#i'm just accepting the fact that i will never be able to top this background
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sunnymimis · 1 year ago
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A Banana Fish redraw got out of hand 🐍🦊 Naitou belongs to @burukaji! 🦊 Ji-hoon belongs to me! 🐍
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crookedkingdomruinedme · 2 years ago
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Kimchay in Hogwarts <3
Yes, I'm still stuck on my fic but here's a Kimchay Hogwarts AU.
Like I said in my last post, Kim's a Slytherin in a house full of Gryffindors (straight parallel to Sirius, who was a Gryffindor in a house of Slytherins) and Porchay is a Hufflepuff, just like his brother.
To make all characters fit in, let's just pretend that Kim's only a year older than Chay but they're in the same year as Kim rolled in late. So, both of them are in their 5th year. Chay's 15 while Kim just turned 16.
Kim's the lone wolf of 5th year. (Inspired by Regulus Black my beloved) and doesn't really interact much with anyone. Dubbed the Ice Prince due to his stunning looks but his cold face, he mostly stays to himself with his nose stuck in a book and does his things without bothering anyone. He's, obviously, a star here as well for his music, but it's always uploaded anonymously, and so far no one knows who actually Wik is. So yeah, he's more than a bit touch starved and very bad at actual student social interaction. He doesn't even talk to his brother/s at school at all due to the constant rivalry between Gryffindors and Slytherins (never mind the fact that he thinks Kinn doesn't even want to talk to him after his sorting). Vegas, for the most part, leaves him alone unless there are some "joint jobs" to do with Kim. Macau, being the annoying cousin he is, always seems to stick to Kim and disrupt his peace. But that's all anyone sees on the surface.
Porchay's the sunshine of 5th-year students. A chill guy who's fun to hang out with and never judging. Everyone knows him or has at least heard of him (just like everyone knows Kim but for exactly different reasons). He's famous for his kind personality and acceptance of all things weird(TM). He's comfortable with his sexuality and is a great help to students who just want to explore or talk about their gender/sexuality issues to someone other than an adult. An absolute Wik fan and always daydreaming about who the person could actually be. So yeah, he's comfortable in his lanky form, has a cool brother who's also a pain in his arse, helps around at the herbology garden whenever he can, and is a good tutor, even if he is not that extraordinary at studies. The other students are kind of freaked out by the two brothers. It's like they have twin telepathy with the way they understand each other by just looks.
Anygays, That's their background in the school.
Kim's a straight-A student, obviously. He's an extraordinarily strong wizard, being able to do a variety of spells that someone of his age shouldn't be able to. This just adds to the rumors that already surround him though, about how he's secretly a dark magic practice and stuff. He's on top of the class by a mile to the other students, untouchable even in his studies. The one class he thrives the most is Defense Against Dark Arts, it's as if he was born to do it. Ironic considering his overall image at school.
But of course, every smart student faces a challenge in at least one class, and for him it's Herbology. Even though animals absolutely adore him, it's as if these plants can't even look in his direction. It's frustrating him to no end. He's mad at himself too, how can a few plants hate him with such an intensity that they won't even come near his hands???
It's bad for his OWLs too, which he's already stressed enough about it as it is, he doesn't need saplings adding to it. He needs to pass this class damn it!
The worst part is that no one's willing to help him. He doesn't really have anyone to ask for help. He's 100% sure Kinn would walk the other way if he even comes close to him (he already averts his eyes whenever they see each other anyway). Macau's just as shit as him in caring for anything, no matter alive or not. Vegas doesn't even take these classes, and even if he did, Kim wouldn't go near him with a ten-foot pole. It's not really as if he has any friends, with students always walking the other way if he so much as comes close to them. And he gets it, okay? He absolutely does. He wouldn't go near himself if he could, either. But this also means he's stuck without any help and he's scared of falling behind in his classes and what Papa would do if he failed one.
Enter Porchay, An absolute god at Herbology but horrendously lacking in his Defence against Dark Arts skills. He also wants to pass OWLs with flying colors, if only to help his brother and make him proud. After all, Porsche passed with one of the highest scores of his age, and who is Porchay if not competitive?
It starts one evening when Porchay's helping Professor Sprout with arranging the new batch of seeds needed for the second semester when he sees Kim, sitting in one of the greenhouses and looking at a book with such fury Porchay was scared that it might just catch fire.
Of course, Porchay recognized him. Kimhan Theerapanyakul is a mystery to everyone in Hogwarts. A kid that didn't speak much but always seemed to look superior to anyone. Porchay has seen him around the school, and even shares a few classes with him, but has never talked to him. He's beautiful, Porchay thinks, vastly different from his two older Gryffindor brothers.
Shaking himself out of his thoughts, he asks Professor Sprout what Kim's doing here, to which she sighs and tells him how that kid just won't give up on this class even though he's on the verge of failing.
And hey, Porchay can respect a stubborn person with enough fire to keep going. It's when the professor goes on to say how he's got more than enough points from his DADA classes that a light bulb goes off in his head.
Porchay's always been a bit reckless, a trait shared between both the Kittiswat brothers. He knows and has heard about the different rumors surrounding the other boy, ranging from curious to borderline disturbing, but will he listen to them? No. He likes to make observations on people by himself, something that will eventually be his downfall, but for now, it's that curiousness that pushes him forward to stand behind the green-clad boy and tap his shoulders.
He interestingly notes how Kim didn't even flinch at the sudden contact but simply looks at him with an eyebrow raised.
For now, Porchay extends his right hand out for a handshake, smiles brightly, and says, "Hello, I'm Porchay, and I'd love for you to be my DADA tutor"
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capesandshapes · 2 months ago
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Thinking about the invisible barriers to entry for publishing and how people who grew up in an upper to middle class background with supportive parents will start trickling into writing spaces for the next three months complaining about agents and publishers allowing additional consideration to people, members of the lgbtq+, and the disabled as a result of inclusive pitmads and open calls.
To query in the 2020s means having access to reliable technology in order to type out your novel, internet to query (and I was told in 2019 to send out 80 queries in my first round and expect to receive a form filled rejection letter like once-- the rest would never so much as acknowledge seeing your query), social media so you can be a part of all of the pitching events and jump on whatever opportunities you can (while being expected by some publishers to build your own following at the same time), and not only time but the emotional energy to write.
And I'm not even touching on the educational elitism that runs rampant through the arts, or the fact that many publishers and agents now expect you to query when a highly edited manuscript following their formatting guidelines in an approved file type (and no, it's not an imagined thing, converting Google drive documents to word does effect the formatting).
All of this is just to get your foot in the door. And half the time, the people who will tell you that it's easier to get a book deal if you're a marginalized person willfully ignore the fact that there are millions of people out there who couldn't get into the gated community that is access and stability to start walking towards the door. They don't want to talk about the people who were given additional consideration, but weren't accepted because an agent or publisher didn't feel that they were educated enough, or that they edited their manuscript enough, or their drive to word conversion turned all paragraph indentation into the dreaded five spaces instead of the much revered tabbing.
"You're more likely to get a book deal if you're a person of color, gay, or disabled," even once we move past how ungodly untrue that is, no one who bitches about agency and publisher calls for diverse writers wants to talk about the hundreds of people who were given additional consideration through those calls and didn't receive adequate marketing from their publisher or ended up grossly underperforming for reasons they cannot control. They don't see the people who will see the name on a book or flip to the back cover and put it down. Or that queer and non anglo Christian stories are going to be at a disadvantage in a marketplace dominated by white, straight, Christian culture.
Traditionally published people also aren't likely to be making bank to start off with, considering the fact that the majority of them fail even with all things working for them, and you don't get royalties until your advance is paid out by book sales. Publishers don't tend to give you another book deal or beg for a sequel if you aren't selling well, regardless of who you are.
There's about a dozen poc/lgbtq+/disabled authors from every publishing class (debut year), but everyone who bitches that it's definitely easier to get a publishing deal if you're a minority can only name like three successful POC authors, one disabled, and like if they try really hard like a single gay person in their genre-- like ignore the expanding literary canon that has introduced Toni Morrison and Walt Whitman to English programs across America, who in the genre that they write can they name off the top of their head that is not straight, white, neurotypical, and able bodied. Like, don't get me wrong, they've probably read a few more than just those people but can't remember off the top of their heads... Just like they can't remember the hundreds of books by white straight authors that they have read in their genre. Everyone knows the names of their favorite authors and the people that they consider themselves ~inspired~ by, but there are genuinely so many books by people of privilege that we don't really 'see' half of them.
But sure, whatever, it's unfair that you don't get as many publishing calls for you to submit your literary masterpiece, and you're surely being discriminated against. How will the world live without the new Shakespeare written by yet another monkey on a typewriter-- we even gave it internet.
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its-blip-on-the-radar · 10 months ago
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[ID: A grayscale digital drawing of a broken pencil with a butterfly standing on top of it. The butterfly also has a broken wing. The background has an overlay of a galaxy pattern and also a paper texture giving it some color around the edges. Text across the top reads "art is dead."]
I don't know who I am anymore
I wish I was able to come back and tell you guys all about my experiences with recent events but all of it... All of it was about people being bigoted to me. I can't make positive comics about my psych ward stay, or me moving into a new place (that is actually safe and accepting thank the gods) or my day to day life because... The psych ward stay fucked me up a lot, and now I'm dealing with ableism practically daily, because I've almost completely lost my ability to mask. Strangers are being cruel to me, between demonizing me and getting me kicked out of places, to infantilizing me and treating me like I'm a lost two year old, it's just been... a lot.
I originally made these comics because I wanted to show people my reality. I used to be proud of it. I liked showing off that despite all these big scary mental disorders, I could survive, I could maybe even thrive like this!
...But I'm not thriving.
Ever since I recieved the news that tumblr sold their soul to the AI overlords, my desire to create digital art plummeted. I was already contemplating quitting when I returned from the psych ward because the stay fucked me up so bad I was convinced I deserved to be ashamed. I didn't deserve to put myself out there to be seen and accepted because my disorders make it easy to demonize me. That's all the psych ward did for almost two weeks, is drill into my head I was a "bad patient" and that I should never be proud of who I am, because who I am needs to be corrected.
And the news about tumblr almost sealed the coffin for me.
What actually sealed this metaphorical coffin for me was my therapist. I was discussing with him my disdain for creating (thinking digital art was the only "valid" format I could create in) and he pointed out to me that I was technically still creating. I was scrapbooking, and painting, and sculpting, but I was drowning in the guilt of not updating on here, not having anything to show here. I've always had the mentality that the only kind of art worth sharing online was digital because it was the only way I could share my art in perfect quality. I don't have my camera anymore so I'm reliant on my phone for traditional art images and my phone camera sucks. So... it felt like I had nothing. And then... My therapist pointed out the obvious. I was in fact still creating. I was also indulging in the things I had always ignored about myself in my childhood. My love of insects and butterflies specifically, my desire to get good at home repair, my passion for gardening, bird watching, fashion, video games, organization, all of it.
I have been creating this whole time. I've also been healing this whole time. But this conversation also made me realize something fundamental about my existence.
The only reason digital art was my sole medium of choice for most of my existence as an artist was because my parents convinced me it was the only way to be a successful artist.
If... you went back and asked 5 year old me what I wanted to do with my life, I would've told you "I want to be an artist" and to some degree I did accomplish that. But the key thing there is when I said that I meant a fine artist. Someone who creates traditional art for museums and shows and stuff. I didn't want to be a graphic artist, or an animator, or any of that. I wanted to be a traditional artist. But my parents were very abusive and strict. They told me the only professions I could pursue were anything that would guarantee earn me money (They often told me my only actual options were doctor, scientist, or lawyer) so I wasn't allowed to hone my skills in the traditional format. If I wanted to earn my right to go to an art school for college, I had to pour myself into the most "successful" format of art. Digital.
This... is a really long winded way of me saying, I'm probably going to be switching to posting traditional media on here, if I post at all. The AI thing really took a blow to my self confidence (knowing people think a computer can do a better job than you at something as human as art, kinda sucks) so we'll see. But I want to come back to Love and Injury eventually. It will take a while but I will. I'm not completely adverse to digital, it's just not what I really want to be doing. I need a pretty long break from it right now. So... If you care about me, if you care about my stories, my life, my work, please stick around. I'll try to post art commentary and other peoples work, and update about my life for those who care. I may even post my newer traditional stuff. But... to those of you who gave my art a chance in the first place, thank you.
I really hope I don't let you all down.
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tokiro07 · 5 months ago
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Once again vaguing so as to maintain my "talk no shit on what people like" policy while also being able to vent about what is, quite possibly, my least favorite game of all time
This is...the single most tedious gaming experience I've ever had. I thought at first it was just that the controls were unresponsive due to some hardware limitation on the Switch port, but even ignoring that, what the game is literally asking me to do is absurdly repetitive
The actual challenge is decent, though a lot of my deaths have been pretty cheap in my opinion, either blindsiding me due to how poorly contrasted all of the background and stage elements are or landing cheap shots because I frequently respawn on top of enemies or directly in their line of fire. If regular stage hazards didn't actually cause damage and instead just reset me, like in say Hollow Knight, I would find this a lot more bearable, but because I lose health to the platforming and not just the combat, I often don't have enough health left for the combat, which wouldn't be a tremendous issue if the enemies weren't spongey as hell!
