#i’m stuck at a football game right now so i might as well be productive

[sandu-zidian]

Blabbing about this Musician!au I started last summer that has now also turned into a marching band!au because I got sad and nostalgic because despite how shitty it could be, marching band defined my high school life and social life and I couldn’t had asked for anything else.

I also don’t have every single prequel character (because this au is surrounding the prequel characters) in Star Wars smacked into here, and I gave up halfway through a couple of months ago in terms of brainstorming. Anyways, this is hella long so check everything out under the line if you’d like! don’t want to spam everyone with something that’s like, 4 pages long

Now, you might be asking. What instruments are these characters playing, or what are they doing in marching band? well, boy oh boy do I have some lore for you.

Anakin Skywalker: alright lets start of with the “Chosen One”. Now, I gotta say. He’s got some intense brass vibes, specifically high brass. But I don’t know. He didn’t really mesh well. And given his natural talent with the Force in canon, I thought that Anakin would be a sort of prodigy. And we all know the two instruments associated with that: the piano and violin. He’s more of a piano dude, so here we go! piano prodigy Anakin Skywalker. He also gives mad drumline vibes, and I can see him as either the lead snare, setting the tempo, or the main quad player. He’s brash, slightly obnoxious, but damn is he fucking good at what he does.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: I literally started this AU on the idea that Obi-Wan would play the cello. One of the defining quotes for him is that fucking “infinite sadness” quote. And we all know that cellos play some of the saddest pieces out there. (see: Elgar cello concerto) However, I can’t see him as a marching band dude. He doesn’t really give off color guard vibes (since that’s where most non-band people go to) so I have him as the resident student helper who everyone tolerates because he brings ice cream after band camp.

Ahsoka Tano: Ahsoka is a flute player. As a flute player, I have intimate knowledge on this. She’s like the chill flute player who’s competitive enough to keep her position as principal, but is also chill enough to not have a big ego that butts heads with everyone. She also gives mad color guard vibes. Also speaking about that from personal experience (am I lowkey projecting my own experiences on her? you didn’t hear that from me). She seems like the type to love swing flags and sabre, and is 100% captain by senior year.

I have Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Ahsoka as siblings in this AU because I say so. Qui-Gon is around here somewhere as the resident hippie dad who lowkey smokes pot and will support his children while giving a big ‘fuck you’ to Dooku. 

Yoda’s also in here somewhere, and I love the idea that he’s an old Chinese/Asian man who refuses to speak english and will only do so with the most backwards grammar so his grandchild (Qui-Gon) and great-grandchildren (the trio) are forced to speak Mandarin/Cantonese to him (pick your poison). He just spends his days cutting up fruit and also might pull out his erhu if everyone asks nice enough. (I want to say he was a Peking Opera musician, but immigrated during Mao’s reign after he lost opportunities during the cultural revolution)

So, I know that it doesn’t make sense for a family to have 3 sets of twins and one triplet set, but fuck that I do what I want.

Cody Fett: okay so, Cody 100% plays the french horn. I don’t know, he just, he does. He’s got that air of sophistication because he can play the hardest brass instrument, but at the same time, he’s incredibly good at it and is matter-of-fact about it. He also would be the mello section leader (I was playing with the idea of drum major, but for now, leaving him as a section leader for now). He’s a bit uptight to be a low brass player, but cool enough to still be associated with the general brass group.

Rex Fett: I got Rex and Cody as the eldest Fett twins. Rex feels like a string player, so I have him on violin. I can see him be very hardworking and practicing diligently to the point where he easily sweeps through to concertmaster in high school and the local youth orchestra. He also gives of mad drum major vibes. I can see him copying music, handing out drill charts, and hauling the met around. Also, just think about Rex doing a fancy ass salute at competitions. Yes.

Next round of twins lets gooo

Jesse Fett: You could say Jesse has brass vibes. I see him as a reed person though. In concert band, he’s on clarinet. I used to think clarinets were as stuck up as us flutes but no they’re literally balls of chaotic energy ready to be unleashed. Just imagine Jesse blaming everything on his reed. I see him as the guy who switches to saxophone for marching band, though. He’s got the energy of the clarinet and the saxophone harnessed. Also, wouldn’t be surprised if he knows how to play the sousa.

Kix Fett: Y’know, when I originally made this AU, I had Kix as a musician as well. I’m gonna scratch that. He’s going to medical school, or at least, he’s planning to. He’s on the pre-med track and is dying in organic chemistry and wishes there weren’t so many pre-requisites. However, in high school, he definitely played the oboe. Of course Kix chose one of the hardest instruments to play. Also, just imagine him trying to make his own reeds. I don’t see him as a guy who’s in marching band. He’ll come to competitions and maybe football games if he’s bullied into it. Kix is the guy who’s classes are all AP and he’s dying inside.

Next round of twins yeet:

Fives Fett: shit, I forgot I gave them all real names. If I remember correctly, Fives is Frank. Anyways, trumpet vibes. Need I say more? He’s on the trumpet in marching band as well and he’s the dude who’s obsessed with DCI and always tries to play as high as he possibly can and absolutely demolishes his chops. I would say he’s section leader as well. He also hangs with the drumline at the back of the bus and always plays meme songs on blast and sends weird pictures to people’s phone via open airdrop.

Echo Fett: I think his birth name is Ethan??? I’m spitting thoughts not checking my old documents. Anyways. Echo feels like a string person. Specifically, low strings. So, he plays the bass. Upright bass. Whatever. You get what I mean. He sleeps in the case after school and hates hauling it everywhere. He was in marching band as a mello player (the easiest brass instrument to pick up for the activity so) but he was in a car crash that left him paralyzed from the hip down, and had to quit to recover. He never stopped playing, and found ways to adjust. (I do not know how exactly this would work, since I’m able bodied and also don’t play the bass, but I know he’d at least have a stool to sit on in order to lean his body on. let me know if you have other ideas i’d love to hear them!)

Finally, we got the triplets:

Dogma Fett: Dogma plays the bassoon. He’s a low reed kinda guy and between the bari sax, bass clarinet, and bassoon, he fits the last one the best. He and Kix moan over making reeds and he’s on the quieter side. He just vibes and plays all the low notes and has fun whenever he’s got some moving part. I see Dogma as someone who is only casually into marching band. He uses Jesse’s old student clarinet as his instrument and he’s always on time, knows his sets, and his technique is on point. He always finds himself roped into his brothers’ shenanigans though.

Tup Fett: Tup plays the harp. I like to think he met Shaak Ti (we’ll get to her in a bit) when he was young, and she was playing with an orchestra. He met her backstage and she offered to give him lessons. Tup’s not really a part of high school orchestra but sometimes he’ll be brought in. He’s more involved with solo work and the youth orchestra more than anything. Tup’s another on where I don’t think he’d be into marching band. Though I can see him being in winter guard as the dude who just shows up and is lowkey rip and therefore is a hunk on the rifle. His technique’s good but they’ve never been able to saddle him into fall guard.

Hardcase Fett: (i’ve given up on remembering the birth names so i’m just gonna not) Hardcase is 100% low brass vibes. He can’t be anything but a low brass. I see him as a tuba player. He’s chill, laid back, but also reliable for being the foundation of the band sound. He plays the sousaphone in marching band and always blasts either Seven Nation Army or some other popular show tune right after rehearsals. Hardcase also can play the bari sax and no one knows when he learned how to. 

OKAY we’re done with the Fett’s! Jango and Boba are in here somewhere but honestly I don’t have enough brainpower to come up with what their roles are. Jango’s gonna be a good dad though. Maybe he was a musician and that’s why most of his kids are going into music. Or maybe he’s just a supportive father. Boba’s the youngest though, that’s for sure. And he’s a little shit. Don’t know if he plays an instrument (probably) or what it might be.

Now lets get into some other characters! There’s a lot. And I wasn’t even halfway done with the characters I wanted to include. What the hell was I on last summer?

Padmé Amidala: Padmé is a flute player who quit after freshman year of high school and started taking music production and music theory classes. She loved it so much that she decided that composing was her jam. Now, she’s highly successful and often works with well known pianist, Anakin Skywalker, on piano concertos. Also, she may or may not be dating said pianists but you didn’t hear that from me.

Satine Kryze: twosetters don’t shit on me but Satine feels like she’d play the viola. She and Obi-Obi-Wan definitely dated in high school but after a year broke up on mutual terms and are just good friends now. A lot of people feel like she’d have been a better political science/international studies major than a music major but she’s good so no one complains (until she gets into a fighting match with someone and wins smugly)

Bo-Katan Kryze: shes Satine’s younger sister and is a mad athlete. She doesn’t play any instruments but she’s deeply active and is on scholarship for college, on the pre-med track with Kix. She’s very scary and most people are too intimidated by her to approach.

Plo Koon: I originally had him as an asian man, but I can see Native American as well. He plays the euphonium and he’s just a sweet man. He helps out a lot with private lessons at local high schools and is often brought in to help with low brass during marching band.

Wolffe Koon: Wolffe and Gregor (get to him in a bit) were both adopted by Plo when their parents died when they were very young. Plo was their godfather and he took them in like they were his own. They’re cousins to the Fett brothers (though don’t ask me how I have no idea). Wolffe is an engineer and works close to home.

Gregor Koon: Gregor is Wolffe’s younger brother and had a short stint of musical interest in middle school but quit after he entered high school. Gregor was in a serious car crash during college that left him amnesiac for a year before some of his memories returned. He now owns a restaurant and sticks close to home. Wolffe often comes around to check up on him because his brain injury still impacts his current life in small physical and emotional dips

Kit Fisto: Kit gives off mad trombone vibes and it’s mostly because he seems incredibly laid back. He’s one of those brass players who’s just a nice guy and while jokes around, never got pulled into jokes as a student.

Shaak Ti: like I said above, Shaak Ti is most definitely a harpist. She has that ethereal quality I think is common in harpists. She’s a tall Indian woman and she loves her job! She’s a private lesson teacher and instructor at the conservatory on top of her job in the orchestra since she’s not called in often to play. She loves all her students and gives good hugs.

Mace Windu: Mace is the director of the Jedi Symphony, the orchestra which almost everyone is involved with. He is a bass player and he likes his more classical pieces over contemporary music. He’s good friends with Yoda and sometimes the old troll has to wack some sense into Windu and have him take on newer pieces. Windu 100% gives off unhinged director vibes because mistakes and lazy musicians definitely don’t end after high school/college is over.

Quinlan Vos: this lil shithead definitely is the obnoxious, slightly arrogant, but kind of deserving of that, percussionist. He loves his snare drum and is also in the drumline. He’s the same age as Obi-Wan and the two are close friends. Quinlan is definitely slightly unhinged and is always at the back of the bus causing havoc after competitions. He’s the guy that I (OP) hate but also can’t help but respect cuz yeah he’s annoying but at least he’s good.

Aayla Secura: Aayla is Quinn’s half-sister, and plays the French horn. Again, like Cody, she’s got this air of professionalism that I associate with French horn players and like, we gotta represent the girls in brass somehow. She just fits it really nicely.

I feel like now is the time to list who’s still in conservatory and who isn’t: Obi-Wan, Anakin, Rex, Cody, Jesse, Quinlan, Padmé, and Satine are all recent graduates. Ahsoka, Aayla, Fives, Echo, Tup, Dogma, and Hardcase are still in conservatory (at varying years of course). Kix and Bo are entering med school/frantically applying and banging their heads cuz MCATs. Wolffe and Gregor are older and have been in the field for quite some time now. Plo, Kit, Shaak, and Mace are all faculty/seasoned professionals.

Somehow, I was gonna bring in The Skiratas (with proper research cuz I know very little about them), Dooku, Ventress, the Oppress siblings, rest of Domino Squad, Cut Lawquene, the other CCs, and more. I designated a page out of my sketchbook for this and my oh my the flow chart was hella confusing. How I thought I was gonna handle that in the summer before my first year of college, I have no idea. Maybe I’ll brainstorm more in the future but for now, this is all I have :]]]

Also excuse some of my slightly unhinged language I started writing this a few days ago while slightly unfocused and tired and stressed so my language is a product of that

[loosenedidylls]

Blessings, Curses, Autism

My earliest memories are of waiting rooms with musty carpets and buckets of donated, broken toys. I guess it was worse for my parents, who had nothing to stare at but walls and trashy lifestyle magazines. Eventually, the professionals decided I had a condition called Asperger’s Syndrome, and there was one thing they wanted me to understand:

“It’s a blessing, not a curse.”

If someone asked me to list blessings off the top of my head, I’d mention 20/20 vision, pitch-perfect hearing, or George Foreman’s chin — not a neurological disorder that transforms the most natural stages of personal development into a confusing struggle. In hindsight, I would have preferred more concrete advice than ‘it’s a blessing, not a curse.’ Something like:

“Watch out for the train!”

…But the quippy slogan is what stuck. My parents dispensed it like a cheap plaster, and I still don’t know whose benefit it was for — mine, or theirs. What I do know, is that I never once believed them: I felt I was being brushed aside, or told to accept something blatantly untrue. Besides, children don’t care to question whether they’re blessed or cursed, so it was an answer to a question that hadn’t been asked. Existentialism is for adults trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Being an Autistic Child.

Autism is not a superpower. Thanks to certain pieces of popular media, you might think of autistic people as quirky-yet-brilliant detectives, awkward-yet-sexy hackers (always female), or nonverbal children with a deep, instinctive connection to whatever animal or alien the protagonists are trying to communicate with. Often, people with severe autism are plot devices in the same vein as a forbidden orb or set of nuclear launch codes. Instead of damsels waiting for Bruce Willis to save them, they’re objects waiting for Bruce Willis to understand them.

A lot of autistic people are brilliant academically, though not for the reasons you might think. A common feature of autism is hyper-fixating on ‘special interests’, obsessing over a subject until one has learned everything about it, before moving on to the next. Very few people become maths geniuses this way; more often they become diehard Sonic fans or start giving lots of money to Games Workshop. Here are a few of the phases I went through:

-          Thomas the Tank Engine.

-          Pokémon.

-          Old English monster myths.

-          Naruto.

-          Peter Jackson’s King Kong (both the movie and the video game).

-          Bleach (the anime, thankfully, not the cleaning product).

Fairly normal interests for a young person, right? Now remember the hyper-fixation part. People with Asperger’s tend to focus on certain interests at the expense of others, and those ‘rejected interests’ are usually vital for social development. Now remember that high school is a psychopathic hellscape crawling with cruel little monsters ready to vent their newfound territorial instincts on anyone who doesn’t fit in. The kid who wants to discuss the depiction of brontosauruses in a sort-of-okay remake of a 1933 movie isn’t doing himself any favours — constant bullying drives him even deeper into reclusive interests and solitary hobbies, and from there, it’s the luck of the draw whether those hobbies resonate with any of the kids around him.

I’ve always known a lot about things no one knows about, and nothing about things everyone knows about. This, along with the fact that a lack of social life makes it easy to focus on one’s studies, creates the illusion that some autistic kids are eccentric geniuses-in-the-making. Parents — especially the parents of autistic children — are quick to latch onto any display of intelligence. They watch intently for any sign their long struggle is paying off, and when it happens, they praise their child endlessly, reinforcing behaviour patterns both good and bad. Because adults told me I was intelligent, I told other children I was intelligent, and you can imagine how well that went.

This misapprehension — confusing a bunch of random trivia for genius — followed me into high school, hurting me all the while, which is ironic, because it was the only positive way I could think about myself.

I’m lucky to have found books and writing as lifelong passions, but that almost didn’t happen; in fact, I used to despise any writing task the teacher set for me, to the point of outright refusing to do the work. In my defence, I was trying very hard to be somewhere else at the time — mentally, that is. The idea of putting my feelings on paper, for all to see? I couldn’t conceive of anything more terrifying.

Harry Potter changed things. I was gifted The Deathly Hallows when it was first published, and even though I had no idea what was going on in the story (I hadn’t even seen The Order of the Phoenix yet), I thought it was wonderful — maybe because I was getting a sneak peek into a future movie. Since then, I’ve always had a book close at hand, and it wasn’t long before I started writing my own novels (more on those another time).

 Voracious reading was, technically, another un-social activity that would consume my waking hours, but at least it was productive. My grades improved dramatically. I got good at writing essays. I became better at expressing myself, and I started to consider other people’s points of view. I made friends, lifelong bonds. I wouldn’t say I was happy at that stage of life — bullies tend to push back against things like improved mental health — but at least I was growing.

Looking back, I can’t help but wonder how close I came to disaster. I was 13 or so. If I’d left it any later, I doubt the outcome would have been so peachy. There are plenty of autistic adults with no friends, no employable skills, no human contact but ageing parents and rare, fleeting therapy sessions. Many of these people are quirky and brilliant, but there’s no happy ending for them.

Being an Autistic Adult.

Autism never goes away. It never gets ‘better’. It isn’t curable because it’s not a disease, despite what the vaccine deniers might tell you; autism is an intrinsic part of my neurological makeup, and living with it is a process of compromises.

I had to accept, early on, that I’m not the same sort of human being as the people around me. My brain is a different brand of brain: it makes different connections, processes different bits of data at different speeds. Things that seem obvious to you, need to be explained to me. I struggle to read a room, and I’m never quite sure if the person I’m talking to would really rather I shut up.

Put simply, my childhood experiences made me keenly aware of myself as an outsider. I need to watch for people’s reactions to anything I say or do, all the while navigating a maze of social cues and left-unsaids — but sooner or later, I’m always going to slip up. When you are differently-brained, it’s easy to misinterpret instructions, or to misjudge which thread of discussion is most important; and when you’re processing so much data at any one time, small-yet-vital points are going to slip under the radar. The result is being told off, being laughed at (‘laughing with you, not at you’ is another fun slogan I’ve learned to endure), and generally feeling stupid or useless for overlooking one point of data among hundreds.

 As I grew into an adult, I got better at performing normal. Nowadays, only those who spend a lot of time around me can spot the signs of my condition: I seem confident, funny, sympathetic, and I make friends easily. As I write this, I can’t help but feel uneasy: it makes me wonder, and not for the first time, how much of my personality is genuine. In high-stress situations, the generic piece of advice is ‘relax and be yourself.’ Succeeding in life as an autistic person means learning not to be yourself, or at least creating a version of yourself that can exist in public — so, where does the real me end, and the performance begin? Are they one and the same? I’ll never know the answer to that question.

Being an autistic adult, then, means pretending I’m not autistic for the benefit of other people. It’s a lifelong, often exhausting performance, and the temptation to retreat into my shell is ever present. But, just like anyone else, I long for human contact, so the compromise is a necessary one.

Blessings & Curses: Redux.

Terry Pratchett wrote that humans need to learn to believe the little lies so they can believe in big ones. There’s something I wish I knew during the bad years; that I was far from the only person suffering from my condition. My parents were stumbling in the dark just like me, except they had to pretend everything was under control.

My dad confided in me, recently, how he used to cry — a lot — during those days when I would return from school after another worst day of my life, talking about footballs thrown at my head, being cornered and verbally abused, or being removed from class after another tantrum. These were practically daily occurrences, and they’ve left their lifelong marks on me, but I’ve never lacked for brilliant people willing to help, people who were alongside me in my suffering. Raising a child is hard, and raising a neurodivergent child is even harder. Can I blame my parents for wanting to believe in blessings, and not curses?

Most of the time, those bad years seem like a distant memory. I don’t see autism as my blessing or my curse; it’s just a part of me — a frustrating, limiting, often embarrassing part of me, but one just as vital as my eye colour or ethnicity. I’ve come to accept it and be content despite it, and I suppose that’s the best outcome I could hope for.

[stonerbughead]

Maria watches friday night lights (#24)

I’m here! The final season! 5x01, here we go.

“Don’t you just love summer in Texas? 7 am and I’m already sweating like a whore in church.” This, set against the montage of summer in Dillon with trash pick up and kids running through a sprinkler, is true perfection.

let’s dive in, under the cut:

Lol is that Tinker driving alongside Vince and Luke running? Hilarious/wholesome image.

Buddy as a radio host really truly makes so much sense. Why didn’t they think of this sooner lmao

Oh my babe Tim!! on the inside but he’s getting out in three months, ok I see that

“I kinda coached you.” “Coach was my coach, billy.” Lmao “You could be a little more enthusiastic.” “Sorry, Billy, but im in prison.” Uh yeah. read the room, Billy!

Oh Tim, my poor babe 😭 wants to be visited *less* by his brother and friend. Abolish prisonssssss ugh

Oh Tami coming into the first staff meeting and immediately proposing the rest of the staff do more work probably isn’t the most strategic choice lol

This reminds me a lot of teacher meetings in season 4 of The Wire, with all of the staff talking about particular problem children the system is failing. And oh boy they all hate a teenage girl named Epyck. “I just wish she wouldn’t come into school.” Uh you should not be a teacher, miss! But also: you all need more resources.

Jess and Vince are as cute as I knew they’d be omg. “I thought you might need help with the laundry.” OKKKK

Ugh poor Becky! her dad is so gross. She’s stuck with her—I’m sure—evil stepmother and half sister? Major yikes!

The idea of Billy working for Eric Taylor is...interesting. And his argument is basically “you are inspirational and could make me a better person under your influence.” Man, only a mediocre white dude could get away with this!

Yessss Devin is still here playing in a band with Landry and that drummer whose name I can’t remember — oh jimmy okay! Devin is still the coolest character in this town.

Wow Landry is playing a show with his hometown band the night before leaving for college? That’s...a choice!

Oh geez something about Buddy and Eric watching mainly Black kids play basketball whilr recruiting for the team...and of course the one Buddy has his eye on is the one white kid lmao I can’t

“I’m not football stupid.” Lol good one.

“Worst instincts of american culture—violence, aggression.” Okay sexy! what’s your name white kid with moves?

“You’re in Texas now. You love the game of football. You just dont know it yet.” LOL

Aww Tami talking about how this girl Epyck all the other teachers hate has never been properly cared for to succeed is exactly why a guidance counselor like her needs to be in East Dillon. but yeah she’s bout to learn REAL fast what lack of funding and institutional racism look like! Eric is right about her not being the big cheese anymore and being able to change everything at once.

“Yes I’m stealing a basketball player but I’m doing it one step at a time.” Lmao

AWWWW Eric saying “I’m gonna miss this” quietly while eating with his family bc Julie’s about to go to college!! My heart.

“Oh boy oh boy” — literally me, physically tensing up, when Billy tried to give his little inspirational speech to the football team toooooo much he is so cringe. OMFG he read “if you can believe it you might achieve it” off a piece of paper from his pocket and attributed it i literally cannot

“The hippie? What for?” Lol that basketball player is considered a hippie in Dillon? Hilarious. The south is wild.

“These kids are being forgotten.” “Tami, it’s a matter of resources.” “I’m your resource!” Yes Tami but you alone cannot fix dozens of kids who are products of being in a system with lack of resources since before they even started elementary school.

Damn big Mary is out franchising and being corporate dad while Jess watches his children?? Not cool.

“So who is this guy?” “He’s not the punter, you wouldn’t be interested.” LMAO VINCE GOOD ONE

Aww Landry came to say goodbye to Mrs. Saracen. Aw he’s going to Rice? That’s a good school.

OMFG Mrs. Saracen has Landry’s music in her MP3 player???? My fucking heart 🥺

Grace is soooo cute holy shit

Oh wow does Crucifictorious or whatever have fans singing along? It’s really nice that Julie went out of her way to go.

Are we contrasting this with an East Dillon farm party? Ew so drunkenly kissing farm animals is what these kids do for fun huh

“I like knowing that I can do whatever I want. I’m a free spirit.” LMAO I hate this guy

“I’m gonna miss this.” “Miss Dillon?” “No I’m gonna miss the Alamo freeze and all their cool treats and hot eats.” LMAOOOO Landry

Omg they’re reminiscing about Matt working at the Alamo freeze. “I miss his little white hat.” L O L

Lol Landry and Julie say their final goodbye in the strip club, nice. “I’ll see you at Christmas.”

Omg Eric searching through their boxes for ping pong paddles so he can play a final game with Julie has my whole heart. Omfg and they found her Girl Scout vest.

Awww they’re playing in the garage, the season 1 vibes, oh my heart.

Oh so is the basketball coach mad about Hastings playing football? Wild culture truly.

(In the end, a teenage boy can’t help but answer the siren call of other teenage boys chanting his name)

Oh poor Andre acting out about their parental neglect at the Classic. Too real but babe it’s not Jess’s fault 😭

Go Tinker!!!

Hastings knowing some strategic info about another team from basketball, very interesting touch.

Wow Hastings somehow doing well without knowing what he’s doing or seemingly understanding football is hilarious.

“Lions win, lions win! Oh, the humanity! Alarm bells are going off all over Texas right now!”

Oh wow it’s happeninggggg

Ewww Becky really has an evil stepmom like Jesus can she have any positive parental figures

Jess and Vince are cute af. Vince helping Andre out 🥺

Honestly yeah I don’t blame Becky for wanting to leave that emotionally abusive household. The found family code in this town is so well established by now. like, Billy is obligated to take Becky in bc Tim considers her family and I’m like, yep!

Ohhh the Taylors sending their first kid off to college, emotional!!!

[seth-storm]

How Did I Forget You?

A/N: I’m not apologizing for not uploading, you all know that I procrastinate and write when I feel like it *shrug*

Pairings: N/A

Warnings: Homesickness, Nostalgia

Patton sat on the floor of his room, numb. He was supposed to be cleaning, but he suddenly didn’t feel like doing anything at all. A book had tumbled off his shelf and landed at his feet. He had crouched down to put it back, but when he saw what it was sat on the floor and looked at it somberly. His old yearbook from two years ago, before he had moved away. He still talked to Logan daily, but he was the only one who had tried to stay in touch. There was also... Patton thought about it for a moment, surprised and ashamed he couldn’t remember. There was a group of his best friends. How could he not remember their names? He cracked open the book and looked at the first page, where all his best friends had signed. They had signed before Patton told them he was moving, because he didn’t want to get a lot of “We’ll miss you”s in his freshman yearbook.

“I look forward to being in band with you next year Patton! Maybe next year we should both try out for the musical! I’ve heard they’re really fun. And any production would be honored to have a bright star like you in it. They wouldn’t be able to keep the crowds away! I will come to your house and eat all your Oreos before next school year, so expect to see me soon!” Patton giggled to himself at the inside joke. “Best wishes, Roman White.” Patton mentally kicked himself. Roman! That was his name. How could he have forgotten? He felt awful for forgetting. He wanted to track down Roman’s Instagram and apologize immediately and maybe have a nice conversation with him. He almost did so before sighing. No. It had been two years. Roman would probably have forgotten about him by now as well. He didn’t want to be a burden living a thousand miles away. He read the message again. He had actually joined the drama program at his new school, and was in the concert band. But the band wasn’t very good, and Patton wasn’t particularly great at acting, either. He looked at the next message.

“Friend Patton, I have been informed by your parentals that you are moving away and didn’t tell me. Not only am I horribly betrayed, but I am going to make sure the group spends the entire summer with you before you leave. Because remember, we can and will fight you with affection. Sincerely, Logan Hayes.” Patton smiled at the message from his friend. That’s right, Logan had found out he was moving before he had told the group. And just as he promised, the group hung out a considerable amount before he left. Memories of the summer prior to his move began flooding back. It wasn’t that he had forgotten, he just hadn’t thought about it in a while.

“Hey, Pat. Thanks for encouraging me to join the baking club with you. Being in an after school activity... was kind of fun. I know, shocker, Virgil can have fun. Thanks for dragging me to dances and bringing a ridiculous hat for me because you knew I’d forget it was spirit week. Have a great summer, Virgil Parker.” Patton frowned. Virgil was in the group, and they were great friends, but Patton couldn’t remember what he looked like. Flipping through the pages, he finally found Virgil’s picture. Oh, that’s right. He was a dark skinned boy with black braids in his hair and the awkward smile that he had whenever people told him to smile. His genuine smile looked much better on him. Flipping back to the front page, he read the next signature.

“BROOOOO! What’s up? Wait you can’t respond LOL. Have a great summer dude!! I can’t wait to see you next year! Think of all the fun stuff we’ll get to do! Can we make sophomore pranks a thing? I don’t want to wait for senior year! Keep the beans in the fridge, Remus White.” Patton snorted. “Keep the beans in the fridge” was something Patton’s band director had said one time instead of “cool beans”. Remus played the bassoon, and Roman played the trumpet. Patton played the flute. Remus was also on the football team, which never won any games, but the band was always there to support them. Patton’s new band was very small and not very good, so losing was less fun at his new school, if that made any sense.

“Dear Patton, I hope that you will have a great summer. You have a heart of gold and a smile of diamonds. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, but remember their name and tell me later so I can fight them. I’m sure the others would help. HAGS, “Deceit” AuBuschon.” Patton smiled as he remembered that when he had met Damien, he couldn’t remember his real name and would somehow always end up calling him Deciet. The name stuck, and that’s what he became known as among the group.

He saw a few other signatures from people who he didn’t remember at all or only vaguely remembered. Some were short and meaningless, a few were what he assumed were inside jokes he had long forgotten, and some were just odd.

“Moo. -Joan.”

“HAGS! -Talyn.”

“My sleep is really in the blender now XD -Remy”

“See a Therapistsaurus Rex, Patton, we love you too much for you to be a Depressadactyl. -Picanni”

Patton shut the book, wiping tears from his eyes that he wasn’t sure he remembered crying. He looked around his messy room, now feeling even worse than he had before. Sure, he was going to visit next summer, but what if they’d already forgotten him? What if he was just trying to beat a dead horse? What if someone he’d forgotten expected him to remember them? How could he go back just to say goodbye again? He walked over to the corner of his room, picking up his guitar. He’d feel better after he wrote down his feelings and sang them. Putting music out there made him feel like he was playing for his friends again, and letting the feelings sit in the air instead of inside him made him feel numb instead of sad.

After about an hour of writing and trying out different chords, Patton switched on a video and recorded the song so he wouldn’t forget the melody later.

“This is called ‘Scars’,” Patton said to the camera. “I wrote it.”

Back home they won their football games

Is what I like to say

But it seems like in both states of mind

Neither quite knew how to play

Why do my old yearbooks weigh more

Each new page is twenty pounds

And the new ones are like feathers

Because those people are still around?

I carved memories into my heart

But slowly they're fading, fading like scars

There's people I wouldn't recognize

If I ever returned

And people who wouldn't know me

If they saw all my burns

Back home they had a giant band

And everyone knew how to play

But here the music wavers

And my instrument sounds gray

I never acted on a stage there

I wasn't talented enough

But in my new school of low standards

Even I can make the cut

I carved memories into my heart

But slowly they're fading, fading like scars

There's people I wouldn't recognize

If I ever returned

And people who wouldn't know me

If they saw all my burns

I'm coming back when the sun comes out

I think I might end up crying

Because they won't know who I am...

But we'll be friends

I'll meet them again

But I'll have lied

When I promised I wouldn't forget them

I said I wouldn't forget them

Tell me how did I forget them?

I didn't want to say goodbye

Patton took a deep breath, blinking back tears. He didn’t want his voice to crack on the recording, so instead he looked at the camera with a broken gaze and drew in a shaky breath, continuing to sing.

I carved memories into my heart

But slowly they're all fading, fading like scars

There's people I wouldn't recognize

If I ever returned

And people who wouldn't know me

If they saw all my burns

I carved beautiful people into my heart

But some already forgot me, some of them still are

Trying to recognize me

Hoping that I'll come by

But even if I do

It'll lead to another goodbye

Patton ended the recording and broke down into tears.

Taglist:

@stop-it-anxiety @sapphirebluluvsu @remusownsmyuwus @flyingturtlecat

[dcmesticity]

the heart of keaton jameson ; the path of the ardent soul.

you fall asleep with too many things on your mind. after the quests and the completion of jasper's trial, you feel a spike in your strength. whereas you might have doubted it before, now it's clearer that the blood of immortals courses through your veins. you're quicker and stronger than you've ever felt before. on this night, you fall asleep and "awake" in a dream. something about it is familiar, like you've been there, or maybe you've seen it from somewhere. describe where you are.

—— keaton is in the middle of a school’s football field. not the one that he trained and played in and was still familiar with but possibly one belonging to another team that he had played against once or twice. the smell of the grass welcomes him and makes his heart ache with nostalgia. a vague memory of a life he likely will never return to.

as you stand in the middle of the field, memories of a life before all of this flood into you. you blink and, when your eyes reopen, there's a figure standing in the end zone closest to you. you can barely make out their form and begin to approach. the stadium lights over head flicker, beaming down on the figure as you get closer. finally, you're able to make out details of what the figure is. what does it look like? is it a person? a creature? describe the figure that you see.

—— the figure appears to be one of keaton’s fathers but not. his face looks familiar but not exact, as if he has been distorted. like someone had tried to draw him from memory. the features just aren’t 100% right. It’s like he has all of the detailing of a overwhelmingly faded photograph. he’s not dressed like himself, or any other normal person in 2020, instead he’s draped in white robes.

the robed figures turns to look at you. his face is recognizable, but only because you know what to look at. his features are faded, smudged almost. his hands are clasped in the white robes, folded neatly in front of him. the lights illuminate him in an otherworldly glow. he nods his head at you and begins to speak. as you listen, you notice that it's difficult to make out. the voice sounds as if it's muffled by something, a barrier. as if speaking through glass or underwater. you concentrate and the voice becomes crystal clear. what does it sound like? does it belong to your father? is a womans? does it sound animalistic? describe what it sounds like and how it makes you feel.

—— when keaton’s “father” speaks. his voice changes with each word. man and woman alike. each voice sounds like someone that keaton has met and known in his life but it’s not enough for him to determine what each one is. a coach? an english teacher? his prom date? his first girlfriend? and his first boyfriend? he wasn’t sure. but it chilled him to the bone and made him regret where he was standing. the father finally settles on one voice, that of a man that he does not not recognize.

for a moment, the cycle of voices continues, each word a different inflection, a different tone. finally, the figure settles on something. it's ominous, as if something he's heard and not at the same time. the figure steps forward, hands outstretched in welcome. "why are you here, son of hestia? in this place? what significance does this bring you?"

—— keaton avoids the eye contact with the figure that somewhat resembled his father and thought about the question. he didn’t really remember this place that well at first. then the smell of the grass hit him in a second wave and he suddenly remembered the patterns of the lights and the color of the bleachers. “this is the stadium of a rival team.” he looks around, the memories flooding back and almost overwhelming. “the bulldogs. punk asses. my dads were fighting that entire week. there were times where I thought they were gonna duke it out with punches. they didn’t give a shit about sports but I was always a competitor. I always had to play some game and make myself the best at it. I just always had to be the best.” His voice trailed off into a whisper on that last sentence. Keaton seems deep in thought and it’s a few moments before he can bring himself to speak again. “This was the first game where they had ever come to see me play together...and I scored the winning touchdown. The whole ride home...they were so proud of me! The most they had ever been. They didn’t fight for a whole month after that. I used to think of this field as....a symbol of peace for me. Even when things went bad i could remember how happy everybody was that day. I guess I just forgot about it after one of them died.”

the figure listens as you speak, unmoving. as the colors of the rival team begin to take root in the bleachers, in the banners hung around the stadium, painted across the field. "is being the best something that you crave or is it an innate part of you, son of hestia? do you allow yourself failure?" the robed figure asks. it moves around you now, as if gliding along the grassy terrain of the stadium floor. behind you, you feel a hand on your shoulder. "do you blame yourself for the fighting or do you see yourself as a symbol of peace, a way to create balance within the home?"

—— it was a question that he had never thought of before. success was the key to happiness. productivity was the key to success. it was why he never let himself falter, why he stuck true to putting himself full into everything that he did. because if he was the best he would always succeed. “it feels like a high.” he couldn’t believe he said that out loud. “if i’m always the best then I always win. if I always win then everybody’s happy.” keaton didn’t want to think that he blamed himself for the fighting though a part of him did. but the true answer lied in the latter. “I was always the thing that they could agree about, y’know? when it came to me it was smooth. so I made everything about me. I made it about me with sports and trophies and competitors and practice. when I worked hard it paid off. for a while.” the sound of the people in the bleachers chanting almost made him tear up. did he actually enjoy football? did he actually enjoy sporting? or did he just enjoy the sounds of success?

the figure sinks into the ground before reappearing in the bleachers. you notice the seats first, the same ones that your fathers sat in when they came to this game together. he speaks and, although you're still in the field, you hear the words as clear as if he was standing beside you once more. "and yet you gave that up and answered the call. why? were you tired of being the only one holding onto that burden, the string between two sides to keep them together?"

—— “there wasn’t a better feeling in the world.” keaton said softly. he crouched down until he was close to the ground, head in his hands. “but it didn’t work anymore when my dad got sick. there wasn’t a trophy big enough in the world to tie that together. they stopped showing up and i wouldn’t even see them until i hadn’t been on the field for hours. the first time....” keaton choked up as he wiped away silent tears from his cheeks. “the next time i saw them together was when my dad was dead in his hospital bed. i didn’t even see his last words or nothing. just gone.” keaton suddenly remembered the vision he had after he drank the ambrosia. in the dream he was in a hospital bed being told he couldn’t play anymore and it was the surviving dad next to his side. keaton then remembered when he was drowning in the blood in Egypt. he had called out for both of them, even the deceased one. as if he didn’t remember. as if he had buried it. “i kept playing. but I didn’t enjoy anymore. it felt empty. I thought getting into the league would do something for that but I guess I won’t ever find out.” he wiped away another tear with a fake smile. “I guess I came because....what did I have to lose?” he missed his remaining father deeply but he hadn’t know what it was like to feel his true authentic self until he came to olympus. the part that he never knew. the part that didn’t solely exist to please others.

"i believe i understand." the white robed figure says from his seat amongst the bleachers. "this was the key to being who you thought you could be, without the need to keep people together, without the pressures placed upon your shoulders." in a flash of bright lights, as one of the stadium lights fizzles out, the figure is standing before you, he cups your face with both hands, drawing your eyes to his featureless, blurred face. you see a glimpse of your father's smile, a proud grin that stretches from ear to ear, before it's gone, replaced by the same smudged imagery from before. "who are you now, keaton? what is different than before?"

—- when the figure shows the face of his deceased father instead of the strange imitation, keaton doesn’t bother to wipe away the tears. instead he lets them fall freely like waterfalls of emotion streaming down his skin. keaton’s eyes are wide and full but with shock and joy rather than sadness. what was different now? how could he describe it? all he could muster was “I’m home.”

the figure's features shift into a smile at the answer. "home." it repeats, the voice is a haunting echo, it fills the stadium as if the words are being played by the marching band, a vast crescendo until it dies down into nothing more than a whisper between you and the figure. "and what is home, keaton? what does it mean to you now?"

—— keaton wipes his tears away once more. he feels as if he’s unlocked something hidden deep inside. something he kept shut away so that it couldn’t look at him or poison his thoughts. but he didn’t feel poisoned. he felt cured. “home is where the heart is. “ keaton smiled, his bright white teeth on display as he did. “my heart is in olympus and the fire finds its home in me.”

the figure places a hand on his shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze. warmth spreads throughout your body, as if your own inner fire is spreading throughout your veins, warming you from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. "many think fire is destructive in nature, son of hestia. that it cannot be loved in a way that doesn't allow it to become volatile. that it cannot be sculpted into anything other than a monster it was destined to become." the figure stands in front of you now, hands cupped together and outstretched before you. in his palms, dancing around his fingertips, is a flame. it flickers in the night air, but does not spread or extinguish. "but you know the fire to be something else. when you think of the fire inside of you, what do you feel?"

—— keaton thought of all the uses he had made for the fire of the hearth since he had received it. he used it to guide his friends and illuminate their way. to protect them, to feed them, to warm them. keaton had used it to fight corruption and save lives. “i feel the light, man. the fire is a guardian and a safe house.” the heat that keaton felt reminded him when he casted one of the more taxing spells of his. it didn’t give him a rush like competition had, instead it just made him feel safe. “i think of the warmth.”

the robed figure holds his hands out to you and you watch as the fire in his palm grows in size. it still stays between his palms, gliding over his fingertips. "the fire is yours, son of hestia." he urges you to take it, to hold it, to feel its warmth. "i believe i understand you more. i will lend you my power and we will see each other again, when you're ready."

