#i'm frustrated in the so-called progressive groups that pushed for this and said nothing when it led to 3/5 of the major programs

[eddywoww]

I live in a more conservative area in the US. My family isn't, but whatever. Being LGBT was looked down upon in this area, my parents made sure to tell me it was ok and people were close minded (hell they even left the church they went to and started their own). They were great parents.

That being said the surrounding area was not. Got bullied in school for being gay, even though I simply was just focused on academics. I wanted an A more than I wanted the D am I right? Hm. It frustrated me because no one even asked and I was straight. This went on from when I was 10 to 17, when I finally graduated and got out of that area. The bullying was intense, from something as simple as name calling to having group projects turned in without my name but slurs on it to getting physically pushed around and shoved.

I went to college and met some cool people. Went to a pride parade as an ally. Started learning about different labels. Proclaimed to be demisexual with a desire for men because I still didn't really have any sexual desire and again, focused on school.

When I was 21 I moved to an entire new area for my job. Met a girl in her 30s who has a kid (12 or 13 at the time I dont remember) who came out as nonbinary and pan. Good for them! The woman was an "ally" except-

Tried forcing me to come out. Many times. Put me in secret uncomfortable situations. Some highlights of things she did were: take me to a gay bar without telling me thats where we were and then paying someone to kiss me and then kept asking if I realized I was gay because I didn't push the person away (I was shocked), after I claimed I was demisexual claimed that I had repressed my sexuality because society inherently tells you to be straight and that I was truly a lesbian, would claim I was a virgin if I never slept with a man because a woman couldn't take that so if i had "religious trauma" and wouldn't sleep with anyone based on keeping virginity i could with a woman and be fine (which I dont have any, my parents formed that church and were all inclusive and its a safe space hell they even organized pride events before the town did), and the worst of all got me drunker then I've ever been to the point I could barely stand and left me with a guy who had a crush on me who kept coming onto me. She talked to him and I saw her wink at him and she left me with this dude who got too handsy if you know what I mean. Nothing under the clothes happened thank God, and really it was my own fault for drinking so much at her place *she had many people over, I actually drank less then other people but still*. I asked why she left me with him and she said she was tired, then later said she wasn't surprised he tried anything and then said "well you're definitely gonna be gay now and not want to be with a man".

I left that area behind as my career progressed and it hit me, damn she was kinda fucked up. Kissed a few people and realized hold on I do have a sexual drive hello, and I dont have to get to know people first to have it?? Not demi then. Cool! Realised that the woman kinda fucked me up. I'm doing therapy which...is ok. But I got on Tumblr and have been on

And I've met some cool people. I've realized huh I guess a straight person doesn't think about boobs and vaginas while they get off. The dicks made sense, but the rest? And it hit me Holy shit im bi?? I think??

In my mind, being LGBT was okay but ME oh no suddenly it was the worst thing in the world. And im realizing its okay for me. Idk why I thought it wasn't except for the intense bullying. One thing that made me realize was everyone on tumblr. Like I said I met some cool people. I havent sent everyone a message because I want to be anonymous still. But you're one of the people who have helped me realize its ok. It is okay for me! So thank you for that. One of your fics really helped when I was first struggling with the realization and...thank you. It may not seem like a big thing to you, but its changed my life.

Thank you so much for sending me this. Like actually truly.

First of all, I’m so sorry for the situation with your ex friend. I can’t stand when people need to push and push to get the reaction THEY want, it sickens me deeply. Im sorry you went through that and I’m so happy you’re in therapy and that you’ve discovered yourself now.

It actually IS big to me when I hear about bisexual people accepting themselves. I don’t talk about it here much but I too grew up in a conservative area. I dropped out of school for bullying, etc but had the opposite story of knowing I was bisexual very young and not knowing how to word it? I just knew it was “bad” and I went to church a lot and I needed to repent for it. So I get that part in a warped way.

I think it gets to me for a very personal reason. There’s this inherent shake when you’ve been made to feel bad about your sexuality that resurfaces at random. I had an ex boyfriend who was obsessed with my sexuality in the opposite way. He was abusive and thought I was cheating constantly with my best friend, would call me a d*ke and a f*g constantly (almost always before some sort of physical abuse) and I was just deeply ashamed of my self, to the point of being biphobic at points.

