#i’m not the worlds bravest soldier I’m a guy who doesn’t want to be ill and doesn’t want to experience trying to not be ill either.

[b-blushes]

pls can you wish me good vibes i’m starting a trial of a new treatment tomorrow and i’m nerviouse…..

[green-eyeddragonfanfiction]

War of Attrition: Chapter 2

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier x Reader Summary: Best friends with Steve Rogers, renowned Howling Commando, and married to one James Buchanan Barnes, your life wasn’t perfect, but it was as close as it could possibly be in the middle of World War II. Then you fell from a train in the Alps, and everything changed. You spent nearly 70 years as a tool of Hydra alongside your beloved, though your past with him was more often than not forgotten. Steve visits an old friend then a new one. The assassination attempt on Nick Fury’s life doesn’t go as planned. Warnings: Violence, mental illness Word Count: ~3,467 A/N: Yup. Putting that gif up top because if I’m going to go for a low blow, I’m at least going to be upfront about it.

Masterlist // Book One // Book Two

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

And just like that the video ended. The screen turned black and the next video played, back to the clips of war propaganda and the occasional recording of Peggy, Howard Stark or Colonel Phillips.

Steve got up wordlessly from his seat in the back, his poor pamphlet crushed to a pulp in his hand.

Steve left the Smithsonian as quickly as he could without drawing attention to himself. The last thing he needed right then was to be mobbed by well-meaning fans.

His feet carried him where he needed to go without even realizing it and when he finally left the maze of his mind and looked around, he was in front of the fancy care home that Peggy lived in. Steve had learned that she’d been in and out of the hospital lots over the last ten years or so, but her family finally decided that she should live somewhere they could visit and that a hospital did no favors to her health.

Peggy had Alzheimer’s and even the best treatment in the world had done little to halt the horrific progression of the disease. Some days were worse than others, but Steve had wasted enough time these last few years.

Steve Rogers was many things, but a coward he was not.

The nurses and helpers all greeted him with friendly waves. Even a few of the patients gave him cheerful hello’s. The thing about being nearly a hundred years old was that even people who regressed back to their childhood could remember him.

He knocked quietly at her door and was relieved to see she was already awake, idly watching the TV on the wall. When she turned to look at him a bright smile lit up her heavily lined face and Steve didn’t have to hide his in return.

It was a good day, it seemed.

“Steve! I didn’t know you’d be visiting. Don’t just stand around all day, come sit,” she said, voice commanding even though she sounded weak.

Peggy always sounded weak nowadays.

“I should have given you some warning. I didn’t really think about comin’ over, it just kind of happened,” Steve said sheepishly, taking a seat in the chair beside her bed. “I woulda brought you flowers.” His Brooklyn accent always seeped out when he talked to Peggy. He was allowed to be Steve Rogers around her, not Captain America.

Peggy waved a feeble hand at him and scoffed. “I’ve never been one for flowers, Steve. You know that. My grandson just replaced them yesterday anyway. I wouldn’t have said no to a glass of scotch, though,” she said with a wink.

Steve grinned and shook his head. “No way. I don’t need Nurse Shelly comin’ after me. Not after last time.”

Peggy giggled quietly, her eyes bright. “She was rather cross with you, wasn’t she?”

Steve pretended to glare at Peggy, but he was smiling just as broadly. “It was all your idea. You told me it’d be fine!”

Peggy simply smiled that secret smile of hers. “Seeing you sing and dance was worth it. Mr. Jenson across the hall can complain all he likes. I don’t regret it one bit.”

Steve laughed and sat back in his chair. “Yeah, well, I don’t plan on being on that woman’s list again if I can help it.” There was a pause, then, “I went to the Smithsonian today.”

Peggy eyed him shrewdly. “Can’t get enough of yourself, huh? Had to go and see yourself immortalized in a National exhibit?” she asked playfully, though her eyes told him she knew what he must be feeling.

Steve smiled weakly at the playful jab. “Can’t help it if I look good in ten foot high murals.”

Peggy smiled at that, a soft laugh leaving her lips. She stared at him, though, smile leaving her face after a moment. “You looked at their memorial, didn’t you?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

Steve ducked his head guiltily but Peggy only smiled knowingly. “I’m not going to yell at you, silly man. I used to do it too, you know. Back when your name was up on that wall with the two of them.”