The fact that I keep needing to redo long platforming segments because every mistake drains my extremely shallow health pool or because long-winded enemies keep getting placed along the path makes for a ludicrously slow and repetitive experience in what seems like it's meant to be quite fast-paced
The boss fights compound on this by having multiple lengthy phases that end up feeling predictable because they go the same way every time, and generally have oddly long cutscenes to load in the new movesets. I understand not letting me skip phases I've beaten before, I can't think of too many games that allow that, but the earlier phases of any given boss fight become sooo boooring after you've beaten them 50 times, and the latter phases that throw a ton of bullshit at you when, again, you're constantly fighting against the controls themselves just become super annoying!
At the very least, don't put a long, empty path between a checkpoint and the final boss! I should be able to just walk straight into the boss fight from the checkpoint, not hold down a button to carry me there with enough time to think "maybe I don't want to try again." Which is what happened, by the way! I'm writing this now because the game gave me the opportunity to say "y'know what? Literally fuck this" and throw my system down to complain about how dogshit this game is!
And people like this game! It's getting decent to great reviews from what I can find! No one has any of the problems that I do, which again, made me think that it was just the particular port I'm playing, but no, these are all structural issues with the game's design! How is no one else upset about this??? How is everyone else able to accept this??? These are practically ancient design flaws at this point, relics of arcades past, why am I still being asked to put up with this in 2024, and why doesn't anyone else care???
I see what people like about it, I really do, it's just that those elements a) have been done a thousand times better in the games that this game is clearly trying to emulate, and b) are getting bogged down by other design decisions that I don't believe would have been too costly to fix
The only reason I'm still playing this game is so I can have a complete understanding of the sorts of design decisions I should avoid if I ever make my own game, and literally every single minute I spend playing it makes me regret that line of thinking. I have never been so abjectly miserable playing a video game before when this is supposed to be a fun hobby. The only solace that I can take aside from the game being quite pretty is that at least I'm not brain-dead bored. However, in a way that makes it worse, cus if it were completely unengaging I could at least turn it off and not feel like I'm missing something. Instead though, I'm mad, and that makes me feel like if I turn it off and never look back that I let my inability to meet the game at its level beat me, like I wasn't good enough to do it. I know that's a fallacy, since again I'm at the final boss (or at least the Normal Ending final boss, I can tell there's a True Ending I haven't done the work to unlock yet), but if I can't beat it right at the end it's just going to weigh on my mind for the rest of my life like when I didn't finish Magical Vacation
The real question is whether or not I should go ahead and collect everything for the True Ending now so I can just do the final boss fight once and not worry about it, OR should I get the Normal Ending then watch the True Ending online? Both feel wrong and incomplete, but like I said, I hate this game and want it to be done so I can at least feel some semblance of catharsis
Either way, I hope to be done this game no later than tomorrow so I can delete it from my system and actually play something that brings me joy
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felixcloud6288 · 1 year ago
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Fullmetal Alchemist Chapter 96
I absolutely love how that one guy threw a rock at one of the Mannequin soldiers and another soldier is stomping on one.
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Another of the High Command meets his end, and now we know where that door in the President's office leads.
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At this point I did a mental checklist over all the people in high command to check what their statuses are, and I realized something:
There are actually EIGHT members, not including the Fuhrer, in Central Command and one of them just vanishes from the story.
Here's a panel of Roy being brought into their meeting room in chapter 50 and a panel of Major General Armstrong in chapter 74.
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Notice how there are clearly seven people here. The only person absent in both is Major General Raven. Raven brought Roy into the room in the first panel, and Olivier is there to replace him in the second.
This panel from chapter 87 is the only one I could find with our mystery scumbag's face.
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But once the fighting starts, he just vanishes from the story. We get no reports or scenes indicating the man was killed or captured.
I want to know how strong these guys were that they were able to force Sloth to a near stop with that chain.
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They should all have dislocated their arms on impact.
But now let's talk about the Philosophical themes around Sloth. Sloth as an aspect is not just simple laziness, but also a disinterest in improving, performing to the best of your ability, or simply not caring to act.
Sloth dug out a giant transmutation circle over several centuries, and he did this because he was too lazy to argue against doing so. So Sloth's nature made him just accept the poor conditions he was stuck in. And he follows orders simply because he's too lazy to argue.
Now who were his opponents? The Armstrongs, the Curtises, and over a dozen Central soldiers. Olivier Mira Armstrong's characterization could be seen as an entire antithesis to sloth. She takes command of the situation and acts directly on the front line while taking responsibility for her and her subordinates' actions. She does not sit in the background while her soldiers risk their lives and then make excuses for their deaths. In fact, she has killed several of Central's top brass for doing exactly that.
Meanwhile Alex Louis Armstrong had his own sense of sloth he's dealt with through the whole series. He knew the Ishbal campaign was wrong, but he chose to do nothing. Instead, he abandoned his duty (In this case, his true duty of fighting against the injustice of it) and has lived in shame since. His sister did not let him forget, but she made sure to pave the way so he could have a second chance to do what is right.
And Izumi and Sig chose to be here. They don't have any obligations to join the fight. No one would blame them if they chose to ignore all this and just continue their traveling.
And the soldiers could just say they were following orders and use that as an excuse to justify their actions, but Olivier demanded they act in the way they thought they should and they not only decided to ally with her, but they also managed to figure out how to adapt to the situation.
Sloth was defeated by a force that chose against apathy, and that force was led by someone who refuses to let anyone be less than exemplary.
So that's one more major plot thread concluded.
I'm going to start talking a lot more, so here's a panel of Alex and Sig being best friends to break the pacing a little. Sig should have taken his shirt off during the fight.
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And now we have Hohenheim vs Father, which we haven't seen anything of since chapter 91. This is the only plot thread that was poorly paced in all of them. That is to say, we never saw anything about it during everything else. Foo's search for Greed has similarly not had any updates in a long while, but there also haven't been any major developments so there's no need to keep us updated on it.
Just for a comparison, the anime moved Hohenheim meeting Father to the equivalent of the end of last chapter. The general assumption that I make, and which I think is fair to make, is that different scenes tend to happen in chronological order to each other. And if we have one scene and then cut to another scene, the second scene happens either at the same time or after the first one.
So Hohenheim meeting Father in chapter 91 implies he met Father at the same time Al began fighting Pride and Kimblee, Envy regained its body and started fighting May, and Sloth attacked Olivier.
The anime moving Hohenheim's initial meeting with Father to where it did changes the timing implication to make us assume Hohenheim was approaching Father's lair during all that, and he only just reached it just before Sloth's death.
There's a ladder in the little room Hohenheim made. So he carved out the space, made a ladder, climbed down the ladder, and then created the door.
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Hohenheim, the Philosopher from the West who taught the Eastern nation of Xing Alchemy, attacked with stone pillars that look like Eastern dragons.
Father, the Philosopher from the East who taught the Western nation of Amestris Alchemy, attacked with stone pillars that look like Western dragons.
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Hohenheim's design is also more intricately detailed than Father's.
Hohenheim definitely hit the mark when he told Father he wanted a family. Maybe a long time ago, Father tried to emulate having an actual family bond with his children, but like everything else, he wasn't willing to put the actual effort into actually understanding how.
And since he's unwilling to learn what it means to be a parent, nor what it means to share a bond with someone, what hope would the others have. No wonder they're all so messed up when it comes to their feelings about human attachment.
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scienceoftheidiot · 1 year ago
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Hi! So I'm going to catch up on the latest chapter of All The Hope asap, but do you mind sharing some of the inspirations and thought processes you had behind writing this story? :D
Aahh don't worry about catching up, the fic is there and not going away, read when you can 🥰
I'm so sorry this is going to be... Extremely long... 😬😬😬 oops 😅
Sooo there are a number of thought processes I've gone through when writing this specific fic! I'll try to explain while being not too spoilery 😅
(Edit : in case anyone wants to read the fic, you can find it here : All the hope that I lost, you have found)
First, as I say in the notes of the fic, I had the idea of this because I had already written a fic where Roy didn't get healed after Promised Day and stayed blind, but in this one it was understood in the background that Grumman had pressured the other generals so he'd be able to keep him.
The result is a fic where, inbetween the lines, Roy has a LOT of pressure on himself, has to go through rehab and at the same time has to prove he can still be kept in the army - which means the frat laws still apply, and neither he nor Riza have much brain power left to try and address this, which makes for a weird power imbalance and Roy not knowing where he stands and what he wants out of the relationship (which. Is what backfires at the beginning, because, he in fact, knows very well, and what he wants is NOT nurse Riza 🙃). So the whole setting is different.
I still like this fic, and many things that happen in it, but it's pretty unrealistic even by FMA standards, lol (I also forgot to take into account that Havoc himself would need a lot of rehab before he comes back 😅), and I wanted to explore the other, more realistic option imo, that Roy wouldn't be kept in the army's ranks.
Because with Roy out of the army, so many things can actually work better.
Of course the obvious, and what Roy realizes himself in the first chapter, is that the frat laws don't apply. More on that later.
But there's also the fact that Roy, as a General (Grumman would definitely not leave him a Colonel after Promised Day at least in part because so many generals have died 😅), would have overseen Ishval's restauration from afar, and not be hands on. Because he'd have a lot of work, he'd probably be appointed to be the head of East Command at the very least (Grumman even talks about it in the manga), and while Roy this way can ensure there's enough funds and men and help going and he would have been far more able to pull money from the state and rich people of Amestris to fund the restauration, he would also be way too precious to be allowed to just roam around Ishval helping rebuild.
Basically, in post Promised Day Amestris, an able bodied General Mustang who wouldn't use alchemy much is far more precious to the army than an overpowered, but blind Roy. Not only do I like to pull the rug from under his feet because I'm just evil like that, I like how he's never been that powerful, and yet. While there's a lot of talk about how Amestris is pretty good at accepting disability (no meta from me there, I don't have much to say), it's stated plainly a couple of times that unless they can be fit with an automail, disabled soldiers are no use. See Havoc. Anyway that's the way I followed, because even with Grumman on top, the army stays the army, and the army is not a nice institution. At least Roy and Havoc got a pension 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't think they could have expected much more.
So overall, politically speaking, having Roy stay in the army is interesting, but action wise a little less. Alchemy wise, too. Because I want Roy to use his new overpowered alchemy (he will !!! And not only to transmute tea, spoons and squeaky door hinges, lol)(this fic is very slow aaab I am sorry), and if he's not on the field or only as a last resort against some incredibly powerful enemy.... That's not of my interest. (Keep in mind that's just MY train of thoughts, lol, I am not dissing any fic that does that. I want to read them. Lol). And to be honest I don't see any other reason that just being kicked out where Roy would leave the army (in manga/BH. In 03 I have different ideas but this reply is already soooo long).
Another point is that I wanted to explore Royai as an established couple, but still stay within the lines of the original story. And here I have the perfect setting : no frat laws anymore, they needed each other to basically survive during and right after Promised Day, and I had them make this deal that if Riza helps Roy, she has to let him help her, too. In this fic, the result of Promised Day is that now they are codependent more than ever, and I wanted to explore that, how their relationship shifts but in the end stays the same, and how it helps them move on.
It's definitely NOT a sane way to recover IRL, I know lol, but I think for them there is no other way. Their lives are already so entwined, it couldn't work differently in this specific case.
Last but not least : I'm an angst monster. Taking everything from Roy and fucking up Riza? Yes please let me play with that 😈 How is someone as stubborn and ambitious as Roy going to deal with having his ambitions crushed, and his autonomy seriously hampered? How is Riza going to deal with what was basically her goal by procuration disappearing, and her job radically changing? How are they both going to go on? Together, of course. And as I had Roy say himself in the fic, maybe they can allow themselves that, even if it's temporary, because, well. They don't have much else left. And it's not hurting anybody so why not.
So with this as a (clearly not as defined at the time) base I went on and then the events just clicked.
However. I want to say a couple of things about this fic, more in a logistics way :
First, the number of chapters is a lie. I have hastily cut all the "conjoined" chapters I had in half to get a rough number, but in fact there are some chapters that I keep as one, some that I divided that I had not planned on dividing. So take the number of chapters as an indication that the fic is mostly written and almost finished, but it won't be 27 chapters for real. How many ? No idea lol. Probably more around 20 judging by how it's going.
Also. This fic is only the beginning of Roy and Riza's journey, be it together or to rebuild Ishval. It will end with the (nice!) big event that was already foreshadowed, leaving a lot to do still. But if I find the strength to write yet another crazy long fic, there will be a second part (ok uh. Second part is already 20K long and has a rough outline. I don't write linearly lol).
This whole fic btw is also there for two reasons : 1) considering I am (have been for YEARS) writing an original novel with a blind main character I just HAD to try and write blind Roy, couldn't pass on that, and 2) I have an incredible enabler in the person of @qs63 who just pushes me, gives me lots of inspiration, and reads all I write and is just so supportive, and who is a great writer herself - we even wrote a whole fic together, and it was A BLAST. This fic wouldn't be there without her because I didn't want to just write yet another blind Roy fic and she persuaded me the idea was good. And now I think it's one of the best I've been working on (with the one we wrote together, lol).
Aaaanyway sorry this is a lot of rambling and thoughts and this was very long, but thank you so so much for asking about this fic. I just love to talk about it and read how people feel about it ❤️❤️❤️ thanks !