What I’m getting at here is I came out after we broke up and I expected it to be this dawn of time shit because my family is accepting too! And I remember my mom getting upset and going, “Are you sure this isn’t about your breakup? Are you okay?” And I kind of just wanted to fucking scream. Or the way family members treat it like I’m divulging some sort of sexual secret. My sister coming out as bi years later really helped me. Dating someone who both did not care and didn’t want to sexualize me made it better.

In between all that, I ended up dating a girl who I could tell from the get go doesn’t see me (still now as friends) as “gay enough”. None of my struggle or my problems are the same, none of my fears are warranted, etc. that’s fine. I don’t need suffering to know who I am. What I’m trying to get at is even after years there are still tiny things that eat away at me but I’ve learned coping skills and developed friendships that make me feel so much better. And hearing stories from other people helps so much too. So thank you for telling me yours, it means a lot to me. I know you weren’t asking for a wordy response but I just woke up and I’m a sensitive bitch 😂

I’m sorry for the things you’ve gone through and I wish the world had been kinder to a young you. I’m glad you’re better now and if you ever need to message someone (if you ever choose to not be anon) I’m around ☺️💕

[thespacesay]

one thing I feel like people miss in the discussions around the ridiculously low pay rates allowed for certain groups of disabled individuals is that in order to effectively change that, we first need to tackle funding for programs that support the types of disabled individuals who receive these pays. while i'm speaking to my personal connections to this, those low pay rates typically are social programs. these programs create jobs that are applied for via social workers assigned to disabled individuals by the state, and not through job applications. they are notoriously underfunded, primarily run by companies or groups who want to be seen as progressive, and typically are shut down rather than given increased funding.

for example: a recent change in a local pay rate for disabled individuals made it so my downs syndrome brother got like... $7 every two weeks (low hours + low pay) instead of $3. cool! for people who need more hours and the money it gives them, that sounds great!

but the thing is, at least for all the programs I know of, these programs are typically designed with people like my brother as the primary goal: adult disabled indiviuals for whom the goal of work is not to have a job, not to make money, but to provide a consistent socialization system. my brother is financially supported by our family, and he's disabled in ways where financial wellbeing is beyond his cognitive abilities. almost no money is put into the programs beyond paying a program manager, and it's generally used as a public "look at us, being so nice to provide for disabled adults!" thing. when my brother's pay went up due to legal changes... the company decided to simply end the program rather than invest in paying more.

again, i'm fully for raising their wages. I think the absolutely pitiful amount of money they're paid for legitimate work is terrible, and i'm well aware that my brother works with others who need what finances they can get through these jobs. but there's more to this than just wages. there's campaigning for better social programs so that there's something for them to fall back on. there's looking into how your local programs for disabled individuals are run, and ensuring they have enough money and equipement to provide a safe working environment for their workers. there's understanding who is paying these wages, what their goals are, and holding them accountable to helping disabled people instead of using people like my brother on an endless stream of advertisements to show how socially progressive they are.

and i'm really not joking about those ads. god, I really, really wish I was. my brother is visibly disabled, adores public attention, and very friendly. he's in like... 3 programs and featured in newsletters or ads probably 3-5 times a year. those programs have also let him wander out the door and not noticed for over an hour, fired program managers for manufactured reasons after they request funding for small but meaningful changes, and... been the local police. guess which group is the only one that never shuts down from a lack of funding?

I honestly can't tell you how best to help disabled people in your area. my needs as a disabled person are vastly different than either of my brothers, and all of us have terrible problems with employment not providing for us in vastly different ways. but if you're just tacking on "disabled people deserve better wages" to a broader "people deserve a living wage" with no nuance, you have got to understand that you can be actively harming the very people you want to support.

[mystery-salad]

I'm half asleep and can't think of any characters off the top of my head so you can choose but #17 blease. "Nothing is wrong with you."

Oh man I know exactly what I wana do here let’s see if I can get my first piece for Kai out. It’ll be a bit of a time lapse through Icebrood Saga.

“Nothing is wrong with you.”

Arms crossed and arched upright, Kai stared down at her teammate locked in the cell. “Figured my warning to stay alert was taken seriously, turns out I was wrong.”

Braham’s gaze wavers, but to his credit he doesn’t look away. More determination than Kai had expected from him for a while. “I’ve bailed you out, but if this happens again Eirsson you’re on your own and the team moves out regardless.” It earns her an elbow from Caithe at her side and a mumble of being too hard on the guy, but she elects to ignore that for now. He needed to learn the gravity of the situation and she’s been on edge enough without setting foot in a jail she would’ve likely ended up in herself if she had any other job.

