#i'm just looking at slightly less symptoms and I'm convinced this is it

[furiousgoldfish]

I just realized that I'm defining 'healing' by 'feeling and functioning a little better than I did before' when from any other point of view I literally just escaped, shut myself in, never talk about what happened, get scared of everything, don't make human connections and re-live past situations as if they're still here. But I am feeling a little better than I did. So I'm having good progress I guess.

[writtenbymisunderstoodnerds]

Just tell them (USWNT x Reader)

This isn't that great, but I have covid again and this is keeping me entertained. Enjoy :)

Words: 1.6K

Swing, swing, swing

It was hypnotising. The swinging and bouncing of the ponytails as the girls ran around the field. There had been many things in the past that I had hyper-fixated on. This just happened to be the weirdest one yet. I don't know what is was. It was attractive, but more likely it was the repetitive motion of it. All I knew was it was embarrassing. Not just this particular hyper-fixation, I found all of them embarrassing. I found my inability to focus, my inability to sit still and my hyperactivity embarrassing. No one on the team knew about my ADHD and I planned on keeping it that way. 

They didn't need the burden of knowing. The burden of knowing how difficult it was for me to stop myself from bouncing off the walls, to concentrate on what's going on and to actually remember stuff. They could keep thinking I was highly organised by putting every little thing in my calendar or someone who was just quiet. I put on a show as the quiet one who preferred listening to music and going to the gym constantly. When in reality is was all I could do to control the hyper-activeness and not annoy them.

"She's too old for you," Kelley stated as she sat down next to me.

I jumped, forcing my gaze away from Alex's ponytail and to her, "What?"

"You've been staring at Alex for the past 20 minutes. She's 33, you're 24. That's too old for you and she has a husband and kid."

"I wasn't staring at her, I just zoned out."

"Sure, you've been doing that a lot recently. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just tired." It was true. After moving in with my girlfriend, I wasn't used to sleeping alone, therefore I hadn't been sleeping well this camp. All my ADHD symptoms got worse when I was tired, especially the inability to focus and zoning out. Kelley looked less then convinced, but let it go when we were all called back to the field.

Later that night I was cuddled up in bed completely exhausted. Tierna was out with some of the girls and wouldn't be back until later so I took the opportunity to facetime my girlfriend, Ally. A smile appeared instantly when I saw her sitting on our bed, in her pajamas, hair in a messy bun with paper and books surrounding her. 

Hi love, you look busy.

Hey baby. Just some work I need to finish. Are you okay? You look tired.

No one ever warns you how hard it is to sleep alone after you move in with someone. You should be at your desk, you're going to hurt your back.

Tell me about it. That shit should come with a warning label or something. I was at my desk, but it got uncomfortable. 

I couldn't help, but laugh at her attempt to cheer me up, I love you, did you manage to get time off to come to the game this weekend?

She frowned, shifting slightly and I knew the answer without her saying anything. It was disappointing, but not unexpected. I'm sorry. I really tried baby.

It's okay my love, I understand. It was a long shot to begin with. You'll be watching right?

Always. You should get some sleep Y/n. I'll stay on the phone talking my nonsense until you fall asleep, just like at home. I love you.

I love you too

---

So I may have forgotten to take my meds this morning. By time I realised, it was to late and we were already on our way to the stadium. Game days were the best and worst days to forget. When I was on the field, everything washed away, I was able to focus completely on the game. The problem was before the game when nerves were at an all time high. It was hard to control the nerves when I took my meds, but almost impossible without them. I had my music all the way up, leg bouncing like crazy, trying to suppress some of the desire to scream.

Once we got off the bus things only got worse. My mind was a mess, my energy was bubbling over. I jumped up and down, shaking my arms in attempt to release some of the energy.

Christen pat my shoulder, "You'll do great, don't worry."

"Thanks, I'm going to go for a little walk, calm my nerves a little bit."

"Don't be late back."

After walking around a bit, I pulled out my phone to call the one person I knew could calm me down. Except she didn't answer. I slapped my hands against the wall a few times, stopping when I heard my phone ding.

Ally: Sorry baby, can't answer right now. I love you, you'll kick ass.

I sighed, firing off a quick reply before heading to the field, thinking maybe a warm up will calm my brain. It worked until the few minutes before the game started. I was checking my phone for a good luck text from Ally while pacing and jumping around. 

Ally: You didn't take your meds did you? Just breathe, focus on the game, you've got this

Y/n: How did you know?

Ally: Look behind you

I turned around to find Ally standing in the stands just behind the bench. Just seeing her, calmed my brain slightly. She blew me a kiss, making me smile widely. I couldn't believe she was actually here. A couple of the girls blocked my view. Turning to try and find who I was looking at. I had only been part of the team for a couple of months so they didn't know about Ally yet. There was a lot of things I hadn't told them. I had been too busy trying to be someone else so I wasn't a burden.

"Who's got you smiling like a fool?"

"Thank you love."

"Someone. You may get to meet them later, but for now, let's kick some ass."

---

After the win, we were having celebrations in the locker room. I quietly slipped out to find Ally. It didn't take long, she was standing by the door to the stadium. My arms quickly wrapped around her waist, relaxing into her. My mind going quiet for the first time all camp. Ally kissed my head, holding me tighter, "I'm so proud of you Y/n/n. You did amazing."

"Do I get to meet your team?"

"You want to?"

"Of course I do, if you want me to that is."

I pulled away, opening the door, "Come on. Just a warning, they can be a little crazy at times especially after a win."

Ally shrugged, following after me, "I live with you, I think I can handle it."

"Oh no baby, they are at least 10x worse then me."

All the attention turned to the door as we walked in, "This is my girlfriend Ally, and guess what Kelley? She's older than me."

Kelley faked shock, hand resting over her heart, "You're dating an older woman? Scandalous."

Ally pouted, "I'm only 2 years older."

I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, placing a kiss on her temple, "Still older babe."

"So how long have you two been together?"

"Let's see if you can remember this one babe," Ally smirked putting emphasis on babe.

I smirked back, "1,460.97 Days or 208.71 Weeks or 4 years. Give or take a week."

"How did you remember that?"

"I remembered from our anniversary last week. It took a long time to memorise them for that, but then it stuck."

She nuzzled her nose against the spot just below my ear before whispering, "I love you."

"Only every now and then."

"I love you too."

As celebrations continued, Ally pulled me away slightly, speaking quietly, "How often have you forgotten to take your meds?"

Alyssa looked at me, concern written all over her face, "What meds?"

"Just vitamins."

The girls moved to stand closer, Ashlyn being the one to speak up, "Bullshit, she wouldn't be looking so serious if it was vitamins."

I knew they could be protective, but this wasn't the reaction I was expecting, "It's nothing."

Ally rest her hand on my back, giving me an apologetic look, but spoke up anyway, "Babe, you should just tell them."

"I don't want to burden them with my problems."

My face was cupped and forced to look at Ally. She looked sad, I hated it, "Y/n Y/m/n Y/l/n, you are not a burden. Having ADHD does not make you a burden. Do you understand that? Or do I have to tell you again and again until you do? You. Are. Not. A. Burden."

Before I could respond, Alex spoke up, "You have ADHD?"

Ally looked apologetic again. I wasn't mad at her for it coming out. She was just looking out for me and it was sort of a relief not to have to hide it anymore, "Uh yeah."

"That doesn't make you a burden, why would it?" Ali asked, expression sincere.

"It did to my parents. I was too much, too hyperactive, not focused enough."

"All it means is now you have us making sure you take your meds. Maybe you can stop being so quiet and withdrawn? We've noticed you want to join in or say more, but you always hesitate. Something tells me that's not who you are."

"Trust me, it's not. She's goofy, talkative, funny, Don't let that go to your head, you're only funny sometimes."

"Rude."

"You love me."

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't."

Ally's lips ghosted over mine, slight smirk appearing, "Oh, playing hard to get now?"

My lips just barely brushed hers, a shaky breath fanning over mine, "Isn't that why you fell in love with me?"

"One of many yes, bu-"

Kelley groaned, "You guys are cute and all, but this is just getting gross."

"Sorry."

Ally lent up to whisper in my ear again, "I got a hotel room for us."

I smiled, excitement rising at having her to myself, "T, I won't be back to the room tonight."

[qiutls]

TNGDH 013

"It's obesity, Your Highness."

'What?'

"What?" Oh, I thought I was finally able to talk, but it was Kyle's voice.

The doctor who noticed the anger in the Grand Duke's voice trembled slightly.

"W-well, that, Your Highness' pet hamster, ah- I mean magical beast has no appetite and is inactive, so I thought that m-maybe..."

It was a breathtaking honorific, I'm the only one in this world to be treated this way, by the one and only veterinarian here.

