#i’ve been feeling incredibly lucky lately bc of the wonderful people in my life + feels even luckier to be back with the friendz in my phon | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hajimine · 4 years ago

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LEX’S 2020 APPRECIATION POST PT. II !

— to the lovely moots & followers who i talk to quite often (or pretty much everyday), this one’s for you.

thank u for being in my life, you made my 2020 so so much better. i’m so grateful october lex decided to make a tumblr acc 🥲

i’ll try my best to keep it kinda short 🥲👍

in alphabetical order:

@4fterh0urs — my omega phoebe 😩‼️ ily so much bc you’re both extremely stupid n extremely smart at the same time. u mean so much to me and i love talking to u even if u call me such weird as nicknames every damn day 😃 you’re so sexy n hella intimidating smfh idk how i was able to make u my bitch (JK PLS DONT KILL MEE) anyways, thanks for being a real one bae + you’re the person i block the most, so you’re special ig 😹👍 ily you’re actually such a sap but u pretend to be all tough heh <33

@archivednikes — my solar system, my wh*re (lovingly) hi bae 😣 ok yk how much i love u but. im gonna tell u again: ILYSM!! OKAY??? please know that you’re such an amazing human being and you’re SO incredibly talented. god i love u so much please take care of yourself baby, you’re always so kind to other people and i hope you can do the same to yourself. once again, i am so fucking glad you decided to slide into my inbox that day, because now i look forward to talking to you every single morning. insert grabby hands ilysm <33

@boosyboo9206 — onyx hi babes! i’m so so grateful for you omg u dont even know it. you always manage to cheer me up with your antics and you’re always here to support me 🥺 whenever i’m down you somehow aways manage to make me feel a lil better. i love talking to u whether it’s about sth as mundane as the weather or even your obsession with the word peepers. thank you for being you, please take care of yourself and stop sleeping so damn late. ilysm <33

@ch4jime — chloe bae!! 😁 hi omg ilysm you’re so cute and cool and nice urghh thanks for always checking up on me! i love love seeing you in my asks, you’re such a lovely person to be around. i seriously need to be better at dropping in other people’s inbox, so just know that i’ll work on hanging out on your blog more often this year bc ily! i wish u all the best and please never stop being you baby mwah <33

@fairyoomi — hi bae 😣😣 how are u?? i know we don’t talk much anymore, and that’s okie, but i still wanna write u this lil note because i’m so thankful i met you here on tumblr. you’re an amazing writer and u were so sweet to me even when i was a teeny blog who didn’t know anyone. i admire u a lot, yknow? thanks for being such a friendly and welcoming person, ily <33

@gu3to — mochi bestieo 🙀 idk if you’ll even see this smh so i’m just gonna text u after this (if i don’t forget to rip) okay so. hello?! you’re so mf cool and you’re a trendsetter 🤩 yes yes im fueling your god complex it’s bc ily smh. you’re so dumb i wanna choke u sometimes but i won’t bc i’m also just as dumb 😁 pls stop disappearing from the face of the Earth okay ilysm you always keep it real and i know i can always count on u to listen to uh... my shit. okay so when are we gonna make out? 🤨 oki bye <33

@hoekageyama — wifey!! maddie baby urghh yk how much i love you, you’re one of my earliest moots im pretty sure? and aaaaa i’m so so glad i decided to be weird as hell and slide into your asks that day (pancreas. sighs. iconic.) you’re my numero uno whenever i wanna bark about hot 2d boys and what i’d let em do to me coughs err yea hehe. please take care of yourself baby you’re such a sweet and kind and loving person and i’m so glad to have you in my life. smh we text each other lovey dovey texts anyway but i still wanna do this for u 😋 ilysm!!! <33

@honeyskawa — lani baby hi! i know you haven’t been super active lately, but i just wanna tell u that i appreciate u so so much!! you honestly made my goddamn week when u sent me that ask about how i inspired you bc what the heck?? never in my life have i expected to have such an impact on someone. you’re a wonderful writer honestly. i love u so much and i hope everything’s going well baby, i’m excited talk to u more whenever you decide to be active on tumblr again <33

@jougogo — kaybae hi!!! you haven’t been on tumblr much lately but hi sexc it’s me lex lol i’ve moved accs hehe 😎 i hope u see this whenever u get your phone back cries. you’re such an amazing person to be around, always so cheerful and friendly, you exude so much positive vibes and ilysm. you always manage to lift up the mood with your sexc self and i admire u for that. you’re so incredibly chaotic and fun to be around ahrgehxhh i appreciate u sm and i hope you’re taking care of yourself bby ily <33

@kemochie — my waluigi, my favorite f*rry, hi 😝 urghhh god we just started talking everyday pretty recently but god. you’re so funny??? and i love bullying u bc u give me so much material to bully u with (ok jkjk i love u that’s why i bully u smh) also, you’re so incredibly supportive and u were actually the one who pushed me to finally post that atsumu fic, even tho stupid me accidentally deleted it LMAOBSBD anw, u bring sm joy in my life, so thank u for that. we’re a small lil filf and you’re the milf to my dilf LMAO ilysm mwah!! <33

@kenmaki — gabbae! virgo bestie!! hi hi !! you’re such a talented person and you’re an amazing writer, and i hope one day u can get past your insecurities and see yourself as the wonderful person u truly are. i love how we were able to relate to each from how similar virgos think + our initial conversation of dick measurements and such will forever be seared into my memory. and congrats on getting a daily railing on the dash HSBDH i don’t look at em i promise lol 🤩🤩 jdbdhdh ilysm bby <33

@miyams — ren sweet babie hi! you’re so incredibly talented please don’t listen to stupid hate anons. i’ll stab them with a serrated knife if i have to 😠🔪 you’re so flippin cute and sweet i love talking to you, and i love love love whenever u come by my inbox to say hi. i hope we can talk even more in 2021, my dms and asks are always open for u bby (even though i suck at replying right away, sorry abt that huhu) i love u sm baby please take care of yourself <33

@miyasangel — ardie bae 😜 hi sexc!! i still cant believe we talk like everyday now lmaoo i used to think you’re so freaking cool (i still do) and now i’m friends w u whattaheck 🥲 you’re such an amazing writer wtf. i hate that we had to start our friendship on such a sour note (ehem discord ehem) but i’m really glad it brought us closer together. ily cockarden i’ll be sure to bully u even more HAHAGS IM JK makes out w u so hard bc you’re so damn hot ily 😣‼️ <33

@owlywrites — owly baby hello! ily so so much and you’re so talented, you deserve so much recognition. i hope i can read more of your fics soon bc they’re so well written ugh 😣 thanks for always checking up on me and always being so incredibly sweet. i love u so so muchhh huhu i wanna give u the biggest hug in the world :( please take care of yourself and never stop being your genuine self kith kith <33

@rilacry — milfy gorlillola 😜😜‼️ hi sexc. omfg i was so intimidated by u wtf (and i still kinda am smh) bc you’re so cool?? and your writing n carrd making skills are amazing as hell wtf. u just exude BDE bc you’re hella hot AND bc u wanna peg everyone. anyways,, i’m glad we got closer recently, even if it was out of really wack circumstances. ily bae pls stop sticking your memojis everywhere mwah <33

@rintaroll — my kue tete ☹️☹️ ilysm smh bye i can’t believe we’re close now wtf you’ve always been so cool and sexc 😩‼️ oh god i rmb when u were still on your old acc and u seemed so out of reach and i was a lil intimidated ANDBDJD SHHH but yea now ik you’re just a big h word dork and i love u for that 😣 i wish u all the best for your singing career bby you’re such a talented writer AND singer wtf. also you’re so pretty???? wtf how rude 😠 JKJK HAHHSBD ilysm kithes u so hard <33

@tetsoleil — geegee!! hi baby 😣 thanks for being such a sweet human being ily! it’s been a while since we actually talked yeah? but i still want u to know that i love u a lot and i appreciate u so much. i’m so so grateful you’re in my life because you’re such a joy to be around. you’re an amazing writer bby and i hope you get the recognition u deserve. i’m always here for u if u need anything. ilysm bby <33

@velvetfireworks — rachie bae 🤩 my bakso goreng, my golden kiwi!!! ily!! hehe im so glad i decided to slide in your dms when u asked me if i was indo. but ahhhh you’re ao sweet and cute and supportive ilysm. an amaaazing writer and i admire your work so much, but i think you’ve heard me say that multiple times before. i’m so glad we became closer recently through our love for greasy food and wonky lil faces 👁💋👁 kith kith ilysm <33

@yato-o — yato baby hi!! urgh honestly i appreciate u so so much?? i feel so lucky to be able to get to know you. i don’t even remember how we met but ahhh thank u for always stopping by and have a chat with me even though i know you’re a busy person. please take care of yourself and get some rest whenever u need to! don’t feel pressured to come on here if you’re tired baby, im so grateful to have u in my life, i luv youu <33

HAPPY NEW YEAR YOU SEXY BAES!

kisses, lex

#💬#bye this took me so long #the biggest kithes for u all mwa

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spencersawkward · 4 years ago

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hi i know this might sound weird but i just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me... you genuinely make my day whenever i see your posts and i hope you know how important you are to your followers. my day can be going absolutely AWFUL and then i’ll read a post of yours and feel a little bit better :,) like i said this is probably weird because we haven’t interacted before but just know that i don’t just love your writing or your blog, but i love 𝚢𝚘𝚞 too.

i just felt like you had the right to know whose day you’ve impacted and how powerful your blog really is. sure it may just seem like a bunch of people posting fantasy’s about a fictional doctor from criminal minds, but it so so much more than that! you have created a safe space for us to come to and it’s become a beautiful outlet that cannot be replaced. you’re really fucking special and i just wanted you to know that.

plus you are INSANELY talented and you create such intricate character arcs with dazzling storylines that keep me up at night in the best way possible. you need to know that whenever you click that post button and share your incredible work, you are helping someone escape whatever fucked up reality that they may be going through and that is so so important.

this might be tmi and you might be like “omg who is this bitch in my dms telling me personal shit. 💀” but fuck it imma tell you anyways.

i live with my grandmother and take care of her and it’s been so stressful recently because she’s been very sick. she has dementia and she doesn’t remember who i am or where she is half of the time. she’s gotten violent and has hit me and tried to escape multiple times and we now have professionals coming in to check on her and we have people here to watch her. i graduate in just a few months and trying to get school done when my grandmother is wandering around crying and screaming because she doesn’t know where she is is almost impossible. she was upset the other day because her cat wouldn’t talk to her. i had to explain that cats cannot physically speak. it’s genuinely fucking crazy and your blog has seriously helped me get my mind off of things.

anyways i will leave you alone now lol but i just thought you should be aware by how much you mean to me. even though we don’t talk, i feel a sort of fruendship with you and your writing has sparked motivation in me to start writing again and i need to thank you for keeping me sane. life would be a lot harder without you

i literally just saw this but i’m gonna cry 😭 this is so so sweet. like it’s gonna seem like a lame response in comparison to what you just had the courage to share, but only bc i’m like... at a loss?

first of all, i’m so sorry about your grandmother. genuinely. i know that’s hard to communicate over the internet but please know that my heart is with you 100% and that my messages are always open if you wanna talk or anything. i’m proud of you for working through it and handling such a difficult situation so well.

it’s ok that we haven’t interacted before— don’t worry! i feel like i’m friends with all the people that read my work 😊 like we already have a bit of a bond i think. as a writer, this is like all i wanna hear— i mean that. making that connection and helping people is all i wanna do with my life so thank you for not only sharing such an intimate part of your story with me (and i guess whomever is reading this lol), but also for just bringing me to tears?

i feel really lucky to be on here every day and talk to all of you wonderful souls, but this kind of stuff especially digs into my heart and fills it with sunshine. i’m SO GLAD you feel inspired to write again, too!! please please do! (also tag me if you ever end up posting it!)

anyway this is getting long but only bc i literally adore you 🥰 i’ve been feeling really insecure about my writing lately tbh so this also lifted my spirits. thanks for coming on here and being so kind. i don’t have words for how much that means to me— and just how happy i am that you feel safe here. don’t be afraid to reach out again, love 💜

#this is so long i’m sorry #i have so much love in my fucking heart for you guys #UGH 😤

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kylorengarbagedump · 5 years ago

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Little Bird: Chapter 27 (NSFW)

Read on AO3. Part 26 here. Part 28 here.

Summary: You were having such a good time before you were reminded of what you needed to be doing for the Resistance.

Words: 5000

Warnings: glove kink

Characters: Kylo Ren x Handmaid!Reader

A/N: >tfw you have your husband wear the shoes of your other husband bc you're a slut for a silver-tipped boot

Hello! I just wanted to say I was kind of blown away by the feedback I got for last chapter? Thank you guys so much? If you're unaware, my life has been sort of crazy, lately--if you google Kylo Ren, an article about Fix Your Attitude is currently the first result, haha.

I've deeply appreciated all the support, engagement, and love I've received for my writing. This fic is the apple of my eye, and being lucky enough to have people connect with it and enjoy it is truly THE gift for any writer, at all. I can't thank y'all enough, some of whom have been reading the garbage I crank out for like, 4 years. It's absolutely humbling and baffling, to me.Anyway, enough of my rambling.

Hope you enjoyed the fucking, because, to quote my true love, we're not done yet.

The sun had set. The party had begun hours ago.

You’d remained upstairs during the opening service, the three-course meal, folding and flipping the hem on your dress. The fabric was slippery, soft, a cold creek on your skin--refreshing, liquid relief, filling your lungs with air that had never known enslavement. It was enough to trick you for seconds into thinking that you could slink down the steps without hesitation, find your Commander’s eyes in the crowd, and sidle up to him. Like his partner.

But the lightless loneliness of your room crushed that dream.

A knock on the door, a hammerfist. “The Commander requests you.”

