#i'm cringing at myself god i'm embarassing | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ghostofasecretary · 1 month ago

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feelings sorting

how am i feeling? stressed. numb. overwhelmed. bad.

how does my body feel? floaty, cold, stiff. the floating started *after* i took my emergency anxiety meds, which is. annoying.

ok. put on socks and a jacket; that might start to help.

i haven't watered my plants in three weeks. been longer since i vacuumed, also.

haven't sent an email i need to send or a texted someone back.

i am so, so--i feel like i've just failed and failed and failed, and not just in a general "not getting what i wanted at the times i wanted it" way but in a daily "i haven't been eating food or giving myself tea or keeping my promises to myself that i would *do things to make my life better*" way.

ok. watered the plants.

i keep thinking "i want to give up" and i don't know what i mean by that. what do you mean, you want to give up? i mean i'm tired of picking myself up off the ground over and over again at both literal and metaphorical expense to fling myself at things that don't love me back. i mean i want to go to grad school but i DON'T want to tell my recommenders "haha yeah i got into [extremely prestigious institution] but didn't go because i'm too poor to afford it and too unimpressive to win the lottery that still calls itself merit-based." i mean i don't understand why i'm so tired all the time, and why doing the things i love scares me, and why studying is so hard, and why applying myself is so hard, and i keep sitting still for hours and hours and days and days and my whole WEEK went by and i hardly NOTICED because each day was the same. more or less. somehow.

Thursday feels like it didn't happen.

i don't want to skip poetry this week but i didn't prepare a single thing i was meant to and there's no point to it if i haven't prepared because i don't have the vocab i need to do this shit casually and anyways i'm past the point of doing stuff casually, i'm better at this than i used to be, i'm meant to be better

i'm so tired of myself.

backing out is easy, right? it's meant to be easy? "Hey, So sorry but I didn't make time for this thing that makes my life feel worthwhile this week, this passion project I've spent years on, the thing I feel like actually makes me interesting and knowledgeable enough to justify being a dumbass in other areas"--wow, it's nice to speak freely

i can tell i'm being crazy. i don't care. not saying it will only make me more crazy and less productive/capable of getting what i want/trapped in a cycle of Avoidance for things that Feel Bad.

my jaw's tense, my mouth's burnt, my throat is dry. drink some water. write an email.

i have, in fact, been pretty damn diligent about pursuing my goals for years. let's just--fucking--a bad month does not ruin you. a bad day does not ruin you. it's embarassing not to be prepared! it feels bad! i don't like it! nevertheless if i had the resources to be prepared i would be, and as i am not it is fair to assume i lack the resources, and my priority should be *getting* said resources so i don't *explode and die.* as it were.

placing this much weight upon my academics, on *not looking stupid,* is also very embarassing, but to be cringe is to be human and i'm stuck with myself.

listen. babe. do you think you can do poetry today? no. okay. that's fine. go communicate that like an adult.

(if i'd been that diligent wouldn't it have worked? if i'd been that diligent wouldn't i fucking have my goddamn life in order right now? ...does everyone you know who's worked hard have their just desserts for it, babe? does ANYONE? ask any of your mentors who are winning and they'll tell you it's at least half luck. privilege matters, your work matters, your character matters, and also sometimes people luck out and sometimes they don't.)

god this is excruciating.

EMAIL SENT.

i'm gonna resume this in a bit, i think, but i don't want to lost this so i'm gonna post it

ok. back at it. person texted.

i think the anxiety meds were a good call. talking to myself in public was also a good call. i wish i'd done this earlier but there's many things i might wish different and so instead i'll just be glad to be alive and moving.

i need to eat. and i need to start my grad school apps and email my recommenders politely, with respect and decency, without tearing myself down. firstly because tearing yourself down in front of others puts them in an uncomfortable position, and secondly because if you don't speak of yourself with respect you are doing an unkindness unto yourself.

oh, and i got an email about Job Onboarding. yay. (i have a job now btw, Go Me. that's not nothing. that was a significant source of stress for months and tackling it took a week, two on the outside, and soon i'll be making money and socializing more which is good for the monkey brain and improving my baseline levels of stress.)

plan:

- go to the bathroom oh my god

- eat + do dishes

- ~~account set-up~~

- schedule other job stuff

- vacuum the second half of the room

- grad school list; make/re-activate accounts; make spreadsheet of required docs and list of people to email

- make + eat dinner

- i would LIKE to a) catch up on my cards, b) Knit, and c) listen to my audiobook. and i'd like to do these things on purpose for fun. go me. let's try. if you don't get through all of Grad School List that's okay but PLEASE start in on it

(previously in q: what's up with mystery package from hell (figure out commute during lunch, change list if needed) (actually i do not care) (sent email, no response))

head hurty. back and body aches. how about i make some tea before i finish vacuuming.

update: i did not finish tea before vacuuming. i did not even start tea. things are Off The Floor which is good, but On My Bed which is less good. need to put the vacuum up also. blargh.

mystery mail situation is resolved thanks to the power of emails! huzzah.

3 hours 40 minutes after taking my anxiety meds i feel, uh, A Big Headache. tired in a drained way. i have a few things on my list left (*start* grad school shenanigizing, put up vacuum, make tea, make food (is banana bread + yogurt + fruit + seeds an adequate dinner, who knows not me. probably not given what else i've eaten lately. hush), eat food, Do Relaxation). i feel i have been more effective than i have been at improving my circumstances. i've been meaning to vacuum for actual weeks, and i managed to reorganize my bookshelf and put up some new books that have been languishing on the floor for two weeks in the process. i went through some very annoying job stuff that furthers my goal of making, like, Any Money At All this month! cancelling poetry today was fine actually. all my conversations with people were positive. i am kind of pleased with myself.

i think i may try some grad school bullshit now and THEN do upstairs taskz and then have a chill evening. maybe i will even vidya game, who knows. okay? okay!

evening update: i love approaching baking like it's cooking. instead of using a real recipe i used my two old bananas + 2 remaining carrots + bread like ingredients in quantities approximately similar in ratio and measure both to about three other recipes. it'll be a bit before i know how it tastes as it needs to cool but i'm quite pleased by the appearance, at least!

#ghost speaks #feelings sorting

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oekaki-chan · 2 years ago

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hey c! can i ask how do we get over the feeling of embarassment when drawing self-indulgent shippy fanart? i've seen most of your amazing art and i've noticed that you don't seem to hold back when drawing fanarts, it's really beautiful with the way you portray characters' intimate relationships.. be it thru manga, illustrations, sketches. I have quite a lot of ideas on my mind that I want to draw similar to what you've drawn in terms of shipping characters, but I can't help but feel embarassed most of the time when I attempt to draw, thinking that it's "cringe" or I should draw something else with more deeper meaning into it, not just shippy stuff.. so I get very hesitant posting said art online or even starting the sketch (i haven't drawn 95% of my written ideas for nearly a year ;_; pain lol) since a few of my friends might see and question it lmao but deep down i really want to draw them ofc! i'm just very scared with what others think, but I do want to show myself more through my art and what I really like to draw.. Have you had a similar feeling of embarassment too c? I'm sorry if this got too long, I don't rly have any artist friends to talk to this about :')) I'm just so amazed at how you're able to fight the fear and just draw what you want in the end ^-^ I hope I can be like that too with myself and art, there are rare times where I just say f*ck it and post it anyway but 99% of the time is just me overthinking on whether it's cringe or not but I want to be cringe so bad so I can just be free and draw whatever the heck I want! ahh so many conflicting feelings ;_; i hope you get what I mean, thank you again for responding to my previous asks with the colors and numerous questions! I'm sorry for being so curious lol i just want to draw my favorite characters to kiss and cuddle so bad but im too scared to even draw them so intimately like that so i dont even draw majority of my ideas for fear of being judged :'D :') :(( hope u had a nice day c!

