#i’m planning on playing as ghost in wildwoods

[meta-knight-is-bisexual]

shout out to cattails and cattails wildwood story i haven’t been able to get my hands on wildwood yet but i’ve been watching others play it and it looks great <<33 plus it got me back into cattails itself lol, so i drew arthur and my character :]]

this is bat (me when i name another self insert character bat) she uses all pronouns and founded the bay colony! they joined the mountain domain originally and married arthur <<33

anyways arthur <<33 i need to redesign their kids soon, especially cause i’m going to play as one of them when i get wildwood, but these two are good enough. super fucking proud of how arthur came out btw, i had a lot of fun with his face. he used he/they to me,,, littol weirdo (he could kill me i think)

[marvellousimagines]

Requested by crystalrose36

“Who is that?” the voice came to you as if through a fog. Your whole body felt like it was weighed down with lead, as though coming out of a particularly deep sleep.

“I-I don’t- I thought-” someone else stammered, and you recognized that voice. Your mind was as slow to wake up as the rest of you, however, so you couldn’t quite place it yet. He called your name, a question, as if unsure of who you really were.

“Ngh, what?” you managed to croak out, feeling like you haven’t used your vocal cords in ages. Finally you forced your eyes open, blinking until they managed to focus.

You were in a cocoon of wood and leaves. A very familiar-feeling cocoon, its life energy connected to yours. Your Titan, Wildwood Druid, formed a protective barrier around you. The front of the cocoon was open, four figures staring down at you: a boy with blond hair blinking curiously at you, a girl with light pink hair trying to examine the titan still around you, a woman slightly older than the two teenagers who gave the appearance of being uninterested. And in the front of the group was a very familiar face, looking like he'd seen a ghost. He looked a bit older than you remember, but that was definitely Dante Vale.

“Dante?” you asked, rubbing at your eyes to make sure they weren’t playing tricks on you. “What… happened?”

“You vanished. You’ve been gone for years, I… I didn’t know what happened to you,” Dante said, reaching for you to help you out of your Titan cocoon. You took his hand and let him pull you up, but your legs were weak and wobbly so you had to lean on Dante for support, the blonde boy coming up on your other side to help keep you on your feet.

“I’m not sure either,” you replied, deep in thought. Once out of your cocoon, the Titan shifted back into her usual humanoid form, though stayed out of her amulet and seemed wary. “The Foundation said I’d be able to handle the mission by myself, so I went. There was… a Titan. A massive one. Pain. Then… it was like I was asleep. I don’t think I was injured.”

“It seems the Foundation under-estimated whatever situation they sent you into here. Wildwood Druid apparently had to shield you from whatever it was, which put the both of you into stasis. When you didn’t come back, I was upset at the Foundation for sending you off alone,” Dante said, a quiet anger showing through his words. “I might have a few more words for them once we get back.”

“So, Dante, are you going to introduce us to your friend here?” the younger of the two girls asked. She had been keeping out of the way of the reunion, but it seems her curiosity got the better of her.

“Oh, right,” Dante said with a sheepish grin. He gave your name to the group, before introducing his new team in turn, “Lok, Sophie, and back there is Zhalia.”

You tried to wave, but that felt like a little too much effort for your body right now, so you just smiled and gave a nod of greeting. “Pleasure to meet all of you,” you said, but you couldn’t help but think one person was missing from your little reunion. “So, where’s DeFoe?”

Dante tensed beside you, and the two teenagers looked at you like you’d grown a second head. Zhalia just quirked an eyebrow as she glanced in your direction. “What?” you asked.

“DeFoe… he’s not like you remember him anymore,” Dante said. He glanced around before guiding you over to a fallen tree to sit on the log. Apparently this was a conversation you needed to be sitting for.

“Hold on, you used to be FRIENDS with DeFoe?” Lok asked in disbelief, and you wondered just how much you’d missed.

Dante waved for the other three to sit down too, and you could see him trying to plan out how to explain the situation to both his current team and to you. “Y/N, DeFoe and I were all friends, back in high school. We joined the Foundation soon after, going on missions for them,” Dante explained to the rest of his team. “When Y/N disappeared, DeFoe… blamed the Foundation and me. I was supposed to go with, but I was called away on an urgent matter so Y/N was sent alone.” He then turned to you. “DeFoe quit the Foundation. He was bitter, and he joined the Organization. He wants to bring the Foundation down, and me personally.”

