#i’m just angry & sad. and have had a weird week. and my room is a mess. and i need to shower.

[justinefrischmanngf]

people tend to compliment me when they’re apologising to me and like i appreciate their apologies and it’s sweet of them to compliment me, but it’s also just like, i don’t want to be the bigger person here. i don’t want to be like yeah great i have this skill and you don’t and because you don’t you’ve hurt me but awesome! i’ve got it! like idk i’m just feeling very petty and sad and full of Emotion and i’ll get over it but idk. i have this real desire to be so cruel and i won’t act on it but idk it’s this horrible part of me that wants to be like well fuck it EYE want to be the one fucking up and hurting people and making things complicated !!!!!!! and that’s not ok!

[flemingsfreckles]

Be Home Soon

Synopsis: based off this request! Jessie has some hard feelings about being away from you and your kids so much, you do your best to reassure her.

Warnings: it’s a little sad, but nothing major.

WC: 1.7k

A/N: as I joked, this could be my last Jessie fic. I have a fear that seeing her in person at the game today will make me feel ~weird~ about writing for her, so we’ll see 🤷‍♀️

I also just finished writing this, gave it a quick skim and I’m posting it, so there’s bound to be errors, but I wanted it posted before I had to leave for the game.

The sound of the FaceTime call connecting has you running back over to where your phone sat. “Hi sorry, give me a second.” You quickly wave at the sight of your wife on the screen before running off to the other side of the room where your daughter sat in her playpen playing with blocks.

“Come here Kara, we’re going to say hi to Mom.” You reach down and pick up your daughter, propping her on your hip and walking back over to the phone that’s propped up against a water bottle on the kitchen table.

“Hi, sorry, it’s been a little hectic here. Kara’s been sassier than usual and Blake’s been coming down with a cold or something, I’m hoping she didn’t catch what he’s got.” Your daughter begins to whine on your hip, you gently start bouncing her, trying to soothe her fussing. “Look, it's Mom.” You point to Jessie’s face on the screen to show your daughter.

“Hi Kara, hi baby girl.” Jessie tries to pull your daughter's attention to her but your daughter is too busy pointing to the cabinet wanting a snack.

“Blake, come say hi to Mom!” You shout in the direction of your son’s room.

“Hey,” Jessie changes her tone, no longer using her high pitched baby voice, “are you taking care of yourself too?”

“Uh, yeah, just, the kids are priority.”

“Babe.” You knew she must’ve noticed the darker than usual circles around your eyes, you hadn’t been sleeping well, the empty bed next to you and a sick child were a lethal combination to your sleeping habits.

“Jess, I’m good, don’t worry.” You shoot her a pointed look over your shoulder letting her know not to push the subject at the moment. You wait a second before shouting for your son again, you hear his bedroom door open and he comes walking over to the phone.

“Say hi to your Mom.” You point at the phone.

“Hi.” Your son waves at the phone, he doesn’t sound thrilled to see your wife unlike your daughter who was repeatedly saying Mom into your ear.

Jessie starts asking him about school, she’d only been gone ten days so far, but she had missed the first full week of school for your kids. She was asking about teachers and homework and all the things she missed out on hearing about. You turn around occupying yourself with making your daughter a small snack

“When are you coming home Mom?” It was a question your son asked you frequently. When would Jessie be home, why was she gone so long, why did she always leave? Everytime he asks, your heart hurts for him. He just missed his mom, you missed her too, but playing was her job, her passion, you couldn’t ask her to step away.

“Soon, I promise, I get on a flight tomorrow night, I’ll be home the next morning.”

“I miss you, I don’t like when you’re gone.” You hear your son's sad voice from behind you. Closing the cabinet, you turn just in time to watch a flash of hurt run across Jessie’s face as she tries to fake a smile to your son.

“I know buddy, I’ll be home in two days though, you know my job makes me travel a bit.”

“I hate your stupid job.” The words sound so angry coming from your child’s mouth, your jaw drops and eyes widen.

“Blake!” You are quick to scold him. “Don’t talk to your Mom like that.”

“No, I hate it, she’s always gone.” He shouts back at you before storming off back to his room. You watch the irony, your wife’s name and number splayed across the back of the shirt he was wearing as he stomped away.

You suck in a big breath before slowly releasing it, throwing your head back, trying to compose yourself. When you tilt your head back down your met with the face of your wife, clearly hurt by what your son had said.

“Oh Jess, honey.” You grab the phone with your free hand before walking to sit down on the couch, letting Kara crawl back to her blocks.

“Sorry.” She sniffles, biting her lip and blinking hard as she looks up at the ceiling. “I just, it’s hard being away.”

“I know babe, you don’t have to be sorry.”

You watch as a tear falls from Jessie’s eye. “I know but I am, I’m so sorry. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to you, or to them. I feel like I’m never home.”

“Jessie.” You wish you could climb through the screen of your phone and engulf your wife into a hug.

“I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to reassure me, you’re already doing so much. You’re the best wife, and the best mother, I wish I could be as good of a mom as you.”

“Honey. You’re an excellent Mom.” You knew there weren’t enough words in the world to make Jessie believe you, but you’d be damned if you didn’t try.

“No Blake’s right, I’m hardly home, I feel like I’m always traveling, I miss important life events.”

“Jessie, you’re home plenty. It just feels long right now, it’s been two years of major tournaments.” It felt cruel for the World Cup and Olympics to be back to back. It was always a hectic two years even when you didn’t have kids, but you also couldn’t lie, when the Olympics were over it was nice knowing there wasn’t a major tournament for almost two more years.

“Yeah I guess. I just sometimes wonder if I’m making the wrong choice, still playing.” She puts her hood up on the sweatshirt she’s wearing, sitting back into the pillows of the hotel bed.

“It might not help, but I don’t think it’s the wrong choice. Jessie you’re not gone as much as it probably feels like. And I know Blake said he hates your job, he’s just having a rough day. That kid loves you and your job, he’s never not in one of your club or Canada jerseys.”

“I know I just feel bad.” You watch as she fiddles with her hands in her lap, a small quiver in her lip tells you she’s on the verge of tears again.