Indeed, since this hamster is cherished by the Grand Duke, one can't carelessly say brash words like 'this rat' in front of His Highness, for fear of losing their voice.

It's absurd, but what can I do? They must be aggrieved to be born into a world where their status is less than a different species.

"It is a little difficult to determine if it has a disease because no trauma nor abnormal symptoms have been found. There was also no pain when I pressed its stomach. It's just when I pressed it carefully-"

"When you pressed it?"

Kyle urged him to speak with a serious look. The veterinarian shivered and continued as if he had been threatened with murder.

"..... It was j-just belly fat!"

I must've gained weight.

I slumped back down and looked at the two humans who were staring at me alternately. Why? What are you looking at? Is this your first time seeing a fat hamster? It's probably your first time, look at you two, you practically can't take your eyes off of me.

Of course, I knew why I gained weight. I ate too much during the morning. The food here in the North is pretty good, no scratch that, human food is just delicious compared to dried pollack. It's worth living as a human even if I was fed rice paste every day.

[ (^(00)^) ]

'... Did I eat that much?'

This morning Sen introduced me to the work at the kitchen. The servants were supposed to make fried sandwiches to distribute them to the refugees, but they were afraid of splashing oil, so I decided to help them out.

Who am I? I'm none other than the self-righteous man who worked at a fast-food franchise in Gangnam for four years, to earn tuition for college.

My amazing frying skills can fry any dish, you name it!

While frying, I took a bite of a sandwich to avoid the eyes of the people staring at me. Then I also took a bite of twisted breadstick, another bite of a sandwich, another bite of breadstick. One bite of donut, a bite of fried meat..... I had 10 bites. How many times did I repeat those 10 bites again?

Anyway, I ate my fill for 30 minutes. Kyle doesn't even give me fried eggs that hamsters can eat, why should I miss out on my only chance to eat high calorie foods.

I felt like a resident employee doing "bad things" prohibited to the newcomers, it felt good. Thanks to this skill, I have a chance to eat rice balls again. As expected, even if you roll in dog poop field, living is still better than dying, well living as a human, I mean.

When I left the kitchen patting my stomach, I heard the servants say how the food that came out of the kitchen seemed to be less than they thought. Ah! I don't care, I put an iron plate on my face and said I don't know why that happened. It seems like it was so cold in the North, that my face thickened.

Well, that's basically a summary of what happened in the morning.

"But Cashew Nut hasn't eaten since this morning!"

Kyle said panicking.

Of course, I didn't. If you were me and you just ate a box of fried food, would you still be blinded to eat nuts all day? You eat it.

But this morning, I didn't just stuff my stomach, okay? In order to prevent the chandelier incident, I tried to tell some servants and attendants to inspect the central chandelier at the banquet hall.

The problem was that my identity was ambiguous, and although my words were convincing, why would they believe someone who's unfamiliar and kept bothering them to check the chandelier.

The last servant I talked to just gave me a basket full of bread and said, "Don't insult the castle that is providing for you, just fry the food properly, so you don't get in trouble."

Anyway, after eating so much in the morning, Kyle was probably worried seeing me sleep all throughout the day and just waking up in the afternoon. So, he explained to the doctor, how I had no appetite and no energy.

"Look again, are you sure you didn't miss anything when checking its stomach?"

The veterinarian touched my stomach again out of courtesy and pressed down, his voice shook as he said.

"It's really just fat..."

Silence filled the room.

All right, take your hands off of me, you're trembling so much you even shook my whole body.

"I see..."

Kyle spoke in an unconvinced tone. I slipped away from the doctor's palm and went to hug his (Kyle's) elbow.

Take it easy, okay? If the vet said I gained weight, then I gained it. Will a hamster die just because he's fat? I'll even eat a nut or two during dinner, alright?

Kyle stroked by back with his fingertips perhaps because my silent consolation was too strong.

"..... How can you be obese when you're so cute."

Ah, this is shocking. It seems like there's no logic left in the North.

The vet seemed to think the same thing as I did, but he just kept quiet and bowed his head. That's right, there's only one life and we should cherish it.

"It seems like you need more care from now on."

"Yes, Your Highness, periodic care is very important. You should let it exercise as much as possible and avoid giving it a fatty diet. It would be helpful to feed it boiled vegetables. And don't worry too much, isn't the magical beast, still in its growing period?"

I'm sorry to say this, but my growth period ended 10 years ago...

"Probably after the growth period, the problem will be solved little by little as the body grows. So don't worry too much, Your Highness."

"Alright."

"Are bodies of magical beasts usually this big?"

"No, it's larger."

"Then, Your Highness, you may need to change things like the wheel, the size of the room, maybe even the house itself."

Kyle replied without hesitation.

"I can change it a hundred times if needed."

It's a tearful love for a hamster. Why are you spending so much money and love on me.

"By the way, you said periodic care."

Kyle pondered for a moment and said,

"I think your skills are good, and since this magical beast will continue to grow, why don't you settle here in the North."

"Here, in the North..."

The veterinarian seemed to have doubted his ears.

It's normal, of course. From the moment he checked on me, Kyle has worn a serious look, he probably can't understand why Kyle wants him to stay.

But maybe it's not a bad suggestion seeing as his face is slightly flushed. Is this guy in the original novel?

[ Veterinarian. Approximately 15 days until the estimated time fo death. ]

Death again? 

'Tell me how he's supposed to die.'

[ Belial's mother, the current empress, Serena Minehardt's old cat fell ill, and this veterinarian wasn't able to treat it, so he was executed immediately after the cat's death. ]

This reason... Is too absurd...

Is a veterinarian a god?

Isn't it common for pets to die of old age? You're killing a man because he couldn't make your cat immortal? She's an empress with no brain ah.

It seems like he used to work in the palace and realized the cat's situation and ran here to the North by joining the procession in disguise of taking care of horses.

If he had a reason to settle down in the North, it would be a great opportunity to save his life. While Kyle was busy paying, the vet's face was turning brighter and brighter.

"Don't worry about money, I'll pay you for treating him."

Money doesn't matter! Promise him you won't kill him even if this hamster dies, you tactless creature!

"Is there anything else you want? I'll negotiate with His Majesty (Belial) if you still have any concerns."

The veterinarian seemed to wonder whether it's better to stay with the royal family or here. Although they seemed like they would both do the same thing, an obese hamster's life expectancy seems to be longer than an old cat's.

"No! I'm honored to stay and be at your service, Your Highness."

There you go!

I went to the edge of Kyle's hand and patted the doctor's arm as a compliment. You made the right decision. This is the way to lengthen your life. 

[ The person who was fated to die is no longer in danger. ]

[ Miracle value has risen! ]

[ Current miracle value is 11.0% ]

Wow, it went up 3% in an instant. Saving people's live is indeed the right way.

My eyes brightened at the realization, if saving a no name character gives 3%, then how much more would I get if I save Kyle!

Add a zero next to the 3 next time, System. Write it big when the time comes.

[ The duration of "Summon" has been increased to 1 hour. ]

The skill which originally lasted for 30 minutes only has been increased twice. It's probably due to the miracle value exceeding 10%.

Alright! I'll get up earlier and eat 30 more fried- ah..... No let's stop eating that. At this rate, I might really forget how to walk.

The hamster's body was too honest. You gain as much weight as you eat. It's fortunate that my human body still stays the same.

"Cashew Nut."

After extending his life expectancy, the vet now has a bright face. However, Kyle still looked gloomy, as if he heard my life was ending soon.

Hey, you punk. It's you who has a month to live, you shouldn't be worrying about me. Technically, I- I'm already dead. I already died so.

..... I need to raise the miracle value, so that both you and I could survive. I have no choice but to trust the system.

"Cashew Nut, you must have heard what the doctor said earlier right?"

Usually, hamsters don't understand people, Your Highness.

"Occasional exercise can lengthen your lifespan."

Kyle put me back in the house and said solemnly.

Ahhh, I don't know. I don't understand. What exercise? I already ran a thousand laps on the wheel, I think that's enough exercise for my whole life. If you want to exercise so bad, do it yourself!

"Hurry up, don't you like this?"

He put the wheel in front of me and began spinning it with his finger while looking at me anxiously. The wheel turned like a Ferris wheel, and it improved my mood. Oh, he's actually good at acting cute, turn it around more!

"Cashew Nut, please."

― Eek! [ Don't wanna! ]

"Just one turn, okay?"

― Squeak! [ You do it yourself! ]

It's annoying, I don't want to exercise. After you sigh, everything you eat is already digested. Didn't you think I'm cute as a chubby hamster? Just accept it!

'By the way, what should I do with Belial.'

Ever since that day they almost fought, Belial hasn't visited the study once.

It's not hard to find out which room he's staying, but I can't get in as a servant. It's no use even if "Summon" lasted for ten hours instead of an hour.

'..... How to prevent the chandelier falling during the banquet.'

