#i’m so indecisive i love sh but i’m like 60% through it and i don’t want it to end!!!!!!! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mikeyd1986 · 7 years ago

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 72, October 2017

"Overcoming self-doubt is all about believing we're enough and letting go of what the world says we're supposed to be and supposed to call ourselves." The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr. Brene Brown (p. 115)

On Monday morning, I participated in the Do It In A Dress charity event at UFT PLAYgrounds in Berwick. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to this event but most of it was self-generated inside my head. I’ve had self-confidence issues most of my life so wearing a dress in public is a massive step up for me. I’m putting myself out of my comfort zone, supporting an important cause and being a part of something bigger than myself. I ended up putting about $10-15 in small change into the money box plus I made an online donation a few weeks ago.

Past Michael would have caved into the fear and ran for the hills (Fear of being laughed at by others, fear of being embarrassed or humiliated, fear of being rejected or socially excluded). But Present Michael is much stronger than that and the reality is that most of those things won’t actually happen. Every personal trainer, coach and client will be wearing a dress of some kind so therefore I won’t be standing out for all the wrong reasons. Plus this event is meant to be fun.

The event was organised by personal trainer Sheena Mabilangan. The aim is to raise money towards educating young girls in Uganda and Sierra Leone who can’t afford to go to school or aren’t allowed to simply because they are born a girl. So the idea is to wear a dress for the girls who can’t. You can find out more information about the cause and the Do It In A Dress event here: http://www.doitinadress.com/

WARM-UP...So this morning I did my usual flowing sequence of yoga stretches...thread the needle, pigeon pose (10 on each side) plus five minutes standing on the balance board. I decided to vent my frustrations about work to Luke because it was still plaguing my mind from yesterday. It was a very exhausting and stressful day for me but I got through it without having a mental breakdown or bawling my eyes out.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I worked on my single back squats, doing 5 sets of 1’s and getting up to 95kg. I got myself a little confused at the start as I wasn’t sure if we were doing 4’s, 2’s or 1’s. But the biggest challenge for me was keeping my chest lifted up during the ascent. Part of it was a mental battle of being able to handle the pressure of the weight on my back but eventually I got it. It was just navigating the period of adjustment to lifting a heavier weight than normal and concentrating on getting my form correct. But I was still very proud of my efforts.

WORKOUT...Today’s workout involved doing 3 rounds of the following movements: 20m sled push, 10 squats, 20m sled pull, 10 squats and a 200m run. Whilst the first of the workout was definitely tough from a strength and fatigue perspective, the run was the thing that got me the most. I do feel like I am making some significant improvements though. Remembering to breathe, keeping my chest lifted up and arms in a swinging motion. But eventually, I just run out of gas and that’s when the heavy panting and breathlessness begins. Still I managed to smash the workout and that’s what really matters. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

On Monday night, I decided to take a second bite of the cherry and came down for an Ultimate Bootcamp session at UFT PLAYgrounds in Berwick. By this point, I was feeling rather worn out and mentally exhausted from the weekend and this morning, but I was determined to put myself out there again in my One Girl school dress. I know that most people at UFT are more than happy to put themselves out there and having an extroverted personality certainly helps but for me, it’s certainly a lot more challenging exposing myself like this.

But everyone today has been really supportive and encouraging about the cause and the way I look in the dress. The last thing I wanted was to be put down, mocked and laughed at. But that’s what anxiety does...creates the worst possible scenario inside your head when the reality is it’s probably not going to happen. Like I said to Luke Davey this morning, just tell that fear to fuck off!

This was my first time doing an Ultimate Bootcamp class at UFT. I was feeling a little nervous as there was a lot of other classes happening at the same time. It was just a small group tonight which I was comfortable with. We warmed up by playing a game of stick master followed by flip the tyre. I found both of these really fun and thankfully this helped to release some awkward social tension I was having.

Next we had to do 3 rounds of: 1 minute row, 1 minute rest, 200m run, 1 minute rest. I’ve never really been a competitive person even in a group training environment. In fact, the most important advice I’ve ever received is this “Don’t worry about anyone else. The only person you should be competing against is yourself.” I was having some issues keeping up at times but I didn’t care. I just did the best I could to keep a good, consistent pace.