Your heart sank as you thought of your two closest friends mourning you when you weren’t actually dead. How that tore the two of them apart, and sent DeFoe on a darker path. He always seemed a little resentful of Dante, but you didn’t think…

“I want to see him,” you decided. “If my disappearance turned him into an enemy, then maybe my return will bring him back too?”

Dante sighed. “I’m afraid it probably won’t be that easy,” he said. “If you stick around with us, you’ll see DeFoe again before long. But before that, you need to rest.” He looked up at Wildwood Druid. “You too,” he added with a small smile.

You gave a single nod of acknowledgement, the Titan doing so as well at the same time before disappearing back into her amulet.

“Let me help you back to where we’ve set up camp,” Dante offered, standing up and helping you up alongside him.

[cara-terra-pace]

Rich Neighbors Au Part 3: Bye Bye Miss Parisian Pie

Part 1 Part 2 The Gabrieling Procrastination Art Rich Neighbors Vine Animatic

-Oh my watermelon kids

-they are finally in America!!!

-First stop: Trash City!

-oops sorry NYC, sorry, they just sound the same when I say them out loud so I get them confused sometimes :)

-(I’m kidding New Yorkers don’t kill me please)

-okay, okay, getting off topic.

-so they’re in New York

-they’re just kind of wandering and they end up running into the Elmos.

-Mari was almost pulled into a hug with one and Felix had to drag her out of the way, saving her from the creep

-they then immediately booked it to a restaurant, hoping that would give them a bit of a reprieve.

-Hard Rock Cafe was the one they picked, Nino’s choice, obviously.

-Marinette gushed over the mini milkshakes for like ten minutes.

-someone ended up recognizing them. They took a picture, posted it on twitter and now BOOM

-every single one of their fans and customers know exactly where they are.

-but ANYWAY

-they’re in nyc, why not go to a broadway show?

-Six. They go to see Six. Don’t @ me, I like six and I thought Marinette and Nino would both enjoy it

-Mari is LIVING for their outfits.

-Nino is also loving every minute.

-They’re in the front and Nino is basically grinning the whole show but during Heart of Stone you can see him tear up a bit.

-Felix actually enjoys it. He shoves all the thoughts of historical inaccuracies out of his head and mostly just listens to Mari ramble about the outfits.

-Adrien vibes with Seymour honestly. And Parr. And basically all the queens.

-Nathalie likes the show too, mostly because it’s a nice break for her and the songs are pretty catchy too

-for Mega Six, Mari is filming and all the queens look directly into her camera

-they also take it and dance on stage with her phone, filming everything

-Mari is about to faint. Doesn’t matter that she’s technically famous, she is DEAD

-they don’t see her face when they take and give back the phone so when she comes backstage afterwards with the gang, at first they just recognize her hair and see her as the girl who was filming the Mega Six

-then they see her face and the costume designer is trying so hard not to squeal, oblivious to the fact that she’s doing the exact same thing.

-Mari is absolutely gushing to them about how great the show was

-She tells Parr that her song was what kept her going in school, since she’s listened to the Broadway and West End soundtracks about a billion times. (Pretend like the broadway one is already out time is a construct with rich people)

-side note, they post the pictures and video and suddenly A BUNCH of Six fans are now following Mari and now Mari is designing outfits inspired by the queens because AH THE COSTUMES ARE GORGEOUS I COULD TALK ABOUT THEM FOR DAYS I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

-fun fact, they are all wearing a “If Found, Please Return to Nathalie” shirt

-Felix is adorable and bought Mari some hair pins with watermelons because Watermelon Kids

-yes Nathalie has a shirt that says “I’m Nathalie”

-they actually did lose Adrien and these two girls were able to return him to Nathalie and they all took a pic with them and followed the two on Twitter

-they don’t know what else to do in New York, so they just make their way down to...

-New Jersey!

-Seaside Boardwalk!!

-they mostly stick to the arcades, Mari sticking to casino pier, and them getting fries and lemonade as a snack.

-they spend the night at the boardwalk, going on a few rides like Moby Dick, and Pirate’s Cove.

-they spend the night at a house of a friend of Tom Dupain’s and the next day, they go to the Ocean County mall because it was close to the house.

-Adrien complained a bit about going to “the least cool mall in the state” but stopped when he found a five below at the plaza.

-five below is his weakness.

-mall, fun, yada yada yada

-bath and body works is inside? Mari’s in heaven.

-Friendly’s for lunch! Ice cream all around my friends!

-that afternoon they go to laser tag and completely dominated.

-Twins on one team, Watermelon Kids on the other.

-for some reason (the reason is called because I said so) they decide to go down to another boardwalk further south.