“Just grab your shit and lets go.” She unlocks the cell before tossing the keys back onto the warden’s desk, stepping back enough for Braham to pass her and grab his belongings. Burn her, she hopes he didn’t have that bow on him-

“Uh...where’s my bow?” He sounded as on edge as she felt now, asking the warden about it.

“Fuck...”

—————————

She was already uneasy following the commands of another charr again, even if Almorra herself hadn’t touched the legions since leaving to start the Vigil. The call just...rubbed her fur the wrong way.

Turns out, standing in the middle of a keep strewn with dead bodies, her hunch was unfortunately correct.

“Alva. She was...she was one of my guild mates.”

Kai felt a twinge at that, one she elected steadfastly to buckle down on. The past isn’t a place to dwell when the present holds danger. “Keep steady Eirsson. They’re just bodies now, and we’ve got a job to do. Enemy could still be close.”

“...I did...I failed them.” She turned to look at Braham when it was clear he wasn’t hearing her, spotting him kneeled over the crumpled body of, presumably, Alva. Poor girl looked around his age...young.

Shaking her head, Kai strode quickly over to him and put a paw on his shoulder. “We have to keep focused Eirsson. Stay on task. You can mourn after the threat is neutralized.”

He met her gaze again, wavering less but far more unsure, before he gave a nod and stood to continue on. A motion that was interrupted by the sudden sound of a door slamming open in the silence.

“Look. It...it opened.”

—————————

“They...how is this...they betrayed Almorra and Jhavi...killed all those people...”

She let out a frustrated huff as she turned to Braham. “Who are you talking about, the sons of svanir? We already knew that mu-”

“My guildmates...” she could hear the strain in his voice as he said it, and felt that twinge again. And pushed it down again.

“...come on, we need to keep moving.”

—————————

“Wait... Braham Vowbreaker? Raven led you here?”

“Vowbreaker?”

Kai hadn’t met Jhavi before now, had no idea what to make of the apparent legendary daughter. But she wasn’t a fan of how familiar this conversation felt. The twinge was back and getting harder to ignore.

“Oh didn't you know?” Olar, she presumed, stepped closer to the team. To Braham. “That's what they call you in the Shiverpeaks now.”

Burn me...

“I...I own my mistakes, Olar. Now it's your turn.” To his credit, the kid wasn’t shaking. He stood his ground better than she expected given what he’d just been told. But this wasn’t the time for it.

Putting a hand on his shoulder again, she gave Braham a firm pull. “Stand down and step back Eirsson.”

She could see a familiar fire in his eyes as he opened his mouth to defy her. The twinge snapped, and her claws dug into his shoulder hard enough to draw blood as she growled. “I said stand the fuck down Braham!”

That seemed to work, for the moment at least. She’d startled him enough to break the building tension between him and his old guild, for long enough to get through. “You don’t want this on your hands kid. It’s not the same as fighting Icebrood. Take my offer, stand back before it gets worse or I will make you.” There would be a solid silence, save for his old guild still trying to jeer him on. But she kept a firm hold and kept his eyes on her while he thought it over and finally, thankfully gave a tired nod. “Good choice.”

It didn’t take much to nudge him behind the group now that he’d go willingly, and she threw a warning glance at Jhavi before aiming her pistol at what was left of Braham’s old guild.

—————————

She’s always kept to herself, even out here in the cold. She guesses some habits break harder than others even as she put effort in. But small steps still add up to progress. Caithe sat flush against her side by the second fire, clearly determined to steal as much insulation from her fur as possible.

“...you really should talk to him”

She glanced down at the sylvari, a bit surprised by the break in the silent evening. “Talk to who?”

“You know exactly who.” Caithe met her gaze with a small frown, something Kai had come to understand meant disappointment. “We both needed someone when we hit our lowest. The team is sweet but they aren’t going to understand what happened like you do. I know you get it. You stopped him from making the same mistake, now help him figure out how to stop himself.”

She rolled her eyes up to the cloudy sky, acting a lot more exasperated than necessary as she hid her discomfort. “You’re joining the other fire and telling him for me. If I go over there they’ll all think they’re in trouble again.”

