#i'm about to fucking permanently disable sleep entirely at this point before i snap this thing over my fucking knee

[softgrungeprophet]

every reviewer who wrote that the acer aspire 5 is a good budget laptop owes me $700

[nitr0m-nik]

Ok I'm gonna rant

I love how my government has made it nearly fucking impossible to live as someone who is disabled and unable to work

I want to move out of my mother's apartment. I want to get away from the giant fucking mess that follows her and my sister everywhere we go. I want to get away from their bullshit. The negativity. The fucking screaming and punching holes in walls. The stomping around because they're angry bullshit. The slamming shit down. The snapping every rime you talk to them. The constant criticisms for talking too quietly or too loud, walking to quietly or too loud, for being depressed or anxious. Having to constantly listen to them complain about everything in life and not being allowed to say that it might be their fault, or that they might be in the wrong, because God forbid someone says anything that insults them. Not being able to be in MY bed in MY room because my sister and I share a room, and she and her boyfriend fight constantly, and she can't control her anger. I've been sleeping on my mother's couch for 3-4 years. I haven't had my own space since 2018. I had a job and was working on getting my own place. I was saving up my money. Then the fucking pandemic happened and I got laid off. A couple months go by, and then BAM I now have an autoimmune disease that's eating away at my nerve ending, which eventually fucking paralyzes me. Now I'm fucking permanently disabled worse than I was before I got sick. Now I have to wait on approval for housing, and that'll take a nice couple of years. I've been getting progressively more and more fucking depressed over the past 6 years, and I feel like it's gotten as bad as it can.

I went online to see what I can do do speed up the pieces of shit in the govt to give me the voucher or something, and there's nothing! If you're disabled by something at some point, but you don't have some sort of already established support system, you're basically dead. They want us to fucking die. There's no money in providing for the disabled, so why keep us alive?

I've talked to 2 different therapists, both of them tried to find ways to get me into my own place for the sake of my mental wellbeing. There's literally nothing they can do. I have a care manager. He can't do anything.

The only advice online for disabled people in need of a place to live is to get some roommates and a job. I can't fucking work. I am not living with anyone after I get away from my family. Why THE FUCK should I have to deal with people IN MY HOME when the reason I want to move out is because there are two fucking slobs that I ALREADY SHARE A HOME WITH??

Mess makes me anxious and depressed. Grime makes me anxious and depressed.

Dirty carpets, smelly ass cat litter boxes, piles of dirty laundry, out in the open, on the floor. Mountains of shit that's being hoarded. Dirty, sticky counter tops, piles of dishes in the sink, on the counters, and on the tables. The holes in the walls from both of them punching and kicking them. The puncture marks from my sister stabbing the wall with scissors. The loose hairs that are everywhere. The piles of my mom's shit on every flat surface that she can find, including the ground.

I've wanted to get away from it for so, so, so fucking long, but now I probably won't be able to. I wanted to be able to live my 20s out happily since I had such a shit childhood, but nope. I feel still feel like I'm 14, trapped with my mother and sister in the same shithole apartment we've lived almost my entire life.

I get told to pray, like I haven't been praying for the same thing since I was a child. Nothing happens. Nothing ever helps. God doesn't listen to me. It doesn't feel like he listens to anyone who actually needs the help. The only people to live happy, fulfilling lives were born into well-off families in wealthy countries. There are people in multiple different countries who are undergoing a genocide. There are millions of homeless people, and those who aren't homeless are on the verge of being homeless. There is a not insignificant amount of people starving to death all around the globe. Multiple countries tipping towards being fascist.

Whatever man I'm so fucking done