean awkwardly over your desk to try and reach it, but the Cardinal is faster than you and has already stepped back.

Copia wears the smirk of the cat who caught the little mouse it had been looking for after a long moment of longing for it. He opens and flicks through the many pages until pausing at today's one.

You stand there in defeat. A cold chill run up and down your spine as you prepare for the worst shame of your life. Your position is rigid as you await for the Cardinal’s wrath anxiously. Copia looks up from your book and make direct eye contact with you. There is undeniable mirth in his eyes. For a moment you wonder how long he waited for this occasion.

He clears his throat, and you think you're fucked. You slump back in your chair, wanting to make as much noise as possible in an attempt to be louder than his voice.

His smirk doesn't falter however he doesn't read out loud. Which is an actual relief. In all honesty you expected him to, knowing how mean this man could be at time for his own pleasure. He basked in the misfortune of some, it appeared, if it was for his own pleasure. You half expected him to bury you in your embarrassment. To rub the knife in the wound and make fun of you.

After he read a few lines, a deep chuckle rose from his chest and his mustache twitch in crooked amusement. You curse yourself for finding it attractive despite the situation. You try to calm your racing heart but to no avail. Your hands are helplessly shaking on your laps and you stare at them as if it would erase everything around you.

The loud thud of your book on his desk makes your gaze flip up to him.

'You will stay with me after class, Sister ?' Copia asks, his back facing you. It sounds like a question but deep down you know he's not asking.

'Yes, Your Eminence.'

The rest of the lesson has been even more silent than the usual. Every time the Cardinal caught your gaze he will smirk again and again. This bastard even interrogated you a couple of times when he never did before. Just to push you further in your unease. Which definitely worked.

The class finishes after what felt like a long, long time. One of your friend wished you good luck before leaving you alone. Alone with Cardinal Copia.

You're ready to face your punishment, you decide. The sooner you're over with it, the better. Still, you stay sitted, eyes on the table before you and don’t dare to utter a word. Copia is already a few feet away from you. Fitted perfectly in his black cassock and his hands crossed behind his back he approaches you dangerously.

'So,' You can feel his powerful gaze travel on your clothed body without shame. 'What's written in there my child ?' Copia asks, dangling the diary he took from you in his hands.

He knows. He read it, of course he knows. But he wants you to say it anyway. That damn audacious bastard.

'Nothing, Your Eminence.' You repeat yourself. It clearly isn't the best choice to deny the truth and you don't even know why you did that but your faith is sealed now, you just hope he would indulge you a bit.

Your hopes were fragile and vail. This man was merciless and deep down you knew it. Now that he had caught you, he won't let you go this easily. Even begging would be useless, although you could try. He'd find it cute for you to try. To actually beg him. Sooner or later you'd be begging him, he decides.

'Hm, I see.' He says, thoughtful for a second. He spins on his heels and goes over to his desk. He sits in his chair before removing his biretta with extra care and placing it on the wood before him. You finally gather the courage to look at him. He's wearing this stupid smirk that has your mind wandering on his face again. His legs are lazily spread and one of his elbow is propped on his knee. 'You don't mind I read a bit further then ?' He continues, already flipping around the pages. Your opinion actually didn’t matter that much to him, he only asked by pure mockery.

'I-' You try to protest again but this time his reaction is not the same. Copia's previously sly grin falters and he looks at you with a scold which makes you close your mouth quicker than you opened it.

'Come here, topolina.' He beckons you closer to him with this same insistance in his eyes. He's playing with you and you find that strangely arousing. If it was any other man you'd be repulsed. But something about the Cardinal just made it make sense.

You take a deep breath to steady yourself before getting up. There is a stutter in your step and a wobble in your knees that doesn't go unnoticed by the Cardinal.

'Sit.' He commands once you're standing in front of him. You look around, trying to find a place to fit but can't seem to find one. 'Sit.' He says again with a lighter voice, patting his right thigh. This stole the words out of your head and made you freeze. There is a heated embarrassment coupled with a desire for more running under your skin.

So you do as you're told and sit on his muscular thigh. A sharp gasp escape your throat when your groin makes contact with him. You're suddenly aware of how wet the situation got you.

A maddeningly cruel chuckle erupts from Copia's throat as he too acknowledge it. He snakes his hands at your waist and secure you on him, adding small pressure on you. He leans forward, his face settling in the crook of your neck. His nose brush against your breathing pipe and you can hear him breath you in. You squeeze your eyes shut, hasty but afraid of what he might do or say.

'You smell delightful, topolina.' He smirks against your hot skin and press a chaste kiss there. A strangled whine is teared away from your throat before you have the time to enjoy the feeling of him so close when he tenses his thigh under you. One of your hand shoot up to cover your mouth and the other grip at his shoulder.

His mustache tickle your skin for only a second before he leans back in the chair again. The closeness was too much and not enough at the same time. He was making you dangle over the precipice. Keeping you waiting and desiring him just more.

'Ah, where was I ?' He mindlessly asks as if the situation wasn't affecting him that much. His right hand keep your waist in a secure grip and the other one maintain your notebook open. 'Ah, sì. Ready little one ?'