You blushed--your cheeks were tight. “All right.”

Greeting the Knight at your door, you followed him into the hall, down the steps. He didn’t even pay you a second glance, but you’d kept your bonnet and your boots, not brave enough yet to let your hair hang free in front of anyone but Kylo Ren. Descending into the home, the tinkle of piano keys floated through your ears, joined by the babbling of strangers. The reality of it smacked you--you were about to reveal yourself to a crowd in a champagne-pink gown, with your wrists peeking out and your ankles kissed by chiffon. Your heart thumped--thank God you weren’t in space, or you might have confused the heavy pain with an alien ready to burst through your chest.

Following dinner, light in the home was supplied only by strategic white candles placed on hall tables; you felt like a concubine, being led through a castle passage to the king, scurrying with your black-clad escort aided only by tiny flames. He guided you to the piano room, stopping at the threshold, but you were frozen. Just beyond the Knight you spied a few dozen people congregated together, some chatting, a few couples dancing to the music. You couldn’t stand the thought of moving, of entering that room as if you belonged.

But you were a survivor. You did belong. After all, this was Ren’s idea--not yours.

You swallowed, stuck your chin out, the click of your boots resonating up your calves as you crossed into the piano room. At first, you were invisible, an observer--you spied Armitage and Dolpheld chatting with an older, silver-haired man. The rest were faces you didn’t recognize, except for two: Finn and Rey, swaying in rhythm, murmuring to each other under the melody. And then, at the back of the room, almost hidden by the crowd, you glimpsed him--your Commander, staring off into the wall while Johana, serene and smitten, guided him through a reluctant waltz. Something speared your gut. No dress in the world would afford you the ability to earn the space she occupied.

So strange you could envy her position under a man who was the very enforcer of your conflict.

The first people to spot you were Rey and Finn, pausing in confusion as they reconciled your appearance with their knowledge of your role. The next couple noticed them noticing you--and it spread. As if in a recording, each new person glimpsed you and stopped, a slow-pause of shock rippling from the epicenter of your dress. The final pairs of eyes belonged to Johana and Kylo Ren, their gazes searing you simultaneously. Her expression collapsed to something strange, muscles twitching with disbelief, a wave of horror spilling over her face. She blinked, an apparent impulse to tear herself away, but despite it, kept staring.

It was then that finally, crowd parted, you saw him--and the ground opened, a pit of lust swallowing you whole.

Commander Kylo Ren, in leather gloves, tugged at his sleeve, a black velvet jacket cut tight to his frame, open to a brocade waistcoat. A shift of his feet, wrapped in pointed, silver-toed boots, a tapered end to the trousers that were slim against his long, powerful legs. At his breast pocket, a sterling chain hung loose from his lapel, glinting in the candlelight, highlighting the absence of a tie. And his hair, full and thick, brushed his shoulders in raven waves, the crown swept into a loose, soft bun at the back of his head. He captured you in his gaze, paralyzing you, desire dripping from his eyes.

Despite being fully concealed, you’d never felt more naked, more exposed. And you’d never wanted a man more than you wanted him, in this moment, in your entire life.

The tension in the room ballooned, every person looking between you and Ren, and Johana squeezed her husband’s hands.

“So!” The insincerity of her smile bled through her teeth. “I suppose the Commander would like to make his announcement… regarding, uh…” She blinked. “This, uh…”

“The existence of Handmaids is an unfortunate necessity.” Ren’s gaze traveled over you in millimeters, cementing your image to his mind. “Recent rashes of disappearances and suicides threaten this necessity. Experimenting with small allowances--increasing satisfaction with Gilead--may provide us with greater compliance.” His lids fell in a slow blink, his stare met yours again; the glittering ache inside it failed to match his words. “And who better to advise me in this venture than a Handmaid herself.”

“Yes, that’s right.” Johana patted Ren’s hand, like she’d been part of the plan all along. Her attention kept dancing over the details of your dress, as if there was something familiar there. “It’s important that our Handmaid feels loved in our home. A part of our family. We’re so proud of what she’ll be helping to bring other Handmaids in Gilead.” She grinned at you, opening her arm, inviting you into this new family portrait. “Isn’t that right, Ofkylo?”

Every gaze in the room rested on you. You looked to Ren, then to her. “Yes, it is.” Nodding, you crossed the room, face hot as you allowed her to coil an arm around your shoulders and squeeze you just slightly too tight. The guests gawked, murmuring between themselves as Johana’s nails dug like talons into your flesh.

“He’s really so brilliant,” Johana said, gazing up at her husband. He was impassive. “That reminds me!”

She shoved you off, and you stumbled forward into the crowd, catching the twitch of concern under Ren’s lid. Affection and excitement tickled your skin, a buzz at the back of your brain. Being acknowledged as his advisor to the public was somehow thrilling, despite it marking you as complicit in Gilead’s clutches. It wasn’t the position--you had no intention of advising him--more so that for a moment, in his eyes, you’d been someone. You clung like a leech to these hints of his affection, of his acknowledgement of your personhood.

An arm tugged you around, a whisper in your ear. “Meet us in the downstairs washroom in twenty minutes.” Rey’s voice.

You cleared your throat and nodded, disappearing further through the guests, toward the entrance, hoping to escape the attention that swarmed you. At some point, you’d need to find an opportunity to slip away.

“As many of you know, Commander Snoke’s Wife, Christine, is now a Widow.” Johana was ushering some of the Wives forward, their husbands watching them with suspicion. “Many of you also know how my late husband, Moden Canady, died in service of founding Gilead. What I found helpful…”

“Ren lets her talk far too much.” In front of you was the silver-haired man, leaning in to mutter to Armitage. “What’s this Handmaid nonsense he’s going on about?”

Armitage peered over his shoulder at you, annoyingly smug smirk plastered on his lips--you were beginning to wonder if it was a permanent fixture. “Ren’s young and inexperienced. He won’t be around for long. Neither will his plans.”

You frowned, crossing your arms. “One might think you’d be the one person supportive of his allowances for Handmaids.”

A flicker of fear crossed his face. “What?”

Johana clapped her hands. “So what I’ve devised is a prayer circle. Here’s how it will work…”

The crowd was shifting, gathering toward Johana, the bustle and music swallowing the cadence of her voice. Behind you, the Knight Templar stood at the threshold, a silent sentinel. Part of you wanted to continue sniping at Armitage. The other part realized that with murmurs of dissent already apparent, you couldn’t guarantee who the Knight was there to protect. ‘

Ren--or you?

You set your jaw, offering Armitage a brief curtsy.

“Excuse me.” The distraction created a serendipitous opportunity to escape. You went to pass the Knight, who blockaded your exit. “The washroom, sir.”

He glanced beyond you, and you followed his gaze. There, you saw your Commander, and heat rushed you again, a tangible longing that whirled like wildfire across the crowd, stoked the both of you, two flittering moths, in its flame. God, he looked incredible--you could devour him, like this, and you knew he’d stormed with that same need since he’d raked you over in your dress.

Ren nodded at his Knight, and the spell broke. Right. You were meeting with the Resistance. Shaking the hunger from your eyes, you realized he had stepped aside, allowing you to pass. With your head bowed, you shuffled into the hall, quick steps taking you to the washroom around the corner, and you escaped beyond the door.

Incandescent mirror lights gleamed on shiny subway tile, stark along the black accents in the floor trim and the polished clawfoot tub at the far wall. You stared at your reflection in the mirror, resting on the sleek ceramic sink, cheeks still glowing. The dress looked better on you under this lighting, the chiffon almost lustrous against your skin. No wonder Ren had been so entranced. The idea pressed your thighs together.

Focus. Thoughts flurried as you anticipated Rey and Finn’s arrival, what they’d want from you, what you’d say. It was true--you’d been a pitiable spy, so far. All you’d managed to do in your tenure for the Resistance was get fucked by and cum on your Commander’s cock (oh, and get bathed in blood and call him Daddy--you shuddered). Something told you that wasn’t the type of subversive action they’d been counting on. At the same time, you felt at a loss for what to do, regardless. He’d destroyed his information cache, and he’d spent the past couple of weeks recovering from injury.

It was frustrating, to feel more hope for your future with Kylo Ren than your future with the Resistance. You seemed perfectly capable urging him toward minor change, but when it came to taking action for the group that actually had your freedom in mind, you floundered, a hapless child.

The door opened, you spun--it’d only been about 30 seconds since you’d entered--and in slid your Commander, eyes trained on you while he locked it behind him. You blinked.

“Comman--”

Ren snatched your hips, spinning you over and shoving you onto the sink as his lips smothered yours. That flame from the piano room roared, drenched in the fuel of your connection, your skin flickering to life. Your fingers dove into his hair, wringing around his luscious waves, and he groaned, slipping his tongue into your mouth, a large hand coming to cup your head, to trap you there, the other coasting up and down your side.

Your legs spread for him, welcoming him, cunt already throbbing in anticipation. For a brief second, you pushed away, running your hands over his velvet chest, taking a moment to admire him, to soak in how absolutely fucking beautiful he looked. Ren did the same, seeming new, somehow, a reverent awe in his gaze, not just feral, but tormented, needing to have you in his arms. His lip twitched, and he kissed you again, jerking you closer, sucking in air through his nose while his tongue swirled over yours.

Whimpering, you caressed his shoulders, up his neck, finding his hair once more, fingers teasing the warm, hidden shell of his ears. At this, his back crested, and he moaned, pitching forward, nearly shoving you into the basin as he trembled.

“Fuck,” he breathed. “You’re fucking beautiful.” He flipped up your dress, warm leather smoothing over your skin. “I need to make you cum.”

A shiver shook you from the base of your spine, and you curled your legs around him, core clenching hard. Your hips rolled forward, seeking his touch, and he grazed your pussy over your underwear, thumb ghosting your clit through the fabric. You squeaked, and he silenced you with his mouth, tugging at the fabric until he’d fit his thick fingers under the hem. The spark of leather-on-skin earned a groan from your throat, and you combed through his hair, meeting the fervor of his kiss.

Ren peeled away, gasping, watching you as he slid a digit through your hot slit, his breath hitching. “So wet for me,” he murmured. “And all mine...” He dragged a slickened gloved finger over your clit, the sensation new and delicious--you quivered, biting your lip. “Only for me…”

You nodded, inching forward, the only articulate words escaping as please, please, please.

“I’ll make you cum here,” he said, “and I’ll make you cum again before the party’s over.” He leaned close, his middle and fourth finger teasing your entrance, lips hovering over your ear. “And by the end of the night, the only thing this pretty mouth will be able to say is my name.”

“Oh--” you began, and he plunged into you. “God!”

He snickered. “Wrong name.”

Ren crooked his fingers in your cunt, focused on your flushing face, the tempo of your intermittent gasps, his breath shallow as you clenched and pulsed around him. A leather thumb traced rapid little lines around your swollen clit, the seams tripping over the nub, and you snuffed a whimper in your chest, staring at him. He wet his lips, pressing his mouth to yours in a brief kiss as he snapped his wrist, curling and scissoring inside of you. His hips rocked with his rhythm, and you saw the outline of his impressive erection straining at his pants. Your hand burned to stroke it, to feel it.

Chewing your cheek, you reached for him, grasping at his trousers, unzipping them and tugging everything down his thighs, length springing free, smacking his clothed stomach. He barely seemed to notice, so lost in the heat of your cunt in his hand. You scooted closer and wrapped your fingers around his warm, heavy cock--he choked, jabbing you deep, forcing a quaky breath from your lungs. Swallowing, you tightened your fist and stroked him, watching him from half-lidded eyes.

He throbbed, twitched under your grip, blood biting his cheeks when you coated his head with the bead of his pre-cum, and his breath was uneven, tattered from the weight of lust--but so was yours. Ren circled your stiff nub, pumping his fingers into your pussy, and pleasure wracked you, pouring into your pulse like perfect poison--a feeling you should never have wanted, but would now die without.

“Christ,” you mumbled, “Commander--”

“We’re alone.”

“I’m your advisor now, though.” You managed a half-smirk. “If we’re caught--I wouldn’t want anyone thinking this was anything more than an official handjob.”

Ren tilted his head, something devilish and dark and amused in his gaze--and then he kissed you again, shoving his tongue past your teeth, canting his hips in pace with your hand. He was smooth and silky and so big--in the back of your head, you couldn’t believe you’d taken all of him--the memory had you clench and groan into him, and his cock throbbed in your palm. The air was humid, thick with sex, dizzying you, shooting static through your skin.

“Fuck,” he muttered against your mouth, “you’re so tight…”

You hummed in delight. “And you’re so hard…”

He eased back, meeting your eyes, both of you slowing to stop as something slammed you in succession, a chasm of greed opening between your bodies. A snap, an ignition--in one smooth movement, you’d released him while his fingers left your core and yanked your underwear to the side, cock thrusting into you with a sweet sting. Ren hissed in bliss, sheathing himself in your heat.

“Yes…” He grappled your hips, encasing them in leather, fucking into you, watching his dick disappear into your pussy. “This is what you wanted all along, isn’t it?” he muttered. “To be my little whore?”

You nodded, mouth dropped in ecstasy, head fighting not to fall back onto your shoulders. “Yes, Commander…”

“I knew it the moment I saw you in this dress, staring at me, pleading to get fucked.” Shuddering at his own words, he groaned, shifting closer, murmuring into your ear. “I want to fill this cunt up with my cum...” He strangled a moan in his throat, pounding you, pinning your hips against his. “I want it to drip down your legs when you walk out of this room…”

“Please...”

To your intoxicated mind, nothing sounded better than dripping with the cum of the most beautiful man on the planet. Desire had consumed you both, his pace embodying complete desperation, a frenzied, urgent need to bring you both to orgasm. Ren’s strokes were rough, painful, incredible, your breath catching up with your brain, the euphoric fullness of his cock ready to fling you to another plane. And then his gloved thumb slid over your clit, beating it in time with his thrusts--you cracked, crying out.