Steve looked back up, blue eyes immeasurably sad, but Peggy was already shaking her head. “Oh no, you don’t get to feel guilty about it now, mister. What’s done it done.”

Steve pushed his bangs out of his eyes; a nervous tick he never kicked, even after nearly seventy years on ice. He couldn’t talk about them anymore. “I met a guy the other day. He was nice. Lapped him a few times in the National Mall. He’s ex-military. Para-rescue. He works at the VA now. Name’s Sam Wilson.”

Peggy smiled at him. “He seems like a nice young man.”

Steve laughed at that choice of words. He supposed that, to him and Peggy, just about any guy was a “nice young man.”

“Yeah, I s’pose he is. He asked me to visit the VA later.”

Peggy raised a wispy eyebrow at him. “And are you going to?”

Steve smiled cheekily. “Depends. Will you get Nurse Shelly to forgive me if I do?”

Peggy chuckled at that. “I think I can manage that. It might be good to go, you know. Mr. Wilson might even encourage you to leave your house for more than missions, exercise, and visiting me.”

Steve held his hands up in a defensive manner, smile attached firmly to his face. “Woah now, don’t get too crazy there, Pegs. Next you’ll tell me I need to learn how to use dating apps.”

She laughed in earnest at that; so hard Steve was worried she’d start coughing, but it seemed that wouldn’t be a problem.

The two of them sobered, though the air was still light with the remnants of smiles and laughter. He found his gaze wandering to the bedside table which was littered with pictures and letters and get well cards from friends and family.

“You should be proud of yourself, Peggy,” he said, lip quirked up at the corner.

Peggy followed his gaze, her thin hair scratching lightly against the pillow as she turned her head to look. “Mm. I have lived a life,” she said, gaze flicking to Steve. Her expression sobered a bit and Steve knew what was coming next. “My only regret is that you didn’t get to live yours.” Steve stared down at his hands and she could tell from that slight furrow in his brow that he was thinking too hard. “What is it?” she asked, that little hint of command seeping back into her voice.

“For as long as I can remember I just wanted to do what was right.” His blue eyes flicked up to Peggy, his eyes searching hers as though she had all the answers. “I guess I’m not quite sure what that is anymore.” He paused, his eyes dropping back down as he lost himself in his thoughts. “And I thought I could throw myself back in and follow orders. Serve.” He looked back up and put on that fake smile that made Peggy want to sigh. “It’s just not the same.”

Peggy huffed out a short laugh. “Always so dramatic,” she said, rolling her eyes. Steve smiled in earnest and gave a little half shrug, looking away almost guiltily. “Look,” she said seriously, “you saved the world. “We rather... mucked it up,” she said, lips quirked upward in a smile that was closer to a grimace.

Steve shook his head. “You didn’t. Knowing you helped found SHIELD is half the reason I stay.”

She made a small noise in the back of her throat and reached for Steve’s hand. He leaned forward and let her take it and quietly lamented at how weak her grip had become. “The world has changed, and none of us can go back. All we can do is our best. And sometimes the best that we can do is to- start- over,” she gasped out, interrupted by a coughing fit.

Steve dropped her hand to scramble for the pitcher of water on the small table by the window. He returned as quickly as he could and sat back down, holding it out for her to take. He reached out with his hand to get her attention and she turned to look at him, her expression changing in a way that made his his heart sink.

Like she was seeing him for the first time in seventy years.

“Steve,” she breathed, awe in her voice.

Steve stared at her, biting back a torrent of emotions. Today had been such a good day for her. They’d been talking for close to an hour.

“Yeah,” Steve said softly.

She gasped, eyes already getting watery. “You’re alive. You came back.”

Steve swallowed thickly against the threat of tears and put on the bravest face he could manage. He was sure his smile was more of a grimace, but it was the best he could do.

“Yeah, Peggy,” he said quietly, unable to speak louder without his voice breaking.

She sniffled and shook her head slightly as she stared at him. “It’s been so long. So long,” she said, tears threatening to spill in earnest now.

Steve gave her a smile that he didn’t really feel and leaned forward, voice low. “Well I couldn’t leave my best girl. Not when she owes me a dance.”

Peggy sniffled. “Did you bring (Y/N) and James with you? I still haven’t given them their wedding present,” she asked, trying to reach past Steve for the bedside table.

