#i’ve been staring at my wall for the past 20 mins this is insane

[karinasbaby]

YALL

I HAVENT EVEN READ THIS BUT IM SO NOT READY

✧ let me take care of you

pairing: soft!heeseung x reader (fluff, smut)

summary: you have a bad day and all heeseung wants is to take care of you, and well, you let him

warnings: crying, minor angst if you squint, swearing, fingering (f), kissing, sex, mdni

you gripped your keys, staring at the front door of your apartment. you don’t really remember how you got home or the elevator ride up to your home but none of that mattered. you were finally home and exhausted.

you were having a bad day. a really, really bad day. everything had been going wrong the moment you entered the office in the morning and you had enough. you had cried before leaving and were on the verge of tears now.

quietly, you inserted the key in the lock and turned, that small satisfying click was music to your ears. slowly, you pushed open the door and made your way inside, dropping your bag at the door. you sighed in relief and kicked off your shoes.

your body ached and your head throbbed, and you wanted to burn the clothes you were wearing. someone had spilled warm coffee all over your lap and you didn’t have any extra clothes so you had spent the whole day in sticky, coffee stained pants.

silently, you shuffled to the sofa and sank down. you just sat there, your back pressed into the soft back as you stared at the wall. you were so tired, so exhausted. you wanted to call out to your boyfriend, knowing he was most likely in your joined bedroom but your lips wobbled so you said nothing.

heeseung stopped typing when he heard the front door open and shut his laptop at the silence that followed. he got off the bed, throwing his laptop on the table as he made his way to the family room. you should be home by now.

heeseung paused at the entrance, staring at your unmoving body. his eyebrows furrowed as he assessed the situation. he glanced at the door and found your bag and shoes discarded on the side. he glanced back at you; at your tear-stained face and dark under eyes and he knew.

sighing, heeseung walked to you. he hated it when you had a bad day. “love, you’re home.” his heart broke when you simply looked up at him, eyes wide with unshed tears. he dropped to his knees in front of you, a frown on his lips. he rested his hands on your thighs and pressed his chest against your knees.

“tough day, baby?” his frown deepened when you nodded. you weren’t often like this. usually, when you had bad days, you were quiet and slightly angry. but heeseung knew it must have been a very bad day if you couldn’t even speak about it.

heeseung nodded and stood up. without saying anything, he slipped an arm under your knees and behind your back and lifted you up, deciding that you’d be more comfortable in your bed. you shut your eyes as you pressed your face into his neck.

all you wanted was heeseung to lay with you; to hold you until you couldn’t remember today.

heeseung mumbled sweet nothings to you as he walked down the hall and gently kicked the bedroom door open. he sat you down on the bed and pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i got you, baby.” you blinked up at him as he brushed your hair from your face. you watched as he walked to the bathroom and filled the tumb with warm water before grabbing one of his bigger shirts from his drawer and walking over to you.

he tapped your thigh and you spread your legs, letting him stand in between them. with gentle, soft hands, he took out your claw clip and massaged your head before setting the clip on top of his laptop. then, he began unbuttoning your blouse. eyes focused solely on the buttons. once he slipped the shirt off your shoulders, he unclasped your bra. he didn’t pay attention to how your nipples perked up in the cold air.

he stepped back and unbuttoned your pants. you winced when he pulled them down, the fabric rubbing against your burn. heeseung eyes widened at your painful gasp and he dropped his gaze to the redness on your thighs.

immediately, he dropped to his knees, his face hovering near the burn as his fingers twitched at your sides. “baby, what is this?” he glanced up at you, eyes filled with concern. “what happened?”

you looked down at the burn, wishing you had done something at the time to prevent the redness. “someone spilled their coffee all over my lap.” your voice was quiet, hoarse. your eyes connected with heeseung’s wide ones and you bit your bottom lip, trying not to cry.

heeseung’s heart broke even further as he frowned. he was angry, angry at the fucker who spilled their coffee on you but he was more concerned about your pain. he pressed a soft kiss to your knee before he linked his thumbs in the waistband of your underwear and pulled down, careful to raise the fabric so it wouldn’t brush against your skin.

once you were naked, heeseung stood and picked you up once again, taking you to the bathroom. part of you wanted to be embarrassed. you wanted to be able to walk on your own, to use your words, but a bigger, tired part of you just wanted to be taken care of like this.

heeseung sat down on the edge of the tub, holding you in his lap as he touched the water. he poured some of your favourite scented soap in the water before gently putting you in the water. you winced when the warm water touched your burns but soon sighed in relief. your head fell back as your muscles relaxed in the water, having been tense the whole day.

heeseung sat at the ledge, watching you with nothing but fondness in his eyes. you opened your eyes and looked back at him, smiling at him for the first time since you’ve been home. you wanted to ask him to join you but he was quicker. he quickly took off his pajama bottoms, leaving him in his boxers.

“lift your head, baby.” you lifted your head and moved your body as he stepped into the tub and sat at the ledge where you had been resting your head.

now, heeseung was sitting outside of the tub and you sat in between his legs, inside the tub. you laid your head back into his lap and sighed at the closeness. you closed your eyes and heeseung cupped water in his hands and wet your hair. you only opened them when he began to gently massage your head with soap.

unconsciously, heeseung began humming as he shampooed your hair. you focused on his soft voice, unable to control the tears that escaped your eyes.

once heeseung was done combing his fingers through your hair, he filled the bucket next to him with warm water and rinsed your hair, scrubbing all the soap out. he didn’t notice your tears, his own humming drowning out your rapid breathing.

once your hair had been rinsed, he laid your head on his lap and frowned at your pout. gently, he swiped his thumb under your eyes and pursed his lips at the tears. as much as he wanted to distract you from crying, he knew you needed this. so, as you cry, he massages your shoulders and neck. his hands working at the knots in your muscles, hating how tense they are.

after a few minutes, your body runs out of tears and you focus on heeseung’s hands. they’re soft yet firm as they press down on your skin. you let out a quiet moan when he pressed down on the space between your neck and shoulder and he smiles, glad to release some of your tension.

heeseung wiggles his toes in the water when the water cools down, no longer a comfortable temperature. he gently lifts your head as he steps out of the tub, grabbing two towels. without him asking, you slowly stand up. he smiles at you as he offers you his hand. you grab it and step out of the tub, right onto the grey mat.

although heeseung knows you’re fully capable of it, he uses the towel to dry your body. he dries your arms before traveling down your body, gently patting your thighs before rubbing down your shins. at the sight, you can feel warmth spread through your core. then, he wraps your body in the towel. he grabs the other towel and dries your hair before wrapping your hair in the towel.

you smile at him and he beams down at you, pressing a kiss to your cheek. you reach over and hand him another towel and his smile turns bashful as you watch him dry his legs. heeseung grabs your hand and motions you out of the bedroom. you follow him and sit on the bed, watching as he takes off his underwear. at the sight of his cock, your mouth waters. you press your thighs together, ignoring the slight pain. heeseung doesn’t notice as he pulls his pajama bottoms back on.

you watch him with dark eyes as he walks to you. he unwraps the towel from your hair, massaging your scalp with it a few times before laying it beside you.