The workout involved a 25 minute AMRAP including 50 kettle bell swings, 50 kettle bell lunges, 50 burpees and 50 hollow rocks. This workout absolutely killed me. First of all, I’ve never done a 25 minute AMRAP before tonight so that in itself was a huge challenge for me. Then there was the mental pressure, fatigue and struggle to keep going. It got harder and harder for me to hold that kettle bell up but I didn’t give up.

I got kinda sensitive towards the end but reminded myself not to take things personally. There were times when I really needed to rest in between reps because I was physically exhausted and burning out. I honestly didn’t care what anyone thought because I was still giving it 110% effort even during the last few minutes. I AM GOOD ENOUGH! And I should be proud of myself for not only getting through this workout but the whole day in general. http://www.uftplaygrounds.com.au/ul...

On Tuesday afternoon, I had my third appointment with Dr. Yasmin Baliz at CNS: Comprehensive Neuropsychological Services in Narre Warren. Today was my final day of assessment for the Autism Spectrum Disorder and thankfully it was nowhere near as stressful or brain-straining as last week’s session was. I had to fill in a number of questionnaires ranging from 30-60 questions each as well as another verbal response test.

The first questionnaire was the DASS (Depression Anxiety Stress Scales) which thankfully I’ve done before with a previous psychologist. This was all about measuring my moods and emotional states. There were two other paper questionnaires which had the options of: Strongly agree, slightly agree, slightly disagree, strongly disagree. The statements were all situation based and if it applies to me. I also had to do an online questionnaire featuring the options: Never, sometimes and always. http://www2.psy.unsw.edu.au/dass/ov...

Some of the questions where only hard because I tend to get indecisive about which option to pick and whether it’s the correct response for me but you just have to go with your gut and try to be as honest as possible. The verbal response test was mostly easy but at times I do have trouble explaining myself or coming up with a coherent answer inside my head. Part of it is certainly overthinking but the other part is finding the right words to say. But Dr. Yasmin was patient and allowed me time to think if I needed to.

And now it’s a 3 week wait until my final feedback session whilst Dr. Yasmin prepares my report. It was also a huge relief to know that I am able to pay the report off in installments rather than in full. $500 is a lot of money to fork out but I do believe that it’s worth it in terms of improving my social skills, personal development and emotional well-being going forward into the future. And if Dr. Yasmin can offer me any additional support services to help me then I’m all the better for doing this. http://www.cnspsych.com.au/

On Wednesday morning, I had my second Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. It was a challenging day for me considering I was still recovering from Monday. The soreness in my lower back became a huge distraction for me and unfortunately it gave my inner critic plenty of opportunity to kick off and make the session harder than it should have been.

WARM-UP...I felt that it was really important to be up front with Luke about the soreness and pain I was still experiencing in my lower back before starting. So he got me to roll out and do some pretzel stretches to help release and ease some of the discomfort. I also did 3 rounds of 12 single arm balancing deadlifts with the kettle bell. The pain started flaring up again towards the end of the second round and I was beginning to get frustrated.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I worked on my single deadlifts, doing 4 sets of 1’s at 105kg and one set of 1’s at 110kg. I was really struggling hard even putting the plates on the bar and starting at 40-60kg. The negative thoughts began flooding in as the soreness began to intensify in my back (God this must be so painful for Luke to watch. This is not my best performance at all. I’m taking far too long and even lifting 60kg is really hard for me today. I don’t think I can do this).

But thankfully I managed to silence my inner critic and somehow find the fire within. It was really tough but with Luke’s help, I managed to slowly shift my mindset, get the posture correct, chalked up my hands, put maximum effort into my deadlift and feel confident about it. Luke knew that I was capable of lifting more and so I smashed out a single 110kg deadlift which is a PB for me. I could have lifted heavier but knew that this was my limit for today and next time I’m sure I could hit 115-120kg.

On Thursday morning, Mum and I went down to do some shopping at IKEA Springvale. I absolutely love visiting IKEA mainly because I see it more as an adventure rather just a typical “just looking” shopping experience. The layout of the departments is very unique compared to most other large retailers with a top level dedicated to showrooms and interior displays and the bottom level dedicated to homewares, lighting, decor and furniture.

It’s one of those things I only do a couple of times per year and I find that they’re always changing the layout and introducing new products into the store as well as traditional IKEA staples. You start by “borrowing” a large yellow bag and a trolley, and move your way from one section to the next. There was plenty of bargains and cheap impulse purchases to be had...artificial plants, candles, coat hangers, dish brushes, lamps, bath mats, peelers, spray bottles, watering cans, throw rugs, cushions, towels, lint rollers, drinking glasses etc.