You tentatively open your eyes again but quickly look down, almost failing to supress another whine when you see where your bodies are touching. The hand covering your mouth slowly loosens and it instinctively sits atop his other shoulder.

‘Yes, Your Eminence.' You comply to anything he has to offer with a little voice. He smiles a toothy and proud grin upon seeing your face before tilting the book in your direction. You look pretty he thinks, your face all flushed and your eyes wide with astonishment and a tinge of anticipation of what he might do visibly flashing in your mind.

Adorabile topolino.

He shakes the object in his hand and you quickly understand what he wants you to do. You uncomfortably gulp. You look at him for a brief moment, your basheful face is met with his stupid smirk and his absurd arrogance. Half of you want to insult him for his attitude but the other part, the stronger one, want him to wreck you until you even forget your name. Until your legs are shaking and all your tired body can register are his groans and moans.You suddenly clear your tight throat to escape the zone out you were making in your mind. Reality is so much sweeter right now.

'Cardinal Copia's body hovered over mine. Strands of his hair were falling on his forehead from how worked up he was.' Your voice is fragile and it quivers at the end of each sentence. You try to steady it, you try to build a facade of confidence but to no avail apparently. He hums pleasantly in your ear, encouraging you to keep going. That was also a testimony of his own pleasure of your timidity. You don't know if it's part of his teasing but anyway it has a strong effect on you.

You try to squeeze your legs together, but all your met with is more friction with his thigh. 'His grip on my wrists tighten as he pushes his hips flush with mine. A low growl escapes him helplessly at the contact.' Copia's hand started working your body in circles on top of him, his grip tightening slightly around your curves. Once again you obey his command and follow his lead without a word.

Copia swallows thickly, hoping you won't catch on it. His eyes leaves the book to focus on you. He's already hard but that's not how he wants you. All he wants today is to play.

‘Look at me.’ Copia commands. Slowly, you lift your head to meet his gaze. As soon as your eyes make contact with his, a pathetic whine leaves your needy mouth and your back arch toward the Cardinal’s body. The grip you hold on his shoulders tense.

His own breath grows ragged as he watches you. Suddenly, he pulls your body flush against his in a quick motion that has you seeing stars. Your panties are ruined and you can feel yourself gushing over his thigh. Leaving a dirty mess between you.

His breath mix with yours due to the proximity and you hope he’s gonna kiss you. That’s all you’d need to cum. For him to ruin your mouth as much as you’re ruining his cassock right now.

Soon enough your thighs spasm and you fail to supress the whine bubbling up your throat. He laughs with cruelty and you can feel his hot breath against your heated face. He also takes the opportunity to speed up the pace

'Cardinal-' You pant in his clothed shoulder. He closes the book and grips it tightly, the leather of his gloves creaks under his force.

'Sì topolina, just like that.' Your fingernails digs into the fabric of his cassock when you hear his delicate praise.

His nose is brushing against yours, and it's only a matter of second before you give into the temptation of kissing him yourself. When you finally lean into him to try and muffle your obscene noises, he leans back from you. You're on the verge of the precipice and Copia halts your movements.You whine and wiggle and squirm in his strong grasp that keeps you in your place. Tears wells at your eyes.

'Please,' You whisper, not trusting your voice too much given the circumstances. 'Cardinal-'

'Ah, ah.' He quips with his low voice as soon as you try to start moving again. He manhandles you and in a second you're standing on wobbly legs before him. You immediately stare down at his pants and you're suddenly basheful when you see the wet patch you left on his thigh.

'Shh, it's okay topolina.' He reassures, wiping a gentle gloved hand at your tear-stained cheeks. You sniffle and try to calm down, not wanting to seem like a fool to the Cardinal. He lays a soft kiss at the crown of your head.

He wanted to make you cum. Truly, he did. He wanted to see your beautiful face blissed out by an orgasm he would deliver. But oh, how seeing the beautiful tears running down your cheeks, experiencing the shake of your legs around him and because of him was delicious in his vision.

'One last thing topolina mia, hm ?' The Cardinal inquires, brushing a rebellious strand of hair behind your ear. You look up at him with doe eyes. 'Don't you dare touch yourself before I do.' He commands with a quiet voice, tilting your face up to meet his gaze with deft fingers under your chin.

It's all he says, before staring at your lips for a moment and leaving the room with no other words, your book in his hands.

[lilisouless]

Pls don't do that, I don't know what's happening in your life but I know how mental health can get really tough, but there is so much else in life that you cannot see in your current state, so much joy, love and beauty, great adventures and small moments, loved ones and strangers to meet, and I know you'll have a great life and one day you'll look back on this moment and think "wow I'm so much better now, I'm glad I held on" I'm really sorry that you feel like it's the only solution rn but it isn't, pls reach out to your loved ones, to a professional, or just anyone really, don't stay alone and get all the help you need and deserve, there is absolutely no shame you should feel about this

I don't know you but I've been following you for years and just seeing you in my dashboard brings me a bit of light everytime, it's crazy to think about the impact you make on a total stranger on a totally different country, so imagine the positive impact you make on the people around you

You deserve the world and I'm sorry you're suffering, but it's gonna get better I promise. I'm sending you the biggest hug, tucking you in the comfiest blanket and giving you a warm cup of hot chocolate, it's gonna be okay, you will be okay, you have all of my support ❤️

Response under the cut

Thanks, and look, i don’t want to kms I just feel like I should because i feel trapped , i know it doesn’t make sense but i rather not explain a lot since I know people being exposed to suicidal thoughts just make their situation worse and I don’t want to affect someone else. Thanks for writing, sorry that I forgot about the cut, i didn’t mean for it to be visible,it was supposed to be under a cut.