Ah, how am I supposed to do this.

I can already feel a headache coming. Mr. System, isn't this too difficult for a hamster to accomplish. Please change the difficulty to beginner mode!

[ _(:3」∠)_  ]

You're just lying down? Fine I'll just lie down as well.

I fell asleep drowsily after watching Kyle acting cute for a long time.

T/N: I'm sorry if the quality of the translation this time is a bit lacking, I'm currently sick, but since I already started translating this chapter, I thought I should just finish it before I let myself rest. Once again tysm to everyone who donated, it is much appreciated!!! novel ⠀✿⠀ next

[rederiswrites]

So ME/CFS (myalgic encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and fibromyalgia are two syndromes (collections of symptoms often found together, with unknown causative mechanisms) with largely overlapping symptoms. They're currently classified as different diagnoses, but there are plenty of people who aren't convinced that they're actually different things. The biggest diagnostic difference seems to be whether the pain or the fatigue is the biggest problem.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who, like me, couldn't possibly say which of those is ruining my life more. I, like many, fulfill all the diagnostic criteria for both. I have the specific patterns of pain and inflammation characteristic of fibro, but I also have the postural orthostatic problems (Stand Up Feel Real Bad disorder) and extreme fatigue of ME/CFS. There's no test; diagnosis is an inherently subjective thing.

This is just gonna keep being about medical problems, so have a cut.

I also have problems that may be related or may be separate or may be part of the constellation of physical issues associated with ADHD, like loose tendons that lead to terrible core strength and janky joints. So while generally the pain spots for fibromyalgia are considered to have no actual material cause, I am pretty sure that my right hip and shoulder are in fact fucked up, and fibro is just making it experientially worse. I've also got a rib that spends more than half its time in just slightly the wrong goddamn place. I have multiple friends who have hypermobility problems that make mine look like a papercut, but combining them with fibro isn't a lot of fun.

A few months back, at my bestie's prompting and with his help, I started eating keto, which is essentially just restricting carbohydrates so harshly that they represent less than 20% (or less than 10%, this seems to be bioindividual) of your diet, at which point your body begins building energy transport molecules out of fat (ketones) instead of glucose. This has a history of treating several conditions (originally, seizures, but now also diabetes and inflammatory conditions), well before it became popular for weight loss.

It was an experiment. Believe me, I have mixed feelings about the fact that it worked. At first, it worked really, really well. I went from mostly bedbound to up and working full days outside. I've started to hit diminishing returns and having to nap more often, but it's still a radical improvement. I just forget how bad it was too fast. I hate how fast we forget how far we've come.

I haven't talking about it though, because I am so conflicted about restrictive diets as a thing. This started as an experiment, and as an experiment I could sell myself on no apples no potatoes no rice no crackers no no no no etc for a few weeks. After a few weeks I could decide whether it was worth it. And now here we are and it works.

But I've gone through So Much food restriction, starting when Phantom was two and we discovered that gluten fucks us both up. Then the Boy was sensitive to so many things as a baby that I cut out the entire Top Eight allergens (let's see, can I remember? Milk, eggs, peanuts, gluten, corn, soy, uhh....others...) for a year while he was nursing. Once you've cut wheat AND eggs AND corn out there is almost no commercial product you can eat and you have to prepare everything from scratch. With a toddler and a baby. I was literally starving. I used a calorie tracker for a while and found that I was nearly a thousand calories short per day, on average. I could barely think.

It's become a huge depression trigger for me. I tell people that my last major depressive episode was triggered by not being able to eat dairy, and I'm not kidding. I'm struggling with it now, too. Most of the time I'm good, but still, despite medication, I get very low and I just want to be able to fucking eat something tasty and comforting and EASY. I just want...cheese and crackers. A whole piece of fruit. A baked potato. Rice with my stir fry. But then I eat too much fucking watermelon and I can tell the difference in my wellbeing the next day.

Food becomes a minefield. Every meal becomes a struggle. You question every bite, every symptom. At least once a day the whole thing is just too annoying and I decide to just not eat, because fuck it. I dunno if it reaches eating disorder levels, but it's certainly maladaptive. I hate that I've gotten here because what you eat actually DOES matter. it's like the question of how you talk yourself out of anxiety when the world is objectively falling apart.

But I can do the things I love. I owe all this garden progress to not having had a glass of juice or a bowl of pasta in four months. Not to mention the abrupt cessation of all my dermatitis problems, frequent "silent" heartburn, a ton of digestive problems, migraines, most headaches, and more. "Nothing is worth risking depression" but is it though?

I'm holding on to the hope that these changes will allow me to heal. That I'll be able to make long-term progress, as many people say they have, and reintroduce restricted foods gradually. That I'll be able to cement the opportunity diet gave me with regular movement and conditioning and slowly claw my way up the spiral.

But on days when I feel like shit anyway, and I can't have some fucking chips about it....yeah. It's not great.

[mywritingonlyfans]

hi, lovely! i don't know if you're still doing the prompts, but i read them all and now i'm obsessed 💫💫 i think 72 and 85 would go really good combined 💝💝

hey babes!! "072: Do you think it's possible that I...might be...pregnant?" and "085: It's 2 am but you're craving cake and we're both up anyways so let's bake in our underwear."

...

Alex had been more of a hindrance than a help, but having him there added to the experience; surely, getting up alone and starting to make a cake by yourself wouldn't be the same. "Here," you whispered, still a bit sleepy. His hands were on your waist, the warm palms inside your unbuttoned white shirt (which obviously belonged to him, not you), and he held you in a tight embrace, with the warmth of his body comforting you all over. As soon as he heard your voice, his tired eyes opened, and he tasted the batter, even though it was still raw.

"I like it, babe," he said with a strong accent, turning his face towards your shoulder for a few kisses. You tried to melt into his body but failed with your mind filled with thoughts. You knew his mind was elsewhere, but he always disguised it well, and seeing him calm made you a little less tense.

"Do you want me to check?" He gradually pulled away, his hands still on you as you finished pouring the cake batter into the pan before placing it in the oven. It was 2 am, and you had woken him up craving chocolate cake. The conversation and insistence had lasted for 40 minutes, and Alex thought it would pass, but now he was convinced that you were pregnant. As soon as you both got up to go to the kitchen, he had told you to take the test first; you had complained about morning sickness yesterday, and Alex couldn't have been more right. You nodded, and Alex chuckled softly, placing you on the edge of the sink counter right after kissing kissing your forehead.

"But don't look without me, just grab it," you gently rubbed his bare shoulders, already missing the closeness of his body to yours. He returned with his finger covering the display of the pregnancy test, getting closer to you. He kissed your face again and let his forehead rest against yours as both of you looked down, avoiding the object in his hands. He slowly moved his fingers aside, and before he could say anything, you couldn't look at him anymore.

"It's negative, right?" he asked, confused, and you chuckled without much humor. "Yes," he took a deep breath, looking as sad as you felt. "Come 'ere," he held your jaw, realizing you were holding back tears, and pulled you closer. He hugged you tightly around the waist and whispered softly, "It's okay, we'll keep trying, right? This isn't the best part, huh?" You laughed, nodding at him. "I love you, okay?" he said gently, kissing your lips and looking sweetly into your teary eyes. "I love you too, so much."

From then on, Alex was the one who took the cake out of the oven and cut a piece for himself while it was still warm. He gave you a bite, and as expected, you only had that one bite and no more. He knew you wouldn't have any more cravings. He finished eating and carried you to bed, your tired and limp body nestling into his like a magnet. He was upset with himself for making you take the test; knowing you, he cloud tell you would have waited for more symptoms to be sure and not be disappointed. He stayed close to you, your fingers entwined in the nape of his hair, and your eyes closed slightly. He held you even closer and kissed your forehead.

"Have you thought that it might be a problem with me? Like with my body?" you looked at him. Alex felt good about you being so open with him; it had always been that way, and he liked the confirmation that you trusted him enough not to deal with your worries alone.

"I don't think so, it's still early," he ran his fingers along your waist, and you felt more comfortable in his arms. "It's only the second test, the chances are very slim," he murmured, and he indeed felt your body relax. "Besides, I won't be doing this if it weren't with you, mommy, so you better be patient." He elicited more laughter from you, and it made him feel lighter. "Are you going to teach him or her to play the guitar and piano? I can't wait to see your hands guiding theirs," you said simply, and Alex sighed thoughtfully, ready for that enchantment you always had before going to sleep, and little by little, it seemed to be getting closer to that moment.

The next morning, when he wasn't directly sleeping or fully awake, just basking in the gentle sunlight on his body, he allowed himself to open his eyes again when he felt your weight on top of him. As he adjusted to the light slowly, he could see your radiant smile in front of him.

