#i'm definitely convinced and have been for years that they stem from something else

[straycalamities]

back to self-analyzing what the fucks going on in my brainium

[kafkaoftherubble]

好想写点解析、论文之类。因为俺的心情真的挺低迷。

Because writing rambles and essays makes me forget my "self."

When I write, all I see are facts, knowledge, ideas, thoughts, theories, hypotheses, what-ifs, speculations, conjectures—little seeds of intellect. I'd collected them at other times, and now I pour them all over this big, wide empty plot and begin to connect them and have them grow into a meadow.

There is no "me" in this activity.

I'm there, in the meadow, in the essay, but I'm in the connectors and the arrangement of the arguments. I'm the connective tissue in the ramble. I'm not an entity of my own. I'm not a subject or an object in the text. Neither do I exist as something outside and above the text. I'm simply one of an essay's many, many elements. If an essay is a meadow, then I'm not the earth where it grows from, nor the flowers that bloom, nor the stems that support the buds, nor the leaves that keep them alive, nor the colors of their petals, nor the shapes and sizes of their blossom. I'm the spaces between the flowers and tall grasses, right down to the spaces between their roots in the earth. I'm the arrangement. Nobody needs to know or notice me to understand my writing, because when I write such essays I don't think, "Well, is there enough of me in it?"

When I'm writing them, I don't feel inferior or superior or low in self-esteem or conceited-as-fuck or thinking it fucking sucks or thinking this is gonna revolutionize humanity. I don't feel anything but some quiet, neither-here-nor-there bliss. All that stuff comes after it is done.

Writing academic essays and rambles is an egoless exercise. I don't need to react; I just need to respond to the seeds for the purpose of connecting them. Even if I bring in an experience or thought process or quality or flair or voice to my writing that stems from my person, it's still egoless because it's for the effort of granting that essay a perspective and attitude... instead of trying to earnestly convince others about how interesting a "self" I am and why they should definitely stay.

Besides, my intelligence doesn't amount to much, but... When I write essays, I engage with my intelligence and that makes me feel like I'm a vehicle of something genuinely amazing. I'm sure if someone else possessed my intelligence, they would have output far greater things than I ever could. But even being able to channel a limited output is enrapturing to me right now.

When I write stuff like that, my "self" doesn't matter. And so I don't become fixated on whatever downer mood the self is experiencing. If the self is a mirror, then all these moods are the dust and hair and sebum or whatever caking it. But if I never had a mirror, where could all this dust and stuff even possibly be gathered in the first place?

I do still own a mirror though. We did. Each of us had been trying to make it smaller and smaller throughout the years, but it's still there. My mirror still gets caked in shits, and my "self" feels so forlorn. But writing these sorts of essays makes the mirror nonexistent for a moment. And then it reappears again after I finish—when I quiveringly show it to the world and sit and wait and desire some sort of engagement and response.

Anyway, I can't write nothing. I haven't finished the last bit of my quota and I'm behind schedule. That's what happens when you got sick, but your job is with a client that demands quite a lot of chapters from you.

[sorryimanon]

Character: Katsuki Bakugou

Warnings/tags: heart warming fluff, language, and suggestive themes

Word count: 2.5k

In which your boyfriend takes it upon himself to pamper you on his day off.

Author’s note: some self indulgent fluff. this is a continuation of dad!bakugou and torch daughter. there will be more. enjoy :)

D/N= daughters name

-

Katsuki heavily relied on you to babysit your rambunctious four year old daughter during the days when he'd be on patrol from dusk till dawn. Very rarely would he be home before the two of you tucked yourselves in for the night, leaving him to eat the leftovers from dinner alone at the table. As sad as it is, it didn't bother you in the slightest. In fact, knowing Katsuki was keeping the crime rate of Japan low, you were more than happy to become a stay at home mom. Most of your friends tried to talk you out of it, but you were already settled after giving your two weeks notice at your low paying job. Waking up and seeing your daughter first thing in the morning is better than staring blankly at a bright screen all day behind a musty wall, running on nothing but decaf coffee, and sluggishly going to and fro like a zombie.