I might never show it but actually I relate to you so hard, it's not once or twice that I keep overthinking if my art is too self-indulgent and cringe, everytime I'm about to post my art I'm one click away to post it but I always have this nagging worry of people judging my art (even tho there's nothing wrong with it, for god's sake!!!) so I just spend another 30 minutes worrying about it until I close my eyes, flick my finger quickly, and close the tab.

And oh god in heaven put a curse on meme culture for this because there was this one instance when someone made a corny meme out of my art (that's not even a funny drawing) and dared to send it to me, I know it's only one person but it's enough to crush my confidence in drawing and posting shippy/emotional art.

Whenever I draw my favorite characters looking all seductive and cool I always worry people would think it's cringe, whenever I draw characters kissing I always worry people would think I'm weird, but then I remember about the other artists I like who post (their own) self-indulgent stuff and they make me joyous, I want people to feel the same way about my art when I post my own self-indulgent art too, so I guess that's what keeps me doing what I do today 😂

My 2023 resolution is just to stop giving a single damn about what people think of my art, if they think it's cringe then so be it, I can't control the mind of people, at least the cringe art gives me the happy brain chemicals and that's what truly matters 😊

#ask

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white-collar-cannibal · 5 months ago

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i basically typed my live reactions in to the ask box lmfao sorry

THE PART WHERE THEYRE LOOKING AT HIS FACE FOR THE FIRST(?) TIME AND SEEING THEIR DEATH AUUUUUAUAUAUUUUAUAU some of these lines /vpos

niki. niki. what are you doing niki. what are you doing niki

nooo frank :(( "how easily his bones could be yours" holy fucking shit i got chills /vpos

chutzpah!!! yiddish my beloved <3

not them making hetch fucking laugh omfg

"“Hey, don’t get a big head. They only put you on all the marketing because you’re pretty.” i'm gonna kill myself aaaaaaaaaah it's ramping up the lie is being taken-

the bit about breathing hetch's exhaled air oh my fucking god that was so good

UGRH i love the fact that ranboo hates what theyre doing, wishes they didnt, hates that hetch might be attracted to them, but theyre still doing it because of that god damn guilt, it's always the guilt, for what they think theyve done

OH MY GOD THE KISS I FUCKING SCREAMED

that scene was so- beautifully pulled off omfg. like as opposed to an actual romance, where the tension builds, and you're rooting 'kiss kiss kiss,' it was sudden, you could tell they didn't want to, but felt they had to, and the whole way that was written spoke to that and it was fucking amazing

also the fact that theyre embarassed is vvvv interesting... this entire concept makes me feral

ohhhhh my godddd the next bit. author (idk your name?? white collar? lmao sorry) i do not even know how to tell you how incredibly well done that was. ranboo fuckin- thinking about how they would kill hetch, as he kisses them, I CANNOT COHERENTLY EXPRESS HOW GOOD THAT IS YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA

anyway. god damn. ranboo is an amazing actor. i almost feel bad for hetch. almost. (i am afraid for what will happen to them this entire dynamic is so gloriously fucked up i adore it a bit too much)

the other actors are going to find out at some point and it's going to be horrible i just know it

i cannot imagine what can possible happen in the eight-ish remaining chapters but i am sure it will be devastating and incredible and i am going to be here for it

there were other things i was going to say but i forgot them. OH RIGHT just that this fic is my new hyperfixation yippeee kudos to you again for writing it!

—afternoon anon

eeeeeeeeeeee thank you!!!!!!! i can never abandon this fic now you people depend on me. i'm so glad that other people love this fic as much as i do writing it.

and the guilt!!!! you get it it's the guilt forever!!!! guilt is so incredibly tied into how i read glanboo and it's very fun to put them in a Situation where like. king is the guilt helping. is this really the right idea or are you just trying to hurt yourself.

and the kiss scene oh my god that hurt to write i was going "i'm CRINGE i'm CRINGE" the entire time but the violent interstitials were absolutely my favorite bit i loved the realization they could go there it's. chef's kiss i'm so glad other people liked that.

there may??? only be six additional chapters? no one look at me i'm working things out. but nevertheless we are going some Places i am so excited to take y'all to!!!

(as what will be a perpetual aside the seeing your death thing is pulled from p.219 of harrow the ninth, "Ianthe looked at you, and in the paleness of her skin and in the shadows of her lips was her death, and yours.")

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genderjester · 9 months ago

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Caught between trying to give myself grace bc im trying my fucking best with the mentally ill brain i have and i almost self harmed a few months ago so rly. I should be kind to myself but also im so endlessly frustrated with how little i manage to get done and how hard simple tasks are for me it's genuinely embarassing. I'm turning 25 and still feel like i am cringe failing at 70% of what im "supposed to be able to do" at this age i guess. Sigh. No use beating myself up abt it i just need to keep on going and try again tomorrow. Do it scared do it tired do it alone do it embarassed but do it. GOD

#self harm cw #sel talks #sometimes i wanna stop trying so hard to be good and do dumb shit but yknow the unhealthy coping mechanisms arent solving my problems either #so like. grrrrrrr

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homo-rashi · 1 year ago

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Kinktober 2023 | Public Embarassment

Original Male Character x Original Male Character

Yuu was completely enthralled with Akihiko. Hearing his stories of his past, eating the delicious food he recommended, getting completely lost is the dark, ashe like color of his eyes as he speaks so fondly about the owner of this little cafe, of this formerly bustling onsen town…If only his body hasn't jolted him out of his completely concentration on Akihiko.

He went to take another sip of the warm rice based drink, after losing count of how many free refills he has been provided, he finally feels warm from the inside out and is dying to pee. Yuu honestly, had to go before Akihiko and him even go onto the train. Having waited at the station for almost an hour beforehand, drinking a hot coffee from a nearby vending machine to stay warm, He figured they would be at their destinations soon and he could relieve himself there, except, they were on the train for two hours…

Now, he doesn't want to get up, break the flow-oh god don't think about things flowing-of their conversation to excuse himself to the restroom, a restroom he hasn't seen. He has been looking. Whenever Akihiko breaks the conversion to take a bite, chew and swallow it, he has let his eyes wander around the small cafe, finding only a door back to the kitchen and nothing more.

“Aki-chan, would you two like desert? Its on the house!” Mimino-san comes back over to clear their plates,

“Are you going to let me pay for anything? Come on, I gotta show Yuu-san that I'm treating him on our first date, like a gentleman.” Akihiko jokes with the older woman. It makes Yuu’s heart swell, imagining this is how Akihiko might interact with his own grandmother.

“Yuu-kun! You mustn't let our princess pay!” Mimiko jokes, hustling back to the kitchen, presumably not taking no on the deserts.

“Akihiko…How does Mimiko know about Aki-chan?” Yuu asks, genuinely curious. He was under the impression that Akihiko’s crossdressing was a very, very big secret from the hushed tone he recalled his past in, but clearly, Mimiko san thinks of Akihiko as a girl, or rather a princess.

“Ah, well, I left that part out for a reason, it's rather embarrassing.” Yuu swears he can see a faint blush creep up on his cheeks, and now he had to know,

“Come on, you read my horribly embarrassing english essays, I think I deserve some blackmail material on you.” Yuu teases, He wiggles slightly in his seat, pushing his cup of amazake away so he doesn't take another sip. He just has to get through the desert and then he can slip away to the restroom at the train station.

“I thought I was so smart, you know, coming here where nobody would know me. I was pretending to be so confident…but I actually thought I still looked like a guy.” Yuu can't believe that,

“But, you. Um, sorry if this isn't a compliment anymore, but you look very feminine…I actually thought you were a woman the first time I saw you.” Yuu is only slightly embarrassed at the admission hen Akihiko's face lights up,

“I thought so, most people do when they see me from behind, but you still found me attractive when you found out I was a man…?” Akihiko teased further,

“Even more so…actually.” Yuu blushes extremely hard at admitting that out loud, but pushes past it, urging Akihiko to continue with his story. Mimiko quietly drops off two bowls of Zenzai, a sweet red bean soup with mochi.

