#i’ve been soooo busy sorry this one kinda sucks i just haven’t had a lot of time to look for good ones

[good-pokemon-center-reviews]

[mcwriting]

The Marriage Project (9)

I’m back with anotha one! Sorry it’s taken so ridiculously long! I’ve been soooo busy that sitting down and writing or even formatting has been such a challenge. Please enjoy this chapter!

*also i watched Cherry and Tom was so good in it I’m- that film messed me up a lil bit but like it was so good. Also I’ve loved Ciara since btr and now I’m just insanely jealous and love her even more ugh 

Story Masterlist

Word Count: 2333

Warnings: Some language? I can’t think of anything else

% approximately the 3rd week of October %

Friday evening, the volleyball team arrived at the town regionals were being held at, about an hour away. You were staying in a hotel again, and as before, Julia was your buddy.

After having spent the evening laughing and having fun, your whole hotel room group was about to head up the stairs.

“Hey, y/n. Do you mind staying back for a minute?” Julia asked.

“Oh, sure. We’ll meet you guys upstairs,” you called to the other two, who waved back nonchalantly and continued walking. Julia and you went back to some empty seats near the lobby.

“What’s up?” you asked, smiling.

“Well… Sam told me he caught you and Tom yesterday and I just wanted to ask you about it…”

Your smile faltered.

“What’s there to talk about? I told him that Tom sprayed me with water so I got back at him by soaking the back of his shirt. There’s nothing more to say.”

“Well, yeah, he told me that but he also mentioned that you stayed for dinner? And met Nikki’s parents last weekend? Not trying to imply anything, but I didn’t meet their grandparents until Sam and I had been dating for like 6 months.”

You were getting annoyed, considering this was the second person in two days to ask you about Tom.

“I didn’t just meet them over nothing! Nikki took my senior pictures at the same time as Tom’s and wanted to do them there. I was just tagging along for the ride.”

“You know he’s also coming to state next weekend, right? If we pass through tomorrow?”

He is?

“Uh, no I didn’t. Doesn’t he have football stuff to worry about? It’s also Halloween next weekend, like he’d miss out on the big party.”

“They have a bye next week. Sam is going to come and I guess Tom is taking him, but Nikki might come too? I’m not sure. I guess you’d better ask him. Anyways, I just wanted to clear things up since there were all those rumors today,” she said, starting to get up.

“Wait, wai- Rumors? I never heard anything. Like about me?”

“You haven’t heard? I guess one of the freshman girls who has a massive crush on Tom was stalking Nikki’s website last night and saw some pictures of the two of you. A bunch of people think you’re dating now.”

You felt yourself pale.

“Oh no, and she changed one picture after Tom asked her to. Do you know what the picture was?”

“Something about him carrying you..? I never saw it, why?”

“Great. Now everyone is going to think she changed it because a secret got out or something. Ughhhh I just wish this stupid marriage project had never happened and I would never be in this mess.”

Julia looked at you contemplatively for a moment.

“Think of it this way, you and Tom are friends now, right?” you apprehensively nodded. “If it weren’t for that project, you two would still be fighting all the time and you wouldn’t have had the incredible Nikki Holland taking your pictures. Everyone can just get over themselves, you know?”

You snorted, then grinned.

“Yeah I guess so. You know, you’re annoyingly wise beyond your years,” you stated. “Now let’s get back upstairs. We have a long day ahead of us.”

%

Placing first at regionals meant two things: you were going to state, and everyone was congratulating you again when Monday came.

They also kinda looked at you funny when Tom high fived you in the hallway as he passed by, but you had decided to follow Julia’s advice and stop caring about the rumors people were spreading. 

Once the morning announcements ended, your calculus teacher stood up, a small paper stack in hand.

“Okay, everyone, since I’m your first period teacher and homecoming is next week, today you get to cast your nomination votes. Y’all know the drill: three guys, three girls for king and queen. Try to make it fast, we have a lot to do today.”

She walked around handing out half-sheets of paper with six lines on them. You and Tom immediately looked at each other.

“We nominating each other?” Tom asked before you could.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” you joked, filling out the sheet with both of your names and four others.

In home ec, you sat next to Tom cutting fabric for yet another project you had to do together, thinking about something Julia had mentioned.

“Hey, I gotta ask you something. Is it true you’re going to the capital this weekend for our state tournament?” you asked.

“Oh, yeah. This is our bye week and I promised Sam I’d go with him and mom. Plus, we can work on the project when you’re free.”

“You do realize that’s like a four hour drive, right? I mean it’s Halloween this weekend. Wouldn’t you rather make an appearance at Johnny’s big blowout?”

“Eh, it won’t be that great. I mean his place isn’t even that big and it’s in town. There’s literally no way it won’t get busted within the first half hour. The homecoming party at Tyler’s however… that’s gonna be insane.”

“Okay Johnny’s trash party aside, you really would rather spend your one free weekend of the season four hours away watching girls play volleyball then at home doing… whatever it is you do. And please don’t tell me you watch the ‘hub in your spare time.”

“Come on, y/n I’m not an animal. Even without the tight uniforms volleyball is really cool.” 

You backhanded his arm at the comment.

“Plus, I don’t need any videos to get myself off,” he added, smirking.

“You disgust me.”

“You know you love me.”

“Hmm. Debatable,” you shot back dryly, earning a chuckle and shoulder bump from him as you finally cracked.

%

At lunch, your friends were discussing the Halloween party when you sat down.

“Okay we really need to figure out what to wear this weekend, and we’re not going as playboy bunnies like Daisy and all her group,” said one girl.

“Well I say we dress as frat boys. It’s funny, not super sexual, and we all know half the guys are going to rush next year,” suggested Caroline.

“I like it, but what if we went a step further and dressed as dads. You know, hawaiian shirts, khaki shorts, socks and sandals. That would be hilarious. What do you think, y/n?” said Alexis.

“Sorry ladies, I won’t be there. We have state this weekend at the capital so as always, we’re driving down Friday after school. I will be at Tyler’s homecoming thing next weekend. Also, I do really like the dad thing, but I vote y’all do Guy Fieri.”

“Wait why is that literally genius,” Alexis said as the others agreed. “Of course it would suck to take your idea without you even getting to do it.”

“You guys really think I care? Just credit me in your insta captions. I’ll make the team put ribbons with flames on them in their ponytails Saturday.”

“Okay now we have to do it,” a different friend said.

“Hey, at least you won’t have to worry about Tom. I’m sure he’ll be at the party,” Caroline said. You wrinkled your nose.

“Yeah about that… His brother’s girlfriend is on the team so he’s going, too. I’m the one that’ll be seeing him instead of you guys but whatever. We’ll need to work on our project anyways.”

“Don’t you think that’ll fuel the fires people are already spreading about you? A good portion of the school thinks you’re secretly together now,” added the first friend from before. 

“People are going to believe whatever the hell they want. I honestly don’t care anymore. Oh! By the way, did I tell you guys that some freshman was the one spreading shit about me Friday? The nerve those kids have,” you said.

“Wait, what? It was a freshman that was trying to tell everyone y’all are together? Ugh why would anyone believe them?” Alexis asked, incredulous.

“I know, right? Apparently she’s like obsessed with Tom or something. She must have a backwards way of thinking if she believes spreading fake rumors will make him want her. Jokes on her when she has to see us together on homecoming court. He’s just as likely to be voted as I am, maybe even more.”

The group all laughed and continued talking about random things, and you mentally wiped the sweat from your brow now that the conversation was shifted from you and Tom.

%

You were nervously bouncing your leg before calculus Friday morning. You’d gotten to school early to make certain you would be there for the announcements, which is when they would be releasing the list of nominees.

Tom came in a couple minutes before the bell, hair still wet from his post workout shower. Usually he blow dried it, and he obviously noticed you looking at his curls, your knee bouncing anxiously.

“Got out of the weight room late so I rushed over here. What are you wired up about, princess?”

“Do I really have to tell you? Homecoming noms.”

“You’re actually nervous about that? Everyone knows you’re already at the top of the list.”

“Uh, no, that’s you. After everything that’s happened the past few weeks, there’s no telling how people feel about me.”

“Oh you’ll be fine. I know it,” Tom finished. You wanted to disagree with him further, but then the bell rang and announcements began. After the general daily stuff, they got to the part everyone was waiting for. 

You were on the edge of your seat. The disembodied voice began with the underclassmen’s court nominations, eventually working up to the senior king contestants.

“Alright, first up in the running for kings we have… Tuwaine Barrett!”

Tuwaine was a cool dude. He played basketball and was in theatre. You were happy to see him nominated.

“Next up we’ve got Harrison Osterfield!”

Ugh. I’d rather abdicate the throne than end up against him.

“And finally for the boys, Tom Holland!”

A small cheer went up in your classroom as people congratulated Tom and patted him on the back. You gave him a high five.

“And now for the ladies. First on the list is Zendaya Coleman!”

Ah Zendaya. You were never that close, but she was always nice when you’d had classes with her. She was way taller than you, a star player on the basketball and softball teams. Not to mention she was insanely gorgeous. This was already some stiff competition.

“Second, we have Daisy Ridley!”

And of course another likely contender. Daisy, who was planning on going to that evening’s Halloween party as a playboy bunny, was a cheerleader. She didn’t fit every aspect of the cheer stereotype, like the fact that she was actually really smart, but she definitely wasn’t the nicest person either.

“And finally, your last nominee for homecoming queen is… y/n y/l/n!”

It took a second to fully process that it was you they were talking about until there were people cheering you on like they’d done for Tom. He reciprocated the high five.

“What’d I tell you princess? Or shall I say queen.”

%

Tom was leaving football practice after the bell when a few of his buddies appeared next to him to walk across the parking lot.

They were talking when Tom saw you all loading the bus, and you sent each other a wave.

“Damn, y/n’s not gonna be at the party tonight? That’s rough, she always has the dopest costumes. ‘Least you will. What are you going as?” one guy, Jake, said.

“Did I not tell you? I’m going out of town. Won’t be there. I totally would’ve been Spider-Man though,” Tom explained.

“Wait you won’t be there tonight either?” another, Chris, asked. “You’re gonna miss out on some major exposure for homecoming votes.”

“Oh yeah, right. I’m pretty sure things are in the bag for me. I’ll just be gone tonight and tomorrow. Promised Sam I’d go to the volleyball thing with him.”

“Wait, wait, wait. You. Are going to the capital. Which is four hours away. At the same time as y/n. Am I hearing this right?” Jake asked as they finally reached their cars.

“Oh shut up, man. It’s not like that. Yeah we’ll be at the same place this weekend but whatever. We’re cool with each other now.”

“Cool? Is that code for ‘I want to make out every time I look at her?’” interjected Chris. He and Jake gave each other a look and laughed.

“Ugh, no. I’d kiss a salmon before I kissed y/n. I just meant we’ve come to an understanding and are somewhat friends now.”

They both looked at him funny.

“So you mean to tell me that there’s nothing going on between you two? Yeah right. We’ve all seen the way you look at her at games,” Jake said suggestively.

“What is up with you and everyone else at this school thinking there’s more to the story?! We are fake married for a school project and are nothing more than friends. You’re crazy to think otherwise.”

“Who are you planning on asking to the dance?” Chris asked, seemingly out of nowhere.

“What? What do you mean? I haven’t even thought about it.”

“I’m asking who you’ll take to homecoming. It’s y/n, isn’t it?”

“No. No, it’s not, because I haven’t asked anyone.”

“Would you go with her?” Chris continued, pressing in.

“I mean I guess so. If we’re voted king and queen then it’ll basically be an obligation.”

“And if you’re not?”

“Dude why are you asking all these questions! If she isn’t queen then I’ll go with whoever is. If I’m not king, I’ll just go solo and see what happens. Whatever, though, I need to get home. I’ll see you guys Monday,” Tom finished.

He walked off to his car, where his brothers were impatiently waiting.

%

A/N: Thanks for reading! Again, sorry for my inactivity but I’m hoping that writing will be a little easier as one of my classes was a half semester and I’ll now have a little more buffer room to write!

My asks and messages are always open!

Send a message or ask if you’d like to be added to my permanent or series taglists so I can verify you’ve been added!

Story tag list: @jackiehollanderr, @one-big-fangirl, @l0lmk, @primadonnasdream, @bookworm06, @thenoddingbunny-blog, @agentnataliahofferson, @spider-babe, @stxfxniexreads, @justafangirlduh,

[rowyn-writes]

Cinnamon and Sugar

Chapter One

Warnings: Small mentions of depression, language, mentions of sex.

Characters: Jo Harvelle, Dean Winchester, Chuck, Jack Kline

Pairings: Dean Winchester x Reader

Word count: 2k

You groaned as you flailed your hand around, trying to silence your annoying ass alarm clock. It was 4:30 in the morning, and to say you weren’t a morning person was an understatement.

You didn’t understand why you had to get up so early in the morning when the shop didn’t open until seven, but that was Chuck for you, always trying to ruin your peace. You didn’t mind your boss; when he stayed out of the way, that is.

You quickly got dressed, fed and watered you cat, giving him some belly rubs, before heading out the door. You didn’t live that far away from the shop, only a five minute drive, but you decided to walk there pretty much every morning. It was good exercise.

You jiggled the key in the lock before swinging the doors open. The smell of old books comforted you. It was always one of your favorite things. If you could bottle the smell and make a candle, then your life would be complete.

You began to set up for the day, grinding coffee beans, getting the display case ready, wiping down counters, the works. You knew the store didn’t get it’s rush hour until at least nine o’clock, so you had plenty of time to yourself. You connected your phone to the speakers in the store and began to play some of your favorite songs.

If you were being honest, you loved having the place to yourself. While you loved social interactions and talking to people, there was something about the tranquil environment of a coffee shop that just made you feel content.

You knew it was going to be busier than usual, since it was a Monday and everyone needed their morning coffee before going to work. Once you were finished setting up, you got out your backpack and began working on your homework. You were currently attending the University of Kansas, trying to get your Masters degree in chemistry.

You would have gone to a more prestigious if you could have afforded it. But UK was the best you were going to get. Plus, it wasn’t all that bad, as you had made some new friends there. Your best friend, Jo Harvelle, you had know since you were ten years old. She worked along side you in the coffee shop, and she should have been here ten minutes ago.

“Jesus Jo.” You muttered under your breath, looking at your phone. “Why is she always so damn late.” You went ahead and clocked in for her, because if Chuck saw that she was half an hour late, he was going to fire her. Again.

“I’m here! I’m here!” She exclaimed, rushing through the doors. “Sorry I’m late. I overslept.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just put on your apron and get to work. These coffee’s aren’t going to make themselves."

Jo gave you a mock salute and got to work. Like you thought, the line was pretty long. You and Jo rushed to get out orders and clean up as you went. Around 12, it finally died down.

"Thank god it won't be that busy tomorrow. Tuesday's one of our slower days." Jo huffed as she leaned against the counter.

"Okay, you never told me. . . Why in the hell were you so late today?!" You cuffed Jo, who glared at you.

"Well, if you must know, Y/n, I was having a sleepover." She winked.

"With who this time?" You rolled your eyes.

"I don't actually remember." She admitted. "But he was hot." You snorted at her comment. Since there was hardly anyone there, you decided to sit down on one of the plush arm chairs and start your homework. You had midterms in two weeks, and you were stressing majorly.

"Jeez, Y/n. You're no fun." Jo complained.

"I'll be more fun once midterms are over. Until then, you get Grumpy Y/n." You flipped to the next page of your textbook.

A bell sounded through the store, signaling that someone had just entered. "Oh my god." Jo whispered.

"What?" You asked, furrowing your eyebrows.

"That's the hot guy I slept with last night. And I kinda just left without telling him this morning." You felt your jaw drop. 

“You’re kidding!” You hissed. “Jo, you told him where you work?”

“No!” She defended herself. “No, I didn’t. Look, he’s nice and all, but I really don’t wanna talk to him. I kinda just wanted last night to be a one time thing and never see him again.”

“Fine. Go into the back and start cleaning up while I take his order.” Jo threw you a grateful look as she quickly fled into the kitchen.

You stood up and made your way over to the counter, and boy, was Jo right. The man was very handsome. The first thing you noticed was his emerald green eyes. It was one of his most beautiful features. Although he was gorgeous all around.