Ever since your daughter manifested her quirk, you’ve been trying your best to maintain her sudden outbursts while at home. The doctor prescribed it as Torch: the ability to become a human torch and ignite flames throughout your body and fingertips. For now d/n is only capable of setting herself on fire, using the flames as a barrier to protect her from any harm instead of combating. However, sometimes she'll forget to extinguish herself, having you to manually use an actual fire extinguisher on her. Burn marks would litter the outskirts of your shirts, the aftermath ash smudged on your face, and the tiny hairs on your forearms long gone after handling d/n.

Your boyfriend appreciates the way how you compose yourself around d/n, not allowing the temptation to fling the little gremlin out the window prevail, because if the roles were reversed it'd be a whole different story. Sometimes he sits back in his desk chair, after a long night of meandering around the city, and tries to remember the last time you were properly treated. Of course, Katsuki never fails to remind you day and night he loves you through his actions, some including selfish indulgence late at nights, but all in all he didn't lack being the hopeless romantic counterpart for you. He wanted you to take a break from it all, have him handle the at home duties and the slimy daughter. Leaning back against the chair with his brows furrowed slightly, he began to mentally plan out your day already.

It was a Friday when Katsuki forced himself out of the comfortable security that is your arms and walked with light feet to his daughters bedroom. Today is his day off, so he has to make sure everything goes smoothly or else he's going to have more burn marks on his office desk.

He didn't bother knocking first and saunters in the familiar space, the faint snores from d/n somehow relaxing him. Her walls were freshly painted a light shade of blue, the contrast not too saturated to peel the attention away from her posters that covered every inch of her room, all of which were pictures of his prohero colleagues. D/N had to beg for her father to purchase a Deku poster, one of which she saw don display when the both of you brought her to the mall for a quick trip. He internally cringes every time he makes eye contact with the lifeless eyes of Deku when he enters her room.

Katsuki neared his daughter and kneeled down to where his head was leveled with hers, chuckling lightly when finding a small pool of drool collecting on her cheek.

"Wake up little shit," he whispers, nudging her uncovered shoulder with his knuckles, startling her eyes to flutter open. D/n nearly gasped at the sight of her father. The covers that were wrapped snuggly around her fell at the foot of her bed when she jolted up in surprise, eyes brimming with excitement.

"It's today right? Mommy's day!" Katsuki covered her mouth with his abnormally large hand, not wanting her obnoxious voice to blow their cover.

"Yes, but you're gonna have to be quiet for daddy. Don't want to spoil the surprise for mommy, you understand ya little brat?"

Hand still attached to her mouth, d/n nodded her head feverishly, hands clenched into tiny fits. Once he thinks she's shimmered down a little, he finally removes his hand and motions her to follow him.

Meanwhile in the other room, you were still fast asleep, limbs not once switching from their position over the cozy blanket. The chill breeze from the propped window regulated your body temperature nicely, along with the beautiful songs sung by the birds that reside in the trees close by. You stirred awake momentarily, feeling the loss of a presence that's usually laying beside you during these times of slumber. Katsuki's side was empty, the indent from his body molded onto the foam mattress, leaving you to believe he woke up not that long ago.

After convincing yourself to leave the comfort of your bed, you decided to search for the missing blonde. You crack open the door to a weird combination of radio music blaring throughout the house, and the delicious smell of something cooking in grease. It's no doubt your boyfriends doing. He always likes to impress you with how skillful he is in the kitchen. He hasn't made a dish you disliked yet nor will he allow himself to do so.

Standing side by side, minus the height difference, d/n and Katsuki both were too immersed in their cooking to notice you leaning against the island counter, trying very hard to not cry instantly at the sight in front of you. Watching them interact together was definitely something you'd be treasuring for the years to come.