“lift your arms, baby.” you do as he says and he slips his shirt on you, pulling off the towel. he leaves you on the bed as he hangs the towels in the bathroom and puts your clothes in the laundry.

when he’s back, you can only stare at him. your eyes glance at the clock and they widen. “seung,” you whisper. heeseung can’t even explain how good it feels to have you say his name. his heart squeezes in his chest. he steps closer to you. “what about the movie? we should get going.”

you and heeseung were supposed to go out today. a new studio ghibli movie had come out and heeseung had really wanted to see it. although you were in no mood, you would go if he wanted too.

heeseung blinks at you before he cups your face with his hand, his thumb grazing your bottom lip. “fuck the movie, baby. you’re way more important.” you try your best not to let your eyes water at his words. “tell me what i can do. do you want to sleep? or shall i make you something to eat?”

your frown deepens and heeseung wants to kiss you so badly but he just continues pressing down on your bottom lip. “but–” heeseung shakes his head, knowing what you were going to say. you say it anyways. “you really wanted to watch the movie.”

heeseung sighs before he crouches down, matching eye level with you. he uses his other hand to cup the other side of your face before he presses his forehead against yours. “you are more important than some movie, my love. how can i watch a movie when you’re upset?” he kisses your nose. “all i want is to make you feel better. offer you comfort any way i can.”

you shut your eyes at his words, unable to handle the tensity of his gaze; filled with so much love and affection. you nodded once before you opened your eyes. “will you lay with me? i just want you to hold me.”

heeseung smiles before nodding. he stands up and as you crawl further into bed, he pulls off his shirt. he knows that you always prefer laying with him while he’s shirtless because he runs extremely warm. you find comfort in his warmth; skin to skin in a non-intimate way.

heeseung crawls into bed and gathers you in his arms. you lay facing him as he wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you in. you lay one hand flat on his chest while the other is thrown over his waist. his legs tangle with yours and you nuzzle your face into his neck.

he rubs your back soothingly as you breathe him in. “do you wanna talk about it, baby?”

you don’t say anything as you think about it. you didn’t really want to talk about it, but communication was important to both of you. you knew that if you were in heeseung’s position, you would want him to say something.

“i’m just so fucking exhausted, hee.” you mumble against his chest. he kisses your forehead as he listens, wishing he could remove everything unpleasant from your life. “nothing went right today and it was all too much.” his fingers traced small patterns on your back.

“i’m sorry, love,” he whispers. his breath tickles your ears and you sigh into him, clinging. “that sounds awful.” heeseung genuinely meant it. it took a lot to make you upset, being someone who always looked at the positive side of things. he wanted to squeeze all the negativity out of your body, willing to carry it all himself if it meant you would smile up at him.

you nodded as you shut your eyes. this was all you thought about all day; laying in bed with him, his strong arms around you. knowing he would take care of you, even if you didn’t deserve it. you loved him so much.

you and heeseung lay together, your eyes shut as he rubs your back, whispering sweet words of encouragement every now and then. you want to fall asleep, but you can’t. even though you’re exhausted, you can’t seem to drift off.

frustrated, you shift your hips, trying to find a better position and whimper when heeseung’s bulge rubs against your bare pussy. heeseung’s eyes fly open and he tightens his hold on you.

“baby?” he looks down at you and his eyes widen when he stares down at your watery, tired eyes. “what is it, love?”

you rub your pussy against his clothed dick and whimper at the feeling. heeseung watches as you squeeze your eyes close at the feeling and suddenly, he understands. when heeseung has a bad day, nothing makes him feel better than being inside you. he now knows that you’re the same.

he kisses your forehead and cheek before he grabs your chin and makes you look up at him. “do you want me, baby?” he nudges your nose with his. “hm? want me to fill you up?” he should have realized that this is what you wanted. your nails were digging into him, wanting to be as close to him as you could be.

you nodded, eyes wide. heeseung usually liked to tease you, but right now, all he wanted was to make you feel better. nothing was more important than taking care of you. “please,” you say.

heeseung smiles and kisses you, lips pressing against yours messily. as he kisses you, his hand travel down your waist, mindful of your burns. he slips his hand in between your legs, his thumb pressing against your pussy. “fuck, baby,” he whispered against your mouth. “you’re already so wet.” he rubs your pussy with his thumb before pressing down on your clit, swallowing your moan.

he coats his fingers in your slick before slipping a finger in, his rough skin caressing your gummy walls, reaching deep within you. when you moan, heeseung begins kissing your neck, sucking and nibbling. you press your forehead against his neck, sucking on his adam’s apple when he slips another finger in, and then another. the three fingers inside you worked fast, curling and pumping.

heeseung kisses you everywhere he can. he presses open mouth kisses to your neck and chin and then kissed your lips, tongues pressed together. your body began to shake and he knew you were close. you were squeezing around his fingers and he rubbed your clit with his thumb.

“that’s it, love,” he encouraged. he kissed your forehead and then your eyelids. “cum for me. let go, baby.” you moaned out his name as you cummed, nails digging into his back as he made you ride out your orgasm on his fingers.

he whispered quiet praises in your ear, pressing his lips against the side of your head. “such a good girl, that’s it.” once you began panting, he slowly removed his fingers and brought them to his lips.

you watched with blurry eyes as he licked his fingers clean, sucking off all your juices as he stared at you, nothing but love in his eyes. “you did amazing, baby.”

at this, you smiled and heeseung felt like the luckiest man in the world. his own eyes crinkled and he kissed you, ignoring your whimper as you tasted yourself on his tongue.

kissing you hungrily, heeseung used one hand to pull his pajamas down. you felt his tip graze your pussy and you jerked into him, sensitive. he slid himself against your pussy, using your juices to wet his dick.