“Hi! Welcome to Chuck’s, what can I get for you today?” You gave him a friendly smile.

“Uh, just a large Americano, please.”

You narrowed your eyes at him slightly. “Let me guess, you’re used to crappy diner coffee, right?”

The man chuckled, scratching the side of his face. “Yeah. How’d you guess?”

“You seemed kind of hesitant in ordering, plus, Americano’s are disgusting.” You scrunched up your nose.

“Alright, what do you suggest then?”

“Hmm. . .” You looked the man up and down, trying to see what type of coffee would best suit him. “An Irish coffee. You seem like the type to drink whiskey, am I right?”

“Yeah.” He seemed skeptical. 

“Alright. One large Irish coffee, coming right up. What’s the name for that?”

“Dean.” You nodded as you wrote down his name on the cup. As you were brewing the coffee, you heard a loud crash coming from the kitchen. You quickly set aside what you were doing and ran to the back. 

“Jo?” You called. Your best friend looked at you sheepishly as there were scattered cups on the floor. “Jesus Christ woman, you almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Is everything okay back here?” Dean asked, rushing into see the two women. “I heard a crash and wanted to make sure everything was okay.”  His eyes widened in surprised as he looked at Jo. “Jo, hey.” He cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Oh, hey, uh-” Jo stumbled.

“Dean.” You whispered.

“Dean. Right, I knew that.”

“No, you didn’t.” Jo glared at you as she hit the back of your head.

“I’m just gonna go and wait for my coffee.” As soon as he was out of ear shot, you bursted out laughing. 

“Oh shut up!” 

You continued laughing as you went back to the counter. “I’m sorry for laughing.” You apologized in between breaths. “It’s just. . . Jo’s my best friend and she always looks for a chance to embarrass me, so whenever I get the chance to embarrass her, I take it.”

Dean cracked a smile. “Yeah, I’m like that with my brother.”

“I have a brother too.” You said, continuing to brew Dean’s coffee. “He’s five years older than me. Treats me like I’m a child.”

“It’s an older brother thing.” He grinned, leaning on the counter. “I act like I know more than him just because I’m older. It’s a complex.”

“Alright, here’s your Irish coffee.” You smiled, handing him the drink.

He took a small sip of the coffee, fully prepared to be hit with bitterness. He was pleasantly surprised to find that he liked the taste. It wasn’t too bitter or sweet, and the Irish Whiskey was a great bonus. “Wow, this is great.”

“Thanks, I’ve been trying out some new blends. I hope to convince my boss to add some new stuff to the board. But he’s a pain in my ass.” Dean chuckled.

“Well, I’ll definitely be back. This is much better than that crappy diner coffee.” Once Dean was gone, you called out to Jo, telling her that it was safe to come out.

“Well, that was awkward.” As Jo went to hit you again, you grabbed her wrist. “I love you, but I swear, the next time you hit me, I’ll hit you back.” Jo held her hands up in surrender, knowing full well that you would keep your promise.

Around three o’clock, you clocked out, finally going home for the day. You were exhausted and just wanted to get home to your cat, Storm. The days were getting shorter and the nights were getting cooler. It was becoming fall, the leaves were changing to a beautiful orange-red color, and every store you went inside smelled like pine cones. 

You unlocked the door to your apartment, setting down your keys and bag on the small table by the door. You clicked your tongue, calling out to your cat. He came instantly, wrapping his body around your ankle. “Hey, Storm. Did you have a good day?” Storm purred loudly as he continued to weave back and forth in between your legs.

You refilled Storms food bowl before going to sit down on the couch. You will still crunching for midterms, and it was awful, to say the least. You were hardly retaining anything that you were reading. Nothing seemed to be sticking.

You sighed as you threw your textbook aside. Instead of studying like you should have been, you decided to call your friend, Jack. You, Jack and Jo had been friends since you were kids, all going to the same elementary school. Granted, your parents had forced you to spend time together, but you grew to be close friends.

“Hey, Y/n!” Jack’s face popped up on the screen. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” You smiled. “I feel like we haven’t talked in ages. Ever since you decided to go to college in North Carolina. Duke sucks, by the way.”

Jack laughed, his honey blond hair falling in his eyes. “Duke does not suck, I’ll have you know. It’s one of the most prestigious schools in the south.”

“Oh yeah, because the south is soooo great.” You teased.

“It is great, Y/n. Once you get past the bipolar weather, it’s nice. The food and drinks are amazing too.”

“Well, you better be getting your ass over here for Christmas. I haven’t seen you in months. Jo and I miss you a lot.”

“Speaking of Jo, how’s she doing? Does she still arrive ‘fashionably late’ to everything?”

“Duh.” You snorted. “Have you met Joanna Beth Harvelle?”

“Sadly.” He muttered. 

“Don’t act like you don’t love her. She may be an annoying bitch, but she’s our annoying bitch.” You both laughed, genuine smiles on your faces. It had been so long since you actually smiled. For months now, it felt like you had been drowning in the ocean, trying to break the surface, but never quite reaching it. You could hear other people around you talking, laughing, out living your life while you just stayed stuck.

You had so desperately wanted your senior year of college to be normal, to return to normal, at least. You wanted to enjoy everything that the last year of college had to offer. You wanted to get wasted at parties, hook up with hot guys, or girls, you didn’t really care. You just wanted to be happy, but things were so much more complicated than that.

“Okay, I really hate to leave so soon, but I have a date tonight.” Jack seemed proud of himself. He was awkward when it came to the female species, aside from you and Jo, he never really talked to other girls. He could never seem to say the right things to them, and it always turned out weird.

You pouted, sticking out your lip. “Aww, okay. Well, as soon as it’s over, call me. I want to know how it went.”

“Will do. Bye, Y/n. Love you.”

“Love you too.” And just like that, you were left alone with your thoughts again.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Tag List:

@akshi8278​ @laycblack  @lovememisha

If anyone else would liked to be tagged when the next chapter comes out, let me know!

[clumsyclifford]

hi! idk if you're still doing the prompts but if you are #47? whatever pairing you're vibing with atm 😊 -🦥

HELLO! first of all, the pairing bot gave me malum after it gave me cashton twice but i didn’t feel like doing this for cashton so i wrote it malum, hope that’s cool. ALSO. one day i am going to write a real proper epistolary fic, mark my words, but for now this is all i have to offer you. i know it’s rather different from like. a Normal fic. but i had fun writing it so :)

read on ao3

-

Dear Calum,

My mum suggested I write you a letter because of the whole data thing in Brazil. I don’t know what that really means but apparently calling would be extremely expensive so I’m doing this now. Maybe it’s weird. Don’t really care. Deal with it.

So how is Brazil? I don’t know the time difference. Wait, I can look it up. Google says 13 hours. That means you’re a day behind me half the time. I’m in your future! It doesn’t look good for you, Cal. Future is pretty grim. If I were you I would stay in the past. Although by the time you get this it will be way in the future for both of us…oops. Oh well. I tried.

Anyway. What was I saying. Brazil? How is it? Hot, I bet. Probably playing loads of football. Luke and I have been playing FIFA but it’s so not the same. He sucks at it and he doesn’t even cheat because he’s boring I guess or has “morals” or whatever (his words not mine). I miss playing FIFA with you. Always beating Luke is not fun. Okay it’s a little fun. But I still miss you. As soon as you’re back you’re reclaiming the player 2 controller. Did I mention that I miss you? You probably get it.

What can I update you about here? There’s not a lot to say. Nothing has really happened. At least not in my life. Oh! I can tell you a secret but don’t tell Luke I told you because he will definitely kill me. Not that you have any way to reach Luke. Don’t go behind my back and write a letter to Luke telling him I told you this. Anyway: Luke fancies Ashton! I totally got him to admit it during one of the FIFA games I mentioned. It was almost cute if I’m honest. He turned really red and got all blushy and stammery. I am now wondering if I should meddle or not. On the one hand, Ashton must like him back, right? Have you seen the two of them? I don’t want to deal with intra-band sexual tension. Unless it’s ours. We’ve already claimed the “insufferable band boyfriends” role though, so do we really want this to happen? I don’t really know what I’m arguing anymore. I don’t think I’ll do anything for now. Will keep you updated in case anything dramatic happens. Then again I have no idea how long it’ll be before you receive this. Something very dramatic might happen while this is in the post. Let me ask my mum. Okay she says it could be two weeks. That’s fucking long. You might just have to come back and get the Luke/Ashton updates in real time.

Besides from that there isn’t much to report. Everything is the same. Except I’m a lot lonelier now. This is what you’ve done to me Calum. I’m returning to my natural introvert state. I need you here, Cal!! Otherwise I’ll just have to become a turtle and by the time you’re back it might be too late. 

I’m joking by the way. I hope you’re having a good time at football camp. Making new friends and learning Brazilian(?) Portuguese and kicking everyone’s arse and showing them up. I’m sure you are. I just miss you lots. :( Counting down the days!

Sending you lots of kisses and cuddles through the post,

Mikey

~

Dear Michael,

I don’t care either! I think writing letters is cool. We’re like lovers at war. Except neither of us are going to die. Probably. (Some of these footballers are CRAZY good. You never know!)

Actually, Brazil is pretty nice. It’s winter so the days have actually been not too hot, thankfully. It’s exhausting enough playing as it is. If it got any hotter, I might actually pass out. Forever. They’d have to ship me home in a body bag. (Are those only for dead people? Maybe not a body bag.)

It’s been almost two weeks since you sent your letter (I assume you sent it soon after I left?) which means there’s a good chance this one won’t get to you until I do, but in case it does I’m going to write and post it anyway. I hope by now you’re getting on better with Luke. If I’ve said it once or a million times, you guys have a lot in common and I really think you could be best friends if you weren’t both such stubborn shitheads. Which I say in the nicest way possible!

Of course Luke fancies Ashton, he’s liked Ashton since…honestly I don’t know when. Months and months at least. And Ashton clearly likes him back. I’ve never seen two people less capable of hiding their feelings. I’m surprised you didn’t notice before. Please tell me you decided to meddle in the end. You’re right, we can’t handle more sexual tension in the band. Don’t worry, they can’t possibly be more insufferable than we are. We are the most annoying boyfriends on the planet. We’re writing each other letters. Basically, it’s best for everyone involved if they get over themselves. Suck it up and kiss already! My friend Gustavo agrees with me. Also he says hi. (Well he says “oi” but I translated for you. See, I can do stuff like that. Kinda cool, right?)

I miss you too, you know. Very much. This might sound weird, but I keep having dreams about you? Like…I’ll be dreaming about whatever (usually football these days) and then you’ll just be there. Clearly my subconscious also knows I miss you. You know Ashton says that when you dream about someone, it’s because they’re thinking about you, so I hope that’s true. It’s kind of a cute idea. I hope you’re thinking about me. I’m thinking about you. Obviously. A lot. A lot.

There is one thing I want to tell you, though. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this, and the more I think about it the crazier it feels, but also more right. So…I think I’m gonna do the band. Not football. This is cool and all, but everyone here is so scary good, and…I don’t know. Maybe this is stupid but I don’t like the idea of a future without you when I could have a future with you. Like with the band, I mean. And I know it’s not the most practical dream, but imagine how cool it would be if it actually worked out. You know I like a challenge. So, anyway…that’s kind of where I’m at now. I’m going to keep thinking about it for the last two weeks here, but I don’t think I’ll change my mind. Don’t tell anyone, please. I just wanted to tell you as soon as I knew. My parents are going to be soooo mad. Not excited to tell them, but this feels like the right decision.

Anyway…this got weirdly deep. Sorry. Here’s something super not-deep to make up for it: one of the football coaches here has a dog whose name in English is pasta! PASTA! (It might be apple. Apparently they’re the same word just spelled differently and the Brazilians here can clearly tell the difference. I cannot. But I think it’s way funnier if the dog’s name is pasta so I’m going with that. Not that apple is much better? Imagine seeing any dog at all and thinking, “You know what this dog’s name should be? A common food item.” LOL.)

This letter is so long and I’m running out of space on the page and I also really need to go to sleep! The boys are telling me to turn off the lights. I miss you so much. Football camp is fun, but I can’t wait to be back. Counting down the days!

Thank you for the cuddles and kisses I am sending them right back to you,

Cal

~

“Oh my God,” Michael mumbles into Calum’s shoulder, “you smell.”

Calum laughs, but he doesn’t loosen his grip on Michael. “Seriously? I haven’t seen you in a whole month and that’s the first thing you say?”

“Ugh, I missed you so much, but that’s boring to say, you already knew it,” Michael says, drawing back to kiss Calum for a second. Then he buries his face in Calum’s neck. “Seriously, I’m not joking, if you ever leave me alone for that long again, I will die.”

“You had Luke. And Ashton.”

Michael groans loudly and overdramatically. “Ashton is busy with family stuff all the time and don’t you dare compare yourself to Luke.”

“We’re going to talk about this,” Calum says. “You’re going to be friends with him if it kills me.”

“Then prepare to die,” Michael says. Calum laughs, pressing a kiss to the slope of Michael’s neck. “I tried, okay? I promise I did. I said in my letter we were playing FIFA! Did you get my letter? I didn’t know how to check if it ever actually arrived.”

“I got it,” Calum says, stomach lurching with nerves. Ignoring them for the moment, he squeezes Michael and then steps back to give him a full once-over. “I loved it. It made me laugh. God, I really missed you, you know?”

“Join the fucking club,” Michael says, smiling. He’s been smiling this whole time, Calum realises; he’s just good at sounding like he’s whining even when he’s smiling. That’s probably the most Michael thing Michael can do.

“Alright, boys,” Mali says from a ways away. “Come on. Let’s go. And seriously, Calum? You hug Michael but not me?”

Calum throws his arms around Mali, and Mali wraps him in a hug. “Missed you,” Calum says sweetly in her ear. “Thank you for coming to get me. And for bringing Michael.”

“You’re welcome,” Mali says drily. They separate and Mali just gives him a small smile. “And I missed you too, you punk. Come on, you both. Baggage claim awaits.”

Mali takes off and Calum lingers behind until he can throw an arm over Michael’s shoulder. Michael leans heavily into him. It’s been so long since the last time Calum had Michael in his arms, but it’s so immediately familiar that it almost knocks Calum off his feet. 

“So…” Calum bites his lip. “Did you get my letter? I sent it just after yours arrived, but I don’t know if it got here before me.”

Michael shakes his head. “Nope, nothing.” Something in his voice tells Calum he’s making no mistake. He’d probably checked the mail every day, just to see. There’s a pang in Calum’s chest, all mixed up with the anxiety flitting out to his fingertips from inside his rib cage. 

“Oh,” Calum says. “Well, there was something in there that I wanted to tell you, but I guess I’ll just tell you now. Um.” He drops his voice to a half-whisper, clears his throat. “I don’t want to tell Mali or anyone yet, but…I decided I’m not going to do football.”

Michael jerks. “What?”

“I want to be in the band,” Calum says quietly. His heart is racing, but at least it’s racing towards the finish line instead of away. This is the right decision. He’s…ninety-five percent sure. That’s enough to know. It has to be enough to know. “I just, you know, football is fun, but music is more fun. To me. And anyway, um.” He rubs the back of his neck. “If I have a choice between a career that has you in it or one that doesn’t, I choose you. Obviously.”

“You’re gonna be in the band?” Michael repeats lowly, looking over at Calum like he’s seeing something he’s never seen before. “Seriously? You’d give up football?”

Calum shrugs, nods. “Yeah. I know my parents are going to kill me, but I don’t care. This is what I want.”

Michael stares at him. “I love you,” he says, and then kisses Calum too fiercely to give Calum adequate time to process that. 

By the time they break apart, he’s processed it. And as he inhales to catch his breath, licking his lips, he knows with one-hundred-percent certainty that this is the right choice.

“I love you too,” Calum says, like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Where Michael is concerned, it usually is.

[vanchlo]

The Assistant / Chapter Twenty Eight, “Unanswered Questions”

Find all chapters to this story HERE! c: 

Check out the inspiration tag for this story here! :*

Song Inspo: I’d Rather Be With You by Joshua Radin (click to listen) 

                                    SNEAKY PEEK TIMEEEEE

With a jealous sigh, I lock my phone and lose myself in my boring cup of tea. Again. Wondering when the puzzle pieces of my life will fall together, like it seems so many others have.