A rush of savory and sweetness infiltrated your senses, the scent strong enough to knock you back to sleep. As if he read your mind overnight, Katsuki took it upon himself to prepare your favorite breakfast dishes. The dinner table made for three already set by none other than d/n, who currently looked proud at her work and craftsmanship. A large vase was propped in the center, a collection of vibrant flowers stuffed to the brim, the water inside almost overflowing. Attached to one of the stems of the flowers was a tag, the handwriting sloppy and hard to decipher.

To my dumbass, love ya - K.B

You felt the delicate touch of your daughter wrapping her hand around yours, giving it a slight tug before pulling you into the kitchen again. Katsuki flicked his gaze to you now, flashing the same mischievous grin you grew to love. his hands simultaneously worked on the food while taming the animal, that is indeed your daughter, from bumping into the pan handles.

"What's all this for?" You asked, the question directly appointed to both your boyfriend and daughter.

"Oh, so I can't treat my sexy girlfriend to a good meal?" he teased while setting the burners to low, letting the food cool off before plating it. Your daughter audibly gagged at the comment and swatted Katsuki's arm.

D/N's tiny legs were faster than yours and reached the cabinet where the plates and cutlery were stored at. To her dismay, the cabinet was higher than she anticipated. trying her best to waiver down the disappointment as she climbed on the sleek marble counter top, losing her footing here and there. Katsuki caught her in time before she misplaced her footing and almost toppled onto the floor.

"May I need to remind you not to climb on the damn counter tops anymore d/n?" he scolded as he put her down before grabbing enough plates for everyone.

Pursing her lips tightly, she crossed her arms and said, "But if I'm going to be a future hero then I have to battle my way through tough obstacles!"

U.A's immense training and work studies came in handy when dealing with d/n's hard headed ideologies. It's been a stressful reoccurrence, having to constantly teach her the importance of being a hero at such a young age. Her impulsive tendencies mirrored the blondes old habit of taking action before thinking. But there was always a saying when storing away your fear and facing danger head on.

"That's true, but sometimes a little teamwork wouldn't hurt. Your father should know a thing or two about that when he was a young U.A student," you said as you patted her head.

"What'd you say shitty woman? Talking crap so early in the morning already?" a strange popping sound alerted you to turn around, only to find Katsuki flaring his flashy quirk with a glare that could splice you open.

But his alarming gaze wasn't the thing that was scaring you at the moment.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT USING YOUR QUIRK IN THE HOUSE! YOU'RE GONNA SET OFF THE FIRE ALARM AGAIN, IDIOT!"

-

You thought the smorgasbord of a breakfast was the last of your boyfriends romantic gestures, but you should've known better once he demanded you to change out of your sleep attire and into something to  wear outside. Not thinking twice about where he was dragging you to, including daughter, you decided to play it safe. He approved on your choice of ripped jeans, synthetic tank top, and thrown on cardigan once heading off to the car.

The car ride to the mysterious destination was short lived as your boyfriend pulled up into the driveway of his old house. Mitsuki stood waiting by the threshold of the doorway, waving her fingers sweetly to whom you can only assume was you and not her only son. She stepped off the porch once Katsuki shifted the car in park, unlocking the doors as well. His mother reached the side where d/n stayed strapped in her seat and yanked the door open.

"Ah my little princess! How have you been? I missed you so much!" She unbuckled d/n's seat belt and flattened her in a tight hug, squeezing till her eyes popped out. "I can't wait to spend the weekend with you baby girl! Are you excited to have a little fun with grandma?!"

"Calm the fuck down, you're gonna kill her if you keep squeezing!" Katsuki's voice boomed out of the window.

"Oh pipe down you little shit I'm not harming her! Also don't talk to me like that! You're old enough to treat me with some respect by now!"

"SHUT UP YOU OLD HAG! JUST TAKE THE LITTLE GREMLIN AND GO!"

