#i'm joking lol. mostly. kinda. okay listen-

[a-tale-of-legends]

Is Eva really into men or does she just like masculine women/butches that is the question

[dilf-docs]

It Always Leads To You

dbf!joel miller x younger fem!reader

summary: it's been a year; now you're back. how can joel be so sure of those old summer feelings in your eyes when there's a new hand holding yours?

warnings: 18+ (minors dni), age gap, toxic relationship, cheating and infidelity themes, mutual pinning, kinda dark!joel, smut, p. in v., pussy pronouns, oral (f. receiving), fingering, manhandling, lowkey forced creampie, ANGST, the taylor swift evermore (2020) references go wild, happy ending cause y'all weak asses voted for it and i love to keep my citizens happy!

word count: 5,199 words

side note: my joel miller era is alive and breathing after this tlou re-watch i'm doing my brother swears it's for him but it's mostly me and my fic/womanly reasons, yes we love gaslight girlkeep girlbossing in here gotta say, finding inspiration for this amidst my wattpad duties and christmas movie marathon was harder than i thought lol. was it worth the wait? please like, comment and reblog to let me know! it's based on this request (they're still open btw!)

part: I / II

Holidays linger like bad perfume.

Your eyes wander through the streets: the roads you've got to call home, the ones where you grew up. They're familiar, but so foreign, it's hard to believe they're the same ones where you scrapped your knees at ten and kissed Joel just last winter. It's as if both timelines, your life, feels more like two separate lives, miles apart.

"Hey, you okay?" tender, from the driver's seat; you're still getting used to the soft.

There's a reassuring smile your way, his hand finding yours to give it a squeeze. You notice his palm is the same size as yours. It fits perfectly, but there's a ghost of what it feels like to have it all wrapped up, looming over your itchy palm like all the yearning's a joke.

You nod. "Just tired. That's all"

He sighs. "If I wanted you to lie to me, I would've just asked"

"I'm not lying" you defend yourself as his pickup truck parks on the sidewalk.

He makes a funny face, and you laugh.

"I'm serious, Nick" your lips purse, a thing you do when you lie, yet he still hadn't noticed, like Joel. "Don't worry"

He doesn't look that convinced, so you take off your seat belt and grab his hand.

"C'mon. Mom and dad must be waiting for us"

"Hey" Nick calls you out.

"Yeah?"

"Who lives there?" and he's pointing behind you.

It's his. Joel's house.

"A friend of my dad's" you answer, dryly.

It was last december when you stood there in his porch, begging. It feels like time has stopped ever since, and you're still right where he left you.

"So will he be here?" Nick asks. "You know, since he knows your dad"

"Don't think so" you shrug, "he's got better things to do anyway. Bitter old man" comes out, with more venom than intended.

"Oh! Alright, sorry for asking"

You come back to your senses, realizing you've shared more than you should.

"No, I'm sorry. It's not that important; let's just go inside"

Your mom and dad greet you as soon as you cross the door. Last year, you'd basically fled away before New Year's, with a poor excuse and a broken heart. They both greet you as if nothing happened, although you're sure they remember your tear streamed face coming back from Joel's house, where it all ended.

As your mom corners Nick with kisses and embarrassing questions, your dad whispers to you:

"Joel asked what happened" you quirk and eyebrow, "wanted to know why you left"

"Eh, it's not important" you try to dismiss. "Definitely not as important for a guy like Joel to know"

"What is that supposed to mean?" your dad inquires. You often wonder if they knew.

"Nothing" you laugh nervously. "Listen, why don't you go and meet Nick, yeah? Did you know he likes fishing too?"

The distraction works with your dad; the same can't be said about you.

There's conversation flowing, but through the snow covered window, your eyes keep glancing back to his own. The view is dark, and you ponder if he's fled as well, the town plagued with memories too painful to reminisce.

You can still feel his hands roaming your body, the lust filled gaze that hid warmth. Every time he touches you, you have to remind you he isn't there: that the lips that kiss you, don't taste like his, that the hands that hold you, aren't big as his, and that the face that looks at you like they'll never choose another, is one you haven't learned to love yet.

Joel's memory cuts like thorns: they sink their teeth into your heart, that bleeds with that blood-colored sadness you're all too familiar with. He's poisoned you. But-- isn't it his love also the antidote for this disease he's gave you?

You abruptly stand up, plate half eaten.

"I-I need some air"

It's cold outside, but you don't care. All you want to do is sit on the porch, and drop some tears, something you can do inside too, but the fear of your muffled cries being able to be heard stops you.

You walk towards the stairs, to sit there like you do on summer days, yet there's now a difference: the snow. So you end up slipping, falling with your butt on the floor.

You yelp, embarrased although no one can see you.

"Need help?"

That you're wrong, apparently.

You don't even need to raise your view to know who that voice belongs to: you know it like a record, spinning in circles on your head.

He offers his strong hand your way, and although the cold wind hits your face, you're back to spring on the cabin: wet feet, bright sun and beating heart.

"I can get up myself" you reject his help, pushing the hand out. You keep avoiding his gaze, so you don't see how he's reacted, yet you hope he feels bad about it.

You walk up to the front door, and it takes you a while to realize he hasn't left yet. On top of that, it seems like he's following you. Just what you needed.

"What are you doing here?" you question, but your tone sounds like you're offended.

"Your folks invited me over" Joel answers, "Says they got a special guest"

"Yeah" this time, you do look back, finding him to be much closer than you thought he'd be. Yet you stand tall, defiant even. "It's my boyfriend"

You savour the way his expression falters, before the stoic façade takes over again.

"Boyfriend?" Joel scoffs, as if you just told the funniest joke ever.

"Is that supposed to be funny?" you bite back. "What? Think a pretty girl can't get a new man?"

"Never said I'd doubt'it" he clicks his tongue. "Y'a could get any man you'd want, sugar"

Ironically, the only man you want stands before you.

"Right" you chuckle dryly, "I think it's kind of funny of you to say that"

Joel's eyes bore into yours, a clash of emotions circling in his chocolate orbs.

"Y/n-"

"Don't" you stop him. Then sigh, defeated. "Let's just go inside"

As soon as you both arrive on the dinning room, your parents both greet Joel. Then, they introduce him to their guest, just as promised.

"Joel, this is Nick, y/n's boyfriend" your father speaks. "Nick, this is Joel, a dear old friend of mine"

Nick, as the gentleman he is, offers his hand. Joel accepts, but you can see the barely desguised displease behind his eyes.

"Wow, strong grip" Nick comments before joking, "you can let go now, I'm not going anywhere"

The hidden meaning of his words, whether intentional or not, hit Joel in the face. It's obvious by the way he backtracks, letting go of Nick's hand.

As you sit again, Nick leans to your side and whispers.

"Is this the guy who lives in the house across the street?" you nod. "Thought you'd said he had better plans. But, see? I told you: no plan's more important than coming to your house"

He's always making jokes, trying to make you smile, but it's done the opposite now. The food has gone cold long ago, yet you cut through the meat with a violence so palpable, even your mom tells you to slow down.

The nerve of Joel, showing up to your house like it's nothing, talking to you like he's unaware of his spell on you, acting like Nick is some sort of competition when he pulled out of the race himself a winter ago.

"So, Nick. How did you two meet?" your mom adresses him, eager to know details.

"It was at a party, actually, through mutual friends. Not a very spectacular story, that I know. What's funny is, she asked me what hour it was. And what did I say?"

"He didn't answer my question. Instead, he said: For you, I'm available any hour" you answer.

Your parents laugh, but Joel remains quiet. You wonder what he's thinking.

"You know" looking at Nick while cutting the steamed vegetables a little too agressive, "y/n actually hates parties"

"Joel" you warn through gritted teeth.

"Really? I didn't know that!" Nick seems so genuine, Joel can't help but hate him. He looks at you, concerned "You didn't tell me"

You can't believe he would rat you out like that. The appropiate word isn't hate, and you don't know how to describe it, but parties aren't really your environment; if you can, you'd choose to be anywhere else.

He'll pay for that.

"Joel" you seethe, an ugly smile painted in your features, "did you know Nick knows how to fish?"

It's a direct jab at him. He feels stupid for letting you get to him. The inferiority complex towards some random guy he just met, years younger, is actually laughable.

"I like-" Nick wants to add on that.

"Well" Joel interrupts, looking at you. "You never taught me like ya' were s'pposed to"

"You never cared to learn" you reply, acidic.

He sips his drink, trying to hide the smirk that's formed on his lips. You can't shut up, and he loves you've stayed the same.

"That means I've got some classes to take" Joel leans back on his chair, relaxed like he's won this round. "Just tell me when"

The tension cuts like the storm that's just formed outside.

"You should stay over, Joel" your dad offers when he takes a peak at the climate, "it's too dangerous outside"

Joel seems indestructible, like not even a snow blizzard could pierce through the rough old man. But he agrees, much to your dismay.

It's probably midnight already, and all you've done is toss around the bed. Nick peacefully snores next to you, and you envy how easily he falls asleep. You've always find it hard to sleep, the nighttime plagued with too many loud thoughts that fill the silence.

You get up carefully, heading downstairs for some water. You sip with tranquility when a noise jolts you from your sit.

The wooden floor creaks, making you aware you're not alone anymore.

"Can't sleep?"

You don't answer, seeing his sturdy figure emerge from the shadows until the dim moonlight shines over his aging features. Silence settles in. Outside, the wind howls, bumping against the windows with violence, like your heart does now against your chest.

"Not much of a talker, are you?"

"There's nothing to talk" cuts your response through the thick tension, the air suddenly suffocating.

You take another sip, but the tremble of your hand doesn't go unnoticed by Miller.

"Right" Joel sits next to you, on the kitchen island. "Won't even look at me, sugar? You've got eyes" his voice drops, "use 'em"

"What are you doing, Joel?" you ask looking at him, tears threatening to spill, making your bright eyes shimmer with pain.

He gets up abruptly, like he's woken up from a trance. He's seen his own pain on your eyes, and he hates it.

"Joel?" you ask again, demanding but softly.

He can't answer. Instead, he leaves.

"Goodnight, y/n" voice raw, many emotions boiling, hidden on the inside. It hurts.

If you hadn't changed, Joel too stayed the same.

A goddamn coward.

Two days have passed since, and now it's Christmas Eve.

You kneel, putting the presents under the tree. Normally, your parents would have much more people around for the holidays, but thanks to the storm, it's just them, Nick, Joel and you.

"I'm gonna miss Mrs. Stone's cookies" you pout, "I wish she could be here"

"It's a big loss for tonight" your dad sighs. "Next time, yeah? Christmas will come again faster than you think"

You nod, still absent as he walks away.

"Hey" Joel pops up behind, seemingly from nowhere.

"Hey" you reply, voice laced with tiredness just at the sight of him. How will you manage to survive until New Year's? You have no idea, the task harder if he's staying in the same house as you are.

"Put this in there, will ya'?"

He hands you a box, neatly wrapped up. What stands out the most is the silver bow on top. Your stomach drops: it's your favorite color.

"Y-yeah" you stammer. When the present falls in your hands, you notice it looks like Joel did it himself.

"Didn't know you were capable of nice things" you whisper. There's no anger in your voice, only loss.

"I'm trying" is what he says, before leaving you alone. Until then, you realize he had been touching you, the skin where his hand was on your shoulder burning.

