#i'll be waiting for the update & keeping my fingers crossed ALWAYS

[pardonmydelays]

"not sure if that's a job for me tho, i was excited after my first day but now i am more like... confused? people are nice, which is great, but it's not exactly the kind of job i was looking for so idk. i may start looking for something else if nothing changes (i promised myself i'm not gonna stay if i don't like it cause i usually make this mistake & then i'm stuck in a place i fucking hate for 2+ years, not this time tho)."

*this is a different anon!* That's unfortunate, I'm sorry about that. It's okay if you don't want to or even can't, but may I ask what industry? And, is it retail again? I'm still on the job hunt myself, and I'm hoping to have a new job before May 31, 2024. That definitely sounds realistic, however, I need the hiring manager to believe in ME and give me a chance. I swear they won't regret hiring me. Ha. Anyways... is there an industry you're genuinely interested in and want to learn more about? Management skills are never a bad thing to pick up on and to your résumé! That's technically retail, but whatever, lol. I hope you're doing well!

(Once a BIG update (or more) happens to me, then I'll direct message you, by the way.)

~🌼

omg, hi! it's been a while! 🥺

so i don't want to give you any details, but long story short, it's an office job but you still have to talk to customers, just not face to face but through phone calls. i don't think it's right for me tho & i'm ready to quit any day now 😂 i don't even want any specific career, i just... don't want to talk to them anymore because i fucking hate them (after my 7-year experience i definitely know i wasn't born to be a customer assistant, they make me want to kill myself, i'm a depressed piece of shit & i blame them for that a little bit). the only job i actually liked was my first, in a bookstore (i had amazing team & i was working with something i truly loved), i miss it every day. but i am also very interested in just making money to survive, you know. i just don't want to feel so stressed every time i go there & so far i really feel like i want to throw up when i wake up in the morning & i barely even sleep at night. it sucks. i'm just really tired & i want to cry.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

All In 11

No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as noncon/dubcon, age gap, power imbalance, low self esteem, and possible untagged elements. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: you meet a mysterious man on a night out with your sister. (petite!reader)

based on the winning option for this poll

Characters: casino owner!Bucky Barnes

Note: it's a new week

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me.

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Please do not just put ‘more’. I will block you.

I love you all immensely. Take care. 💖

Your phone buzzes against your leg, ripping you back to reality. Your eyes widen and drift away from the stream of font. You sit up and mark the page with your finger as you reach for the jittering cell. 

You scramble to grab onto it and hesitate to hit the big green button. The screen doesn't look like usual, not that you get many calls. You tap the button and the image changes at once, Bucky startling you as he appears. 

"Hey, doll," he grins and winks at you, moving the camera to lean against something. "How's it going?" 

"Uhhhh," you drone, surprised. He can see you too. You know by the little reflection of yourself in the corner. "Hi. Fine." You put the book down with no mind to losing the page, "um, you?" 

"You busy, doll?" 

"Reading but... no." 

"Mm," he hums, "glad to see you enjoying your treats but... no pajamas?" 

He steps back and you get a view of him from waist up, the edge of a counter in the lower edge. You pout then give a sheepish smile, "sorry, I haven't... had a chance." 

"That's okay, doll, I just wanted a peek before I went to work," he undoes his shirt button by button and pulls it off, revealing his muscular torso. You gulp at the lines of his muscle along his stomach, "why don't you put them on now and give me a look." 

"Oh, uh..." you glance at the wall. It's late. You're pretty sure Roxie already left for work and your mom will probably be settling down. "Right, uh..." 

"Just want something to think of when I walk the floor," he purrs. 

"Sure, er," you nearly choke, "I'll just-- one sec." 

"I can wait, doll. I've been waiting, haven't I?" He purrs. 

You feel a pang of guilt. You place the phone down so the lens faces the ceiling and climb off the bed. He's given you a lot, too much honestly, and now you feel like you owe him. It isn't fair to take his kindness without anything in return. And he isn't asking much, is he? 

You dig in the bag, the crinkle loud as the only other noise is the subtle movement from his end. You fish out the soft pajamas and peer over, making certain the phone is still flat. You change far away from it, paranoid. 

You look down at yourself in the tank and shorts. Oh gosh. It's a lot less than you usually wear. Your legs are showing, your shoulders, and a bit of your tummy. 

"Doll?" He says and you flinch. 

"I don't know... I don't think it fits." 

"I'm sure it fits just nice," he insists, "show me." 

"Oh, uh..." 

"I'm just looking, doll, I'll only think of what I really wanna do," he snickers. 

You cross back to the bed and pick up the phone, careful to stay out of view. You turn back and prop it up on the dresser, overly aware of the unflattering angle as you do. You give a wide-eyed look and back up so you're all in frame.  

You hug yourself shyly and sway. 

"Let me see ya," he orders. 

You put your arms straight and notice how he leans in to look at the screen, smoothing his hair back. He keeps his hands over his dark strands and growls. A flutter starts in your stomach. 

"What do you mean too small? That fits your perfect," he says. 

"I... really?" 

"Sure, doll," he turns and you realise he's getting ready.  

He combs his hair stands straight. He grabs a new shirt and buttons it as he peeks again. You near the camera and move it so he can only see your face.  

"Damn, doll, I'm gonna be all over the place," he says, "you're so sweet and sexy." 

"Bucky," you squeak.  

"I don't lie. That's the one thing you should know about me. I will always let you know exactly what I want." 

You blush hotly and a tap on the door nearly makes you drop the phone. You hide it behind you and shuffle closer. You clear your throat. 

"Uh, yeah?" You call through. 

"Hey, honey, everything okay in there?" She asks. Shoot, she must have heard you. 

"I'm watching something," your heart hammers, "sorry, I'll turn it down."

"It's alright, honey. Just thought I heard you..."

"No, just a show," you wisp out.

You quickly back away and go as far from the door as you can. You look down at the phone as Bucky tucks in his shirt. Ugh, that was embarrassing. He heard all that; surely he must realise how lame you are. 

"Mom sounds real sweet," he says, "must be where you get it." 

"She's working tomorrow. Don't wanna keep her up," you explain quietly. 

"That's too bad, doll. I'll just have to keep waiting... wanting," he shrugs and pulls on a dark jacket, "what do ya think? Look good?" 

He poses for the camera. He looks great, as always. You feel smaller than ever. 

"Yes," you answer softly. 

"Yes? That's it?" He sounds disappointed. 

"Very handsome," you eke out. 

"Handsome?" He squints as he picks up the phone. 

"Er," you search your repertoire and borrow from his, "sexy?" 

"Are you asking or telling me?" He chuckles. 

You giggle. You don't think you've ever told anyone they are sexy. You've never been that bold. 

"Yes." 

"Yes?" He laughs. 

"You're, er, oh, sexy," you touch your hot cheek and look away. 

"You are adorable, doll," he growls, "that's exactly what I need to hear." He grazes his fingertips over his beard, "unfortunately I gotta get on it so... tomorrow." 

"Tomorrow," you confirm. 

"Don't worry about a thing, doll, just bring your gorgeous self." 

🃏

The next day is restless. It's worse having hours to wait around for... what? You don't know. 

You spend your time reading, or trying to. Breakfast is small, what your roiling stomach can handle, and you put on an outfit that you think is acceptable, not that you have much to choose from. It might be strange if your mom or Roxie notice the lack of uniform. You could say you change at work? 

Ugh, lie after lie. It's all so much.  

You don't get very far in the book and your phone buzzes, a reminder from Bucky that your fate is coming. You grab your purse and sit out on the stoop, the sunlight beaming down. It would be a nice say if you were so damn uptight. 

Merv pulls up in the sleek luxury car and you get up, checking over your shoulder to see if there's any curious tug on the curtain. Your mom's already at work but Roxie is puttering around somewhere. She could be sleeping or not. 

Merv gets out to greet you. He opens the door and you thank him. He sits in the driver's seat and Springsteen drones from the radio. You smile as he shifts into gear. 

"I know this one," you say. 

"Of course, a classic," he praises. "And how are you today, miss?" 

"Good, you, sir?" 

He laughs as he steers, "very good, miss. And how could I not be." He peeks at you in the rear view, "with sunshine in my backseat." 

You smile bashfully and cross your legs. You can't help the shake in your foot. You're more and more nervous with each second and turn of the wheel. 

As if noticing your unease, he turns up the music, "I like this one too." 

You sigh and ease into the drumbeat. The tempo keeps your heartbeat in check. You're thankful for his subtle comfort. 

You turn to watch through the tinted windows. You never noticed how scenic this city is. You never went many places to have the chance. 

He keeps the volume up and you let it carry you through the long journey across the city. He pulls up to the casino and steers around to the hotel entrance. You peer through then back at him in confusion. He turns the knob down. 

"Mr. Barnes says to give your name at the desk," Merv instructs, "have a good day." 

"Thanks, you too," you unbuckle the seat belt and sidle across to the door. 

You get out with reticence. Staring up at the grand facade, you're more unsure than you've ever been. You've come this far, you have to keep going. You really have no choice as Merv slowly rolls away.  

You step forward. It doesn't get easier the further you get. Your pulse hammers behind your ear as you enter the lobby and a flash of deja vu overcomes you. That night with Roxie, the morning after, and everything since. How does it all feel as if it happened so fast and yet so long ago? 

You go to the desk, feeling entirely out of place. What if Merv is wrong and you shouldn't be there? What if they just look at you and laugh? No choice, keep going. 

You stop on the other side of the desk and give a stiff smile. 

"Hello, welcome, checking in?" The modelesque concierge asks. She's stunning and you're all the more self-aware. 

"Uh, I think? My name is..." 

She keeps her pristine smile in place and her eyes lights up. She doesn't even bother typing into her computer. She flits away and returns with one of little folders with the room keys inside. Oh, this is really happening. 

You thank her and slowly back away. You make a slow advance towards the elevator and wait beside a couple with their suitcases. You step on with them, avoiding a glimpse through the transparent walls.  

You unfold the folio and read the number, pushing the floor number, then stand back on your heels. You keep your eyes on the door, the motion alone making you dizzy. 

The couple gets off before you. When it's your floor, you thankfully scramble off and take a deep breath. You once more check the number and follow the hallways to your assigned suite. 

You swipe the card several times, you still don't have the hang of it. The door opens and you enter meekly. You focus on every move. Shut the door, slip the card back in the folder, put it down on the corner table. 

You look up at last and let yourself marvel at the suite as you delve further in. The smell of pollen greets you with a large bouquet of roses. The suite is huge, even bigger than last time. Two rooms just the same and a full kitchenette and spacious bathroom. You don't go onto the balcony, not wanting to test your stomach. 

You go back inside and glance over the table draped in a red tablecloth beneath the crystal vase of flowers. There's also a tray of chocolate-dipped strawberries and various colours of macarons. You've never had the delicate cookies before but you'd watch countless recipe videos, wishing on day to try them yourself. 

There's an envelope too. You take it and run your nail along the sealed flap. You open it carefully and slip out the card within. 

'Enjoy yourself, doll. I'll join you shortly. B.' 

As if on cue, there's a knock on the door. Oh gosh, you're not ready. What does he mean? Join you? You hoped for a little long before... before... 

You stand frozen but when the door doesn't open itself, you go to answer it. You slowly twist the long handle and open it just a crack. You peer around the edge and blink in confusion. 

"Hello, dahling," the woman's affectation drags out her syllables, "well look at you, how precious." 

She presses on the door and you let her force her way in. You're dumbfounded. Who the heck is she? Another long-legged beauty you can't compare too. 

"Lovely hair," she remarks as she closes the door without a care, "oh, and your skin, yes, perfect canvas..." 

"Sorry, er, I think you have the wrong room--" 

"Mr. Barnes sent me, dahling," she trills in her way, "and I see you are very much in need of my visit so let's begin. Mm, yes, I have a vision," she struts forward, a rose gold chest in her hand, "not very much, you have a natural lustre I adore." 

You retreat as she advances on you. She lifts her chest onto the chaise and flips back the lid, revealing an assortment of precisely organized palettes and tubes. You're horrified and humiliated as you realise why she's there. Maybe you aren't as pretty as Bucky keeps telling you. 

[kat-thepoet]

Veins of Violet

Logan Howlett X Fem!Reader

Part 6: Gem bracelet

A/N: Hi all! Hope you guys are enjoying the story! Make sure to comment to be added to my tag list if you want to get notified when I post. Enjoy! 💜🩵

Previous Chapters ☞ HERE ☜

5.6k words

Wade had talked to his boss about what the guy running one of the drug warehouses had said. They assured him they'd keep us in the loop with any updates, but days had passed, and we hadn't heard anything. It was frustrating, but we knew this kind of waiting game was part of the deal. So, we went on with our lives, trying not to let the uncertainty hang over us.