Steve grabbed her hand gently before she got very far and shook his head slowly. It was a really bad episode if she thought (Y/N) and Bucky were still alive. “They’re not with me right now, Pegs, but I’ll be sure to tell them you want to see them, alright?” he asked, hoping he sounded comforting and not like he was about to cry.

Peggy smiled at him like she did all those years ago and Steve felt his heart break all over again. “I’d like that very much. Those two are just the most adorable couple I’ve ever seen,” she said fondly.

Steve’s smile was fixed on his face so stiffly that he was worried it’d stay that way forever. “Yeah, they are.”

Steve did end up going to the VA.

By the time someone had come in to take care of Peggy (who’d fallen asleep shortly after her episode began. “Too much excitement,” Nurse Shelly had told him with a beady, accusing stare that sent him scurrying out the door) it was too late to make it in time to truly participate in the conversation, not that Steve was sure he could have anyway.

“Sam Wilson?” he asked the lady at the desk, who immediately went flustered and starry-eyed when she realized who he was.

She snapped a sloppy, frazzled salute to him and pointed down the hall. He gave her a polite “thank you, ma’am,” and walked leisurely in the direction she’d indicated. He could feel her eyes on his back the whole way.

The doors to the room were open and Steve leaned against the door frame, not wanting to interrupt the woman who was sharing. Sam was at the front of the room and Steve saw his eyes flick to Steve for a split second before returning to the woman. No one else seemed to realize he was there, which Steve was thankful for.

“The thing is, I think it’s getting worse. A cop pulled me over last week. He thought I was drunk. I swerved to miss a plastic bag. Thought it was an IED.” When she finished talking she looked down at her hands, missing the understanding looks the other vets were giving her.

“Some stuff you leave there,” Sam began. His voice was soothing and cut easily through the tension in the room. It was clear that this was a safe space and everyone in that room trusted Sam. “Other stuff you bring back. It’s our job to figure out how to carry it. Is it gonna be in a big suitcase, or in a little man purse? It’s up to you.”

Steve’s jaw worked as he mulled over Sam’s words. Peggy’s words from earlier bounced off his skull until there was nothing but a racket left for him to sift through.

Steve stayed and listened for the rest of the meeting, but never went and sat down. It was almost over, anyhow.

After, Sam said goodbye to some of the vets before making his way over to Steve, making busy work by reorganizing and stacking pamphlets. “Look who it is. The running man,” Sam said, throwing Steve a sly smirk over his shoulder.

Steve tucked his hands in his pockets and walked over. “Caught the last few minutes. It’s pretty intense.”

Sam nodded as he placed some cards back into the basket on the table. “Yeah, brother. We all got the same problems. Guilt, regret.” There was a tone in his voice and look in his eye that Steve knew all too well.

“You lose someone?” he asked quietly. Sam didn’t have to answer. It was a pretty personal question, after all.

But he did anyway. He nodded, eyes eventually landing on Steve though Steve could tell he wasn’t completely in the present. “My wingman, Riley. Flying a night mission. Standard PJ rescue op. Nothing we hadn’t done a thousand times before. Until an RPG knocked Riley’s dumb ass outta the sky. Nothing I could do. S’like I was up there just to watch.”

Steve’s memory flashed to that Godforsaken train in the alps. Of (Y/N) and Bucky falling mere milliseconds before he got there.

“I’m sorry,” was all he said instead.

“After that, I had a really hard time finding a reason for being over there, y’know?” he said with a weak smile.

“But you’re happy now? Back in the world?” Steve asked, nodding his head towards the large stack of papers on the table.

Sam crossed his arms and the smile on his face was a little more genuine now. “Hey, the number of people giving me orders is down to about-” he made a show of looking around, “-zero? So, hell yeah.” He was smiling in earnest now, just like he had been at the National Mall. “You thinkin’ about getting out?”

Steve stared at a spot on the table. “No,” he said quickly with a little shake of his head. Then he paused and tilted his head, considering. “I don’t know.” He smiled that melancholy smile. “To be honest, I don’t know what I would do with myself if I did.”

Sam considered that for a moment, his lips tipping down at the corners. “Ultimate fighting?” Steve laughed and Sam chuckled. “Just a great idea off the top of my head,” he said, grinning. “Seriously, you could do whatever you want to do. What makes you happy?”

Steve looked back at Sam, his lips straight in that almost-smile he wore too often these days. “I dunno.”