“Baby, when someone asks his favorite athlete, he always answers ‘my Mom’, he finds ever opportunity to talk about how his Mom is a professional soccer player, he loves watching you play, and yeah the long tournaments are harder, but I think he’d miss watching you play. Kara, she doesn’t quite understand yet, but she likes seeing you on the TV too, I don’t think it’s time for you to be done yet.”

Jessie doesn’t say anything, she just looks at you through the screen, you know she’s probably doubting herself, every tournament she’s played in since your kids were brought into the world, every weekend she’s away. Her heartbroken face upset you. You sit for a moment before starting again.

“And Jessie, you take the time to call, you call them before and after every game, you call every single night, you haven’t missed one. You read them bedtime stories over the phone. You’re still an excellent Mom to them, it’s from a distance sometimes but you still make the time. There’s plenty of parents who wouldn’t, plenty of parents who go on work trips and don’t bother with even one call. And when you’re home, you’re their favorite person, you play with them and you teach them all the silly little facts you store in that brain, you show them how to be good humans and that is so important.”

“It’s not just Blake and Kara though, it’s a lot of extra work that gets put on you.”

“Yeah, but I knew that.” You shake your head slightly with a smile. “Honey you’ve been a professional athlete our entire relationship, I’ve sat through World Cups and Olympics, and the weekends away, it’s not new to me. I knew what I was signing up for when I asked you to marry me, I knew what I was signing up for when we started talking about kids, I knew what I was signing up for when we actually had our babies.”

Jessie just nods along to your words. You reach down, picking up Kara who had wandered over and was hanging on to your leg. You place her on your lap, adjusting the phone so Jessie could see her.

“And Jessie, despite knowing you’d be gone, and busy occasionally, I couldn’t imagine my life without you, I wouldn’t have this life without you.” You look down to where your daughter had stacked a small block tower. “I love you Jess, you’re an amazing wife, and an even better Mom. You working, doesn’t change that.”

Jessie’s now got tears in her eyes again. She reaches over grabbing a tissue from the bedside table before wiping her eyes and blowing her nose. “Sorry, I love you, you’re incredible and I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

“You deserve the world Jessie.” You say before you hear your son's bedroom door open. You hear the small pats of his feet before he’s standing across from you, his freckled face reminiscent of your wife.

“Hi Blake.” You say, letting Jessie know he was back in the room.

“Hi. I’m tired. Can Mom read me a story?” He asks, pointing at the phone. You look down to see Jessie’s face break into a small smile.

“Sure buddy.” She answers before you get the chance.

“Of course.” You shoot Jessie a smile on the phone. You give her a smile before handing the phone over to your son. “I’m going to hand you to Blake, I love you, we’ll talk later.”

[dumbslvtforethan]

𝜗𝜚 that could've been just another silent night. ethan landry

-- Summary: after your boyfriend Chad doesn’t fulfill your desires Ethan makes sure he will 

warnings smut!, a little bit of fluff, dirty talking. 1,231 words

navigation

𐙚 mdni!! ↓↓ 𐙚༘⋆ೀೀ

IT WAS RAINING , you were chatting on the phone with your boyfriend, chad, which is also your roommate. The rain noises filled up the whole room.

Your phone rang “unknown number” it said. You picked it up, not knowing what to expect. “Hey sweetheart” the velvety voice said. “Hi?… who are you??” You said, getting up from my bed slowly.

“I’m just the guy who will fuck you until you can’t walk” he said, you could feel the smirk in his voice “what?” You said confused and curious to see what was behind that misterious voice. “Stop joking” you said, after the 2 long minutes of silence.

“Oh no sweet dumb thing” he said “I’m being completely serious.” He continued. “Once I see that pretty pink pussy of yours I will rip it apart.” He said as you hung up. You were terrified, but honestly kinda horny. I mean, you loved chad, you really did. But he never teased you like that, whenever you had sex he would always be so dry and emotionless about it, sure there was moans and groans but he never said anything during it. And honestly dirty talking was one of your biggest kinks.

As you walked around your room, you noticed an unfamiliar presence you hadn’t noticed before, that white mask and black robe starring in the dark corner. You froze, he was approaching you, slowly but aggressively. “Hey sweetheart” he said, uncomfortably too close to your face. He pulled his mask, revealing the shy dork, Ethan, also chads best friend. You always found Ethan cute and attractive, previously having fantasies about this dark side of him, but you never imagined that one day he would be saying something about ripping your pussy apart in a ghostface costume.

“Ethan?” You said, extremely confused but also excited. “Shh sweetie we don’t want your boyfriend to find out that you’re fucking his best friend do we?” He said, taking his costume off. “Now, be a good girl and lay down with me huh?” He said, now with gray sweatpants and a hoodie.

You layed down with him, you were hugging him from the front and he did the same, we were admiring each other with the dim light of your room that covered our faces.

He put his hands on your cheek and turned off the lights completely on the other. Even knowing he was a killer and your boyfriend’s best friend, you felt safe in some weird way. Like he would protect you if someone barged into your room like he did.

After a few hours , which felt like a few seconds i fell asleep in his arms. When you woke up Ethan wasn’t there. You were confused, didn’t he say he was going to fuck you? You were so tired that you thought it was some dream or fantasy that the alcohol from the frat party you’ve been the night before created, you didn’t want to believe it was real.

The truth was that Ethan’s intentions were exactly as he said. Ethan was actually supposed to kill you according to the instructions of his dad. He couldn’t kill you, but he had to. After his dad ordered him to kill you, he felt angry and sad at the same time, he wanted to relieve his emotions by fulfilling his sexual desires and fantasies about you. But when he saw your pretty face, he completely melted.

This unexpected encounter has been happening every night for a week by now, and surprisingly, you became closer to Ethan, you would tell him about your day, and you two always ended up hugging each other and cuddling until you fell asleep. On the other hand, you hadn’t been paying that much attention to your boyfriend, whenever he would ask something you’d always be distracted thinking of the night before. He started to notice this behavior from you, and became extremely annoyed, you two had a huge fight that day, you loved Chad but he wasn’t fulfilling your desires, he wasn’t making you happy, he wasn’t giving the sensations Ethan gave you, he wasn’t Ethan.