“i got you, baby.” he whispered into your mouth. he lines himself with your entrance and slowly pushes in, your slick making it easy for him. you silently gasp as he stretches you, welcoming the feeling. heeseung whimpers as your pussy sucks him in and he moans into your neck when he bottoms out.

that’s how you lay for a few minutes; holding each other as his dick fills you up, connecting you both at the most intimate level. you kiss heeseung’s neck, needing more friction. “move, hee. please.”

heeseung nods, eyes squeezed shut as he slowly begins rocking his hips back and forth. you both moan as he fucks you slowly, filling you up just the way you wanted. once he’s fully in you, you squeeze around his dick and he whimpers, eyes opening. you grind on his dick and he can only bite his lip as you use his dick for your own pleasure.

and he lets you. he doesn’t move as you continue to grind on his cock, wanting your pleasure to come first. he holds himself back when you slowly start to move on his dick, knowing that it belonged to you more than it did him.

the sight of you trying to get yourself off on his cock is enough to push him over the edge. he’s sweaty and his eyes are blurry, and he is so in love with you. he hopes you never have a bad day again but if you do, he wants you to use him like this. when you open your eyes and look at him, he can’t help but kiss you.

“please, seungie.” you beg. “make me cum.”

hearing your words, heeseung loses control. he begins rocking his hips back and forth, pulling out completely and then pushing in, deep enough to feel himself in your stomach. you’re whimpering and gasping, and then you’re squeezing around him and he’s unraveling.

“i’m cumming,” you sniffle. “seung, please. i’m–”

heeseung slams into you, fucking you harder. he presses his face against your head as he pants. “cum for me, love.” his cock twitches and when he feels your cum soak his dick, he lets go. he continues fucking you as he cums, unable to stop.

you press yourself further into him, body sweaty and warm as his dick fucks his cum into you. you pull at his hair when you begin to feel overstimulated, but heeseung doesn’t stop. he rocks his hips into you until you’re both on the verge of tears.

once he’s stopped cumming, his muscles relax and he holds you tighter, kissing your forehead. he tries to move but you’ve caged him with your arms and legs. you look up at him and smile so widely he swears he could cum again.

“stay in me, seung. just wanna feel you.”

heeseung presses his lips against yours softly and keeps his dick in you. “whatever you want, princess.” he wanted to clean you up, wipe the stickiness from your legs and put some ointment on your thighs, but he would have to wait. right now, you needed him inside you, beside you.

you slightly adjust yourself and rest your head in his neck as he rests his on your head. he rubs your back, tracing small hearts on your shoulder until he hears your soft snores.

he smiles at you before kissing your forehead, tightening his hold on you before he drifts off to sleep. his cock still in you, keeping you warm and full and happy.

a/n: i love soft hee so much. there isn't enough of him on here. also, this one is for @karinasbaby because she is everything to me and appreicates soft hee as much as i do. also this was meant to be short but i got carried away 🤭

[coffehousecreations]

And They Were Roommates

Jack of All Trades Chpt 1. 

Click here for the Prologue

Word Count: 1591

TW: Cussing and creepy roommates

Hope y’all like my lil update. I just realized that this is my first real writing project, so go easy on me. I’m I really love this story and can’t wait to write more!!! I put most of it under the cut so I don’t clog up anyone’s dash. Let me know if you want to be added to a taglist or somethin’

Love coffee ☕️ 

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     

As a rule, Nova took very good care to remain anonymous. She operated under the name Echo. She didn’t interact with her more serious customers if she could help it and stuck to shadows. On the job, her face was always covered by a hood or mask. Her body type obscured by baggy clothes and various sized heels.

She was a ghost.

However, Nova had been on the Italian Mafia’s most wanted list ever since she invited the cops to the Conte’s “family gathering”. A rather affectionate name for a weapons exchange deal she thought. That was a few months ago. Still, the mob has a talent for sniffing out rats in the street. And while she was confident in her own safety, Nova didn’t want to jeopardize her contacts in the NYPD.

Staten Island is barely a part of New York City, but it’s easy to blend in so it makes a good place to put a safe house. No one knew Nova, no one would, and she liked it that way. Even if the pizza wasn’t as good as Sal’s, at least it wasn’t fucking New Jersey.

Nova sighed and sat down at her computer. Alright. It’s time to move again. She pulled up craigslist, her best friend since she moved back to New York, and began to scroll. She needed a bit of cash and an apartment with no questions asked. Luckily, she found both.

“PLZ HELP” in bright blue letters. She clicked on the listing.

“Please help me get rid of my crazy roommate. He’s insane but i think we can trick him if you move in and we pretend he never existed. The room will be free for the first month if you want to stay. It’ll be like that episode in friends please I don’t know what to do”

Underneath the plea, were pictures of a clean, medium sized, two bedroom apartment. Along with these photos was a video titled “And they were roommates”. It was a five minute video pieced together from snapchat stories and secret filming of a short man with black hair and olive skin doing increasingly creepy shit. Things like calling every 20 mins, watching people sleep, and somehow almost burning the kitchen down after trying to “cook a goldfish.”

She’d never seen Friends, but it sounded like the perfect job after being stuck in a small studio apartment. Ever since she was young, Nova liked to prank people. At least now it’s for a good cause She reasoned. If she was being honest with herself, however, Nova knew she was excited for any excuse to get out of the safe house. Her fingers clicked along the keyboard to inquire after the job and apartment.  

Hardly a minute later her computer chimed and a message appeared.

“OOf thank you so much I was starting to lose hope. YES. I still need help with this as soon as you can. If you can come today I would be forever grateful. My roommate is out until 2 so if you can come before that it would be grEAT. Thank you so much again.”

Now there was a curiosity in Nova. What the hell was she getting herself into? 

She knew nothing about who she was coming to the aid of. By the state of his message and listing, he was at the very least desperate. Although Nova was not the most adept at using technology, it didn’t seem to be a scam. Thoughts raced through her head, calculating possibilities and outcomes. What if her new roommate be just as crazy as the one she was meant to replace? Then again, it was a free apartment.

