#i'm done explaining myself to randos lmfao

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I always feel conflicted in December because it's a reminder of two birthdays for two dead people. A birthday for one that's alive. A holiday season I don't really celebrate anymore.

And an engagement anniversary.

Kai would have been 10. You'd have been 32. E 32. And we'd be four years into a marriage.

And that's kind of terrifying, but also sad.

I get really passive-aggressive/outright aggressive with E specifically but a lot of shit just doesn't sit well with me anymore.

This whole dangling in my face about boundaries today was stupid as fuck. He acts like me verbalizing what was already implied years ago is so criminal when really I believe it's just coming from a petty POV.

Or maybe I take offense to him calling Z a rando. Or him implying that anyone I spend time with is a rando.

Should I even be getting worked up about it?

I mulled it over and even went shopping before I decided to rip into him because I had to sort through where the feelings were coming from.

And then I realized it was more my upset at him voicing his opinion at all. Lmfao.

We're so fucked.

I guess, for starters, it pisses me off what he thinks. Which is already a bad indicator. It pisses me off because he has no right to voice jack shit when he is no one I rely on for anything. And that is the truth. I can't even talk to him about my thoughts/feelings. I don't believe I get sufficient feedback to bother explaining things of real depth to him, and when I do test the waters, I get some selfish response that isn't helpful in the slightest.

It pissed me off that he's making it seem like the time I choose to spend with someone is bad. When news flash, I'm free to do with my time what I please and spend it with whom I please. I don't have to check in with him and discuss anything. He certainly doesn't check in with me about anything until things are done, and at that point, it's more of an announcement. He has his family for that too and as much as it hurt me at first I realized I'm not exactly part of it anymore. He has someone who should be checking in with him and vice versa, and that certainly isn't me. I don't know why he gets mad when I state this too because you can't have your cake slices and eat them too. I'm not the one who chose to procreate and involve myself with someone. And this isn't even a bad thing, so I don't know why he gets so uppity about it. He chose to be with someone, I certainly don't fault him or care.

And if I ever do decide to do that it certainly isn't his fucking business. As far as I'm concerned, I am not his concern nor anything else, really. And this whole overstepping is ridiculous, in my opinion. It's not credible to judge my actions and decisions when he himself is so willing to ruin his current setup over something that was denied to him like a child.

I can't stand that shit, grow the fuck up. You have real responsibilities now. If you didn't want them then you shouldn't have bound yourself to someone through a kid.

I like spending time with Z. We get along. We have fun and share the same sense of humor. I like the way he treats me and the gestures he does simply because he knows I like them. I love that's so willing to join me just to spend time with me even if it's doing dumb shit and he has to drive over an hr to see me.

I like that he takes the time and pays attention. I like him. He's funny, smart, kind, and attentive. I don't have to play guessing games, and we have great communication.

He's not you, not by a long shot, but he's alright. He's helped me a lot and he holds me accountable. He says what he means and he does what he says.

And I can respect that.

Whenever I think about dating he usually comes to mind. And I know we're both getting older so he's been very honest and upfront about his opinions and expectations.

So when I hear comments referring to him as a "rando" it sets me off because he's not. I obviously haven't known him for a million years, but honestly, idgaf. The reality of it is that I won't know anyone again for millions of years worth. Any new person in my life is simply that. New. They're not coming from a childhood background. They're not coming from an established and long-winded past. And I don't see that as a hindrance anyway because the men I do know from my earlier years are unavailable and/or out of the question. There's no sense looking back at this point, especially and most importantly, because you're not here.

There used to be a time where I would have cared if E and M were on board but honestly they're both off doing their own lives so I don't see why I would seek their approval for anything or anyone.

And if E wants to stop talking to me because I'm out here dating or testing waters, then so be it. That's my business, and I wish I had a dick for him to choke on because it's so hypocritical on so many levels. Beginning with the fact that 1. He's not here, 2. I learned the hard way I can't depend on him and 3. He's already got his own shit.

And if anyone is a detriment here, it's you.

You're what stops me from progressing further every time. I feel so bad. And the most stupid thing is that even in life you'd never been a source of discouragement. Not once, not ever. Not for anything in the world. You'd always supported me even if you didn't like it or agreed.