I was still working at the flower shop with Laura, who had been under the weather lately. Wade and Logan had been going on missions without me since I had to cover some of Laura's shifts this week. I didn't mind, though—I enjoyed the quiet of the shop and the routine of arranging flowers, even if it meant missing out on the action. Logan and I had settled into a routine of our own. We made it a habit to have dinner together every evening, a small but comforting ritual that kept us connected despite our different schedules. Logan was always gone early in the morning, and I usually didn't come home until late afternoon after my shift. But no matter how busy the day had been, we always made time for dinner.

As I chopped vegetables for tonight's meal, my mind wandered to my upcoming birthday. It felt strange to think about, like crossing some invisible line into a new chapter of my life. I wasn't sure how I felt about it—excited, nervous, maybe a bit of both. 

Logan had been acting a little different lately, too—more attentive, more present. It felt as if we were becoming friends. The thought of it made me smile as I continued preparing dinner, the scent of garlic and herbs filling the kitchen.

In a few days, I'll be thirty. It felt like a milestone, and despite everything that had happened, I was looking forward to it. Maybe it was because, for the first time in a long while, I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be—working a job I enjoyed, living with people I cared about, and sharing dinners with someone who had become more important to me than I ever expected.

Logan stepped out of the shower, steam trailing behind him as he walked into the hallway, a towel slung low around his waist. His hair was damp, the droplets catching the light as they clung to the ends, and his muscles rippled subtly with each movement.

 I glanced up from the stove as he entered the kitchen, offering him a small smile. "Dinner's almost ready," I said, my voice casual, but I couldn't help but let my eyes linger on him for a moment longer than usual.

Logan nodded, his expression softening as he approached the counter. "Smells good," he murmured, his deep voice carrying a note of appreciation.

I turned back to the stove, giving the pasta one last stir before switching off the burner. "I hope you're hungry," I said, reaching for a pair of plates.

"Always," Logan replied, and though his tone was light, there was something in his eyes that made my heart skip a beat. He walked back to his room and came out with a black shirt and pajama pants that I bought for him at the store when I went shopping with Vanessa. 

As I plated the food, the comfortable silence between us was almost tangible. We'd grown used to these quiet moments—the kind where no words were needed; just the simple act of being together was enough. But tonight, there was something else—a subtle undercurrent that made the air feel charged, like we were both waiting for something, though neither of us knew exactly what.

I handed Logan his plate, and our fingers brushed briefly, sending a small jolt of electricity through me. 

"Here you go," I said, trying to ignore the flutter in my chest. 

"Thanks bub," Logan said, taking the plate from me, his fingers lingering just a moment longer than necessary. His gaze met mine, and for a second, it felt like the world around us had quieted, leaving just the two of us in this small, shared space. But then the moment passed, and Logan turned to take his seat at the table, leaving me to follow. As I sat down across from him, I couldn't help but wonder what exactly was brewing beneath the surface. 

After we finished eating, Logan got up to wash the dishes, which had become part of our routine—he'd clean up whenever I cooked. I appreciated it more than he probably knew; it was one of those small gestures that made our arrangement feel less like just two people sharing a space and more like... something else. As he stood at the sink, his broad shoulders flexing slightly under his t-shirt, I decided to set up a movie for us to watch. I'd been slowly introducing Logan to pop culture, with Wade chipping in occasionally, and tonight felt like the perfect time to share one of my favorites from childhood: It, the 1990s version. It was one of those films that had both terrified and fascinated me as a kid, and I was curious to see how Logan would react to it. I popped in the DVD, the familiar logo flickering on the screen, and adjusted the pillows on the couch, making it as cozy as possible. Logan finished up in the kitchen and joined me, drying his hands on a towel before tossing it aside.

"What's this one about?" he asked, eyeing the screen as he settled in next to me, the warmth of his presence immediately noticeable.

"It's a horror film," I replied, a small smile playing on my lips. "About a creepy clown named Pennywise. It scared the hell out of me when I was younger, but it's a classic. Thought it'd be a good one to show you since you missed out on all the pop culture stuff."

Logan raised an eyebrow, clearly intrigued. "A clown, huh? Can't say I've ever found them particularly scary."

I chuckled, leaning back into the couch. "Yeah, well, let's see if this one changes your mind."

As the movie played, the familiar eerie music filling the room, I found myself occasionally glancing over at Logan to see his reaction. It was subtle, just a quick look here and there, but I was curious if he was enjoying it or if he found the whole thing ridiculous. Logan sat with his usual stoic expression, his eyes focused on the screen. He didn't flinch during the jump scares, and I couldn't quite tell if he was genuinely interested or just being polite. But every now and then, I noticed the slightest twitch at the corner of his mouth or the way his fingers drummed lightly against his leg during tense moments. It was clear he was engaged, even if he wasn't showing it in the typical way. I smiled to myself, finding a quiet comfort in the fact that we could share this moment. It wasn't just about introducing him to a part of my childhood; it was about seeing how our worlds could blend together, even in something as simple as watching a movie.

As the long three-hour movie hit the two-hour mark, the room's atmosphere had settled into a cozy lull. The tension of the film's earlier scenes had passed, leaving behind a quieter, more introspective part of the story. My eyelids began to feel heavy, the day's exhaustion finally catching up with me. Without realizing it, I leaned against Logan, my head finding a comfortable spot on his shoulder. The warmth from his body, combined with the steady rise and fall of his breathing, was soothing. It was a stark contrast to the eerie ambiance of the movie playing on the screen. My consciousness drifted, the lines between the film and reality blurring as I succumbed to sleep. 

Logan, feeling the sudden weight against his shoulder, glanced down at Violet. His expression softened as he noticed she had fallen asleep. He stayed perfectly still, not wanting to disturb her, though the unexpected closeness caught him off guard. There was something protective in the way he sat there, allowing her to rest against him, his usual guarded demeanor giving way to a rare moment of tenderness. As the movie continued to play, Logan kept his eyes on the screen, but his attention was divided. He was acutely aware of the soft rhythm of her breathing, the way her hair brushed against his arm, and the undeniable warmth of the moment that had quietly formed between them.

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A few days had passed since that movie night with Logan, and now, it was my birthday—the big thirty. I woke up late, the soft morning light filtering through the curtains, promising a beautiful day ahead. There was a quiet excitement in the air, a feeling that today would be special. As I stretched and reached for my phone, I saw that it was already noon. Two notifications caught my eye, both simple but sweet reminders that people were thinking of me today. The first was from Vanessa, a bright "Happy Birthday!" with a string of emojis. The second was from Wade, in typical Wade fashion, a slightly more chaotic but equally heartfelt birthday message. I smiled to myself, feeling a warmth in my chest. Wade and Logan were out on a mission, so I had the apartment all to myself. It was unusual for me to wake up so late, but today, it felt right to indulge in a slow morning. I had the whole day ahead of me, and the possibilities felt endless. As I got out of bed and made my way to the kitchen, I couldn't help but wonder what the day would bring. There was something about birthdays that made everything seem a little brighter, a little more magical.

I put on my music and blasted it in my room while I sipped on my homemade iced coffee. The familiar beats filled the space, setting a vibrant tone for the day. As I got ready, I couldn't help but reflect on how much had changed over the past year. Life had taken unexpected turns, some challenging and others surprisingly wonderful. 

Logan's presence in my life was one of those surprises. He had entered my world in a way I hadn't anticipated, and now, looking back, I realized how much I appreciated having him around. He wasn't the type to openly admit it, but I knew we had become close. There was a comfort in our routine, in the way we shared meals and moments of quiet together. 

I decided to take my time getting dressed, choosing something that made me feel good—comfortable yet pretty. I slipped into a soft blue pastel mini dress that hugged my curves in all the right places, making me feel confident and effortlessly chic. The color complemented my skin tone, and the fit was just right, accentuating my figure without being too over the top. I let my hair fall naturally, the soft waves framing my face in a way that felt relaxed and authentic. For makeup, I kept it light and fresh, just a touch of mascara to bring out my eyes and a hint of blush to give my cheeks a natural glow. I finished it off with a swipe of lip gloss, nothing too bold, just enough to make me feel put together. It was my day, and I wanted to feel at ease—comfortable in my skin, enjoying the simple pleasures of the moment.

Vanessa had planned a girls' day out since she had the day off today, and we agreed that 2 o'clock would be the perfect time to meet up. To start my birthday right, I made myself a special breakfast—two pancakes topped with whipped cream and sprinkles. It was a tradition my grandparents had started, making this exact breakfast for me every year on my birthday. It's a tradition I will never break, no matter what.

As I sat at the kitchen table, the sweet scent of pancakes filling the room, memories of my grandparents flooded my mind. They had always made my birthdays special, and even though they were gone, their love and warmth still lingered in these small, cherished moments. Tears welled up in my eyes, the ache of missing them sharper on days like this. But I quickly took a deep breath, reminding myself that today was supposed to be a fun day, not one filled with sorrow. Wiping away the tears, I focused on the joy they would have wanted me to feel, determined to make the most of this day and honor their memory by celebrating the way they always had—with love, laughter, and a little bit of sweetness.

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It was finally 2 o'clock when I heard a knock on my door. I was in the middle of washing my dishes, so I used my powers to unlock the door, yelling, "Come in!"

Vanessa walked in with a big smile on her face, her energy contagious as she practically ran over to me, wrapping me in a tight hug.

"Happy birthday, Vi!" she exclaimed, squeezing me like she hadn't seen me in years, even though it had only been a few days.

I laughed, returning the hug just as tightly. "Thanks, Nessa. You're in a good mood!"

"Of course I am! It's your big day, and we're going to make it amazing!" she said, finally pulling back but keeping her hands on my shoulders, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "I've got the whole day planned, and trust me, you're going to love it."

Her enthusiasm was infectious, and I couldn't help but smile back at her. "Alright, alright. I'm ready for whatever you've got in store."

"Good," she said, giving me one last squeeze before letting go. "Now, let's get going. The day's not going to celebrate itself!"

I grabbed my purse, and with one last glance at my cozy apartment, we headed out the door, ready to take on whatever adventures Vanessa had planned for my special day.

As we walked in the hallway, Vanessa kept the conversation lively, talking about all the fun things we were going to do. We laughed and joked as we walked, the day already feeling special with just the two of us together.

But as we were heading down the street, Vanessa suddenly stopped and snapped her fingers. 

"Oh shoot, I forgot my bag at my place. We need to swing by and grab it real quick."

I smiled, shaking my head. "No problem. You and that bag, I swear."

She laughed, looping her arm through mine as we changed direction toward her apartment. "Hey, a girl's got to be prepared, right?"

It didn't take long to reach her place, and as we approached the door, Vanessa seemed a little more excited than usual. She fumbled with her keys, her hands practically shaking with anticipation, which I found a bit odd but didn't think much of Finally, she swung the door open, and I stepped inside, expecting the usual cozy vibe of her place. But instead, I was greeted by the sight of streamers, balloons, and a huge "Happy Birthday, Violet!" banner hanging across the living room.

"Surprise!" a chorus of voices shouted, startling me as a crowd of our friends, including Wade and even Logan, who I thought was on a mission, popped out from behind furniture and decorations.

I stood there, completely stunned, my mouth hanging open in shock. "Oh my God," I whispered, taking in the scene. "You guys..."

Vanessa beamed, her eyes shining with happiness as she grabbed my hand. "Happy Birthday, Vi! We couldn't let you celebrate this big day without throwing you a party!"

Wade was the first to rush over, pulling me into a dramatic bear hug. "You're growing up so fast, sugar plum," he said in a mockingly sentimental tone, his voice dripping with exaggerated emotion. He even pretended to wipe away a tear, adding to the theatrics.

I couldn't help but laugh, playfully shoving him away. "Oh, shut up, Wade," I said, rolling my eyes but smiling at his antics. "You're impossible."

Wade grinned, clearly pleased with himself. "But you love me anyway, don't you, birthday girl?" he teased, wrapping an arm around my shoulders as we both looked around at the party in full swing.

I laughed, still in disbelief. "I honestly had no idea... This is amazing!" Logan stepped forward, a small, almost shy smile on his face. "Happy Birthday, Violet," he said, his voice gruff but sincere.I felt a warmth spread through me at his words, a smile tugging at my lips as I met his gaze. "Thank you, Logan," I replied softly, appreciating the genuine sentiment behind his simple words.There was a brief moment of silence, and in that pause, I could feel the connection between us, something unspoken but understood. It was a small, quiet moment in the midst of the party, but it meant the world to me. Vanessa squeezed my hand, pulling me back into the moment. "Come on, let's get this party started! We've got food, drinks, and plenty of surprises left."

As the music kicked in and everyone started to mingle, I found myself smiling from ear to ear. This was more than I could have ever asked for—a day surrounded by the people I cared about, feeling loved and appreciated. It was the perfect start to a new chapter in my life.

After hours of drinking and laughter, I felt the fatigue creeping in, and I quietly slipped away from the crowd, finding solace on the couch. The noise from the back of the apartment seemed distant as I sank into the cushions, taking a moment to breathe.

Not long after, Logan appeared, walking over to me with his usual calm demeanor. He sat down next to me—not too close, but close enough that I could catch the faint scent of beer on his breath as he leaned in slightly.