“I’ll be there in an hour.” 

A ferry ride, a subway, and an uber later, Nova was there. All of her belongings fit into a suitcase and a backpack, which served as her loyal companions during the trip. The address was on a corner of Broadway street next to an old theater. She smirked and her eyes darted around, taking in the sight with anticipation. As she walked up the stairs there was a slight creaking, but she could work with that. Promptly, Nova reached her destination: apartment 310. 

The man that opened the door before her didn’t look insane. He was wearing a fashionable outfit for late summer in New York: a well fitting button down with khakis and even matching shoes. But his eyes were a tired and worn out brown under slightly askew glasses. 

“Jack of all trades?” he half pleaded. That was Nova’s username for smaller gigs like this and she was used to the sound of it now. 

“Looks like we’re going to be roommates for a while,” She hesitated before reciting his username back, “frog legs and fried chicken???” 

Turning into the apartment, the young man gave a slight chuckle and introduced himself as Dallas Montgomery the Third. Nova was hardly surprised at the bit of southern twang in his voice. One that was energized and enunciated yet retained some drawl. Most likely northern Louisiana she determined. 

“Alright, so I’ve already changed the locks and put his stuff out on the street, but that’s the easy part. How do we convince Tommy boy he don’t live here?” Dallas put his hands on his hips and squinted, looking around the apartment as if it was hiding answers somewhere.

Nova followed suit. Her eyes traced the details of the apartment. A couch and a few chairs were facing the TV on the wall. The clock said it was almost 2. The kitchen was off to the left and the bedrooms just beyond. Only the living room could be seen from the doorway. 

As his eyes scanned the room, Dallas noticed his new roommate walking aimlessly with a suitcase in hand. “Your room is the one on the left.” There was a nod of acknowledgement and she disappeared behind a door. The next moment, she reappeared with a large painting where her suitcase had been previously.

Dallas blinked. “Redecorating already, or did you just really not want that in your room?” He queried, watching as she glided across the room and replaced the piece she was holding with an old movie poster on the wall. He blinked again and realized that his jaw must have dropped at the sight, cause when Nova caught sight of his face, her smirk turned into a wide grin. 

“Relax, it’s only temporary.” Her voice soothed and her eyes reassured. The poster was set against the back of the couch. “Help me move this?” Nova motioned to the chair. Dazed and confused, yet willing, Dallas picked up one end and shuffled across the room.

Suddenly, there was a banging on the door and a muffled, angry voice. Dallas turned wide eyes to his only hope at getting his apartment back to normal. But, Nova didn’t seem shaken at all. In fact, still wore a small smirk as she grabbed a large plant and walked towards the door. Setting it down right next to the kitchen entrance, she signaled for Dallas to get behind it. She took a deep breath as the pounding continued and was grateful that she had decided to wear a striped shirt. Then Nova opened the door. 

In its place was the angry, short man from the video who was still shouting. “What the hell Dal? Why’s all my shit on the street and my keys don’t even work, man! What the Hell?” He tried to push his way past the door. However, Nova’s foot was placed firmly behind it, leaving a small opening that the roommate was too muscled to fit though. He finally stopped throwing a tantrum long enough to look at Nova and realize that it was not his roommate. Blonde hair framed innocent brown eyes that looked up at him. “Who da fuck are you?”

“Pardon,” she batted her eye-lashes at him and continued in a light and flawless french accent, “I believe you have the wrong apartment.” He stared, stupefied. “Desole - uh, sorry,” she continued and began to close the door. At the movement, the crazy roommate, Tommy, snapped to his senses. 

“Nah uh, I live here. This is my apartment.” He pushed once more at the door and it slammed back into her foot. “This is my apartment,” He repeated, a bit louder and slower, as if doing so would change the language in which it was said, despite his New Yorker accent.

If there was a camera to look into, Dallas would’ve been Jim from the Office. Nova maintained her composure, however, in her response. “C’est dommage. This apartment is mine.” Although her smile was still friendly, her eyes were about to throw daggers while her head tilted inside. Tommy’s eyes narrowed as they left Nova’s face and transitioned to the apartment. She saw them hit the painting and his eyebrows raised. Swiftly, they moved to the green leaves behind her, down to a non-existent chair and stopped.

Tommy took a step back, closing his eyes and letting out a distressed huff through his nose. He looked like an angry customer who claimed to know the manager while unknowingly talking to the manager. 

“So sorry miss - uh.” He looked behind him while Nova smiled sweetly. “I’ll just be going. Sorry to trouble you.”

“No problem,” Nova beamed. “Pleure un coup, tu pisseras moins.” Laughing awkwardly, Tommy quickly retreated down the stairs. As soon as the door shut, Dallas emerged from the plant.

“You are a Goddess among men.”

“Damn right.”

[maldaptivedaydreamer]

What Now?

DEANxFem!ReaderXZico

Genre: Angst

Word Count:3416

Description: You and dean have been together for several years. He met you through a friend of his sometime after his career took off. You knew what his career would entail but you did’t know how cold he would become after it. What happens when you guys get in a fight and you both say things you probably shouldn’t? What will you do and where will you go? Read to find out. 

Inspired by: What Now By: Rihanna 

“I live my life like this Tell me how could I miss Giving you everything you deserve You know I be doin' the most While you be back at home I promise baby it could be worse I'm out here gettin' my money Everyday sunny Steez on flame I know, I know Telling my chauffeur "Hurry up and wait" Too too, he be like Too too, time to hit that road Zoom, you on your solo While I'm takin' photos to post Whoo, I know you feel crazy now”

The same lyrics I once sung along with, flowing from his mouth so easily, were now nothing more than an annoyance. He was on stage and I was at home watching from a video stream as usual. They were true though, every ounce of the words he sang, they were true. They stuck in my head and down my spine like darts.

Yea I feel crazy. I feel insane sitting here doing laundry knowing very well when you come home you are just gonna throw your dirty clothes on the floor. I feel crazy when I make you your favorite food and you throw it away or give it to your buddies. When you look at other girls when you are out with me. Blowing me off even in your free time to “work”. For the fact that I still love you.