—- keaton hesitantly reaches out, almost shakily and touches the fire with his hand. fire usually didn’t affect him anymore but he could feel the heat of this one very clearly, so much that he almost recoiled. but he didn’t, he let the fire consume him. keaton looked down in awe as parts of it seemed to absorb into his skin. who was this figure? what power? he had so many questions.

you wake up in the middle of the night back in the bed you fell asleep in. you feel warm, the entire room feels it, but it feels like home, even while you're not on olympus. you fall back asleep, content, still feeling that familiar power grow inside of you. when you wake up the next morning, you feel more refreshed than you think you ever have before. 

[allinlowercase]

If I Could Tell Him - Chapter Four

Chapter Four - Family Portrait

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five 

Summary: Alaska hadn't intended to be slingshot back into 1960. Life doesn't always live up to our intentions. When she and her friend Jackie are supposedly hit by Paul's car, they are by chance swept into the Beatle's orbit. But while Alaska struggles to reconcile her lost future and past, Jackie is unable to contain her excitement.

January 23rd, 1963

I sat in the living room, my leg bouncing up and down as I waited for my phone to charge. Interestingly enough, my phone wasn't as beat up during the crash as I thought it would be, although the screen protector was so cracked that I had to remove it. I smiled when the battery finally reached 100%. It was an iPhone 8, which meant that it suffered from the garbage decision to only have one shared port for charging and headphones. This was, of course, a mild inconvenience in the grand scheme, however, since the only task I could perform with my phone was listening to music, it was frustrating.

I pulled up the Spotify app and thanked God that I'd had the sense to download all my favorite music for offline. I needed Ariana right now, and I didn't relish the possibility of having to wait 60 years for Sweetener. Of course, none of the McCartney clan were home at the moment. I was alone, working on a few job applications. Paul's pocket wasn't limitless, and I'd already spent valuable hospital money on what Mr. McCartney deemed "respectable working clothes", which really meant single-colored skirts with matching shirts. I looked like a damn secretary, but seeing as how that was probably the only job I'd land in my situation, it was appropriate. I'd also managed to purchase a small box of feminine hygiene products.

They weren't so much for me as they were for Jackie whenever she was released. My birth control was a small implant inside my arm (there was no telling how the removal of that was going to go if I were still here in the next four years), but Jackie had been on the pill, which was not readily available yet, and wouldn't be for another four years as according to her. I rested my head back against the seat of the couch.

I was sitting as I usually liked to: on the floor, back braced by the couch, legs spread straight underneath the coffee table. Mr. McCartney and Michael as well thought it improper the first time they'd seen me sit that way, so I made a habit of only doing this when I was alone.

I got to a part in one application that asked for my parentage. The official story was that I could not remember where Jackie and I had been staying for our "trip", and Jackie remembered nothing at all. I hoped that that would help account for why we didn't have passports ("we can't remember where our luggage is") and why the English government was going to have a time and a half trying to find any American records of us. I kept hoping that there was some kind of loophole I could indefinitely exploit, like "oh, I was born in a bathtub in Butt-Fuck, Nowhere, so the state has no record of me" or "my family died in The War". For now, we were on temporary visas until whoever was in charge of us could find a proper permanent solution.

I heard a door open and shut and quickly ripped the one earbud I'd had in and shoved my phone underneath the couch in a panic. I was terrified of messing up time-space. Paul turned a corner and came striding into the living room with one of his bandmates. I didn't really know one from the other yet. Maybe John?

Paul cracked a smile at my position on the floor. I'd resolved to really only wear my future clothing as a kind of at-home wear, them being dark wash jeans and an emerald green sweater. His bandmate took one look at me and started laughing.

"Macca, that's the bird you hit with a car?" he wheezed. I frowned at him, not really understanding what was so funny about me. I'd seen girls wearing pants in these parts . . . occasionally.

"Well kind of, the one that got hit-hit is still in the hospital," I deadpanned. This seemed to calm him down a little and he looked almost sheepish.

"Right, I apologize. That may have been uncouth of me," he said. That was kind of an apology, so I kind of forgave him, nodding in response. Paul cleared his throat as he sat down next to me, on the actual furniture.

"Well then. Alaska, this is my friend John Lennon. John, this is Alaska Dunn; she's a guest of mine," he introduced primly. Inwardly, I congratulated myself on my earlier guess. I stood up and stuck my hand out to shake.

"Hi," I offered simply. John took it and pumped a couple of times. His handshake was firm, the skin of his hand warm. It felt weird to analyze someone's handshake. Is this how Dads feel?

"Well, girly, we're here to work on official Beatles business and as much as I enjoy an audience, this is secret stuff. Run along now," John said dismissively, making a shooing gesture with his hand. I wrinkled my nose at him but did as suggested. As if I want to be in the presence of this asshole anyway.

Paul snorted. "John, don't be rude. Alaska, you're welcome to stay, but it might be loud in here." I smiled in response.

"Thank you, Paul, but it'd be best for me to leave then. I need to finish these up," I said, gathering my applications from on top of the coffee table. Paul shrugged and moved to sit at the upright piano in the corner. I had a fleeting thought of grabbing my phone from under the couch, but John was still looking at me to leave. I figured it would be better to leave it there and come back later.

From the living room, I went and sat at the kitchen table. It was probably not that much quieter than staying in the living room would have been, but I liked the solitude. I looked back at the line asking for my parentage. My father wouldn't be born for another ten years, my mother for eight. I leaned back in the kitchen chair, a little lost. It kept hitting me anew how serious this situation was. Everyone I'd known, except Jackie, didn't exist yet. I was going to miss Kennedy's senior homecoming game; we had a tradition of going to Steak n' Shake after every home football game, and even Steak n' Shake probably didn't fucking exist yet.

My cheeks felt wet and I reached up to realize, I'd started crying. Oh, that was great; any moment now my vision would get blurry and my throat would get tight, and at any moment John fucking Lennon could walk in and see me crying. I could guess he'd probably have a field day. I started to gather up my things to move upstairs when I heard a throat clear.

In the doorway stood Paul. In the other room, piano continued on, the same stilted melody playing over and over as John worked around with it. Paul looked a little uncomfortable, the same guilt coming out again. I sighed.

"I'm not crying because of John, this isn't your fault," I offered. Paul nodded and moved until he was sitting at the table with me. His eyes caught the area on my application where I'd tripped up. He swallowed and nodded.

"But I do understand what you're going through, at least a little." I knew he'd lost his mother at an early age. "How recent . . .  has it happened then?" he asked softly. I swallowed thickly, my throat starting to hurt.

"Not much longer than before I met you actually. I'm still processing it," I said, some tremble in my voice. I cursed myself; I didn't want Paul to feel sorry for me, even if some small part of me was desperate to reach out for comfort. He nodded solemnly, and, hesitatingly, put his hand on top of mine on the table.

"It doesn't get better per se, but it gets easier to focus on other things as time goes on, I think. I was fourteen you know when my mum passed," he told me, softly. I turned my hand over so our palms were touching and squeezed his hand. He smiled small, at me. "I won't bother you for details, I'm sure that wouldn't help. But I'm here if you need me."

"Paul! Get back in here, I'm onto something," John yelled from the other room. Paul smiled and rolled his eyes. With that, he stood up and patted my shoulder before leaving the room.

A/N: Hello, thank you for reading, as always. Oh look, another wild Beatle, in a Beatles fanfic! And it only took me four chapters.

[tigerwalk3]

Secret Santa Fics

We did a Christmas game! We asked Santa for fanfic written by our favs and he didn’t disappoint with his delivery. Looks like we were all put on the nice list because the fics we wished for couldn’t have been better. And since it’s the season for giving, we’re sharing with all of you!

Happy Holidays!

I wrote this fic for @thematsaidwelcome79

XOXOXOXOX __________________________________

“Bullshit.”

“I swear.” Rick made a cross sign over his heart, though he couldn’t hide the giddy smile on his face. Daryl was less amused.

“You’re telling me you didn’t rig this shit? Ain’t no way outta all these people, you just randomly pulled your wife’s name out of that hat.”

Rick quirked an eyebrow at his friend. He really hadn’t messed with the rules—Carol wouldn’t have let him anyway—but he was more struck by Daryl’s choice of words in his accusation. “My wife, huh?”

“Ain’t she?”

He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel of the van as they drove back to Alexandria, pondering that. Of course she was his wife. Though, they hadn’t actually discussed that. What he and Michonne had wasn’t going anywhere, and it felt a little trite to call her his girlfriend. She was the mother of his children, his soulmate, if that didn’t make her his wife, no ceremony would. Still though, he wondered if she had thought about the fact that they hadn’t made that official yet. She’d never said anything. But would she—

“Hey!”

“Yeah,” he said, shaking his head. “Of course she is. But I didn’t rig the secret Santa thang. Sometimes you just get lucky.”

“Bullshit.”

“Who’d you get?”

“Eugene.”

…

Rick got home late that night, after Michonne and the kids were already asleep. He and Daryl had made what had become a weekly run into the city. They’d taken the whole group the first time, but now that they knew what areas to avoid, and cleared the rest, the two of them could manage just fine. Besides, this whole Secret Santa thing wasn’t gonna be possible if Michonne was with him whenever they were outside the walls. He’d lied and said he was missing his time with Daryl and she’d packed a sandwich for the both of them and waved them off.

He felt a little like the real Santa tonight, though, as he unpacked the backpack he had filled on the trip. The more essential stuff already went straight to the pantry, this was all for them. Michonne had found stockings in the attic of the house the year prior, and once they had found out about R.J., she’d made a fifth one to add to the mantel. It was red and black flannel, made from an emergency blanket he’d swiped from the trunk of a car, but she’d embroidered his name on the front and even found some white trim to decorate the top.

He plopped down in front of the fireplace and sorted his haul. A barbie for Judith, a football for Carl (that wasn’t going to fit in the stocking, so he set it aside to be wrapped somehow.) and a whole set of vintage matchbox cars for R.J.. Michonne might not approve of him playing with those yet, but he couldn’t leave them sitting on the shelf at that empty, burned out antique shop. Another thing he hadn’t been able to leave still sat in his pocket.

He stuck what he could in the kid’s stockings and hid the ball, then rifled through his pack for the little gift bag he’d found. It said Happy Birthday and had a picture of a cat in a party hat on it, but it would do. This was only day one of the gift exchange and besides, better he not give himself away by going out of his way to find the perfect wrapping. No one else would put in that effort for this little Christmas game.

He filled the cat bag with three silk headbands and some cowrie shells he’d traded Cyndi for, and crept back outside to set it on the front steps as per the rules. As soon as he opened the door, he saw Abraham approaching and he tensed. This couldn’t be good news if he was coming to knock on their door in the middle of the night. He was about to call out to him, when he noticed a package in his hand wrapped in shiny red paper. Since he had picked Michonne, and the kids weren’t involved in this game, he deduced that it had to be a gift for him.

“Rick,” he said, startled.

“Abe. What’s going on?”

Abe shoved the package behind his back and shrugged. This was exactly Rick’s objection to this when Carol suggested it. Grown men giving each other Christmas presents? Secret ones at that? It was a little awkward.

“Nothing, boss,” Abe said. “Just out for a walk. The night air is good for the old respiratory system, ya know. The lungs…”

“Right.”

“How about you? You delivering something?”

Rick looked down at the bag in his hands and glanced up the road toward Daryl’s house. He wasn’t even supposed to tell Daryl who he’d picked. He certainly didn’t want to get caught blabbing to Abraham. “Yeah, uh, was just headed out to drop it off.” He trotted down the steps. He would circle around, throw Abraham off the scent. He shook his head and headed left. This entire thing was so ridiculous.

...

Ok, maybe it wasn’t completely ridiculous. Rick beamed over his cup of coffee as Michonne tied the little shells he’d left for her into her locs. She had been so excited when she saw the little bag on the steps, that his cold, Grinchy heart had started to warm immediately. When she pulled out the headbands and gushed over the print and material, he felt like Scrooge on Christmas morning. Transformed.

He’d also found the little red package Abraham had left him. He’d opened the paper to find six cigars of different brands. He supposed even when you didn’t pick your wife in the draw, this idea still had its merits.

The next day went just as well. Michonne’s eyes practically bugged out of her head when she’d opened the original copy of the Articles of Confederation. He might have been showing off with that one, but if the end of the world wasn’t good for something…

Abe had left him a bottle of whisky, giving him the final push into all out Christmas cheer territory. Maybe he could get himself one of those ugly sweaters for Christmas morning. The kids would hate that. Michonne would love it. He was putting it on his list for the next run.

…

The next run happened to be the next day which was good timing, because after the reaction he got to the first two gifts, he wasn’t satisfied with the chocolate bars and tea he had planned on leaving her next. It wouldn’t really matter once she saw the fourth and final gift (he hoped) but still, he was on a roll, why stop now?

“So what’d you get Eugene?” Rick asked, hiding his laugh as he and Daryl cleared the aisles of an abandoned CVS.

“Hit the jackpot yesterday,” he said, plunging his knife into a lone walkers skull and shaking off the blade. “Found a pyrotechnics place outside of Hyattsville. Left him a bag full a morning glories. Should keep him occupied.”

“And what’d you get?”

Daryl reached into his pocket and pulled out a clean, red bandana, wiping his brow. “Ain’t even got any blood on it yet.”

Rick laughed. “It’s a Christmas miracle.” He shoved aside the last walker he’d put down and stepped over it to get to the aisle he was looking for. “Here we go,” he said, grinning. Bubble bath and lotion. Michonne had already used all of the products that came with the house when they moved in, and she was always looking out for stuff for the kids when she was on runs with him. She’d never get this stuff for herself.

He used his forearm to swipe the contents of the entire shelf into his backpack, then strode a few more aisles down and picked out a real gift bag. They hadn’t put out the Christmas stuff yet when the businesses shuttered their doors, so a plain red one would have to do. He even found a bow.

…

“Look at all this stuff!” Michonne dug through the overflowing bag of toiletries, holding up the pretty bottles to R.J. as he lay on his back on the blanket on the living room floor. The baby cooed as she showed him one by one.

Rick took a sip from his new coffee mug, printed with the words “World’s Greatest Boss” and smiled. Carol deserved a medal for this idea.

…

The final day of the Secret Santa was actually Christmas Day (as far as they could tell and had decided as a group). When he checked the front step, he found a pair of socks and some jerky with a note that said: “have a Merry Christmas, you’ve earned it -Abe.” Rick smiled and put his arm around Michonne who was a little dejected.

“Maybe your person is gonna deliver it later today,” he said, trying to keep a straight face. He’d already planned on giving her his gift later, after the kids went to bed. “The final day it’s not a secret anymore, so maybe they want to hand deliver it.”

“Maybe,” she said, holding the robe Carl had gotten her closed against the cold morning air. Her frown quickly turned into a smile when they walked back into the house and watched the kids play with their new things.

By the time everyone was put to bed, they were exhausted. He sat down on the couch and held his arms open for her to join him. She leaned her head against his chest and sighed happily. “It was a nice Christmas,” she said.

“It sure was.”

“I wonder what happened to my Secret Santa.”

“I don’t think he forgot you.”

“He? You know who it was?”

“Of course I do. You think I’m gonna let Carol organize someone else getting my wife gifts without me knowing who it is?”

He felt her stiffen, then turn slowly over her shoulder to look at him. “Your wife?” she asked, her eyes wide in a good way, like when she’d seen those headbands, but even better.

“Yeah. My wife.” He kissed her forehead and laced his fingers through hers. “At least that’s what I want you to be. If that’s something you want…”

She nodded, her eyes getting teary. “Yeah. I do.”

“Wait. Don’t say I do yet.” He shifted slightly so he could reach the little box in his pocket, pulling it out and setting it in her hand. “Michonne, nothing I could say could make you mean any more to me than you already do. The truth is, even this seems like an understatement in this day and age, but traditions were made for a reason, and while we’re rebuilding the world, maybe this is one we want to keep going. So…” He opened the box to show her the platinum and emerald ring he’d found in that same antique shop where he’d picked up R.J.’s cars. “...if you wouldn’t mind doing me the honor of wearing my ring, I’d like for the whole world to know what I already do. You’re everything to me, not the least of which is my wife.” He slid the ring on her finger and she stared at it while she wiped her eyes with her other hand.

“It’s beautiful, Rick. Now can I say I do?”

He reached up to press a finger in the corner of his own eye to keep his tears from falling. “Yeah.”

“I do, Santa.”

Rick laughed. “You knew?”

“Of course I did! I knew the second I opened up all that bubble bath that was so clearly wrapped by a man, and you didn’t even bat an eye!”

“Yeah I suppose I could have put a little more effort into faking it.”

“Well as your wife, I think you did a great job.”

“And as your husband, I’m gonna need you to take care of this for me next year.”

Michonne giggled, then laid her head on his chest. “Merry Christmas, Rick.”

“Merry Christmas, Michonne.”

[lostinthe-pines-blog]

Senior Fear Ch. 4 - Heading Home

TAGS: (I’ve tagged anyone who followed my last multi-chapter Chris fic. Please let me know if you’d like to be removed.) @jared2612  @katurrade @annekebbphotography @emerald-bijou @jellybean-marshmellow

Kicking off my first day of @chrispowellappreciation by sharing my next chapter of Senior Fear. I’m so excited to share more with you all this week! Follow along with @maxattack-powell and @regrettingnathan and I during Chris Powell Appreciation Week! I can’t wait to see what you all submit! 

This is a multi-chapter story about Autumn with the Hartfeld Gang. Halloween quickly approaching they attempt to celebrate. As they begin their senior year the dynamics will change like the weather, will they be able to face their fears, both commercial and literal?

NOTE: This is a fictional story based on Pixelberry’s Choices App. *Books The Freshman, The Sophomore, The Junior. I am not affiliated with Pixelberry nor do I own the rights to their original characters or story-lines. This story will alter certain story-lines.

Three thick sweaters and he could still feel the cold chill of the autumn air, the brightest color of leaves had already left the trees, only the dying brown leaves remaining, and they were  hanging on by a thread. The dying plants paired with the chill in the air matched the exact feeling Chris had inside. The only reason he’d wanted to stay at Harteld over the weekend was because he dreaded this exact moment. He felt like everything was moving in slow motion watching MC load up the car with far more items then they had arrived with; a product of his mother wanting to send them all the supplies they might need.

MC made trip after trip in and out of the house, everytime she went back in Lily had something else to hand off to her. She wasn’t sure if Chris wanted or needed anything he wasn’t really here right now. She could see him and he was here physically but mentally he was zoned in on something else. This wasn’t the first tome MC had seen him this way. He’d focus his mind similarly before a big game, or an important final. After she loaded the final bag into the car she stepped beside him lacing her fingers through his own. She felt the gentle twitch as the touch knocked him out of his mindset.

“Hey.” Chris spoke with a breath turning his fixed gaze on hers.

MC offered him the smallest smile, she could feel how badly he wanted to stay. “Hey” she was searching his eyes to find him something to look forward to. “Are you ready?” she asked knowing he wasn’t. “We’ve gotta get back, we’ve got midterms to study for and a party to plan!” she added a cheery tone hoping it would help. “I’m going to go say goodbye to your mom, maybe you want to start thinking about talking to AJ?”

Chris nods releasing his hand from hers and turning on his feet back inside the house. His body language almost angry, but she knew he was only disappointed. Chris headed into the makeshift bedroom that his mother had created in the office on the main floor until AJ could walk up the stairs to her own again. “Hey, AJ.” he said staying strong behind his weak emotions. “MC and I are heading out soon.”

“Do you have too?” she didn’t look at him when she talked, she knew she’d cry. She was young but she understood her emotions and she didn’t want to be ashamed of them now.

“Yeah bug, I’ve got too.” he said kneeling down in front of her, “But you’ve got mom, and Kyle.” he added with a smile “And you get to miss a whole week of school!” he added trying to twist this into a positive. “MC and I we’ll be back for Thanksgiving, that's only two months away.” Chris continued to have a basic and saddening conversation with his young best friend before pulling her into a gentle hug

MC paced around the kitchen as Lily sat with her signature coffee cup staring at the young girl who was mostly family now.

“Worried about something?” Lily asks out of her calm demeanor.

“I mean… yeah.” MC laughed with nerves in her voice. Watching Lily pat the seat next to her MC quickly followed suit and sat beside her.

“Speak.” Lily instructed with a heart warming smile.

MC was almost compelled by the mother figure in the room, she told her everything now. “I’m worried about Chris, AJ means so much to him and we both know he lets sadness stay with him for too long.” she started while Lily was quick to respond

“The nice thing about my son is that while sadness is always with in him, his happiness is often much stronger. Give him something to look to and he’ll come around.”

MC nods knowing Lily is right, but that alone wasn’t what  was worrying her. “After college, what’d you do?” MC asks now

Lily looks to her lap now, “I dropped out of college, I followed Frank after his graduation and I moved here. I became a mother, and I’ve been working odd jobs to make ends meet ever since. Why do you ask MC?” she questions now.

“I don’t know what I want to do, where I want to go, but I know…” she holds her tongue nervous about speaking of her and Chris’s future to his mother,

“You know what?” Lily asks in the silence.

“Oh… I know.. I want Chris to be apart of whatever comes next. But I think that scares me. You see all my life I’ve been set up to go to college to learn, to build a career but I’ve never been set up to fall in love.” she admits blush forming on her face.

Lily smiles at the thought of it, “It comes out of nowhere doesn’t it?” Lily laughs. “A piece of motherly advice?” she asks the young daughter like girl before here.

“Sure!” MC smiles easgerly.

“It might be a bit bias here but you’re not the only one worried about the role love will have in you next year, when Chris and I spoke he was scared too...” she smirks admitting to having a similar conversation with her son the night before “But, this is the best kind of fear, because it’s mixed with the strongest of passions. Trust in your love, and yourselves. Be honest and trust him.” Lily takes MC hand gently. “We would be the lucky ones to have a girl like your join our family.” she adds watching MC’s face flush pink.

“Trust.” she repeats, she does trust Chris already but she knows trust will contiue to be a huge part of her life this year. She’d learned the hard way her junior year what dishonesty could do and she didn’t plan on making that mistake. It could have lost her Chris but he was better than her and he followed her threw her dumbest mistakes. “Thank Lily, and thanks for letting us come down for the weekend. He misses you guys.” MC lets her gaze fall on Chris whose now walking toward them.

“And we miss him” Lily answers quickly before reaching to hug her eldest son. “Drive safe, text me as soon as you get home” she demands.

“Of course” Chris answers staying in her embrace for a bit longer, he’d always been a family man and this moment would be no different.

As the two of them said their goodbyes MC offered again to drive, to let Chris sleep and rest for his week to come. The car ride was long but it allowed Chris to dream and to prepare for their months ahead. There wasn’t much conversation in the hours on the road. He leaned his head against the window and listened to MC’s quiet voice sing along to the mix of songs playing randomly from her phone. Life was so simple in this moment, but as the car parked back at Hartfeld reality would have to set back in. Arriving late in the evening on Monday night Chris trudged inside carrying his and MC’s bags while MC brought in the miscellaneous items Lily had sent them with. Upon entering the apartment they were both shocked as their tired eyes perked open.

“Oh my god…” MC smiled setting things down in the corner, she knew Abbie’s artistic handy work when she saw it. Their apartment opened to a livingroom that shared space with the kitchen, along the wall was a hand drawn tree complete with autumn leaves. The leaves blew in the drawn wind, which was really just swirls of color and pattern. Each leaf represented something. As MC stepped past Chris to get a closer look she reached her hands to him to bring him to her side. “Look… they’re memories.”

“Third day in the freshman dorm, Chris Powell ate my left overs. I was so angry I didn’t have a lunch to bring on my long day at class. But he ended up with food poisoning and with out him I would have been down for the count the entire first week of classes. I’m always gonna thank him for that.” -Abbie

“My favorite thing about MC is that she never wants people to be mean to one another, that she stops it the moment it starts happening. Even if it’s playful. As freshman I would mock Kaitlyn for never folding her clothes but MC was always quick to remind me that Kaitlyn’s choices were her own creative decision. I don’t know what I’d do with out her constant kindness.” - Tyler

“Chris and MC have always inspired me, they work through everything together and they know each others strengths and weaknesses as well as they know their own. They are so completely opposite from one another and yet they mold together so perfectly. I’m lucky to call myself their friend. Despite my jealousies in the past I wish them only the best and I miss them every day.” - James

“Look..” MC says pausing on the note from their former friend. “Even James has a leaf” she giggles. James had graduated almost two years ago, he’d stuck around to work at the school but after taking offers in Los Angeles he decided to move. They didn’t hear from him much anymore, but someone had made the effort to get this note from him. It meant a lot to her, and Chris too.

Chris looked around the room skipping over a few leaves with notes and memories attached. His eye caught by one that included a photo. It was of Zack and Chris on the Hartfeld Football feild. “Oh, I didn’t know he even had this photo.” Chris laughed calling MC to his side to read the note.

“The start of sophomore year, fresh off of my breakup, Chris found me out by the fields having a full on panic attack. I’d been so stressed about my love life during Freshman year I’d fallen behind, I still hadn’t really come to terms with the effects that coming out had on my relationship with my parents and I was already crushing on a new boy even though I knew I shouldn't. I was going absolutely crazy. He ditched all of his football friends to stay with me. He gave me advice I’ll live by for the rest of my life. He told me, to be unapologetic-ally me, to let life jerk me around if it hand to but to never change who am because of it. I came out of Sophomore year so much happier than before because I followed his advice. That night Chris and I talked for hours, and we’ve never talked that way really since. But I always know that, that version of Chris is there if I need him. I would never approve of anyone with MC except Chris, because Chris is the kindest and most passionate person I know. - Zack

“I didn’t even know about this…” MC said looking to her blue eyed lover. “Did this really happen?” she questioned knowing that Zack wouldn’t lie.

“Yeah, I was finishing up running a few plays with the guys when I saw him just outside the athletic buildings. I’m not sure what had him over there but I knew something was off. It was a Thursday night, Zack was usually by your side working on homework or watching a movie. He was a mess, just blubbering and talking endlessly. I think he just needed someone to listen you know…” Chris laughs off his embarrassment that this letter brought. He’d never liked being complimented. He didn’t think that kindness deserved compliment. That kindness should be expected from everyone and given to everyone.

MC laid her head on Chris’s shoulder reading again the letter her best friend had left for her boyfriend. “He’s right you know.” she speaks lacing her fingers through his. “You are the kindest and most passionate person.” she repeated the heart felt words on the paper cutout on the wall. “This room is a kindergarten arts and crafts project.” she laughs “But our friends did it for us because we mean something to them. You mean something to them. You give so much of yourself to us and we have all be lucky to be apart of your incredible life. Me most of all”

Chris looks down sheepishly trying to accept the compliment “MC, these memories arent just of me. They are for both of us, but there are some just for you. I try to put my best foot forward I try to be there when I’m needed but it doesn’t always work that way. You see, you’re the opposite you don’t try.. You do. You are always there always listening and always helping. You think it’s going unnoticed but it’s not. Take all of last year for instance. You jeopardized so much of yourself for all of us, to protect all of us.” Chris leaned down and kissed the top of her head following the art on the walls with his eyes. It didn’t stop in the living room it went down the hall in to their bedroom door.

MC pulled Chris by the arm walking down the hallways and opening their room. There was nothing out of place, the room looked spotless. Different then the way MC had left it. In the process of her packing MC had left clothes and homework everywhere. Looking at the room now, he friends had cleaned. It was all still there, but it was just piled nicely. On the bedside table there was a mix of Chris and MC’s favorite flowers with an envelope attached. Chris sat on the bed and pulled MC to his lap as she opened and read the letter.

“Dear Chistopher and MC Powell…” Mc stopped rolling her eyes and feeling Chris’s laughter in his chest. This letter was immediately recognized to be written by Zack. The friend who’d been pushing MC and Chris to marry since the end of freshman year. Ignoring the new change in her own last name she continued reading.

“No ones Senior year should start out as rocky as yours has. We decided to get together to celebrate you both. First we want to let you know that the Halloween Party has officially been taken off your hands. Kaitlyn’s been secretly planning it the whole time anyways. Secondly, we wanted you guys to know just how much you mean to us. Abbie created a mural of the fall season and we included all the memories. Fall will always remind me of Hartfeld and the memories we’ve made and will continue to make. There’s no need to thank us because we’ve done this in thanks to you both. We left you some flowers, because we know how much you both love them (yes Chris you too) MC you are lovelier than a rose, and Chris you are brighter than a daisy. Out little family would be nowhere without you both. This fall is for you guys, because you have both made the last three years for us.”

MC place the letter back on the bedside table. It was a short and sweet but it was enough. This was more than the welcome home she thought they deserved. She didn’t fear the end of the year anymore. She knew everyone would go their separate ways but they would all come back together through out the years. They had to. They were a family. 

“Hey...” she spoke softly turning in Chris’s arms to look at his face, remembering the pain it had held over the weekend. “Welcome home.” she smiled 

“Welcome home.” he responded softly feeling happy there next to her in the small space they had created together. 

[zutaras-where-its-at]

Baby, It’s a Wipeout [2]

Summary: It’s the final run, and Zuko’s sure Katara doesn’t stand a chance.

Notes: I have so many other things to do right now, but I decided to stay up until 2am writing this, so plz enjoy the product of my stress. (Also, I did some shoddy research on pro-snowboarding because I really don’t know jack about it, so please correct me if something is just completely off!)

“I guess I’ll see you there.”

That’s what Katara had told him as she’d stood on her porch just before he and Jet had left the cabin. All he could offer her at the time was a pathetic excuse for a smile and an uncomfortable grunt. Meanwhile, Jet had been all charm and sass and grins and big hugs around tan skin and a tiny waist. All because Jet is an only child and Zuko isn’t.

And now, Zuko is seeing Katara, but there’s no laughing over a silly card game. There’s only the frigid air, his tense shoulders, and Azula’s fifteen-point lead.

“Wonderful job, Azula.”

“Your dedication has paid off.”

Zuko shuddered at the monotone voices of Azula’s ancient twin coaches. He’d known them for over a decade and had never once seen them apart from one another. If he and Azula ever spent that much time together, they’d either kill each other, or themselves.

Beside him, his sister combed a well-manicured hand through her hair, her rusty-orange ski jacket unzipped to reveal a black sports bra.

She rolled her eyes. “Of course it’s paid off. And once I’m at the Olympics, the whole world will see just how dedicated I am.” Her shoulder bumped against his. “Isn’t that right, Zuzu?”

He snorted and crossed his arms, eyes watching as Katara’s silhouette shuffled to the starting line. He squinted against the sunlight that bounced off the fresh snow. “I think your ego’s big enough without me reaffirming it.”

Azula stuck her lower lip out and wrapped her hand around his arm. “Is this how you repay me for coming to every one of your football games in high school?”

Zuko turned his head to glower at her. “You only came to my games to flirt with my friends.”

Her pout lifted into a smirk, but before she could tease him further, the announcer sounded over the speakers.

“Our final halfpipe competitor of the day is eighteen-year-old Katara Siluk from right here in the Southern Isles. This is her first time at the Kuruk Games, but she has a nice home field advantage. Let’s see if she has what it takes to beat out senior competitor, Azula Jin, in this last round.”

“Not likely.” Azula’s snarky remark was just loud enough to reach Zuko’s ears.

He resisted the urge to cover his eyes as Katara’s figure finally stood, knees bending in preparation. His heart sank with the inevitable massacre of her spirit and soul. Azula always ruined everything.

She took off down the slope, her wild hair trailing behind her. Zuko’s fist clenched inside his jacket pocket.

“Here she goes with her first trick—beautiful takeoff—oh wow! A flawless frontside ten-eighty! Second take off—straight into a frontside nine-hundred, wow! Clean landing! Air to fakie, right into a huge crippler! Incredible air on that—right into the method—do you see the air she’s getting—No way, she went for a double Michalch—Katara Siluk has stuck the landing! She has landed a perfect double Michalchuk! What a way to end that run! It just might be enough! The crowd here is absolutely losing its mind!”

Azula’s grip had gotten steadily tighter and tighter around his bicep, but Zuko didn’t even notice. He could not believe what he had seen. It just wasn’t possible.

Apparently, Azula had similar sentiments.

“She’s a rookie. She’s a rookie.” His sister ripped her hands from where they were tucked into his elbow. She turned to Lo and Li, and Zuko was glad he wasn’t the focus of her wrath. “You told me that you scoped out the competition. You said that this would be a blow out.”

“We did. We watched her tapes along with everyone else’s. She never stood out.” They answered in unison, but their voices shook almost imperceptibly.

Their attention snapped back to the announcer as the speakers crackled to life. “And here comes the score for Katara’s third run from the judges.”

The scoreboard above the slope flashed a number. The crowd went into uproar.

“Katara Siluk has scored a 97.25! The newcomer from right here in the Southern Isles has taken the Kuruk title! For the first time, Azula Jin’s reign has been defeated by just 1.5 points!”

Zuko saw Azula’s back straighten in the slightest of movements, and he internally cringed for her mentors.

When she spoke, her voice was soft to the point of danger. “Does she stand out now?”

Lo and Li didn’t get a chance to respond as Azula abruptly turned and stalked towards the lodge.

Before he could decide whether he should follow her or not, a hand landed on his shoulder.

“Dude, it was a nightmare to get down here.” Jet huffed out a cloud of steam. “I had to wait until the security guard wasn’t looking in order to get out of the stands.”

“Why did you—”

“Well, I took one look, saw you standing here like a goddamn garden gnome, and knew you needed my help.”

“Your help with what?”

Jet rolled his eyes. “For one, connecting the dots. And secondly, helping you talk to Katara since you’ve been angsting over her all morning.”

Zuko spluttered and tried to shake Jet’s grip from his shoulders. “I have not been—Okay seriously, dickhead, stop shoving me.”

“Quit squirming. I promise you’ll thank me later.”

“She’s probably in the locker room away from all the reporters, you asshole!”

“Good thing you’re not a reporter.”

“Azula will literally behead me if she knows that I went and talked to her!”

“Well, Azula’s not here, is she? And since when have you been scared of Azula?”

“Since when have you not been scared of Azula? I’m not kidding, Jet, stop fucking pushing me—”

“Shut up and smile.”

“What are you—”

“Oh hey, you guys. I’m surprised you made it through that crowd.” Sokka clapped Zuko on the arm, his cheeks rosy and a bright grin stretching his face. Just behind him, Katara was wrapping up a brief interview with a reporter.

“Zuko here insisted on congratulating Katara after that epic run. Said he wouldn’t let anyone get in his way. Right, Zuko?” Jet elbowed him in the ribs and purposefully raised his voice. His light brown eyes sparkled when Katara’s head jerked to the side mid-sentence and landed on the two boys.

Over the noise of people, Zuko heard her turn back to the reporter and politely dismiss him before she started toward them.

Her whole face seemed to glow with her victory, and a few strands of sweat-dampened hair clung to the sides of her smooth neck. She had abandoned her helmet and goggles, and her blue scarf was on the verge of unravelling to the floor, but she didn’t bother to take notice of it.

“I told you guys that I was better than you had assumed.” Her chapped lips couldn’t stop smiling, and Zuko found that he naturally returned her cheer.

“Congratulations.”

Her smile widened just the slightest bit more and Zuko felt a hot blush spread across the tips of his ears.

“Thanks.” She cleared her throat. “Sorry about your sister though. Really. I hope she wasn’t too upset.”

“She wasn’t,” he lied.

Their eyes connected for just a touch longer than normal, and right when Zuko was about to excuse himself out of sheer flustered embarrassment, Jet cut in.

“Congrats, Katara. You deserved that win without a doubt.” He swung an arm around Sokka’s shoulders. “By the way, Sokka, I was meaning to ask you about sparring sometime. You mentioned fencing last night, right?”

As the lanky brunette casually led the other boy into a friendly conversation a few feet away, he snuck a quick wink to Zuko and Katara.

Zuko coughed lightly into his hand. Then he reached up to scratch the back of his neck. But then he realized that he was fidgeting out of nervousness and quickly shoved his hands back into his pockets, actively avoiding Katara’s eyes the whole time.

“So…” She drew the word out awkwardly.

“Yeah.”

“I was wondering—”

“Could I—”

They both stopped, eyes wide. Katara laughed and gestured for him to speak.

Zuko carded his hand through his hair. “I was gonna ask if I could call you sometime, maybe?”

Her laugh grew a little breathier. “Funny. I was going to ask if you were staying in town for a little while longer. I could, I don’t know, show you around?”

She wrapped her hands around the ends of her scarf and tugged anxiously. A self-deprecating snicker escaped her teeth. “God, that sounded so cliché. Wow. Okay, I’m gonna just go throw myself from the top of the ski lodge if you don’t mind.”

Zuko’s expression softened, and he took a small step closer to her. “I’ll be here for the next two weeks. Technically this is my vacation hours from work, and Azula planned to train on the slopes here after the competition.” Another step closer. He had never realized how short she was before. “You know, I’ll probably need someone to help make sure I don’t get my dumbass stuck in the snow again.”

Her blue eyes sparkled with mischief as she peered up at him. “Oh, well, in that case, it’s probably my moral duty to not let you out of my sight.”

“You’re right. Do you want to help me out tomorrow, maybe? I might get lost on my way to dinner.”

“We wouldn’t want that to happen, now would we?” A fake frown shifted her features, but one corner of her mouth quirked up. She let out a loud sigh. “I guess I could spare some time tomorrow. How does five o’clock sound?”

Zuko’s fingers lightly brushed her wrist and he felt her skin twitch.

“Five o’clock sounds great.”

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 020721

7 February, 2021

Dear Dad--

Happy Super Bowl Sunday! It is, unsurprisingly, cold as hell here in Maine this morning. Usually we keep it about 68 degrees inside, and if we allow the heat to creep up to 70, we begin to feel like hedonistic libertines. (And we get utility bills north of $250.) But when I got out of bed this morning it was 17 degrees outside and 64 degrees inside, and I thought I was gonna freeze to death. I still prefer having these problems over warm weather problems. I can always add another layer of sweater, or blanket, or kitty cat, to keep warm. 

I’ve been watching the movie The Revenant on repeat for a while now. As I predicted, it’s become a sort of screensaver for my living room television. It is, far and away, the prettiest movie I’ve ever seen. As predicted, I’m becoming less bothered by the violence--the lots and lots and lots of violence--and now I’m able to appreciate the cinematography, even when Leonardo Dicaprio is getting noisily torn asunder by the bear. “Hey, that shot is pretty! Shut up, Leonardo, I’m trying to enjoy the background foliage.” I’m enjoying this phase of movie love, when I find a movie that becomes special to me, and I’m still in the process of discovering all of its little secrets. 

As an example, after I’d watched the movie a few times, I realized something about the bear attack scene. The way the players are positioned, the scene is set up in such a way that, when he first hears bear cubs, they’re in front of him. Then, when he hears the adult bear, it’s behind him. I realized that the movie was suggesting that Leonardo Dicaprio got right between the bear cubs and their mom, and by the time he realized he was between them--literally the most dangerous possible place to be--the big bear was already charging him. I always watched this scene, and thought, “Bear cubs, awfully cute, except oh shit, there’s the mom, and they’re off! Go bear! Fuck up his face!” It didn’t occur to me until I’d seen the movie a few times that the director was careful to physically place the main character between the bear and her cubs, which would have encouraged the next plot point--Leonardo getting half et by the bear--to begin. Smart movies do that, you know? After viewing a few times, you’ll catch a subtle detail that you missed, and it’s like finding an Easter egg.

I can think of at least one more example, from Apocalypse Now. When Willard is sort of introducing us to the guys on the boat, and we see Chef reading a beat-up paperback. It took a while before I noticed that his lips are moving as he reads. And it took many viewings before I noticed that the book he’s reading is Henry Miller’s Sexus, which is rather hilarious in itself. I’m given to understand that Henry Miller is something like very well dressed pornography, attempting to be literature, and that’s a great metaphor for Chef: He’s no one special, but he has aspirations of becoming a great chef specializing in sauces. It makes sense that he’d read high-class porn. Those are some great little details. 