Dinner goes by swiftly, conversation flowing easily courtesy of Nick and your father, who both have in common the love for talking. It may be your brain messing with you, but his eyes never leave you, fixated on your every move, savoring when your lips open and take a bite; when you lick them afterwards, salt in your mouth he'd love to take off in a movement of his tongue. The ghost of your lips haunts him, cruelly playing with his yearning now that he's got you across the table. It's a few centimeters, really, but it feels like you're miles away: and it's his fault. You're no longer his, and he's reminded of it every time your boyfriend kisses what he once had.

Now it's time to open the presents, and you excitedly raise your hand to go first.

"Alright, sweetheart. You know I can't deny you anything" your father beams, "go ahead. Choose any present you'd like to open first"

Joel's eyes are on you, and you know he's desperately waiting for you to open his first. Maybe partly in courage, maybe partly in fear, but you choose Nick's first: something safe to start with.

"That's mine!" he chirps, and Joel mockingly imitates his kid-like joy under his breath.

You unwrap the present, finding a small box inside.

"Please, don't be another box" you joke, and he laughs.

"You think that low of me? Please"

You keep unwrapping and find a bag. The bag has a small tag that reads: Gotcha.

"Nick! God, you're so corny" you tease as you open the bag. Inside, there's a velvet box, and by the looks of it, you can tell it's jewelry. You gasp, pulling out a silver charm tied to a silver thin chain: it's a marlin fish. "Nick..."

"I know. Marlin isn't your favorite fish, but that's all I could find" you get up, wrapping him on a tight hug. Aware you've got an audience, he leans and whispers "I knew fishing was special to you, because of your dad and childhood. Maybe now" he takes it from your hands, carefully putting it around your neck, "it can also be our special thing"

Joel sees the scene unfold in front of him, his grip tight on the cloth of his jeans until it's white. His jaw clenches at the affection display; all he sees is red.

"What about that one?" your mom points out Joel's present. A pit of nerves forms in your stomach. "I don't remember seeing it there"

Before you can grab it, your dad moves faster, examining the box on his hands.

"It's Joel's" he makes a pause, "for y/n"

You pretend to be shocked, and you can tell Nick tenses at your side.

"You didn't tell me you were close"

"Used to" you correct quickly, despite the knot on your throat. "Not anymore"

"He still got you a present, though"

You don't get to answer because your dad leaves the box on your lap.

"Open it" it's soft but feels threathing for some reason, "I'm curious"

Joel's resting hands tremble as much as yours while you open the present. You reveal the simple white box under the wrap, opening it up.

Your voice comes out shaky as you call his name. And he can see it: the muffled laughters on the shed, the warmth of the cabin's fire, the fogged up windows of his car, the bruises on your tits and that voice, so vulnerable, he can see you on his porch, saying those three words that terrified him so much, his solution was breaking your heart.

"What is it?" your dad asks.

"It's a scarf" the fabric tickles your fingers that wander through the loose strands.

You remember it all too well.

"Oh, it's vintage!" your mom comments when she sees the worn-out aspect.

But just as your affair with Joel, you keep the secret of it's real owner.

"It's perfect" you mutter, remembering better times: ones where he'd wrap the scarf colored as the leaves on the ground around your neck, covering bruises he'd just made while you joked you'd steal it, and Joel would say he'd just let you, that it looked better on you anyway.

You've forgotten the good, so used to thinking of Joel at your worst, like a punishment to endure and sink your shipwreck even deeper. You felt lost, replaying memories that seemed stuck on a loop. Since last december, all you've known is pain; creeping up through the cracks in your fleeting happiness, one you've tried to find to no avail. One day, past the curses and cries, maybe there'll be happiness. But as for now, that day seems terribly far.

As he sees your teary gaze, Joel often wonders were it went wrong. When did hurt was all you had for him in that gaze of yours he can't bare to look that long, not before he's reliving all those seasons by your side, replaying his footsteps on the snow, grass, water and fallen leaves, trying to find the one where it all went wrong. The torture he now wears like a second skin, his agony painted words addressed to the fire of a house that feels so empty and alone.

"We should continue" your dad speaks over the silence, "there are still many presents left"

The night moves slowly, and the scarf you've chosen to wear is now suffocating around your neck. But you can't take it off. This is the closest you've been to Joel on a year; it still smells like him. As the presents run out, you excuse yourself early to bed, only to wake up again in the middle of the night. You want to pee, so you exit your room and walk to the bathroom, your bare feet against the cold wood sending shivers down your spine that only seem to augment when you walk past his door, next to the bathroom. After being done, you splash some water on your face, as if that would make some sense get to you.

"What are you doing?" you ask yourself in the mirror. Your tired reflection stares back at you, in silence.

You open the door, ready to go back to bed when a hand covers your mouth and shoves you inside.

"Don't scream" your cries go muffled against his hand, the calloused digits pressing against your soft skin, "wanna wake 'em up?"

You shake your head, so he lets your mouth free.

"Joel" you call out, but he's facing the door, his back all you see. No sound can be heard, aside from his uneven breaths.

"I'm sorry" he says, and then you hear the small click of the door's lock.

"What the hell?"

This time, he faces you, but his movements are so quick you don't register his lips on yours until it's too late. He kisses you like a starved man who hasn't had a meal in years, eating you out while your body acts up on it's own, the urgency embarrasing even.

"No" you pull back. Your mind screams in guilt at how much you want this, and that's all you can hear aside from his ragged breaths.

"No?"

"It isn't fair"

"To lover boy out there?" he teases, "I know he ain't treating you right, or ya' wouldn't look me the way ya' do"

"Don't, Joel" your tone is icy, "Nick treats me better than you ever could"

He laughs, darkly. "You know I ain't meant that" he corners you against the sink, the material cold against your bare legs; you don't sleep with nothing but an oversized t-shirt, despite the weather.

"Riddle me this, sugar: if he treats you so well, why are you so fucking wet?"

Your heart beats so fast you fear you'll die. He gets closer, his hot breathe prickling against your ear.

"It takes a man to please a woman" he tucks a loose strand behind your ear, "and I ain't leaving my baby displeased"

His fingers pull down the panties until your clit is exposed.

"Look at 'er" he traces a teasing finger over the puffy skin, coated on your slick "missed me, didn't she? Gonna treat 'er so good, she won't ever feel lonely again"

He softly kisses your neck, the trepidation and regret tying your stomach in knots.

Joel teases your needy core with his finger.

"Tell you somethin', sugar" Joel finds it hard to hide his adoration, "I missed 'er too"

He stares into your eyes while pushing two rough fingers inside your cunt. You bite your lip, holding back your moans.

"Need summ help?" he kisses you roughly, smirking when he feels your shaky breath against his lips. He pushes them in and out faster, making your walls squeeze tightly around his fingers.

"Did he ever have you comin' this fast? I'ont think so" he whispers against your neck. You whisper his name through labored breaths, making a smug smile adorn his features. "Good girl"

He proceeds to kneel down, despite the creak of his bones. You see him leave a trail of kisses down your thighs, your legs opening wider in response. His tongue gives rapid flickers against your sensitive bud, aware of the lack of time. He slurps the pulsing cunt, his head moving back and forth while he sucks, coating his moustache on your juices. Joel goes back to the quick movements, tongue knowing your spots and twisting fingers as aid, causing your back to arch.

"Fuck" you curse as you come, gripping the sink a bit too tight.

Joel then pulls away and places his fingers coated in your arousal in his mouth and licks them. He sees the obscene display in the fogged mirror, satisfied.

"Goodnight, sugar" Joel bids goodbye like it's nothing, kissing your lips that taste like you. "Still as sweet as ever"

It's New Year's Eve.

"You're leaving?" you sound so sad, Joel can't help but scoff. In the end, he'd stayed long after the storm had passed, your father arguing holidays weren't meant to be spent alone. So he stayed.

And now, Nick is leaving.

"I'm sorry" he apologizes for the millionth time, "but granny is sick. I don't know if she'll make it another year, so say the doctors. I would love to stay, really, but I have to be with her"

You understand, having lost your grandad years ago. But that doesn't mean you're okay with it: Nick leaving means a clear path for Joel, who didn't stop with him sleeping next room, and certainly won't now, despite not having interacted with you since he ate you out on the bathroom.

He pulls you into a long hug and a kiss that doesn't feel the same anymore. "Will you be okay?"

"Yeah" you nod, "I'll miss you though"

"Well, I'll be all yours when you get back"

You smile but it doesn't reach your eyes.

"See you, y/n. I love you"

Your lips purse after you utter those three words back.

Later at night, the house is filled with guests. The lively environment is restored, and you feel less confined to Joel's claws, so many faces to speak and distract yourself with, compared to Christmas and the past couple of days. You clutch the marlin charm tightly, mind busy wandering to places it shouldn't. Joel stares at you from across the room, eyes trained on you as he sips his drink calmly, like he's won; you don't know why he's keeping score if he already knows it. You wander off to the kitchen, and Joel follows you.

"You have to stop" you speak as soon as he enters, aware he would follow you.

"I ain't do shit"

You turn around, facing him. "Bullshit, Joel"

"Tell me, what'd I do?" he comes closer, and despite your erratic heart and fear, you stay still; challenging.

"You did this, Joel" his expression falters for a second, the weight of last december's crimes dawning on him. "Don't try to make me feel guilty"

"I ain't. That wasn't your fault" he sighs, breath dragging long like a cigarrette. "But this" he motions with his hands the reduced distance, "this it is"

Your breath hitches.

"We can't keep doing this, Joel. Nick doesn't deserve it"

He pins you against the counter with force, gripping the skin of your wrists until you're sure you'll get a bruise. Joel's eyes darken at the thought of your frail and soft body under his rough figure and belly, his strength and your weakness making the job of putting you under his will, so much easier.

"Don't say his name" he whispers, his breath laced with alcohol, "he ain't here anymore. Ain't nothing to stop me now, right, sugar?" Joel purrs as he steps towards you, taking your face in his hands before starting a heated kiss, making you stumble.

This was so wrong, but it felt so right, the missing pieces falling like dominoes.

He was your pain divine: you needed his hurt to bleed and feel alive again. Maybe the red of the blood and the blue of your sadness could paint your darkest grey skies with a happiness you've craved since you lost him.

"Tell me to stop" Joel whispers, tempting like a devil as he kisses down your neck, littering it with hickeys.

"Don't"

Next thing you know, you're excusing yourself upstairs and then Joel goes missing too, both inside of your bedroom.

Your dress was the first thing to go.

"Wear it for me?" you're about to answer, lips pursing, but he cuts you off, "and don't lie, sugar. Don't get too used to the bad girl schtick"

"I only wore this dress so you could take it off"

He kisses you desperately, legs wrapped around his waist while he carries you to bed, and the memories of your first flood you as he drops you down to your back, watching the way you bounce. He has you just like he wanted: moaning his name while he leaves tender kisses on the soft bare flesh.

"Joel-" you gasp. Despite the chatter downstairs and music, you try to remain low as he wraps his lips around your nipples. He then moves to your breasts, covering them with his kisses and hickeys. He hadn't touched a woman ever since you left, the feeling of the rosy innocent skin on his rough teeth making him loose all common sense, the real thing even better than what he would try to conjure when he fucked himself in the bathroom at the memory of you.

He groans when he feels your hands roaming over his back, nails digging on the scarred skin.

"Someone's eager" he teases, seeing your damp underwear. "Is this 'cause of me?" you don't answer, too busy removing the cloth, only for his strong fingers to grab you and stop you. "Don't be shy, answer baby. We got a whole new year, yeah?"

"I need you Joel" you whine, not laughing at the joke "cut the crap"

He pushes you gently back down to the bed. "So needy sugar, want me to help ya'?"