Girl, I forgot about missin' you Said, I forgot about missin' you I've been too busy out gettin' my yaper I ain't got time to be thinkin' bout you I've been on your mind, true Twenty racks on my wrist Still I ain't got time for you Home girls lookin' at me like "What's up, what's up? What's good, what's good Where you at right now? How long will you be on my side of town?"

I turned off the video unable to deal with it anymore. He wasn’t as bad before. We had hiccups in the beginning like any couple, but sometime after 2 years, he started to just let me go. No more dates, no more cuddling in bed. When I dressed up for him, all I earned was a sidelong glance and an eye roll. When we went out together he wouldn’t show even the smallest amount of skin-ship. Always opting to pay attention to anyone or anything else. He didn’t even care if another man or woman hit on me. It was absurd at this point. I was long past feeling pity for myself. I was fed up and I wasn’t going to hide it tonight.

*Ding* Dean’s Manager: Y/N Dean will be late getting home tonight. Traffic is tight and ‘The Guys’, as he calls it, showed up. Talked on for ages. Looks like they are going to meet up somewhere. You know the deal. Sorry yet again. -x

He hasn’t been home in 6 days and he decides to go out more?! No that’s it! I am so done! You wanna make me feel crazy I’ll show you crazy! You aren’t even on tour!!

Not even bothering to change, I stormed out of the house in my white tank, leggings, and high tops. It was chilly so I at least grabbed a Letterman jacket. I started up my motorcycle and threw on my helmet, taking off into the night, zooming through the city streets. I had a strong idea of where he would be and headed straight for the club downtown. I cut off a few cars and was nearly hit once or twice but I didn’t care; I was on a mission. By the time I reached the club my rage was full blown. I’ve had to come here several times before because of him. Be it for him not coming home on time or some skeezy girl sending me a pic of her and him on his phone. So when the bouncer saw me coming up he only shook his head and opened the door for me. People all throughout Dean’s social life knew about what he was doing to me. It was well known, just not to the media. He was just a kind and seriously talented young artist to them. But we all knew better.

I pushed past the crowds of people and past the bar. Turning down the dark red and purple hallway that led to the private rooms. I was just about to open the door to room 21 (his preferred room) when a familiar face opened it before I could. In front of me stood Zico. At first he was a bit surprised but soon an all-knowing look replaced that.

“I guess I should send him out right?” he asked scratching his neck.

“Either you do or I’ll get him myself; you take your pick.”

“Alright one sec”, and with that he turned around shutting the door. I heard the laughter die down and a few shrill voices make snide remarks. I didn’t care though. I leaned my back against the opposite wall waiting for him. It didn’t take much longer either thankfully. The door opened to reveal him laughing at something someone had said before he quickly shut it and looked up at me with a blank face. He said nothing, only a quirked an eyebrow and crossed his arms, leaning against the door to mirror my pose. I scoffed.

“So you’re not gonna say anything to your loving girlfriend whom you haven’t seen, texted, or even called in nearly a week?”

“I was busy”

“Right. Like always. You know I almost feel like I’m dating your manager with how much I talk to him compared to you.” At that he shifted uncomfortably but I persisted.

“Ya know normally I would just act as I always have and ignored this. But for a year, A YEAR, I have been dealing with this. You EMAILED ME TO PICK UP YOUR DRY CLEANING ON OUR ANNIVERSARY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD AND YOU CAN’T EVEN TEXT ME YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE GONNA BE HOME LATE?! AM I SOME HOUSE MAID TO YOU?”

My throat was already beginning to get raw but I was only beginning. But he smirked at me. HE FUCKING SMIRKED! Even worse was, despite the smell of alcohol, his gaze was steady and even. He stood up from the door and leaned over me parting his lips into a vicious smile.

“Ha! A maid would be above you. At least they get paid. I know you expect me to feel bad here but honestly you did this to yourself. I mean what did you expect? I’m out here living the dream! Making something of myself! I don’t have time to worry about you all the damn time. You told me to focus on my dream and you understood. You said you could handle this but obviously you can’t handle anything! Hell you wouldn’t be anything without me would you? All you do is follow me around all the time. You’re not special. You’re just another girl in the crowd. Do you even try?”

“Do I even try? DO I EVEN TRY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? All I fucking do is try for you, you ungrateful shit stick! I cook, I clean, I dress up, and a bite my tongue. I run back and forth thinking about you all the goddamn time and you want to ask me if I even try? NO fuck you! Now you listen to me here Kwon Hyuk. I was going to hear you out tonight. Let you rattle off another half assed excuse and take it for what it was because I LOVED you.”, He flinched, “But I am not going to accept this level of disrespect and abuse. You want to live your dream in peace? Here! Fucking have your peace then! Don’t come back to the fucking apartment! I live off you? I feed off you? I bought the fucking place. I pampered you in every which way I could manage so I am SO FUCKING SORRY IT WASN’T ENOUGH!”

“FINE! GO THEN! I DON’T NEED YOU AND I NEVER HAVE! THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER GIRLS WAITING IN LINE TO BE WITH ME AND THEY ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER BE!”

At this point we were in each others faces, dangerously close, feeling each other’s hot breath and cold stares. I could see his fists clenched at his sides as he slowly began popping his knuckles in frustration. He had kept his volume even and relatively low (until the last bit) but I made sure everyone in the room behind him heard me. 

Let them think I’m crazy. Let them cover his tracks for him. Let them get tossed to the side like everyone else he uses like this I don’t fucking care anymore.

“Ya know Y/N You’ve really changed”, he said through gritted teeth with narrowed eyes. “You haven’t seen anything yet.”

                                                    ~1 year later~

“Hello Y/L/N Y/F/N? I am calling to inform you that your audition was a success. We at SM Entertainment are happy to welcome you aboard and would like to get started working with you immediately. Can you come in today? We would like to get you adjusted and have a briefing. Training will begin tomorrow at 6am so dress accordingly. Thank you again for auditioning. We look forward to hearing back from you.” *Beeeep* 

I had already called back hours ago but was listening to the voice mail again in shock. Pacing around the living room waiting for my friend to come over to celebrate. I had been running errands all day so I didn’t get the call until 20 min after the voicemail had been left. I was so scared they would be mad but they were actually very understanding to my surprise. My grocery bags laid stacked by the door still as I hadn’t even begun to even think of putting them away after I initially played my answering machine. So to say I was startled when a pair of hands gently grabbed me by my shoulders would be a vast understatement.