I don’t think I would kms right now, but I feel the day until i give up may come if I don’t manage to pull myself together

[troglobite]

re: abandoning idea that you're special

currently trying to deal w this bc it was all so mundane.

but the way i've been treated…like it hurts MORE if i accept that the reason ppl treated me that way is just bc they're boring and mean, and i was a convenient target.

it hurts MORE if there's nothing for me to change abt myself and try and learn that way. it hurts MORE if my pain therefore doesn't matter to anyone.

like my therapist keeps saying this shit is PROTECTIVE, it's not just punishing myself, it's protecting myself from a reality that hurts worse and makes me mean less.

it doesn't HAVE to, but it's not easy or simple and it doesn't make me feel better, and given everything else going on i'm sort of just too tired rn to fully come to grips w this.

i don't think i'm special in a positive or negative way, just unique in a stupid way.

it's also really hard to accept if i have never met a single person w the same experience as me that makes me feel the most pathetic.

like not identical but there are a few things where i'm like, okay even ppl who say they relate still had xyz and i didn't. not trying to nitpick or be special, but it makes me feel worse when someone in THEORY is like I Get It! and then they v much don't in a way that makes me look more pathetic

here i'll be specific:

d/von pr/ce also just posted abt this

there was a lesbian who msged them and said early 20s, haven't ever been kissed, on a date, no one has expressed interest, what should they do? what's going on? is it just bc they've missed the flirting bc they're autistic?

and the response was stop being self-obsessed and pay attn to other ppl then pursue ppl and ask for what you want, don't be passive in your own experience of attraction, etc.

and i can't speak for that person, but

why would i ever do that when i have spent my entire life being ridiculed for existing and other ppl have thought it was a JOKE when i found someone attractive

like

idk abt that person, but for me it is very much not me being a PASSIVE PERSON or NOT PAYING ATTENTION to what i like or find interesting abt others

i am not self-obsessed (in the Make People Like Me way) to the point that i don't pay attention at all

piloting in conversations AT ALL is VERY DIFFICULT, and that INCLUDES just trying to learn abt someone

i'm just tired and angry. nothing i do has a good outcome. with people.

and it's not--my passivity or obsession w Being Likable (which arguably i have deliberately failed at multiple times in my life) that made me lonely or confused.

it was the hatred and bigotry of other people

and these two forces are always at war in my head

"stop telling me everything wrong w me and my life is my fault. it's not. stop acting like me taking a ~simple~ action will fix it, it won't. i'm trying my best and right now i'm so tired i'm just conserving energy and trying to even mentally and emotionally think abt and process everything that i haven't bothered REALLY thinking abt before."

and then also

"there must be something fucking wrong w me for so many ppl to so casually and mundanely HATE me. i must be bad at conversations. at people. i must be annoying. i must be doing something wrong. if i could just figure out what."

and then the advice is always

unmask!

stop worrying abt that!

take an active interest in people!

as if being unmasked and trying to be interested in people hasn't been LITERALLY THE INCITING INCIDENT FOR SO MUCH OF MY, again, very boring and mundane abuse.

so no, reaching out and taking an interest in people and asking for what i want isn't going to go well. it's also a pandemic and I CANNOT LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE so my options are LIMITED.

and no, unmasking is incredibly painful with very limited benefits.

i am a very precarious point in my life, and i can't imagine being MORE VISIBLY DISABLED is going to help me AT ALL.

and no, abandoning this idea that i'm "special" is not helpful and not possible at this moment.

that lesbian that reached out to DP is younger than me, and that is still the closest i've ever come to someone ACTUALLY relating to me on that front.

i have never been on a date. i am almost 29 years old. people consider that a RED FLAG abt me.

everything i listen to has ppl expressing surprised or amusement if someone hasn't had sex by a certain age, or kissed by a certain age.

or ppl saying "it's fine if you're a late bloomer lesbian, in my experience most of us don't care if it's you're first time with a woman"

how about first time, PERIOD? how about first relationship, PERIOD?

it's just this whole part of life that i've never been a part of and i WANT.

i was interested in boys in school. i DID pursue them. in the classically awkward but not overly creepy (as far as i can remember) way of young preteens and teens.

and it was never received well. it never went well.

i'm just tired.

i don't want platitudes "oh life will be better if you do xyz" or "tons of ppl share that experience, it isn't unique"

i want an actual person w the same experience to look me in the eye and say "yeah that happened to me, too. it was awful."

i pay so much attention to other people that i have fun fancy little categories for them all in my head. not in a mean or limiting way, but where i get to see them grouped w other ppl and i can see Patterns in humanity--what i've seen of humanity.