“Well, Even so. I didnt think my whole plan through and one week while I was here, I ended up drinking a little too much at juice bar, free samples and such. I didnt have alot of money cause I was paying for my own university but…” Akihiko pauses, taking a big spoonful of his desert. Yuu does the same but cringes as he feels more liquid being added to his body. Of all the traditional desserts, mimiko-san had to choose the only liquid one he could think of.

“I wasn't nearly ready to go home but I really had to um, relieve myself…” Yuu’s eyes go wide. Of course, when he is in this predicament, this would be the story Akihiko is telling. He tenses his legs under the table, uncrossing and recrossing them.

“Oh-” Yuu doesn't know how to respond, he just wants to sound natural, not like he has to ‘relieve himself’ extremely badly right now.

“Yeah and I was dressed like a woman, but I didn't think I really looked like one, and I was well am, a man. Going into the women's restroom like that was, well, not an option and the mens also could have been dangerous…” Yuu feels bad for Akihiko’s past self. He can definitely relate to the feeling of needing to go and nothing having a place to.

“So, I went on with my day, just hoping it would go away…but that's not how it works. I ended up wobbling into Mimiko-san’s shop, like, hands between my legs.”

“Oh my god.” Yuu laughs slightly at the mental image, he gently rests his free hand in his lap, realizing he can hold himself under the table without Akihiko seeing. He instantly feels relief.

“Yeah, it wasn't my finest moment. I found Mimiko-san, she was younger and bussing tables, I frantically ran up to her, asking if he has a restroom…completely forgetting to change my voice at all-”

“So you sounded like you do now?” Yuu asked, he was picturing Aki-chan with a very high pitched, normal female japanese voice this whole time, but he guesses, Akihiko couldn't really change his voice that much.

“A little higher, but basically yes…Mimiko-san did clock me immediately but she told me there were public restrooms at the station and they only had a private restroom for staff in the back and I didnt know what to do, so I…Lifted up my wig, showing her my short hair, and I just said ‘I either use your restroom or your floor, miss’ and she took me back, and then helped me fix my hair and did my makeup and yelled at me for how dangerous what I was doing was and then, she let me always get changed here for a year, until I went to the states.”

‘Wow. Mimiko-san was just…okay with it?” Yuu asked, normally, older japanese women were very set in their ways about lgbt stuff, if they even know what it is.

“Yuu, Mimiko is a trans woman…Why do you think she and her husband are still running this shop, she never could have any kids and in japan…she cant adopt.” Yuu’s eyes widen,

“I-I had no idea!” He looks over at Mimiko-san shocked, but happy, happy she was able to help Akihiko in his time of need, now thought, he knows there is a bathroom but- is his circumstance really bad enough to ask to use the private restroom…

Yuu decides not to ask when Mimiko-san comes over and tries to refuse Akihiko’s payment and tip, Arguing that they don't do tips in Japan and Akihikp arguing back that he lived in San Francisco, and to not disrespect his American culture. Mimiko ends up taking the money and hugging Akihiko and himself goodbye, the tight squeeze of her arms around his body makes his shift in place, reeling how badly he has to go now that he is standing up.

Leaving the cafe, Yuu expects Akihiko to turn to the train station, but he doesn't, instead, Yuu’s hand is taken once more and they head in the opposite direction. Five minutes later Yuu finds himself casually strolling through a park with Akihiko, hand in hand, it would be romantic. If Yuu didn't have his other free hand, in his pocket squeezing his cock for dear life, squeezing everything for dear life at this point.

“If it's too busy, we can…not- '' Akihiko goes to pull his hand away, but Yuu is also squeezing it. He didn't even realize he was doing it. Yuu lets him go but without Akihiko pulling him along, he cant find the will to move, to part his legs. He really, really should have spoken up at the restaurant, but it's too late. They left, they have walks farther from the station, too far, too-

“You feeling alright? Let’s sit down, okay?” Yuu can't even process Akihiko moving him over to a nearby bench, assisting him in sitting down. He feels wetness drip onto his upper lips, he is sweating, yet he can see his breath. “Do you feel like you're going to be sick?” Akihiko asks, and Yuu can hear the worry and sincerity in his voice, Yuu doesn't say anything, not trusting his voice, he just shakes his head, he wishes he was sick, but no, he is about to wet himself because he cant speak up for himself.

“Can you walk? Maybe you need some water-” Akihiko goes to stand, but Yuu cant. He is leaking, he feels it. His boxers soak it all up, but if he stands, it will be all over, He won't be able to hold it.

“Hide me.” Yuu reaches up and grabs Akihiko's hand. He is going to wet himself, for the first time in years, on his first date with a guy, with Akihiko.

“What? I don't understand, Yuu, What's wrong?” Akihiko is bending down in front of him, looking him in the eyes. Yuu can't, He cant hold it, He can't be looking at Akihiko when it happens, so he leans his head forward, slumping his weight into Akihiko’s suit jacket shoulder, Whats starts as a small drip, erupts into a waterfall falling through the wooden slats of the bench, onto the concrete park walkway below them.

“Oh-” Yuu can't take the acknowledgment of Akihiko knowing what has just hapepned.He feels him, Akihiko pulling away, Yuu covers his face with his hands, not longer being shielded by Akihiko's warm body. He feels so utterly alone and humiliated.

“Mommy- is that man okay?” He hears the child's voice, followed by rushed shushes from a few women, He is crying, shaking, when he feels the warm, soft fabric off something falling over his lap.

“Sorry, there, nobody can see now. You're okay. If you didn't feel well, you should have said something.” Yuu finds the familiar warmth of Akihiko inffront of him, un-shielding his eyes, he sees Akihiko's suit jacket covering his lower half, that is now wet and cold, His accident having long finished during his breakdown.

“I-I’m sorry.” He sobs, He isn't sick, He is just an idiot, an idiot with a small bladder, and an idiot who is beyond embarrassed.

“It's okay, seriously. Let's get you home. You need to rest and get cleaned up.” Akihiko stands, but Yuu doesn't. He knows what he looks like, it's so obvious he wet himself,

“Here, Tie this around your waist, nobody will see.” Yuu stands, letting Akihiko take his own suit jacket from his lap and tie it around him. It's still obvious from the front what happened, but at least some people will be oblivious to his shame. “Come on, if you need to stop for anything, let me know, okay?” Yuu nods, still not wanting to speak and follows Akihiko to the train station.

#omorashi #kinktober #fictomo #fanfic #piss fic #omo #male omorashi #fanfiction #ao3 fanfic #ao3 writer #fanfic writing #a03 #ao3fic

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avulleonastick · 2 years ago

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Top five songs?

Oh God, I wrote up basically a whole response to this and tumblr ate it 😭

(Update: Tumblr ate it *again*. Kill meeee.)

Anyways, onto the list!

youtube

me, to me: kill the part your that cringes, kill the part of you that cringes.

In my opinion, the kpop is the height of pop, and GFRIEND was (rest in peace) the height of kpop. I realize they're very much... *that* (their name in Korean is literally just the Korean name for girlfriend), but god, they're so good. I love basically every song they've ever made. Although they did sucker me with the classic parasocial whatevermans (sinb my beloved), I loved them before I could distinguish any of them from each other. I have other, less embarassing faves (Dreamcatcher and Blackpink), but I never liked them as much as I liked GFRIEND.