“Yes!”

“That’s right,” Ren growled, “that’s right--you’re mine, you’re mine...” He pressed his lips to yours, short and sharp. “I can cum inside you whenever I want. I can make you cum whenever I want...” He was slamming you deep, panting with every snap of his hips, your pussy hot and slick and pulsing with your oncoming climax. “Cum for me.” He kissed you again, mouth millimeters from yours. “Cum on my cock, little bird. Let me make you whole…”

Rapture numbed you, at the edge of your skin, a typhoon ready to wreck you witless. “Commander,” you whispered, “I’m--”

A knock on the door. Both of you froze, fear puncturing the pulsating swell of pleasure with a wheeze. Your skin crackled, oxygen returning to your blood, and you felt him seated inside you, throbbing at the base, a furious demand to cum. The denial of release snipped your nerves to stubs--and judging by the tension in his jaw, Ren was doing no better. He looked to you expectantly.

You swallowed, cleared the hunger from your throat. “Oc-occupied.”

“Oh.” It was Rey again. Dammit. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “We’ll wait for you out here!”

Ren raised a brow. In a way, it was good that in this moment, he was still half-hard, stuck inside you--he wouldn’t get to know who the members of the Resistance were that had dared to show to his installation celebration. You shifted away, but he gripped you, held you there, waiting for you to respond, his stare inspiring sweat at the back of your neck. Unfraid, you held his gaze. He’d said himself that your association with the Resistance didn’t concern him. Even though that had been before he’d taken over.

“Meet me by the annex stairs.” You took a long breath, clenching around the girth of his dick--but he was already slipping free. “There’s too much going on here.”

“Got it,” she said. “See you in five.”

After a silent, awkward moment had passed, Ren tugged you against him, stuffing his softening cock into you, and you squealed. “You’re still meeting with the Resistance.”

“I am.” You wouldn’t let your chin tremble. “I thought you weren’t concerned.”

He considered you, muscle fluttering under his eye. “I’m not,” he said. “You’re fortunate that I’ve spent too much time already away from my guests. Any other occasion would see me hanging them tomorrow.” Pushing off of the sink, he tucked himself away. “Another day, then.”

His brow drawn low, Ren ran his gloved hands underneath the water before wiping them clean. He said nothing, spearing you with a glare before he unlocked the door and stalked into the hall. A slow sigh escaped you, and you wrung the guilt from your heart. His small concessions hadn’t changed your position--he must have known that. So why did he have to seem so hurt?

And your body was still wondering why it hadn’t gotten the orgasm it had been wanting since you’d drank him in. You eased yourself onto the ground, wincing at how swollen your pussy still felt between your thighs, and shook it off, making your way to the stairs.

You found Finn and Rey, posted near the landing rails, and you snuck up to them, head on a swivel.

“I just scouted,” Finn said. “Ren’s in the piano room. We’re clear for the next few minutes.”

“Got it.” You blushed, realizing that they had no idea that just moments ago, he’d been in you. “What’s going on?”

“What’s going on?” Rey said, a sly grin on her face. She gestured to your outfit. “What’s going here?”

A tornado in your mind, words you wanted to say: I can’t stop fucking my Commander. I think about him constantly. Together, we drew vines, and when he held my hand, I didn’t hate him. Since Gilead, I’m lost, but in his eyes, I feel found. He wants to own me. Sometimes I want that, too.

Instead, you said, “I’ve ingratiated myself. He thinks I’m so eager to change Gilead.” You snorted. “It’s a perfect opportunity to do whatever you guys need.”

“That’s great!” Rey said. “I knew you had it in you.”

You’d had something in you, all right. “Thanks,” you said. “It was… nothing.”

“There’s rumblings already in the lower ranks,” Finn said. “Some are thinking that Ren staged a coup and got the Knights to cover it up.”

For some reason, your heart sank.

“With how quickly he took over, the changes he plans to make…” He looked between you and Rey. “There’s heavy suspicion. But with Christine’s testimony, the lack of evidence, they can’t prove anything.” Now he stared at you. “You were there. Do you know what happened?”

More words at your tongue: We killed Commander Snoke together. He saved my life. I saved his. We fucked in the blood of Snoke’s men. The water ran red while Ren filled me with cum. The air was soaked with death. I’d never felt so alive.

But instead: “It’s like Christine says. A guard killed Snoke.”

It confused you when it left your mouth.

“Damn.” Rey frowned, crossing her arms, and glanced at Finn. “Do you think he set it up, somehow? Maybe he was working with the guard? There has to be some proof, somewhere that he orchestrated this. He couldn’t have done it alone.”

Just upstairs, in your room, you had the knife--the switchblade Ren had given you, still crusty with Snoke’s blood. It was physical proof that you’d been there, that you’d stabbed him, that you and Ren had lit the match together. You could, in this moment, hand it over, tell them the entire sordid story, begin your own journey toward emancipation. You could watch Ren crumble, and let him take Gilead down as he fell.

A simple choice. It should’ve been a simple choice.

Yet all you could remember was kneeling at Snoke’s feet, Ren’s gaze meeting yours, and the incontestable truth you’d felt there--that against any of the impossible odds in that home, he was choosing you. And that in that moment, for reasons you still couldn’t know or understand, you’d chosen him, too.

“I’ll see if I can find anything,” you said, knowing you wouldn’t even begin to look.

Poe’s words, you’re a survivor, floated through your mind. He was right--you were surviving. But maybe you didn’t really deserve to.

“Great.” Rey patted your shoulder in camaraderie. “This is tough work you’re doing.”

“But look where you’ve gotten yourself so far!” Finn made a motion along his body, as if he’d put on a dress, too. “You’re obviously doing something right. Just keep it up. You’ll crack it.”

You were doing something right, if that something was getting fucked by your Commander in the washroom during his own party celebrating his installation as the leader of a totalitarian government. You’d been doing a great job at that, actually, until the group meant to unshackle you from slavery interrupted you. A shame, that.

“We should get back to the party,” Rey said. “Being gone too long looks suspicious. You head in first. We’ll catch up in a bit.”

You nodded.

The sensitivity between your legs still needed time to disappear, but you were able to make your way back to the piano room without waddling. The piano’s autoplayer was now running through a raucous, jaunty tune--it sounded like Largo al factotum. Not that you were a music expert, but you’d learned enough to know that. Either way, you were thankful for the noise that muffled the sound of your boots as you breezed past the Knight Templar and back into the music room. You tried to weave your way through to crowd toward Ren--even with the Knight here, you felt like every pair of eyes had pinned a target to your back.

You found him in the corner of the room, far from the piano, in conversation (debate?) with Armitage. Johana was at his side, her arms crossed.

“There’s plenty of ways we could be utilizing these precious resources,” Armitage said. “You insist on wasting them on something as fickle as reconditioning.”

“Fickle.”

“Yes, fickle.” He scoffed. “When we already have a fully-trained infantry. What we should be focusing on is building our navy. The biggest threats come from--”

Ren flicked his wrist in dismissal. “The biggest threats come from the West coast,” he said. “California, in particular, has made overt threats toward the Republic of Gilead.”

The chatter of the crowd was dying as the two men traded barbs, focus being drawn to the little corner where you’d hoped to disappear. Largo al factotum entered its second chorus. You’d remained silent, but Johana still managed to spot you. Her gaze darted over your dress again, and she narrowed her eyes.

“What is your goal, then, Ren?” Armitage still looked smug, even in challenge. “England has already made threats to assist the West if we push forward with any sort of idiotic manifest destiny--”

“The goal is to sanctify the rest of the continent.” Ren regarded Armitage as if he were, by any measure, the dumbest person on Earth. “Reconditioning our forces will make it possible for us to expand our reach to the West coast. To crush any opposition.”

“Crush.” The lilt in Armitage’s voice didn’t make sense until you realized, in horror, his attention was on you. The melody soared. It was only after he’d noticed you that Ren finally turned to see you, too. “An interesting word to use, Ren.” He paused, making sure he had the attention of the other guests. The piano pounded a rapid repetition of notes. “What exactly are you crushing by giving yourself a second Wife?”

He’d said it loud enough that the back of the crowd could hear. The piano had paused, a full rest in the music. If you’d been wearing your Handmaid uniform, you imagined your face would have been redder than your dress. Ren’s nostrils flared. And the piano picked up without irony.

Johana shrugged, a tiny smirk on her face. “Don’t be silly, Commander Hux,” Johana said. “Of course, we love our Handmaid… but a Handmaid could never hope to be a Wife.” She looked to Ren. “They earn those positions, don’t they? By going against the Bible?” Now back to you. “Who, for heaven’s sake, would ever want to be married to someone like that?”

Your fingers trembled, and you glanced at your Commander. He hadn’t said a word, but hardly seemed passive. Instead, there was a hint of intrigue in his gaze. Curiosity. Observing you, waiting to see what you’d do. Another rest in the music. You took it as permission.

“Interesting assumption the both of you have made,” you said, a model advisor. “After all, I don’t believe most Handmaids are asking for marriage.” This time you met Armitage’s stare again. “Unless wearing a new dress means you secretly want a life partnership.”

He frowned, jaw tight. “So, will we all be afforded advisors, then, Ren?” he said. “Or is this how you reward yourself?”

“Why would a man who makes no decisions of value require an advisor?” Ren replied.

He raised a hand, beckoning you forward with two leather fingers. The memory of where those fingers had been just minutes ago made you shiver--you obeyed, taking a space next to him, opposite of Johana. Largo al factotum entered its third chorus. Her face trembled with scorn.

“Roles are essential, but not permanent. We see shifting all the time--Angels to Commanders, Econowives to Handmaids, Wives to Widows. A Handmaid as an advisor is no different.” He aimed an empty, solemn gaze at Armitage. You felt tall and safe and disgustingly special. “It should come as no surprise that roles can form by necessity.”

Armitage sneered. “You parade your necessity around like a prized pet.”

“No,” Ren replied. The final patter of piano sailed through the air. “I assumed that you’d have difficulty grasping a new concept. It appears I was correct.”

The concluding chords rumbled, and Johana pulled her lips in over her teeth in what you guessed was unexpected, reluctant amusement. Armitage said nothing, and the other guests muttered to each other--you couldn’t tell if it was in admiration or disdain.

“Further questions about my decision can be directed to me at the next Council meeting.” The auto-player began a sweeter, softer tune. This one you didn’t recognize. The mumbling in the crowd grew to full chatter, and Ren looked to the Knight at the entry. “Ruk. Escort her.”

Before you could move, Ren snatched your wrist, so quick and subtle you weren’t even sure Johana noticed. What she <did notice was him leaning to your ear, whispering over it like sable silk.

“I’m not done with you, yet. Wait in your room. Keep the dress on.”

It took every bit of strength you had to prevent your cheeks from glowing. “Yes, Commander.” You cleared your throat, nodding to him and Johana. “Goodnight.”

Her gaze followed you, studied your dress as crossed to the Knight, her arms folded, eyes shiny. The melody in the room rolled into a slow, flooding crescendo. And as you disappeared around the corner, she broke the stare and turned away, wiping her nose on her sleeve.

#kylo ren smut #kylo ren x reader #kylo x reader #kylo ren imagine #kylo ren #kylo trash #little bird #handmaid au #fanfiction problems #glove kink #god I love majima's shoes though #I can't help myself I had to make Ren look hot because I CAN

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nhu-ngo · 4 years ago

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Prompt 6 & 7: Countries/Cities You’ve Visited and Want to Visit

Update 2/15/22: I’ve decided to scrap my older posts bc this was a failed project lol. But I wanted to keep this one.

A lot has unfortunately happened in the last two weeks that made me miss last week so I’ll be doubling it up for today.

Before I get started on the prompts, I want to talk about aging. So last week, I was fortunate to complete my second dose of the Moderna Covid-19 vaccine. The side effects of the second dose were known to be extremely reactive and this was certainly the case for me. I felt awful: body chills, headache, fever, body aches. It was basically the flu, without the head cold portions, but still pretty bad. The strange thing is that the side effects seem to affect younger people much more reactively than older people. Which made me think further about how weak the immune systems of older people probably are.

My uncle/God Father and his wife and son actually all contracted Covid about 3-4 weeks ago. He’s a 80 year old multiple stroke survivor and his last stroke that happened about 2 years ago handicapped him a bit - when I heard he had contracted the virus, I knew it was futile but had a beacon of hope that he would come out fine. He was just at our house the week before this news and so we ourselves had a Covid scare but luckily were all fine.

Throughout the week, we were receiving notice from my aunt that he was “getting better” but the thing about Covid is that while the virus itself may be overcome, the illnesses that arise after you test negative still have the capacity to kill you. And that’s what happened to my uncle.

I’ve known Bac Sy for my entire life, there isn’t a holiday party or family gathering where I didn’t see him. He was a photographer for one of the first Vietnamese publications in the city and he used to take pictures at all these gatherings. He’s such a stable and stagnant part of my life and his passing made me incredibly aware that my parents and family are aging all too rapidly.

See, I’m actually a big worrywart and sometimes when I lay in bed, all I can think about is the impeding death of my older family members. It’s a way to prepare myself for the inevitable, but it’s also a way to make sure I don’t waste my time with them. In 2020, I lost two people who had compounding impacts on my life and it crushed me; I actually had a whole life trajectory change due to that feeling and today, I think this is the right course because my values lie in my deep rooted love for my family.

I never want to regret not telling my loved ones that I love them enough or not letting people know that I appreciate them.

I actually had a dream a few nights ago about Bac Sy. I was on my way home from whatever and when I walked through the door, I saw him sitting on the couch with a huge smile on his face, arms out stretched for a hug. I hugged him and woke up soon thereafter. This dream happened after we were told that he was in a coma and two days after this, we were told that he was no longer cognitive. I wonder if this was my subconscious trying to comfort me or some supernatural premonition. Either way, I appreciated it.