i think abt my friends & other ppl & their lives and appearances and experiences and what i like abt them or just thinking abt them and taking them in.

yes i pay attn to making myself as inoffensive as possible--but based on what i know abt those ppl. i couldn't do what i do if i wasn't paying attention to other ppl in a very close and important way. all i do is think abt and anticipate how others might feel. i try to be considerate. i try to frame my language in a way that's helpful or clear to them. i don't want to hurt them or show that i misunderstood them if i did--i want to make sure i understand them as much as i can.

conflict is a part of life, and in theory it's fine--the problem is that even productive conflict rarely ever goes well for me. even if i want to address it. even if i try and handle it REALLY well.

i'm just tired of responses that flatten out the REASONS why things go poorly, the REASONS these are the protective strategies and masking i've had to learn.

my "problem" is that i don't care if it hurts me. and that no one cares abt my hurt.

but i've had to pay close attention to others my whole life. i've had to do things to make life survivable. and i don't even have it that bad.

i'm in this stupid grey area where it's not that bad so i should just get over it.

then i get yelled at for comparing myself to others, when it's all i've been taught to do.

everything i do is wrong and my fault and i'm tired.

[tottymatsuno]

Last night I had a big panic attack break down bc i mentally wrote out a giant plot that would have made contextual sense, would have intricately tied together up lots of themes and honestly would have been a great ending for an ongoing overarching plot.

But it involved totty rejecting me and saying he didn't love me and like, I legit freaked out about the possibility bc literally I wrote it and he'd be aware I wrote it, and it was ridiculously meta, and I kept thinking why is it hurting me so much, it's not real

So I spiraled for a long time, none of my normal coping mechs worked either. I was too scared to actually look at him, or like read any of my other works and I started freaking out more because have I written anything where he's just wholly nice and in love with me, or have I been writing him as if he's just tolerating me?

Anyways the whole thing felt stupid, and I felt stupid, and I was already in a cycle of mentally berating myself all night long anyways. It was a bad relapse because I haven't done something like that in years. I haven't just sat down and dissociated enough to tell myself how much I hate myself and the things about me, and I've literally never used him as the vehicle to do it.

I turned on my sunlamps, I got in the bed, I ate candy, I kept telling myself it's summer right now and I'm in the window and everything feels peaceful, I'm safe.

And it didn't work. I just kept crying, and I guess I'm thankful I didn't start hallucinating or having incoherent thoughts, but idk. I didn't know how to reach out to anyone either, it felt like if someone didn't reply within that minute an hour had gone by and they were indirectly telling me how annoying I was.

Which then fueled more self derogatory thoughts. I think I finally snapped out of it by reading other stuff I'd written that wasn't ososan or todo related until I calmed down enough to go to sleep.

I guess I'm writing all of this out rn when I should be getting ready for work and eating breakfast is to say something. I'm not sure what yet. I'm having a lot of issues this winter and I'm positive if I had the mental energy i could put all the pieces together and explain it.

But these days I keep thinking about how much I want to be alone, but how much I care about my friends. I don't want to be alone, I want to hang out with my friends. But I do. It's almost as if they have to live without me, or if there's moments where I can't reach them I'd rather run away. Idk.

I think I just need to go offline for a while.

[basilibino]

The new anti recovery rhetoric is that "people who make posts about dealing with depression/anxiety are talking about the emotion, not the disorder" and I'm here to say as someone with both disorders that that position is just not true.

Rag on getting your body moving and not holing up in ur room with instant meals all you want, no one can make you do anything for ur mental health that u aren't ready and willing to do, but it's frankly nonsensical to act like managing a depressed or anxious mood wouldnt translate to changing the affects of a mood disorder.

Yeah, I will always be anxious and depressed, but you know what worsens those spirals consistently? Isolation. Holing myself up in my room and not going anywhere. Not reaching out to ppl. Not eating food anywhere but my car or my bedroom.

Flipside--you know what, while never getting rid of my anxiety and depression, helps me function daily and maintain relationships? Getting out of my house. Going to the gym and not talking to a damn soul but moving my body. Talking with my friends and acquaintances even if I'm scared they don't want to, even when that will usually cause an immediate spike in anxiety, bc 99.9% of the time that's my own brain assuming the worst.

And guess what—I still have bad days! I still have days where I bedrot. My executive dysfunction has actually never been worse than rn. Sometimes my social anxiety is so severe that trying to socialize to counteract will only make it worse.

I live with these mood disorders every day, on top of general emotional dysregulation; exercise and eating habits will not make them go away, it's true. But it helps manage the symptoms. Which is what ppl are talking about when they make posts abt helping depression and anxiety. And that's why tweet threads like this

Are just the same "we can't all be neurotypical, Karen" posts as 2014.

Replier isn't ready to consistently move themselves out of bed yet, and that's ok!! It's a hallmark of being depressed for a reason!

But

they themselves acknowledge that when they can get out and move, it does help!