“OOWAAHHH~!! Oh omo It’s only you thank goodness.”

“Only me? Pshh yea only your bestest friend in the world Zico. Ya know little lady you have quite the privilege to say things like that. Most Idols can’t even call me their best friend.”, he said smirking then bending down to pick up my grocery bags. “Why are you pacing so much anyways? Aren’t you excited? You can finally be almost as dope as me.”

I shoved him lightly, chuckling a bit and shaking my head. Ever since that night when me and Dean fought, Zico has been by my side like glue. He had felt bad, as if it was his fault purely for even introducing me and him to each other. We had been friends for only a month at that time and met up at a club to hang out. But now, after everything had passed, he turned out to be my closest and most trustworthy friend. Though sometimes when we were alone he would say things that upon first glance would seem harmless. But they would never fail to bring an uneasiness to my stomach and make my heart race. I guess somewhere along the way I began to all for him.

  “Now you know darn well I am far more dope than you Zi. I mean you can’t compare to my good looks”, I said with a hair flip and a wink. He just laughed with a bright eye closed smile while putting my groceries away; stealing a few grapes too.

“Yea you certainly got me beat there. You’re too beautiful for me to compete with.”

We both nervously laughed with a blush evident on our faces. We did things like this a lot now but neither of us said anything about it. We spent the whole night laughing and talking before settling to watch a movie. I fell asleep about halfway through though and woke up curled into his side with his arm protectively around me. Normally I would’ve been stricken with embarrassment, as red as a tomato, but I was too tired and comfortable to fully process the situation. When I next woke I was wrapped in a blanket with a note next to me

. “Sorry Y/N for skipping out like this. I had to get to the studio to work on some new stuff. You looked to cute asleep in my arms so I couldn’t possibly wake you. I left a coffee for you on the counter though. Don’t be late to your first day! Knock’em dead! Fighting! -Zi” I smiled with a long forgotten feeling bubbling in my chest. Zico was always doing little things to make me smile and surprise me. I grabbed the coffee, sipping it while it still was warm, and got ready to head out for the day. After a few months I had already begun working on a demo album. Zi and I finally talked about our friendship and each other and begun dating. Tonight we were going out to celebrate. Nothing too serious though, just a walk through the city at night with delicious street food and lots of jokes. The stars were bright over head and I was the happiest I had been in a while. That is until I bumped into the last person I’d ever want to see.

“Oh I am so so sorry sir! Are you-” “Y/N?”

“Uh-..”, I slowly lifted my bowed head and peered into the unmistakable dark eyes that once looked at me with tenderness and love; now holding nothing more than emptiness. Zi pulled me into his side protectively while watching his “friend” closely. It was common news that me and Zi were close but no one knew yet that we were dating. But Dean was far too smart for that and new immediately upon looking at us.

“Ah so you are Idol hopping now eh? Heh can’t go very long without clinging to someone can you now Y/N”, he laughed but it was drained. He looked behind him as a small girl came running up to him. She smiled innocently at us, and I felt bad for her, knowing she knew nothing of how he was with women.

  “I’m sorry. You’re Dean right? Wow! Never thought I’d meet you! Well good bye!”, I said quickly. He didn’t deserve my time, and I wasn’t going to sour Zi’s or that girl’s night because Kwon was immature. I turned and left him, along with any pain or regret, behind me. I worked my ass off for years, exercising, taking singing and dance lessons. We released my first solo EP and I even did a few songs with Idols like Baekhyun, J-min, and of course my best friend Zico. Before I knew it I was nominated for Rookie Of The Year and was going up to perform my most popular cover so far. Zi would of course be in the crowd cheering me on along with the rest of the competing idols in the industry. I had made many friends along my way, including members of TWICE and Sistar. My closest female friend so far now though was Jessica. We’ve known eachother for 2 ½ years now and she has really encouraged and inspired me up until this very moment.

  The lights dim, the crowd hushes, and I make my way to center stage in secret. Im dressed in a midnight blue high-low dress with my hair curled loosely. All I see when the lights go up is silver twinkling around me. I take a deep breath, letting my body role with the music around me, and I let myself become lost in the emotion.

I been ignoring this big lump in my throat I shouldn't be crying, tears were for the weak The days I'm stronger, know what, so I say That's something missing Whatever it is, it feels like it's laughing at me through the gla** of a two-sided mirror Whatever it is, it's just sitting there laughing at me And I just wanna scream

“Dean! I missed you so much! I made your favorite dinner! “Mhm thats nice” “Dean do you wanna go out tonight? We haven’t been out in months and i wa-” “Not now Y/N! Can’t you see I am busy?”

What now? I just can't figure it out What now? I guess I'll just wait it out What now? Ohhhh what now? I found the one he changed my life But was it me that changed And he just happened to come at the right time I'm supposed to be in love But I'm not mugging

“Hey Y/N you haven’t talked to anyone in a few weeks, are you ok?” “Yea Zi I’ll be fine I just need some time” “Does time include me coming over with your favorite movie and treat?”

Whatever it is, it feels like it's laughing at me through the gla** of a two-sided mirror Whatever it is, it's just sitting there laughing at me And I just wanna scream

I locked eyes with Dean in this moment. But I continued on strong, never hesitating. I let my eyes and voice carry my story along each note. I poured out all that I had held in for so long.

There's no one to call cause I'm just playing games with them all The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone 'Cause I spent every hour just going through the motions I cant even get the emotions to come out Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout What now? I just can't figure it out What now? I guess I'll just wait it out What now? Somebody tell me What now? I don't know where to go I don't know what to feel I don't know how to cry I don't know ow ow why I don't know where to go I don't know what to feel I don't know how to cry I don't know ow ow why I don't know where to go I don't know what to feel I don't know how to cry I don't know ow ow why So what now?

I finished up my performance and switched to one of my more upbeat originals. It was actually a song about love and friendship and I danced along the stage with all the energy I could manage. I even ripped of the train of the dress that trailed behind me in a dramatic flourish. In this moment I was like a phoenix. In this moment I was strong and reborn. I had come so far and I wasn’t about to stop. I passed Dean after my performance. He was on his way up to announce the next set of awards but he stopped in front of me and opened his mouth to say something to me first.