I have to admit, I’m running out of ways to describe how profoundly tedious this pandemic has become. We really don’t go anywhere but the store any more, and I’ve had the same tank of gas in the car for about three months now. The weather is helping! Every day we seem to get a little bit of snow, and I just love it, every time. Yesterday it was mostly sunny, but every time a cloud passed overhead, it dropped a little snow on us. Today we’re supposed to get a swift-moving but still inconveniently heavy snow, and that’ll mean more snow shoveling. I probably didn’t like shoveling show in Chicago when I was 9, because of the compulsory nature of the endeavor. Now I view it as fun exercise! We don’t have much driveway, but what we do have is not plowed by anyone. (By the way, “plow” and “plough” are pretty much interchangeable, which I know, because I looked the shit up, but “plow” is preferred in North America, and “plough” is preferred elsewhere, like the U.K.) What this means, is that we not only have to shovel about 15 feet of driveway to get to the road that runs through the trailer park, but every time they run the snow plow through the trailer park, it dumps a mountain of snow on the end of our driveway, and fucks up all our hard work. 

Fortunately, I spent a lifetime preparing for moments like these by living in Texas, and all snow is magical, dammit, even unwanted plow snow befouling the end of our recently-shoveled driveway. Even if the snow is still coming, if I have to drive somewhere, I won’t mind getting all my heavy winter clothes on, going outside into the blizzard, and clearing up the driveway. It is exhausting work, but I don’t seem to mind. 

I typically do have some minor fears that a neighbor will come along and (a) breathe Covid onto me, or, more to the point, (b) tell me that I’m shoveling incorrectly. “What are ya, from Texas or somethin?” But I think I’m shoveling properly. I mean, it’s not rocket science; use the shovel to move the snow from here to there, piece o’ cake. Not only do I think I’m doing it properly, but I noticed several of my neighbors got their cars stuck in snow trying to leave after the last snowstorm. Some of them got hilariously stuck; people had to dig snow from around their wheels, or get behind the car and push, and I avoided those pitfalls. I think I have a natural aptitude for this shit. And, can’t stress this enough, it’s quite good exercise. I remember I used to watch the TV show “ER,” which was set in an emergency room in Chicago, and every once in a while they’d get, “a shovel,” which was their euphemism for a patient who had a heart attack while shoveling snow. I suppose the idea there is to pace yourself. I find the exercise makes it a lot easier to fall asleep at night. 

So, my days are still spent doing mostly the same thing; looking for work I can do from home, and waiting until the state of Maine gets its shit together with regard to Covid vaccine sign-ups. Right now I have no idea when I might get vaccinated, and I’m counting on that to help return to a somewhat normal life. (Visiting friends, going to restaurants and movie theaters, having company over, etc.) I have found one source of work that I’m going to dedicate a few hours to tomorrow: It’s called Amazon MTurk, and I have no idea why it’s called that, but basically, it’s little tasks you can do for Amazon.com to earn small amounts of money, like categorizing photographs, or reviewing products, which Amazon then pays you for. The idea is, they don’t pay worth a shit, just a penny, or a dime, or 50 cents per job, but if you can do enough of these little jobs quickly enough, it approaches actual income. I have applied and been accepted, so tomorrow I’m going to start doing little mini-jobs for little mini-money and see if it resembles, in any way, the pay from actual employment.

As for today, it’s the Super Bowl! I couldn’t believe the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are participating, but then again, I haven’t watched any games, or kept up with the wins and losses this year. Whenever the Cowboys are sucking, like now, my interest in the NFL sort of goes into hibernation. The next time the Cowboys stop sucking, I’ll care more about football. But the thing about the Buccaneers is: I don’t ever remember them being anything impressive when I was growing up. In fact, and I don’t know why I thought this, but I always thought of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as the team that was only barely a real team, that existed only to lose, that was composed of high school players and prisoners, who had to keep other real jobs, like waiting tables, keep the bills paid. As I say, I don’t know why I believed this about the Buccaneers, but now they’re in the Super Bowl! Well. Guess they’re a real team after all. 

I do hope things aren’t too boring (or too exciting) where you are. You’re in my thoughts every day. All my love to you both!

[wsmith215]

Ranking 2020 NFL offseasons from worst to first

With the NFL universe on pause, now seems like a good time to continue our big-picture look into how each organization did during the player-acquisition period of the offseason. I’m going to run through all 32 teams and rank the work they did from worst to first.

To measure how each team performed, I’m comparing their roster, cap situation and future draft capital at the beginning of the offseason to what they have in mid-May. The most important thing a team can do is add talent, so those that made significant inroads in improving their roster will rank highly, while those that saw key pieces leave without replacements won’t. I also considered how each attacked their specific needs, how well they read the market and handled the financial side of their deals, and what they did to create future draft picks.

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For each team, I’ll include what went right, what went wrong, what they might have done differently with a bit of hindsight and what they need to do next in the months to come. Finally, and this is important: These aren’t power rankings of how these teams will perform in 2020. Some of the worst teams in the league from last season will finish at or near the top of these rankings because they were able to draft immediate-impact players at key positions, while some of the best teams shed talent or weren’t able to add much in the draft because they already had dealt away picks.

I started Monday with the bottom eight teams, and I’ll hit eight more on Tuesday and Wednesday, and then finish up with the top eight on Thursday. Jump to my last-ranked team here.

Jump to a team: ATL | BAL | CAR | CHI DET | GB | HOU | JAX KC | LAR | MIN | NE PHI | PIT | SEA | TEN

What went right: You can’t accuse new coach Matt Rhule of neglecting the defense. He transformed a Panthers unit that ranked 25th in DVOA and 31st in scoring defense a year ago, using each of his seven draft picks on the defensive side of the ball. Seven of the 10 players who lined up on more than 50% of the defensive snaps for Carolina in 2019 will not return.

On offense, Rhule was able to lure LSU offensive coordinator Joe Brady to take the same job; he’ll work with new starting quarterback Teddy Bridgewater. The Panthers bought low on former Jets wideout Robby Anderson and could sport one of the league’s top offensive tackle combinations with Taylor Moton and the newly acquired Russell Okung.

What went wrong: My biggest indicator for these rankings is measuring the talent added versus the talent lost, and the Panthers lost linebacker Luke Kuechly, cornerback James Bradberry, defensive tackle Gerald McCoy, guard Trai Turner and former league MVP Cam Newton, among others. The Turner-for-Okung trade swapped out a younger, better player who is under contract for a longer period of time for Okung, who plays a more valuable position but missed most of 2019 with a pulmonary embolism. The former Chargers and Seahawks tackle is a free agent after this season, and the Panthers don’t seem interested in evaluating 2019 second-rounder Greg Little at the position after seemingly drafting him to take over there.

Former first-round pick Teddy Bridgewater will step in as the new starter in Carolina. Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

Rhule clearly intends to rebuild this team in his desired image, and that’s going to take more than one offseason. That’s totally understandable, and the Panthers took strides toward those long-term goals. In the short term, though, they might have less talent on their roster in 2020 than they did on paper in 2019, even if they never had a healthy Newton. They also locked up Christian McCaffrey, and while there’s no doubting his talent, signing running backs to massive contracts has been a dangerous game.

What they could have done differently: Given Rhule’s emphasis on physical football, I wonder if Carolina would have been better off holding on to Turner and using the No. 7 overall pick on one of the left tackle prospects, like Jedrick Wills Jr. or Mekhi Becton. First-round pick Derrick Brown, a defensive tackle, looks to be a better defender against the run than he is a pass-rusher, and in a division in which he’ll be going up against the Falcons, Saints and Bucs, I’m not sure that’s the best use of a top-10 pick.

What’s left to do: Add a cornerback. After losing Bradberry to free agency, the Panthers look to start the season with inconsistent 2018 second-rounder Donte Jackson as their No. 1 corner. On the other side, All-Name team member Corn Elder will be competing with fourth-round pick Troy Pride Jr. The second-best wideouts on the opposing teams in this division are Emmanuel Sanders, Chris Godwin and Calvin Ridley. Yikes. This is a logical landing spot for somebody like Dre Kirkpatrick or Eli Apple.

What went right: The Jaguars looked to be stuck with quarterback Nick Foles’ contract after the former Super Bowl MVP lost his job in 2019, but they managed to trade him to the Bears without having to assume any of the remaining guarantees and got a fourth-round pick in the process. Jacksonville ended up paying Foles a little over $30 million for four starts, but since that all took place before the offseason began, I’m leaving that part of the story aside. If it weren’t for the DeAndre Hopkins miracle between the Cardinals and Texans, general manager Dave Caldwell getting out of the Foles deal would be the most impressive trade of the offseason.

The Jags also took steps to move on from their disastrous move to take running back Leonard Fournette with the No. 4 overall pick in the 2017 draft, when Patrick Mahomes, Deshaun Watson and more than a half-dozen other running backs who have proved to be more productive were still on the board. (Seriously: Christian McCaffrey, Dalvin Cook, Joe Mixon, Alvin Kamara, Kareem Hunt, James Conner, Marlon Mack, Aaron Jones, Chris Carson and even undrafted free agent Austin Ekeler look like better backs than Fournette right now.) The Jaguars could have been fooled by a largely inefficient season from Fournette in 2019, but they declined his fifth-year option and desperately tried to trade the former LSU star, to no avail.

What went wrong: Boxed into a bad cap situation by years of free-agent spending and missteps, the Jaguars had little choice but to trade cornerback A.J. Bouye and cut defensive tackle Marcell Dareus. No real issue there, but the moves the Jags made with the cap space they had left were curious. Joe Schobert is a talented player, and I’m sure the Jaguars want to reset their culture, but a team that already has Myles Jack on a four-year, $57 million deal is a bad candidate to hand a big contract to another off-ball linebacker. Schobert’s five-year, $53.8 million deal means they have two of the most expensive inside linebackers in the league.

Tight end Tyler Eifert’s two-year deal came in at $9.3 million as opposed to the originally reported figure of $15.5 million, but either deal seems optimistic for a player who has pieced together one impactful season across seven years as a pro. Jacksonville understandably wanted to add a possible playmaker for Gardner Minshew, but we’re now four years removed from Eifert’s big season. The team also neglected to bring in meaningful competition for their second-year quarterback.

Yannick Ngakoue, a third-round pick in 2016, has 37.5 sacks over four seasons in Jacksonville. Photo by David Rosenblum/Icon Sportswire

The Jags haven’t resolved the Yannick Ngakoue situation, with the star defensive end picking fights with ownership on Twitter and insisting he won’t play for the organization again. With each passing day, the franchise loses more and more leverage; remember last year, when the Seahawks were able to get a first-round pick for pass-rusher Frank Clark around the draft, and the Texans were forced to settle for a third-round pick when they shipped off Jadeveon Clowney at the end of August.

What they could have done differently: The Jaguars should have traded down in the first round when they had the opportunity. The Falcons were the most frequently rumored candidate to move up, likely for cornerback CJ Henderson, whom the Jags drafted at No. 9 overall. They needed a cornerback, so I have no issue with them drafting Henderson, but under Caldwell’s reign, they haven’t shown much of an aptitude for drafting. Caldwell’s picks in the top five include Luke Joeckel, Blake Bortles, Dante Fowler Jr., Jalen Ramsey and Fournette. Even if they had an excellent grade on Henderson, the Jaguars don’t really deserve any benefit of the doubt when it comes to evaluating prospects. They would have been better off adding an extra selection or two.

What’s left to do: Trade Ngakoue. I don’t like to see teams give up on star players, but it seems clear that he has no intention of signing an extension in Jacksonville, and I’d rather the team get something close to meaningful value as opposed to settling for a midround pick. It’s going to be tough with Clowney and Everson Griffen still available on the open market, but I wonder if the Jags can still coax a first-round pick out of a team like the Seahawks.

What went right: The Falcons finally acknowledged their need to rebuild on defense. Out went pass-rusher Vic Beasley Jr., cornerback Desmond Trufant, linebacker De’Vondre Campbell and defensive tackle Adrian Clayborn, and they declined the fifth-year option on edge rusher Takkarist McKinley. Atlanta finally made a significant investment on an outside player by signing Dante Fowler Jr., and it used first- and second-round picks on cornerback A.J. Terrell and defensive lineman Marlon Davidson. Thomas Dimitroff’s team projects to come away with one compensatory fifth-round pick and a pair of selections in the sixth round of the 2021 draft.

What went wrong: Fowler was the only significant veteran addition this team made to that flailing defense, as Atlanta otherwise re-signed tackle Tyeler Davison and traded a seventh-round pick for Dolphins washout Charles Harris, a defensive end who went No. 22 overall in 2017. I’m worried that the Falcons might be fooled by what happened in the second half, when they allowed a league-best 25.8% conversion rate on third downs. Research has suggested that teams that grossly outplay their first- and second-down performance on third down struggle to keep that up, and while they were middle of the pack by expected points added on first and second down during the final eight weeks of the season, they were the league’s best defense on third downs.

You could argue that they didn’t have the cap room to make many additions, but after cutting Devonta Freeman, they still found a way to hand Todd Gurley a one-year, $5.5 million deal. Even if Gurley returns to form and has a great season, this is the exact sort of organization that needed to focus on finding a cheap, multiyear solution at running back. The Falcons have committed serious resources to their offensive line, have a great passing game and desperately needed to save money for their defense.

What they could have done differently: The money they committed to Gurley could have been part of an offer for someone like Jadeveon Clowney, although it would have also required Atlanta to restructure someone’s contract, likely wideout Julio Jones. As it stands, the Falcons don’t have the cap space to even go after a veteran edge rusher like Vinny Curry or Clay Matthews.

What’s left to do: Carve out some space for a cornerback. With plenty of veteran options still available, the Falcons project to start Terrell, Isaiah Oliver and Kendall Sheffield. They are enthused about Sheffield after his rookie season, but I’d like to see them find a couple of million dollars to bring in somebody like Darqueze Dennard or even a veteran like Brandon Carr. Releasing backup running back Brian Hill would free up $2.1 million.

What went right: Kansas City mostly stayed put with its Super Bowl-winning roster, sticking to one-year deals and small deals to retain players such as quarterback Chad Henne and corner Bashaud Breeland. The Chiefs were able to convince receiver Sammy Watkins to take a pay cut, and they franchise-tagged star defensive tackle Chris Jones.

What went wrong: Breeland was arrested at gunpoint on May 1. Watkins is still earning nearly $9 million with the chance to earn $6 million more in incentives in 2020, which is a lot for a player who had been ordinary during his first two seasons in Kansas City before breaking out during the postseason. The team also didn’t resolve Jones’ future with a trade or a long-term contract, meaning it’s likely to end up getting one more year out of him before losing him as a free agent in 2021.

The Chiefs used their first-round pick on running back Clyde Edwards-Helaire, who should end up as one of the most productive backs in football when he takes over as the full-time starter. That’s a good thing, but when you look at recent history for this team, just about anybody who has been in that role has been among the most productive backs in football. Kareem Hunt was there as a third-round pick. Damien Williams has been a touchdown machine in the playoffs. Even before Andy Reid came to town, Jamaal Charles emerged as one of the best backs of the past decade as another third-rounder. Edwards-Helaire could be a star, but I wonder if the Chiefs would have been better off using their first-round pick on a position they’ve struggled to fill effectively, like cornerback, or targeted a wide receiver to replace Watkins.

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Louis Riddick goes through the Kansas City Chiefs’ 2020 schedule to break down some of the biggest challenges they will face.

What they could have done differently: Watkins ranks 59th in receiving yards over the past two years, placing him below the likes of Dede Westbrook, Jamison Crowder and Antonio Brown. Patrick Mahomes has been better with Watkins on the field over the past two years, but the difference isn’t enormous: He has posted a passer rating of 112.4 and a QBR of 84.7 with Watkins on the field, dropping off to 106.5 and 77.0, respectively, without the former Bills first-rounder. In a market in which every veteran wideout besides Randall Cobb failed to get the deal they were expecting, Watkins likely wouldn’t have come away with a similar deal if the Chiefs had let him go.

What’s left to do: Extend Mahomes. The team has just $1.4 million in cap space, and it’s difficult to imagine the star quarterback’s 2020 cap number staying anywhere close to its current figure of $5.3 million on a new deal, so this is going to be a difficult negotiation. His résumé over his first two years as a starter — league MVP and Super Bowl MVP — is unprecedented in modern football. Mahomes isn’t going anywhere, but can the Chiefs get a deal done now as opposed to 2021, when he will be even more expensive? And will he be the first player in football to sign a contract worth $40 million per season?

What went right: Without a first-round pick or much cap space, the Steelers had about as quiet of an offseason as possible. I liked a couple of their smaller moves in trading for Ravens defensive lineman Chris Wormley and signing tight end Eric Ebron to a two-year deal. They’re also projected to receive fourth- and sixth-round compensatory picks after losing defensive tackle Javon Hargrave and center B.J. Finney in free agency. The one key player they kept was outside linebacker Bud Dupree, who had a career year in 2019 and was retained via the franchise tag.

What went wrong: Outside of Wormley, the Steelers didn’t do much to replace Hargrave. Last year’s disastrous run with Mason Rudolph and Devlin Hodges should have pushed them to target a significant backup quarterback behind the returning Ben Roethlisberger, but players like Marcus Mariota, Andy Dalton and Jameis Winston all hit the market and went elsewhere.

What they could have done differently: I can’t pick too many holes in what Pittsburgh did beyond the backup quarterback situation. It’s in this grouping because most teams added more talent, either through free agency or the draft. The Steelers probably feel thrilled about using their first-round pick to acquire defensive back Minkah Fitzpatrick last year, but since that trade happened during the season, I’m not including it in this analysis.

What’s left to do: Upgrade behind Roethlisberger. The Steelers should absolutely be in the market for Cam Newton or Joe Flacco. If Roethlisberger returns from his elbow injury and stays healthy all season, great. If not, they can’t afford to let another dominant season from their defense go to waste because their offense is averaging one point per possession, as it did during the second half of 2019.

What went right: Nobody added more future draft capital this offseason than the Vikings. Trades produced two fourth-rounders and a fifth-rounder in 2021. They let cornerbacks Trae Waynes and Mackensie Alexander leave in free agency, with those moves expected to generate third- and sixth-round compensatory picks. Minnesota should have 12 picks in next year’s draft.

This offseason was about clearing out cap space and retooling on defense for the Vikings, but I liked that they were still able to replace Linval Joseph with wildly underrated Ravens defensive tackle Michael Pierce on a team-friendly deal. Moving on from corner Xavier Rhodes could be addition by subtraction. They have also so far resisted the urge to sign running back Dalvin Cook to an extension after his breakout season.

Does trading Stefon Diggs to Buffalo fit on this side of the right/wrong debate? When I wrote about the trade, I suggested it could be a win-win for both sides. With the Vikings subsequently using the first-round pick from the trade to nab wide receiver Justin Jefferson, my feelings haven’t changed. Losing Diggs will hurt the team in the short term, but for an organization that wants to run the ball and use 22 personnel, transitioning to a cheaper option alongside Adam Thielen makes sense. If they were going to trade Diggs, they did it at the right time.

What went wrong: Diggs is really good! Even if you’re optimistic about Jefferson, the chances of a first-round pick turning into a top-10 wide receiver aren’t extremely high. The team was overdue for a reboot at cornerback, and they used first-, third-, and fifth-round picks there, but I would have liked to see the Vikings target at least one low-cost veteran to try to rehabilitate under Mike Zimmer.

Mike Zimmer and the Vikings brought back ascending safety Anthony Harris on the franchise tag. Photo by Brace Hemmelgarn/USA TODAY Sports

Minnesota also didn’t re-sign defensive end Everson Griffen after the longtime starter voided his deal, and the only free agent they signed to replace him was rotation lineman Anthony Zettel. In part, the Vikings were hamstrung by franchising safety Anthony Harris, which was a bit of a surprise. While he has intercepted nine passes since moving into the starting lineup during the 2018 season, it’s not a great use of resources for them to commit nearly $23 million of cap space to their safeties in 2020.

What they could have done differently: I would have let Harris leave and used the $11.4 million in cap space created to go after an edge rusher. The Vikings reportedly shopped Harris for a draft pick, but I suspect they would have netted a fifth- or sixth-round compensatory pick if they had let him leave. They were reportedly negotiating an extension with Harris before the draft, and if they can get a deal done and reduce his 2020 cap hold, they could use the cap space to go after help at defensive end.

What’s left to do: Add a backup quarterback. Another team that needs help here! The Vikings have Sean Mannion, Jake Browning and 2020 seventh-round pick Nate Stanley behind Kirk Cousins. The newly extended veteran hasn’t been on the injury report since Week 1 of the 2013 campaign, but if Cousins were to go down, Minnesota’s playoff chances would go kaput. With Gary Kubiak taking over as offensive coordinator, the logical backup to target would be Joe Flacco, who played under Kubiak in Baltimore.

What went right: Finally freed of the last vestiges of the Joe Flacco contract, the Ravens used their newfound cap space to try to build a devastating defensive line. While they let Michael Pierce leave and decided against confirming their deal with Michael Brockers after a physical, they traded a fifth-round pick for Jaguars star Calais Campbell and signed Derek Wolfe to a one-year deal. Baltimore then found its long-term replacement for C.J. Mosley by using its first-round pick on LSU linebacker Patrick Queen.

On offense, the Ravens found the guy who will likely start for them at running back in 2021 and beyond by using a second-round pick on J.K. Dobbins. They also netted a second-round pick from the Falcons for Hayden Hurst, and while Hurst will start for Atlanta, it’s always nice to get a premium pick for your third-best tight end.

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What went wrong: The only disappointing thing the Ravens had to deal with was losing legendary guard Marshal Yanda to retirement. They are an offensive line factory and used third- and fourth-round picks on Tyre Phillips and Ben Bredeson, respectively, but Yanda will be missed. Wolfe was a nice Plan B, but he was a downgrade from Brockers. The Ravens didn’t really replace Hurst, and given how frequently Mark Andrews has been banged up as a pro, I expected them to use a midround pick to find a backup there.

What they could have done differently: They franchised Matthew Judon as a linebacker, which saved them about $2 million as opposed to giving him the edge rusher tag. Judon hasn’t signed his tag, and with the Ravens unlikely to sign him to an extension, they haven’t been able to trade the 27-year-old for a draft pick. Had they known Jadeveon Clowney would be available this late in the offseason, I wonder if they would have simply let Judon hit free agency, picked up a compensatory pick and signed the former first overall selection on a one-year deal. Realistically, outside of adding another tight end, the Ravens did what the Ravens do, which is draft and develop talent.

What’s left to do: Add an edge defender. Even if Judon returns, they could still use another pass-rusher. Clowney might be too rich for their blood, although I’d love to see them use what will likely be the last bargain year on Lamar Jackson’s deal to stretch Clowney onto their roster. Baltimore still has to extend star left tackle Ronnie Stanley, whose price just went up after the Laremy Tunsil deal; if the team can bring Stanley’s 2020 cap figure down from $12.9 million, it might have just enough space for Clowney.

What went right: The Eagles addressed their two obvious weaknesses heading into the offseason. The trade for Darius Slay netted them the No. 1 corner they sorely needed after years of frustrating play at defensive back, and general manager Howie Roseman went all-in for speed during the draft by adding receivers Jalen Reagor, John Hightower and trade acquisition Marquise Goodwin. The perennially creative Eagles also found a way to add a run-plugging defensive tackle by signing away Javon Hargrave from the Steelers, and the one-year, $1 million deal they gave corner Nickell Robey-Coleman might have been one of the best value signings of the offseason.

What went wrong: Solving the problem at cornerback might have created holes elsewhere on defense, as Philadelphia declined safety Malcolm Jenkins’ option and released linebacker Nigel Bradham without really replacing either veteran. Jalen Mills was re-signed and is expected to move to safety, and the Eagles appear set to hand the middle linebacker job to T.J. Edwards after he played 112 snaps as an undrafted rookie. Former Chargers linebacker Jatavis Brown also could figure in the mix, but if teams feel comfortable avoiding Slay to target other mismatches on defense, the Eagles won’t realize much of an improvement from their long-awaited move.

Could 38-year-old offensive tackle Jason Peters return to Philadelphia for another season? Winslow Townson/AP Images for Panini

What they could have done differently: You could argue that they might have been better off just riding out what was a relatively cheap cornerback market and holding on to their third- and fifth-round picks. Slay is a genuine top-flight cornerback, but when you factor in the cost of both trading away a pick and signing Slay to a three-year, $50.5 million extension, would the Eagles have been better off simply signing Robey-Coleman and another cornerback, like Chris Harris Jr.? Keeping those picks would have allowed them to draft a safety to replace Jenkins or add valuable offensive line depth they don’t have after Jason Peters and Halapoulivaati Vaitai left this offseason.

What’s left to do: Add offensive line depth. The Eagles have reportedly been in talks to bring back Peters, which would be interesting; they drafted Andre Dillard in the first round last year with the expectation that he would take over for Peters in 2020, but Dillard struggled across his 337 offensive snaps last season, and this offseason will make it difficult for any young player expected to grow into a new role. If they don’t sign Peters, they would be looking at options like Cordy Glenn or Kelvin Beachum at tackle. Larry Warford will likely be out of Philly’s price range, but it could look toward someone like Ron Leary on the interior.

Come back Wednesday for Nos. 16-9 on the list.

Nos. 32-25

What went right: Hmm. We’re starting this series with the toughest question, huh? I suppose the two-year, $3 million deal the Texans gave former Eagles and Chargers defensive back Jaylen Watkins could be decent value if they slot him in the correct role. They also upgraded their special-teams coverage units by importing players such as Eric Murray and Michael Thomas. Second-round pick Ross Blacklock, Houston’s first selection in the 2020 draft, could turn into a useful interior disrupter and third pass-rusher for a team that had the league’s fourth-worst adjusted sack rate.

What went wrong: The Texans traded away arguably their second-best player for pennies on the dollar because he wanted a new contract and then overpaid for just about every one of their offseason additions. Even if they hadn’t traded wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins and a swap of fourth-rounders for a second-round pick and running back David Johnson’s bloated contract, this would be a disaster.

Coach Bill O’Brien misread the market and handed out significant deals to cornerback Bradley Roby (three years, $36 million), wide receiver Randall Cobb (three years, $27 million), kicker Ka’imi Fairbairn (four years, $17.7 million) and Murray (three years, $18 million) and even threw in a one-year, $4 million pact for backup quarterback AJ McCarron. O’Brien finished up by giving agentless left tackle Laremy Tunsil a three-year, $66 million extension, a market-shifting deal everyone saw coming from the moment the Texans traded away multiple first-round picks to acquire Tunsil without negotiating an extension as part of the pact.

Bill O’Brien and the Texans have made some head-scratching decisions this offseason, and Deshaun Watson is in line for a contract extension. John Grieshop/Getty Images

What they could have done differently: How much time do you have? Let’s start by using the window afforded them during the trading process last year to insist on getting Tunsil signed to an extension as part of that trade. The team reportedly attempted to sign Carlos Hyde to an extension before free agency; Hyde isn’t much more than a league-average running back, but if signing him meant that O’Brien wouldn’t have assumed the Johnson contract, it would have been a hidden victory for this team.

The Texans shouldn’t have traded away Hopkins, contract demands or not. The Falcons were able to satiate Julio Jones when he was three years away from the end of his deal by moving money around before handing him a deal with two years to go. And if you don’t want to follow that model, what was Hopkins going to do in a league in which the new collective bargaining makes it virtually impossible for players to hold out?

Read more: Barnwell graded more than 100 signings and trades this offseason

If O’Brien thought his relationship with Hopkins was unsalvageable and he needed to trade his star wide receiver away, that’s one thing. He simply had to get more out of that deal than an underwater running back contract and a second-round pick. Even if Hopkins wanted a new deal, the Stefon Diggs trade saw the Vikings send a less productive player with a reputation of creating drama inside his building to the Bills for a much greater haul, most notably a first-round pick. Beating the Vikings to the punch for that Bills deal would have been more defensible.

What’s left to do: Trade Kenny Stills. The Texans don’t really have a need for Stills as their fourth wide receiver behind Cobb, Brandin Cooks and Will Fuller, and the former Dolphins wideout has $7 million in unguaranteed money due on the final year of his deal. There’s an obvious fit here with the Packers, who didn’t get all of their shopping done this offseason.

What went right: Offensive tackle Germain Ifedi didn’t live up to expectations as a first-round pick for Seattle, but the Bears were able to sign the oft-penalized lineman to a one-year deal for just over $1 million, which is good value for a solid run-blocker. They will try Ifedi at guard as a replacement for the retired Kyle Long. General manager Ryan Pace also took the first steps out of the Mitchell Trubisky business, declining the quarterback’s fifth-year option while bringing in Nick Foles to compete for a starting job. While Robert Quinn’s five-year, $70 million deal is expensive, it’s for a player for whom ESPN’s pass rush win rate analysis suggests was the most effective pass-rusher in the league over the past two seasons. I also liked the flier Chicago took on former Steelers first-round corner Artie Burns.

What went wrong: Despite the fact that Foles’ contract was a disaster for the Jaguars, the Bears sent a fourth-round pick to acquire him and didn’t force the Jags to eat any of the money, instead restructuring $21 million in guarantees to come due over the next three seasons. Foles could work out as the team’s starter, but this is the equivalent of signing an expensive three-year gym membership as a college senior. There couldn’t have been much of a market for Foles, and Andy Dalton, who was cut by the Bengals after the draft, came without the pick or significant cash attached.

The Jimmy Graham deal was likely the worst contract of free agency, as a Bears team that had already committed significant assets to tight ends Dion Sims, Adam Shaheen and Trey Burton under Pace gave Graham a two-year, $16 million deal with $9 million guaranteed and a truly inexplicable no-trade clause. Graham can’t block, and he was anonymous during his time with the Packers. Chicago needed three voidable years to re-sign linebacker Danny Trevathan on a three-year, $21.8 million deal, which is like taking out a loan so you can help pay for that gym membership. There are still questions about what this team has at wide receiver and in the secondary, where it will likely need second-rounder Jaylon Johnson to start as a rookie.

What they could have done differently: Waited out the quarterback market. Foles wasn’t going to have many suitors, and the Jaguars had little leverage in moving his massive contract. Judging from the deals that Dalton and Jameis Winston signed — and the offers Joe Flacco and Cam Newton have yet to get — there was more supply in the quarterback market than demand this offseason. Wiping away the Graham deal goes without saying; if the Bears wanted to go after a versatile tight end, they were better off handing a similar deal to Eric Ebron, who signed with Pittsburgh for less money.

What’s left to do: Add a veteran cornerback. The bottom tier of the cornerback market still has plenty of options available. Guys such as Eli Apple, Trumaine Johnson and Dre Kirkpatrick were generally problems in 2019, but the Bears should be able to sign one of them for little more than the veterans minimum. I would prefer Apple, who is still only 24 and was competent for the Saints in 2018.

What went right: The Patriots finally invested at tight end, using third-round picks on Devin Asiasi and Dalton Keene. Franchising and retaining guard Joe Thuney gives them their best chance of building around the running game as they shift their offensive identity. Perhaps most important, they kept their dominant secondary together by re-signing Devin McCourty to a two-year deal, losing only Duron Harmon to the Lions.

Behind the 32-year-old McCourty at safety, coach Bill Belichick made obviously Belichickian additions by signing Adrian Phillips and using a second-round pick on the versatile and athletic Kyle Dugger. New England also banked three projected compensatory picks for the players it lost in free agency, including a third-rounder for quarterback Tom Brady and fourth-rounders for linebackers Jamie Collins and Kyle Van Noy.

What went wrong: The Patriots had Brady at quarterback, and now they have Jarrett Stidham. Even a diminished Brady would still project to be a playoff-caliber quarterback with the sort of defense this team had in 2019; the same thing isn’t clear with Stidham, who appears to be the Week 1 starter. Losing Brady is one thing, but the Pats neglecting to make a meaningful move for someone like Andy Dalton seems shortsighted and stubborn.

Franchising Thuney means New England has a league-high $28.6 million of its cap committed to guards in 2020, nearly $7 million more than any other team. The Thuney tag cost the Patriots valuable cap space and eliminated their leverage in dealing with Rob Gronkowski when he wanted to return, forcing them to trade their legendary tight end to the Bucs for a midround pick. The Pats also lost three members of their starting front seven with Collins, Van Noy and defensive tackle Danny Shelton leaving town. While I have faith Belichick will replace those guys in the long term, the defense should take a step backward in 2020.

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Bill Belichick is confident Jarrett Stidham will be able to lead the Patriots’ offense.

What they could have done differently: When Brady was clamoring for more money during the summer of 2019, the Patriots gave him a “two-year deal,” which was really an $8 million raise and a ticket to free agency after the season. Given that Brady ended up netting only a two-year, $50 million deal on the open market, this team could have made him a credible multiyear offer to stick around for the remainder of his career.

Would Brady have taken that kind of offer if the Pats had made it at this time last year? It’s impossible to say. Given what both sides had to gain, though, it’s not hard to imagine a common ground where the Patriots could have given him a new deal with two years of guarantees and a voidable year or two attached to help create short-term cap space. (The Pats used that space on Antonio Brown, which is another thing that didn’t go well.)

Belichick is obviously not stupid; the Patriots chose not to make that sort of offer for a reason. Stidham’s performance over the next couple of years will make it clear whether the legendary coach was right to move on from the most fruitful relationship in NFL history.

What’s left to do: Clear out cap room and wait. New England should be targeting veterans who come available now that we’re on the other side of the post-June 1 window. (I know that sounds weird, but in the NFL, the middle of May comes after June 1.) Belichick can clear out about $5 million by cutting backup running back Rex Burkhead and offensive lineman Jermaine Eluemunor or gin up another $3 million or so by releasing safety Terrence Brooks and tight end Matt LaCosse. The Pats should be in the market for a veteran tight end, but more important, it’s money they could put toward someone like Cam Newton or Joe Flacco, if they’re healthy enough to compete with Stidham and Brian Hoyer.

What went right: The Lions went all-in on rebuilding their oft-frustrating secondary, trading cornerback Darius Slay and replacing him by signing Desmond Trufant and drafting Jeff Okudah at No. 3 overall. On paper, the trio of Okudah, Trufant and Justin Coleman would rank as one of the best cornerback combinations in the league. Trading for safety Duron Harmon completed the defensive back makeover. They will miss Slay, but even with him on the field last season, they allowed a passer rating of 97.4, which would have been the eighth-worst mark in the league.

What went wrong: Coach Matt Patricia and general manager Bob Quinn elected to rebuild most of their defense by acquiring the players Bill Belichick didn’t want to keep, a move that typically turns out poorly for other teams. Jamie Collins’ three-year, $30 million deal seemed particularly onerous for a linebacker who was a mess outside of New England during his run with Cleveland. The Lions will now start four former Pats on defense in Collins, Harmon, Trey Flowers and Danny Shelton. They look perilously thin along the defensive line, and while Belichick has been able to mold middling players into contributors across his front seven, Patricia’s players have generally been better elsewhere than they were playing for him in Detroit.

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The Lions also weren’t able to parlay the No. 3 draft pick into a bidding war between the Chargers and Dolphins, forcing them to stay put. Okudah should be an impact cornerback, and I don’t have any issue with them drafting him, but this team could have sorely used an extra first-round pick. Detroit used its second-round pick on running back D’Andre Swift, and while he is a talented player, this isn’t a roster that can afford to use two second-round picks on running backs across three years. You could argue Kerryon Johnson is a sunk cost, but the Lions could have addressed running back with one of a number of veterans at minimal cost.

Instead, Detroit hit free agency yet again, and its deals were questionable. Trufant hasn’t lived up to expectations over the past three seasons. The five-year, $45 million deal it handed Halapoulivaati Vaitai pays the former Eagles swing tackle like he is an upper-echelon starter. It sure looks reminiscent of the big deal that Detroit handed former starting right tackle Rick Wagner, which didn’t work out.

What they could have done differently: Resisted the urge to go after as many former Patriots as possible. The Collins deal is a mess, and under Belichick, the Patriots have exhibited the ability to develop players such as Shelton and Harmon into useful contributors. Patricia and Quinn are trying to buy them instead. If the Lions couldn’t trade down in the first round, they should have used their second-rounder on a position that’s tougher to fill than halfback.

What’s left to do: Add defensive line help. Detroit signed Nick Williams to a two-year deal after he impressed with the Bears in his first significant stretch of pro action as a 29-year-old, but it needs another pass-rusher to mix in on a rotational basis. I’d love to see the Lions sign Jadeveon Clowney, but more realistically, this would be a landing spot for somebody like Jabaal Sheard on the edge or Marcell Dareus on the interior. Hey, one of those guys used to play for the Patriots!

What went right: The Rams acknowledged sunk costs and made the difficult decision to essentially erase their 2018 offseason by releasing running back Todd Gurley and trading away receiver Brandin Cooks. They rebuilt their defensive line around Aaron Donald by signing Leonard Floyd and A’Shawn Robinson, and when Michael Brockers failed his physical with the Ravens, they brought him back at a reasonable price. L.A. is expected to add third- and fourth-round compensatory picks in the 2021 draft for losing linebackers Dante Fowler Jr. and Cory Littleton in free agency.

What went wrong: As I wrote about in my winners and losers column, the Rams didn’t address their needs. They used their two second-round picks on replacements for Gurley and Cooks; shouldn’t Sean McVay be able to coach up a running back and third receiver without having to use the team’s top picks? Their offensive line is still seriously troubling, and while they re-signed veteran left tackle Andrew Whitworth, the 38-year-old committed 14 penalties last season, up from 12 over his prior two seasons combined. The Rams have two other line starters coming off season-ending knee injuries, and they added only Jamil Demby and seventh-round pick Tremayne Anchrum.

They didn’t replace Littleton, and while defensive coordinator Wade Phillips has a track record of molding inside linebackers out of unlikely places, Phillips is gone too. The Rams were ninth in defensive DVOA last season, and they will go from Phillips’ decades of experience to 37-year-old Brandon Staley, who has spent only three years in the NFL. They also lost longtime special-teams coordinator John Fassel, who will be replaced by former Central Michigan coach John Bonamego.

Sean McVay and the Rams have parted ways with several key contributors this offseason, including wide receiver Brandin Cooks. Kirby Lee/USA TODAY Sports

Perhaps more disconcertingly, it seems L.A. is either struggling with cash flow or going to present itself as such for the time being. It still hasn’t paid Gurley or Clay Matthews owed bonus money, which led to Matthews filing a grievance with the league. Last week, the Rams reportedly applied for a $500 million loan from the league to help finance cost overruns on their new stadium while simultaneously asking for a 30-year repayment term, which is double the typical length. These two issues likely aren’t directly related — the bonuses for Gurley and Matthews are a drop in the bucket relative to the stadium costs — but it’s fair to wonder whether the organization is in position to meet the lofty contract demands of star corner Jalen Ramsey.

What they could have done differently: As was the case with the Texans and Tunsil, the Rams should have negotiated an extension with Ramsey when they made their trade with the Jaguars. It would have been more difficult, given that they made the deal in the middle of the season, but even agreeing on the broader framework of an extension would have gone a long way. Given how Marcus Peters has played since leaving the Rams, it’s fair to argue that this team should have just held onto him and its two first-round picks, but that’s another conversation altogether.

The Rams didn’t have a first-round pick in April, and they won’t have one in next year’s draft, either. With that in mind, they badly needed to use one of their second-round picks this year on helping their offensive line. The organization was spoiled by what happened in 2017 and 2018, when the line stayed remarkably healthy and free-agent imports such as Whitworth and John Sullivan played at a high level. The line was a mess last season, and Jared Goff just isn’t good enough to overcome heavy pressure. He posted a league-worst passer rating of 34.5 under pressure. Even if second-round pick Cam Akers turns into a superstar, the Rams should have waited to target a running back.

