#i’ve seen the whole program 5 times now and i keep forgetting names and theories jesus christ

[allthngs]

ok SEND ME GOOD VIBES cause tomorrow i have a really important exam that will probably determine my thesis so i have to make a really good impression and idk how cause i’ve been shitting my pants the entire afternoon

[kingofthenorth49]

Can someone check the GFCI?

When a circuit breaker snaps, it’s because the circuit was beginning to heat beyond design capacity and it’s shutting down to prevent something worse from happening, like fire or damage to a sensitive circuit or device.

It’s a safety device, and we all know how much I love safety devices, but at the end of the day if you don’t take action when a safety device activates, generally the damage can be much worse than what the device was actually protecting.

Folks, our owners have decided that it’s going to be much easier to control the world if they only have to do it from one government, and if you still think this is a conspiracy theory, you need to turn off CNN and step outside your basement. Even the dimwit in Ottawa can no longer keep the secret of where those in lofty chambers have decided we are going, although I sincerely doubt he understands the repercussions, just like 98% of the population. It’s not their fault, they are wired in such a way they can’t see the truth, either by design or programming.

Doesn’t matter which it is (blue dress/brown dress), the damage to our population has started and we don’t have the collective will to stop it, because we’ve been conditioned to be victims. Correction. Most have been conditioned over the past two decades to be victims, to be at the mercy of big government and those who know better than you do.

I’ve a friend who explains it perfectly. He says that most people cannot see past the end of any given month. It’s not a derogatory thing, it’s just who they are. These are the people who live paycheck to paycheck, who don’t plan for the future because they are just trying to stay alive. They work hard to keep up, but are consumed by just trying to cope with what life throws at them. These are the majority of people on this planet. Not a bad thing, but these are the type of people easily controlled by fear.

The next group are the people who can see 6 to 12 months, and they understand cause and effect better than the first group. They understand that payday loans are bad and that you should control your destiny through planning. These are the type of people who run our governments and provide services. They see the benefits to organized approaches to problems and find safety in numbers of like minded people.

The last group, the smallest one are those who can see 3 to 5 years down the road. These are the visionaries, people like Edison and Orwell, Tesla and Rand. These are the Elon Musks and Bill Gates of the world. They drive humanity through aspiration and ambition.

Unfortunately they aren’t always right, for example I would consider Karl Marx to one of the latter.

So why am I talking about Karl Marx and circuit breakers you ask?

Well it’s because my tin foil hat is on too tight, or because I’m not quite right in the head I guess, or any other of the labels those who can’t see past the end of the month would paste to someone like me who likes to think a bit more long term than the end of the next season of the Kardasians.

Shutting down the world for a bad flu wasn’t a decision based in science. It’s not even a decision based in safety, and believe me I know a thing or two about that. The whole “nobody moves, nobody gets hurt” thing really doesn’t work for long. Sure, nobody gets hurt, but no body eats either. This is what your average person isn’t thinking about when they scream “stay the blazes home”.

Yes, you can stay the blazes home. Yes,  you can cower under your bed until the bad thing passes, but at the end of the day the Magic Pantry was just a kids TV show.

Dude’s gotta eat, right?

I’m currently living inside the “Atlantic Bubble”, or whatever is left of it after those anointed in oil decided to take their toys and go home, but in reality we’ve created an interesting paradigm here on the east coast of Canada that’s unlike anywhere else in the world.

We’ve created the perfect culture of fear.

Now for those living outside the bubble, we’ve shut the door, turned off the lights and posted a big “FUCK OFF” sign on the front lawn. We’ve turned our back to the virus like it’s a Trump supporter. This is our plan. We’ve posted guards, created intricate rules around who can go where and why, and basically made it impossible to move anywhere without government permission. All over a bad flu with a survivalbility rate of over 99.4%, with 70%+ of the mortality coming from those 70 years of age and older. You are more likely to die from an automobile accident today than COVID.

