#i'm exaggerating a lot here; 5-6 aren't THAT bad and there's still stuff i like in them. and i do prefer to acknowledge them as canon

[aletheialed]

also do you guys know the pain of not being nearly as into aa5-6 as the original trilogy (+4 which i need to finish still), but also having characters from 5-6 that you adore and still want to muse. looking at you rayfa. i love you sm ;w;

[widow-tarot]

PAC: What's Hidden From You About This Situation/Person

I'm so obsessed with Stranger Things and the new character, Eddie Munson, that I had to do a reading that involves him in some way. Icons belong to @iconsx4u

You know the drill! Choose max two groups that you're the most drawn to. Also, think about a specific situation or a person while choosing.

GROUPS 1-2-3 4-5-6

Reblog if you enjoyed the reading!

LEAVE A TIP: paypal.me/sadwidow

GROUP 1

Cards: The Chariot Reversed, The Tower Reversed, Death Reversed, 3 of Cups Reversed, 4 of Cups Reversed, 6 of Cups, Knight of Swords Reversed, Jealousy, Dark Moon Lilith Reversed, Yesoda Reversed, Hawk Spirit Reversed, Fragmentation Reversed, Praying Mantis, Ajoite.

This person/situation you're asking about has a lot of blocked energy that not only has roots in the past but there is a great possibility of past life blockages (soul contract of some sorts for example). It seems like this is something that happened multiple times for centuries, yet it's never able to break the cycle. It reminds me of Vecna's tentacles that capture his victims so they aren't able to escape. It was actually the first thing that popped into my head. The potential of this situation/person is locked like Vecna's victims, still and almost lifeless. There's third-party energy as well (for some of you it's an actual person or an earthly factor but for others for you, it's a type of entity that keeps it locked - much like Vecna!). This third-party energy gets involved with you guys, either on purpose or purely accidentally. It could be your person's multiple lovers and partners, parents, friends, or societal expectations. The energy of this situation must be broken and shattered so ugly stuff will come out that won't block the communication, but enhance it. When we're angry, we say more. But yes, this energy has roots in your first life so that's why it's been getting more difficult to unblock it. Time doesn't do you any favors, guys. Pieces lay scattered across the dimensions and the past. I'm not sure if it's worth it to gather the missing pieces and fight; if you choose to try, be ready for a hella difficult road ahead of you. The only person you can trust is yourself because the energy will try to manipulate you and lead you the wrong way. Can't even say "yes, you can trust your guides" because.... I just can't say that because I don't believe it's true. Our Animal Spirit Card literally says: "Let the spirit be your guide" but it's in reverse. So yes, be careful of fake/manipulative signs from the Spirit or the Universe.

Astrology: Aquarius x2, Virgo, Cancer x3, Scorpio x2, Aries.

Detailed astrology: Mercury/Moon in Cancer, Sun in Scorpio, influential Mars and Cancer/Scorpio.

GROUP 2

Cards: 7 of Swords Reversed, Page of Wands, Ace of Cups Reversed, King of Swords Reversed, Judgement, 10 of Cups, Beaver Spirit, Fidelity in Reverse, Moon, Trine, The Hermit in Reversed, Emily Bronte, Israfel in Reversed, Fated to Suffer, Moldavite in Reverse).