As always, that night Ethan climbed through your window and noticed you curled up crying on your bed. “What happened sweetheart?” He said sitting on your bed and putting his hand on your back “me and Chad had a huge fight.” You said, still sobbing. Ethan was filled with rage, he couldn’t believe Chad would hurt his girl like that. “Why? Did he hurt you?” He said, very concerned. “I can’t believe I’m saying this but-“ you said facing him “he isn’t you, he doesn’t care for me like you do, I think I love you ethan.” Ethan’s rage turned into happiness “you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to hear those words.” He said, grabbing you into a kiss. Ethan’s lips were soft and gentle a touch you wouldn’t have expected from a ghostface “you want me to fuck you so hard that you forget about him don’t you good girl?” He said, breathing heavily as he made out with you, you could only nod.

He threw you on the bed, taking off your shirt and sweat pants only leaving you with your black lace bra and matching panties. “So pretty just for me” he said as he admired you. He took off your bra next, you whimpered feeling your nipples hardening with the cold breeze that filled your room. The gaze of your bare breasts made his mouth water. He took one of your breasts in his mouth and started licking and sucking on it. You moaned at the feeling. You bit your lips, this was better than your fantasies. “I wanna feel your insides so badly” he said as he took your swollen and wet breast out of his mouth. His words sent chills down your pussy. he took out your panties and started to rub your clit roughly you moaned his name at the feeling.

He pounded his huge cock into you, making you moan “fuck you’re so tight” he said, in between groans. you pant, eyes scrunched shut in pleasure, your orgasm building quickly. you turn to hide your face from him, burying yourself into the mattress.

“Don’t fucking look away from me” he said grabbing your chin to face him. “I wanna see your pretty face” he said in between groans, breathing heavily.

You were reaching your climax, you almost forgot that Chad was your roommate and could barge in your room at any minute. You didn’t even care, you were already moaning so loudly that probably the whole neighborhood was hearing you.

“M-m’cumming! m- my g-god” you moaned “cum on my pretty cock princess” with his words you drenched his dick with your pussy juices. “Fuck you’re so pretty” he said. You switched positions so that you were on top of him. “Now is my turn to take care of you” you said taking his full length into your mouth. You could taste your insides in his dick. Shortly after that he released himself into your mouth. “Such a good girl for me.”

@jchampionsgf - on tumblr

a/n: wrote this months ago and honestly dk how to feel abt it

[lucifersgirl]

Difficult Days

Okay so I’ve had this thought for a while. I’ve fallen so hard for this man I swear to god! Anyway, enjoy loves! Have a scrumptious week!

TW: Self harm

————————————————————————

Lucifer had been acting weird lately. He had been excusing himself from rooms awkwardly. He had been avoiding the paperwork on his desk for weeks. But the weirdest thing of all was that he was distancing himself from you. Was he scared of you? Was he angry at you? You didn’t know, but you were concerned. You knew he had been dealing with depression and anxiety for years now, but you didn’t know how harsh it really was.

When you walked into your shared bedroom, you heard soft crying coming from the bathroom. “Lucifer?” You knocked on the door. “Honey, are you okay?”

“Fine, baby. Just f-fine…” Lucifer stumbled over his words.

“Can I come in, sweetheart?” When no reply answered you, you got scared. “I’m coming in, okay?” You pushed open the door delicately, giving Lucifer time to shut it if he wanted to. When he didn’t push back at all, you opened the door all the way. The sight before you was absolutely terrible and your heart ached for him.

Lucifer was sitting on the floor in nothing but his boxers. He had a bloody knife in his hand and his golden blood was all over his arms and the floor. Tears were streaming down his face and his hair was sticking out in all directions. He was looking at the floor, hiding his face from your gaze. His quiet whimpers and snivels broke the silence you were both in.

“Oh, Luci…” you whispered, slowly sinking to your knees and crawling towards him. You offered a sad smile. “Give me the knife?”

Lucifer nodded and did as you said, sliding it across the floor. He looked at you solemnly before turning away quickly, hiding his face again.

“It’s okay, baby, it’s alright now. I’m here,” you gently took his hand and kissed it lovingly, “I’m right here.”

Without warning, Lucifer launched himself into your arms. He buried his face in your chest and gripped your shirt with such force you thought he might tear it off. He cried his heart out, shaking uncontrollably as his breathing picked up and his head pounded.

You patted Lucifer’s head and stroked his back, offering reassurances and encouragement. “It’s alright now, sweetie, it’s alright. Just let it out, baby. That’s it, honey, there you go. It’s okay, my love, it’s okay,” you continued, holding him close and rubbing his scalp, which was something he always enjoyed. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“H-had a m-meeting with Heaven a-and they y-yelled at m-me and said th-that I-I was the r-reason people w-were so t-terrible b-but I was j-just doing what I th-thought was b-best f-for everyone b-but they don’t care b-because they don’t l-like m-me but I’m trying my b-be-est!” He bawled his eyes out into your chest, feeling a whole mix of emotions. Tears streamed down his face and his whole body felt weak.

“Oh, honey,” you said as you kissed his head lovingly. “ I’m so sorry, sweetheart. That must have really hurt you, huh? It’s okay now. Shh, baby, it’s okay. Just hold on, sweetie, it’s okay. Shh, shh. It’s alright, Luci, it’s alright. You’re safe now, baby, you’re safe. Shh, you’re safe.”

Lucifer sobbed into your chest, crying out in both pain and grief. “Oh~…” he groaned when he glanced at what he had done to himself.

“Why don’t I help you get cleaned up, Luci? Hmm? Would that be okay?” You always asked for his consent, even in times like these.

Lucifer nodded slowly, still bawling into your shirt. He wrapped his legs around your waist so you could get a better view of his cuts. “I-I’m s-s-sorry,” he apologized in between distraught wails. “I-I just-AH!” He hissed as an alcohol wipe came in contact with his open wounds. “Ow!” He cried out, gripping your shirt even tighter than before.