Don’t get me wrong, COVID is no cake walk, it’s a nasty disease, but it’s not Ebola. I’ve been battling this virus now for 11 months, I’ve seen how it works, it’s veracity is substantial, and if you have co-morbidities such as diabetes or heart disease, it can take a toll on you, and yes, more people are dying from it than the seasonal flu, but at the end of the day it’s not going to wipe out the human race. The majority of the people who test positive don’t even know they have it.

And don’t get me started on testing.

I can’t talk publicly about it but if you see me out and about, ask me why I think testing is a control and not a diagnostic element. Sorry, the hat’s tightening.

Let me throw one example out for you to chew on, let’s say vaccines. Now the vaccines are the panacea for the masses right? I mean we should be amazed we were able to concoct a vaccine that is 95% effective in eradicating this virus inside 8 to 10 months, hell, we should be ecstatic, right? I mean it took 30+ years to get a handle on AIDS and we beat COVID in just 240 days. We currently linbe up to get an annual flu shot to protect us from the last major Coronavirus (Remember the Spanish Flu?) that has been in development for the last 60 years and it’s still only 35-40% effective, and less than 50% of Canadians get it

We must be freaking geniuses now.

I’ll never understand the sheer amount of dumb optimism that’s out there, but I certainly appreciate it. Without that optimism we’d be more like Lemmings than we currently are.

But back to the “great reset”, shall we?

So dude’s gotta eat, right? I’m going to quote one of my modern day heros, Elon Musk when he says “If people wants stuff, they have to make it” or something along those lines. In other words, there’s no money tree. My parents very early on taught me that lesson, and that if I wanted anything in life I had to earn it or make it, that there was no such thing as a free meal. The problem is most people today have been conditioned to think there is. Trudeau has been giving away our money like a drunken sailor on shore leave to the tune of $400 BILLION dollars in 8 months. Let me put it another way, in the last 240 days Trudeau has spent $10,814.00 per Canadian citizen, or around $25K per taxpayer. That’s debt folks, that’s directly on the shoulders of every Canadian. But it’s ok they say because interest rates are so low we can afford the additional leverage.

Problem is folks is interest rates don’t stay low after a major crisis. Why? It’s called inflation. As money supply loosens, so does the value of a dollar, and when the value of a dollar decreases because there’s more supply of dollars then prices increase. When prices start increasing wages need to go up to keep pace with inflation, and when that happens there are two options. Control monetary supply, otr deal with runaway inflation.

How do you control inflation you ask? Great question. You raise interest rates to throttle spending.

How can anyone forget the late 1970’s? It was less than 50 years ago folks. Remember Trudeau’s 6 & 5? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? JUSTIN? For fuck sakes the kid was living at 22 Sussex drive when his father created the greatest economic challenge of our lifetime.

Wait, check that. Apparently the second wave will be worse than the first.

This great reset is gong to be tragic. Already they are estimating over 100 Million people in 3rd world countries will die next year due to disease and starvation because of the lock downs. In our own western countries the most disadvantages are already our most vunerable populations. Humans aren’t meant to be caged, nor can we afford to be. We need to be free, have purpose, and contribute to a vibrant society.

You can’t govern that. You can’t rule over a captive society for long. History has shown us that time and time again that King’s aren’t benevolent rulers and those who suffer the most are at the bottom the societal ladder.

If you aren’t seeing the end goal yet, I get it, but I do. You only need look as far as the ice cream eating elite who enjoy fine dining when your cupboard is near empty and jet off to Mexico while telling you can’t bury your spouse or child. They make you endure cruel mental anguish while they spend your tax dollars on jet setting and pontificating about a communist world that they rule.

All in the name of a better world, one free of climate change and racism.

Who knows, maybe they are right, maybe they are part of the component of society that sees the future more clearly than the rest of us.

I guess that’s why they get ice cream and can go spend Thanksgiving with their moms while you can’t bury yours.

I guess that’s just our lot in life, to be ruled, to understand it’s for thee, but not for me.

This what we want? This what we deserve? Am I wrong?