What’s left to do: Sign Ramsey (or wide receiver Cooper Kupp). Both Kupp and Ramsey are in the final year of their respective deals, and the Rams don’t want to head to the 2021 offseason with the two stars vying for one franchise tag. They also will have to work on deals for tight end Gerald Everett and defensive backs John Johnson III and Troy Hill next year, and while some of their pending free agents will be allowed to leave, they probably want to lock up at least one of their big two before the season begins. Ramsey will look to reset the cornerback market and will be asking something in the range of $20 million per season.

What went right: In a market in which teams were aggressively paying for potential at offensive tackle, the Packers got a reasonable price in replacing Bryan Bulaga with Rick Wagner on a two-year, $11 million pact. While it wasn’t the first-round wide receiver Packers fans were craving, Devin Funchess could deliver good value on a one-year, $2.5 million deal as a second or third wideout. And while it’s not ideal for their chances of winning in 2020, if Green Bay did add its quarterback of the future when it drafted Jordan Love with the 26th pick, it would obviously push this offseason way higher than it ranks now.

What went wrong: In an offseason in which the draft was full of wide receiver talent and veteran wideout prices were depressed, the Packers really couldn’t come away with more than Funchess? Taking Love was one thing, but using a second-round pick on bruising running back AJ Dillon seemed more egregious. It also seemed to hint that Aaron Jones’ future after the season lies outside of Green Bay, which is unlikely to make many Packers fans happy.

The decision to move on from Bulaga also was curious, given that he signed a relatively friendly deal with the Chargers. It’s possible the Packers weren’t given an option to match, but if they could have signed Bulaga for three years and $30 million, they should have brought back their stalwart right tackle.

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They didn’t do much to address their defense. While they improved from 29th to 15th in DVOA after a spending spree in free agency last year, they are unlikely to be as healthy on the defensive side of the ball in 2020 after their starters missed a total of four games all season. They replaced linebacker Blake Martinez with Christian Kirksey, which should be a positive if Kirksey stays healthy, but I was surprised Green Bay didn’t try to do more to add depth on defense.

What they could have done differently: Realistically, even if the Packers wanted Love in Round 1, they should have gone out of their way to get one of the remaining wideouts in the second round. I’m not often an advocate for trading up, and it’s possible that opposing teams were quoting astronomical prices to the Packers after seeing how their fan base reacted to the Love pick, but they should have moved up in the second round to get someone like Laviska Shenault Jr. or Denzel Mims. Dillon basically has to turn into Derrick Henry for that pick to work, and both the track record and NFL career span of backs like Henry aren’t great.

What’s left to do: Acquire a veteran wideout. I mentioned Kenny Stills earlier, and a trade for the Texans wideout makes total sense.

What went right: The Seahawks added significant offensive line depth, re-signing Mike Iupati and signing the likes of B.J. Finney, Brandon Shell, Cedric Ogbuehi and Chance Warmack, before drafting Damien Lewis in the third round. With a thin depth chart at wide receiver behind starters Tyler Lockett and DK Metcalf, they were able to get a steal by adding Phillip Dorsett on a one-year deal for the veterans minimum. They also added some modestly priced depth at defensive end by signing Benson Mayowa and Bruce Irvin, and they made what looked to be an excellent trade in acquiring cornerback Quinton Dunbar from Washington for a fifth-round pick.

What went wrong: Dunbar’s near-term future appears to be uncertain after a warrant was issued for his arrest on armed robbery charges. The Seahawks will be able to get by without him, but they still haven’t acquired a primary pass-rusher after letting Jadeveon Clowney leave this offseason. The former first overall pick is still a free agent, but Seattle was 30th in adjusted sack rate with him and could be even worse without him. The two-year, $23 million deal the team gave defensive tackle Jarran Reed had a player-friendly structure, and it kept the franchise aligned with a player who was suspended for six games after being accused of domestic assault last year.

While it’s obviously too early to make significant judgments about draft picks, Seattle’s first-round selection of off-ball linebacker Jordyn Brooks was widely seen as a stretch for both the player and the positional value. The Seahawks have proved broader consensus wrong in the past — Metcalf and quarterback Russell Wilson come to mind — but Brooks will have to be great to overcome the needs this team had on either side of the line of scrimmage. Most of the offensive linemen Seattle added simply weren’t very good in other places, with Finney as an exception. The one-year, $7 million deal the Seahawks gave Greg Olsen was also a lot for a 35-year-old tight end with one healthy season over his past three years.

Jadeveon Clowney had a successful season in Seattle, and he hasn’t found a team in free agency. Could he return to the Seahawks? Jeffrey Vest/Getty Images

What they could have done differently: I would suggest that they should have traded down from No. 27, but I’m not sure there was much of a market for the pick. The Packers moved up to 26 to draft Love, but after that, no team moved up in the draft until the Colts did so at No. 41. Taking a player at a more significant position would make sense to me, such as offensive tackle Isaiah Wilson or defensive end Yetur Gross-Matos.

The depth approach Seattle took to its line was interesting, but adding a second guaranteed starter behind Finney would have been helpful. Shell appears likely to start at right tackle, but on a two-year, $9 million price tag, I would have liked to see the Seahawks try to finally find a pass-protecting tackle for Wilson by going after Bryan Bulaga.

What’s left to do: Bring back Clowney. A one-year reunion makes sense for both sides, given that the Seahawks are likely to be a playoff contender and Clowney wants to restore his free-agent stock on a winner. Seattle has about $15 million in cap space, which is a little more than what he might hope to land on a one-year pact at this point. General manager John Schneider could clear out $5.4 million by releasing backup pass-catchers Jacob Hollister and David Moore.

What went right: The ideal situation for the Titans would have been retaining quarterback Ryan Tannehill and franchising running back Derrick Henry, which is what ended up happening. Tennessee hasn’t yet come to terms on an extension with Henry, which I’m considering a plus given how poorly contracts have aged for running backs. It also lost right tackle Jack Conklin, but it replaced the former All-Pro by re-upping Dennis Kelly and using its first-round pick on Isaiah Wilson.

What went wrong: Losing Conklin and cornerback Logan Ryan cost the team two valuable starters, and I’m not sure the Kelly/Wilson combination or free-agent corner Johnathan Joseph are going to be as valuable in their absence. The Vic Beasley Jr. signing locked the Titans in on a one-year deal for a pass-rusher who has been successful for 1½ of his five pro seasons and didn’t offer any ability to keep him if he exceeds expectations.

Most notably, to get the Tannehill deal done, the Titans practically guaranteed their breakout quarterback three years and $91 million, which is a huge investment for a player whom the Dolphins paid $5 million to sell for a fourth-round pick at this time last year. He was one of the league’s best quarterbacks last season, but he has a lengthy injury history. The Titans also want to build around running the football, which makes a $31 million quarterback an expensive accessory.

What they could have done differently: I’m not sure the Titans had much of a choice, but even limiting the Tannehill deal to two guaranteed seasons would have been a much better deal. With hindsight, it’s fair to suggest they might have been better off letting him hit the market and going after somebody like Nick Foles or Andy Dalton at a much cheaper price. Likewise, for a team that has expressed interest in Jadeveon Clowney, the Titans would have been better off just signing Clowney to a one-year deal as opposed to Beasley. Some of that is hindsight, but the Beasley and Tannehill deals raised questions before we even saw how the rest of those respective markets worked out.

What’s left to do: Let Henry play out his franchise tag. When he was asked about a possible extension in January, Henry said the six-year, $90 million extension that Ezekiel Elliott signed with the Cowboys was “the floor.” Elliott’s deal paid him $37.6 million over its first three years.

Henry’s franchise tag is worth $10.2 million in 2020. If the Titans franchised him two more times, in 2021 and 2022, they would end up paying him $40.1 million, which is right about what Elliott’s deal included after accounting for cap inflation. They also would retain the leverage of going year to year with the ability to opt out if Henry gets hurt or doesn’t live up to expectations. The NFL’s running back economics are absolutely warped, and it’s unfair to Henry after his production over the past year and a half, but the Titans will likely regret it if they give him a Zeke-sized deal.

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[junker-town]

Terrell Lewis’ injury history shouldn’t overshadow his high ceiling with the Rams

Terrell Lewis is an exciting 2020 NFL Draft prospect despite his injury history.

Retired defensive end Stephen White thinks Terrell Lewis might have the highest ceiling of any draft prospect in years.

The Los Angeles Rams selected Terrell Lewis with the 84th overall pick in the 2020 NFL Draft. Here’s what Stephen White had to say about Lewis ahead of the draft.

Former Alabama edge rusher Terrell Lewis missed the majority of his college career with injuries. One of those was a torn ACL, which is pretty serious. Last season, he missed two games due to injury and elected not to play in Alabama’s bowl game against Michigan. In the four games I watched for this breakdown, he didn’t record a single sack, either. His technique in all phases also needs a little bit of work.

How, then, can I say with a straight face that three years from now we may be debating whether Lewis or Ohio State’s Chase Young is the best edge rusher to come out of this draft?

I’m glad you asked!

First off, let’s talk about Lewis’ size.

I have never been more thrown off by a player’s jersey number as I was while watching Lewis run around with that No. 24 on. But it wasn’t just that. While the guy is 6’5 and weighed in at 262 pounds at the combine, he actually is built like a strong safety. Well, until you see him standing beside an actual strong safety.

Sometimes I’d miss where Lewis was on the field because my brain would just reject the notion that I was supposed to be looking for a dude wearing No. 24 rushing the passer.

And just to be clear, Lewis is a hair taller and just about the same weight as Young. Lewis’ arms are actually a little longer than Young’s, as well. Needless to say, Lewis has the size to play the position, even if it’s sometimes hard to tell just looking at him. Hell, both he and Young are kinda like a Create-A-Player when it comes to their stature.

What Lewis does well: Making plays from everywhere

In addition to being pretty much the perfect size for an edge rusher, Lewis also possesses uncommon athletic ability. That is evidenced by Alabama using him in so many different ways. He lined up on the edge and rushed the passer, and he dropped back into coverage quite a bit as well.

And I’m not talking about some bullshit, half-assed zone drops. He played man-to-man out of the backfield several times, and looked damn good doing it for the most part.

Alabama also had him blitzing both from off the ball, and up at the line of scrimmage for the double A-gap variety. The Tide even stuck him inside as a hand-in-the-dirt three-technique a few times and he acquitted himself well there, too.

Lewis looked pretty much the same no matter what, and he is going to be able to make plays wherever he lines up in the NFL.

Some people don’t think about power when they are talking about athleticism, but I believe it all goes together. Lewis may not be the strongest defensive end you have ever seen, but I watched him stand his ground against a lot of bigger dudes, so I have no worries about him being strong enough to play the position. In fact, when he really learns how to convert his speed into power on a more consistent basis, that may end up being one of the strongest parts of his game, pun intended.

Then there’s Lewis’ technique. I know some of you are thinking, “Wait a minute, I thought Steve said his technique was a problem,” but that’s just because you can’t read. What I actually said was his technique “needs some work” because it does, but that’s so he can transform from a good player to potentially a great one. Remember, I’m not comparing him to some sloppy dude here. Young is one of the better pro-ready prospects I’ve ever broken down.

Lewis isn’t where Young is now, but Lewis’ jump on the next level could be astounding. One of the main reasons is because he just hasn’t played that much football in the last several years. The lack of game reps seems to be reflected in his inconsistent technique at times.

Most of the basic stuff he was asked to do was no problem for Lewis. He has a good get-off whether standing up or out of a three-point stance. He also comes off and gets full extension well when taking on blockers. He changes direction well after the snap and has a pretty good feel for the game.

It isn’t like he is a bad player as is. But I can see him being so much more.

Where Lewis can improve: Sharpening his technique

While Lewis takes on blockers pretty well, there were too many times when he didn’t escape off the block to make the tackle until it was too late. That’s the kind of thing you normally get better at as you get more game reps. It’s not that he couldn’t escape off of blocks, but it was more of a timing issue. And sometimes probably just laziness, trying to reach out for a tackle instead of, say, making a rip move first to clear himself from the blocker and put himself in better position to take the ball carrier down.

That also applies to Lewis as a pass rusher, and rushing the passer is probably where he has the most room to grow. Don’t get me wrong, I thought he showed a nice array of moves for a college edge rusher, and there is already a lot of good stuff to work with for any NFL defensive line coach. It’s just that with a little bit of polish, Lewis will be able to convert more of his pressures into sacks.

For instance, Lewis has the makings of being dominant with his long-arm move — and that’s where having longer arms come in pretty handy. He did a really good job of coming off the ball like he was going to attempt a speed rush to get the offensive tackles bailing out, then stabbing them right in the chest with his inside hand and jolting them backward.

The problem would come when Lewis wouldn’t go ahead and escape off the move before the blocker could recover. He would end up stuck too long on the block, which would give the quarterback time to either throw the ball, or step up in the pocket and away from his pressure. Once he gets more consistent with using his outside hand to swipe and then finish with a rip or arm-over, offensive linemen are going to catch absolute hell trying to stop that move.

While Lewis has the athleticism to be a finesse guy, he also had plenty of success as a power rusher too. Being able to get off those power rushes just a touch quicker is going to make a huge difference in his production.

At the same time, Lewis is one of those guys who can win around the corner, and it seems like those kinds of pure speed rushers are in short supply these days. I did find it interesting that while Lewis had such an explosive get-off at his disposal, I didn’t see him trying to burn the edge much. A guy as fast as he is, with that level of athleticism, he should be dipping and ripping more unless and until the offensive tackles show they can stop it.

I also thought he could’ve used his cross chop a little more. It was almost shocking to see him use different moves because he used some of them so sparingly. As he continues to sharpen his technique, he is probably going to see a lot more success running around blockers.

Lewis’ NFL future: The next Von Miller (if healthy)

You know who I kept thinking about while watching Lewis flash for four games?

Von Miller.

That’s who Lewis reminded me of when he would make an explosive play seemingly out of the blue. So I decided to look up Miller’s combine numbers.

He hit a 37-inch vertical and a 126-inch broad jump. Lewis notched the same vertical and a 124-inch broad jump. But Miller weighed in at “only” 6’3 and 246 pounds.

Take from that what you will. While I admit Miller had much better technique coming out than Lewis currently possesses, there isn’t any role Miller plays on the field that I don’t think Lewis could do, too. There is a distinct possibility that one day Lewis will be doing a lot of the same things just as good or better than Miller.

Yeah, I said it.

Of course, the elephant in the room is the injuries. As somehow who went through his share of injuries both in college and in the NFL, I’m a little sensitive to the label “injury prone,” especially when we are talking about major injuries like Lewis suffered in college. I am unaware of any exercise or stretch that will prevent an ACL tear. Trust me, if such a thing existed every football player would be trying it.

At the same time, the truth is one of the most important abilities of any player is availability. That is the cold business side of the game, and of course it has to factor into any draft evaluation. None of us have a crystal ball, so Lewis might go out there the first play of his career and get injured again, or he might play the next decade without missing a rep. There’s no way to know for sure.

Since I have no interest in seeing his medical records, and because I generally hate talking about injuries, I’m just going to assume Lewis stays healthy as a pro. If he does, the sky really is the limit with this kid. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a college player with this much upside. I am damn near positive I’ve never done a breakdown with a guy whose ceiling was any higher.

I could easily spin Lewis missing so much time to injuries in college to there not being as many miles on his body. He really only played two seasons, and he’s still only 21. He already has a potent spin move to work as a counter off his speed rushes, so he’s ready to get on the field and get pressure early on his career.

That, ladies and gentlemen, gets me excited! Once you see him in the NFL, I think you will be excited too.

Lewis may be floating under the radar due to injuries and his mostly underwhelming statistics, but if he can just stay healthy, he could be the kind of NFL edge rusher offensive coordinators have to gameplan around. I have no idea how his injury history will affect where he’s drafted, but no matter when or where he goes, it’s all going to come down to his health.

If he can find a way to stay on the field, Lewis will be able to impact the outcome of games on an outsized level eventually. And if that happens, the barbershop debates over him and Young are going to be epic a few years down the road.

Be sure to check out my other scouting reports on Chase Young, Jerry Jeudy, Derrick Brown, Jedrick Wills Jr., A.J. Epenesa, CeeDee Lamb, Javon Kinlaw, and Mekhi Becton.

For the purposes of this breakdown, I watched Lewis play against South Carolina, Arkansas, LSU, and Auburn.

[auburnfamilynews]

Hikeba from the Satellite of Love, I’m Drew, your host, as we walk through the worst wins in Auburn history that I have video of in my collection. So far on the countdown, we’ve been to Columbia, South Carolina where Auburn took down a solid Steven Garcia led Gamecock team and we watched last week as Auburn gave The Hat his final blow at LSU and saved Gus Malzahan’s coaching tenure at Auburn. This week though? This week the Mads have given us a win that really meant nothing…Thus we begin the…

part of the count down. From here on, there is not much redeeming about these wins. On top of that, they are tough games to watch, where there’s no offense…no defense…or a sick combination of both, SOMETIMES EVEN IN THE SAME PLAY, as we will get to in this stink burger…the 2008 Tennessee @ Auburn game!

THE PREGAME

Both teams came in to this one with rustled fanbases to say the least. Tennessee had started the season ranked 18th in the country, coming off an SEC Eastern Division Championship in 2007, but had found the going rough so far as they entered with a 1-2 record. A win over UAB had done little to quite the fans after a loss in the Rose Bowl against UCLA in overtime to start the season and a very poor effort in a home loss to #4 Florida the week prior. The star of the Vols show was safety Eric Berry. Yup, that Eric Berry.

On offense though…well…

Yeah, definitely not a player like Eric Berry. I feel like Jonathan Crompton’s music video would be done by that Wal Mart yodeling kid from a few years ago.

Auburn knew what the Vols were going through offensively at least. Auburn was 3-1 on the season and entered the contest at #15 in the country. The week prior, Auburn had lost a late lead and given up a game against #6 LSU 26-21 at home and were trying to find themselves offensively under new offensive coordinator Tony Franklin. Franklin would switch between quarterbacks Chris Todd and Kodi Burns, though he had stuck with Todd the previous 2 weeks (against Mississippi State and LSU). The defense, on the other hand, was one of Tuberville’s best products. Paul Rhodes headed up a group that led the nation in most categories and looked to keep that trend going until the offense found itself. Mix all of this together, along with CBS betting that Tennessee would beat Florida and Auburn would beat LSU as both teams were at home the prior week, AND WE HAVE OURSELVES A SLOBBER KNOCKER OF A PILLOW FIGHT!

THE GAME

Leading us on our tour of this one are some familiar faces

Uncle Vern and Cousin Garry

While they aren’t the best , at least they aren’t Rod Gilmore.

And there’s the kick as Tennessee would start off from their own 25 yard line and 3 plays later they were punting to Auburn, who would start off in great field position at their own 45. Chris Todd would get the nod and the Tigers would get a first down and then would think about some trickery.

On the first look, you would say, ‘Wow, that’s some stellar defense by Tennessee to get pressure like that and snuff out the trick play.’ And you would be right, the defensive line did their job. But later, Gary had time to break down what happened on the back end and we see how close to the sun the Vols flew on that play.

MAN! If Dunn had been able to pull the trigger, that would have been the Tennessee we’ve known and loved since…well since 2008. So Auburn would punt and give it back to Mr. Crompton and Tennessee.

MAN! And Crompton could have had his first completion of the game if he would have caught his own pass there! JC wanted nooo part of that as he would have had to have taken a shot from that Auburn defensive line. No shame here, I would have ran from that one like a nest of bees were that football. Tennessee would punt it back to Auburn after that play and the Tigers would go on their best (only) offensive drive of the day, as they covered 69 (nice) yards in 11 plays, capped off by this beauty to Robert Dunn.

Tennessee would take the ball and look to begin a march to answer the Tiger TD.

Ok, so don’t do that.

Actually, JC would complete his first pass of the game on this drive. It didn’t look like this play later in the drive.

DAMN GARY! CHANNELING HIS INNER HATIN’ ASS SPURRIER AND BRINGING THE HEAT!! With that being 3rd down, Tennessee would bring out the FG unit to cut in to Auburn’s lead.

So it’s 7-3 Auburn.

Auburn would take the kick out to the 36 and look to build upon their success in the last drive.

SO that meant a punt in 3 plays. Tennessee would take it from their own 21 and with the help of some big runs, the Vols would be set up for another big 3rd down deep in Auburn territory.

No, that is not the same clip from earlier. That’s a completely different play. I don’t know who Crompton knows on that sideline but he really wants to give them a ball to take home as a souvenir. So again, the Vols would send out the Field Goal unit. I will spare you from another FG clip, it was good, and its now 7-6 Auburn. Auburn would then take the kickoff to the 27 and would get it to just short of the 5 before they were forced to punt and were able to pin the Vols back to their own 5 yard line. That’s were JC and a name that Fantasy Football owners would come to love in later years, combined to make magic.

Lost in this clip is that yes…

Peyton is in the building to take this one in. And no, thank God, he didn’t have any eligibility left. I mean, don’t get me wrong, as Gary called it ‘as easy a play as you can get’, but how do you not look the ball in to the basket of the Running Back’s stomach when you are at the 5 yard line, in the student section end of the field (meaning it’s really really loud), when you’ve already had fumble troubles with that running back and yourself. So, Auburn takes a 14-6 lead.

Tennessee would take the ball from the 25 and look to just get back on track.

So that was 2nd and 2. The Vols would punt after 3rd down. Auburn would take it from the 36 and KODI IS ALIVE! The crowd loses its collective minds and, this is the stuff they wanted to see.

AUBURN’S GONNA WIN THIS ONE PAWL!! In all seriousness, that’s a Cam Newton sorta play in that everything just worked out. Auburn would get down to the Tennessee 18 where ol’ Wes Byrum would extend Auburn’s lead.

Should have said ‘try to’. SO…its 14-6 Auburn. Tennessee would take it from the 20 and try to get some points before the half.

And that’s how the half would end at 14-6.

Auburn would get the second half kick and go from the 20. Before we get to the clip, Uncle Vern and Cousin Gary will take a look at the 1st half. I warn you about this because the Red Cross is making me…avoid the stats and just know its bad. It’s real bad.

So after that Auburn would punt in 3 plays. Tennessee would answer that punt with a punt of their own and would pin Auburn at the 4 as Todd comes back in. The Tigers would look to break out of the bad position on a 3rd down play.

SO A 3 AND OUT PUNT IT IS! Tennessee, not to be out down, would get the ball from the 44.

SO A 3 AND OUT PUNT IT IS! This time Auburn would get it at the 2…

*big gulp of bourbon*

I know how this game ends and Chris Todd still has me nervous…HOW WAS THAT NOT PICKED OFF?! Good Lord, he might as well could have handed it off to the Tennessee secondary and that would have been that! Todd would lead the Tigers out of the bad position and would get to the Vol 44 before he flew too close to the sun.

JC and the Vols would begin their best drive of the day from the Auburn 37, though it would take them 9 plays to finally find paydirt.

So with the failed 2 point try, its Auburn’s lead 14-12 as we are early in the 4th quarter. The Tigers would get the kick from the 20 and would grab a 1st down before the drive stalled out and were forced to punt.

At this point, I’m not sure if Auburn really wins this game. The Vols have it at the Auburn 38 and are down just 2 points.

OH YEAH! Jonathan Crompton is the quarterback for Tennessee and they call a QB Draw on 3rd and 10! That’s right! For some reason, Tennessee punts, praying Auburn will make another mistake deep in their own territory. Auburn takes it from the 11 and punts 3 plays later. Tennessee would get it from the 42 and would be forced into a 3rd and 4 to keep the drive going.

I mean, Gary is doing my work for me. Not sure what’s happening there, but JC just wants to get to the bus ASAP.

The Tigers would get it from the 20 this time…lose 8 yards and punt. Tennessee would not take such generosity and give it back to Auburn after 3 plays. Auburn, from the 20 again, would put back in Kodi and would only lose 2 yards on this drive before punting and would give it back to Tennessee with time winding down. Once again, it would be put on the shoulders of Jonathan Crompton for a big 3rd down play.

I mean, at least JC made a smart decision and had a 30-70 chance of his guy catching it or getting a PI bailout call. However, Tennessee would punt down to the Auburn 5 where Kodi Burns would look to ice this one away.

Tennessee would use the rest of their Time Outs but it was for naught as Auburn, who gained only 77 yards in the second half, who went 3 & out 5 of the 8 times they touched the ball in the second half, who went 3 & out 7 of the 13 times they touched the ball in the game(!), held on for a 14-12 win.

THE AFTERGLOW

So, after this one, Tennessee would continue to struggle to find themselves, the lowest point of the season, a Homecoming loss to the Cowboys of Wyoming. Even finishing the season with back to back wins over Vandy and Kentucky weren’t enough to save head coach Phillip Fulmer and would pave the way for the Lane Train to pull in to Knoxville.

Auburn followed a similar path to the Vols. The following week was the debacle in Nashville where Gameday came for a Top 20 clash between Auburn and Vandy that would see the Dores beat Auburn 14-13 and the spiral began. Auburn would close out the year dropping every contest save for a homecoming win against UT-Martin. Auburn and Tommy Tuberville would part ways and would make way for Gene Chizik to make his way back to Auburn.

Well that does it for another installment of Auburn Football Theater 2020. Tune in again next week as we hit the 7th toughest victory to watch in my library…till then… hit the button Frank

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2020/4/6/21208123/auburn-football-theater-2020-8-2008-vs-tennessee

[actual-cryptid-leshy]

The sky’s gonna hurt when it falls

Jeremy doesn’t keep many secrets, but maybe he’s gone a bit too far with this one. It’s totally fine though, really! He just has to lie a little more, and then it’ll all be fine again. He just has to show his friends why he loves theatre so much, and then they won’t all leave him when he tells them he’s been keeping it from them for basically their whole friendship! Haha. Yeah…

Jeremy wants to be in the school musical (true), because he wants to get to know Christine (also technically true). Because he has a crush on her (not true)

Word count: 33.5k

Read on AO3

Jermey Heere has a fool-fucking-proof plan.

Well okay, it’s a Jeremy-proof plan, and he’s the biggest idiot he knows, so same thing. No he’s being too harsh on himself again. He’s not that incompetent. He can do this. Definitely maybe. Anyway the point is that it’s a pretty solid plan, and if he follows it everything will be okay. Most likely. Probably. Oh fucking hell who’s he kidding this is gonna end terribly, but he’s sort of stuck with it now.

It started when he said he had a crush on Christine. Wait no it started when he needed an excuse to be in the musical. Actually it probably started the day Mr. Reyes said that they were gonna hold auditions for Heathers The Musical in three weeks. Yup that seems about right. The announcement had come over lunch one crisp September morning and it had marked the beginning of something, or maybe the end. Jeremy isn’t sure yet. He was seated at the usual table, Michael to his left like always, Brooke on his right for a change. Jenna usually sat at his right, but she was on the other side of the table talking Chloes ear off. Not that it looked like Chloe minded, because apparently this was some grade A Gossip-with-a-capital-G. Rich sat next to Michael, and across from Jake. The two were talking about The Game. Jeremy was assuming it was a football game, but he couldn’t be sure, no matter what sport the two talked about it always sounded the same. But it was nice seeing how enthusiastic they were. He was about to add something to the conversation Brooke and Michael had started up about Wonder Woman when Mr. Reyes had coughed loudly into the overhead system, making most of the people in the cafeteria wince.

‘’The drama department would like to announce that this years production is going to be Heathers, that is The Musical. Auditions will be held September 26th. Lines and songs for auditions can be picked up at my office at regular hours, a sign up sheet will be posted on the noticeboard within the week. Have a nice day.’’ and then the system went quiet, and so did everything in Jeremys head. Heathers. They were gonna do Heathers. He’s doomed.

There’s not much Jeremy doesn’t tell his friends, and even less he doesn’t tell Michael, but there are two very big secrets that he has never told a living soul. One of them is that he’s a fucking theatre geek. It hadn’t started as a secret, just something he was a little bit embarrassed to admit to anyone, but then his obsession grew and he still didn’t tell anyone and now it just feels like a big secret even though it might not be that important. It feels important. It feels like his friends are gonna be angry if he tells them now. Either because he’s a nerd or because he kept it from them for so long or maybe even both. It’s irrational, he knows. He never meant for it to build up into this huge thing, but he certainly never planned on telling them either, so make what you want of that. He had a plan. He was gonna ignore it until high school was over, and then he was gonna do…something. Probably either tell them or like gradually open up about liking show tunes or something. Except now there was a wrench in his plans. A Heathers shaped wrench. See, Heathers is Jeremys favorite musical, go figure. He’s wanted to try and be JD in a production for a long while now, and here was his chance. Who knows when he’ll get another opportunity like this? Freeze your brain starts playing on repeat in his head as he watches Michael sip the slushie he got from the 7/11 around the corner, and his heart clenches almost painfully. He’s kept this secret not only form his friends, but also his Best Friend, for a long while now. He’s almost scared. But maybe this can be it? Maybe he can use this to show them how amazing theatre is? God he hopes that’s how it’s gonna work out. At least he can change his name and run away to Seattle if he needs to. He laughs to himself at the reference, and notices Brooke and Michael staring at him. ‘’What?’’

‘’You’re spacing out dude, you okay?’’ Michael asks, a touch of concern in his voice. Brooke nods her head on the other side of him, her hair gently flowing with the motion.

‘’Yeah I’m fine, what were you guys talking about?’’ Jeremy answers. Michael giver him a look that very clearly says he doesn’t believe him, and they will talk about this later. But for now he simply launches back into the debate Brooke and him were having about which Wonder Woman outfit was the coolest.

‘’I mean the movie version is very clearly inspired by actual armor, it’s the most practical and it still stays true to the original design!’’ Brooke argues, and Jeremy nods along. ‘’Okay yes but the original comic book one is iconic, it’s the basis for what we know and love today, and the movie armor wouldn’t have the stylish look if it weren’t for the original.’’ Michael counters. He’s a sucker for source material, even though he can accept the faults of earlier versions of things he likes.

‘’I hear you both,’’ Jeremy says diplomatically.

‘’but also consider issue #209 when she fights Medusa.’’ The other two look scandalized.

‘’Those shoes were terrible!’’ Michael declares.

‘’That wasn’t even close to real armor.’’ Brooke huffs at the same time.

‘’I see my diplomatic skills are unwanted, and will take my leave.’’ Jeremy makes as if to stand up, but the two latch onto one arm each.

‘’You’re not going anywhere until we discuss your terrible taste.’’ Brooke says, a smile tugging at her lips. Michael isn’t as good at schooling his features, and is full on grinning as Jermey gets comfortable in his seat again.

‘’Yeah dude, the movie outfit is way better than that one. Like yeah it’s cool, i mean it’s Wonder Woman, but no. Story 10 outta 10, outfit a solid 4.5.’’ He says, looking to Brooke who nods.

‘’Yeah, I mean I’d have to admit i prefer the original outfit to that glorified monstrosity. I never understood why they always felt like plastering an entire gold eagle on her boobs, Seems inconvenient for fighting.’’ Michael is nodding along sagely.

‘’Peace at last!’’ Jeremy exclaims, and they both punch him in the arm as the three of them descend into giggles. The bell rings, signaling the end of lunch.

Jeremy has almost forgotten about the musical as he heads to Michaels car. He can see him leaning against the drivers door, headphones on and eyes closed, bobbing his head to a beat. It’s such a familiar and comforting sight that warmth blooms in his chest just by seeing it. And then Michael opens his eyes and sees him, a small but bright smile stretching across his face and the warmth increases tenfold. Jeremy raises the hand not clutching the strap of his backpack to wave, even though he’s only about five cars away. ‘’Michael!’’ he shouts happily, as if he hand’t seen him next to last period. Michaels smile widens a bit and he lowers his headphones to the customary position around his neck.

‘’Hey dude! Ready for some Zombie ass kicking?’’ Michael asks, as if the answer isn’t obvious.

‘’With you? Always.’’ Jeremy says with cheer in his voice as he gets into the passenger side of the car. The stereo is on and blasting some sort of punk, Michael leans over to turn the volume down, the bass line rumbling trough the car.

‘’So, are you going to Richs’ party?’’ Michael asks, eyes on the road. Jeremy consider it for a bit. Rich throws some cool parties, but they tend to be loud, and crowded, and usually something breaks.

‘’Maybe, depends on how I’m doing I guess. You?’’ Jeremy is looking directly at Michael, staring really, because he knows Michael will keep his eyes on the road anyway.

‘’I mean if you go I’ll go. No offense to any of our friends, but i don’t really like drunk people, so you’re really the only one worth hanging around at parties.’’ Something in Jeremys chest tightens again.

‘’I’m not the only sober one at parties though, you know Jenna doesn’t drink, and Chloe goes light on her booze too.’’ He counters, he doesn’t know why, but he just needs to hear what Michael will say next.

‘’Yeah, but they’re not you.’’ Oh, okay yeah, good answer. He’s glad he asked after all.

They finally turn onto the street the two of them live on, and Michael parks his car in front of his house. It’s a quick hello to his moms before they both disappear into the basement. They throw their bags by the bottom of the stairs and collapse into their respective beanbags.

‘’Okay so I’ve given it some thought and i genuinely believe we can just ignore the first dude and just go.’’ Michael says as he boots up the game. Blood dripping letters appear on the screen as the scream track plays something that the game developers must have thought of as ‘bloodcurdling’.

‘’Really? He doesn’t like come after us or anything?’’ Jeremy asks almost disbelievingly. He watches as Michael selects their save. Level 9.

‘’Yeah I tested it out briefly, if we just push past him he’s gone.’’ Michael confirms, pressing start. The level music for The Cafetorium leaks trough the speakers. Tinny and 8bit, and Jeremy is pretty sure he’s never gonna get that melody out of his head after how many times he’s heard it on repeat just trying to beat this god damned level.

‘’Alright dude, let’s go!’’ Michael whoops, as if it’s the two of them actually gearing up to mad dash by a raving lunatic.

‘’Right behind you!’’ Jeremy yells back, and then they exit the double doors right behind the pixelated avatar of their enemy. The first wave of zombies rushes them, but they’re prepared.

The musical doesn’t really enter Jeremys head again until he’s back home. His dad was sat on the sofa, pants-less of course, and had ignored him as he trekked up to his own room. Lying in bed he puts his headset on, he doesn’t use it as often as Michael uses his, but it’s still important to him. He puts his music on shuffle, and almost like a sign ‘I am damaged’ starts playing. He listens to JD beg Veronica to back away. He can picture the scene in his head. The song is only one and a half minutes long, but he feels the explosion at the end reverberating inside his skull. He gets up and skips ahead until ‘freeze your brain’ comes on, and then he lip syncs the entire number as he envisions himself strolling trough a stage set up of 7/11. With each pretend word he sings he feels his courage build, until he forgets to only pretend to sing. He can’t really hear himself over the music in his ears, but he feels the sound in his throat as he sings the words.

Freeze your brain

Shatter your skull

Fight pain with more pain

Forget who you are

Unburden your load

‘’JEREMY!’’ he hears his dad shout from downstairs. He pauses the music, pulls the headphones off.

‘’Sorry dad!’’ He shouts back, listens as his dad walks away from the staircase and back to the sofa. Jeremy sighs and looks at himself in the full length mirror on his closet door. He doesn’t really look like a JD. He’s skinny, gangly, eyes too big and face too…awkward. He opens his closet and pulls something out from the very back. It’s a very long very black something. He slips the trench coat on, flips the collar up, stuffs his hands in his pockets. Tries to look vaguely threatening. It doesn’t really work, so he tries for angry. Nope, still no good. He tries to make his face a blank mask, and for a second he thinks he has something, and he breaks into a grin from the joy of it. Oh wait. He sighs, runs his hands trough his hair, messing it up. He’s really thinking about doing this. Maybe he can just lie to his friends? Pretend he’s doing something else? But no that wouldn’t work. Plus he doesn’t feel too comfortable lying even more to his friends.

His mind drifts for a bit. Remembers last years performance of Romeo and Juliet. They’d all gone to see it together, just because. Supporting your local actors or whatever. Christine had been an amazing Juliet. He’s pretty sure he saw Jake cry when she killed herself at the end. Christine is an amazing person overall, she has such endless enthusiasm for theatre. Actually she has it for just about everything she does. Jeremy has kinda admired that about her since freshman year. And maybe secretly wanted to be her friend too. He’s just…way too awkward to make friends. Honestly? He’s only part of the friend group he is in now because of Michael. He’s known Michael since kindergarten, but Michael befriended Rich, and Rich brought along Jake, and Jake used to date Chloe but they’re friends now, and Chloe brought along Brooke and Jenna, and here they are. Somehow they all get along, and it’s nice. They’re all different, but they mesh in different ways and it’s pretty great. His mind drifts back to Christine again, and it hits him.

The Perfect Plan.

It’s Wednesday, and the audition sign up sheet is on the noticeboard. I repeat, the audition sign up sheet is on the noticeboard. Jeremy had seen it as he headed into lunch that day, and he couldn’t get it out of his head. He’d briefly glanced at the names already written, and he had seen Christines. It was the only one written in glitter gel pen. God that’s adorable. It takes Michael three tries to get Jeremy to notice him, so he’s already suspicious when Jeremy makes his way over and sits down next to him. He’s the third to arrive, Michael and Rich have History together.

‘’Dude, you’ve been totally spaced this week. Everything okay?’’ Michael asks, there’s concern in his voice and his eyes, and Jeremy feels so lucky. Michael is the best friend anyone could ask for, especially Jeremy. He knows Michael is asking about a lot of different things with that question alone.

‘’I’ve just been thinking about something, I’ll tell you when the others get here.’’ Michael raises an eyebrow, but drops it all the same. Best friend ever.

It doesn’t take long for the rest to show up, and Jeremy has to keep himself from laughing as Michael fidgets. Obviously anxious for Jeremy to share what he’s been keeping to himself for three days straight. That’s a long time for Jeremy to keep a lid on something in his book.

‘’So…’’ Jeremy starts, before the different conversations within the group really have a chance to begin. They all look at him, noticing that he wants their attention. They’re good friends, he finds himself thinking again.

‘’I’ve been thinking about joining the musical this year.’’ he says, feeling his confidence and his voice slowly draining away as they look at him. Maybe this was a bad idea after all.

‘’Really?’’ Chloe asks in that Voice, and he knows she doesn’t mean it like that but it’s a blow to his confidence all the same.

‘’Yeah I-I uh, I’ve kinda been uhm… c-c-crushing on Christine for a while.’’ he admits softly, staring at the table now instead of meeting anyones eyes. He misses the look that passes between them.

‘’And she uh, s-she always… participates? In productions?’’ he glances up, he can feel his face heat up and he’s pretty sure he matches the shade of Michaels hoodie at this point. Hiding his face in said hoodie sounds like a very good option right about now, but he soldiers on.

‘’I f-figured I could get to, like, know her? And maybe ask her out?’’ he glances over at Michael, and for a split second he doesn’t know what to feel, because Michaels face has an expression that he’s never seen before. It feels like someone has ripped the floorboards out from underneath him, and he’s falling and floating at the same time, in uncharted void, as he holds Michael stare for a second. Then Michael gives him a reassuring smile, and he’s dumped back into his body, moment over. He glances around at the rest of their friends, and they’re all wearing something similar. Encouraging. Friendly. Jeremy feels his shoulders sink from where they’d hunched up around his ears, tension easing away.

‘’Go for it dude!’’ Michael says, and it’s as if he has given the signal, because suddenly they’re all encouraging him. Not to be in the musical, but to go after Christine. It’s alright, he thinks, but he can’t help the slight stab of sadness in his gut. The encouragement is nice though, even if it’s for the most untrue part of this plan.

At the end of lunch Michael follows him to the notice board, watches as Jeremy pulls out a green sharpie and hovers the tip over the next blank line. Jeremy hesitates. Michael notices.

