#i'll date if someone creates and android that is programed to be my perfect partner in life 😆

[autisticlee]

I feel like rambling/expanding more on this thought/idea so i'll do it as less of a reply to the above and more of just getting lost in a related ramble (so disclaimer, it's not a direct response to the above because I get very lost in attempting to put thoughts into words lol @ person I'm reblogging from, I hope it doesn't feel like i'm trying to dismiss what youre saying or anything! I appreciate you're response/what youre trying to say^^)

I wouldn't say i'm lonely because i'm not dating, but more because i'm uninterested in dating in a world that's dominated by it being "the most important thing in life" while being unable to form deep, lasting bonds and connections with anyone due to being autistic, which leads to people treating me poorly, me accidentally doing things wrong, and simply enjoying alone time more than others, which leads to accidental isolation. (when you don't usually feel lonely while actually alone, because being around people is what triggers you're lonliness, it becomes easy to accidentally isolate and not talk to anyone at all.)

the fact that most people by 30 already have their own Important™ connections (a significant other, best friend(s) they've had for years, and/or family they're close with like their own kids) makes it difficult to get them to open up to new ones (not that they don't form new connections or can't, it's just less likely they want to or feel the need to), especially one that takes more than minimal effort to maintain. therefore, they are less likely to put any effort into me. the older i get, the less "fish in the sea," so to speak, not even in a dating sense. most of those fish are minnows and I can't swim in their school anymore.

even if I make friends, that superficial bond isn't strong enough to touch the deep lonely feeling. often, a group of friends can make it feel worse. the type of bond I want is often mistaken as me wanting to date someone. I've lost friends who accused me of this and block me when I thought maybe they were the best friend I was looking for but they misinterpreted it as me "having feelings." this convinces me I can't form the type of bond I want with a person who has a partner or wants a partner. it's not dating. it's not romantic feelings. they compare it to that and reject me. it's a secret third thing I can't explain 😅

it's easy to tell someone to not focus on dating and work on yourself and not equate your worth to your relationship status. I tell everyone this. it helps no one hahaha (except one girl. she's thriving now after I talked her into taking time for herself and not date for now after a nasty breakup and i'm proud of her! she got so far after that!) but when that loneliness comes from a deeper part/reason that isn't about relationship status, especially as someone who never dated before, never tried, and never had the desire to, it's a bit harder to get past that one 😅 in this situation, you probably sat with yourself long enough to know your worth and value, therefore making it even harder to form bonds due to having very high standards and being extremely picky. most flaky relationships aren't worth your value.

there's way too much emphasis on dating when you don't want to do it and everyone around you swears it's what you're Supposed To Do. I frankly feel left out even if i don't want it. as I get older, people my age become more content with their partner/family and are less likely to try diving into new friendships. if they aren't dating, they're more likely to fill their loneliness with dating. regular friendships also don't touch the type of loneliness I feel anyway. I say I need a "partner" probably, but I don't mean a date/significant other. I need someone that matches my energy and fits naturally with me, forming the complex connection that is so vague I can't even describe it. it's all based on vibes and feelings and I can't explain that 😅 "I need a person in my life that makes me feel this extremely complex and vague way I can't explain and matches very specific vibes and energy that i also cant describe in words" doesn't help me, but that's all I have to go by 😂 they also must be a loyal life partner but we don't go on dates and it's not all cheesy and romantic.

I get what you're saying (person I reblogged from), by virtue of not being the only one that’s single, struggling to find a partner, or etc, that means you're technically alone. that is true, yes. that's why finding out I was autistic/asexual and seeing others like me was so important. but it only works for certain things and only goes so far. living your whole life without experiencing a single close bond with another person, that you know even dating probably won't solve, is quite a difficult level of loneliness to escape when it goes against human nature of being a social species that needs bonds.

it doesn't help when people tell me to date someone and it will go away (ive actually had many people say this to me, lmao). especially when they try to make you date them because they're also lonely and think dating is The Only Way To Happiness (it's not).

I don't think there's a way to solve my specific brand of loneliness unless i formed a deep bond that met the vague and confusing criteria i need. humans are a social species. forming bonds is meant to keep us healthy. when you're impaired to that bond-making, it can feel like you're the only one alone in a crowded room.

words are hard, and i'm too tired to proofread. apologies if anyone reads this and it makes no sense lmao

it kind of sucks when all your friends and family, everyone you know, are all pairing off and getting married and havinf families, except you. you're the only one that doesn't have a partner and probably can/will never get one. especially if one around you has time for you anymore, they never reach out, never get back to you, because they're only focused on their partners and families. you're stuck alone and drift away from everyone through no fault of your own. you have no hope of finding your own partner or no motivation to look for one for whatever reason. the lack of connections while seeing everyone around you having their own can get overwhelmingly lonely at times....