There's an energy of lies, secrets, and dishonesty here. If you're in a relationship/any type of connection and you have a bad feeling about whatever is happening but everyone else around you/this person tells you you're overreacting - you are right. There's something iffy about the whole ordeal and you're being gaslighted. Seemingly, everything is out in the open, you know stuff that no one else knows - but that's not all that there is to this person/situation. They are technically telling the truth, but it's so exaggerated and almost nothing like the actual thing that's happening that it might as well be a lie. Their intentions are not pure towards you - they need you by their side for their own benefits, there's nothing nice or kind about them. Do they have narcissistic/psychopathic traits? Because they're very good at lying and manipulation, people love them. It feels like for the most part you're happy when you're with them but the feeling of "something's wrong" is there, in the back of your mind like a plague but you brush it off because you'll never meet anyone like this. The bad stuff is dressed in nice clothes so at first, I was confused; but oh, this disguise is not even a good disguise, it will crumble as soon as you realize what's going on. Seemingly both of you have mutual benefits and you compliment each other but in reality, they change their personality to match yours. They exploit your need to have someone that understands you and gives you support - they feed off of your Moon. This message that you received is a warning to proceed carefully (it's like a distorted song that saves you while you're about to die - much like Vecna's curse!). Connection with this person will bring you nothing but pain and alienation - the longer we are under someone else's spell, the harder it is to escape. Open your eyes. Don't be afraid.

Astrology: Water Placements, Gemini, Scorpio x2, Aquarius, Pisces, Virgo, Cancer.

Detailed Astrology: Trine Aspects, Influential Moon/Pluto, Moon in Aquarius, Mars in Pisces, Virgo.

GROUP 3

Cards: 10 of Wands, The World Reversed, 9 of Pentacles Reversed, The Hermit, 3 of Wands, King of Wands Reversed, Mookaite Jasper Reversed, Envious Gluttony Reversed, Zora Neale Hurston Reversed, Parrot Spirit, Matariel, Ascending in Earth Sign, Mercury, Hope Reversed.

This situation/person needs some space and solitude. They have lots of issues at the moment and stuff that are happening which makes them exhausted. They don't feel like sharing their energy because they have so little of it. Nothing is going as planned and they have to make some sacrifices and bend their neck so they can resolve the situation. Don't expect any grand gestures from them or even communication because they have enough shit on their plate. They almost ask you not to get mad at them or cut them off; just wait patiently. It's like they're begging you not to go (also, Saturn is currently in retrograde and we have Saturn in reversed so shit hit the fan, so to speak). They feel very depressed at the moment and trying to get stuff done. They're trying to be smart about this and use their intellect, so on all the levels, they are tired. They're waiting for better times at the moment. They are asking you to listen and don't judge them; there is also a specific message for some of you - if you are in contact, use kind words and be patient.

Astrology: Leo, Capricorn, Sagittarius x2, Virgo x3, Aries, Gemini, Earth Placements.

Detailed Astrology: Saturn Retrograde or Influential Saturn, Saturn in Sagittarius, Venus in Virgo, Sun in Aries, Ascending Sign in Earth Sign, Influential Mercury, Influential Virgo.

GROUP 4

Cards: 4 of Swords Reversed, 4 of Wands, 9 of Swords Reversed, 8 of Swords Reversed, 5 of Cups Reversed, The Empress, Yesod, Addicted, Dog Spirit, Milk Reversed, Leo, Uranus in Water Sign, Baby, Bumble Bee Jasper Reversed.

Milk/Baby Cards: some specific message for you, but only for a few of you: there was a miscarriage/losing a child/stillborn. For others of you, a difficult childhood could be a factor here.

This person is healing at the moment, trying to escape their demons and the mind that equips them with nightmares and guilt. They are planning to go to the therapy and talk about their issues with a professional. They are trying to get to the root of their problems, getting into childhood trauma/past trauma/past situations and understand what can they do to be free of stuff that torment them. This is very slow energy, taking step by step, being careful and attentive, and working on themselves. It's all about getting out of depression and grief, battling pain and suffering. They also could go to an AA meeting or any other rehab clinic if their addiction makes it harder for them to be healed. The only thing you can do right now is to be supportive of them and not judge who they were/what they did; just love them as they are because they're trying to get better.

Astrology: Leo x2, Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries, Libra x2, Scorpio, Gemini x2, Aquarius, Taurus.

Detailed Astrology: Uranus in Water Sign, Influential Uranus/Venus, Venus in Aries, Jupiter in Libra, Mars/Sun in Gemini, Mars in Scorpio.