You eagerly nod, making him laugh. But there's no mock, only love behind the sound.

"Will you let this old man take care of ya', pretty baby? Just use your words, and I'll be all y'rs"

"Do it, Joel. Just do it"

You gasp as your folds begin to be prodded open by the fat head of Joel's cock. You curse, feeling him push in just the tip, the sweet burn of your walls welcoming his size making you grab his arms that stand at the sides of your body, caging you in.

His tummy pushes against your stomach as he adjusts himself, his weight sinking your body on the creaking matress.

"'S just the tip, ready for the whole thing?"

You needed him, all of him.

"Yes, Joel. I want you" You say and he pushes in slowly, feeling his cock fill up every empty space that craved for him.

You squeeze your eyes shut as his hips roll back pulling out about halfway before rocking back in. His sloppy thrusts pick up a familiar pace that makes you moan and beg for more, head falling against the sheets as his pace speds up until he's fucking you senseless.

Joel's brain goes blank at the sight of you creaming on his dick and the obscene sounds leaving your pretty mouth. Did he really give this up? He'd definitely go back in time and slap the fuck out of his past self, because there is simply nothing better than having you under him, screaming his name like that's all you can ever say.

"Does he fuck you like this, huh?" Joel angles his hips, resuming his brutal pace. Your body jolts with each snap. "Is he enough for you?"

"Yes" his stomach drops, dark eyes now hesitant, "but he isn't you"

He pushes himself back in, your eyes fluttering shut almost immediately.

"Tell me you'll leave him, y/n. Look me in the eyes and tell me who ya' really belong to"

Your eyes snap open at the possesiveness clashed with jealousy that drips from his sweat-soaked lips.

The confession falls easily, as meant to be. "Yours, Joel. Always was and will be"

He could cum just at the sight of your loving doe eyes.

Downstairs, the countdown begins, but in your room, all you can hear are his soft groans and your pathetic whimpers, and if the people would stop shouting, you could probably hear the squelch of your dripping cunt sucking in his girth with each thrust.

After a few more erratic thrusts, you feel his warm cum fill you up. Joel was always obsessed with how his cum seeped out of you and around his cock. Without thinking, his rough fingers push deep in you, making you yelp as he makes sure he isn't wasting a drop behind.

The countdown ends, and fireworks erupt outside as your head rests on the crook of his sweat covered neck.

"I love ya', sugar" those words you thought you imagined that one time, now real, so goddamn real his voice quivers and eyes get tearful with grief, "'S okay if ya' don't say it. I just wanted you to hear 'em. 'M just tired of wastin' my time"

He wraps your lips with his with tenderness you had only dreamed of. There is still a lot to talk and heal, but this time, his arms hold you like a promise. And you let yourself believe it.

Y/n's New Years' purposes: 1. Break up with Nick 2. Try to explain this seasonal mess to mom and dad 3. At last, try to be happy

cr: divider by @kodaswrld / gif @tomshiddles

[toastytrusty]

ok i know I'm a few days late now BUT! full thoughts on hickey davechella.

his undiagnosed playlist is mostly instrumentals. could represent how disconnected he feels from reality, could represent him repressing his emotions/ignoring his issues/masking his true self/whatever. you get it

the non instrumentals on undiagnosed are really upsetting. was lowkey crying listening to Black Holes In The Sand. gives credence to the disconnected from reality theory

also Come Over. is the vibe self hatred, self pity, something else? lots of family issues certainly but we'll get to that later

I Would for You (on undiagnosed) is also on gibson's playlist. lol

The Sound of the End of Music (on undiagnosed) is a mash up of This is the End and The Sound of Music. This is the End was on tozer's playlist. lol

an undiagnosed hickey attatching himself to other people and mirroring them rather than developing his own sense of self? likely story. morphing how he thinks they are and what he thinks they like into something else entirely? even more likely

The Angel Gabriel on undiagnosed. just everything about that. why is he listening to christian hymns. i' m gonna freak out

the songs on undiagnosed that can only be described as Weird Noises. Shell Cameo, which is a single piano with? shower noises? in the background? Weather Three immediately after that, which is just. 12 minutes of doom sirens. he likes weird noises

Glory Only Once also very similar. anyone else hear the ominous whistling? 😂

so many orchestral pieces. what a cultured young lad

Vexations: Vexations: Thème being almost complete silence. kind of similar to the instrumentals possibly representing a disconnect from reality. there's just nothing

The Unanswered Question has a lot to unpack. i don't wanna ramble Too much about music history and the significance of this song but. it is a piece in conflict with itself, asking itself questions and leaving itself unsatisfied. it's about the inherent terrifying disorder of existence. it's about finding comfort in solitude and silence. you ever think

Don't Smoke in Bed. just. everything about that song. yeah

now on the treatment playlist. his music taste fucking rocks. we got ella fitzgerald we got father john misty we got jeff buckley we got the beatles we got peter gabriel we got bruce springsteen. he is cooking

first song on treatment, What Do You Think Will Happen Now? feels like affirmations and something he's trying to convince himself of rather than something he yet believes. prefacing the playlist with a new positive worldview, representing his journey with getting treatment? perhaps?

he immediately has more weird noises on treatment. Hocket for Two Voices: I.— is very short and i am sure there is lovely musical theory behind it that i am not smart enough to comprehend but it is kinda just weird noises to the untrained ear. A Boy Called Conjuror is also like this. a love of weird noises transcends therapy!

I'm 89 falls into a similar category. he just listens to people talk. he is clearly still quite lonely

there is still a good amount of instrumentals on treatment, but the vibe is Decidedly different. big Maybe It's All Going To Be Okay energy. Forever Held made me cry the first time i heard it

most of the songs are not instrumental though! very lyrical. something about him approaching and processing his issues.

the songs about love on treatment. All The Right Reasons is very deeply moving Made me cry a bit. Love Love Love actually made me take my headphones off stand up and walk across my room but maybe i'm just too mountain goats pilled

side note for that: the song called Love on undiagnosed is an instrumental. love was something abstract and impossible to define or put into words before, but now it feels a lot more real.

It's Only A Paper Moon was very moving. he just needed someone to believe in him

Because the Night. i laughed. even treated modern hickey yearns for cannibalism as a metaphor for love. i'm joking. mostly

we still got christian themes in treatment! they are, however, less overt. like it's become a part of something else and can peacefully exist alongside him, rather than being so blatant and forceful. the jeff buckleys, father john misty (kinda.), etc

SPEAKING OF THE JEFF BUCKLEYS AND THE FATHER JOHN MISTY. New Year's Prayer is a heavy hitter. it's hard to pin down the exact vibes but it's somewhere between coping and accepting. if you get it. and Bored in the USA is one of the most reminscent of show hickey's pysche, imo. it's steeped in fear and regret and a resigned kind of hope

in line with the religion stuff. the orchestral piece, Gnossienne: No. 3, references gnosticism, a religious doctrine that supposes divinity can only be found in rejecting the material world (because it is evil) and the god that created it (because it is evil), and instead finding salvation in some secret hidden being through a different kind of spirituality. lol

Nobody's Fault but My Own is kind of heartbreaking honestly. it shows how much he Is healing and Is processing and Is taking accountability and changing the way he views the world. one of the most impactful imo

Kansas City felt very reminscent of show hickey's relationship with london

Mercy Street. so much to unpack. the daddy issues. the remorse. the begging for forgiveness.

even more family issues because the last song on the treatment playlist is My Father's House. it felt kind of like an ultimate culmination of the thesis of treatment being him facing his issues and being forced to confront and process them. there's an element of being too late to right the wrongs of your past, but there's also the element of accepting that, and forgiving yourself

now. the radioheads on both albums. both second to last song on their respective playlist. How to Dissappear Completely on undiagnosed, How to Dissappear into Strings on treatment. the first one was kind of viscerally upsetting and felt very in line with how disconnected the entire undiagnosed playlist was, almost like he doesn't feel real. one of the few lyrical songs on a mostly instrumental playlist is about how much he's Not a part of the world around him. smth smth the only thing he can put into words is that he has no words. however, How to Dissappear into Strings is Not! lyrical! it is entirely instrumental, on an otherwise predominantly lyrical playlist. like he's not thinking about dissapearing anymore, or he can no longer put words to it. it's still there, some things can't be magically cured and made go away forever, but it's less, now.

aspects of both playlists being very similar, sharing sounds and themes and artists, felt very much like healing not being linear, and treatment not entirely changing who you are. it's clearly the same person behind each playlist, with different experiences shaping them differently, but the same nonetheless. it's really beautiful

and to close out, i just want to say how meaningful this whole experience with hickey's playlists was to me. it was genuinely so truly truly moving to witness a character that is clearly severely mentally ill be given the grace and opportunity to heal and overcome their struggles, rather than it being homogenized into the rest of them. so often characters like this are not treated with the same potential to overcome, and are condemned to just being Like That forever, as if their struggles are inseparable from their essence and something that defines them. they are wholly characterized by being quirky and insane and inconsolably evil. but that clearly was not how this was treated at all (and never how hickey has been treated by the show), and being able to witness hickey's journey across these two playlists was very cathartic to me, and i appreciate it. a lot.

[alex-andrya]

lol more like how did it happen I’m so curious on how it goes from a fantasy to reality

okay...so...

this is going to be huge

i started going to the school gym over summer break and that's when i really developed a yearning for him. i mean i always thought he was handsome, sexy, manly, whatever. But i wasn't like obsessing over him until this started. I wasn't flicking the bean, polishing the pearl, tossing my own salad, etc. Some days we had small groups, some days there were big groups, but most days I'd catch him looking at me for obvious reasons (have you seen me???) and i'd give him a lil smile or like pop my hip for him or somethign like that. Anything to let him know i knew he was looking and didn't mind. The first couple times he got super flustered and like wouldn't even say bye to me after training. Right before school started we had a morning where nobody showed up (the football team was doing their own thing) except me and him (a copule more showed up later) and i asked him to train me. It was really cool because he went into like coach mode (also really fucking hot) and even touched me a few times to make sure i was moving the right way.

Well I told him afterward (after the late people left) that i really appreciated his advice and asked if he could like help me work out some stiffness and he was like obviously hesitant and i said "relax, it's not like i'm asking you for a massage," and he was like okay. It was mostly in my neck region (i'm a cocksucker so it comes with the territory) and his hands felt SO fucking good. They were warm and soft but hard and strong at the same time. I didn't even mean to like moan but it felt so good and at one point i think i was like sounding sexual and he paused and I was like "sorry."

he said he was worried about someone hearing and getting the wrong idea, and i was like "don't worry I'll never tell on you." and then giggled a little.

He stopped rubbing my neck and said some shit about how we needed to maybe talk about boundaries because even though he thought I was really cool and funny and smart, he didn't want anybody to get the wrong idea about us, or me to get the wrong idea about him.

I kinda stepped away and just smiled and shrugged and said "if you want to set boundaries, it's okay. I'm not like thinking you're trying to groom me or anything. But if you do have a crush on me you should just tell me and get it out of your system." I was like super flirty about it and started walking away because it was like time to go home anyway.