After the heated exchange, Katsuki eventually calmed down and drove the two of you back to the house in complete silence. It was quite a shift in a sense of environment wise. By now d/n would be begging you to make her some pudding or pour her a cup of lemonade, then place yourselves in front of the tv watching a random kids program till evening. Tonight you lend the torch to your boyfriend, allowing whatever devious plan he conjured up to unfold.

Before you could shuffle into your shared bedroom, Katsuki placed his calloused hands onto your cramped shoulders. Merely centimeters from your ear, he laid a chaste kiss on the area beneath it, smiling at your innocent reaction to his sudden actions and nuzzled into the crook of your neck. You smelt the familiar scent of caramel and men’s soap, both of which you undoubtably loved when combined.

“Suki?” Upon hearing his nickname, Katsuki quirked an eyebrow at you. “What’s with all the romantic gestures lately? Cooking my favorite breakfast, the flowers, and our daughter. Don’t get me wrong, I love her! It’s just nice not to worry about if she’ll set the curtains on fire again.”

You felt the vibrations of him chuckling behind you.

“Isn’t it obvious? I just want to fuck the shit out of you,” you sat paralyzed by his bluntness. his tuft hair tickled the underside of your chin, earning him an acute giggle from you. “I’m just kidding, pretty face. I figured you needed a weekend where you just relax and did nothing. Let me do all the work. That’s including getting rid of the brat.”

Shifting in his arms to where you can face him, you can now see the adoration oozing from usual heated glare of his vermillion eyes, the scowl long gone and replaced with a soften feature not so many from the outside can witness. To think this was the man you devoted yourself and love for, to allow him to bare witness anything and everything you endure. He’s a man of showing his compassion through his actions, not lousy words of affirmations that anyone could sputter out and proclaim its love. No, he reflects back everything right with the world, even when you felt the weight of it searing through your system, dragging it down with you. The same explosive blonde awaits patiently by the opening for you to enter, no matter how long it’ll take for you to accept his love. Because he’ll be there. Waiting.

And here he is waiting. In your arms to repeat those three words you made out from watching the movement of his lips.

The words leave your mouth effortlessly, the proclamation hanging in the air between you two.

“I love you too, Katsuki. Thank you so much, for everything.” Like so, you kiss the plump flesh of his lips, the same inflammation of your heart burning as before. The strong muscle of his tongue prods your entrance, practically begging by licking your bottom lip. Katsuki grabbed your chin as gentle as he could muster, titling it for a better leverage to explore your mouth in return. Your hands trailed across the defining shape of his collarbones, rubbing any part of his body so that your fingers remained busy. Both of you hum in satisfaction, relishing in the feeling of the intimate moment. To your disliking, he removes his lips from yours and hovers instead, panting from the mini-make out session seconds ago.

“I’m going to marry you some day, mark my words. So don’t act fucking stupid when I pop the question,” he hotly proclaims, not once removing those piercing red eyes from yours. That’s when you knew he wasn’t bullshitting. If there’s one thing you learned about Katsuki over the years of dating, is that he doesn’t throw out promises in the air nonchalantly without keeping them. You can vaguely hear the ominous sound of wedding bells in your ears.

“Sounds intriguing. I always wanted to see you in a suit and tie.”

“Ya know, maybe someday might be tomorrow-.”

You cut him off with a scorching peck, making his eyes widen and dilate with every given second you laid your lips onto his. “Shut up babe and ravish me already.”

A mischievous grin forms on his mouth as he links his arms around the back of your knees and hoists you over his shoulder. He erupted into fits of laughter after hearing you squeak from the abruptness. The door to your shared bedroom came into view, your boyfriend kicking it with his free foot before entering through the threshold.

“You’re in for a long night sweetheart. Now that our daughter isn’t here, I’m not holding back on anything,” he threatens as he lays you down on the comforter.

Another thing you learned from your relationship. Katsuki is always true to his word.

-

[thedivine-eros]

I didn't know why I took this picture July 15th 2020, after I had a full blown mental breakdown in my therapist's office. But today as I was scrolling through my phone's pictures, I stumbled across it, and it really made me reflect on life.