GROUP 5

Cards: Page of Pentacles Reversed, Knight of Pentacles, 9 of Cups Reversed, Justice Reversed, 6 of Pentacles Reversed, 5 of Pentacles Reversed, Marriage Reversed, Whale Spirit Reversed, Yesod Reversed, Bumble Bee Jasper, Hiding Your True Self Reversed, Rabbit, Alejandra Pizarnik Reversed, Ascending Sign in Fire Sign.

Whatever is happening, it's Saturn Retrograde's doing. Karma is activated and it's here to change things up a little bit. It's a very slow process but it's happening, you'll see the results over time. This energy is very difficult to read, it's all over the place, very tight and locked up, stiff even. It can bring some material difficulties but it's not going to be a big deal. I think finances/work area/health will be the most influenced here. For some of you, it's bad karma; for others of you, it just brings changes but nothing serious. Contracts/any type of commitment will be challenged or even broken. Past incidents/people will resurface, bringing back the issues that haven't been resolved. You're going to go through self-reflection and some alone time to make your mind up about things.

Astrology: Leo, Virgo x2, Sagittarius, Taurus x3, Libra, Pisces, Ascending Sign in a Fire Sign.

Detailed Astrology: Mercury/Moon in Taurus, Jupiter in Pisces, Ascending Sign in a Fire Sign, Influential Libra Placements.

GROUP 6

Cards: Page of Cups, Page of Cups Reversed, Empress, Page of Swords Reversed, 7 of Swords Reversed, Neptune, Uranus in Earth Sign, Fidelity Reversed, Keter, Peaceful Among Thorns, Butterfly Spirit, Mary Shelley, Bumble Bee Jasper Reversed.

Two messages are coming in. Also, we have a very strong message of Spirituality - it actually has a different meaning but when I think I got the gist of it, it changes. So this is universal for this group: forces beyond your control are working and you don't need to involve yourselves with magick/witchcraft here. It's almost like... don't do it. Patience is key.

1st: A lot is going on behind the curtains, it's hidden even from me. The gears are turning, something is in progress and it's very much happening in a quick motion. The truth will be revealed to you soon ( we have 3 pages) but before it can reach you, you will hear lots of stuff from other people that will not necessarily be true (mostly gossip or your own mind playing tricks on you). Two opposing forces are working here (one page of cups is reversed, the other is upright) as if fighting over you. There's a lot going on and I can't be any more specific since every situation varies from person to person. Whoever chooses this pile - this is a message of what's hidden will soon be revealed. The Neptune card really hides any details as if not to spoil the news for you. There's a transformation of sorts for sure - you will let go of some things to make place for new things that are coming. You just have to wait and trust.

2nd: This situation needs changing to be able to move forward (or, for some of you, it's already changing but needs more push). Secrets have to be revealed and communication has to be clear; both the parties have to be on the same page otherwise, it won't work. Whatever is happening, there is a miscommunication issues or you just want different things that don't compliment each other at all, they're almost opposed. There's a need to reach compromise but I don't think anyone knows that because there is so much confusing energy here it's so frustrating. Someone is not being honest for sure, making it harder for everyone involved. It's changing, that's for sure, it's just very messy and slow.

Astrology: Libra, Taurus, Aquarius, Leo, Virgo, Sagittarius.

Detailed Astrology: Uranus in an Earth Sign, Influential Neptune/Venus, Moon in Aquarius.

[marindram]

full transcription of Marin's blog from Omega Mart!

huge thanks to @b0chelly for recording a scroll-through, which i typed this out from. (and warning for Omega Mart lore/story spoilers. second half is in reblog)

Marinknows.best

Location: Seven Monolith Village

Last Login: 12/31/2019

Profile Views: 101,275

About me: I love listening to music and glitter

Friends (0)

June 26, 2018

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeee!

