#i'd have my own radio talk show and i'd talk to myself

[harrysfolklore]

max verstappen being the perfect boyfriend: a compilation

summary: max verstappen can’t help but talk about his girlfriend whenever he cans, fans make compilation videos about it

folkie radio: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAXIEEE, it's been a minute since the last time i did a compilation blurb and this felt like the perfect occasion to bring them back, i hope you like this!

MASTERLIST | MY PATREON

Max Verstappen, three time world champion and the best driver of his generation is known for his incredible driving skills and relentless pursuit of victory on the track.

However, behind the wheel, Max has another passion that rivals his love for racing: his girlfriend.

In every interview, press conference, and social media post, Max can't help but gush about her, seamlessly sharing stories of their life together into conversations about lap times and race strategies.

Fans quickly began doing compilation videos about all the times he mentioned his girlfriend publicly, and those gathered millions of views across social media platforms.

The most popular one was called "Max Verstappen being the perfect boyfriend: a compilation," and it began with a video of Max arriving to the paddock for media day, Red Bull's social media team filming him while he answered some rapid fire questions.

"Waffles or Pancakes? You know I used to love pancakes but I think I've had too many because my girlfriend is obsessed with making them," he said as he signed some stuff, "So I would go for Waffles at the moment, but if my girlfriend is watching this I'd say I take her pancakes every day."

The next clip was from a post qualifying interview, and of course, Max earned the pole position, the interviewer had asked him what was expecting for the race the following day.

"To win of course, that's what I'm here for," he said with so hesitation, "But I'm also looking forward to it because my girlfriend will be here, it's the first race she attends this season and I can't wait to see her in the crowd while I take on the podium."

The video moved to show Max with his teammate Sergio Perez, they were playing a game of Green Flag or Red Flag, they were asked about people who film themselves at the gym and Max immediately waved the red flag.

"I actually don't go to the gym anymore," Max added, "I get annoyed by everyone else so I just exercise at home."

"So no topless selfies, not even at home," the interviewer said.

"I don't need to impress anyone, I've got my girlfriend, so," Max shrugged.

The next clip was taken from Max's own Youtube channel, he was showing some of his preparation routine for a race, that included some neck training, checking statistics, quick meetings with his team and engineers among other things.

And of course, his girlfriend made an appearance, standing in a corner watching everything unfold. He approached her, race suit on and helmet in hand, kissed her lips gently as she caressed his arm.

"Be safe out there okay?" her voice could be faintly heard.

"Always schatje, I love you."

In the next segment, Max had just earned his second world championship and was doing a casual interview for a sports channel.

"Do you have your girlfriend now call you 'Two time world champion Max Verstappen' or just Max,"

"Definitely not the first one," Max laughed, "She'd never do that, she says she likes to keep me humble."

"Your girlfriend has a pet name for you?" the guy asked again.

"We call each other a bit different but I prefer not to say that on camera," Max laughed again, "I don't want the internet to make fun of me for being cheesy."

The next clip was from Max's streamings, he was too immersed in a game that he didn't hear his girlfriend come into the room, noticing her presence when she leaned into him.

Out of habit of keeping their privacy, he covered the camera but forgot to turn his mic off.

"Schatje I'm streaming," he said, unaware that everyone could hear him.

"Oh I'm sorry, I was going to ask if you could feed the cats but I'll do it myself," his girlfriend spoke.

"No I'll do it, just let me get off the stream,"

"Baby, there's no need," she insisted.

"I was missing you anyways, just give me a minute."

His audience couldn't see anything but they clearly heard how Max kissed his girlfriend's lips, turning his attention back to the screen, he realized that he was broadcasting their conversation to everyone.

His viewers went wild in the chat, spamming heart emojis and comments about how sweet the couple was. Max ended the stream with a laugh, addressing his fans. "Alright, you heard the boss. I gotta go feed the cats. See you all next time."

On the same note, another clip from a video for RedBull with Checo was included, they had been asked to show the most recent picture in their phones.

"Oh it's from this morning, my girlfriend with the kids," Max said, showing the picture to the camera.

"The kids?" Checo asked with a laugh.

"The cats are our kids," Max shrugged, "Jimmy and Sassy Verstappen."

A particularly touching moment was from a press conference after a difficult race. Max had finished fifth, a rare position for him given his usual dominance. When asked how he dealt with setbacks, he gave a candid response.

"It can be tough, but my girlfriend always knows how to lift my spirits. She's my biggest supporter and always finds the right words to say. Just being with her makes everything better, no matter how bad the race went."

During a clip of Max giving a tour of the Red Bull factory, he stopped at a wall covered in race-winning memorabilia. Among the trophies and champagne bottles, there was a small, framed photograph.

"This is special to me," Max pointed it out, "It's from my first win with Red Bull. But look closer..."

The camera zoomed in to show a young woman in the background of the photo, cheering in the pit lane.

"That's my girlfriend," Max said softly. "She was there for my first win, and she's been there for every one since - even if she can't always be at the track. The team knew how much that meant to me, so they made sure she was in this photo when they framed it."

In the next segment, Max was asked about his favorite off-track activity.

"I love cooking," Max grinned, "Well, more like watching my girlfriend cook. She's amazing in the kitchen, and I'm just there to taste-test everything."

The compilation included a moment during a press conference, Max addressed a question about his girlfriend facing criticism online. The question arose after she received negative comments following a public appearance with him.

"Look, it's tough sometimes," Max began, his expression turning serious. "She didn't choose this life, but she supports me through everything. It's not fair for her to get hate just because of who she's dating. If you have a problem with me that's fine but don't go after my family or my girlfriend because that is just unacceptable."

The final clip that wrapped the video us was from the FIA Prize Giving ceremony, Max received his trophy for winning the 2023 championship.

In his acceptance speech, he thanked his team, his family, and, of course, his girlfriend.

"Winning races and championships is amazing, but having someone by your side who believes in you and supports you unconditionally is truly special. To my girlfriend, thank you for being my rock and my biggest cheerleader. I love you."

The screen faded to black, showing a text that read: Max Verstappen, three time world champion and the perfect boyfriend.

[mcflymemes]

THE SUITE LIFE OF ZACK AND CODY PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue from the tv show (season 1), adjust as necessary

i can shove 12 gummy worms up my nose. you wanna see?

i was blunt... i was direct... and if i do say so myself, i was pretty darn mean.

is that a threat or a promise?

i learned something from you and you learned something from me.

i can't believe i might have to wear plaid.

teach me to be smart!

i mean, this is probably the most boring hotel in the history of boring hotels.

none of them even noticed me.

do you need some help with your bags?

i'm not that strange... except when i get really nervous i can't stop talking which is odd because i'm aware of it and you'd think i'd know better but for some strange reason...

what kind of superficial airhead thinks that's cool?

are you wearing lipstick?

i protest against them.

i got dragged off by a cop!

i guess i should say goodbye. or... you could invite me to your suite?

do you know how much they cost?

it's so much nicer than the mini-van we used to live in.

is there a hall of fame for this kind of stuff?

that's what trees look like before you cut them down.

what's that on your face?

thanks for the red sox tickets!

you tend to be un-smooth.

some of this candy is older than you.

somebody ordered the "i'm sorry for what i did last night" buffet.

get us into the wedding.

we may live in a palace, but we are not royalty.

what did you set on fire?

have you seen what you're wearing?

will you guys stop fighting?

we are not fighting. we are having a creative discussion.

stop agreeing. you're annoying me now.

i'll have you know, i flunked that math test purposely just to get away from you.

are you familiar with the gear shift?

you're making me nervous with all this technical talk.

why don't we just relax, turn on the radio? would you like AM or FM?

let's find out how rich i am!

you're gonna learn to drive?

have you heard the good news?

i love the rush of the road, the wind in my hair.

they shouldn't be too hard to find. we'll just look for the car that's going in reverse.

i suppose i have a slight tendency to be a bit critical.

have you seen my kids?

which goes first, the milk or the cereal?

it's a special night. don't make me slap you.

did you just flick flour into my face?

come back here and take this banana creme pie like a man!

how would you feel if people were spreading rumors about you?

we don't have a dungeon.

i recommend you go away!

this is not a joking matter.

there's no such thing as ghosts.

just 'cause i don't need it doesn't mean it's not mine.

don't take this the wrong way.

i made it with my own two hands.

i've hit rock bottom. and i don't like rock bottom. it's so... rock bottomy.

i have about twenty different ones. which one do you want?

i actually cooked for three hours.

do you ever find yourself feeling discouraged, unfulfilled, unappreciated?

try this hot dog!

[harleehazbinfics]

Home is where my Heart is.

Chapter 3: The First Time Table of Contents | Profile

Word Count: 1100+ Warning: implied rape and abuse A/N: idk i feel weird that he's kinda ooc; tbf he is very different here in this ff BUT LISTEN crazy meets sweet, ITS KINDA CUTE also also, imma take a break and continue my devout!reader ff, you can check it out here. thanky!

mmmmm i changed so much dialogue i wonder how this'll go. (edited as of Feb 20)

It had been quite a few months after Alastor and I have started going out. Nothing drastically different happened when we were still friends then transitioning to lovers.

Both of us would mind our own business, however, that didn’t really mean that we weren’t thinking about each other. If Alastor went on radio, I would listen to him while doing mundane chores, listening to his voice through the vintage filter of the stereo, I'd even retort to his witty commentary as if he was in the room with me. While, I would be out doing shows across the city, ranging from clubs and cafes to the early television programs.

Today was one of those days, where I would be waiting for Alastor to pick me up after performing a show, as he promised to bring me out to drink for our date. I stood at a lamp post waiting for him, looking down at my shadow.

“Well, look who it is. Lil’ Mel out in town?” a raspy voice said to me, “Must be nice to finally get out of that orphanage, huh? How’ve you been liking it so far? Missed me?”

Hearing this familiar insistent voice sent shivers down my spine, having flashbacks of my days in the orphanage. I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Go away, Aidan. I don’t want to talk to you,” I announced, fear creeping up on me.

“Oh, don’t be like that, babe!” he said putting his hand on my shoulder, “Don’t you remember all our fun times?”

I wriggled out of his grasp and angrily answered, “Fun? Hah, you’re insane. And never call me babe! Goodbye.”

I tightened my grasp on my sling bag and briskly walked away, looking for a more crowded area. But I never got too far when he suddenly had my arm in a tight grip making me squeal in pain. He covered my mouth with his other hand hushing me, and placing his knee between my legs. This scenario was all too familiar that tears welled up in my eyes automatically, but I gathered all my courage tensing my body and biting his hand, frustration clear on my face.

Meanwhile, Alastor was already a few buildings close to your arranged meeting place when he stopped when he heard a familiar voice.

“I told you to let go of me!”

This shout reaches his ears following a thud, fearing the worst he then bolts toward Miledy’s direction.

“Miledy!” he yells however freezes when he sees a man looming over her with a metal pipe in his hands.

“AL!” she screamed scared out of her wits.

Without a second thought, he lunges at the man throwing the both of them to the side leaving me on the floor. I looked at Alastor in fear for him when I saw him struggling to wrestle the larger man off of him.

“STOP! GET OFF HIM!”

Aidan seemed to falter when he heard me, creating an opening for Alastor and managing to stab him through his chest. Aidan gathered the last of his strength to wrap his hand around Alastor’s neck. I panicked and grabbed the forgotten pipe and bashed him over the head, making him go limp on top of Al.

Alastor moved the body to the side and with a relieved look on his face, he moves forwards and pulls me in a tight hug.

“I was so scared. Did you get hurt?” he frets over me.

“You’re not scared of me? I just killed a-a person, Al,” I asked afraid of his reaction.

“Heavens no! I’m more relieved you’re not hurt,” he replied letting go of the hug and placing his hand to the side of my face.

Relieved that Alastor didn’t leave her despite her sins, she finally broke down as she recounted the traumatic events that had happened, including the times where she comforted herself to sleep crying after Aidan was done playing with her, causing all these bottled up grievances to burst out. While Alastor did his best to comfort her in an embrace.

“We should probably leave now. It won’t take long before someone calls the police,” he explained holding on to her shoulder. I only nodded my head shakily still rattled and followed his lead.

He covered the body and lifted it over his shoulder keeping it steady while his free grabbed my hand and ran far far away. We eventually ended in a forest where we buried the body. I wiped the sweat off my brow breathing deeply from all the extraneous activities. After that was all done, Alastor led me to a cabin outside the hunting grounds.

“Where are we?” I asked while looking at the old furniture and the floorboards that creaked.

“My house,” he stated simply offering me a glass of water. I took and drank all of it without a second thought making Alastor tug a very subtle smile on his lips at how she completely trusted him.

“Al, we just killed a man and buried him. What if they figure out that we did it? What will happen to us?” I ramble, face going pale from different scenarios going through my mind.

He kneels in front of me a frown adorning his face when he saw how distraught I was and replied, “I’ll never let them hurt you. I promise, they will never know.”

“What about you, Al! What if they take you away from me. I don’t want to be separated from you!” I yelled hoping he’d care about his own well-being.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he said reading through me and holding my face in his hands, “I’ll never ever leave you, not if I can’t help it.”

My eyebrows furrowed still unconvinced, “How can you be so sure?”

His eyebrows drooped and a wry smile takes place while putting his hands on my knees obediently, “I’ve been hiding from them for years now. They haven’t had any idea that it was me. Knowing a lot of people surely has its perks.” I looked at him confused. “The first person killed was when I was 16, on the day that my mother died, and I’ve been running ever since.”

“I’m sorry I lied to you. But I never wanted you to be involved in this dirty past of mine,” he apologizes. “But I swear on my life that I never had any bad intention towards you. All I want is for you to be safe and free from worry.”

It took a very long time before one of us did or said anything. I took his hand, stood up and walked him towards the balcony that we walked past getting here. And just watched as the sun slowly rose hand in hand.