The IKEA Restaurant and Cafe is very American Cafeteria styled as you grab a food tray and work your way along the different cabinets...desserts, drinks, hot food, pastries, coffee and tea. Being close to Christmas, there was a festive promo area set up in front of the checkouts with everything from wrapping paper and napkins to decorations, lights and soft toys. And of course, Mum and I could leave before having a $1 hotdog. http://www.ikea.com/au/en/store/spr...

On Thursday night, I went to my Water Workout class at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. As usual, I decided to spend about 20-30 minutes before the class doing some hydrotherapy on my lower back to ease off any soreness and release any tension. I’ve also started contemplating using the sauna on a more regular basis. The most important thing about sitting in a sauna is to gradually build up heat tolerance over time. Tonight, 5-10 minutes was enough for me but I did my best to relax and embrace the humidity inside the room. https://www.naturalhealthmag.com.au/...

Tonight’s class was run by fitness instructor Janine and it was a small class of only 6 people. The structure was a little different to previous classes in that all the exercises were done using basic interval training in mind...50 seconds of work, 10 seconds of rest. We did several aqua movements including: jogging, rock ‘n’ roll, mermaid, ski poles, star jumps, tuck jumps, pendulum, donkey kicks and running. http://woman.thenest.com/water-aero...

On Friday morning, I had my third Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. I still have mixed feelings about my progress and performance today. My emotions definitely got in the way particularly during the workout and certain things really got me down after leaving. But at least I can say that I put 110% effort into it. Every struggle is real for me. I don’t put it on and I don’t bullshit. But that doesn’t mean I’m weak either. This is something that I genuinely hope Luke recognises in me.

WARMUP...Today I started by doing some stretches into my shoulders and pectoral muscles on each side before doing 3 rounds of 10 plank holds with shoulder lifts. I also did 2 rounds of 10 kettle bell overhead lifts.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I returned to doing dumbbell bench press, 5 rounds of 8 reps at 30kg (15kg x 2). I started off really shaky and found it hard controlling the movement of the dumbbells but over time, I was slowly getting better at it.

WORKOUT...There was so much going on physically and mentally for me during this workout that I didn’t even think I could finish it at one point. I did four rounds of the following: 350 row, 20 pushups, 15 ring rows and 10 box jumps. I was absolutely fine on the rowing machine. It was more of a mental challenging of wondering if I was going fast enough and being able to handle the fatigue building up.

The pushups were easily the hardest for me. I did really well during the first two rounds before things became almost too much for me. I was getting very hard on myself for collapsing onto the foam mat and missing reps. Tears were mixing in with sweat as I contemplated whether I could finish this or not. I was worried about disappointing Luke and basically felt embarrassed about my performance. I just struggled heaps with it.

The ring rows were really tough also but nowhere near as bad as the pushups. I did have to stop a few times to recover and shake the physical fatigue out but otherwise I did well. The box jumps were easily my strongest area. No longer did I feel anxious about tripping over the box or letting the height intimidate me. The fire within really unleashed here as I literally stomped onto the box. I think it was me releasing a lot of pent up negative emotions and saying “I can fucking do this” with my body language.

On Friday afternoon, Mum and I visited the Cat Cafe Melbourne in the city. Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about replacement buses or rushing to get there on time. I really wanted to use my hour session wisely and let it all sink in. The cat’s there are all so beautiful and for the most part placid. This was exactly what I needed after how upset and stressed I was feeling about my training session this morning. A welcome distraction to wind myself down.

They had a selection of slices, cakes and biscuits all with cat designs on them as well as some coffees and teas. There is also a gift shop downstairs which sold everything from toys, cat nip and a drinking fountain to notebooks, magnets, pens, diaries, games and plush soft toys. I really enjoyed myself today and I’m glad that my friend Amy Amy suggested this place to me. Highly recommended for all cat lovers. https://catcafemelbourne.com/

“In my defense, all my intentions were good. And heaven knows a place somewhere for the misunderstood. You know I'd give you blood if it'd be enough...For what it's worth, I'm sorry for the hurt. I'll be the first to say, I made my own mistakes. For what it's worth, I know it's just a word and words betray. Sometimes we lose our way.” Liam Gallagher - For What It’s Worth (2017)

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