So 14 feels way different than 13. For real. I think it's because I was expecting 13 to feel different, but sometimes when you expect something it turns out the opposite ya know?

Plus, 13 is like, "I'm new to being a teenager!!"

14 is more like, "I'm becoming the person I want to be." At least that's how I want it to be. I wanted to start this blog as a record of all that.

I should ask Did you guys feel the same way when you turned 13 and 14?

But probably nobody's gonna read this because I'm just a weirdo in the weird dessert. I mean, I know my best friend Jesse is reading this (hi Jesse). Besides her, crickets.

But yeah, if you are reading this and you don't know me - I live in Seven Monolith Village, a teensy tiny town that you've only heard of if you're into aliens or homesteading. And I'm literally stuck. As in, I'm physically unable to leave. My first memories are of all the adults in my life (Charlie, my great-uncle/father-figure - Rose, my what? Roommate? Mother-figure? Pseudo-aunt? All of the above? and my mom, Cecelia. who doesn't live here) telling me that for some reason, there's something wrong with me that makes it so I can't leave a certain radius of where we live. I got older and thought that they were just exaggerating to keep me safe, but then last year I tried. And it was, let's just say not good.

Anyway. That part of my life sucks, but not everything sucks. This year is all about Marin Dram 2.0. Not new, but definitely improved.

And maybe someday, somehow somebody will read this and care about what I have to say. Somebodies, even. Until then, this is Marin Dram signing off and sending my lame contemplations into the void!

July 1, 2018

Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 20 (and some of these will never happen like are literally unable to happen but JUST LET ME DREAM

1. Kiss someone (who???)

2. Meet HTB (kiss him) (jk he would never) (plus meeting him would be enough)

3. Go to Paris

4. Go to Rome (or somewhere cooler in Italy, look up where is the best pasta???)

5. Go to Greenland (why not???)

6. Go to New York City

7. Go to LA (with a dream and my cardigan lol)

8. Go to the Grand Canyon (this isn't mine, but 9, Jesse is sitting right here and she went to the GC when we were 12 and she's like blah blah blah it's my favorite place in the world and you'll love it. I'm doing this so she'll shut up.

9. Live in a normal house with normal rooms → ideally 12 of them: living room AND TV room, kitchen, dining room, 3 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, study/library.

-plus an upstairs downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I got my own

-plus an upstairs/downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I get my own room with an actual door. Very into doors.

10. Go to a mall (Jesse says there's a bunch of bonkers ones in Vegas)

11. Make friends who aren't Jesse (no offense, Jesse)

12. Get Cecelia (my "mom") to teach me about business stuff so I can open my own cool coffeeshop/bookstore someday

13. Learn to drive (ask Charlie to teach me, he's obsessed with his truck) (Jesse says she can teach me because she's Little Miss Mechanic and thinks she knows everything about cars but news flash Jesse: you're you get than me)

14. Figure out my signature style- like I want people to send me pictures of things and be like "this just screamed Marin" and for that to be true

15. Liquid eyeliner??

16. I'm stopping here because I just read over all this and want to die/cry because easily 3/4 of these are literally impossible?

17. Kill me

18. Bye

19. Lololol Charlie just came in and I was complaining about this, not being able to leave and stuff, etc and he said that I should visit new places by... reading books?? And I mean I like to read. But dude. That's the dumbest thing I've ever head.

July 30, 2018

Okay so this is what I want my life to look like:

I want a pink room. Not just pink... P I N K. Cool pink wallpaper (floral? jacquard??), pink carpet, lots of pink flowers everywhere, a four-poster bed with a pink silk canopy, lots of cool pink throw pillows. Like, so pink that

people think I'm being sarcastic! Oh, and BOOKS. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases, and some of the shelves have, like, STUFF on them that isn't books, like gifts people gave me, or things I've collected on my JOURNEYS. You know, normal stuff that people who live on normal places and do normal things have.