This song is... probably my favorite, but I loved basically all of their songs. (Including a song that is like, 200% less embarrassing, so I deserve to be congratulated for not wimping out and picking that one.)

youtube

Once upon a time (see: in high school), this was my favorite song, by my favorite band. If I was to pick my favorite song now, it would probably be something off of Hybrid Theory, or maybe the album with Jay-Z, but I'll keep this out of a respect for history.

youtube

After Linkin Park, my favorite band in high school, we have Battle Beast, which is probably my favorite band right now. I love Battle Beast—they exemplify so much of everything I love about metal. Which is to say, the just raw earnestness of it all. It might be lame and silly but there is not a trace of irony to be found here.

I love basically all of Battle Beast's songs on all the albums that have Noora as the vocalist (aka all albums but the first), but this song is probably my favorite.

Also, I love Noora with my entire heart. I love the way she sings so much. The way I've described it before is that she sings like a male lead vocalist, except like, better, which is just so :just right emoji:.

youtube

(Read "soba ni iru ne", meaning something like "I'm by your side".)

This is probably my favorite Japanese song. I actually fell in love with it way back when—when I was in high school, and knew roughly zero Japanese. I learned the song phonetically by singing along to it over and over again, which was a very bizarre surprise when I finally knew enough Japanese to understand it, and played it again, because I found myself speaking words and understanding them for the first time *as they were coming out of my mouth*. A truly bizarre experience, would recommend.

Also, this song. I still love it. Alas, none of Aoyama Teruma's songs really grabbed me, which is a bit of a shame and also kind of sort of my experience with most pop.

youtube

(Specifically this version: the chanmina remix.)

This song the soundtrack of my trans realization. It's not trans (like, at all), but it was the song I was playing on repeat when I drove down to Santa Barbara and first seriously considered that I was trans, and for that, I will always love it. Listening to it really takes me back to that point in my life (which is good, because it was a very happy time—the misery came later).

Pay Attention To Me!

#💕💕#thank you!#but also augh tumblr why are you like this

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rotisseries · 2 years ago

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list of viable red flags of mine

had a hamilton phase. i literally went to see it in january. i stand by my statement that i've never had a cringe fandom phase because usually my fandoms weren't cringe and the cringe ones i WAS into i was normal about and not severely embarassing. (such as reading historical rpf. i've never done that i'm not gonna do it i SWEAR i just liked the music) nevertheless hamilton fan in any form is cringe

i'm homeschooled

mixed up percy jackson's birthday with my dad's. confidently stated the wrong birthday at the dinner table when asked if i knew my dad's birthday i'm not joking this one is bad

i get headaches when i get too emotionally invested in fanfiction. i think it's the combination of staring at a screen and getting too excitable but it's fucking weird what the hell

i watched. and enjoyed. my hero academia. wasn't in the fandom beyond reading fic but. it's mha

had an hp phase forcibly thrust upon me by my family

ellie is not my favorite character in the last of us series. she's a very close second. i do think there is something fundamentally broken in me for this one it just sounds wrong as i say it like it's literally the ellie series to me she's the main bitch i love her why is she only my second fave

i was never a superwholock fan but i knew way too much about it via tumblr posts i saw on google images. almost a superwholocker by proxy. borderline

expanding on that. i wasn't allowed to have any social media (not even pinterest😔) so i experienced it solely through screenshots on google images. i'd be like "funny tumblr posts" "funny tumblr posts about [current fandom]" and then i'd just scroll to the end of the results

my family knows that i read fanfiction they just don't know what it's about. i was asked at the dinner table if i read fanfiction about mike and will from stranger things. this was an awful experience. also my dad used to have my email set up to forward emails i got to him when i was younger, and i didn't know this and signed up to ff.net and subscribed to plenty of pjo fic that were definitely very bad and in hindsight knowing he saw the update emails i got is just awful. god. killing myself

i'm gonna have to come up with cringe facts about myself to share so sara @willelfanpage has a fighting chance aren't i

#can't believe i'm admitting these. freely. the things i'll do for tumblr mutuals oh my god

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sleepysnk · 4 years ago

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looking back at my old headcanons and yikes 😳... those were so ass. i'm kind of embarrassed looking at my old stuff considering it was months ago, my headcanons are so short and dry 😭 how did y'all get them so popular.

#summer speaks #this is embarassing tbh #i'm cringing #god i hate myself

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bbyheedeungie · 4 years ago

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kiss me, go on. | bestfriend!Heeseung AU

Pairings: Heeseung x Reader

Genre: fluff, a dash of smut

Warnings: kinda suggestive

Synopsis: You and Heeseung have been best friends for as long as you two can remember, completely platonic. Or so you thought.

Someone once said to you that best friends would never develop feelings for each other, unless they never really saw each other as best friends in the first place. You never really understood what that meant, nor did you ever actually thought it through. You were sure that your friendship with Heeseung was far from that case. That is until one night you find yourself straddling Heeseung's lap in his bedroom on a Thursday night.

"Kiss me, go on." He whispered.

Five minutes ago, you were only teasing each other and making small banter. You were talking about how that guy you liked at school asked you out and was asking for Heeseung for advice on boys' preferences.

"Should I flirt? Act shy? Would jeans look good on me? Or a skirt? Oh God, what if he kisses me, Heeseung I don't know what to do." You said frantically, shaking Heeseung's shoulders for answers. He chuckles, popping an m&m into his mouth. He swats your hands away from him and leans on the head board of his bed.

"Well first of all, just act like your usual dorky self. You'd look good in a skirt, but it might get chilly so just wear jeans. And for the kissing part, well if you're that worried then you can practice on me." He said nonchalantly, smirking.

"Ew, where did that even came from." You rolled your eyes, denying the fact that your heart was beating so hard in your chest at the thought of practicing how to kiss with Heeseung, your best friend of all people.

"Chicken." He teased, grinning. You scoffed and grabbed the nearest pillow you could find and whacking him in the face.

"Am not. I could even french kiss you if I want to." cringe. what has gotten into you? In all the years that you've spend together with Heeseung, this was actually the first time that you had this conversation with him.

"Oh God, please don't say things like that on your date. I'm getting secondhand embarassment here." He laughed, his head hitting the headboard lightly. You squinted your eyes at him, not letting him win this one.

"Oh yeah? Will this make you get secondhand embarassment too?" You climbed onto his lap, making sure your shorts hike up your thighs in the process. Heeseung's eyes widen and immediately tries to sit up and attempt to push you off but you quickly shove his chest back down to its slouching position.

"Y/N." He warned. You giggled seductively.

"It's what you want right? Just one kiss, Heeseung." You said in a teasing tone, even going as far as grinding your hips very lightly. Heeseung tries so hard to suppress a groan, searching for something to grip on for control.

"Does this make you get secondhand embarassment, Heeseung? Or perhaps a boner?" You continued teasing, biting your lower lip as you caressed his chest down to his abs, enjoying what was unraveling in front of you. Heeseung looks up at you with slightly hooded, darkened eyes.

"Kiss me, go on." He whispered so lowly you could've missed it.

You were actually a little taken aback, wondering if all of this were still jokes or was Heeseung dead serious. None of you dared to move, as you search for his eyes that seeked for you in return. He was the first to break the eye contact and cleared his throat.

"I was joking, Y/N. You don't have to do this." Heeseung said in defeat, although he'd never admit out loud how much he wished for you to just go for it. Screw everything.

"I don't have to, but I want to." before he could even speak, you grab both sides of his face and crash your lips against his. He instantly kisses back, taking the lead as his tongue sweeps on your lower lip for entrance in which you gladly give him.

His arms circled around your waist and you let out a whimper as his hips involuntarily grinds against yours, needing some friction. Heat was starting to pool in your middle as you joined rhythm with his hips, your lips never losing contact.

"W-we need to stop." Heeseung said breathlessly in between kisses, but his actions say otherwise as he pulls you in closer, wanting you as close to him as possible as he lightly tugs on your oversized shirt, badly wanting it off.