-on the way they go to lobster house for lunch (lobster house is amazing I don’t even really like it for the food it’s just the VIBES. they are. immaculate.)

-they go to Wildwood and ohhh

-Nino and Adrien are living it up on the rides

-rollercoaster, log flume, submarine ride slash game thingy!

-they’re doing it all

-and Felix and Mari are being so cute and domestic winning each other things at the games

-and then the arcade, where Felix is hopeless at Skeeball and ends up slipping and Mari helps him up while trying not to laugh

-can I just say that I think Mari is probably really good at claw machines?

-she has some weird sort of luck when she’s playing and she’ll always end up winning a prize

-they spend the night at a cute little hotel and the next day they go mini golfing

-now this is where Felix for some reason shines

-Mari keeps losing her golf ball and having to go search for it

-Adrien and Nino are both mediocre at it.

-Adrien got a hole in one and he and Nino screamed and Nino picked him up and spun him around

-they also got ice cream at said mini golf place

-Khor’s is just...*chefs kiss*. They all got the orange and vanilla swirl because I said so and it’s a Khor’s classic

-Felix picks an Italian place for dinner that night. It’s called Little Italy and it’s pretty good.

-and, that’s a wrap for New Jersey! Next...

-alllll the way down to.... North Carolina!

-they spend only a day in North Carolina, but they do go to these caves.

-and also, this place with food that’s mainly made of... alligator?

-basically, it’s a rest day.

-Mari gets SUPER inspired and buys fabric to make a jacket inspired by the caves and honestly it’s gorgeous because she used not only the tan of the rocks, but the beautiful blues of the water.

-NATHALIE BREAK

-she’s so tired but she’s having so much fun with her boys!!!

-she actually feels pretty well rested a few days into the trip.

-Nathalie can’t help but fuss over the kids

-and coo at their cuteness when they do cute things

-She and Mari always share a room

-and the three boys share a room

-Nathalie helps Mari do complicated braids because she’s super good at those and Mari can only do a basic braid.

-next!

-South Carolina!

-specifically Charleston.

-ghost tout ghost tour ghost tour

-“and this is the building where a dude saw the ship that held all his crops sink. He then proceeded to-“

-it gets graphic in that moment and Marinette is having fun but also isn’t a fan of thinking of... uh, head not being on body???

-pirates!!! They go into this cave thingy and see piratey stuff, which is entertaining for everyone because it’s creepy in the cave, which Mari enjoys, PIRATES, which Adrino enjoys, and history for the grumpy Felix

-it’s quiet and everyone’s happy, which Nathalie is living for.

-they mostly just walk around looking at pretty things the next day

-rainbow row rainbow row

-Mari is so inspired that she buys a cheap sketchbook from target just so she can get all these ideas down

-she desperately wants to sew but she has to wait since they don’t have access to a sewing machine.

-so, they eat at a sandwich shop before hitting the road.

-they make a quick stop in Georgia, laugh at a sign that lists the marvel movies made in Georgia, then leave.

-(sorry Georgia. I’m sure you’re a very nice state but I’ve had limited interaction with the state besides passing through and sometimes stopping to eat lunch.)

-this is the thing they’re very excited for!!!

-Florida!

-specifically, Orlando

-that’s right, DISNEY WORLD.

-they are spending a whole week here.

-that’s right, 7 days of fun.

-day 1, animal kingdom because they get there in the afternoon and there isn’t as much they want to see in animal kingdom. They have loads of fun though and are planning on dropping by another day for the first half of the day.

-next day is Magic Kingdom

-they go on so many rides.

-small world is Adrien’s favorite ride, don’t @ me.

-Casey’s Corner is where they get lunch because Mari loves the aesthetic.

-MINNIE EARS ALL AROUND

-Marinette has a different one for every outfit

-Aristocats ears!!!

-she can’t explain why she loves it, she just DOES.

-for their last day (yeah this is out of order but who cares) they park hop, ending in magic kingdom and staying for the fireworks. Our favorite designer wears these lovely light up ears

-when they went to animal kingdom on the first day you KNOW Mari had some cute ears

-shh don’t tell the boys and Nathalie but Felix actually asked Mari to be his girlfriend when they were in Hollywood studios

-they walked off together, and sat on a bench somewhere sharing a snack

-our extra boy asked if she could be his girlfriend with matching beauty and the beast rings

-Mari said yes and she smiled soooo much.

-it’s kind of hard to explain everything so let’s just talk about the interesting stuff!!