“I guess this is how we live for the rest of our lives now,” I uttered just above a whisper to the wind.

“I’ll protect you. No matter what.”

“Me too. You can depend on me… I love you, Al.”

“Thank you, Miledy.”

[flutishly]

The lull before the storm - revisiting the days before Hero's birthday, a decade later

Note: This post contains spoilers for Nothing Much to Do.

I'll admit, I haven't been keeping up with the NMTDaily in recent weeks. I'll watch the videos a couple weeks late, in chunks. It feels entirely unlike how I watched NMTD when it was originally released (obsessively, as the episodes came out; I never used subscriptions, so I'd check the channels directly pretty much every day), but entirely reflective of where my life is today, a decade later.

I'll be away this weekend, leading into the 10-year anniversary of Hero's 16th birthday and the radio silence that followed. I'll probably write more about the actual videos when the time comes (hey, remember when I spent hours micro-analyzing a tiny video only for the full-length scene to emerge within that same day? I should be embarrassed by that than I am), but for now I find myself thinking about how the tension ramps up and how the story of Much Ado About Nothing and NMTD's interpretation feels different in 2024 than it did in 2014.

There's a lot that at the time I feel I was less forgiving of, interestingly. Maybe it's because I'm older, but I find myself feeling sorrier for the boys this time around. Claudio's anxiety and self-consciousness feels more... forward. Pedro's need to people-please and "lead". Ben's intense need to be liked and appreciated. Ironically, even as their behavior seems even more "inappropriate" today, I can't help but feel that there's something about it that I better understand today.

Hero herself somehow feels more mature. There's something about watching with the retrospect of a decade that makes the coming punch hurt all the more. It's been long enough since my last rewatch that I'd forgotten so many smaller details, like the way the girls have their sleepover or the fact that Hero has her own charming relationship with the camera independently of Beatrice. (I'm not sure why I'd forgotten these moments specifically, but it's interesting! I suppose it has something to do with the fact that I always clicked with Bea more as a character, but in this rewatch I feel like I'm finally seeing the version of Hero that many of my friends from the NMTD era always saw.)

Hero seems more mature and Bea seems more childish. Ten years ago, Bea was just a few years younger than me; she was immature, but not so different from where I was in life. Now, both Bea and Hero feel like teenagers and I'm very much not a young adult anymore. I look at both of them and think how fragile they are, how much they're taking on themselves at such a young age (independence is wonderful, but do they have the love and support of a good adult mentor?). I think of Bea's discomfort talking about Ben and her fear of being hurt. I think of Hero's open love and trust. I think of how both will soon be heartbroken by the same event, in very different ways.

Hero's birthday is one of those plot points in the world of literary webseries. It's iconic for a reason. And I know that as things "unfold" this weekend (and are only revealed next week), I'm watching it from a very different place than a decade ago and with a completely different mindset. But I suspect that the sadness and anger I felt then will not be completely obliterated. I suspect that I'll still have a moment of anguish for Hero, for Bea, for shattered dreams and the end of innocence.

----

One final aside: I truly love the writing on NMTD. Time and again, I'm impressed by just how richly the characters are drawn, by what a beautiful job The Candlewasters did in translating a classic text and making it feel so very real. I feel so lucky to have experienced this show as it was released in 2014 and yet again lucky to watch it now.

[lets-laughagain]

Hi! I saw that you were in 3 shows of Louis in Brasil. Do you mind sharing your favorite moments of each show? If you do mind ignore my ask, I just love reading fan experiences of Louis' shows.

I hope you have a nice day!

hiii i'm sorry it took so long, i was enjoying the rest of my vacation then i got sick due to the different weathers in every city 😬, but anyways here we gooo

i know you asked for my favorite moments but i talk too much and rambled about everything kjsdnadsk

RIO I got to the venue at 7pm, after a lot of traffic and anxiety 🫠, and there was still a big line to get in making giant rooks go on stage 15 minutes later than expected. I had listened a bit to them when the opening acts were announced but i loooved seeing them live, their concert was so much fun, i had a lot on my mind that day but as soon as they started playing my worries were gone like, music is everything really.

The venue's capacity is for 18k people, but i guess there were about 12k there? I'm not sure but, the chairs around me were half empty (a lot of people moved to closer seats), the floor was full but the stands not so much yk. It makes sense when you think it was on a wednesday and a lot of people couldn't make it.

As I went alone to this one and there weren't many people around me it was like me and louis and just letting out all of my emotions. Idk if it happens to anyone else, but I get a lot more emotional when I'm alone at shows. I don't even have much to say here cause I was really there in the moment giving my all, screaming my lungs out to hoth and feeling all this time deep in my soul (the drama lmao).

SÃO PAULO I was really tired after barely a day of rest at home, then packing another bag to curitiba, it was hectic, but thank god i had stands tickets again and my friends got there ealier and saved a seat for me.

Not to paraphrase harry but, that show was loud, loud and LOUD. Seriously, I've never seen so many people scream and jump for an opening act?? I was actually kinda shocked at how full the stadium was, its full capacity is 60k but as they were using only half the space i guess there were about 25k-30k people, it was really packed. Like, that video from outside the stadium that you can hear the screams is kinda crazy if you think it wasn't at full capacity.

This concert left me so proud of him, of how far he has come, like he said with no radio support or anything, seeing him in my favorite venue in my city with so many people screaming for him was something really special. This one was really about US, the fans and louis, i can't say it enough but the crowd was like part of the show too. Also, the big stage, the catwalk, the fireworks, those things made it all so much bigger, like a celebration for where he is now. I'll never forget his face impressed by the crowd like every five seconds, he deserves it all, i love this man to death.

His only wrongs that day tho were wearing that ugly outfit and not singing saturdays on a saturday!!!!

CURITIBA I had slept for like 4 hours, took a flight in the morning and spent the whole day kinda sick and anxious, I really do not know were i took forces to this concert but i did and i gave 200% of myself. I had floor tickets this time so i let myself go and jump around like crazy.

We stayed in the left side of the stage were it was a lot more chill and we could walk around. Most of the time I stayed a bit close to the stage but not so much cause i like having my own space to breath, sometimes I'd get closer to record something. By the encore I found an empty space in the far left of the barricade to see him better during silver tongues.

For me it was the most fun concert, you could see louis was happy, there was a group in front of me dancing and having so much fun together, like he said no one will stand still in a brazilian crowd that's for sure! Also, there was this girl who was talking to us before the concert who found me during the encore and we literally just screamed wdbhg at each other lmao i don't even know her name, but i can't stop thinking about it, it was really funny.

Oh and that outfit!!!! The way i screamed when i saw him in all black, i kept looking at my friends like why the fuck does this man look so good!!! WE WON!!!!

When the barricade moment happened I was only looking at him so I didn't understand what was going on, then by the end my friends said he was with a kid, but only when i got to the apartment we were staying i saw the full context and video, that broke me. He so sweet and precious, it makes everything i did for him so much more worth it than it already was, this plus the donations for Rio Grande do Sul filled my heart with so much love for him.

Also, after the concert we were trying to buy merch, but most sizes were sold out, the line was huge and security was hushing people out of the stadium 🙃 then 10 minutes later we found out louis was playing football at the pitch lmao

Some other points - I absolutely LOVE the stage design, the lights and screens going up and down work so great, it's amazing to witness it live - THE BAND, i don't even need to say anything right? his band is fucking incredible, i live for every single guitar solo from michael - The 2 seconds that takes people to realize that he is singing night changes and wdbhg are the funniest shit istg kskdnkll - People will ask me why I would go to the same concert 3 times, and just istg it IS different, they are all different experiences and i'd do it all over again (which i actually did, cause i saw louis twice and harry 3 times in 2022)

---

Last but not least, i will to speak in portuguese to thank my friends skjndkjsan

Eu sei que ela não vai ler, mas muito obrigada @hiddlestomlinson por aceitar fazer essa maluquice comigo, por vir até SP, ir pra Curitiba e me aturar por 5 dias seguidos, mesmo com tanto cansaço e doença foi tudo maravilhoso 🥹💜

@delicatepointofview de novo, muito obrigada por me ajudar tanto no Rio e pelo ingresso de última hora, mesmo passando por tanta coisa você foi um anjo 🥹 só conseguimos nos ver de longe, desse 🤏 tamanho, mas da proxima vem aí!!

@somuchstrdst e @icouldbeluckyagain amei encontrar e curtir um pouco do show com vocês!! NÓS VENCEMOS MUITO!!! ste, eu ate tava vendo seu recap hoje tomando café da tarde ajksndkjs

[sparrowrye]

Demi Demon || Alastor x Reader, A2 part 6

Synopsis: It’s been over a year since we were brought under Alastor’s watchful eye. We’ve unlocked our Demonic powers, discovered our own talents, and began building the Safe Haven with Charlie and co. Alastor seems increasingly interested in the power we hold as one and intends to use it properly.

Previous part

Part 6: developments

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weeks went by until we were in the heart of winter. Construction slowed as the Demons found it more bitter, painful, and unpleasant to work in the cold, leaving most of it to Humans until the wind and snow made it impossible.

The Haven itself was finally looking like an actual town. We had reached the tree line and were now expanding outwards to cover the entire field. The huts were on one side and would remain there until construction started again in the Spring.

Everyone was developing in their own good way. Althea was turning into an herbalist, having an intense drive to learn about plants and using 'nature's medicine' for basic needs. This went hand in hand with a new arrival, Vilcin.

Vilcin had been the Demon who helped when Striker attacked me. They had an owl like face with gorgeous black hair flowing well past their hip. They were very still but when they moved they moved like lightning.

Vilcin and Rosie had talked awhile after Alastor brought me back. They were in need of somewhere to stay, Hell now too overrun for any Overlord to want more inhabitants, and Rosie immediately sent them our way. They had a knack for manipulating plants and became our permanent cook. They had a large garden behind the grand hall and were always experimenting with new recipes.

Althea, who was quiet but tough, took a liking to the equally quiet newcomer. Vilcin packed a few secrets and lots of good sarcasm, something they only showed around Althea, myself, and Vivian.

It wasn't until we were all talking in the garden one afternoon that I realized I had formed my own group. I had friends. Althea and Vivian were doing most of the talking but I felt so happy when their eyes glanced at me to keep me in the conversation. I felt content.

That wasn't the only new development. The children were becoming much more easier to handle and adults started 'adopting' some of them. It gave the children someone to look up to and the adults someone to care for, especially those who had decided to couple.

I always watched with envy as couples held hands, hugged, and even kissed. It made my heart twist painfully. I would never be able to find anyone to be with like that. My mind even went as far as to drift to Alastor and being stuck with him. I didn't believe the Radio Demon had it in him to actually care for someone other than his mother and whoever the girl was from him memories. Would he be bothered if I did find someone? Being soulmates never meant we had to actual couple.

Speaking of which, things had leveled out between us again. Every afternoon we were deep in the forest magic 'sparring'. He stood on one end of the clearing and I on the other. I just had to touch him and I'd win the match. I have yet to do that.

After a few weeks, our relationship started to go back to the way it was in the middle of knowing each other. He still stole touches to get the energy high from our connection but they were almost secretive and light, as if he wasn't as bold to put a hand on my shoulder anymore.

I was relatively okay with him and he seemed to find any reason to be near me. I knew his reason for wanting a stronger connection but at this point there was no use in being angry. He was always going to have an ulterior motive and he couldn't get that connection unless I felt like having one, which would be never. I forever had control of something that he couldn't contort or manipulate.

"You're improving," Alastor said. He planted his cane on the grass near my head. I was sprawled on my back trying to level out my breathing. Sweat dripped down the side of my face. "Faster than I expected."

I took another moment to take a few more deep breaths. "I'm catching up."

"You've still got a ways to go, my dear."

"You ought to look at things in a more positive light," I forced myself to a sitting position before standing up on shaky legs.

Back at the house, I showered and changed into my usual outfits of wide pants and a button down shirt. I had yet to see Alastor in anything but his red coat and black pants.

I walked down the stairs to find him waiting near the front door. I wanted to lift an ear but I was holding my Human form. So I went with a coarse, "What is it?"

"Perhaps you'll join me for a meal tonight?" he asked. The question caught me off guard. It took me a moment to remember that he was trying to find ways to form a stronger connection.

"I eat with my new friends every night," I answered, emphasizing 'new friends' in a way that said I wasn't willing to give it up.

I was expecting him to say something harsh and hurtful, but he didn't. "Perhaps an afternoon snack? I'm sure your cravings have gotten more frequent." Like always, he was right. He has been leaving the cubes of meat in my room every other morning but I found myself fighting the urge in the middle day. I especially felt it after our training sessions.

Not wanting to piss him off again, I gave in. He led me to the sitting room where the two chairs sat on either of the fire. The inside was safe from the winter air but the feel of the warm fire was hard to ignore. Sitting on either chair was a book, one of them being the one I was currently reading. How did he know?

His eyes watched me as I sat silently and took one of the meats from the dish on the small side table. He wasn't particularly interested in his own book, having already read his entire collection already, but Rosie had suggested he do something with me that was calm and didn't give me a reason to want to murder him.

We sat in uncomfortable silence for half an hour. I threw myself into the book and tried to ignore the warm presence around my mind. He was there, not pushing, and his attention felt on me instead of his own book.

When the clock chimed, I carefully closed the book and left the room. I was expecting him to grab me or say something, but he didn't. He was silent as I left the book on one of the side tables and left the house. I found Reagan on my way out and took a stroll along the shore.

A few days later, Alastor asked me to go with him into Hell. He brought Spencer along to post his articles around Hell about the Haven. The small man seemed more chipper and upbeat when we met a second time, his anxiety having disappeared after meeting with the Radio Demon so many times.