"I'm pregnant," he still seemed distorted. "You're what?" he furrowed his brow, forming that lovely wrinkle between them. You kissed his face multiple times, and he swore that your face brightened even more with each touch of your lips. He held your face close to his, analyzing each of your features as if it could be a joke.

"I took the test again, the previous one gave a false negative," you bit your lip, trying to contain your laughter, and he hugged you tightly against his chest. "You were right, Al." And as he pulled you in for another kiss, his eyes were filled with tears. "Oh no, you're crying?" you chuckled lightly, watching him wipe his eyes and laugh even more. He kissed your cheek again and caressed your lower belly, as if in that short time, there could already be something there.

"You make me the happiest person in the world, you know that?" his voice was calm, cautious, as if he were still processing all of it, and you understood, you were feeling the same way. "I don't feel much different from you." You held each other tighter, completely engrossed in each other's pure comfort.

"I think I want the cake now."

[spicymayo1983]

Hiya. This is chapter 13. You return to Yavin 4 where Poe has a surprise planned for you.

As your pregnancy advances you couldn't be more uncomfortable.

Warnings, angst, XXX smut, female ejaculation, pregnancy, pregnant sex, not for anyone under 18.

Yavin 4

Poe's big surprise was an elopement to your lush, jungle covered homeland.

Neither one of you wanted a large ceremony or reception, it felt inappropriate to you.

You did, however, want to wear your mother's wedding dress.

The morning of the ceremony feels bittersweet. With tears in your eyes you twirl around in front of a mirror, wearing the stunning white gown that your beautiful mother had worn decades earlier.

It fit you like a glove, no alterations were needed. It looked like it was brand new too.

Deep down, you always knew that this day would come, and that your husband would be Poe Dameron.

It was written in the stars, it was your destiny. He was your soulmate, after all.

You were going to have a few kids and live a comfortable, happy life as husband and wife.

It seemed like a fairytale, "seemed".

The only thing missing were your parents. You had always assumed that they would be there.

You felt like you had taken their existence for granted. You still felt like you could've done more to be there for your terminally ill mother in her final years.

You struggle to push aside these negative thoughts as you admire yourself in the mirror with a hint of a smile on your face, Poe was right, you were starting to show just a teeny bit.

"Baby, I hope you're doing well". You tell your unborn child as you lovingly pat your belly. "Mommy and daddy just want to hold you, we love you so much".

The ceremony was held at the ancient temple that you had both spent your formidable years exploring. It was a familiar place with many memories for you. There were only 3 other people there besides you and Poe.

Your best friend, his father Kes and the justice of the peace that was officiating the ceremony.

Poe looked devastatingly handsome in his dress uniform. His face was shaved smooth (but in less than a week you knew he would have a full beard) and his thick, curly hair was styled neatly.

He looked better than a fairytale prince. You couldn't believe that this stunning man was going to be your husband for the rest of your life.

He took one look at you, in your mother's gown, and tears immediately began to well in his velvety brown eyes.

"You're so beautiful, oh my gods". He whispers into your ear.

After exchanging your vows the two of you run off to your honeymoon.

Your honeymoon is scaled down but still very romantic. A beautiful tent had been set up at the edge of the rainforest.

Maybe it's the euphoria of your wedding day but you actually didn't feel like death that evening.

You've been intimate with Poe many times but that night it feels different. You're preparing to make love to your husband and the father of your child.

The two of you slowly, teasingly remove each other's clothing. As Poe kissed and nibbled on your neck he whispered into your ear,

"Lay on your back".

With a smile on your face you follow his command and relax on your back.

He knew that your breasts were still extremely tender so he wanted to do something to make you feel better.

Poe's rough hands on the silky skin of your tender, engorged breasts felt divine. He began to gently massage them in a circular motion, leaning down to suck on your sensitive, darkened nipples lovingly.

With a content sigh you spread your legs wide, revealing your silken folds glistening from arousal.

It didn't take long for his head to find it's way to your sweet spot. Before Poe started to eat you out he stopped and planted a series of soft, fluttering kisses on your lower belly, right where your baby is growing.

The sensation of his full, sensual lips tickled, the gesture itself was so soft and beautiful.

The skin on his face felt unbelievably soft and smooth.

Poe was giving your baby their very first kisses from daddy.

You, on the other hand, receive very different kisses.

He absolutely devours your pussy, licking, sucking, tongue fucking you until you writhe and scream in absolute orgasmic bliss.

You experience a gushing, squirting orgasm all over his handsome face.

Poe closes his eyes and licks his lips, enjoying the taste of your warm, salty fluids.

"That is literally the hottest fucking thing ever". He tells you with a slight laugh as he positions himself on top of you and penetrates your soaking wet hole with one swift movement of his hips.

Poe's cock feels especially large and hard that night as he's making love to you.

Your erect clit brushes against the thick, dark hair surrounding his the top of his shaft, making you curse under your breath.

His balls were soaked in your juices too. You already had no problem getting wet but being pregnant intensified everything.

Your pussy is gripped onto his perfect cock as you experience an out of this world, g-spot orgasm.

Poe cums deep inside of you, you can feel his cock tense up and release.

The rest of your wedding night is spent relaxing and talking about the future.

Mainly the arrival of your baby, both of you are convinced that your little one will be a boy.

"I'm terrified". You tell him with a slight laugh. "Not about giving birth or anything but what life will be like once he's here".

"I'm just thinking about the day when I can start giving him flying lessons". Poe tells you with a slight smile as he leans over and kisses your belly.

"Ugh, only you would say something like that". You tease, laughing and rolling your eyes a little.

"I can't believe you got pregnant the first time we had sex in 20 years". He continues, smiling. "I've never gotten anyone pregnant before, well, to my knowledge I haven't".

"It's been a roller-coaster ride so far and I'm just slightly over the 8 week mark". You explain, smiling softly. "I hope things smooth out a little".

Six months later

You are now nearly 8 months pregnant with your first child.

Just as you had both suspected you were having a little boy. He was strong, healthy and extremely active in the womb.

Poe loved to talk to your belly and kiss it. He also loved to feel every kick and movement.

You just knew that he was going to be gorgeous like his father.

You've experienced the gamut of pregnancy symptoms and couldn't wait for it to all be over with.

Weight gain (50 lbs) a sore back, swollen feet, mood swings, sore, leaking breasts, you've experienced it all.

Poe was on paid paternal leave but he was on standby in case him and the black squadron were needed in combat.

He's been caring for you, cooking, giving you massages and even helping you bathe.

All while he dealt with the burns on his body, which had, at long last, healed.

Your sex drive has been through the roof too. Despite the discomfort you're experiencing in late term pregnancy you've never wanted Poe sexually more in your entire life.

He's more than happy to indulge you too. Mainly he's been pleasuring you orally because intercourse was just too awkward.

Poe was indeed the perfect husband and was going to be an even better father. He was caring, considerate and totally devoted to you and his child.

It's late, and you are two days past your due date. Both of you have been discussing ways to jump start labor, sex being your last option.

Side by side with shallow penetration was your only option, his penis was too long to penetrate you fully because of your sensitive cervix.

Poe had to insert himself carefully, inch by inch, it felt like absolute torture.

You're able to take 6 inches, but you can tell as he's thrusting that he's frustrated that he can't be fully inside of you.

"Fuck it, go deep". You beg him, as his thick cock stretches your sensitive, wet walls.

"Are you sure? I don't want to hurt the baby". Poe replied as he kissed you on the neck.

"If anything it might send the kid a message to get out". You tell him with a laugh.

Poe indulges your whim and carefully slides fully inside of you, immediately his large cock hits your cervix but instead of pain you feel intense pleasure.

"Oh gods that feels incredible!" You moan, closing your eyes and biting your lip. "Don't stop, go harder".

He thrusts hard into you, as you cum hard your wet pussy grips his cock and you squirt all over him.

"Wow". Poe gasps as he's drenched in your fluids. "That will never not be the hottest thing ever".

Your own climax triggers his, he's filled you with a huge load, so much so that you can feel it run out of you.

Afterwards, as Poe cuddles you nude, you laugh a little and say,

"This kid needs to get the message and get out already, I'm not kidding anymore".

"He'll be out when he's ready". Poe replies back quickly as he kisses you.

Poe was joking but you really weren't. You couldn't wait for the pregnancy to go ahead and be over with..

End of chapter 13

[shasta627]

Ship Appreciation Week Day 4: OTP ft. Gababel

So I realize Ship Appreciation week on Discord ended a few days ago, but because my profs like to give abundant amounts of homework, I haven’t been able to work on anything fandom related and am just now getting around to posting content. So without further do, here’s my late Valentine’s Day fic (inspired by a discussion I had with my gal @lovelyrugbee) about my favorite ship 😜

~♡~

The first wave of nausea hit before Isabel had even opened her eyes.