‘’Even if you don’t get a part, you can probably talk to her during auditions, or even bond over the experience. Either way it’ll be fine dude.’’ Michael places a hand on Jeremys shoulder, it’s warm trough the thin fabric of his cardigan, and he feels the warmth seep into his bones, calming him. He takes a deep fortifying breath, and writes his name, followed by the part he’s auditioning for. Michael reads over his shoulder. ‘’JD? Isn’t he like, the main character?’’ Jeremy stiffens a bit.

‘’U-uh yeah, I figured Christine would be Veronica, so why not?’’ he can’t look Michael in the eyes as he says it, looks at the wall instead. He feels something bad and rotten in his stomach. He really doesn’t like lying to his friends, but he consoles himself that it’ll all be over after this. He’ll come clean. It doesn’t really make him feel much better.

‘’Do you want me to come watch your audition, for y’know, moral support?’’ Michael offers, and it’s a sweet thought, really.

‘’No!’’ Jeremy answers way too quickly. He clears his throat, tries again.

‘’No, it’s fine, really. I think I’d be more nervous with you there actually.’’ he mutters, looking up at Michael quick enough to catch the slightly hurt expression. He backtracks like a pro.

‘’N-not that it’s a bad thing or anything, it’s just that I’d be way more worried about messing up in front of you since you’re my best friend and stuff.’’ he rushes trough the sentence in one breath, eyes darting to the wall and back to Michaels face again. Michael has a slight smile, and worried eyes. He slings one arm around Jeremys shoulders, and it’s one of the few instances Jeremy appreciates being a few inches shorter than Michael. It feels safe, reassuring.

‘’It’s cool, dude. I get it.’’ Michael says lightly, in a tone that means he really does get it. It makes Jeremy relax instantly, almost melting into Michaels warm side. He could stay there forever, probably. Tucked away from the world, surrounded by the smell of the basement that’s ingrained itself in every piece of clothing Michael owns. the bell rings, completely shattering the moment. Jeremy is going to kill that bell one day, he swears it.

‘’Time for class, let’s go to hell.’’ Michael says as he steers them towards their shared math class. The only bearable thing in math class is Michael, Jeremy thinks bitterly, but allows himself to be roped along.

They head back to Michaels after school, as is customary, but this time the rest of the gang tags along. Michael and Jeremy have been complaining about Apocalypse of the Damned for what feels like forever, and they wanna see what it’s all about. It’s not the first time they’ve had gaming sessions like this at Michaels. They’ve had some intense game-night-turned-game-weekend sessions. Michaels mother greet them all as they enter, his other mom is still at work.

‘’Want me to bring you kids some snacks?’’ she asks, and Michael bounds over to kiss her on the cheek.

‘’Yes please and thank you, Ina!’’ he chirps. There’s a chorus of ‘Thank you Mrs. Mell’ from the rest of the teens as they all make their way down the dark stairway.

‘’One day someone is gonna trip and die on these stairs.’’ Rich says, like he does every time he has to walk down the steps in the dark. Nobody really pays him any mind. When they’ve all made it down safely, the extra beanbag is pulled up next to the other two, and the small sofa is shoved up behind them. Michael and Jeremy take up their usual spaces. Jeremy on the far right, Michael in the middle, and then Rich plops down on the far left one. Jenna curls up in the right corner of the sofa, Brooke and Chloe cuddle up in the middle, and Jake lounges on the left side. The seating is gonna get scrambled as soon as they start switching seats to give the others a go, but it starts like this. Michael boots up them game, finds the level 9 save file, and Jeremy feels like he’s going insane as soon as the first few notes of music hits his ears. Without further ado they push past the first guy, bursting trough the double doors at the back. The first wave of zombies hit them, and they both duck for cover behind upturned tables.

‘’Cover!’’ Michael shouts as he spots the opening in the wave pattern, advancing as Jeremy shoots down the zombies that get too close. Michaels pixelated avatar crouches behind another table, a small box right next to it. He selects it and adds the grenades to his inventory. In the meantime Jeremys character has jumped behind the counter, and armed itself with a knife. As Jeremy makes his way back to where Michaels avatar is, with some helpful cover fire, they wait for the opening. Jeremy spots where the mass of approaching zombies is the thinnest first.

‘’Upper level!’’ he says, and Michael responds with a simple ‘’I see it.’’ Michael launches a grenade and the wave opens. ‘’Dash!’’ he yells, doing just that. Jeremy takes up the rear, making sure the wave doesn’t close in around them from the back, while Michael keeps it open in the front as they advance. The game progresses like this, the two of them only communicating in short words, but otherwise knowing exactly where they need to be. The others are at the edges of their seats. It’s not a terribly exciting game, but it’s an experience watching the two of them play it together.

‘’Shit!’’ Michael swears, as he accidentally makes his avatar go the way jeremys was supposed to go. They’ve played it a lot of times, and Jeremy is the one who’s most used to dealing with this part of the level. He notices, of course.

‘’Switch.’’ Jeremy says, and almost as quick as lightning the two of them switch controllers, leaving Michael free to go where he needs to, and Jeremy to take care of the area Michael had wandered into.

They almost make it. Michael lets out a dramatic ‘Jeremyyyyyy!’ as his avatar crumples to the ground in a pixelated heap. Jeremy croaks in his best death rattle,

‘’It’s up to you now Mikey, you’ve gotta go on.’’ and go on he does. He fights valiantly, and gets further than the two ever did before. He can see what he thinks might be the exit, and also the end of the level, but before he reaches it the final wave overpowers him.

‘’This one’s for Miah.’’ he says in his best action hero-y voice as he sets off the final grenade, taking down almost all of the zombies surrounding him, and his own avatar.  The other laugh and whoop and start a small fight over who gets to go next. Michael hands his controller to Rich, and gets up to switch places with Jake. Jeremy gives Jake his controller as he sits down. Michael curls up on the sofa and watches the blue light form a halo around Jeremys fluffy hair. He sighs, and Brooke catches his eye and lifts one perfectly shaped eyebrow. He shrugs her look off, goes back to watching Rich and Jake get overrun by zombies, and trying not to back seat game. When they’ve died five times in a row Chloe gets up and stands next to Jeremy until he gets then hint. Jeremy gets up and plops down in the open space next to Michael while Chloe demands that Jake hands over the controller, citing that he’s obviously the weaker link. Jeremy feels tired, he’s been stressing about a lot of things lately, so he does what feels natural. Which of course is lean on Michael to get comfortable and then promptly fall asleep. He vaguely feels Michael wrap an arm around him before he’s completely gone. It’s warm, safe, and smells a little bit like weed. Not that he minds. It’s come to the point where weed literally just reminds him of Michael.

‘’Nap time?’’ he hears Michaels voice, far away. It sounds lower than usual, as if he’s whispering. Jeremy faintly feels the breath of the words ghost across his cheek. He nods slowly, effectively smooshing his face further into Michaels hoodie, making the other laugh a little. A hand settles in his hair, and then he’s out like a light.

September 26th approaches with a vengeance, and Jeremy feels like he’s gonna explode from the nerves. Sure he’s excited, there are butterflies in what feels like every little nook and cranny of his body, even his fingertips are tingling with it. But oh god the crushing feeling of impending doom isn’t something he can easily ignore. His friends notice it all throughout the day, from his fidgeting in class to the way he keeps spacing out trying to get to his next one. When lunch rolls around Jeremy is the first one seated at their table, he looks like a statue, body and face frozen in a neutral pose. It’s worrying, to say the least.

‘’Heyyyy buddy!’’ Rich says as he plops down i the seat on Jeremys right.

‘’How’s it hanging?’’ Michael adds on as he settles in on the left. Jeremys hands are shaking where they rest on the table, but doesn’t acknowledge their arrival. Michael and Rich share a concerned look as the others settle in around them. Brooke leans over from her seat across from Jeremy to cover his hands with hers. His head snaps up to look at her, as if he just realized they were all there.

‘’You know you can back out, right? You can find another way to talk to Christine I’m sure.’’ she offers him, her tone is reassuring, aiming for comforting. Jenna joins in from Brookes right,

‘’Yeah Jerm, we could even talk to her for you. This is like, really stressing you out.’’

He appreciates the effort, but it’s all aimed at the wrong thing so he can’t really find solace in what they’re telling him. He takes a deep breath, trying to get his voice under control.

‘’I’m mostly just sc-cared of making a f-fool out of myself. What if I do a terrible job? What if I’m not a convincing JD? What if my voice cracks when I sing?’’ he’s shooting off rapid-fire what-ifs and Michael decides he needs to put a stop to this.

‘’Jerbear, look at me.’’ he cuts in. Jeremy snaps his mouth shut, whips his head around to look at Michael.

‘’You’ll do fine, you’ve been reading like crazy, and don’t think I haven’t caught on to the song you’ve been humming for the past week and a half. You’re gonna go in there, you’re gonna do your thing, and it’ll be great.’’ Michaels warm brown eyes are deep, and looking like they’re begging for Jeremy to calm down. So he does. His shoulders sag as the tension in his body releases, his hands uncurling. Brookes hands are still holding onto his, and they’re warm and nice. A lot warmer than his are, that’s for sure. Also a lot less clammy. Ew.

‘’Are you sure you don’t want us to come as moral support?’’ Rich asks for what feels like the 100th time. They’ve all offered, and Jeremy has declined each time, just as he’s doing now.

‘’Yeah, no. I really appreciate the gesture, but if I know you’re watching I’ll just get more nervous.’’

They can sense that he’d rather leave it alone for now, so that’s what they do. Lunch passes relatively quiet for the otherwise rowdy bunch.

‘’I’m just saying, he said he’d be nervous if he KNEW we were there, so if he doesn’t know it’ll be fine, right?’’ Jake argues. Rich is by his side, nodding enthusiastically.

‘’What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right?’’ Brooke adds on carefully.

‘’We’re still going behind his back, doing something he doesn’t want us to do!’’ Michael argues.

‘’As his friends we really should respect what he wants.’’ Jenna says, flanking Michael. The two stare down Jake and Rich as Brooke and Chloe keep to the sidelines, holding hands.

‘’If we keep arguing about this we’re gonna miss it!’’ Rich almost yells. They’ve been periodically peeking in trough the side door, to the annoyance of some of the people close by, trying to keep track of where Jeremy is in the lineup. As Jake peeks in once more he suddenly snaps to attention.

‘’It’s his turn!’’ he whisper-yells excitedly. He’d caught Jeremy introducing himself, he was gonna start singing soon! Michael steps in front of the door.

‘’I’m not letting you do this.’’ he says as he adopts a defensive stance. They all know it’ll create too much of a commotion if they were to try and get past Michael. Something in Richs eyes flash, and then he grabs Jakes arm and runs for the staircase. The others stare after them in confusion before Chloe realizes where they’re headed.

‘’The back entrance!’’ she yells, taking off after them and dragging Brooke behind her. Michael and Jenna are quick to follow. They catch sight of Rich and Jake right as they sneak in trough the door, and hurry to follow them as quietly as they can.

‘’Don’t open a veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeein!’’ Jeremy sings from the stage, and they freeze. Sure, they’ve all heard him sing before, but nothing like this. His voice is raw with emotion, lifting and falling, his eyebrows are drawn and he stares across the empty auditorium as if he isn’t really seeing it but is still looking for an answer somewhere out there. Michael feels like those eyes are staring into the very core of his soul. His voice grows softer.

‘’Just freeeeeze your braaaaaaiiiin. Freeeeze your braaiiiiiiin. Go on and freeeeze your braaaiiiin.’’

The music cuts out suddenly, and Jeremy is left standing there. Wholly himself again and flushed with nerves. He says thank you and leaves the stage.

It had all been over in a flash for Jeremy. He’d gone up there, stomach protesting and hands cold and clammy. Then the music started and he fell into the well practiced words with ease. Let the music carry him and tell him who and where to be. It’s over before he registers the tightness in his chest. As if the music had dragged his voice out of him before his nerves could protest. He’s not sure if he did good or bad, can barely remember how he’d moved while he’d been singing those words. It was almost like back home, just singing because he liked it, letting the music carry him away. He steps off the stage with legs that feel like they’re gonna give out from under him any second, and thus stumbles into Christine. He’d watched as she’d delivered the section from the opening number as Veronica, and of course she had been perfect. She reaches out and steadies him, the next one in the lineup steps past them to go on stage.

‘’Woah hey there, you okay?’’ she asks. He fights with the lump in his throat, trying to force words out instead of weird grunting noises.

‘’U-u-uh ye-yeah. Yeah. I’m fine. Fine. Totally fine. Peachy, even.’’ he tries for a smile, but it obviously doesn’t work from the look on her face.

‘’Why don’t we go sit over there?’’ She points to a few seats off to the side, and he nods dumbly. She leads him over, guides him to sit in the chair before taking the one next to him. She doesn’t let go of his arm.

‘’You were amazing.’’ she says finally, and he chokes on air.

‘’Th-thank you. You too. Amazing. I’m pretty sure you’re gonna get the part.’’ he says once he can breathe somewhat normal again. She blushes and smiles. Geez that smile is brighter than the stage lights. It looks good on her.

‘’Thanks, I’m pretty sure you’ll get JD too actually.’’ and yup he’s out again.

‘’I don’t know about that. This is literally the first time I’ve auditioned for anything. I barely remember even going up there.’’ he says in a soft voice. She stares at him, almost as if in disbelief.

‘’That was your first? Oh my gosh! That’s so cool!’’ She says brightly, volume rising, and that smile is back and he’s pretty sure he’s gonna be blind by the time he’s introduced himself properly. Oh right, introductions.

‘’I’m Jeremy.’’ he says without any preamble, because that’s what his brain has decided on apparently.

‘’I’m Christine! Nice to meet you!’’ she answers anyway, volume increasing once again, because apparently she’s very used to dealing with weirdos. It wouldn’t surprise him really.

‘’My friends and I are gonna go get milkshakes after this, as a celebration I guess, wanna come with?’’ and hoo boy okay brain please slow down and check in once in a while before making him say things like that holy hell. This was not what he was planning but apparently he’s lost his god damned mind. Christine just smiles, her eyes crinkling and teeth pearly white.

‘’I’d love to!’’ she says, and this time someone does shush her.

The gang watches Christine grab Jeremys arm and lead him over to the chairs by the wall.

‘’Oh my god is he panicking? I can’t tell from here!’’ Brooke whisper-yells at the others. They all watch as the two of them talk, Christines smile never leaving, Jeremys face a bright red. And then the auditions are over and they’re getting up to leave.

‘’Shit we gotta go back!’’ Jake exclaims, clambering for the door. They’d promised Jeremy they’d wait outside the auditorium for him. The six of them rush out the back door and fly down the staircase, having just enough time to catch their breaths before Jeremy spots them trough the throng of students, he waves at them and as he comes closer they see Christine trailing behind him.

Holy.

Shit.

‘’H-hey guys.’’ he says as he gets within hearing range.

‘’I asked if Christine wanted to come with, is that c-cool?’’ his face is still very red. It takes a second for the question to register, and then they’re all clambering to reassure them both that yeah that’s totally fine and cool, the more the merrier. They all start heading towards the parking lot, Christine and Jeremy end up at the back of the group, and the others leave them be. Except they’re all totally listening in of course.

‘’I really loved you performance in Romeo and Juliet by the way. The way you handled the death scene was so good. I cried.’’ Jeremy says, and the others want to smack him upside the head. Yes he’d cried, but you don’t say that to someone. Except Christine doesn’t look too bothered about it, she looks…happy?

‘’Really? That’s such a huge compliment! Romeo and Juliet always moves me to tears when done right, to know that I managed to do the same is a great feeling!’’ her enthusiasm is never ending it seems, as she keeps up the conversation for the most part, Jeremy nodding and smiling, interjecting comments here and there. When they reach the parking lot they automatically split up, Rich and Jake heading to Jakes car, Brooke leading Chloe and Jenna to hers, which leaves Christine to follow Jeremy to Michaels car.

‘’It’s cool if she rides with us, right?’’ Jeremy asks Michael, and it’s probably the most at ease he’s sounded since he exited the auditorium. Michael doesn’t know how to feel about the fact that it’s probably because Jeremy is talking to him.

‘’Of course dude!’’ he turns to Christine to shoot her a grin, but she’s already beaten him to it. She opens the door to the backseat and sits in the middle, so she can lean forwards and be a part of any conversation going on in the front. Michael takes his seat behind the wheel and Jeremy claims shot gun as per usual. Michael briefly wonders if he should banish Jeremy to the backseat, so that he can sit next to Christine, but the thought doesn’t sit right with him so he leaves it be.

‘’How’d your auditions go?’’ Michael asks nonchalantly. Glancing at Christine in the rearview mirror, and then sideways at Jeremy.

‘’I-I don’t know dude, I don’t remember much between getting up there and practically stumbling off stage afterwards. It could have been worse?’’ Jeremy says in an unsure voice, switching between looking at the road ahead and looking at Michael. He’s about to respond when Christine cuts him off,

‘’Are you kidding me? You were the best JD candidate by far! You hit every note perfectly, and the level of emotion! Wow! You said this was your first audition? You handled it like a pro! Even though you seemed a bit nervous, but most people are during auditions anyway.’’ Christine rambles. Michael watches Jeremys face, which had recently reverted to a somewhat normal hue, flare back into brilliant red. His hands creep up and up until he’s covering his eyes, and then he wraps his arms around his head as if he’s trying to hide.

‘’I think you broke him.’’ Michael says with a laugh catching Christines eye in the mirror, she looks worried.

‘’It’s fine, if he was as good as you say, he deserves all the praise.’’ Michael amends, lifting one hand off of the steering wheel to ruffle Jeremys hair. Christine is beaming again, and Jeremy lowers his arms a bit before speaking up,

‘’You were amazing too, you know. You’d make the best Veronica for sure.’’ he doesn’t say much more, too embarrassed to go on, but Christine soaks up the praise nonetheless.

September makes way for October. Halloween is quickly approaching, and Jeremy has officially known Christine for about a month. She’s started sitting at their table, always next to Jeremy, always on his right side. Michael sits in his seat to Jeremeys left, and he doesn’t know how Christine knew that was the usual deal, but he’s glad he can keep sitting there without any uncomfortable confrontations. It’s a small piece of normal in what’s been an unusual month so far. Jeremy spends a lot of his free time practicing with Christine. This means he spends less time with his other friends. Oh sure the two of them join the group for stuff, but they always sort of keep to themselves a little. It’s like they’re seeing a new side of Jeremy. It’s sort of cute, seeing him blush and stumble over his words, like he did with all of them before he settled into his space within the group, until he got comfortable with them and started trusting them. But it’s also a bit…disconcerting in a way. They haven’t seen Jeremy this enthused over almost anything, except maybe video game night with Michael. It also doesn’t help that he’s become somewhat stagnant in his pursuit of Christine.

They see how she looks at him, she hangs onto every word and encourages him to open up, she latches onto his right arm (always the right arm) every time they hang out. It’s so obvious that she like him! Like, look at them right now;

‘’A-and then I-I started doing her lines instead of mine!’’ Jeremy admits to the table during his re-telling of last night rehearsal fiasco. His face is red, but he’s smiling, and there’s laughter in his voice. He’s so comfortable admitting to ding something wrong, it’s strange, because the Jeremy they know is so scared of failure.Always second guessing himself and worrying about what other people think. He worries a bit less that they’ll thing anything bad about him, but he had admitted once that even then he sometimes worries just because he can’t help it. Even though he logically knows that he doesn’t have to. So to see him like this, at ease with telling them about something embarrassing he did, Christine clothing his arm and laughing along with the story, interjecting a few comments from her perspective of the whole ordeal. It paints a strange, yet pleasant picture.

They’re good for each other, that much is plain for all to see. Christine used to hop lunch tables, not uncommon for someone with so many different interests, but it seems like it’s doing her some good with stable friendships. She’s been talking to the other girls a lot outside of school for instance. Connecting and sharing gossip, sharing tips and tricks for their daily lives. They’ve also found that while she isn’t that into video games she still likes watching them play, and she’s a blast to bring to the arcade. Watching her decimate previous high scores on the Dance Dance Revolution and karaoke machines is sight to behold. She looks so alive and happy with the neon lights illuminating her face, the cheers of support from the sidelines egging her on further than ever before. The Undefeated Queen of DDR is legendary.

Chatroom: F I G H T

AmericanDragon: hey hey hEYYYYY

AmericanDragon: HALLOWEEN PARTY CONFIRMED™

AmericanDragon: ur all comin no excuses

RichBich: hells yeah dude!

Player1: f yea

DDRqueen: I love halloween parties!!

MythicBinch: sure

GossipGirl: I’ll be there!

BeanieBabe: yay!!!! i’m gonna get my costume ready!!!!

Player2: nice!

AmericanDragon added RichBich, GossipGirl, BeanieBabe, MythicBinch and Player1 to the chat

AmericanDragon named chat ‘now kiss’

AmericanDragon: lets get our boy some ACTION

Player1: wtf jake

GossipGirl: What’s the plan?

AmericanDragon: good attitude

AmericanDragon: we’re gonna get jerms n chrissy together if its the last thing we do on halloween

BeanieBabe: but how???

MythicBinch: easy. truth or dare

Player1: remind me to never cross u

MythicBinch: do u even need a reminder?

Player1: good point

Player1: okay so we get drunk, we play truth or dare, then what? and isn’t this a bit juvenile?

AmericanDragon: nah this is perf!

RichBich: omfg yea totes, we dare him to tell her

Player1: that’s never gonna work dude, he’d just get mad at us

GossipGirl: We dare Chrissy to kiss Jerms, and then proceed from there?

RichBich: better plan okay fine i bow down in the dust for the power of Rolan

GosspiGirl: Finally, the respect I deserve

Player1: that might just work actually, let’s go

The party is in full swing that weekend. It’s mainly the gang and a few friends from their classes, but everyone is singing and drinking and dancing and having a good time. Jake is pretty sure he just saw Brooke dressed as the dog filter on snapchat, that’s fucking awesome. He wanders towards the kitchen and finds Christine talking to Jenna. She’s wearing a floor-length gown in deep purple, and she looks regal. Jenna is wearing a t-shirt that someone has written ‘COSTUME’ on in sharpie. It makes him chuckle. Christine catches his eye and she smiles, so he walks closer.

‘’So I said What the hell Michael Mell, and I didn’t even notice I was doing the rhyming thing too!’’ Jenna says and Christine bursts out laughing.

‘’Is that where it’s from? Jeremy says it all the time!’’ Christine says once she can breathe again. Jenna raises an eyebrow.

‘’He hasn’t told you? Doesn’t he talk about Michael?’’ Jenna asks, and Jake wants to shake her just a little bit. Jenna shoots him a glance as if she knows what he’s thinking, and telling him to let her do her thing. He swallows nervously.

‘’Oh all the time! It’s nice, they’ve been friends for so long so he has a lot of good stories.’’ Christine smiles, not a trace of jealousy in her expression. Jenna wants to frown. Christine is just too sweet for such a tactic.

‘’Speaking of Jeremy, you heard anything from him or Michael? They’re running late.’’ Jenna transitions smoothly. Christine looks expectantly at Jake.

‘’Nothing, I’ll text Jeremy. Michaels probably driving.’’ Jake says as he finds his phone.

To Jeremy:

yo dude where u guys at?

The phone in Jeremys pocket buzzes with the incoming text, but he doesn’t notice. He’s sitting in Michaels car, looking at Jakes front door, and not moving. He’s been like that for the past 5 minutes. Trying to convince himself that going in there won’t be the most horrible kind of torture he could put himself trough. It’s not working. He knows he’ll have a good time if he just goes. He always has a good time at Jakes parties, he always always has a good time with his friends, and lately also with Christine. And she’s in there too. The thought makes the weight in his stomach turn over nauseatingly. The thought of people looking at him is really no appealing though. He vaguely finds himself wishing he could just crawl into a deep dark abyss and never come back. Just disappear into nothingness so he doesn’t have to deal with everything.

‘’You ready?’’ Michael asks him. He’d said he needed a minute to prepare. And it’s true, sometimes he just needs to psyche himself up before social events like these. And then he goes out there and he’s fine and he has his friends if he’s not fine and it’s good. It’s all good.

It’s not working. Jeremy glances over and looks at Michaels expectant face. He doesn’t look too happy about this party either, but he hides it better than Jeremy, that’s for sure.

‘’I-I-I-I ca-a-an’t M-Mikey.’’ Jeremy stutters out. His hands are so cold. His skin feels like it’s too big and too tight, as if it’s been stretched over shapes it’s not supposed to cover. God he’s so uncomfortable. He closes his eyes, curls up in the passenger seat. Michael looks him over, then sighs.

‘’Wanna go home?’’ he asks, voice soft and understanding. He knows the feeling all too well himself. Jeremy peeks out at him, and the sight makes Michael a little sad. There’s so much tension in his posture, so much worry in his eyes. Michael has the urge to gather him up and tuck him away from the uncaring and unforgiving world Jeremy has built around himself.

‘’I’m sorry. You can drop me off and then come back.’’ he says in a tiny voice. Michaels heart breaks a little more.

‘’Nah dude, I’d rather hang with you.’’ Michael smiles, and starts the car before Jeremy can protest.

Chatroom: F I G H T

Player1: i’m taking miah home

RichBich: shot hopes he feels better soon!

RichBich: *shit

GosspiGirl: Send him our love!

BeanieBabe: <3 <3 <3 !!!

MythicBinch: <3

AmericanDragon: damn, keep him safe

Christine looks up from her phone as the messages stop appearing one after another. She looks over to Jenna quizzically, and when she catches her eye Jenna sighs.

‘’You’ve noticed that Jeremy gets nervous a lot, right?’’ she opens with, and Christine can only nod. Of course she knew, it wasn’t really something you could easily miss about the boy.

‘’Well he has like, social anxiety? It gets to him sometimes. Michael has it too, so he understands the best, and they usually take care of each other when it gets rough.’’ Jenna explains. Short and to the point. Christine is quick to unlock her phone again, pulling up the group chat.

DDRqueen: <3!!

The chat is a weird place for her sometimes. There are a lot of references she doesn’t get. Like why the chat is named ‘F I G H T’. Jeremy had mentioned it was left over from an argument they’d had about pastries ages ago, and then it had just stuck. But she enjoyed it nonetheless.

Then there are times like these when someone will say something and everyone has the same response and she’s left sitting in the dust until someone explains it to her. She’d admitted at one point that she felt a bit stupid when that happened, but they’d all quickly reassured her that it was fine. It was a lot of fun trying to explain the different things to her, and they wanted her to be able to join in of course, she was part of the group now! Sometimes she still felt like Jeremys tag along though. Like right now, she felt a little lost, adrift in a sea of people she doesn’t know all that well, with no Jeremy to tie her down. Oh well, she muses. No better time to get to know them better, right? She jumps back into animated conversation with Jenna and Jake.

When Jeremy gets home he collapses face first into his bed before clutching his pillow to his chest and curling up on his side, facing outwards. Michael puts the ‘Sad Chill’ playlist on from Jeremys laptop. The soft notes slowly fill the room, and Michael sits down with his back against the bed. While the circumstances aren’t ideal, it feels nice, being just the two of them again. Jeremys arm creeps out over the edge of the bed and dangles next to Michaels shoulder. He reaches up and grabs it, running his fingers over the knuckles and noting the way it’s slowly warming up. Jeremy sighs deeply, trying to melt into the welcoming softness of his bedsheets. Maybe if he could just disappear into the comforting softness it would all be better. The warm hand holding his isn’t too bad either.

‘’Wanna talk?’’ Michaels voice cuts into the music, but Jeremy doesn’t really mind. He likes Michaels voice.

‘’I’m sorry for stopping you from going to the part.’’ Jeremy says instead of a real answer. Michael squeezes his hand.

‘’Don’t apologize dude, it’s cool. You’d do the same for me.’’ Jeremy smiles slightly and tucks his face into the pillow.

‘’Yeah, I would.’’ is the muffled answer, but Michael still hears it, and it makes him smile. It’s the quickest way to get Jeremy to stop beating himself up over something like this. They both know Jermey would drop just about anything to come to Michaels aid, and vice versa. It’s a good feeling to be able to trust someone like that. Of course there are always things you just can’t drop, instances where just being there isn’t an option, but the good thing about friends is that they understand that too.

‘’You’re my favorite person, Mikey.’’ Jeremy says, and he sounds so very tired, and it’s adorable. It’s not the first time a half-asleep Jeremy has said something like that to him, but it doesn’t stop the way his stomach flutters, the way his fave heats up and a smile involuntarily stretches across his lips.

‘’You’re mine too, Miah. Now take a nap’’ he answers. The hand in his goes slack not soon after, breaths evening out. He doesn’t let go.

Chatroom: now kiss

RichBich: well thats that plan out the window

RichBich: any other suggestions?

Player1: i’m sorta happy we didn’t go trough with the plan, looking back it’s a terrible plan

GosspiGirl: How dare you

Player1: no i’m serious! it would be a hell of an uncommon sitch

Player1: we’ll just figure out something else

AmericanDragon: i’ve got an idea!

BeanieBabe:??

MythicBinch: jake?

RichBich: Where’d he go?

GosspiGirl: I see him, he’s talking to Chrissy

AmericanDragon: what??

Player1: well what he sayin?

GosspiGirl: idk hang on

Jake had made his way over to Christine with purpose in his step. She’d been hanging by the wall, taking a break from trying to interact with people, and didn’t notice Jake until he’d leaned up against the wall next to her. She turned her head and smiled at him, but before she could say anything he started speaking.

‘’Look, I need to tell you something.’’ he said it with the most serious tone she’d ever heard him use, and that put her on edge immediately.

‘’Jeremy joined the musical so he could ask you out, but we think he’s starting to doubt himself again, so as his friends we’re stepping in. We see the way you are together, and you’re good for each other. I mean, you like him, don’t you?’’ Jake looks at hr like he already knows the answer, as if she herself has admitted to him she’s completely gone for Jeremy Heere. She doesn’t answer him, only stares in stunned silence, feeling a stab of something run trough her stomach.

‘’Next week, Pinkberry? You guys could get lunch and just, i dunno, talk about stuff?’’ he looks like he’s not 100% sure where he’s going with this, which leaves Christine even more lost. Had Jake just asked her out, on behalf of Jeremy. All the new information turns over in her head slowly, before she nods at him, Her eyes tighten just a bit, her smile is forced for once. But he doesn’t know her well enough to spot it. If Jeremy was here he’d recognize the smile, the facial expression, but he’s not, so Jake is left to give her a relieved smile before he nods and heads off. HE’s immediately intercepted by Jenna.

‘’I can’t believe you just did that!’’ she almost shouts at him.

‘’Hey! It worked, didn’t it?’’ he says defensively.

‘’Wait, it did?’’ Jenna asks, her face morphing from rage to confusion in the blink of an eye.

‘’Totally!’’ Jake answers cheerfully, smiling from ear to ear.

‘’What worked, exactly?’’ Jenna asks, reproachful.

Chatroom: now kiss

GosspiGirl: JAKE WTF

MythicBinch: o shit rolan pulled out the caps, how much did he fuck up?

AmericanDragon: HEY

AmericanDragon: i thought i did good!

AmericanDragon: i got her to agree to go on a date with jerms next week!

BeanieBabe: !!!!!!!!!!!

MythicBinch: o dhit

Player1: YOU DID WHAT

MythicBinch: *shit

‘’I don’t care if it’s awkward for you to tell him! You did this! This situation is aallll cause a you, my dude. You get to figure it out yourself.’’ Michael whispers furiously at Jake during their first class together that Monday. Jake looks like he’d rather sink trough the floor than talk to Jeremy. He’s such a pathetic sight Michael almost takes pity on him. Almost. He waits for the teacher to turn back to the board.

‘’Look, Christine has one less class than us on Mondays, just tell her to wait for Jeremy at Pinkberrys and then we send him over there at the end of the day.’’ he sighs, and when he glances over at Jake. The dude’s gone fucking starry eyed on him. Great. He reaches across the small space between their desks and shoves at Jakes face, who only laughs. The teacher sends them a stern glance and Michael quickly retracts his hand, smiling sheepishly, before glaring at Jake. Jake does not look sorry in the slightest. He looks like Michael just saved his entire day. Michael just sighs.

Jeremy shares his first class with Brooke and Christine, and usually they sit two next to each other, and then one in front or behind one of them. It’s easier to talk to each other like that, creating a small triangle instead of a line. Christine is the last of the trio to arrive that day, and she sits down next to Brooke, effectively putting Brooke between her and Jeremy. His stomach immediately drops. He must have done something wrong, or something to offend her. He thinks frantically trough everything he’s said to her over the weekend to see if he can find something that might make her mad at him, and while nothing jumps out at him at first, enough overthinking can make anything into the reason she’s not speaking to him. And it does. Suddenly he can’t help but feel that she’s only tolerated him this past month. Surely she’s just been putting up with him. She’s probably closer to the other girls in the group now, but he’s in the friend group so she can’t just stop talking to him. Hell maybe she regretted ever taking him up on the milkshake offer. She probably does. She’s probably really fed up with him by now. All his stammering and the way he awkwardly hugs her and how his face is probably red about 60% of the time they talk and his cold clammy hands and-

The bell rings. Jeremy can’t remember having heard anything the teacher’s said all class. He’s been staring at the blank page of his notebook. When he glances up it’s just in time to see Christine walk out. She hadn’t said a word to him. Brooke looks like she’s unaware of the inner turmoil Jeremy is facing, which is fine. He’d rather not tell her anyway. He doesn’t really wanna start anything within the group anyway. They’d probably go for Christine over him. Who wouldn’t? She’s so happy and perfect and she doesn’t blow off plans last minute because her stupid brain decides that it’s time to freak out. He smiles at Brooke, who smiles back, before heading to his next class.

It doesn’t get any less awkward at lunch. Oh sure Christine is sitting next to him this time, but he’s acutely aware of how she avoids touching him. Even with her flailing gesturing as she speaks, she never once brushes against him like usual. Doesn’t nudge him in a friendly way. Doesn’t hold his arm like she sometimes does. Like he’s come to find comforting over the time he’s gotten to know her. He feels adrift, like he’s looking at her from the outside. Looking at the conversation going on around him from the outside. Michael is a solid weight against his arm, a solid being in a world that’s suddenly full of smoke and mirrors. It anchors him, but he can’t look at Michael. If he looks at Michael he’ll know something’s up, and if he knows then he’ll ask, and if he asks Jeremy will answer. Because that’s how they work. But if he tells Michael that Christine doesn’t actually want to hang around him anymore he’ll create a divide in the friend group. Michael will go with him because he’s a stupidly marvelously good best friend. But the others will surely go with Christine. He’s pretty sure he’d chose Christine over himself too. This ends up cutting Michael off from all of his other friends, friends he connected with without any help from Jeremy. He feels nauseous. The food in front of him doesn’t look appealing anymore.

He’s so caught up in his own head that he doesn’t notice Christine excusing herself, and leaving lunch early. She doesn’t say bye to him, so he can only watch her go, his mind a million miles away.

‘’Is she mad at me?’’

Which is probably why he only realizes he’s said something when the others have stopped talking and are now staring at him. He faces them, eyes wide and face beginning to redden.

‘’What?’’ Jake asks.

‘’S-she’s, Christine, has been…uh, a-avoiding me? All morning? I think.’’ he stammers out, voice small and unsure. This is exactly what he wanted to avoid. He glances over at Michael and yup, that’s worry. That is Michaels worried face. Great. Fucking fantastic. If only the void would take him now. He misses the looks the group exchanges, and misses the glares sent Jakes way, misses Chloe as she mouthes ‘Fix. It’ at Jake. What he doesn’t miss is Rich getting up and sitting down in the vacant seat Christine left. He puts an arm around Jeremy, and while it doesn’t calm him down it does make him feel a bit better. Rich is a good person.

‘’Maybe she just needs some time to figure things out. It’s very easy to withdraw from someone once you realize something in your relationship has changed, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing! She’ll talk about it when she’s ready. I mean it’s Christine, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have a bad bone in her body!’’ Brooke says, breaking the silence. Jeremy looks at her, feels the prickling behind his eyes and his face heating up even more. He keeps the tears back, but can’t stop his eyes from watering a little. He gives Brooke a shaky smile.

‘’Thanks Brookie.’’ she only smiles, big and happy and endlessly confident that this will all blow over soon, and they’ll be back to normal and happier for it. Jeremy wishes he could believe in that smile fully, but he’ll take the temporary comfort.

To Chrissy:

u willing to meet w Jerms at Pibkberry today

To Jake:

yeah okay, i’ll be waiting

To Chrissy:

r u mad?

To Jake:

I don’t know

Jake stares, dread pooling in the pit of his stomach. He feels like he’s sending Jeremy into the lions den when he approaches him at the end of the day.

‘’Jeremy!’’ he calls. Jeremy turns around and gives him a lopsided smile. Jake can’t help but think he looks small right then and there, even though he’s the second tallest person in their group. Well technically third, Jake and Michael are about the same height, but Jeremy isn’t that far behind. Jeremy stops to let Jake catch up to him.

‘’What’s up Jake?’’ Jeremys shoulders are lowered, his posture easy. He’s so clearly comfortable just talking to Jake right now and Jake hates that he knows exactly what’s gonna happen when he says the lines he’s been rehearsing in his head for the past hour or so.

‘’Chrissy said she’d meet you at Pinkberry after school today. I think she wants to talk?’’ as he expected Jeremys shoulders twitch, wanting to hunch up. His face becomes drawn, the smile a bit strained. Jake can see the worry seeping into his eyes.

‘’Okay. Great. Cool. I’ll see you later.’’ he says, and leaves. Jake watches him go, feeling helplessly lost in the sea of students around him.

Chatroom: now kiss

Player1: jerms just texted me saying he’s heading to pinkberry and that i should just go home

AmericanDragon: i have made a Mistake

RichBich: jake wtf

AmericanDragon: chrissy is acting so strange and i asked if she was mad n she just said idk????

AmericanDragon: n now jerms is headed to talk to her and im freakin out haha

GossipGirl: That’s it we’re going to Pinkberrys. Jerms is walking there so if we drive we can sneak in and sit, find Chrissy, find a good spot close where we can eavesdrop, and then possibly also step in if shit hits the fan. We owe Jerms that much.

BeanieBabe: yes!!! good plan!!!

MythicBinch: they might see us

GossipGirl: Leave that to me!

They take the other way around the school to drive to the mall, just in case Jeremy spots their cars. Or well, in case he spots Michaels car. It’s a very recognizable car what with all the bumper stickers and the fuzzy pacman hanging from his rearview mirror. It had been a gift from Jeremy, just a placeholder until Jeremy had been old enough to get his tattoo, so that they could finally match. The drive feels longer than it is, and Michael is sure it has something to do with the quiet in his car, he doesn’t really feel like putting on any music. They park their cars and meet up at the entrance. Everyone looks to Jenna.

‘’Michael you gotta take off your hoodie, it’s way too recognizable. Jake you take off your football jacket and give it to Rich.’’ they do as instructed as Jenna hands Chloe a beanie and a pair of sunglasses to Brooke. Jenna puts a baseball cap on and tucks her hair in.

‘’Clothes you wear regularly and hair are some of the most recognizable traits, this way if they glance in our direction it’ll be easier to go unrecognized.’’ she explains.

‘’You should work for the CIA or something in the future’’ Michael says. Jenna winks at him.

‘’Who says I’m not already’’ she smirks before leading the party into the mall.

There are two entrances to the pinkberry, since it’s sort of in the middle strip of stores, meaning you can walk straight trough it to the other side. They aim for the entrance that’s technically in the back, and get lucky. Christine is sitting in a booth with her back to them, meaning they can sneak into the next booth over and settle in without being noticed. Now all that’s left is for Jeremy to arrive and hopefully not spot them.

Jeremy makes his way to the mall slowly. It’s not that far away from the school to be honest, but he doesn’t wanna be drenched in sweat when he arrives. Also he might be a little scared. Who is he kidding he’s very scared, very worried, and he’s already sweating a lot. What a good Monday this is shaping up to be. Despite his slow pace he makes it to the mall relatively quickly. He makes his way to Pinkberry in a daze, and once he gets there his eyes zeroes in on Christine immediately. She’s looking at her phone. As he approaches he feels like he’s approaching his own death sentence. He stops in front of the booth and tries to swallow the lump in his throat.