I reflect on my family and how lucky I am to have been raised in a family that supported be throughout all my good and occasionally dumbass decisions. One thing that they allowed me to do was to travel which is why I was able to visit:

1. Nicaragua

2. Japan

3. Hong Kong

4. Vietnam

Bac Sy was actually fluent in French and so I want to dedicate a trip to France just for him. Fuck, I’m crying thinkin about it lol. But um, I need to bring my little cousin, his only son. Another thing I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is if I’m a good influence on my little cousins and if I’m a good big sister type. I personally think I’m not, and I feel like I need to step up my role as the mediator in my family.

My parents and most of my family gave up a lot to raise us and never got to travel. I want to dedicate future vacations to them - we actually talked about a trip to the Northern parts of Vietnam, which surprised and excited me.

I want to take them to the snow (Lake Tahoe) and see the mountains (Yosemite). Along the way, I also am reminded that I have so many trips I need to plan too.

This post was a bit of a ramble, but I needed an outlet for my emotions. I am incredibly sad today.

#journaling 2021

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hongism · 5 years ago

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okay hi. so. first of all this incredible and stunning banner was made by the talented and lovely @hobiance! the banner at the bottom was made by the equally talented and lovely thot @franklytae, and i’m so so grateful to both of them for helping me out with this and am really touched to have their creations on this post. now. it is absolutely unreal that i am making this post. it’s crazy to see how my blog and i have grown in the past year and a half, and im so grateful for every single one of you who follows me, whether you are an active follower or not. also this is absolutely insane because in just six months you all have made my following nearly quadruple and that’s absolutely bonkers on so many levels. while 2020 has been tumultuous for us all, i cannot argue the fact that it has been my best year on tumblr so far.

i have been able to meet so many fantastic people, grow friendships, grow my skills as a writer, gain confidence, and i have found friendships that are so treasured and valuable in so many ways. i’m really so so grateful for this platform and for the opportunity to share my work here with you all.

i really don’t know how to verbalize how i’m feeling because on one hand, followers are just a number and it’s unimportant in the long run. on the other hand i truly am grateful for every single one off you and i want you to know how grateful i am. but i really don’t want this to be about me because i really wouldn’t be on tumblr still without the people i’ve met along the way. through tumblr i have found lifelong friends who are beautiful inside and out and i will never stop being grateful to know them and walk this path alongside them. it’s truly a blessing and i feel so so lucky to get to know them. cue the ridiculously long tags of people whom i love and cherish so so much. i apologize in advance because no matter how many times i stare at this post and try to remember and get every single person who is valuable to me, i know i will inevitable forget someone so i am very very sorry if i miss anyone.

*•.¸♡ ✧ 𝓂𝓊𝓉𝓊𝒶𝓁𝓈 ✧ ♡¸.•*

@hobicomeholla29 @thatmultifandomhoe @yoongi-sugaglider @strawbxxymilk @meowxyoong @blondenamjin @dee-ehn @a-tiny-8iny @atiny-dazzlinglight @atiny-piratequeen @atiny-wooyoung @kesmonster @theredcarat @enchantedyeo @seonghwabrainworms @jintobean @jinterlude @joonsrack @moonmintrails @inkedxclouds @koophoriia @kimcritique @moonpjms @daechwlta @suhdays @ppersonna @vivpurple7 @ironicarmy @joopiterjoon @btsxdoll @btsbiaswreckedwriting @minniepetals @chillingtae @searchingtae @ladyartemesia @staerrylights and many others who i literally cannot for the life of me remember right when it’s important aoifdjjioejsoi some of you guys i only really talk to on discord, but i think that’s where i talk to people the most anyways. i know im really bad at following people so i may miss a few of you here and there, but know that our friendship through tumblr and discord is so valuable and important to me and im grateful for all of you 💕

*•.¸♡ ✧ 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓉𝓈 ✧ ♡¸.•*

@yolokoo @franklytae

hhhhh you two little shits honestly i know i won’t be able to tell the two of you how much you mean to me because words are Hard. still i am so so lucky to know the two of you and so so lucky to be able to be friends with you two. y’all know i would swing so fucking hard for you that i would dislocate a shoulder but it would be worth in. i love you both so so much and know that no matter what paths we all take in life, i will always be here to support you and cheer you on along the way

*•.¸♡ ✧ 𝓂𝓊𝓈𝓀𝑒𝓉𝑒𝑒𝓇𝓈 ✧ ♡¸.•*

@hobiance @miamorjoon

lainey within ten minutes of meeting you on discord i married you iajoidfoisdjfo. honestly that’s the boldest i’ve ever been, but i’m really grateful that i stepped out of my comfort zone and interacted with you because if not i would be missing out on such a crazy crackhead amazing friendship that’s filled with rats and roaches and annoying atlas bc we love her. sometimes it’s scary how similar we are but i love our late night crazy music sessions and your passion for cowboys 🐀🤠

atlas i honestly do Not remember how we met aoidjfoij pls don’t be offended i don’t remember how i meet anyone. i only remember meeting lainey because she reminded me of it the other day. but anyways i am super glad that we started talking because you’re one of tha craziest wackiest zackiest ladiez i’ve ever met and you really unleash the inner crazy in me (in a good way i swear). even though you tell me to shut up most of the time, you are seriously one of my fav writers out there and so knowing you and being your friend is seriously w o a h and a blessing for sure 🐀

*•.¸♡ ✧ 𝓈𝓅𝑒𝒸𝒾𝒶𝓁𝓈 ✧ ♡¸.•*

@jamaisjoons @honeymoonjin @ddaenggtan @cest-la-tae @bangtiddies @mygsii @mindays @luxekook @floralsuga

oh god i hope im not forgetting anyone hhafhiuehisuda oKAY you each are super duper special to me in your own special way and i could sit here for literally hours and ramble on about how much i love each of you. the basic fact of the matter is that each of you have impacted me and my life in some way.

sol, sora, bette - i am so lucky to have been able to meet you and work alongside you and talk to you daily. it’s normally extremely hard to work with friends or make friends through work, but i got so lucky with you guys and am so blessed to get to talk to each of you and know you ((special thanks to sol for Obey Me and 7 demon daddies)) ((another special thanks to backbone bette for having the courage to speak up when no one else does)) ((one more super special thanks to miss sora who is the kindest and sweetest ball of uwu i’ve ever known and Stan the Man the Icon and the limbless basketball game story remains Iconic))

dAIJA gahhh im so lucky to know you, you are such a valuable and incredible friend. you have a huge heart and you’re always looking out for other people. as much as i love screaming about hyunjin and victon with you, i really love just getting to chat with you in general because you’re so sweet and loving :ragecry:

e m i omg i wish i could remember when we first started talking bc i feel like it was some crackhead energy but honestly i feel like we have that crackhead energy 24/7. i really love listening to your stories because you have such a knack for storytelling which duh of course you do you’re an actress you know how to tell a story, but also you are just fun and exciting to get to talk to.

renae my lovely spiritual girlfriend you are such a wholesome sweet soul on every level w o w you have a heart of gold and you are so talented and wonderful as well, truly the whole package and a half, and you are such a good friend. somehow i only recently found out that you’re a multi but having listening parties with you (even if discord doesn’t tell us we’re listening together) is so fun and i just love chatting with you

reese omg i dont appreciate how you attack me with jisung and hyunjin but we are linked because we both switched to jungkook urls aoijsdfoij you’re such a fun person to talk to and i love getting to talk to you more and getting to know you better because you’re so sweet and loving and have a love of tea that rivals emi’s and mine which is crazy

monday mondayyyyyyy omg i remember the first time we talked was in a kakao chat about the flower shop story and i was Shook because i loVE your works and you were talking about how you liked mine and i was internally p a n i c k so bad ajflkjflk but after that we started getting to know each other better and we started the bee gang then we bonded over piercings and honestly you are just such a cool gal. like wow a queen. idek what else to say other than you are so cool i wish i was half as cool as you asoifjiof but really ily lots uwu

and last but really absolutely not least, mr. beau. wow i feel like it’s been such a long time since we met and started talking to each other. you were one of the very first people i talked to on tumblr, and you welcomed me so swiftly and with open arms. i know i can really rely on you and trust you, you are such a valuable friend, and i love being able to talk with you. i am so beyond proud of you, i know both alex and i are so so proud and happy for you, and i am so proud to be able to watch you grow into the person you are and deadass im crying rn just because im so proud and lucky to have been able to talk with you and help you. you know things about me that no one else does hehe and you are truly such a valuable and wonderful friend on so many levels. i will always always always be able to say that i am proud to be your friend and proud to know you 🤧

#thank you #really so so so much #thank you so much #moots #mootuals #follow forever

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escapekissed · 4 years ago

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Lucky do you have any favorite pieces of media from the psychological horror genre? Feels like its a genre that matches ur interests very well 👉🏽👈🏽

there are a couple that really speak to me!

first is rule of rose, which is a game that is incredibly formative to me. in a time where i was looking for representation as a young gay person and REALLY into looking up wiki pages for horror games, rule of rose showed me the symbolic trauma of puberty and toxic ‘love’ between girl children and the violence of patriarchal figures that i was looking for. it showed such cruelty but also such strength in its main character, and the symbolism? exquisite.... it also just has such a creepy atmosphere and the fact that the game is near impossible to play along with its shitty graphics for the enemies makes it so. peculiar and creepy in a very special way to me.

catherine is another atlus game near and dear to my heart, tho i dont think i’m ever going to be playing full body for that exact reason. it’s a game basically about eugenics and misogyny, about gods&devils thinking of women as only reproductive objects and the men in their lives that ‘waste their reproductive time’ being tortured and killed for it, taking away a woman’s choice. i always thought it would be so interesting to do trans and lesbian takes on this game, and i have never really? stopped thinking about how this game is so thrilling in its themes of entitlement and stopping people’s freedom to love as they wish. this is also one of the only horror games in which the ‘human element’ actually interests me. so many horror games give u terrible people and i dont give a FUCK ABOUT THEM. but the way this game shows u just snippets of his life as a ‘break’ from the excruciatingly scary (to me, because time limits scare me LOL), stressful as hell puzzles. and u get to figure out the mystery of what is going on in people who would otherwise be boring to you, but in this game are shrouded in just enough mystery that ur actually interested in their boring day-to-day lives. its so satisfying just to drink with ur buds. its like really great gameplay to me tbh. i also just love katherine and catherine and they frusturate me so much and that’s exactly what they’re supposed to do which i LOVE. extremely effective atmosphere setting and worldbuilding, basically.

the lighthouse is my favorite horror movie tbh because it does suspense so well. the movie is literally themed around suspense, the suspense of not getting sexual satisfaction to completion, of being touch starved and lonely and repressed, of being able to hold ur boss but never kiss him, of being fed lobster but it tastes flavorless and bland and u can smell ur boss’s farts the whole time while he prattles on with disturbing sailor’s tales and barks out orders until he’s lulled into his drink. i honestly love this movie. and the acting is brilliant and unhinged

there’s a few indie games i really like that have been either formative to me or i just??? really like their vibe and i can basically tell from them i would like every game in the ‘genre.’

pocket mirror to me is like, this beautiful game about your own inner toxicity and escaping from yourself. i love indie 64-bit games like this, the background art is so beautiful, and while i’ve never played all the way through it because it scares me too much---i love ib and all the games in the ‘ib’ genre LOL.

doki doki literature club i know is a very strange game to like, but i enjoy it for letting the women be actual characters with their own thoughts and feelings. the pychological horror movie ‘i’m thinking of ending things’ is the exact opposite of this game.'i’m thinking of ending things’ is a backwards approach to feminist horror in my opinion. it’s from a male’s perspective of his hallucinations of a girl that once didn’t give him a second glance and his violence towards her in these fantasies. it takes itself painfully seriously. it pretends to deconstruct something that the director helped soldify (the manic pixie dream girl trope) in the public eye. doki doki literature club on the other hand, the passive character who ‘things happen to’ is the man. the active roles all go to the women in the game and what they do to themselves in order to be loved by not just a man, but the player, and in doing so they often become the all-knowing god of their own prison. like tell me that’s not the dopest thing u’ve ever heard of!

twilight zone is a big one for me but 5 episodes in particular have shaped how i view horror forever. ‘to serve man’---where the greatest, scariest thing in the world is not being able to understand the language another person is actually using and for them to manipulate u using ur own, actually wishing u harm as they placate you with your own interpretations. the episode where a rich man’s last will and testament is for his vain, selfish relatives to wear a mask until midnight that reveals symbolically how ugly they are to him. they bicker all night with petty squabbles, and then at midnight he reveals the mask has permeanantly shaped their faces to reveal who they really are and the abuse he suffered under them. the cornfield episode still scares the shit out of me as someone with an entitled younger brother whose entitlement and anger is often enabled by those around us, and i’ve always thought that it was such a good show of like, how patriarchy enables little boy’s violence. the episode ‘all the time in the world’ where an abused man with a shitty life is finally the last man on earth and he can do anything he’d like to do and all he wants to do is read but then he breaks his glasses. and finally! the episode where toys in a box come to life and bemoan their fate as they realize they will be trapped there forever in clothes and identities they do not recognize. these episodes always scare the shit out of me LOL.

besides that i really like. low-budget passion project indie games. the first that comes to mind is ‘the path’ which is about a family of four sisters of various ages all inspired by little red riding hood who stray from the path and are hunted by the woodsman. and then the game that YOU my dear myers! showed me! that haunts me to this day. basically a tape talks to you about the areas of a house and then starts to talk about the house as a living creature. and the living creature is hungry, without you inside it. the living creature is tired of being alone, it’s tired of being abandoned, it’s tired, and it’s eyes are empty with no one in the windows, and it’s mind is blank with no one in the bedroom, and it’s hangry there’s no one in its basement to feast on, to torment as it has been tormented by disuse.

last but not least, i really enjoy the book ‘sharp objects.’ which is not technically a horror novel. but it is about a serial killer, and about women and abuse and it has some of the best writing ever. so i highly recommend it AND the miniseries (watch the miniseries first then read the book bc the miniseries is like. directed better? but the novel is written and characterized better. it’s also very short u can finish it in like a day and a half).

honorable mentions for horror In General (not necessarily psychological horror) are: 1) the birdcage. i honestly consider this movie entirely unsettling. robin williams failing to portray a man that is actually attracted to nathan lane, which could be because they have simply been married so long but also is just awful to me in general bc it makes me feel like even our outwardly gay but still more masc gay men can’t love and be attracted to femme camp gays even when they’re married to them. the fact that both these men that could be so in love, that were so in love at one time, you can at the very least imagine, are told by their only son that they need to go back in the closet to impress some old ass republicans, giving the message that no matter how succesful you are in the gay community, no matter how bright and wonderful a presence you are, no matter how loving you are, no matter how much you love, no matter how interwoven you are in lgbt-ness, the straight people you love most will still try to change you to impress the wold. horrifying.