The people on Instagram.

Even Harry’s, I think as I steal a peek at him.

Swallowing, I suddenly think of the puzzle piece I want to find most of all. And that perhaps it’s not that I haven’t found it yet, it’s because it doesn’t fit, I realize as my eyes study him. Hands in hair. Chunky rings on his fingers. A pastel suit on. And a contagious smile on his face. All of this ignites another swarm of butterflies within my tummy.

If only he fit into the puzzle that’s my life.

“Sometimes it hurts more to hope, and it hurts more to care. But you have to promise me that you won’t stop caring.” 

- Katara, Avatar the Last Airbender

“What’s got your panties in a twist?” 

“Nothing,” I tell Skye, quickly toeing my shoes off on the rug. My rumbling tummy guides me over to the cabinets, and then the fridge. 

“Then stop slamming doors if you’re apparently not mad,” she retorts with a huff. 

The microwave beeps at me angrily, and I slam that door, too. There’s just this indescribable comfort from slamming things when you’re mad. 

I plop down onto the other side of the sofa Skye sits on, flipping through the channels on tv. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be like doing people’s hair right now?” I say in between spoonfuls of tomato soup. 

“Aren’t you supposed to like, be at school still, or in Madley?” she replies with the same disdainful tone I just used. 

Well played, Skye, well played. 

“I didn’t want to be there any longer. And I’m going up there tomorrow when dad has his next chemo.”

“Mmmmm,” she replies, not being able to pick something to watch. “Business was slow today so they told me to go home,” Skye groans. Her lips in a glittery blue lipstick press together in annoyance, and embarrassment. 

“It seems like we’re both having a shitty day.”

She nods at me, but doesn’t reply at first. “And why was yours so shit, huh?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mutter under my breath. 

Pulling out my phone, I type in my passcode. Next, I open the app and find the profile I was looking for. One I’ve been trying to stay away from, but now I need it to answer the questions filling my head. Swiping up, my eyes search for a picture to tell me all that I want to know. But as I drink my soup, I find myself looking at artistic shots. Before long, I’m looking at pictures from 5 years ago. 

“Why’re you looking at Harry’s Instagram?” Skye asks, scooching over to sit by me. I don’t answer her, and when I dare to look up she gives me the evil eye. 

Sighing, I realize I have to tell her. And that maybe it will be good to tell somebody. “He was the guest speaker for my class today,” I admit quietly. Bringing the ceramic bowl to my lips, I down the rest of my soup. The awkward silence is soon filled with my slurps. 

“Excuse me. Did I hear you right? Harry spoke to your class today?!” she asks in near disbelief. 

Nodding, I sit forward to set the bowl on the table. Hitting the back of the sofa with a groan, I look back at my phone. 

“And you’re mad becauseeeeeeeee why?”

“Because he had a ring on his finger,” I reply in a small voice, flicking my thumb across the screen. 

“So? Everybody wears rings, Ree,” Skye insists. But my eyes pan over to hers, and I don’t hide anything in them. The realization unfolds on her face, and her features fall. “Oh, Ree. I’m sorry . . . But you can’t know if it’s a wedding ring or not.”

“I know, that’s why I’m trying to look on his insta. But I don’t see anything about a wedding or a new girlfriend,” I respond, starting at the beginning again. 

“So, that’s a good sign then. Anybody would post about getting married,” she says reassuringly. But her words don’t stitch up the hole I feel inside of me. One that grew even more just today when I saw that ring. 

“I don’t know,” I breathe out with uncertainty. 

“Is that all, Ree?” Skye coos softly. I drop my phone on my chest and close my eyes. Her fingers start to comb through my shoulder-length hair that she cut the other day in our kitchen. 

“His hair is short, and he looked so good, Skye. Fuck, he looked amazing. He was in this gray suit, and he had stubble. It was sooo attractive on him. And he was so charming with that dimply smile. Everybody ate it up, even me,” I confess, feeling the emotions weigh in my words. 

“Yeah well, even I think he’s hot. It’s pretty hard not to have a crush on him,” she agrees. I open my eyes and turn to look into hers. She flashes me a small smile as her fingers continue to play with my hair. 

“Did he recognize you?” 

“Yeah, about three minutes into his talk. And he smiled and it messed him up. Made him lose his train of thought,” I say with a proud smile tickling at my lips. She nods smiling, and says ‘go, Ree!’ “I think he wanted me to ask him a question when it came to that part, because I saw him look at me a few times.”

“And why didn’t you ask him a question?”

“There was nothing I wanted to ask since I know a lot about his career. I didn’t want to take away from the learning of the other students.”

“You’re too fucking nice,” she laughs, pulling one from my lips as well. Skye shakes her head, sending her now neon pink locks into a dance. “Soooo, did he say hi to you afterward?!” 

“No, and I didn’t know whether to say hi to him,” I admit sadly, my eyes falling to my lap. Picking at a hole in the knee of my jeans, I avoid her gaze. She has enough theoretical balls for the two of us, and is always telling me to just do it. But I never can. “I was debating to say hi when I saw the ring. And about 5 girls were already up there talking to him after class ended. I’m sure they were all flirting up a storm with him.”

“So? That’s when you walk up to him. He forgets about them. You bask in their jealousy and awe as he gives you his undivided attention,” she explains theatrically as if it were clear as day. 

“Sureeee, because that would so happen. I don’t know why you’ve always thought the feelings were mutual between us.” “Even though I only met him once when he came over, that’s all I needed to tell that he fancied you too, Ree,” she quips, wiggling her eyebrows at me. “His eyes were all over you and you could tell how much he enjoyed being with you. Even if you whooped his ass at that card game Nerts that night.”

“Yeah well, it doesn’t really matter anyway. Because apparently he’s married or engaged, or something,” I tell her in a low voice. 

“Maybe you could’ve asked him if you’d gone up to say hi to him,” she insists emphatically. God, I wish she knew when to stop. But she somehow says all of the things I'm secretly thinking. “That’s probably why you came home so early, isn’t it? So there wouldn’t be any chance that you could run into him in the halls, or at the little Starbucks they have? Am I right, or am I right?”

“You’re right, like always,” I admit through gritted teeth. I avoid her eyes, and instead pick at the pink nail polish I’m wearing. 

“I’m sorry, but when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, Ree. Which translates into making a move with the bloke you’re pining over. Now, watch FRIENDS with me and cheer up,” Skye finishes, quickly pecking my cheek. I dramatically gag and feel her shove my shoulder. 

I briefly laugh before laying down with my head in her lap. 

“What are you doing?” she demands. 

“Play with my fucking hair. That’s what you get for being mean to me when I’m sad,” I whine, using my puppy dog voice. 

“Fineeeee,” she relents. Joey and Chandler’s faces appear on the tv screen. Not long after, I feel her fingers tickling my scalp. “Ya know, Ree, I’m pretty sure you’d have a good chance of walking into his office and pulling down his pants to suck his cock. I’m sure he’d let you.”

“Jesus Christ, Skye! Stop it! I can’t believe you’re thinking about that!” I almost shout, feeling her belly shake with laughter. 

“I’m just saying that you know, you could go to his work and ask him out. Or text him to get a coffee, or to get curry together. It’s not as hard as you make it.”

“I’m not getting started again on the rant about how he was a dick-,” I try to say, but Skye is just not having it with the excuses today. 

“And how he didn’t believe you when it came to Amber who beat you up. I know, Ree, and it was a nightmare, but it’s been a year almost! I doubt he’s married or betrothed to some random chick already. That’s the kinda thing you put on your insta, and it looks like he still uses that account. Plus, people change and it says something that you’re still crushing on him after all this time. And I’m just saying, but it looks like he still cares about you too,” Skye finishes for me, combing through my tangles. “You know I’m right.”

“Yeah, I know. But I still don’t like it.” 

“Maybe you’d like it if you tried to change it,” she continues with her speech. I roll my eyes and try to immerse myself in the scene in front of me. Chandler and Joey playing with their pet duck and chick in their shared apartment. “Just shut up and play with my hair.”

But no matter how hard I try to push her words away, they worm their way into my head. And they stay there, repeating themselves until they’re heard. 

And they won’t shut up, not yet. 

+

I shiver as the cold raindrops still run down my skin. Cursing, I round a corner and try to remember my way around this place. Checking my watch, I curse again when I find I have a few minutes left to find the lecture hall. The fucking rain ruined everything today. My hair. The traffic. My timing. But I can’t let it ruin the speech I’m about to give. No, that wouldn’t be fair to them. 

Soon, I find the number on the familiar door. I walk into a large room humming with voices. Walking straight to the front, I find the man I’m looking for. He turns around with a smile budding on his lips. 

“Glad you could make it, Harry. Thanks for coming in this lousy weather,” Professor Alcott says, gripping my hand firmly in his. 

“‘Course, Rich, I wouldn’t miss it. I’m sorry if ‘m late, tha traffic was horrendous. Big accident up on tha motorway an’ everythin’,” I reply, shaking my head. I feel the raindrops collect at the tips of some hair.  

“That’s a shame. I hope the lot are alright,” he tsks, shaking his head of graying hair. I echo his words. “Well, I’m sure the students will enjoy your talk today. I hope we won’t have as many sleepers as last week’s.” 

I laugh along with him before following him to the front of the room. A blonde fellow rounds the corner and rushes up the stairs, door banging behind him. I only catch a glimpse of him as Richard gets the attention of his quieting class. But I can’t help thinking the bloke reminds me of the main character from the Kingsman movies I’d just seen. 

After draping my coat over a table his computer sits at, I turn my attention back to the class. I smile at Rich when he introduces me, followed by their welcoming applause bringing warmth to my cheeks. 

It’s never not exciting doing these things. 

I smile back at the 50ish young faces looking up at me. They cover a wide age range from parents, some older than me, and to those straight out of high school. Nonetheless, their eager faces bring forth a feeling of hope and excitement I can’t name. 

These talks never fail to have that effect on me. 

I jump into my usual spiel, starting off with a little about who I am. Mentioning Myles, and then telling them how I came to be a lawyer. I start to talk about cases of mine, from favourites, to nightmares, to success stories, and also failures. I’m just about to speak about my time in university and try to give them advice, having known what they’re going through. 

Not long after I started, I’m in the middle of a sentence about starting the firm with Myles. I look up from a woman in the front row and to another place in the room. My eyes dance upwards, trying to include everybody. And then I see her. 

Becks. 

My Becks. 

My heart flutters in my chest as I lose my breath. It’s as if my heart is reacting to seeing her too after all this time. 

Flushed with excitement, I watch her look up from her paper. And to me. Her hair is shorter, and it’s the first time I’ve ever seen her lovely face without makeup. She’s more beautiful than I thought I remembered. A smile grows on my lips by accident, and I see one inching up her face, as well. 

Looking away fast, I remember that my eyes deceive me. And she’s not the only person in this room. “I’m sorry, what was I sayin’?” I ask with a laugh, searching the eyes of students in the first few rows. I thank an eager volunteer and continue with my story.

But it’s hard with the emotions bubbling inside of me at the sight of her. Becks is here. Thoughts run rampant inside of my head, along with questions. But I can’t entertain them right now, I remind myself. With an attempt to shut off my brain, I return my focus to my story. But the thought of her sits at the back of my mind. My emotions and thoughts doing backflips at the back of it. All as she sits up there towards the back of the room, watching me and listening. 

Suddenly, I feel even more pressure to impress. 

I had a little speech-bubble waiting inside of my head, waiting until the end to say hi to her. But the second that Alcott says his last words to the class, I’m swarmed with blushing girls standing in front of me asking more questions. Smiling, I oblige and answer them to the best of my distracted ability. Twirling a ring on my left hand, I try to assert my attention to the girl currently talking. But it’s difficult. 

I find my eyes lifting from her elated face and to the crowd of students shuffling out of the lecture hall. I think I spot her head of dark hair next to that of the Kingsman fellow, and a shock of red hair. Friends of hers, they must be. I try to balance my attention between the full force nagging inside of my head to look for her, and the students in front of me. The next time I look I see her getting closer, but then I briefly forget about her when a male student asks an interesting question. 

Wrapping up my answer, he thanks me. I shake his hand and say goodbye. My eyes trail in the direction of the door when I hear her name. Somebody else is saying it. I don’t see her shock of chocolate hair until I watch Kingsman wrap an arm around her shoulder. The flirtatious words of another girl melt into a muffle as I watch her walk away to the door. 

Becks with another guy. Words of getting coffee pass between them. 

Something happens inside of me and I feel everything shut off for a nanosecond, or ten. It only lasts longer as I witness her lean into his shoulder and leave through the ajar door. 

“I think that’ll be all for Mr. Styles today. He put on a great little show for us indeed, but he probably has to get back to work here soon,” I finally hear Rich say from behind me. But it only registers with me when I feel him pat my arm. 

I blink and turn my head back around, feeling everything hit me hard. The sounds. Remembering that people are standing there, looking at me expectantly. 

“Yeah yeah. I’m sorry, e’rybody. But thank you, an’ thank you, Rich. I um was gonna grab a coffee ‘fore I go. Where’s that cafe ‘gain?” I ask him quickly, listening intently to his directions. 

I swerve around clumps of university students mingling in the halls or walking to their next class. But all I can think about is finding her in the crowd. Of course, I don’t, because there are too many people. And too many heads of hair that look like hers. Taking a left and then a right as Rich said, I rush down a hall. At the end of it is the little Starbucks that I could smell from around the corner. And then once again, I find what I’m looking for. 

But not quite. 

I can't get my feet to move another inch. Because his arm is still around her and she’s laughing at something he said. Staring into his eyes like he painted the stars in the sky. I thought once she looked at me like that, but as I watch them, all of my confidence of that melts away. He hugs her quickly, tickling her side in the progress. And I hear her melodic laugh without a phone in between us for the first time in ages. What’s felt like forever. Something stings deep inside of me watching another man being rewarded with it. 

And it’s not me. 

Not anymore, not for what’s been a long time. 

Huffing, I find my fingers tangled in my hair. They fall as my eyes study her with what tastes like bittersweetness. She looks so cozy in a jumper and jeans. Hair wavy and tucked behind her ears. A dimple falling into her one cheek and a smile in her eyes. Her crystal blues that scream of hidden sadness. She’s even more beautiful up close, and my goodness, how she’s changed. 

I turn around and find my feet pulling me away from her. Because maybe she isn’t my Becks anymore. No, she’s his now. Because I lost her. 

Biting my lip, I round a corner and almost run into somebody. 

“Heeeey. I was looking for you, you left your coat in the lecture hall,” Rich says, holding it out for me to take. “You alright, son?”

“Y-yeah, I jus’ uh thought I saw an old friend. But I guess not.”

“Oh well, that’s a letdown.”

“Yeah, ya can say that,” I reply softly, pulling on my coat one sleeve at a time. 

I listen to Rich’s praises of my speech as I follow him down the hall. Buttoning my coat to busy myself with something. 

“I had a question fer you,” I begin and he encourages me to continue. “I used t’ have an employee by tha name o’ Rebecca Holte at tha firm. I see she’s in yer class I jus’ spoke t’.”

“Oh, Becky? She worked for you? My, that doesn’t surprise me at all. She knows quite a bit about law and it shows in her work. She’s already been in the program, having dropped out a few years prior. But she’s doing really great. One of my best students. I know she’ll make a fantastic lawyer,” he says, shuffling along in his gray coat. Briefcase and thermos in hand.

“Yeah, I do too . . . I didn’ know she enrolled ‘gain in tha program,” I say, choosing my words carefully. The feelings of delayed elation and surprise coming with those words peek at the edge of my sadness. Even though I’m not sure how to phrase them with the chaotic state of my mind at the moment. 

“She started back again this Fall. Has about 30 credits left to go, I reckon. She’s plugging right along, even with her dad’s diagnosis.”

“Yeah, I heard ‘bout that from a coworker. ‘s a right shame. How’s she handlin’ it?” I question, looking up from the tiled floor to meet his eyes framed by graying brows. 