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fyodcrs · 9 months ago
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OMG FYOSANO there's only like 1 fic for them on the whole ao3 and I've been dying for more for ages, if you'd like to share anything about your idea for them then I am all ears 👀
There's a fic for them???? I am definitely looking that up, I know I've talked about this ship with other people on here but I had no idea there were any fics 👀👀
SO the premise of my fic is that Ranpo is called onto a case, and he brings Yosano along - they get to the crime scene, and guess who's already there! One Fyodor Dostoevsky! Cue belligerent tension between Fyodor and Ranpo and a whole lotta sexual tension between Fyodor and Yosano.
Several months ago, after the dust had settled from the Decay of Angels incident, Mori demanded (well, politely requested) that Yosano join the Mafia, just as she knew he would. Fukuzawa refused. The uneasy alliance of the Mafia and the ADA had already been unsettled by the fact that Fyodor Dostoevsky is still around, and appears to be allied with the Agency now, somehow. Things escalated. With war between the Mafia and the Agency potentially imminent, Dazai asked Fyodor to hide Yosano outside the city. One thing led to another...then one thing led to another again...
This is the first time Yosano has seen Fyodor since things returned to normal.
The fic is a lot of Fyodor and Yosano with a little of Ranpo having an existential crisis in the background sdfghfgh. It's also one of two fics I'm working on that have Fyodor helping the ADA solve a case, the other one being fyosig. I just really like the idea, haha.
A couple excerpts under the cut :3
--
“Not quite,” Fyodor said. He turned to Ranpo. His smile was pleasant, but there was a distinctly unpleasant gleam in his eyes. “But perhaps the World’s Greatest Detective would care to reveal the truth to us all?”
Ranpo stared back sullenly. “You’ve already figured it out,” he grumbled. “Why should I waste my time?”
“Ah, but surely my intellect is nothing compared to your Ability,” Fyodor replied with a humility that felt about as genuine as the knock-off handbag Yosano had noticed hanging in the hall. “Surely there are details I have missed that you will not, great detective.”
Ranpo pressed his lips together and said nothing.
Yosano huffed out an exasperated sigh. “Ranpo,” she said, trying to match the stern tones the President was able to wield like a weapon. Alas, she had neither his deep, gruff voice nor his intimidating presence, and the effect was somewhat lost. “Remember what you’re here for.”
“And you,” she dropped her voice to a hiss, sidling to Fyodor’s side, “stop instigating.”
“Me?” he returned, all wide-eyed innocence. She shot him a warning glare.    
Ranpo watched them, silent. Beneath his messy bangs, his visage was dark, watchful. Presently, he stirred, and when he pulled his glasses out of his pocket his more characteristic arrogant smirk had returned.
“Fine, then. Stand back and watch.”
-
He looked up as she approached, the corners of his mouth turned up slightly in the beginnings of a smile. Shades of sunset burned with the dull glow of banked embers across his face. His eyes were shadows.
“Babochka,” he said.
“You still haven’t told me what that means, you know.” She folded her arms and leaned against the railing, looking down at him from the top of the stairs.
Fyodor tilted his head to the side a little. A familiar gesture by now, like the way his fingers sometimes moved as if playing an instrument when he was deep in thought. “Haven’t you figured it out yet? You are supposed to be a detective, you know.”
“I’m a doctor, actually, you know.” Yosano gave him a glare that would have cowed any member of the Agency—including Dazai, and especially Ranpo—but Fyodor just smirked back at her, unmoved. Yosano was unaccustomed to being the one who had to back down first, but she had learned by now that Fyodor Dostoevsky was not nearly as much like Dazai and Ranpo as she had assumed, and she was simply no match for him.
She had never been one to accept defeat that easily, though.
She walked down the steps, stopping on the first step, just above where he stood on the sidewalk. Dark violet eyes regarded her. She looked up at him, one hand braced on the rail. She tried for her usual aloofness, but it was like trying to hide behind a glass door. She knew he was could sense the way her heartbeat had picked up and the way her blood thrummed with the sheer awareness of him, his presence.
Sometimes, she found him frightening; sometimes she could see in his pale face and dark, dark eyes the demon that had haunted them all. But when she was this close the shadows fell away and she could see him clearer, a man who was sickly but was starting to look a little healthier these days, a man who was tall and graceful and had an aura of mystery and ethereality about him, with a secretive smile full of furtive promises. A man who fascinated her in every way that he should frighten her.  
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xxmissarichanxx · 10 months ago
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✨XMACX Monthly✨ | April 2024
lol i hope u enjoyed the silly update yesterday~ here's the answers to the lil game:
2 TRUTHS • i did draw the line art with my left hand c'''': • may's cover model MAY in fact be a yummy mommy. it's up to youuuuu~
2 LIES • i'll never stop drawing hunks. who would i be without them sobs • i am dropping a BL comic this month, just not on April 20.
you may read this month's update on PTRN for free or below the cut~ you can also view the previous issue here.
I cannot believe we are four months into 2024. What have I to show for it :''''D Anyway, a few announcements:
I got accepted into Citrus Con's Artist Alley this year! I had the honor of sharing my wares during the online BL convention last year. I'm excited to do it again this year! I'm hoping to debut physical copies of some BL comics, and if not, digital copies will be fine too. My bootiful patrons will be the first to read them. Starting this month, I'll be dropping pages. Whatever I finish, it's going up.
You might have also noticed that the banner on the top of my Patreon page changed. It's to reflect the transition I'm making from one project to the next. :^)
Schedule
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April 1 - The Fool's Cover
April 2 - XMACX Monthly Update
April 5 - May Cover Model Polls
April 12 - April Cover Model Process
April 19 - Kiki's Sakura Date Part 2
April 26 - Cover Story, Ippon!
April 28 - FBDC Update
April 30 - Sketch Dump
Cover Story Preview | Ippon!
I think I am ready to take on a slightly longer comic than the short ones I've worked on the past few months. SO, I'll be dusting off this old project that features Masa sparring Ken in a judo match.
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April OC Birthdays
April 1st is Satoru's birthday because he's a silly goose. He was featured in my short comic last month, Kiki's Sakura Date Part 1. He'll also show up in Part 2.
VN Development Update | FBW
This month I'm picking up where I left off in developing Froot Basket White! I'll be starting with Sutoro's route, which means his will be the first to release!
I've also decided that for Froot Basket White, I'd like to have some pals onboard to help me create assets, so I'll be hiring peeps to draw the background art, food items, and other things I need assistance with. I'll still be the sprite, CG, and UI artist and writer.
I'd also like to properly have the script proofread before I hand it off to our cast members. And when it comes down to it, I'd like to have the episodes tested before release. I'm excited for this project and I hope I can wrap up the story well!
Other Stuff this Month
I'm sorry, but I am STILL catching up on commissions orz. And because I am an Ainosuke and SK8 simp, I'll be partaking in another Adam Zine. I simply enjoy being in the fandom and seeing and supporting peeps who create in the fandom. And I think Ainosuke is an amazing character and if given any opportunity to support him and other Adam lovers, I WILL BE THERE.
In other news, I'll be on a teeny tiny vacay around mid-April. I won't be taking my tablet or laptop with me, so I won't be able to work on stuff. I'll do my best to build a buffer for May because...
Next Month
I'll be gone the first half of May. I'm peacing out. I'll be spending some time with mi mama. I don't wanna even think about projects or work. In fact, I wanna catch up on a backlog of playing some friend's games and reading some friend's comics and novels.
And then I'll cram everything in the last half of the month (like I usually do) LOL.
WATCH BRAVE BANG BRAVERN AND CRY WITH ME SOBS
Mahalo nui, Ari
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coopigeoncoo · 1 year ago
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Shouto talks to cats with the most plain voice ever. No baby voice. Just his plain normal voice. Just...
"It not polite to sit on someone's clean counter."
"Dinner will be ready at 5. Please be patient."
"I'm going to need you to move. No, don't crawl onto my lap, I need to start the laundry."
"Most would consider an attempt at smothering someone to be an attempted murder. But you just think it's cute, don't you?"
Absolutely he does. And this, naturally, leads to comical misunderstandings.
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Tw: None
Characters: Todoroki Shouto, the Todoroki women, and a fairly unrearkable cat.
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Shouto agreed to cat sit for Uraraka while she was suddenly called away overseas- some sort of rescue effort going down in Paraguay that Shouto didn't ask much about.  It didn't really matter, after all.  When you're a Hero you go where they tell you; come when you're called.  
A lot like being a dog, really.
And after spending a few days with Princess Yuki, Uraraka's white and gray tabby, Shouto thinks he'd prefer to be a cat.  
Princess Yuki, so named for her aloof demeanor and dreary patterned coat ("It looks just like the snow we see here in the city, dontcha' think?  All streaked with gray and splotchy?" Ochako had explained once), had immediately made herself at home by scaling his kitchen cabinets; spending her days idly passing judgment on those who dared to pass through her line of sight.  
Never having been able to afford a cat growing up, Ochako spoiled her fuzzy little friend to pieces; dropping off an entire suitcase of toys alongside her very elaborate pet fountain and cooler full of fancy raw cat food.  It seemed like a lot of effort and money to spend on a creature that was more like a decoration than a companion, but Shouto's job wasn't to judge his friends' pets. 
But if it was his job then Bakugou's impossibly round Chinchilla, Chinkilla, would definitely reign supreme.
So it was under these circumstances that Shouto accepted a call from his sister one uneventful Thursday night; Princess Yuki perched on top of her usual cabinet as Shouto stood below, stirring a wok full of beef slices and broccoli.
"Shouto!," Fuyumi greeted cheerily.  "How are you doing today?"
"I'm fine," Shouto began, knowing his sister would press for more details of his day off.  "I went grocery shopping and found a coupon tucked onto a shelf for the brand of soy sauce I was buying.  So that was nice."
"Hero lives are so weird," Fuyumi mused, the gentle shuffling of papers in the background clung Shouto into the fact that she was likely still stuck at work grading papers. "Yesterday you saved an entire building of office workers and today you're excited about finding a coupon."
"Didn't you call me last week to brag about that huge discount you got on your new purse?"
"Yeah, and?"
"That just seems pretty similar to coupon excitement to me," Shouto mused, glaring up at Yuki who had begun to stretch her long body down the front of the cabinet, dangling precariously over the streaming wok.  He lifted the spatula he was stirring with out of the pan and pointed it at the feline in warning. "Don't even think about it."
"Don't think about what?" 
"Oh, sorry.  Not you.  I was talking to Yuki," Shouto explained, glaring at the tabby who was doing her best to look innocent by tilting her head to the side and twitching her ears.
"Yuki?  Have I met her before?" Fuyumi asked, doing a terrible job of disguising her interest.
"You haven't.  She's just staying with me for a couple of days," Shouto said as he deflected her swiping paw from bopping him in the head.  
"Oh!" Fuyumi gasped in delight. "Well, is she cute?"
Shouto looked up at the cat stretched up above him, her wide green eyes shining bright with madness as she gazed longingly at the sizzling beef.  
"Very," Shouto admitted with a reluctant sigh, giving his dinner a quick stir.
"So, how did you two meet?"
"She lives with Uraraka, so she's usually hanging around when I come to visit- stop messing with my hair, Princess!" Shouto hissed as he ducked his head to escape the reach of her attacking paws, using her first name in a bid to summon up some measure of authority. "I'm on the phone!"
"I'll let you go now, Shou," Fuyumi giggled.  "I can tell that you're pretty busy."
"Thanks," Shouto sighed, glaring at Yuki who had decided to jump down onto the top of his fridge to attain a better defensive position.  "Talk to you soon."
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Fuyumi doesn't think she'd ever dialed her Mom's phone number so quickly before, including that time Natsuo had been thrown head first off of the trampoline into Rei's prize winning rose bushes.
"Pick up, pick up, pick up," Fuyumi chanted, the large stack of worksheets she was grading long forgotten in the face of a fresh piece of juicy family gossip.
"Hello, Todoroki residence.  Rei speaking."
"MOM!" Fuyumi gushed immediately.  "Shouto has a girl at his apartment!"
"Oh?  Is he having dinner with his sidekicks again?"
"No!  Her name is Yuki and she's Uraraka's roommate," Fuyumi squealed joyfully.  "And I think things are pretty serious between her and Shouto- she was playing with his hair and he called her Princess!"
"...I'm putting on my coat.  I'll meet you there in half an hour," Rei said hurriedly before the line cut off, leaving Fuyumi fumbling for her own coat as she dashed out of her classroom door.  
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fallenstar193 · 1 year ago
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ROR OC Pavlina
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Name meaning: Humble 
Height/Weight: 159cm, 47kg
Origin: Ancient Mesopotamian Mythology
Region: Mesopotamia
Alignment: Chaotic-Neutral
Gender: Female
Background: 
The goddess of the underworld in Sumerian mythology.
She wields a spear-shaped cage, capable of skewering her enemies, trapping souls, and summoning lightning at will. She is the ruler of the underworld, and is to be feared.
From the day of her birth, she was entrusted with the governance of the underworld. When the Age of Gods ended, she disappeared without ever knowing the surface world or freedom.
She claims her job is simply to watch over the souls of humans as befits a goddess of the underworld.