"I didn't want to give you this in front of everyone else," he began, his voice low and a bit hesitant. "But I got this bracelet for you. I thought you might like it... I don't know, if you don't like it, it's okay."

He held out a small box, his expression a mix of uncertainty and hope. I could tell he wasn't used to giving gifts, especially something as personal as this, and it made the gesture all the more meaningful.

I took the box from him, feeling the weight of the moment as I opened it. Inside was a delicate bracelet, simple yet beautiful, with a small charm that caught the light just right. It was understated, something that could be worn every day, and I could tell he had put thought into choosing it.

"It's perfect," I said softly, my fingers brushing over the charm as I looked up at him. "Thank you, Logan. I love it."

Relief washed over his face, and he gave a small nod, his gaze softening. "I'm glad," he replied, his voice carrying that familiar gruffness, but with a warmth that made my heart flutter.

I smiled, feeling a surge of affection for this man who had become such an important part of my life. "It means a lot that you thought of me."

Logan didn't say anything, but the look in his eyes spoke volumes. We sat there in comfortable silence for a while, the party noise fading into the background, both of us content to share this quiet, intimate moment. 

⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿⦿

It was around nine o'clock when the party started winding down, and people began to filter out. Vanessa, still full of energy, suggested we should all head to the club just a short walk from here to keep the celebration going. Everyone agreed enthusiastically, and the idea of dancing and letting loose sounded perfect after the night we'd had. But as I glanced down at the pastel blue dress I was wearing, I realized it wasn't exactly club material.

"I'm going to head back to my apartment to change first," I said, and Vanessa nodded with understanding.

"Good idea," she said with a grin. "You've got that black mini dress I got you for Christmas, right? It's perfect for tonight."

"Exactly what I was thinking," I replied with a smile.

We all decided to meet back at the club once I was ready. As I made my way to my apartment, I felt a wave of excitement wash over me. It had been a while since I'd had a night out like this, and I was looking forward to letting loose. Once I got home, I quickly changed into the black mini dress. It was sleek and fitted, hugging my curves in all the right places. The fabric shimmered slightly under the light, and as I looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn't help but feel a surge of confidence. This was definitely more fitting for a night out. With a final touch-up to my makeup and a spritz of perfume, I grabbed my purse and headed out the door, ready to rejoin the others and make this birthday one to remember.

As I made my way back to Vanessa's apartment, i could feel the excitement bubbling up again. The night was young, and the promise of dancing and fun with my friends had my spirits lifted. When I  walked into Vanessa's place, everyone was already gathered, ready to head out.

Wade immediately greeted me with his usual flair. "Well, well, if it isn't the belle of the ball! That dress—now that's what I call club material," he said with an exaggerated wink, making everyone laugh. I smiled, giving a playful twirl. "Thanks, Wade. Nessa picked it out." 

Wade grinned, clearly pleased. "Nessa's got good taste, no doubt about that. You're gonna be the center of attention tonight, Vi!"

As the group started to chat and gather their things, Logan's gaze never left Violet. He stood a little apart from the others, his eyes following her every move. The way the dress hugged her figure, the way her hair fell just right—it all captivated him in a way he couldn't quite explain. There was something about seeing her so confident and radiant that made it impossible for him to look away. But, as usual, Violet was blissfully unaware of the attention she was receiving from Logan. She was caught up in the excitement of the evening, laughing with Vanessa and Wade, and completely oblivious to the way Logan's gaze lingered on her, filled with an intensity that only he understood. Vanessa, on the other hand, wasn't oblivious at all. She noticed the way Logan's eyes stayed fixed on Violet, the way his expression softened when he looked at her. A knowing smile tugged at Vanessa's lips as she exchanged a quick glance with Wade, who raised an eyebrow in response. There was definitely something more between those two, even if Violet didn't see it yet. With everyone ready to go, they headed out into the night, Logan walking close to Violet, as if unconsciously drawn to her. She, still completely unaware of the effect she was having on him, continued to chat with Vanessa, her laughter echoing down the hallway as they made their way to the club, ready to dance the night away.

Vanessa led the way, confidently striding up to the bouncer at the front of the long line. With a quick exchange of smiles and a nod, he unhooked the velvet rope, letting us bypass the waiting crowd. We walked in, greeted by the thumping bass of the music and the flashing lights that turned the club into a vibrant blur of color and sound. The energy inside was electric. The dance floor was packed with people moving to the beat, their bodies swaying in sync with the rhythm. The air was thick with the scent of sweat, perfume, and the faint tang of alcohol. It was the perfect atmosphere for a night of celebration. Vanessa and Wade immediately headed for the bar, eager to get the night started with a round of drinks. I followed, feeling the infectious energy of the place start to seep into my veins. Logan stayed close by, his presence grounding me amidst the chaos of the club.

As we reached the bar, Vanessa turned to me with a grin. "What's your poison tonight, birthday girl?"

I laughed, feeling the excitement bubble up inside me. "Surprise me," I said, trusting her to pick something good.

Wade leaned in, his voice barely audible over the music. "Something strong for the lady—she deserves it."

Vanessa nodded at the bartender, who quickly mixed up a colorful concoction and slid it over to me. I took a sip, the sweet yet potent flavors dancing on my tongue. 

"Perfect," I said, raising my glass to them.

"To Violet's big night out!" Wade declared, lifting his drink high.

We all clinked glasses, the sound of the toast lost in the booming music but the sentiment clear. After a few more sips, Vanessa grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the dance floor, eager to get moving.

"Come on, Vi! Let's show them how it's done!" she shouted over the music, her eyes sparkling with excitement.

I couldn't help but laugh as Vanessa dragged me into the sea of dancers, the music pulsing through my body. "Rock Your Body" by Justin Timberlake blasted through the speakers, the infectious rhythm driving everyone on the dance floor into a frenzy. The lights flickered and flashed, casting everything in a surreal, almost dreamlike glow. It felt like we were in another world, one where nothing mattered except the beat of the music and the joy of the moment.

As we danced, I caught a glimpse of Logan watching from the edge of the dance floor, his eyes locked on me. Even in the dim light, I could see the intensity in his gaze, a mix of emotions swirling just beneath the surface. But I was too wrapped up in the moment, too caught up in the euphoria of the night to dwell on it.

Tonight was about fun, about letting go and enjoying myself, and I was determined to make the most of it.

After dancing to five songs straight, my energy began to wane, and I decided it was time for a break. The heat from the dance floor clung to my skin, and I could feel the light sheen of sweat forming on my forehead. I made my way through the dance floor leaving Wade and Vanessa in the crowd, dodging groups of dancers and squeezing past clusters of people. Finally, I spotted Logan sitting at the bar, his broad shoulders hunched slightly as he nursed a drink. I walked over to him, feeling the cool air by the bar providing a much-needed respite from the intensity of the dance floor. As I approached, Logan looked up, his eyes meeting mine. There was something in his gaze—something deeper, more intense than I was used to seeing.

"Taking a break?" he asked, his voice low, almost a rumble.

"Yeah," I replied, sliding onto the stool next to him. "Five songs in a row is my limit, I think. I needed to cool off."

He nodded, his eyes flicking over me for a moment, lingering just a bit longer than usual. "You looked like you were having fun out there."

"I was," I said with a smile. "It's been a while since I've let loose like that."

Logan took a sip of his drink, his gaze still fixed on me. There was a pause, a brief moment of silence between us that felt charged, like there was something unspoken lingering in the air.

"You want something to drink?" he finally asked, breaking the tension.

"Sure, I'll have a soda," I replied, still catching my breath.

Logan signaled the bartender, ordering my drink before turning back to me. As I waited, I couldn't help but notice how he seemed more relaxed here, away from the noise and chaos of the dance floor. But there was also that intensity in his eyes, the same one I'd seen earlier. It made me wonder what was going on behind that stoic exterior of his.

-

Logan and I had been talking for a while, the conversation flowing naturally between us despite the noise of the club. The energy in the room was electric, with the bass vibrating through the floor and the lights casting everyone in a kaleidoscope of colors. We shared a few laughs, occasionally letting the silence settle comfortably between us, a silence that felt more like understanding than anything else. But then, as if on cue, a guy appeared next to me. He slid in smoothly, cutting through the crowd with a kind of effortless confidence that immediately drew attention. He was tall, well-built, and his smile held that practiced charm that suggested he was no stranger to approaching women in places like this.

"Hey there," he said, leaning in close so I could hear him over the pounding music. His voice was smooth, almost too smooth, and it carried that easygoing assurance that made it clear he was used to getting what he wanted. "You look like you're having a good time. Mind if I join you?"

His eyes met mine, his gaze lingering just a bit too long as if to make sure he had my attention. I couldn't help but smile back, caught off guard but not entirely opposed to the idea. After all, it was my birthday, and a little harmless flirting wasn't going to hurt anyone.

"Sure," I replied, my voice light, matching his tone. "Why not?"

Logan's posture stiffened almost imperceptibly beside me, but I was too focused on the conversation with this new guy to notice. The stranger took it as a sign to move in closer, resting his arm casually on the back of my chair, his body angled toward me in a way that clearly marked his interest.

"What's your name?" he asked, his smile never wavering.

"Violet," I replied, still smiling. "And yours?"

"Mark," he said, offering his hand for a shake. His grip was firm, his touch lingering just a bit longer than necessary. "So, Violet, what brings you out here tonight? Celebrating something special?"

"Actually, yeah. It's my birthday," I said, feeling a bit of pride in the declaration.

"Birthday girl, huh?" Mark's smile widened, and he leaned in even closer. "Well, happy birthday, Violet. How about I buy you a drink to celebrate?"

I glanced at Logan, who was watching the exchange with an expression I couldn't quite read. His eyes were darker than usual, a storm brewing behind them, but he said nothing. It was as if he was trying to keep his composure, but the tension in his body was palpable.

"I'm good, thanks," I replied to Mark, still smiling but feeling a strange undercurrent of tension between Logan and me.

Mark, undeterred, simply shrugged. "Suit yourself. But let me know if you change your mind."He stayed close, continuing the small talk, his eyes never leaving mine. I could feel the weight of Logan's gaze on me, heavy and intense, but I brushed it off, assuming he was just being his usual stoic self.

As the conversation with Mark carried on, I noticed Logan's hand clench around his glass, his knuckles turning white. He was holding back, clearly, but from what? The realization that something deeper was going on hit me, but before I could say anything, Mark reached out, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear, his fingers grazing my skin.

Logan  set his drink down with a thud, the sound barely audible over the music but enough to catch my attention. "We need to talk," he said, his voice tight, almost a growl, as he stared at me with an intensity that made my breath catch.

Startled by the sudden change in his tone, I blinked at him, momentarily confused. "Now?"

"Yeah," Logan said, his eyes flicking to Mark for a brief moment before settling back on me. "Now."I hesitated, unsure of what had caused this sudden shift in his mood. But something in Logan's gaze told me this wasn't something to brush off. I turned back to Mark, giving him an apologetic smile. "Sorry, I have to go."

Mark looked between us, clearly sensing the tension but not entirely understanding it. "No worries. Maybe I'll catch you later?"

I nodded, though I knew there wouldn't be a later. I turned to Logan, whose eyes hadn't left me, and allowed him to lead me away from the bar, leaving the flashing lights and pounding music behind as we found a quieter corner of the club. The entire time, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was about to change, something that had been building for a long time.

Logan finally stopped, turning to face me, his expression a mix of frustration and something else I couldn't quite place. "What's going on?" I asked, still confused by the sudden shift in his mood.

He took a deep breath, his eyes locking onto mine with an intensity that made my heart race. For a moment, he seemed like he was about to say something, but then, as if he couldn't find the right words, he just shook his head.

"Forget it," Logan muttered, his voice rough, like he was fighting to keep something buried deep inside. Without another word, he turned on his heel and walked away, leaving me standing there, stunned and alone.

I watched him disappear into the crowd, my heart pounding in my chest, my mind racing with confusion and frustration. What had just happened? Why had he pulled me aside if he wasn't going to say anything?

The music continued to throb around me, but I felt disconnected from it, from the entire scene. Logan had left me standing there with a million questions and no answers, and all I could do was watch as he vanished into the throng of people, leaving me wondering what the Fuck had just happened.

Part 7: I feel like i'm drowning

[vshthestmpede]

Headcanons for Vash getting a nice, long soak in a hot bath and a nice, thorough massage? Idk what types of physical therapy would be good for all his scars and missing arm (and whatever other damage beneath the skin we can't quite see), but hopefully a massage and a hot soak in a big tub would help? And a nice nap in a soft bed.

you need to relax, vash.

wc; 770

cw; mentions of scars

note; so i managed to find some time to start watching some of the og trigun anime and lemme tell y'all that this version of vash is so damn funny yet he's also my precious bbg still. i'll also be getting requests out in a more consistent manner now that i've graduated and have my summer free!!

on another note, i have made an ao3 where i have plans for two big works, a vash x reader prequel that leads into a wolfwood x reader. character.ai has given me so much material it's insane. i'll keep everyone here updated as i put those out, profile linked below!! <3

masterlist | cross-posted to ao3

vash would always put everyone else's needs and well-being before his own

it was 100% part of his sweetheart charm but it did raise some worry after it became a consistent thing

and while you and the others tried to push the importance of his well-being onto him, he was stubborn and would always wave you guys off

this continued for quite some time after you joined the group until, one day, you put your foot down

"you need to relax, vash." you left no room for argument, no indication that getting out of this was going to be easy.

vash tried his best to - as politely as he could - decline your persisting order but soon found himself being half-dragged, half-carried towards the bathroom of his hotel room

he stammered your name as you pushed him into the bathroom and followed, locking the door behind you. you started the tub and let the water run until it was warm enough before plugging the drain.

he jumped when you turned on him, his back against the far wall. with your hands on your hips, you raised an eyebrow at him.