If I lived in in this room, it'd be in awhite three-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac (did you know "culs-de-sac" is the plural? Not "cul-de-sacs"? crazy) and I'd wear very classic girly clothes and my hair would always do what I wanted it to. It'd be one of those towns that people call small, but it's actually a city. just one with a kinda small, cozy feeling. Somewhere that gets cold enough to wear cute jackets but not so cold I have to to like, shovel my driveway. Not a non-place with like 100 people where you can't even go outside without going crazy.

August 2nd, 2018

I guess I should explain where I live, for all my avid fans out there! (lol) (hello??)

So like... I don't live on Earth. At least, not the Earth you think of when you think of EARTH. I live in some some weird off-brand version of Earth called the Forked Earth where there are aliens and magic wells of magic energy and everything is MAGIC but like the crappy kind of magic, where the sun never fully rises and some goo called "runoff" has made everything wacky and oh yeah, my mom is responsible for that and everyone here hates her!! LOL

Also, I can't leave! Like, literally can't! Rose says I'm a "special child of Source" and that's why but that LITERALLY explains tells me nothing, in fact it just raises further questions that no one can seem to answer! AHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, the last time I tried to leave I felt. When I try to leave I feel like I'm being pulled back by something, like you know those old cartoons where someone's on stage doing something dumb and then someone offstage pulls them away with a giant shepard's crook? It felt like that, and when I opened my eyes I was back in 7 Monolith Village. UGH.

I know this sounds crazy!!!!! But believe me when I say that I am the least crazy person here. Also, """here""" is C R A Z Y. Runoff has made everything the bad kind of psychedelic and then people here actually DRINK IT! Not only do I not DRINK THE STUFF THAT HAS MADE THE WORLD INSANE, I also do not talk to aliens (or whatever Nula are) like Rose or believe crazy conspiracy theories like Charlie, so I believe that qualifies me as the most normal person in the Forked Earth, thank you for this honor, I accept this award with humility and grace!

September 4, 2018

I had the weirdest dream last night?? I was swimming in a pool full of cereal, and when I came up for air, my mom was pouring milk on my head like she was rinsing my hair. She had her hand over my face like I was a little kid and she was shielding me from soap getting in my eyes.

Anyway I have no idea what it's supposed to mean. I went to bed hungry and I need to take a shower? Lol

October 16, 2018

I was trying to hide this entry from Jesse, but JESSE IS A NOSY PERSON. She says that blogs are for readers, and if I wanted something to be private then I should "Just write in a fucking notebook and hide it under your bed like a normal person, Marin." I'm allowed to have secrets!! Anyway, I'm making her a freaking playlist, that's why I wouldn't tell her what I was writing about. but EVEN STILL! I'm allowed to have secrets!! But I have this blog because I wanna get my feelings out, I wanna see everything in my head typed out all nice in a way that doesn't make it look insane. You know? I don't know who I'm asking.) Because, it's not like I go to a normal school or have a normal life where I'm surrounded by normal people I can talk to. No one knows about me! I'm trapped in this crazy place and This blog is my only outlet to the world outside. I KNOW that's heavy but it's true! The point is: Jesse's birthday is coming up. The central consistent thing in pretty much my whole life is sharing headphones with her and listening to music. The soundtrack to my entire existence is her. I wish I had money and could buy her the best presents of all time, but I can make her the best playlist of all time. I want it to be so good it feels like magic. I want her to think I'm magic. I had another dream the other night. I don't remember much, just glitter. I must be crafting too much. Or looking at festival makeup tutorials. Or both.

November 12, 2018

WARNING- Weird thoughts ahead, lol.