"We should." you whispered and used all of what was left of your willpower to break the kiss, lightly pecking Heeseung's forehead as you slid off of him, making him groan at the lost of touch. An awkward silence went on for seconds, even minutes as both of you attempted to fix your dishevelled hair and clothes. You clench your thighs together, still trying to grasp what had just (or almost) ocurred between the two of you.

"Are you regretting it?" Heeseung asked, sitting beside you on the edge of the bed with his head hanging low.

"N-no! Not at all," you reassured. "Just wondering, what happens now?" Heeseung himself didn't know how to answer the question.

"Look, I'm gonna be honest okay." He said, finally facing you. You nod.

"I guess I never really admitted it to myself, but I've always wanted more. More to us than being just friends. And there had been many nights where I wondered what it was like to be called your boy friend and not boy best friend. But you know, I always shrugged it off and convinced myself to be happy for you everytime you went out with someone else because hell, I'm just your bestfriend Y/N. I should be happy just being here for you." he ranted, rubbing the nape of his neck anxiously.

"Well I wouldn't kiss you if I didn't feel the same way, Heeseung. But I don't want to lose you though, I still want my best friend."

He smiled, taking your hand in his.

"Who says you'll lose me? Now you have me as your boy best friend and the best boy friend you'll ever had."

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tama1313 · 3 years ago

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The Promised Neverland singing contest

Gotta admit I took inspiration from this video, but like... with The Promised Neverland

In a "no-tragedy universe", all the characters from TPN are hosting a friendly singing-competition

The winner won't win anything special besides, well... being the announced winner

Isabella is hosting the competition and our favorite trio will be the judges (all of them will participates in this, but they won't be classified for obvious reasons)

...

Everyone is waiting outside the building where the competion is hosted.

Suddenly Isabella comes out and announce "Everybody, come in! The competition is about to start! And don't argue. It won't be over until every person who wants participating is over"

...

Gilda, at first a bit shy but then she relaxes: "Got me looking so crazy right now! Your love's got me looking so crazy right now!"

The trio: *smiles at her*

...

Queen levagralima, chaotically dancing throught the rhytm: "Rah Rah ah ah aaaah! Roma Romamaaaa! Gaga, oh lallaaaa! WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE!"

Everyone: *feeling a little incomfortable and imbarassed at the scenes for some reason*

...

Leuvis, Isabella and Grandma: "JUMP! Jump, jump! You might as well juuump!"

The trio: " : / ... <:D "

...

Nat: *Moment of panic*

Everyone: *feels sorry for him and confused at the same time*

Emma: *gesturing to encourage him*

Nat: "... ... ... BABY! I compare your kiss from a rose on the grave..."

...

Gillian, while dancing: N.U.CK!! N.U.C.K!!

The trio: *clapping at her*

...

James Ratri/Minerva: "I love my shoes!..."

Peter Ratri, that looks annoyed and bored, since his brother basically forced him to partecipate in this duet: "... I love my shoes..."

The trio: *trying to not laught at Peter's reaction"

...

Sandy: Come my lady, come come my lady! You're my butterfly, sugar! Baby! Come my lady! Your're my pretty baby..."

Everyone: *excited*

The trio: *happy of Sandy's performance but a bit confused for the lyric's choice*

...

Don: *sings incomprehesible words, partially covered by the stoned notes from the key that he's hitting with all his strenght*

Everyone: *embarassed and cringed*

Nat, covering his ears: *whisper* "please, for the love of god! Someone stops him!"

...

Krone, while dancing messily at the song's rhytm: "Oh my gosh! Look at her butt! Oh my gosh! Look at her butt! ..."

Ray: *facepalming, annoyed and embarassed*

Norman: *astonished and embarassed*

Emma: *trying to not laught out loud and embarassed too*

....

Cislo: "I LIVE MY LIFE BY MYSELF!"

Barbara: "YEAH YEAH!

Cislo: "I CAN'T STAND A THING THAT YOU SAY!"

Barbara: "YEAH YEAH"

Cislo: "I'M NOT LISTENING..

Barbara: ...ANYWAAAAAAY! YEEEAHYEAAHYEAHHHHH"

Emma: *Impressed and excited for their performance*

Norman: *More than happy, but holding his chest for the vibrations incoming*

Ray: :O

...

Paula: *tries to play guitar but fails*

Always Paula: *leaves the stages laughing at themselves for the embarassment*

...

Chris, Jemima and Dominic together: "Lollipop Lollipop Oh, Lolli Lolli Lolli! Lollipop Lollipop Oh, Lolli Lolli Lolli..."

Dominic, suddenly: *POP* and then *embarassed*

Chris: "... ! ... Babombonbom ..."

The trio: *in AWW*

...

Pepe: "They said 'Yo Humpty! You're pretty funny looking' That's alright 'cus I get things cooking" *takes a pan out of nowhere*

Goldypond gang: *rooting for him and laughing at his joke"

...

Ray: "Working 9 to 5! *almost to himself* what a way to make a living...*

Emma and Norman: *both happy fro his performance but trying to not laught due the lyric choice"

...

Phil: *Can't reach the microphone*

Always Phil: *discouraged*

Emma: *comes and lifts him up*

Phil: :D "We can dance if you want to...!"

Everyone: "awwwwwww!"

...

Both Anna and Sonia: "aserejè, ja deje dejebe, tudejebe de...!"

Emma and Norman: *clapping*

Ray: " ... the hell this chorus mean??"

...

Sonjiu: *Screams in lirical*

The trio: *impressed*

Mujica: *rooting for him*

...

Violett: "So I riiide.. like the wiiind! Ride like the wind!"

The trio: " :D "

...

Lucas: "Ben, the two of us need look no more...!"

Goldypond gang: *crying and rooting for him*

...

Everyone: *touched for some reason*

Norman: This ain't loving, it's cleeaar to see! But darling... staaaay with meeeeeee...!"

...

While the trio is taking a closer look at all the participants' point, suddenly someone takes the stage

Ray: "!... Impossible!"

Norman: "He said he would have never participated!"

Emma: "Yeah! I knew it!"

*The music starts*

Yuugo: "Everytime it rains, it rains! ... Pennies from heaven... Don't you know, each cloud contaiiiin..."

...

Isabella: "And now... the last participant...!"

*The music starts*

Emma, happy to be there just for the sake of singing: "'Cus baby, you're a firework! Come on! Let your colors buuurn!!..."

Everyone: *clapping loudly and excited*

...

And now the winners!

In your opinion who should win?

Write it in the comments! Or reblog

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thepermanentscowl · 2 years ago

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well, that's you. knowing when to turn the page. that's good. that's stronk. and "laif gous onn" is a total grandma statement. i want to write this down and put it up on my wall. or, if i have your permission, i can put it on a bg and use the image as my header? pretty please?

fun fact: sky pic is from last evening

i want you to know that i'm cringing very hard right now because honestly w h y d i d i t y p e t h a t. crack your ribcage?? why, god. a simple hug was perfect but ig i have a knack of embarassing myself infront of you. and i don't know how you're not weirded out by that vision. do you like lethal hugs.

knew i'd get you. current score is one all. may the best rickroller emerge victorious.

have a seat child lemme tell you a tale

ok so we’re doing this

@thepermanentscowl i'm just going to post this here because...no one looks at my blog anyway lmao and i don't care

i'm just going to pray i don't look back at this and regret telling you embarrassing shit but fuck it we ball and also i trust you.

warning: this is probably going to read like a shitty cringy school fanfic (look i have girl friends who use wattpad so i am cursed with knowledge okay) but this is absolutely 100% true.

warning #2: there’s a lot of meandering but i won’t apologise because. it’s my story and i’ll tell it however i want.

warning #3: if it seems like it gets a bit dramatic towards the end it’s because i got sad.

overall warning: very long. unedited. full of random shit. read at your own risk.

ANYWAY prepare yourself to read a love story better than romeo and juliet, than jack and rose, than even twilight. prepare to read the most beautifully tragic romance ever.

where do i begin.