"...I really don't like it when too many people flock to the underworld all at once. Making cages to trap souls is a pain...and I'm not sure if I can make this place comfortable for everyone..."
As you can see, she doesn't do a spectacular job of hiding just how much she likes taking care of people.
She is truly the underworld's (red) angel.
According to Mesopotamian mythology, she governed the growth and decay of plants, employed snakes and dragons, and controlled the gallû spirits who were the underworld's workers.
Ishtar, the mistress of heaven, and Pavlina, the mistress of the underworld, are rivals.
For Mesopotamians, Ishtar is the goddess of the harvest who represents human life: the Great Earth Mother. Pavlina, on the other hand, represents the death of all humans, making her the Terrible Earth Mother.
Myth tells of Ishtar journeying to the underworld, where Pavlina kills her.
Later, Ishtar is revived, but the reason for Ishtar's journey, and why Pavlina was so angry are never explained. 
"I don't like humans at all. The living give me the creeps. But if you really want to spend time together, I wouldn't mind, as long as you're willing to die first."
Personality: 
She has a passive and introverted personality. Her great pride and intellect cause her to sacrifice every part of herself to her duties as the goddess of death and decay.
She is jealous of all things beautiful, laughs at things that are ugly, and kills the things she desires in order to prevent others from laying claim to them.
However, since she is still very impulsive, she turns back into the terrifying (and disappointing) goddess of myth whenever she gets angry.
This behavior is entirely Pavlina, so she may seem both cooler-headed and yet more self-deprecating.
She may sound a lot like Ishtar, but she also talks like an elegant lady at times.
Whenever she inadvertently acts meekly or goes into a panic, she may overexaggerate and pepper her speech with unnecessary adjectives, but that is a remnant of herself, polite nature. Ishtar, who should have been raised to be prim and proper, talks like a bit of a brat since she was so spoiled and raised as a carefree child. On the other hand, Pavlina, who spent her entire life working hard in the underworld, picked up the mannerisms and speech of a cherished noblewoman.
Even so Pavlina has long been tormented by the fact that no one likes her.
"I want to be able to live freely like Ishtar. I want to meet someone who accepts me for who I am, for being the mistress of the underworld AND for what I am beyond that."
That was her dearest wish, and sounds rather like what a lovestruck maiden might hope for.
"Look, I won't deny I'm playing the heel here, but I'm useful to humanity BECAUSE I'm evil! I don't understand why you're all so frightened of me!"
Even as she moped about, she saw what was happening in Mesopotamia and realized that it was heading towards its end. So she decided to protect humanity in her own way.
After that, a lot of things happened and she sank into the abyss. 
The spear that she holds in her hand is called the Burning Shrine, Meslamtaea.
Its light warms the depths of the earth, and was specially granted to her. 
Power: Meslamtaea is quite a powerful weapon that is remarked as one of the top ten weapons in the realm of gods. Pavlima does not hurl her attack from the heavens themselves, but strikes up from the depths of the underworld, rending the land asunder from beneath its surface. This tremendous blast creates devastating earthquakes and tectonic movement that destroy mount Ebih.
It has quite the firepower, but the true strength of this destruction is that it changes the land, making it part of the underworld.
Quotes: “As long as there are battles to fight, I can be with you. But as long as there are battles to fight, you'll keep getting hurt...
“I didn't realize it because I was having so much fun, but I guess I need to work hard to bring you back to your normal life as swiftly as possible...So...maybe it's best if I just imprison you in the underworld.”
“I'm sorry. I know what I said earlier was weird. Please forget it. ???, you're the sort who lives in the present. I am a goddess who lives in the depths of the earth and has spent so much time looking up at you. Your happiness is my purpose. As eventually all things lose their shine, I will continue to look over you from the shadows. Not as a goddess of the underworld, but as a dear person.”
“Ah... My powers over the sun, transformation, and the underworld have combined, and reached their limit...”
“Teehee. Nothing scares me now! I am Pavlina, goddess of the underworld! I govern the land of the dead and wield a whole lot of power!...Okay, my signature phrase is perfect. Just you watch, ???. No matter what other goddesses may appear in the future, know that none will be better than me at protecting you!”
“What I like? Obviously that would be--
N-no, nothing. I am the Mistress of the Underworld. My hobbies include climbing mountains and making cages... I'm a gloomy woman.”
“Things I don't like... Obviously Ishtar, extravagance, and useless humans.”
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hansoeii · 3 years ago
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Every time I see sylki shippers say that Lokius doesn't make any sense because there's nothing romantic between them and how could these two possibly be a couple I just... are they blind, stupid, or both? OR are we blind and stupid and see things that aren't there? I swear I very rarely ship characters but sometimes I just read/watch stuff and it hits me and I'm just "wow, they're in love." It's not like I'm shipping every guy with another guy or something, I actually did that maybe 2 times in my life when I was very adamant about it, and it was with Hannibal with Will and now I'm like that with Loki and Mobius. And people also kept saying we fetishize Hannigram, that they're both straight and in relationships with women and look how that ended :)))
Yeah, like I personally really love shipping characters, but most of the time it's just for fun and I never take it seriously. But then there's cases in which it's genuinely RIGHT THERE. It's not just some headcanon I made up, no it's literally right there and it drives me insane when people say they don't see it. Loki and Mobius is one of those cases. Even my parents see it! They just complete each other so well. But they also have scenes together that just do not have a heterosexual explanation and the fact that a bisexual woman was directing these scenes also convinces me that it wasn't accidental.
For example: the straight up flirting from Mobius towards Loki. The "I know", "pussycat", "if looks could kill" and just the way he looks at him?? He always looks so smitten around Loki? It drives me crazy.
Then the tie scene??? What was that about?
Plus they really made Mobius the first character Loki opens up to and genuinely trusts, they make him his very first friend and let Mobius be the first person Loki hugs too? Plus, now after the final episode he is all Loki has left as well. This is a romance, I don't care what anyone else tries to tell me.
Also the fact they gave us this guy that knows absolutely everything about Loki, but doesn't judge him for any of his actions but instead wants him to grow and become a better person. This is exactly the kind of person Loki needs at his side. Absolutely no one can ever top what Mobius is to Loki, there's no possible love interest for Loki that could ever even come close to Mobius and the writers and directors gotta see that too.
Loki is literally confirmed bisexual now, so there's absolutely nothing going against him possibly having feelings for Mobius. No one can go "But he isn't gay!" because no, he is! He can fall for a man and this man can be Mobius. And the signs are clearly there.
To add to that, yes we do not know Mobius' sexuality but god damn this character grew such a huge queer following in such a short time which is insane, but this usually means that YES there's something hella fruity about this guy.
And obviously the straight up jealousy from Mobius in episode 4 with the "Lokius" track in the background. This just puts the cherry on top. With this they pretty much confirmed that Mobius has feelings for Loki. They even talked about how important the soundtrack is to be able to go deeper into what a character feels etc. It would be full on queerbaiting if they don't go deeper into whatever is going on between the two after this. In this day and age they gotta know what it means to use a shipname in official content. Either you pull through or you gotta be ready for a massive shitstorm. Don't use shipnames in official stuff if you don't pull through with it, all of us are f*cking tired of the constant queerbaiting.
Anyways, we aren't blind and stupid, something is going on between Loki and Mobius! This isn't fetishization, this is us seeing romantic chemistry between two characters that compliment each other really well and a romance storyline that would make a lot of sense in how it completes Loki's arc of self acceptance and growth.
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spookybias · 4 years ago
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wheresoever you go ‣ [ choi yeonjun ] ✧
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pairing: choi yeonjun x gn! reader
genre: fluff, angst | established relationship au | long distance trope.
description: yeonjun as your long distance boyfriend. in this one, the reader lives and goes to college in seoul, south korea (at first).
warning: insecurities. brief mention of suggestive content.
word count: 1.4k
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⠀ ҉ PRE LONG DISTANCE
yeonjun was a clingy boyfriend. when he greeted you, he'd give you a big hug and kiss the top of your head. he always insisted on walking you home, whether it was day or night when the two of you would part ways. and since both of you had pretty busy schedules, yeonjun would make time to talk to you or meet up with you whenever he could.
when you broke the news that you were moving, yeonjun wasn't too phased at first. in his mind, there was nothing in the world that could tear you two apart. you were in love with each other and that was all that mattered. but as soon as he learned how far you were going, the weight of the situation became too much for him.
you picked a tile on the cafe floor and decided that you'd keep your eyes there so as to not see the look on yeonjun's face when you told him the bad news. "yeonjun, my family's moving and i want to go with them."
yeonjun gave you his famous smile, the one that was reserved for 'you're so cute' moments. he chuckled, "that's so sweet of you. where are you guys going? daegu? ansan?" he stirred his drink with his bendy straw and you watched as the chocolate milkshake swirled around. that, along with the bomb you had to drop on your boyfriend, was making you dizzy. you had chosen the cafe for a reason; neither of you were bold enough to make a scene in public.
you swallowed, but couldn't seem to make your throat feel less dry. "outside of the country, jjunie."
yeonjun stopped stirring his milkshake. he leaned back in the brown leather armchair of the cafe. "like, japan?"
you blinked back tears and tried not to think about crying. "farther than that," you replied, twiddling your fingers.
"singapore?" yeonjun's eyes darted back and forth. he looked like he was about to start gasping for air, maybe even lose consciousness. you hated that the place was much farther. why couldn't it had just been a couple cities over? why did it have to be in a different continent?
after giving him all the details, yeonjun chuckled and ran his hands through his hair repeatedly. you knew he wasn't losing his mind, but he sure was losing himself over the situation. he tried to convince you that you didn't really have to move with your family. you were an adult now, and you couldn't quit school. he said you could move in with him and the others, live at their dorm, but you knew that the idea was unrealistic. neither of you were ready to move in together and his boss would never allow it. you explained that you chose to go with them, and that you could transfer universities. yeonjun wanted to get mad at you, but instead, he respected your decision.
yeonjun got used to the idea of you being away from him for some time. that's just it, he got used to the idea. it hadn't actually hit him that you were moving far, far away until one day he came over, and you showed him pictures of what your family's new house would look like.
that's when yeonjun started to feel overwhelmed and anxious. he kept thinking that when you finally went over there, you would find someone within reach who was better than him in every possible way. so to fulfill his own insecurities, he would come at you with expensive gifts and outstanding dates. but then one day you told him that the two of you needed to talk and his fear of being broken up with went from a level 2 to a level 7. every time you tried to discuss the fact that you were moving away, he'd distract you with more expensive gifts and physical affection. afterwards, he always pretended to fall asleep or that he had to rush home so that you couldn't break up with him.
yeonjun wasn't sure what to do next. even the others knew there was something going on with him. it was two weeks before you would be leaving, and he was too afraid to talk to you because he thought you were going to dump him. though, he knew he needed to talk to you if he wanted you to stay with him.
it didn't take long for you to figure out what was going on with your boyfriend. so one day, you asked him out to breakfast, acting as if it would just be a regular date. yeonjun was stressed out the night before, wondering if you'd mention that you were leaving soon. when he showed up he had bags under his eyes and his hair was a mess. he picked at his food the entire time, awaiting heartbreak. however, you weren't going to break up with him, and you needed to make that clear.
you reached across the table and took the fork out of yeonjun's hand. you intertwined your fingers with his and looked him straight in the eyes. "jjunie, why don't you talk to me anymore ?"
"y-you still call me jjunie?" yeonjun sniffled, but he refused to cry. you had your reasons for dumping him and he would just have to accept it.
"why wouldn't i call you jjunie?" you squinted at your boyfriend and sighed. "yeonjun, i'm not breaking up with you. i know you think i am."
yeonjun relaxed his shoulders. it felt like the weight he had been carrying for a few months had finally lifted. he closed his eyes, leaned back in his seat like he did the day you broke the bad news, and took a deep breath. he covered his face with his hands and asked in a tiny voice, "why did you want to talk to me?" he concluded himself to be a total loser.
"jjunie, are you dumb?" you giggled. "you're my boyfriend. i wanted to talk to you about what the plan was. you know, like what time is best to call, when you think we'd be able to see-"
yeonjun leaned over the cafe table and kissed you hard, cutting off your sentence. he loved you so much.
the day of departure, yeonjun accompanied you and your family to the airport. he held you in his arms, and tried to ignore the fact that it would be a long time until he got to hug you again. he wanted to put the moment in a bottle so that he could return at any time, and hold you for as long as he wanted. but he you knew he was okay. he knew the two of you would be okay.
⠀ ҉ POST LONG DISTANCE
yeonjun is still a clingy boyfriend. you guys would always shower each other in romantic gestures, but now it's triple the cheesy messages, double the cute playlists, and a whole lot of phone calls and video chats.
when he visits a new place, he always takes a picture to send to you and adds, "when you come back, let's go here together."
he sends you a whole lot of videos and voice messages, and you do the same, especially if it's a very busy day for one of you and you know you might not get the chance to talk. yeonjun's favorite thing to do is send you a voice message right when he wakes up so you can hear his raspy voice, and send videos of him blowing kisses at the camera.
it's much easier to tease you now. when he sees an outfit that's cute and a little sinful while walking past a store, he takes a picture to send to you and goes, "you would look cute in this. should i ship it to you so you can call me while wearing it?" please forgive the man, he doesn't get any action now that you're gone.
you spam him with tons of selfies. he saves all of them... until he runs out of storage and has to choose which ones he loves more and it's harder than any exam he's ever taken.
the idea of seeing him again is always on your mind. you miss the times he would walk you home, kiss your forehead, let you sit on his lap. and yeonjun constantly thinks about all of your old cuddle sessions and movie nights. he misses you so so much.
as far as insecurities go, yeonjun isn't worried about you ending things with him anymore. you, on the other hand, get a little nervous whenever you're on the phone with him and hear a charming voice in the background. yeonjun senses you're uneasiness, and has no problem explaining who it is and what's going on.
there's nothing to worry about, though. neither of you are going anywhere. long distance is a piece of cake to yeonjun now, and you know you'll hold each other soon.