‘’H-hey.’’ he says lamely, and Christine finally looks up. She doesn’t smile and Jeremy feels like he might already be dead. She nods to the seat across from her and he slides in. He doesn’t say anything, waits for her to start. On the other side of the divider behind Christine everyone holds their breath.

‘’Jake told me the truth.’’ Christine starts, and it throws Jeremy for a loop. He ends up staring at her and very intelligently stammer out,

‘’W-what?’’ in a meek voice. Christine huffs, her face pinching and he’s never seen her like this. Angry. And hurt. He doesn’t know what he did but he knows he’ll do anything in his power to undo it, just to get her to stop looking like that.

‘’You never wanted to be in the musical.’’ she accuses him, and it’s like a knife to the gut. Oh. She knows. She knows the truth that’s actually a lie and thinks the actual truth is an actual lie. Fuck.

‘’Chris-‘’ he tries to start, but she cuts him off,

‘’No. I can’t believe I actually believed you. And you were so nice and I thought I found someone who loved theatre as much as I did, was that all fake too?’’ she glares at him, and he feels so very small. He feels like he’s being pulled under, like he can’t breathe, and he wants to cry but he can’t cry now, how pathetic would that be?

‘’This isn’t the first time this has happened, and I’m so sick of it. I thought you were different.’’

Every word is like a blow, his chest keeps tightening and he feels guilty for something that isn’t even true, but he is a liar and a terrible person even though it’s not in the way she thinks.

‘’I thought you were better.’’ she says finally, and she sounds tired. She sounds tired and broken and Jeremy recognizes himself in that tone of voice. That might be what finally snaps him out of the downward spiral into the cold murky waters of despair, because when she gets up to leave his hand shoots out to stop her, catching her wrist. He can’t meet her eyes for a second, can’t find his voice, and the air between them is tense as he tries to get his scrambled brain to form a coherent sentence. She doesn’t pull her arm away.

Rich had been seconds away from getting out of his seat to stop Christine, but Jeremy actually beats him to it. The tension between the two seep into the air between the other six, and it feels like the tiniest movement could shatter the world. Jeremy breaks the silence after a small eternity, his hand clammy around Christines wrist. He looks up at her finally,

‘’Will you let me explain?’’ he asks, surprising himself. In the small eternity between grabbing onto her and opening his mouth he’s decided to tel her everything. Tell her the truth, the real truth. She’d understand, wouldn’t she? Or maybe she’d hate him, and then go tell his friends and then they’d hate him too and then the seven of them would leave him behind and they’d all be better off without hi-

His chain of thought is broken by Christine sitting back down and crossing her arms. He stares at her for moment before snatching his hand back and staring into the tabletop.

‘’Alright. Explain.’’ Christine says neutrally. He can tell she’s a bit annoyed, but she stayed. That has to mean something. He takes a deep breath and prepares to put words to thoughts he’s never let leave his head.

‘’It’s true that I lied, but I didn’t lie to you.’’ he glances at her, she uncrosses her arms, eyebrows raising, he looks back down.

‘’I lied to everyone else.’’ he admits. It’s freeing and terrible at the same time, like releasing a burden only to replace it with a heavier one.

‘’I told them I had a crush on you as an excuse to join the musical, because I didn’t want to tell them that I like theatre.’’ he almost whispers, but it’s still loud enough for the others to hear. Their faces all share the same shocked expression, and they feel… lost for words. Not that they’d say anything but, it’s like everything grinds to a halt all at once.

‘’That doesn’t make any sense.’’ Christine says, but there’s no accusation in her tone, only confusion. Uncertainty.

‘’I know!’’ Jeremy almost shouts, such a contrast to his last statement. He pushes his hair away from his face and oh yup that’s definitely tears sliding down his face. He avoids meeting her eyes as he raises his head, scrubbing an arm across his face. Trying ton hold back the tears.

‘’I know it doesn’t make sense. It was never supposed to be a secret but I just never told them and then I kept not telling them and then suddenly it was this huge secret. And it felt like I’d lied to them for so long and I don’t even know why and for some reason I thought they’d be mad at me? And it sounds so stupid when I’m saying it out loud because they’re good people, they’re the b-best people, and I thought something so bad about them but I just-‘’ he cuts himself off, taking a deep and shaky breath. No more tears leak out, and he’s grateful for that small mercy. He can’t bring himself to look at Christine yet.

‘’When I heard which musical we were putting on I decided I had to try to be in it, it’s my favorite musical of all time and I’ve always wanted to see if I was good enough to play JD. So I needed a good enough excuse to sign up for auditions, and then there you were.’’ now he does look at her. Her eyes are open, staring at him, her arms resting on the table. He smiles at her, shaky, and there must be something in his expression because she breathes in shakily.

‘’I’ve admired you since freshman year, when I saw you in Romeo and Juliet. Because after that I kept noticing you, and you were so…so unapologetically enthusiastic about what you loved, and at first I was so jealous of you, and then I started wishing we could be friends. But I’m terrible at making friends!’’ he laughs brokenly at that.

‘’I’m only in the friend group I’m in because of Michael, and on some level I’m always terrified they’ll realize I’m not worth hanging around.’’ at the other table Brooke looks like she’s about to cry, and the others can’t help but internally agree.

‘’It’s all in my head too, I know they’re not that mean, but I can’t help it sometimes. But yeah…I figured I could tell them I liked you, try out for the play, connect with you and maybe even be acquaintances? So honestly the fact that you’re in the group now is better than I’d ever imagined.’’ his face is red, both from the almost crying and the embarrassment, but he’s smiling slightly. Christine is speechless, hanging onto every word.

‘’I figured I’d tell them it didn’t work out with you, and leave it at that. But then I actually got the part and I somehow convinced myself that if I did a good enough job, if they saw me be an amazing JD, I could tell them that this is what I wanna do with my life.’’ he admits. And then he finally looks at her, he can’t really read her expression.

‘’I’m sorry I got you caught up in my lies, I didn’t mean to hurt you and I know I did anyway, and I hope you can forgive me for being a hurtful idiot.’’ he finishes. He feels wrung out, both emotionally and physically. There’s an ache in his chest, like a festering wound. It’s soon forgotten when he see the small sympathetic smile blossoming on her face. Her eyes shine as she says,

‘’Of course I forgive you.’’

The smile that stretches across his face is probably the biggest one that’s graced his face the entire day.

‘’I do have a demand though. You have to tell them after opening night. And I mean everything. They’re you’re friends, they care about you, they’d never hate you for something you love.’’ she says.

‘’Yeah, you’re right. I mean I already feel better having told you. And deep down I know they won’t be mad but it’s just…difficult to start a conversation like that sometimes.’’

‘’I can be there as moral support, if you want?’’

‘’Would you?’’ he looks so hopeful it almost breaks her heart.

‘’Of course!’’ she reaches out and grabs both his hands, beaming at him.

‘’Why Heathers though?’’ she asks him once they sit back down. After all that emotion they decided to actually get some frozen yoghurt. Jeremy has mint chocolate chip, and Christine has strawberry with mini marshmallows. The others are still there, Brooke having snuck off to grab her own frozen yogurt (peach flavor), and brings back blueberry for Jenna, vanilla for Chloe, and mint chocolate chip fro Michael. They all make faces as he digs in.

‘’I guess I’ve always seen some similarities between me and JD, not in a I’m-gonna-snap-and-blow-the-school-up way, but in the way he closes himself off from the world, how he’s hurting. Oh, and the songs are amazing, of course. Freeze your brain is my favorite cus we see the vulnerable side of JD. And it’s about slushies, so it reminds me of Michael. Even though it’s a sad song it cheers me up because of that.’’

At the other table all eyes shoot to Michael, who’s blushing.

‘’Speaking of Michael…’’Christen opens, and congratulates herself on the smooth change of topic.

‘’The others, I kinda get why you didn’t talk to them, but why not Michael? He’s your best friend, right?’’ Christine asks, fishing around for the last mini marshmallows in her cup. Jeremy blushes again.

‘’Oh well…I think it’s because he is my best friend. It feels even worse keeping secrets from him than the others.’’ Christine immediately latches onto the plural s.

‘’Secrets? As in, more than one?’’ she asks, leaning across the table just a little. The others pick it up too, and sharpen their ears. Apparently today is a day for learning your long time friends deepest darkest secrets. Jeremy is quickly going even redder.

‘’Okay! Okay! Yes, more secrets. There’s only two though, and you already know the first one.’’ he pleads.

‘’Is it bigger or smaller than the you being a musical nerd one?’’ he snorts at that, but quickly becomes serious as he considers it.

‘’Probably bigger.’’ he admits, knowing full well she’ll demand to him to tell her.

‘’I demand that you tell me.’’ she says with mock seriousness in her voice. And yes there’s a hint of deep curiosity there, but the good thing about Christine is that he knows he can just say no. Just tell her he doesn’t wanna share it and she’ll be fine with it. But it felt so good sharing the other, maybe it’ll be easier if he tells her this one too? The other table is quiet, full of tension as they desperately hope Jeremy will share this second secret with Christine and, unknowingly, with them.

‘’I’m in love with Michael.’’

Michael remembers the first time he saw Jeremy. Really saw him.

The moving truck had parked outside the house down the street late December. Pretty close to christmas, and Michael had wondered who could be bothered to move this close to Christmas. He’d glimpse the new people every now and then, two adults and a small figure in a bright blue coat.

His Ina had said they were a couple with a son about his age, and that he’d probably be starting in Michaels class in January. Nanay had told him to be nice to the new boy once school started, since it was always difficult to start in the middle of the school year.

‘’But why can’t we go over and say hi, we could be friends and then he’d have someone to hang out with when school starts!’’ Ina had smiled.

‘’You’re so kind, anak, I’m proud of you. But they’ve asked for some time to settle, so for now we give them their space.’’ he had nodded in understanding, even though he didn’t really.

This had lead to the first time he actually saw Jeremy being the first day back to second grade that January. He remembers the skinny kid with the floppy brown hair, hands twisting in his soft blue cardigan, a missing front tooth, big blue eyes. He’d stuttered out his own name, face a little rosy, and the teacher had seated him next to Michael. You’d think such an epic friendship would have had a grander beginning. Michael defending Jeremy as someone made fun of his stutter, Jeremy befriending the friendless Michael. But no, it starts with Jeremy sitting down next to Michael nervously glancing over at him, and Michael answering him with a blinding smile.

Jeremy is the first person Michael calls when he gets the new gaming system.

Michael is the first person Jeremy calls when he gets a pet rabbit.

Jeremy is the first person Michael calls when there’s a new movie he wants to see.

Michael is the first person Jeremy calls when he was getting braces.

Jeremy is the first person Michael calls when his grandma dies.

Michael is the first person Jeremy calls when anything happens.

Jeremy is the first person Michael calls when everything happens.

Michael is the first person Jeremy calls when his mom leaves.

They’ve been friends for four years, but it feels like forever. You can always find one with the other. They lean on each other and find strength in each other. They also keep each other on the right track. When she leaves Jeremy is inconsolable at first. He doesn’t understand.

‘’Did I do something?’’ he asks his dad, he gets a shaky smile and a shake of the head. And then his dad is gone again. Not like his mom is gone, but he’s just not there.

He spends a lot of time at Michaels place that year, goes there after school, hangs out during the weekends. Talks to his moms. Talks to his moms a lot actually. He latches onto them like he’s dying, and they notice. It leads to them sitting him down one evening, along with Michael, and having a lengthy discussion about how Jeremy’s feeling. Apparently nobody had really thought to ask him. Except Michael, of course, but Michael only has child like reassurances. And no means to better the situation on his own. He’s glad when his moms step in, because he was starting to feel like Jeremy might be slipping away. The talks become regular, and Reyna and Ami start visiting the Heere household to talk to Jeremys dad as well. He’s slowly getting better, and keeps thanking them for looking after Jeremy while he was being an idiot. His own words. But there’s something missing from the equation. The Heere boys keep saying she left because she was tired of dealing with something. It switches from money problems, to being a mother, to being a wife, to health issues, to some indistinct worry about the future. But it’s all strangely centered around Jeremy. They just don’t know why, until the end of that summer.

They’re looking trough the Mell family photo albums when they come across Michaels baby pictures. Michael, predictably, tries to snatch the album away. Reyna stops him however.

‘’I was in labour for seven hours, I deserve to gush about these photos.’’ she argues, and shows Jeremy the pictures of a very small Michael. He’s screaming, small face scrunched up and hilarious looking. Jeremy tries not to laugh, but a snort escapes anyway. Michael tries to tackle him, but Ami stops him.

‘’Now be nice anak.’’ she says, voice soft and full of fondness. Jeremy glances at her, then back to the picture again.

‘’If you gave birth to Michael, does that mean he has a dad somewhere?’’ he asks, quite innocently. Reyna and Ami share a look over the boys’ heads, and Ami gestures that she’ll handle it.

‘’You see Jeremy, Michael is our biological son. I’m what you call Trans, which means-‘’ she’s cut off as Jeremy gasps loudly, and it’s surprising enough that she just stops talking. All three Mells are looking at him in confusion, but he doesn’t notice, just stares at Ami with big eyes.

‘’You are? You’re married! And you have a family! And you’re happy!’’Jeremy exclaims.

‘’Uuuuuuuh…yes?’’ is the answer Ami gives him, and then he’s laughing. Laughing like he’s relieved. And then he’s crying, and Ami understands. She gets up and gathers Jeremy into her arms, and he clings onto her, buries his face in her shirt without a trace of embarrassment. He knows he’s safe here, so it’s okay. He cries himself out as Ami rocks him gently, petting his hair and shushing him. Michel gets up and settles in next to them, waiting for his turn to hug his best friend.

‘’Are you-‘’ she’s cut off by the frantic nodding of Jeremys head, and she sighs. Not long after Jermey releases his grip, and then he’s got his arms full of a different Mell instead. Michael clutches him tight, trying to squeeze every bit of love and understanding into Jeremy.

‘’I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It’s part of why we moved here in the first place. Fresh start.’’ Jeremy mutters into Michaels shoulder. Michael only shakes his head.

‘’It’s okay.’’ he says, and Jeremy would cry again if his head didn’t already hurt so much.

Nothing changes between them. Except now Michael knows why Jeremy changes in the bathroom instead of the locker rooms. Jeremy had always said he was uncomfortable in the locker rooms, and Michael figures that’s still true anyway. His Ina also tells Jeremys dad about puberty blockers, and tells him everything he can do for his son. She becomes an invaluable resource for Mr. Heere, and someone he can come to with questions he can’t ask his son. Everything seems to be on track to become better, maybe not just like it was before, but who says that’s not a good thing? That is, until Ami overhears Jeremy tell Michael something. She knows she shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but she can’t help it.

‘’I think my mom left cus she couldn’t deal with me. I heard her shouting at dad a week before she left, about how she wouldn’t be able to handle what I’m putting her trough.’’

It breaks her heart, so she steps in like the nosy woman she is. She knocks gently on the door, and the boys go quiet immediately. She cracks the door open, leans into the room.

‘’I’m sorry for listening in, but can I speak with you for a moment Jeremy?’’

Said boy glances at Michael before carefully nodding his head. She steps in fully and joins the two boys on the floor in front of the small tv the gaming system is hooked up to.

‘’As a child, it isn’t your responsibility to make sure you’re someone your parents can… deal with…or whatever. Your only job is to be you, and their jobs as parents are to accept you and love you, teach you and guide you, be there for you. It isn’t your fault your mom left, and I’m sure your dad would say the same.’’ Ami says in a confident voice. And he does. Not as eloquently, but twice as reassuring. Ten times as loving. A hundred times as accepting.

‘’Your mom didn’t leave because you couldn’t be a good child, she left because she couldn’t be good mother. It just wasn’t who she was supposed to be, and she hurt us in the process, so it’s okay to be mad at her, but in the end we just have to let her go, and move on. We can make it together, Heere men have always been resilient.’’ he says, and smiles, and Jeremy believes him.

They stick together trough thick and thin, Michael and Jeremy, Jeremy and Michael.

Player 1 and Player 2

The two of them against the world (against middle school).

Michael doesn’t notice at first. How could he? Jeremy is Jeremy, and Jeremy is his best friend. They play video games together, lounging across each other, sitting in each others laps, falling asleep holding each other, waking up still holding each other. Jeremy likes to cuddle, Jeremy likes hugs, Jeremy likes soft and warm things and Michael is soft and warm personified. Jeremy calms him down after panic attacks, Jeremy tells him he’s the best when his brain says he’s the worst, Jeremy says he’s his favorite person, Jeremy stops stuttering around him, Jeremy grows his hair out a bit, Jeremy calls his moms Ina and Nanay, Jeremy grows up.

Jeremy is cute.

The realization that he’s gay isn’t really a surprise. Well, he’s surprised he didn’t realize sooner. He tells his moms with little fanfare, and Jeremy with even less (who in turn admits he’s probably bi). Life goes on. Until his 14th birthday party. Jeremy is there. Of course he’s there, if you asked him he’d say he wouldn’t miss it for the world, and he’d mean it. They’re out in the garden, having a barbecue. Rich, a kid they met first year in middle school, is there as well. He likes video games and has a lisp, and Michael think’s he’s cool. He’s probably the fastest kid in their class. He’d sat next to Michael in math and then they’d been friends, and then Jeremy had slowly warmed up to him, and they’d bonded over their speech impediments. Michael feels like it should be a big deal figuring out you’re in love with your best friend, but it isn’t. It’s looking up into the tree that’s been in your back yard since forever, laughing and worrying at the same time that Jeremy is gonna fall and break something, and thinking you could spend the rest of your life like that. Laughing and worrying and loving this idiot. He starts high school knowing he likes Jeremy, he finishes freshman year knowing he loves him. He tells Rich, because he’s Michaels closest friend after Jeremy. And now he has to make that distinction because suddenly they have even more friends.

He makes it to junior year with his unrequited feelings. He’s also discovered that getting high chills him out, and helps when he’s feeling strung out and worn down. That’s also how the rest of the gang, excluding Jeremy, gets wind of his crush during sophomore year. It’s an old group chat they used to discuss what to get Jeremy for his birthday back in October, but the first word is ‘Jerms’ in the title and then he’s going for it.

Chatroom: jerms gon party

Player1: i’m so gay for jeremy

And that was that.

They promise not to tell Jeremy, like the good friends they are, but they all agree it’s hard to tell if Jeremy likes him back, beaches they’ve just always been that close. Sometimes Michael hates how close they are, and then he changes his mind about five seconds later. That also means that when Jeremy says he’s crushing on Christine, the others immediately pounce on him, making sure he’s okay. And what can he tell them? That he’s heartbroken? That he kinda wishes Christine would go away? That he kinda wants to sabotage Jeremy, just so he will keep being single, so Michael doesn’t have to deal with this? No. He doesn’t say all that, even though somewhere in the back of his mind he wishes he did. He wishes he had told them and they’d help him get Christine far away from Jeremy. But he doesn’t. He’s a good friend. He’s Jeremys best friend. He wants him to be happy. And if Christine is what will make Jeremy happy, he’s not gonna stand in the way of that. So he tells them that they’re gonna help Jeremy get Christine, because that’s what friends do, and he ignores the ache in his chest and the way he feels his heart break over and over again. He smiles and makes sure Jeremy is okay, and he’s glad he’s been dealing with these feelings for so long, because Jeremy doesn’t notice even now. Maybe Michael wishes he would.

Michael is pretty sure his head is gonna explode. What the fuck. What the actual fuck. The others are looking at him as if they absolutely agree.

What the fuck.

In the next booth over the conversation continues, as if Michaels entire world hadn’t just fallen apart only to be rebuilt again.

‘’Really?’’ Christine exclaims with glee, Jeremy is still bright red, but he’s smiling and nodding shyly. He looks…happy. He looks like he’s in love. Michael has never seen him like that before, but he can’t tear his eyes away. It’s like magic. Like a moth to a flame, and Jeremy is burning brighter than ever, and Michael is only one small moth feeling like he’s chasing the moon.

‘’Yeah, I think I started crushing on him when I was like 12 or something. It’s really stupid. I don’t even know if he thinks of me like that, if I’m even an option. But it’s fine, he keeps me grounded just by being next to me.’’ he looks off into the distance, all dreamy, and okay yeah Christine realizes he could never have been in love with her. This is Jeremy Heere in love, and she’s never seen him like this. Wistful, longing, and so at peace with it, more content to simply exist in the world than she’s ever seen him.

‘’Don’t you wanna tell him that?’’ she asks, and Michael could kiss Christine, he really could right then and there. Jeremy is silent, his face falling a little, like his awareness of the world around him is seeping back in, brining back his anxious demeanor. Michael wishes he could hold onto the place Jeremy and been in, bottle it up and give it to him so he could stay there forever. Just being happy.

‘’I don’t know.’’ oh god please hit this boy over the head with something so he can get it trough his thick skull that Michael is head over heels in love with him so he should really say something oh god please just say something.

‘’What if you tell him on opening night, after you tell everyone about you being a huge nerd?’’ Christine suggests. Michael is gonna shower her in gifts he’s so fucking thankful for her right now. Jeremy snorts.

‘’’Are you ever gonna stop calling me a nerd?’’ he asks jokingly. She gleefully shakes her head no, and he sighs, then his face turns serious again.

‘’Is it a good idea to tell him that right after admitting I’ve been lying to everyone for years because of my own dumb insecurities?’’ his worries are closing in on him, trapping him in a corner.

‘’First off, they’re not dumb. They might be irrational, but that doesn’t make them any less real. Second, isn’t it good to just get it all out, over and done with?’’ Christine tries to reason with his anxieties, and she sees some of the worry clear away. She’s getting trough.

‘’Maybe…yeah okay.’’ he’s smiling slightly, light filling his eyes.

‘’Okay?’’ she asks, urges him on, smile splitting her face.

‘’Okay!’’ he exclaims, laughing, smiling bigger, drunk on love and foolish bravery. She looks at him expectantly, and he only sends her a questioning look back. She groans, but her eyes are still smiling so he knows she’s not actually that exasperated with him yet.

‘’How? How are you gonna do it? I know you, Jeremy Heere, and you need a plan. You need a goal to work towards. So what’s your plan?’’ she puts her arms on the table, leans against them and gets up close and personal with his face. He swallows, his hands shaking just a little.

‘’Uhh, okay. So I meet everyone after opening night, hopefully they’re all amazed at our performance, I tell them I’m a theatre nerd and that my big dream is to go to Broadway-‘’ Christine cuts him off with a squeal of joy, but quickly makes hand motions for him to continue, and the others can’t help but share that sentiment. This is a new side of Jeremy, and they kinda really like it, this new found budding confidence Christine and the musical has inspired in him. Jeremy gives her a crooked smile before continuing,

‘’Then I’ll ask if Michael can drop me off at home, or I’ll probably ask him beforehand, or he’ll offer. He’ll probably offer actually, he’s a good friend like that. Anyway so I’ll wait until he’s dropping me off at home, and then I’ll tell him, and then when it gets really awkward I can just go home and hide in my room forever.’’ Jeremy finishes on an almost false note of cheer. Christine sighs, but smiles tiredly at him.

‘’It was good all the way up to the end. Promise me you’ll hear him out before you run off?’’ she asks.

‘’I promise.’’ Jeremy says.

The six of them watch as Jeremy and Christine leave, and breathe a sigh of relief at having gone unnoticed during the entire ordeal.

‘’How’d you feel dude?’’ Rich asks Michael, and honestly he doesn’t really know how to answer.

‘’I am dead and dying.’’ he offers, and he feels like that should explain everything.

‘’I’m impressed, those states are usually mutually exclusive.’’ Jenna says sarcastically. Michael covers his face with his hands, pushing his glasses up, and leans his head back until it connects with the top of the bech behind him.

‘’Time is an illusion.’’ he mutters trough his hands before dragging them down his face, then reaching up and settling his glasses back into their rightful place.

‘’No but for real I think I’m about to either explode from glee or frustration. Maybe both. He’s closer than ever and I can’t even take the final step towards him, even though it would be so easy.’’ he tries to explain, it must not get across well enough, because the others look mostly confused.

‘’Why can’t you take the final step?’’ Brooke asks.

‘’He’s got a plan. Christine said it, Jeremy needs a set goal and he needs to accomplish it on his own terms. If I went up and told him I liked him I’d throw him off kilter, I might even destroy his concentration and confidence for the play, and he needs that. All I have to do is wait, not do anything out of the ordinary, and wait.’’ he’s looking at his own hands, curled into fists on the table. His emotions are waging a war against each other, but the pure happiness wins over everything else, he remembers the look Jeremy had had when he’d thought about him, thought about Michael, thought about being in love with Michael. He feels something similar creep onto his own fave, feels the red rise in his cheeks, feels the goofy smile, he wouldn’t be surprised if hearts were visible in his eyes right then. He starts giggling, then laughing, from the unabashed joy in his chest. Swelling and swelling and swelling ever outwards, filling his chest and there’s not a single trace of the ache he’s been feeling for years. The others only stare at him, a certain kind of relief in their hearts. It’s just such a good thing to see your friends find happiness they never thought they’d have.

School the next day is instantly so much better. Christine acts like she always has with him again, which is a relief. Their other friends ask if they can sit in on one of their rehearsals, and while yeah that would be great, Jeremy and Christine explain that it’s mostly learning the songs and their lines and their cues as of now, but when they starts rehearsing more coherent parts, like the choreography and stuff like that, they’ can definitely sit in. Which does Jeremys heart some good, because it gives him time to psyche himself up. The best thing however, had to be Michael. To Jeremy, Michael is probably the best part of his day, but he’s just…lighter. Brighter. He seems happier, and Jeremy doesn’t understand why in the slightest, but when Michael smiles at him he sees all that happiness radiating off of him and it makes his insides all warm and tingly. Michael doesn’t smile like that at anyone else either, the extra happiness is noticeable in practically every way if you know how to look, but Jeremy sees it the best when it’s directed at him. That has to be a good sign, right? Something in his head tries to tell him there’s something going on, something sinister even, but Jeremy refuses to listen. He flat out refuses. His favorite person in the whole world is happier than Jeremy has seen in in what feels like forever, and he’s not about to let his own stupid head but a dark spin on that. Michael in turn sees the happiness he knows he’s radiating being reflected right back to him by Jeremy. He didn’t know he could make Jeremy so happy just by being happy himself. He feels like they’re mirrors or something, endlessly reflecting this happiness back and forth, brighter and brighter. So maybe he lets the hugs linger a little longer than their already long hugging time, so maybe he’s finding even more excuses to touch Jeremy casually just to feel his warmth, jus to feel his heart beating steady in his chest so he can relish in knowing it belongs to him, so maybe he tries to tell Jeremy he loves him in every way without being too obvious, in hopes that Jeremy will realize soon. Maybe he does all this despite promising himself nothing would change. Maybe he doesn’t care.

Christine corners Jake at the end of the day. For someone of her size, she sure can be intimidating when she wants to. He’s suddenly glad she is the person that she is, that sh has the heart she has, that they’re friends now instead of something else.

‘’I know you tried to do the right thing, but you shouldn’t meddle in other peoples lives like that. You have to give them time and space to figure things out on their own, and maybe a nudge here and there yes I’ll admit. Just thing things trough a bit more next time, okay?’’ she asks. Gosh she’s so nice. Like an angel. He only nods.

‘’And you guys better be the loudest ones clapping at the end of that Musical.’’ she say in a cheerful voice, with an underlying tone of threat that does not go unnoticed. He swallows, gives his best smile, and watches her walk away.

AmericanDragon changed group name from ‘now kiss’ to ‘Official Canigula Heere Fanclub’

AmericanDragon: i just got threatened by chrissy

AmericanDragon: 0/10 would not recommend

AmericanDragon: she did tell me we needed to be the loudest ppl clapping at opening night so we are now their official fan club

AmericanDragon: our first order of business is to make matching t-shirts

AmericanDragon: I also nominate brooke for cheer captain

AmericanDragon: michael ur in charge of the signs

AmericanDragon: rich ur gonna be out hype man

AmericanDragon: i’m gonna make an official twitter for us, and jenna ur in charge of it

AmericanDragon: it’s evryones duty to like and retweet everything to their personals

AmericanDragon: chloe idk what you should be in charge of but you need to be in charge of something cus you’re good at that

AmericanDragon: taht’s all

AmericanDragon *that’s

Player1: jake wtf

GossipGirl: No I like it. Let’s do this. We owe Jeremy that much, right?

RichBich: yea i mean he rly did not want to tell us he was into musicals n shit

Player1: that’s not our fault tho. u know how jeremy is, sometimes he gets too caught up in his own head and then his idiot brain makes up stuff that isn’t true because he’s so anxious

Player1: this isn’t about him not trusting us, or us not being supportive enough

Player1: this isn’t about what we did or didn’t do before

Player1: this is about how we support him going forward

Player1: make sure he knows he can tell us these things, that we won’t judge him or hate him

Player1: i changed my mind this fan club is the best idea fucking ever let’s go

BeanieBabe: yaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!!

MythicBinch: also i’m obviously in charge. period. i am now the leader of this fan club. go spread the word my pretties.

Player1: hear that guys? chloe thinks we’re all preeeeeeettyyyyyyyyyy

RichBich: well jerms already seems to think so abt u mike

Player1: alright 1 don’t ever call me mike

Player1: E V E R

Player1: and 2

Player1: i am now deceased i hope ur happy with urself

RichBich: oh noon, whatever are we gonna do abt jeremys broken heart :’c

Player1: don’t do me like this ranch

RichBich: do you like u want jerms to do u??

RichBich: ALSO I THOIGH THE RANCH NAME DIED PLS DON’T BRING IT BACK

Player1: iF U FUCKIN STOP CALLIN ME OUT LIKE THIS MAYBE I WILL

RichBich: oh so u admit u want jerms to do u ;3c

Player1: that’s it

RichBich: wait no

RichBich: michael i didn’t mean it i’m sorry pls don’t do this to me im begging u

Player1: shoulda thought of that sooner

Player1 changed RichBich’s nickname to RanchDressingBoy

RanchDressingBoy: nooooooooooooooooooo

Chatroom: F I G H T

Player1 changed group name from ‘F I G H T’ to ‘Ranch Boy’s Back In Town’

Player1 changed RichBich’s nickname to RanchDressingBoy

RanchDressingBoy: i don’t deserve this

Player2: wtf did u do rich????

Player1: HIS NAME IS RANCH NOW

Player1: HE HAS WRONGED ME FOR THE LAST TIME

Player2: *wtf did u do ranch????

Player1: better

RanchDressingBoy: et tu, jerms?

MythicBinch: why are our friends so fucking weird

GossipGirl changed MythicBinch’s nickname to OneOfUs

They’ve been rehearsing the routine for Fight for Me for a few weeks when their friends request comes up again. Jeremy has been learning to fight in slow motion and he’s actually having a lot of fun. He also feels like he’s become good enough at this to show their friends. Christine even says he looks bad ass, which is something he never thought he could accomplish. But he has to admit he does feel rather bad ass with the long coat swishing around at his motions, and taking down two rather burly looking guys with a book as his weapon of choice. During rehearsal that week in December, Christine and him sneak them into the auditorium right before rehearsal starts. They giggle quietly, trying to shush their friends as they settle into the seats without being noticed. They sneak them as close to the stage as they can, wanting them to have a good view. There’s only five minutes left until rehearsals start when Jeremy and Christine start making their way down to the stage. Michael grabs for Jeremy one last time,

‘’You’re gonna be awesome.’’ he says, leaning in close so he won’t have to raise his voice, Jeremys face is a light pink, and he can feel the heat rise in his own face, then he lets go. Jeremy smiles shyly, then it grows into something confident, and he walks away. Michael is left sitting there, leaned forward slightly, awestruck. That confident smile was new. And it was hot. Shit. He’s so gay. He realizes he hasn’t moved, and Jeremy and Christine are almost down by the stage, so he sits back in his seat quickly. It does nothing to alleviate the knowing looks and smirks he receives from his friends. He glares back, before very pointedly turning back to look at the stage. Mr.Reyes has just arrived and he’s directing the cast into position, not that they don’t really know them already. They’ve been in these positions for what feels like way too long.

Mr. Reyes yells action, and it’s like the stage comes alive with a new world. Jeremy approaches Christine, long black coat swaying lightly. It looks almost a little weird to see him with his regular clothes underneath, but the coat helps show off how tall he actually is, gives his shoulders a little more width.

‘’You shouldn’t have bowed down to the swatch dogs and the diet coke heads. They’re gonna crush that girl.’’ Jeremy says, his voice holds no nervousness, there’s not a trace of his stutter. But he’s not really Jeremy anymore, is he? He’s like a different person. Christine looks at him.

‘’I’m sorry, what?’’ Jeremy does not look amused at her words,

‘’You’ve clearly got a soul, you just need to work hard keeping it clean. We are all born marked for evil.’’ he says, and moves as if to walk away, Christine lunges after him, stopping him in his tracks.

‘’Ok, don’t just quote Baudelaire at me and then walk away. I don’t think I caught your name?’’ she says.

‘’I didn’t throw it.’’ Jeremy snaps back, and Rich has to stifle a snort. Christine backs off, further right on the stage, while Jeremy takes front and centre stage, opening his hardcover book. Two guys in football jackets to the left start talking, gesturing to Jeremy as he minds his own business.

‘'Who does that guy in the jacket think he is anyway, Bo Diddley?’’  one says.

‘’Veronica’s into his act no doubt.’’ the other observes.

‘’Let’s kick his ass!’’ the first exclaims.

‘’Nah, we’re seniors man, we’re too old for that shit!’’ but his valiant effort is ignored as knucklehead #1 pushes past, approaching Jeremy.

‘’Hey sweetheart! What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?’’ and good lord he is so obnoxious. Knucklehead #2 follows swiftly, walking up and smacking the back of Jeremys head as he speaks,

‘’My buddy Kurt just asked you a question!’’ okay yeah they’re both obnoxious. The small group in the seats have officially had enough of them.

‘’Hey Ram, doesn’t the cafeteria have a no gays allowed rule?’’ Knucklehead #1 says, and if he was a real dude he would be getting his ass kicked at this very moment. Jeremy doesn’t even look fazed though, he just looks…annoyed. Which isn’t the reaction they’d expect from their Jeremy.

‘’They seem to have an open door policy for assholes though.’’ Jeremy snaps, putting extra force behind the word ‘assholes’. The other two look outraged, the six in the seats have to hold back from yelling in support of their boy.

‘’Hold his arms.’’ Knucklehead #1 says, and Knucklehead #2 forces Jeremys arms behind his back. He draws his right arm back as far as he can for show. As he lunges forward to punch Jeremy breaks free and blocks it with the book, before swinging around and smacking it across the face of the guy who was holding him. It’s very close, but it shows that the hits didn’t actually connect, but the actors are good at following trough with the motions, reeling back and falling to the floor dramatically. It all happens very fast, and then then the cast starts singing. Multiple voices echo across the auditorium exclaiming ‘holy shit!’ to a beat that isn’t playing. The first guy who tried to punch Jeremy is coming back for more, but Jeremy blocks him and pretends to kick him in the crotch. He goes down as the other guy steadies himself on his feet.. The cast is still singing those two words. As he approaches Jeremy turns, sees him, and throws an arm back. He swings it towards the guys face, slowing down as the cast drags the last word out, freezing as he’s about to connect what looks to be a solid slow-mo punch. The cast goes quiet and Christine has finally looked up from the notepad. As Jeremy stills completely, the guy in front of him freezing with what is probably an accurate grimace of someone about to get sucker punched in the face, Christine steps up and points directly at Jeremy. Her face is one of pure awe, with maybe some lovestruck splashed in for good measure. Michael can’t help but agree.

The guy who was kicked in the nuts is frozen on the ground, legs spread and hands clutching his crotch, while everyone else is frozen in various poses of shock, all over exaggerated to enhance the comedic effect of the scene. Christine is still moving, looking like she’s been placed outside of time. It’s mesmerizing. And then she starts singing,

‘'Why when you see boys fight, does it look so horrible yet…..feel so riiiiight?’’ her voice is clear and carries across the auditorium.

‘’I shouldn’t watch this crap, that’s not who I am, but with this kid…daaaaaaaamn!’’ she’s rocking back and forth a bit, trying to convey how something like love at first sight is supposed to have kicked in. She doesn’t move gracefully like other productions have called for, because here she’s playing something she knows how to be in real life. Just an awkward teenager, trying to survive high school.

‘’Hey, mister no-name-kid, so who might you be?’’ she turns her head to look at Jeremy, his face is frozen in an outraged snarl, not really ideal for longingly gazing at, but hey.

‘’And could you fight for me?’’ she kets her knees bend, moving back a little, before moving forward at the start of her next line,

‘’And hey, could you face the crowd?’’ she’s looking directly at Jeremy, but heads around behind the guy he’s almost punching in the face.

‘’Could you be seen with me, and still act proud?’’ she ducks under his outstretched arm, standing between the two frozen-in-place boys, facing Jeremy. She takes a moment to point and give a short ‘HA’ in her clear crisp voice at the guy on the ground.

‘’Hey, could you hold my hand?’’ at this she reaches out and takes hold of Jeremys other hand, his fingers are spread out and she fits her own between the spaces perfectly, gently holding on.

‘’And could you carry me trough no mans laaaand?’’ she lets go, walking away, back to where she was standing when the fight broke out.

‘’It’s fine, if you don’t agree, but i would fight for you,’’ she turns her head back, looking at Jeremy again,

‘’if you would fight for meeeeeeeeee.’’ as she drags the last note out Knucklehead #2 starts moving his arms upward, Jeremys fist is oh so slowly creeping closer to his face, and the others around them are seemingly unfreezing as well.

‘’Let them drive us underground, I don’t care how faaaaar.’’ at this point the dude looks like he’s doing a terrible velociraptor parody, and it’s sort of fucking hilarious.

‘’You can sent my broken booones, and I know CPR.’’ Christine sways a bit and Jeremys fist connects with the guys jaw, his face turning, and it’s like a ripple is set trough the cast as they increase the tempo a notch. Knucklehead #1 is struggling to get on all fours trough the imaginary pain.

‘’Well woah, you can punch real good.’’ Knucklehead #2 finally falls to the ground as the other gains his footing.

‘’You’ve lasted longer than I thought you wouuuuuld.’’ as he turns he takes a swing at Jeremy, arm flying around in a wide arc, still a little slower than real life.

‘’So hey, mister no-name-kid,’’ and he misses completely, Jeremy is standing there watching the fist fly by with an obvious distance between it and himself. Christine is walking up behind him, watching the fight intently, clearly part of this worlds time flow again as she moves at the same speed. Her singing remains the same.

‘’If sometime you’re freeeeeeeeeeee.’’ Jeremy makes a show of raising his arms, splaying them out in disbelief before reaching for the other guys head, leaning his own as far back as it will go.

‘’Wanna fiiiiiiiiiight for meeeeeeeeeee?’’ Christine raies a fist in the air as Jeremy slwoly, oh so slowly, brings his own head and the other guys head together. It looks like they’re just touching foreheads, which is kind of hilarious, but the expressions and the way they almost instantly part again makes it clear. This is supposed to look very painful.

‘’If you’re still aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiive,’’ Chrisitne sings, pumping her fist in the air, very on board with the show of violence in front of her. Jeremy leans all the way back, holding the other guys head out as far as he can reach, he pulls an intense face before slowly bringing them back yet again.

‘'I would fight for youuuuuuu,’’ Jeremy repeats the movements again, but as he leans back this time he lets go of the guys face. Christine is still pumping he fist in the air, looking super excited about the fight, looking super excited about Jeremy. The cast around them is coming alive singing their chorus of ‘holy shit’s.