-Marinette VIBES with the princesses oh my god

-TIANA INSPIRED OUTFIT PLEASE

-Disney is V fun but... sorry boys, it’s time for Marinette to get some sewing done! (Also I’m kind of bored of writing Disney this took several weeks bc I would write like a sentence a day lol)

-CALIFORNIA TIME

-they do go for one day in Disneyland but most of it’s spent going to get some inspiration for Mari.

-fabric stores fabric stores.

-that girl is sketching and coming up with ideas like her life DEPENDS ON IT

-inspiration explosion

-also some normal Knick knack shopping, so Mari gets some time away from staring down at her tablet and sketchbook.

-resting and just going to try all different sorts of normal, causal restaurants

-living the life

-also, Felix and Mari go on their first date. I say first date Very Loosely because it’s actually them sitting in Mari’s hotel room eating pizza and watching a movie and though they both consider it a date, they want to have a cute, cliche first date when they back home.

-Speaking of home...

-They are about to fly back to Paris when they get a message from Jess, one of the girls who found Adrien in NY.

-It was a message from her asking if she could check her latest tweet.

-it was a recording of Jess playing guitar, the song (an instrumental version of Miraculous but slightly modified) being wonderfully sweet. Aeon, the other girl, was also in the video, humming along to Jess. At the end, Jess dedicated the video the them and they both gushed about how nice they were in person and that both of them had waited until they had the arrangement ready before they posted it on social media.

-it thawed even Felix’s icy heart.

-and as they flew back to Paris, Nathalie couldn’t help but think of what a perfectly wonderful trip it had been. Minus... the accidents.

-But there’s no need to talk about that here.

-They reach Paris safe and sound, and Marinette takes a long, long nap right before she goes into creative mode and sews all the outfits she had sketched. Advantages of being rich, you know? You don’t have to worry about fabric price.

-While Mari was sewing, everyone else was also slowing down.

-And gearing up to go back to school

-*dramatic music*

-What will happen next? Even I have no idea!

.......

It’s almost like.... I exist??? Haha, but seriously, sorry for sort of going MIA??? I finally finished this, mostly by getting lazy towards the end. Yes, before you say it, I don’t hate NYC. It’s cool there, I just love making fun of it and the fact the special cam eout a few days ago is just pure irony. All of those links should work, so you can actually buy the Disney things I’m talking about! If they aren’t, please tell me so I can fix them. Next up is the Nathalie mentioned “Accidents”. That should take way less time because I’m going to go with the tried and true method of “Make stuff up and hope it makes sense”. I say should because you never know with me, I’m a mess ❤️❤️❤️

Tag list: @bigpicklebananatree @kris-pines04 @animegirlweeb @akana-sama @insomniac-nerd-posts-things @virgolioness @goblinwhoships @toastlover21 @buginetye

[captialrogers]

Hey guys!

For hitting my first 100 followers and my 25th birthday, I’ve decided to host a writing challenge! I wanted to celebrate with something that I love and would want to participate in. If you want to join message me with your chosen prompt, song, or theme and I will add you! Two per prompt, song, or theme. That being said, let’s jump right in!

Due date: January 18th, 2019

Rules:

1. Don’t have to be following me, but it would be super awesome if you did.

2. Reader inserts, but can be written in any AU, Spin-off, etc. All genres welcome, just make sure you are the legal age to write 18+ material!

3. Minimum 500 words. If you start a series, please make sure that the first instalment is posted before or on the due date! Use a ‘keep reading’ for anything over 500 words, please!

4. Reference the song or prompt you’ve chosen. Could be in the title, used in the dialogue, or simply inspired by it.

5. Tag me and use #allthefeelsWC

6. Doesn’t have to be for Marvel. Let me know beforehand if you chose a different Fandom and I will tell you if I follow it or not. More than likely, I will say yes, I’m open to new shows/movies/characters!

7. Most importantly, have fun! There is no pressure and if something comes up, please let me know! The due date is mostly to hold me accountable for posting my own on time. Otherwise, it’s flexible, as long as you let me know or talk to me.

Songs: 

Angel - Joseph of Mercury

Rest - Verte

High Like This - Kevin George

A Little Death - The Neighbourhood @prettyyoungtragedy with Bucky Barnes

Daddy Won’t You Please Come Home - Annette Hanshaw

Moonrise - Wildwood

Hate Me - Eurielle

Memories Are Now - Jesca Hoop

Night Flowers - Lo Ghost

Baptize - RKCB

Killing Me To Love You - Vancouver Sleep Clinic

A Sweeter Place - Svrcina @captialrogers with Daryl Dixon

Themes/AUs:

Soulmate

End of the World/Post-apocalyptic

Time Travel

College @thedevilwearsvibranium with Pietro Maximoff

Unrequited/Mutual Pining

Supernatural

Star-Crossed

Missed Connection

Historial

Arranged Marriage

Friends to Lovers/Enemies to Lovers @avengersbarnes with Stucky

Fake Dating @tonysangels with Steve Rogers

Dialogue Prompts:

“My clothes look better on you than they do on me.” @thee-seb-stan with Bucky Barnes

“You should play with my hair some more.”