“You really were something out there Y/N.”, he said with a wry smile but then turned to glare, “does everything you do have to be about me?”

If I wasn’t feeling so bold my mouth would’ve dropped. Instead I straightened my back, folded my arms, and looked him dead in the eye.

“You know Dean I get the feeling you are threatened by me. You said before I would never be anything without you and yet here I am proving you wrong. Nothing is about you anymore and you can’t stand it can you? Now you see how much better off I am without you. How talented and truly amazing I am. And how cowardly you really are.”

“You make it out like I was really that bad to you. This is what it’s like when you are famous. You’ll see Y/N” 

“No I won’t. Because I am not you. And I will never do what you did to me to Zi. He loves me and I love him and we go miles for each other. And you run from girl to girl, never satisfied, and always lonely. You said you forgot about missing me? Said you didn’t have time to think about me. Even though you knew all I thought about was you? Well Kwon I have one final question for you.”, I shifted on my leg and cocked a hip, narrowing my eyes at him. “What now?”

[craigwinslow]

2 0 1 6 👋

Go, Hustle, Be.

Personally, I’ve had a breakthrough of a year. I feel more confident, more financially stable, and just damn proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish.

Landing the Adobe Creative Residency back in April has propelled my independent design career in wonderful ways. It’s given me a massive platform to promote my work, share my process, and educate others along the way.

99U wrote a feature on Projecting West. Creative Review and then FastCo Design covered my work from the London Design Festival. Most affirming of all— one of my favorite publications, The Great Discontent, did a fantastic long-form interview on me.

I’ve met an incredible amount of new people, produced an impressive amount of work, but by the end of 2016 I had one big problem. One that’s hard to admit.

I’m completely overwhelmed.

I made a bunch of work in quick succession and it’s all piled up. Finding time to document work is a common struggle if you have another immediate project to jump to next. I push myself hard, but in the pressure put on myself to make the most of this residency, I’m drowning by being overly ambitious. 

Hell— even finishing this recap post has a been a crazy-daunting task. I haven’t even posted on my blog since I got the residency in April. That needs to change. I miss writing about bits of process & behind the scenes of projects.

Typically when I get stressed, I let myself go on a tangent and work on whatever I really want to work on. That usually means I start another new idea, but so long as I’m happy & being productive, it works. Eventually I’ll snap out of it, and stay up all night churning out actual work to get out of a creative rut. This time, I completely shut down instead.

So, I spent the holidays reflecting, took some good time with friends and family, and disconnected— slowed down to better move forward.

I’ve succeeded in many ways this year, grown personally more than any other year in my life, yet I can’t help but be self-critical and focus on the ways I failed. 

Here’s what I did this year.

january

Future is Inevitable

I kicked off 2016 with my first solo art show, which turned on just before midnight. Neutrally named, passers by stared into a magic doorway containing fleeting future memories.

Scoble Show — Napa Valley

Robert Scoble invited me to his 2nd annual party and I made a fun impromptu light installation on a tower of wine barrels and vineyard doors.

White Noise Now Announce Video

After quietly experimenting with materials and bouncing ideas, I filmed and edited this launch teaser for a new collaborative with movement artist Erika Senft Miller and sound designer Miles Dean. (Scroll down, we launched the first performance in VT in Oct!)

february

Take F(light)

An impromptu short made with two other PWLF artists, flying a glass airplane with a custom-built drone, to promote our creative works for the Portland Winter Light Festival.

Between Them — Portland Winter Light Festival

Bringing the bridges of Portland to life, imagining what inside jokes the pillars must have about these interesting Portland-folk. Given a spare projector, I showed the Future is Inevitable doorways on two neighboring pillars.

ZX + Future is Inevitable at AFRU Gallery

Same weekend as the PWLF, I showed these two pieces in a group show called ByteMe 5.0.

march

Object Theory Branding

I was fortunate to work with creative director Amy Hillman to create a visual brand for Object Theory, named Most Innovative AR/VR Companies of 2016 by Fast Company.

Epiccurence — The Montues

Invited by Dann Petty to augment the space, ended up creating an impromptu projection with live visuals. I met so many amazing creative humans.

Portland Monthly

I did a couple projection mapping installations at various events for Portland Monthly. One of them was ruined by an amazing sunset.

Applied for Adobe Creative Residency

My good friend Mike Ackerman told me about some creative residency thing but the deadline was only 2 days away. I stayed up all night and submitted my Light Capsules concept for it. Glad I pulled that all-nighter.

april

Soundtoys / Julianna Barwick

Projection mapping live graphics on a cyc wall at Soundtoys while responding to the beautiful sounds of Julianna Barwick.

Jackson Hole Road Trip

Drove out to Jackson, WY to hang out with a close friend Nick, scope out ghostsigns, and mentally prepare for the upcoming year of residency work.

Preparing for Residency

Adobe sent a video team to Portland to create an intro, announcing my residency. You’ll find that video directly above these words you’re reading.

may

Full Moon Masquerade with Greg Davis

Projection mapping into a fish tank, stairwell, and shipwreck at ECHO Aquarium. Thanks to my friends at Signal Kitchen for bringing me on!

Light Capsules — Adobe Creative Residency

For my residency I proposed a project I had in mind since Day 6 of Projecting West, projection mapping ghost signage around the world, bringing the previous layers of history back to life.

Light Capsule 001 — Burlington, VT

To kick off my residency project, I thought it was only right to start on the building where my design career truly began.

Light Capsule 002 — Joseph, OR

During a camping trip, I brought my generator and projectors, and found this little Shell sign and brought it to life at sunset.

Light Capsule 003 — Portland, OR

For a promotional live news segment about the project and my residency. Stay tuned for a Portland takeover for Portland Winter Light Festival 2017!

june

Light Capsule 004 — Astoria, OR

The first palimpsest of my residency project, the whole process from research to projection, was shared on Adobe’s Snapchat. I also wrote a big process post published for Adobe Create Magazine.

99U Article — Projecting West

After being interviewed by Matt McCue, he wrote a long piece on 99U about the story and origins behind our road trip kickstarter adventure, Projecting West.

july

Light Capsule 005 — Cincinnati, OH

Visited the incredible American Sign Museum, worked with Ronny Salerno, and revived the last remaining wall by sign painter Chuck Keiger.