And maybe it's just the "spent 2 years in a group DBT setting for suicidal teens" in me speaking but I think they're also unintentionally identifying the biggest thing that hinders recovery—shame for our bad days; shame for relapses—shame. Sometimes you'll wake up and getting out of bed feels insurmountable. You wanted to get out and hit the sidewalk this morning before it got too hot, or before the rain came in and brought in a week long cold front, and you can't go to the gym bc you can't afford a membership bc you don't have a job, but this morning everything feels so heavy that you just can't bring yourself to do it. Maybe later in the afternoon you feel like you can get up and out, but now you feel like you've ruined the day for yourself bc you can't get that walk in. So you stay in bed. And then maybe the next day you get up and it's better. You're feeling a bit more energetic than the day before, even without the possibility of a walk! ...until you remember that party this afternoon that you weren't too big on going to, but your best friends set it up for a small group of you all to hang out. You still want to see your friends, but you'd offered to make brownies; which wouldn't be too bad, just mix the egg and water to the box powder and shove it in the oven for a bit, except for one thing—you don't have enough time to get presentable *and* make brownies this morning if you want to be on time. heaven knows you can't be late, they'll all be so annoyed, and you definitely can't show up brownie-less. Then you remember that you did have plans for yesterday beyond the walk—you were going to make the brownies the night before so they'd be ready for this! You can't believe you sabotaged yourself this bad yesterday.

Overwhelmed with the stress of not only showering, cleaning your teeth, and finding the cleanest clothes you have, but also with the dilemma of brownies to be made, without even getting into the drive over to your friends' house, and the realization that maybe you wouldn't have been so overwhelmed if you had just gotten out of bed yesterday when you had the energy; the sudden sureness that you are self sabotaging without even realizing it until its too late....

You finally reach out to your friends.

With an apology that you won't be able to make it today after all. You sit on the couch and hate yourself.

That extremely detailed ramble drawing from various instances in my own life? The hypothetical you is being held back, yes by their depressive tendencies, but also by the way their shame feeds right back into it. So ashamed of missing their walk window, that they stay in bed. So ashamed of staying in bed even when they could have mustered the energy to go to the kitchen and remember to bake brownies, that they can't even think about being late or going without brownies, so they stay home. So busy hating themself that they don't recognize that despite it all, they made it out of their room today.

Part of what makes anxiety and depression such hard disorders to manage is that they are your outlook on the world, and when you're drowning in them it feels impossible to stop and ask yourself "why would my friends care more about brownies than getting me out of the house for the first time in a month" (which can feel self-invalidating to ask, or too harsh for social anxiety feels, i fully acknowledge that) or, "why do brownies matter more than seeing my friends"

And we get so used to sitting in our shame, that managing the shame becomes its own step in symptom management that personally I never heard addressed outside of DBT group. But to make lifestyle changes, you need to be consistent. And building consistency is hard, and will never be 100% perfect. But if you want to build consistency, then you have to be in a place where bad days and stumbles and bedrot days can happen, be accepted, and then start the next day determined to try. And that's hard when you're expecting to make a sudden about face into a new lifestyle and then feel better. You'll set goals too high, you'll miss them, you'll restart the shame spiral.

And I get that. I feel like part of "recovery" from mood disorders includes, unfortunately, hitting that rock bottom. Bc you can't start climbing out until you are certain it's the best choice you can make for yourself.

But it still annoys me that ppl are now also going after the "unfortunately that advice is true" ppl, bc now they're not just dismissing the advice, they're invalidating the ppl who are very clearly telegraphic that they are in this chronic struggle with you. Would someone who only experiences occasional episodes of mild depression or anxiety open with the vibes of "unfortunately, that advice we all had crammed down our throats until we were sick of it actually does help"? Or would that be coming from someone who has had to experience the ego death of making a gradual lifestyle change and noticing improvement in their symptoms.

[le-velo-pour-dru]

hi hi r u doing ok? noticed a lot of distress posts from u lately so i just wanted 2 check in... if u need a place 2 complain or vent it all out feel free to do it in response 2 this ask :))

-🦇

Yeah ummmmmmmm. my mental health has been pretty bad recently :'3 And I feel bad about all the negative posts I've been making recently, since people always talk about how they appreciate me being a positive presence on my dash, but sometimes I need to scream into the void about my problems, and this is my favorite place to do so X3

There are a bunch of things contributing to my mental state rn, but there are a couple main things that have been upsetting me more often than the others. Firstly, a dear friend of mine who I used to talk to constantly has been going through a tough time mentally, so for the last four months we've stopped talking to each other, because nowadays he doesn't have the mental energy to be holding all those conversations with me. And it's just such a hard situation; I know he needs this time away from me but I miss him so bad, he was my absolute best friend and we just cut communications cold turkey. I want him back in my life but I know he's not ready for that, so I just have to wait for an indefinite amount of time. I also just really hate that he's been having such a hard time for this long, and I really wish there were anything I could do to make things easier for him, but there isn't really anything I can do except wait and let him know I'm there for him. It's just such a hard situation all around, and I wish the whole thing could be over and everything could just go back to normal :(