Her head was spinning the moment she sat up, and as soon as her feet hit the ground it was a race to the bathroom before her stomach decided to empty the contents of last night's supper out onto the floor. She reached the edge of the bathtub just in time to avoid having to clean up another revolting mess, unlike the first time this had happened.

Once her stomach had stopped flipping and trying to jump out of her throat, Isabel lifted a shaky hand to wipe her mouth, leaning back on the floor and resting her head against the cool wall.

She’d been getting sick like this for nearly a week now. At first she thought it was just a stomach bug, maybe food poisoning at the most, but other than the occasional dizziness, fatigue, and strange aversion to the smell of cheese, she was completely normal.

Well, except for the vomiting almost every morning.  

Isabel squeezed her eyes closed and tried to take a deep breath. Her stomach started turning again, but this time it wasn’t from the nausea. She knew the symptoms all too well, having read so much about them plus watching her sister go through it three times. The dizziness, tiredness, queasiness, late cycle, aching skin… Isabel had it all.

She took another deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth, she recited to herself, trying to calm her internal turmoil at the inevitable truth of what she was experiencing.

She tried to convince herself that she wasn’t pregnant. She couldn’t be pregnant. She wasn’t ready to have kids yet. She and Gabe had only been married for one month, and had been taking precautions against this very thing. How could this happen? Why was this happening? And to her, of all people?

Isabel furiously blinked her eyes, turning her gaze towards the ceiling as her hand subconsciously rested on her flat stomach. It wasn't that she didn't want kids, but there were so many things going on in her life, she didn't know if she could handle the responsibility of being a mother on top of it all.

Or if she would even be a good mother.

A small sob escaped Isabel's lips and the tears came soon after, painting her cheeks with wet streaks. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself, all her fears of being a parent finally bubbling up and spilling over the edge.

Ask her about the inverse function of the quadratic formula or the angle of the sun during the summer solstice and she could formulate the answer in a heartbeat. But when it came to raising kids? She could read every book on parenting ever written but still not know a clue about how to be a mother. It wasn't a skill she could study; it wasn't a problem she could solve with a little science, math, and ingenuity—and it truly terrified her.

And what would Gabe think?

The thought brought on a whole new onslaught of worries. It was always right after he left for his Captain of the Guard duties that she ended up getting sick, so he still had no clue about her predicament. Would he be disappointed? Happy? They had both agreed on having kids someday, but what was he going to think about having them so soon?

Stop worrying, this is ridiculous! Isabel mentally berated herself, hating at how pitiful and selfish she was acting, but the thought of her pathetic behavior only distressed her more, and she couldn't help but cry harder.

Her emotional breakdown lasted for only a minute before she heard the door to the bedroom open, and then it was only a matter of seconds before Gabe rushed into the bathroom, his expression panicked.

“Isa!” he exclaimed in concern, dropping to the floor beside her. “Isa what's wrong? Are you hurt? What happened?” He ran his hands over her, as though checking for wounds before he noticed the vomit still in the bathtub. “Oh, cariña, are you sick?”

Isabel shook her head no, then nodded, then shook her head again. She swiped furiously at her tears and tried to compose herself. “I'm—I'm fine,” she lied. She wasn't expecting him to find her like this, and wasn't sure if she was ready to tell him. She was still having trouble accepting it all herself.

But of course Gabe could tell something was off with her. He gently tucked her hair behind her ears and brushed away a few remnant tears. “Isa, what's wrong?” His voice still contained a hint of panic. “How sick are you?”

Isabel's stomach was turning with uncertainty. She had to tell him eventually, but was now the time? She evaded the question by asking him one instead. “What're you doing back here? I thought you left for work.”

“I did, but then forgot I was taking some new recruits out on horseback today and came back to our room to get my riding boots and heard you crying. Now Isa, please, what's wrong? Do I need to call a doctor?” He stood up as though he was going to run off and do just that.

Isabel quickly got to her feet and shook her head furiously, which then brought on another wave of nausea. She fell back onto the ground and threw up into the bathtub again, Gabe holding back her hair and gently rubbing her back the whole time. When she was done she gratefully accepted the clean towel he gave her to wipe her face, and then before she could think she blurted out, “I'm pregnant.”

Both of them froze at her words. Isabel bit her lip as she watched his face morph from confusion to pure shock.

“For—for real?” He finally managed to say, his eyes as wide as saucers. “You're, you're…” he trailed off as his eyes landed on her stomach, as though he'd be able to see a baby bump already.

“Yes,” Isabel confirmed, and then burst into tears again.

Gabe looked thoroughly alarmed at her reaction, but gently took her by the arm and led her out of the bathroom and to the edge of their bed. “Hey, hey, what's wrong? Isa, this is….amazing! Why are you upset?”

“Because we're not ready!” she tried to explain, cursing her wayward emotions. “We had a plan! Wait two years then we'd have kids. And this—this isn't going to plan! It's sudden and unpredictable and, and…” Isabel swallowed and took a deep breath, trying to steady her voice. “Gabe...I’m scared. What if I'm a horrible mom?” she admitted, meeting his eyes and revealing to him her most vulnerable fear.

“Isabel…” Gabe began, his voice soft and reassuring. He stepped forward to completely envelope her in his strong, secure arms, and Isabel sank into the hug, burying her face in his chest and squeezing him as tight as she could. She felt him press a kiss onto her hair, and the deep rumble in his chest as he spoke comforted her. “It’s natural to be scared, but don't think for a single moment that you're going to be a horrible mom.”

“But I already am,” she whispered, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. “What kind of mother has an emotional breakdown at the realization that she's pregnant? I should be overjoyed, but I'm not because apparently all I can do is worry about myself!” she quietly sobbed, her voice muffled into Gabe's shirt. Though just saying the words and admitting to him her darkest thoughts offered her a bit of relief from the guilt that had been building up inside her all morning. She just hoped he wouldn't think too ill of her at her divulgence.

Gabe tightened his arms around her and began gently stroking her back. “Mi cielito, that doesn't make you a terrible mother—it makes you human,” Gabe assured, slightly pulling away and tilting her chin up so she could look him in the eye. “It's natural to be scared, but just because you're concerned about yourself and the future doesn't mean you'll love our child any less.”

He smiled widely, his eyes suddenly shining. “Our child,” he repeated softly, cupping her face with his hands. “Our child, Isa, we're—we're going to be parents!”

His excitement was infectious, and Isabel felt some of her apprehensions slowly fade away.

“Yeah, we are,” she quietly agreed. “But...what if something goes wrong with the pregnancy? What if I mess something up? What if—”

Her questions were cut off by Gabe’s lips pressed against her own. When he finally drew away he gently caressed her cheek, his forehead still pressed against hers. “It's okay. I'm scared too,” he told her. “But I promise, we're going to do this together. You won't be alone, mi amada. I'll be with you every step of the way.” He was staring at her with such a tender, affectionate expression, Isabel couldn't help but blush.

“Okay,” she said, more to reassure herself than to him, but he kissed her again anyway, an ardent kiss full of passion and happiness and excitement and every other unspoken emotion the two of them were experiencing.

“I love you,” Gabe whispered once they parted, planting a soft kiss on her cheek. “I love you,” he said again, kissing her nose this time. He proceeded to pepper kisses all across her face, and by the fifth ‘I love you,’ Isabel found herself grinning from ear to ear. Tears still coursed down her cheeks, but now they were from anticipation and happiness rather than just fear.

Gabe was right. She shouldn't worry so much. Sure, they were both scared and new to it all, but they would surely have help from Elena and everyone else to give them support.

They were in this together. Plan or no plan, as long as Gabe was by her side, she realized everything was going to be alright.

~♡~

8 Months Later…

“Twins! Twins! Who would've thought?” Elena quietly exclaimed in amusement as she stood with Mateo by the doorway. Both of them were watching Gabe and Isabel with fond expressions, remembering exactly what it was like to be parents for the first time.

Gabe was curled up next to Isabel on the bed, one arm wrapped around her shoulders while the other cradled a small bundle of blankets to his chest. Isabel was holding a similar bundle as she leaned into her husband's embrace, both of them completely enraptured by their two new baby boys, Dante and Damian.  

Mateo draped his arms around Elena from behind and rested his chin on top of her head, smiling at the happy couple. “If anyone can handle twins, it'll be them,” he reassured her with confidence.

Elena watched as Gabe leaned over to press an affectionate kiss to Isabel's forehead, quietly whispering to her before they shared a teary smile, turning back to gaze at their newborns with looks of pure love and adoration.

“Yeah,” she agreed, leaning back into Mateo's arms with a teary smile of her own. “They're going to be just fine.”

[scripttorture]

In your review of Captain America: TWS, you pointed out that you can't use torture to make a person do something they'd be morally opposed to, and I'm concerned that I might be doing something similar here. I have a character who was raised in an institution under the constant threat of execution until he was drafted into the military, where he was terrorized into killing people the same way before ultimately escaping. How would this play out so I don't repeat what TWS did wrong?