“You have no idea how much I want you right now.” @captain-rogers-beard with Steve Rogers

“Dance with me.” @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan with Clint Barton

“You’ve been drinking tonight, haven’t you?” @littlemarvelfics with Steve Rogers

“I can’t stand the thought of losing you.” @elismiche with Bucky Barnes

“It’s okay to doubt what you’ve been made to believe.“

“I see everything, everything, and it’s my curse.“

“You can’t fix yourself by breaking someone else.“

“Hi, I’m calling about your ad?“ @kiaorasteph with Carter Baizen

“Do you trust me?“ @hellaradbros 

“Sorry, I thought you were someone else.“ @cappletini with Eddie Brock

Mutuals I thought might want to join or could spread the word: @tonysangels @cappletini @avengersbarnes @ballyhoobarnes @prettyyoungtragedy @captainquicksoldierimagines

[blogobot5000]

ALL: Cheers! (They drink)

GWEN: So… Cleo – what was it that happened in that little hell of online dating for you?

CLEO: Do we really want to hear this?

EVE: Absolutely. We’ve been sharing away – but you …

BONNIE: (Bluntly) You haven’t said shit!

CLEO: Okay, miss sunshine and rainbows. Here it is: why I take online dating with a grain of salt.

GWEN: And she salty...

CLEO: Oh, one hundred percent.

BONNIE: Go on –

EVE: Tell us!

CLEO: Alright… so. We all know that I was with Carson all through college and we were hopeless in love and blah, blah, blah but it didn’t work out, yada, yada – well. When we eventually, inevitably broke up, I gave it a shot. It was a few months in I got a message:

MAN: Cleo!? Do you remember me? We went to middle school together. Long time.

CLEO: Mind you. No where on my profile had my name or any hints to my name. Or my exact home town, which he had referenced. (To MAN) Um… Sorry, I do not recognize you. Do you mind telling me your name as well since you seem to recognize me?

MAN: It’s Chris. We went to middle school together at Wildwood Creek Junior High. WWCJH!

EVE: Is that where you went?

CLEO: You betcha.

BONNIE: Oy.

MAN: Why don’t we meet up and you give me a blowjob?

CLEO: I did not recognize his photo. There were about six Chris’ in my class. I had no clue who this guy was… and yet:

MAN: Why don’t we meet? It’ll be a good time. You can just give me a quick one. I know a great spot. Do you still live in town? It’s an easy drive, it’ll be a great time-

CLEO: Still – I persisted he tell me his last name. After countless efforts and responses which only resulted in him pushing a blowjob, he told me:

MAN: Chris Murphy!

CLEO: A brief memory flashed in my brain of seventh grade versions of me and him in the hallway, heading to science class. That is all I recalled of him. This guy from my childhood who I barely know! We never kept in touch but for some reason he recognized me and in that moment he thought “what better way to make a pass than to remain anonymous and then offer oral sex.” I tore into him. How it was so disrespectful, creepy, and not okay. In what world would I feel safe to meet up with someone who was talking to me in this way? I told him how every single thing he said was unacceptable and how he should never do it to any other person again. That is NOT a way to get a person to hook up with another.

EVE: (Timidly, but curious) What did he say?

CLEO: Oh, I never heard from him again.

GWEN: He probably didn’t like being called on his shit.

CLEO: Probably not, no. (Takes a drink) OH! And then there was Steve.

GWEN: Oh boy…

EVE: Steve?

CLEO: Steve was my first “boyfriend.” I was fifteen… he was eighteen… and his mom was not a fan, apparently. We started dating on a Thursday night, via phone call, of course-

BONNIE: How romantic

CLEO: Held hands in school on Friday and Saturday morning… well, back in the days of AIM and Razor phones… I went up to the trusty desktop (Charading typing on a computer, a sunnier, more innocent version of herself) Hey, Steve – good morning

MAN: Hi

CLEO: How did you sleep?

MAN: Fine.

CLEO: How are you?

MAN: Eh. BRB.