‘’If you would fight for meeeeeeeeeee!’’ Knucklehead #2 goes down, clutching his forehead. Christine is still holing the final note as she steps to the front side by side with Jeremy. He raises a hand to smooth down his hair as she points to him with her thumb, nodding at a, somewhat, non existing audience as if to say ‘did you just see what he did?’. The small audience in the stands can’t help but agree. Oh yeah they just saw that. And it was fucking incredible. They have to fight the urge to stand up and clap. Jeremys eyes focus on them, and he gives a small mock bow, when he straightnes up again Michael swears he sees those blue eyes lock onto him. They hold him captive for a second before Mr. Reyes asks them to resume the start positions and then Michael finds he can breathe again. He swallows, mouth gone a little dry. He avoids eye contact with the others, but he knows there looking at him again. He just knows it.

They watch the same scene unfold another five times, but Mr. Reyes keeps stopping them, correcting movements or stances or timings or facial expressions. He’s a bit of a nit picker, Michael realizes, but he does see the improvement his directions have on the scene. They experiment a bit with what Christine can do as she moves trough the scene, unstuck in time. Try out different timings fro little things, trying to land the punch lines (ha) in the best ways possible. They’re on run trough number seven, perfecting the fake punches and trying to make them believable, when Jeremy holds the book just a little too close to his face, and the guy who’s pretending to swing at him miscalculates, and hit’s the book with a bit too much force. Jeremy puts one leg out behind him to steady himself, the heel of his foot making contact with the stage echoes loudly trough the room, and everyone stops. He’s looking at the black cover of the hardcover book, feeling something warm trickle down onto his upper lip, his eyes are watering from the sting in his nose, he sneaks his tongue out and yeah that’s definitely blood.

‘’Jeremy?’’ the guy who just punched him, Martin his name is he’s a real sweet kid really, asks worriedly. He realizes he’s been staring at the book for a few good seconds now. He lowers it, and as soon as his nose comes into view Martin gasps.

‘’Oh my god! Jeremy! I’m so sorry!’’ he practically yells, rains his arms and letting his hands hover in the space in front of Jeremys face, wanting to touch, to help, in any way he can but not knowing how. Christine rushes up beside him.

‘’Jermey! Oh my god are you okay?’’ she asks, holing onto his arm. Her hands are warm. He turns as if in a daze to look at her, sees her worried face and seem stop snap out of hit. Bringing a hand up to stop the steady drip of blood.

‘Yeah. Yeah I’m fine.’’ he glances down at his t-shirt, and sees a couple of small red dots. Oh great, this was one of his favorite t-shirts! Mr. Reyes steps up to have a look at him.

‘’Do you feel okay?’’ he asks, and Jeremy nods. His nose doesn’t really feel broken or anything, it’s just a little sore.

‘’Okay, go tot the bathroom and get cleaned up. Everyone else take 5!’’ Mr. Reyes says to the others as Jeremy makes his way to the exit. Michaelis up and out of his seat before anyone else gets a word in. He runs around the outside of the auditorium to meet up with Jeremy.

‘’You okay dude?’’ he asks, once Jeremy is within earshot. Jeremy turns, and he makes for quite the sight. Long dramatic black coat, slightly damp hair from all the physical activity, and blood smeared on his face. He looks…well not intimidating really, but he does look like someone you wouldn’t wanna meet in an alleyway at night.

‘’Yeah I’m fine, just need to go wash. I think it’s stopped bleeding already.’’ he says, selfconsciously rubbing the back of his neck with his not bloodied hand.

‘’I’ll help.’’ Michael decides and starts walking towards the bathroom, Jeremy having to catch up a bit. He looks like he��s about to protest, but seems to change his mind, settling on smiling instead.

‘’Thanks.’’ is all he simply says, but there’s a small smile there, under all the dried blood. Michael leads him to the closest bathroom, directs him to sit on a closed toilet lid, and proceeds to wipe the blood off of him with wet paper towels. Michael is concentrating on not agitating the most likely sore nose, and also getting rid of the dried blood under his chin, that he doesn’t notice Jeremy staring for a little bit. He glances up and catches Jeremys eye, raising one of his eyebrows he asks,

‘’What?’’ but Jeremy only smiles again, that same soft content smile, eyes crinkling and gaze so fond it feels like it might swallow Michael whole, might suffocate him, but wouldn’t that be a way to go? Smothered with love and affection. Sounds like it wouldn’t be the worst, especially if it was from Jeremy, Michael finds himself thinking. He’s glad it isn’t as easy to tell when he’s blushing as compared to Jeremy. Who has seemingly realized he’s been caught staring and is effectively turning into a tomato.

‘’Thanks.’’ is all he says, before averting his gaze, letting Michael finish up the job. He doesn’t protest like Michael thought he would, doesn’t insists that he could do it himself, really. He just…lets it happen. And when Michael’s done and happy with the clean up job, they walk back to the auditorium together, Michael showering him in praise over how bad ass Jeremy looked on stage, and Jeremy figure that one secret might go over very well with him. He wishes that wasn’t the one he was the least worried about to begin with anyway.

Opening night is right after Michaels birthday that May. His birthday is spent in the basement, like so many birthdays before, playing videogames and trying to land all seven of them in food comas. Well, eight this time around. Christine is there. The doorbell and rung one final time at 7:13 pm, and for a second Michael was confused, but it was just a second, because once he realized who was missing he was eagerly running to the door, throwing it open and yanking Christine into a hug.

‘’Yes! Now everyone’s here!’’ he shouts back into the house, and the gaggle of teens gather in the hallway, welcoming Christine. Jeremy is the next to hug her, after she’s removed her shoes (bright yellow doc martens) and jacket (denim and slowly filling up with pins), and she hangs onto him as they lead the way down.

‘’Woah! It’s like a hideout or something! This is so cool!’’ Christine exclaims as she reaches the bottom. And yeah, after having spent years in the same basement they might have gotten used to the decor, but this is Christines first time seeing it. The walls are lined with posters of all kinds, from games to movies to albums to artists to nonsensical shit Michael has found hanging around the city. He’s especially proud of the Swedish one reading ‘Jesus kommer snart, är du redo?’. There are also shelves upon shelves of games, movies, comics, and books covering one entire wall, along with a few stacks underneath the tv, and a few more in the corners. Michaels bed is unmade, covered in blankets and pillows, pac man printed sheets and a Link plushie lying on the floor by the foot of the bed. There’s also a desk (covered in papers) and a desk chair (covered in clothes that are clean enough for one more use, but not yet dirty enough to go in the hamper). It’s very much a lived in space, a little warm and a little dark, but it’s cozy. Jeremy always feels safe as soon as he descends into the atmosphere of the basement.

‘’Welcome to the humble abode of one Michael Mell.’’ Michael announces with a flourish and a bow, Christine giggles and offers up a courtesy of her own, pulling at her shark print t-shirt as if it were a dress,

‘’I humbly accept the invitation.’’ she manages trough her giggles, and when Michael looks up at her he breaks down into laughter of his own. It’s so easy to forget Christine wasn’t always a part of them, and it makes Jeremy happy to know he can have everything he wanted. He has his friends, he has Michael, he has his musical, and he has Christine, and they’re all mixing together and painting the most wonderful sight Jeremy thought he’d never see. He feels like he was afraid everything would get murky, but it just looks like the sky at dusk. Brooke is the soft yellow streaks in the clouds, sunshine rays breaking trough. Chloe is the light pink, turning into deeper darker shades as it enfolds the clouds in perfect harmony with yellow. Jenna is the deep magenta, commandeering and impossible not to notice, but so soft and playful and it wouldn’t be the same without her. Rich is the red burning across the sky, setting the horizon on fire with the raging end of the day, so much energy in such a little space. Jake is golden orange, stretching into the blue of the sky, up and up, keeping the red tethered and the clouds close. Christine is every shade of purple, from the light fluffy purple that bounces on the clouds to the deep purple that burns so brightly alongside the red, she’s ever present and fitting in between everything else. Michael is the deep deep blue, encompassing everything and promising the cover of night, a sky full of stars to admire, a blanket of comforting sleep to be draped over the world. These are his friends, and Jeremy loves them. And they keep reminding Jeremy that they love him too, and he’s convinced that one day they’ll even convince the little voice in his head that keeps lying to him. Jeremy knows where he fits into the picture. He is stormy grey, soft and muffling ashen, fluffy white on his very best days. He feels colorless, but even grey come sin different shades.

‘’I’m gonna kick everyones ass!’’ Rich yells as he belly flops into a beanbag.

‘’You don’t even know what we’re playing yet!’’ Jake accuses him, sitting down on the sofa. There are snacks and soda littered around the small seating area, unopened. The piazza has been ordered and all that’s left to do is to agree on what to play and watch for the night. Michael gets first pick as the birthday boy.

‘’I’m feeling very…gay today.’’ Michael says with a smirk, and the others stare at him in something akin to amused horror.

‘’What?’’ Christine asks, looking around at the others.

‘’Time to get good friends, it’s rainbow road time.’’ Michael exclaims as the others groan and laugh.

Rich does not kick anyones ass. Michael kicks most of their asses actually, Jeremy a close second, and Christine a surprising but well earned third. When the pizza arrives they settle dow to watch the movie Brooke brought. Hush. As a horror enthusiast she’s always armed with at least a couple of either very new or very old copies of movies at all times. The movie keeps them in suspense for just about the entire duration, and Jeremy finds himself with one arm full of Michael and the other arm full of Christine. Jeremy himself doesn’t mind scary movies all that much, there are even some he re-watches, but apparently Christine is as scared as Michael is. He doesn’t mind offering them  comfort and safety, plus it feels nice being basically cuddled in between the two and their high body temperatures. Chloe is clutching onto Brooke as per usual, Jeremy figures that this must be a regular date night thing for the two. Jenna and Jake are pretty relaxed, jumping a few times at the jumpscares, but otherwise not reacting much. Rich hid behind the sofa as soon as something scary happened, and Jeremy has only seen brief glimpses of his hair peeking over the back, before something on screen startles him back down to the relative safeness of the floor, out of the view of the tv. By the end they’re all shouting, rooting for the lady and yelling at her to kick the creeps ass. When it’s over Jeremy turns to Brooke,

‘’That was fucking awesome! Maddie is a kick ass lady, holy shit! Did you see that final move? Corkscrew, the asshole never even saw it coming. Damn.’’ he gushes, and Brooke nods along enthusiastically.

‘’Right? I really like how the movie turned her weakness into her strength as well. And she definitely kicked some serious ass. Women are not to be messed with.’’ she says proudly.

‘’You got that right.’’ Chloe says, no less forceful despite the fact she’s still hiding behind her girlfriend. Although said girlfriend could probably survive any horror movie with her extensive knowledge. Maybe not the worst choice after all. Jeremy chuckles.

‘’You say that as if we don’t know it already.’’ he says with a smile, and Brooke smiles crookedly back at him.

‘’Ah! No! No no no no nononononononoooooooooooooooooooo!’’ Jake collapses defeated into the beanbag as the character on screen goes down. The small pixels disintegrating. Christine sits next to him, having died quite a while before Jake. They’ve tried their hand at level 5 of Apocalypse of the Damned, but alas, no one has gotten anywhere.

‘’This game is super hard! It’s gonna take forever to finish.’’ Christine whines. Rich laughs,

‘’It’s not meant to be finished, the real joy is struggling for your life trying not to be outsmarted by a videogame that’s older than we are.’’ he says.

‘’Yeah, me and Michael have been playing it forever, and we’re only on level 13.’’ the others stare at him,

‘’What?’’ he asks, bewildered.

‘’You guys didn’t tell us you made it past level 12!’’ Jenna complains.

‘’Yeah! Show us the new level.’’ Brooke agrees. Christine looks slightly confused, but relents the bean bag as Jeremy and Michael approach to take their seats.

‘’Okay so like, Jenna was totally right.’’ Michael says, and Jenna fist bumps the air. Jeremy navigates the menu to find the save file.

‘’Yeah, so this is the roof scene and there’s this one guy and you can’t even talk to him but he’s not a zombie or anything and we’re kinda trapped up there? You can’t go back down after going trough the door but it’s just a roof and the zombies are climbing up the walls.’’ Jeremy explains as the save file loads. And sure enough, the two pixelated avatars are on a roof top. There’s a little pixel dude that looks like he’s in a suit standing at the other end, and then zombies start climbing the sides of the building.

‘’You can’t interact with him at all?’’ Jake asks, and Michael shakes his head, eyes trained on the screen. Him and Jeremy are standing facing opposite directions, backs to each other. The best strategy not to get overrun.

‘’We’ve tried just about everything.’’ Jeremy says, cleaving a zombie in two with the fire axe he found in the staircase level. They cut down zombie after zombie, make a path to the guy, but they can’t even touch him. He takes no damage from hits, can’t be interacted with. They’d think he was a statue of he didn’t have the idle animation their own avatars also have. After a few more rounds of fighting, Michael having to drop his gun after running out of bullets, now slashing at the approaching hoards with a kitchen knife, they die. Jeremy first, and without Jeremy to watch his back Michael goes down not too long after.

‘’Fuck!’’ he shouts, throwing the controller on the ground.

‘’Start it up again.’’ Christine says with an intense look on her face. She’s leaning forward slightly, caught up in her own head, and Jeremy hits the blinking RETRY on the screen.

It’s the same short animation of the two avatars exiting the door onto the roof. The other guy stands there. Then the zombies come. Jeremy and Michael hold them off as best they can, waiting for Christine to say something. Which she does. Loudly.

‘’There! Jump off the roof!’’ she shouts, pointing to something in the lower right corner. Jeremy and Michael glance at each other, and before their eyes fully return to the tv in front of them they’re moving to the ledge Christine had indicated. They jump in tandem. The screen goes black and they hold their breaths. The game fades back in and they recognize the pixelated background as a football field.

‘’Christine you’re amazing!’’ Michael yells, and Jeremy throws an arm back to give her a very awkward hug. She giggles and watches as Michael and Jeremy expertly tackle the waves of football gear clad zombies rushing onto the football field.

It’s closing in on 1am, games have been played, movies watched, and now they’re mostly staying up for the hell of it. They’re all sprawled out across Michaels room. Chloe and Brooke have taken the sofa hostage, claimed for their cuddling needs. Christine and Jenna are sprawled across all three bean bags. Jake and Rich are on the floor. The floor is good. And Michael and Jeremy are on Michaels bed, legs dangling off the edge and staring at the ceiling. They’ve been like this for half an hour now, when one of them decided sitting upright wasn’t worth it anymore.

‘’Truth.’’ Brooke says, and Christine makes a thoughtful hum.

‘’What is…your biggest…pet peeve?’’ she finally decides on.

‘’Uuuuuuuuuuhh…oh! when I’m wearing one of those really long cardigans and it gets stuck on stuff like corners and ugh, I hate when that happens.’’ Brooke says, earning a giggle from Chloe and a sympathetic hum from Jeremy and his cardigan loving self.

‘’Jeremy, truth or dare?’’ Brooke asks.

‘’Truth.’’ he answers, not really wanting to risk having to move if he picked dare.

‘’What’s the deal with Ranch Dressing Boy?’’ she asks. Rich groans so loud it almost drowns out Michael and Jeremy laughing. Almost.

‘’Okay okay, so,’’ Jeremy begins once he’s calmed down again.

‘’This story is really stupid, but me and Michael made a pact that we would never let him forget it, and now we are swearing all of the people present into the same pact. Never forget what I’m about to tell you.’’ he sits up slightly and watches as they all nod, sealing the pact.

‘'In middle school Michael, Rich, and I became friends, right? Well middle school Rich was a weird kid, which is why we liked him I guess. He was weird in a good way, in a I-know-I’m-weird-but-I’m-owning-it way.’’ Jeremy begins.

‘’Awwwwww, you guys thought I was cool!’’ Rich interrupts before Jake smacks him lightly and makes shushing noises.

‘’Dude of course.’’ Michael says, clambering up so he’s leaning against the wall next to Jeremy.

‘'Well okay so one day the cafeteria staff are like freaking out about something, it’s a huge mess and they’re all running around trying to keep it secret that someone broke into the backroom and stole something. No one has any idea what’s been stolen. Everyone’s making theories from pudding to a teachers porn stash, at one point someone started a rumor that there had been like loads of drugs in there, and the week after someone had told their parents that a teacher had stashed drugs at school and that a kid had it now, so the parents call the police and then the police shows up and starts asking everyone if a teacher has ever tried to sell them drugs.’’ Jeremy is rambling as if he’s told this story a million times, but the other are listening intently. Rich looks like he wants to sink into the floor. Michael is looking at Jeremy, letting the words wash over him, looking at Jeremy as he gestures with his hands.

‘’Turns out! The math teacher was dealing drugs, so he gets arrested, then the police finally get to know what was actually stolen from the backroom, and then they all just leave with the math teacher. Mr. Thompson was a jerk though, so nobody really cared. Anyway, fast forward three weeks and we’re hanging out on the roof like the rebels we are, and then Rich pulls out a fucking crate. A crate! And he’s all dramatic like he’s confessing to a crime. He stole 27 bottles of ranch dressing from the backroom in the cafeteria, and why? What was the brilliant response you had for us as we scrambled to understand?’’ Jeremy gestures for Rich to reenact his response, and Rich covers his face, heaves a sigh, and says,

‘’I had a feeling it would help during the invasion.’’ Rich says, with no real feeling in his voice. The others erupt into wheezing laughter peppered with questions of why? and what?.

‘’We never got him to tell us what the fuck he meant by that.’’ Michael says, shrugging.

‘’It’s a mystery for the ages.’’ Jeremy agrees, making eye contact with Michael, and then they’re laughing again.

‘’And so it will remain!’’ Rich yells,

‘'Cus fuck if I remember why I said that.’’ he finishes, and they’re all sent back into hysterics.

‘’Ranch Boy.’’ Jake leans over and whispers into Richs’ ear, who promptly smacks him upside the head. It does nothing to stop the laughter.

‘’Michael, truth or dare?’’ Jeremy asks once everyone has calmed down into giggles.

‘’Truth.’’ Michael says, also not really wanting to risk a dare entailing moving from his spot, shoulder to shoulder with Jeremy.

‘’What’s something I don’t know about you?’’ Jeremy asks after a little bit. For a second it’s so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. The Michael says,

‘’Oh man, that’s hard, you know basically everything already dude.’’ but in his head he’s running trough secrets he’s kept over the years. They all sound about the same. I haven’t told you this thing because it leads back to me being in love with you. He scrambles to think of something, anything, and hides it with the very believable fact that they tell each other everything. Or well, he thought they did, but he doesn’t actually blame Jeremy for that. Plus it could have been a lot worse, a lot less fixable, than a love for performing and theatre and musicals. Oh. Maybe that’s something?

‘’I listened to the soundtrack to Heathers and then I got obsessed with it so I started listening to other soundtracks like Wicked and The Addams Family, so now I have like a whole playlist of super dramatic musical numbers that I usually listen to in the shower or in the car.’’ Michael says. And it’s true. He has found himself seeking out musicals after learning of Jeremys obsession. They do that a lot, the two of them. If one starts showing interest in something the other will soon follow suit, and then they’ll eventually start obsessing over it together. Their taste in things are so similar that there is rarely anything something one enjoys and the other doesn’t, but when those do crop up it’s not a big deal. It’s more of an I’ll-listen-to-you-rant-even-though-I-don’t-like-this-thing-as-much-as-you-do situation. It’s a pretty good system too. Michael glances over at Jeremy, who looks like he might as well have emptied the night sky of its stars, his eyes are stinging so bright. Michael smiles. Jeremy smiles back.

‘’Thanks.’’ he says, an understanding passing between them. Jeremy knowing Michael has figured it out at least a little, and is accepting this new aspect of his best friend, likes it even. Jeremy leans into Michaels shoulder a bit more.

Another hour passes like so, truths being shared, nothing major, a few sweet moments here and there. Until Chloe strikes.

‘’Truth or dare, Michael?’’ she asks him, and like an idiot he answers,

‘’Dare.’’ because he feels adventurous.

‘’I dare you to kiss Jeremy.’’ she says, smirk on her lips and deviousness in her eyes. It’s 2:21am and thus both too early and too late for this shit. Jeremy has gone bright red next to him.

‘’What the fuck, Chloe?’’ he says, ignoring that Jeremy has sort of frozen beside him.

‘’If you don’t wanna do it then you get to do a penalty instead. Here’s a hint, the penalty is the same, but worse. Choose your poison.’’ she says, and they’re all very very tired so the others are mostly giggling at the situation. He wishes they’d look at him and Jeremy and understand that they’re both kind of dying right now.

‘’You realize Jeremy has final say, I’m not gonna kiss him if he doesn’t want to.’’ Michael says, finally looking at Jeremy, who is still red, and fidgeting, whose eyes have gone just a tad glassy. Michael is hit with the thought that Jeremy probably wants this just as much as him. Then he realizes Jeremy doesn’t know Michael wants to as well. Oh boy. Jeremy makes fleeting eye contact with him, before his gaze darts away again.

‘’I don’t mind dude.’’ he says in a small voice. Michael reaches for Jeremys face before his mind can catch up with what he’s doing. He turns Jeremys head towards him gently, distantly nothing that his fingers have stilled but that his hands are still hovering in front of his chest. Michael leans in, guiding Jeremys head to tilt a little so their noses won’t crash, and connects their lips gently. Jeremy has a tendency to bite his lips when he’s nervous, and he’s nervous a lot, as a result his lips are always chapped. Michael feels it, but he also feels how soft and pliant Jeremy is, and is again hit with the thought that Jeremy must be enjoying this too, and it’s almost too good to be true. Jeremys arms unfreeze and reach out to hold onto the front of Michaels hoodie carefully, as if he’ll disappear if he holds on too tight. Michael smiles into the kiss, and that’s what breaks it. It feels like it lasted a lifetime, and Michael would have been happy to spend his life like that. Warm and comfortable next to Jeremy, kissing him into eternity and loving him even longer than that. In real time it was only like six seconds. He opens his eyes before Jeremy, and gets to see his long lashes flutter against his face, before staring into those deep blue eyes he’s found himself drowning in and saved by in equal measures.

‘’Not too bad.’’ Michael jokes, trying to ease the tension he can see in Jeremys shoulders. It helps a little, as Jeremy cracks a small smile. Bad move, Mell, Michael thinks to himself. Jeremy is flushed red, eyes sparkling, smile pure and radiant joy. He looks so fucking adorable Michael is sure if he wasn’t already in love with him he’d fall right then and there. Fuck he’s so gay. He turns to Jenna.

‘’Truth or dare?’’ he asks her, ignore the knowing looks they’re sending  him, missing the knowing look Christine sends Jeremy.

‘’Truth.’’ Jenna says.

‘’What would you always make sure to have with you during a zombie apocalypse?’’ he asks her.

‘’Nerd.’’ she answers in a fond voice, before actually thinking it over.

‘’A car or some other sort of transportation.’’ she decides, and Michael nods his approval.

‘’Jeremy, truth or dare?’’ she asks next.

‘’Truth.’’ he answers, still slightly red faced.

‘’Who was your first kiss?’’ And he’s right back to full blown tomato. He covers his face with his hands.

‘’Michael.’’

‘’Wait what? That was your first kiss?’’ Michael asks, shocked. Jeremy can only nod.

‘’I thought you kissed Christine in the show? Haven’t you practiced?’’ Jake asks innocently enough. Jeremy hunches down.

‘’We were supposed to but I always chicken out.’’ he says in a meek voice, and Michael puts an arm around him.

‘’It’s cool as long as it’s cool with you.’’ Michael says, and he feels Jeremy relax a little under his arm.

‘’It’s cool.’’ Jeremy responds, peeking out from behind his hands.

Chatroom: Official Canigula Heere Fanclub

MythicBinch kicked Player 1 from the chat

MythicBinch changed group name from ‘Official Canigula Heere Fanclub’ to ‘Too Gay To Function’

MythicBinch added DDRqueen to the chat

MythicBinch: ey chrissy get this mikey has a huge gay crush on jerms and we r p sure jerms has a huge gay crush on mikey

MythicBinch: so we gon get these two idiots together if it’s the last thing we do

DDRqueen: Jermey has a huge gay crush on Michael #confirmed

DDRqueen: oh my god am I glad to know I was right

DDRqueen: but I do feel like I should be the voice of reason and tell you to let them figure it out themselves

DDRqueen: no offence, but meddling isn’t you guys’ strong suit

AmericanDragon: i claim responsibility for that one

DDRqueen: just give them some time

DDRqueen: until like, after opening night DDRqueen: if nothing happens after that I’ll talk to Jeremy

MythicBinch: deal

It’s the day before opening night, a Friday to be exact, and Jeremy comes to school wearing a beanie. His floppy bangs have been pushed underneath the dark blue knitted hat, and only the widows peak of his hairline is showing.

‘’What’s up with the hat?’’ Michael asks when he picks him up for school that morning. Not that he minds or anything, Jeremy looks really cute with the hat.

‘’Promise you wont laugh?’’ Jeremy asks, knowing deep down that Michael would never, but still needing to make sure to ease the nerves. Michael makes an x over his heart, and Jeremy smiles. He wrings his hands together, reaches up and grabs a fistful of the material, hesitates for a second before seemingly steeling himself and snatching it off in one quick jerky movement. He hair is fluffy and slightly curly, a bit messy from having been shoved under the hat. Oh and yeah, it’s pitch black. Michael is at a loss for words. Jeremy won’t look at him, running his hands trough his unruly hair and trying to het it to lie down somewhat normally. Michael reaches out with a hand, and Jeremy is so caught up in not looking at him that he flinches slightly when the hand touches his hair.

‘’Sorry.’’ Michael whispers. He doesn’t know why he’s whispering. Just runs his hand trough to help Jeremy conquer his hair problem.

‘’It’s okay.’’ Jeremy whispers back, because when someone whispers to you you gotta whisper back that’s the rule. He lets his own hands fall away, leaving Michael to fix it. Jeremy feels calmer, and it surprises him because he thought this would stress him out more. But the atmosphere in the car now is just, quiet and soft, calm. The music from the speakers having been turned down in favor of conversation now provides a gentle background noise. Michael retracts his hand after only a few seconds, looking over his handiwork and smiling, satisfied with the result.

‘’It looks nice, dude.’’ he says. Jeremy blushes slightly, smiling and tugging at a lock of hair behind his ear.

‘'Thanks dude.’’ he says.

Once they pull up to school however, the anxiety has returned full force. Michael is one thing. Michael is safe and accepting and the best human being Jeremy knows. School is different. School is prying eyes and whispers in the hallways and laughter that might not even be directed at him but his head will tell him it is and he’ll feel like everyone’s staring even if they’re not and just, no. No. He puts the beanie back on, and Michael gives him an understanding look and a one armed hug before they head into the building together.

Lunch rolls around, like it always does, and Jeremy is the last to arrive at the table.

‘’What’s up with the snazzy looking hat, homie?’’ Jake asks, and gets a raised eyebrow as an answer. Jeremy pulls his chair out and sits down between Michael and Christine. Jake sighs,

‘’I thought way too long about how to bring it up and it turned into something weird, sorry. But for real, hat?’’ Jake tries again, Rich tries to hide a snort behind his hand, it doesn’t work.

‘’Yeah, I mean it’s cute and a good color for you, but what’s up? Bad hair cut?’’ Brooke asks.

Jeremy heaves a sigh, makes eye contact with Michael for moral support, he puts a hand on Jeremys shoulder, then Jeremy reaches for the hat just like he did in the car. He pulls the hat off, ruffling his hands trough his hair to get rid of his hat hair. Christine squeals.

‘’You dyed your hair! You’re gonna be the best JD ever!’’ she yells before flinging both arms around his neck, Michael dodges out of the way of a wayward hand, but he’s smiling.

‘’Damn dude, cool!’’ Rich says, reaching out across the table to ruffle his had trough it. Chloe stops him. They make eye contact and Rich seems to catch himself.

‘’Oh, sorry, can I touch it?’’ he asks, arm still hovering in the space between them, he’s leaned out if his seat just about as far as he can, so Jeremy bends forwards and says,

‘’Yeah sure dude.’’ with a small giggle, and then Rich is running his hand trough the locks of black hair. Jeremy is staring at the table, and smiling. They all take a turn ruffling his hair, and Jeremy just keeps smiling brighter and brighter. Christine finishes ruffling his hair fondly, and that just leaves Michael. But he’s had his fill of ruffling, so he simply reaches out and fixes Jeremys hair like he did that morning, tucking a bit of hair behind his ear and smiling. His hand brushes against Jermeys cheek as he pulls it back.

‘’You gonna leave the hat off now?’’ he asks, with no expectations behind it. Jeremy bites his lip, glancing at the others at the table, they all give him reassuring looks.

‘’Yeah, I guess.’’  he says finally.

A few minutes before the bell rings Michael excuses himself from the table,

‘’I forgot a book in my locker, I’ll see you in English class, yeah?’’ he tells Jeremy, who nods happily before turning back to his conversation with Jenna. Michael garbs his bag, heavy with all the books he needs, and heads to the front desk.

‘’Are there any more tickets for the show tomorrow?’’ he asks.

‘’Just a few, none of them are next to each other though.’’ the lady answers.

‘’That’s okay I just need one.’’ Michael says.

Saturday morning Jeremy wakes up more excited and more worried than he’s ever felt before. He showers, gets dressed in a floral t-shirt, fluffs up his hair in the mirror. He’s still not really used to seeing himself with black hair, but he gets a small kick every time he catches sight of it in a reflective surface. It makes everything even more real. This is happening. Oh god this is happening. His smile falls a little. No. No we’re not going down that road. He shakes himself, waving the thoughts away, ignoring the rolling waves of nausea trying to overtake him. He mutes the urge in him to crawl back into bed, ignores the voice that says his clothes are terrible, he looks terrible, everything is terribly, being seen by anyone is going to be the worst thing ever today. He swallows, avoids looking at his reflection as he exits his bedroom, heads down into the kitchen. It’s 11am, and he’s going to head out to meet the others for something like lunch, before him and Christine head to the school to get ready for later that evening.

‘’I’m heading out dad!’’ He shouts behind him, opening the door and watching as Michaels PT Cruiser pulls up to the curb.

‘’When will you be home?’’ his dad shouts back.

‘’Like 9 at the latest I think, I’ll text you if I run late.’’ he slips on his converse, foregoes a jacket, deeming his cardigan enough for the pleasant warmth of spring.

‘’Have fun with your friends.’’ his dad says finally, and then Jeremy is out the door. Michael is rocking out to a song Jeremy can’t hear, singing along and dancing in his seat. Jeremy opens the door and

‘’Cut the monsters! Cut the curses! Keep the intro! Cut the verses!’’ Michael sings along.

‘’Are you listening to Shrek?’’ Jeremy asks, laughter in his voice. He settles in and closes the door, Michael ignores him in favor of dramatically flailing along to the song,

‘’And the waiting! The waiting! The waiting! The waiting! The waaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiitiiiiiiiiiiiing!’’ Michael pauses the song as the long tone ends, cutting Fiona off at the start of the next line.

‘’Hey don’t knock it!’’ Michael says, half defensive half laughing.

‘’I’m not!’’ Jeremy replies, giggling. He stops, looks down at his folded hands in his lap.

‘’But can we not listen to musicals, my nerves are kinda all over the place, I think I need something wordless.’’ he says, Michael reaches over and puts a hand on his shoulder.

‘’Of course dude.’’ he says, and then Rain by Sinitus Tempo is filtering trough the speakers. Slow and steady.

‘’There’s the star!’’ Jenna exclaims as Christine walks over, the lat to arrive at their chosen cafe. Christine makes a show of twirling and bowing gracefully, and the table claps as she sits down. Jeremy hands her the peppermint tea and blueberry muffin they’d gotten her earlier, and she smiles gratefully.

‘’So, how’re you feeling?’’ Michael asks, sipping his iced mocha.

‘’Like…like I’m about to explode from happiness and joy and nerves and the impatience of finally putting this show on for everyone to see.’’ Christine answers in a breath, and the others are smiling, laughing a little as she giggles. Jeremy smiles timidly, and Michael knocks his shoulder against his gently. Jeremy leans into the touch gratefully.

‘’I feel like I’m gonna vomit.’’ Jeremy admits, laughing nervously. Chloe raises an eyebrow.

‘’You almost always feel like that though, right?’’ Jeremy nods hesitantly.

‘’And it always turns out okay in the end.’’ Chloe finishes, matter of factly, like it’s a given nothing bad can happen.

‘’Yeah, chill out dude, you’ve practiced for a reason!’’ Rich says, reaching over and knocking his fist against Jeremys arm gently.

‘’Yeah Jeremy, if the rest of the performance is half as good as the part we saw in December, everything’s gonna be fine!’’ Brooke adds. Jeremy smiles gratefully.

‘’I’m so excited though, this is gonna be the first of many productions you’ll star in Jeremy, I’m sure of it! You’re gonna take the world by storm someday.’’ Christine says, jostling him slightly.

‘’Same goes for you Christine, I mean you’re already taking Middle Borough by storm, the world will follow.’’ Jeremy murmurs, lips quirked up at one side, eyes a little unsure.

‘’Well duh!’’ Christine says smiling brightly,

‘’But this is your first show, I’m an experienced veteran of the theatre!’’ she says, mock seriously.

They share a laugh.

The clock inches ever closer to 3pm, and Christine and Jeremy head off to get ready for the show at 5. They wave their goodbyes as the two exit.

‘’I need to go take care of something.’’ Michael says not long after, when he’s sure Jeremy and Christine are well on their way.

‘’What?’’ Rich asks.

‘’I’m gonna talk to Jeremys dad.’’ Michael says, and they let him go.

‘’We’ll meet you at the park, the one with the fountain.’’ Chloe says as he exits. and he gives a wave over his shoulder to let her know he heard her. He plays Wicked, hums along as he drives, and he finds himself outside the Heere household again in not too long. He feels in his pocket, touching the sliver of paper, and makes his way to the door. He rings the doorbell, and waits. Mr. Heere opens the door in a bathrobe, and is seemingly startled to see him there.

‘’Michael? Didn’t you pick Jeremy up earlier?’’ he asks.

‘’Uh, yeah. I’m actually here to talk to you.’’ he answers. Mr. Heere raises an eyebrow, but gestures for him to come in anyway, Michael does. They sit at the kitchen table. Michael pulls out the ticket he bought yesterday, places it on the table, and slides it towards him.

‘’Jeremy is in this. He’s good. I don’t think he told you, but I think he’d appreciate it if you came.’’ is all he says. Mr. Heere picks up the small sliver of paper.

‘’A musical?’’ Michael nods.

‘’I mean, he sings all the time, but I didn’t know he was this serious about it.’’ Mr. Heere admits.

‘’It’s today, at five.’’ Michael says. Mr. Heere looks at him with deep brown eyes, and they might be different in color, but he recognizes Jeremy in the sadness he sees there, in the regret, in the way they look both younger and older at the same time.

‘’Thank you, Michael.’’ is all he says.

The lights lower and the audience falls silent as if a spell has been cast. Thought the darkness Christines voice rings out, loud and confident.

‘’September first, 1989. Dear diary.’’ then the music kicks in. The light illuminates the stage, and there she is. Her hair is lightly curled, giving it volume.

‘’I believe I’m a good person.’’ they watch as she gestures her way across stage.

‘’I think there’s good in everyone, but here we are, first day of senior year and… I look around at all these kids I’ve known all my life and I ask myself.’’ she flings her arms out, book in one hand, a pen in the other.

‘’What happened?’’ she pleads, eyes searching the audience as if she can actually see anyones face over the blinding lights trained on her. The rest of the stage is illuminated, revealing the ensemble cast. Jeremy hasn’t made his entrance yet. Actually he doesn’t show up until the part they saw at rehearsal. Except it’s something else entirely. With he stage lighting and the full costume. His dark floppy hair styled and hanging in his face. He doesn’t look like Jeremy, his posture is relaxed and confident, and when those two guys walk up he doesn’t even flinch. He looks so unbothered by it all. The fight scene is even better this time around, and Christine sings her heart out, moving across the stage, hitting her cues and the comedic cues. The audience is wonderfully responsive as well. Laughing when the punchline drops and not being ashamed to do it. Jeremy and Christine had told them that sometimes people just don’t laugh during theatre even though some parts are supposed to be funny, just because they’re at the theater and feel like laughing isn’t appropriate, and then they get that trend going for the whole night and, yeah they’d been a bit nervous about that. The group make sure to laugh loudly and freely, just in case someone isn’t pulling their weight in the audience.

Jeremy doesn’t show up again until he’s striding into the makeshift stage set of a pink plastic 7/11.

‘’Greetings and salutations. Want a slushie with that?’’ he says, voice lowered just a little and tone confident. The black coat sways as he walks, moving with every motion, making his whole being that much more dramatic. It could be funny, if Jeremy wasn’t displaying the persona he’s currently putting on. The banter continues a bit, back and forth, Jermey picking up a cup and placing a straw in it.

‘’What’s a Baudelaire quoting badass like you doing in Sherwood Ohio?’’ she asks eventually.

‘’My dads work. He owns a deconstruction company.’’ he says, leaning casually against the pink shelf.

‘’DE-construction?’’ she stares quizzically at him.

‘’Yeah, the old man seems to enjoy tearing things down.’’ he un-slouches, planting his feet wide and making a slightly weird face with an equally weird voice,

‘’My name’s Big Bud Dean and if it’s in the way, I’ll make your day!’’ he says, gesturing with the hand not holding the slushie.

‘’Oh yeah! Then he pushes the plunger and the whole screen blows up.’’ Christine says, laughing kinda dorkily, looking out at the audience. Then she freezes, as if realizing what she’s just said.

‘’Uh, that’s…that’s your dad?’’ she says, looking back at him awkwardly. The audience laughs at her awkward tone.

‘’In all his semi psychotic glory.’’ Jeremy says offhandedly.

‘’Hmm, yeah well, everybody’s life’s got static.’’ she throws out, and on cue a very long very loud car horn drowns out all other sound, followed by a shout from off stage,

‘’VERONICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!’’ the two on stage stare off to the side, as if looking at the source somewhere beyond the edge. Once it dies out Jeremy looks back, and Christine waves her arms around as if to say ‘yeah’.

‘’For example, I don’t really like my friends.’’ she explains.

‘’I don’t really like your friends either.’’ Jeremy is quick to add.

‘’Bag the party, hang out here?’’ he offers her, easy smile on his face. The music starts up, gently in the background.

‘’Ooooh, seven eleven, swanky first date.’’ Christine answers, wagging her eyebrows a bit as she gets some candy from one of the few things that aren’t pink but actually looks real. She’s smiling bright, taking a couple steps closer.

‘’Come on, I love this place.’’ he answers, sweeping his arms out as if he is showing her some grand kingdom and not a small, mostly pink, seven eleven.

‘’No offense, but why?’’ she says, nibbling on the candy she picked up.

‘’I’ve been trough ten high schools, they start to get blurry.’’ he starts off, his voice is low and gentle, as if he’s still only in conversation with her. His profile is lit by the stage lights, and he looks magnificent. His face is open, tiptoeing around vulnerable, for the first time in the show.

‘’No point planting roots, cause you’re gone in a hurry.’’ he’s leaning on the pink shelf again, holding onto the cup like a lifeline. Michael isn’t sure if that’s Jeremy or JD, but it doesn’t look out of place anyway.

‘’My dad keeps two suitcases packed in the den, so it’s only a matter of when.’’ he shrugs as if he’s not bothered, but it’s a lie, his face looks sad, and Michael isn’t sure if it’s because he knows Jeremy or if Jeremy is just that good. He wouldn’t doubt his talents though.

‘’I don’t learn their names, don’t bother with faces.’’ the music swell slightly, and so does Jeremys voice.

‘’All I can trust is this concrete oasis.’’ he fondly runs a hand along the pink shelf, glancing around as if he’s appreciating the sight.

‘’Seems every time I’m about to despair, there’s a seven eleven right there.’’ he finally looks out across the audience, holding his hands up as if visualizing the corner store on the street up ahead of him. A crooked smile is playing on his lips, his hands are not shaking even though he’s now loosely holding onto the cup. Michael sees Jeremys shoulders lower slightly, and he knows. Jeremy’s got this in the bag.