It's a weird feeling, scary almost, but also relieving at the same time. To finally get a really solid diagnosis as to what the hell has been going on inside of your head for years.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Yup, there it is. That's what has been causing so much built up pain, anger, sadness, anxiety for YEARS. Literal years, undiagnosed. I honestly just thought I was a shitty person. I still do at times.

It was said to me during a therapy session over the summer. I was in a high manic state. Within the week since I last saw my therapist I had dyed my hair, pierced my nose again, and scrubbed my kitchen floors spotless. All things a normal person would do, but the way I was approaching things were not normal.

I was on edge, and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. That was my definition of normal. A week or two I feel like I am unstoppable. I can do ALL the things. I feel like a great mom, a great wife, and a great homemaker. But I was constantly anxious and waiting for the downward spiral. And then out of no where, or what felt like no where, I was hit hard with a wave of depression. I could barely get out of bed. I did the bare minimums as a mom and as a wife.

I honestly had no idea why. I could not explain why I was anxious all the time, or why I could cry at any small inconvenience. I still can't, half the time. Now I at least know the root of it is from BPD.

BPD has been something I've struggled with for over a decade. I can remember I often would get called "dramatic" and "sensative" by friends, classmates, and teachers. Looking back, I realize now that I struggled with my BPD as a teenager, and I didn't have the resources to navigate it. Now at 25, I still struggle with it, but I at least have a definition to what it is, and I am still learning coping skills.

Because of Borderline Personality Disorder, I have anxiety. And unfortunately, my anxiety shows itself through anger. I have a fear of abandonment. I self-harm(ed) in more way than one, an eating disorder being the number one way. There are days my depression hits like a ton of bricks, and I watch the dishes and laundry pile up, but I still can't convince myself to do them.

But, surprisingly, I have learned with the help of my therapist that there are also good qualities that stem from having BPD. I have the ability to be resilient. Through all the hardships and suicidal thoughts, I am still alive. I am strongly empathetic. And I honestly believe that what I thought was a bad quality growing up, that being sensitive is not at all a bad thing. I feel all the feelings strongly and deeply. If there is nothing else that I can say, I can without a shadow of a doubt say that I love my husband and my boys so deeply.

I guess where I'm going with all of this is, having a mental illness is not a bad thing. There are pushes and pulls, gives and takes. It is fucking hard, but to finally get a solid answer as to WHY, is more than enough for me.

Talk about mental health. With anyone that will listen. Because I know that 12 year old me would have thrived if I knew what I know now about having Borderline Personality Disorder.

[sublimewagondiplomatickid]

Hope.

I thought I needed to finally start a blog, to write how I feel, to talk to someone but also not burden them with all this. Because the people I can burden it on, I can’t seem to find the words to tell them anything. But the people who I should be careful with i am the most talkative. I don’t know. It’s complicated. It’s impulsive. It’s exhausting.

Anyway, so I have this fear of abandonment. I am scared I will be left all alone in this world and if I do not do something about it, if I do not cling to people and make sure they stay in my life, I will lose them. I will be pretty cool initially to hang out with, very chill and cool. But as soon as you start becoming important to me, I'll become this clingy person who is no longer cool and is so dependent and scared and so exhausting to be around. While people keep reminding me that's not true my mind still keeps on convincing me that they are just being nice. And even more so if the person in concern is romantically involved with me. "They're doing it just for sex", "They must have some ulterior motive to be with me", "They definitely are in love with someone else". The excuses are endless.