The next day there were a lot of people and he barely looked at me. But at the end of the day he was like offering extra conditioning for anybody that wanted to stay and i was like okay this is my chance because nobody wants to do extra conditioning

EXCEPT THIS ONE BITCH WHO OBVIOUSLY WANTED HIM so we both stayed after to do sprints with him, like actually with him, beside him and if it wasnt' for her i probably would have passed out from being so nervous and excited and anxious and shit from the day before.

we were all three dripping with sweat bc late summer and i asked her (she's actually super nice and we are kinda friends) if she wanted to get together for dinner that night and she was like sure she just had to go home and shower and change and i'm like okay fuck yeah i'm going to shower HERE because he was already in the shower and i knew we'd be the only two here so when I got out of the shower and dried off and put on something clean I was like listening for him and when i heard him close the office door I started going out to the parking lot and we ran into each other like PHYSICALLY outside of the gym.

he told me i was really fast and put in a lot of good work and i just kind of joked and said "yeah well unfortunately my neck is SO sore now if only i had someone to rub it for me!"

He laughed, like out loud, and it was the sweetest sound, and i told him that he had a beautiful laugh and he kinda froze as he was locking the gym doors and i remember looking up at him with the sun behind his head and feeling like i could see him thinking hard about what he was gonna say next and i just said "sorry, i forgot...boundaries and shit, right?"

he smiled at me and it was like a sad smile. he said that i was a great girl and he was glad we had a good relationship, but that it was inappropriate for me to flirt with him and i was fucking heartbroken.

fast forward two weeks and i'm in his class and we are sharing looks and he gives me this smile that i'd never seen him give before and it sent a rush through me so strong that i thought i was going to cum then and there. It was such a hot and enchanting look. And I felt like it meant something...

So after school, he managed the gym for like sports teams that worked out, but most of the teams went straight into practice and by 4, nobody was in the gym.

Except me. And him.

We were working out apart. I remember it so clear, I was doing squats and I could see him looking at me in the mirror and i racked the bar and i turned around and walked up to him and said "are you checking my form or my ass?"

Now normally something like this would have sent him for a loop. he would have looked away and blushed and stuttered and shit because obv i'm his student and he's a teacher. But he just stood there liek a fucking mountain and didn't say anything. his eyes kept looking at mine, my left one and my right one, back and forth, and my mouth went fucking dry because i felt like we were about to do something insane.

Then he turned around, but instead of being upset i got pissed off and just fucking snapped "I know you want me, and i want you, and I'd never fucking tell anybody and I'd give up everything to be your girl even if it was just for a day."

Idk what made me say it i was just so pissed that he wouldn't acknowledge me as a woman he just kept seeing me as this fucking kid in his class that liked to joke around.

Then he snapped at me. "Don't fucking say shit like that, Alex." He had his finger in my face and everything. I thought I was going to cry. now I look back on that and my imagination runs wild but in the moment i was so scared that i fucked everything up.

Then he told me that he likes to go for evening walks. By himself. He told me where he did it and I knew exactly where. He told me what time. So I went there, five minutes early, sober as a fucking nun wearing a denim skirt and a tank top because it was hot, but i definitely didn't wear anything underneath.

I sat by the water and told myself that he wasn't going to come, this was a waste of time, and when the time he said came i got up to leave because i was so scared that he wasn't going to show up but when i turned around, he was just standing there staring at me like he didn't know who i was or what to do.

So I walked up to him and took his hand. He didn't pull away. I touched his face (he's a foot taller than me), and he didn't pull away. I smiled at him, and idk what my lips looked like but he couldn't look away from them.

Then he kissed me. And I kissed him back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he crushed me with his arms. We kissed softly for a bit, like we weren't sure if this was real or stupid or what. I pushed my tongue into his mouth and he let me rub his tongue with mine. I ran my fingers through his hair. Idk how long we kissed like that for but when we were done i felt like i couldn't breathe.

We spent the rest of the night talking about our feelings. Connecting intellectually and spiritually. Talked about nature, about beauty, about what we loved about the water, the sky, the moon, etc. I told him finally that I wanted to be with him for a long time and that i knew how risky it was to do what we just did, but that i'd never betray him or give him up and no matter what happened I'd do anything he needed me to do to make sure this stayed safe, that he stayed safe. I told him that i never wanted to be one of those girls that was seen as a victim. I told him a lot of the stuff i share here about how i don't want to be treated any certain way because of my age, that i feel like i'm way more mature anyway. I told him that i felt like we connected on a much deeper level and he agreed. He was surprised by how he felt for me because he didn't expect to find such a strong match in someone...like me. I was a little sad at how he said that but then he was like "I don't see you as a student, as anything but a young woman with a strong heart and a sharp mind. I know women twice your age that are half the woman you are." So naturally i asked if they were hot and he said "not like you are." I bit my lip and crawled onto his lap and straddled him and held his face and started kissing him. I put his hands on my butt and he froze. Then he started squeezing my butt and i felt his fingertips go under my skirt and my skin was on fire under his touch. I told him i wanted him and he kissed me harder. I told him i needed him and he pulled away because I was obviously trying to fuck him then and there. He said we should wait, that this is very new and we shouldn't move too fast.

"Besides, i don't want to hurt you."

I rolled my eyes at him and said "okay mister big dick i'm not exactly a virgin you know i can handle whatever you've got."

He laughed and said "I'm sure you can." He checked the time and said he had to go back before it got suspicious and that's hwen I remembered he was married. I didn't even think twice about it. I didn't give a fuck. I just wanted to know when we could meet up again.

He went for an evening walk every night that week, and by the end of the week, he was out of reasons for us not to do anything beyond kissing. I remember it was friday night. his wife was out with her friends. He was fishing when I got there, and I was wearing the same outfit from the first night except i had my hair braided by a friend who only knew i had a hot date lmao. I also wore a necklace my mom got me. It was gold with a cross on it. I kinda had a feeling he would give in that night, but i tried to go in with no expectations. We snuggled up on a log by the water. He was wearing short gym shorts that were like midthigh lenght and a tshirt. he smelled clean and his beard oil was like foresty or something ikd. I had my head on his shoulder and we weren't talking while he was reeling in without a fish for like the 30th time that night. I asked him if i could try and he said sure if i knew how to cast and like i'm an indiana girl so obviously i know how to cast a fishing rod, so i did it and reeled it in really fast because i only cared about getting the rod out of his hands and getting his ROD into MY HANDS. He was trying to get me to slow down while i was reeling and saying shit i'll never catch anything like that and when i had it in i said "Good then i won't have fish piss on my hands when I jerk you off."

He froze and i jumped on his lap and started kissing him and almost knocked him off the log lmao. now up to this point we had kissed a lot and were kind of handsy but he never felt more than my butt, and he hadn't seen me naked or anthing, and i'd only ever seen him shirtless. That was all about to change. While we were kissing I felt his hands going up and down my back and then he went under my shirt, for the first time, to feel my back and that's when i rippe dmy tank off and showed him my tits. He couldn't stop looking at them and was like instantly sucking on my tits and rubbing them on his face before he had them in his hands and kissing me. I reached down and into his shorts to feel how hard his dick was. Like i'd seen his bulge before and had even felt it when we would make out so i knew he was packing but having my hand around it was fucking world changing. he is HUGE. and i was like "Holy fuck your dick is huge," and he said "you sure you can handle it still?"

To that i just got off his lap and pulled off his shirt and started kissing down to his dick and pulled his shorts off so he was bare ass on the log while I knelt between his legs staring at his dick. I started stroking it and then put my mouth on the head and i stg i never opened my mouth so wide in my life. It felt amazing in my mouth and my pussy was throbbing at the thought of him inside of me. I had to use both hands to stroke him and suck him because i couldn't get enough of him in my mouth and he held my head in his hands while i sucked him and his dick tasted so clean and warm and slightly salty beacuse we were both kinda dewy from the hot night. Once he was hard I went to get back on his lap and ride him but he stopped me and walked, butt naked, dick bouncing, to his truck to get a blanket that he had packed and laid it out for me. he laid me down on it and pulled my skirt off and gave me the most mindblowing head i've ever had liek i came so hard and so much that his beard was sparkling with my wetness and then he was on top of me, his dick hovering over my pussy and just for a second i was like holy fuck this is real this is real this is real

AND THEN HE WAS PUSHING IT IN ME MY TEACHER OVER TWICE MY AGE WAS PUTTING HIS GIANT DICK IN MY PUSSY and i bit his shoulder so hard so i wouldn't scream that he was like grunting but i thought he just felt so good in me i had no idea he was hurting (or that he liked it!!!) so i just kept digging my teeth in while his dick stretche dme and yeah it HURT but in the BESt fucking way.

Idk how long we fucked for he was slow and as deep as i could let him and he was like "i don't have a condom" and i just said "i don't give a fuck just fucking fuck me..." and he completely let go and plowed me and i was so close to cumming again when he pulled out and came on my stomach and titties and i was like sobbing because i almost came again so i just started rubbing my clit while he hovered over me and came while he just watched me.

anyway that was the first time

[corvennite]

—⛥ ROCKSTAR ABBY'🎸

headcanons w/fem! reader

I'm writing a fic about it so stay tuned, these are just some ideas that popped up in my head.

cw: nsfw (smut), kinda enemies to ??, voyeur, fingering, female masturbation, phone sex, nude pics, possessive behavior (kinda toxic Abby lol), lesbian sex, p in v (strap on), degrading, edging, overstimulation, lots of teasing, rope bunny, gagging, senses depravation, ghosting. Let me know if I forgot something.

All right so for context, you and Abby do not get along very well since you both know each other, she always had been very stubborn and proud always thinking she's better than anyone (bc she is 🤭) and it got in her head mostly after she started her band. Your friends had always been supportive towards her since you were the only one with problems, they didn't mind much, always dealing and putting up with your attitude when she was mentioned or asked to go out with the group (which was a bit frequtently). Even if you both despised each other, more you than her, there was this oddly weird sexual tension between you two every time a word was exchanged. That's how I think she would be if somehow you managed to get closer to her.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

(sfw)

⛧ I think she would be an extreme tease, always making jokes and playing around with you;

⛧ she'd put into effort to know your tastes, what you enjoy, favorite music (so she could learn and play), shows, moves, books, etc;

⛧ even if she jokes a lot with you and sometimes she can be a lil mean, she's the only one who can do it;

⛧ she would be a bit of an asshole with the people you go out/hook up with, since she's a bit jealous but would die first than admit it;

⛧ Abby would be overprotective towards you, any guy with a wrong mind and action be sure she would beat them to death without your knowledge;

⛧ she's a good listener, even if it doesn't look like she hears all your bullshit and puts up with it;

⛧ I think she would try to teach you a thing or two around the guitar, however, she would mock you a lot during it;

⛧ would always have you backstage or nearby during the shows;

⛧ asks your opinion (indirectly) on the songs and medleys;

⛧ probably made some demo music thinking about you;

⛧ would never say it but, she gets less nervous when you're around while she's on stage, when she can see you;

⛧ would treat you like a fan despite hour 'hate' towards her, is just her way to provoke you;

⛧ gives you one of the official band merchan before even start to sell it;

⛧ doesn't let any other band member be too close to you, they're her friends but she wants you all to herself;

⛧ she would be very troubled if you got lost around the shows so she always leave her guards keeping an eye on you;

⛧ she probably let you sign one of her guitars on a playful conversation you both had, she never took it off though;

⛧ gave you a necklace with one of her favorite guitar pick.