‘’Each store is the same, form Las Vegas to Boston, linoleum isles that I love to get lost in.’’ he moves away, walking around the shelf, but keeping his eyes on Christine, walking towards her once he rounds the shelf.

‘’I pray at my altar of slush, yeah I live for that sweet frozen rush.’’ Jeremy stops in front of her and takes a long sip trough the straw, then makes a show of grimacing and putting his hand to his temple.

‘’Freeze your brain, suck on that straw, get lost in the pain.’’ his voice is back to slightly gentle, and the lights adopt a blue tinge as he turns to Christine again, who’s backing up very slowly.

‘’Happiness comes when everything numbs, who needs cocaine?’’ he takes a step closer, and she takes a step back, until they’re leaning against the edge of the raised part of the stage in the back.

‘’Freeze your brain, freeze your brain.’’ he sings gently, extending the cup towards her.

‘’Care for a hit?’’ he offers, speaking now.

‘’Does your mom know you drink all that crap?’’ she retorts.

‘’Not anymore.’’ he says simply, then he steps away from the edge, towards the audience.

‘’When mom was alive, we lived halfway normal.’’ he shrugs, Christine looks slightly scandalized. The audience chuckle at her dramatic face.

‘’Now it’s just me and my dad we’re less formal.’’ he gives the audience a ‘what can you do’ kinda face, but his eyebrows are pinched slightly.

‘’I learned to cook pasta, I learned to pay rent. Learnt the world doesn’t owe you a cent.’’ he sings, facing the audience fully.

‘’You’re planning your future, Veronica Sawyer.’’ as he sings her name, he whips his head around to stare at her again

‘’You’ll go to some college, and marry a lawyer.’’ he’s slowly turning around to face her again.

‘’But the sky’s gonna hurt when it faaaaalls, so you better start building some waaaaaalls.’’ He raises his arms, slushy cup still in his hand, and then lowers them slowly, finally coming to face her again.

‘’Freeze your brain.’’ he sings, raising the cup into the air now.

‘’Swim in the ice, get lost in the pain.’’ he sways it in front of her, as if trying to tempt her.

‘’Shut your eyes tight, til you vanish from sight, let nothing remaaaaaiiiiin.’’ his smile grows, as if this is a fact he is extremely happy about, slushy cup still held out in front of him, like temptation. Like salvation. Michael remembers what Jeremy had said about this song.

‘’Freeze your brain.’’ he turns back to the audience, walking towards the edge of the stage.

‘’Shatter your skull, fight pain with more pain.’’ he raises a hand an makes a motion as if something is exploding next to his head. His face is intense, but Michael can see Jeremy slipping though the cracks as JD breaks.

‘’Forget who you are, unburden your load.’’ his arm lowers, he’s singing his heart out, desperately flinging his heart out into the air.

‘’Forget in six weeks you’ll be back on the road.’’ he’s staring out into the bright lights and the darkness beyond. Michaels remembers how Jeremy had said he saw himself in JD.

‘’When the voice in your head says you’re better off dead, don’t open a veeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin.’’ the last word is sung like a desperate plea, voice rising rising rising. it’s so raw, like an exposed nerve, like a sore spot you keep touching just because it hurts. He remembers how he said he saw himself in JDs vulnerability. The music pauses as Jeremy heaves a few desperate gasps. There’s a moment of silence, as if he finds that calm space again.

‘’Just freeze your brain.’’ his voice is so soft and gentle, his eyes close, he brings his hands together, he looks serene. He looks at peace, like he finds the calm again.

‘’Freeze your brain.’’ his eyes open again, his face almost expressionless. Christine approaches from behind.

‘’Go on and freeze your brain.’’ he turns to look at her as she steps closer, singing the last few notes at her. Then the music changes.

‘’Try it.’’ he syas, the music playing a few sudden loud notes as he thrusts his arm out, offering it to her. The audience explodes. They’re clapping, and Jake is wolf-whistling, Michael is close to tears. He made a point not to listen to the song beforehand. He wanted Jeremy to be the one who sang it for him first, because it meant a lot to him, and now he knows. And he kind of wants to run on stage and hug his best friend, but he can’t, so he sits there, clapping like his life depends on it. Jeremy and Christine have to freeze for a second, as the clapping just keeps going, and Michael can see Jeremy fighting a smile, sees the pleased flush of his face, even though it’s barely visible from the lights. Christine grabs the cup as the applause finally dies down, and takes a good, long sip of it.

‘’Yeah, I don’t really get the big dea- Oh son of a bitch!’’ she bends over, putting a hand to her temple, and the fact that Christine just swore startles a laugh out of the six of them. They look at each other as if to convoke each other that yeah they really just heard that.

‘’Veronica!’’ Heather yells from off stage again

‘’Ah, I gotta go.’’ she hands the cup back as she gestures with a thumb over her shoulder, taking a step backwards to where the shout came from.

‘’So I see.’’ Jeremy replies, a coy smile on his lips a she reaches out and takes the cup back. He looks fine again, as if Jeremy hadn’t been seconds away from some sort of breakdown. Michael swallows thickly, tries to tell himself Jeremy sees it as a comfort song, because it reminds him of Michael. He feels slight pinpricks behind his eyes, but holds it back.

Michael gapes trough the scene where Jeremy literally kills someone holy shit what the fuck. And then Jeremy steps back onto stage holding two guns and oh my god, Okay yeah things just got a whole lot more real.

‘’Woah, are those real?’’ Christine says, voicing Michaels own question out loud. Logically he knows it isn’t real, like in the real scope of things. But in the play? Who knows anymore.

‘’Yeah, but we’re filling them with ‘Ich Luge’ bullets.’’ Jeremy says, and Michael doesn’t know german but he’s pretty sure that’s bullshit.

He was right that’s total bullshit.

‘’Three.’’ Jeremy says as he steps out of the shadows at the edge of the stage. A shot louder than thunder sounds trough the entire auditorium, and then one of the two boys standing there in boxer falls to his knees, and collapses. Christine shoots at the other, but he runs away. Christine laughs at first, then Jeremy chases after the guy who ran away, and as they shout off stage, Christine edges closer to the boy on the floor.

‘’Ram? …Ram you’re just unconscious, right?’’ she shakes him violently, desperation in her voice, fear in her eyes.

‘’Ram!? Ram!?!’’ she’s shaking him furiously now. The still alive boy runs back onstage, Jeremy hot on his heels. Jeremy looks furious, waving a gun around. He actually looks kinda scary.

He shoots the kid, and it’s just a play, but right then and there he’s channeling JD so well Michael forgets it’s actually Jeremy. Then he sees the gun shake slightly, and he knows Jeremy is still in there, and probably a little horrified at having pretended to kills someone.

‘’What the fuck have you done!?’’ Christine yells in anguish, and Jeremy turns to her, shadows hiding his face slightly as he stares down at her, singing as he approaches.

‘’I worship you. I’d trade my life for yours. We’ll make them disappear. We’ll plant our garden here.’’

Christine falls to her knees, crying, and Michaels heart aches. Jeremy approaches, tries to hug her, but she pushes him away.

‘’Our love is god. Our love is god.’’ Jeremy sings as he embraces her anyway, forcing her to let him hold her, and if Michael didn’t know Jeremy he’d be include to punch him right then and there.

They sing that line again and again, together, until the ensemble cast approaches from behind and the lights dim.

‘’Our love is god!’’ Jeremy sings one final time, and then the stage is plunged into darkness.

The lights come on signaling intermission, and Michael leans forward to look down the row at his friends, and they look back at him with the same expression.

Holy.

Shit.

‘’This is fucking intense dude.’’ Jake says, collapsing back in his seat, Rich nodding his agreement.

‘’Like, I knew it was dramatic, but damn.’’ Jenna says.

‘’I need a snack.’’ Michael says, and stands up as if in a daze.

‘’I’ll come with.’’ Brooke says, and together they make their way out.

‘’Jeremy’s like…a whole other person on stage, isn’t he?’’ Brooke says as they exit the auditorium.

‘’Yeah.’’ Michael agrees, a very intelligent and in depth response he knows, but it’s all he’s capable of. They continue making smalltalk, buying drinks and snacks for their friends, before heading back in for act 2. It starts of with organ music, and Christine centre stage with a spotlight trained on her. The sombre atmosphere fades away as ‘I love my dead gay son’ kicks off. Michael thinks this dude might be one of his faves so far. The stage goes dark as they finish, the backdrop lighting up in rainbows before the lights go back up, leaving Jeremy standing with his arms outstretched and Christine with a confused expression and stance. A generally confused everything. Jeremy starts sniffing the air as he steps closer to Christine.

‘’What’s that smell? is that?…tolerance?’’ the audience laughs. Christine begs him to give up on killing people, and it seems to work. For now. It’s all downhill from there however. Michael feels his heartbeat speed up to a rhythm he didn’t think the human body was capable of as the ghostly forms of the three dead teenagers follow Christine to her room.

‘’Sorry for coming in trough the window, dreadful etiquette I know!’’ Jeremy says, not looking the least bit sorry. He jumps down onto the stage, leaving Christine on the raised back part.

‘’All is forgiven baby! Come on get dressed, you’re my date to the pep rally tonight!’’ he shouts. He looks like a mad man. Stepping forward so he’s facing the audience he starts singing,

‘’You chucked me out like I was trash for that you should be dead. But, but, but.’’ he waves his hand in time with the beats.

‘’Then it hit me like a flash, what if high school went away instead!’’ he gestures wildly with the piece of paper.

‘’Those assholes are the key, they’re keeping you away from me.’’ he gestures angrily, his voice is slightly strained, and there’s a certain look on his face. Like he’s keeping back the anger, the hurt. Michael didn’t know Jeremy could look like that. He’s actually very glad he’s never seen him have reason to look like that.

‘’They made you blind, messed up you mind, but I can set you free!’’ he sings out towards the audience, gesturing wildly with his arms.

‘’You left me and I fell apart, I punched the wall and cried.’’ he walks backwards, turning towards the raised part of the stage, drawing his arm back,

‘’Bam! Bam! Bam!’’ he punches it three times, yelling each time. Christine flinches where she stands above him.

‘’Then I found you changed my heart and set loose all that truthful shit inside.’’ walking back out towards the audience, he gestures to his chest, almost punching himself in the ribs.

‘’And so I built a bomb, tonight our school is Vietnam!’’ at the side of the stage the ensemble cast, the students, walk out, a spotlight illuminating them.

‘’Let’s guarantee they’ll never see their senior prooom!’’ Jeremy stalks towards them, like an animal stalking towards its prey.

‘’I was meant to be yours. We were meant to be one. Don’t give up on me now. Finish with we’ve begun. I was meant to be yours.’’ his voice changes, going back to that gentle sweet voice as the lights illuminate the stage, he looks almost innocent where he stands next to the students. But he’s dressed in all black, in contrast to their colorful wardrobe, and he looks more like a harbinger of death that anything else. The Stage plunges into almost darkness again,

‘’So when the high school gym goes BOOM with everyone inside,’’ he’s back to angry gesturing, face contorting in anger. He turns to the group students,

‘’Pchw! Pchw! Pchw!’’ pretending to shoot them as a red spotlight illuminates him, casting odd shadows across his face, his mad grin standing out like nothing they’ve ever seen before.

‘’In the rubble of their tomb, we’ll plant this note explaining why they died!’’ he walks back, until he’s centre stage again, the music cuts out, as the voices of every single student rise in ominous harmony,

‘’We the students of Westerburg High, will die. Our burnt bodies may finally get trough, to you. Your society turns out slaves and blanks, no thanks. Signed the students of Westerburg High. Goodbye.’’ he throws his arms out again, letting his voice pour out,

‘’We’ll watch the smoke pour out the doors, bring marshmallows we’ll make s’mores. We can smile and cuddle while the fire rooooaaaaaars.’’ the students are bathed in red light, a grim visualization of what he’s got planned, but Jeremy looks thrilled.

‘’I was meant to be yours, we were meant to be one.’’ the light shifts again, back to illuminating, back to something akin to comfortable.

‘’I can’t take it alone, finish what we’ve begun.’’ Christine looks horrified where she stands, staring at him, glancing at the students, glancing at the three dead teenagers next to her.

‘’You were meant to be mine!’’ he pounds his chest again, basically screaming the words instead of singing.

‘’I am all that you need!’’ he sounds so desperate, pleading, broken open and spilling everywhere.

‘’You carved open my heart!’’ he tugs something out from beneath his coat, brandishing the gun.

‘’Can’t just leave me to bleed!’’ he clutches the gun to his chest, before running off towards the small staircase leading up to the raised part of the stage. The lights go out, except for a spot on him from the back of the stage, his back is encased in a halo of white light, and he is the consuming black void in the middle.

‘’Veronica open the- open the door please. Veronica open the door.’’ he holds a hand out towards the upper level, where it’s dark and they can’t really see much besides four shapes scrambling around.

‘’Veronica can we not, fight anymore, please. Can we not fight anymore?’’ he takes a step closer to the staircase, hand still reaching out. Then all the lights go out, and it’s just Jeremy.

‘’Veronica, sure, you’re scared. I’ve been there. I can set you free!’’ he’s barely visible, a spotlight from above all that makes his black frame stand out against the blackness of the rest of the stage. His hair makes the light shape a halo around him. Like an angel of death.

‘’Veronica, don’t make me come in there! I’m gonna count to three!’’ he shouts, aiming the gun into the darkness. Then the lights go out totally.

‘’One.’’ he stand still, barely visible.

‘’Two. Fuck it.’’ the staircase lights up, and he scrambles towards them, as if he’s running for his life. As he reaches the top the lights come back on and Christine is hanging there with a noose around her neck, swaying lightly. Jeremy falls to his knees, broken.

‘’Oh god…No! Veronica!’’ he shuffles closer, just a little, makes as if to reach out.

‘’Please don’t leave me alone, you are all I could trust, I can’t do this alone.’’ his hand falls to the floor, he bows his head, voice shaky.

‘’Still I will if I muuuuuuuuuuuust!’’ his voice grows, he looks up into the light that shines on veronica, hands balled into fists. The stage goes dark.

‘’Veronica?’’ the girl playing her mom asks the darkness.

‘’I brought you a snack.’’ she says, appearing at the edge of the stage.

‘’Veronica?’’ she asks a final time, and the lights flood back, revealing that Jeremy is gone, but Christine is still dangling from a noose. She approaches the staircase, catches sight of Christine and she screams. Christine slips her head out immediately, and it devolves into the two just screaming at each other. The dad comes in as well, and they talk before Christine grabs the croquet mallet to arm herself, and steps towards the centre of the stage. A red spot makes her blue jacket purple, and her voice is strong and filled with a mix of anger and regret as she sings.

‘’I wanted someone strong who could protect me.’’ she starts, her voice shaking with anger.

‘’I let his anger fester and infect meeee. His solution is a lie, no one here deserves to die. Except for me and the monster i’ve createeeeed, Yeeaaah.Yeeaaaaaaaah.’’ her voice rises, filled with resolution, and her face is fierce and grimly determined.

‘’Heads up JD, I’m a dead girl walking.’’ she raises the mallet into the air, brandishing it as a weapon. The students enter from the side, singing in the background.

‘’Can’t hide from me, I’m a dead girl walking.’’ she sings, still holding the mallet aloft.

‘’And there’s your final bell,’’ she lowers the mallet and raises her other arm, pointing up to an unseen bell, but it rings all the same.

‘’it’s one more dance and then farewell.’’ she gestures her arm in a slashing motion, like a vicious knife, cutting across the air and bringing an end to everything.

‘’Cheek to cheek in hell, with a dead giiiiirl waaaaalking.’’ she has the mallet raised again, and the students begin marching up onto the raised part of the stage. The lights are red, and everything looks red, and Michael has always always like the color red, but he could do with a little less red right about now.

‘’Veronica! Jason Dean told me you’d just committed suicide.’’ the teen playing Mrs. Flemming exclaims as she practically runs into Christine.

‘’Yeah well, he’s wrong about a lot of things.’’ Christine throws out, swinging the mallet slightly.

‘’I threw together a lovely tribute, especially considering the short notice.’’ she sounds almost sad, Christine seems to ignore her,

‘’Mrs. Flemming what’s underneath the gym?’’ she asks instead.

‘’Boiler room.’’ Mrs. Flemming answers, straight to the point.

‘’That’s it.’’ Christine says and makes to walk off.

‘’What’s going on?’’ the question is thrown after her, Christine twirls around, still moving,

‘’Got no time to talk I’m a dead girl walking!’’ and then she twirls back, running off stage. The lights dim and the red illuminates the back of the stage, where the students are lined up with pom poms.

‘’Hey yo, Westerberg! Hey yo, Westerberg! Tell me what’s that sound? Here comes Westerberg Comin’ to put you in the ground! Go go, Westerberg! Give a great big yell! Westerberg will knock you out, and send you straight to hell!’’ the lights switch, illuminating the lower part as the students turn their backs to the audience. Jeremy is there, Clutching something and then turning away to place it on the ground. He’s obscuring exactly what it is, but it’s not a difficult guess. He places it on the small wall of the raised stage, and then Christine enters.

‘’Step away from the bomb.’’ she says, decisive, no room for argument. And Jeremy jerks back, revealing that yeah, that is a bomb actually. Fucking hell.

‘’And here I thought you’d lost your taste for faking suicides.’’ Jeremy says as he gets up again.

‘’Oh, and this little thing?’’ he says lightly, almost jokingly, pointing at the bomb, bending over a bit as if to inspect it.

‘’I’d hardly call this a bomb.’’ he concludes. He walks closer to her.

‘’This is just to trigger the packs of thermals upstairs.’’ he says, pointing upwards at different spots as he approaches.

‘’Those are bombs.’’ his voice drops again, dangerously low, and he pulls the gun out from his coat again. Levels it at Christine, who stands there, staring it down as if she doesn’t fear death. Michael holds his breath.

‘’People are gonna see the ashes of Westerberg High School and they’re gonna think ‘there’s a school that self-destructed not because society doesn’t care but because that school was society’.’’  he steps closer, grabbing hold of the gun with both hands. Is voice is cold, rising every now and then, and he looks so threatening Michael is impressed with Christine for standing her ground.

‘’The only place that Heathers and Marthas can get along,’’ he cocks the gun,

‘’Heaven!’’ he finishes forcefully.

‘’I wish your mom had been a little stronger. I wish she stayed around a little longer.’’ she sings gently, stepping closer, and he steps back to avoid her.

‘’I wish your dad were good! I wish grown-ups understood!’’ she keep advancing, and he keeps backing up, her voice growing in power. They stop centre stage.

‘’I wish we’d met before, they convinced you life is war!’’ he adjusts his grip on the gun, it’s shaking slightly, and Christine is pleading with him, trying to reach out, but he won’t budge.

‘’I wish you’d come with me-‘’ she tries, only to be interrupted,

‘’I wish I had more TNT!’’  Jeremy almost screams, glancing at the thing stuck to the wall. Christine knocks his arm away, and starts grappling with him. She has to drop the mallet, but then she’s trying to pry his had off of the gun, which seems like a smart move. They keep grappling for it, changing positions and the lights are slowly dimming making it hard to see where the gun is. They’re chest to chest and then it goes off. A spot illuminates the two, Jeremys shocked face, Christines tense shoulders. She takes a small step away, and Jeremy goes down, gun still clutched in his hand. He makes a dull thud in the silence as he hits the floor. Michaels heart lurches in his chest at the small sound he makes on impact.

‘’Was that good for you, cus it kinda sucked for me.’’ Jeremy says, voice strained with imaginary pain, but it sounds so real. He still has the gun, aiming it at Christine, but it looks like he can barely hold his head up to look at her. It proves to much, because his head falls back again, this time for good it seems. Christine rushes over, falling to her knees.

‘’It’s over, it’s over JD, it’s gonna be okay, which wire do I pull? Which wire do I pull, JD?’’ she asks, desperately, voice on the verge of crying as she leans over him. Then she realizes, and she falls back to sit on the floor, hand covering her mouth and eyes glistening. She glances to the bobm, and struggles to get to her feet. She’s limping, clothing the edge of the raised stage part, and then she grabs the bomb, and the stage goes dark. When the lights come back on they’re green, and Christines voice fills the silence.

‘’Dear diary, the irony of this is that I never got to write my own suicide note.’’ she’s clutching the bomb to her chest, and a few sparse chuckles sound from the audience.

‘’Smart girl.’’ Jeremy says from the other side of the stage, he’s holding onto his stomach, clutching the small staircase on that side for support, his voice is laced with pain and he can barely stand. Christine steps back, even though she’s on the opposite side, almost as far away as she can get, already.

‘’Bring the trigger bomb, out here to the football field, and nobody dies. Except you, if you keep holding onto that thing.’’ he uses the edge of the raised part of the stage to make his way closer, pausing to suck in air trough the pain every now and then. He sounds so sad.

‘’I don’t deserve to live.’’ the words are barely out of her mouth before Jeremy retorts,

‘’I respectfully disagree.’’ he lets go of the edge, taking a few stumbling steps towards her.

‘’Give it to me.’’ he says reaching for it, but she steps away, he falls to the floor without the support. ‘’Stay away from me.’’ she says as she goes down with him, stumbling as she’s stepping backwards.

‘’Or what?’’ he asks, almost breathlessly.

‘’I am damaged, far too damaged.’’ he sings, leaning back a little. He does sound…damaged. Defeated.

‘’But you’re not beyond repair.’’ he sings to her, as if realizing he’s beyond saying, but maybe she isn’t. He locks his eyes on her, as fi he’s spotted the last way out, the last chance at salvation, the last good deed he’ll ever be capable of doing. Letting her live.

‘’Stick around here, make things better.’’ he crawls closer, dragging himself by his arms, and he gets so close he’s almost hovering over her. Then he reaches out with the arm not supporting his weight.

‘’Cause you beat me fair and square.’’ he tugs at the bomb, pulling it from her limps arms, and hurries to get out of her reach again. Clambering until he’s standing again, almost like he’s forget ting he has an injury, spurred on by adrenaline and the knowledge it’ll all be gone soon.

‘’Please stand back now.’’ he sings gently, and Christine struggles to her get up, leg still bothering her, but she makes it in the end.

‘’Little further.’’ he sings, and she limps away.

‘’Don’t know what this thing will do. Hope you’ll miss me. Wish you’d kiss me.’’ he’s walking towards the centre stage, and once he reaches it he looks back at her.

‘’Then you’d know I worship you.’’ he turns to face her completely, face resigned, posture ramrod straight and determined.

‘’I’ll trade my life for yours.’’ his voice grows.

‘’Oh my god.’’ Christine sings slightly louder, the events catching up to her.

‘’And once I disappear.’’ he raises his voice over hers again.

‘’Wait hold on-’’ she increase her volume too, desperately so.

‘’Clean up the mess down here.’’ Michael feels tears on his face.

‘’Not this waaaaayyy!’’ Christine pleads one final time.

‘’Our love is god, our love is god, our love is god, our love is god, our love is gooooooooooood.’’ the music swells, ever louder, ever approaching the inevitable. The stage darkening slightly.

‘’Say hi to god.’’ Christine barely manages to get out, her voice choked up. Then the explosion happens. Chloe screams, Michael feels himself startle, feels Jake do the same next to him. The stage had glowed a vibrant orange for a split second, then smoke had erupted from somewhere, and the stage had gone dark. The thought that he’ll get to see Jeremy and hug him and hold him and make sure this isn’t real is the only thing that keeps the sobs from breaking out, and Michael is sorta happy he isn’t breaking down into hysterics because of a musical. He’s just, very close to breaking down into hysterics because of a musical.

The lights come back on and the residual cloud of smoke hangs over the back of the stage. The students and teachers make their way onto the fully lit stage, they’re talking amongst each other, one of them might crack a joke but Michael sin’t really paying attention. Christine limps her way onto the stage, stopping in the centre. The other stare at her, and then the two remaining Heathers approach her, she kisses one on the cheek.

‘’Listen up folks, war is over, brand new sheriffs come to town.’’ she sings, holding the red scrunchie above her head.

‘’We are done with acting evil, we will lay our weapons down. We’re all damaged, we’re all frightened.’’ she sings, tying her hair with it.

‘’We’re all freaks but that’s alright. We’ll endure it, we’ll survive it.’’ her arms fall to her sides, she looks so tired, but then a smile blooms across her face as she looks at Martha,

‘’Martha, are you free tonight?’’ her voice lifts, the tiredness the hurt the pain, all vanishing in an instant. Like she has let it go, like it was nothing, like she can move on.

‘’What?’’ the girl asks, looking like a question-mark, arm in a sling.

‘’Um, my date for the pep rally kind of blew-…me off. So, I was wondering, if you weren’t doing anything tonight, maybe we could pop some Jiffy Pop, rent a video, something with a happy ending?’’ she says, approaching her.

‘’Are there happy endings?’’ it sounds defeated, but there’s a strand of hope in there that Christine tugs on. They sing their way to a happy ending together. They finish strong, and the applause has started even before the lights go out, but it just continues as they come back on, The stage is empty. Backstage Christine has her arms around Jeremys neck, hugging him as the ensemble cast run back onstage.

‘’You were amazing.’’ she whispers into his hair, and he can do nothing but return it,

‘’So were you.’’ he says, and then he has to go. He sees the lights open up before him, runs out onto centre stage. The applause doubles, triples, someone wolf-whistles, and he smiles the biggest he’s probably ever smiled as he lets it wash over him, and he bows. Then he steps to the side and Christine steps out. The audience goes absolutely crazy. She does a bow, then grabs for his hand so they can bow together. The entire cast bows, gestures to the sound and light crew, and then they’re running offstage again.

He gets changed in a blur, he’s so sweaty but he’s riding a high the likes of which he’s never felt before, and in this moment he feels invincible. Like he could take on anything, and maybe even win. Like he could tell his secrets to the people who could hurt him the easiest, and live. He’s back in his street clothes. Pastel yellow floral t-shirt, baby blue jeans, cardigan. He feels so light, like he could soar off into the sky at any moment. Then he exits the dressing rooms and sees Michael, and he knows he wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else than here, right now.

‘’Michael!’’ he yells, he actually yells. He’s so excited. Michaels head snaps to him, and okay yeah no, this is the biggest he’s ever smiled. Michael answers his smile with a blinding one of his own and Jeremys heart leaps. He could kiss him, right there, he could. He feels like he could. Just lean in, press Michael up against the wall and kiss him senseless.

‘’Jeremy!’’ Jenna calls, and he sees the rest of the group making their way over, and then Christine is exiting the dressing rooms and they’re all there.

‘’You were amazing!’’ Jake yells, and everyone joins in, complimenting, sharing their enthusiasm, clambering to tell the two how amazing they were. It takes a few minutes for them all to calm down, but pressed together in that small corner of the hallway, Jeremy feels surrounded by love, so he decides to jump into it, hoping they’ll catch him.

‘’I’ve got something I really need to say.’’ and they all go quiet, he didn’t really expect that, but they look at him, so expectant, he doesn’t want to disappoint them.

‘’I’ve been obsessed with musicals and theatre for a few years now and I kinda wanna get on Broadway one day if I can manage?’’ he says in a rush, voice dying down towards the end and lifting at the very end, so it’s more a question than a statement. They don’t seem to care.

‘’You’re gonna rock the world, Jeremy.’’ Chloe says confidently. and then he gets caught up in another wave of compliments and reassuring and the wave carries them out into the parking lot after a while. Jeremy feels indestructible.

‘’I’ll drive you home, yeah?’’ Michael says as the other part ways, the promise of a proper hang out tomorrow to celebrate having been established.

‘’Yeah, thanks dude.’’ Jeremy says, and they get into the car, into the old worn and comfortably familiar seats. Player 1 and Player 2. Against the world. Jeremy is practically buzzing the entire ride over, making small talk and discussing the show and it alternates between Jeremy gushing over how much fun he had and Michael gushing over how amazing he was. Jeremy doesn’t notice the way Michael keeps tightening his hands on the wheel, how he’s waiting for something. It’s so close, Michael can swear he can taste it in the air between them. He’s waited so long for tonight, and Jeremy is happy like he’s never seen him before, so confidently talking about the things he thought he did good. He pulls into Jeremys driveway far too quickly. He just sits there for a moment, letting Jeremy finish the tangent he had started, just looking at him. Just taking in the glowing eyes the smile the blush the way he’s gesturing. Everything that makes Jeremy, Jeremy, Everything that makes him love him.

‘’But uh, yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow?’’ Jeremy finishes, and Michael hesitates for a second, only a second, before he’s smiling and nodding.

‘’Yeah dude! Gotta party properly, but I can tell you’re about to crash, so go get some rest.’’ he says, and there’s a pit opening in his chest, a black hole nestled in-between his lungs, trying so very valiantly to swallow him whole. He keeps it at bay. Jeremy opens the door. He’s got a leg outside the door when he turns back, looks at Michael and tries to find the courage he had earlier, in the hallway. When he thought he could conquer the world, and have everything he wanted, when he thought he deserved to be happy. Something aches in his chest, and the ache makes him open his mouth, makes him say,

‘’Michael? I…’’ he hesitates, looks down at his lap, back up at Michael, back down to his lap.

‘’Yeah?’’ Michael urges, tense and exited all in one, as if he’s on the brink of falling. He doesn’t know if it’s a goof fall or a bad fall yet.

‘’It’s nothing.’’ Jeremy says, and gets out. Michael stares at the door as it closes, wants to reach out, wants to take what he knows he can have, wants to grab a hold of Jeremy and never let him go. Jeremy is making his way around the car, up towards his door. Michael lets the voice in him win for once, opens the door, gets out, takes a step. Then Jeremy turns.

‘’Michael, wait! I-‘’ he turns and comes face to face with Michael. He looks puzzled.

‘’Sorry, it just…it seemed important.’’ Michael says lamely. Jeremy smiles.

‘’I guess it kinda is.’’ he takes another step closer, and Michael resist taking a step back, letting the distance between them close.

‘’Michael, I’m…’’ he starts, trying to find it in himself to finish, There’s something in the pit of his stomach, something dark and writhing and nauseating and it wants to consume him, wants to drag him down and-

‘’You?’’ Michael asks, and he looks, hopeful? He looks like he needs to know what Jeremy has to say, and the dark feeling is suddenly flooded over with butterflies. His chest fills with warmth and he thinks that even if Michael were to break his heart right now, he could live. He could. Probably.

‘’I love you.’’ he says. It hangs in the air between them, the space that seems to be shrinking, inch by agonizing inch. Michaels face blooms into the most beautiful smile Jeremy has seen in his entire life, and he’s leaning closer closer.

‘’I love you too.’’ Michael whispers into the scant inch that’s left between them, then he reaches up and cups Jeremys face with his hands, closing the distance. Jeremy lets his arms rise, latching onto the front of his hoodie like he did in the basement, what feels like forever ago. It’s not as good as the first one, it’s so much better. It’s so much more. It might even be perfect.

[childsound56-blog]

10 free agents the Eagles could sign now that they don’t have to worry about the compensatory pick formula

A new wave of NFL free agency is expected to pick up this week since signings will no longer count against a team’s compensatory pick formula starting at midnight (12:00:00 on May 8). The Eagles are among the teams who have been biding their time while playing the comp pick game.

Philadelphia already has one of the most talented rosters in the league but there’s always room for improvement. Not to mention Howie Rosman has about $22 million in cap space to work with. Here’s a look at some targets who could make sense for the Eagles.

DE EZEKIEL ANSAH

Ansah is one of the most intriguing free agents remaining on the market. He led the NFL in pressure rate last year with 20 pressures in 101 pass rush snaps, per Pro Football Focus. Ansah’s market has evolved slowly as he’s recovery from shoulder surgery.

Here’s what I wrote about Ansah as a possible Eagles target earlier this year:

I can’t help but wonder if Ansah might be one of the top free agent pass rushers the Eagles are rumored to be targeting. Jim Schwartz’s Lions selected Ansah with the No. 5 overall pick in the 2013 NFL Draft. There are some issues with Ansah that could potentially drive down his price to make him more affordable. He’s missed 14 games in his past three seasons and he finished with sacks totals of two in 2016 and four in 2018. Spotrac projects Ansah’s next contract to be less lucrative ($13.5 million average annual) than what Brandon Graham’s next pay day will be ($15.4 million average annual). Maybe Schwartz feels like Ansah is the answer for the Eagles. (*booing ensues*)

Ansah would be a great addition to the Eagles’ defensive end rotation, which is looking thin if Chris Long doesn’t return. For a team that likes to heavily rotate their pass rushers, the Eagles’ depth really drops off after the trio of Brandon Graham, Derek Barnett, and Vinny Curry. If one of those three guys gets hurt, the Eagles are suddenly looking at one of Josh Sweat, Shareef Miller, Daeshon Hall, or Joe Ostman being a top three defensive end on the team. That’s not ideal.

Signing Ansah makes a lot of sense for the Eagles but one would imagine he’ll be looking for a bigger role than what Philly will be offering him. Ansah has already taken some free agent visits and the Eagles seemingly haven’t been among those trips.

It’d be nice if Schwartz could convince his former draft pick to spend a year with the Eagles before allowing Ziggy to test the market again in 2020. Just not counting on it to happen.

DE DERRICK MORGAN

Morgan might be a more realistic signing for the Eagles. The 30-year-old has previously made it sound like he’s moving on from Tennessee. Morgan wouldn’t be some high impact player like Ansah but he could give the Eagles more depth.

The 2010 first-round pick was selected three spots after Graham at No. 16 overall. He’s had a solid nine-year career with the Titans. Morgan’s coming off a down year with only 0.5 sacks in 2018 but he had sack totals of nine and 7.5 in 2016 and 2017, respectively.

Morgan’s a Lancaster, PA native and attended high school in Coatesville. Maybe he has interest in moving back closer to home.

DE PERNELL MCPHEE

I wrote about McPhee as a potential Eagles target earlier this offseason:

The Ravens selected McPhee with a fifth-round pick in the 2011 NFL Draft. He then signed with the Bears during the same offseason that Joe Douglas left Baltimore to join Chicago’s front office. McPhee could fit in the Eagles’ defensive end rotation if they’re looking for a veteran.

McPhee also overlapped with Fletcher Cox at Mississippi State, for what it’s worth.

McPhee didn’t log a sack in limited playing time with Washington last year but he did rank 59th out of 173 edge rushers in pressure rate. He had eight quarterback hits and seven hurries in 203 defensive snaps, per PFF.

DE WILLIAM HAYES

Hayes was selected by the Titans in the fourth-round of the 2008 NFL Draft while Schwartz was Tennessee’s defensive coordinator. Hayes played for former Dolphins defensive coordinator and current Eagles defensive special assistant Matt Burke in Miami over the past two seasons.

Hayes, who recently turned 34, is coming off an ACL injury that he suffered in Week 3 last year. That’s not great. The upside is that Hayes ranked 28th out of 119 edge rushers in pressure back in 2017.

OG JEFF ALLEN

Allen is a player the Eagles were rumored to be interested in back in 2016. Philadelphia decided to sign Brandon Brooks away from the Texans instead. It’s safe to say the Eagles got that decision right. Brooks has been a Pro Bowl guard for the Eagles while Allen struggled to play well and dealt with injury issues after signing with Houston.

But with Brooks now recovering from an Achilles injury, the Eagles could afford to add some interior offensive line depth. Signing the 29-year-old Allen makes a lot of sense. He’s versatile and has experience playing at tackle, guard, and center. He’s also known for being a good locker room guy.

The Eagles have familiarity with Allen since he played for the Chiefs while Pederson was Kansas City’s offensive coordinator from 2013 through 2015.

OG STEFEN WISNIEWSKI

Back in March, the Eagles declined Wisniewski’s option for the 2019 season. He’s failed to receive strong interest on the market to this point but maybe they’ll change with teams no longer having to worry about him impacting their comp pick formula.

I’d think Wis doesn’t have a ton of interest in returning to the Eagles because he feels like he should be starting. He said that he felt like his 2018 benching wasn’t performance-related.

If Wis sees his market dry up, though, he could decide the Eagles are ultimately his best option in 2019. There could be an avenue to playing time, anyway, with Brooks recovering from injury and Isaac Seumalo subject to struggles.

If I was the Eagles, I’d consider placing the rarely-used May 7 tender (formerly the June 1 tender) on Wis. In short, this would allow the Eagles to 1) bring Wis back at a reasonable cost or 2) allow him to still count towards the Eagles’ comp pick formula if he signs with another team.

RB JAY AJAYI

Wait. Why is Ajayi making this list? The Eagles already have Jordan Howard, Miles Sanders, Corey Clement, Josh Adams, Wendell Smallwood, Boston Scott, and Donnel Pumphrey. And the Eagles already gave out Ajayi’s No. 26 jersey to Sanders.

I’m not including Ajayi here because I think he’ll be on Philadelphia’s roster in 2019. I’m including him because I think they could offer him a May 7 tender in order to try to get a comp pick for him, similar to what I just talked about with Wis.

Over The Cap comp picks expert Nick Korte recently talked about this possibility:

CB KAYVON WEBSTER

From earlier this offseason:

I wrote about Webster as a potential target back in 2017: “Webster was a third round pick by the Broncos in the 2013 NFL Draft. He overlapped with Undlin in Denver from 2013-2014. Webster had his most productive season as a rookie when he had one interception, 10 passes defensed, one forced fumble, and 37 tackles. Webster’s playing time decreased ever since then because he’s been stuck behind big money corners Aqib Talib and Chris Harris Jr. along with 2014 first-round pick Bradley Roby. Broncos writers identify Webster as a very good special teams player and suggest he could be looking for a bigger role on a new team. The 26-year-old defensive back might be an interesting buy-low option for the Eagles.” Webster was reportedly set for a free agent visit with the Eagles that offseason but he signed with the Rams instead. Webster only played two games for the Texans in 2018 after dealing with injuries. The Eagles have a lot of talented youth at corner but it might be nice to add an inexpensive veteran like Webster, who can serve as an experienced backup and play special teams.

Jalen Mills and Ronald Darby are still recovering from significant injuries suffered in 2018. If they’re at risk of missing games early in 2019, it wouldn’t hurt to add a veteran like Webster.

The oldest corner on the Eagles’ roster is Josh Hawkins, who is 26. Webster is 28.

S GLOVER QUIN

I think the Eagles might be done adding safeties. Malcolm Jenkins and Rodney McLeod are the projected starters, though McLeod is coming off ACL/MCL recovery. The Eagles signed Andrew Sendejo to seemingly be their third safety. The Eagles also recently claimed Blake Countess and his $2 million salary off waivers.

There’s been talk (including from myself) that the Eagles could cut Sendejo to save a fourth-round comp pick and $800,000. I’m not going to dismiss that possibility. But it might not have to come to that. If the Eagles use the May 7 tender to get Wis and/or Ajayi to count TOWARDS their comp pick formula, they won’t need to cut Sendejo to save a fourth-round pick. So we’ll see how that goes.

If the Eagles do want to add a safety who doesn’t impact their comp pick formula, Quin could be of interest as the team’s new version of Corey Graham. The Lions originally signed Quin while Schwartz was Detroit’s head coach. At 33, Quin’s best days are behind him. It’s also not like the Eagles have needed to wait to sign him since he was cut by the Lions earlier this offseason. Still, I’ll mention him here due to the Sendejo comp pick consideration.

I’ll also give honorable mention to Tre Boston, who is still on the market for some reason. I’m guessing he’s hoping for a bigger role than Philly could reasonably offer.

RB DARREN SPROLES

Sproles previously said he was going to make his decision to retire or not in May. Well, it’s May now. The feeling here is that Sproles would like to play in 2019. I also feel like Pederson would like to have Sproles back. But I’m not so sure the front office will be eager to pay a 36-year-old running back who’s only been able to play in nine games the past two years due to injury.

...

Who do you want the Eagles to sign?

Source: https://www.bleedinggreennation.com/2019/5/7/18535111/nfl-free-agents-best-available-list-2019-philadelphia-eagles-ezekiel-ansah-derrick-morgan-news-ajayi

[lawsonalfred94]

How Can I Increase My Height After 20 Naturally Stunning Tips

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When Did Ed Get Taller Than Winry

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