I don’t think I am, I just want to be. Can someone go downstairs and check the fuse?

Jim Out

[the-damnedest-creature]

G.L.A.M.S at Magnificon, Kraków - 2017/05/27

As per usual - this is part report, part diary entry. Read at your own risk, may contain some unrelated things or not be all that objective :) The report is divided into sections, so if you do not care about the entire thing, just scroll to the ones that interest you.   I have not betaread this - I really do not have the stamina to betaread these like 12,000+ characters after writing it for hours, lol. You will live.  Enjoy. 

This is the first concert we were attending in this tour, we are supposed to see them twice this year, going o Prague this Thurday too, since they are FINALLY coming to Czech Republic. Overall it was my 5th time seeing Mikaru; 3rd time with G.L.A.M.S. (once I only saw him solo, once with DIO.) 

Once again I was reminded how ridiculously happy this man makes me. I fucking love him. I am literally incapable of being anything other than overwhelmed with joy when he is nearby. Precious guy. 

Planning, journey, arrival - Friday 

We’d decided to spend 2 nights in Kraków. Even though we’d known for the longest time that we’d be going, we only bought everything (train tickets, hostel) like a week prior to departure, and... actually heavily underestimated planning, or we are too dead inside to care, not sure. Since like 381927983 things kept getting fucked up all the time, lol, and we got lost in Kraków like 5 times.  I left from Olomouc on 12:41 on Friday, was joined by Durcenwe 30 minutes later at her stop.  ..We spent the 5+ hour journey laughing at stupidly dirty stuff (because on the inside we are old men), and making retarded jokes that seem ridiculously funny to me still (like calling Bidoh from Elysion Bidet, the theory that Aryu → Ryoga →Bidoh(...Bidet) is a Pokemon evolution of Tsuzuku’s potential boyfriend, each with an increasing chance of punching you in the face if you slap his ass). Over the weekend we may have also conjured a new personal meme. Or three, even.  We arrived at around 6pm, and set out for our hostel. Met a really damn cool cemetery on the way, like REALLY cool. Mana needs to come to Kraków. He’d dig this shit. 

We were planning to go to the convention right after tossing our bags, since it seemed we’d need the 3day tickets. A very nice Polish organiser (love herrrr) promised to help if we had any trouble, but fortunately, we had none!  ...Bullshit, took us 2 hours to get to the expo center, because we’d decided to walk it, it was like 6-7km, and we got insanely lost /twice/. But with the entry we had no trouble,... and fortunately it started raining only AFTER we’d gone inside. Like ... we got our convention entry bracelet thingies (I forget if those paper one-time waterproof festival bracelets have a specific name or not) in like 3 minutes it started pouring like fuck. Lucky we hadn’t gotten MORE lost, aha. 

We spent a while just getting accustomed to the convention grounds,.... buying a couple pieces of absolutely useless Jojo bullshit like the Dio cup holder thing I am now the owner of, and being JJBA trash with every cosplayer in sight. 

-When you pose so hard it almost blows your Johnny away in the blast 

It wa a little challenging to get back to the hostel, but we managed. (Bus, tram, walking.) We even played some G.L.A.M.S on the way on my phone, it was sweet. 

Saturday - before the first meetup with the band 

It took us a litle time to find the tram stop we needed to get back to the convention, because we may be just a little bit retarded may have been underprepared.  We did a little walking around the historical center, made a meme out of calling all nuns a good or bad Kyo cosplay, and we were at the convention at approximately 11. Merch stand not yet up, so we went to do our make-up and eat something.  There were supposed to be a short band meetup at ca 1pm there.  By 12:15 we were plopped by the merch stand watching them unpack, or not really even watching kinda just sitting by the official banner they had there, doing nothing much aside from laughing at seeing ourselves at the banner and listening to the sound check.  Behold. 

If you by chance do not remember what I look like, I’m the blonde idiot in glasses by Mikaru’s head. (This photo is from his solo live in Poznan last year.) Easy way to tell if I was at the concert, lol. Do you see a blonde idiot by Mikaru’s head? Y/N. Yes => I was there. 