2) coraline. its children’s horror but that’s still horror baby! i think lately about how much the movie talks about mothers and birth. coraline calls whybie ‘why born’ and i just think about how much she thinks about creating a new life with a new mother, and how going through that small door into a long tube... it’s like crawling into a new womb and being reborn to a new mother that loves you. and that’s horrific from a feminist perspective in and of itself---that your child would feel so unloved and unimportant to you that she would literally... rather die in this life, technically, rather be ‘unborn’ to you and born anew to someone, someone just like you but better, someone just like you but what SHE wants a mother to be, feminine and skirted and smiling. and then there’s the fact that coraline only gives this up when she realizes her other mother basically wants to change her more to suit her liking in ways that would cause her pain, at which point she realizes this whole fantasy is a lie, not real, something meant to entice her and control her and make her ‘perfect’---the same way she wants her mother & father to be ‘perfect’ in a way that causes her to act out and hurt them. it’s psychological horror that’s technically not psychological horror in the best way, something you can really dig your teeth into, something that has so many layers to it. and the animation! gorgeous!

3) finally i have recently watched annihilation. and it kind of changed my life a little bit.... so often we’re used to viewing monsters as either 1) malicious or 2) romantic/sad/sexy. but the monster in this movie is literally a metaphor for cervical cancer.

to me, the monsters and the corpses and all the beautiful scenery in this movie, in every color u can think of, a muted rainbow of flowers and nature at its best and most bizarre and sprawling. i often say that monsters are beautiful, but tbh, i feel like... somehow i always mean that in a way that is near-fetishitic, somehow self-depcrating way, where i want to consider what other people think is ‘ugly’ is ‘beautiful to me’ because what i am also ugly to other people as a monster to the cishet white patriarchy. there are things i consider beautiful, certainly, purely beautiful. but when i talk about monsters being beautiful, it is in the way the sublime is beautiful. it scares me, it haunts me, i love it, i want to possess it as part of me, a totem to carry in my back pocket to make the strength in my own ugliness stronger.

when i saw the monster in this movie (SPOILERS) i was immediately unnerved at this bad cgi abomination that bloomed from the most beautiul cgi cancer death cosmos imaginable. it scared me and i had to sleep with a light on for 2 days after LOL. but i was also moved by its gentleness. by the fact that the cervical cancer alien, when it tried to hurt you, wasn’t trying to hurt you at all. it was simply copying your movements. in the movie, it says that the creature wants nothing. it was simply copying. it was simply changing. it’s a prism of nature---and it corrupts yes, and it can hurt people and things and turn them into scary but still terribly unique and beautiful things that also kill---but the movie says that it wants nothing. it simply exists. it’s a part of nature, same as us, a part of the same universe and cosmos, despite being alien to us and stange and hurting us sometimes in ways that it doesn’t understand.

i don’t know. if i quite believe the movie when it says that, though. because i think if you copy someone, like a child would, you are trying to understand them. you are trying to understand yourself. you are trying to form yourself in another’s image when you have none, and you are failing at that, and hurting people and creating monsters in the process, but you are trying as best as you can to be whole and beautiful and sane like the lovely creatures you’ve met on this earth, or this body. to be part of something great and beautiful. to be part of another world.

maybe it doesn’t want anything. but do WE want anything as children, when we copy adults? why did the bear and the alligator try to eat our heroes if they were not hungry? did the bear and the alligator not WANT to eat? i think everything wants to live, and everything wants to grow, and if it can learn to live better and grow better it Will learn even if that is not its explicit intention. does the alien have feelings? does nature? do we have to personify things to understand them? no. does personifying things make us understand them less? no, yes, sometimes. we ask animals and nature to copy us, follow us, so that we can understand them better. the relationship in between----from the hurt, from the pain, from the droughts and the food shortages and the hurricanes and the fireworks---forms from our kindness and understanding. that our crops are useful, and the man-made mutation of our crops and the help of the ran and the sun is also useful. that our animals may not love us, but they need us, and we love them for putting their paw on our thighs to be pet, for following us into the bathroom even when we just wanted a moment alone.

regardless of its intentions, the alien, cancer, every creature, every human, they simply want to grow. in copying others---in trying to touch, to change, to understand, and be close---we learn to live in the same body, learn to live in the same world. the togetherness--the new sight the prism brings---it’s beautiful. it is beautiful to copy, however poorly. it is beautiful to try. we all shape others to our own standards---we sometimes forget we too, were made in own own perception of others’ image.

#ooc: replies #this took me all day to answer because i had to go to COSTCO in the middle. LOL #destructiveglitch

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yesloverboy · 5 years ago

Text

Something in the Way She Moves (Axl Rose x Reader)

Requested: Anon

“Could you do a story about Axl rose where the reader is a singer ( i was thinking like sadie from across the universe type singer) and he sees her play live for the first time and falls for her? And they end up getting together and performing together all the time and it's all gushy and hot bc their voices go together so well? Thank u!”

Note: My first Axl request is finally here! Sorry for the wait, but I’m finally back at university so hopefully I can start an upload schedule soon to help keep my ass accountable. However, I’m really proud of how this request turned out so lmk what you think! Love y’all

word count: 2,032

[Warnings: swearing, alcohol, and disgusting romance]

permanent tags: @colsonbakersnoseringmain, @lululovesgwtw, @kingbouji3

No matter how many times you walk out on that stage, you find your heart thudding in your chest as if it were the first time all over again. You love everything about performing; the bright lights, smoky clubs, and smiling faces of all the lovely people in the crowd. Each of them came to have a good time and, as always, you’re just happy to play a part in it. Unlike most aspiring artists, you don’t need an adoring crowd to get your blood pumping. All you need is the thud of the bass in your feet and a song to sing.

The crowd is usually a secondary element to your performance, instead you prefer the company of your band and the energy their music brings. This particular night, however, something feels different. There’s an electricity in the air that you don’t recognize and, as you go up to sing, you catch your eyes wandering through the crowd for the first time.

It takes a while to adjust to the smoky haze that drifts through the beaming stage lights, but eventually you can make out some faces. As usual, the patrons of the club look happy and carefree. Each of them a total stranger, and yet so hauntingly familiar at the same time.

You allow the music to overtake you once again as you sway across the stage. The long, flowing sleeves of your shirt drift through the air as you vibe and shift along with the rhythm. Hair falling in your face, you allow the blues to move through you and push out your voice from somewhere deep within.

As the song hurtles toward a spellbinding guitar solo, you feel the urge to look out into the crowd once again. While people came to the club to hear music and have a good time, you were always just background noise. Somehow, someway, it finally feels like someone is watching you– and you’re determined to find out who it could possibly be. You frown to yourself as you scan the crowd, realizing that the glare from the lights is far too bright to see anywhere beyond a few rows back.

Little do you know, there is a man seated at the end of the bar that couldn’t take his eyes off of you if he tried.

He had been passing by the club with a band of his very own when your voice captured his attention. You had just wailed out the song’s first note, and all he could think was that he’d never heard anything like it. The man insisted on stopping to listen just a little bit longer, ignoring the gripes and groans from his scruffy bandmates. As he pushed his way inside, he hadn’t even noticed that his band left him to find something better to do. All he cared about seeing was you.

Now, as you’re floating effortlessly across the stage, the man is awestruck to find that you’re even more beautiful than you sound. As a singer himself, he’s completely blown away by how effortlessly you allow the moment to overtake you. Engaging with an audience full of fans is an experience he thrives off of, and yet here you are dancing and swaying like an adolescent girl alone in her bedroom. You don’t have a single care in the world.

When your set finally comes to a close, you give each of your bandmates an affectionate squeeze and scamper off to the bar. It’s a personal tradition to reward yourself with a cocktail every night after a show. Long ago you realized that drinking before or during a set only made you emotional and self-conscious, making you ultimately decide that drinking would be a gift to yourself– not a necessity.

Before you’re able to beckon over to the bartender, a sudden presence at your side makes you turn your head in vague curiosity. You feel the air leave your lungs as you lock eyes with the stranger next to you, wondering how in the holy hell you didn’t notice him from your place on stage. He’s a little taller than you, with eyes the color of soft denim and poker-straight hair that hangs loosely on the middle of his chest.

“Hey,” he breathes, flashing you a smile warmer than summertime. The leather of his jacket crinkles against the bar’s glossy finish as he leans comfortably against it.

“Hey, yourself,” you reply coyly, peering up at the incredibly handsome stranger from beneath your eyelashes. The man in front of you doesn’t look like the club’s usual patrons, he chooses the confinement of leather and acid wash over silk and corduroy. He’s different and you like it.

He clears his throat, and although his posture radiates confidence, he bites his lip with a nervous uncertainty. “You were amazing up there, you know. Never heard anything like it.”

“How much did you see?” your voice is barely a whisper in the hum of the bar, and you feel yourself leaning in closer just to be heard.

“All of it,” he grins, instantly soliciting a blush from your already rosie cheeks.

Your eyes fall to your feet, and you catch yourself chewing on your lip as you kick your moccasins absentmindedly against the linoleum floor. “I’m guessing you must like music a lot, then.”

The man laughs, eliciting a rasp from the back of his throat that carries a musical quality. “Well, sweetheart, I suppose you aren’t wrong about that– can I get you a drink?”

“I don’t even know your name, music man,” you giggle, feeling reduced to nothing more than a giddy schoolgirl. You don’t mind though, because for once it finally seems as though you actually feel at ease with someone who isn’t one of your bandmates.

“Axl. Axl Rose,” he replies, holding out a ring encrusted hand for you to shake.

His calloused hand is rough against your skin, but the touch he offers is so gentle that your rapidly beating heart stutters in surprise. The feeling is so tender and comforting that you find yourself unable to let go. Axl seems to share the same sentiment and slides his soft grip to the tips of your fingers, holding you in place as a gentle thumb swipes delicately across your knuckles.

“With a name like that, you oughta be some kind of rockstar,” you quip, making a big show of raking your eyes from the top of his strawberry blonde hair to the tips of his motorcycle boots.

“That’s the idea, honey,” Axl gives you a sly wink and moves in a little bit closer, your chiffon sleeve lightly brushing against his leather one, “but, if you asked me, I’d say there’s only one rockstar in this whole club.”

“Oh yeah? And who would that be?”

“Y/N,” he purrs, reciting the name arranged on the old marquee he saw coming into the club, “You may not know it yet, but she’s gonna be the raddest act in town.”

“I don’t know who told you that, but remind me to thank them later,” you chuckle, peering up at Axl through the thick of your eyelashes.

“Just a feeling,” he smirks, “but if you have the time– I could tell you more about it. What do you say, sugar?”

“Lucky for you, music man– I’ve got all night.”

...

After that serendipitous evening, you and Axl become nearly inseparable. Your music man comes to every show possible, using whatever minutes he could spare between his own sets on the strip to catch a glimpse of you singing. The only thing Axl seems to love more than watching you sway effortlessly on stage, is the way you float onto the floor of his very own performances with the same ease.

You are as carefree of a lover as a musician, and observing the chaos of the world bending to your will makes Axl feel as though he might be able to contain whatever part of that chaos dwells within him. Although a poet at heart, Axl’s temper has a red hot edge that only you seem to extinguish. You’ve become his perfect match– not because you are opposite him, but because you compliment him. If you’re a daisy chain, he’s the bruised knuckles tying you together.

Despite how different yours and Axl’s music tastes are, you find yourself growing fond of Guns ‘n Roses; although you’re still not sure what firearms and flowers actually have to do with each other. Much to your surprise, the rest of his ragtag bandmates seem to like you too– even if you stick out at their shows just as sorely as Stevie Nicks in a cemetery.

It takes weeks of late night escapades and dizzying weekend benders, before one lazy Sunday morning brings you and Axl together in a way that seems so impossible and yet so obvious.

Singing.

It’s a morning like so many others, with you flipping pancakes in one of Axl’s cropped shirts while he remains tangled haphazardly in the sheets. You hum along as Across the Universe buzzes through the crackle of the kitchen radio, becoming so in the moment that you eventually start singing softly to yourself. It’s no stage, but something about swaying in the morning light feels delightfully intimate.

Sounds of laughter, shades of life are ringing through my open ears, inciting and inviting me–

Axl eventually stirs himself out of a dead slumber, feeling exceptionally hungover and absolutely starving. Dragging his shirtless form into the bright kitchen light, he’s immediately captivated by the smell of frying batter and the soft rasp of your voice. Captivated, all he can do is stand and stare. You’re floating again, bouncing lightly on your toes as the music moves you.