“Oh just fine. Her work is still just as strong. She’s always a light in our discussions, contributing her experience to the topic. I only see her twice a week and we don’t talk very much, what with having 54 students in her cohort. But I think she’s managing. She’s only needed a few extensions since her father started chemotherapy in September, but I couldn’t ask for a better student. Never skips a lecture. Participates. She communicates with me when she needs help. And she’s had a good effect on the class, and has already made some friends in the cohort. She’s going to need those with the tougher classes coming up, and with her dad’s diagnosis,” he informs me. I nod along with his words, savoring them as they’re about her. I itch to ask him about the fellow with his arm around her, but I resist, knowing it wouldn’t be appropriate. 

“Maybe she’ll come back to work for you after the Bar. Circle of Life, eh?” Rich laughs, bumping shoulders with me. I thank him, nodding along with his joke.

We say goodbyes before parting ways. I step back into the chilling rain and he walks into another classroom of students. For shits and giggles, I scan the hallway before leaving. I don’t see her, even though I knew I wouldn’t. 

Pulling up the collar of my coat, I hurry fast through the growing puddles and soggy leaves. Shivering, I hide my hands away in my pockets. I shake my head and take them back out. Removing a ring from my left hand, I slide it onto a different finger with relief. That feels better, I think inwardly before my hands are welcomed by the dryness of my pockets once again. 

Shuffling through the cold rain, I put another step and another between her and me. “Fook,” I mutter aloud when a thought appears in my head. 

I wonder when the next time is that I’ll see her, if ever, it says with a sting. 

+

“Bloody hell, it’s coming down out there,” a voice says, pulling me from my thoughts. Looking up, I find Asher walking towards me. 

Getting up from my chair, I walk over and hug him. 

“I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long,” he comments, sliding off his brown jacket.

“No, I only got here a few minutes ago. That snow is no joke.”

“No kidding,” he agrees, taking a seat across the small table from me. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been uh, fine. I’m sorry I’m so bad at replying to texts, things have been crazy.”

“That’s okay, I understand. How has chemo been going for your dad?” Asher asks, trying to tame his crazy hat hair. 

“I guess as good as you can expect it to, with all of the vomiting and other shit it brings. I bought him a bunch of thick shirts and jumpers the other day. He’s even colder without his hair and all the weight he’s lost,” I reply glumly, flipping through the pages of my menu. 

“I’m really sorry, Becky-.”

“I know, it’s okay. Thanks,” I stop him, patting his hand. Something unspoken passes between us. He nods with a small smile. “I’m sorry, it’s just that this is a nice little escape from everything going on. I don’t mean to be rude, but I kinda wanna keep it that way.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize,” Asher says after drinking from his glass of water. A smile curls his lips upward and a little laugh joins us. I ask him ‘what’ and watch a blush color his cheeks. “It’s actually kind of a relief, because I’m always bad at talking about that stuff. I never know the right thing to say, and then I just feel bad the whole time because of it.”

“Thanks for telling me that, and you always do a good job, so shut up,” I tell him, squeezing his hand before we fall into another laugh together. 

“Sooo, what’s new with you since the last time we got lunch? When was that, like in September? When there wasn’t snow on the ground?” 

“Yeah, something like that. Um, not much. Dad’s been doing chemo as you know, and after he’s done with this round, he has surgery. Um, I just wrote a huge paper about serial killing for Criminology which was um, interesting. I got to shadow a local lawyer for a day before then. We studied some pretty disturbing cases in Crim, worked on writing some arguments, and that’s about it,” I confess, my words ending in a laugh. With the next words on the tip of my tongue, they’re stolen away when the waitress arrives to take our order. 

She leaves a pint and a soda for us, making me wish I’d ordered something warm. 

“Sorry, was there more you wanted to say?” Asher asks, bringing the foamy pint to his lips. 

“Uh yeah, I guess,” I answer nervously, smoothing out the square napkin my drink sits on. “Guess who came and talked to my class the other day?” 

“Who?” 

“Harry,” I tell him. Looking up to meet his eyes, I press my lips together in a silent ‘Yeah, I couldn’t believe it, either.’

“You should’ve seen that one coming. I’ve heard he’s done those uni talks for years,” Asher chuckles, pulling a scoff from my lips. But it only encourages him, and his melodic laugh tickles my ears. 

“Yeah I know, but it hit me out of left field. I wanted to hide under my seat, and at the same time, I enjoyed it.” 

“What, do you like him again now? Damn, make up your mind,” Asher teases, and I nod. 

“I know, I know. But he sent me a really nice card . . After I cried to him on the phone about my dad after a bottle of wine. And I don’t know, he was his charming self when he spoke to my class,” I try to explain, hearing an ‘Oh, I’m so surprised’ from Asher. I shake my head with a nervous smile. “I know, but I couldn’t stop eating it up just like everybody else. Ugh, what is wrong with me?”

“A lot of things, but I don’t think we have enough time today to cover those,” he quips. I laugh, mirroring his smile. 

“You know, I like the blonde beard you have going on,” I tease him, drawing an imaginary line around my mouth. 

“Oh shut up. I’m trying it out, okay?” he says in defense, holding his pint up. His nervous smile paints crinkles by his eyes. Along with pink on his hairy cheeks. 

Shaking his head, he sets his pint down before adjusting the salmon collar of his zip-up sweater. 

“It’s fine with me,” I say, holding my hands up in defense. His laugh fills my ears as I reach for my soda. 

A silence fills the space between us, for lack of better words. The telly above the nearby bar fills our silence, along with the chattering of the lunch crowd. 

“He was wearing a ring, Asher,” I say slowly, my voice absent of smiles and laughs. Daring to look, I meet eyes with him. They’re soft and serious now as he takes a pull from his pint of beer. “On his ring finger,” I finish with one of those smiles you force to assure them you’re okay, even though you’re not.

Twirling my straw in the sea of dark soda and ice, I wait. But then I can’t wait any longer. “Do you know if-.”

“I don’t, Becky. I’m sorry. I hardly see him, since I’m on the other side in I.T.,” he begins, walking over my words. But I welcome it, the saving. “I wish I could say I’d have heard about a wedding or engagement, but I don’t really hear anything about him. The few times I’ve seen him I haven’t paid close attention. But you know, maybe it just didn’t fit on any other finger.” I nod in silence, trying to deflect the emotions. Wishing I could drown them in the fizzing soda I stare into. They only hurt more when I realize that I can’t. 

“I hate that I even care, but all of a sudden I did again when my dad told me about his cancer. I wanted to run to Harry and tell him. I don’t know why, after everything I went through,” I reveal with difficulty. “And then I called him when I was drunk, because I had this strange desire to. I hardly remember it, or try not to, and then that damn card came in the mail. And messed everything up,” I confess, covering my eyes with my hands. 

“Yeah, feelings are just great, aren’t they?” Asher quips with tension throughout his voice. 

Somehow I laugh and drop my hands to find him staring at his drink. “See, that’s what I was saying before. People get sad in front of me and ask for advice. And I-I just . . . gum up. And start telling jokes, like Chandler Bing, because I don’t know what the fuck else to do.”

“It’s okay. I like the reality check,” I tell him, smiling. He nods gratefully, wiping the beery foam from his upper lip. 

“Do you think it means anything, you caring about him again all of a sudden again?”

“Well, if I said I stopped caring about him, I’d be lying. That’s what fucking got me here,” I reply honestly. The waitress appears at that exact moment with our appetizer.

I couldn’t be happier for the rescue from my own words. 

But it scares me to say them out loud, because that’s when they become real on a whole other level. And I’m already struggling to accept the “feeling them” part. 

After hugging Asher with tummies full of pizza, I rush to my car. Finally escaping the blustery wind, I close the door. Huffing out a ghost of a breath, I crank the heating in my car. Closing my eyes, I sit back and wait for it to warm up. Then a memory I forgot about until Asher reminded me of it comes back to me. It starts unfolding inside of my head before I can stop it.

“Do I have any messages?” somebody asks. 

Looking up from my cup of tea, I find Harry smiling above me. Now that is an odd sight indeed.

“Um no, you don’t have any messages, Mr. Styles,” I reply, folding my hands in my lap awkwardly. “Why the big smile?”

His hard green eyes meet mine, but they soften. Raising his eyebrows at me, his lips melt into a smile. “I said t’ call me Harry. And I jus’ finished talkin’ t’ a class of law students, somethin’ I always enjoy,” he answers, walking away from the table where I sit. 

“Yes, Harry . . What do you enjoy about it?” I ask, stirring the spoon in circles. Watching the little tornado form in the brown liquid, I wait for his answer. I’m not sure how a crabby pants like him would enjoy having anything to do with uni students. 

With the shuffling of moving food around in the fridge, he says, “”s just great t’ see new faces comin’ into law. Their enthusiasm ’s unmatched too, ‘cause they ‘ave dis love fer law that I dunno how many lawyers even ‘ave anymo’. ‘Cause o’ that, they hang onto yer every word.”

“And they probably flirt with you too, I bet,” I joke softly. I raise my head at a noise, watching him pour a cup of tea. But that’s not the noise. It’s his tittering laugh that I’ve only heard a few times now. 

“Um,” he struggles, laughing nervously. “I can’t deny that, nor confirm it.”

“You liar! They sooooo flirt with you!” I counter.

“An’ what would make ya say that?” Harry asks, turning to face me. 

Cocking an eyebrow, he challenges me, and yanks my answer away. Or any kind of answer I had. But I definitely can’t say that I think that because I’m a college-aged female who thinks he’s cute. Well, more than cute, but I’m trying not to let myself get that far. But it’s hard to deny my feelings, when his mere presence or even name puts butterflies in my stomach. 

“Ah, not so confident anymo’, now are we?” he smirks. I laugh too, shaking my head and letting it fall. I worry he can already read my answer from my expression. But I try not to worry. I’m relieved when he doesn’t blurt my answer into thin air. That would make it even more real. “No, yer right. They do it quite a lot - flirt with me. It depends on tha class, an’ well, how many girls are innit. Sometimes ’s not so bad, an’ otha times ’s annoyin’, ‘cause well, I have a girlfriend. An’ ‘m there t’ talk to ‘em ‘bout law, not t’ get their phone numba,” he finishes. Again, he rips the words right from my mouth with his own. Because he had to bring her up. Amber. And ruin the blissful ignorance I had for the moment, forgetting that he has a girlfriend. 

Fuck.

Bringing the steaming cup of tea to my lips, I try to drown my words with it. Staring at the table, I don’t know what words there are left to say besides, “Yeah, I suppose that could be hard.”

“Oh yes, very awkward at times,” Harry responds, setting his tea down on the counter before walking away. “I mean, ‘s like I can’t outright tell ‘em I don’ want their numba. It’d all stop there if I did, but I can’ really go there.”

“Yeah, that would probably just make it even more awkward,” I drone on.

“‘Xactly,” he responds. My eyes follow him as they often do. His actions bring a question to my lips. 

“Since when do you do puzzles?” I ask after watching him fiddle with the 500 piecer lying at the other end of the table. “I didn’t know you were getting that old.”

“Oh, hush you. ‘m barely older than yerself,” he smiles, trying to connect two pieces of the Autumn puzzle.

“Really, and how old am I again?” I say sarcastically, testing him. An accidental smile tickles at his lips, but he tries to hold it back. It breaks loose after he slowly looks over at me. “You have no idea, do you?!” I exclaim, voice rising by a few octaves.

His face dissolves into an embarrassed laugh. “What? ‘m sorry. Ya look so young!”

“Wow, good excuse!” I respond, rising from my chair. Soon I’m staring down at puzzle pieces standing next to him. “I’m 24 by the way, only three years younger than you.”

“Oh yeahhhh, dat sounds familiar now,” he replies knowingly.

“Sure it does,” I mutter, trying to place a piece but it doesn’t fit. 

“Why ya sayin’ ‘m old? ‘m only 27, ya know. Tha’s not old.”

“You’re more closer to 30 than you are to 20. Now, how does that make you feel?” I pose to him. With an ‘aha,’ I fit a piece to complete a pumpkin sitting on a doorstep. 

“Old . . . Hey now, that was rude,” Harry counters, giving me a sad look. It only makes me smile a little bit. 

Picking up a piece splattered with shades of yellow, I accidentally bump shoulders with him. 

“Yeah, well you’re working your way to being an old man. Doing puzzles and not liking uni students,” I divulge, feeling the edge to my voice. But the words couldn’t sit on my tongue any longer. 

“Heeeeey, I neva said I disliked uni students. Jus’ . . . some o’ ‘em are irritatin’ an’ far too flirty. Bloody hell, wha’s gotten into you t’day, love?” Harry chirps.

“That’s what you get for not remembering how old I am, and for calling me young. Do you know how many times I still get carded?” I groan somewhat jokingly. Setting down that piece, I forget it by picking up another. I scoff when Harry giggles after fitting another piece in. 

“Don’ be so sensitive, Becky. I bet I could even tell ya when yer birthday ‘s,” he bets. Looking up curiously, I meet his playful eyes. 

“I bet you couldn’t,” I challenge him. 

His cherry lips bend into an effortless smile. My eyes leave them when his hand comes into view. Pulling away the strand of hair from in front of my eyes, I follow his fingers when he tucks it behind my ear. “June fifteenth,” he mumbles softly. Trying to push away the blush warming my cheeks, I clear my throat. 

Nodding, I smile and say, “Good job. You got one right for once.” Breaking the special yet awkward eye contact, I look back to the puzzle. 

“I can rememba birthdays fine, ‘m jus’ not good at tha age thing.”

“Mmmm. I guess lawyers only have to be good at remembering dates,” I comment smiling. With a huff, I drop my piece of the puzzle and return to my chair. 

“Yeah, tha’s an important bit. What, ya give up already?” Harry replies. He bites his bottom lip as he looks at the lonely pieces, eyebrows in a tangle. 

“I don’t have the patience for puzzles.”

“Tha’s why ya only work at ‘em a li’l bit atta time. A few pieces, an’ then ya do a few more in an hour or so. Wheneva yer bored. My gran’ likes t’ do ‘em while she’s watchin’ tha telly, or in between chores,” he reveals, distracted by a blue jigsaw piece. 

“Mmmmmm, that’s a good idea,” I tell him. Scrolling through my phone, I exit out of Instagram after tiring of seeing everybody post relationship pictures. 

With a jealous sigh, I lock my phone and lose myself in my boring cup of tea. Again. Wondering when the puzzle pieces of my life will fall together, like it seems so many others have. 

The people on Instagram. 

Even Harry’s, I think as I steal a peek at him. 

Swallowing, I suddenly think of the puzzle piece I want to find most of all. And that perhaps it’s not that I haven’t found it yet, it’s because it doesn’t fit, I realize as my eyes study him. Hands in hair. Chunky rings on his fingers. A pastel suit on. And a contagious smile on his face. All of this ignites another swarm of butterflies within my tummy. 

If only he fit into the puzzle that’s my life. 

+

Yawning, I rub my eyes. I sit up, wincing at sore spots from the uncomfortable chair. Unbelievably, the clock reads only 8:39 pm. It feels much later than that, I think, but after the events of today, I was tired at 4 o’clock. Habitually peeking at the black screen by the bed, I feel relief when I see his steady numbers. Blood pressure. Heart rate. Oxygen levels. The rhythmic beeping assures me all is well too, but I don’t feel that way when I look down at my dad. I can’t see his blue eyes, because they’re still closed. There are all of these wires on him, and a tube down his throat. It’s already hard enough to see, without arguing in the background.

“For the love of christ, would you two stop it? If you’re going to do it, do it in the bloody hallway,” I snap at them. Getting up from my chair, I grab my purse and leave. 

Ignoring the sound of my name, I keep walking until I no longer hear it. I had to get out. They were crying and fighting and the doctor’s words weren’t making sense anymore. I just can’t take it anymore, like a typical tv show character would say. My steps echo down the hallway as the guilt eats away at me with every step. Emotions run around inside of me. 

Anguish one moment. 

Then frustration. 

Overwhelmed. 

Frustrated. 

Tired. 

Fed up. 

Sad. 

Mad. 

The humming welcomes me first, before I arrive in front of the line of vending machines that have been my sole solace during my time here. The number of visits being more than I can remember. The fluorescent lights advertising the packaged goods burns, and yet calms my eyes. Hmmm, what shall we have today, Becky? Sour gummy worms? Chocolate cupcakes? Doritos? Salted nut rolls? Granola bars? 