The first signing session started at approximately 13:30.  They came out all... without their costumes, looking representatively hungover as fuck and a little grumpy.  I was worried Mikaru would be grumpy all day, but it took him exactly one (1) whole fan to cheer up and shine like a little sun. Precious.  When I approached them for signing (there weren’t all that many people at this time), I asked them if they’d slept well... they told me they had, I choose to believe them, although they did probably lie. XD  I finally asked Mikaru the burning question me and D had had since last autumn - whether DIO’s band name was based on DIO from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. He didn’t understand at first, I had to repeat the manga title in Japanese, Jojo no Kimyou na Bouken, for him to get it. Then he denied it, laughed, and laghed even more, all surprised, when I told him about Erina’s name being the same as the name of a character from JJBA: Phantom Blood & Battle Tendency...I’ll need to ask Erina about it in Prague.  “Oh no, no, but I like Jojo no kimyou na bouken!” “Oh really, you’ve read it?” “Yes! I read all the parts.” “Really?? Which Jojo do you like best?” *thinks for a sec* “I think.. Jotaro is my favorite.” I think this is how that piece of convo went. Made me really happy, as Jotaro is my fav Jojo too, alongside Johnny. 

...Mikaru also couldn’t get any damn marker to work, it was cute. “Careul about it,” he told D after he signed her thing. ...And gave her the marker. As if to pass it on? Lol. We shook some hands~ ....This was overall very brief, they went to have lunch soon... But not before we got to laugh at Mikaru’s characteristic silly shoes. 

Before the concert 

We spent the day mostly ... fucking around.  Sitting outside studying lyrics while looking stupid on the grass, eating and making jokes about “chicken-or-fish” (...Mikaru joke), ...hunting for a power outlet... Also eating curious but quite tasty burgers with pickled ginger. Nice.  Another new meme. Shambala Bimbala this time. (Stemming from literally no one being able to sing Mikaru’s Salagadoola mechicka boola with a straight face.)  ...At approx 18:30 we went to secure our spot at the main stage by seeing two program panels before the live and boi was that excruciating.  First we had to stand through this ... concert of .. varying questionable moral judgment (not good, not good), then by the time the cosplay contest started, we were in the first row as intended, behind a buncha photographers.  It started at around 20:40? I’ve never been more bored out of my skull than I was at that cosplay contest.  The only highlight was he masterfully acted The Witcher scene. If those guys didn’t win, there is no justice in the world. 

Because of various reasons, the concert was about 50 minutes delayed. I kept being worried they’d have to cut it short or Mikaru would come out grumpy because of the problems. Fortunately, no such thing.  I was in the first row, center - with about a 1m gap from the stage that we were told to keep. We watched the guys frick around with things on stage for a bit while they connected everything. 

The live itself 

First thing that occured to me after the announcement.  The audience... didn’t scream at all. There were people there who’d clearly come for the live knowing Mikaru, but nobody made any sounds!! Here we are, me and D yelling, one of the organisers/staff whispering to me to scream, and there’s the crowd... just not joining in.  ...Guys. Don’t do that. Fortunately it took them about 2 songs to warm up and start making some fuckin’ noise, but ... don’t do that!! I hate this ‘the band will come out anyway’ mindset. Make them feel wanted, dang it. 

First thing that came to my mind was regarding Denka, honestly. (I have a problem with calling him Syu, since I and Durcenwe call him Zdeňka as a joke and it stuck XD) - he was looking weirdly hot that evening. Like sexy hot. Not sure who did his makeup and hair, but BOI I’d never been attracted to Denka before, now I seem to be.  ...Idk what song it was for (I think 12:00AM?), but he couldn’t find the correct set of drumsticks for a while and it was midlly funny and cute. :D 

They played... all G.L.A.M.S. songs, I think. Three DIO songs.  I don’t remember the exact order, They opened with The Other Side of Th Moon, Call My Name and 12:00AM.  In the main program they played one song by DIO that I do not know, and Carry Dawn, in between scattered G.L.A.M.S songs. The main program ended with Be Alone, I think.  For the encore they played God Forsaken, and ended the whole live with The Light of My Life. 