“I know, sweetheart, I know,” you whispered softly into his hair. “It’ll be over soon baby, okay? I promise,” you rubbed his back before continuing your actions.

Lucifer yelped as he once again felt the cool wipe sting his skin. “H-hurts!” He shrieked, trying to pull his arm out of your reach. “N-no more! P-please no m-more!”

“Honey,” you halted again, “I have to clean you up. I know it hurts, baby, and I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you, sweetie, I really don’t. But this is the only way I can clean you up and make sure that your wounds don’t get infected. Okay?” You kissed the top of Lucifer’s head and toyed with the ends of his messy hair. You pinched his neck gently, relaxing him.

Lucifer leaned into your touch, wanting to be enveloped in your warm embrace for the rest of eternity. “Okay,” he whispered as he placed his head in your shoulder, draping his one arm over your shoulder and the other on your waist. “Okay.”

“May I continue?” You asked sweetly, making sure Lucifer was ready. When he nodded again, you gently pressed the wipe onto his cuts. He hissed again, but you didn’t pull away, almost done with cleaning his angelic blood off of him. When you were finally finished, you threw the alcohol wipe into the garbage can in the corner of the room. You then grabbed bandages from the sink cabinet and opened a pack. “Okay?”

“Okay,” Lucifer replied, still clutching your shirt as pain overwhelmed his body. He felt weak and tired, unable to stand up or walk or really do anything.

You never rushed him, always asking if he was alright throughout the process. Lucifer only nodded, still weeping into your shoulder as you rubbed his back and bandaged his arms. When you had finished, you threw the remaining amount of bandages into the kitchen cabinet. “How about I carry you to bed, hm? Would that be okay?”

Lucifer pulled back from your embrace and raised an eyebrow at you. “B-but the floor…?”

“I’ll come back in here and clean it up, okay? You don’t have to worry about a single thing,” you pressed your finger to his nose and kissed his forehead.

Lucifer smiled weakly and held onto you tighter. His heels dug into the middle of your back and his hands went to your shoulders. His head leaned on your shoulder as well. He swore he could have fallen asleep right then and there if you hadn’t started moving.

You picked up Lucifer’s limp body with ease. “It’s okay, honey, it’s okay,” you whispered into his hair. You opened the door with one hand, still giving Lucifer plenty of support. You carried him to the bed, whispering in his hair on the way there. When you reached the bed, you pulled the covers back and placed Lucifer down gently. You pulled the covers over his body and kissed his forehead before walking back into the bathroom to clean the floor. You got rags and towels from the cabinet and started to clean up. However, the mess suddenly disappeared.

“I cleaned it for you, honey. Can you come back now? Please?” Lucifer called from the bed in the other room.

You sighed as you put the supplies back in the cabinet. You turned off the lights in the bathroom and closed the door behind you. Your eyes flicked over to the bed and you saw Lucifer staring right back at you. You smiled at him before asking, “Would you like a duck to cuddle with?”

Lucifer’s eyes lit up and he grinned. “Y-Yes, please,” he replied almost immediately.

You laughed softly. “Which one?” You walked over to a dresser in the corner of the room dedicated to Lucifer’s most special rubber ducks.

“The one that does backflips and spits fire! Please,” he added.

You giggled as you searched for the rubber duck. It didn’t take too long to find it, as it was on the top of the dresser. Once you found it, you brought it over to Lucifer. “This one?”

“Mhm!” Lucifer reached for it, excitement in his voice.

You handed it to him and he smiled up at you. You smiled back and kissed his cheek before getting into the bed yourself. You rubbed his back and tilted your head against his.

Lucifer rolled over onto you and snuggled into you. He hugged the duck close to his chest and leaned into your body. “Thank you,” he smiled up at you. He gently kissed your lips before laying his face back down in its position. “I love you,” he whispered into your shirt.

You chuckled lightly and pecked his forehead once more. “I love you, too, Luci,” you replied in a soft voice. “More than anything.”

————————

IM BACK BABYYY! WOO! Sorry it took me so long to come back, y’all. I had a lot of family issues going on, but I’m here now and I’m ready to write for this cute little duck man again! :)

[deadlyashesart]

Alastor's dissapearance (Part 4)

Whoa, writer's block is finally gone?! No way!! Anyway, I'm sorry it's such a short chapter after such a long wait. This isn't the last chapter! I have a few more ideas I'd like to write that follow this timeline. It may be a little OOC, but I find it a little difficult to write vulnerable Alastor... Hope you enjoy anyhow, and stick around for more!! Thank you all for the support! <3

Part 3

-----

She didn’t dare cry, because how could she? She wouldn’t let her emotions over a guy she hadn’t seen in seven years affect her ability to work or protect her subjects. She wouldn’t allow herself to feel, at the very least until she figured out a way to minimize the impact of the exorcism that was coming in only a few months. She was a very busy woman, after all.

A week passed since, but It didn’t take long for it to reach Rosie’s ears that he had stepped foot back into Cannibal Town.

Alastor walked casually, a hand rested behind his back while the other held his cane. He could feel the stares of judgment from the cannibals burning into his skull. Usually, he wouldn’t give less of a damn, but the guilt that had been rotting him from the inside out was growing with each cold glance.

Eventually, he reached Rosie’s Emporium. It was fairly early in the morning, and the building was still closed. He knocked thrice, hoping a certain white-haired cannibal overlord would open the door.

His silent prayers to himself had been answered and his smile became a little more genuine as Rosie came to the door. She didn’t look thrilled to see him. She held back an annoyed groan and instead opted for a tired sigh. “What are you doing here, Alastor?”

“I believe I owe you an apology,” he answered, his voice annoyed her.

Rosie had to admit that Alastor looked different. More vulnerable, in a weird way, despite still having his usual smile plastered on his face. “Please leave. I don’t have time for this. Besides, don’t you have that little hotel to tend to?” Rosie attempted to close the door, but Alastor wedged his cane between the gap and made it impossible to.

“I fear our long-awaited reunion didn’t go to either of our expectations. I do not want our friendship to falter over a silly miscommunication, so please allow us to try again.”