I had been to Hell a few times already and seen what it looked like. The vast city was intricate, busy, and in an enclosed space. However, when Alastor teleported us, I found myself as the base of a twenty-five-floor-plus building. Surrounding me were similar height buildings, all the same red or dark purple color. There were bridges above shorter buildings connecting each other.

"Where are we?" I asked.

"Unclaimed territory," Alastor answered, "The rest of Hell is starting to look exactly like this."

As much as I wasn't comfortable with Hell and what it held, it felt wrong that it looked like this. I felt so small and everything seemed plain and boring. It felt suffocating to see souls jam packed together like chickens in a tiny cage.

The surrounding streets were littered with trash and dead bodies. Ugly looking creatures feasted on the dying corpses while Rosie's cannibals took the rest. This must be solely houses unless there was more inside these massive buildings.

"I didn't realize..." I made sure to keep up with both of them, "how bad it was here."

"I'm not sure which is worse," Spencer said, "being hunted for sport on the surface or being stuck down here."

"On the surface is much better. There's space and ways to keep yourself alive and hidden. Here you're just stuck until you die or someone kills you." I watched a young Demon run from an alley and into one of the doors. A male Demon thrice his size looked down both streets for him and huffed when he realized he had lost him.

Alastor shoved me. I was about to yell when I noticed a bloody corpse in between us. He cocked his head to the side with his yellow teeth showing and said nothing. Spencer started taking photos with an old camera box the size of two fat textbooks.

After he got what he needed, he started glueing up his posters to the sides of the buildings. He then started going inside the buildings and putting up ones on the ground floor lobby. I asked to help and together we barely scratch the surface of the amount of buildings. He didn't have enough paper and needed to print more.

Alastor walked me to Rosie's emporium before taking Spencer back to his shop. Rosie and I had been meaning to meet again since our last get together was a couple weeks ago. She asked the usual about the haven, Charlie, my new friends, Reagan, and Alastor. I was short and to the point as polite as I could be about him. There wasn't much I could say to her since the two of them were close.

That night, a nightmare attacked me. It was a combination of all my bad memories coming together. I tried pulling myself out of the memories but they weren't exactly memories. They were altered and somehow made worse. I couldn't pull out of a memory if it wasn't one. How do I pull out of a dream?

I reached for my mother as I was wrangled from her grasp; I was put on a table with a bright white light overhead and pain everywhere; I was shoved further in my cage and my limbs restrained to be used; Striker hit and threw me left and right; my skin turned black as I morphed into a terrifying version of my Demon form; Alastor held me close by my neck so his bad breath filled my nose as his claws impaled my neck, blood streaming down my shoulders; and I was chased into a dark corner as all my demons came for me.

I needed out. How do I get out?

Alastor's warm presence was on the edges of my mind and I immediately reached out. He would know how to pull me out. I let my mind brush against his and willingly pulled him in. I opened my eyes to see my demons dissolve as nothing but purple surrounded me next. I was in my mind. I was out of the nightmare.

I instantly pulled out my mind and my eyes shot open. I bolted upright and slammed my forehead into Alastor's. We both clung to our heads from the pain and let out a hiss. I casted magic to turn on the lights.

"What were you doing?" I demanded, still rubbing the top of my head where we hit.

"I was helping you." He dropped his claws from his forehead. I noticed then that he was wearing all black, pants and a long sleeve. I was shocked to see him in something other than his usual red suit.

"Why were you that close?" I asked slowly, my eyes looking him up and down.

"Is a thank you so hard?" he retorted, holding his arms behind his back. He raised an eyebrow when he noticed me looking him all over again. "You were the one who reached out to me."

I let out a sigh and put my face in my hand. My heart was still beating fast and I had a headache from hitting his head. The nightmare felt like it had taken so long to happen. Weren't dreams supposed to happen really fast?

He was silent and quick, appearing beside me and placing a hand atop my head. I was about to smack it away when the pain disappeared and my heart slowed down to its normal pace. My adrenaline had also gone down so my body wasn't buzzing from it. I let out another heavy sigh, releasing the last of the fear and tension.

"Do you feel better, dear?" he asked.

I nodded and he removed his hand. Our energy disconnect wasn't as abrupt this time and it felt like warmth was being pulled from my body. He silently moved to the door but I said, "Thank you."

His smile turned into teeth, though his back was still to me. "Of course. Sleep better, dear." He slipped out of the room and relocked it with his magic. I turned off my lights and laid back down. I didn't fall asleep right away, instead repeating our conversation in my head a few times.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note:

It’s the little things that matter, right? :P Welcome new OC Vilcin!

I should be back to daily uploads by Monday. Thank you for being patient and understanding this week! I’m grateful for each of you <3

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Hi, I was just wondering— what’s the origin of your name? I can’t figure out what meerkats are fine.

Oh, thank you for asking this and giving me an excuse to post the answer again! I post the video that my name is based on once or twice a year, but it's been a while since I have, so I appreciate the encouragement to do it again.

Okay, so in March 2020, I watched every episode of Taskmaster and it was the best thing I'd ever seen, I looked up ways I could see more of all those people, made a list of long-running panel shows that featured them, and worked through the list. Watched every episode of WILTY, then 8 Out of 10 Cats and Catsdown at the same time, then was annoying my friends so much by talking to them about these newly discovered British comedy shows that they don't care about, and I needed somewhere else to put my thoughts or I'd come out of the pandemic with no friends left. So I made a Tumblr blog.

Right after that, I did Mock the Week/Big Fat Quizzes at the same time, then QI and Buzzcocks, then branched out into "not actually a panel show but similar ballpark" with The Last Leg and every fucking episode of Russell Howard's own TV shows, before going through the old Howard/Richardson radio shows and then Bugle and being more into audio stuff from there, and then mostly into stand-up, as I have been for the last couple of years. At the same time as all this, I was re-watching a lot of the old British sitcoms I was into as a kid, and watching a lot of British sitcoms that were new to me, and a lot of shorter-running panel shows, Radio 4 shows, some books, lots of stuff.

Okay that's as short as I can possibly make the summary of my last few years, and most it wasn't strictly relevant but I just always feel the need to add context to things. The thing that's actually relevant is I made this blog right after I'd finished watching 8 Out of 10 Cats and Catsdown at the same time. And Tumblr asked me what I wanted my name to be, for my blog that was about British comedy. I decided to not overthink it, just go with the first thing that came to mind when I thought of what panel show moments came into my head first as things I liked, and went with:

There is, like, a slightly deeper meaning to why this joke got to me so much. When I first watched that episode and heard that joke, I happened to have just come back from a very stressful event where I'd had a panic attack and had to leave early, and Sean Lock describing little things running around frantically and pointlessly, and needing someone to just come tell them "guys there's nothing coming to get you, it's not a big deal just fucking relax" made me laugh as a metaphor for how anxiety feels like chemicals chasing each other around your brain in an utterly unnecessary frenzy. And I liked of some outside observer just looking at it and saying "knock it off" (and, you know, it's extra funny if that outside observer happens to be Sean Lock). I would sometimes tell myself, when spiralling into particularly irrational anxiety, "Hey! Fucking relax. Tell the meerkats it's fine."

So there was that, a bit of a more significant thing. But honestly, I mainly just liked that because I thought it was a funny observation. I've been to zoos, I've seen meerkats, and he's right, they do do that! They do run around as though they expect their cage to be under siege at any moment, even though there is no threat to them. Good point, Sean! It's a funny image. I mainly picked the reference because it's a funny image.

Part of why I put the context here is I've posted this video a couple of times since Sean Lock's death, and had someone assume I made the name as a tribute to him. So I like clarifying that I made this blog in August 2020, a year before he died, and I've never changed its name. Sean Lock didn't need to die for me to recognize how funny he was.

So to answer your actual question, it is those meerkats that are (not) fine. The one at the zoo where Sean Lock went. In case anyone's wondering, when I first made my Tumblr account in August 2020, right after I'd watched all of Cats and Catsdown, Tumblr asked me for my URL and I went with "Tell the meerkats it's fine" due to the Sean Lock joke, and then Tumblr asked me what I wanted for my blog title, and I immediately knew I wanted to reference my favourite episode of Catsdown:

[msprojects]

Hokuto's Radio Show - Episode 1, Part 1 out of 4

I'm back with one of my practice translations. This time, my Japanese has definitely improved, but there are still mistakes, lol.

This translation is edited to make it sound natural for an American audience (not that I'm assuming there's a huge one, just that it's the type of English background I have), so please don't worry too much if there's something you notice that's not directly translated. I'm also not a professional translator with any training, in fact, this is my training hahaha. Despite the mistakes, I hope you enjoy!

Listening to Hokuto is a pleasure, his personality shines through in the radio show and I hope it shows in my translation. He was quite nervous, and I also translated his filler words so you could see how he still did his best despite being that nervous. Precious boy!

If you have any comments or thoughts, I'd love to hear them!

Sincerely, m

-- 0:00 - The Rampage's Hokuto Yoshino presents "Hokuto Radio"! ["Escape" by The Rampage from Exile Tribe starts to play.] Good evening, everyone! This is Hokuto Yoshino from The Rampage (from Exile Tribe). Thanks for tuning in~! Right, so, starting today, I'll be hosting this show called "Hokuto Radio", and since it's my first time hosting on my own, I'm, uh, probably gonna mess up on some parts, so I would appreciate everyone's patience and understanding. Today's date is October 7, 2023, and for the next 30 minutes, I will be your host and I'll be presenting you a program packed with personality. To everyone at Nippon Broadcasting System and everyone listening in, thank you for your support! Let's get on with the show! Okay, so, an introduction is needed so please let me introduce myself. Um, my name is Hokuto Yoshino. My last name is written with the words "fortune" from "great fortune", "field" from "pastoral field"*, and when put together with "person of the north", you get my name, Hokuto! So yeah, um, I'm one of the singers from a group called "The Rampage from Exile Tribe," and we'll be celebrating our debut's seventh anniversary in a few months. Yeah, uh, the group has 16 members and um, we have three singers and 13 dancers, which makes us, uh, a 16-person group. Also, besides being a singer, I have also done some acting. I've appeared in movies like "What's Wrong with Being Popular" and "High&Low The Worst." I've also been in dramas like "Stand Up Start" and others, and I'd be happy if you could check them out! 2:00 - Right. *laughs* I'm so nervous! Okay. I sound a little bit stiff, don't I~ Normally, when it's the 16 of us, one of us will be in charge of doing most of the talking. But talking by myself... Gah, I'm so nervous. It's been about, well, seven years since our group debuted, so when we do intermissions during our concerts, like, I've already gotten used to speaking in front of an audience, and um, if the 3 of us vocalists are together, I know that if I trip up, they'll cover for me. So really, doing it by myself is kinda scary.

I'm really nervous right now! If I mess up, nobody's gonna come to my rescue. Man. Well, anyway, even so, I'll do my best and still have fun. Everyone, let's have fun together! 3:00 - Right, so as I said earlier, today starts my first radio program. It's already Saturday evening so I won't be doing an all-out, high-energy show, but I would like to comfortably spend this time talking with and listening to each other. I'm still new to this but I hope you all enjoy the show~ I wonder who's listening in right now. Well, generally, a lot of our fans are teenagers, but I'm looking forward to finding out who is tuning in. We'll have a Q&A corner and so on, so please definitely send in your questions. I'll also be waiting to hear your thoughts and comments on the show. 4:00 - Please send your messages to the following email address: hokuto@1242.com, that is Hokuto "at" mark, one, two, four, two dot com. H-O-K-U-T-O is for my name, Hokuto. If you post your comment on X*, please use a hashtag with "Hokuraji" in hiragana as well.* Okay, so now I'll play the show's first song, and I chose one of our recent releases. Here is "Summer Riot." [Music break at 4:37 for  "Summer Riot" by The Rampage from Exile Tribe] -- Translator's notes:  *pastoral field = this is not a direct translation, as far as I know 「野原」 just means "field" but it would sound weird if I said "take the word 'field' from 'field'."

*X is formerly Twitter

*Copy and paste this hashtag: #ほくらじ

[what-if-nct]

hi hi hi today's reminder is i was super excited for my bachelorette, it was inner circle only (my sisters and my 2 best friends) and while they individually say they're up for it, i made a group chat where only one of my friends ever responds and we've been the only ones talking about the trip we're planning and it's been a while with radio silence from everyone else and now I'm just sad because i don't wanna push it anymore but i was SO excited about this and tbh i would move heaven and earth for these people (and have gone so far out of my way to help my friends with some personal stuff very recently) and they can't even respond to a text? i thought i was planning my own bachelorette because I like planning trips but i don't wanna do it if it means i have to force people to come and now I kinda just wanna drop the whole thing and it just sucks and I'm very very very sad about it. like my fiance is coming back tomorrow from a bachelor trip that his colleagues took him on (admittedly they are close among their other work friends but colleagues all the same) and they had all these surprised booked for him and my actual sisters can't so much as bother to think about a date so i can do the planning and the bookings myself

Aw, I'm so sorry, what's meant to be an exciting moment isn't going as planned, and people aren't showing up for you as they should. It's your time, one of the most amazing and important moments of your life. And you absolutely deserve to have everyone being attentive and responsive. I'm so sorry they aren't as evolved as you'd like. I understand how much it must hurt. You just want to be with those you love the most, and you're having a difficult time doing that. if it comes down to it, I'd say if, in the upcoming days, people still aren't giving you the effort you need. Just plan a trip with just you and the only friend helping you. It would be so sad if you had to miss out on your Bachelorette event. It's one of the funniest parts of the wedding plans. I really hope you can find a way to still have it. Because you absolutely deserve to have the most amazing time, it's your moment, and you should get everything you deserve.

[hotarutranslations]

Also There Is An Album Announcement!