Highlights/observations from the live?  -Mikaru jumped around like crazy, several times he almost tripped over the mic wire. He did do his raptor mating ritual dansu. (For reference, see minute two of Forgive me MV) Did it a lot, actually.  -He’d watch me and D a lot, saw me sing and dance with him, and it made him grin a lot. He was clearly very amused by that.  -He wasn’t very contact during the live; made no effort to reach into the crowd or anything. However, he seemed to be enjoying himself VERY much and was very hyper, and frequently went to the sides of the stage, even to the very right side to sing to the staff. He also made eye contact a lot.  -Tetsuto seemed very disinterested through the live  -Before Let’s Fly Away to the Stars: “This is a love song. I want you to listen to it with your boyriend or girlriend...” -In one song he noticed that I was unintentionally copying hi with my dance. He seemed very amused and immediately began making silly moves to see if people would copy that. We did. This made him laugh.  -Before he taught people the Our Freak Show chant, he asked how many times we’d seen him. Also think he said some stuff in Polish somewhere.  -”I hope to return to Poland... wait we’re doing one more live in Poland..?” or something of the like, haha. “1st... no, 8th of...” ....then he proceeded to forget the word for June.  -He asked people to sing the funky parts of Be Alone with him (bibbidi-bobbidi... you know.), so if you don’t know the lyrics yet, go check them out ;3)  -He introduced the members, but not himself. “WHAT’S MY FUCKING NAME?!” .. the crowd did successfully yell it back at him. -Before the encore, Denka Syu whipped out such a powerful erection-inducing drum solo that I think I’m a drumsexual now. I didn’t even know he had that in him. Erina and Tetsuto joined him soon, and Erina showed off on guitar too. Then eventually Mikaru came back out with a “DO YOU WANT SOME MOTHERFUCKING MORE? THEN MAKE SOME F U C K I N G N O I S E !”  We did.  -When they went to take a photo, everyone came up to the stage. I could smell Mikaru’s hair. Not like creepily sniff it, o k , he just came up real close. It smelled so goddamn nice. 

-From Mikaru’s FB. I’m not sure what is it that Erina’s doing with his life over there, lol. Probably trying not to look short 

Also - My new sexuality is Mikaru’s thighs and ass. So much running has been paying off. Legs to die for. Damn.  I’malsoconvincedhehadabonerthroughouthalfthelive 

They tossed some stuff, we didn’t catch anything, doesn’t matter much. Signing and cheki were next. 

The signing & cheki session

We were worried that they’d rush the session because they had to be in Germany the next day and would be leaving very soon 

Fortunately, this wasn’t the case, and they were being major cuties, talking with everyone and being sweet.  First we took cheki. Mikaru and Denka Syu told me a really cute Hi when I wen to stand between them for the pic.  I was the first to hug Mikaru too, somehow it hadn’t occured to anybody before, aha. After that, hugs became a standard for the cheki takers.  For not being very contact on stage on his own (from experience I know that he does not pull away from touch if you do touch him, though.), he’s really sweetly huggy.  For the signing session they were sitting at first, then they stood up so that they could hug people.  When I went up to the table to get my cheki and CD signed (At the first session I only had the photos signed), Mikaru greeted me with:  “You know a lot of songs! Awesome!.” ...I thanked him. It made me so fuzzy though, omg. I asked him about coming to Prague and what he’d like as a present. He said something along the lines of “Yeah, Prague ! I’m excited to come finally! See you there!”I asked him whether he remembered the “Czech” themed present we’d given him in Poznan (October 2016). He did!!! Even said, “I liked your selection.” And said he liked czech beer.  I hugged him.  When I hugged Tetsuto and told him (in Japanese) that the live had been awesome, he jumped in surprise, lol. Did the same with Erina too, minus the WTF NIHONGO lol. When I was saying See you in Prague, Denka Syu suddenly goes, “Oh, you’re coming??” ...Sweet. Told him yes, we’ll see each other on Thursday. Hugged the little guy too. Or not so little. Actually this live made me realize that Denka is a little taller than I used to think. Probably because he hung out next to Erina. Ahaha. 