“Don’ get tha chocolate chip cookies. They look far betta than they actually are,” a voice suggests from behind me. There’s a spark of something inside the walls of my brain during the second before I turn around. “Trust me, I was tha one who wasted a few pounds on ‘em,” they continue. 

I watch the last few words leave the lips of its owner after I slowly turn around. Those cherry lips reach higher to the sky the longer I stand there. I watch the dimples crease his cheeks. The eyes I’ve looked into and missed too many times to count, crinkle with his smile. 

[notwhoiwanttobeyet]

tumblr journal [1]

NOTE: hi pLeasE don’t read this. this is just a way of coping with my mental illnesses. this is completely unedited, highly personal and i stRonGLy advise you look away. i hope you’re having a good day! happy holidays :)

also don’t mind the spotify links along the way; just some songs i almost or did cry to while writing this 

tw: suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks, (breast) cancer

hey tumblr, 

it’s been a while since i’ve really vented. a lot of us use tumblr as a copying mechanism (me included) and i think it’s important i evaluate my current situation and break things down. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/1WVunZLZM2zLTm5rAvKZkF?si=a94u_JAsRX2VCWOD6z4l-Q

exam season is over; i’m on summer break. and that’s great. no more school. no more exams and assignments and testing and all that FUCKING BULLSHIT THAT THE SYSTEM PUTS US THROUGH. i’m sorry, i’m trying to stay calm but it’s so fuckiNg hard. i’m literally going to cry i- so yeah, as we know, towards the end of the year school fucked me over and i really, reaLLY, REALLY wanted to die. so when school finished i was like “oh i must be all good now, right?” but i wasn’t. i was left feeling so numb, to be completely honest (and cliche).  

then i got sick which was soooo fucked. apparently a lot of people who went to our small friend kris kringle gathering got sick which sucks but because i spent so much of this year in isolation, i forgot what it felt like to be sick and oh bOY it fucking sucked. i over exaggerated because i’m sensitive and wanted to die. i was sick for like a week and my parents quarantined me because my mum is recovering from a breast cancer surgery and couldn’t afford to get sick so i was like locked in my room- on my own- which yeah, i do anyway but this felt sooo different. this felt like, completely fuckEd because my parents were wearing masks around the house and would leave food in my doorway, etc. i felt like a complete MONSTER to the people i love. i also obviously couldn’t hug them or anything, leaving me touch starved and ugh- it just wasn’t a great experience. 

also my mum is recovering fine and stuff but it’s an emotional fucking time for everyone and i’m so stupid i haven’t told anyone about my mum being sick and all. like people don’t ask why i’m acting up because i’m ALWAYS acting up. i’m always sensitive and angry and having mood swings. that’s just me, being mentally ill. so no one asks why i’m worried. my mum has/had BREAST CANCER- brooo. she’s had one surgery which went well and will most likely have to have chemo and/or radiation in the coming year. we get the results back after christmas. so that’s a thing. 

i have a secure group of friends which i’ve always wanted, but it doesn’t feel right. it never feels right. like today the three of us went shopping and THEY WENT CRAZY- i was so stressed and had literally like 6 different mental breakdowns in the 2 hours we were out. they were bumping into people, running around, trying on every item of clothing ironically in every store. that shit stresses me out. and there’s nothing wrong with that- they’re good people and they’re not doing anything wrong really - it’s just normal teenage stuff. but i’m note normal, i’m super anxious and everyone was looking at us and it made me sooo uncomfortable. like- i could elaborate more but thinking about it hurts. i felt like i was their mum or something, shepherding them around and making sure they didn’t break anything else. they- UGH// they broke a perfume bottle and rudely ran away from a teacher i have a good reputation with. like i said, they’re just normal teenagers but it fucks me up. it’s not them, it’s me. on the bright side i saw this same lesbian couple i saw the other day again :) i never see wlw or mlm couples in public really so it makes me soo happy when i see them :) i also saw this girl in an unnus annus hoodie and i was gonna say something but i’m too *anxious* so i just stared at her until she looked at me weirdly and i ran out of the store. oH and there was a girl in an mcr shirt ahh-- she was really pretty but i was too busy running it was a whole thing like my mum was coming to pick me up and i had 10 minutes so i ran up from one end of the mall to the other and then upstairs to this store to but this fucking wonderwomen shirt and then i had to run all the way back and i’m not the most athletic to say the least and i wanted to CRY but yeah. what did i learn today? people aren’t for me. friends aren’t for me. and again i know i’m built to be alone. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/7wTqEW5nrMhvyEhEyTnOMd?si=ata2BwOPQji3twov9wTZWg

i’m really thirsty. ew not like tha- i fucking hate society

cinnamon rolls not gender rolls. wait my friend got that on a poster let me see if i can find it,,,

yeah here it is ^^^^

also: my hair. i’m so happy having it the length it is but mAn i just- i just- i hate myself lol. like i don’t know what else to say. i think i’m ugly and every time i look in the mirror i want to cry, and it’s going to be like that forever so i need to just except that. i am ugly, i hate myself. like- bro come on. it’s been like this forever and it’s going to continue to be like this forever so i need to stop fucking crying over it.

https://open.spotify.com/track/05JtBVWRtSzqLoj7jj30kn?si=30W4pt7dT8G3cbzaUMqldw

oh my god this song i’m about to cry. this is what i want. why can’t i just be- not me!!! 

these past few days i’ve literally been playing minecraft bed wars all day. like all day. and it was okay but now my eyes hurt and my head hurts and my hands hurt and i hate myself and everything hurts. 

also- music doesn’t feel right. it’s been like this for a while now, it’s getting better though. before i couldn’t listen to any music at all - now i’ve been listening to kid krow on repeat : ) 

god bless you, conan. my number one song currently is *cough* E-GIRLS ARE RUINING MY LIFE (which they are btw) which is- fucking terrifying and funny at the same time. i genuinely like CORPSE though- i’ve watched every among us stream and i love his songs- in the past i would have considered myself a simp (?) maybe (?) but i had a nightmare about it and i can’t awifjisenf simp no more. i still appreciate him, i just- had an awakening. 

sexuality crises also suck a whole bunch. there was a 1-2 day phase a few weeks ago where i was low key PRAYING to be a lesbian lmfao. like it sounds stupid but i was crying over that shit. background info: no i’m not one of those straight girls, i’m a bisexual female who’s almost a full on raging homosexual except i am attracted to men. and i wish i wasn’t, believe me when i say that. but i have realised i am bi so it’s okay. i thought i was a lesbian and awilfjnawr labels but no, i am slightly attracted to men sometimes. but to answer your question if i am lucky enough my future wife and i will be married and living in a cottage. 

ugh. life. bru h i’m actually a train wreck- i had an anxiety attack crying trying to find my childhood tinkerbelle and friends dolls the other night. and then to make matters worse, i found them in a box with a whole bunch of other dolls in the same box including StRawBerrY ShoRtCaKe doLLs and i smelt my stawberry shortcake doll hesitantly while crying and she still smelled like her strawberry scent and i was DEAD. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/1F6IbA7di42uPc3cff8PXV?si=COKcG_UbQh-GhKYJ5vtIgg

ugh. so this has been my update so far. oh wait-

christmas. holy shit how is it christmas. i want dEatH like. reasons why i’m sad for christmas: it doesn’t feel like christmas so i feel like i’m not going to enjoy it, i’ve had no motivation to clean my room so the contents of my wardrobe is all over my floor because i was mid resorting the drawers when i got sick, i’ve wanted to ask for doc martens and my chemicals romance + other artists’ merch all year but i have SEVERE ANXIETY so of course i didn’t and now my parents have gone and bought me a new phone or something which of course i’m grateful for but my iphone 6s works just fine. it’s a waste of money which we need at the moment but because i’m too anxious i didn’t ask for anything this year so my parents have just chosen to spoil me and- aW SHIT! i can’t=

anyway so that’s my bullcrap life. i mean my bullshit rant. am i glad i did this? yes. do i feel any better? kinDa? i don’t know okay. what am i going to do now? i don’t know. probably lie on the floor and drown in self pity in hopes of melting into the abyss. i might read my book which i’ve yet to finish. maybe reading can be my knew things, seeing as i have zero hobbies. i read like once in a blue moon.

this is it for now, good luck, future me. 

sincerely, 

jordan ♡

https://open.spotify.com/track/7B3z0ySL9Rr0XvZEAjWZzM?si=HyWPKutjRTuPumafim7_Vw

[mieczyhale]

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

so

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone) 

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise)  my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough. 

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol) 

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so. 

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

SO

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie) 

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

[witchy-mel]

Merry Christmas!

A/N: A little side story revolving around the Petey x Russell ship(i gotta come up with a ship name for it). This time it's Christmas-themed! (despite it being summer🤦‍♀️) So I hope you enjoy it!

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December. The start of Winter break and a couple days before Christmas. Peter was going back home because his mother said she missed him. Which was probably true, but it's most likely because she didn't want to be stuck with babysitting duty if he stayed at Bullworth. His cousins would always come over for the holidays, so it was his "tradition" to watch them while the adults are busy drinking and talking about their New Year's resolutions that never happened. He liked kids, but his cousins were a lot to handle on his own. Peter appeared to have his schedule all planned out. He wondered what Jimmy was doing for break. He hadn't said anything since the exchange between him and Peanut. His dart-throwing was starting to become aggressive as well. Peter decided to ask him to break the silence. "So, uh, Jim, what're you doing for Christmas break?" "I don't know. Probably find out who the hell this Johnny guy is, I guess," he answered. He threw a gray dart at the bright red circle surrounding Dr. Crabblesnitch's face. "Well, what would you have usually done?" Peter asked, attempting to start some kind of conversation. "Usually, I'd be at home celebrating Christmas with my mom and whoever my dad was for that year. If I was lucky, I'd receive two pairs of new socks instead of one. On top of that, I'd get to watch them make out under the mistletoe for nearly thirty times or more. Compared to now, this would be an improvement and that's saying something." "That...doesn't seem like much fun..." Peter stated softly. He started to feel bad for him. Jimmy glanced over at the smaller boy before hurling another dart. "Hey, what's with the long face? You don't have to feel sorry for me, dude. I'm used to it." He ruffled Peter's head. "And hey, who knows, maybe my mom might send me an ugly Christmas sweater. Or better yet, I meet Mr. Claus himself." "Really..." Peter knew he was just trying to lighten the mood, but that joke was horrible. "So, what're you doing for the break?" "I'm going back home. I leave tomorrow." "Really? What about Russell? You guys have been going pretty steady, right?" That was true, but unfortunately, Russell said he'd be staying here for break. Sadly, they can't spend their first Christmas together, but there's always next year. "Yeah...about that; he’s gonna be here while I’m back at home." "Oof. That's gotta suck. I guess no kisses under the mistletoe for you then, huh," the freckled boy said while elbowing Peter's arm. A pervy expression settling on his face. "Hey, quit that!" the now flustered boy shot back. It's not like he and Russell haven't kissed before; it was just embarrassing to talk about so openly. "Haha, I'm just messin' with ya." "Yeah, yeah I know"." They continued to joke around and throw darts for a bit longer until Jimmy left to look for Johnny. Peter set his darts in the pile Jimmy left his then went to his room before nighttime rolled around. This was the last time he was gonna have some alone time in a while, so he ought to enjoy it while he can.

It was the next day. Peter had been sitting in his room waiting for his mom. He was just waiting for Miss Danvers to call him down to the office so she could pick him up. A moment later, a click was heard from the intercom. "PETER KOWALSKI, PLEASE COME TO THE OFFICE. YOUR MOTHER IS HERE TO PICK YOU UP." The announcement then ended with another click. Time to go. He put on his sneakers, a light blue jacket, and a gray beanie with a smiley face embroidered on it. He also grabbed the white canvas bag he came to Bullworth with. He packed it with a pair of pajamas and an extra pair of shoes. He didn't need to bring much with him since he was going back home. He put the straps across his chest and headed out of the boys' dorm. When he entered the main office, his mom was sitting in a chair closest to the wall. Her long, dark brown hair was styled in a messy low-side ponytail. She was wearing a sky-blue, loose turtleneck sweater that stopped right above her midthigh with a pair of black skinny jeans and black matte flats. She was so occupied reading a school brochure that she didn't even notice him enter the room. "Hey, mom." She adverted her attention from the paper and looked directly towards the center of the room. He gave her a little wave and a shy smile. "Gummiworm!" In an instant, she sprang out of the chair and hurried towards him, her arms wide open. She grabbed hold of him and she squeezed him so tight you'd think that he could feel her heartbeat through her chest. "Oh, I've missed you soooo~ much!" "I've missed you too, mom. Can you let me go though, you're kinda squishing me." "Oops- I'm sorry, sweetie, I wouldn't want to turn my baby into a pancake as soon as I get to see his cute, wittle face again." She pinched his cheek as she talked in a way you would to a newborn. Peter was getting embarrassed by this constant coddling. Fortunately, Miss Danvers chimed in and saved him, "Well, I see you two are enjoying yourselves. Well, if that's all, I expect to see you again after the break, right Peter?"  Peter nodded his head. "Very good. Have a wonderful break, you two," She said with a polite smile. They left the office and walked down the main stairs to the car parked out by the school gates. He opened the backseat door and tossed his bag in first, him trailing after. His mom climbed into the car and started the car. "Seatbelt on?" "It's on," He reassured her, but he double-checked just in case. It's been a while since he's been in a car. "Alright, we're ready to roll. Before we go home, we're gonna go to the mall so we can find some presents for the family, 'kay?" "Okay." The closest mall was an hour and a half away, so it would be a long drive. He thought that this would be the perfect opportunity to get Russell a present. Then Peter wouldn’t feel sad for not being able to spend time with him this year. He didn’t know what though. He figured he would probably find something once they got there.

A fifteen-minute gap of popular Christmas songs playing on the radio and cars passing was interrupted by his mom asking him questions. She turned the volume down a little, so it would be easier for them to hear each other. "So, you told me you made a new friend called Jimmy. You guys hang out a lot?" "Yeah. We go to the park sometimes and he shows me how to ride his skateboard. He's pretty cool." "That sounds fun! What about Gary? You didn't really say anything about him in the letter you sent me." Peter hesitated to answer. It's not every day you get to tell your mom that your childhood friend is trying to ruin your life by trying to take over your school. "...we don't...really talk anymore..." Her eyebrows furrowed with concern as she looked at her son through the rearview mirror " Huh? Why not? Something happen?" "It's...complicated..." She glanced back in the mirror at her son sulking by the window. He looked upset, so she backed off of him a bit. "That's alright. I won't force ya." Peter continued to stare out of the window, staring at all the freshly snow-covered trees and hedges. He always liked Winter. When he was younger, he and his dad would go to their backyard and challenge each other to see who could make the most deformed snowman. After being in the snow for so long, they'd rush into the house and drink hot chocolate his mom would make. That was all before he started working at the library two towns over from their house. He would come home so late at night, Peter would already be fast asleep when his dad got home. He would really only get to see him on weekends and certain holidays. "Are there any girls you like?" Peter was so focused on the scenery outside that he was caught off guard with that out-of-the-blue question. His face became so red he practically became Rudolph 2.0. "Wha-, mom, no!" "What~? I saw some pretty cute girls there! I wouldn't mind if you brought one home to us someday." "Mom, can we not talk about this anymore?" he urged, still looking out the window, hiding his reddened face from his mother. Besides, he's already with someone, and that someone was Russell. A boy. His parents never cared about his love life, as long as he was happy with whoever he was with, but they’ve always wanted him to start a family and have kids of his own. He didn't even mention Russell in the letter he sent in response to her asking about his current school life. It’s not like he was afraid to tell her. He just thought it was too early. But Russell's mom knew. She found out when she noticed Russell would come home later than usual some days after school because they would be out on little dates. They would occasionally hang out at his house as well. Peter was the only partner, or anybody, that he has ever brought home so frequently, so it didn't take her long to catch on. She wasn't bothered by it at all, and she was super supportive. How he was going to tell his parents, though? How would they react? It's not like they needed to know right away anyways. Maybe Summer break would be a decent time to tell them. "Alright, I'll stop messing with ya. I know I'm probably acting like a cop the way I'm interrogating you like this." She quietly laughed to herself while she dialed the radio back up to the Christmas songs that played earlier. Peter yearned for this car ride to be over ASAP.