"what're you waiting for? clothes, off." you took a step towards him when he hesitated and he hurried in doing it himself, only stopping when he was in his underwear. "vash, lovebug, i've seen you naked countless times."

"this is different," he whined, watching as you picked up his clothes off the floor. "is this really necessary?"

you sat in front of the door, folding his clothes and setting them beside you. you nodded as you worked on his jacket, eyeing the bullet holes near the hem. after another moment, you turned off the faucet and returned to your spot, eyes on vash.

"get in the tub, vash. don't make me get up and put you in it myself," you warned, crossing your arms over your chest. he sighed and shed his boxers, kicking them in your direction before climbing into the tub. "thank you."

he slid down in the tub as far as he could, a content sigh coming from his lips as he slung his arms over the back of the tub. you scooted towards the edge of the tub, earning a smile from your lover as you sat there with him.

"did you want to join me?" he asked, gesturing to the tub but you shook your head. "no? are you sure, mayfly?"

"tempting, but this is time for you to relax," you said firmly, reaching over him to grab the shampoo. you put it beside you and start cupping water to dump onto his hair to wet it. "lean back, lovebug."

he does as you ask and you take some shampoo in your hands, lathering it up before running your fingers through his hair. vash hummed as your fingers gently scratched against his scalp as you worked the shampoo through all of his hair. you instructed him to wash it out as you unplugged the drain.

you handed him a towel and unlocked the door, carrying his clothes out and putting them on the dresser before sitting on the bed. vash followed, eyeing you as you pat the bed next to you.

"what?" vash questioned but he did as you asked, allowing you to guide him into laying on his stomach. "what's going on?"

you straddled his lower back, hands resting on his shoulders as you began to knead at the skin. vash shuddered under your touch and you smiled to yourself. your hands worked up and down his back, taking your time on the more tender and scarred areas of him. you admired every inch of vash, murmuring your adoration and making sure he knew you thought he was beautiful.

you hummed in response as vash quietly said your name and he turned his head to the side so he could look at you.

"thank you for pushing me to relax," he murmured, his voice getting heavy with sleep. "i really needed this."

"you did," you replied, slowly getting off of him to bring him some cozy clothes. "you need to take care of yourself, too, okay?"

vash mumbled some sort of response as you brought him his clothes. as he got dressed you changed into cozy clothes yourself, closing the window blinds and climbing into bed with your love. he curled up against you instantly as you pulled the covers over the two of you, his head resting on your chest and his arms around your waist.

"good night, lovebug," you whispered, your fingers running through his hair as his breathing evened out.

[kiliinstinct]

Chapter 32

Rating: R Pairing: Nalu FF.Net || AO3 [Ch: 1] ||| [Prev] | [Next] Well, this was a doozy and took longer to update than I wanted. Special thanks to @phoenix-before-the-flame as always. And I'd also like to give another special thanks to @genavere for helping motivate me to get this chapter out. A few set backs had drained my inspiration for this and she helped put me back on track! See This Post For News About Future Updates The post linked above is an older one, so I'll also say this here, Flame's Desire Will be back with the Start of Act 3, but like last year, I'm going to take a 2 month Vacation from it to get my stuff back in order. So expect me to come back by the End of August! Enjoy!

Soft breathing broke through the quiet settling in the still room. The chaos that ensued mere moments ago still echoed in the minds of Natsu and Lucy; Both kept their distance from the other, too afraid to speak first.

Natsu sat upon the charred bed, head in his hands. Fingers dug into his scalp as he pulled at his hair in frustration. As if attempting to keep his broiling emotions under control through distracting pain. Holding back a pitiful whine, Natsu grew all-too aware of his reddened cheeks. Not from the magic that sizzled beneath his skin, just waiting to explode at the slightest drop in concentration, but at the shame filled embarrassment that rolled in his gut. Likewise, a similar embarrassment painted Lucy’s face. Sitting on a dust-covered chair in the corner, she twiddled her fingers. Unable to sit still, Lucy crossed and uncrossed her legs, eyes looking this way and that. Her face was burning, her neck and ears pounded in tune with her heartbeat. Searching for a distraction, she kept her gaze everywhere but Natsu. She couldn’t face him. 

Not yet.

Both were too lost in the maze of their own minds to figure out what to do next. He could still feel her lips against his; Still taste the slightest hints of her on his split lip. The memory swam behind his eyelids, refusing to sink under the rest of his emotions. Her frame, soft in his arms —and the sheer comfort of having her close — made him feel empty at the loss.

He needed to regain control of his emotions before they clawed their way back up his throat and exploded another hole through the keep.

That was his goal.

It should have been his main focus, but this new development knocked him flat off his feet.  He didn’t even have anyone to blame other than his own, impulsive self.

Lucy was a welcome relief that he desperately wanted to cradle in his arms and tightly hold onto. While concerned for his health, she had entered his room without pity, without fear — so unlike what he’d become used to over the last few days. Despite Makarov straining against his own injuries during his visits, it only served to fill Natsu with so much guilt he couldn’t breathe. And then there was Lucy… a balm he feared to lose after his days of isolation.

Once Freed and Levy had visited, mostly to reinforce the runes placed on his door. And though they attempted to speak with him, Natsu had stubbornly pulled the sheet over his head as they worked, refusing to speak with them.  He couldn’t stand the pity in their gazes, or the way they tip-toed around him as if afraid he’d pop off a second time. 

He’d almost done the same when Lucy had come knocking. It was too exhausting, too debilitating to continue seeing the results of his lack of control. He had been seconds away from shouting at his new visitor to leave him alone until Lucy’s voice broke through his discomfort like a siren song.

It took all the control he could muster not to tear the door off its hinges when he threw it open to see her.

The sight of Lucy gave him such exaltation that he reacted before his thoughts could catch up. Instinct needed to hold Lucy tight and let her calming aura seep into his very being until all he could feel was the gentle magic she possessed, pulsing beneath her skin.

In those span of seconds of holding Lucy tight, the warring thoughts in his mind went quiet and his vision clouded. What came next? … he… he wasn’t so sure after that. 

It wasn’t until she bit hard on his lip, palm striking across his cheek, that sense finally returned to him.

Natsu released her immediately, eyes wide as the world froze. He struggled to put together exactly what he’d done while Lucy had spared no moment to scramble as far from him as possible.

When she had slipped in her rush, Natsu was coherent enough to steady her with a hand on her shoulder. But Lucy slapped his hand away with wide eyes. He was confused at first, uncertain why she would wish to run from him, but the sight of her sucking in air as if she’d been drowning, lips swollen as she shook, made Natsu finally step back. A part of him focused on her lips for a second too long before he realized exactly what he’d done.

He really fucked everything up. 

Having the time to gather his thoughts and think clearly, Natsu stole a glance towards Lucy as he released his grip on his hair.  Her face was still red, but carefully set in a neutral expression that gave nothing of her inner thoughts away. If not for her restlessly twitching fingers, he may have thought she’d gone numb from shock. 

“I- … Lucy-” And words stuck like moss in his mouth, filling his throat and lungs until all he could do was stare at the floor. 

Seeming to have better control of her vocal faculties, Lucy inhaled deeply as she replied, “I want you to start talking now. And you better have a good reason or else I’m going to make sure my hand leaves a proper mark when I slap you again. You can’t just give a girl her first - “

“I don’t know why I did that.” Natsu interrupted, words practically tripping over themselves as they fell out his mouth.

She paused, her neutral mask cracking, “... it … was a whim?”

 Natsu leapt to his feet in a flash, “No!” He protested as an underlying edge of panic filtered through him.

“Then what was it?!” She demanded. “Why-” “I don’t know!!”

Natsu knew it sounded foolish. Ridiculous even, but what else could he say? 

Lucy’s mouth fell open, ready to respond in a fury Natsu felt was more than deserved. She had every right to tear into him. The scathing words he expected never came, however, as the words caught in her mouth, only to die a second later. She sighed instead, shoulders sagging as every ounce of her fury escaped through that one, deep, exhale. 

Instead, she pinched her nose, eyes shut tight as she struggled to hold back a wave of frustrated tears.

Panic set in. He’d made her cry. Despite her attempts to remain calm, he’d done the one thing he never wanted to do. Reflexively Natsu stepped forward, intending to console her, but forced himself to stay in place a second later. She wanted distance: he should give that to her…. right?

It wasn’t right. Natsu didn’t dare offer comfort now . Not without permission. Indecision and discomfort settled sickly in his stomach as wispy tendrils of smoke curled off his shoulders. His words were useless, coming out faster than he could process as he struggled to say anything that could fix things. But what could he say when he didn’t fully understand his own actions?

“I mean, it’s not like I didn’t enjoy kissing you-” No, that was wrong.

“I mean, I never thought about it before until right now, but -” That somehow sounded even worse! 

Growling, Natsu groaned as he tugged at a strand of his pink hair. The stone beneath his feet was starting to melt as the build of magic and emotion grew too much yet again. Ugh, why was this so hard? Lucy wasn’t responding, and he couldn’t look at her again, shame filling his gut like a cascade of stones.  Frustration at his inability to explain himself made his eyes water.

What was wrong with him?

Ever since the beginning, he’d been pushing his luck with her. Natsu knew that. What started as duty turned to friendship and friendship turned to… he couldn’t put it into words. It was some connection that compelled him to stay near right until she’d screamed those awful words at him. Despite assuring him otherwise, Lucy’s panic over being touched still echoed in his memories. 

It was his fault then. Reminding her of the horrors of their first meeting was his doing. And while he’d once promised never to give her a reason to remember, he’d broken that vow.

First nipping her when he was half asleep at the tower and now this? His knees buckled as he attempted to reign in his magic. How was he any better than the man that night? Forcing himself on her, saying things like–

Natsu stilled, eyes wide. He recalled his earlier words, pounding into his reddened ears, ‘It's about time you got here’

Why did he say that?

He suddenly couldn’t breathe. The heat of his embarrassment and shame was unbearable as he pleaded for her to leave the room. She shouldn’t be here. She didn’t need to see him like this. Natsu didn’t deserve the company, didn’t deserve the chance to explain – his thoughts derailed as Lucy moved, the chair clattering behind her. Grasping his face with cool, soft fingers, she kept his gaze on hers, lowering them both to the floor as she brushed the hair from his eyes. “Hey, Hey, shhh, calm down-” She said, brows knitting together at his answering, pathetic whine, “Your magic is going crazy, shhh.”

Battling with his broiling emotions and the struggle to breathe, Lucy stayed close, prying his hands from his scalp and holding them tight. The words she spoke melding into the background, muted by his own pulse. He clung to her hands like a lifeline, grounding himself as the steam continued to rise off his heated body.

Sweat beaded on Lucy’s brow, his own body heat treating the room like a mini sauna. Strands of her hair stuck to her neck as she powered through the heat. He needed to stay in control, before it became too much, before he -

He tried to tell her to leave again, but she stayed, mumbling quiet assurances that he couldn’t catch over his own, labored breaths. 

Seconds turned to minutes. And with time, the air returned to normal as the steam dissipated. Natsu focused on her hands, glowing in a soft, ethereal light, blanketing him in a cold that soothed his magic.  When his senses returned, tears were streaming down his cheeks and his body shook from the exertion. “... I’m so sorry-” He pleaded, exhaustion and hopeless desperation bleeding from his every word, “I… I missed you… And then you were here and I hadn’t seen anyone in days and I just- “

He just… what? How could he explain what he also didn’t understand?

“... take deep breaths,” her words finally reached him, talking him through the aching terror in his chest as her magic answered him. Lucy’s magic spilled from her fingertips, flowing freely in warm golden threads that pulsed weakly, wrapping his arms and torso in a soft light. The rhythmic thrums became a subtle call to calm the beast of power inside him.

Her voice pulled him back into focus, “That’s it, just keep breathing. Remember what you told me before? You’re okay, it’s going to be okay. You’re safe. I’m right here.”

Stunned, Natsu blearily lifted his head, confused,“But I-” “Yes,” She clarified, covering his mouth, cheeks still red, “You crossed a boundary, and we’re going to talk about it. But I need you to understand that I’m not going anywhere. You’re still my friend. I didn’t sneak up here just to run away. ”

Her firm declaration forced a startled sob from him. He curled in on himself, finally allowing the grief and guilt to escape him. All that’d he’d held back, the crushing weight of all his wrongs that he’d stuffed away cascaded down his face.