Limitless undying love, which shines around me like a million suns–

Absentmindedly, Axl allows a soft hum to grow in the back of his throat. The melody is familiar to him, comfortable, and before he knows it, his feet are carrying his tired body over to you. The sound of bare feet padding behind you makes you turn, the sight of Axl bringing a blinding smile to your face. There’s something gentle sparkling in your music man’s eyes and, even if the two of you haven’t said it yet, you can feel the love swimming behind those irises.

It calls me on and on, across the universe–

Without a second thought, you reach for his hand and begin to sing to him. Much to your delight, he invites the touch and pulls you gently to his chest with a boyish smile. What most people don’t know about Axl– your Axl –is that he has a soft side hiding beneath his rough exterior and over the top antics. Moments like these make all the petty struggles feel insignificant, and for a fleeting second, you don’t think it can get any better. That is, until Axl starts singing with you.

Nothing’s gonna change my world, Nothing’s gonna change my world–

In your brief time as a professional singer, you had never been able to find someone to match your voice. It’s not that you’re too good for anyone, you’ve just always been told that your voice was far too unusual to have anyone singing beside you. Now, as your arms entangle with your sunset-haired love, it becomes clear that your voice is meant to exist alongside his.

Nothing’s gonna change my world, Nothing’s gonna change my world–

The rasp of yours and Axl’s voices compliment each other in the same way your personalities do– if Axl wants to fly above the music with the harmonies, you’re willing to be the melody tethering him back to Earth. Ever since the night you’d met, being with Axl has felt as easy as breathing and as natural spinning around wrapped in silk.

The two of you may have found each other in the dark, but there’s no doubt that you are both falling hard and fast under the morning light. With a tattooed man in your arms and the smell of scorched pancakes in the air, you find yourself feeling at home for the first time– and nothing can ever change that.

Masterlist

#again #sorry i'm a slow writer #it's because i love y'all and don't wanna put out anything shitty #writing #requests #axl rose #guns n roses #gnr #izzy stradlin #duff mckagan #slash #steven adler #axl rose imagine #axl rose oneshot #motley crue #classic rock #80s #80s rock

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ephemelody · 5 years ago

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hi!! i hope im not bothering u by coming here, u can ignore this if its too personal, but im currently in my junior year of college & i still dont know what i wanna do w/ my life. i remembered u mentioning that u pursued something u didnt want in college & are now going after ur dreams, & i was wondering if u had any advice for me? ive always loved writing but its daunting to me as a career bc i just dont think im good enough. again, u dont have to reply! im just kind of lost rn & thought of u.

hey anon, thank you for opening up to me about this topic! it’s no bother at all!! i’m sorry for the late reply; i’ve been quite busy with my jobs and applications and i wanted to answer this properly.

i’m definitely a supporter of following your dreams and pursuing what you truly want in life. life is short and the world is falling apart, and for me i knew that if i didn’t pursue something i really wanted, deep in my bones, i would most likely die with all my regrets weighing down on me. maybe that sounds melodramatic, but that’s ultimately what pushed me to make my decision. so if writing is something you want, something you’re willing to fight for no matter how hard the journey might be, then i say go for it!!

making a career out of writing is definitely daunting though, i feel that anxiety 200%. to be honest, ever since i quit applying to medical school to go after the dream of publication, it hasn’t been a walk in the park. i’m currently working 2 jobs to pay my bills and i had to compromise a lot because of my personal family issues and because i didn’t want to waste my degree that put me over $30k in debt. that’s another reason to pursue something you’re actually interested in college: don’t waste your time and effort and money on something you don’t really want. it will only hurt you more in the end.

of course, it’s also important to be practical/financially responsible. not everyone can be as lucky as veronica roth who got a crazy publishing deal for ‘divergent’ before she even graduated college. a lot of the authors i follow on social media have a day job to make a living wage while working on their stories in whatever time span they can. leigh bardugo, the author of the ‘six of crows’ duology, worked as a makeup artist among other jobs until she finally published her first book in her 30s. and madeline miller, author of ‘the song of achilles,’ worked on that incredible book for 10 years while being a college professor. so if there’s a major or career you’d be content with studying that will be able to support you financially while you pursue writing on the side, that’s definitely a good option.

i don’t think there’s any author out there who feels like their writing is “good enough.” it seems like most writers are riding the imposter syndrome boat lol. and in publishing there’s going to be A Lot of rejections. i actually finished writing my 1st novel last year and it didn’t go anywhere, so now it’s collecting dust in my computer while i try to finish my 2nd novel this year and hope it’s decent enough that an agent will be interested. i don’t think i’ve ever felt “good enough” about my writing, but i love doing it anyway. there’s nothing else i’d rather break my heart over.

so pursue writing if you love it, because someone out there is absolutely going to love your story too. i definitely finally got the courage to chase after my dream because of people supporting my klance fanfics. when i read people’s comments and saw how happy my silly stories made them and all the wonderful encouragement i received, it gave me hope that i’m not as bad as my brain often convinces me. it made me want to read up on the craft and study other authors’ way of drafting and improve in whatever way i could. so if you need some encouragement, share your writing with a few friends or take creative writing classes in college! the biggest support system i have right now is a writing discord i share with a friend who’s also pursuing publishing.

i hope this ramble was somewhat helpful/made sense. please let me know if there’s anything i didn’t answer and please don’t hesitate to talk to me more if you need. i felt very lost and alone sometimes in college because of this topic. definitely supporting you and wishing you the best if you ultimately choose to pursue writing in whatever way!!!

#college anon #ramble on pursuing a career in writing

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stevethehairington · 5 years ago

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Pass the happy! 🌻🌈 When you receive this, list 5 things that make you happy and send this to the last 10 people in the notifications.

❤❤❤ ahh thank you! these are always fun to get!

1. Seeing my family and my best friend this weekend

2. My dog!! She gets her very own number bc she's that special!! I missed her v much and she's one of the very best parts of my life

3. That feeling I get when I finally finish a fic I've been working on for a while and I get to post it, and subsequently the comments and kudos I get (yes I crave that sweet sweet validation)

4. The very small pockets of time I get that I can relax in; they're few and far between lately since my course load had been insane this semester, which makes me appreciate them that much more

5. All the creators that are part of fandom and the wonderful content they provide because seriously that is so incredible, especially how a lot of them do it for FREE and we get to consume their content, their beautiful work they've put so much time and effort into and I think that's just so special and wonderful, like we really get so lucky with this stuff I swear

#asks #misty-egg #thank u for this!!#❤❤❤

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j-ellals · 6 years ago

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MERRY CHRISTMAS MERU ! ⋆ (( @solofelt )

— ☆ ☆ ☆ —

I know, I know, it’s not Christmas anymore. I’m fashionably late, no surprises there. But I thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that New Year’s Eve was the perfect day to post your gift — especially since I know you’ve had it rough recently. I thought that this could perhaps start your year of 2019 on a good note. That, and I’m just really fucking excited to post this drawing AGSJSGSJS.

...Oh damn, where do I start. There are so so so many things I want to write down for you — some I already said, some I haven’t, some I have but don’t remember doing so ( which happens WAY too often; memory, pls do keep up ).

Uhhh FIRST OF ALL, I want to talk about your contribution to this RPC — which is how we met. I wouldn’t be writing this to you if it wasn't for me finding your blog through a promo. Your Gray quickly found his way to my heart — the vast understanding you have of him, the accuracy of your portrayal and your amazing writing & aesthetic making it so that you became, quite fast, one of my favourite usernames to see on my dash. Through you, I became much more attached to his character than I first was. It’s always a joy to write with you, and I hope we can do that more throughout the next year. ♥

AND OUR KIDS, GOD. Together, we built a ship that ( quickly ) rose amongst my favourites. I cannot put into words just how much I ADORE Jellal and Gray and their chemistry. I love exploring all these facets of their bonds, I love exploring their future, I love writing and drawing for them…. but above all, I love that we created this together. Jelray wouldn’t be as wonderful and as close to my heart if it wasn’t for the fact that we wrote them as a team — a good one, might I add.

I’m so, so so glad that we could make them work out on Discord. I love them with all my heart, and I love that you’re just as excited and motivated as I am. It’s amazing. You’re amazing.

--- NO, SERIOUSLY. YOU REALLY ARE.

Meru, you’re an amazing writer, a fantastic artist, a wonderful Gray — the only Gray that matters to me — and above all else, you’re an irreplaceable, priceless and remarkable friend.

Over the course of the last eight months, you’ve become my closest online friend, my confident, my safe space. You’re kind, always ready to listen to me rant or scream, you’re understanding, talented, funny, bright and creative. You’re passionate and friendly and accepting. I love talking to you about anything and everything, whether it’s about our muses, our ship, online or irl — and each and every single one of our conversations brings a bright smile on my face. It’s incredible how easily you cheer me up when I’m feeling down. It’s mindblowing how LUCKY I am to have met you, and everyday I’m thankful for the place you allow me to have in your life.

I also want to talk to you about snow. Snow has been a part of my life in Canada for years, for so long it’s become mundane. You, however, have never gotten the chance to see some — not real one, not in real life.

So to you, I sent pictures of my snow-coated backyard and of snowflakes up close, making me appreciate the beauty of nature’s cold again. With you in mind, I was able to summon the motivation to build a snowman. To show you what it was, I threw myself in the snow to make a snow angel — which I hadn’t done in *years*. To see you admire something I never thought of as exceptional made me find beauty in snow, in snowflakes, in the white winters. Your love for snowy winters was contagious, and it brought back my love for them, which had faded over the years.

My thankfulness isn’t about the snow, however; this is merely an example. It’s about the place you’ve taken in my life, and the impact you’ve had on it. You made me look at life from a different point of view; you allowed me to find the beauty some everyday things. You’ve given me so much, Meru. You gave me brilliant advice and a shoulder to lean on. You gave me an amazing ship, an amazing writing partner ( spoiler: it’s u ), a precious friend ( spoiler #2: it’s also u ) and hours, days, *months* worth of happiness, of laughter and of INCREDIBLE MEMORIES. You gave me, through your appreciation of my writing and my art, motivation to create and confidence in my abilities like no one has ever done before. *Seriously*, your screaming and keysmashing makes every damn second spent creating something worth the hard work.

You gave me so much. To know that I can give back even an inkling of the happiness you gave me by bringing even the slightest of smiles upon your face — whether it’s by a bad joke, by creating something or by being myself,,, it makes me so happy??

And can I just add, you’re the first person I feel so comfortable genuinely being myself with? To such extent, without restraint?

To be able to scream and fangirl about my weird special interests without feeling the need to apologize. To be able to confide in my issues and anxiety, to be able to break down and show my weaknesses, to be able to open myself to talk about deep-ass stuff. To be myself, at 100% —— it is incredible to do all that stuff and feel you being so welcoming, so accepting. It’s priceless. It brings tears to my eyes just *writing* this.

Throughout the years, I’ve met many people. Whether it is online or in the flesh, many of them have left their mark upon my life. You, however — I know you’ve left a big one. And while I know that eventually our paths may part ( not soon tho,,, pls ), I will forever remember you, keep you in my memory and be thankful for the amazing presence, friend, confident and writing partner you’ve been throughout my teenagehood.

Because you, Meru, didn’t just become my friend. You became my best one. Distance and age gap be damned, you showed me what a best friend was. Not just the closest kid you hang with in school, no. The real stuff.

You showed me what a real best friend was meant to be, and that spot absolutely belongs to you.

I hope 2019 is good to you. I hope you get some rest and some happiness --- and I hope I can provide some to you as well.

( *waves a glass of apple juice bc I know you don’t want me getting drunk* ) HERE’S TO ANOTHER YEAR OF FRIENDSHIP.

Merry Christmas, sunshine ☀️ —— because truly, that’s what you are. You light up my life like a ray of sunlight, you make the clouds part and the flowers bloom.

With lots of love, KAAT.❄ *

@solofelt / @w-olfcry

#jellal fernandes #gray fullbuster #jelray | jellal x gray #fan art #fairy tail #kaat speaks #kaat's posts #kaat's art #⋆ [ for friends. ]#⋆ [ meru. ]

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thelowlysatsuma · 6 years ago

Note

Ramble in whatever form you choose. I won’t be able to be active all the time so if you want to be able to do it whenever you want I’d say text posts but I’ll also try to occasionally ask you about them so there’s some variety

!!! okay! well i think i’ll choose a couple from the list that i haven’t made many posts about before (aka no ts or go) and ramble on here!

oof under the cut bc idk how long this will get

steven universe

oh hon don’t even get me STARTED on su like that shit? that shit is so good? okay first of all i love the cast so much? gosh they’re just all so sweet and cool and sometimes they collab w/ thomas sanders and i love rebecca sugar and im gonna cry they’re so sweet im so soft

okay SECONDLY the show itself oof

okay okay im just? god im so soft?? like the music is so good, i can (and do) watch it w/ my parents, GOD do i wanna cosplay pearl’s new outfit (and rainbow 2.0, if i can pull it off), im in love with the concept and all the fusions and the story and the worldbuilding and god, this made me realize my utter love and adoration of COLOURS like they’re so PRETTY im in LOVE oh my gOD and just

god it has such a good message and such a good plot and such good characters i wanna be steven’s friend i wanna be all of their friends oh man i just can’t wait until my baby cousins are old enough for me to show this to them because i’m going to enjoy that experience so much

ducktales

oh jfc where the fuck do i even start with ducktales okay david tennant as scrooge mcduck makes my fucking life literally he’sthe best goddamn charaacter in the show – well, best besides the triplets (my BOYS), webby (!!! my KID), f e n t o n (god i love that nerd), mark beaks (what an asshole), mrs beakley (i wanna be her when i grow up), launchpad (!!! he!!), and so many others??? this is like serious every character in the show erasure but hot damn duck tales says gay rights and it does so in style (oh yeah also i love lena della donald oh webby’s new friend whose name i forget uhhh herules oh the inventor guy fenton’s boss that dipshit love him uhhh gandra dee who’s voiced by jameela jamil if im not mistaken??????) and yeah it’s a hilarious show but it’s also just a really good one for me to watch whenever i start to like. feel empty inside?? but then like i’ll put on ducktales and i’ll feel better

gravity falls

this show. this show RUINED ME. i started watching it like four years late (aka last year lmao) but GOD, im so in love with it. def another one i wanna show my cousins.