CLEO: Um… okay. (After a moment, gets up and walks) And I had this gut feeling that something was up… so I got my trusty Razor phone. (Looks down) One new voicemail. (She opens it up to listen to it)

VOICEMAIL: Hi Cleo… this is Steve’s mom. Look, I think you’re a lovely girl and all but I have a strict rule that Steve cannot date anyone younger than the age of sixteen. I’m sorry for that, he cannot date you any longer.

CLEO: (Dramatically) Tragedy struck! My fifteen year old heart ripped into pieces!

BONNIE: Woof.

CLEO: Only to find a month or two later that Steve started to date Linda… my friend who was… drumroll (EVE and GWEN drumroll on the table) Who wants to guess how old?

BONNIE: Sixteen?

CLEO: Fourteen!

BONNIE: Wow.

CLEO: So, it became clear that it wasn’t his mom that had an issue since she was thrilled that he and Linda were together as shown by her buying Linda flowers for the prom that year-

EVE: Aw, poor little Cleo.

CLEO: Hah! Bullet dodged for poor little Cleo. Because guess who has found me not ONCE, not TWICE but THREE TIMES on various social media – dating apps included- knocking down my very locked door.

MAN: Hey you. Would you like to go on a date with me? I have a poetry contest coming up. I have a girlfriend, but I only met her once and my mom is insisting I break up with her. It’s Steve from high school.

CLEO: No response. And then, on a completely different site:

MAN: I would love to practice photography with you. Hey. I love snakes too. They are my favorite animal. They truly are. Cleo. Will you go on a date with me? Hey. Are you there?

CLEO: No thanks. I am not interested.

MAN: Are you sure? Sad face. Cleo. Okay.

CLEO: There were other times too but – yeah. You get the gist. So, I’m not so fond of the past ghosts or even present ones for that matter coming out to play on dating sites.

GWEN: (Reflective. Chuckles) ‘Are you a serial killer or an axe murderer?’ I should use that.

CLEO: Everyone should use that.

GWEN: Maybe I could have avoided Jack.

BONNIE: Well, he was a stalker. Not a serial killer.

GWEN: He could have been! If there was ever a man who would have been using women’s flesh as a lampshade, it would have been him! Ugh, and I had the red flags. He was 43 minutes late for our date.

EVE: That’s oddly specific.

GWEN: So, here’s the backstory. Jack had been in a car accident the week before. His car needed to go to the shop, so he needed a rental. Fine. Then, his rental was giving him trouble, so he needed to swap it out. I wanted to go to the Cheesecake Workshop for dinner. Work was rough and all I wanted was some key lime pie cheesecake, so I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone: meet him, get cheesecake. I arrive at the restaurant; there’s an hour and a half wait. I text him with the info and he suggests going somewhere else. Fine. First, I couldn’t find the place. The reason I couldn’t find it was because it was a fast food place IN A STRIP MALL! Fine. So, I stand outside and wait. “What’s your ETA?” I text.

MAN: 15 minutes, tops.

GWEN: So, I’m texting Bonnie and she’s telling me to leave.

BONNIE: I knew there was something off.

GWEN: 30 minutes later, I call him. He doesn’t answer, but sends a text saying,

MAN: Sorry! Traffic’s bad, be there soon.

GWEN: So, I wait. Then, another 10 minutes pass and I tell Bonnie that I’m leaving in 5 minutes if he doesn’t show up. 43 minutes in, a man walks up to me and says:

MAN: Are you Gwen?

GWEN: I’m not going to lie. In that moment, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I. Just. Knew. We get our orange trays, walk down the line, order our dry Chinese food, and find a spot tucked in the corner.

MAN: I’m sorry that I’m late. Things have been shitty.

GWEN: I’m not heartless. It’s a first date. I lean into the conversation and ask if he wants to talk about it. He goes into this heartfelt monologue about his cat dying and how much he misses her and how his life has a gaping hole without her. “I’m so sorry. Pets are part of the family and it is hard to say goodbye. When did this happen?”

MAN: Almost 3 years ago next month.

CLEO: (Spitting out water, laughing) I’m sorry?

EVE: What the fuck?

GWEN: Buckle up, ladies. This story is about to take an even sharper turn. So, I see this red flag, but ignore it and forge on with the conversation. Turns out, as a child, he and his family would go camping near where I grew up in middle-of-nowhere Pennsylvania. We talked about our families and work—he shared another fun story that involved his mom having a UTI.

CLEO: Rough.

GWEN: Then, I asked how he was feeling after his car accident. I have never regretted something more.

MAN: I feel like I can tell you anything.