I had a discussion with my therapist on this, I do not think of me as worthy, I guess a lot of it stems from the way I was treated as a child. I guess I somehow learnt that I had to be of use to be worthy, I must always have something to offer, I must be reliable, I must make people laugh and be a cool person to be around. While I might be some of it, I was always doing that out of duty. I have only 3-4 people I can actually be myself around, even then that fear creeps up at times. With all my friends, it took me years to trust them, that I can be vulnerable in front of them and I can be myself. But even then, when I cannot help them in the perfect way that I should I feel like I've failed that relationship. I know it's not true, but I'm not really sure I believe it. And everytime I look at all of this, I feel sad for myself. I have been feeling sad for myself for so long, I'm tired. I want to move past this to a better place, where I'm kinder to me and everyone around me. Where I see myself worthy of the love I get and actually embrace it without a doubt. Where I can appreciate every little thing people do for me, including me and be actively thankful for it. Where I can love myself not because I have to do it but because I am someone worth loving.

While I have a long way to go, I'll keep trying, I'll keep failing and I'll keep appreciating every one who is around helping me through the tough times. I'll appreciate me for not giving up yet.

[strawberry-milktea]

(1) I don't know if you've struggled with this before but have you ever wondered how you could use your talents in a career that would help others and do God's work? I'm at a difficult point in my life right now. I think what I'm best at is languages. I was raised bilingual in Spanish and English, and majored in Asian Studies with a concentration in Japanese language. I mostly use the first two languages (Spanish with my family, and English because I live in the USA).