Ok so when I was in fifth grade, I had the misfortune of somehow landing in the worst class an idiot child like me could end up in. I was never the “quiet kid”- on the contrary, I was always the one jumping on tables and getting sent out of class- but being with people like my classmates made me a Sad Boi for a whole year. You know, 10-11 year-old kids who’d just realised romance was a thing and who felt the need to incorporate it into every aspect of their dumb almost-middle-school lives. Every day was ‘OoOOHhHh wHo dO yOu LiKe’ or ‘oOOOhHHh wHo ArE yOu LoOkInG aT’. I couldn’t really blame them for getting over-excited, maybe I was just boring for my age. Anyway, I morphed into a kid who spent his lunch breaks sneaking books from the senior library and consulting a mini Oxford dictionary whenever I was in doubt, which was often.

It wasn’t just the teasing that got on my nerves, it was that my classmates were those pre-adolescents who’d later grow up into those wannabe Am-EHRIK-en teenagers- thinking they were so cool and sporting superior ‘Oh you don’t watch so-and-so hot boy’s Youtube channel? How saa-yad.’ airs that made me want to gag. I digress but whatever.

Needless to say, the Oxford Pocket dictionary was my best friend that year.

From a kid who ran into school bright-eyed and beaming every day, I turned into one who dreaded the prospect of entering a class with fresh hormone charged, irritating-beyond-words kids who were more concerned about some low-life’s Youtube tutorials than playing Tag. I did not care about next year. I was going to stay a silent emo kid planning murder at the back of my class forever. Was…what I thought.

___

I hadn’t even bothered to look at my 6th grade class list properly when we went for the end-of-the-year PTM. I was mildly surprised that I’d been shifted to a class with a completely different set of kids, many of whose names were unfamiliar. It’s probably going to be a repeat of last year, I thought. Whatever, just keep your head down and find something good to read. And let them think you’re the snooty class-topper who looks down on everyone else. You don’t care what they think of you, anyway.

Those were the sunshiny thoughts running through my head when I walked through the corridors on the first day of sixth grade, ignoring the kids running around and chattering happily with their friends, completely oblivious of the fact that one of those kids was running way too fast without looking- in my direction. Next thing I knew, I felt a body slam into me, knocking me to the ground. I fell on my school bag, the other kid fell on top of me. He immediately got up, but I barely saw him. I was too busy opening my bag to check if my books were okay- and they were, by some miracle. No damage. It was only when I breathed a sigh of relief that I became aware that some kids were asking if I was alright, and the boy who had run into me was apologising profusely and looking very guilty. I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at the boy warily. Wildly curly hair, glasses askew, shirt untucked. He looked like one word- trouble. ‘It’s fine’, I said to him. ‘I’m fine. Stop saying sorry.’ He looked relieved.

I got up and began to walk to class. The boy fell into step beside me, and said ‘You’re Arya, right?’

I looked at him, surprised. ‘Yes…how do you know my name?’

He seemed excited for some reason. ‘Um, I saw you at the inter-house Spell-Bee last year. You were really cool. I didn’t even know half the words,’ he grinned.

I looked at him properly for the first time. He came to my shoulder, he had brown wide eyes, and he spoke really fast and animated, like an RJ.

I found myself grinning back at him. He had the most infectious smile.

‘I’m Vishwesh!’ he said very excitedly.

‘Sounds like “fish”’ was the first, highly intelligent thought that I blurted out and immediately hated myself for saying. What the hell, I thought. WHO SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE THEY JUST MET?!

Vishwesh stared at me. Then he laughed. ‘You’re right, it does. Hey, you can call me that if you want.’

I was confused. ‘Sure? You want to be called Fish?’

‘It sounds funny. I’ve never had a funny nickname. And we’re in the same class.’

We were? What a coincidence. At least there seemed to be one guy I could be friends with.

Fish walked me to our class, talking about last night’s cricket match that I hadn’t watched. I decided that I liked his voice. A little higher than most boys our age, frequented by voice cracks. His constant stream of chatter was weirdly soothing. I usually got really annoyed by people who didn’t know when to shut up (still do btw).

We climbed up the last flight of stairs and stood at the doorway. I stared.

The first thing I saw was a boy standing on a table and scream-singing “Thunder” while a bunch of other guys ran around him like they were summoning a spirit. The second thing I saw was a group of girls throwing a tennis ball at each other. One of them threw it a bit too hard (obviously, an accident. Obviously.), and it sailed out of the class and hit our (female) chemistry teacher- who was flirting with our (male) biology teacher- right in the face. The chem teacher stormed into class yelling at the girl (who was making a heroic effort not to laugh), while the bio teacher took the opportunity to go pasta la vista, and the demonic chanting of “thu-thu-THUNDAH” just grew louder. It was the most chaotic scene imaginable. Fish looked at me and chuckled. ‘Better get used to stuff like this.’

I almost shed tears of joy.

I’d finally found my people.

___

Surprising most people including myself, Fish and I got along like a house on fire. Classic anime trope- short idiot delinquent boy who’s actually really nice becomes besties with the tall brooding introverted topper (not to bRaG). We bonded. Even though we were…different. He was fun. And he brought back the dying fire of fun in me.

I also became pretty close to the aforementioned Thunder-boy and Tennis-ball-girl- their names were Tanmay (yes, that guy with the plane and bomb knowledge) and Nadia. Who were. Also grade toppers. Somehow.

Apparently Fish had joined the previous year and had become fast friends with Tanmay. The kids in their section hadn't been shuffled at all, except for me. I was the only one who didn’t already know everyone. But that changed pretty quick. Everyone was so friendly and welcoming, it felt like I’d known them for ages. Especially Fish (which is what I ended up calling him all the time).

Initially, I got the feeling Tanmay disliked me (he did). I felt this hostile energy radiating off him whenever Fish started fanboying about Eminem to me. I guessed he felt a bit put out that his best friend had betrayed him, but it’s not like he completely ignored Tanmay. I tried talking to him too, but I was often snubbed. Idiot. Anyway, I soon used his weakness (Imagine Dragons) to charm my way into his heart and boom, Tanmay suddenly loves me. The three of us became a really tight friend group. But Fish and I always did practically everything together.

I guess it was because we complemented each other really well. Fish was absolutely reckless, and he needed moi to make sure he didn’t kill himself (mom energy lol). I’d grown too withdrawn, and he helped me loosen up. And we both loved cricket.

Once, we were hanging out near the school swimming pool. It’s open and the adjoining compound opens into the school owner’s mansion. The brick wall that separates the school and house isn’t high, but no nut would dare trespass.

Except my nut best friend.

He was trying to show me this trick with his ID card, and accidentally flipped it too high. It sailed over the wall and onto the owner’s manicured lawn. We both looked at each other. Before I could say, “Don’t even think about it,” Fish had taken his shoes off and hauled himself up with the agility of a small monkey, and jumped to the other side. I held my breath and waited, and soon his head popped up over the wall, followed by the rest of his body. He sat there and swung his legs, and we realised that he’s made a Miscalculation. See, the owner’s plot was a level higher than the school ground level. So he could jump to the other side, no problem. But he couldn’t jump back to this side without breaking his ankles. So he had to carefully turn and feel for a foothold on the brick wall while hanging precariously by his fingers.

Climbing down a wall is often a much more terrifying ordeal than climbing up one, especially for a barely five foot tall child. He tried to act cool but I could see his hands tremble. Fish’s foot was just a few centimetres above a hold he couldn’t see. He gingerly placed one foot on it. Then the other.

Then he slipped.

I caught him.

I staggered back, but somehow, somehow, I didn’t lose my balance and fall and kill us both. I set him on his feet.

He beamed and waved the retrieved ID like a medal. ‘Mission accomplished.’ I laughed.