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potteresque-ire · 4 years ago
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Can you talk more about the usage of the word "wife" to talk about men in the BL context? I've noticed it in BJYX (particularly with GG), in the (English translations) of MDZS, and then it came up in your recent posts about Danmei-101 (which were super helpful btw) with articles connecting the "little fresh meat" type to fans calling an actor "wife." My initial reaction as a westerner is like "this is very problematic," but I think I'm missing a lot of language/cultural context. Any thoughts?
Hello! First of all, for those who’re interested, here’s a link to the referred posts. Under the cut is arguably the 4th post of the series. As usual, I apologise for the length!
(Topics: seme and uke; more about “leftover women”; roster of feminisation terms; Daji, Bao Si & the origin of BJYX; roster of beautiful, ancient Chinese men; Chairman Mao (not part of the roster) ...)
[TW: feminisation of men]
In the traditional BL characterisation, the M/M (double male) lead pairing is essentially a cis-het relationship in disguise, in which one of the M leads is viewed as the “wife” by the creator and audience. This lead often possesses some of the features of the traditional, stereotypical female, but retaining his male appearance. 
In BL terms, the “wife” is the “uke”. “Seme” and “uke” are the respective roles taken by the two male leads, and designated by the creator of the material. Literally, “seme” (攻め) means the dominant, the attacking / aggressive partner in the relationship and “uke” (受け), the passive / recipient (of actions) partner who tends to follow the seme’s lead. The terms themselves do not have any sexual / gender context.  However, as male and female are viewed as aggressive and passive by their traditional social roles, and the attacker and recipient by their traditional sexual roles respectively, BL fandoms have long assigned uke, the passive, sexual “bottom”, as the “woman”, the “wife”. 
Danmei has kept this “semi” and uke” tradition from BL, taking the kanji of the Japanese terms for designation ~ 攻 (”attack” is therefore the “husband”, and 受 (”receive”), the “wife”. The designations are often specified in the introduction / summary of Danmei works as warning / enticement. For MDZS, for example, MXTX wrote:
高貴冷豔悶騷 攻 × 邪魅狂狷風騷 受
高貴冷豔悶騷 攻 = noble, coolly beautiful and boring seme (referring to LWJ)  邪魅狂狷風騷 受 = devilishly charming, wild, and flirty uke (referring to WWX) 
The traditional, stereotypical female traits given to the “uke”, the “wife” in Danmei and their associated fanworks range from their personality to behaviour to even biological functions. Those who have read the sex scenes in MDZS may be aware of their lack of mention of lube, while WWX was written as getting (very) wet from fluids from his colon (腸道) ~ implying that his colon, much like a vagina, was supplying the necessarily lubrication for sex. This is obviously biologically inaccurate; however, Danmei is exempt from having to be realistic by its original Tanbi definition. The genre’s primary audience is cishet females, and sex scenes such as this one aren’t aiming for realism. Rather, the primary goal of these sex scenes is to generate fantasy, and the purpose of the biologically female functions in one of the leads (WWX) is to ease the readers into imagining themselves as the one engaging in the sex.
Indeed, these practices of assigning as males and female the M/M sexual top and bottom, of emphasising of who is the top and who is the bottom, have been falling out of favour in Western slash fandoms ~ I joined fandom about 15 years ago, and top and bottom designations in slash pairings (and fights about them) were much more common than it is now.  The generally more open, more progressive environments in which Western fandomers are immersed in probably have something to do with it: they transfer their RL knowledge, their views on biology, on different social into their fandom works and discourses. 
I’d venture to say this: in the English-speaking fandoms, fandom values and mainstream values are converging. “Cancel culture” reflects an attempt to enforce RL values in the fictional worlds in fandom. Fandom culture is slowly, but surely, leaving its subculture status and becoming part of mainstream culture. 
I’d hesitate to call c-Danmei fandoms backward compared to Western slash for this reason. There’s little hope for Danmei to converge with China’s mainstream culture in the short term ~ the necessity of replacing Danmei with Dangai in visual media already reflects that. Danmei is and will likely remain subculture in the foreseeable future, and subcultures, at heart, are protests against the mainstream. Unless China and the West define “mainstream” very similarly (and they don’t), it is difficult to compare the “progressiveness”—and its dark side, the “problematic-ness”—of the protests, which are shaped by what they’re protesting against. The “shaper” in this scenario, the mainstream values and culture, are also far more forceful under China’s authoritarian government than they are in the free(-er) world. 
Danmei, therefore, necessarily takes on a different form in China than BL or slash outside China. As a creative pursuit, it serves to fulfil psychological needs that are reflective of its surrounding culture and sociopolitical environment. The genre’s “problematic” / out of place aspects in the eyes of Western fandoms are therefore, like all other aspects of the genre, tailor-made by its millions of fans to be comforting / cathartic for the unique culture and sociopolitical background it and they find themselves in. 
I briefly detoured to talk about the Chinese government’s campaign to pressure young, educated Chinese women into matrimony and motherhood in the post for this reason, as it is an example of how, despite Western fandoms’ progressiveness, they may be inadequate, distant for c-Danmei fans. Again, this article is a short and a ... morbidly-entertaining read on what has been said about China’s “leftover women” (剩女) — women who are unmarried and over 27-years-old). I talked about it, because “Women should enter marriage and parenthood in their late 20s” may no longer a mainstream value in many Western societies, but where it still is, it exerts a strong influence on how women view romance, and by extension, how they interact with romantic fiction, including Danmei.
In China, this influence is made even stronger by the fact that Chinese tradition  places a strong emphasis on education and holds a conservative attitude towards romance and sex. Dating while studying therefore remains discouraged in many Chinese families. University-educated Chinese women therefore have an extremely short time frame — between graduation (~23 years old) and their 27th birthday — to find “the right one” and get married, before they are labelled as “leftovers” and deemed undesirable. (Saving) face being an important aspect in Chinese culture introduces yet another layer of pressure: traditionally, women who don’t get married by the age agreed by social norms have been viewed as failures of upbringing, in that the unmarried women’s parents not having taught/trained their daughters well. Filial, unmarried women therefore try to get married “on time” just to avoid bringing shame to their family.
The outcome is this: despite the strong women characters we may see in Chinese visual media, many young Chinese women nowadays do not expect themselves to be able to marry for love. Below, I offer a “book jacket summary” of a popular internet novel in China, which shows how the associated despair also affects cis-het fictional romance. Book reviews praise this novel for being “boring”: the man and woman leads are both common working class people, the “you-and-I”’s; the mundaneness of them trying build their careers and their love life is lit by one shining light: he loves her and she loves him. 
Written in her POV, this summary reflects, perhaps, the disquiet felt by many contemporary Chinese women university graduates:
曾經以為,自己這輩子都等不到了—— 世界這麼大,我又走得這麼慢,要是遇不到良人要怎麼辦?早過了「全球三十幾億男人,中國七億男人,天涯何處無芳草」的猖狂歲月,越來越清楚,循規蹈矩的生活中,我們能熟悉進而深交的異性實在太有限了,有限到我都做好了「接受他人的牽線,找個適合的男人慢慢煨熟,再平淡無奇地進入婚姻」的準備,卻在生命意外的拐彎處迎來自己的另一半。
I once thought, my wait will never come to fruition for the rest of my life — the world is so big, I’m so slow in treading it, what if I’ll never meet the one? I’ve long passed the wild days of thinking “3 billion men exist on Earth, 0.7 of which are Chinese. There is plenty more fish in the sea.” I’m seeing, with increasing clarity, that in our disciplined lives, the number of opposite-sex we can get to know, and get to know well, is so limited. It’s so limited that I’m prepared to accept someone’s matchmaking, find a suitable man and slowly, slowly, warm up to him, and then, to enter marriage with without excitement, without wonder. But then, an accidental turn in my life welcomes in my other half.
— Oath of Love (餘生,請多指教) (Yes, this is the novel Gg’d upcoming drama is based on.) 
Heteronormativity is, of course, very real in China. However, that hasn’t exempted Chinese women, even its large cis-het population, from having their freedom to pursue their true love taken away from them. Even for cis-het relationships, being able to marry for love has become a fantasy —a fantasy scorned by the state. Remember this quote from Article O3 in the original post? 
耽改故事大多远离现实,有些年轻受众却将其与生活混为一谈,产生不以结婚和繁衍为目的才是真爱之类的偏颇认知。
Most Dangai stories are far removed from reality; some young audience nonetheless mix them up with real life, develop biased understanding such as “only love that doesn’t treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations is true love”. 
I didn’t focus on it in the previous posts, in an effort to keep the discussion on topic. But why did the op-ed piece pick this as an example of fantasy-that-shouldn’t-be-mixed-up-with-real-life, in the middle of a discussion about perceived femininity of men that actually has little to do with matrimony and reproduction? 
Because the whole point behind the state’s “leftover women” campaign is precisely to get women to treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations, not beautiful sceneries that happen along the way. And they’re the state’s destination as more children = higher birth rate that leads to higher future productivity. The article is therefore calling out Danmei for challenging this “mainstream value”.
Therefore, while the statement True love doesn’t treat matrimony and reproduction as destinations may be trite for many of us while it may be a point few, if any, English-speaking fandoms may pay attention to, to the mainstream culture Danmei lives in, to the mainstream values dictated by the state, it is borderline subversive.
As much as Danmei may appear “tame” for its emphasis on beauty and romance, for it to have stood for so long, so firmly against China’s (very) forceful mainstream culture, the genre is also fundamentally rebellious.  Remember: Danmei has little hope of converging with China’s mainstream unless it “sells its soul” and removes its homoerotic elements. 
With rebelliousness, too, comes a bit of tongue-in-cheek.
And so, when c-Danmei fans, most of whom being cishet women who interact with the genre by its traditional BL definition, call one of the leads 老婆 (wife), it can and often take on a different flavour. As said before, it can be less about feminizing the lead than about identifying with the lead. The nickname 老婆 (wife) can be less about being disrespectful and more about humorously expressing an aspiration—the aspiration to have a husband who truly loves them, who they do want to get married and have babies with but out of freedom and not obligation.
Admittedly, I had been confused, and bothered by these “can-be”s myself. Just because there are alternate reasons for the feminisation to happen doesn’t mean the feminisation itself is excusable. But why the feminisation of M/M leads doesn’t sound as awful to me in Chinese as in English? How can calling a self-identified man 老婆 (wife) get away with not sounding being predominantly disrespectful to my ears, when I would’ve frowned at the same thing said in my vicinity in English?
I had an old hypothesis: when I was little, it was common to hear people calling acquaintances in Chinese by their unflattering traits:  “Deaf-Eared Chan” (Mr Chan, who’s deaf), “Fat Old Woman Lan” (Ah-Lan, who’s an overweight woman) etc—and the acquaintances were perfectly at ease with such identifications, even introducing themselves to strangers that way. Comparatively speaking then, 老婆 (wife) is harmless, even endearing. 
老婆, which literally means “old old-lady” (implying wife = the woman one gets old with), first became popularised as a colloquial, casual way of calling “wife” in Hong Kong and its Cantonese dialect, despite the term itself being about 1,500 years old. As older generations of Chinese were usually very shy about talking about their love lives, those who couldn’t help themselves and regularly spoke of their 老婆 tended to be those who loved their wives in my memory. 老婆, as a term, probably became endearing to me that way. 
Maybe this is why the feminisation of M/M leads didn’t sound so bad to me?
This hypothesis was inadequate, however. This custom of identifying people by their (unflattering) traits has been diminishing in Hong Kong and China, for similar reasons it has been considered inappropriate in the West.
Also, 老婆 (wife) is not the only term used for / associated with feminisation. I’ve tried to limit the discussion to Danmei, the fictional genre; now, I’ll jump to its associated RPS genre, and specifically, the YiZhan fandoms. The purpose of this jump: with real people involved, feminisation’s effect is potentially more harmful, more acute. Easier to feel. 
YiZhan fans predominantly entered the fandoms through The Untamed, and they’ve also transferred Danmei’s  “seme”/“uke” customs into YiZhan. There are, therefore, three c-YiZhan fandoms:
博君一肖 (BJYX): seme Dd, uke Gg 戰山為王 (ZSWW): seme Gg, uke Dd 連瑣反應 (LSFY): riba Gg and Dd. Riba = “reversible”, and unlike “seme” and “uke”, is a frequently-used term in the Japanese gay community. 
BJYX is by far the largest of the three, likely due to Gg having played WWX, the “uke” in MDZS / TU. I’ll therefore focus on this fandom, ie. Gg is the “uke”, the “wife”.