GWEN: You never want a stranger to say that to you. Apparently, the week before he was out on a date with a woman he met online. Things were going well. She was funny, smart, and they supposedly immediately connected. At the end of the date, they talked about carving pumpkins together. THE NEXT DAY, he called to make good on these plans. She didn’t answer. So, he decided to go pick up some pumpkins and surprise her at this house. He texted. He called. She wasn’t picking up. He took this to mean that he should drive to her house. While driving around her block waiting for her to pick up her phone… SMASH. He was hit by a car at an intersection. He was fine and the other driver was fine, but his car was not. This motherfucker pulled into this girl’s driveway, stood on her front step, and heard the phone ringing inside the house. He was livid. He got the pumpkin out of his car and placed it on her front step as a sign that he was there. Apparently, he wanted to write a passive aggressive note on the pumpkin, but stopped himself. Like, he deserves some medal of honor!

MAN: I just, women are so mean to me. But, I can see in your eyes that you’re different.

CLEO: Yeah, when you show up at their house unannounced and unwanted, women don’t like that.

EVE: (Bursting, ‘obviously’) NO ONE LIKES THAT!

GWEN: Fortunately, I was running a 5k the next day, so I had the perfect excuse. “Oh! So sleepy! Must run in the morning—thanks for a great night!”

Man: Do you want a ride home?

GWEN: I have never been so happy to take the MBTA in my life.

BONNIE: Oh, but the story doesn’t end there!

GWEN: It doesn’t. I was texting Jack at the same time I was texting another man. He was a paralegal. We went out, there weren’t any sparks, but the conversation was nice so I was up for going out again. Here’s the problem. I put them in my phone with the dating app first, followed by their name. So, it was Tea Meets Biscut Jack and Tea Meets Biscut David. Fast forward, I’m sitting on a bench waiting for David. David was not who showed up. I fucked up and I fucked up badly.

MAN: I’m so happy to see you!

EVE: Did you leave?

GWEN: I PANICKED! So, we went in for brunch. Did I mention that he was racist? Because, he was also racist. He works with college students and continued to do impressions and make racist statements that ended with,

MAN: You know what I mean?

GWEN: So, I would respond by saying loudly, “NO! No, I don’t know what you mean!” I work in this town. People know me. I live in this town. What if he follows me home? I downed my meal so fast, while he kept trying to hold my hand and play footsies. I was sweating. But, at the end, I made it clear that there would be no third date.

CLEO: Jesus.

BONNIE: And, she called me after describing what she was last seen wearing, should he have decided to follow.

GWEN: I bumped into him at a show a few months ago. He was there with another girl. I wanted to slip her a note telling her to run, but I didn’t.

BONNIE: Proud of you.

GWEN: Aw, shucks.

CLEO: (Dryly and slightly tipsy. They are all feeling a slight buzz at this point) I once went on a date with a man who polygraphed me and compared himself to a terrorist. (They all stare at her, waiting for her to continue. Rolling her eyes, she continues to explain) He was a mechanical engineer. I began the date with what I thought would be a fun ice breaker. “If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?” For reference, I would be a writer for SNL or an aerial silks artist.

EVE: Obvs.

MAN: Probably something in my field. That I liked.

CLEO: I don’t actually know much about mechanical engineering, shocker, I know, so I asked for some elaboration.

MAN: Oh, ummm, I don’t really know.

CLEO: Don’t you have your masters in mechanical engineering?

MAN: Yeah.

CLEO: Red Flag #1: not knowing anything about the field you have spent your career studying. So, I proceed to talk about my jobs and my eclectic array of past gigs… from balloon animals to working in the pharmacy etcetera, etcetera . I layed it all out for him.

MAN: I don’t believe you.

CLEO: (Laughing, thinking he’s joking) You’re funny

MAN: Give me your arm. Look me in the eye and tell me that you’re telling the truth.

CLEO: What?

MAN: Look me in the eye and tell me that you’re telling the truth.

EVE: Did you do it?

CLEO: (Giving him her arm) Sure did. Then, I realized, he was checking my pulse. This man was checking my pulse to see if I was lying to him. HE WAS POLYGRAPHING ME! Red Flag #2. I ask him about his current job. His engineering job involves mapping out and installing fire sprinklers in large buildings.

MAN: Wearing a hardhat, they let you in anywhere. I could be a terrorist. I could walk into the building with a bomb strapped to my chest and they’d let me in. But, I don’t have the face of a terrorist, so people don’t suspect a thing.