“You disappeared for seven years and couldn’t even send me a letter regarding your return. That isn’t just a silly miscommunication, you’re just being an inconsiderate asshole.” Rosie’s tone wasn’t angry or sad anymore. Instead, it was stern, numb of any other emotion. This was her way of protecting herself.

Alastor’s ears flattened against his head. He didn’t want to act desperate. He had an image to maintain after all, and he was still standing in public. But he needed Rosie to hear him out or he’d never forgive himself. “I brought you something… As a show of good nature. I’m not here to start a fight or hurt you like I did before.”

Appearing in his hand from a cloud of dark smoke was a small bouquet, roses to be exact. He wasn’t a very creative gift-giver.

Rosie stared at him for a moment, taking the bouquet. She gave a deep sigh and opened the door fully. “Very well.”

“Thank you.” Alastor quickly took the moment to enter the emporium before Rosie changed her mind.

-----

They entered the staff room and sat down on the couch beside each other. Alastor’s eye twitched ever so slightly as he saw Rosie’s new radio sitting on the coffee table. To him, it was an abomination. How dare someone add a TV screen to a radio? But he couldn’t bring it up now, or he’d lose his chance to mend things with Rosie.

“Say what you have to say now, Alastor,” Rosie began, picking up a cup of coffee she had left so she could answer the door.

Alastor paused. He had a lot he wanted to say. He wanted to give her an explanation on why he left, but even the thought made the invisible chains on his neck squeeze tighter.

“I’m… Sorry, Rosie. I truly am,” he finally managed to say. “I allowed my pride” —that really stung to say out loud— “get to my head and distract me from what actually mattered.”

Rosie listened intently, taking a sip of her coffee. She almost choked on it when Alastor suddenly took one of her hands in both of his.

“You are one of the most important people in my hellish existance. One of my only true friends. Back at the meeting, I did feel remorse. Trust me, I did. But I was unaware how badly my disappearance had affected you, and I responded incorrectly.”

He let go of her hands and sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. He hated this feeling of vulnerability, he wasn’t used to it.

“I’m sorry I didn’t send you a letter… It’s inexcusable, but it truly did slip my mind. I promise you, from now on, I will keep in touch. Maybe we can go back to having our bi-weekly walks? What do you say?”

Rosie blinked, feeling conflicted. This was a side of him she’d never seen before. She was still upset, of course, an apology won’t fix the years of hurt he caused, but it was a start.

A small smile appeared on her face and she opened her arms, inviting him for a hug. He looked at her, his permanent smile finally reaching his eyes with genuine joy. He hugged her, and she hugged tighter.

“So… Is this forgiveness, my dear?”

“It’s definitely a start…”

“Thank you.”

They broke the hug, and Alastor’s eyes drifted towards the radio on the table. “Now, if I may ask, why did you purchase such an abomination?”

“Alastor.”

"Apologies."

[iamyoursonly]

My safe haven (25/12/2023)

merry christmas guyssss! i’m here to serve you a meal so enjoyyyy

Wearing my headphones, I sit down at a seat on the train back home. My heart and soul can’t wait till the moment of relaxation home comes. I was so excited to finally go home after a whole week of overtime. I really am tired, physically and somewhat mentally too.

The ride was a bit bumpy, about an hour long I’d say. I enjoyed the quiet time alone… Music playing in my ears as I read the book I have kept in my bag for a few months already. One page and another, I scanned through the lines of words, reading every single one of them.

Enjoyable times flies by, am I right? The train reaches its final stop — my stop — as I reluctantly get off. Holding the book in my hands, I jog out of the subway and head to the bus station.

The Christmas decorations in the subway were bright, children were carolling in the station and shops had sales for this festive holiday. I couldn’t help but stop and admire the decorations at the bakery in awe. I take out the scarf from my bag and wrap it around my neck, scared that I might get a cold from the weird weather right now.

My phone buzzed when first I stepped out of the subway, the cold wind blowing in my face. I breathed out a big breath, seeing my own breath in the air. Then I take out my phone, hands freezing.

S: Are you home yet?

You: Almost there

The time was about eleven at night when I finally reached home — my little haven of peace. I love how comforting the environment always is and how well it reflects my personality, the quietness of it and the calmness it brings me. I take off my shoes, and turn on the lights for the living room. A tall and lean figure was seen spreading all over the couch after the lights were turned on.

“Satoru? What are you doing here? On the couch really? You’re going to break your fucking back, dude.”

He stands up, looking a bit offended by my comment. “Hey! First up, I have the right to be here. You gave me the key, alright? Secondly, where if not the couch. Your bed? Lastly, I am not going to break my fucking back, dude. I’m just twenty eight.”

I mutter a little curse under my breath, “You little shit. At least take care of your mess! Do you think I won’t catch the chip crumbs on the couch?”

He quickly tried to swipe the crumbs onto the floor to ‘remove the evidence’ of his ‘crime’. It’s actually really funny I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.

I noticed that Satoru let out a visible blush when I started laughing, it was adorable to be honest. But then he started laughing along with me.

“Would you like a coffee?” Satoru asks, “I want to apologise about the mess.”

I stop my laughing and hit his head lightly, “You dumbass it’s 11 right now, do you want me awake for the whole night?” I mutter.

He says sorry quickly though, and promised to get me coffee at a more appropriate time. Then he proposed to play nintendo games together. I kept losing to him but it doesn’t matter.

We have always had so much fun together, since forever ago, because the ‘home is my safe haven’ thing is a lie. The truth is, Satoru is my safe haven. He doesn’t know it though.

A few years ago, his mother met up with me personally after she heard from an ‘unknown source’ that I have a thing for his son. It’s not like I was in any position to deny this fact, ai just didn’t want to accept it yet. But I was definite that the person that told her was my ex that had always been angry at me for always hanging out with Satoru.

“Here take the money and stop everything you’re doing with Satoru.” That’s all I remember her saying but all I did was keep my stance and say no. Then I burst out of the room crying, and ended up in Satoru’s arms again. Telling him all about it.