Caithe stood in response, expression softening as she leaned up to kiss Kai’s muzzle. “Try to relax so you don’t start a fight, you both need this.” The charr let out an indignant huff in response, watching Caithe join the team and shortly after watching a much bigger silhouette walk warily over to her more private location.

“...Eirsson.” A gesture to a seatacross from her brought Braham to eye level over the fire. He was clearly uneasy and she knew the team was still adjusting to her efforts to be less...harsh. “Relax a bit, I’m not going to bite your head off and you’re gonna waste your energy like that.”

The words seemed to help.

...a little.

“Look, I just wanted to say...you did good out there. Given the situation. You’ve followed orders from the start even if you don’t seem to hear em half the time here.”

He seemed surprised by the words, compliments were never Kai’s strongsuit on the best of days and, to her own chagrin now, she realized this was probably the first time she really praised someone on the team. But that was a concern for when there weren’t more pressing topics.

“...Jhavi called you Oathbreaker. Said all the norn call you that now.”

She could see his wince lit up by the fire, showing well how he felt about it. Yet he was still trying to put on a brave face. “I left my team, we’d...failed to take down Jormag, and I ran. I broke my oath.”

She gave a small nod in response, “You did break an oath. But it wasn’t one you could’ve capably kept with a small team anyways. Jormag was coming whether you fought or not. As were betrayals.”

“No! It was my destiny, I followed the legend! I cracked the tooth, and then I failed. I broke my oath and now everyone’s paying for it because I couldn’t do what I was supposed to.” His voice wavered and his gaze broke from hers at last to look down at the flames dancing between the two.

“...I failed too, you know.” Her posture was tense as she spoke, a tale she’d never truly be prepared to share herself, and never had since it was infamous enough. But now it was needed. “Got all the way to the flame legion camp only to find out my right hand already betrayed me. The only blood on my fur that day was from my own legion.”

Braham was silent. Whether from a lack of listening or surprise that she was sharing, Kai had no idea. But she pressed on. “Found out only after I got back from another job that my running for tribune had been rejected, and I was no longer welcome. I killed a lot of legionaries that day. To away from a life sentence.” She took a deep breath, shakier than she’d like to admit and thankful for the wavering flames creating too much motion for Braham to notice if he looked back up. “You fucked up kid. But that doesn’t mean everything halts until you make it right. Some things are too fucked to fix, and you’ve just gotta move forward to the next option.”

She let the silence hang as she gathered her own thoughts again after saying all that. To her surprise, Braham spoke up in her place. “...I was supposed to live up to my mom. She’s supposed to be proud of m-“

“No. Fuck legacy. I don’t care who your mom was, you’re the person on my team. All I want you to live up to is your own potential here. Nothing is wrong with you Braham.”

“My mother was a great warrior!” He seemed to bristle at the idea of throwing that away.

“She was, yeah. So were my sires. And you know what? That legacy did jack shit for my own life once I didn’t perfectly meet the bloodline standard. You can hold her up on whatever pedestal you want, but it better not be over your fucking own.” Her fur stood on her end, on the verge of snarling as she spat out more information she hadn’t intended to share but realized she needed to. “The team wants you here, not Eir. At the very least, respect that fact and do what you’re here to do instead of what the norn want you to do.”

All the energy left Braham at once, the momentary aggression, the wariness of being lectured, everything. He slumped in his seat low enough that Kai actually had to tilt her head down a little. “...you really think we can do this?”

She couldn’t help an indignant snort at that. “Think? We’ve dealt with worse. Whatever’s going on here won’t last. We will.”

[orenashii]

Author's Note

Next chapter’s up and ready! :D

21 Credits

Chapter 2

or

"She's Just Not That Into You"

"Hi."

She looks up at his face and Jack is temporarily struck by how pretty she is up close. She looks him up and down quickly. She sniffs and turns away.

"'M spoken for."

"I'm sorry?" He could hear a slight slur to her words. Maybe she was lost? He should offer to help her look for her friends.

"I said I have a boyfriend." A sneer on her lips. "So whatever line you were planning on using on me, you can just put it right back in your pocket. Or go use it on some other girl."

Oh.

"No, no," he tells her. "I merely wanted to see if you were okay."

Her expression radiates with what he could only assume was annoyance. "Do I look like some sort of damsel in distress?" She takes a long sip of her beer. "Beat it."