They spent a while talking to a group of probably newly gained otaku fans in Japanese, then bowed a lot and walked out. I and D were watching from nearby (at one point I walked up to them to see what language they were speaking, Mikaru made a surprised smiley face). We sat by the barriers on the floor, chilling, so they’d pass as they were leaving. Mikaru laughed at us a bit, told us a surprised baibai, and we finished that off with some see you in Prague.  Sweet guys. 

My cheki: 

..My knees were bent a bit, usually Denka is barely taller. Taller, but not much. Jeez I even look shorter than Erina here, ahaha. 

Return & Final thoughts 

....We walked. It seemed somehow shorter without getting lost. Our train left at 10:20 the next day.  I’d write more, but it’s all unimportant things, my hands are legit tired from typing, and my PC has reached the temperature of approximately Satan’s asshole, hah. 

Final thoughts - totally fucking worth it.  Mikaru makes me so happy. I love the guy. Like not even that fangirl omg daddy fok meh kinda type, I just adore the guy, I love making him happy (knowing songs, being a dedicated fan) - if you do not have Mikaru in your life, you are missing out. He is a treasure. And the rest of G.L.A.M.S are lil treasures too~ I wanna be their friend T ^ T 

If you can still catch a concert, since only three took place so far, definitely do go! Mikaru is so so so worth it. If you need songs or lyrics to prepare for the live, shoot me a PM, I’ll provide you with all. 

I bid my farewell with some silly pictures from Saturday of me and D being stupid :) See you in Prague, if you’re comin’~. Or at MO in Wroclaw~. 

-...Kono Dio ga....! 

-Ginger burger 

-Damn u, sun!!! 

(owo)/~~

-N.

[antrozay-blog]