He went to talk to his mother the next day and he was grounded for a week. That week I felt alone and empty and sad without him. And started to over think that I was the bad influence for him. So I asked my mother if I could transfer schools, at least somewhere away from Satoru. Because as long as Satoru is happy, I am.

I remember seeing a girl on Satoru’s instagram stories, apparently she was his girlfriend and it was just to ‘take his mind off all this drama’. Not that I’m blaming him though. I could only make myself believe that: I’m the coward that ran away and I don’t deserve him.

When I thought the ‘feelings’ were finally over after five years of ‘No Satoru’, I returned and took up a nine-to-five job as a secretary for the company Satoru’s family owned.

It was just to test out if I still had the butterflies in my stomach when I glance at Satoru’s pretty face. Well they’re still there, all that distance and time away didn’t really work.

“Hey! Satoru! The crumbs are on the floor now, oh my god! Why do you keep doing this to me every time you come to my house! Do you really want me to get into trouble with your mother again?”

He let out a slight chuckle, “It’s fine, because I’ll be there with you this time.”

I breathe out, “What?!”

He continued, “Have I ever told you why I came back to you after you left for so long?”

“To be honest with you, Satoru. I don’t really want or need to know, because you’re here now and that’s what it matters. But go ahead and talk.”

He smiled and nodded, “You know when you left, I was practically a living corpse. At least my mom said I was. I didn’t want to believe that you were gone. I thought that you were strong enough to trust me to handle this… But you were gone. And when I realized it was a little too late. I gaslighted myself that you were just going on a small vacation and you’ll be back soon. But the next time I saw you was at your job interview. And you were working for my top employee, you didn’t know how happy I was, I may have cried tears of joy in the bathroom.”

I hug him, “Sorry for leaving. And thank you for telling me all this”

He hugs me back, “Yeah. Can I tell you something?”

I nod, “Go ahead, Satoru.”

“I like you.”

Well that was the thing that I least expected he’d say. ‘I like you’? Really? Was I happy? Or was I not. But I just wanted to fling my arms over his shoulders and give him a big hug and an even bigger thank you.

But we’d be good at dating, since we’ve known each other for so long, we already fought and figured it out. We have known each other’s likes or dislikes, and he could take me out on dates filled with joy and fun. Maybe we could try it out, even if it ruins the friendship. It’s worth it if it’s ruined for you.

So I hug the taller male, smiling on my face and also deep down, “Thank you. Thank you for liking me.”

I didn’t know what to say, it was a bit shocking. Maybe it all just happened too fast, or was it because I couldn’t process too much and was just hallucinating. I pinched my cheek hard and I was everything BUT hallucinating.

“Is this real?” I asked Satoru.

He looked at me with a smile and smiled, “Unfortunately, yeah.”

I hit his chest because of his childishness, “I can’t with you.”

“But you like me too don’t you?” He shrug.

“What did you say??!” I start yelling at him, grabbing the TV controller that was on the couch. “Come here, boss. Let me hit some sense into you!”

He run away frantically, as a joke of course, he knew I was joking, that’s how well we know each other. Then I catch him, I grabbed ahold of his waist from behind, “Caught you.”

He hold his hands up like he had just been arrested, “Oh no! I have been caught.” He said with a tone of sarcasm. He turned around and held me up, I was shocked of course, I yelped when he first did. Then his face was close to mine, so close I could feel his breath on my face.

“I really like you, I’m not joking.”

Feeling brave, I grab his face. “Guess what, I like you too.”

Then I kiss him, and it was ethereal, as if all the butterflies in my stomach had exploded. And it was just like the world has left the two of us behind. Just him and I.

“Really?” He breathed out, “You mean it?”

I continue holding his face, looking him in the eye, “What do you think? Does it feel unreal?”

Satoru chuckled, and held my face too, “It does.” My face grows red from it, I don’t know if it was because of the cold or because of him anymore, but either ways I’m grateful enough to have him here already.

“Also, sweetie. You’ve made my year even more special,” He says, and I look at him. The clock chimes, signalling that it’s now 12am, “Now I can finally change my way of saying ‘Merry Christmas’ to you. I’m going to say ‘Merry Christmas, darling’ from now on.” I could just smile at this sweet gesture, “Then what should I say? ‘Merry Christmas, ‘toru’?”

“I’d like that.” Satoru says, then he leans down and kisses me again.

“Merry Christmas, darling.”

“Merry Christmas, ‘Toru.”

This Christmas, and the next and the next next, until forever. I wish to be in his embrace, his warmth and pray that our love will be eternal.

BONUS:

“Look here, princess.” He says, making my eyes look at him on command, “Yes, dear?” I mimic his tone as I look at his gorgeous eyes. He laughed when I did.

“What??” I asked, pouting, “So it’s only funny when you do it?”

He jokingly commented, “Of course it is, no one has my sense of humor.” I playfully hit him and he dramatically pretended if I had hit him in the gut hard. “Oh my god that hurt so bad!”

He really has a nice sense of humor.

masterlist

[peraltiagos-paper-rings]

no I keep thinking about how insanely ridiculous it is that isaac was apparently ignoring and avoiding colin for THREE WEEKS like I just refuse to believe it because it just makes some of 3x09 seem unsatisfactory and not make sense idk…do the writers even realise how long that is like TWENTY ONE DAYS of ignoring and avoiding someone you see and have to work and train alongside probably every day or most days during the season (training days & match days)???? that is MADNESS

if it really was three weeks how come nobody noticed anything was going on between colin and isaac until isaac yelled at colin on the pitch?? why didn’t we see any of the team or coaches going up to isaac or colin like “hey what’s going on with you guys you’re acting weird around each other”?? isaac was blatantly ignoring him to his face IN PUBLIC, like he refused to touch his hand TWICE in the locker room while SURROUNDED by their coaches and teammates, and you’re telling me not one of them saw that and thought “huh that’s weird”??? well maybe they did think it but again no one seems to notice in the scenes, like we don’t see any of them looking over at colin and isaac and seeming confused or something, and none of them say anything…I could understand them shrugging it off as “oh well maybe Isaac’s just in a mood today, maybe they just had an argument about something silly” if this behaviour hadn’t apparently been going on for three weeks like surely they must’ve noticed a pattern?? surely they must’ve realised something was seriously wrong once it went on longer than a week???? and side note, isaac not touching colin’s hand just seems stupid and excessive as well if his issue is not with colin being gay but with the fact that he thinks colin didn’t trust him enough to tell him or whatever but anyway

if it was three weeks why didn’t trent notice if his whole job in s3 was him observing the team every day, he’s been watching the team interact and play and train together for months at this point so surely he’d notice if the dynamic of two players who are usually close friends was off?? and why did colin wait THREE WEEKS to tell him, I would’ve told him after like 2 days of being ignored…and if it was three weeks then trent’s answer of “just give him time” really seems inadequate, I’m sorry trent I love you but he gave him THREE WEEKS already, how much more time can he possibly need????