(nsfw)

⛧ okay so, she would be always dominant at least at the beginning, never submitting for you, sometimes she would get a bit weak if you topped;

⛧ this woman is a guitarrist so she's very skilled with her fingers;

⛧ she would edge you for hours after a show, or even before, inside the dressing room or in the van while heading back;

⛧ her hands would be always over you, gripping around your waist, hips, thighs, ass and even teasing around nearby your clothed core;

⛧ her favorite thing to do is to go down on you while you're reading some lyrics you helped her out with, or, some she made to you (the dirtiest shit she wrote) without your knowledge;

⛧ Abby would definitely finger fuck you while she's recording a song, making some of your moans be the background of it;

⛧ she has a shameless polaroid of you only in her jacket and laced panties, her fingers around the sides pulling a bit down revealing your hip bone, she keeps on her wallet;

⛧ she makes you ride her thigh as she write new lyrics or talks to her manager thru the phone;

⛧ boot humping while she plays the guitar;

⛧ she has those collars around your neck with spikes and a metal circle to hold onto, she enjoys pulling it randomly;

⛧ Abby is a bit too shameless sometimes, if there's another person around the studio she doesn't mind, she touches your pussy until you're begging for her to stop and even so, she'll mock you and ask why you're whining out of no where;

⛧ whenever she's away on tour, she makes you take pics of your body and send to her, most of them with her jacket on or t-shirt;

⛧ she enjoys phone sex a lot, putting you on line making you touch yourself while she's needy for you or even turn into a video call where she can watch you play with your pussy;

⛧ when she gets jealous she gets real jealous, fuckin' you so hard with her 8 inch strap you can see stars, she doesn't care much if you're crying or if it's hurting, she'll take you bent over her desk;

⛧ Abby enjoys gagging you with your own panties, sometimes underwear she buys for you and rips it off afterwards;

⛧ makes you gag and almost pass out on her strap she proudly calls it her own cock;

⛧ despite enjoying the strap, she much more prefer to use her mouth and fingers, the tongue piercing making you see stars when it rubs against your clit;

⛧ she goes totally off fuckin you for the first time, the tension was too much and you were just so pretty with those tight clothes she couldn't resist, even if she hated you so much;

⛧ Abby wouldn't speak with you after your first time, leading into a fight you picked up being stubborn and then, you being all spread out with your eyes covered and her fingers edging you for hours;

⛧ she likes to tie you up, how pretty you look with red ropes around your wrists, thighs, ankles, chest, everywhere she can put them, she just loves it. maybe it will even be a cover of one of her new albums;

⛧ you're not the only girl in her life, a rockstar like herself has a couple share of groupies and even if she's over possessive with you, the same behavior coming from someone she could only toy with makes her kind mad;

⛧ she loves watching you touching yourself, she always makes you do it but then slaps your hand off when she sees you're ready to cum, the way you back arch and toes curl, how you look so beautiful trying to reach spots only she can get, she gets so damn turned on;

⛧ while fuckin, she will call you the most degrading names, it's not a lie, after all you are her little slut and shameless harlot, the doll she enjoys to break and the bitch who swore she hates her sooo damn much.

[lululawrence]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers! Spread the self-love 💞

HIIIII omg I love whoever started this going around so much and THANK YOU for sending this to me!!! I also got this from @haztobegood and @allwaswell16 so thank you to ALL OF YOU really! I love love love this kinda thing and hope I haven't missed all of your lists... i'll have to be sure to look for those here soon hehe

Anyway, in no particular order, here are my fav fics I've written... (I think... lol favorites are HARD):

I'm Praying (that you don't burn out or fade away) - This was my big bang for this year and man it was a JOURNEY to write. I first came up with the idea as almost a crack fic idea back when I first was listening to Satellite... you know... when it was first released. lol I just didn't have the time or energy or anything to write it but I held onto the idea for ages and had it mostly brainstormed and everything! And then the time came to write it and... I couldn't find my notes. Anywhere. No idea what happened to the fic idea or my ramblings about it so I just did what I could with recreating it from memory and I still didn't know where or how or when it would end exactly, I just knew their journey would be over when it was over, and they spoke to me. When their story was done, I knew. And I am still so fucking proud of how it turned out and @moon-sun-thyme made the most incredible and gorgeous art for it, truly. Just. Probably gonna forever be one of my favorite fics I've ever written.

What I Have With You (I don't want with anyone else) - ohhhhhhh THIS FIC OKAY. It's my aspec alpha babies fic. I wrote it as a collaboration with @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed for @1dreversebang a few years ago now and it is still so special to me. I got to really delve into the aspec identities by embodying both Louis and Harry with one of those identities (aro Harry, ace Louis) and then added some non-traditional omegaverse dynamics (alpha/alpha) AND one of my all time favorite tropes, FAKE DATING! It was also a journey to write this fic and I worked so hard to make sure I really felt like I was doing justice to our identities and trying to give good and valid and understandable representation to them, and I really think I was able to achieve that. Some of the comments have been the most thoughtful and humbling and just beautiful I've ever gotten as well, which is just the cherry on top, right? So yeah, this baby defo gets to be on this list for sure hehe

You Don't Care About Me (One More Night) - This fic is one of those instances where you write what you want to read, you know what I mean? I had been craving a fic like this one, and I'd read some similar ones but I wanted MORE. The more I thought about it, the more the idea shaped up, and before I knew it I had (I wish I was joking) something like SIX PAGES of brainstorming with the timing laid out and what would happen when to make sure it was slow burn enough but also character development at the right pace and also just... everything I wanted, you know? I've never outlined a fic to that level before and I probably never will again, but after outlining it like that, I then went and wrote this fic, which was the longest fic I'd ever written to that point, in less than a month. It just flowed from me every time I sat down at my computer. It turned out exactly as I had hoped, and it is one of the few fics of mine that I have gone back to read repeatedly. I've not actually read it all the way through repeatedly, there's usually just bits and pieces I'm craving at the moment, but that's still far more than I generally do with my own fics. So I'll take it hehe

a moon, a rainbow, and a carnation - Okay okay okay, there's a lot about this one that makes this one something I'm super proud of, even though it feels ridiculous because it was a fic I wrote for this year's @wordplayfics, but there's a lot of reasons why I really am proud of it lol For one, I'm still new to writing Oscar and Pedro, and I love them SO much but I've only written them in one fic previously (and it isn't even out yet lololol) but!!! Its only the second fic I've ever written with a decent amount of Spanish in it. The lovely @nouies has been so kind as to cheerlead me about the pairings as well as help me with the Spanish, and we have had SO much fun omg. She helped me SO MUCH with this fic, and I so appreciate it and am so happy with how it was able to turn out because of her help! I also tried a new footnotes thing with the translations that turned out to work even better than I anticipated, and that just makes it even better, right? So yeah. I'm proud of it because I did all of that AND ALL WITHIN A WEEK. YASSSS

'Cause What I Want Came True - Okay so once again this one is one that Lou indulged me on because who doesn't love Diego Luna, hmm? lol but I was struggling with Wordplay again and suddenly I came upon a few quotes and an entire soft and hazy idea presented itself that I just HAD to write. It is almost semi-stream of consciousness while also not being quite that way, and I just really REALLY love how it turned out. I've actually already gone back and reread this one and the previous one on this list since publishing, and they've only been out for a week or two at this point. That's impressive and very rare for me. So yeah, quite proud.

I am missing some others that I would probably say are favorites, but you did limit me to five. lololol and These were the five I thought of off the top of my head haha so they will do for now hehe THANK YOU SO MUCH for asking and letting me ramble about my fics for a little bit!! sorry this got so looooong....

[blushblushbear]

sorry..... me again...… you can choose to ignore this if you feel like it's too much

(not trying to guilt-trip you, please don't feel pressured

uh maybe... Nimh? Nimh is cute I like Nimh

if you don't feel like doing him, maybe Poe or Anon?

*blows the dust off this ask* oops this one's pretty old

I already did Nimh so Anon and Poe it is

Anon

Okay not to call the scott a drunk

but I'm about to call the scott a drunk

he's not too bad, but he is a little picky about what he will and will not drink

low key judges people for their choice of beers

side eyes people who order basically liquid candy as a drink (for a cocktail at least, he will rot his teeth on mountain dew don't get it twisted)

he mostly does pints but his fav mixed drink is a moscow mule

or a spiked energy beverage

speaking of drinks he always has a crazy amount of them

g-fuel, red bull, monster-- every energy drink type thing you've seen he's probably got

also drinks prime

also mountain dew

a lot of it

I joke about his teeth rotting but in all honesty he takes good care of them

that's the one gamer stereotype he does not fall in town

he's low key germophobic so his apartment and battle station are SPOTLESS

he defo has those touchland hand sanitizers cause he's a boujee bitch

speaking of boujee he's actually p well off

started trading stocks young and did crypto till it tanked

he doesn't like to talk about his crypto days (he was a hard crypto bro at it's peak)

usually his drunk rambles are about crypto

also conspiracy theories

also video games

his parents are decently well off too but he doesn't talk to them much

they don't have a bad relationship but it's definitely one of those 'you see the family only around the holidays' kind of deals

he has a lot of internet buds but I think deep down he's bad at making real connections and actually gets pretty lonely

likes watching animal videos, WOULD NOT get a pet

rarely has people over to his place, took him a while to fully mentally accept having you over

he was determined to get over it though cause he really wanted you around

would never shower with someone cause that just feels unsanitary-- the shower is for CLEANING

would maybe get a snake-- they're pretty clean

once went 3 days without sleeping

actually lost a lot of sleep to stardew valley when it first came out

his farm is AMAZING

loves to troll at video games but not in a run face first into the enemy team and ruin it for everyone kinda way

more a does a 360 no scope on you right when you think you're safe

you mad bro??? lol

sends lots of memes about liking his s/o cause he's really bad at saying how he feels

favorite director is Edgar Wright cause he's a man of taste and culture

regularly cleans and buffs his nails

has at least one to two drinks chilling in every room of the house

really wants to get an ear piercing

really vain about his looks even though he dresses like garbage

just tell him he's handsome, he's legit too proud to beg but he needs that validation

listens to a lot of underground bands and artists

also a lot of djs

owns 15 pairs of headphones

5 have animal ears

showers at least once a day unless he's in a gaming trance

once tried to write you poetry, felt like an idiot, removed all evidence of it's existence and would deny it fully if you ever found out

Poe

Probably not a surprise to anyone but he got bullied a lot in high school

Has been writing poetry since he was 10 and has notebooks full of poems and short stories from over his life

really wants to write some kind of vampire mystery series centered around a brooding poet vampire but also he's bad at writing mysteries

I've sad this before but he's in a book club with Nimh and Cashew

he keeps trying to get them to read romantic novels

Cashew was game until he realized Poe meant like Lord Byron romantic

Mary Shelley Romantic

thinks Mary Shelley losing her virginity on her mother's grave is the coolest thing ever and is high key jealous

Mary Shelley is honestly his hero

secretly got addicted to soap operas

he wants to stop so bad but he can't

he doesn't have a pet but if he did he'd be that dude you can totally tell has a pet cause he's always covered in fur

not that Poe would even care

Poe actually never much cared for birds and is still salty about becoming a magpie

owns so many Victorian/Edwardian style coats

and vests

he's just one color palette/slight aesthetic change away from just being steampunk

owns so many bits of jewelry, it mostly just floats around his living spaces and he chooses what he's wearing that day at random

all the people who headcanon Poe as trans, you're correct

constantly painting his nails and it's always chipping

his nail polish is actually pretty jank but he doesn't care so long as his nails are black

his living spaces are a mess

lots of papers, lots of random odds and ends, lots of clothes and book and forgotten mugs everywhere

does actually partake in the music aspect of the goth culture

most of his fav bands are ones you haven't heard of

he doesn't actually like horror much

at least not this modern jumpscare nonsense

he likes his horror dark, dramatic, and poetically gorey

Saw??? more like pa-shaw he can't stand those movies

the closest thing he gets to liking more mainstream horror franchises is Chucky

Tiffany Valentine is his favorite (*jennifer tilly voice* ~Jennifer Tilly~)

he can always get down with halloween, but only the first one

he can fuck with Tim Burton and Guillermo Del Toro though

crimson peak is his shit

also Jane Austen bitch?!

he loves him some Jane Austen

Emily Dickinson

Mary Shelley obvs

he low key hates to be basic but fucking

read Emily Dickinson's poetry and tell him you're not simping

he legit does simp for Shelley and Dickinson

legit loves the Kira Knightly Pride and Prejudice will all his heart

Sylvia Plath

He's trying so hard not to be basic but he loves Wednesday Addams

that line about her being allergic to colors--- he felt that

regularly listens to sounds of rain and fireplaces

ye I think I'll end it here lol XD

[lowkeyrobin]

Hi! Could I request Maxggs dating headcannons? Thank you!

yeah of course!! so glad to finally have a max request lol ; thanks for requesting, hope you enjoy!