So I can't accept anything less than that, especially when it's disguised under the idea of love when really it's just petty, selfish jealousy.

All this to say that I figured this year for your birthday I'd decorate and maybe get a cake.

I'm working on being happy as much as I can, as best as I can.

I love you.

I love you forever.

And there still isn't a day I don't miss you and baby.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #132

Who is your favorite sibling? I'm not picking a favorite.

Do you have neat handwriting? Yeah, people regularly say it's almost too fancy to read lmao. Once you're used to how I write my letters though I think it's perfectly decipherable.

Have you ever tried seaweed? Yes, I thought it was disgusting.

Would you rather grow wings or a tail? WINGS

Have you ever been to a gynecologist? I went to my very first one over a month ago, maybe close to two; I'd been able to avoid them this long because of being a virgin but by 27 years old, it was understandably being pushed on me for my own protection; not everything that happens down there is related to intimacy and I was being very unsafe by refusing to go for this long. It was an extremely upsetting and difficult experience that took a long time to do because I just wouldn't cooperate and calm down but we eventually got it done. I'm very, very thankful for how patient and understanding the doctor and her assistant were, and obviously my mom being so supportive and present too.

Do you get on Facebook every day? Generally, yes.

What is your Instagram screenname? I have three lmao (brittsburrow, brittanymphotography, eldritch_obscura), all for different purposes.

Would you ever consider naming a child after a family member? No. They're having their own, unique identity.

Do you know anyone who has the virus? Not currently, I think.

What do you remember from sex ed class when you were younger? That apparently you were either abstinent or stupid. No in-betweens.

Are caterpillars more cute or disgusting? Cute!!!!

Did you reject or accept your last friend request? No, some rando I didn't know or even have mutuals with.

Have you ever made out with someone you weren’t dating? No.

What was the last thing you threw away? A food wrapper.

When you were born was the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck? Not that I know of, and I'd definitely assume no because of how my mom explains mine and my two immediate sisters' births: Ashley was born with a very red face, I was normal (white as a newborn baby is gonna be), and Nicole was blue (she wasn't breathing/at risk of dying), so she sometimes calls us the American Girls lmfao.

Do you have a guilty conscience? YES

Would you enter a burning building to save a kitten? I think in the heat (lul) of the moment, unless it was a very clear, indisputable case of "you're going to die walking directly into fire," I feel like I would.

Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John? If you're asking which section of the Bible I prefer, none. What name do I like best, Luke.

Do you like avocados? Ugh no, I do NOT get the appeal whatsoever.

What’s the worst name you’ve ever been called? A weak-willed deadweight. Or martyr (and not in the "I'd die for my beliefs" sense). The first one hurt more though, because I get insecure over myself in the way of seeing myself as weak and burdensome.

What are some pieces of furniture that you must have in your dream house? Uhhh I haven't thought much about this. Obviously a comfortable bed large enough for me and my partner, a decent couch (that is NOT leather, that I do have a strong opinion on, lol), and I'd actually really really like a cozy hanging swing chair for reading and stuff. Certainly an entertainment center of some sort for a television and gaming consoles.

If you smoke weed, what do you usually do after you get high? If you don’t, what would you do if everyone around you were smoking? I don't, and I've been in the second situation before lol, I just chatted with 'em and watched TV.

Have you ever studied human anatomy? No. I mean, besides lightly in very basic science courses that cover like our different bodily systems.

Do you plan to do much or go anywhere tomorrow? Um nothing that I know of. I'd like to see Girt though, maybe I will.

Would you have more Word documents or images saved on your computer? Images, by a long shot.

What's your favourite non-dairy milk? I only enjoy dairy milk. Trust me, I've tried not to.

Which sibling are you closest to, both physically (distance) and emotionally? Physically, uhhhh... I'm preeeetty sure Ashley's place is closer? Emotionally, none, honestly. I WISH I was closer with them.

What would you do if your partner cheated on you? I'm gone, immediately.

What’s the furthest you’ve gone with the opposite gender? I guess it'd be oral.

Have you ever taken part in an orgy or bondage party? Noooooo I have no interest in doing intimate stuff with more than just my partner present.

Does pain turn you on? More than what I'm rather positive is considered normal but not to an extreme level, I absolutely have boundaries.

What time of day you were born? Like, 11:30 AM.