also, if it was three weeks, I just feel like colin should’ve been angrier. he should’ve yelled at isaac. i love isaac ok he’s my best boy and I love their friendship but cmon…I guess colin isn’t a very angry/confrontational/aggressive person and he doesn’t hold grudges and maybe he didn’t yell at isaac when he came to apologise bc he was just happy to have his best friend back and he didn’t wanna fight, but?? THREE WEEKS???? i would’ve been FUMING. and anyway colin yelling at isaac would’ve hit harder especially if it happened in front of everyone, like imagine everyone just staring aghast like oh my god what is going on colin NEVER gets mad at anyone least of all ISAAC???? and personally if it had really been three weeks then isaac’s apology should’ve been a lot longer than just “sorry bruv” and he should’ve had a longer explanation of why he acted like that for THREE WEEKS 😭

so yeah I just…had to get that off my chest because I have been unable to stop thinking about it ever since I heard billy harris say that it was three weeks between 3x08 and 3x09 lmao but I refuse to believe it I just don’t think it makes sense for multiple reasons and it’s too sad for me to contemplate

[age-of-greta]

The Moon

The Moon represents illusion and deception, and therefore often suggests a time when something is not as it appears to be. Perhaps a misunderstanding on your part, or a truth you cannot admit to yourself.

Author’s note: hi!!! Welcome back. Sorry it’s been taking about two weeks per chapter, life has been busy. Anyway you know the drill! I proofread but typos happen. There is no posting schedule, but all parts will be posted on Wednesday at midnight. Also this is a slower burn, but trust me spice is coming… enjoy!!!

Parings: Sam x reader & Jake x reader

Warnings: cursing, alcohol consumption

Word count: 4.6k

PART 4:

Wednesdays have never been your favorite days. They always seemed to drag by the longest. This Wednesday was no exception. You were in a bad mood. Blame it on Wednesday, blame it on work, blame it on the hot weather. But the root of your problem was something different entirely. It was Jake. You hadn’t spoken to him since your kiss. In fact, the next morning you woke up you had lingered around perhaps a little longer than you had planned- but Jake never came out of his room. Josh kept making jokes about how Jake can never handle being crossed and you tried to laugh at them- but in the end you left feeling empty. That feeling hasn’t gone away. Jake hasn’t texted you or tried to speak to you since. You felt so many things. Sad. Angry. Confused. All of it. That has carried on into your week. You tried to just forget about it, chalk it up to stupid drunken behavior, but you couldn’t. It was now nearing the end of your day and you were ready to climb back into bed and watch something distracting on tv. It’s basically all you had done all week; order food and binge watch Netflix. At least this morning you had made yourself shower. You were still in pajamas however. A brown Aerosmith vintage tee riddled with holes and short black pajama shorts was the current outfit. Your hair was down, it had air dried from this morning. You also had on a pair of fluffy slippers. Usually they make you feel a little better, but not today. You groaned as you hit send on your final email of the day. Then you heard a knock at your door. You furrowed your brows together. You hadn’t been expecting anyone. Although you supposed it could be Margo, you had seen her a few days ago but not since. You got up from your chair and shuffled towards the door.

“Hello!” Danny greeted when you opened the door.

There stood Sam and Danny at your doorstep. You quickly flicked your eyes around but there was no sign of Jake nor Josh.

“Hi.” You say back in a puzzled tone.

Danny side steps and starts heading inside and Sam follows behind giving you a smile.

You cock your head to the side, trying to figure out if you had made plans and somehow forgotten them.

“Are you off yet? It’s like almost seven o’clock.” Danny says.

Was it really that late? You felt like maybe you were starting to lose it as you checked your watch and it read “6:48pm.”

“Oh yeah I’ve just been responding to emails.” You say trying not to sound conspicuous. “What are you guys up to?”

“I dunno. Thought we could come by and hang. We haven’t seen you in a few days.” Danny says nonchalantly.

Did Jake tell them? No, no he wouldn’t do that. At least you didn’t think he would. But this still strikes you as odd.

“We can order food. Maybe watch a movie or something.” Sam suggests.

You nod your head. “Yeah, it sounds good. Sorry it’s a mess and I’m a mess. I wasn’t really expecting anyone.”

Sam lightly laughs. “You’re good. You don’t look like a mess.”

“Can we order Indian food? I’m craving curry.” Danny says.

“Actually that sounds great. I think there’s a takeout pamphlet on my fridge.” You say.

“Perfect. I’m going to go check it out.” Danny says heading towards your kitchen.

You nod and watch him take off.

Sam is eyeing you a little awkwardly. “Hey I just wanted to say sorry if last weekend was weird or anything. I know sleeping in my room wasn’t the ideal situation. I just didn’t want you on the couch or anything.”

You make a face at him. “Sam, what are you talking about? It wasn’t weird. I thought it was incredibly nice that you did that for me. So thank you.”

“Oh okay. I just didn’t know because the next morning you seemed a little off and I didn’t want it to be because of me.”

You let out an unintentional sigh. “No, not you at all. I was just tired I guess. Come on, let’s go order some food.”

**

The night turned out to be rather pleasant. You, Sam, and Danny had ordered in food and started watching comedy specials. You all laughed at the dumbest jokes whilst also reminiscing on stories from your childhood.