MAXGGS ; dating shenanigans

summary ; dating stuff w max

warnings ; language

word count ; 298

masterlist

he's literally the sweetest omg

he's always memorizing your interests and feeding into any collections you have (as long as it's like not overconsumption, like figurines and books yk, stuff you'll actually use and appreciate)

he loves sharing his music taste with you and getting more songs to listen to from you

loves doing character improv challenges with you

you both have an asmr channel together and it's mostly comedy stuff, like maya winky and caroline easome

you met through Harry and Freddie (🙏🙏)

you were like "oh cool a friend of my friends" at first

but they brought you two together at an amusement park

and you did basically everything together

Harry and Freddie were vlogging so they kept poking jokes at you two when you were out of earshot LMAO

he confessed first

he was having an existential crisis one rainy afternoon and ran over to your home with flowers

you opened the door to see him soaking on your steps holding a bouquet of your favorite flowers

"you okay, max?"

"y/n I'm in love with you"

like okay buddy

he's like a 4/10 on the pda scale

like he'll hold ur hand and kiss you and stuff but that's it

he doesn't need to display your relationship cause it's kinda awkward

he's not jealous either, maybe a 3/10

a lot of people just ick him out and he doesn't wanna get you stuck in a bad situation

and some songs that fit your relationships vibe 🫶

don't delete the kisses ; wolf alice

ways to go ; alec benjamin & khalid

different kind of beautiful ; alec benjamin

overdrive ; conan gray

she calls me back ; noah kahan & kacey musgraves

detour ; maren morris

somewhere in my heart ; aztec camera

fade into you ; mazzy star

[no0t2]

@checkadii

I literally just woke up so this is the worst time to post this but ngl I have this problem where I wanna talk about it but I blank so fucking hard and fall flat on my face that I end up not talking about it anyway out of sheer embarrassment.

I'm not good at structuring my thoughts properly either because of ADHD, but here goes I guess.

I usually gotta segway into the topic if it's relevant to the conversation usually via,, friend convo, I don't know how people do deepdives of characters and whatnot I can't do that. I'm not sure why that is, this always has been a thing for me where I've got some level of understanding and my own HCs and such but they're not written or anything, so I can't express them.

To me Postal is just a silly series (minus P1 and Redux), not to be taken too seriously. So I don't really think about the "lore" that it has so much. I can ramble about Postal: Brain Damaged tho, that's probably my favourite cos of gameplay... And the designs as well as the soundtrack. It's just such a good game, I never thought shooters would ever be a genre I'd like to play, as I was so against playing them (thanks Half-Life for opening up my eyes). I can say definitely with confidence that retro styled FPS are especially something I find fun? Not on intense difficulty or anything either, I usually can't go above normal.

I've listened to "Straight Outta Suburbia" for like over an hour straight, I'm pretty sure even during while I was drawing one of my BD sketches lol

Back to Postal in general, I frankly haven't done enough "research" on it where I can properly speak about it aside from the games I've played (P1, P2, Paradise Lost and P:BD) And they're all games that are super different from each other (aside from P2 and PL, but even then). I'd also say I'm still pretty new to the series, speaking as I haven't played all of the games yet. Frankly, I was planning to just stick to P2 and that's it, glad I didn't.

Postal 1 I remember making me feel all sorts of weird things when I both played it and after I finished it. The load up intro scared the shit out of me the first time I opened the game, to where I had to pause for a minute. And it kept spooking me each time I did open it. I think that was kinda the point of the game as it's pretty dark compared to it's counterparts. I won't get into the lore of the 1st Dude cos I've seen people pluck at each other's feathers over the interpretation of him. But essentially, guy looses his shit during an episode, starts killing everyone. (Or just, "hostiles", depends how you play the game.)

P2 is so wildly different (aside from the fact that you can shoot people) that when I first opened it I was so confused how I was met with THAT Dude. I was surprised to hear him talk more beyond than just "BLEED" or "Only my weapon understands me". At the time I was also wrangling personal fears and feelings(which I don't know if I wanna get into, let alone if people would even wanna hear it lol) over playing the Postal series, so my initial expectation towards the game was:

"Okay, I know this is going to have some offensive shit in it, there's parts that won't be fun probably." And hoped for the worst, surprisingly a lot of the stuff in it I didn't find that bad, most of it is definitely fucked up, but nothing I couldn't handle, surprisingly. I played neutral-y, so I only attacked whoever attacked me, but I'd bail if I had the chance.

Paradise Lost plays similarly to Postal 2 (as it's literally the same branch of game just in the form of DLC). But I've found myself enjoying it way more than Postal 2, mostly cuz I found some of the jokes in it actually funny.

P3 I haven't played because I got rick rolled by RWS on the website so I'm not gonna play it out of spite </33 (But I've seen gameplay)

Postal: Brain Damaged is like, even more different than the previous entries as it's a retro styled shooter. But it has the charm of a Postal game and MAN is it good, I think the fact that it was released more recently is what made me enjoy its humor more. And it just!! Is so fun in general like wow, I'm still processing playing the game and I've already been thinking of replaying it because of how much I've enjoyed it. Definitely recommend trying it out.

AND WOWWW this has gotten long oops. Sorry.

I wanna note tho that, although there are aspects of Postal I enjoy, there's a lot of them that I don't, namely the offensive bits, some of them are genuinely fucked up where I can't go past them even in a comedic sense. Which I think is OK. I still enjoy other parts of it :^]

[fexarii]

what kinda music do you like??

First ask I'm answering :3c plan on doing one each 1-3 days yaya

This one's a hard one, I def wouldn't say I'm someone who listens to everything as I'm quite picky sometimes, but I do have genres I prefer! (Sorry in advance for if I get any terminology wrong)

Big big fan of a lot of new wave bands, oingo boingo in particular! With that I also really like those under the ska genre, so think of madness or again, oingo boingo's nasty habits :3c

Since I like ska, I'm also a fan of cabaret, older and newer stuff! I mostly shove all of it in my circus playlist lol but unfortunately I'm plagued with the I Own a Will Wood CD curse

There's muzak, which is mostly 'grocery store music' from the 60s-70s. One of my favorite bands is That Handsome Devil, they sample a lot of muzak stuff and combine it with other genres I like :P

Okay now a complete flip from this kind of bouncy music, on the other side of the coin I'm a BIG fan of hex-d, gabber, hardcore, anything that'll make the neighbors hate me. Team mekano is another one of my fave bands, their music is peak and I'm kinda sad that people don't know them for anything but Spiral2005 and Me Pregunto. (Looking at you . animators .)

Lastly, for the big boys there's anything my brain considers 'tropical', like certain genres of jazz, bossa nova, latin lounge, allat.

Stuff I can't place is nelward, toby fox, the scary jokes, bo en/calum bowen, the garden and their side projects; just generally artists I follow religiously but kind of don't fit into the stuff I usually listen to.

So maybe I DO listen to everything . but country is like a no go for me . idk it makes me turn inside out the moment it gets on (besides that one hamster dance song, iykyk)

[riddle-me-ri]

Hii!!! Since you already got asks about what your thoughts on the various Mad Hatters, and Scarecrows are—

Now I gotta ask what’s your thoughts on the various Riddlers? 👀

Complete the dork squad various thoughts EHEHEHEHEHEHE >:DDD

Hope you have an amazing day/night time!! ^^

-🐭💤

Hehe nope I haven't done one for the Riddlers yet, but it only makes sense to round up the Dork Squad with my ramblings let's gooooo

So I'm kinda just gonna go in random order lmao, and I'll mostly just focus on the ones I write for or else we'll be here FOR DAYS lmao but here I go!

Batman the Animated Series Riddler: Husband. 11/10, the reason I even got into Batman and the Rogues, why I'm here asdfghh. He can do no wrong, he still has done no wrong. Mockridge deserved to have sleepless paranoid nights for taking advantage of my amazing husband who would've have gone on and made amazing games had he not be mistreated....I love him a lot lol

Arkhamverse Riddler: Absolutely fucking brilliant, amazing love, love, love his character development. Definitely one of the best developments (not like...the best for him but writing wise) out of the entire series. It's so tragic, his fall from grace...and Wally's voice is perfect for him! He captures his radio/game show host voice but can also do moments of vulnerability right before picking his voice back up again, it's AH amazing.

Gotham Riddler: Ehhh...I've already griped about this show a bunch lmao, the way they've written the rogues is one of the huge issues I have with it. Ed is one of them. I almost stopped watching when I saw the split personality bs...just...AH. But I do adore S1 Edward with my entire being, I wanna be friends with him, I wanna hear him infodump and watch game shows and play video games just ugh

Reevesverse/Dano Riddler: ehh he's, he's okay. I can appreciate they had him fight for injustice (kinda like Arkham Origins, except Origins did it a wee better, just because it proved Ed's point that his knowledge and evidence was enough to make the system collapse more so than violence. Knowledge is more powerful than batman running around beating up henchmen) and I did like the cards, and I can appreciate the orphan take, but he is just kinda meh to me?

Gotham City Sirens Riddler: mmmm p.i. riddler my beloved asdfgghh love, love, love him. I know reformed riddler is a hit or a miss with some people, and I totally get it. But I adored him in this comic, it was nice seeing him doing better even for a minute. And my man's has rizz! And his relationship with the Sirens was super entertaining and endearing.

Zero Year/Capullo Riddler: Ahhh this asshole. I do sincerely enjoy him. I loved that this story showed what the Riddler is capable of (i know new 52 is garbage, but I do appreciate what Capullo/Snyder were doing in their run). I also just really, REALLY adore Capullo's style and his version of the Riddler just scratches an itch in my brain.

The War of Jokes and Riddles Riddler: asddfgh I hate this asshole. So much, it's almost a love to hate, dumb beef leprechaun looking motherfucker I swear to god. So dramatic and extra, but not even in a fun entertaining way lmao.

Young Justice Riddler: Baby boy, baby girl, can do no wrong, deserved better too. Much like BTAS, was absolutely robbed, we should've gotten more episodes. I will say his voice is absolutely jarring, but it grows on you the more you associate it with his design lmao

Telltale Riddler: AH PUZZLE GRANDPA!! lmao again, I dig how much of a threat they built him up to be. I love the different take on him being on older and established rogue. I also love his backstory or atleast the hints of it we get, it's intriguing and different.

Hush (DCAU) Riddler: asdfghj the fucking terrible twist aside...I do adore this design and voice for him. And yes, I do adore that just enough to try and write for him lmao.