They eventually pull into the large mall parking lot. It was jam-packed due to last-minute Christmas shoppers. There were so many rows and rows of cars lined up it looked like a multicolored forest made of metal. They'd be lucky to even remember where they parked their car, let alone find a parking spot. After a long search, they finally found a parking spot, but it was farthest from the entrance. He knew how his mom got whenever she went shopping, especially holiday shopping. When he was younger, he would wonder where she'd get the money to buy all that stuff, and he still does now. Just thinking about carrying all those bags back to the car made his arms feel like jelly. She parked in the spot and turned off the car. They unbuckled their seatbelts and hopped out. She pushed a button on her keys that locked all the doors and they began to walk to the entrance. Upon entering the mall, Peter was amazed by what he saw. Bright Christmas lights were dangling from the second-floor rails. Candy canes and ornaments made of shiny tinsel were randomly located throughout the mall. A strong scent of gingerbread was also floating in the air. But the icing on the cake was the giant, rotating, decorated Christmas tree that stood directly in the middle of the mall. It hasn't been that long since Peter had been to the mall, but he never went when it was during the holiday season. His mom has always done the gift shopping beforehand while he stayed home with his dad. It was kind of weird experiencing all of this for the first time. "Alright, so here's the plan," his mom started, snapping Peter out of his state of awe. "I'm gonna give you $40 to spend on anything you want for a present. It can be for a friend, yourself, anything. Since you haven't been around us as much this year, I gave you a pass." She dug into her purse and pulled out her pink sparkly wallet. She took out two $20 bills and handed them to him. "Spend it wisely because that's all you get, kay?" Peter nodded his head. "Good. Meet me back at the food court when you're all done, alright." She lowered herself and kissed him on the cheek, then walked off. $40. That's all he was given to spend on a present. He already knew who he was going to spend it on but didn't know what. Standing here all day wasn't going to solve anything. Maybe he'll find something if he walks around a bit. He shoved the money into his pocket and started his hunt for the perfect gift.

It'd been a couple minutes, and Peter hadn't found anything yet. 'This might take longer than I imagined...' he thought. He wished to find something and quick. It was as if a genie heard his thoughts because, at that moment, he came across a craft store. Peter idly stood in front of the store entrance, wondering what he could possibly use from here. Then it came to him. Heading into the store, he searched for what he was going to need. The first section he went to was 'Simple Crafts' where he grabbed pink and white felt, crazy glue, and some golden tinsel. He needed some thread for the felt, so he headed to the 'Sewing' section. There he grabbed a spool of white and pink thread, needles, and a pack of colorful heart-shaped buttons. He got everything he needed. If not, he could just look in his basement for supplies. All that was left was to check out. Up at the register, he placed all his items on the counter. A middle-aged lady with short salt and pepper hair was working the counter. "Will that be all, sweetheart?" she asked kindly. "Mhmm," Peter answered back. "Alright, that's gonna be $12.15." She rang him up and put all his belongings in a bright, red plastic bag with the store's logo printed on it. He handed her the money, and she put it into the cash register, "Here ya go," she said as she handed him the bag, "Enjoy your holiday!" "You too!" Peter said as he rushed out of the store, quick to get the final item. Reaching the top of the escalator, he stepped off and began looking for a men's casual clothing store. He didn't see any on the first floor because there were a lot of clothing stores for women and item-based shops. There were some shoe stores, suit shops, and sportswear stores on the second floor. Not anything he was looking for. After a tedious search for a regular clothing store, he eventually came across a casual apparel store for men. This was probably his best and the only option, so he walked inside. The first thing he did was scan through all of the tops. No sweaters here. "Maybe they're by the jackets," Peter said to himself. Jackets and coats were on another side of the store, so he walked over to where they were hung. To no surprise, there they were. That was the first check off his list. Now all he had to do was find one in green. No luck on the first rack, the second one either. Fortunately, the third rack had some. Another check off his list. Now he just had to find the right size. He remembered that Russell wore an XL. He only knew that because they were on a date one day, and they got caught in the rain. Russell took off his shirt and draped it over Peter to keep him dry since he was wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt. Thinking about that made him blush a little because Russell was getting completely soaked and he couldn’t stop looking at Russell as water dripped off of him. They had fun drying each other off back at his house though. Peter shook his head to regain focus on what he was doing. He skimmed through a few of the sizes before he came across the right one. Before unhooking it from the rack, he checked the price tag. He had a bunch of cash left since the art supplies were pretty cheap, but he didn't want this sweater to go over his budget. He flipped the tag and looked at the price. Only $20. Perfect. Right on budget. He traveled to the checkout counter, purchased it, and left the store. He now had everything that he needed. 

Now he just had to head back to the food court and wait for his mom. He didn't know where it was at, though. Coincidentally, there was a map of the mall a bit farther down from where he was standing. The blue dot on the screen indicated where he was now. The food court was on the second floor, so he didn't have to walk too far. All he had to do was go straight from here, and he'd be there in no time. He must've got there before her because she was nowhere to be found. There wasn't a big crowd, so if she was here, he would've spotted her almost immediately. She was probably still shopping. He then heard a weird gurgling noise. It was his stomach. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't eaten anything all day. Might as well get something before his stomach eats at itself. Peter used the remainder of his money to buy himself a slice of pepperoni pizza. He found a seat, placed his bags next to him, and ate while he waited for his mom to show up. Five minutes passed as Peter watched the corner, waiting for her to pop up. His wait was shortly over because she finally arrived. And she was holding some bags. A lot of bags. Too many bags. She looked around for a second before she spotted him. "Oh, there you are!" She began to approach him, and with every step, he could just feel his arms began to give out. "Looks like you beat me here, huh?" she inquired as she set her bags next to his. "Yeah. I didn't know how long it was gonna be before you showed up, so I got lunch." "Oh, that's right. You didn't eat anything this morning, did you? I knew we should've picked something up before we got here." "It's fine, mom. All that walking made me hungry. I was fine earlier." She rested her cheek on her palm and gave him a worried pout, but soon replaced it with a soft, closed-lip smile and pet his head, flattening his beanie. "Well, if you say so, Gummiworm. Well, It's time to go, so grab a couple of bags to help carry to the car." Peter carried six bags, three for each arm, including his two bags. His mom took six as well. They pushed open the doors and were hit with the cool winter air. It was lightly snowing as well, and as they walked, snowflakes landed in and on the bags. Some, melting instantly and others coating the items in a fine layer of frosty powder. His mom pressed some buttons on her key that unlocked the trunk and the doors. They stored the bags into the semi-full trunk of wrapping paper and boxes and hopped into the car. Their house was a 20-minute drive from the mall, so it wouldn't take them long to get home.

At last, they were finally at home. His mom backed into the driveway and parked the car. Unlocking the trunk again, they grabbed the bags, wrapping paper, and boxes and carried them to the door. Fishing the key out of her back pocket, she unlocked the door and turned the knob. "Honey, we're back!" she called out to the person in the house. They walked in and placed all the items on the living room carpet and couches. A moment later, there was a sound of footsteps coming down the wood stairs. "I see you guys went shopping today." said the familiar voice. Peter knew that voice. "Dad?" Peter questioned, looking up from the bags. "Hey, Kowboy!" Peter ran to him, soon binding him in a tight hug. "I've missed ya, bud" "I did too." After a hug that seemed to go on forever, he freed him from his grasp. "You still haven't changed since yet?" His mom complained as she grabbed his mix-matched pajamas. "I don't see why I have to. The only people who are going to see me are you guys and the rest of the family," he stated. "Jeremy," her tone now more serious. "Alright, I'll go change. But I'm only changing the shirt." "That's fine," she said and she pecked him on the cheek. He hiked up the stairs to their bedroom to find a presentable shirt to wear. "Peter, honey, could you help me wrap these presents? I wanna get this done before the rest of the family get here." she requested. "Sure." He hung up his jacket and kicked off his shoes, then walked to the couches. Peter already separated his bags from the others so his mom wouldn't accidentally wrap his stuff. They wrapped the various gifts one by one. Cutting and taping the assorted wrapping paper around cardboard boxes. Labeling who they're for and from. They finished in an hour. "That appears to be all the presen-" she paused when she saw Peter's bags still on the couch. "Must've skipped over these." She reached to grab them but was interrupted when Peter snagged them away. "Ah- ma, you can’t wrap these," he explained. She raised an eyebrow, "And why not? You hidin' something from me?" she teased. "Uh- no. It's just I have to make it first; that's all." "Oh alright, hon. I still got more stuff to do, but I'll make your dad help me. You can go on upstairs and make your gift." Peter grabbed a box and a ribbon then walked up to his bedroom.

He turned the knob and opened the door. The room looked the same as the day he left. His bed was still neatly made. His figurines and trinkets on his desk were where he left them. He plopped down on his bed, dumped out all of the craft supplies, and took out the sweater. He spread it out across his bed and tore open all the supplies, separating them into individual piles. Grabbing a Sharpie and a pair of scissors off his desk, he outlined the letter "P" in the pink felt and the letter "R" in the white then carefully cut them out. He set them in the middle of the sweater. Next up, tinsel. There was so much of it, but he managed to form it into a heart. He snipped off the excess and put it away. He took a red, medium-sized heart button and placed it right between the P and the R that made a message that reads "P heart R," which meant "Peter loves Russell." Lastly, he picked out a handful of tinier buttons and randomly distributed them on the green, wooly fabric. Now that he had his design planned out, all he had to do was make it stay there permanently. First, he super glued the tinsel, careful not to get any on his fingers or anywhere else on the sweater. Then he took out the white and pink spools of thread and the needles and threaded them. Peter was pretty skilled at sewing. Whenever he went to his aunt's, she would teach him how to sew. Sometimes he would fix a button or sew a hole close on an old pair of jeans or shirt. He even took a sewing class in the summer. He started with the tricky part, which was the letters, and the buttons last since all he had to do was crisscross the thread in the holes. After he was finished, he held up the sweater and admired his work. Picturing Russell wearing it made him smile so wide that it stretched ear to ear. Peter folded it up and neatly placed it into the purple box, then closed it. He took the green ribbon and tied it into a neat bow. He carried the to his desk, then walked downstairs to the kitchen. His parents were busy putting the presents under the tree and hanging up some extra ornaments. "You finished your present?" his mom asked while she tiptoed to hang a sparkly red and gray ornament on one of the tree branches. "Yeah. I just need to get it to them before Christmas." "Okay, I'll take you tomorrow. Where do they live?" "Old Bullworth Vale, back by the school." "I'll take you at some time around 10, so be ready by then, alright." "Alright," Peter responded. Not even a second later, there was a ring from the doorbell.

"That must be them. I'll get it." His mom skipped over the presents and rushed to the door. When she opened the door, she was greeted by his aunt and twin cousins. "Lily!" his aunt squealed. "Amber!" his mom squealed back. They hugged each other as if they hadn't seen one another in ages. "It's great to see you again. Where's Daryll?" "Oh, he's getting the bags out of the car. He'll be here in a bit." "Why don't you guys come inside then. It's freezing out there." They stepped inside and hung up their jackets and scarves. His cousins noticed him first. "Pepper!" [A/N: They call him "Pepper" because they're both like 4, and they can't really pronounce "Peter" or "Petey". i'm not gonna nickname him "PeePee" lol(i was low-key tempted to tho👀). even tho that would be more appropriate for their age. also, a little fun fact: they're actually twins] They both raced up to him and clutched onto his legs, almost causing him to lose his balance. "W-Woah! Hey guys." His aunt noticed him next due to the noise they made, "Polar bear!" She walked over and hugged him while planting a kiss on his cheek, leaving a red lipstick stain. "You've grown so much! The last time I've seen you, you were this small." She raised her hand to her midthigh to symbolize his past height. He wondered if it had actually been that long since he had last seen her. "What, am I invisible now?" his dad's voice piped up. "Oh-I didn't even notice you, Jeremy. You were hidden by the tree." "Well, now I know I'd win a game of hide-'n-seek." Eventually, his uncle paraded in, multiple bags in hand. "Need a little help here." "Ay, Daryll! Hang on, I'll help ya." His dad walked from behind the tree and rushed to help with the extra luggage. The adults separated and left Peter alone with his cousins. His mom and aunt were in the kitchen and his dad and uncle downstairs in the guest room. The chaos had now started. His first day home consisted of him playing a long game of tag with his cousins with him being 'it' the whole time. Making sure they didn't get hurt or into any trouble. This went on until the sun went down, and the little ones got tired of hearing their own footsteps. He called his aunt upstairs to collect them, for as they were growing sleepy, and she took them to get ready for bed. Peter was so tuckered out that as soon as his head hit the pillow, he blacked out. He didn't even get to change out of his clothes.

It had to be a quarter before 10 when Peter was rudely interrupted from his sleep by his cousins jumping around him on his bed. "Pepper! Pepper! Wake up!" the two shouted. He gradually raised his head off the pillows. His eyes still practically closed. His cousins climbed off the bed giggling and ran towards his mom, who was standing at the door. "They woke up early today, so they helped me wake you up." Peter responded with a short grunt as if to say, 'Oh.' "It's almost 10:00, so you should start getting ready. I'll be downstairs." she instructed. She picked up one of his cousins and went downstairs. Peter moved his legs off the bed and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He got up, walked into the hallway, and grabbed a pale-yellow towel out of the linen closet. Walking into the bathroom, he turned the faucet and waited for the water to warm up. When the water was at the right temperature, he removed his clothes and hopped in the shower. After, he brushed his teeth and washed his face. He collected his clothes off the tiled floor and walked back to his room, shutting the door behind him. The twins had him so tired out last night that he wasn't even able to pick out an outfit beforehand. He decided he would go for a simple look today. Peter opened his closet and took a look at his wardrobe. He grabbed a white dress shirt, a navy blue sweater with a gold stripe near the collar, and a pair of beige dress pants. He finished the look with a pair of long white socks and black and white canvas sneakers. After getting dressed, he grabbed Russell's present off the desk and stuffed it under his arm. He left his room and walked downstairs. His mom was waiting in the living room reading a fashion magazine, his aunt busy in the kitchen feeding the kids breakfast. His dad and uncle, surprisingly, weren't here. "Hey, mom, I'm ready," he called out. "Alrighty!" She closed the magazine and laid it on the coffee table beside her.  She got up from the couch, and they both went to grab their coats from the rack by the door. His mom reached for the doorknob to leave, but as if on cue, they were immediately stopped by his aunt. "Ah- before you guys go, Polar bear, I have something to give you." She walked to the guest room to retrieve whatever it was she had. She came back a few seconds later, holding a pair of brown mittens with white snowflakes decorated on them. "Here! Consider it an early Christmas present~." She said as she handed them to him. "Oh, thanks," Peter replied, slipping them onto each hand. His mom opened the door, and they headed out to the car.

It took 2 hours to reach Bullworth because of a traffic jam caused by the snow. The whole time, Peter was sitting in the backseat eagerly waiting to arrive at Russell’s house. "Okay, we're back in Bullworth. I'm gonna need some directions from here on." his mom informed. Peter told her which way to go until they ended up in front of Russell's house. "-and stop riiiight here." "This house?" "Yep." She parked the car and he hopped out. He excitedly walked to the front door, imagining Russell’s reaction to Peter’s surprise visit, and rung the doorbell, quickly hiding the present behind his back. *DING-DONG* The sound of the bell softly echoed. There was a long pause of stillness that made Peter progressively grow more and more impatient. Suddenly the door swung open, and Russell stood in the doorway to greet him. He was wearing a white t-shirt and red plaid pajama pants. He was probably sleeping a while ago. When Russell saw him standing in front of him, his eyes widened with confusion. "Petey? What are you doing here?" he asked as he scratched his head. "I thought you go home." "I did, and I still am, but I just wanted to give you something since I won’t be able to on Christmas day." Russell slightly tilted his head as Peter unhid the box from behind him. Holding it in both hands, he held the box out in front of him. "Merry Christmas~!"