For Gg alone, I’ve seen him being also referred to by YiZhan fans as (and this is far from a complete list):
* 姐姐 (sister) * 嫂子 (wife of elder brother; Dd being the elder brother implied) * 妃妃 (based on the very first YiZhan CP name, 太妃糖 Toffee Candy, a portmanteau of sorts from Dd being the 太子 “prince” of his management company and Gg being the prince’s wife, 太子妃. 糖 = “candy”. 太妃 sounds like toffee in English and has been used as the latter’s Chinese translation.) * 美人 (beauty, as in 肖美人 “Beauty Xiao”) * Daji 妲己 (as in 肖妲己, “Daji Xiao”). 
The last one needs historical context, which will also become important for explaining the new hypothesis I have.
Daji was a consort who lived three thousand years ago, whose beauty was blamed for the fall of the Shang dynasty. Gg (and men sharing similar traits, who are exceptionally rare) has been compared to Daji 妲己 for his alternatively innocent, alternatively seductive beauty ~ the kind of beauty that, in Chinese historical texts and folk lores, lead to the fall of kingdoms when possessed by the king’s beloved woman. This kind of “I-get-to-ruin-her-virginity”, “she’s a slut in MY bedroom” beauty is, of course, a stereotypical fantasy for many (cis-het) men, which included the authors of these historical texts and folklores. However, it also contained some truth: the purity / innocence, the image of a virgin, was required for an ancient woman to be chosen as a consort; the seduction, meanwhile, helped her to become the top consort, and monopolise the attention of kings and emperors who often had hundreds of wives ~ wives who often put each other in danger to eliminate competition. 
Nowadays, women of tremendous beauty are still referred to by the Chinese idiom 傾國傾城, literally, ”falling countries, falling cities”. The beauty is also implied to be natural, expressed in a can’t-help-itself way, perhaps reflecting the fact that the ancient beauties on which this idiom has been used couldn’t possibly have plastic surgeries, and most of them didn’t meet a good end ~ that they had to pay a price for their beauty, and often, with their lowly status as women, as consorts, they didn’t get to choose whether they wanted to pay this price or not. This adjective is considered to be very flattering. Gg’s famous smile from the Thailand Fanmeet has been described, praised as 傾城一笑: “a smile that topples a city”.
I’m explaining Daji and 傾國傾城 because the Chinese idiom 博君一笑 “doing anything to get a smile from you”, from which the ship’s name BJYX 博君一肖  was derived (笑 and 肖 are both pronounced “xiao”), is connected to yet another of such dynasty-falling beauty, Bao Si 褒姒. Like Daji before her, Bao Si was blamed for the end of the Zhou Dynasty in 771 BC. 
The legend went like this: Bao Si was melancholic, and to get her to smile, her king lit warning beacons and got his nobles to rush in from the nearby vassal states with their armies to come and rescue him, despite not being in actual danger. The nobles, in their haste, looked so frantic and dishevelled that Bao Si found it funny and smiled. Longing to see more of the smile of his favourite woman, the king would fool his nobles again and again, until his nobles no longer heeded the warning beacons when an actual rebellion came. 
What the king did has been described as 博紅顏一笑, with 紅顏 (”red/flushed face”) meaning a beautiful woman, referring to Bao Si. Replace 紅顏 with the respectful “you”, 君, we get 博君一笑. If one searches the origin of the phrase 博 [fill_in_the_blank]一笑 online, Bao Si’s story shows up.
The “anything” in ”doing anything to get a smile from you” in 博君一笑, therefore, is not any favour, but something as momentous as giving away one’s own kingdom. c-turtles have remarked, to their amusement and admittedly mine, that “king”, in Chinese, is written as 王, which is Dd’s surname, and very occasionally, they jokingly compare him to the hopeless kings who’d give away everything for their love. Much like 傾國傾城 has become a flattering idiom despite the negative reputations of Daji and Bao Si for their “men-ruining ways”, 博君一笑 has become a flattering phrase, emphasising on the devotion and love rather than the ... stupidity behind the smile-inducing acts. 
(Bao Si’s story, BTW, was a lie made up by historians who also lived later but also thousands of years ago, to absolve the uselessness of the king. Warning beacons didn’t exist at her time.)  
Gg is arguably feminized even in his CP’s name. Gg’s feminisation is everywhere. 
And here comes my confession time ~ I’ve been amused by most of the feminisation terms above. 肖妲己 (”Daji Xiao”) captures my imagination, and I remain quite partial to the CP name BJYX. Somehow, there’s something ... somewhat forgivable when the feminisation is based on Gg’s beauty, especially in the context of the historical Danmei / Dangai setting of MDZS/TU ~ something that, while doesn’t cancel, dampens the “problematic-ness” of the gender mis-identification.
What, exactly, is this something?
Here’s my new hypothesis, and hopefully I’ll manage to explain it well ~
The hypothesis is this: the unisex beauty standard for historical Chinese men and women, which is also breathtakingly similar to the modern beauty standard for Chinese women, makes feminisation in the context of Danmei (especially historical Danmei) flattering, and easier to accept.
What defined beauty in historical Chinese men? If I am to create a classically beautiful Chinese man for my new historical Danmei, how would I describe him based on what I’ve read, my cultural knowledge?
Here’s a list:
* Skin fair and smooth as white jade * Thin, even frail; narrow/slanted shoulders; tall * Dark irises and bright, starry eyes * Not too dense, neat eyebrows that are shaped like swords ~ pointed slightly upwards from the center towards the sides of the face * Depending on the dynasty, nice makeup.
Imagine these traits. How “macho” are they? How much do they fit the ideal Chinese masculine beauty advertised by Chinese government, which looks like below?
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Propaganda poster, 1969. The caption says “Defeat Imperialist US! Defeat Social Imperialism!” The book’s name is “Quotations from Mao Zedong”. (Source)
Where did that list of traits I’ve written com from? Fair like jade, frail ... why are they so far from the ... “macho”ness of the men in the poster? 
What has Chinese history said about its beautiful men? 
Wei Jie (衛玠 286-312 BCE), one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men (古代四大美男) recorded in Chinese history famously passed away when fans of his beauty gathered and formed a wall around him, blocking his way. History recorded Wei as being frail with chronic illness, and was only 27 years old when he died. Arguably the first historical account of “crazy fans killing their idol”, this incident left the idiom 看殺衛玠 ~ “Wei Jie being watched to death.” ~ a not very “macho” way to die at all.
潘安 (Pan An; 247-300 BCE), another one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men, also had hoards of fangirls, who threw fruits and flowers at him whenever he ventured outside. The Chinese idiom 擲果盈車 “thrown fruit filling a cart” was based on Pan and ... his fandom, and denotes such scenarios of men being so beautiful that women openly displayed their affections for them. 
Meanwhile, when Pan went out with his equally beautiful male friend, 夏侯湛 Xiahou Zhan, folks around them called them 連璧 ~ two connected pieces of perfect jade. Chinese Jade is white, smooth, faintly glowing in light, so delicate that it gives the impression of being somewhat transparent.
Aren’t Wei Jie and Pan An reminiscent of modern day Chinese idols, the “effeminate” “Little Fresh Meat”s (小鲜肉) so panned by Article O3? Their stories, BTW, also elucidated the historical reference in LWJ’s description of being jade-like in MDZS, and in WWX and LWJ being thrown pippas along the Gusu river bank. 
Danmei, therefore, didn’t create a trend of androgynous beauty in men as much as it has borrowed the ancient, traditional definition of masculine Chinese beauty ~ the beauty that was more feminine than masculine by modern standards.  
[Perhaps, CPs should be renamed 連璧 (”two connected pieces of perfect jade”) as a reminder of the aesthetics’ historical roots.]
Someone may exclaim now: But. But!! Yet another one of the four most beautiful ancient Chinese men, 高長恭 (Gao Changgong, 541-573 BCE), far better known by his title, 蘭陵王 (”the Prince of Lanling”), was a famous general. He had to be “macho”, right?
... As it turns out, not at all. Historical texts have described Gao as “貌柔心壮,音容兼美” (”soft in looks and strong at heart, beautiful face and voice”), “白美類婦人” (”fair and beautiful as a woman”), “貌若婦人” (”face like a woman”). Legends have it that The Prince of Lanling’s beauty was so soft, so lacking in authority that he had to wear a savage mask to get his soldiers to listen to his command (and win) on the battlefield (《樂府雜錄》: 以其顏貌無威,每入陣即著面具,後乃百戰百勝).
This should be emphasised: Gao’s explicitly feminine descriptions were recorded in historical texts as arguments *for* his beauty. Authors of these texts, therefore, didn’t view the feminisation as insult. In fact, they used the feminisation to drive the point home, to convince their readers that men like the Prince of Lanling were truly, absolutely good looking.
Being beautiful like a women was therefore high praise for men in, at least, significant periods in Chinese history ~ periods long and important enough for these records to survive until today. Beauty, and so it goes, had once been largely free of distinctions between the masculine and feminine.
One more example of an image of an ancient Chinese male beauty being similar to its female counterpart, because the history nerd in me finds this fun. 
何晏 (He Yan, ?-249 BCE) lived in the Wei Jin era (between 2nd to 4th century), during which makeup was really en vogue. Known for his beauty, he was also famous for his love of grooming himself. The emperor, convinced that He Yan’s very fair skin was from the powder he was wearing, gave He Yan some very hot foods to eat in the middle of the summer. He Yan began to sweat, had to wipe himself with his sleeves and in the process, revealed to the emperor that his fair beauty was 100% natural ~ his skin glowed even more with the cosmetics removed (《世說新語·容止第十四》: 何平叔美姿儀,面至白。魏明帝疑其傅粉,正夏月,與熱湯餅。既啖,大汗出,以朱衣自拭,色轉皎然). His kick-cosmetics’-ass fairness won him the nickname 傅粉何郎 (”powder-wearing Mr He”).
Not only would He Yan very likely be mistaken as a woman if this scene is transferred to a modern setting, but this scene can very well fit inside a Danmei story of the 21st century and is very, very likely to get axed by the Chinese censorship board for its visualisation. 
[Important observation from this anecdote: the emperor was totally into this trend too.]
The adjectives and phrases used above to describe these beautiful ancient Chinese men ~ 貌柔, 音容兼美, 白美, 美姿儀, 皎然 ~ have all become pretty much reserved for describing beauty in women nowadays. Beauty standards in ancient China were, as mentioned before, had gone through significantly long periods in which they were largely genderless. The character for beauty 美 (also in Danmei, 耽美) used to have little to no gender association. Free of gender associations as well were the names of many flowers. The characters for orchid (蘭) and lotus (蓮), for example, were commonly found in men’s names as late as the Republican era (early 20th century), but are now almost exclusively found in women’s names. Both orchid and lotus have historically been used to indicate 君子 (junzi, roughly, “gentlemen”), which have always been men. MDZS also has an example of a man named after a flower: Jin Ling’s courtesy name, given to him by WWX,  was 如蘭 (”like an orchid”). 
A related question may be this: why does ancient China associate beauty with fairness, with softness, with frailty? Likely, because Confucianist philosophy and customs put a heavy emphasis on scholarship ~ and scholars have mostly consisted of soft-spoken, not muscular, not working-under-the-sun type of men. More importantly, Confucianist scholars also occupied powerful government positions. Being, and looking like a Confucianist scholar was therefore associated with status. Indeed, it’s very difficult to look like jade when one was a farmer or a soldier, for example, who constantly had to toil under the sun, whose skin was constantly being dried and roughened by the elements. Having what are viewed as “macho” beauty traits as in the poster above ~ tanned skin, bulging muscles, bony structures (which also take away the jade’s smoothness) ~ were associated with hard labour, poverty and famine.
Along that line, 手無縛雞之力 (“hands without the strength to restrain a chicken”) has long been a phrase used to describe ancient scholars and students, and without scorn or derision. Love stories of old, which often centred around scholars were, accordingly, largely devoid of the plot lines of husbands physically protecting the wives, performing the equivalent of climbing up castle walls and fighting dragons etc. Instead, the faithful husbands wrote poems, combed their wife’s hair, traced their wife’s eyebrows with cosmetics (畫眉)...all activities that didn’t require much physical strength, and many of which are considered “feminine” nowadays.
Were there periods in Chinese history in which more ... sporty men and women were appreciated? Yes. the Tang dynasty, for example, and the Yuan and Qing dynasties. The Tang dynasty, as a very powerful, very open era in Chinese history, was known for its relations to the West (via the Silk Road). The Yuan and Qing dynasties, meanwhile, were established by Mongolians and Manchus respectively, who, as non-Han people, had not been under the influence of Confucian culture and grew up on horsebacks, rather than in schools.
The idea that beautiful Chinese men should have “macho” attributes was, therefore, largely a consequence of non-Han-Chinese influence, especially after early 20th century. That was when the characters for beauty (美), orchid (蘭), lotus (蓮) etc began their ... feminisation. The Chinese Communist Party (CCP), which started its reign of the country starting 1949, also has foreign roots, being a derivative of the Soviets, and its portrayal of ideal men has been based on the party’s ideology, painting them as members of the People’s Liberation Army (Chinese army) and its two major proletariat classes, farmers and industrial workers ~ all occupations that are “macho” in their aesthetics, but held at very poor esteem in ancient Chinese societies. All occupations that, to this day, may be hailed as noble by Chinese women, but not really deemed attractive by them.