Here's a few extra riddlemen I DON'T write for but in case anyone was curious:

Batman Forever Riddler: Listen, I love Jim Carrey, but the man gave me fever dreams. One of my core memories waking up at 3 am was not only to the music collection ads that'd play but also the random movies they'd play on TV. Batman Forever was one of them, and it overwhelmed the shit out of me. I woke up thinking I had some weird dream, but when I realized I wasn't totally losing it...ahhh yeah. Again, I can appreciate his inclusion, his take is absolutely iconic for sure. Just not for me.

Hush (comic) Riddler: Another excellent story about how compelling of a villain Riddler can be, I adore his design here too. If the animated version just kept what they had AHH

The Batman (2004) Riddler: I'm sorry, I adore Robert Englund voicing him, that was a neat surprise. And his backstory is so sad, but I just...not my fave design. I really can't get passed it. So sorry I know he's a favorite, but just not for me.

Batman '66 Riddler: I've only seen clips, gifs, and some episodes, but I adore this man. I don't write for him yet only because I don't know nearly enough. But I absolutely love this man and will praise him until the end of time. He's the reason we have the riddler suit. He's the OG. He's the goat.

Harley Quinn The Animated Series Riddler: As much as I'm not a fan of a bald Riddler, I fucking adore this Riddler. He's really witty and sarcastic, a man after my own heart. Gotham is overrun by rogues and this fucker opens a university? Of course, he would. I also adore him and Clock King, are you kidding me??

I...I hope that answers your question...lmao I didn't mean for it to get this long I swear to god.

[maxdurden]

tagged by @deadchannelradio! thanks!! i'll always take the opportunity to talk ad nauseam about music i'm listening to lol

shuffle your on repeat playlist (on spotify) and list the first 10 songs and then tag 10 people

1. Pigs is Pigs by Mannequin Pussy — what an incredible first pull. uhm. sorry for the screamo ass punk music but also consider that i literally JUST saw them in concert and this song goes so hard. it's not sung by their front woman (who totally deserves her flowers), but i LOVE colins' vocals. not a lyric in the song, but what he said at the concert was 'we don't need police, we need community' and fuck yes. this is such a good band if you have an opportunity to see them in concert do it holy fuck they're so good haha 😬👍

2. American Teenager by Ethel Cain — i know exactly two (2) ethel cain songs but this one goes hard what can i say. peak speeding down the highway singing at the top of your lungs music (don't speed, dive safe kids)

3. Control by Mannequin Pussy — it's gonna be a lot of mannequin pussy on here,,,,,,, lmao. this song is great tho!

4. Too Sweet by Hozier — there's probably gonna be a lot of hozier on here too lol. he released new music which always makes me ill, but also unreal unearth unheard has been sooo good for the oc's i've recently been throwing around like ragdolls in my head lol

5. I Got Heaven by Mannequin Pussy — 'and what if jesus himself ate my fucking snatch?' need i say more? this is maybe one of their best songs lol

6. Smog by Indigo De Souza — everyone go listen to all of indigo de souza's music RIGHT. NOW. thanks :)

7. Clean Slate by The Mountain Goats — this is another band that released a new album recently(ish) and i've just been a bit ill about some of the songs. the trumpets are especially fun in this one lol

8. Ptolemaea by Ethel Cain — okay so stick with me on this one. it's a great song first of all (insane that it's on the same album as american teenager lmao but go off ethel) but i've mostly been listening to it for oc purposes. this oc is kinda a vessel for working through feelings about gods and faith, and the way that both gods and the faithful need each other and shape each other. essentially,,, in a universe where gods are sustained by the faith of their followers, what happens when all but one of their followers is wiped out. in what ways do those two entities change and warp and love and destroy each other. ya know. just coping with senior year of college things tbh. anyway it's a great song :3

9. Apollo by Momma — this song has fun instrumentation, makes brain go brr. also!!! very on theme for the previously mentioned oc and thinking about gods and the weird relationships you can have with them.

10. Same as Cash by The Mountain Goats —IN YOUR CAR WITH YOUR HEAD IN YOUR HANDS AT THE FAR END OF THE WALMART PARKING LOT, TRYING NOT TO BUCKLE UNDER THE STRAIN, STRIKING A BARGAIN WITH THE IMP IN YOUR BRAIN, PREPAIRED TO TAKE ANOTHER KNOCK FOR THE SHORT GANG, BUT YOU CAN ASK ANY VETERAN RUNNING BACK, EVENTUALLY YOUR JOINTS COMPLAIN. this song is so special to me no one will ever understand it like i do (only bitches who have worked long hours at an understaffed walmart during the pandemic while couch surfing bc you just left your shitty home situation will ever understand what john is trying to say here like i do tbh. entirely possible john doesn't even understand it like i do [this is a joke. art is personal and always ripe for meaningful and individual interpretation. pls don't shoot me]). but everyone should listen to it anyway, the violins and piano are so so fun and good

hahaaaa i told you i could talk soo much about the music i like, unfortunately for y'all

@darkravenstag @thrustin-timberlake @mitebitmurderous @johaerys-writes @sabrirene @sarcasticbeanie @seethestarsalittlecloser @sleeperagentclone @notacluedo @alive-ontheinside

(no pressure ofc!!! and if you don't have spotify i say just go hog wild and talk about songs you've been enjoying no one can stop you)

[dangerous-disposition]

Hi again! Same newish fellow autistic music follower - and you had me at “music autistic with metal leanings” bc same hat! Lol of the five bands you listed - do you have like most favorite songs by each (or if you had to list a few by each)? I’ve mostly listened to all of them but I’m always looking for MORE and love peoples recommendations, esp if they talk about what makes the song tick for them - ya know? Anyway - MUSIC! Lol ok love you, bye!

Okay so because I know if I went to type out my lists of my fave songs by each, I would waffle too much so I Made More Playlistsssssssss

SLEEP TOKEN

I am not joking when I say the Sleep Token is legitimately my favourite band in my whole life. Like something about them just hits so right. I've already linked to My Sleep Token Playlist but here are my Top 5 songs, like gun to my head, make me choose type shit.

And yes, these are all songs from their newest album, but they are legitimately masterpieces. Like Ascensionism? Might just be? Literally one of the best songs ever made? Like Ever?

GHOST

Ghost is my second favourite band in my whole life. I was introduced to Ghost during a really rough time in my life in 2017 and they became my Comfort Band. Like I go to Ghost when I'm feeling my worst.

This might be the first year since I learned about Ghost that Square Hammer isn't gonna make my top 5 on my Spotify Wrapped.

BAD OMENS

I kinda cheated because this playlist is 6 songs, not 5, but that's because What It Cost and Like A Villain are a bonded pair and shouldn't be separated.

The specific versions of the songs are important too! Like Dethrone, specifically the live version, is so excellent.

MOTIONLESS IN WHITE

So full disclosure, Motionless In White I love love love a lot but I've never spent a lot of like... dedicated time listening to them like I have like Ghost, Sleep Token, and Bad Omens.

Werewolf is such a fun track and I love the way Chris Motionless belts a line near the end. Cyberhex scratches something very very very good in my brain.

DIO

I struggled with with this one a bit because like... Dio has a lot of songs and I love so many of them!!! I'm still waffling about putting Scream in my Top 5 over Fever Dreams...

ANYWAY THESE ARE MY TOP 5'S OF MY TOP 5 BANDS IN MY ROTATION RIGHT NOW!!!!

I hope this like..... actually answers your question laksdjfkljasdlkfj

[biggreenstache7]

thoughts and feelings about the halloween specials?

not sure if this is like, thoughts on spooktacular as a concept as a whole (which i guess can be summed up as "used to be my favorite thing on the channel, slowly losing interest") or on all of them as a whole, so i'm just going to uhhhhhhhhh. yeah

Spooktacular i - obviously it's not amazing because it's the first one and in that sense also falters story-wise but like. dude it's so much better than anything else on the channel in 2016. it feels like during that one week break something clicked and the channel stopped being mid (the last few rips before title theme and ending were also p solid but the stuff before that. yeeeeeaaaahhhh) it was cool that that was woody's first main appearance. also the album art had no right being that good. otherwise its mostly ok yea that sure is the first one

Spooktacular ii - uhhh feature presentation is a little silly i like it but it's also. yeahhh. what was the deal with them putting woodman like that. and otherwise it was mostly just spooktacular 1..... 2

2018 skip because nothing happened. uh i guess the rips were good. same old

Spooktacular iii - Lol. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah this is one of my favorite things on the channel in general. I could talk about it for ages. It's so awesome and i think it will quite literally never be beat, atleast in terms of spooktaculars. the writing is a little stupid but it GETS GOOFY WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S SO STUPIDLY CHARMING!!!!!!!! IT'S A WHOLE EPISODE and the amount of time put into it is so clear. i love the original song with lyrics in it so much i ripped it. IT'S EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm sure if it didn't exist i would probably be a different person. AND IT WILL NEVER BE BEAT. whatever. the rips are like the same as usual but that DAMN MURDER NOT TOO NICE! whatever. whatever. 4/10

Spooktacular iv - uhhh it was fine. i really wish they did more with the theming it felt kinda like missed potential but atleast the banner was AWESOME one of my favorite banners on the channel ever. shoutouts to this one for being like the only one that actually ends on halloween. also the moment the yankin takeover happened i pointed out this video and like asked if she was the like fallen angel or whatever mentioned in it BEFORE curse of the fallen angel was even announced. kind of badass of me. otherwise yeah kinda nothing

spooktacular v - it's fun! i liked cotfa, it didnt take itself very seriously but it was enjoyable to listen through. kinda an initial highlight to me of my main problems with siiva writing as a whole but the fact it was an audiostory worked in its favor and the dynamic between the 3 main characters was fun. halloween events need to stop lasting so long though like, the fuck do you mean this went on until november 13th?!?!?

spooktacular vi - it's fun i guess, but not much more than that. i liked the videos, they were goofy, david s pumpkins is a fun thing to have as the reocurring joke, but it was clearly not something that was given much thought and a result kinda blends in my head as "A spooktacular" i appreciate the mspaint videos existing though. but yeah it's. just "tradition" at this point

spooktacular vii - god i wish i actually cared at this point dude. it's not bad at all and i'm sure the music stuff is fun but lore has been gone for like, almost a year and now that it's back it's just. a little nothingburger? i have a lot of small complaints i could make about the story this year but i just can't really bother anymore. it's fine. this is all fine! i'm losing my capacity to care about this channel and it's all okay. takane is a nothing protagonist on her own. the writing is kinda subpar at worst and average at best. all of it feels completely like missed potential. nothing about it feels like, yknow, siivagunner. and i cant even be bothered to care anymore (i just skimmed through the last 2 videos). idk man. it's not "bad" in the slightest but a lot of aspects of it represent things and quirks about the writing on this channel ive never really cared about. i think maybe 5 years of being into something and having it never really do anything for you might be doing something to me to the point where i don't really care anymore. this just seems to be becoming a good excuse to let it go because it doesn't say much to me anymore.

sorry that ended on a bit of a downer note idk what to say now. yay! fun! spooky ooooooooooooooooooooooooo halloween boo

[notebookmusical]

Hi! I'm so glad you're doing okay and hope things with urgent care went well. I hope March was good for you too! This month is almost over and went by pretty fast in my opinion. I can't believe it's already April. That's a really cute gift for your friend and inside joke to share though.