Firstly thank you for reaching out. I know that this is a reallydifficult subject to research.

 I think the first question you need to ask is how opposed is yourcharacter to killing?

 Don't go with the instinctive 'well of course he's opposed to killingeveryone is!'. Unless your character is a pacifist and would consistently arguethat it's preferable to die than kill chances are they're not strongly opposedto killing per-say they're opposed to killing particular people underparticular circumstances in particular ways.

 There is a difference between someone being absolutely andwhole-heartedly opposed to something and someone who... can be coerced orconvinced into going 'against' their beliefs because they're not reallystrongly held beliefs.

 I think I'd probably best illustrate that with an example. In 'Nonviolence: The History of a DangerousIdea' Kurlansky describes multiple occasions of pacifists approaching armedsoldiers and using their bodies as human shields.

 In one example he describes a Pashtun boy who followed Bacha Khan’steachings walking up to a British soldier and asking to be shot. The Britishsoldier shot him dead.

 In another example he describes a Roman man, conscripted into the army,telling his superior officer that as a Christian he refused to kill anotherhuman being. The officer ordered him to walk unarmed in front of the othertroops as they went into battle. He did and was killed.

 Is your character this opposed to killing? Or even this opposed tokilling in the manner the army in your setting wants him to?

 If he really is utterly and wholeheartedly opposed to it then nothing canforce him to change his mind.

 But usually, for most characters and things we write about, that isn’tthe case. That gives you some room to play with and some options.

 I think part of this also comes down to how you’re using torture in yourstory: if it’s just a short cut to getting a character to change their mind then…wellthat might not be torture apologia but it is a bit of a sloppy handling of a sensitivetopic.

 Torturehas long term effects on victims, the majority of victims will be livingwith symptoms for the rest of their lives. That’s doesn’t mean that they can’t go on to lead full and happy livesbut torture- well O’Mara argues that the structural changes to the brain itcauses amount to brain damage.

 I think that portraying torture as if it’s ‘just’ the physical pain avictim experiences in that moment downplays the damage it causes.

 So if you decide torture isright for your story then I’d strong recommend you look at the link above andpick out some symptoms for your character. We can’t predict which symptoms anindividual survivor will experience, so I suggest picking them based on whatyou feel fits the story and character.

 Given that this takes place over a much longer time period then mostattacks I’d suggest slightly more symptoms in this case, 4-6.

 Memory problems are incredibly common in torture survivors, but rarelyshown in fiction so I tend to encourage people to use them. The most commontypes are general forgetfulness (difficulty keeping appointments, findingthings etc), false memories (often of torture or events chronologically closeto it), missing memories (usually notof torture itself but of events shortly before or after) and intrusive memories(constantly being reminded of and going over details of the traumatic event).

 Addiction problems and PTSD are probably among the more common symptomsgiven to fictional male soldiers. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use them if you feel they fit but if you want to dosomething a little different you might want to avoid them.

 And torture doesn't just affect the victims. Torturers tend to developexactly the same sorts of symptoms as victims do over time. Torture also has apronounced negative effect on organisations in general. It causes organisationsto fracture into sub-factions and can actually get bad enough that in onemilitary organisation (in Brazil) people who were nominally on the same sidestarted kliling each other. Having torture as part and parcel of amilitary-like organisation means a much less effective organisation: one with alot of people suffering from serious mental and physical health issues, a poorchain of command (torturers tend to ignore orders), factionalism that can leadto brutal violence and incredibly bad moral.

 Showing all the long term effects of torture (if you want it to be partof your story) is a good start.

 I keep stressing that you don't have to use torture because I want toemphasise that it's not your only option. There are quite a few realisticoptions open to you and (I know it's taken a while but-) I think I've finallygot through the background information so I'll try to cover as many of them asI can think of now.

 What I’m trying to do here is give you as muchchoice as possible so you can find something that fits your story.

 I think if you want to make this primarily about the character’smoral/ethical development then taking torture (at least the torture of the MC)out of the story might improve it. In this scenario don’t include any form of overt ‘force’ or threat to make the characterkill or otherwise act immorally. Instead show the kind of pressure he’d beunder to act that way: how it gets soldiers praise from their superiors and(possibly) material rewards. Show how speaking against it leads to socialisolation and how trying to actagainst it risks severe military punishments. Show an organisation that’s builtaround encouraging this character to act in ways he’s uncomfortable with.

 And show how he steps away from that. Show how difficult that is, how itcuts him off from any friends he has in the military and how his superiorsattempt to punish him for it.

 If you wished to you could then include some form of torture as a ‘punishment’which would then strengthen the character’s resolve and his opposition to themilitary.

 Another possible realistic option is to show a military organisationthat’s starting to fracture because of torture. Your character, as a ‘good guy’,as someone who’s uncomfortable with killing and (presumably) against torture-well if he got transferred into a unit that contained torturers he’d be atarget.

 Most of the time in the early stages they use bullying tactics, they tryto use social pressure to make the person quit or transfer. I’ve also heard ofsoldiers being ordered on suicide missions.

 If the character persists and if he tries to reform things, if hecomplains and refuses to participate- he might end up getting tortured. Againthis would probably strengthen his opposition to the entire military and hisdrive to escape.

 Another option would be writing the character going into this situationbelieving that the military is always right. If he was raised in the sort ofinstitution that usually feeds into the military then he may well have beenraised to believe that the military does these things for good reason and they’regood people and all of this brutality ‘works’.

 Then of course he actually does it. And it’s terrible and it affects himdeeply.

 He’d struggle with guilt and doubt and self loathing. He’d probably feelthat he was as guilty as everyone else (indeed he is) but the difference wouldbe that torture ends up driving him away from the military.

 Going back to the fracturing effects torturers have on organisations-One of the things torturers sometimes do with new recruits is…essentiallyexpose them to torture in ways that are potentially incriminating. They makethe recruit feel that if they tried to report the incident they’d be seen asjust as guilty as the torturers.

 I’m going to use waterboarding as an example- Say one of the othercharacters passes by and says ‘oh by the way the Sargent wants you to bring abucket of water down to room 2B’. Your character probably assumes he’s supposedto clean the room. He arrives, opens the door, and sees a victim tied to a board,feet raised in the air, hood over their head. He’d probably freeze, that wouldbe a normal response. One of the torturers takes the bucket and pours it overthe victim’s head. They make an awful sound. Your character might run away, ortry to have it out with the torturers, but sooner or later when he thinks aboutprotesting someone will say ‘but you brought the bucket!’

 Torturers use these sorts of tactics to prevent people reporting thembut they also use them to try and pressure new recruits into joining them.

 This approach actually avoids torture per-say. It’s mostly about socialpressure and again, only works if your character isn’t extremely opposed to the idea.

 They bully. They harass. They keep the character isolated. Theybasically make his life as miserable as possible until he gives in to theirdemands.

 These sorts of tactics can and have driven people to suicide.

 Another option is the ‘ICURE’ pattern of psychological manipulation:Isolate the person, Control their access to information, plant Uncertaintyabout prior beliefs, use Repetition to reinforce the beliefs and values theorganisation wants to instil, and manipulate Emotions in order to furtherreinforce those values. In something like a military organisation it’s veryeasy to….use these sorts of manipulation techniques to try and change thebeliefs of recruits into something deemed more favourable.

 These techniques can be used to gradually change people’s opinions andbeliefs. If you wanted to you could show your character being manipulated usingthese techniques and how these social pressures could drive him to do awfulthings under orders.

 If you wanted to you could then use torture as a traumatic incident thatdrives the character to break away from the military. Or you could just havehim witness atrocity after atrocity, showing how that wears him down until hedecides the military is the problem.

 You could also use something close to your original scenario, with atoxic environment full of torturers and a real threat of torture scaring the character into short term compliance.

 But the problem with that is it really is short term and shallow and it only seems to work for relativelysimple actions. The more complex something is the more likely a character whois under duress will mess it up (either on purpose or because they’re morelikely to be highly distressed and not concentrating on their work). If yourplan was the have the character stay in this military organisation for years,doing these things repeatedly, then- well the longer he’s forced the stay in anenvironment like that the more likely he’d; commit suicide, escape, attack oneof the torturers/ranking officers, refuse orders or do something obviouslytreasonous.

 Hopefully one of these scenarios fits reasonably with your story. Thereare a lot more possibilities, and I could keep writing but without moreinformation on the story I’m not sure if it would be helpful.

 So if I haven’t covered whatyou want please send in another ask when the box is open. Take up as many asksas you like.