like?? just??? the ciphers and mysteries appeal so much to me and my love of mystery and crime novels, the characters are all amazing, alex hirsch himself is just such a g?? and like. it’s so good. it hurts me so much but then it’s all okay in the end and it’s just. it’s so good.

yeah i sobbed my eyes out when i watched that series finale.

camp camp, which somehow i forgot on my other list

god, is this show hilarious. like, fuck is it funny. it’s so good. it’s so fucking good. i was a little shocked when i saw the first episode but i’m so into it now, and i’m so attatched to all the characters bc they’re just dumbasses trying their best (or worst, in a few cases) and i love them for it. that’s peak fool energy right there and it speaks to me

orphan black

okay okay okay veering now into a much darker type of television, orphan black is??? phenominal???

okay so my best friend @fuck-me-gently-with-a-slurpee got me into it when i was like 14 or 15 i think and i honestly cannot thank her enough because this show is incredible. the plot’s super engaging, i literally cannot say anything about it without giving away spoilers, and the main character has quite possibly the best actor i’ve ever seen playing her

like. you think thomas sanders is good? he ain’t got SHIT on tatianna maslany

mythbusters

you guys. you guys. mythbusters was my childhood. like seriously, i watched that show religiously.

it’s what first got me into science, and it’s what kept me interested in explosions. it’s light and funny and ridiculous and scientifically accurate in the dumbest ways possible. i swear to god the main cast nearly dies once an episode

these guys are my idols. like, i seriously cannot overstate how much i love the mythbusters. adam and jamie, tori, kari, and grant.

when i was a kid, i wanted to be a mythbuster when i grew up, and god damnit, i still do. they mean that much to me

bill nye

fun fact! i actually had no fuckin clue who bill nye was until seventh grade, when i had to watch an episode of his show for homework because i missed a day of class. it was the episode on static electricity, and i remember sitting at my dining room table in the dim winter afternoon light, squinting at my computer, and thinking “what the FUCK am i WATCHING?”

needless to say, i’ve seen more since then, but that initial what the fuckery is still present and i love it.

not only is bill nye the science guy a flippin fantstic show, but bill nye himself? the coolest guy alive. god, i love him. what a g.

various comedians including but not limited to john mulaney,john oliver, and hasan minhaj

okay, as a gay, i am legally required to love john mulaney, but seriously that guy is so. fuckin. funny that i can’t help myself. his timing is priceless, the way he moves onstage is hysterical, just. god i love his stuff.

literally his comedic timing and style is half the reason people find me funny. i just phrase my sentences the way he would because, you know, i’m good at stealing things, and people laugh, and i go “hey. that actually worked”. and then i keep doing it

next, john oliver. okay, so while i don’t watch his show religiously, i do watch it when my parents do every now and again, and fuck is his stuff funny. like. just. shit.

finally, hasan minhaj’s patriot act is just. one of my favourite current events comedy shows out there. it’s in a similar vein to john oliver’s stuff, just more international, and shit, is he good at what he does. i lvoe it.

hoodwinked the movie (i am dead serious)

okay, while i haven’t seen it in over four years, this is still my favourite movie of all time. it also has one of my favourite villain songs of all times, and some of the best character exchanges just. ever. especially with wolf and twitchy

...god, i love twitchy. also the goat. i’m probably gonna be the goat when i grow up, let’s be honest

one day at a time

i just.

there’s so much to say about odaat. like. it’s so funny. it makes me nearly cry every episode (and makes my mother actually cry every episode). the characters, god, the characters

like. alex is such a cute dumb kid (who’s smarter than he looks), penelope is so salty constantly and i love her but she’s genuinely so cool and such a good mom and i cry??? elena is so amazing like god she’s such a fuckin nerd but she’s also so salty (takes after her mom) and is literally the best????

and then there’s abuelita, whom i adore. like, god, rita moreno is SO cool and SUCH a great actress and has SUCH an amazing sense of comedic timing and GOD, i LOVE HER

can’t forget about syd and doc berkowitz, which like. okay first off the good doc. just. god i love the doc. he’s so sweet and such a genuinely good dude and he’s a bit of a coward at heart but that’s okay because he genuinely cares and does his best and god he’s just such an amazing character im !!!!! and then syd is such a dork and i love them and elena and god, it made me so happy to see not only an actual enby character on a big sitcom, but also just?? like??? it’s not forced but it’s still there??? like there’s one episode where one of the plots is just syd and elena trying to figure out what elena should call them, since neither of them are comfy using “girlfriend” for syd since they’re not a girl, and they finally agree on “significant other” and schneider imMEDIATELY says “dont you mean, SYDnificant other?” and then they use that for the REST OF THE SHOW IT”S SO CUTE OKAY

and finally, schneider. he might be my favourite character in the entire show (which is a damn hard list to pick from!!!), but he’s just. he’s so sweet, he and penelope have one of the absolute best male/female friendships i’ve ever seen (which! never! turns! romantic! ever!!!), he’s actually got surprising depths but he’s also like such a nice goofball that when they get revealed, it hurts, and he’s just this canadian dumbass (heyyyyy repreSENT) with the worst goddamn canadian accent sometimes and he’s a hipster and The Dumb Friend and the weird uncle all rolled into one and GOD, i love him so much

the good place and brooklyn 99

okay, i love these two both so, so much, but i’m lumping them together because a) they’re both mike schur shows with a similar sense of humour, that say gay rights, and with characters who’d definitely love each other if they met and b) my hand is getting tired from all this typing but i still have so much love to go around!!!!

okay so so SO! they’re both so good. they’re so fucking funny and amazing and i was immediately hooked on both of their pilots. their characters are all so genuine and flawed and fucking hysterical to watch, and the ships and friendships are all so amazing and pure and good and soft and they have their problems and they WORK THEM OUT HEALTHILY AND IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY OKAY!!!

god, i literally cannot overstate how much i adore these two shows. mike schur, you’re a wonderful, wonderful dude. thank you so much

many musicals (top faves include BOM, hamilton, legally blonde, chicago, matilda, and more!)

i’m putting the musicals together because while i do adore each and every one of them individually, i also just have great big deep-seated love of the art of musical theatre itself in general, ya feel?

like, as someone who’s been both performing and viewing them from a very young age, the sheer sense of utter joy they bring is almost unparalleled

not to be That Bitch who quotes musicals, but “and that hop in our hearts as the overture starts lets us know how lucky we are” might be the closest i’ve ever gotten to finding words to fit the feeling when the lights go down and the show begins. it’s simply phenomenal

the others series by anne bishop

okay, OKAY, if you haven’t read this series (first book called written in red – they have terrible titles but god, they’re worth it), then what are you doing with your life? like, not only is there the perfect logicality au to them (just sayin’), but god, it’s such an incredible series

the worldbbuilding is so cool and the characters are all great and god the ships are the damn hill i die on it’s got literally such a good “sort of enemies mostly just dislike each other to reluctant acquaintances to friends to lovers” ship and it deals with some serious issues rlly well and it’s got baby puppies!!!

like, they’re wolf puppies, but still, they are b a b e y

and finally (for now, at least), the mysterious benedict society, by trenton lee stewart

this book series was my childhood. i mean, there are so many other books i could be talking about right now that i utterly adore (the artemis fowl series springs to mind), but gosh, MBS just brings me such absolute joy to read that i just had to have it on here.

i’m not thinking straight at this point in the evening, but i just wanna say that i will never, not ever forget about reynie. about kate. about sticky. about constance. about rhonda and number two and milligan and miss perumal and my absolute son sq pedalian and, of course, i will never, never forget about mr benedict

it’s bright, and it’s bittersweet, and it’s beautiful.

and it’s good. simply, utterly, wonderfully good.

thank you for the ask, anon.

thank you.

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vaingloriosa · 7 years ago

Text

Under The Twinkling Lights

John Wick/ Reader

Words: 1.9k

Summary: The wedding of your vile cousin was a pretty hard pill to swallow. You remember that you had to find a date somehow to one up her. That’s when your finger hovers over John’s name on your phone.

Request: Fake dating au where reader asks john wick to go to her cousins wedding with her as her fake date bc she and her cousin hate each other and she doesn’t want to be made fun of so she asks him and he’s like sure and they fall in love over the weekend.

Tagging: @kwaiky, @ly--canthrope

Requested by: @truely-the-darkest-timeline

Author’s note: imma just say that wow... i had a whole bunch of fun writing this. tweaked the request a bit to fit this vision i had on the direction i wanted this fic to go on. shouts out to my parent’s for such a power move!

You are cordially invited to-

You throw down the invitation in irritation. You know damn well your cousin only sent this invitation out of courtesy and not out of the genuine kindness of her heart. She would much rather have your creepy next door neighbor come to the wedding instead of you if she could.

The story behind your hate towards one another is rather simple: your grandparents had always held a favoritism towards her. Spoiling her, paying some of her tuition for college, and actively praising her for basic human growth. On the other hand, your grandparents couldn’t even spell your name right, let alone give two cents for college. No matter how hard you tried, you were never enough for one side of your family. Never good enough to be as prestigious as them, whatever that meant. Ever since that one family reunion when you were younger, you had never hated anyone more than your cousin.

You sigh as you begrudgingly pick the invitation back up to read the rest of the stupid thing. Your eyes lay on those little words: plus one. You close your eyes for a moment and realize that you had to bring somebody to this wedding. And not just anybody; you needed a boyfriend.

You scratch your head and groan out loud. How dare your cousin put this amount of pressure on you? You sink lower into the couch to contemplate your options. You grab your phone then know exactly who to call up.

John’s name appears along with the multiple heart emojis you use for his contact name. You smile slightly at your phone. John’s a good friend you met through a mutual friend of yours. Ever since that encounter, you’ve went out for coffee, gotten dinner together, and, well, you two could easily pass as a couple.

Yet if he’s only just a friend, why is your heart fluttering like no tomorrow?

You bite the bullet and press “call”, curling up on the couch and rest your head on your open palm. After three tones, John picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, John, it’s Papa John’s Pizza. We’ve noticed you haven’t ordered one of our hot delicious pizzas in the past week and we’re wondering if everything is alright?”

You hear John sigh at how terrible your joke is. You snort at his reaction and wait to see if he’ll play along with it.

“Does that mean I get free pizza?”

“No, bitch, we’re a business. We don’t give free handouts unless you’re disgusting capitalist who definitely doesn’t need free things.” You hear a pause after the last sentence. You may have possibly spilled too much truth with that one.

“Well, if there is no free pizza involved, then what’s up?” John asks while you take a tight grip of your knee.

“All jokes aside, I need to ask you a question. Sort of important. It’s okay if you say no...” you begin to trail off.

“Okay. Hit me.”

“My cousin is getting married. You know, the one I can’t fathom. Anyways, I was wondering if you...could...be my fake boyfriend for the occasion? I just don’t want her to make fun of me for going solo, as superficial as that may sound. Like I said you don’t have to go since it’s for an entire weekend.” You bite the bottom of your lip in anticipation of John’s answer.

“Yes.”

You nearly lose your breath over his answer. “Really?”

“It would be an honor to be your fake boyfriend.”

You pace back and forth while looking down at your phone. Where the hell is he? Your heart is racing just thinking about confronting your worst enemy. You don’t think you can do this without-

“Hello, you.”

And there is that snarky, condescending tone of your cousin. You shove your phone back into your purse and push a fake smile on your face.

“It’s nice to see you too.” There’s an empty silence between the two of you. You could pick out the awkwardness one by one if you could. You two stare each other down, your cousin craning their neck quite a bit. Once again, she plasters a forced smile with gritted teeth.

“I see you’ve come alone despite putting an RSVP for a plus one. A shame but not surprising.” She huffs but before she can cram more bullshit and nonsense, you watch her facial expression change from defiant to, well, surprised. You feel a hand on the small of your back.

“Sorry I’m late, love,” John kisses you on your temple, “Traffic was wild. You know how I always pack last minute so there was that. Then I had to give Daisy over to a friend of mine to dog sit.”

He stops and extends his hand towards your cousin. You are in bewilderment but realize that John is trying to save your ass from the devil.

“John Wick, Y/N’s boyfriend.” Your cousin nods her head up and down while she shakes his hand. She immediately breaks the handshake and tries her best to appear normal.

“Welcome, welcome! Hope you two enjoy the weekend!” Your cousin smiles, darting her eyes at you as she takes her leave. You turn to John who is observing the mansion before you two.

“Talk about great timing,” you breath, your eyes wide with relief. You watch as John removes his gaze from the house to you.

“One of my many talents.” John opens up his hand for you to take. With a cheesy smile, you oblige and all worry about your cousin diminishes. If John could strike fear into your cousin’s eyes, then you should just marry him then and there. But that could be the wedding talking.

“So, turns out that there is only one bed.” You swing your interlocked hands back and forth. Nothing felt foreign to you about the feeling; almost like touching him felt natural to you.

John hums at this revelation. “Guess we’re just going to have to sleep together since you know, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend.”

You’d be lying if you said your heart didn’t burst a tiny bit.

Through the dumb wedding rehearsal and getting through the actual wedding ceremony, you manage to remain on the ground with John by your side. The whole fake relationship shtick turns out to be so much easier than you expected but it’s no reason because it’s John. Everything you do with him seems so natural and in sync. You can tell that your cousin definitely doesn’t want to admit how cute you and John look together even though everyone else appears to root for you two.