I do agree about TTPD and anthology feeling like they're pretty separate albums. I always wanted more info on the creation of them and how and why it's a double album. But the answer is probably simple..that she had a lot of songs m, or that was supposed to be the album before she wrote the first part that was more directly about what happened I guess. I'm happy to have all the songs though and just pick favorites now. I've always done that with Taylor though where I just play certain songs so it doesn't bother me as much. I understand why it bothers some people though, but everyone has different favorite songs too. I think her next album will be shorter with more of a theme though. I listened to Selena's album, and wondered if it would be similar to that theme and sound as well, and she also posted about it! I love their friendship so it made me happy too, but her album is just okay for me. Some people think it's already coming this year too, which seems crazy but she used 12 letters in her post which seems like a hint. The only reason I kinda agree is because she probably wants to move on from TTPD with a happier album I guess. As always, I would be happy and excited with anything we would get or if she wants to take a break of course. I'm not sure about the rerecordings anymore either. I have no idea when any of this would be though. What do you think?

I totally forgot about Japanese Breakfast's album and have been listening to that too. I was really excited for it and love the title lol but I still need time with it but liked every song mostly right away. I really enjoyed her last album too and the song Kokomo Indiana is one of my fav songs of all time. I think I might like the last album more for now but I still recommend it. Just know it's a softer album, almost similar to Soccer Mommy too. I wanna finish reading Crying in Hmart again too cuz I was almost done with it. I am going to listen to Tate's new album later today and will let you know my thoughts. I'll try to get to Alessi Rose too, who I've never heard of but always enjoy your recommendations. Her name reminds me of Alessia Cara who is also on my list by the end of the week which was funny to me. I'm also excited for Ariana's deluxe album coming on Friday, which I forgot to mention when we were talking about deluxes. I It reminded me of Gracie's too, which I never got to. I mostly think her songs are just catchy, like That's so True grew on me and so did Call me when you break up. Also hoping to fit in Lucy Dacus as well!

I am waiting to listen to Maybe Happy Ending until more cast albums get announced but I have enjoyed the songs I've heard from it which is about 3 or 4. Like I think Death Becomes Her announced one for middle of April so far. Idk if you can tell, but my listening seems to have a theme or similar artists grouped together. I still have to listen to Sunset Boulevard too, just to see Nicole's acting thru her singing I guess lol. Also Selena has a song on her new album named that and I think it was my favorite based on sound at least so that was funny. Operation Mincemeat has a London cast album I think so I finally heard a song from it and read the plot from a review so I guess I'm a little more interested in it now. Boop has released one song I heard and I'm not sure what I expected the music to be like but it was okay and kinda fits. She has a good voice and the look right at least based on the curtain call video al I have not been good at watching bootlegs or anything lately so I might try to look for some as it gets closer as well. You will have to tell me how it is if you do watch the Boop one, about the story and music. Smash...I read something that said Karen is not a newcomer and something about Ivy's death scene???which got changed..idk. I'm also curious about Redwood, Just in Time, and Floyd Collins but mainly because I am a fan of the three leads and that's all I know besides the basics lol. Wow it seems like a lot lol and have no idea about awards yet so I hope some cast albums are announced soon. I'm hoping there is something I could love eventually, like how I did with Outsiders last season even if it was late lol. They did announce the tour for SF sometime in 2026 which is still a while. I'm sorry you missed Waitress after all and am looking forward to The Notebook on tour and loving it as much as you do. I hope I can go to Parade just cuz I haven't been to a musical in a while, but I have concerts coming up.

Since it was Stephen Sondheim's birthday recently, I finally listened to his final musical called Here we Are, which was okay. But I thought I would ask what are some of your favorite songs by him? I think we talked about musicals but not songs specifically. I think your fav is Sunday and obviously mine is Sweeney Todd. I was reminded of it when you mentioned la grande jatte in the escape room. So I would pick Maria, Moving On, Johanna, Johanna Reprise, Epiphany, Losing My Mind, I Wish I could Forget You, Agony, Not a Day Goes By, and Being Alive. That's just off the top of my head lol and I know it's a lot but I took from each musical.

That's such a sweet and thoughtful gift for your mom's birthday. I would never thought of that and I'm sure it will turn out great..the scrapbook too. I'm not crafty at all and admire that about you haha. I'm much more into sweets generally too but would like to learn more. My sister is always watching recipe videos and trying to think of stuff to make but I find it pretty hard to even think of what to eat most of the time. I don't think I'm familiar with a lot of foods at all like cultural cuisine, and that's something she's trying to change too.

Ya I debated on Halsey too and almost didn't get tickets and only decided on it cuz it was the first show of the tour. I'm not even sure how we will get there but have time to figure it out. I'm sorry you can't go..I also have no idea what the vibe of her shows are really like either but I'm sure it will be fun! Like I think it will count as a bigger show and I'm used to small shows. Oh I'm glad you have concerts coming up too! When are the shows? Are they coming up soon? i'm adding these artists to my list, besides Sam Fender who i am familiar with. I assume you are a big fan since you're going to the concerts or did a friend ask you to go? Are they both singer songwriters or more acoustic cuz then it would be a smaller show. Do you prefer small concerts or bigger? I like small cuz you're usually closer but big concerts also have more energy. The Soccer Mommy show didn't have a lot of people singing which felt different, but that was also true at Zayn's show. its always more low-key if it's just one person but I feel like Halsey could be different even though it was a softer album. Haha no, green is more my second favorite..I usually say pink and like and wear it more so that's why, but I started liking green too. My sister also has two favorites. What's your second favorite? I know this was kinda out of order and maybe long and sorry if I missed some things but I'm wishing the best for you, and to have a nice weekend even if it's still a few days away.

hello friend!! i hope your april is going well! is there anything you're looking forward to? how've you been?

i cannot believe it's been almost a year since tortured poets — i do want to relisten and rerank on its one year anniversary. i listened to the selena album recently for one of my album of the days and i didn't love it, unfortunately — but i do really love call me when you break up (especially gracie's verse). i listened to japanese breakfast's new album on april 1st as well for AOTD, and i really liked it! i've been trying to get rid of some vinyls/not buy as much and so my ranking is like, if it's a 5 star i'd get the vinyl — i think it ranks somewhere between a 4 star and a 5 star for me, but i'd have to relisten to see if i love love it or if i'm fine just streaming! i loved crying in h mart, it's one of my favorite books and i always recommend it! let me know what you think of it 🤍 i also really enjoyed the ariana deluxe songs, and listened to the new lucy dacus album earlier — i didn't love lucy's new album but i don't think lucy dacus' music is particularly for me. i did really like best guess though!

i missed the death becomes her cast recording announcement, so i'm so excited you mentioned it! i'll definitely listen to it for one of my AOTD's. i haven't been doing a very good job of listening to cast recordings for that, so i do want to pick that up and be better about it. i'm super intrigued by mincemeat, and do want to listen to the cast recording so maybe i'll do that today! yeah :( everything i've heard about smash does not ... sound great. i'm honestly wondering how long smash has but haven't been following broadway world grosses as of late! i'm super intrigued by just in time (love erika), and also floyd collins (lizzy!) and kind of curious by redwoods (although i do not see redwoods lasting without idina and i think she's leaving in august?)

some of my favorite sondheim songs are move on, we do not belong together, someone is waiting, marry me a little, being alive, losing my mind, not a day goes by, franklin shepard, inc., and no one is alone! i listened to here we are when it first came out but should do a relisten soon!

i loveeee being crafty! and i also love exploring different cuisines. my friend put me on the beli app (like goodreads/letterboxd etc. but for restaurants) a while ago and i am obsessed with ranking restaurants and taking photos haha.

i ended up not going to sam fender, unfortunately! but i have two concerts in may (alix page & sara kays). both of them are smaller artists and i do enjoy them but i'm not a HUGE fan! just happened that my friend asked if i wanted to go to alix and i said sure, and bailey is coming for sara! they're both singer songwriters, and i think you'll enjoy both if you like gracie and lizzy etc (which i know you do!). i prefer smaller concerts, honestly, but they're usually GA and i am old and like seats haha.

my favorite colors are pink (mostly pale pinks but all pinks, really) and then blue and purple! but i wear a lot of blacks and navys and whites! and a lot of merch since i get to work from home!

no stress on length or time it takes to reply; i always love hearing from you and conversing 🤍 hope you're doing well and staying safe my friend!

[ambrosialdesire]

What kind of music do ur ocs listen to? Or like what do u think they would like?

-🌷

OMG WAIT TULIP THIS IS A REALLY GOOD ASK I MIGHT MAKE PLAYLISTS LATER BUT I'LL GIVE BRIEF DESCRIPTIONS

note that i have the worst music taste of all time and never make proper themed playlists, so bare with me if there's pretty popular artists/songs in the playlists, i don't really find much underground artists like that LMAO

achelous: classical music, jazz, and country music; he's a big fan of songs that are mostly instrumentals and less lyrical. he also loves his traditional greek music, though he can't really find much original songs from WAYYYY back then, so he finds ones that are similar. he wasn't allowed to listen to music or join in the parties back in the roman empire days, so he used press his ear as closely as he can to the walls to listen to it. country music is in the mix due to him living in the south most of his older life and being surrounded by it regardless, so he has a few favorites.

sung-jae: his own music (nah i'm joking... kinda), but he's a frequent club-goer, so he's constantly listening to club/electronic music. he doesn't really listen to any other music outside of the club and since his other job is a singer, he's busy making his own music rather than personally listen to others. he sorta prefers quiet more than anything tbh but if he has to have something in the background, it would have to be on the softer side of music.

pollux: he feels more of a classic rock and a modern rock listener, even an indie music listener; he's more of a mixed bag tbh that likes most song genres. there's not much songs back in his home (esp since it's underwater lol), but he loves hanging by the bar near the beach and listening into whatever they're playing. back when he was still just living in the water, he'd pull up to boats all the time to listen to their music on the radios they had or even way back then, he'd listen to the shanties and watch as the pirates get drunk off their asses.

steinar: doesn't listen to music at all since he lives deep in the forest. he used to enjoy the parties and celebrations he attended during his viking days, but nowadays, there's not much worth in music anymore since all his friends and loved ones are all long gone. if he had to have some sort favorite genres, it would be actually opera and classical music tbh, much similar to achelous since they're both old men lol

valerius: it's literally all religious songs i'm not joking, so it's ig classical/opera/choir?? idk haha some religious songs in the church that i used to attend were kinda bangers LMAO but yeah, he doesn't really listen to outsider music since that's a "sin" in his eyes. BUT since i don't want to make a whole ass playlist of church music, he'd be a listener of metal/rock that's SPECIFICALLY religious based, cause prior to him being a priest, he used to be a metal listener.

levy (ugh): this fucker is probably the best one that i'll make unfortunately cause i knew what vibes i wanted him to have ever since i made him. he listens to rock, like the midwestern emo type of rock or grunge/emo/shoegaze yk those kind of vibes, and metal like alt/nu metal or thrash. he also listens to j-rock and j-metal bands (since he's a fucking weeb lmao), but you will rarely catch him listening to any sort of pop (except when it comes to his best friend's gf cause she's definitely a pop girly haha). he's also the type to gatekeep "underground" artists/songs and the "name 5 songs that aren't this this and this" so don't ask him for recs or tell him which song artist you like that he likes.

OKAY I'LL MAKE A SPOTIFY OR SUMN SO Y'ALL CAN LISTEN TO THE CERTAIN SONGS THAT FIT THEIR TASTES LATER IN THE MONTH OR SUMN CAUSE I GOTTA STUDY FOR FINALS LOLOLOL