[survivornavarino]

Rites of Passage

It is time for the Rites of Passage. Take this time to reflect on your journey in this game as well as the people who left for you four to be where you are now. Please play the audio and enjoy your experience.

Heather

You weren't active much in the beginning love   sorry. Love your memes tho

Julia

I never got to meet you, but i'm sorry you got first boot. Who knows, maybe we could have been iconic together?

Shoib

I felt bad about voting you until I found out you voted me :(

Trixie

Heather

Ummm you quit the game. No one knows why. So um... sorry

Julia

I'm gonna keep it real with your ass. I don't like you, I ACTUALLY hate you. And I still did hex your ass. AND the poliece still haven't contacted me so, i'm waiting. (:

Shoib

You were a close ally of mine and then I went to sleep and woke up to find out that you had walked :x. After finding out you leaked some of what I said to Jake I am glad you walked so he was easier to take out.

Trixie

Heather

KING I LOVE YOU. You were so robbed because of all the snakes. But I loved being an outside voter with you and thank you so much for helping me and taking the bullet for me. I will always stan you. 

Julia

I never met you rip. Sorry you were booted so early, but you should totally play again, things can change!

Shoib

RIP Honestly you were the best social player on our tribe and Tyler was kinda dumb for playing so hard to get you out but it worked out in the end for me cause I liked Trixie and didn't want to have to vote her out.

Trixie

Heather

I thought you were so sweet, but you lied to me. I was a little bitter while at exile so I was glad to see you leave. You were really sweet tho and I would love to talk to you outside the game.

Julia

So I remember meeting you on swap. You were such a sweetheart and it was kinda sad voting you out. I hope maybe we can talk again in the future girl! You were fun to talk to though fr.

Shoib

You getting voted out was probs the hardest since you were my closest ally and someone I trusted 100%, it sucked that you were put on a tribe with majority faves and they ended up murdering you all but don't worry, I got my vengeance :). I also miss sending you animal gifs everyday.

Trixie

Heather

My queen   as much as I didn't want to vote you out, it had to happen. You were my only fan ally left after the Tim bote out and leaked the whole Heather vote to me. You saved me love and I am sorry I couldn't do the same to you

Julia

Okay so I felt SO BAD about your vote. You were DEFINATELY the nicest person in the game. Whenever you complimented me, I felt so good about myself. Also, you are highkey gorgeous! I hope we can talk more when the season ends because I loved your company!

Shoib

You were also robbed and I loved talking to you about snakes and you owning one was pretty dope, you also fell victim to the faves which sucks.

Trixie

Heather

I never got to play with you, WHICH I WANTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN. How dare you be done dirty.

Julia

We never really got to talk with eachother so I don't really have much to say. I hope all is gucci!

Shoib

We did't talk much but you seemed like a down to earth person and your vote out was just due to no one really talking to you much

Trixie

Heather

My fav snake who sucks at lying hehehe. The one who tried targeting me round 3 after making an alliance and accidentally writing it in the chat. Other than you being #messy, I did really like you  but never got to working together. I can see us becoming really good friends after this is over  

Julia

Hi Tyler! So, first of all SORRY about that blindside. I just heard alot of things going on in that round, so I thought it was the best for me in that moment. But aside from that you were super fun. I remember showing you my HORRIBLE burger confessional, and my knife confessionals. You honestly were such a fun guy. I hope you play again and get a second chance because I think you deserve it 100% b.

Shoib

You are a great personality to have in games but in this game I feel like you just played way too hard and that lead to your downfall.

Trixie

Heather

I never got to play with you either, but I heard good things and that you were done dirty as well.

Julia

DREW OMG. First of all I love you and I think you know that. But i'm such a Drew fan 100%. I was seriously hoping to like F2 with you because I love you soooooo much. I was deadass furious you got voted out. I was like "ummmm are u kiddin me?" But I used your dead soul in the game as a sacrifice so I could do well. I'm very pleased to find out that your a great person to use as a sacrifice because it has worked so far. So PERSONALLY, I believe that you are in f4 with me at this very moment. And that is because I used you as a sacrifice once you died! You are the living ledgend of navarino i hope i made u proud b.

Shoib

ROBBED, RIP a King, I have taken out everyone who had a hand in your vote out (I think)

Trixie

Heather

It was either me and you, but when I talked about teaming up and getting Jake out, I was honest about it and wanted to work with you. However plans fell through so I had to save myself. We voted together a bit before merge, but merge killed that chance which sucks.

Julia

Hey Ben! So hi!!! I haven't talked to you in ages. I honestly don't remember what even happened on your vote because I had a rough spot I was going thru during your round. But aside from that can we just talk about how you were robbed. I have no clue what you ever did to deserve this treatment. I know you are probably the queen of ponderosa atm though. But I wanna say, you are hilarious. Your lipsynchs. Bitch. I. Am. Still. Shook. To. The. Core. You deserve better and i'm so sorry u were done dirty like tht.

Shoib

Yeah we talked like once lmfaoo, I am suprised you didn't approach me during your vote out since you must have heard your name was going around but didn't talk to me about voting Heather, maybe it was cause you didn't expect anyone to flip. From what I heard Autumn and Eddie changed their votes last minute so RIP you. Also you in the Lana Del Ray lip sync was iconic ngl.

Trixie

Heather

Your vote out was so last minute and I felt super bad doing it to you. We would have worked well together but I thought you had the merge idol

Julia

HI!!! So i've honestly missed talking to you. I remember in the beginning of this game, we got super close. And I know alot of fingers are pointed at me for your vote, which I won't deny I was apart of. But I wanna say I still love you as a person. We just kinda drifted in the end because everything with you got so busy. I hope we can talk together soon because I really love ya, and who knows I can do a few spells 4 you too!

Shoib

Just like with Ben, me and you talked once which sucks cause you seemed like someone I'd get along with but we were on opposite sides and your vote out was like a last second decision. Also everyone thought you had the merge idol lmfaooo

Trixie

Heather

You were SO ROBBED MY LOVE. MY DRINKING BUDDY UGH. I really wanted to work with you for a few more votes, but you wouldn't tell me what anyone was doing so I had to stick with what I knew was happening. I was really hoping it wasn't you to get rocked out because I felt we could mend things, but sadly it was you to go.

Julia

Hey b, soooo in this game I felt super close to you. I remember in the beginning I was drawn to you because I just liked your personality. And during swap I thought we got even closer. Like that TYLER VOTE OMFG. I wasn't having it when he wanted you gone! And we both got him to steppin! And than when we were both at eachothers throats when Matt got voted out. Honestly we were both pretty wild togehter. ALSO not to mention, but being rocked out is an iconic way of leaving. I've always wanted to be rocked out so i'm jealous.

Shoib

I was never mad at you for voting me Mo, I had to act upset so you would keep me and I felt bad guilt tripping you but I had to everything in my power to get the vote off of me, it was nice to talk to you again after Italy and the incident we don't talk about. It sucked cause you claimed how you were gonna get rocked out and I was like "you don't know that" and then it happened dsogbsoigb.

Trixie

Heather

This game I wanted to be so loyal to you, and I was up until my name was thrown out, which I was sad to hear it was thrown out by you. I love and respect you so much as a person and really wanted to remain loyal to you this game, but that didn't end up happening.

Julia

Hi Rebecka! First of all, I apologize for leaving you alone in a jury of MEN. I know you probably handled it well bc ur a badass bitch. But i've loved you since crossroads. I think we can click really well together, and we are both very strong independant women. Also, I love libras :) . Aside from that, I love how you controlled that entire swap with me. You were truly a boss during it and I was absolutley living for it. People wont understand now, but they will soon. I hope you are doing well, and maybe in the reunion we can whip out some astrology together!

Shoib

Ah my secret final 2. Ok we lied to each other a lot lmfao, we were just on opposite sides of the game all game so there was never really a chance for us to work together and also I still think you getting that one vote at tribal is one of the best moments of the season cause it was just so random lol.

Trixie

Heather

I have so much love and respect for you as a person. We always seemed to want to work together, but end up on opposing sides. We need more fire emblem talks once this game is over.

Julia

Hey Mitch!! So hi, I love you. You def tie with Vi as nicest person in the game. I knew when it came to you, there would only be positvity and 0 drama. ALSO I LOVE BIRDSONG. Anyways, I knew you were def a strong player. You were kinda getting it in the beginning, flipping sides on the downlow but still making everyone love you. You deserve plenty of credit in my opinion. I'm really sorry your vote ended in a blindside for you, but I just knew it wouldn't work out in my favor to keep you. I hope you are doing good b!

Shoib

I am so sorry for lying to you so badly before tribal cause I knew you were panicking and I made it worse however, I was also nervous since my name was going around and I tried to do everything in my power to get the vote off of me and telling you to vote Eddie was the easiest way for me to do that. I didn't want to vote you or Autumn but the chances of us actually making final 3 was impossible.

Trixie

Heather

When you saved me, I was so grateful and had my vote written down and sent in to the hosts the next round because I wanted to show how grateful I was for those who voted to keep me. However things changed last minute, and I wanted to let you know, but I wasn't sure if it would be to late or not. Then when you and Julia got into the huge disagreement after I was sure you hated me after the vote as well. I flipped to you during your vote out because I did still have faith in us working together after that vote.

Julia

So you may/may not think I have beef with you. I wanna settle that, and let you know that I do not <3 . I personally love your personality, and I loved talking to you. Though we did have petty drama, on my part it was stratgey/game related. I also LOVED it when you dragged me saying "Let the two brain cells survive" ICONIC! I even made it my mood message. I think that you and I made this season pop off/lit. Like WE WERE the drama, WE WERE the entertainment. Hopefully there is no beef on your side, and I hope maybe we can get on a call and I can teach you some fun witch stuff!

Shoib

Ok your vote out musta been so frustrating, I mean first you had Jake lying to you, it was an instant and then the person you least expected to vote you, voted for you and the people you least expected to vote with you, voted with you. It was next level fuckery. I want to apologise if you felt like I talked to you like you were my "dog" or "slave" because that's not how I meant to come across at all, I am not saying that for your jury vote if I make the end I just don't want to make people feel like I talk to them like shit unless they deserve it lmfao. My ego is just an act cause it makes the game more fun for me and gives me freedom, it also is like a strategy to make people not target me so they're like "oh keep him around no one will vote for him in the end".

Trixie

Heather

The amount of times I wanted to get you out after merge, but each of those time actually working with you was hella fun. I flipped on you during the live hands up round because you were playing such a great game and I would have wanted you gone later anyway. You were just too good and I respected your gameplay so much.

Julia

Ugh disgusting! Jake the flippin skank snake! JK! (im jking only a little). I love you, and I think this is well established. Even though u SNAKED me on a few occasions, we were able to sort that shit thru!! I'm glad we got to play another game together and actually be real with eachother. Ily u brat and I hope u survived jury bc idk if u did.

Shoib

Ah Jake where do I begin, you know I love you and after finally playing a full on game with you I realise why you are so good at them, you are incredibly smart and social and you understand why you had to leave. The only thing stopping you from winning was a bitter af jury (which they may be, idk). I wanted to be honest with you when voting you out so I was and I was a dick about my idol cause I just wanted it to be an entertaining tribal lol. Sorry for flipping on you at the instant but you know me, it's in my nature to flip.

Trixie

Heather

Queen of all Queens. The last remaining of "the other side" Us actually working together was my favorite part if this entire game. We would usually discuss little bits of the vote and then go our own way, but then when it came down to it vote against the each other with our "sides" We did have success with the Jake vote. I knew getting you to ftc would be a shoe in for you to win, but I have so much respect for you and will prob stan you in every game I see you in.

Julia

So truly, I do apologize for being fake the entire season to you. It was sad to do, but it was strategic at the same time. I remember I did wanna work SO BADLY with you but it never worked out. I blame jake 100% for this (no shade). But it's truly upsetting we were put in a position to be after eachother after becoming friends in the crossroads reunion. I think you are very strong. It's hard to be on the bottom the entire game. And from personal experiance, I have never been able to hold underdog position as long as you did this game. I want you to know that when I voted you, it was only because I was intimidated by you. You in my opinion were a threat to win. I'm really happy you made it as far as you did, and I do believe you did deserve to make it further. It was just too risky to have you stay any longer. I hope that this game dosen't ruin our friendship from before because I really do like you. You are a femenist icon i could only wish to become.

Shoib

Ok how tf did we both make final 5? Like whettttttttttt? We were the most dysfunctional duo in the game and kept lying to each other yet in the end we still kinda trusted each other which is weird, you are a great person and fun to talk to and I knew at final 5 it was me or you since we were considered the biggest threats. You played HARD and you know I thought of you as a threat, I didn't make it a secret lmao, me and you were responsible for the most iconic tribals, the first one when we got people to go to rocks for us and then the second one where I flipped and voted Jake and you flipped and voted Eddie lmfao. What a ride honestly, I wouldn't have had as much fun without you we were kinda rivals but like not rivals idk our relationship in this game is fucking weird but I still love you. TRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Trixie

[ts-crossroads]

Episode Nine - “I’m An Indecisive Mess” - John

I really hope that this is the round that we get Julia out. There's one thing that I do not tolerate, and that's people who LIE ON ME. Julia was in on the Ned vote the entire time and wouldn't even own up to it after the vote until I confronted her on it. I went from trusting her the most to not trusting her at all. This round is crucial. From what I've gathered, the other side wants to take out Sam and I can't lose another ally. I need to keep numbers on my side so that I can gain back control in the game. Ryan wants Sam out because she got mad at him on call and apparently made a chat with him the first round of merge and then voted for him. Julia somehow knows that Sam and Autumn are voting for her (probably Ryan) so she wants them out too. It comes down to Dane and John. Dane told me straight up he didn't want to vote Sam out, so I think he's good. But John is being weird. He wants Julia out because I told him she called him shady a bunch of times but he's constantly worrying about what Ryan will think. STOP PLAYING RYAN'S GAME! I need John to side with us regardless if Ryan agrees or not to make this move.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XS5jlv-lEcQ

I think im gonna go pray to the godess an calm down. I honestly feel like im being paranoid. I mean do I trust the 6 alliance anymore? No. Hell no. Do i trust some of them? Yes. Rebecka, haley, an ryan. Autumn has been asking who people are voting, so it makes me think sam may have the idol, or that sam dosen't and autumn just wants to ride majority. So im hoping this is the case. Still nervous but, ya know.

At this point in the merge nothing really exciting is going on anymore it's kinda easy sailing since I'm in majority and then have my own alliance within that one. Jake sam and autumn are just sitting ducks at this point and then the rest pluck one by one 

So last vote was almost a success. I wanted to get to the end without a single vote cast against me, but what can you do when we have bitter betties? Okay so i have 10 minutes so my plan overall right now is to blindside Julia with Rebecka, but Ryan doesn't know that and he's supposed to be my f2 but he was fake to me before tribal council so I'm not trusting him atm. I'm going to pretend that Rebecka isn't flipping and I'm acting defeated that my plan isn't going to work out, but it will. 

Okay so I haven't made a confessional since reward was posted. I was stressed about immunity bc I tied with jake and then I lost the tie breaker, which sucks. But I think I can work something out. I found another half idol so NOW I HAVE A FULL IDOL! I am playing it tonight. I don't know who is voting with me or against me, but I don't think I have the numbers and I am NOT going home with an idol. Ned did it and I would rather waste it than take it to jury. Me Jake Autumn and MAYBE Dane and MAYBE Rebecka are voting Julia, but I'm not confident enough to trust them. Everyone else is voting me so. Also, I need to stop crying about Ned and Bryan. Time to start playing the game. I am ready.

I'm an indecisive mess. 