I can never tell which feelings are normal, and which are me being a giant weirdo. But for as long as I can remember, I've had this feeling like every part of my body that's possible to have a ribbon tied around it, has a ribbon tied around it. It's so weird. I can't see the other end of the ribbons - how far they go. where they're attached, nothing. And sometimes it's fine, because sometimes I can hardly feel them. I can forget about them for days at a time, weeks, months if I'm lucky. But then other times I can feel them like, pulling at me. It's freaking spooky, to have something pulling at you from somewhere you can't see. I can't tell if it's pulling me toward whatever it is? Or if it's trying to warn me? Or if I'm just insane??

Does that make sense? Does anybody else feel that way? (she asks into the void)

So idk I guess this ribbons-feeling is why I'm really careful all the time. Like I'm just a careful person. Charlie tried to give me a hard time about it, and I can't be like "I don't wanna pull back in the ribbons too hard without realizing it and wreck something!" because he'd be like "WTF Marin, do we need to get you help?" But also, more and more, I want to be the opposite of careful. I want to take a pair of comically oversized scissors and cut the ribbons into so many pieces that nobody can even tell what they are any more.

I don't know why I'm such a freak, only that I am. I don't know why I can't leave 7 Monolith, only that I can't. But there must be a reason, even if I can't see it, and I feel like it makes sense that the ribbons-feeling is part of that reason, right?

There's just a lot.

January 15, 2019

Happy new year! Lol I forgot to write on the actual first day of 2019, but OH WELL!

I got this new glitter nail polish, thanks to the monthly makeup subscription box my "mom" sends me as an outlet for her abandonment guilt. It has like, every color glitter imaginable without quite reading as "rainbow" which is fine just not really what I was in the mood for and it's vaguely halographic and shifts into all these different colors depending on the light. I'm obsessed. Anyway.

I was putting on another layer because I chipped it like 20 minutes into wearing it, and all of a sudden I had this feeling like I recognized the glitter? Like I felt this thing way deep in my gut and for a minute I couldn't breathe. It's the closest thing I've felt to how books and movies make Christmas look. Like I was home, with family, cookies and cider and all that stuff. Familiar and safe. I almost didn't recognize that feeling. And it came from the nail polish. How weird is that.

I mean, I don't want to make it sound like I've had this awful Charles Dickens childhood - Rose and Charlie are the best ever and always there for me and I love them a lot. But things never feel like...home. You know?

My mom always says this cryptic stuff about how I'm "special" and I wanna strangle her because I'm not, but you try getting my mom to stop doing anything she wants to do. Rose told me once that one day, I would "lead the charge into a new era of existence and access" because I'm "of the Source" and I was like uhhhh okay?? Charlie mostly treats me pretty normal, except when I ask him questions about our family. my mom or any Dram. He knows that I want to know more about them and he's my only real entrypoint, but apparently he's like the black sheep of that whole family. He and my mom were close way back right before I was born, but now whenever she comes to visit he barely even looks at her.

So that's to say: nobody tells me anything, ever.

January 16, 2019

Okay this is so weird. I wrote that entry yesterday about glitter and then last night I dreamed about glitter. Then I woke up with purple glitter in my bed?? Like not a lot, so at first I thought it was from my nail polish, but it was just a handful of purely purple glitter that looks nothing like my nail polish. SO WEIRD!!!!!!

February 14, 2019

Rose has an old book full of "ye olde" style fairy tales, and I flipped through it for the first time in forever today.

Not so weirdly, I've always been drawn to the story of Rapunzel.

Rapunzel couldn't leave the tower, or else she'd break her neck and die.

Same.

February 19, 2019

I was reading this article the other day in one of the teen magazines my "mom" gets me a subscription to and it was all about body positivity, which is great, but it was basically just like "wear a crop top if you wannna wear a crop top! it doesn't matter what size you are! You go, girl!" And like, sure. Yes. I am all for that. But doesn't it seem like there are some steps missing in there? Like, I can physically put on a crop top and wear it outside. But how do I convince myself that everybody isn't looking at me and making fun of me in their minds? How do I unlearn the last almost-fifteen years? How do I get actually positive about my body, not just put on a crop top and fight the urge to cry all day?