"That's not what I was thinking at all. I just—"

"You're still here? Fine, I'll go."

She pushes off the wall and makes her way across the room. He sees her stumble slightly, narrowly avoiding another group that had crossed her path. He follows her and almost reaches out to steady her but thinks better of it and lets his arms drop.

"'Nother beer, please," she says as she reaches the 'bartender'. Actually, it's just another student who happened to be standing near the cooler. But, he imagines, the tone in her voice is so authoritative that the student bends over and gets her one without a word.

"Perhaps you've had enough?" he suggests.

"Oh, I get it. You won't listen to me when I tell you to back off but you expect me to listen to you."

He lets out an exasperated sigh. She did have a point.

"Very well. May I accompany you?"

Her eyes roll. "Whatever."

She darts towards a rare empty spot on the couch and flops down on the corner. He cautiously takes a seat next to her. He's not quite sure what to talk about. Everything he'd said just appeared to irritate her. It's been established that Jack's not exactly a master of conversation, himself. Normally when he spoke it was to answer a question. He finds himself attracting outgoing people, who made speaking for himself quite easy.

She leans back into the couch and props her feet on the edge of the coffee table. Her red painted toes wiggle in her tanned flip flops. She sighs heavily. He opens his mouth to speak.

"Um." Great start, genius. "What year are you in?"

She looks at him through half-lidded eyes, beer bottle tipped up toward her lips. "Fourth."

"Me, too."

She grunts, obviously uncaring, and takes another sip. She looks to her right, away from him, disregarding him completely. He feels like an idiot. Say something else!

"What are you studying?"

"Conservational sciences."

His brows furrow. "I was not aware that was a major here."

"It isn't."

"Oh."

He's not sure why but he feels increasingly nervous around her. Like he wants to keep talking to her, but one wrong word could send her over the edge. A ticking time bomb.

"Uh, then how—"

"Oh my god," she exclaims. Apparently he had been right. "Why are you here anyway? Can't you take a fucking hint? I don't want to talk to anyone!"

She was right. He wasn't taking the hint. He's just sitting on a friend's couch at an almost too-loud party next to a drunk girl who wants absolutely nothing to do with him. He asks himself why he's sticking around. Stupidity and curiosity forces his mouth open again.

"If you did not wish to speak to anyone, why attend the party?"

He can feel the chill of sweat break out on his neck and she stares him down for a long, long time. He thinks of leaving.

Eventually, she shrugs. "I dunno. I haven't been to a party in months. Thought it'd be different than what I remembered."

"And… is it?"

"No, it's worse." He narrowly avoids her arm as she wildly gestures to the other party goers. "Everyone here is so… unfocused. All they care about is drinking and hooking up with each other. I can't identify with any of these people."

A small smile touches his lips. "Have you tried?"

The look in her eye cuts through him like a knife.

He surprises himself when he laughs. He sees her eyebrows lift. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just, I know a lot of these people. They are good. But alcohol makes people act… silly."

"Silly?" she says. She laughs without humor. "What are you, five?"

He laughs again, louder this time. He feels a small swelling of pride as he sees her lips curl into a small smile.

"On the contrary, most people say I have an old soul."

"You're really lame, you know that?"

"That I have heard before." They exchange a look, both smiling.

"I'm Ashi."

"Ashi," he repeats. It is a pretty name. "I'm—"

"Hi, Jack," he hear a chorus sound behind him. He turns his head and sees two young women from one of his classes. He smiles and greets them. They were very nice ladies.

He can see in his peripheral vision that Ashi was rolling her eyes again and looking away. No! He had just gotten her to open up! Well, she had smiled. She told him her name. Progress is progress!

He excuses himself as politely as he can from his conversation with his classmates and turns back to his... couch mate? She seems, impossibly so, even more standoffish than before.

"I apologize," he says. "What were we saying before?"

"I wasn't saying anything. You were the one doing all the talking."

"Heh. Yes." He swallows the forming lump in his throat. "May I ask how you came to know of this event? Do you have friends here?"

Her expression, made of unreadable stone, doesn't even falter. "Nope. Don't know anyone here."

"What about your boyfriend?"

"My what?"

"Your... boyfriend? Does he know anyone here?"

"What are you talking about? I don't have a boyfriend."

His eyes squint slightly. His head tilts subconsciously. "What?"

"What?"

"That was the first thing you said to me. That you were, um, spoken for?"