Evening

Streamed today, Harami-chan no Haramifan Radio♪

Ishida Ayumi and Sakurai Rio, Visited as guests🤍

We'll be visiting this time and on next weeks stream too! Happy

Have you already listened to it.. Its amazingggg.. I was actually really shouting about this, Within the radio show, I got to sing, Alongside Harami-chan's live piano playing..😭😭

Eeehhhhh man, it was so cool..

Although I was singing, I was thinking, Nah, I'd like to just hear the piano, Really, thank you very much

You can express so much with just the piano..! I was really, really, moved so, Everyone please definitely listen to it😭🫶🏻

74th Single Commemorative Release Mini Live & Farewell Meet

It was today Thank you very much

.💿💿✨️

Yesterday and today, We've continuously been #1 on the Oricon for 2 days🏅 Thank you very much, for that!

The event was really over in the blink of an eye, Thank you very much enjoying it☝🏻☝🏻

Speaking of, during the event, Like, talking about the single… We didn't do that in particular but ⚠️lol

Magazine, Shows and Radio, We've spoken with varous medias so, (Further, we talked about it on Harami-chan Radio) Please search and look for them!

Nanadaka Sentimental na Toki no Uta..

SaiKIYOU..

Its interesting how the color is so different in one piece, Everyone who got their hands on the 74th single, Again, really, thank you🤍

Its the day after the single release but..

There was a big announcement today🌻

In the autumn, it was decided we'll release an album

This album finally, will be Ishida's last work💿💿✨️

Its an album so there will be lots of new songs, right, There are many songs that I can call my last work, I can imagine it even more~🤍

I'm really, looking forward to it🤍

The release of yesterdays single, We didn't say anything special with the release of it, I thought about it a lot in my own way

When I was writing the Tokyo Sports note Series, I may have whispered about it here and there~

I wonder if its difficult to be open about it~

Its not just that I couldn't give the announcement, There were many who didn't know it was being produced in the first place, There wasn't much to chew on either like, this is my..

Saying, its the first single of the 13 member system! I felt like that fit these songs that were aggressive,🔥 That's really the truth,

I was surprised to see myself on the thumbnail, of the Nandaka Sentimental na Toki no Uta.. MV, Partly because I had no intention of it being that way🙃🙃

I thought, huh~? Its like that~? lol

When asked about it suddenly, I couldn't really speak about it well with words like "last single", I ended up unintentionally using it, …There may be more like this in the future😕😕

Eeh, its like, I'm saving "last" for the album? I wonder if that's how I was feeling? I don't really get it myself?

I conveyed this with my graduation announcement as well but, Everything related to the graduation, will my last first experience of it so,

Its a problem, although I'm thankful😂😂 lol

There is a lot moving around in my heart, Isn't it becoming autumn, I'm excited🤤

Its less than a month until our first day of the autumn tour

Lets definitely have a fun autumn together😌🤍

Play▶️List

Graduation Announcement Blog🐣🪽

Hello! Station #531 I also talk about my graduation in this video

📺Otoboke POPS

TokyoMX August 17th (Sat) 9:30~10:00PM Ishida, Sakurai, Yumigeta are appearing💙🤎❤️

📺Hello Pro Dance Every other Thursday at 11:30PM~

📺Sendai Broadcast "Ara Ara Kashiko" Ishida Ayumi Goes~! I appear once a month as part of the AraKashi Family

The previous shows, and makings, are on OX VIDEO STORE!

Thank you for following.. Instagram💙🩵

💿 August 14th new single✨ "Nandaka Sentimental na Toki no Uta/saiKIYOU"

🪩Hello! Project 2024 Summer ALL OF US "Vega" "Altair" From July 13th~September 1st Traveling To 7 Cities Nationwide All Hello! Project groups are performing🔥

⚾️Rakuten Mobile Park Miyagi August 30th (Fri) Orix Match I will be making the ceremonial pitch

🪩"Morning Musume '24 Concert Tour Autumn WE CAN DANCE!"

Its Ishida Ayumi's last tour💙 I'm looking forward to seeing you

🪩"ROCK IN JAPAN FESTIVAL 2024 in HITACHINAKA" September 22nd GRASS STAGE 10:30AM~

→Tickets are on general sale

📻Morning Musume '24 Morning Jogakuin ~Houkago Meeting~

Airs Every Saturday, On Radio Nihon at 12:00AM~

Past Broadcast Episodes Are Available →Program Details

I visited as a guest🪽 "Sayashi Riho and The Time From Now On" presented by Meiji Bulgarian Yogurt

Can I ask this!

With singles and albums, What is the mindset, how is it different, I'd like to know if you can put it in writing🙊🙊

see you ayumin <3

[birdiewrites78]

The Four Seasons

Hi, I'd like to start by introducing myself. My name is Elle, and I'm a freshman in college. I'm trying to get back into writing, and this is my first attempt. I have written a Hotch X OC story that is part of a larger fanfiction. Aaron reflects on his year of knowing my original character in the story. It's been a while since I've written anything, so I would appreciate any feedback. Thank You!

Word Count ~ 1500

Summer

From the first day I met her, I knew that she was everything to me. My thoughts were overtaken by the smell of her perfume and the pleasantness of her voice. She greatly impaired my judgment, and that made me angry. I thought she was a plant from Strauss, which I would have preferred; at the time, I thought it would make things easier if I could just hate her. It felt like a sick punishment for my lack of faith—to make me fall in love with someone that I in no way deserved. We clashed because of our abhorrent combination of pride; she always questioned my decisions and found every opportunity to voice her opinion. I had to quickly reconcile the idea that she got this job through her own merits and that she was expectably good at public relations. She had this quality to her that she seemed to show everyone but me, and that just made people like her. I tried most times not to look at her, because whenever I did, I reverted into a teenage boy and lost all of my senses. The only saving grace for me was that she also harbored animosity towards me, which made swallowing my feelings easier—well,  at least for a bit.

Fall

In September, we slowly started to become friends, and I apologized to her for my harsh nature. We were somewhat similar in that way—passionate people who could be seen as abrasive. Our friendship really took off when she fainted in the middle of the field. I couldn't think about anything but her safety. I realized then how precious she was to me, how I craved to make her smile, and how badly I wanted her to at the very least see me as someone she could trust. I knew I wasn't owed her love, but I can't lie and say that I didn't want it. Towards the end of the month, I learned more about her when I picked her up one day when we were called in for a case. I was made for loving you; it was played on the radio, and I found out it was one of her favorite songs. From then on, I played it when I thought of her, which was so often how Jack remembered the song. Speaking of my son, I had never seen someone value him so much in the same way she did. She had a point of buying a puzzle for him whenever we went on a case, even though she had only met him once at that point. She just had a way of valuing people that I admired, and Jack constantly talked about her. During Thanksgiving, or a Thursday dinner with friends, as she regarded it, I had seen them interact. It was the happiest I had ever seen Jack, and while part of me felt envious of their connection, a larger part of me only loved her more.

Winter

December was the most crucial month for our love story. I was injured on the case, and she became frantic in a way I had never seen before. She insisted that I rest and tend to my wounds; her touch evoked a new spark in me that I never wanted to go away. It took away the pain of my injuries. She hugged me, crying after she cleaned me up, and stroked her back, just trying to comfort me. I was forced to consider the possibility that my feelings weren't as unrequited as I thought.

After that, I selfishly did what I could to be close to her again. I messed up my tie because I knew she would fix it, and I woke up an hour early to do my hair in the style she had told me that she liked once. Morgan commented on how I was whipped, and I couldn't care less. We started to sit next to each other on the plane, and after I found out that she hated the rain, I always carried an umbrella with me. The day that I knew for sure that she loved me was the day that I had saved her life. We were searching for a spastic shooter that seemed to target at random. Until we got a tip that they were going to hit the place where she was going to give a press conference.

I had only felt a similar level of panic the day Hayley died. I rushed there with the only thought on my mind: I couldn't let this happen again. I had tackled her, shielding her from the bullets scattering around us with my body. I'll never forget what she said to me: “I never noticed; your eyes had flecks of gold in the sunlight.” I was confused as to why that was her comment until I realized she thought we were going to die. It was her way of admitting she had noticed the little things about me. She touched the pieces of hair she could reach and started to smile at me, but I refused to let her die. I found us covered, started shooting back, and radioed to the others that we were under attack. Eventually, the shooter was eliminated, and I knew then that I had to tell her that I loved her.

It was at the annual holiday party when we started to date. It was a climatic night, and when I first saw her walk down the stairs all dressed up, I could swear for a few minutes that my heart stopped. The way I desired her was so dangerous. I was privy enough to hold her as we shared a dance together. I could feel her heart beating fast, and I knew she loved me. We retreated to the balcony, where we noticed it was the first snowfall we had seen for the year. She stared out over the property and confessed, She loved me. It was a night I will never forget. It was the first time she was truly vulnerable with me, and I finally learned why she hated the rain. I knew I couldn't help but love her forever, and I would do anything to make her feel comfortable with me.

Spring

We celebrated all of the major holidays together: Christmas, her birthday, which happened to be New Year's Day, and Valentine's Day. I was able to see her feel comfortable enough to love me, and after everything she had been through, I never wanted her to feel any pain. Spring was her favorite month, so after taking Jack to school once a week, I would bring her tulips because I knew how much she loved them. We had to hide our love from the team and especially Strauss, and while I wouldn't change a thing, it's not an ideal situation to date your employee. Well, it was hidden until May, when her life was put in danger. She walked into a standoff because she knew the man and wanted to help resolve it peacefully. The thing I loved most about her also brought me immense pain, and I understood how Hayley felt. I didn't leave her, though I proposed to her, because I realized how short life was and I didn't want to live with any regrets. To my surprise and pleasure, she said yes. It didn't feel scary, though I didn't have any worries about whether we would last or if this was the right decision because I knew it was. I wanted to show the whole world how devoted I was to her.

Summer

It was a rare day in August when I was able to sleep in. I woke up to her covering me in kisses. I could never get enough of her warmth and the sweetness of her kiss. Every morning, I wake up with a smile because I get to wake up next to her. What I wasn't expecting was what she would say next: "Let's get married." She whispered, and I was confused, so I answered, “We already are, honey." She laughed and clarified what she meant: "Let's Get Married Today.” I don't think I've ever smiled wider. She put on her mother's old wedding dress, and I put on the suit I wore to the holiday party. We made a stop before the courthouse so she could get me a wedding band. I had never seen her smile so much. I never wanted her to stop. I held her hand the entire day, and I never took my eyes off of her once; she looked so beautiful as a bride. I didn't understand how I got so lucky. After we were pronounced husband and wife, I picked her up and spun her around. I will never forget the giggle she let out in surprise. I kissed her like I would never be able to again. But I would, and I was able to kiss her forever. I don't know what brought her to me—maybe God, fate, or whatever you want to call it—but I knew that I wouldn't repeat my last mistake and I would never let her go. Well, she and our daughter are on the way.

[encrucijada]

in-character oc interview!

taken from @coarsely ! i thought long and hard about who i wanted to pick... decided to go with connor from haze dogs because i'm supposed to be paying attention to her and not getting distracted by other things.

are you named after anyone?

"not that i know of? i always sort of suspected my parents wanted a boy so they named me the name they would have named him but then benjy showed up at the door and his name is very much not connor so, who knows." (editor's note: connor's name means lover of hounds. this was an accident and so thematically perfect)

when was the last time you cried?

"walking home from adán's stupid party. i don't want to talk about it, i just drank too much, okay?" (editor's note: if you know, you know)

do you have kids?

"i recently learned my parents had benjy when they were sixteen. i think my mum would kill me if i got pregnant at nineteen. lucky for her i don't want kids, no sane person would have kids in this town. no offence to my parents."

do you use sarcasm a lot?

"i am a person of refined taste and use only the best sourced sarcasm. the trick is to be nasty all the time so people don't really know when you're being sarcastic or not, keeps them on their toes."

what’s the first thing you notice about people?

"whether or not annoying them would be entertaining for me. and i guess i also notice their clothes, delilah has gotten into my head about what people are wearing."

what’s your eye colour?

"dark brown, same as my mum's. dad's eye colour is a little bit lighter, i think, at least in the right light. still benjy looks the most like mum."

scary movies or happy endings?

"are these mutually exclusive?"

any special talents?

"i'm quite good at giving clothes a second life, most of what i own is secondhand and put back together by myself. everything is my style if i do it myself. i also do this with jewellery, eclectic necklaces and earrings, that sorta thing."

where were you born?

"i've been in this town my whole life and in this town i will die like all of us will. mum says she couldn't get to the clinic, though, so i came into this world in the car."

do you have any pets?

"my mum has a sweet mutt named miel who's been my sister longer than benjy has been my brother. the name is kinda self-explanatory, her fur looks like honey. and he's definitely nothing of mine but the belgian sheepdog that looks after the sheep really likes me."

what sort of sports do you play?

"i did archery for a while in school, i still do it sometimes there's plenty of space to shoot without hurting someone. i make dummies out of old clothes and hay put inside garbage bags."

how tall are you?

"1.56, taller than mum but shorter than dad."

what was your favourite subject in school?

"i was a freak who really liked spanish, like grammar and stuff. i liked learning how to properly write things. geography was also my favourite part of social studies, i used to have all of that memorised. now i can barely remember the differences between taiga and tundra."

what is your dream job?

"no job, just chilling. but i guess if i had to choose i'd pick radio drama narrator, horror specifically. i think i have the voice for it."

[shiningwonderland]

Camus (All Star)

Translator: Mimi (Twitter: _mimisaurora)

Proofreader: Raz (Twitter: agnadance)

Editors: Noemi (Twitter: dreaminbeyond), Snail (Twitter: herbert_snail)

Chapter Three — Flame of Ice

It's now December, and we are in the final stretch of the unit project's songwriting process.