‘Thanks, dude. I thought I was gonna die. When the hell did you get so strong?’ He punched my shoulder.

‘I’m not strong, you’re just small,’ I grinned and ruffled his hair.

Fish scowled. ‘How dare you insult me? I’m not small, you guys just grow abnormally fast.’ He said that in a highly offended voice, but he was smiling.

‘Who said I was insulting you? Being short isn’t a bad thing, you know,’ I was still grinning at him. ‘Short people are cute.’ And with that I slapped his back (not gently). He howled with pain, scowling at me when I laughed at him. In revenge, he pulled my cheeks really hard. Normal affectionate guy behaviour. I almost threw him into the pool, but a P.E teacher caught us and took us to the headmistress for “causing a ruckus”.

The consequences when she found out Fish had climbed into the owner’s compound were…not pretty. I was let off because I didn’t technically do anything lol.

I don’t know why I typed out that (painful) incident but I just remembered and it was funny. And it proves the point of Fish being An Idiot who would do anything without hesitation. We did a lot of shit together. Good times.

Sixth grade was really fun, it helped me go back to being the silly kid I had always been. Even the girls weren’t jerks like the ones in my old class, they were really chill and funny. Before I knew it, the academic year had ended.

Through that summer, I desperately hoped I would have the same classmates. Sometimes my school would shuffle random classes, and the teachers had threatened our Very Disciplined Class that we’d all be separated in seventh because no one could handle such “hooligans”. I don’t know why they would say that. We were absolute Sweet Children™. Anyway, the gods must’ve taken pity on me because there was absolutely no shuffling in seventh, except one new girl who’d joined that year, and she was nice enough. I was over the moon.

Teasing and shipping was prevalent even in sixth, but it was never beyond a limit. I didn’t care about it.

If it was even possible, Fish and I grew closer that year. Both of us had grown, but I was still taller. I was one of those kids who shot up in middle school but stayed the same height after that, while all the other guys grew taller than me in high school. Sad.

___

There was a sort of cult that started in sixth and continued in seventh- the Percy Jackson cult. Everyone in my class was reading it, almost at the same pace. I started reading it late, so by the time I was done with The Last Olympian, most kids were already on The House of Hades. But I was fast, and I was catching up.

Since everyone was reading pretty much together, they all reached one scene in HOH before me. And that scene created a HUGE uproar.

I remember walking into class from the bathroom one morning, and Tanmay ran to me like Sonic and yelled ‘DUDENICOLIKESPERCY’.

‘What?’ I said. ‘Nico? The Hades kid?’ I still hadn’t started HOH.

‘YEAH, HE HAS A CRUSH ON PERCY. LIKE, HE’S IN LOVE WITH HIM.’

‘Oh,’ I said. ‘Okay.’

To be honest it didn’t exactly shock me or anything. That a guy could like another guy. I didn’t understand why Nico would like Percy of all people but hey, I get it. Percy is Percy. Apparently the Cupid scene became the most disliked part of the books, because soon everyone was cussing at him and crying over Nico. Someone engraved “FUCK EROS” on the wall. I visited my old class a few months ago, and it’s still there. Nico was a really popular character in my class so. I guess the reaction was understandable?

‘Hey, stop spoiling it for him!’ Nadia (best girl friend) scolded Tanmay. ‘He barely started Heroes of Olympus, how would he understand the context?’

‘Wait, but Percy’s still dating Annabeth, right?’ I asked. They nodded. ‘So…it’s a one-sided crush? That’s…sad.’

‘I knowwww, right?’ Nadia sighed. ‘I hope he gets a boyfriend by the end. My poor boy deserves it.’

‘Apparently he dates Will Solace,’ Tanmay added very helpfully, before either of us could stop him. ‘And what do you mean, “my poor boy”? He’s older than all of us, he’s not your son.’

Will Solace, the Apollo kid? Damn, I thought, while Nadia and Tanmay started fighting over spoiling stuff before reading them yet again.

‘Anyway, did you expect that? Nico being gay?’ Tanmay seemed unable to let this very interesting topic go. ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I got the impression he liked Annabeth.’

Tanmay was going to say something, but Fish entered the class just then. He ran to him and repeated the question with the same enthusiasm. Fish didn’t really seem to care; he was more worried about a math test he did not know was going to take place until two minutes ago.

He walked straight to me and asked me to write all the formulas for the chapter on the board and explain some tough sums to him. ‘Why do you always ask Arya for help with homework and stuff?’ Tanmay raised an eyebrow.

Fish and I blinked at him. ‘Be-cuhhhhhhs he’s smart?’

‘Well, so am I!’ Tanmay said indignantly.

‘Are you seriously jealous?’ I snorted. T glared at me. ‘Even…even Nadia’s smart, why don’t you ask her?’

Fish looked at Nadia. ‘Uhh she is, but, I don’t know?’ He grinned. ‘Are you jealous?’

Tanmay was considering the both of us carefully. ‘Nope.’

‘Great,’ Fish said, pulling me to the whiteboard and shoving a marker into my hand. ‘Then let me get the help I need to pass.’

___

Middle school boys have the irrational urge to seem cool physically (for the girls or for their own egos, who knows), which is why arm wrestling became a favourite pastime at some point. Teacher disappears for five seconds, you suddenly have an arm wrestling ring in the middle of the classroom.

I took part in them too. I guess that moment when the back of your opponent’s hand makes contact with the table filled me with some sort of heady joy because I wasn’t necessarily the strongest guy in class. I’ve heard girls snicker that arm wrestling is just an excuse for guys to hold hands and I wonder if that’s true lol. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t.

I don’t know if my feelings for Fish were purely platonic at this particular point, or ever. I don’t think I’ll ever know.

Some people talk about a moment when they “fall in love”. I don’t know if I believe that. I don’t know if it’s actually possible. But I guess this is close enough for my “at that moment…I knew”.

It was a free period. I was arm wrestling with Fish. The class was cheering. I was winning easily.

Fish was frowning from exertion. ‘Damn it,’ he panted. ‘Have some pity on me.’

‘If you’re going to try and distract me, it won’t work.’

‘You’re clearly winning, there’s no point anyway, Ari.’

‘Ari?’

‘Heh, like Ariana Grande, no?’

‘“Ari” means “rice” in my mother tongue.’

‘Then we make a pretty good South Indian meal together, eh?’ (Rice and fish curry. Both of us are South Indians)

I smiled, but said nothing, just concentrating on his arm inching closer to the table with every passing second.

And then he did something that knocked the breath out of my lungs.

He said my name.

Okay I- I know that sounds crazy. Fish must have said my name a gazillion times before. But somehow…when he said it then…the world stopped for me. I know it sounds cheesy as hell. But. Just. The way he said it. The way he just quietly said ‘Ah-Ree-Ah’ as if to himself, those three ordinary syllables that made my name, as if he was trying out their taste on his tongue and he wasn’t sure what to make of it, as if he was trying to see if it sounded special, as if he was trying to find something in it-

I went still, boisterous class and stupid wrestling match be damned. I stared at him as a shiver ran down my spine and something went tight in the base of my neck. He hadn’t noticed. He was able to gain on me, slowly pushing my arm down as my grip and my concentration wavered. The class whooped at this plot twist, oblivious to my internal panic.

But it only lasted a second.

I pushed down viciously and slammed his arm onto the desk as my friends erupted into cheers. Fish winced slightly and flashed his signature lopsided grin at me. ‘Good match, dude. You work out or something?’ He joked.

He didn’t seem to know what he’d done to me. For one second, I hated him with an intensity I hadn’t felt in a while. For one second only. Then I was flexing my wrist and laughing with him like nothing happened.

___

I guess some part of my brain had dimly registered that this was probably what kids were constantly snickering about- a crush. Did I have a crush on my best friend? When did this happen?? I wasn’t sure what to do with that information. I wasn’t sure it even mattered.