"Oh. Well, I lied." She takes a long swig of her beer. He lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He feels relieved.

All of a sudden, Ashi lets out a loud, frustrated groan. She leans forward and places her beer on the table in front of her, head in her hands.

"Fuck, I think I'm drunk."

"Are you feeling okay? I could walk you home."

Jack watches her head lift and her expression screw into one of astonishment. Then abject rage.

"Is that what this is about? You pretend to be interested in the shit I have to say just so I'll bang you?"

She stands up in righteous fury and glares down at him. "I can't believe you! You're just like the rest of them!"

She turns away and he can't help himself but dart his hand out to catch hers.

"No! It's not like that!"

Her hand snatches back with a sneer.

"I'm being honest! I just want to make sure you get home safely. Ask anyone!"

He watches her eyebrows lift at the challenge. She moved to grab the hand of another girl walking by. "Hey!" The girl is taken aback but smiles back anyway. "You know this guy?" The girl angles her head around to look at him.

"Oh, Jack! Yeah! How've ya been, buddy?"

He smiles back sheepishly.

"Well this guy, this buddy," Ashi says, "offered to take me home. What do you think? That's a total creep move, right?"

"Ordinarily, I might agree with you, but not about him. It's kinda what he does."

"What do you mean it's 'what he does?'" She lifts her hands to her hair in frustration. "Where the fuck am I?"

"Seriously! Almost every party I've been to, he's offered to escort girls home, to make sure they get home safe!" The girl winks at him. "It's actually very sweet."

"Then you take him home!" she snarls and stomps away. Jack and the other girl exchange confused, well, his is more worried, looks and he excuses himself.

Ashi slams the door behind her and shivers slightly at the cool air of the night. What a bunch of idiots. She should have never come here tonight.

She barely makes it to the sidewalk when she hears her name being called out. She keeps walking. She doesn't need to turn around to see who it is.

"Ashi, please," he says. He touches her shoulder gently. She shrugs it off and furiously digs around in her small pouch and pulls out her keys, dangling them in front of his face. She points to a small canister on the ring.

"You see this? This is pepper spray. I will not hesitate to use it if I have to."

"I understand."

She grumbles, stuffing her keys back in her purse.

She continues walking.

He continues to follow.

Author's Note

Watch yourself, Ashi. Your night is only gonna get weirder from here.

Did I mention this story is ridiculously fun to write?

Love you all!

[bethevenyc]

Transgender soldier speaks out on military service, despite Trump's on-again-off-again ban: 'I'm breaking ground'

Zane Alvarez, who is serving in the U.S. Army. (Photo: Instagram/17Spark)

Transgender people serving in the U.S. military — a population estimated to be between 1,320 and 6,620 individuals  — have been on an emotional roller coaster since at least 2016. That’s when the Obama administration announced, “Effective immediately, transgender Americans may serve openly,” lifting what had always been a ban on such service.  

Rejoicing didn’t last long, however. In July 2017, President Trump bluntly tweeted, seemingly out of nowhere, that the military will no longer “accept or allow” transgender people to serve, creating chaos and questions. In October, a judge blocked enforcement of the ban, and then, as of January, transgender service members were welcomed once again, as the Justice Department on Friday put the proposed ban on hold and said it would not appeal federal court rulings ordering the military to begin the enlistments.

And now, in an attempt to stop any further whiplash on the subject, Lambda Legal and OutServe-SLDN have begun a new legal challenge, hoping to permanently stop Trump from banning transgender troops in the military.

Meanwhile, throughout all the ups and downs and mixed messaging, transgender troops have been quietly serving their country — including Zane Alvarez, 23, currently serving in the U.S. Army, stationed in Germany, as a behavioral health technician, assessing active-duty members for supportive mental-health services. “But I went through basic training and advanced individual training, and I learned how to fire a weapon like everybody else,” Alvarez told Yahoo Lifestyle back in July, after Trump first tweeted about the ban. Because of his uncertain standing, he could not attach his name to his story then. But Yahoo Lifestyle has stayed in contact with Alvarez, who can now speak openly about his past and current experiences in the military. This, in his own words, is his story.

I came into the army in July 2012 at the age of 17. I enlisted because it’s a family business. My father is still active duty in the U.S. Army, and my grandfather served as well. I was just about to start my senior year of high school and I felt completely unprepared for what the world had in store for me; college honestly terrified me. But I had a pretty good understanding of what the military is about: I grew up around it; I knew my dad wasn’t the best kid growing up and that after being in the army it changed him, and I hoped it could do the same for me.