Everyone is still fighting with each other, but they are definitely making progress towards achieving the same goal of performing live.

I'm doing my best every day to bring out the best in the song too.

Life in Camus-senpai's house, on the surface, is no different than it has been before.

I've grown used to this somewhat bizarre lifestyle together, and can now talk to Camus-senpai fairly well.

To an outsider, our life together with Alexander might even seem harmonious.

However, Camus-senpai is hiding a major secret. Something to do with both Cecil-san and the president….

For Camus-senpai, who typically pretends to be uninterested in everything, this is probably the only thing he is willing to completely devote himself to–

This secret remains tightly sealed, like a frozen lake covered in ice, as the days continue to pass.

Today, after the recording of a radio show, Senpai is scheduled to do an interview for a women's magazine.

As his assistant, I stand nearby and watch as he answers the reporter's questions effortlessly and efficiently.

Reporter: ... Well, I see. Thank you very much for that. And lastly, please share with us some thoughts on your ideal woman.

Camus-senpai tilts his head slightly at the question.

Camus: My... ideal woman? I believe every woman is different and has her own unique charms, so it's difficult to say whether one is better than the other.

However, if I had to choose, I'd say she'd be a very beautiful and noble woman whom I'd like to serve.

Reporter: Mmm. Camus-san's answers are always spot-on.

Camus: Is that so? Really, I am merely sharing my honest opinion.

Reporter: There have been many other people whose answers were quite outlandish! Of course, there were those with simple responses, too. Like, "a family-oriented woman," for example.

Someone who is a good cook and considerate. What do you think of such women, Camus-san?

Senpai is at a loss for words for a second.

Camus: Well… they're not bad, I suppose.

Reporter: Oh? How surprising! I thought you'd say something along the lines of, "Of course, every woman is charming."

Camus: W-well... You're absolutely correct. But if they happen to be too "family-oriented," I, as a butler, would find myself out of a job.

Reporter: Ahaha. I get it now~. Camus-san is a butler idol, right?

The interview continues with a friendly and relaxed atmosphere.

After the interview, he didn't have anything else scheduled–as rare as that is–so we decide to go straight back to the tower.

Haruka Nanami: Ah, Alexander is almost out of food. Can we stop by the store?

Camus: We have no choice. We can't let that one starve, you know.

On the way, we get out of the taxi and head to our usual shop.

Alexander will only eat the food from here.

Haruka Nanami: We're not far from the tower now, but would you like me to call for a taxi again?

Camus: No, sometimes it's better to walk the rest of the way home.

Haruka Nanami: That's true. And the weather is pretty nice. Alright then, let's do that.

It continues to be cold every day, but today is the warmest it has been in a while. I guess I could call it a pleasant spring-like day.

We usually drive around a lot, so it’s refreshing to go out on foot.

We stroll leisurely while looking at the city in winter.

Camus: By the way, how is your work coming along?

Haruka Nanami: Now that the Christmas live is coming up, I don't have many other projects to do, so I can take it easy!

I reply with a smile, and he turns his head to the side looking a little displeased.

Camus: Hmph… I don't see how you can be happy, as a rookie, that you don't have any more jobs to do.

I move one step behind and follow him.

Camus-senpai takes bigger strides than I do, but...

… He still adjusts his walking speed so I don't have to rush to keep up with him.

I've actually noticed recently that he always adjusts his stride when he walks with me.

Although he likes to refer to me as his "servant," at the same time, whenever I'm busy working on my compositions, he's started taking care of things around the tower for me....

The more I learned, the less I understood him.

Haruka Nanami: The sun is shining so brightly–it's such a lovely day, isn't it?

Camus-senpai is as busy as ever and today he didn’t look to be feeling well, so the pleasant weather reassures me.

I hope that by taking it easy like this he'll start to feel a little better.

Then, I shiver as a cold breeze blows over me.

Haruka Nanami: Of course the wind is still cold despite the sun.

Camus: No… It's warm.

Haruka Nanami: Warm?

He looks a bit bothered as I glance up at him in surprise.

Camus: If it were summer or spring I could deal with it, but I can't get used to this country's tepid winters. It makes me uncomfortable.

What is it about today in particular? If it's cold, then it's cold. If it's hot, then it's hot. The climate here obviously has no idea what it wants to be.

The creases between his eyebrows deepen. Right... He's from a very cold country so it makes sense he has trouble with the warmer weather.

Haruka Nanami: Is it possible the reason you looked sick today was because it was too warm for you?

Camus: I am not sick or otherwise unwell. I'm just a little thrown off guard is all.

Hm… There must be somewhere pleasantly chilly.

Haruka Nanami: Chilly? Then….

Select the phrase!

Let's find someplace cold. (+20 Love)

Haruka Nanami: Let's find someplace cold.

A well-ventilated place, a shady spot, or....

Haruka Nanami: That's it! Would you like to go to an ice skating rink?

I remember there is an outdoor skating rink in a nearby park, so I suggest going there.

It'd surely be cooler there than it is here.

Camus: An ice skating rink? I see, now that sounds comfortable. It's a good idea for a fool.

Haruka Nanami: Good, then, let's go.

Camus: Do not respond when being called a fool, you fool. I mean... nevermind.

He takes my suggestion, and together we go to the skating rink.

Since it’s a weekday afternoon, the place is emptier than I'd expect, with only a few parents and children in attendance.

A cold breeze blows across the ice and grazes our cheeks.

Camus: Oh… this is… despite the warmth of the region, they went out of their way to freeze it for entertainment…. Hmm... how interesting.

Oh, Senpai looks a bit happy.

Haruka Nanami: I've never been to this rink before, but it's huge!

Camus: Hmph. It's a sorry sight compared to the lakes of my homeland, Silk Palace. But… I suppose... It's not so bad.

Good. I'm happy he likes it.

As I've learned throughout my time living with him, "It's not bad" is a pretty high compliment for Camus-senpai.

It’s a little cold, but the wind feels nice. I'm certain he'll start to feel better if we stay here like this.

Camus: I see you can rent skates over there. Ah, yes…. Would you like to have a go?

He points toward the rental window.

Haruka Nanami: Eh…? Um… but… you mean with me?

Camus: Who else could it possibly be with? What? I thought you came here to skate.

Haruka Nanami: W-well… You see…

Sure, it's obvious you go to a skating rink to skate, but....

I’m a bit taken aback. I didn't expect such an idea from him.

Camus: It's just a suggestion. If you don't want to do it, then leave. You've got ten seconds to respond. Ten, nine, eight....

Select the phrase!

Y-yes, please! (+20 Love)

Haruka Nanami: Y-yes, please!

I bow my head in a flash.

Camus: Hmm. Good choice. Then I shall do as you ask.

Haruka Nanami: O-okay....

Camus: Hey.

Haruka Nanami: Y-yes?

Camus: You talk big, and now look at you.

Haruka Nanami: I-I….

The truth is I'm not a very good skater at all.

It's been a few years since I last skated, and I just can't seem to keep myself upright.

I can probably hold myself up if there were a railing I could hold onto… but it's not possible with this kind of rink.

Camus: Seriously. You're a mess… and quite clumsy indeed.

He sighs dismissively and skates past me, nonchalantly executing a triple axel.

This is the kind of skating you'd expect from a northern-born foreigner. It's as if he were flying in the sky, so effortless and graceful.

In comparison, I'm....

Child A: Hey, hey, Miss. Whatcha doing?

Child B: Oh? Maybe she can't skate?

I’m startled by the sudden voices, and when I look up, I find myself surrounded by children.

Haruka Nanami: Y-yeah. Kind of….

Child C: Eh–? Why come if you can't skate? Tell us, tell us.

Child A: I mean, the rink is a place to skate. It's annoying if you just sit there.

Haruka Nanami: I-I'm sorry… But….

Child B: Annoying, annoying! Now you're in the way. Hey, let's get her out of here!

Child C: Out, out! Yeah!!

Haruka Nanami: E-eh?!

The children begin to push and pull me back and forth.

Haruka Nanami: Wait just a second, stop-

Child A: Yeah, yeah. Move, move!

I try to resist, but am instead helpless as my feet slide around.

Haruka Nanami: Hold onーAh…!

Child B: It's a no-no~ Someone who can't skate can't be in the rink~

Camus: … What are you doing, you little worms?

A booming voice echoes around me, causing the boys surrounding me to jolt and tense up.

Before I know it, Camus-senpai is standing behind the group of children, his brows furrowed menacingly.

He glares at the kids with a scowl on his face.

Children: AHH! IT'S THE DEVIL!

Instantly, they scatter away like a bunch of baby spiders, screaming.

Camus: ... Who are they calling a devil?

He looks away from the children and back at me with a dismayed expression, as if trying to say something.

Camus: You were out of my sight for only a minute, and here I find you at the mercy of mere children. You're a real handful.

Haruka Nanami: T-thank you….

Camus: So? How long do you intend to keep squatting like that?

Haruka Nanami: S-sorry. I'll start skating now. H-here I go!

He’s right. I can’t stay like this forever.

I’m determined to stand, but....

Haruka Nanami: Ah!

My feet suddenly slide and I fall bottom-first onto the ice.

Haruka Nanami: I-I'm sorry.

Camus: Good grief… I can't bear to keep watching. Come on, give me your hand.

Haruka Nanami: E-eh… I-I....

I’m a little lost, but Camus-senpai grabs my hand firmly.

Camus: I'm telling you I'm going to be teaching you. It would be an embarrassment for me if my companion were to make such an unsightly spectacle of themselves.

Haruka Nanami: B-but....

Camus-senpai wants me to skate?

I become more and more confused by his surprising words and our securely clasped hands.

Camus: Just get up.

He grips my hand more firmly.

I stagger to my feet as he pulls me up.

Camus: Don't focus on your feet. Look forward.

Haruka Nanami: Um… but… I-I'm afraid… I'm going to fall….

Camus: Oh? I'm the one who is going out of my way for this, and you don't trust me?

Select the phrase!

N-no, no. That's not true. (+15 Love)

Haruka Nanami: N-No, no. That's not true.

Camus: Then don't be afraid. A nobleman from Silk Palace, a country of ice, is going to teach you in person. You should be honored.

Haruka Nanami: O-okay….

Camus: Lift your head. This is me you're with. There isn't even a remote chance you will fail.

I timidly look up at him and he begins to skate slowly, pulling on both of my hands.

We carefully make our way near the center of the rink this way.

Haruka Nanami: …H-hn….

No matter how much I tell myself it's going to be okay, I can't help but feel unsteady on my feet and glance downward.

Camus: You're faltering. Get it together.

He puts his finger on my forehead and pushes against it. My face automatically turns upward and my posture straightens.

Camus: Stand tall. Tuck your chin in. Don't look down. Just look at me. There….That's better.

Haruka Nanami: G-got it.

Camus: Now… let's go.

He abruptly turns to face the front, letting go of one of our clasped hands.

His long hair sways, reflecting in the sunlight, and his skates glide securely on the ice.

We begin to skate at a much faster pace than ever before.

Haruka Nanami: Ah....

The speed increases rapidly as I’m pulled by the hand holding us together.

It’s hard to believe that my feet were wobbly just a few minutes ago, but now they're completely straight and the sound of the edges sliding against the ice is soothing.

Haruka Nanami: Ah...!

The cold air brushes against my cheeks, and it feels so much better than when I was watching from the sidelines.

Camus: What do you think? Doing this is a lot more fun than squatting.

Each time I’m about to lose my balance, he gently squeezes my hand and immediately corrects my direction.

I’m gradually growing more and more comfortable with this sense of security, and at last I gather the courage to look up.

The glistening rink is beautiful. We’re passing swiftly through the people who are skating as well.

It’s as if I have become the breeze, and I can't help but smile.

Camus: Hm. You seem to have become a lot more composed.

He glances back at me.

Oh... his eyebrows aren't furrowed?

He turns to look forward so quickly, I wasn't sure if those usual creases were really gone from his profile, but....

He appears to be enjoying himself a little as he skates holding my hand.

Looking at Camus-senpai's profile, skating just a bit ahead of me, I can clearly see the depth and beauty of his features.

I’m reminded of the fact that he is an idol who can charm many people with a single smile.

Camus: Now, let go of my hand.

Haruka Nanami: Eh....

Camus: What's the surprise? Do you intend for me to continue pulling you along like a child?

Haruka Nanami: N-no, that's not it, I'm just… I'm not ready....

Camus: That's a shame. I'm unaware of that being the circumstance. Go on, now.

Haruka Nanami: Ah. A-aah….

He quickly lets go of my hand and I panic, but we had been going so fast I didn't immediately fall over.

Flustered, I still managed to keep skating, and Camus-senpai comes up beside me with a composed expression on his face.

Camus: You're pretty good at it. How boring.

Haruka Nanami: I-I... A-ah….

Whenever I’m about to lose my balance, Senpai subtly lends a hand to help me out.

Haruka Nanami: U-um, thank you.

Camus: If you have time to thank me, then look ahead. You're going to run into them.

Haruka Nanami: Huh? A-ah!

I’m about to crash into a person skating nearby, but Senpai quickly and firmly tugs on my hand.

I vigorously turn and begin to spin around.

Camus: Oh. I had no idea you could spin. Not such a big deal, is it?

Haruka Nanami: Ha… N-no, I don't know what to say....

From then on, he skates beside me from a reasonable distance, helping me every time it seemed like I would trip up.

As I practice, though I wouldn't say I’m good, I manage to skate without wavering.

Camus: Hmph. You should be fine if you can skate this well. Not bad for someone like you.

After going around the rink together a few more times, when I eventually grow tired, Camus-senpai notices and slows down right away.

He makes a nice skidding sound on the ice and I stumble to a halt.

Haruka Nanami: Thank you so much! It was very, very nice… A-ah!