It's the same thing like when my mom sends me brochures from the CEO camp she ten when she was my age (her dad started the camp for her, which is an insane thing just by itself, but she did all the work, which is even more insane) and she's like "Marin, you lack direction for your life" and I'm like, cool mom. Yeah. I can see that. What I can't see is how to get there from here.

March 2, 2019

This is what I want my life to look like, volume 2:

The walls of my room are covered in Polaroids of me and my friends. There are lots of mirrors in all kinds of shapes. hearts and moons and stars. There's a record player and a lot of vintage records by Billie Holiday and Lena Horne and Peggy Lee and Nina Simone. And Christmas lights! Everywhere! Lots of of pink and purple Christmas lights everywhere.

If I lived in this room, I'd have so many friends and be part of so many clubs. My best friend would have a collection of vintage cameras, and every place we go to that has a photo booth, we'd get photos taken. Every time I'd look at myself in one of those mirrors, I'd feel happy at what I see and never weird or sad. (Jesse hates taking pictures, so even when I actually do normal stuff with her there's no evidence. What even is a life supposed to be without evidence? That's not an actual question you need to answer Jesse, it's just a question)

Anyway, if I lived in this kind of room, my mom would probably be like, an art history professor at a liberal arts college. That's how come everything looks so cool, because I would know stuff about art. My mom and I would love to try new recipes together. We get each other new cookbooks for every special occasion, and right now we're working out way through a Moroccan one. Moroccan Mondays.

In actuality, there's a dust storm happening outside and my eyes sting.

March 9, 2019

Here's what I'm obsessed with lately.

Can. You. EVEN???

February 3, 2020

Omg I totally forgot this blog existed!!

I lost the password and instead of just resetting it I got in one of my super stubborn moods (Taurus moon lol) and just kept putting in guesses and jokes on me, it locked me out. Anyway, that's a boring story.

But my friend Ximena is really good at hacking and stuff, so she got me back in. Yeah you read that right - I have friends. Obviously a lot has happened since my last post. Ximena moved out here a couple months ago (X's family used to live here but they moved away a while ago) and she introduced me to Lora who I sorta-not-really already knew, and Jesse and I have been hanging out with them a ton. Jesse kind of more than me. Which is fine!!

Anyway I'm 15 now? If I lived somewhere normal I'd be psyched about almost being 16, because I'd get a car and have a Sweet Sixteen and eat a huge PINK cake, but I don't!

February 16, 2020

I read this fanfic the other night that was written in the second person so everything was like "you." "you're doing this" etc you know?

So... You go to a drive-in movie with Heartthrob Boy, and he spills soda on you by accident. And you take off your shirt ( you have a tank top on, don't worry) to clean it up, bit you're still all sticky and self-conscious about being sticky and HTB like... used his tongue to get it off??? AAHHHHH I'M DISGUSTING

but also I wonder if a boy will ever touch any part of me with his tongue

March 2, 2020

Hi I don't know if you heard but I have friends :)))

March 15, 2020

I think I'm so into painting my nails and doing my hair because those are things that always fit. I don't have to worry about places not carrying about a size 8, or places that carry XLs but when you read the measurements they're actually size 8s too and it's like jesus if that's an XL what am I

My "mom" was confused why I needed new pants because mine still look new, but I showed her the thigh holes and she was like "that's a weird place for a hole, how did that happen" and I realized that when your legs are a certain size, you just don't know about thigh rub and what it does to clothes. Pants could just last for years.

No matter what, I can paint my nails with a different color nail polish on every finger, and I can always do a braid crown. And I know I'm cute as hell, etc, so this is not a Marin Needs to Learn to Love Herself thing. It's just an UGH thing

April 17, 2020

So Rose does all these Source experiments on plants and flowers and stuff. Tbh, it's just one if those things I hardly even register anymore because it's just always there. She's explained to me a million times what Source is/does/means, but the way Rose explains things sometimes is just a LOT to take in and she refers to me as a "child of Source" but I kinda figure that's like "child of God" right? What else would that mean?