Jackie’s Back

That is a great way to start this blog post, coming off The Breakfast Club interview with the Legendary Jenifer Lewis. I LOVEE her! I’ve watched that 1:03:11 long interview no less than 7 times since it aired a few days ago online. I’ve seen almost everything Jenifer has played in expect the movie Jackie’s Back. So I found it on youtube and watched it for free. The movie is basically about a has-been singer who never was and she’s trying to make one last comeback. I feel that premise fits my life perfectly right now. It’s about midnight right now and I needed a few hours to calm myself down before I even wanted to start this post. I’m typing this in the legendary notes app on my phone. The plan is to copy and paste to my tumblr blog. I will see if I want to do that, but as for now me typing this is just being used as an additional outlet besides me talking to one of my instructors Kevin and my mentor Miguel. I’m currently listening to Sweet Sexy Savage by Kehlani. It is one of my favorite albums released last year that I feel deserved a Grammy. CTRL by Sza too, but we are not here to talk about that. What I am here to talk about? I don’t know where to begin. Ill start with what currently happened which brought on my current hyper/hypo emotional state and I will work myself backwards. Today was suppose to be the day that I finally take my state boards exams for my barbers license. (Shit I don’t think I told y’all I was in barber school this whole past year. A nigga really did what he said he was going to do!) I didn’t go because my model called me literally an hour before we were to leave to the testing site, saying that he was ill with the flu and that he was not going to be able to make it. I kinda had a feeling that this was going to happen. At 8am I got a text from him saying he was up throwing up all night. So I’m like ok, it’s 8am and testing isn’t until 6pm so that should be plenty of time for him to rest up and get himself together for this. Basically I went the whole day just praying to God that he get better and everything goes as planned opposed to studying and reviewing like i had planned. I’m not mad...I can’t be. He was ill and you can’t control that. I believe his story. He’s not the type to lie. Plus he was soo down to help and be apart of everything I have been doing. He used to come to the school and get his haircut by me. It just fucking sucks when I was literally right there. Finally going to complete it all. And everyone knows, or probably doesn’t know that I was suppose to been have gotten my license. I started at the Barber College Feb 2017. I graduated (well i competed my 1800 hours) in Feb 2018 like the course catalog said I would. It was a good experience that ended too fast in my opinion. I met some great people there; people that I will consider my brothers for life. I don’t think i will give an in-depth review on the school itself. I don’t feel like it. So like I was saying, I competed my hours in the middle of Feb. I didn’t get my diploma until March because I still owed $1500 on my tuition. I had the money but I wasn’t in a great rush to pay it off because truth be told I didn’t have any barbershops lined up after completion so I didn’t rush paying it. When I finally paid it off, I was suppose to schedule my testing for my license immediately. Most people already have their dates already set up for like the following week of being totally finished with school. I didn’t go right away because I didn’t have a model lined up. You’re suppose to have a model that has to fit a bunch of different requirements about age, how much hair they have to have, how much hair you have to cut off, and they do a background check and a bunch of extra shit. It’s a big thing and it was hard to find the perfect model that fit and also that can be available during the testing time which is a whole 3 hour process. Fast forward to April when I knew that I was putting this shit off for way too long and it’s time to get serious again. I’ve been doing a few house cuts here and there and also working in a barbershop called Platinum Cuts on the weekends while still working my restaurant job just enough hours to pay my bills. I knew I still had shit to do in regards to my license. After asking everyone I could think of to be my model, and getting no’s, I finally found one person. Ok bet! I got my model. I told him everything that was told to me about the requirements, background check, testing center location, testing time and all that. And i’m like “are you sure that you can do this?! once i submit your name and pay my fees you have to be my model, i can’t cancel, change models or reschedule without forfeiting the fees that i have to pay.” Roughly $200. He’s like “yes, I’m available I can do it.” Mind you, I gave him the two dates that were offered to me for testing and the testing time on the 2nd of May wasn’t good for him because he needed work done on his car. So we chose the 16th. That worked better for the both of us because i still needed to study and review all over again. Plus at the time of us scheduling, the 2nd was like a few days away. Everything was going good. I was texting back and forth with him just letting him know don’t forget, asking if everything good with him and his car and shit like that. Just staying fresh in his mind so we can get this shit done and over with. All of this for him to cancel literally last minute. FUCK! This is all just embarrassing. Having technically been done with school since Feb and I’m still not licensed nor working consistently in a barbershop. It’s a real self esteem killer. Most of the guys that I went to school with are in shops or have started their own shops. They are making money and prospering in this field and i want to be just like that. I have so many people on my side telling me how good of a barber I am, how inspiring i am, and that I should be doing a lot more than what i’m doing now. I totally agree. I need to be working consistently, cutting consistently and challenging myself everyday. I know that it’s all coming from a place of love. You have to want it for yourself. I can honestly and vulnerably say that I haven’t felt the most confident lately i’ve basically been in