I bow my head, forgetting I was on ice, and I lose my balance–collapsing down again in a heap.

Haruka Nanami: O-ow… Sorry, I lost focus….

Camus: Hahaha. You really are so dense.

I look up, startled by the sound coming from above my head, and see Camus-senpai laughing.

I really thought he was going to be mad at me....

Camus: Well, everyone is terrible at first… I wasn't very good at it either when I was a child.

Senpai pulls on my hand again to help me stand, then turns his gaze to a corner of the rink with narrowed eyes.

There, a sister and her younger brother are practicing skating together.

She’s pulling her brother along. It’s a very charming sight.

Senpai looks at the two of them for a while, not saying anything. His profile looks somewhat nostalgic, and then....

Camus-senpai looks lonely...?

Camus: I was once taught to skate like that by Her Majesty the Queen on a pond in the palace courtyard. That was... a long time ago.

Haruka Nanami: The queen…?

"Her Majesty" is often mentioned in his stories.

Senpai's family has served the queen for generations in the Silk Palace, and he seems to respect her very much too.

The queen is said to be revered like a god in the northern country of permafrost. What kind of person is she?

Haruka Nanami: Is the queen a good skater?

Camus: Absolutely. There's nothing Her Majesty cannot do. I have learned a lot from her, as well. Skating, and even the cello....

Cello....

I remember the night when we, only once, had played music together.

Select the phrase!

I'll ask more questions about the Queen. (30 Love)

The wistful, beautiful sound I heard that night is still very present in my ears. I will never forget it. His queen... taught him how to play the cello.

Haruka Nanami: The queen is a woman of many talents… Are there many other things she can do?

Camus: Yes. She is particularly fluent in languages and can speak the most common ones as well as a native.

Not to mention that she's an excellent monarch. It is only through Her Majesty's help that our country's peace is maintained.

He seems to be a little proud as he answers. He must have a real admiration for the queen.

Camus: And that's not all. She's also involved in the traditional arts, including dance. There is no one in our country who can dance better than Her Majesty.

Haruka Nanami: But I think Senpai is a very good dancer too.

Camus: What are you talking about? I wouldn't even begin to measure up to Her Majesty.

After we became partners, I watched a lot of his music videos and other films, and I found his dancing to be very impressive.

The queen must be truly amazing for him to gush over her like this.

There are a lot of things I can't do, so I admire her for that.

Haruka Nanami: So she can do everything, can she? I'm jealous of her talented athleticism.

I'm sure the queen wouldn't fall on her behind like I did if she were skating.

How nice…. With that in mind, I look out at the rink and Senpai lets out a huff.

Camus: Her Majesty is the most noble being in the world. Comparing her to an ordinary person such as yourself is irresponsible.

That said, Her Majesty is still human. It wouldn't be fair to say that even she... hasn't fallen over once in a while, too.

He glances at my face and looks back at the rink a little nostalgically, as if he had remembered something.

Camus: However… I'm sure Her Majesty would be delighted to be shown around a skating rink as spacious as this one.

I’m a bit surprised to hear that from him.

Haruka Nanami: The queen has never been to a skating rink before?

If she was the queen of the country, you'd think she would be free to do whatever she wanted.

Senpai furrows his brows a little when I ask the question.

Camus: Her Majesty is prevented from leaving the palace due to various circumstances and she cannot even look at the open sky.

Haruka Nanami: Really…?

I wonder if the queen was ill. I feel sorry for asking.

As I reflect on this, he suddenly mutters.

Camus: Her Majesty... has no allies.

Ah…. He looks forlorn again.

Haruka Nanami: But the queen is like a god, the most revered being in the land....

Camus: That's correct. Her Majesty is equal to a god. Thanks to Her Majesty's aid, all industries, including precision machinery, have developed in our country.

Haruka Nanami: Then....

Camus: What I'm saying is, God isn't coming down to Earth.

They want to put Her Majesty on a throne like a doll whilst they try to free the country themselves. That is the kind of people my country is currently inundated with.

If only it were truly about caring for their country, but they merely fight for their own selfish interests over and over again.

Regardless of how irritated he feels, an earl's status was not very high among the ranks of nobility, and on top of that, he is still young.

He has very little say in state affairs. It seems to frustrate him to admit he is unable to help the queen in her time of need.

Camus: The only thing I can do for Her Majesty is in this country....

Haruka Nanami: Senpai....

He cuts off his words with a huff and looks up grimly.

Camus: … I've said far too much nonsense. Forget it.

Haruka Nanami: But....

Camus: I said forget it.

Silence falls, and Camus-senpai turns his back to me, a bit awkwardly.

Camus: ... Let's go. You've fallen down so many times, you should change soon or you'll catch a cold. But apparently, it's said that idiots can't catch colds.

Haruka Nanami: I-I'm coming.

I hurriedly follow him as he starts to leave, and together we leave the skating rink.

I continue to gel a bit unsettled the rest of the day, even as I prepare dinner, clean up, and work on scores.

In just one day, I’ve seen so many sides of Camus-senpai that I had never seen before.

The look on his face as he skated around the rink, like he was having more fun than usual. The smile on his face when he helped me stand up after falling down.

And then, the nostalgic gaze in his eyes when he talked about the queen. That expression… It was so lonely and regretful.

Now, as I lift my head, I see him sitting on the sofa reading a book and occasionally petting Alexander.

I wonder… what he's thinking about right now.

The wrinkles between his brows, which had disappeared during the day, have returned. and I knew this was a sign that he wanted to be left alone.

I keep quiet and focus on my work.

It’s mid-December, and the countdown to the Christmas live show is finally ticking.

The unit song is almost complete, and the quality is only getting better and better.

The guys will be singing together in the studio today to adjust and finalize the vocals.

I know there isn't much I can do at this point, but I still want to make it as wonderful as possible. I put my mind to the task.

During a break, Kurosaki-senpai approaches me as I check over the scores in the corner.

Ranmaru Kurosaki: So? Any luck fixing it?

Haruka Nanami: Yes, I was wondering if I could have five more minutes of your time so that I can get your feedback.

Ranmaru Kurosaki: All right. Oh, and fix this too while you're at it. The notes don't sound right in practice.

Kurosaki-senpai reaches out and taps the edge of the sheet music.

Haruka Nanami: Here?... Uh... oh, yes. I see now. I'll make the necessary adjustments.

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Hm, thanks.

I thought Kurosaki-senpai was very harsh and unapproachable at first, but....

As we started working together, little by little, he eventually came to recognize me as someone he could confidently talk to about work.

These days, out of the three senpai other than Camus-senpai, I'm able to talk to Kurosaki-senpai the most.

Haruka Nanami: The middle part is much better, I think. As soon as we get the last portion fixed....

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Relax. You'll only make mistakes if you rush it. There's still time.

Camus-senpai had gone outside to get some fresh air, while Kotobuki-senpai and Mikaze-senpai were buying some drinks. We certainly have time to spare.

Haruka Nanami: Right. Um, this is the part where you and Camus-senpai sing together. Do you mind if I change this part a little too?

I'll only change it a little, but Camus-senpai seems to be having trouble fitting in....

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Huh? Did the bastard really say that?

Haruka Nanami: That's not it… I just can kind of understand Camus-senpai's particularities.

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Huh…? I don't get it. Is it "lover's intuition", or somethin' like that?

Haruka Nanami: No, that also isn't… We simply spend a lot of time together, so naturally....

Ranmaru Kurosaki: … Hey, you still live in that mansion with that asshole?

Haruka Nanami: Huh? I do.

I nod and he heaves a sigh.

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Ha... I don't get how you can be with a guy like him. What good can he do?

When asked, I’m at a loss for words.

The lie we told the day of the dinner remains ongoing, and Kurosaki-senpai believes Camus-senpai and I are lovers.

Select the phrase!

He does have good qualities! (+15 Love)

Haruka Nanami: He does have good qualities!

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Good qualities, huh? Well, I can't think of any.

Haruka Nanami: Well, for instance, he always looks unconcerned, but in reality he's a very hardworking person....

He's actually very caring despite appearances, like how he treasures Alexander.

He pretends to be indifferent to his junior, Cecil-san, but actually worries about him.

He also taught me many things, like at the skating rink....

Haruka Nanami: There are times when I'm in a bind and too busy at home, taking too much time, and he will help me out without saying a word.

The more we talk, the more positive aspects of Camus-senpai pop into mind.

Haruka Nanami: And then....

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Aaah... I got it. My bad.

Camus: Haruka. Don't speak so comfortably with Kurosaki.

Startled by the sudden voice, I look up and before I know it, Camus-senpai is standing nearby.

Camus: You'll catch some barbaric traits if you talk to this fool... Whatever were you talking about?

Ranmaru Kurosaki: What the…? You'll have to hear 'bout it later, it's dumb. Now c'mon, let's have a go at this one more time.

Just then, Kotobuki-senpai and Mikaze-senpai return and I hurriedly get up from my seat.

After the break, they come together to repeat the song several times.

Their constant discussions help the song grow closer and closer to perfection, and it’s then I begin to really feel how amazing the four of them are.

But… their expressions once they finished singing are not in any way enthusiastic.

Reiji Kotobuki: Hmm… It might be too late to do anything about it now, but something is still missing. I wonder why that is....

Ai Mikaze: I think the instrumentals and lyrics are totally fine. But it's not enough. I wouldn't want to perform a show like this.

Reiji Kotobuki: Uuuugh… What could it beee....

Kotobuki-senpai holds his head in his hands, and an awkward silence falls over the studio.

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Cut the crap. You guys know exactly what the reason is.

Kurosaki-senpai speaks to Mikaze-senpai and a distressed Kotobuki-senpai, turning his head towards Camus-senpai.

Camus: Kurosaki… what do you want to say?

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Don't tell me that even the guilty didn't notice. What about you, woman?

Haruka Nanami: R-right. I....

Well... Maybe, no, the cause of the problem wis without a doubt Camus-senpai.

He sings again today without making any mistakes, as usual.

But amidst the collision of three unique individualities, a single voice taking a step back disturbs the harmony of the group.

If Camus-senpai were to be in a supporting role like in Tsukimiya-sensei's commercial....

I'm sure it would have turned out great. He is very skilled at singing along to other people's songs.

But I didn't intend for this song to be like that.

I want the four of them to equally play off of each other's personalities, but that only ruins the balance....

While I’m unsure of what to say, Camus-senpai huffs.

Camus: You believe I am responsible for this? How outrageous. I'm sorry, but my singing should have been perfect.

Ranmaru Kurosaki: On paper. But there's no "passion" in your singing. I can't feel anything in your music.

At Kurosaki-senpai's words, Camus-senpai shrugs his shoulders, as if exasperated.

Camus: I don't follow whatever you're trying to say.

Ranmaru Kurosaki: You seriously don't get it? How many years have you been singing now?

You're pretty hopeless… so-called noble.

The atmosphere is tense.

Camus: Silence. Do not talk about "nobility". You were the one who abandoned your family and your duties.

A man who runs away from aristocracy has no right to speak on the matter, you loser.

Kurosaki-senpai bites his bottom lip and the two of them lock eyes with each other.

Haruka Nanami: U-um....

A painfully strained mood, different from their usual fights, envelops the area.

What should I do? I have a bad feeling that they both have really crossed the line.

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Keep going, lap dog. You're the one who's all bark and no bite.

Ain't that right? All the crap that ever comes out of your mouth are brags and lies. Where's your heart?

Kurosaki-senpai approaches Camus-senpai and pounds on his chest with his fist.

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Your music's hollow 'cause this has never felt passion.

Camus: My heart doesn't burn with passion... you say? Rubbish. I don't see the need for such a thing.

Camus-senpai grabs onto Kurosaki-senpai's fist on his chest and briskly swings it away.

Camus: Not only is it not necessary, but the heart and mind are only a hindrance. The only necessity is the will to accomplish your goal.

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Hah. You make it sound like you can do it, but won't. Are you really unable to be passionate about anything?

All you do is pander to others. Life's good when you don't have to do anythin' by your own damn self, isn't it?

Camus: I've heard enough from this disgraced scion....

Oh no, no, what do I do? I have to stop this somehow....

But knowing I can't just go in there without a plan, I stand there frozen.

And despite the two of them glaring at each other for a while–

Camus-senpai suddenly chuckles as if he had thought of something.

Camus: No passion, huh? … If that's what it looks like to you, then you might want to get your eyes checked.

Fine. Hear for yourself if my heart lacks passion.

His head snaps over to look at me. The anger he had felt earlier is gone from his face.

Camus: Haruka. Play it.

Haruka Nanami: R-right away!

Reiji Kotobuki: Okay! Let's see how serious Myu-chan really is!

Ai Mikaze: Well then, as long as the song's quality can be improved, I'll go along with it.

Kotobuki-senpai rolls up his sleeves, and beside him, Mikaze-senpai quietly rises from his seat.

Then, they sing once more.

Song: “Quartet Night” (S Rank)

When the song is over, Mikaze-senpai lets out a small huff in amazement.

Ai Mikaze: Okay, well... no complaints about that one here.

Camus: Hm. Of course there isn't. Who do you think I am? The song itself wasn't... bad, either.

Ai Mikaze: Huh, I think this is the first time I've heard Camus compliment a song.

Camus: … I had no idea.

The instrumentals are revised to match the change in Camus-senpai's singing.

The other members of the group sing with as much passion as they can muster, and adapt their own vocals to match.

Kotobuki-senpai, Mikaze-senpai, Kurosaki-senpai, and Camus-senpai all seem to be enjoying themselves, though none of them said so out loud....

And just before time ran out, they sing through the song one more time.

Haruka Nanami: Wow....

I watch in amazement as everyone finishes singing.

My impression of the performance now and the performance before are like night and day. Particularly, the way Camus-senpai sings now is completely different from the way he’s been doing it before.