But anyway, it's really annoying because dried flowers are a part of my new aesthetic and I pinned a bunch of them up on my wall but I woke up this morning to a freaking jungle of very alive flowers. I freaked out. on Rose, and she Rose said she didn't do it and I was like WELL THEN WHO DID and she said that I did??

Which like. Obviously that doesn't make sense. I asked her what she meant and She just shook her head and said " It's happening. We should have known" which is some horror movie shit that she refused to elaborate on. I love to feel safe and normal!!

Or maybe it's not a horror movie at all. But maybe it's a superhero movie? Maybe there's some kind of origin story I don't know about yet, and all of this will be worth it once I figure out my powers. I wonder what my costume will look like. Lol.

April 23, 2020

Is it possible to die from longing? I know that sounds melodramatic, but I'm also kinda serious?? Because it seems like one of those things that could fester and get infected and kill you. It's like when you fall down and bang up your knee, and you need to put a band-aid on the scrape for a while, but THEN you need to air it out - but how do you know when you're supposed to do each one of those things? And if you do either one too much, your knee gets infected. What if I smother my heart with band-aids for too long and it gets infected? This isn't about anybody. I just keep having these dreams about someone I never expected to have dreams about and they're so intense that they keep leaking into my life and I wonder if I need to do something about them.

May 2, 2020

So Jesse's gotten really into metal music, and I tried to get her to play me something since, AS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED, that's what we've literally ALWAYS DONE with music and each other, and she kinda looked at Ximena out of the corner of her eye and said like "I don't think it's really your thing" And it was the meanest thing anybody's ever said to me.

So later I looked up Zenion, the band she was talking about, and I listened to every single fucking song they've ever recorded turned up as loud as it could go with my own headphones that are better than hers anyway, and I loved it. And I didn't love it just because she said I wouldn't. I loved it because it was loud and weird and wild and when I listened to it it made me feel like it's not crazy when so feel stuff so hard it's like my heart's gonna vibrate out of my body. And I would have told Jesse all this and we could have shared it, but I guess she thinks just because I like HTB and glitter and stuff, I don't have the capacity for anything else.

She clearly doesn't know me at all. So much for any kind of whatever, why would she ever want to kiss someone she clearly sees as like a stupid baby.

May 7, 2020

The dreams are getting weirder and they're happening more. I'm getting scared to go to sleep. Not that the dreams are always scary (they almost never are, or not scary like in a typically scary horror movie way). I mean, I've only ever been me. I don't know what other peoples' dreams are like.

The other night in one I was jumping on a trampoline, which is something I've never done in real life. I told Rose about it when I woke up, and she said "do you even know how to jump on a trampoline?" and I said "Rose, it's not like riding a bike. You don't have to learn. You just jump." and then we got into this whole thing about how some things we just know, and jumping's one of them, and how that's so weird. Sometimes I really like talking to Rose about stuff.

May 19, 2020

So, it's prom season in the real world. If I lived somewhere normal, my prom dress would be pink with lots of tulle and silk flowers at the shoulders, and it would fit perfectly and trying in dresses would be fun and not anxiety-inducing.

But since there are only like 10 teenagers currently in 7MV, were not having a homecoming. Cool.

May 27, 2020

So, mom came to visit this weekend, and I asked her about her prom. She was Typical Cecelia at first, very "Prom is a waste of time and money, Marin. It's a night when lesser people play dress-up to engage with their aspirations of grandeur." And I was like eyeroll forever and just stopped talking. BUT THEN she actually talked to me like a human being. She was like, "I actually didn't go to my prom" and when I asked her why she said that she didn't have a date, and was very self-conscious about it. I almost passed out at her admitting that she's ever been anything less than perfect.

(gonna continue this in reblog)