How long had it been since he’d cried so openly in front of another, without the cover of night to hide behind? Since he’d allowed himself to fall apart? 

So many secrets, so many things he feared speaking of; And now his Chief, a man he saw as his own family, was permanently injured. The loss of control Natsu thought he’d left behind in a childhood he believed to be separate from himself was coming back to haunt him. And now this.

Lucy didn’t deserve this.

She didn’t deserve his lack of understanding, his inability to control his emotions, his touch, his —  the sobs shook his shoulders and he held himself against her. He soaked in the comfort she willingly gave. Apologies tumbled from his lips over and over again until he no longer understood what he was sorry for. She took it in. He couldn’t explain it, but she held him tight and let his emotions spill out of him like an ocean until his eyes burned and the tears dried, staining his face.

When he could cry no more, Natsu held still, spent of his energy. His throat felt raw and bleeding and his stuffed nose was irritating. He knew his eyes hardly fared any better, puffy from his emotions. For a moment, Natsu wanted to cover his face, but he was too tired to move. He chose to wait for Lucy to make the next move, instead. 

He’d crossed enough boundaries for one day.

The seconds passed by and Lucy, lost in thought, continued to run her thumbs over his scarred knuckles. It was….strange to see Natsu like this. She knew he had his secrets -everyone did- but to witness him at such a loss was a different thing entirely. It hurt to see her friend so normally full of life terrified of things he couldn’t name.

Just how much was he holding in? How deeply did his grief run?

Lucy didn’t have the answers, but whatever had led him to this breaking point could wait. As he'd done for her, she would help him over this hurdle even if it meant sitting with him till sunrise. Then she'd get answers.

Minutes bled steadily by, matched by the lack of circulation in her legs and the muscles twinging in protest. In response, she tugged him closer, pressing his ear against her chest and continuing the soft circles over the back of his hand that matched the beat of their hearts. A moment of hesitation hung between them when he tensed against her, and she feared he would bolt.

However, that fear dissipated with each labored breath that slowed and left her shivering from the differing temperatures. Slowly, as the tension lessened and his weight increased, she could feel him piecing himself back together—or attempted to. Even a shattered mirror would show the cracks once repaired.

“Natsu?” she hummed his name gently, enquiring.

Burying his face further into her shoulder remained the only answer he had for her, one she seemed to accept for the time. Grateful for the extra time, he focused on the scent on her skin—a distinctly Lucy infusion of spice and something that reminded him of that moonlit night on the beach. Breathing became easier, and his thoughts less muddled. 

And that clarity brought a sigh to his lips. There would be no running away from this mess. Lucy was too smart and knew him too well. She’d give him a push, but he’d have to open up first if he wanted this cleared up between them.

“A lot…” —he swallowed through the pain and discomfort in his throat— “a lot happened.”

Lucy snorted,  “I couldn't tell-”

“Oi,” He defended, popping his head up and pouting. “I'm trying here. Really.”

“I am, too.” Her voice, a soft caress to the tatters of his being, wormed their way into his chest and stoked the growing ember. Even with her thinly veiled threat that followed, “I’m trying hard enough to give you a chance to explain yourself while I weigh whether I should slap you again for good measure or not.”

Maybe not so thinly veiled, Natsu let out a low chuckle and motivated himself to finally put some distance between them. “I wouldn’t stop you if you did. Maybe you’d knock some sense into me.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he took a moment of reprieve to gather his thoughts—or tried to. He rocked back onto his heels and felt the pull of the freshly healed scars. “I wouldn’t know where t'start, if I'm honest.”

“How about explaining why you were moved from house arrest to an actual cell,” Lucy offered, scooting around to sit next to him and stretched her legs out.

Natsu ran a frustrated hand over his face and flopped back against the cool, stone floor—a welcome balm compared to the emotions stirring inside. “The actual cells are downstairs,” he explained, staring at the ceiling. “This is just the old man’s extra room. He thinks its best I stay here ‘til I get a handle on myself.”

“But he still hasn't told anyone else why,” Lucy interjected, the accusation already pouring from her lips. “It's like everyone who was there is keeping it one big secret!”

“...Probably ‘cause he wants to make sure I wont blow up a room again when he does,” Natsu said with a shrug.

“Oh right, that.” The reminder of the now gaping hole in the keep mollified her. “Why…?” She let the question hang unfinished between them. 

Natsu swallowed, mouth dry, ”I lost my temper, and I– I ain't exactly right in the head right now, so I don’t blame ‘em. I scared everyone pretty good when I snapped over something stupid and got tossed in here. And I—it’s just—” 

He sighed, trying to gather his thoughts. “Everything's all over the place, and I was just feeling too much when you came in. It was…good to see someone who wasn't staring at me like I was a bomb or something.“ 

”So…you kissed me because I don't expect you to blow out another wall?“

When she put it like that, he had to wonder why she decided to stay and not turn tail immediately. “No, that’s not…I mean…Yes? Or maybe? I was just feeling too much at once and my body reacted before my brain could.”

Her silence spoke volumes; he quickly raised a hand and continued, ”Don't take that the wrong way or anything! S’not like I'd have done that to just anyone who came to visit! But that doesn't mean I understand why that was the urge I had when I saw ya, either! ...Damnit, why is this so hard to explain?!“

“Because it's embarrassing, Natsu!“ she hissed, covering her face with a whine. ”VERY embarrassing! We’ve never done that before! I’ve never done that! We’re friends! Close friends, but still only friends! We can’t—we don’t—! We don’t even like each other like that, Natsu!”

“…But… I do like you.” 

Lucy blinked through her fingers, “...Come again?“ 

“I DO like you,” He emphasized, scratching the back of his head and realized what his words meant. Not just for himself, but for Lucy, too. Everything slowed as he focused on emphasizing what needed to come across in a form of communication he always struggled with. “At least, I'm pretty sure I do. I’m just not sure what kind of like that is.”

“So you,” she started slowly, trying to understand clearly, “are not sure how you like me?”

“I’m sorry!” he blurted out, fixing his gaze on the wall ahead. “I can't say there ain’t somethin' there, I just haven't really thought about it, and—and after what—'' Lucy heard the click of his teeth as he quickly shut his mouth, backtracking on his words. “ I put you in a weird spot. If you still wanna hit me, you can. I deserve it.”

“No!” She felt him pulling away and felt trepidation choke her. “It’s just...I guess that makes sense?” Her voice wavered, the words more of a squeaking sound. But, a weird sense of satisfaction pushed down the panic earlier as she watched color creep up the back of Natsu’s neck. 

It also brought clarification.

Why wouldn’t it make sense, she mentally chastised. Since they had met, every interaction, every emotion that they shared had been carefully tucked away. A connection born from when he had seen her at her worst, and helped her to find her footing in a new place that she wanted to call home so badly. They were…close but even Lucy had to question herself in moments of solitude. Her swiftness in seeking him out when things felt off, the peace his presence often brought.

Their friends could view what they had however they wanted. Tease them from an outsider's perspective. 

She had never thought of it beyond the line she firmly drew. Nor did she want to before.

“I’m confusing myself,” Natsu muttered after some time.

Lucy coughed out a helpless laugh, burying her face in her hair. “This is…not how I was expecting all this to go. It’s…” She hesitated, searching for the right word. “...awkward…”

And that was an understatement if either of them ever heard one.

“I’m not happy about what you did.” The words were forced, her lips pursed together as tightly as the grip of her fingers on her skirt. But the words rang true, the bitter taste of lies nowhere to be found. 

Natsu mumbled, eyes lowered. “I know.”

Slowly, feeling consumed with emotions she still struggled to name, much less handle, Lucy allowed herself to take in the expanse of his marred back. Earlier, her mind could not grasp the discolored skin, the erratic scarring of Laxus’ magic that warped flesh and muscles. Every raised portion, each jagged edge looked painful even with the healing magic she could feel it doused in.

Would it ever fully fade, she wondered, reaching out to touch without permission.

The skin felt stranger than she had imagined. A softness that belied the truth of how it was imparted. Biting her lip, Lucy carefully moved her fingers to the only spot devoid of scarring over the whole of his back. She caught his gaze over his shoulder and felt the fluttering of her heart at the small glimpse of red on his cheeks and soon the back of his neck again—a similar color to her own cheeks, she knew.

“But it’s something we can move on from right? It’s not… this whole—” She waved a hand around between them, “—This situation between us isn’t what we expected. There is something between us, but, maybe, right now isn’t the best time when neither of us are in the right state of mind to figure it out.

She took a breath, and with a finger and a look, gave him a pointed warning. ”So, just don’t do that again without warning. And, I don’t know, ask first? Then it’ll be fine when we sort ourselves out.”

“Uh, yeah,” he said, stomach twisting and churning, “Yeah, I can do that.”

For a split second, Natsu thought he saw disappointment flash across her face, but it was gone too fast to register. It gave the distinct feeling of missing a step in the dark, but the relief he felt strongly overpowered the sensation. She didn’t hate him. She was fine. She understood, maybe. She wasn't going to leave-

He took a breath, trying to calm the inane spiraling he could feel pulling at his sanity, and focused on Lucy. Heat and iron warring in his chest at the tentatively hope blooming there.

“So,“ he prompted, “are we...good?”

Her smile settled the tension in his heart, the heat radiating outward and the iron raising him up. “Yeah, we're good for now.” Though he didn't have much longer to relax, as her attention turned back to the other elephant in the room, “But you still need to tell me exactly why you’re stuck in here.”

He groaned. Damnit, did he have to tell her all THAT too?!

.

.

.

Their conversation went well into the early morning. Once Natsu began, Lucy couldn’t stop asking questions. It wasn’t until the first chirps of birdsong reached their ears that Natsu cut her questions short, reminding her of the time. “The old man’s gonna be coming soon. He always drops by with food so I don’t eat alone. And he hasn’t been late yet.” 

With the time fast approaching, Lucy didn't have time to process their earlier conversation or the retelling of events that happened the day before. What's more, she knew without a doubt that Natsu still hadn’t told her everything that had transpired. 

Recalling the way he'd burnt her and the damage to his house, it wasn’t hard for her to accept that he’d lost control of his temper. What she couldn’t accept was laying the blame all on Natsu. Every situation lately had come up after the arrival of that Draconis, Gajeel. This stranger seemed well equipped with enough knowledge to poke the Natsu’ buttons with ease, which she said as much, pressing into the last few minutes they had until she forced herself to leave.

When Natsu heard the truth in her words, he fumbled, eyes darting to the wall as words tumbled from his mouth in quick succession. “And he was a jerk who said too damn much and pissed me off!” He snapped, flinching when Lucy pinned him with an imperious stare. 

He skimped on the details of what Gajeel had actually said and she knew it, “... He uhh..I think he knows me, from before I came here. And he said some stuff about that…”

He hated thinking of it. The fact he'd lost sight of friend or foe in that moment, weighed heavily on his shoulders. He didn't want to relive it again, even to tell Lucy the truth.

So he didn't.

"...The others, if I asked them what he said, would that upset you?" Lucy asked cautiously.

Natsu knew Makarov had sworn them to secrecy, it was something the old man drilled into him on each visit, a constant reassurance that his secrets would stay just that. He knew this, but a horrified grimace still shadowed his features from where he lay, telling Lucy all that she needed to know. 

Lucy sighed, picking at the hem of her skirt nervously before her final question, "Ok. Then will you tell me when you're ready? I'll wait."

He desperately wanted to say no. The vicious thought of how rumors of his lineage would spread through the village crossed his mind. No, Lucy would never do that, but what if she turned away from him? If he dared to tell her what lay buried away inside, would she still see him in the same light once she knew?

Natsu stayed quiet, nodding instead. She had given him a choice, not a time limit, and he'd tell her when ready.

Didn't she also have things she didn't care to speak of? 

Her train of thought followed the same lines as the conversation abruptly ended. Both were unsure how to continue. While Natsu fretted over the details he wished not to face, Lucy reached for him, gently rubbing his shoulder.

"I know it's hard," She murmured, sweeping a stray strand of hair from her eyes, "when all the pain you don't want to think about gets brought up against your will. I understand. ... thanks for telling me as much as you could."

Natsu felt like the breath was stolen from his lungs at that moment. His eyes stung with unshed tears. He refused to cry again, he’d already broken down once. He'd burdened her enough with his lack of control.

"Makarov's gonna be here soon," He reminded, easing away from her touch. He grunted with effort as he rose to his feet, his shoulders tense with apprehension. Lucy looked as if she wanted to call out to it, but fell silent when he offered his hand. “You should get outta here before he catches ya.”

And that was that.

Lucy saw the dismissal for what it was and took the invitation, allowing Natsu to lead her out. But not before crushing Natsu in a tight, desperate hug that made the pressure in his chest better and worse all at once. He sucked in air like a drowning man when she released him, leaving behind remnants of her scent on his skin.

It was dizzying, but relief flooded him the moment the door clicked shut. He had too much to think about after today and his head hurt from the enormity of it. 