(2) My dream was to get a job after graduation where I’d be able to use Japanese since I was super passionate about it. Things didn’t go as planned because I don’t live in an area with many Japanese speakers. I tried looking into things like internships outside my state and country, but then… some bad things happened. First, I had to undergo surgery for a condition I didn’t even know I had. It was a very scary experience, and I feel like a lot of my emotional problems stem from it.    (3) Then, my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer, and had to undergo two surgeries. She also has severe Alzheimer’s and can’t do many things on her own. I’m her main caretaker since my parents can’t give up their jobs, and I don’t work, so my mom puts me in charge of her while my parents are at work. A lot of other difficult things happened. I don’t have friends because everyone moved on, got jobs elsewhere, got married, etc. while I’m just at home the majority of the time.(4) I get debilitating panic attacks, and there have been times when I’ve not wanted to live anymore because I feel so sad and useless. I feel like at one point, people had high hopes for me, and then I disappointed everyone. It’s been about four years since I took my last Japanese class. Even though my online friends come to me for help with translating things like manga dialogue or Jpop lyrics, I don’t know if my Japanese is even good enough to use for something like a real job anymore.            (5) Also, some medications I was put on to keep my health under control make me light-headed as a side effect, so I sometimes feel slower and more brain-foggy than I was when I was taking classes. I’ve lost confidence in my learning abilities compared to how fast I would learn stuff before. I feel like I’ve been so stagnant these past few years. And it’s hard when I don’t have a support system of friends. I love God. I put a lot of faith in God, I pray every day, and I know He cares about me.    (6, last message) But I still feel lost. I haven’t had luck with finding a job, even part-time jobs that have nothing to do with Japanese. It’s hard. It’s just tough convincing myself that I haven’t messed up, and that there still might be hope for me. I’m sorry if I’m bothering you but I was wondering if maybe you could give me suggestions on how I could possibly start fixing myself so that I can be of more use to God. Also, prayers for me and my family would be appreciated. Thank you so much.      —Hi there,You aren’t bothering me! I apologize for taking so long to respond to this. First thing I want to address in this message is you say it’s hard convincing yourself that you haven’t messed up.. Why do you feel your career going differently than planned is a result of you messing up? You couldn’t help that there were not any job opportunities in your area and that you needed surgery that set you back in terms of looking for jobs.. Generally speaking, being unemployed and searching in the job market is a tough spot for anyone to be in, regardless of which career it is. The job market has been difficult for quite sometime now.. I remember when I was between jobs, it was hard to just get an interview and a chance to prove myself, so the idea of actually getting the job can feel very discouraging nowadays. This isn’t your fault.. people who are qualified for jobs have difficulty finding them simply because the job market is saturated and there is competition. A lot of times, people know someone on the inside who puts a good word in for them and that’s how they get their foot in the door. You shouldn’t feel like it’s your fault that it’s been difficult to find work. Honestly, find comfort in the fact that you are certainly not alone in this struggle. I have definitely struggled with wondering how God could use me for His work in the career I went to college for. Like I mentioned above, there was a period of time I was out of work because the job I had been promised for after graduation fell through due to budget cuts. During the period when I was between jobs, there was a long stretch of time where I wasn’t getting any interviews and I fell into a very negative mindset. I was feeling angry with myself and completely discouraged, wanting to give up on the career I worked so many years for. The enemy was really doing a number on me during that time and I kept telling myself, “This is useless, I don’t even understand how He could use a career in healthcare to spiritually help people. I wasted all those years in college on something I can’t even find a job for and won’t even help people spiritually and give me chances to do His work.” But in His timing (and there was a good period of waiting I had to do), He opened the right doors for me and once He did, things fell into place effortlessly. I saw clearer how every door I tried to force open in my own will didn’t open because He had a reason. He wanted me a certain place in the time He set for it, and the ones I was trying to push for in my own power weren’t it. And in hindsight, I realized He was protecting me - because I later found out one of the places I had been interviewed for and thought was a serious possibility was a really unhealthy work environment that I would have been very unhappy in. Instead, when He opened the doors, I ended up in work environment where I could truly flourish and learn. I have coworkers who are caring and teach me what they know and in turn, I teach the people who come after me what I learn. I’ve built my confidence and became more independent in my job, in ways I never thought were possible because I trusted Him to do the work in me where I was unsure and scared. I came to realize that you don’t have to work in a church to be able to do His work. It brings me joy to show my coworkers love and help them when they need it. I know how much it means to me when people help me when I’m overwhelmed by a large workload or am facing something that is confusing to me, so I’m more than happy to return that favor. I hope when I show them that care and love coming from my heart, that they can see Christ’s love in me. I’ve learned that you can show Christ’s love by being there for people when they feel comfortable enough to open up to you during a quiet moment at work about something going on in their personal lives. I show love for the patients I’m playing a role in helping during their time of medical need by treating them as I would my own family. And I wouldn’t have ever thought ahead of time that it was possible at work, but He has opened opportunities for me to witness for Christ by sharing His Word with a coworker I befriended who opened up to me about emotional pains and regrets he has been dealing with for many years. I’ve written down quite a bit of scripture for him and even got to give him a Bible. This experience taught me that He has work for us in any setting, even settings we may think are the least likely.I understand that there are many factors that pose challenges for you in your situation, but always remember that all things are possible with Christ. Your mom has likely put you in charge of taking care of your grandmother since you are still out of work, but I am guessing that if you were to find a job, she would work with you to make arrangements so that you can start putting your career in motion? If you are concerned about your grandmother having proper care when you find a job, I would suggest to definitely talk with your mom about this. Regarding the panic attacks, I can only imagine how upsetting that must be to deal with, but it doesn’t mean you won’t be able to find and hold a job.. same applies to your loss of confidence in learning abilities. It’s very easy to be fearful that you can’t do it when you haven’t done something for a long time. I’ve been there, I know that scary feeling. But once you get into the routine of a new job, you will see it’s not as frightening as you think it is. Your confidence will grow with each passing day as you see yourself doing what you thought was impossible. Find peace in the fact that panic attacks and lack of confidence are not too big for our God to handle. Trust that He can and will carry you through this!I hope reading about my experience encourages you with the truth that God can and will provide opportunities at your future job for you to do His work.. even while you are waiting to find a job, you are still doing His work by taking care of your grandmother. Taking care of a sick person is something that requires a lot of dedication, love, and sacrifice. It’s not an easy job and is definitely not something that everyone is cut out for. It’s honestly very admirable that you are able to do this! So don’t lose sight of that.I will pray for you and your family.. Don’t lose hope and seek Him for guidance as to what steps you should take next. I hope this has been helpful to you and if there’s anything else you want to talk about, please feel free to message me!