Okay tribal just happened. I'm sweating a lot. I wasted my idol basically. I did get votes, but only 4 of them. There were 4 for Julia and then I voted for Ryan. If I would have voted for Julia and not played my idol, I would still be here AND have an idol for the future. But since I switched my vote, it tied and then my idol made her go home. It's hard bc a part of me is pissed that I wasted it. But another part of me sees a light in the distance. Autumna and Jake are the only ones who know I voted Ryan. Not even Dane knows. Right now, Coffey and Ryan think it was Rebecka. This hopefully will cause them to trust her less. But Dane's crazy advantage may mess us up right here. There is no immunity. Dane can sit out of tribal tomorrow, be immune, and not cast a vote. Or he can come, vote and potentially be voted out. He told me that he is too busy and he is sitting out, which sucks. Now there will be 7 votes. And I know Haley, John and Ryan won't vote with me. My only hope is Rebecka. And either way, none of those 3 believe that she voted with them. Julia got 4 votes. The obvious solution would be me, jake, autumn, and dane. They would never assume I would throw away a vote to ryan, especially how low I am, numbers-wise. AND there was a voting confessional for Julia (I think Autumn wrote it) but it said "this is for imperium" and i have literally cried to ryan and john about how sad i was seeing ned then bryan go back to back. They most likely think that was me. I think this then created distrust among them and rebecka, so hopefully we can pull her to our side. I think the smartest vote this round will be Ryan. He has had it out for me for a while and he has the closest connections on the other side. Let's face it, he is holding the other side together. John and Haley are not close, but Ryan has been playing both of them against us. I'm stressed whew. I'm lowkey mad at Dane for skipping, but it makes sense for his game so I don't blame him. I just need to work on Rebecka right now. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtkSVB5MpwU

Never thought I'd be able to say this in Crossroads but I'm in the majority and the dog days might be over!!! http://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/812ff861-5e39-403c-899c-9e6e33e7d36c/d5504a1c-f8e2-4028-96f6-6b038180e644.gif Highkey told Dane before tribal that I'd hang him out to dry if he flipped back to voting Sam and voted Imperium out for the 3rd time. And we all know I'm cracked enough to deliver soooo we stan tough love haha. He's still cancelled, BUT John and Ryan can enter jury before him/ they already have 3 strikes. I'm so done with John I can't even; he has no backbone and all his does is flop and lie. How are you gonna say we should work together every round and then ghost whenever it's time to vote or when I ask you what's happening? Fakest person in here and he's voted someone Imperium the past 4 rounds; I want him gone so bad but I gotta maximize Dane not being able to vote and put the target on Ryan

 Also y'all saw Owen use his admin powers to blow up my game on camera by reminding everyone that I'm on Imperium and that the tribe has voted out Imperium the past 3 rounds right? OK COOL JUST CHECKING http://i.imgur.com/uN6iEBs.gif So if the tribe speaks this week and I suddenly go to jury, do me a favor and riot cause Owen is rigging for the uglies thanks

My sleeping meds are making me miss this whole game Bc I'm always SLEEP rip 

Everyone is still trash and thus they are still cancelled. Ryan and Haley are pressing me about the vote and I'm like what is there to talk about?? Y'all been coming for my side of camp the past 4 rounds. Flattery will get you nowhere. In other news Rebecka and I are officially on the same side/ working together!! Our parents Duncan, Mitch, and Amanda are probably so proud. Also I think Dane is done flopping and is back to being trustworthy?? But never say never Also John is going home tonight because he can't stop lying, constantly flip flops, doesn't have a backbone, has voted someone Imperium out the past 4 rounds, etc. It's funny cause I like John as a person hahaha; he's just doing too much and he needs the Boardroom's permission to do anything. The Boardroom would be John, Ryan, and Dane because anytime me, Jake, or Sam try to talk game to them, they say "ok I'll talk to the guys" and disappear for 4 hours. Then they come back like "ooh uhhh I don't think Dane/Ryan/John is on board" or "yeah I still don't know what I'm gonna do" when the vote is due in an hour. Anyway, I'm tired of building each round around what The Boardroom may or may not do. NOW LET ME OUT OF THE WOODS DAMMIT IM OWEN https://i.pinimg.com/originals/a4/76/7e/a4767e9175f6fd603aa51d12b23c1ddf.gif

Hi VL!!! Sorry I didn't start talking to y'all until recently because I only recently learned that vl confessionals are a thing that I'm allowed to do lmao. Anyway you guys are in for a treat tonight- people swear they're going home even though they're not getting votes while others aren't even talking to me and I've already used majority to seal their fate. So a lot of games and drafts are getting wreckt tonight and you don't wanna miss it. Watch Crossroads tribal tonight at 10 pm EST!! 

Tribal is happening soon. I'm very nervous. Me, Autumn and Jake originally had a plan to get Ryan out, but apparently he has an idol he wants to use tonight, so we had to switch our target. Hopefully he still plays it. We are voting John out, and Rebecka is telling us she is with us, so hopefully he goes 4-3. Dane isn't voting with us so we can't rely on him to save us this time. Haley came to me earlier and asked me for a name. It was really weird. I know she went to Autumn and Jake as well. I don't know if she truly is desperate in this game or she thinks she can actually get information out of us. We told her Ryan, and she says she will write down any name at this point to not go home. There are 2 scenarios that could happen from this. 1. Haley goes immediately to Ryan, he plays the idol on himself and it is wasted. or 2. She votes out Ryan because she is so desperate to not go home. Then we vote out John, and then Ryan is left and knows that Haley flipped on him. Having those two here and not trusting each other would be great. I feel like Ryan has such a handle on John and Haley and we really need to split him away from those two. It's scary to think about the future, because I don't know if I will be there. A part of me wants to start planning my FTC speech and my f3 (which would most likely be Jake and Autumn) but Haley told me a few hours ago that John and Ryan were voting for me this round too. They think it's safest because my idol is gone. Now I' m stuck with just 2 coins that I'm impatiently waiting to exchange them for something. I'm really annoyed at Ryan and John constantly going against me and my side. I understand why Ryan is, I flipped on him and voted him out when we technically did have an alliance together (even though my heart wasn't in it). I just don't understand why I can't get along with John in this game. I have done nothing wrong to him. All I have done is listen to him and be lied to ever since merge started. It sucks that he has been so against me, especially because I thought we were good friends outside of this game, but he wants nothing to do with me, and he wants me out of the game so badly. I'm definitely getting votes tonight. I just don't know how many. Me Autumn and Jake are voting for John. If Rebecka joins us, we have majority. I just worry about any idol plays. It's getting to the end and people won't have much longer to use them. I need to compete hard in this upcoming immunity if I'm still here. Also I don't think me voting Ryan was the worst move anymore. Haley today told me that she thinks Rebecka voted for him, and I knew Ryan and John already think that. Also, another thing, I'm nervous that I may have lost some trust with Autumn and Jake over having the idol. Because I told Jake in pms first and then hours later he was like maybe we should tell autumn and I'll pretend I don't know, and I was like that sounds great. So I told them. But Autumn was a little hesitant with me when I told her. I hope it was just shock and not betrayal she felt. I really need these two to make it in this game. I couldn't even imagine having to strategize with Haley or John. 

Sooooooooo, I decided to make a move this round by pushing for Julia to go. I love Sam and Autumn but they want John out and are working with Rebecka to do it and I can't vote out John. I brought it up to John and Haley and then talked to Ryan and they seem down to do it. Rebecka seems to be extremely close to Dane, and Dane seems to have ties with just about everyone in this game...except me. I'm sorry but why should I vote out John who's always been honest with me and talks to me over Rebecka who hasn't bothered talking to me all game. I need to take some power away from Dane before he takes us all out.

Wow what a twist! Definitely didn't see Julia going home last night definitely miss her psycho ass. People are all on edge and think they are next to go and people don't know who has idols anymore in this game or who has half. I just hope we can keep the numbers and john, Ryan and myself will go to finals.

https://youtu.be/Unb-Fl7JsUQ

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 8 Confessionals

This is long overdue but I've been busy because my brother got married woooo! Okay so FINALLY WE MERGED! Jordan and I survived the hell tribe and we made it here. We had to lose Jay which absolutely sucks, I feel terrible for voting him out but I did what I think was the right thing. The biggest piece of news is that I was literally on the merge tribe for like 10 minutes and ended up FINDING THE IMMUNITY IDOL!! I WAS SO SHOCKED I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!! I haven't told anybody about it but I might....MIGHT....tell Jordan about it to show that I do trust him after wavering so much on my decision about potentially voting him out. We have an auction coming up, I hope I get something really cool from it! Bryce told me that he was the one that gave me the idol but Zach told me that he was the one that pushed for him to give it to me so I'm thankful to the both of them for that. I think I could get good with Carson, Zach, Bryce and Charlotte. Katie and I have bonded over our love of true crime, she's super nice and her connection to Jordan Pines is incredibly strong so we can do this. I believe that Copa isn't dead just yet. 

finally got into an alliance with charlotte and chris

i bid well at the auction and got a nifty apple that lets me sit out for a round #blessed

Finding out someone I want to work with is an Amy Schumer fan.... maybe shouldn't work with them :/. Jk!! But am I even DKSFJSD

zack just sent me this message "and im in kuang si (it’s a main season, if you know what those are) asdjfk" I dont know how to respond to that

Merge sweet merge! Okay so I'm officiallly in an alliance with Katie and Charlotte. We're the Senior Citizens. Katie is playing up to Jordan that she doesn't have any allies in hopes of him telling her any potential people from Ulta who might flip. Meanwhile I have to PUBLICLY pick 3 people to go to the wishing well with me. Obviously taking the Senior Citizens, but I then decided on Bryce because he was the only person not mention by Jordan as someone he thinks he's working with. Immunity just happened and as of right now I feel content with my score but some people are insane and will destroy me. I really hope I win because I feel like I'll get cut as soon as the opportunity arises.

me two days ago: I should probably try to be less hostile towards JP. me today: DISADVANTAGE GOES TO JP. i'd say i'm sorry but that would be a lie.

am i up to date on confessionals 

hope i dont go home probably should have used my advantage 

We merged!!! and im stressed as hell. i have NO idea what im doing. chris won this wishing well thing in the auction and took katie, charlotte, and bryce. so it set off alarms to me and zach so we're working on the me/willow/zach thing we were planning on before, we just have mroe of a reason now. the plan is: vote jordan pines this first round (even though hes trying to talk strategy with me and if eel bad bc i told charlotte to use the disadvantage on him) recruit luke and katie and vote chris out at final 8 and thats our plan so far bc... its hard to plan things in survivor! yeah i have no idea i hate the merge especialyl when i know where NO ONE sits

Whose got two thumbs and flopped at immunity? THIS GUY. But it's all good. We have two clear outsiders in the form of luke and Jordan. I feel bad because I genuinely like luke. I'm hoping we can get rid of Jordan and then I can swoop up precious baby luke to use him to get some of the ulta's I'm not close with out. For now, me, Katie, Carson, and charlotte are going for Jordan unless something drastic happens. 

I'm tired and I've been essentially goating myself this game yikes 

So at this point, it's the morning of the first merge tribal. Exciting? Yes! Nerve-wracking? Yes! Willow won immunity. I lowkey was going to force a tie because I know any intellectual could get 5 at most (Willow's smart, so I just expected it) then her comp adv. of -2 would ensure her a win since 3 is theoretically impossible. SHE GOT TWO! Good on her though! I overall chose not to snatch her score because I felt really bad, and it was with someone whom I potentially was going to work it or would work with. Speaking of, Willow, Carson and I formed a trio alliance. We both comprehend that the two Copa need to go soon. I think it'll be Jordan Pines this vote. However, a) I don't want Luke to go JUST yet, as we can utilize him, and b) the votes might flip and ADIOS me! I also have worrying speculation of an alliance including the newbies. This is purely because of whom Chris decided to take on his little... trip to the wishing well. It's just a little suspicious, considering Carson admitted to me he talks to Chris relatively every other day, so it was shocking. Nonetheless, it's a game decision, doesn't matter much.. My game plan from this point forward is to just try to be fairly more social. I've been talking to Chris and Katie a lil more. I'm on relatively good terms with Luke. Carson and I are best buddies. Willow is a LEGEND! - then we have Bryce, a king who I don't talk to much but is iconic. Charlotte, a literal icon. Jordan Pines! (that name along speaks for itself). It's going, I guess. We'll see ^-^

So I finally found the wishing well thing and I completed my task yay!! I can now see who votes who for one tribal but idk when im gonna use it tbh. I think I'll tell carson about it b/c hes my number 1. But for this vote i'm hoping itll be easy and be one of jordan/luke just gotta talk to the other ulta people.

Okay so I think its just gonna be the easy vote of Jordan? Hope its not too easy and im not too complacent

Here's the thing. Anyone who has ever played with me before, or knows me, knows that I pretty much play the same game. I stick with my alliance and only turn on them when I need to ... I'm not one for cannibalizing the alliance too early. But ... I'm bored. Everyone's quiet, no one's exciting me, and I really just want to watch the world burn. Do I like Jordan? Eh. Will he make the season more exciting? Absolutely. If I can convince Katie and Carson, or maybe Zach, to vote for Jordan ... the game will flip upside down.  I'm here for a little Chaos. 

is Jordan gonna die tonight? the answer probs wont surprise you as YES. AHHHHH. IM GOING HOME FUCK FUCK FUCK ME, FUCK YOU RYAN TEDDY PALMER. I am trying to save myself but i may be all out of lives.

I'm watching Shookstralian Survivor and writing a confessional, I hear this episode is iconic so I'm preparing! Michelle is winning btw! Okay so back to Cordillera Blanca...I didn't win immunity...Jordan didn't win immunity which means that both of us are vulnerable at tribal and one of us could potentially be going home tonight which is worst case scenario. As of now I think the votes are going to Jordan and I would be open to playing my idol on him but I would need to be 100% certain that I'm not getting votes because I DO NOT want to idol myself out. If I lose Jordan this round I do still have my Golden Monkey Idol to fall back on at the next tribal council so hopefully that work out in my favour. Right now Jordan and I are trying to pull in Charlotte, Katie and Zach to make a majority of 5 so that we can take over this tribe. Stay tuned...;) 

Did Jordan just save himself? MAYBE?????? If all goes according to plan,  me zach luke, charlotte and carson will vote for chris and blindside him 5-4. So #letsnotkilljordanpines

Omg so I have a randomized vote this round which really sucks but I sent in a fake vote so if people ask I can hopefully trick them also I'm shook I won immunity with4 guesses

So... charlotte wants to flip and zach does too which.. i gues?? djksd we with jordan andl uke.. a VERY tight duo pretty much, and its gonna be hard to break that, so we cant let them get far. but getting chris out right now?? idk if its right. im still a bit bitter over him not taking me to the wishing well [3:59:22 PM] Jordan Pines: same here <3 [4:00:34 PM] carson: (y) if i hear anything i tell u but just know I'm down with u lukle charlotte and zach [4:00:46 PM] Jordan Pines: same here <3 also jordan sent the same message to me twice which.. kinda shady but like i hope its not anything bad?? if he rats us out i dont think im the biggest target but like.. ya never know in this game. also idk if my social game is good bad or whatever, buti m hoping its good and it can propel me to a victory?? zach keeps saying hes my lapdog andj ust.. uh i dont want that i want to be equal allies. whatevs?? idk. also willow's vote is apparently randomized from what zach said and charrlote found where the iodl was hidden but it waas found so someone else has it... so idk. IDK i feel like flipping on the entire tribe and doing 5-4 the first vote is soooo risky. im thinking that me/zach can tell willow we're voting chris even though her vote is randomzied so she cant rlly do anything?? she doesnt talk  a lot of strategy because she takes awhile to respond but she's cool and id definitely say i trust her more than most people here. like bryce, i cant read him or chris. katie's cool but i feel like shes a bit fake to me like saying how much she trusts me when we dont talk that much?? and charlotte/jordan/luke just give weird vibes idk. only person i trust 100% is zach ig uess because we talk 24/7 and hes cool. hope this vote can go as planned, and im still kinda having cold feet, but like... i dont wanna lose jury votes so i either commit or go home.

hi can i have an episode title i came up with someone very clever here it goes: Why are all my tribe mates children like hey whats up welcome to lord of the fucking flies.

So this vote for the longest time was going to be Jordan. I was going to stick with it, but knowing me, I don't like boring games and it'd be predictable to do that. Charlotte came to me about voting out Chris. Not that directly, I guess, but mentioned flipping. I was down for it, but I wanted to talk to Carson. LUCKILY, she wanted to include Carson to, so we made an alliance ^-^ I believe right now the vote is sailing for Chris. I feel bad but it's the game, and you gotta do what you gotta do. No hard feelings. The game is tough. WHY DO I PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS ALL THE TIME ARGHGH