dark cloud of depression since Feb. I haven’t felt this low since before I started Barber College, somewhere around the time of my last post probably. It’s a huge transition from Barber College. I totally understand how university students get depressed after graduating because they can’t find jobs and end up moving back home. I can humbly say I was one of the good students there, especially towards my last few months. Im not saying I was the best hair cutter, I wasn’t and will never claim to have been. I was good. i had clientele and stayed busy for the most part. I was doing like 8-10 haircuts on a regular day. Slave labor without pay lol. I was consistent with my attendance. Which was very helpful because all the other guys that were better than me were not consistent with their attendance. Some of them have been going to the school for years. Some are even still there. The school is designed to be a one year program. I think some people think of it as their job. We could accept tips up there so they might be banking. I was pretty damn good for barely cutting hair before I started. I could do a line up, an all even and trash taper. I was cutting my own hair for 5 years prior but never cut anyone else’s hair. I was trash then compared to now lol. Growth. But going from feeling like you the shit, being told you’re the shit, being hyped up daily, having people watching you and asking you questions to actually starting at he bottom in a shop with no clientele is a major shock. That shit really had me in my feelings and questioning myself, others, my skills and it this shit really for me. It’s not the shop that I worked at (past tense) because it’s been like 3 weekends since I’ve gone back and I don’t think I want to go back. The shop owner was actually my barber from middle school up until I met my barber/mentor Ronnie in 2009. So I’m familiar with the owner, Q. He had his own shop for 10 years and he’s the only barber in there. He’s had people work beside him from time to time over the years but no one ever stayed long. He’s already got his clientele on lock. My shop expectations are: be surrounded by people i respect and get along with meet people I can learn from and take advice from be in a shop that allows growth, creativity and room to just do and be me. I don’t want to say his shop didn’t offer none of that but again, his shop is his shop. not really a full staff of ppl kinda environment. I’m looking for a shop with a lot more traffic and walk ins. When you are just starting out cutting hair, that’s what you need. Walk ins to help you build up your own clientele. let’s everyone in the shop know you can cut and they see you cut. I’m not going to talk about the hotep conspiracy theories i had to listen to. The hotep youtube pastor we watched on tv daily in there who’s favorite topics were feminization of the black male and gays. But I’ll lowkey take all of that over the hood ass shops that my weak ass town has to offer. Also I wasn’t a fan of the percentage I was paying to cut there. When first starting out you usually pay a percentage (commission) until your clientele is up enough for you to pay booth rent. I’d rather just cut at home and be able to keep all my money. I want to find another shop to work at in the meantime before I move. Oh I don’t know if I told y’all, I’m moving to Atlanta in August. I put 6 months on my apartment lease back in Feb. It’s a lot of things that I could be doing to push myself and better myself right now to get me out this depression, but I feel like why should I put in that hard work now when i’m just going to be moving away in a few months. Getting established in a shop, building clientele that I’ll prolly only cut a few times. It’s just a lot going on at the moment in my life and my focus is everywhere, yet still no where to be honest. I know what kind of barber I want to be and what type of environment I want to work in and I don’t think that Lansing has that to offer me. All my school mates know this to be true too. They know I’m different. lol. So with my fingers crossed, I’m hoping that Atlanta will treat me right. I don’t want to talk to much about Atlanta because I’ll save that for another post. Hopefully not a whole ass two years or whatever. But I will when I get settled in or when I remember that I have a blog lol. I want to stop blogging only when I’m like knocking on depressions basement door trying to get out and blog more happier feelings and thoughts. Kehlani’s album just finished playing. I think I’m going to wrap this up with my last topic; support. Why don’t we support one another? I know that I shouldn’t be expecting or seeking support or validation from others, but fuck, we all wanna get our ego stoked a little bit. we want feedback and an occasional YASSS. I do expect something. I feel like i support, have supported a lot of people. I like your music, retweet your pictures, subscribe to your podcasts and give you your life when you deserve it. I don’t get that in return. Just like this blog, i’m glad i’m doing it for the betterment of be and not for y’all to car about me. No one would probably read this anyway. There is a handful of people that truly support me. I can count on one hand. I’m so very thankful for them. Then there is the people who see my haircut pictures online and won’t like them but in person will mention to me how dope I am at cutting. Then that’s when they give that fake “when can you cut my hair” but when I call them on it and and hold them accountable for asking for a cut and tell them to come thru, they all of a sudden busy or not responding anymore. I hate that. Sometimes you need to feel a little boost and a little support from others. Affirmation. Just a simple like, retweet, or a “I see you nigga!” comment. Something. I don’t want to say it’s hate. I don’t like to use that word and I don’t want to believe that people actually hate on me. I think people need to get comfortable in themselves and in what they are doing so we can show love to one another. idk. I’m tired and I’m probably not making any sense right now. I don’t feel like proof reading this and uploading it to tumblr either. Good night.

[ohwowbabee]

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