He stopped trying to fit in with the rest and didn't try to hide his own power or his fervor.

His voice captured my heart. He possesses absolute charisma.

The others are no match for Camus-senpai.

The others also never lost their own individuality; instead their vocals were evenly matched, enhancing instead of overshadowing each other.

The whole song is now reborn as something far more wonderful.

Reiji Kotobuki: Ahhh! Amazing! This is the one! We did it, Kouhai-chan!!

Haruka Nanami: Y-yeah....

Reiji Kotobuki: What's going on? You're not looking too happy. Hahaha, now then, have you been too busy admiring us?

Haruka Nanami: Y-yes. Everyone was very wonderful….

I didn't look... happy?

Of course I’m happy. How could I not be happy?

For a composer, there is no greater joy than to write a song you consider to be perfect and have it sung in the most exquisite way possible.

But... I wonder why my hands tremble.

I felt definite passion in Camus-senpai's voice, just as he had described.

I have always thought that he was a pretty stoic guy, but it surprises me to see this side of him.

I wonder what it is that made Camus-senpai react this way.

… Or who it is.

As soon as the thought crosses my mind, pain blooms in my chest and I find myself taken aback.

I wonder who Camus-senpai has been thinking about when he sings.

The unit song is nearing completion, and I am one step closer to my debut.

I should have been elated, but instead I find myself feeling uneasy.

A few days later, the Christmas live has finally arrived.

On the day of the concert, I head backstage to the group's designated waiting area.

Today's show is a gathering of the Shining Agency's most talented members, and they will be opening the show.

The first song will influence the mood of the whole event, so it's a great honor, but it also comes with a lot of responsibility.

I’m also very nervous. My heart has been racing since this morning and it simply wouldn't stop.

Reiji Kotobuki: Ahh. No matter how many years I spend doing this, this very moment always gives me the jitters~

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Heh. You can't call yourself a pro if you work yourself up every time.

Ai Mikaze: So you're nervous…? I'm not sure I understand. Let's just sing like we always do.

Camus: I agree.

Reiji Kotobuki: You're all so cold! Well, Kouhai-chan's reputation is at stake here too. We need to show them how cool we are right here, right now!

Ranmaru Kurosaki: Ah, right, her job's on the line.

All of their eyes turn to look at me at once.

Yes, in order for me to stay in the agency, I must first succeed in this concert.

Ai Mikaze: I don't really care. With or without that being the case, I wasn't going to cut any corners in the first place, so the same principle will apply anyway.

Ranmaru Kurosaki: That's obvious. We'll just sing and it's going to be one hell of a show, so keep your eyes peeled.

Haruka Nanami: I will! P-please do your best! I'll be here cheering you on!

Camus: No, no…. You go to the auditorium. There are reserved seats for those involved with the event.

Eh...?

I’m surprised by his words.

This is an important concert for them. I want to watch as close to the stage as possible....

Haruka Nanami: Am… am I getting in the way by staying here?

Camus: That's not what I meant. Songs are meant to be sung to an… audience. It's not intended to be enjoyed from the wings, don't you agree?

Haruka Nanami: R-right, I suppose so.

Of course, idol songs are not for the staff, but for the fans. I compose with that in mind.

Camus-senpai looks annoyed for some reason when I explain this to him.

Camus: Just go, then. If you don't hurry, you're going to run out of time.

Haruka Nanami: A-alright.

I have no idea why he’s suddenly so insistent, but I hurry to the auditorium anyway.

The venue is filled with enthusiasm even before the concert has even started.

Haruka Nanami: Wow….

The audience's anticipation is palpable from all sides. The group is going to perform in such an environment.

Amidst the loudest cheers, the four of them are revealed under the spotlight.

It’s the perfect opening to the concert.

The crowd goes wild with their singing and dancing, and the atmosphere in the venue grows ecstatic.

Among them, Camus-senpai's voice is especially wonderful, echoing with more power and passion than I have ever felt before during rehearsals.

I can feel a different kind of warmth in his voice.

Perhaps this is because I am listening to him from the audience. I listen to his voice completely, and without the curious heartache I had succumbed to a while ago.

Seeing Camus-senpai's figure in the light... I can now understand the reason why fans cheer in delight.

This person has the potential to shine even brighter. I'm so lucky I got the chance to support him as a composer.

With this thought in mind, I clasp my hands together and gaze up at the radiant stage.

After the concert, I rush to the group's dressing room.

The crowd's enthusiasm remains unabated, and I’m pushed every which way, which ends up taking up a lot of my time, but I hurry as much as I can.

Now I can perfectly understand what Camus-senpai had meant when he told me to watch the performance from the auditorium.

That brilliance, that passion, could only be felt in the audience. I wanted to share this impression with everyone as soon as possible, but most of all, I want to share it with Camus-senpai.

In the dressing room, in addition to the senpai, Tsukimiya-sensei and Cecil-san are there too.

Reiji Kotobuki: Oh, here comes the fifth lead! Kouhai-chan, over here!

Ai Mikaze: It took you long enough. All of your colleagues came by as well, but they've already gone to the after-party.

Haruka Nanami: M-my apologies....

I bow to everyone. And as I’m about to raise my head....

The floor in front of me bursts open.

Haruka Nanami: Eeeeh!?

A huge lump flies out of the hole in the floor and crashes into the ceiling with the same force.

Haruka Nanami: W… what…?

The lump whirls around, lands by my side, and whirls around again to face me.

Shining Saotome: Ha ha ha~! Congratulations, Everyone! That was one of the Best Stages Ever!!

Haruka Nanami: President!

Shining Saotome: Miss Nanami, YOU have made it through the first phase!

Haruka Nanami: T-thank you very much!

I bow my head deeply.

Thank goodness. The president has approved of my work....

Shining Saotome: BUT, our battle is just beginning. The only thing standing between you and your debut now is to win the song festival. YOU, pull yourself together and GOGOGO.

Haruka Nanami: A-absolutely!

I sincerely lower my head once again. I’m really grateful. But....

This show's success is not the only thing I need. The president presented me with a condition: I needed to develop mutual trust with my partner before today's concert.

If we didn't, it would result in a change of partners. Worst case scenario, it could mean my disqualification.

My partner, Camus-senpai....

I’m worried, and when I gingerly look over at him, he turns his head to the side, seemingly displeased.

Camus: Hmph... If I didn't approve of you, I'd have said so already.

Haruka Nanami: Thank you so much! I'll do my best to fulfill all of your expectations!

I declare excitedly, and everybody surrounds me.

One by one, they congratulate me.

Ringo Tsukimiya: Well done, Haru-chan! That was the loveliest unit song I've ever heard!

Haruka Nanami: Tsukimiya-sensei, thank you so much.

Kotobuki-senpai is cheery as usual, while Mikaze-senpai and Kurosaki-senpai brusquely offer me their well-wishes.

And finally, Cecil-san joyfully takes my hand.

Cecil Aijima: My muse! I knew your music would be wonderful! I am deeply moved!

Haruka Nanami: Thank you. That makes me very happy to hear.

Camus: Hmph. Aijima probably intends to add, "I just wish it hadn't been Camus singing it."

Cecil Aijima: Non, great music is great music, no matter who sings it… unfortunately.

Cecil-san tilts his head a little after he says that.

Cecil Aijima: Camus, have you started to learn how to love music a little bit?

Camus: Hah. Listen to what you're saying. How could I possibly come to love music?

Cecil Aijima: I see. But, the way you sang....

Cecil-san tilts his head even further, but quickly regains his smile once again.

Cecil Aijima: It was a good song, even if it was not filled with love. I thought you were unworthy of her, but now I am rethinking it... a little.

Camus-senpai huffs and averts his gaze.

Reiji Kotobuki: Ohー! Myu-chan's feeling shy! Now, everyone, let's go to the after-party!!

Kotobuki-senpai announces loudly, and we make our way to the after-party, still in high spirits from the show.

Later, after the event, Camus-senpai and I return to our familiar home.

Camus: … Oh dear. I truly dislike such boisterous places.

Although he always behaves himself with elegance, today he appears to be exhausted and simply slumps down onto the sofa.

Haruka Nanami: You handled it really well. And also... I want to thank you. I was amazed to hear you sing the unit song so beautifully.

Camus: … It's my job, you know…. Naturally. You have nothing to thank me for.

Haruka Nanami: But it made me so happy. I also want to thank you for recommending that I watch from the audience!

I express the gratitude and admiration that I couldn't properly convey in the dressing room, and he pets Alexander with a rather troubled expression.

Camus: I'm pleased to hear you're satisfied…. But never mind that, is everything prepared for that thing?

Haruka Nanami: "That thing"?

As soon as I tilt my head in confusion, he cleares his throat with a small cough.

Camus: That... would have come up in conversation on the day we had hotpot. Sure, although it was a false pretense to deceive them, my interest in it was genuine, and....

You also know about my sweet tooth, so isn't it naturally your responsibility as a servant to grasp what I mean and make preparations?

The day we had hot-pot…. Sweets....

Haruka Nanami: Ah! You're talking about the chocolate fondue!

Camus: Y… yes.

That was last month. The day when Tsukimiya-sensei and the others came to this tower.

Camus-senpai suggested that if the Christmas live was a success, we should have chocolate fondue to celebrate.

Haruka Nanami: Of course, I have it ready for you! Please wait a moment. I'll be right back.

Camus: Y..you do? I'll leave it to you, then.

When I promptly return to the living room with a full set from the kitchen, I notice how Camus-senpai's eyes light up with a twinkle in them.

Camus: Oh. This is what you call chocolate fondue. Can I eat this... with marshmallows?

He rolls the round marshmallow between his fingers. His big hand and the cute small sweet look somewhat out of place together.

Haruka Nanami: No, not yet. The chocolate still needs to melt, so just give it a minute.

I put the fondue pot over a fire, and soon a sweet aroma fills the room.

Alexander looks around to see what’s going on.

Camus: Oho. Melt the chocolate and... then?

Haruka Nanami: We'll use these skewers. Pierce your favorite ingredients with this and dip it into the pot.

I dip a marshmallow into the chocolate and hold out the skewer.

Haruka Nanami: Here, bon appetit!

Camus: H...hm. Really, this pot sounds like child's play.

Haruka Nanami: You think so? I find that eating it this way tastes better than eating it normally.

Camus: I see....

He accepts the skewer and takes a bite of the chocolate-covered marshmallow.

Camus: Mmm… How to describe the way this marshmallow melts so well escapes me.

Haruka Nanami: Right? We still have more, so please eat lots and enjoy!

Finally, we begin to eat the chocolate fondue.

Camus: It's no secret that strawberries and chocolate pair well together, but its warmth makes it even better. Dipping bread in it is also a great idea.

Haruka Nanami: This might sound strange, but I heard that cream cheese also goes well with it too.

He shows interest, so I quickly grab some cream cheese from the kitchen. I also bring out some more fruit and chocolate.

It’d be a shame to burn the pan with the new chocolate pieces, so I put it on low heat and let it simmer....

Just as I’m about to stir the pan, I catch Camus-senpai popping an orange piece into his mouth.

Haruka Nanami: Ah, don't do that. You can't just snack on them.

Camus: It's fine. Tasty food is tasty no matter how you eat it.

With that, he slips more pieces into his mouth.

At this rate, the oranges will be gone before the chocolate melts.

Haruka Nanami: I'm telling you to stop....

Camus: You are so fussy. Well then, you may as well eat some too.

Haruka Nanami: Eh…? G-guh....

He stuffs an orange piece into my mouth.

Haruka Nanami: Nn… nnn. F-fenbai....

I can't swallow the piece properly and the juice almost spills from my mouth.

Senpai jokes to not spill it and let it go to waste, but the more I struggle, the more my throat fails to work.

What's more, I have no clue what to do with him pressing down on my lips with his finger.

Haruka Nanami: Nn… nnn. Nnn.

When I manage to force down the slice, he laughs with a mischievous expression on his face.

Camus: Heh. Looks like you managed to swallow it just fine. Now… I'd say we're both guilty as charged. I don't want to hear you complaining about it anymore.

Haruka Nanami: Y-you… That wasn't fair, Senpai.…

Another orange is quietly offered to me before I can protest any further, and while I take it without thinking, Senpai eats another piece.

We end up eating all the oranges before the chocolate could even finish melting.

We’re getting full, so we enjoy the fondue at our own leisurely pace.

As we poke at the chocolate pot, we begin chatting about anything interesting that had happened at the agency, the new cake shop that had opened up in the neighborhood, and other silly things.

When it comes time to call it a night, Camus-senpai asks with his gaze fixed on the pot.

Camus: Do… do you want to leave?

Eh…?

For a moment, I have no idea as to what he could be talking about.

Haruka Nanami: You mean leave here? Leave this house?

He clarified that is exactly what he meant. His gaze is still focused on the pot.

Apparently, he’s been watching me for a while.

After getting to know me, he realized that letting me go would do no harm.

But he makes me promise not to tell anyone about what I overheard that day.

He... simply explains that if I can't keep my promise, I risk putting myself in some kind of danger.

Senpai lets out a tiny sigh, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Camus: As for me, I just can't be bothered to live with other people. If you want to leave, then go right ahead.

This is so out of left field that I’m left speechless.

Select the phrase!

I want to stay here. (+0 Love)

Haruka Nanami: I… I want to stay here.

His eyes widen in surprise at my answer.

Camus: Well this is... unexpected. I had assumed you wanted to be rid of this life of servitude.

Haruka Nanami: You see… the work is definitely demanding, but....

But after spending time here and getting to see so many things about you, I grew eager to get to know you better.

Is that… a bad thing?

I want to be near him right now, considering all the solo songwriting that has to be done for the song festival.

He’s silent for a while and then breaks out in a strained smile.

Camus: You truly are a piece of work. I may have come to recognize the kind of person you are, but that does nothing to change my attitude towards you. Are you alright with that?