Lucy, on the other hand, wavered behind the door as soon as she left. Something inside her screamed to stay, to keep him company and damned what Makarov said when he arrived. But she also didn't want to push her luck. They both needed a break, him especially and she...

She leapt back from the door as if it had shocked her, face flaming red as she thought back on their earlier conversation.

Did she... basically tell him she shared the same confused feelings he had? 

"Oh god," She whined, panicking, lacing her voice as she rushed back down the stairs, "what did I say that for?!"

Fortune proved to be on her side. Too wrapped up in her racing thoughts to be cautious and hide her presence, Lucy raced down the halls. However none one was around to catch her when she finally made it out into the open air, cheeks still brightly aflame as she ran home. 

Lucy thought of many things as she went. Every piece of information circulated from one emotion to the other. Her embarrassment would jump to worry, then to anger and frustration as she thought back to Natsu alone in that room. After blowing up so much of the keep, she understood Makarov's reasoning, but the Draconis' desperate tears as he clung settled against her skin like an invisible brand.

Natsu was suffering... That alone was enough to make her insides squirm and feel sick. 

She thought, now that Kage was dealt with, that her odd dreams and premonitions of danger would be long gone, but these new developments overlayed that hope with a deeper apprehension.

Just what exactly was going on? 

And that question, wrapped along in the seriousness of Natsu's explosive temper, circled her right back to her earlier embarrassment. Running a finger over her lips– the ghost of her own touch was nothing like the searing kiss that he gave – pulled her deeper into distraction. She struggled to ignore it. Skewed priorities, Lucy figured, but she managed to put the issues aside in lieu of eating the moment her home came into view.

Hopefully the Draconis had his meal already and maybe, just maybe, Makarov would realize just how strained Natsu was with this whole ordeal and change his mind. These were a lot of hopes that Lucy held tightly to as she thought over what dried fruits she had to nibble on for breakfast.

-Only for those thoughts to fly out the window as she opened her door and came face to face with the Chief, sitting calmly at the table as if he lived there.

"What the hell are you-" She shrieked, mind catching up with her just in time to change her wording, "Sorry! That... slipped out."

Amusement crinkled the edges of Makarov’s eyes as he smiled. And for the first time, the romni got a good look of the bandages covering half his body beneath the jacket. Though the table hid most of him from view, Lucy feared the wrappings covered far more than anyone would have liked. 

Her earlier apprehension blossomed anew as she shut her door with a shaking hand. He shouldn't be here alone, she surmised. Not with injuries like that. Looking around the room, Lucy searched for any other intruders, pulling a laugh from the elder.

"You're right to suspect another," Makarov said, wincing as his chuckles stretched a sore muscle, "She's next door with Mirajane. Porlyusica wouldn't let me too far from her sight even if I ordered it. And she's interested in giving you another check up."

The ‘she’ll be back soon’ was left unsaid, but understood.

Well, that answered one thing at least. Lucy furrowed her brow, unaware her earlier shock had melted into aggravation. "... Natsu said you were supposed to visit. Whose with him now then?"

A brow raised, “So you've seen him after all, have you?”

Lucy cursed inwardly: busted by her own big mouth.

But fury spurred her onward, kicking respect out the window before she could collect herself, "No one ELSE was telling me anything, were they? I like it here, but the way you keep everyone in the dark while you deliberate with only a few people is almost TOO much for me! You know what? I'm not even sorry. Do what you want with that!"

An aggrieved sigh escaped Makarov as he deflated, slowly repositioning himself to lean against the table. 

For that moment, he didn't look the part of an elder or a Chief. Just a tired, hurt man, with too much weight on his shoulders. He looked small. His eyes were downcast, tracing the grooves in the wood without a sound. Almost like a child being scolded. 

It was almost enough to mollify her, but not enough.

"You make an excellent point," He said after a time, just when Lucy thought the silence between them would drive her to shout more obscenities at him, "and I'm willing to discuss this. In fact, that's exactly why I'm here.  Please, sit down, Lucy, you shouldn't have to over use your magic in your own home."

It was a well-placed observation that made her realize just how tired and sore she felt. The magic she called to support her leg was becoming second-nature, but the drain on her body was immense after a full day of use. She slid to a chair and breathed in deep to collect herself.

It seemed, she was in for another long talk; She mourned the loss of getting a little shut-eye and a light meal. 

 Makarov wasted no time. Once she was comfortable, he cut to the chase, folding his fingers together as he watched her with a hard, unreadable stare, "I'd like to speak with you regarding your place here in the village. And whether you would consider leaving." 

He waited for a response, unaware of his words shooting Lucy’s heart out of her body and into a dark void. The world dropped out around her, suspending her in nothingness.

.... what?

[his-tamine]

life update :3 (a little vent-y)

sooo, been over 200 days since the house caught fire and we had to move. obviously, a lot of stuff's been happening. can't go into deep details for fear of someone I don't want to find this, finding this, but I'll say this much: FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've very rarely mentioned family on here (for obvious reasons - this account is NOT made for that lol) but here goes. tw for pretty heavy topics: mentions of abuse, father issues, health issues, transphobia & financial issues. I turned 18 Feb 21st, literally just almost 2 months before the damn house caught fire. Meanwhile, my brother's still a minor. MEANING, I narrowly escaped the custody battle my mom & dad are in. But unfortunately, he's still stuck in the middle of it. :( My pops was not really the nicest person to me when I was a kid -

whooping my ass whenever I did anything wrong, no matter how minor the offense was.

Telling me that he loved God more than he loved me, because "You're God's gift to me. God is the one who gave you to me in the first place," when I was four.

Telling me that if I didn't start being ok with receiving physical affection from family - which he knew made me uncomfortable - I was "going to grow up to be a S3R1AL K1LL3R" (yes he said that.)

Telling me that "God doesn't make mistakes," and that he "made me into a beautiful young woman for a reason" after I came out to him personally at 14 - big mistake 0/10 stars, would never do again. You get the idea. And those are the tame examples I could think of. So, I finally cut him off. As soon as my mom, brother, & I were in our new place, I blocked his number and haven't talked to him since. I was sick of him not respecting my boundaries, and repeatedly demonstrating that he thought of me as nothing more than a possession. Tired of him making me feel crazy all the time too. But now he's fucking with my mom & brother. Intentionally not paying child support till the last minute possible - & then making it in as small of payments at a time as he possibly can (yes he can afford it btw.) Trying to force my brother to go over to his place, even when my brother does NOT want to - which has begun giving my brother psychological issues & issues with school, mirroring the ones I used to struggle with bc of that bastard. My mom is juggling all sorts of things, & I really at least wanna try to help financially by getting a job, but I can't yet because: she says that I'm only 18, & shouldn't have to get a job to help out (I disagree.) I don't have an ID bc she wants me to wait on my legal name change - which costs a pretty decent chunk of change - reason is bc she "wants me to have as easy an early adulthood life as possible" (love her.) AND, I haven't actually graduated - No, I dipped in 11th bc school was hell (not exaggerating,) & instead just decided to pursue a GED, that I haven't been able to work towards bc of the shit show that is life in midwestern america. So I've been very depressed, exhausted, & hopeless. The least I can do is clean up our house while she's at work, & get this - some days I don't even have the physical energy to do THAT! I do not know what the hell is wrong with my body currently, but it absolutely sucks. & I'm really tired of just taking up space all the time. She's dealing with health issues too, & I'm always worried ab her. Idk what the hell to do, but something's gotta give. Everybody needs a fucking break. I keep trying to shoo away all the dark thoughts, push myself as often as possible, & keep my fingers crossed, but jfc... Sorry just needed to yell into the void for a sec. I'll live, I'm sure - I've survived worse. Sometimes things just suck. But I like to think that someday they won't. :,)

[maleficentmrsofallevil]

"You can't organize your way out of a mess"

I read that somewhere, and... yeah, it's true. But! There's a lot of stuff I want to keep, and organizing that stuff has made space. My inherited piano is now free of dolls, much to the cats' chagrin. Their favorite way of getting me off the couch was to jump on the piano and knock dolls over, which is the other reason everyone got moved into the office.

Vacay coming up. Whether he wants to or not, Spouse is getting dragged into helping me clean and swap rooms. I am ready for Craftorama room. I am so ready. I have many amazing projects to work on, and I can't work on them with cats. Try to knit - cats attack yarn. Try to sew - cats attack fabric. Try to paint dolls - cats attack brushes and knock over Pan Pastels. My cats, they are needy.

Actually, another reason why I'm excited to have Craftorama room is that one cat loves to play, but her rambunctious brothers always push her out of the way. With a big center space in Craftorama room, she and I can play in peace with the door shut and the brothers OUT.

I got tea lights and spent another afternoon lighting fabric on fire. It does seal the fabric quite nicely. Then I got an email from Fabric Mart - fabric on sale! $1 a yard! It's all polyester. Yeah, I bet it's on sale. Death to polyester.

Rainbow High dolls are getting clearanced out again, and I am not interested. I am Rainbow High'd out. There are two dolls I want when they go on sale, and that's it.

Decided against the Signature Barbie. I don't want to spend the money on a $100 doll, only to have to buy another Tooth Fairy Barbie to rebody her onto a pivotal body (same size as model muse, but with more articulation). I'm getting Barbie'd out too. Still waiting for the promised Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy dolls, but that's about it.

I did spring for a new Obitsu doll, even though I swore no more vinyl. I knew Obitsu was planning on updating the 50 cm body, and I wanted one. They released the GGR AKIHO body for a limited run, and I snagged Mysterious.

It looks like resin. I am super impressed:

Now I'm just waiting for the updated 27 cm body. Fingers crossed they do a 30 cm body like they did for the male body, cuz that would be awesome. Step aside, Made to Move. There's a new sheriff in town.

Finally finished shaving down the neck on the Doll Chateau Y-body-06, and now the DC Debbie head looks too small. Maybe the Dollmore head will work better? I'll have to swap and see. Can't remember the sculpt name; only that she looks perpetually disgusted with life, and I haven't yet found a body I like her on.

[nowoyas]

Koi no Yokan 22: come together (nishinoya yuu/reader)

First - Prev - Next - M.list - Ao3

A/N: take two on the right blog this time lmao. next update may be delayed, but I'll keep y'all updated. between new health issues and world events writing is really difficult for me right now. thanks for understanding <3

Summary: As the training camp nears its end, your boys continue to work hard and pull it all together.

Warnings and Tags: blanket series warnings

Words: ~3200

The next day is the first that you manage to make it to lunch without cringing, and the first where you get to be in the gym all day. You push your luck as you always do, spend the night up until dinner helping Noya with his jump set—still not quite there yet—and, after dinner, shoot a text to Noya asking if he'd like to walk around the school with you, since you're supposed to be going on walks and stuff and don't feel like going it alone. Naturally, he'd been so down for it that you'd been able to watch him basically leap out of his chair from across the cafeteria once he read the text.

You kinda missed having time alone with him. You haven't really had much of any since the training camp started, and you realize with a pang that the reduced frequency is an indicator that things are back to normal—no more sleeping in his arms, no more everyone in the house you're in home before dark, no more I'm home! and casual welcome back. No I'm heading out, no see you later. No one to eat dinner with.

A finger pokes your cheek. "You're getting stuck in your head. What's up?"

Right. This is stupid. You're being stupid. "It's nothing."

An unimpressed look. "Sure it is."

You sigh. "Just thinking about what I'm gonna have to put up with when we get back."

"Your dad?"

A nod.

"That's a problem for future [name]-san, isn't it?" He tilts his head. "You're not there and it's not your problem."

"But…"

"But I know that girl. She hates it when you take work from her. If she knew you were trying to take the worry about this from her, she'd be pissed."

You pause. Laugh. "Right. You're right."

You walk a little longer with him. It's nighttime, but it's still hot. The darkness isn't doing anything to cool anything off, but you happen to like it. It feels nice. Comfortable, even though you're stuck to long pants while doing manager stuff. Maybe a bit sticky, but it's not like you're doing any running. (Maybe it feels better because you know you aren't the one stuck exercising in this heat.)

"Thanks for walking with me. I know you've probably had enough exercise this week to last you the year."

"Are you kidding? I can keep going."

You roll your eyes. "Probably shouldn't, though. Something something, rest and recovery, something, take care of your body. I think I've basically gotten my fill, anyway, so we can head back."

"I mean," he hums, "if you took better care of yourself, I might consider taking better care of myself…"

You roll your eyes. "Like you'd do anything to hurt your performance at volleyball. You'll take care of yourself."

The pair of you wander past one of the gyms, and you pause at the distinct sound of volleyball taking place. Check the time on your phone. Noya isn't far behind you when you poke your head in to look—Hinata and Tsukishima, of all people, are mid three-on-three with some guys from other schools. They're locked in, which is sort of cool to watch, but…

You wait for the ball to fall, and then you cross your arms. "Hey, you guys ate, right?"

They freeze, turn to you in comical sync.

Oh god. They haven't eaten. "The cafeteria is getting locked in three minutes. Tell me you guys ate."