The second thing is that my friends have such difficult situations offline, and there's nothing I can really do to help them. My friends in a Discord server I'm in often complain about their home lives, and a couple of them are in some pretty tough situations that break my heart to hear about. The issue is, though, when people tell me about their problems my mind immediately goes to solutions and ways to make it better, but in situations like this where people have crummy families, there's nothing I can do to change that or help make their lives easier. I guess it is good that I listen to them, but it hurts having to hear these awful stories about my friends' families and being unable to do anything about it. Gjxkjgdhzhkfffhzfgkfxfhgjc I just wanna give all the people I care about good lives and strong support systems of people who love and care about them but there's genuinely nothing I can do to help their problems aside from providing support with my words :( I WANT TO CREATE ACTUAL POSITIVE CHANGE IN THEIR LIVES RAGH 😫💔

And lastly, my self-esteem really hasn't been that good recently. I just keep getting convinced that my friends are annoyed by me and don't like having me around :( Also, I have a serious thing about being ignored, where if people don't react to the things I say, I take it very personally, which means when my messages go unreplied to, it makes me feel very unwanted and unwelcome. I'm just very insecure about myself, and even though I know I'm loved, my brain keeps lying to me about how my friends feel and it makes me feel really bad :(

Anyway, thanks for reaching out <3 I appreciate that you noticed what's been going on with me, my mental health's been pretty bad so it feels good to have someone caring about what's going on with me :)

[the-feral-fa1ry]

I hate the position I'm in rn.....I am ridiculously grateful for the help with resources and safe space to lay my head indoors but sharing space with my mom for more than a week at a time is really triggering. It's always out of the frying pan and into the fire with this shit.....I just want to exist and take up space in my authenticity without her acting like I'm stepping on their toes or that I'm a literal child cause of my autism.

It's seriously been nothing but judgement and lamentation that I'm not doing good enough in life and that the way I know how to exist for free is somehow degrading or injurious to my mental health and soul when it's actually the exact opposite. I'm so ready to get the fuck outta here I can't wait to get my license and registration done and build out my van so I can skedaddle back to where folks understand me and instead of judging me they get curious and want to come with me and see how I live. Not to mention how hard she's pushing me to love Santa Fe and is literally shaming me for wanting to be in Cali. I'm so over people belittling, dismissing, and distracting me from what I know is for me and from reaching my goals. It fucking sucks too cause those that are closest to me are the ones who don't believe in me or have their own agenda with my talents. I know myself and I know that I'm capable of making it in the scene that's embraced me like family. I know my values are rooted in unconditional freedom, love, kindness, and respect. So when I show up in those ways it confuses and hurts me that it's rarely reciprocated except by those that truly share and live by those values. Idk I guess I'm just heartbroken that they haven't actually done any of the work needed to be satisfied and happy here and now and able to see that what they want for me isn't always what's best.

[kamenridercorn]

I'm a Teeny Bit Stressed Lately

So I kinda need somewhere to word vomit that isn't directly to friends or family or even like...a Discord server because lately I am just kinda always losing it

It really all just comes down to time and money

My family has... technically enough money rn

Our bills are paid, we are fed, hey maybe we even have an itty bit to treat ourselves

But largely

We are just scraping by

We are about to have our second child

We have pets

We have a house

And all of those are inherently positive things

But the stress of having money for it all is insane

Especially when my wife works in healthcare and I work at a fucking LGS and somehow I make more money

And there's no feasible career changes in the future

My wife wants to work in EMS, but she can't progress til she has time for more classes

And honestly?

I have an arts degree that I have basically had to accept was a mistake and I just don't have anything to fall back on

Being a homeowner is just stress at this point

Like....like I know on paper it's better than renting

But right now it just feels more expensive and also all the problems are our responsibility now

Nevermind that the house has unfinished work that was supposed to be done by other people are ready

Get everything in writing folks, even if it's family

And at a smaller level

I have no money for any of my hobbies

And no time to put towards the things I DO have

I never see my friends anymore, because we're all real adults now and everyone is juuuuust far enough to make hanging out casually hard

I'm so behind on games and shows and painting and just.... everything

And I need those things

I love my wife and my daughter so fucking much and I can't wait for our new baby

But I need the stuff that's just for me too

And it's just....maybe if it was ONLY money or ONLY time

But it's all of it

I don't have my escapism, and real life fucking demands it lately

And yeah I get it. We're lucky to have a house. We chose to be parents. I don't think this all happened to us without any of our agency

But all of that is done in the pursuit of happiness and fulfillment

I understand it's not all easy

I just need to feel like it's going to finally settle at some point

Like everyday isn't a reminder of financial chokehold or suffocating from all the tasks we have to complete just to function

It's so hard to find a moment to pause. Whether that's on my own or in conjunction with my family

And I have no time to work on myself

Before the wedding, I was trying to finally get a diagnosis for ADHD, something that had always been out of reach because my parents are very anti-mental health is still medical

But I couldn't get in with a therapist and now I just can't afford it

And like....I know the world is on fire around me

I know

I am not suffering like so many others

My existence is not threatened by merely existing

But at the micro scale of my own life

I feel like I'm flailing in the dark

[mik0bastard]

