#i'm going to miss helen the angry cupboard sex doctor

[jupitermelichios]

S3E2: Phoenix

Oh Jesus it’s been a whole 2 months since I last watched any Smallville and in that time I somehow managed to forget about Lex living on a desert island with his imaginary boyfriend, so that recap section hit me like a sack of angry ferrets to the face

I think this episode opened with Clark murdering Jonathan, which I am so here for

Oh no, apparently Jor-El gave Jonathan superpowers off screen. Because that’s the sort of thing you shouldn’t show on screen obviously

Time to dramatic shirt rip, under 2 minutes, excellent

“If I could raise a son who could kill, I’d rather be dead” boy do I have some news for you about S1E1 Jonathan my dude

“Oh honey we never blamed you for me loosing the baby!” Hey Martha maybe you should check with Jonathan before saying something like that, given he very much did exactly that, or was gaslighting your son your whole plan?

Say what you like about Buffy, at least there were consequences for her running away from home at the end of season 2. Clark can apparently dose himself up on PCP, become a professional bank robber, and then try and murder his own father, and just waltz back into his life without consequences

God I love tiny gay Lex Luthor. I do have to ask how the fuck he got back from Jamaica though, given he’s got no money, no ID, and HE’S LEGALLY DEAD! How the fuck did he pay for flights?!

I do admire Jonathan’s consistency when it comes to anything being morally okay as long as it’s Lionel who’s the victim. “You can’t steal, Clark, that’s wrong!” “But it was from Lionel.” “Oh, lmao that’s totally cool then”

If a suicide is a real cocktail no one tell me because Lionel and Rutger Hauer apparently used to drink them when they were young and based on how it looks, I’m guessing the main ingredients are advocat and tango

Also I’m pretty sure Lionel and Rutger used to fuck, I’m getting strong Giles and Ethan Rayne vibes from this conversation

How do we tell people this is a flashback? Oh I know, lets cover everything with so much bloom it looks like a 360 launch title and no one can see what’s going on, you know, like the past looks

Angry-cupboard-sex-doctor (who is getting abbreviated cos she’s in this episode a lot) is serving strong season 3 Morganna energy and I love it. She’s like the straight woman’s Katie McGrath, I really hope she sticks around as a season villain

Oh Chloe’s hair is so much worse now! Given who the actress turned out to be as a person she deserves it, but it’s still phenomenally terrible. Hands up who remembers Balamory?

“We all do things we regret” yes but being a massive bitch generally has less consequences than TAKING PCP AND BECOMING A BANK ROBBER. He’s not running from himself he’s running from the law

Literally the first thing Lex says to Clark after 3 months of being legally dead is a pick up line. I appreciate your dedication to your brand tiny gay Lex Luthor

Holy shit actual confirmation that Lana doesn’t got to school any more. Go to school Lana! You can’t keep running an ancient Egypt themed coffee shop for the rest of your life!

Okay, I know she’s an objectively terrible love interest given the whole murder thing, but Lex just implied he killed his dad and ACSD was definitely into that, and damnit I just want them to be happy! She’s so much better than Clark, why the fuck is he still into this dickhead when he’s got this homocidal queen as an option?

I love that Rutger Hauer just takes it on trust that the thing Lionel is hunting for is a mason jar full of this random farm boy’s blood, he’s just like ‘yeah, that seems like a thing Lionel would be into’

Lana arrives at the Kent farm, walks up to the most gangster looking gangster to ever be a ganster, who is literally holding a gun and leaning against a black SUV, and is just like ‘hey didn’t know the kent’s had visitors’ and fucking immediately gets taken hostage

But then immediately fucking murders a guy, holy shit, Lana actually did something that contributed to the plot and it’s really sad that the closest thing to agency Lana has is when she stabs a guy to death with a pitchfork, what the fuck

I’m pretty sure Lex is about to kill ACSD, but fuck if I’m not enjoying the two of them standing on a private plane drinking champage and sniping at each other like they’re in a tenessee williams play

Oh my god they shot the fucking pilot. Lex has literally been back from the dead a day, and he’s in another fucking crashing plane, what the actual fuck????

Aaaand there goes ACSD right out the crashing plane. Goodnight sweet bitch, you were the only good love interest lex has ever had, may a flight of angels sing thee to thy rest

You’ve heard of day for night shooting, now get ready for we can only use this set at night as we’re just going to adjust the brightness and hope you don’t notice! (Spoiler, we noticed)

Clark’s jeans and plaid shirt are fireproof. They’re literally fucking fireproof. Which I guess makes sense given he sets shit on fire every time he gets horny but even so. Does explain where all the Kent’s money goes not they’re not going to the feed store every epsiode.

Oh to be Lionel, sitting in the dark drinking scotch and listening to opera, waiting for my son to get back from murdering his wife, so I can congratulate him on becoming a true Luthor

Credit to the makeup artists for giving lex scars and sunburn, and then remembering that they did it. That’s not the kind of consistency I expect from this show but I appreciate it

LEX GETTING FATHER FIGURES LEX GETTING FATHER FIGURES the only thing I want more than that is for them to bring back Lex’s long lost brother and for chloe sullivan to get possessed or something so I don’t have to deal with her. Where’s Joey Wilson when you need him?

I love how they managed to turn superman of all the fucking characters into a YA supernatural love triangle story

Lana has a new horse. She’s never owned a paint horse before. WHAT IS SHE DOING TO HER HORSES?????????????????? I need to know!

Clark just conclusively told Lana he’s not interested. Who wants to bet the writers have forgotten that by the start of next episode?