Beauty, being an instinct, is perhaps much more resistant to propaganda.
If anything, the three terms Article O3 used to describe “effeminate” men ~ 奶油小生 “cream young men” (popularised in 1980s) , 花美男 “flowery beautiful men” (early 2000s), 小鲜肉 “little fresh meat” (coined in 2014 and still popular now) ~ only informs me how incredibly consistent the modern Chinese women’s view of ideal male beauty has been. It’s the same beauty the Chinese Communist Party has called feminine. It’s the same beauty found in Danmei. It’s the same beauty that, when witnessed in men in ancient China, was so revered that historians recorded it for their descendants to remember. It doesn’t mean there aren’t any women who appreciate the "macho” type ~ it’s just that, the appreciation for the non-macho type has never really gone out of fashion, never really changed. The only thing that is really changing is the name of the type, the name’s positive or negative connotations.
(Personally, I’m far more uncomfortable with the name “Little fresh meat” (小鲜肉) than 老婆 (wife). I find it much more insulting.)
Anyway, what I’d like to say is this: feminisation in Danmei ~ a genre that, by definition, is hyper-focused on aesthetics ~ may not be as "problematic” in Chinese as it is in English, because the Chinese tradition didn’t make that much of a differentiation between masculine and feminine beauty. Once again, this isn’t to say such mis-gendering isn’t disrespectful; it’s just that, perhaps, it is less disrespectful because Chinese still retains a cultural memory in which equating a beautiful man to a beautiful woman was the utmost flattery. 
I must put a disclaimer here: I cannot vouch for this being true for the general Chinese population. This is something that is buried deep enough inside me that it took a lot of thought for me to tease out, to articulate. More importantly, while I grow up in a Chinese-speaking environment, I’ve never lived inside China. My history knowledge, while isn’t shabby, hasn’t been filtered through the state education system.
I’d also like to point out as well, along this line of thought, that in *certain* (definitely not all) aspects, Chinese society isn’t as sexist as the West. While historically, China has periods of extreme sexism against women, with the final dynasties of Ming and Qing being examples, I must (reluctantly) acknowledge Chairman Mao for significantly lifting the status of women during his rule. Here’s a famous quote of his from 1955:
婦女能頂半邊天 Women can lift half the skies
The first marriage code, passed in 1950, outlawed forced marriages, polygamy, and ensured equal rights between husband and wife.  For the first time in centuries, women were encouraged to go outside of their homes and work. Men resisted at first, wanting to keep their wives at home; women who did work were judged poorly for their performance and given less than 50% of men’s wage, which further fuelled the men’s resistance. Mao said the above quote after a commune in Guizhou introduced the “same-work-same-wage” system to increase its productivity, and he asked for the same system to to be replicated across the country. (Source)
When Chairman Mao wanted something, it happened. Today, Chinese women’s contribution to the country’s GDP remains among the highest in the world.  They make up more than half of the country’s top-scoring students. They’re the dominant gender in universities, in the ranks of local employees of international corporations in the Shanghai and Beijing central business districts—among the most sought after jobs in the country. While the inequality between men and women in the workplace is no where near wiped out — stories about women having to sleep with higher-ups to climb the career ladder, or even get their PhDs are not unheard of, and the central rulership of the Chinese Communist Party has been famously short of women — the leap in women’s rights has been significant over the past century, perhaps because of how little rights there had been before ~ at the start of the 20th century, most Chinese women from relatively well-to-do families still practised foot-binding, in which their feet were literally crushed during childhood in the name of beauty, of status symbol. They couldn’t even walk properly.
Perhaps, the contemporary Chinese women’s economic contribution makes the sexism they encounter in their lives, from the lack of reproductive rights to the “leftover women” label, even harder to swallow. It makes their fantasies fly to even higher, more defiant heights. The popularity of Dangai right now is pretty much driven by women, as acknowledged by Article O3. Young women, especially, female fans who people have dismissed as “immature”, “crazy”, are responsible for the threat the Chinese government is feeling now by the genre.
This is no small feat. While the Chinese government complains about the “effeminate” men from Danmei / Dangai, its propaganda has been heavily reliant on stars who have risen to popularity to these genres. The film Dd is currently shooting, Chinese Peacekeeping Force (維和部隊), also stars Huang Jingyu (黄景瑜), and Zhang Zhehan (張哲瀚) ~ the three actors having shot to fame from The Untamed (Dangai), Addicted (Danmei), and Word of Honour (Dangai) respectively.  Zhang, in particular, played the “uke” role in Word of Honour and has also been called 老婆 (wife) by his fans. The quote in Article O3, “Ten years as a tough man known by none; one day as a beauty known by all” was also implicitly referring to him.
Perhaps, the government will eventually realise that millennia-old standards of beauty are difficult to bend, and by extension, what is considered appropriate gender expression of Chinese men and women. 
In the metas I’ve posted, therefore, I’ve hesitated in using terms such as homophobia, sexism, and ageism etc, opting instead to make long-winded explanations that essentially amount to these terms (thank you everyone who’s reading for your patience!). Because while the consequence is similar—certain fraction of the populations are subjected to systemic discrimination, abuse, given less rights, treated as inferior etc—these words, in English, also come with their own context, their own assumptions that may not apply to the situation. It reminds me of what Leo Tolstoy wrote in Anna Karenina,
“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
Discrimination in each country, each culture is humiliating, unhappy in its own way. Both sexism and homophobia are rampant in China, but as their roots are different from those of the West, the ways they manifest are different, and so must the paths to their dissolution. I’ve also hesitated on calling out individual behaviours or confronting individuals for this reason. i-Danmei fandoms are where i-fans and c-fans meet, where English-speaking doesn’t guarantee a non-Chinese sociopolitical background (there may be students from China, for example; I’m also ... not entirely Western), and I find it difficult to articulate appropriate, convincing arguments without knowing individual backgrounds.
Frankly, I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing. Because I do hope feminisation will soon fade into extinction, especially in i-Danmei fandoms that, if they continue to prosper on international platforms, may eventually split from c-Danmei fandoms along the cultural (not language) line due to the vast differences in environmental constraints. My hope is especially true when real people are involved, and c-fandoms, I’d like to note, are not unaware of the issues surrounding feminisation ~ it has already been explicitly forbidden in BJYX’s supertopic on Weibo. 
At the same time, I’ve spent so many words above to try to explain why beauty can *sometimes* lurk behind such feminisations. Please allow me to end this post with one example of feminisation that I deeply dislike—and I’ve seen it used by fans on Gg as well—is 綠茶 (”green tea”), from ���茶婊 (”green tea whore”) that means women who look pure / innocent but are, deep down, promiscuous / lustful. In some ways, its meaning isn’t so different from Daji 妲己, the consort blamed for the fall of the Shang dynasty. However, to me at least, the flattery in the feminisation is gone, perhaps because of the character “whore” (婊), because the term originated in 2013 from a notorious sex party rather than from a legendary beauty so maligned that The Investiture of the Gods (封神演義), the seminal Chinese fiction written ~2,600 years after Daji’s death, re-imagined her as a malevolent fox spirit (狐狸精) that many still remembers her as today.
Ah, to be caught between two cultures. :)
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mermaidsirennikita · 3 years ago
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Bridgerton s1 was unashamed?!!??! That scene was so bad it needed trigger warnings. It put me on the edge of a panic attack. Havent been able to make myself watch s2 yet but the absence of sexual assault would itself make it infinity times better
I'm sorry the show caused that--it really was a completely unnecessary scene. I can attest to the fact that season 2, if you ever want to try it, doesn't have anything like that.
Personally, I think the anon was referring to the idea that season 1 was unashamed of being an escapist fantasy, or perhaps a straight romance novel adaptation... Which I see the point to, in a sense. Season 1 definitely felt less like it was trying to be an ensemble, which is probably why it felt more like a straight romance adaptation. (Though I'll add that--honestly, season 1 still had way more subplots than any romance novel ever would. In a traditional romance novel, subplots are fine... But most, if not all, would be directly connected to the main love story, OR in the case of a series, setting up the next couple or couples down the road.)
There are things I think season 1 did better. Imo, the pacing was better--and aside from that one HUGE fuckup, I do think it did sex better. But the sex was undermined by that fuckup, which was derived from the source material (and toned the scene down from what it was in the original source material, I'll add). So that's a wash, and it just makes it difficult for me to say that like... season 1 was a better product when such obvious fuckups were made in that season *too*.
On top of that, those creating the show were also extremely unaware of how to write race and the optics--not only did Daphne rape Simon. Daphne, a white woman, raped Simon, a black man. The racial politics there are intense, and the show just didn't engage with that on any level. It was framed as a reaction to his misdeed, and she literally never apologized for it or acknowledged that she did anything untoward.
Then you have the issue of "one of them fell in love with one of us" dialogue, the incredibly tone deaf world building of one (1) interracial marriage solving racism. The time a pregnant Black woman was publicly humiliated and ruined so a jealous white woman could have her moment. The queerbaiting--which, honestly? I was going to wait and see on because who knows, Benedict could still be bi. But now that season 2 has aired, yeah... I think it's probably queerbaiting.
Season 2 has issues. The way India and the Sharmas' backgrounds was handled... not good. The pacing had problems. The sex thing was distracting and not well handled. There were editing issues. Writing problems. Penelope still sucks ass on the daily, and not in a fun way. But idk. I go back to the "pick your poison" thing. Neither product is *great* and neither product serves the best cast members to the degree that it should (I'm thinking RJP, JB, Simone--the standouts here). Just go with the one you like more and accept that it's a flawed product. You can still enjoy it; but comparing them from a perspective of "what is better" is just going to get you in the weeds.
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erismerald · 4 years ago
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𝑰 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒔𝒕 (Jacob Frye x reader) 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 2
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Hello creed, I bring you here the second chapter of my Jacob Frye fanfic, I hope you like it and maybe I would like to remind you that my requests are always open in case someone is interested!
Without further ado, stay safe, and happy reading!
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𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 1
𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: Fluff and a bit of teasing ;)
𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕: 3953
𝐋𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐧 𝟏𝟖𝟔𝟖
Your head hurt a little, and your vision was blurred, you felt moving but you were still, you looked around, the environment you were in was different from the wet and scary street, with a little more effort, you tried to look for details that would help you identify where you were, you were on a train. ... but how? the room you were in was well decorated, you knew that style well, your nanny was doing her best to decorate every part of the house with the rustic and elegant theme of the Victorian era, so none of that had been a dream?
You sat up in bed, feeling your body weakened, you took a deep breath and gained strength to pull yourself together, the clothes you were wearing were different, it was a nightgown, made of cotton, all black with gold details on the sleeves, after all you had really traveled in time. ... but how was that possible, one moment you were with your friends and the next you were alone in the world, flash all the memories of last night had burst into your mind, the dark street, the rain... the man who tried to abuse you, and your savior, who was he? was it him that brought you here? doubts hovered empty in your consciousness, you looked at your wrists small black marks tinged your skin, you felt pain when the palm of your fingers ventured to touch them, without realizing it you let out a 'auch', you couldn't control the fear you felt, you were alone. You wanted your grandmother by your side to calm you down, you grabbed your knees and pulled them up to your chest, and laid your head down lightly letting the tears run down your face, feeling them fall on your hands, you felt small, you felt abandoned.
Suddenly the bedroom door opened revealing a woman, still quite young she must have been in her early twenties, she smiled sweetly at you, no matter how hard you tried to hide under the blanket, that smile warmed your heart and made you smile back.
"I see you're awake at last" She approached with a tray of food that she set down on top of the couch where you were lying "My name is-" she was interrupted by a man, you recognized him, he had been the one to save you, your heart pounded hard when your gaze met.
"Ahhh finally, I'll be able to sleep in my room again" he laughed sitting down in the armchair opposite you, you bowed your head in shame
"Jacob! The girl just woke up, and you're already being a real jerk, I can't believe you're my brother sometimes" The girl said turning her attention back to you " Dear ignore him, he's just a jerk, how do you feel?"
"I... I'm confused just... I feel sick and hot" your voice came out shaky, you were nervous.
"It's because of the fever the doctor said you would feel like this for a few days, but that you would be fine, what's your name?" The girl asked meekly, sitting down in front of you, your gaze shifted a little to the man sitting in front of you, he seemed asleep.
"M-my name is Y/n L/n" again your voice betrayed you, as you said your name the girl looked shocked but interested in you.
"Your family is a great help to our brotherhood, it is an honor to have you here with us!" The girl said with a gentle smile kissing her lips, a feeling of hope embraced your body, would there still be a way back home? But in a flash, you recalled what she had said.
"M-my family? how do you know them?" you asked pulling your body forward-facing the two people sitting in front of you.
"The L/N family has always been a great help in training young assassins" Assassins? What? you didn't want to believe what you heard, all the memories were joining the truth about your family, the story your grandmother told you and you preferred not to believe was really true? It wasn't possible, but why now? why now that you had decided to find out who you were? Why now that you have finally traveled to London? And who were the people in front of you? The girl stood up and stretched her hand towards you "My name is Evie Frye, and that idiot over there is my twin brother Jacob Frye" the words that came out of her lips were like glass tearing your mind, you felt dizzy as if you couldn't breathe right, was all that true? Wasn't it possible? Was it? But how did you end up in their time? Was your grandmother right, weren't they just children's stories?