Hinata shakes his head gravely. You sigh. If you remember correctly… "Alright. Hold on. You guys clean up."

You've been excluded from the rotation on account of the concussion, but the other managers have a rotating schedule on which two girls clean and lock up the cafeteria at night. Tonight's Shirofuku and Suzumeda, if you recall, the latter of which does not pick up the phone. You get Shirofuku when you try her, though.

"What's up?" she answers.

"Shirofuku-san, hi! How much do you love me?"

There's a pause before she responds. "…why?"

You take on your sweetest affect, smiling even though she can't see you. "Could you maybe hold on locking up the cafeteria for me?"

She sighs. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything! But we've got a couple stragglers who got too focused on individual practice and haven't eaten yet. You wouldn't want anyone to fall out tomorrow because they didn't eat properly, would you? Not you, Shirofuku-san. You'd never."

There's a hesitation. You hear her cover the speaker, probably to talk to Suzumeda. You pounce.

"I'll handle locking up afterwards and cleaning properly, so you guys can go ahead to bed and not miss anything."

"How about you make them handle it, Little Miss Concussion?"

You pout. "It won't be that much. You guys were basically already done, right? And it's not like it's a problem if I miss any sleep, I mean, I've got doctor's orders to take naps as needed, anyway, so if I miss out on sleep—"

"Don't you dare—" Noya interrupts beside you. You lean over, slap a hand over his mouth, and keep talking.

"I've got this. Come on, please?"

"Fine. We'll wait. But you are going to take it easy, you hear? if you don't come upstairs in time we're physically carrying you up the stairs and forcing you to sleep."

"Great!" you chirp. "Thanks so much! I've got them cleaning up, so I'll meet you and get everything ready. You're the best!"

Just as you hang up, something warm and wet lathes over your palm. You squeal, jerking away from Noya. "Did you just lick me!?"

"Sorry," Noya says with a shit-eating grin. "There was this hand over my mouth, see—"

"I'm going to have Nee-san dye that little bleached strip pink next time you bother her for a refresh," you threaten.

He laughs. "I think I could rock it."

...infuriatingly, he totally could. You turn to the six stragglers, face flaming with embarrassment. "Anyway! I got clearance to keep the cafeteria open a little longer for you guys, but obviously it'll create problems if you stay too late and we make it to curfew without being done, so I gotta ask that you guys clean up and eat quick so I can clean up in time, okay?"

You receive six synchronous bows, six shouted thanks. Pride surges in you when the volume doesn't bring about any twinges of pain.

"You're so kind to us!" a voice booms.

Your gravity lurches out of wack—at first, you think that'd be because of Fukurodani's ace (Bokuto, maybe?) rushing towards you, but then a familiar arm settles over you and you realize that Noya has pulled you squarely out of his reach. He steadies you, chin resting on your shoulder to glare at him.

Bokuto stops and pouts, arms crossed. "I just wanted to thank her for making sure we can eat tonight. Is that not okay?"

"Bokuto-san, maybe don't randomly hug someone else's girlfriend," Fukurodani's setter says.

You freeze. "Hold up. Girlfriend?"

"Are you two not dating?" Nekoma's captain asks.

Noya's arm over your shoulder tightens protectively. "Not yet, but she's still off-limits."

"Excuse me, yet?" You turn to glare at him. He raises an eyebrow back.

"Yet."

You snort, roll your eyes. "Right. Okay. Anyways, we all need to hurry, so..." You wriggle out of his hold.

He's so convinced you'll fall in love with him. Like it's that easy. Stupid.

So you meet up with Shirofuku and Suzumeda. The guys trail not far behind—they get leftovers, and they're cold, but it's dinner and they're grateful to you. They go out of their way to avoid making a mess, and Noya lingers by to help you finish cleaning and lock up even though you repeatedly tell him he doesn't have to. He's so pushy. What pisses you off the most is the fact that you can't even be honestly annoyed with it. You lock up, you get to sleep on time, all six of the Stragglers Squad thanks you with their lives, and the next morning—last day of the camp—you settle in for morning practice like always.

When Hinata pulls off some new move—a wipe, Shimizu calls it—Yachi smiles at you and says, "I hope that new quick comes together soon, too."

"Same," you reply back.

~

Her wishes do not go unanswered. The final set of the training camp—imbued with energy from the promise of impending grilled meat and emboldened by Yachi's gentle mention to Hinata that she'd like to see that new quick they're working on—sees the first truly satisfying spike you've seen from Hinata in a while, your head notwithstanding. It takes you too long to recognize that they'd done it, that that was the new quick. It doesn't look much different to you, or to Takeda, apparently, but it's all about options, apparently, and now Hinata has those.

As Yachi cheers beside you, and the guys yell, you can't help but feel a little proud that they managed to make it work. You kinda wanna tell Kageyama I told you so, but you'll let them have this. The set moves on—a successful synchronized attack, a time out, water bottles and towels and excitement and Noya taking a moment to flash that wide grin at you.

"Wait, [name]-san," he says before you can walk away to set down the water bottle caddy, "for good luck—marry me?"

You roll your eyes, turn to pat his shoulder. "I don't think you really need the luck, but why don't you get that set to come together and ask another eight hundred and eighty-six times or so and I'll think about it in the meantime?"

His face lights up as always, and you watch him practically bounce back into position on the court.

It takes two points for the opportunity to come—a receive by Kageyama, and then Noya flowing easily into the set, which Azumane spikes and just barely manages to get in. But he gets it in.

It comes together.

Holy shit, it came together.

You grab at Yachi's arm in your excitement as she cheers—nice kill!—and try to contain yourself. Your first thought had been to cheer with her, but the second thought was swift and much louder—he'll never let you live it down if you do.

He catches your eye as you try to tamp down the smile. Gestures wildly. You roll your eyes in reply. You're sure later you'll receive a tackle for it, but you can try to avoid it, at least.

~

Fukurodani takes the last set with a truly impressive spike from Bokuto. You can't even really be mad that the gambit to crush him didn't really pull through, least of all when Noya sweeps you off your feet in celebration of his first successful in-game jump set.

"So, since I got it to come together—"

"Eight hundred and eighty-five or no deal," you interrupt, voice a little strained from the ongoing bear hug.

That earned you another nine proposals, rapid-fire, like you weren't in the middle of the gym and wriggling to get free, but it's fine, you guess. More important than proposals 106 through 115 is the barbecue, which you manage to escape for in hopes of helping out with.

And everyone is happy with the barbecue. When it kicks off, you find a corner to linger in with Tsukishima. The amount of people is just a bit... overwhelming, that's all. Tsukishima's corner is quiet. It's a good pick.

You can't help but needle him, though. You can only take so much quiet, only so much room to think. "I think that those moments today where things started working are why everyone else works so hard. That's where their passion is coming from."

He sighs. "I gathered. I don't get it, but I think I at least see it. It still feels stupid to just chase a high like that, but..."

You shrug. "Better than walking aimlessly, I guess."

He nods. "Right."

You sigh. The smell of meat is getting to you. "I'll leave you to your skulking," you say. "I'm gonna see if these guys will let me get close to any of the grills."

He nods you away, and you make it all of four steps before you spot a disaster-in-progress in the form of a trembling Yachi, surrounded by basically the four beefiest dudes at the entire camp, including Azumane.

You swoop in quick, gesture to them to step back. "Woah, hey. You're looking a little overwhelmed, Yachi-san. Do you wanna go sit?"

She nods weakly, face deathly pale. You shoot an apologetic look to the guys. "Sorry. I think the crowd's overwhelming her. C'mon, let's go sit with the girls and I'll get your food for you. How's that sound?"

"O-okay..."

"Can I touch you?"

Another weak nod. You place a hand on her shoulder, steer her over towards the other managers at a careful pace. Your firm "excuse me!"s cut through the guys well enough. You suppose there's an advantage to basically everyone knowing you have a concussion. When she's sat down, you kneel in front of her with a look of concern. "Are you gonna be okay?"

She nods. "Y-yeah. Sorry, I just... they're all so big and scary and... I-I know we've been around them all week, and even Azumane-san was there, b-but..."

"It's okay. Seriously. You're allowed to have anxiety, no matter what anyone says. Do you still want to eat?"

"Y-yeah. Maybe. I don't know."

"I'll get a plate with enough for both of us, then, and bring it back."

"Y-you don't have to—" she starts to protest, but you raise a hand to silence her.

"I'm choosing to. You're not making me do anything. It takes no extra effort to just take a little bit extra of what I get while I'm already getting it."

"B-but your head..."

"Will be fine. I'm supposed to be gently pushing myself, right? This is a good gentle push. If it gets too hard, we can send someone else. Alright?"

"Okay..."

You nod to Suzumeda and Shirofuku. "Can you two keep an eye on her and talk to her? Just a distraction to help her calm down. When I'm back, I can walk her through calming down the rest of the way if she needs it."

They nod, and you disappear into the crowd—get a small pile of meat for you and one for Yachi, pile up some vegetables on top to balance it. You're not all that hungry, but you suppose after nearly passing out like that, she probably isn't, either.

For good measure, one rice ball for each of you makes its way onto the pile as you wind your way back, and then you slump into the chair beside her and offer her food. You pick at your own, focus more on letting her get her fill than eating, yourself. The meat smells delicious, but...

You can't shake it. Can't shake the loom and gloom, the knowledge that, after this, you're going home. To your house. To your house.

Your eyes drift to watching everyone mingle as Yachi goes from shaking to calm, from having to be fed to being able to eat on her own.

You promised your dad you'd come home and talk then. You don't know what he could possibly say to you, if anything could make his absence better. You probably deserved it, anyway. You should be the one apologizing. It's not like he killed your mom. His wife. The woman he loved more than anything.

Your eyes trace Shimizu, sauntering obliviously through the crowd of guys to get her food. Maybe you should just find Noya and hang out with him. He's good at distracting you. You're sure he'd be thrilled to be hanging out with a girl at one of these, anyhow. He's just so easy to be around.

But right now, he's not far behind Shimizu, flanked by Tanaka and Mohawk guy. Glaring, probably audibly growling. Letting some guys from Fukurodani know, in no uncertain terms, to lay off.

A hand tugs you out of your thoughts, forces you to turn to the other girls.

Suzumeda leans in, devilish grin on her lips. At some point, Miyanoshita and Otaki also joined you, so, save for Shimizu, all the managers are present. "So, [name]-chan."

"Yeah?"

"We've been good. We've been patient. But you're about to go home—" Gee, thanks for the reminder. "—and we can't let you leave without answers."

Ugh. This is about Noya, isn't it? You suppress the urge to roll your eyes.

"What is the deal with him?" Otaki asks. "I mean, you guys are really obviously super close. Like, really obviously. And you know, we're nosy... why aren't you dating him?"

"Him?" You snort.

"Yeah! He clearly likes you, you like to act tough but I'm pretty sure you like him, I mean... why not?"

You jerk your chin towards where he's patrolling around Shimizu, chewing your lip hard enough to punish. "Does it look like he likes me, or does it look like he likes girls and I just happen to be one who pays attention to him?"

"[name]-chan…"

They have more to say in response, but you refuse to entertain it. Instead, you zone out Shimizu-ways, watch her remain blissfully unapproached as the trio does their sworn duty. Noya does his job well.

"Yachi-san," you interrupt suddenly.

She jolts. "What's up?"

"Can I borrow your bus pillow when we leave today? My head's kinda starting to hurt but I can't sleep on the bus without resting my head on the window. You can probably imagine how much that will not help me at all."

"Oh, uh, sure! I don't mind! Do you want me to go ask Sensei about your painkillers?"

You shake your head. "I should be fine. It's not that bad, I just need to sleep it off."

Doubtful that you actually sleep.

~

On the bus a short hour or so later, clad in your bus hoodie—well-worn, faded, and cozy without making you overheat—you rest your head on the borrowed pillow and try to keep your eyes closed. You don't want to see the look on Noya's face when he realizes you've taken a seat on the side of the bus with single-seat rows.

You hear it, though. Footsteps stuttering to a stop, then Yachi's voice.

"Oh, she said her head was bothering her, so she was just going to nap."

You can actually hear the pout in his voice. "Am I not a good enough pillow…?"

"Oi, Nishinoya. Keep moving," Ennoshita says. "We all have to get on the bus, you know."

"Right. Yeah, sorry. Ryuu! I'm coming to sit with you!"

The footsteps continue. You pull your hood over your head and try to shove down the guilt. When your phone buzzes, you flinch.

Noya to [name] at 14:13

Noya: [image attached. Image description: Soba with her mouth open and both front paws in the air, batting at something out of focus in the foreground.]

Noya: Soba fighting off your headache. get some good rest for me, ok?

Somehow, this doesn't help your guilt. It doesn't help it one bit.