Your POV

The mission was simple. Assassination was simpler than extraction or escort.

One target. High value. Extremely capable. Proceed with caution.

Hydra sent out a small group of soldiers dressed as local police. Handler Pierce wanted to solve the problem without pulling you and the other Soldier into it if at all possible. You were valuable, best used in the shadows.

However, it was clear from the noise on the comms that the Hydra soldiers had failed and were in pursuit. You watched the screen in your hand, quickly tracking his most likely paths of escape.

You kicked the bike into life and shoved the tiny device back into your pocket. “Hop off when I slow you down. Grab your Mag Disc Grenade launcher,” you said by way of warning. His right arm was already around your waist so he didn’t slide back even an inch when you sped forward out of the alley. The electric engine was nearly silent, perfect for stealth operations... ignoring the fact it was broad daylight out.

You’d drop him off at one of the most likely routes of egress of your target then head to the other yourself. You’d leave the bike with the other Soldier. If the target happened to take another route, you’d pursue one foot (well, jet skates) and he’d pursue on the bike.

But you trusted your calculations.

You slowed down at the corner of one of the intersections, pulling up on the curb and ignoring the gaggle of surprised onlookers. Most of them scattered when they got one look at the guns you were packing, but some stopped and took pictures, gawking like a bunch of brain-dead monkeys. You ignored them and felt the bike shift as the Soldier hopped off, mag launcher in hand. You parked the bike on the curb, knowing there was no way in hell anyone would be stupid enough to touch it after getting a single look at you and the other Soldier.

“What about you? There’s only one,” the Soldier said, holding up his launcher as the two of you started to walk away from the bike.

You rolled your eyes even knowing he couldn’t see the gesture behind your goggles. “Shut up and do your job,” you said, grinning ferally beneath your mask as your razor-sharp wheels popped out of your feet. It the other Soldier said anything after that, it was drowned out by the roar of your twin heel jets and a half second later you were half a block away.

“I really don’t need this, you know. You should have taken it,” said his voice in your ear.

You growled your annoyance. “I don’t need it either, idiot. A high-tech car like the target’s? I can fry it with a single touch. I doubt it can outrun me in this traffic anyway. Did you plan to punch it into submission?”

The other Soldier made a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat. “Are you in position?”

You came to a stop in the middle of the street, ignoring the cars that swerved wildly to avoid you. A few drivers yelled angrily at you as they passed, but you ignored them, too. “Of course. Tell me if you get a visual. It seems like the target lost the agents that had been pursuing him. I don’t have any information no-”

“I have a visual.”

You groaned and fired your heel rockets up again and headed back to the other Soldier’s position. “I’m headed back. Status?”

“Mag grenade deployed.” There was the sound of an explosion in your headset and you were fairly sure that if you didn’t have your heel jets on you’d be able to hear the explosion and screams with your own ears. You could imagine the car flying through the air. In fact you rounded the corner just in time to watch the other Soldier sidestep the SUV, smoke wrapping around him like a cloak.

“Success. Target’s transport destroyed.”

“Finish him, then. I’ll be there in a moment with the bike and then we can return to Handler Pierce and inform him of our success.”

You watched him wrench the door off its hinges and send it flying. You left him to finish the target and grabbed the bike which, as you’d expected, had been given a wide berth. You kicked it on and rolled over to the Soldier a half-block away. You knew immediately something had gone wrong. He was stalking towards you, but his posture was all wrong.

“What happened?” you asked, looking between him and the wreck.

You heard him through both the comm and the normal way as he hopped onto the bike behind you, sitting back to back so he could watch your six while you made your escape. There was a handle on the back for the express purpose of him being able to hang on while you drove. “He used some sort of device to cut through the door of the SUV. Escaped into the sewers. Could be anywhere, especially if he has backup waiting for him.”

You glowered as you weaved through the city’s streets, cutting through traffic and dodging places you knew had cameras. “You should have chased after him.”

“We can back and you can go down the sewers in a fruitless chase for our quarry, then.” When you didn’t respond he sounded almost smug. “Didn’t think so.”

“You can tell Handler Pierce you let him get away from you, then.”

He went stiff against your back and you knew that had struck a nerve. “We still have eight hours.”

You frowned. “So it’s on me to find him again.”

There was a pause, then, “No, it’s on us.”

Next Chapter

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