"How is it possible?" you whispered, both brothers looked at you curiously, " No, it can't be real, I must be dreaming... "Your gaze was fixed on your hands resting on the thin cloth that covered your body, crystal clear tears came out of your eyes, Evie seeing your reaction to finding out who they were hugged your body and pulled you in, you hid your face to her shoulder, letting the sadness leave your heart.
A few minutes passed, but it seemed like hours, your body was still weak from crying, in 18 years of life you had never cried so much, you took a deep breath, hugging Evie's body tightly.
"I know very well who you are" you finally said, Evie knelt down beside the sofa looking puzzled at you.
"How do you know us, love?" Jacob said getting up from the armchair and staring at you, he was much taller than you, and you felt a little embarrassed to feel his gaze fixed on yours, in one small movement you looked away from Evie, you took a deep breath and gathered your courage to expose your whole story.
"My name is Y/n L/n but I am not from here... in fact until a few minutes ago I believed that you two were part of the stories my grandmother used to tell me when I was younger... "I know well who my family is, I just didn't know their true position in this brotherhood, my grandmother used to tell me stories of the Frye twins and the adventures of the assassins to free London from the grasp of the Templars, but I always believed that you were a lie, I am not from here, nor from this time and I honestly don't know how I got here," you said between sobs, raising one of your hands to your face wiping the tears that were falling "I don't even know why I came here, for one second I was in 2020 and the next I traveled back in time to here. .. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY! I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHO I WAS, WHY DID I HAVE TO VISIT LONDON AND IGNORE ALL THE WARNINGS MY GRANDMOTHER GAVE ME? WHY DID SHE LET ME COME? DID SHE KNOW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?" Your crying turned into anger, you felt like your body was going to collapse, you felt dizzy, everything was becoming blurry but something broke your fall and held you tight, with the tremendous effort you looked up to see what had happened, the next thing you knew you were in Jacob's arms, he protected you from falling or passing out, you wanted to talk but all you could say was 'ahh' or 'I...'.
"Okay love I know it's a lot to process but you're not alone here, you have us now, we'll take care of you," Jacob said stroking your hair and holding you close to his body, the beating of his heart helped you calm down. "Now what do you mean 2020? We can tell you're not from here but did this happen? Evie?" Jacob called his sister's name they both looked at each other, and after a few seconds, Evie had an idea.
"Let's wait for you to recover so you can tell us everything straight so we can understand what's going on, but..." Evie stopped sighing "Until you can get back home we have to make you unnoticed, we have to make you mix with the people of our time, only then you will be safe, and since your family is a big influence here in London we can visit them and try to ask for help, what do you think?" Evie smiled at you and you smiled back, you felt your eyes grow tired, and without much effort, you fell asleep.
Your eyes opened slowly, it was hard to sleep with the storm of thoughts that rambled through your mind, occupying every neuron, it was still night, you looked at the clock on the desk, it was 4 am, still so early and you were already so awake, you couldn't deny that you felt anxious and nervous with what was happening, Your body moved from side to side on the sofa where you slept, the rain hit the glass loudly, the sound of the wheels on the rails, the wind whistled lulling your body, but you couldn't sleep anymore, the stress, the fear, the frustration of not being home, it was agonizing, you stared at the ceiling, thinking, those memories were still very fresh in your mind, it would take a while to accept.
With a little effort you pushed your body up, sitting down and crossing your legs, the window above your head was splashed with raindrops that slid with speed, the landscape was beautiful, the city lights in the background made your heart beat faster, Even in another epoch London was still London, still a beautiful, attractive city, without you realizing it, a weak smile broke out on your lips, it was ironic that you wanted to visit a place so much and when you did it was as if it vanished through your fingers.
You observed the room and noticed your bag lying on the side of the sofa, with one hand you pulled yourself towards you and took out your drawing notebook, you appreciated the picture sticked on the leather cover, it was your grandfather who had made it, he made a dozen of them just for you, every time the pages of one finished, another one came on the scene, with canvas for more adventures and emotions, since you were very young that writing and drawing were a way to represent your emotions and represent the world you lived in.
With a few gestures you let your hand flow across the white page, drawing and sketching empty emotions but full of comfort, looking on the bright side, when you return you will always have something to show your grandmother, a memory, the sound of the pencil scratching the sheet of paper, soothed your heart so full of bitterness, 'so this is what it's like to discover who I am? Is this what you wanted me to see grandma?' you thought to yourself, is this the destiny that was destined for you?
You sighed and let your hand fall on your thigh, you looked forward, and saw Jacob's coat resting on the back of the armchair in front of you, a wave of warmth and embarrassment invaded your chest, you felt strange every time you thought about him, he was mysterious but gentle and protective, when you felt his body wrap around yours it seemed that they had connected to each other, and all the negative energies and scary thoughts disappeared, your heartbeat as he did, your breath calmed down as you felt his fingers tangle in your hair to comfort you, without a second thought, you began to draw his face on that once white page, you remembered every detail of his face, the two scars, his unshaven beard, his hazel eyes, his lips. ... he was an attractive man, you would never in your life think of meeting him, but now that you know him, he was something you didn't want to forget, you put the notebook against your chest and smiled like a little child, feeling butterflies playing with your belly.
But something interrupted the moment, that moment when you were no longer present on earth, you were lost, hidden in a world of thoughts:
" Rough night?" A voice coming from behind you, scared every inch of your body, you put your hand on your chest letting the notebook fall to the floor, you recognized the owner behind that hoarse and funny voice, Jacob laughed a little "I didn't want to scare you, love, I just came to check if you were okay and since I saw you were awake I decided to come in" Jacob said sitting next to you, his gaze crossed with yours. "How are you feeling?"
"I-im okay, and don't worry you didn't scare me, I was just lost in my thoughts and didn't even see you coming...." you replied shakily, like a leaf in the middle of a storm, his smile was directed at you, you could feel your face getting warm, it was obvious you were nervous, but why?
Jacob sat in the armchair in front of you, he looked tired, but more importantly, he was completely flushed, your gaze was fixed on his body, his hair was dripping, his breathing was racing, your heart was beating unregulated as if you were in a sprint, your breathing became heavy for a few moments.
"Do you like what you see love?" Jacob teased, bending his body forward, you jumped a little when hearing his voice, and quickly looked the other way, the rain was still beating strongly on the window, but the train had stopped, maybe because of the bad weather? "I was just messing with you, I just came from a mission, and well... since you are sleeping in my room and my stuff is here, I came straight to you." He laughed a little, his laugh was wonderful.
Even not looking directly at him you could feel his smile, unbelievably you were feeling calm again, your breathing was quiet, but you felt Jacob's gaze on your body, something captivated him about you, but he still couldn't know what it was, maybe because you were exotic? Because you were new to him, his gaze was fixed on your neck, the necklace that belonged to him was now adorning your neck.
"I wanted to thank you, Mister Frye, thank you for saving me from that... you know, I wanted to thank you earlier but, I've been busy with my mind-" Suddenly you felt his fingers slip up your neck to your jawline turning your face to face his, his curious gaze was focused on the necklace, he smiled.
"How funny I have a necklace just like that hanging around my neck, matching aren't we" Again his laughter filled the room, you couldn't contain yourself, and a small giggle broke out from your lips "Oh you do laugh too, you have a very adorable laugh" Your face flared, a pink color graced your cheeks as you heard his voice, he was so close. ... his scent intoxicated you, as if you were drunk on his scent alone, you felt your eyes getting heavier, but something woke you up, a fallen drop of Jacob's hair fell on your cheek.
"Shouldn't you take off your wet clothes, or at least dry yourself? Mister Frye you might catch a cold" the words escaped from your lips, the concern was explicit on your face, Jacob found it adorable, but he laughed a little, confused you looked at him pouting, you were just trying to help and he still laughed.
"Darling, my clothes are all here and if you haven't noticed, you're here, it would be inappropriate to undress in front of such a delicate lady, besides I'm used to it, after missions I usually go to some pub to celebrate with my rooks but Evie asked me to keep an eye on you, and I didn't want to leave you alone either," Jacob said sitting back in the chair.
You blushed but nodded, he was right, it wouldn't be appropriate, but something wandered in your mind, he didn't want to leave you alone? Jacob's watchful eyes noticed your notebook lying on the floor, he reached out to pick it up, you felt a wave of embarrassment and shame hit you like a stone, no, a bunch of them.
His fingers slid across the pages looking at the drawings, especially the one you had done the day you arrived in London, he looked like a child watching a cartoon on TV, he was mesmerized.
"Ahm Mister Frye, may I ask you something?" you asked as he looked at your notebook, he nodded without saying a word. "What was this mission you went on?" his gaze was still focused on the drawings, but he took a deep breath and answered finally.
"Y/n you know what an Assassin does right?" He asked, you nodded, waiting for his answer to continue "I was assigned to kill templars and free London from the disgusting and profiteering clutches of theme, today I helped rescue some of my rooks who were taken hostage in the middle of one of their rounds when they warned me,
I ran immediately to save them, they are like a family
family, and I as their leader have to help and protect them.
His words were like melodies, he sounded just like the way your vein described, ruthless, brave, gentle and playful, fearless, you smiled, was it possible for a man like that to be true? Was it even possible that your childhood hero was right there in front of you watching your drawings? Was it really true that after many years of hearing about him, you were having a conversation with him? You felt so confident that for a few minutes you forgot that you were stuck in 1800.
"You are really brave Jacob..." Finally, you said, slowly removing the necklace from your neck and holding it between your fingers, circling it from side to side. "You know I spent years adoring you... wanting to be like you and Evie, my grandmother spent years telling me about your adventures, I remember when I was younger and climbing up on the roof, jumping from window to window pretending to be you, pretending to be with you, and well. ... years later here I am in front of you, talking to my idol, and I still don't know how to react to this situation" You laughed a little sarcastically. You were nervous but you knew you could trust him, when you looked ahead again his gaze went through every detail of the drawing you had made of him, he seemed excited.
"I thank you Y/n, for idolizing me when you were younger, it must come as a shock to you, finally meeting me hum?" He said with a tinny smirk on his lips.
"W-well it is but I think you can even exceed my expectations Mister Frye" You laughed nervously, you tried to avoid looking at him, you were afraid you wouldn't know how to react.
"How do you feel about your family belonging to the brotherhood?" He questioned you as he put your notebook down on the desk next to him, you sighed, honestly you didn't even know what to say, or what to think about it, of course, you knew for many years that your family came from a long line of assassins but, you preferred to believe that it was a lie or just another story invented by your grandmother to entertain your creative mind during the most starry nights, you never imagined that they were real, and you still thought that taking someone's life for the sake of a brotherhood or to protect others was wrong, and you didn't want to be associated with that, so you forgot that story, and went on with your life, but now that you knew that they were real, you were a little afraid to confront them.
"I... honestly I don't know how to answer you, when I was younger, I heard the stories told by my grandmother over and over again, but I never thought that they were real, and even when she talked about the brotherhood I... preferred to ignore it, in my view, it isn't right to kill someone, I thought that the assassins were cruel monsters who had no feelings, so I never really wanted to know that part of the story, but I confess that I am afraid to confront them tomorrow..." Jacob seemed to understand what you were feeling his eyes were downcast, you could hear his heavy breathing, you felt a little worried, would you said something wrong, but something surprised you when his gaze met yours you could see a little fear and sadness in his gaze.
"Do you think I'm a monster?" Jacob asked getting up and walking towards you again, you felt your body harden like a stone, your heart was beating uncontrollably, you couldn't think of anything to answer him, he knelt in front of you, still with his gaze fixed on yours, you couldn't even think, he was very close to you, his hand wrapped around yours and took the necklace you were holding between your fingers "Your grandmother gave you this didn't she? and by some fluke of life you came right to me... tell me Y/n even after I saved you, do you think I'm a monster?" His voice was husky, his touch made you sensitive, his smell made you dizzy, you are hypnotized.
"N-no, I don't think you're a monster, I... just didn't know much about.... I... and by some fluke of life you came right to me... tell me Y/n even after I saved you, do you think I'm a monster?" His voice was husky, his touch made you sensitive, his smell made you dizzy, you are hypnotized.
"N-no, I don't think you're a monster, I... just didn't know much about.... I..." Jacob's hand moved closer to your neck his fingers slid across your skin easily, you sighed deeply as you felt his skin in contact with yours, Jacob smiled, it was funny to see your submissive reaction to him, with a small gesture, he placed the necklace around your neck, caressing the back of it, but before he left, his breath-focused on your ear and with a whisper, he made your world crumble.
"Don't take this necklace off, so I'll always know why you're here"
He stood up and grabbed his coat, you were completely paralyzed, you were blushing, your breathing was heavy and panting, your gaze seemed glazed on him, he smiled and walked towards the door, but before disappearing into the darkness his voice echoed once again in the room "you better get some more rest Love tomorrow we have a long day, it was nice talking to you miss L/n". And with that he left you there alone, your heart pounding, panting, and nervous, your only thought was his voice softly caressing your ear.
You let your body fall back, staring at the window, and the rain sliding on it, you didn't realize that the train was moving again, you just let your mind wander, what would have happened if he stayed here?
Feelings and thoughts left you awake for the rest of the night, before you knew it the birds were already singing, the first rays of sunlight illuminated your smiling face.
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