#i'm highly aware of how stupid this entire ordeal is and I wish I didn't have feelings at all and things didn't affect me tbh

[mellorad]

pt 2/2, loosely connected to last night’s post. regarding how I’ve been feeling recently, with some vague context on a few other things that happened.

I genuinely thought my life was starting to get back on track when it comes to friendships earlier this year. My social life’s always been a bit of a mess; to the point that I have become extremely insecure, wary, and pessimistic. 

And for the first time in my life... things felt like they were getting stable, like I had found comfort, great friends I could trust and... love! Without doubting or overthinking anything. I made incredible friendships at the end of 2016/beginning of 2017, and solidified others for good around that time too. I had truly amazing times throughout the year, too, hanging out with my friends, travelling around, having a great friend coming over to visit!

But... some other scattered situations throughout the year, nothing too much for the most part: a few tense conversations, with the exception of an argument with a friend like I haven’t had in years.... and while I tried my best to not let any of it get to me, it obviously did at some point, even if just slightly. As such... I started to bottle things up. Something I had stopped doing for a long time... for several reasons.

I had a massive depressive period between... March to middle of May, more or less; I can’t pinpoint it accurately. I don’t know if you noticed; I remember venting about it vaguely ocasionaly or dropping hints in the tags. It was caused because of uni stress with a particular class, the usual struggles with perfectionism and high expectations and... I don’t know, man, honestly, I still can’t figure out exactly what and why, even though I’ve thought about it a lot.

It’s... hard to explain. Before that I had been super social... and during this period, talking to my friends in my daily life was... the only thing keeping me happy. So I would hang out with my friends irl as much as I could, in and out of uni; talk to my friends out here... and I’d avoid getting home to my apartment. 

I remember the feeling too clearly, and I dreaded it at the end of the day. Because I knew, the moment I opened the door to my room, I’d feel... empty. So empty. So lonely, numb, apathetic. I kept thinking: “I can try my best to distract myself and pretend everything is fine, but at the end of the day, all I come home to is an empty room; and of all the things I can escape, I can’t escape myself.”

I tried a few times to explain this to a few people; and it was shrugged off as “ah you’ll feel better soon, it’s just your adjustment to suddenly being so social after being alone for so long”... which is understandable, but it didn’t solve any of it. 

In retrospective, I realize now; to compensate for my inner numbness, I would be overly excited, extremely vocal in my appreciation for my certain friends... in a desperate attempt to burry these feelings and make sure they knew how much they mattered to me. 

This ended up being unhealthy for me, and unhealthy for a few too... Particularly with one person, perhaps the last friend I ever wanted to... “hurt” in any way. I came on too strong for a little while, overwhelmed them with my appreciation/enthusiasm and gestures, and made things... a bit awkward between us for a bit. 

It’s... so fucking awful, how I was afraid of overwhelming them at one point; and the moment I felt like I could let go of that fear, I was careless, tactless, and I screwed things up a bit without realizing I was doing it, without meaning to. It’s so much worse making a mistake without realizing it than being aware of it, specially when I’m this acutely aware of what my flaws are, and constantly striving to improve.

I realized it soon after... and we ended up discussing it and clearing things up eventually; and for that I’m truly glad, since things seem to be... getting better, I think. I hope. There never really was any bad blood between us. But this situation haunted me for... months; at first I couldn’t deal with the regret of having made that mistake... and I felt so frustrated, so angry, so ashamed of myself (remember the times I’d mention I was frustrated with something? yeah)... it took me a while to accept things and try to move on.

It still gets me today, though, and it has for so many weeks, in a completely different way; it’s not the situation itself, but how the realization of that mistake made me (re)think and overthink every single aspect of myself, all my actions and all my flaws lately. I’ve become even more insecure, careful, introspective... I just... haven’t felt fundamentally okay with myself for a while now;  I seriously thought I was improving, I was getting somewhere as a person. Now I realize I have... so, so much to learn, but fuck, I just... want to feel alright with myself again, comfortable in my own skin, unafraid of talking to others; not so wary, or distant. I want to “be myself”, like everyone says I need to be, without overthinking things. 

All this time I haven’t been able to talk to... anyone about this last part, really; how... lost I’ve felt. It’s like the words can’t come out of my mouth: “it’s not the right time”, “I don’t want to ruin this conversation by mentioning what’s going on” “this is ridiculous, they’re fed up of listening to my depressed ass” “you’re gonna bring this up again? god you’re insufferable”.... Even when I want to message most of my friends, I feel so uneasy, and I think to myself: “they have their own life going on, and I don’t want to interfere with it” or “no, i’ll feel guilty for this, like I am bothering them”... 

So I’ve grown quiet, aloof, distant. Talking less, grinding the thoughts in my head over and over again more; thoughts I can’t discern completely sometimes, but I feel the mental exhaustion. Not posting much out here, replying very late to messages. Even if... god, I desperately want to reach out, I really do, I want to be able to do that... but I just.. can’t. I want to ask for reassurance, but my pride stops me and says I shouldn’t ask for it, reassurance should be given naturally if it’s honest. I want to talk about it, but I never managed to blurt out the words, or I end up deleting a message halfway through. It’s happened so many times by now.

But in the end... this is my problem, my very personal one to solve. I don’t want to bring anyone into this mess, it’s already enough as it i. It’s my problem, one I’ve dug myself into. I need to figure this out by myself and get out of it, no matter how long it takes. So... now you know if I’m not posting as much out here, or talking as much. It’s not that I don’t want to, quite the contrary... it’s just difficult for me to reach out. 

But... now you know. I need to work this out on my own. Things will be better eventually, in time. And... I’m sorry if any of my friends is actually reading this... it’s been way too hard to say it directly to anyone specifically. Writing this was... something I really needed... a way for me to speak into the void, to no one in particular... lay down everything in a coherent order for myself, and explain things out to those who might come across and read this by chance.