31 and 53

Sorry it took me so long to get to this, exam season is killing me

53. What dirty talk actually turns you on? Is there anything that makes you cringe?

Great question this might be a long one. Growing up, a lot of my sexual education/exploration came in the form of erotica and audioporn rather than visual stimuli, so I love the verbal aspect of sex. To me, the person who's talking is the person in control, so when I'm in a more submissive role I like when a person can hold the space on their own and put me in a position when I don't have to be so verbal. I'm into degradation, I like being condescended and stuff idk, honestly I think as long as the other person doesn't sound like they're trying too hard, or mentally drawing from a word bank of shit everyone's already said before I'll probably enjoy myself. Because yeah, "you little slut" is fine I guess, but if it doesn't sound like something you would say and if the delivery feels like it's something you just heard in a porno, it's an instant turn off for me. Switch it up, give me something personal. To be fair though I'm aware other people are at a disadvantage because of how well Martin knows me and our pack of boundaries. Plus he could say literally anything about the fact that we're siblings and it puts me over edge 😭 he's also a really creative person and has no problem fully commiting to saying whatever pops into his head while we're going at it, which I love.

Also this is worth noting because I have no idea the next time I'll be able to talk about this, but holy shit I was listening to an audio once, and normally I don't like listening to people just jerk off, but by the end of it the guy was just rambling all this super desperate, degrading shit and it was disjointed nonsense honestly, "I hate you, I just want you to need me like I need you, I want you to hate this more than I do... just be good why can't you be fucking good you stupid fucking cunt just be what you were supposed to, just be my cunt... I wanna beat you, I wanna dig my nails into your flesh and leave marks that never go away. I wanna put cigarettes out on your tongue, I really do, fucking hate cigarettes and I still want to. I'll make you smoke just for the occasion just to hear you cough." Like it's so, specific and desperate and personal to him that it really had an impact on me.

Sorry that was really long and probably doesn't make a lot of sense? But I just have so much to say and zero desire to organize my thoughts rn 😭 I love the question though

31. What’s the best orgasm you’ve had in the past few months?

This is honestly kind of difficult for 2 reasons:

1. I nut a lot, like multiple times a day so they kinda blur together

2. when I use a vibe I tend to give myself ruined Os instead of fully going through with it and I have absolutely zero clue why. I don't get off on the idea of ruins for myself (I do like ruined Os for men though), I think it just gets so intense toward climax that I turn the vibe setting down and end up not reaching peak. There's probably also an element of me wanting the actual masturbation to last longer because idk I like the build up more than the O

But if I had to pick a strongest one, Martin fucked me while I used my vibe and that shit had me TWITCHING. It was a little cumbersome to use the vibe because I have an air pump one rather than a traditional vibrator, so we don't do this that often, but it's so good.

[heyjude19-writing]

Hello! I was just curious to know if there have been any changes in your writing pattern or planning pattern.. because you said you had RN in your mind for 7 years and if you're writing now(hopefully) without so many years of thoughts in your mind..is it any different?

I had various ideas in my mind and have written them down over the years..but now I'm just worried I won't be able to expand them properly? Some advice would be nice because RN is a beautiful piece of work!

Hello anon!

Oh I do not recommend holding in a story idea for a decade. My story planning process is very different now, because I’m no longer hiding from myself. RN was my 300k word mantra for too long. I’d mentally retreat into it when I needed an escape. When I finally let myself write it out, it was not with the intention to ever share (at first), so I had no word count in mind, nor a plan for how to break up chapters, I just wanted it out of my head. 

I am writing a new multi-chapter and a few one-shots now. I write every day and have given myself a daily word count goal. I would say the physical act of writing looks the same for me: I write down all the little scraps of dialogue, character notes, or scenes as I think of them, regardless of where they occur in the story. Apologies if you’ve heard this from me before, but I will forever remain a “fill in the blank” style writer, which is a blending of the plotter/pantser method. I know how my story starts, I know how it ends, I know the emotional arcs I’m giving my characters and which emotional beats they need to hit on their journey to reach my envisioned end. But I do not need to write in chronological order. My outlines are hilariously disorganized and rambling. 

And I would like to banish your worry about expanding on your ideas. Write them down. Write them all down. They may turn into absolutely nothing (some of my story ideas in my WIP files are one bullet point) or you might find it was the perfect jumping off point you needed to build a whole scene, then a whole fic around.

I often play the “what if” game with story threads to see if I can build something bigger. RN (chapter 8, Draco’s apology) is actually a ridiculous example of this exercise, even if it took me so fucking long to get it out. A shorter example would be Courting Customs Most Sacred: “what if Pansy manifested her clingy personality in a more positive way, like a friendship with Hermione?” and then I married it with another stray idea of “what if Narcissa tried to engineer a match between Hermione and Draco without their knowledge using some seriously insane pureblood customs?”

Because asking “what if?” of a story idea often leads to answering “why?”

Character X is in a situation. Why are they in this? What led them to this moment?

Which spirals me into: How are they feeling about this situation? What about their past is going to color how they act/react/speak? What’s their ultimate motivation?

So my advice is to indulge all your little head canons and if something excites you, chase it. Make your characters answer your questions and they will come across as authentic in whichever story you’ve crafted for them.

If it’s a confidence issue, let me be the one to give you permission to tell your inner self-loathing gremlin to fuck right off. There is an audience waiting for your story. This fandom is blessed with so many talented writers but it always needs more. Please don’t be afraid to add your voice.