Haruka Nanami: Y-yes. Although, it would be helpful if you could go a little... easier on me.

Camus: Hm. That's a pity to hear. As if I would ever go easy on you.

He replies with a haughty tone, but his expression appears just a little bit happier.

Haruka Nanami: Ah, I'm happy to hear that. Then, I look forward to continuing working with you.

Camus: Me too. But you know... the method in which you compose music is beyond even me.

He points out that it isn't necessary to know anything about the singers, to just compose music based on popular trends and what I'm most comfortable creating.

Haruka Nanami: Well, you see, I just can't compose that way.…

It is a necessary thing for me to know the singer to be able to write a song.

Camus: Ha. You're quite cheeky for being a rookie.

Haruka Nanami: S-sorry.

Senpai puts it simply and tells me I can observe as much as I like, and starts to get up from his seat.

Haruka Nanami: Wait… that said… the reason behind me staying is not so much for the sake of composing music, but…

… Rather because you seem to be quite lonely and I want to… be by your side.

I haven't forgotten the forlorn expression I noticed the day we skated together.

If only I could touch his heart again, like the night when we quietly played music together....

And even if I can't… I didn't want to leave him alone.

As soon as I say the words, his brow raises with a twitch.

… Oh no. I feel terrible, but it’s too late to take it back now.

Senpai looks up subduedly, and the temperature around us feels like it plummeted.

Camus: Oh. So you dare say I look lonely. You've got quite the nerve….

Haruka Nanami: F-forgive me. I was just….

I bow my head profusely. He remains silent for a while and I can't bring myself to look up.

After some time has passed, I hear a small laugh.

Camus: You have the audacity to say that with such an innocent look on your face. I'll allow your boldness and overlook your disrespect.

Haruka Nanami: T-thank you....

Camus: The solo song. Get on with it and bring it to me as soon as possible.

Haruka Nanami: U-understood....

Senpai laughs again, seeming rather amused, and finally rises to his feet.

Camus: The chocolate fondue is nearly gone. I believe we should call it a night.

Once I finish cleaning up and relax for a bit, Senpai walks down the stairs from his bedroom.

Camus: I have something for you. Hold out your hand.

Haruka Nanami: Eh. Ah. A-alright.

I hold out my hand, and with a jingle, a key is dropped into my palm.

Haruka Nanami: Is this… what I think it is…?

Camus: It's the key to this tower. Use it however you wish. It would be useful to have it with you, as long as you're staying here.

Haruka Nanami: Y-yes! Thank you so much!

Camus: Of course. And while we're at it, you can have this too.

Something else is placed on my still outstretched palm.

A small aurora-colored stone, about the size of the tip of my thumb.

Haruka Nanami: Um… this is…?

Camus: A guardian stone that is passed down in my country. You're a hardworking servant. Consider it a reward. Be grateful to your merciful master.

Haruka Nanami: O-of course! Thank you! But, could this also be… a Christmas present?

Camus: … I said it was a reward. I am unfamiliar with the customs of foreign countries.

In any case, I'm going to sleep. You should go to bed soon too, Haruka.

With that said, he turns himself around and goes back up to his bedroom.

Haruka Nanami: Camus-senpai....

It only struck me after a while that he had called me "Haruka" with no intention of deceiving anyone.

The stone he’s given me is a really captivating color.

Every time I move it, seven shimmering colors dance, as if a real aurora had been trapped inside.

It’s so dainty and beautiful. I kept turning it over and over, never getting tired of looking at it.

(Chapter End)

[sp00kyrachael]

yesterday I posted and deleted a sui note

I had some doubts at first about the legitimacy of BIID self diagnosis but after last night I no longer do, that was a *textbook* psychological response to extreme dysphoria and denial of long term relief to that dysphoria.

BIID is body integrity identity disorder. In the simplest terms, it's the medical name for a condition that can manifest many ways, but in the case of myself and many of us in the community, is responsible for wanting to be 24/7 and untrain. Basically, people with BIID feel *body integrity dysphoria*, which is a type of dysphoria (gender dysphoria isn't the only kind) that is experienced as a result of not having a certain *disability*. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. I don't understand it. But I feel it. So much.

The specific disability can vary between people, but it typically presents in a category of loss of a body part, loss of a sensation, loss of control of a part of the body, or loss of mobility. In my case the disability I've randomly latched onto for my BIID is urinary incontinence.

A lot of us feel a *need* to be incontinent. Like our body is wrong for not being incontinent and that untraining isn't just for kink but for making us whole in a way we can't really understand but we just *know*. It's worth looking into BIID on your own and reading more, and seeing if what you find might hit close to home.

What happened to me yesterday was this:

My partner has OCD. Really bad OCD. They are *terrified* of human waste. It used to be just poo, which was fine for me because I don't mess. But over the last 6 months so, it has grown to include urine.

Problem.

Last night, my partner was in an extremely triggered state. They were about a week off their meds, our dog had peed in the house recently and you could smell it on the air, and I was a few weeks back into 24/7.

I had just organized my diaper stash. I was proud of doing a good job, showed my partner, and brought up that it was a good time to order more since I only have roughly three weeks' worth on hand and we got some spare cash due to some good luck.

In this triggered state the reality of my 24/7 being *forever* finally caught up to them and they *begged* me not to do this. They brought up a bunch of things like how it meant we couldn't do fun things cuz I'd need to change, how it would be impossible to hide, the usual fears that are unfounded. They begged me to get therapy to fix this.

Therapy does not work for BIID. The only "treatment" is to live out the disability.

I said okay, because I love them and I want to make them happy.

So I went off to shower, to clean off my body and throw out my current wet diaper, to put away all my supplies and "take a break from this" as we agreed.

Through it all, I was basically just dissociating. Staring off into space as the shower rolled over me. Eventually cleaning myself only to make my way to the couch and stare into different space.

I opened up Mastodon and posted

"Y'all are great. Might go radio silent for a while."

That was it.

I hadn't chosen a time or method but I was so broken. I knew that a core part of me was passively, *constantly* causing harm to the person I love most. I had agreed to work together to find a solution that makes us both happy but I knew there wasn't one other than 24/7. I knew that I would figure out specifics of how to do it soon.

I walked back to the bedroom.

Apparently while I was catatonic and suicidal, my partner was also deeply upset and had been researching BIID.

"I have been doing some research... and it's possible that you simply... just *are* incontinent."

At those words I went from suicidal to not. Still really hurt, still unsure of the future, but I'd live. We'd figure this out.

We talked a lot, the rest of the night, and more in the morning. I didn't get padded again. They were still so triggered, so hurt, so scared, and I didn't want this part of me to hurt them more.

But after a while, they were endlessly apologizing for the previous night. Saying that they rationally knew most people would just be chill with this, that they understood that my abdl friends' partners were all indifferent and okay with 24/7, that it was *fine* and they were so sorry, so why wasn't I padded again?

I told them my reasons. That I couldnt bear it if something about me was passively and constantly triggering them.

To this they said that seeing me this broken, this emotionless and empty, was worse pain than OCD could ever cause them, the guilt of taking this from me was so deep and they needed me to go back to 24/7. Immediately. That yesterday's concerns seemed so silly today, that it's fucking normal and fine and it's treatment for my BIID, a real medical need, and they need treatment for their OCD to prevent that kind of trigger, that I don't need to sacrifice and harm myself to appease it.

Getting padded again was an instant mood flip. I was myself again immediately. Walking around the house singing and being silly and playing with the dogs like nothing had even happened, like we had never had this conversation.

I was able to pick up their meds this afternoon, meds that they had been skipping, and confirmed that their therapy was on our shared calendar so they won't miss it.

We have not spoken about this situation since, we have been having a wonderful rest of the day, it's really okay now. This was body integrity dysphoria and the prospect of never treating it pushed me over the edge. It's real and should be taken seriously.

I'm glad to still be here.

[rockinlibrarian]

Nine people I’d like to know better

tagged by @non-plutonian-druid!

Last song: "Feliz Navidad" was on my clock radio when I turned it off, which immediately morphed into "Good Mor-or-ning Kids" as I woke them up, then @sunnymarbles joined in with a garbled attempt at the Spanish lyrics again (still better than their aunt who always used to sing "Feliz La-dee-da"), then I sang "Feliz Kitty-Cat" to the cats, which is possibly their scientific name, then I sang it to @sunnymarbles's real name, the meter of which fits easily into a shocking variety of Christmas songs, but they thought I'd changed songs to "Carol of the Bells" the first line of which is indeed (almost) "Feliz Navidad" sped up, so we sang that for awhile, and then the older kid just said "No" at us because he's a Grinch like that.

Favourite colour: blue. Cerulean if you want to be specific. I intend to become the color cerulean in the afterlife. Like, not be COLORED the color, but EXIST AS THE COLOR ITSELF. This is an extremely reasonable goal for ones afterlife.

Currently watching: um... Fargo, which just reminds me that I'm not actually caught up on it. In fact I've only seen one episode of Season 5 so far in part because I didn't realize they released two episodes on the first night. And I'm busy tomorrow morning so then I'll be three episodes behind. So I can't even tell you if I'm enjoying this season yet or not.

Last movie/tv show: I recently introduced @sunnymarbles to the work of the Shipwrecked Comedy troupe, so one of those. "Case of the Gilded Lily" I think. The last thing I watched for the first time, besides the one episode of Fargo, was when I binged seasons two AND three of Only Murders in the Building while making Halloween costumes.

Spicy/savoury/sweet: ...all? We just had a Secret Santa for work and had to fill out a likes-and-dislikes survey first and there was a "sweet or salty" and I circled both, and my Secret Santa did get me Sweet and Salty Trail Mix, as well as a bunch of other little things all tagged with Beatles songs (That was "Ain't She Sweet and Salty Trail Mix") and it was a really cool present I have to say. But I have the misfortune of being the only taste-sensory-seeking neurodivergent in this household of taste-sensory-DANG-PICKY neurodivergents. I like VARIETY. I like to MIX FOODS TOGETHER. I like GROSSING MY FAMILY OUT.

Relationship status: married. He's working from home this morning, too, so keeps talking while I'm trying to write this, which is probably making it take longer.

Current obsession: hmm. Am I between obsessions right now? I have so much going on that my daydreaming brain doesn't actually stay in one place for too long lately. Probably the default is still Fiktor... honestly... why am I still hung up on this weird ship? I swear I'm not normally a shipper! But I've got Christmas gifts to plan, a lot of library programs going on, two different fics in two different genres I'm working on for Yuletide, and just trying to keep Basic Household Stuff going, so honestly any one of those things could be what I'm dwelling on at any possible moment.

Last thing you googled: the name of our optometrist's practice, to open the tag just to remind myself that Son wants new glasses. That's on this computer. It's boring so I checked my phone, and the answer there is "war in 1827," oh, because @sunnymarbles is into saying "THE WAR" dramatically lately (which is one of the reasons I made them watch "The Case of the Gilded Lily"), so finally their brother was like "WHAT WAR?" and they go "The War of 1827!" and he goes "There WAS no war of 1827!" so I had to google it to settle the issue and I was like, "Oh, it was the Greek War of Independence," which both kids took as validation for their own argument, the older because "that's GREECE not AMERICA" and the younger because "It's still a WAR, stupid," and I go, "No one in this household is stupid!" like I always do but get ignored.

Tagging: 1. Well, seeing as I've already tagged @sunnymarbles, though I probably know all their answers, except the song one which I assume will have changed since this morning. Probably don't know the google one either

2. @dannypageoflight 'cause I don't know all your answers because I don't think there's one here that Animal Crossing applies to

3. @mosylu 4. @gwen-tolios 5. @rosesnvines 6. @joasakura 7. @biblically-accurate-cat , whom I often see reblogging my stuff but don't actually follow myself, so the "Like to get to know" part actually fits more than for my offspring and my brother!

8. @steeple-sinderby and 9. @stephsageek because I don't THINK I saw either of you tagged previously

[eleanorfenyx]

I was tagged by @earlgreytea68, thank you! I always love talking about music lol

You can usually tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to. put your favourite playlist on shuffle and list the first ten songs then tag ten people! no skipping!

So I actually have a playlist of like 48 hours of music that I listen to almost exclusively because I play it on my community radio show every Friday -- I put it on shuffle and whatever plays, plays, so I just have to own up to my all-over-the-place music taste, sometimes chatting about particular songs or artists as I feel like it, aaand that's the whole show lol. But anyway I'm going to put that playlist on and see what comes up!

The Doorman by Watchouse (formerly Mandolin Orange)

Forrest Gump by Frank Ocean

Polaroid Love by ENHYPEN

Kanashimi yo Konnichiwa by Yuki Saito

Baby I'm a Star by Prince & the Revolution

Sagittarius Superstar by COIN

Old 45's by Chromeo

Viva la Vida by Coldplay

Sin Wagon by The Chicks

I Got You (I Feel Good) by James Brown

Okay I feel like that actually wasn't as weird as it could have been. There was one show a couple weeks ago where I ended up playing Bubblegum Bitch by Marina and the Diamonds and it was immediately followed by Come Away With Me by Norah Jones (a transition that literally made me laugh out loud by myself at the station) and then it was Uptown Girl by Billy Joel..It was a bit of whiplash haha, and that's usually pretty standard.

But anyway! No pressure on anyway to play, but I'm tagging: @wei--wuxian, @wincestielfttfwin, @labyrynth, @forever-niji, @lansplaining, @oft-goes-awry, @omgpurplefattie, @scarlet-gryphon, @wishthatiwasnessiesgirl, and @epistemologys (sorry epi I have no idea why I can't tag you properly lol) plus anyone else who sees this who wants to play along! I'm terrible for picking people to tag in these kinds of games but I'd like to hear from anyone who wants to share their music ♥