Tags: @deeplightgarden @idonthaveanameideayet @dusstory @kazunish

[pardonmydelays]

I love many songs, especially the ones whose intentions are to motivate and inspire you, and one of them is "Renegades". I don't know if I would consider that as inspirational, but one line that sticks out to me is Go forth and have no fear. Even at my lowest points... I still manage to persevere. I will see it through the bad times and...well...just keep on keeping on, I guess. Keep moving forward. We weren't talking about songs but I still felt the need to point that out?? On a totally new note, this is not 100% confirmed, but I just might be applying to a unit some time next week now that the rent prices are starting to appear affordable. There's a few units I'm eyeing, so hopefully I'll finally be able to put that big-ass deposit down soon and go from there. I'll keep you posted! I might make a post about ✨ the big day ✨ as well... 🙂

Your support, as always, means a lot, so thank you!!

oh, that's amazing tho! the power of music is truly something else. sometimes i feel like this is the only thing that keeps me alive - it's good to have something like that and it's not silly at all.

for me, the line of all the lines is "when darkness rolls on you, push on through" from oldies station by twenty one pilots (wow, everyone's surprised). but anyway. it just reminds you that you have to keep going no matter what. and it truly helps.

i am just so so so damn happy for you! i know it's scary but you're doing this anyway and that is honestly so brave. as usual, keeping my fingers crossed and waiting for another update! ✨

we've made it this far, girl!!!

[cypionate60mg]

hi. i've been trying to get on T for about 5 or so years now. i have seen so many doctors and therapists and been on too many multiple year long waiting lists. it feels like a sisyphean task at this point.

i've been seeing a new psychologist for about 4 months now, and it seems like i'll hopefully be able to start my medical transition soon-ish. i'm hoping before my birthday.

i found your blog like, 4 days ago and its helped a lot. it makes me feel more excited about the chance of being on HRT, since it always felt like a pipe dream to me, so it wasn't worth the time to be happy over the slight possibility of me being on T.

thank you.

Proud of you, anon. Fingers crossed it all falls into place as soon as possible. Life after HRT is difficult in a different way, but I know you can do it. Keep me updated.

P.S. I’m always happy to share DIY resources/info with people.

[hellodarjeeling]

An update on my monthly mystery noise! And it's... interesting?

Since l've been keeping a log of when the noises happen, I can usually tell when in the month to expect it, give or take 3-5 days. I had a feeling that the noise was going to happen and it did, early this morning, much like the other incidents. I woke up slightly before the first noise, making note the time I heard it (3:45 a.m.) and decided to stay up the hour for the second noise. The minutes have been increasing with each incident, so I knew to expect it to happen at 4:54 a.m. but it never happened!

Dear reader, these mysterious noises have been happening for over a year at this point and have always followed a strict pattern. Not hearing it this morning, despite being my ultimate goal for so, so long now, honestly weirded me out a little. I later went back over my backyard camera footage, curious to see if maybe the noise had occured and I had simply missed it.

But no, nothing happened.

I can only hope, with all my fingers and toes crossed, that this means that the weird banging noise is possibly, maybe, hopefully coming to an end. I guess I'll have to wait until next month to see if that's the case.

[yebinisms]

YEBIN: "I like that feeling of being able to connect with my fans, and I think being a relatable idol was what helped me debut in the first place, so I'd love to continue communicating with them."

It feels like we haven't seen you in a while. How have you been?

YEBIN: Just the usual. I've been practicing, and I am preparing for a comeback. It's somewhere in the makings, but I can't say anything for sure yet. My fingers are crossed that it'll happen very soon though because I know my fans are waiting for new music.

Speaking of music, after VIV:ID's disbandment, it seems you've solidified your place as a soloist. What's the biggest difference of promoting as a soloist versus a group member?

YEBIN: The stand by time (laugh). I don't have to wake up at 3 in the morning to get my hair and makeup done anymore! Jokes aside, there's definitely a sense of loneliness. I used to have a bunch of members beside me in my waiting room, but now I'm all alone.

There must be something nice about that, though.

YEBIN: There definitely is. I think the biggest plus that comes out of being a soloist is that I get to fill up the stage with my presence alone. There's a bit of freedom when it comes to concepts and how I move around on stage.

Besides music, you've also been very active as a tv personality. People have called you a representative Gen Z idol. What do you think about that nickname?

YEBIN: I don't think they're particularly wrong, but I don't want that to become a permanent image. People label honesty and being straightforward as being a Gen Z trait, but I don't think that's true. Yes, I'm a pretty honest person, but I think that's just me being able to differentiate between right and wrong and not allowing others to stomp over me. Let's call it confidence, shall we?

I agree. You definitely have a sense of confidence and self-esteem to you. Were you always that kind of person?

YEBIN: I believe so. I mean, I'm sure my parents would agree. They say I was a difficult child to handle because I was always jumping off the walls and stuff.

You're still a rookie when it comes to your career, so you probably have lots of things you'd like to do. What's the number one thing on your bucket list?

YEBIN: Eventually, I would love to hold a solo concert. Concerts are probably one of my favorite things about being an artist. Most of the times, I don't get to see who my fans are in-person. Sure, there are fansigns and music show recordings, but I feel like concerts are where we really get to connect. I like that feeling of being able to connect with my fans, and I think being a relatable idol was what helped me debut in the first place, so I'd love to continue communicating with them.

Is that why you're so active on social media as well? I've read comments about fans being concerned because that also means exposure to not-so-pretty comments.

YEBIN: I'm not one to be affected by those comments anyway, so I'd like to tell my fans that they don't have to worry. I know who I am, and I'm also aware that people who hide behind an anonymous screen don't mean much. But yes, that's why I'm so active on social media. Since I can't always be active in more public spaces, I think social media's a great way to keep my fans updated.

Any last words to your fans who may be reading this interview?

YEBIN: I'll make sure to become an artist that you can be proud of!

[thesamestarlight]

Tag 10 People You Want to Know Better

thank you for the tag @insecuregodcomplex!!! <3

relationship status: single <3

song stuck in my head: okay honestly. drunk on you by luke bryan, but that's just because i heard it playing from the other room. it's not a bad song, it's just not representative of what i listen to these days. i'll keep you updated if this changes by the time i finish writing this post. fingers crossed

last song i listened to: well if we're not counting muffled country music through the wall, then let me check... survey says... never grow up (taylor's version) <3 that's as far as i've gotten through the album but i am LOVING the quality of the recording so far. rip to some little stylistic things though :( sparks fly "my mind forgets to remind me" vocal slide you will always be famous </3

three favorite foods: strawbebbies... dumplings... burritos... <3

dream trip: honestly idk! i haven't done a ton of travel, but i know i would like to visit the netherlands! if we're dreaming big, i guess i would take a few weeks and travel across europe. that would be amazing. i'd also love to visit egypt someday :)

anything i want right now: um. somewhere between dinner and a clear path forward as i navigate shifting professional passion. splitting the difference... a disney day with my friends, maybe

if you could be any animal, what and why: i've been waiting for this question ANYTHING THAT SOARS THROUGH THE SKY SO HIGH AND SO FAST AND SO FREE WITH THE WIND ON MY FACE!! i have always wanted to fly sososo badly that as a kid i used to stand outside in front of my house and just. think as hard as i could, hoping i'd be able to will myself into flight. for hours. sometimes i still dream i can fly and then wake up disappointed. so. this probably makes me a bird, then. fast, beautiful bird. <3

update: the song in my head is now heaven, iowa by fall out boy

tags! no pressure if you don't want to do it <3: @last-honey @pluto-powerbee @awkwardbeautywhofoundherbeast @artistfingers @things-i-cannot-do-in-amitypark @ladybugs-kitty @hanaasbananas and anyone else who'd like to participate! feel free to tag me on your post even if i didn't tag you :)

[colorguardsweetheartblurrsgirl]

If your wondering why I'm not posting daily. I got sick this last weekend (haven't gone anywhere just happens when caring for my disabled mom, and well with my dads line of work hes always infront of others who are in all sorts of conditions.. hes the kind ot cough without covering up. So I'm a petri dish if he bring home germs n' stuff or mom does from her appointments wether wearing or without masks... (were a mask wearing family even before the pandemic due to this fact and mom being heavily asthmatic)

Thus last week been dealing with a stomach crude. I keep thinking I'm over it then a day later stomach feels iffy again and its almost a repeat. Luckily, it's not as bad as the first two days I mean, God willing and fingers crossed. But it's difficult to concentrate or do much. Muscles soar, hace a pile😭😱😓😩😨😱 of things to do and everyday I need to get to and thsi is holding me back from.🤒🤢🤕🤮😷🤒😵 Sp under the weather lately. I wake up often and I think Yeah it will be good, or I'll be good & I take a turn for the worst. I nearly threw up several times today. If it lasts for another two days I'm gunna head to the doctor. But this is just annoying for me as it may be for you. It also may or may not be one of the reasons for several recent all nighters. Friday I slept over 12 hours despite thinking I was Okay I was shocked and still felt beat for most of teh day lien I wanted more sleep... I woke today with a strong heavy (for me didnt go over 100 or anything but still wants considered high for me) fever and felt sick for hours.

Just keeping you updated that updates may remain slow till I can beat this. With it being stomach crude I defiently have energy. Drawing is legit one of the few ways (including above writting as that doesnt settle my stomach as often as I'd hope in these tokens due to focus... I think it's the feeling of drawing on paper and not the computer thst calms my nerves or soemthing or the motions against the teeth of teh paper [the bumps on a paper my art teacher at college called teeth, also some call it grooves. Her vocab for it just stuck with me🤣😂]).

I can get my mind not to focus on it and can settle down the sickening feeling by usually drawing and on s ok me occassions reading. Today read outloud and talked out a story I bbn hadn't touched much lately, it helped me settle when I was near hurling before that.

But that being said, I may want to wait to made while sick before I outline them is still up to par... To make sure what I make when I'm sick is actually up to par with what I want to post. I do have old stuff I can post. It's just the process of the pictures, trying to jot get the glare and stuff that keeps me from doing it I may have one or two potential picks I can share at the moment. But I have ti feel good enough to go through it. Literally was holding in the need to hurl while writting thus as I'm trying to distract myself from being sick. But it's a one step at a time situation.

Just keeping you up to date. Take care everyone. Stay healthy out there.

💖🥰😍

[yoursolnishko]

haven't written much on this blog since my freshman year, but here we are! i'm a senior now :,) man does the time fly!!

some updates:

-mental & physical health have not been so good, but we've been taking steps to get better. recently had a massage because my back and shoulders have been killing me for so long.

-i wanted to start working on my senior recital rep during the summer, but i ended up needing to work a lot of hours because of bills and a few health things that came up in life. classes don't start until aug. 20, and i can finally start working less hours, so i'm hitting the practice room again tmrw!! (it's been about 3 weeks since i've been able to practice, and all i've been able to do is work and listen to my rep and other music in the meantime. i'm so excited!!!!)

-i've read 3 books, 1 light novel, finished tokyo ghoul (starting the sequel soon), and caught up to jujutsu kaisen and apothecary diaries. i'm hoping to finish another book or two, start another light novel, and work on some of my wips. i've also read so many fanfics over the summer, and i'm keeping up with so many that are currently ongoing ehehe.

-i don't think i want to apply to grad schools just yet. i want to take a break after graduating, find work, get an apartment, and find a piano teacher somewhat close to where i'll work because i want to continue with piano and doing lessons. (one of the things i'm considering is doing my mm in piano performance.)

-my hair and my skin's condition have gradually declined over the past couple of years, and it's really taking a toll on me. i also found out a few summers ago that i have eczema. i'm gradually working on making things better, especially with making better food choices, because my hair and my skin are my joy.

-there have been so many times where i felt like i was more of a music major than a creative writing major and vice versa. i didn't always handle things healthily for my mental and/or physical well-being, but we're crossing our fingers in hopes that we do better during this last year.

anywho, life has been such a whirlwind. i can't wait to see what's in store for me this year!! there's still so many things i want to learn from my professors before graduating. i'm so, so excited to read everyone's stories and go to the upcoming recitals :D

[prentissluvr]

i’m so glad we’re lowkey in the same boat rn 😭😭

like i’m in the middle of my wip and i know what i want it to be about and have started it but i absolutely hate the way it turned out

so i’m just setting it aside until i think out a better way to flesh it out (meaning daydreaming about it until it clicks)

NO FRRR

yeah i'm like i said i'm trying to write the soulmate au but i'm kind of at a boring scene so it's making me feel stuck :,) and before that i was having trouble starting it at allll grrr. but yeah i really feel you. i'm not sure how i feel about what i've written so far, but i'm just gonna try and keep pushing through LOL just because i've got some ideas for later in the fic that i love and can't wait to write

but hey setting things aside to just daydream about the idea is such a valid thing to do, i do it all the time!! it really can be helpful i think. sometimes i'll get the line or the action or whatever that gets me going by just sitting away from writing the fic and thinking about it instead. so fingers crossed that your daydreaming will help you out!! if you ever wanna be beta-reader buddies or shoot ideas back and forth about our wips definitely let me know because i'm so down for that kind of thing <33

anyways update me when/if you get it to click!! it's always such a great feeling, though definitely let it sit on the back burner and don't pressure yourself about it until you feel like working on it <33