[When I enlisted] I wasn’t thinking about transitioning at all. All I was thinking about was getting in the Army and following in my father’s footsteps. I had had a lot of friends that were very homophobic and transphobic, and in turn I actually became extremely homophobic and transphobic for the longest time. So I denied it for years. It took a while to get to this point.

Day 573 entering Week 81 of HRT. [LL] Well just realizing that I wrote the wrong number of days last week, this is the correct amount! Currently back in Grafenwöhr learning all about weapons on this 2 week TDY. First day and wow I learned a ton. Can’t wait for it all to be over, tired of this bunk bed already. Hopefully I will have some real news for y’all when I back. Feel free to leave a message! Themakingofzane.Sarahah.com #ftm #trans #transgender #thisiswhattranslookslike #transman #transmen #transguy #transandproud #transmilitary #opentransservice #imgettingmystripes #transallies #tattoos #tattooedandemployed #hrt #shotday #monday #nofilter #myhopewillneverdie #themakingofzane

A post shared by Zaneford (@17spark) on Aug 7, 2017 at 9:42am PDT

  What I’d been known for in high school is when it came time to dress up, I really dressed up. There was a point when I had long hair and would wear makeup whenever it was prom or homecoming. Outside of that I was kind of tomboyish — I had long hair but would rarely wear a skirt if I didn’t have to. But I could dress girly.

It was well after high school that I started identifying as a lesbian, then bisexual, and I started dressing more masculine and got more comfortable with myself. I remember when I finally had to go clothes shopping, and I went to some big major store and women’s section and trying to figure out what in the world to pick out and I was like, “Wait a minute, this is my own money; I can pick out whatever I want!” I did not know how to dress myself, so all I did is buy jeans and T-shirts. But I finally got comfortable with dressing how I wanted to dress. I finally stopped caring about what people thought.

On transitioning while on active duty…

I started socially transitioning in 2015 to close friends and my aunt and my younger sister. Then I started medically transitioning in January 2016, with hormone replacement treatment, or HRT [testosterone], which is something that is paid for by the military. There wasn’t an established plan as to how they wanted soldiers to start transitioning, so all I needed was a letter from a behavioral health provider stating that I have gender dysphoria and that it would benefit me to start hormone replacement therapy.

Basically it’s all a matter of paperwork [and getting an] ETP, or exception to policy, outlining my care … it’s on its way up to D.C. and then it comes back to me and just takes a while to push through.

At this moment in time on all of my legal documents, and according to the Army, I am still a female on paper. So at work if I use the bathroom or if I’m in the field or I deploy, I have to be roomed with females or I have to use the women’s restroom or locker room, and when I’m in my dress uniform I have to wear the women’s dress uniform — the main difference being that the female uniform is made to hug the body, to show the female figure, even down to the shoes, which look like a pair of flats.

Rocking out on a convoy! I say hooah!

A post shared by Zaneford (@17spark) on Feb 4, 2018 at 12:31pm PST

  But I’m the furthest ahead in my transition compared with all the other transgender soldiers here in Europe. I’m the one who’s been breaking ground. There are about 20 of us for now, spread out. I know this through different groups, through other people reaching out to me, my Instagram and Facebook posts, [which I do] so people can reach out to me. Like, “Hey, you are a fellow transgender service member.”

Of the other trans service members I follow, I probably most look up to drill sergeant Ken Ochoa, who is female-to-male like myself; he went through the drill sergeant academy as female and already had started his transition, had top surgery, but still had to go through as female and did an amazing job. Another person is Aydian Dowling, a major person in the trans community, and Laverne Cox … and Logan Ireland and Laila Villanueva, who are doing a lot for the trans military community, looking out for the other transgender people who are struggling, who don’t have the money … or family support, and are helping those who need it.

When I go on a mission, I sleep in a female bay — basically a large room with nothing but bunk beds. (Otherwise I have my own room.) There are male bays and female bays. It gets pretty frustrating at times. Not everybody in my unit knows … so essentially, I’m having to come out over and over again. There are times when people have told me, “I’m completely uncomfortable with you being here,” and I can’t do anything about it. I have no choice but to say, “I’m sorry; I’m not happy about it either.”