 I hope this helps. :)

Disclaimer

[whumppile]

I'm ecstatic that you are writing spider-man fics now! I am obsessed with tiny, adorable Peter and of course dad!Tony. Could you do one where Tony has to take sick Peter to a doctor (or bring a doctor to the tower for Peter) but Peter is terrified of doctors because of bad experiences and in his confused state of mind thinks he's being punished/hurt? Thank you!

I’m so sorry this took so long, but it’s finally done and I’ll hopefully be posting some more prompt fills soon. please tell me what you think? I know this one isnt very good but I hope you like it anyway, I kind of based it on the same timeline as my other spider-man fic “I’m sorry, Tony.” So that I could have an excuse as to why he was so afraid of doctors. Anyway thank you so much for the prompt!! It’s called “Fevers, fears, and falls.” 

Peter’s head pounded with each heartbeat, as he swung acrossrooftops. He’d been feeling sick all day, and everyone had told him he shouldgo home, but he was Spider-Man, he couldn’t just take days off.

Ned had been particularly worried, urging him not to go tohis usual after school, extra-curricular activities.

“You’re sick! You shouldn’t even be in class, you can’t gofight crime like this! You could get hurt.” His concerned eyes and quiet wordshad almost convinced Peter to go home, but the thought of someone needing help,while he was slacking off, was intolerable.

He remembered his words to Tony, that first time they met,about why he had become Spider-Man.

“When you can do the things that I can, but you don’t, andthen the bad things happen…they happen because of you.”

He couldn’t let anyone get hurt just because he was feelinga little under the weather. So, there he was, swinging around and pretending hedidn’t want to go to bed.

He crawled up the side of a building and perched on awindowsill as he rubbed at his temples through his mask. Why couldn’t his damnheadache just go away? He had stuff to do, he didn’t have time to be sick.

Karen’s calm voice came to Peter’s ears, quieter than usual,so as not to worsen his already sore head. She was great like that.

“Your temperature just rose by another degree. If itcontinues, it will be classed as a fever and I will have to inform Mr Stark.”

The teenager groaned and fired another web to the nextbuilding. “Don’t call him, I’m fine. I’m just going to do a quick round of thecity to make sure everything’s okay and then I’ll go home.”

He stumbled a little as he got to his feet, and steadiedhimself on the webs he’d placed, before taking a breath and swinging off.

It was harder to focus with a pounding head, and the clammyhot-cold feeling he had over his whole body, but he continued none the less.

It was a quiet afternoon, with only a few minor incidents tohelp with. Peter stopped a mugger before a punch was landed, and returned thestolen bag, as well as helped a class of kids cross the street. The teacher hadbeen very grateful and a few of the kids had clung to his legs and demandedthey were in love with him. That had cheered him up a bit and he didn’t feel souseless.  

But the longer he was out, the worse he felt, and prettysoon he didn’t even have the energy for web slinging.

His head was swirling and it was getting harder to thinkstraight. He wasn’t even sure where he was in the city now, standing on theedge of a building with his fingers pressing to his temples in a furtherattempt to soothe his splitting headache.

Karen’s voice seemed a little further away and swirly thanit had a minute ago.

“Peter, your fever is continuing to rise. I think I shouldcall Mr Stark now.”

The teenager tried to reply but all that came out was amoan, and his head spun further. Having dizzy spells really wasn’t a good ideawhen you were so high up, as Peter was. His vision blurred and his feetstumbled, and he fell.

Karen’s voice called his name, quick and panicked, and Petertried to save himself before he splattered on the concrete. He fired a web andheld on, but it was too late, the web slowed his decent but he still hit theground hard, landing heavily on his left arm.

He thought he heard, and felt, a snap but everything fadedaway to black when his head smacked the ground.

Karen’s voice pulled Peter back to the world of the livingas she called his name.

“Peter, you’re injured. I’m going to call for help.”

The teenager groaned and opened his eyes, blinking to try,and clear his blurry vision, letting out a cry as his broken arm moved.

“No, ugh….don’t call him. I’m fine.”

Calling options flittered across Peter’s vision as Karenselected an emergency call to Mr Stark. Peter was more awake now, and held hisarm carefully to his chest as he tried to talk the AI out of being a tattletale.

“No, no, no, Karen. Don’t call him! I’m fine, I’ll- heyyyyMr Stark.” He sighed and clenched his eyes shut, where he was laying on thecold hard ground.

Tony’s voice was quick and worried.

“Peter? What’s going on, are you okay? F.R.I.D.A.Y said thiswas an emergency call.”

The kid in question tried to keep his voice steady as heslowly sat up, holding his arm to his chest and attempting to get to his feet.He could walk home, and he’d be fine. He stumbled, almost falling over beforehe’d even managed a few steps.

“No, I’m okay. It was a false…hmm…false alarm?” His voicewas shaky and high pitched, and he hadn’t been able to hold back his whimper.

Tony’s voice was harder now, sounding angry. “Don’t lie tome, Peter. If you’re hurt or in trouble, you need to tell me so I can help.”

Karen’s voice came through, bright and efficient, as Petertried his best to stop her.

“Shall I list his symptoms? He’s been experiencing-“

The teenager quickly tried to interrupt, but her voicecontinued and Tony sounded angrier by the second.

“No, don’t tell him! Karen, shut up!”

“Peter!”

Karen carried on as Peter groaned in annoyance. “He’s had asteadily rising fever since this morning, which now stands at 105 degrees. He’salso been experiencing nausea and dizzy spells, which I believe were the causefor his fall.”

Peter winced as Tony’s voice grew to a yell. “You fell?!”

He tried to explain himself, or at least deescalate thesituation, but it seemed like Karen was intent on ratting him out.

“It wasn’t that bad-“

“His left radius is broken. He also sustained a blow to thehead and was unconscious for three point five seconds.”

Peter groaned, over the sound of engines starting on Tony’send of the phone.

“Ugh Karen, stop.”

Tony sounded so angry, his voice quick and hot as he spoketo Peter.

“I’m coming to get you, don’t move. And we will talk aboutyou lying to me.”

He hung up, and Peter sighed, finding a step to sit on inthe alleyway he was hiding out in. He had never felt more like a child beingtold off by a parent, than he did at that moment, and Karen remained guiltilysilent.

“Why’d you have to tell him? He’s so mad at me now.”

Karen’s voice was calm. “It is in my programming to keep yousafe, and report your activates to Mr Stark. He wants to take care of you, andyou should let him.”

God, what a mess. Tony was going to be so mad at him, andhe’d probably get grounded or something. How was he supposed to explain this tohis Aunt?

‘Hey, I fell off a building but it’s okay I just broke abone or two.’ She was going to lose her mind and he’d never be able to leavethe house again.

It didn’t take long for Tony to find his young ward, andPeter looked up at him as he came storming down the alleyway.

Tony couldn’t breathe properly, his chest constricting withworry as he took in the slumped, dirty form of Peter, sitting on a step withhis arm pressed firmly to his chest.

His mask was off and he looked pale, save for the flush offever across his cheeks and the blooming bruise across his forehead.

Tony ran over to the kid and took hold of his shoulders,looking him over for damage. Peter winced slightly at the touch on his arm, andTony quickly moved his hands to Peter’s face, cupping his jaw and brushing backhis hair to look in his eyes.

“Are you okay? Are you, all right? Look at me, Peter!” Hisface was creased in concern, making Peter feel guilty.

The teenager sighed, voice quiet. “I’m okay, Tony.”

Mr Stark sighed in relief and let go of the kid, clenchinghis hands into fists as he stood. He sounded angry again, and Peter kept his eyeson the ground.

“Why would you try and keep this from me? Why would you goout when you’re sick and not want to tell me when you needed help? You couldhave been seriously hurt! You’re lucky it’s just a broken arm and not a crackedopen skull!”

Peter was finding it hard to keep himself together. He wasso tired, and he felt awful. He just wanted the pain to stop, and he wanted togo to bed.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t handleit.”

Tony yelled again, and while Peter knew it was just becausehe was worried, it still made him want to cry.

“You don’t have to handle anything Peter, you’re a kid andyou’re sick and you need to see a doctor. Come on, I’m taking you to thehospital.”

That got the teenagers attention. His head snapped up tolook at Tony, his eyes wide and scared.

“No, I’m fine. I don’t need to go, I’ll go home and-“

“Your arm is broken and you have a fever, you can’t go homelike this. We’re going, Peter, so do what you’re told and let’s go.”

The teenager shook his head, getting unsteadily to his feetas he tried to back away from the other man. Tony frowned in confusion at theresponse from the kid; he looked terrified.

“No, Mr Stark. Please don’t make me go. I’m sorry I didn’ttell you right away, just please don’t make me go. I can’t- there’s too muchthere and-”

Tony raised his hands, trying to calm the kid down before hefull on panicked. He slowly came and took his good shoulder. “Hey, calm down,it’s okay. Just breathe and tell me what’s wrong. Why don’t you want to go?Your arm must really hurt, don’t you want it fixed?”