Have you ever had sex at school before? You couldn't have paid me to do that.

What piercings do you want? A good chunk more in my ears, right nostril for the third time lmao, I'm DYING to get a pair of collarbone dermals if my collarbones are ever prominent again (or with this new tattoo I'm actually considering the possibility of just getting one in the middle of the arch of the moon that's in it), and I've also thought about MAYBE back dimple dermals if my body/weight gets to a point that I'm happy with. There are more facial piercings that I'd like, but me ever not having glasses again isn't realistic and I don't think they'd look good with glasses.

How many people have you kissed? Four.

Describe your dream home. Not sure about the building material (I love wooden houses but there are more sustainable options), but I know with absolute fucking certainty it's GOT to be out in nature, very preferably the woods, with only few neighbors. A nature-friendly yard is absolutely mandatory; fuck that bland-ass green carpet shit, we're having plenty of flowers (even those that are considered weeds), a birdfeeder, hopefully a bat house, and a bird bath would be AMAZING. I'd really like a flower garden too, but that REALLY depends on if I develop the dedication for it and tolerance to being outside in the heat and stuff. As far as interior stuff goes and besides the very obvious essentials, I'd like a room to dedicate to my hopeful collection of reptiles and inverts, as well as one for gaming and computer stuff... more so for Girt at this point, haha, but I'd love it too. A room dedicated to productivity (drawing, doing yoga, writing poems, etc.) would be really beneficial for me, and it's one where I'd like big windows to let tons of light in.

Do you watch porn? No, very much not my thing.

Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced? Most likely not.

How would you spend a million dollars? House and car for Mom, then buy a house for Girt and me.

Describe your best friend. Funny as hell and loyal as a dog. He leaves nobody he cares about behind, ever, and despite he himself actually thinking he's generally selfish, he's SO far from it. When he cares, he cares incredibly deeply, and he's the most hard-headed human being I've ever met, sometimes to his detriment. He's an extremely hard worker, but on the downside, puts an absurd amount of pressure on himself and is convinced he's never enough in any sort of way. He's very much a provider in personality, like he's straight-up said he LIKES knowing that he's taking weight off people and that it gives him a sense of purpose. He's an introvert and a major homebody that likes sticking to himself, but he's perfectly friendly when he does interact with others, unless you give him reason not to be. He's VERY much more logical than emotional, like it's not even close, but he's absolutely not heartless and especially as his s/o I certainly see he has feelings. He is honest to god just such a fucking fantastic person and I consider myself remarkably lucky to know this one guy out of eight billion people.

Do you still have feelings for any of your exes? No romantic feelings, no. I do care that Jason stays okay (even though I don't have a way of truly knowing this) and I want him to do great in the world, but I don't have surviving romantic feelings for him anymore.

If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick? I don't personally know a single celebrity, so none of them.

What’s your favorite kind of weather? Snowy! Not like a blizzard, but just a gentle, quiet snowfall.

What in your opinion is the best love song ever written? Maaaan idk there's so many lol, I have a long-time adoration of "When It's Love" by Van Halen, but I also think "If It's Love" by Train is insanely adorable.

Was your mother married when she had you? No, apparently.

Who was the last person(s) you took a photo with? Uh, I'm actually not sure, I feel like it was my sisters on my birthday...

Do you like cheeseburgers? They're actually one of my favorite foods and I really wish they weren't lmao

Are you mad at your best friend right now? No, got no reason to be. On the contrary I've been clingier than normal the past few days, I've noticed.

Do you have a Flickr? Yeah. Not a big photography platform focus for me, but it's there.

Anything exciting happening in the month of September? Yeah, that'll be mine and Girt's second anniversary.

Where was your FB display pic taken? This desk chair.

Your ex calls wanting to hang out. What do you say? I don't know how the hell he'd have my number, but in the total hypothetical, the answer's no. I'd ask him why he's asking, and I mean... I guess maybe I'd be fine meeting up in a public location with Girt present if he in some foreign universe wanted to like, make amends/try to dispel any remaining bad energy, but I'd prefer that not happen. I'm not willing to "hang out" on a more personal level, that I know for sure.

Would you get back with your last ex if they asked you? HELL FUCKING NO

Are any of your friends virgins? Extremely unlikely.