CLEO: That’s when I started trying to flag down our waitress for the check like I was air traffic control. While waiting, he shared a story about how he hopes to write adult comic books about plant superheroes where the pesticides are the villains.

GWEN: Wait—adult comic books, as in adult target audience? Or… plant porn?

CLEO: You think I was waiting around for answers like that? The check hit the table. My money hit the table. My feet hit the ground. Then, because of how the universe works, we both had to walk to the T together. TOGETHER! Fortunately, there was a Red Sox game and they won. So, I easily wedged myself into the sea of red and white never to see him again.

EVE: Baseball saves the day!

CLEO: Yay sports.

GWEN: And thus, the Polygraph Serial Killer was born!

BONNIE: (Spitting out or choking on her water in laughter/shock) THE WHAT?!

GWEN: You know, The Polygraph Serial Killer! The guy- from the story! You know when like, you go on a date with someone and something happens where that becomes their identity almost. Like… eventually you just forget their name and then they’re just ‘The Polygraph Serial Killer’ forever.

BONNIE: Ah, yeah. I have one of those.

GWEN: Just one?! Hah! How when we’ve already named like 8,000 tonight?! Even now! Casino man… Dude from the food court… Gas station creep…

CLEO: And there’s so many more…(to EVE) remember French guy?

EVE: Ugh. I do.

BONNIE: French guy?

EVE: So ,after me and Adam broke up is when the nicknames really started. I went on a whole string of dates and Cleo gave nicknames to them ALL.

CLEO: Oh yeah… there was space man… pizza guy… flower guy… sportsball…

EVE: And frenchie. Or french guy. Whichever.

BONNIE: How romantic.

CLEO: Hardly.

BONNIE: So, what happened?

EVE: His name was … wait for it… Jean. Shocking, I know! He was from France. And, yes, he had an accent. I think he was the second guy on this slew of one-time-dates. A dark time in my life, really.

CLEO: It truly was.

EVE: (Putting on a red coat) It was around the holidays.. Or was just starting to get cold out. Me and Jean made a plan: meet outside of Angelo’s on Main- you know, that Italian place? Meet there, get some dinner, see if there’s a spark and then part ways from there, probably. We didn’t really have any grand plans. So, I got there first and you know and I’m waiting (looking at phone, notification message is heard)

MAN: (From offstage) I’ll be there soon. Just parked.

EVE: (Responding) ‘Okay- great! I’m out front. I’m wearing black jeans and a red coat. See you soon! Smiley face’ (To girls) Now, I don’t know how well you all know that area… but I mean, there’s some stuff there but, there isn’t really a crazy amount. Especially not in the middle of December on a Tuesday night. When it’s freezing. So, anyway, I wait… and

MAN: Eve?

EVE: Hey - Jean?

MAN: Who else? (Small laugh)

EVE: Hah- right! Of course.

MAN: Hey- so, uh, are you hungry?

EVE: Oh yeah. I mean I could eat or I’m okay to wait -

MAN: Well I’m not too hungry yet, should we take a walk first to build up an appetite?

EVE: Oh, well - sure! But where do you want to walk to?

MAN: Well, I don’t think I’m in the mood much for Italian anymore so let’s just go down this way and see what there is.

EVE: So, we go … mind you, he chose Angelo’s. So, I’m just walking around like ‘why choose a place that you don’t want to go to after all for a first date?’ But it’s fine, I let it go. On the walk we talked about:

MAN: (In mid conversation) Work-

EVE: And what we like to -

MAN: Do in your spare time?

EVE: And eventually, we ended up down a bit far away from everything, so I said: “Is this the part where you kill me?”

CLEO: (Excitedly) AND THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT LADIES!

EVE: He was not too amused.

CLEO: But at least ya didn’t die!

EVE: No one murdered anyone. It did prompt us to walk back toward the center.

MAN: Would you be good with this Mexican place, here?

BONNIE: Wait… the one that’s literally right across the street from Angelo’s?

EVE: Yup. So we go. I really didn’t care- it was just …

MAN: There was this wedding I went to, my buddy’s wedding, a few years back. We flew to Italy for it, gorgeous venue along the coast, you can’t even imagine.

EVE: Oh yeah?

MAN: Yeah! Oh, there was so much booze to drink… really a shit ton of booze for everyone to drinks. This wedding, it must have been at least a million dollars spent on it!

EVE: Wow -

MAN: (Overstepping) Yeah! The food was incredible, though (A bit snobby) you would not have had the taste for it.

EVE: Why’s that?

MAN: There was a whole table of fresh fish and a carving station like you have never seen. I don’t think you would have liked it there.