Peter’s breaths came shaky, and his eyes were a littleunfocused, worrying Tony further. Maybe he shouldn’t have yelled.

“My senses just make everything so intense, and hospitalsalways smell so bad. It’s sharp and awful and the lights are so bright it hurtsmy head. My spider senses just go crazy, everyone there is hurt or dying and Ican feel it coming its…It’s scary. I can’t go, please don’t make me.”

Peter groaned again, letting out a whimper as he held hisbroken arm close. The poor kid felt horrible and it was getting harder to keepcalm.

Tony felt guilty for yelling at him, watching as Peter kepthis face low, and tried to wipe his eyes without the other man noticing.

Tony gently wrapped an arm around him, guiding him back tothe step and sitting down, keeping his voice low and soft as he tried toreassure him.

“Okay, you don’t have to go to a hospital. I’m sorry foryelling before, I just can’t have you lying to me. I have to know I can trustyou; I have to know you’re okay. Do you understand?”

Peter sniffed again and nodded, leaning a little into Tony’sshoulder, probably without realising. He was so tired.

Tony sighed in relief. What was he going to do with thiskid?

“Okay…I know you don’t want to see any doctors, but youstill need to get checked out, so I’ll take you to the Avenger’s tower. I havea team of people there that can help, and you don’t even have to go to themedical wing to see them, I’ll have them come up to your room.”

Peter didn’t want to go at all, but…

“Wait, I have a room? At the Avengers tower.”

Tony looked down at him, frowning. “Well, yeah I set it upfor you in case you wanted to join the Avengers or… I don’t know wanted to moveout of your aunts. There’s some pretty cool stuff in there, I think you’ll likeit. Of course, Vision is still figuring out the walls and doors rules, but youget used to him.”

Peter rubbed his eyes again with his good hand, as Tonygently helped him to his feet and led him to the waiting car. Happy didn’tcomment as Tony slid Peter into the back and did his seat belt for him.

“Happy, take us home. Hey, don’t fall asleep yet, okay Pete?You hit your head, so we gotta get that checked before you go taking any naps.”

Peter didn’t say much on the drive there, just stared outthe window and tried to keep his arm still.

He was so worn out when they got there, that Tony kept ahand on his back as he led him inside, taking him straight up to his room,which was pretty freaking cool.

Peter’s energy came back in a second as he took in his room.It was amazing, there was a huge bed, and shelves full of books and movies andgames, but best of all was a lab! Connected to his room! Tony smiled proudly asPeter took a look around, smiling at the computers and hardware set up for himto tinker with.

“Woah, this is awesome.”

“I thought you could make your webs here, since you usuallydo it in class. This way you won’t get caught. There’s some other stuff too, soyou can keep building your computers and what not.”

Peter almost forgot about how crap he was feeling, lookingaround at everything that Tony had done for him.

Tony, always being a little overprotective, gently placedhis hands at Peter’s back, leading him to a chair.

“Here, sit down. I don’t think you should be spending toomuch time on your feet. You can play with this stuff later, I’ll tell your auntyou’re spending the night helping with a project. I’m going to call one of themedical staff down here, to check you over okay?”

Peter nodded, and seemed to be okay with the plan, until theDoctor walked in. She was kind, and politely greeted Mr Stark before addressingher patient.

“Hello, you must be Peter.”

Tony didn’t know what he was expecting but he was surprised,nonetheless, when Peter shot up from his chair, backing away from the doctor asif he was about to make a run for it.

The older man came towards him, hands raised. There had tobe more than just a sensory issue for Peter to be so scared of her, but hedecided not to press for now; they had more urgent concerns.

Peter’s skin felt clammy and far too warm, under Tony’shands, where he tried to take his good wrist, and the kid shrunk away from histouch, eyes never leaving the doctor.

“Peter, come on, you’re safe. Let her help you.” His eyeswere wide and scared, and his chest rose and fell with rapid pants. He wasterrified, his voice small and weak.

“Please don’t make me.”

Tony tried again, meeting the kid’s eyes with his own, andoffering a reassuring smile.

“I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to,and I won’t leave you, okay? I’m going to stay right here the whole time. She’snot going to hurt you, Peter. You’re in pain and you’re sick, just let her help.Come on.”

The teenager was clearly not happy about it, but he wastired and his arm hurt so bad, so he relented and followed Tony to sit down onhis bed.

The doctor came over, kind smile on her face, and kept herarms behind her back as she spoke.

“Mr Stark said you weren’t feeling too great, and it lookslike you’ve hurt your arm pretty bad. Do you mind if I take a look?”

Peter hesitated, No, he didn’t want some strange ladytouching his already sore arm. He frowned at her, like a petulant child.

“Don’t touch it.”

Tony’s voice came, reprimanding the teenagers hostile tone.“Peter, she’s trying to help you.”

The young doctor smiled and carefully brought her handscloser to the injured boy.

“I’ll be as gentle as I can, but I do need to touch it a bitin order to find the breaks. It’ll be over soon.”

She brought her hands closer to him, reaching for his arm,but her fingers barely brushed his skin before he was pulling back and tryingto move away from her. Tony’s arm came around his back, holding him in placewhile the Doctor gently took the broken arm.

True to her word, she was gentle as possible and she quicklytook her hands back once she was finished.

“I will need an x-ray but it looks to be a clean break.We’ll get a cast on it as soon as I’m sure it’s set in the right place.”

Peter looked less nervous now that he knew the worst wasover, but he still kept his glassy gaze on the doctor in case she triedanything he didn’t like.

He flinched when she placed her hand at his forehead, andsquirmed when she flashed lights on his eyes. Tony couldn’t help but noticethat Peter was pressing against him more and more, either to find comfort orget away from the woman.

Once she had finished her examination, and gone to set upthe xray, Tony turned to the kid.

“What’s really going on with you? And don’t tell me it’sjust because of your senses because that’s not it. You’re really scared ofher.”

Peter, didn’t say anything at first, keeping his head lowand avoiding Tony’s eyes. But finally, he sighed, voice almost a whisper.

“I just…After what happened with Thanos and me gettingstabbed. I only remember pieces of when you brought me to the hospital, but Iwas alone and in pain and I was so scared. And the doctors just kept stickingthings in me and yelling, and I couldn’t block any of it out. My sensescouldn’t handle it all and now…I just don’t like Doctors okay? It brings toomuch of it back.”

Tony felt awful all over again. Just more guilt to add tothe pile.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t want to leave you there,but the fight-“

Peter shrugged as much as he could without hurting his armfurther. “It’s okay, it’s not your fault. You saved my life, and I know thosedoctors were there to help me, but it doesn’t make it easier.”

Tony didn’t reply, because he knew that Peter would deny it,but it was his fault. Tony was the one that had brought Peter into the wholemess, and he was the one that Peter had been protecting when he got hurt. Hecouldn’t take the pain away and he couldn’t do much to ease Peters new foundphobia, but at least he could be there for him.

Tony stayed by Peter’s side during the x-ray, and when hegot his cast on, and he was there when the Doctor gave her diagnosis as to whyPeter was feeling so unwell.

“You haven’t been eating enough. With your abilities andheightened metabolism, your body uses up a lot more energy than normal, and ifyou don’t give your body what it needs it starts to deteriorate. Just make sureyou get some extra protein and carbs in and maybe add another meal or two,especially when you’re out doing your super hero thing.”

She gave Peter some meds to take and readjusted the sling onhis arm.

“For now, just get some rest and try and stay off your feet.You don’t have a concussion but you may have some extra sensitivity to lightfor a little while so just be aware of that. Other than that, you’ll be fine.It was nice to meet you Peter.”  

Tony shook her hand and thanked her as she left, turningback to the teenager when she was gone.

“Okay, you heard her. Time for bed, for the Spider-kid.”

Peter yawned, smiling just a little at the name, andaccepted Tony’s help to pull the rest of the suit off. He was too tired to feelany real embarrassment as the older man pulled the blankets over him, and hesighed tiredly as Tony carefully placed his casted arm on an extra pillow.

He looked down at the teenager, those bright eyes blinking upat him, and smiled.

“Goodnight, Pete.”

“Goodnight Mr Stark, and thanks for taking care of me. Itmeans a lot.”

Tony turned out the lights as he left, sending him one lastsmile. “Yeah well, you mean a lot so… get some rest. I’ll wake you in a fewhours for dinner.”

After all that happened, even the worst, most horribleparts, were sort of worth it to be seen as important by his hero. And although Peterdidn’t remember all that much about his parents, but he thought that havingTony must be what having a dad felt like.

(PLeaSE tell me what you think seriously this took days and my brain died multiple times while writing it so please be gentle with me. I seriously love you guys so much for your continued support, it means so so much to me.)