PBR Unicorn Mask

Totally forgot to share this one. I worked with Jen Fuller Studios to design & produce a kit to make your own unicorn head out of a PBR box. They shipped the guide for Halloween 2016. You can get your own template for free on PBR’s site. Oh, and here’s the video I shot/edited as a making-of.

august

NikeLab x RT

As soon as I began the residency, I was separately approached by NikeLab for an animation/installation project. Adobe completely encouraged me to pursue it, taking time to focus on what resulted in an animated Ricardo Tischi pattern that was shown globally.

Light Capsule 006 — Portland, ME

Of course I had to put my hometown on the map. This one was quite a challenge to figure out, with a few mysteries that remain... Read more about it in my latest article on Adobe Create Magazine.

Light Capsule 007 —Portland, ME

For a “ghost sign,” this one wasn’t too worn, but I couldn’t resist using it to confuse people in the Portland out west.

september

XOXOFEST 2016

Collaborative light installation with my studiomate Ben Purdy. To commemorate the 5th year and impending hiatus of the festival, we blended glitched recap & speaker videos of past with a secret live feed from the bar. This was our first time actually working together on a project. (We’ve actually been paid to not work together before, but that’s another story.)

London Design Festival

Whoa. Huge trip to London to bring a series of Light Capsules across the pond. Collaborated with Sam Roberts of Ghostsigns. I was also honored to kick off the festival by speaking at the V&A Museum and share my story & process.

Light Capsule 008 — Take Courage

I couldn’t not do this sign for Courage Beer. The message actually comes from war time era, and ‘take’ is used like ‘take your medicine.’ So many meanings and history in this simple two-word phrase. So good in fact, we did this sign twice, the Saturday to start the festival, and the following Saturday to end it.

Light Capsule 009 — Barlow & Roberts

Up close & personal, this wooden sign tucked under a bridge and squeezed between two structures was a great way to demonstrate the projection mapping technique and process.

Light Capsule 010 — Cakebread Robey

Another palimpsest, this one up in Stoke Newington, it was interesting to analyze the two layers and see what changed as the business changed and grew.

Light Capsule Worldwide Party — Distillery Bar

Halfway through the London Design Festival, we took over a blank wall and brought to it a digital collection of signs from all over the world.

Light Capsule 011 — Wire Works

The left part of this sign was on the corner of a building that collapsed during the war. When it was rebuilt, they filled in the bricks, but didn't repaint.

Light Capsule 012 — Westminster Gillette

As the finale of the London Design Festival series, we brought to life this triple palimpsest that took some special figuring out using historical photographs.

october

White Noise Now presents — SALT

When we announced this back in January, I had no idea the second half of my year would get so insane. Fortunately, Adobe was super supportive of the WNN project, funded it, and I roped it into my residency. It was named Best Art Installations of 2016 by Seven Days. We’re very close to sharing the video of this performance installation, and I can’t wait to grow this collaborative further.

Light Capsule 013 — Detroit, MI

Pushing the Light Capsules project further, I collaborated with Miss Van to augment her mural alongside an existing ghost sign. This was also recorded in 360º on a Gear 360.

november

Adobe MAX Speaker

Third talk of the year, and the biggest of my life. I broke down a 60 min talk into a 10 min backstory, 20 min on Projecting West, and 20 min on Light Capsules. It went super well.

Adobe MAX BASH — Entrance

I created a light installation at the entrance to the MAX BASH, projection mapping on a sculpture of 42 surfboards. Naturally, I titled this MAX BORTS.

december

New work studio

Prior to the closing of the XOXO Outpost, my studiomate Ben Purdy noticed a new studio on craigslist… with a ghost sign in it. We toured a few other places, but the Goldsmith Blocks are pretty great and now I work up close with Big Philip.

New loft apartment

In another crazy timing circumstance, my roommate was moving out and I noticed a dream apartment opened up downtown: a big gorgeous studio loft in a converted historical industrial building. Pulled the trigger on it. Moved everything in a day. First time living alone, too, but it feels just right.

Monster Project SF

My mentor at Adobe, Stefano Corazza, organized an incredible gallery show for The Monster Project, hosted in the freshly renovated Adobe SF Headquarters. I flew down to create something fun and impulsive for it. With only a day to put something together, I brought on my pal Mike Ackerman and we ended up getting a bunch of paper lanterns and turned a festive tree into a creepy monster.

1 Hotels

Another side venture started in 2015 that is gaining some solid momentum, I’m working with 1 Hotel to realize an experimental new type of immersion room in their South Beach location. Details to come!

This recap post.

Last year I was in the same situation, everything piles up, holidays hit, and I bury myself in unrealistic expectations for a massive end of year post. (You know, something epic like what Mailchimp does.) This year, I reached a limit, and quietly imploded.

2 0 1 6 mantra. Go, Hustle, Be.

GO. — I certainly went. Even hit my goal to go international, too. London, Vancouver, Tijuana, plus lots around the states.

HUSTLE. — Looking at the above, I definitely got a lot done this year. Biggest accomplishment by far was landing the residency of my dreams.

BE. — I’m proud of the quality time I’ve had with many of the new people in my life, but I still need to dedicate more time to reflection and sharing my process.

2 0 1 7 mantra. Let’s do this. (smarter, better, together)

Everything is lining up for me to propel myself forward with the momentum gained through this residency with Adobe. I want to do some incredible things next… but I can’t possibly do this alone. Nor do I want to. 

Especially in the wake of this volatile election, I want to band together with my creative peers to build projects that bring people together and create ripples of positive impact.

This year I’m going to take serious steps to work smarter, optimize my workflow, and take more time for myself. I’ve stopped flying around like an idiot for a bit, and started an actual routine. I wake up at a certain time, make breakfast, coffee, read a chapter of a book, then walk to the studio. 

And now I’ve completed this post, and can somewhat satisfyingly check it off my list, and move forward.

Let’s do this, 2017. —Craig

A FEW THINGS COMING UP 2017:

Jan 20 — Speaking at Adobe Creative Jam Portland, PSU Feb 1-4 — Light Capsules series at Portland Winter Light Festival Feb/Mar — Light Capsules road trip to SXSW from LA to Austin Mar 30 — Immersive visuals for Beowulf at Princeton University.