Though your parents were taken aback that you found a boyfriend and never told them, John’s charm and cuteness won them over and instantly forgave you. You thank God for that close one. As you watch John interact with your parents, that made you realize that you are incredibly lucky to have someone like him in your life.

If only you knew John felt the same about you.

John fell in love with you gradually. Every time you two met up, sparks flew and he had to pinch himself sometimes to find out if any of this was real. Never had John ever fallen this hard for someone. Watching you enjoy life without apology, never letting people in the way of your success, and being a beautiful individual made John’s crush that more deep.

That’s why this wedding is a perfect opportunity. Carpe noctem.

With the wedding reception in full swing, you take another hearty sip of your glass. Whatever is in this alcohol must have been spiked to the nines because after two glasses, you felt like you were on cloud nine. You have even forgotten why you were so angry with your cousin for the past several years. Yet you are still coherent enough to know you still had a role to play in this wedding. Getting up from your seat at the table, you grab John’s hand and drag him to the makeshift dance floor in the backyard of the estate. John doesn’t hesitate, more eager to finally get his plan rolling out.

The DJ picks another upbeat song from the band Sheppard and the crowd instantly comes to life around the two of you. Your red silk dress flows in every direction, radiating your every move. John twirls you around and causes the most beautiful effect of your dress becoming like waves in the ocean.

An ocean he can’t wait to be in.

As you giggle at the atrocities of John’s so called “dance moves”, the music fades and someone comes right behind John to pass him a microphone. Your eyebrow quirks as you didn’t know it was time for karaoke. You didn’t even know John even sang. The crowd on the dance floor are also intrigued and stop in their tracks to observe the situation.

“I, uh, didn’t really prepare for this.” John gives a half smile and a dry laugh, rubbing the back of his neck out of nervousness. You smile in confusion, eyes narrowing at him.

“John?”

“My love, I’ve known you for what seems like forever. I like to think that the moment I met you that fateful day, my life had started anew. Our dynamic, how we learn from one another, how we lean on each other through the thick and the thin. In a relationship, people assume that you have to give 50/50 but we’re smarter than that. Some days I can give only 25% but you carry me on for the both of us. Other days you can only give me 25% and I give you what each other needs. Sometimes we forget who we are to other people because we see each other for who we are.” You swallow harshly as John makes his way to where you are in the middle of the dance floor. The people surrounding you two had since made a circle around you two and begin to whisper to one another.

“That’s the beauty of love. The layers of love are complex and what we have goes beyond that. Love is a journey, not a destination, and I want to be with you throughout this ride. So-”

You feel your heart racing to an abnormal heart rate. You clasp your hand over your mouth while you watch John drop down to one knee, place the microphone next to him, and pull out a velvet black box.

“Will you marry me?”

Tears stream down from your eyes with a wild mix of emotions. Everyone around you gasps and erupts in a thunderous applause. You nod excitedly, making the audience clap and cheer even louder. John comes in for a hug and lifts you off your feet. As he spins you around, he whispers into your ear.

“Well, will you at least be my girlfriend?”

You snort and let out a chuckle.

“Yes, a thousand times yes,” you reply to him as he drops you gently to your feet. Without hesitation, you bring John to your lips and kiss him like you craved this feeling for centuries. You hear an obnoxiously loud gasp from somewhere and you know exactly who it is. You stick your middle finger in the air to tell your cousin to shove off and that you have the high ground now. You hear stomps of heels click off with a sound of agonizing groans following behind.

You don’t dare open your eyes from this moment to observe whatever dumb reaction your cousin had caused. Nothing matters now. What matters is you, John, and you two kissing under these twinkling lights.

#angel writes #john wick x reader #john wick #john x reader #john wick imagine #john wick imagines #keanu reeves x reader #keanu x reader #keanu reeves #💖 QUEEN OF ROMANCE Y'ALL 💖

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pastpassages · 4 years ago

Video

youtube

This isn’t particularly a “me and natsuki” song so much as a “this seems to capture some of the way I experience love and also the world” song but. I wanted to put it here and some thinky thoughts bc it’s late and I feel like pontificating I guess. Properties/fandoms/people I mention but do not want to draw the attention of have been censored, if you can’t figure out what they are and really want to know feel free to message me.

Cw: exploration of like. The inevitability of death, and change, and facing the vast universe. Tl;dr this song is macabre and its speaker knows that wishing for things to stay as they are is in vain, but does it anyway. That fuckin gets me bro.

Ideally the read more will work. I apologize if it doesn’t. I’m on mobile and not sure that tumblr will let me edit posts on desktop that I started on mobile. I literally copy and pasted this freaking post onto desktop so it would have a read more bc no one fucking deserves to scroll through my late night mile long thoroughly existential ramblings. At least I’m posting this fuck off late at night so hopefully it won’t bother anyone

The simple instrumentation, first off. It’s p much the same…one? Two? Maybe three measures? Repeated throughout the song, but I think it works very well with the themes and meaning and doesn’t annoy me like other acoustic-style music with so much repetition (*cough* M*mf*rd and S*ns *cough*). This is partially I think bc there’s changes in the notes etc between different parts of the song; the measure of silence between the intro and the first main stanza of the song, the change in. I think it’s key? Over the course of repeating the chorus. (It’s been so long since I’ve done music, stanza isn’t the right word and key probably isn’t either hELP)

But the main thing that seems to get me: the lyrics.

“How lucky / I ever was to see / The way that / You smiled at me / Your little moon face / Shining bright at me / One day soon, there’ll be nothing left of you and me / Two coffins for sleep” (I may have put too many line breaks in there lol but that’s how it Feels so I’m keeping it)

There’s this constant awareness of the inevitability of loss (specifically death in this case), and how. Mm, how to put it. The randomness of the universe can so often work against us, and being aware of that makes you incredibly thankful for the times when things do go in your favor. Very similar vibes to TWRP’s Life Party, though definitely more macabre in tone.

Going back to the first stanza in the song:

“Two coffins for sleep / One for you, one for me / We’ll get there eventually / In the dark of our graves, our bodies will decay / I wish you’d never change”

Something I find interesting about this portion is that, despite ending with “I wish you’d never change,” acknowledging that this change, death, is inevitable, there’s still this. Hope? I guess might be the right word? Or maybe faith. That the speaker and the person addressed in the song will be together in death. They will be in separate coffins, but “we’ll” get there; “in the dark of our graves, our bodies will decay. Plural. They may be separated physically but they are undergoing the same process, and perhaps there is some measure of togetherness in that. It may just be economical phrasing to fit the rhythm of the song, but it still implies a togetherness to me. It could have been phrased "I’ll get there and you’ll get there,” “in the dark of the graves, our bodies,” or similar. Again, that probably wouldn’t work with the rhythm and there is probably not an inherent meaning to it, but still! I was an English major, reading more into things that aren’t necessarily there is like My Job lol.

Anyway, before I got sidetracked by that thought I was going to say that the main point of this portion of the song is this sort of impossible wish for the speaker and the person addressed to not be separated. Yes, this is inevitable, yes, there is no fighting it, but…wouldn’t it be nice? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a small kindness from the universe like that, to not be separated in the end. It won’t happen, but let’s take a moment to imagine it anyway.

Another side note, this is kind of a similar thought process to why I like the way st*vens *niverses handles its villains. Yes, talking and emotional connection with those you’re in conflict with doesn’t always work. But isn’t it nice to imagine a world where it does? And if we do imagine that, maybe we can find a few ways to be more compassionate in our world, to extend grace and kindness where we might not have thought to otherwise. And perhaps that will make the world just a tiny bit better.

Anyway. Moving forward:

“All the things that I have yet to lose will someday be gone too / Back into annihilation / All things will fade, maybe it’s better off that way / I wish you’d stay with me”

First off, the phrasing “back into annihilation.” We come from nothingness, we will return to nothingness. This is not a religious song. There is not an afterlife waiting for us, nothing that created us. There is the life we have, here and now, and then it’s gone.

Otherwise, this stanza continues the overall theme: we inevitably march on towards death, and separation. We will lose all that we have. Perhaps that is good, ultimately; would it truly make you happy in the long run to never experience pain or loss? This is a sentiment that I’m sure has been expressed many times by many people, but that I remember first hearing from st*r tr*k, though I cannot currently find a clip of the moment I’m thinking of. Not that human life is inherently bad or painful, but that pain is a necessary part of life to balance the good. If there was not pain of some kind in your life, you would not appreciate your happiness so much. Obviously, this line of thinking only goes so far; it is not, for example, a good thing that marginalized people tend to experience outsized pain in comparison with the nice things they receive from society. Happiness for marginalized people is more often forged and seized, stolen from life rather than given freely by it. No, poverty does not “make you appreciate the virtues of life” more, it makes you hungry and tired and frustrated, can you please just take some action against it. Conversely, j*ff b*z*s could probably use a bit more pain in his life! ….I got sidetracked again. Wish tumblr had a footnotes feature. Anyway. The speaker acknowledges the inevitability of death/loss, but once again expresses that vain wish to not lose the person addressed in the song, to keep what they have in this moment. Once again, this will never happen. Let’s imagine it anyway. Perhaps it will be a comfort, despite its improbability.

After this, the chorus is repeated, eventually shifting into a repetition of the phrase “Two coffins for sleep,” finishing the song. To return to the instrumentation, the guitar and drums follow a consistent, simple rhythm, mimicking that of walking. Constantly moving forward, even when we don’t want to. We will die, eventually, “one day soon,” far off and yet much closer than we hope or want. Change is inevitable. Death is inevitable.

And yet. That small, vain hope remains. “I wish you’d stay with me.” “I wish you’d never change.” Maybe, in a kinder world, we could keep this moment as more than a memory. “How lucky / I ever was to see / The way that / You smiled at me.” In all the cold randomness of the universe, against all improbability, we did meet. We brought each other joy. “Your little moon face / Shining bright at me.” We reflect the good, the kindness in each other. “One day soon, there’ll be nothing left of you and me.” And yet. And yet. “Two coffins for sleep / Two coffins for sleep.” Separated, and yet together, even if it’s just an illusion.

To explain why this means so much to me….I’m not sure I can do it succinctly lol. But hey, this post is a mile long already, so why not. No one’s obligated to read this lol.

When I was younger I was more religious. (This is not a “religion/spirituality is a childish thing and I have put that behind me” point, don’t worry.) When I was a teenager I was an atheist for like. Edgy points, idk. I was starting to see some of the worse parts of the world, starting to wonder what gods who truly cared about the world would let it get so horrid for so many. I’m still fairly young (mid-20s is not old, I must keep reminding myself), but now my view is…somewhere in the middle of those two points. Or maybe it’s more that I took a left turn?

The point is, now I kind of don’t care whether there is a god/are gods, whatever. You know how when you’re a kid (barring abusive circumstances that break this illusion much earlier etc) you believe that your parents know everything? They can fix anything, they’re your parents! They’re your whole world! And then you get older, and you realize that no. They don’t know everything. They were your whole world, perhaps, but there’s literally billions more people in the world. People that you can connect to, learn from, build things together with. The world is so much more than you and your parents. That’s the stage I’m at with my belief in a higher power. Sure, they might be out there. But they’re just one being, how could they possibly understand and control everything in this fuck off complicated world of ours? Or, if you’re going the polytheistic route, they’re just as complicated as the rest of the world. Chances are, appeasing one would anger another. One step forward, two steps back. (I should make it explicit if it wasn’t already clear, I come from a Xtian background. I default to thinking of god in the singular. Not sure how well this point holds up from a polytheistic perspective tbh!)

Anyway. It does not matter whether there is a higher power. There is more to the world than that. We are here. We have each other.

There’s a moment in night in the woods that hit me like a truck. Angus says, “so I believe in a universe that doesn’t care, and people who do.” I have essentially taken four times as many words to express that same sentiment! But like. That’s it. It doesn’t matter whether there’s a higher power. If they can fix the world, they haven’t, and if they can’t, then they can’t. We can, piece by piece. Moment by moment.

The thing about this. Is that humans. Are not, by nature, necessarily good. “People are fundamentally people,” as TPratchett and NGaiman put it. The world is infinitely complicated, and on top of that we as individual humans are infinitely complex. We do not, by default, seek out and work towards the good of others. (We do not inherently seek out hurting others either! Get that original sin shit out of here!) But like. If there isn’t a higher power that’s going to just fix our shit for us? If we’re all we’ve got?

And thus. Finally. The reason this song speaks to me. Oh my lord is it existentially horrifying to think that it comes down to silly, insignificant, flawed humans to change the world. You have to find something to give you joy. Or at least a moment of less pain. The world is so vast, and we can do so little.

But we have each other. In this vast, empty universe, I have you, and you have me. And perhaps, to soothe our fears and make things just a little easier on ourselves, we can pretend that the world will be kind. Wouldn’t it be nice? If things were kinder. Let’s take a moment to imagine it. There, that’s a nice thought, isn’t it? The world will not be kind. But for a moment, we can pretend it will.

Perhaps, if we are very lucky, we can even take a small step towards that kinder world.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

#long post #just in case the read more doesn't work #i am so sorry if it doesn't #i TRIED yall #anyway. this was originally going to be on my...other...blog #which is why i make a reference to 'me and natsuki' song #if u know what that means cool #if you don't i will not explain it #you will have to live in mystery #or fuckin. do some research to figure it out it's probably not that hard but im not giving you the answer #AN. Y. WAY.#hope yall are having a good day the past few have been an emotional roller coaster for me and i think that's why all this is going through #my head #i didn't want to have all of this swirling endlessly when i was trying to sleep #so instead i stayed up to write it all down :)#clearly. i have made a good decision /s(?)#beep boop im gonna have a snack and then go the fuck to sleep #oh also. fuckin buried way too late in the tags #but if you do read this and there's something you think i should have tagged/warned for feel free to let me know!#i'll add it to the warnings etc

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