[mychemicalraymance]

I have not been quite as active because as everyone knows our current state of affairs as a nation does not let me feel comfortable or useful uh.... making and reblogging too many posts about stupid little band mcr. As time goes on I'll get back on more, not because this issue is finished or things go "back to normal", just as perhaps there is less active mass violence against protestors. Until there is mass defunding/dismantling of the police state and the prison industrial complex in america mass violence against black people will also continue. Even having that sentence next to one about some band I like feels deeply inappropriate. We dont need to slow down, we are just gaining momentum. I'm planning to attend another protest tomorrow.

As I was saying. Its already "calming down" some and I use this blog as a space for me and my personal enjoyment so I will use it, I have some art plans coming along. It was just too hard to focus on anything else. My feelings on my stupid blog are not important rn I just want to perhaps update my followers and maybe a few mutuals so people dont think I abandoned ship or so I dont have an awkward silent transition where I just plop back into making stupid fanart and calling gerard a tart (which tbf. I never stopped that second on really) without any idk marker or note, like I'm ignoring the past week. I'm not, I'm just going to use this blog in the way I feel appropriate, and it feels a little more appropriate as time goes on. This is very very far from over, and I don't need to be making a little statement here. I have nothing to say that hasn't been said better by others. I just, as I said, dont want people to think that this issue in my life is disappearing or that I'm letting it slip by. I'm not, just using this as a place for myself more as my mental health changes. I dont like posts like these and I think they feel self righteous sometimes and I feel silly writing this. I dont need to be puffing my chest up, I dont plan on making another post like this on other social media. But all I really want to make sure of here is to preemptively notify people that I am not letting this go or letting it fade away even if this blog goes back to a more regular mcr content stream. And nobody else should let it go until we see actual policy change that affects american life in a real positive way. Below is a link to the justice for Breonna Taylor GoFundMe. She would have been 27 today. May she rest in peace and justice be served

[fairycosmos]

I have gained weight and it's driving me insane :/ i so desperately wanna go back to starving but i know i can't harm myself that way and if i wanna lose weight it has to be the healthy way but it's so incredibly hard i hate myself. I'm sorry for dumping this on you :(

:(( i’m sorry love. you’re not bothering me, so dont worry about that at all. i can definitely relate to struggling with feeling okay in your own skin, and during times of stress like these the anxiety about it tends to crop up a little more. it seems as though the emotional turmoil you’re experiencing is amplifying your self hatred, to the extent that gaining weight feels like your worst nightmare. when it really has no bearing on your worth as a person, or on your future, at all. i know it’s a learned feeling, and that you’ve spent a long time internalizing negative ideas about weight gain, so i understand that self awareness doesn’t make it much easier. but it’s a good place to start. i’m really glad you can recognize that starving yourself won’t lead to anything positive, and that it does nothing but perpetuate a cycle of self destruction. because you honestly that you deserve so much more than that. maybe that sounds like a throw away statement but i cant stress it enough - no matter how you feel when you look in the mirror, you need nourishment and energy, and having low self esteem doesn’t change that fact at all. you must try to anchor yourself in the priority of taking care of your needs, first and foremost. there is nothing wrong with eating and giving yourself  sustenance. try to deconstruct any shame that comes with the topic of food or having a changing body. we dont have to look the same our whole lives, nobody really does. it’s normal to grow and go through phases. fluctuation is the most natural thing in the world, it’s not a crime. i think it could be a good idea to take some time to question your beliefs, to examine each bad thought you have about yourself. what does the weight gain mean, why is it a source of guilt, who taught you to think that way, does it change anything about who you are, why does it feel like such a big deal to you, what unhealthy behaviours were you engaging in before to remain at a lower weight? you’ve already established that you don’t want to harm yourself which is absolutely wonderful and a sign of genuine progress, but now it’s time to take that approach with bullying yourself, too. i’m not saying you have to push away emotions like guilt or sadness, because repressing them may make them come back stronger. no, it’s ok to sit with them and to accept them. to let yourself cry, to vent to those you trust about whats going on, even to write about it to clear your head a little. but know that those feelings are not a reason to go to extreme measures to achieve a body that is most likely impossible to achieve. you know they put those ideas in our minds, make us feel like there’s something wrong with existing as we are so they can sell us the ‘solution.’ unlearning those ideals is a time consuming and arduous process, but very possible all the same. if you’ve struggled with an ED in the past, this is probably more deeply rooted than it seems and i’d recommend getting in touch with a professional, even just from home - an ED hotline, or your doctor may be able to refer you to someone. i know it’s a daunting prospect but reaching out and having the perspective of other ppl will prevent you from feeling like self harm is the only option. it’s ok to reach out, i promise. words probably seem pretty empty to you rn, but i really hope you’re able to work through the self hatred one day at a time, because that seems to be what’s setting it all off. try to consciously remember what you like about yourself, even if you have to force that mentality. set small positive goals each day, stay hydrated and find an eating pattern that works for you. put your health first. treat yourself often, let yourself live. breathe. you’re not going to feel this way for the rest of your life, especially if you actively work on subverting the self hatred, by not isolating yourself, by eating often, and by taking care of the body you’ve got. sending you a lot of warmth, let me know if you need a friend x