There are not a lot of facilities that still have open room showers; it’s more like stalls with curtains, so you see people coming in and out. Before I do anything I let all the females know about my situation in advance and if at all possible I plan around it. I try to shower earlier and later than everybody else.

Thankfully in my unit, there’s no [hostility], but sometimes when I go on a temporary duty assignment … there is. One time, my situation was basically made out to be a joke, and there was a lot of behind-the-door conversation about me, and it was terrible. It just honestly felt terrible.

Time is flying!!! On this same day in 2013 I was on CQ. Crazy to see all the changes; from face, rank, uniform, location, and state of mind. To really see all the progress, I cannot believe how happy I am. More progress will be made but I have definitely come a long way from that soldier from before. To That, I say hooah!

A post shared by Zaneford (@17spark) on Oct 4, 2017 at 2:04pm PDT

  A big thing in military culture is having a tough skin. I had such a big problem with that before I started testosterone. I was very emotional at one point and time in my life. It’s way behind me now, but testosterone has given me a lot of confidence, and I don’t cower nearly as much.

I remember when I got my first shot of testosterone — actually for the first few months, every time I gave myself a shot — it was such a sense of euphoria. I noticed all these little changes, like my voice is a little deeper, or more muscle development, or that crappy mustache I can grow now — all these little itty-bitty victories, things that some people can take for granted. Every time someone I don’t know refers to me as a male, calls me “gentleman” or “young man” or “sir,” I always smile. That is the number one thing that makes my day, when someone recognizes me as a guy.

When you transition from female to male [in the military], the difference for the [physical] tests is outrageous. So let’s say I were to max my pushups: For females in my age group, it’s 19 pushups in two minutes, it’s plenty of time. For a male, in order to just pass, it’s 40 pushups. For running, it’s a two-mile run and I’ve always hated running, I’m a terrible runner. If I want to get the max amount of points for the female PT test it’s 19:38, and to pass it for males it’s 16:36, so I’d have to run that much faster. But I don’t make excuses. Even though I’m still recognized as female, if you told me today I had to take the male PT test, I would do it and I would pass.

On family…

[Coming out to] family was extremely hard at first, because of the way my parents grew up. I’m Hispanic, and Hispanics can be very traditional sometimes. When my dad joined the Army he started off infantry, and that’s an entirely different culture that’s very intense. So it was a little rough at first. But now? I surprised my family last Father’s Day and no one messed up my name, no one messed up my pronoun. My dad was extremely happy to see me. When we go out to dinner and I’m wearing a suit — not a dress and makeup — they see me as their son. When my mom refers to me, I am their son.

Day 721 entering Week 103 of HRT. [LL] Happy New Year, and already behind! If you don’t know, every year I wear a new outfit for the new year, silly I know but it’s my tradition that I’ve held for several years now. I spent it with friends and family and surprising did not get super drunk. I learned how to play Magic and got my butt kicked by a 12 year old. She’s totally evil. I’ve already had a rough start but there’s nothing I can’t handle. Bring it on 2018.

A post shared by Zaneford (@17spark) on Jan 4, 2018 at 1:09pm PST

  When I heard about Trump’s tweet…

It was my day off … and I get a call from one of my bosses, a sergeant. I asked what was going on and she told me. … It really caught me off guard, because [Trump] was someone who prior to the election said, “I’m for the LGBT community.” He was literally holding the pride flag, and I don’t think he realizes how close-knit our community is and what that flag means to us.

So I was disappointed to hear there would be a ban. I come from a military family. I could potentially lose a career that is very important to me.

When I learned, back in June 2016, that the original transgender military ban had been lifted…

I was here in Germany. I remember following this for weeks … at the edge of my seat. On the day when [Obama] finally said yes for open trans service, I hung my trans flag up on my barrack windows for everybody to see, and it’s still up, next to my rainbow flag, so people see it all the time and ask me about it. I was so happy. I talked to all sorts of friends and family. I didn’t have to hide anymore. I didn’t have to pretend. It was an amazing day. I don’t know what will come of [the latest legal challenge], but I’m ready for whatever happens.

Read more from Yahoo Lifestyle:

White House Threatens to Shut Down Briefing Over Questions on Transgender Policy Shift

How Trump’s tweets ‘dehumanize’ transgender service members

Chelsea Manning Beauty exclusive: ‘This is an expression of my humanity’

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