Maybe I was just a tiny bit more jumpy around him now that I was maybe sort of aware. Maybe I was a tiny bit scared. Of what? I wasn’t sure. Of him? Of myself?

I didn’t care.

He was still my dumb best friend. We still hung out. Nothing mattered. Nothing was ever going to change. And I didn’t mind that. As long as I could laugh at him making a fool out of himself and help him with math and create stupid games together, I didn’t mind.

It wasn’t going to make a difference.

___

Around the middle of the academic year, I began to notice a slight change in Fish’s behaviour. He started being more…touchy-feely? I mean, most guys in middle school (and forever after that too, actually) have zero regard for personal space around each other. Drape your arms around your bro’s shoulder, he won’t mind. But now it was different. Maybe it was because I liked him and hence was hyper-aware of every tiny thing he did, but I noticed. For starters, he jumped on me. Literally jumped onto me from behind. A lot. Then I’d give him a piggyback ride to wherever. As bros do. I thought I would get used to it but he always managed to take me by surprise and almost kill me lol. And there were other things. He’d grab my wrist or my arm a lot.

As the year went on, the stomach-somersaulting sensations got worse. And I think sometimes, I ended up staring at him like an idiot without realising it. Embarrassing.

I don’t know what Tanmay is made of, but man figured out something was up very quick. I finally worked up enough courage to talk to him because I was a confused muddle of emotions and I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

I told him I thought I might like Fish. Yes, might like. I think even though I’d sort of accepted it, I didn’t necessarily want it to be true, if that even makes sense. I was in denial, basically.

T listened to me rant and stutter without a word. Then he asked me a really simple question that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t considered earlier- ‘Do you feel the same way around Vishwesh the way you do around other guys? Like me, for example?’

Of course I didn’t.

‘Dude,’ Tanmay wasn’t even trying to hide his smile. ‘You like him.’

I said something intelligent like ‘Uh. No. I mean, maybe. I don’t know. Shit. I don’t know. At all.’

Tanmay rolled his eyes. ‘Okay, I was wrong. You like him a lot,’ he corrected helpfully.

I consider myself lucky to have him as my friend.

___

Tanmay promised not to tell anyone, but with the way I was acting and with the way Fish was suddenly…different somehow, other kids caught wind of something. They talked. And, yeah, we were shipped. Kind of. I didn’t like it only because Fish got all uncomfortable and then he’d get mad. He stopped jumping onto me like a monkey. He stopped sitting near me. All that, I could deal with. Quite honestly, I didn’t blame him for that.

Then he stopped talking to me.

He’d straight up ignore me. And obviously, that made everyone talk more.

There was a new girl I mentioned, who joined our class that year? Suddenly, she became besties with him. And he’d always talk to her very pointedly while she giggled and shit. I don’t care that this is the jealousy plot of every gay romance ever- I was burning with jealousy.

If he wanted to play like that, fine. I didn’t give a damn.

I ignored both of them pretty well.

I was angry. I was angry at him for caring so much about what we looked like that he found the need to convince other people there was nothing between us. If there wasn’t, then what was the point anyway?? Was our friendship really that fragile that one barely considerable “rumour” reduced us to strangers trying to get each others’ attention by not giving each other any attention?

And then there was the girl. She was fine when I first met her, but maybe I was just pissed off in general, but she started to piss me off more. That was probably unfair because she didn’t even do anything except talk to him when she knew I was looking.

Tanmay seemed very amused that I didn’t know what was really going on. ‘She likes you, duh.’

‘She what now?’

‘Classic girl trick. Give your best friend more attention than you to make you jealous.’

‘That…is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.’

‘It’s girl stuff.’

‘I don’t get girls.’

‘Yeah I can see that,’ he laughed. I glared at her. I saw her blush and that made me angrier. She did make me jealous- jealous of her.

‘You need to stop hating on her.’

‘It’s her fault.’

‘You know that’s not true.’

‘I know…I just…this all sucks.’

‘Maybe you should stop being such a jelly little boi.’

‘I am not being a “jelly little boi.’

‘Don’t lie to meeeeee, someone’s jellyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy-’

‘Please stop-’

‘aRi’S JeLLyYyYyYyyYyy- wait. Oh. My. God.’

‘What?’

‘I just realised…if you’re jelly…and he’s…Fish…’

‘Oh my god don’t you dare-’

‘The both of you make JELLYFISH AHAHAHAHAHAHA-’

‘I hate you.’

___

So. Yeah. Nothing really improved after that. Fish still avoided me like the plague. I caught him looking at me sometimes. I pretended not to notice. But on the inside…I missed him so much it physically hurt. I didn’t get why shit had to be so complicated. I wished everything would magically go back to the way it was.

Tanmay still hollered “JELLYFISH” at us sometimes. He liked to embarrass us that way. Maybe it was his way of trying to get us to laugh about dumb shit and talk again. I appreciate it, but it never worked.

Until the last day.

I will never understand why I chose that day of all days to confront him. What a crazy coincidence.

10th March, 2019.

Home time.

Kids were walking out of their classes, bags slung on their shoulders, happily going home. Like any other day after school ended.

Fish was walking out, too. I watched him. He resolutely turned the other way, his footsteps measured.

I couldn’t take his shit any more.

I grabbed him by the shoulder and turned him around to face me.

He was still shorter. His eyes, wide and brown, didn’t sparkle with mischief the way they did when I first looked into them.

I yelled at him. I shouldn’t have. But I yelled into his face about how he was acting like a dick and how I just wanted to be friends again and how he was acting stupid and it felt like he didn’t care about me at all and that I trusted him and if the thought, the thought grossed him out so much, that he and I could be-

I ran out of air. I just looked at him wordlessly. I didn’t know who I was angry at.

He looked back. He didn’t have anything to say either.

His silence infuriated me more than anything he could have said. I was about to turn away-

when he caught me. He caught my arm. The way he used to.

I froze.

I couldn’t breathe.

The sound I heard next shattered the horrible silence…and my heart. (dramatic music intensifies)

Fish sobbed like the world was going to end.

He was clutching me tight, so tight it hurt. The front of my shirt was wet- with his tears. I felt dizzy. What the heck was going on? If anyone should be crying, it should be me-

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered into my shirt. ‘I’m so fucking sorry, Arya. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sorry.’

I can still hear him say those words, clear as day.

The next thing I knew, we weren’t hugging anymore. The image of his tear-streaked face was plastered in my mind as I staggered out of school and walked home, the only depressed soul amidst a crowd of cheerful middle school kids.

That was the last time I ever saw him.

Because the next day, school announces shutdown due to a positive COVID-19 case on our street. And that shutdown was followed by a nationwide one.

Idiot messages me two days later saying he’s moving away to another country and he didn’t want to tell me because he was being an asshole and he felt miserable overall.

I wasn’t even sure I was angry anymore. I was so tired of being angry at him. I was…sad I was the last one to know. I was sad he was moving away. Sad that things seemed to end like this.

We never really talk about that. I don’t know if we’re pretending it never happened, or we’re just acknowledging that neither of us really knew what the heck we were doing. Stupid middle school shit.

We talk now, and I don’t like him like that anymore. Out of sight, out of mind and all that I guess.

That doesn’t stop me from wondering What if? though.

#you put it into words #is it just me or is the meaning of 'being cool' when you're young a bit synonymous with feeling more free #hence us feeling more cool and carefree as kids #we lose fun parts of ourself because life gets serious #and we call it emotional and mental maturity #i mean okay they're good things but then again why did i feel better without them #my friend is still very cool #she plays guitar and is also a swiftie haha #yeah you don't want to picture a separated couple #it's sad even if it is necessary #and like you said worse for the kid #she's doing very well now but still #and i think her not getting to see her dad is okay #her mom hardly got a healthy life with him #i was just 10 and even i could see that

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