“Hey Birdie, remember when you and Jake went to homecoming and got kicked out for the flasks?” Danny asked with a laugh.

You flinch a little at his name, but force a smile in its place. “Yes. Jake was a fucking idiot of course we were going to get caught.”

Sam lets out a laugh. “You’re right about that. That homecoming sucked anyway.”

“Didn’t you go with- ugh what’s her name? Oh yeah Emma Greene?” Danny asks.

You threw out your hands. “Oh yeah! I totally remember her. She was cute Sam! Why did it suck?”

Sam takes a minute before replying. “Eh homecoming/prom is never as fun when you don’t get to go with who you actually want to go with.”

You make a face. “Aw Sam! Who broke your heart and crushed your dreams?”

Sam shakes his head and puts on a small smile. “Doesn’t matter. It was a long time ago.”

Danny clears his throat. “So Birdie, have any plans this weekend?”

“Nope. Probably going to grab brunch with Margo or something.”

“So you’re not busy Saturday night?” Sam asks.

“No, why?”

“You really don’t know?” Danny asks.

You make a strange face at him.

“We have a show Birdie! It’s like an hour away at an amphitheater. You have to come.” Danny says excitedly.

“Oh shit I had no idea.” You say, starting to feel a little bad.

Danny waves his hand. “It’s a pop up show announcement we just announced a few days ago. It’s for charity. You haven’t seen us play since our underage dive bar days.”

You ponder for a minute. “Okay I’ll go. Can Margo come?”

Danny replies with a smile. “Can we come to brunch?”

You huff a laugh. “Yes.”

“That works out perfectly actually. We can meet for brunch and then head over to the venue after.” Sam adds.

“Great, I’ll tell Margo. Can we resume our movie now?”

**

Saturday had rolled around faster than you anticipated. Friday night Margo came over and stayed with you. You two had spent all night picking out concert outfits. Honestly, you think she was more excited than you. Now you were getting ready to meet the guys for brunch. You felt nervous? This will be the first time you had seen or spoke to Jake since that night. You had on a pair of ripped up light wash jeans and a white tank top with a chunky black and gold belt. You threw on a pair of black heeled booties and a lot of gold jewelry. Margo had curled your hair and put in enough product so it would last all day. You had done light makeup and brushed out your lash extensions. You felt ready. Margo had packed a huge bag full of more makeup and touch ups for later. You packed both of your outfits for later.

“Hey! Your phone is ringing. It’s Danny.” Margo yells from the other room.

You fastly shuffle to her and grab your phone to answer it.

“Good morning!” Danny beams from the speaker.

“Good morning Danny. What’s up?” You respond.

“Just checking in on you. Are you guys about ready for brunch?”

“Yeah, actually we were just about to leave here.” You say, walking back towards your room to grab your last minute things.

“Perfect!” Danny says. “Because we are outside. You can’t miss us. It’s the big tour bus right in front of your door.”

You furrow your brows together. “What? Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

You peer out of your window and see a giant black bus outside.

“Holy shit. Okay yeah. Give me a minute.” You say wide eyed.

“Take your time.” Danny says before hanging up.

Oh fuck. This was going to be awkward with Jake. At least at brunch you had the distraction of eating. Now you’re about to be in a confined vehicle with him. How would he act? You shook your head and took a deep breath. No time to sit and think- they’re outside.

“Margo! So uh they’re outside to pick us up and they’re here.”

She makes a slightly confused face. “Oh? I thought we were driving. Are we all taking an Uber?”

You huff a laugh. “Something like that.”

You two grab all of your things and start to head out. You might have put on more lip gloss and perfume before going outside, but who was keeping track.

“No fucking way!” Margo exclaimed when she saw the bus.

You slightly shake your head. “Tell me about it.”

The doors open and Josh is awaiting you. “Birdie! Margo! Climb aboard!”

You breathe a laugh. “Hi Josh.”

He hugs both of you and ushers you onto the bus. It’s incredibly nice inside. There are couches straight ahead with a small kitchenette to the side. Then there is a room with beds and a bathroom to the side. Though you can’t see much because the door is cracked.

“What do you think?” Danny asks, throwing his hands out.

You scan the room once more. You hadn’t seen Jake or Sam.

“It’s really nice. You guys are such divas now.” You tease.

Josh snorts a laugh at that. “I wish. This is just for today. Our last tour bus didn’t have running water for about a week. We had to stop at gas stations to brush our teeth.”

You laugh at that and find a seat on one of the couches as the bus starts to pull off. Margo is on the other couch already off in a conversation with Josh. Danny is messing around in the kitchen. You look out the window and watch as you pass the familiarity of your street. Then you feel someone plop down next to you.

“Hey Birdie.” Jake says with a smirk. “You look lovely.”

You turn your head to him and try not to make a face. “Hey Jake.” You say flatly.

He throws his arm over you. “I’m excited you’re coming to the show tonight. I’ll make sure to be on my best behavior on stage. Can’t mess up with such a VIP guest in attendance.”

You roll your eyes at him. “Oh right.

He grins at you. “I’m going to impress you Birdie.”

“We’ll see about that.” You quip playfully.

Just like that you’re putty in his hands again. Damnit. You had to admit you were a little taken aback by the way Jake was acting after no contact for over a week.

Sam walks over and nods at you. He eyes Jake noticing he’s so close to you. He doesn’t make a face or say anything. The rest of the car ride was filled with comfortable conversation, then you were pulling up to brunch.

“We look so inconspicuous rolling up here like this.” You say, standing up and preparing to exit the large bus.

“C’mon babe. You know we’ve always had a flair for the theatrics.” Jake says, giving you a smile.

Babe.

**

Brunch went well. You had all gotten a variety of different brunch foods and plenty of mimosas. You had decided on strawberry french toast- to which Sam insisted he try. He had gotten an omelet and the guys had given him hell for it with his Pescatarian life. All of this had escalated into a debate about whether or not eggs are vegetarian. You and Sam were very clear that they are; but everyone else seemed to be enjoying teasing you two about it. Now you were all back on the tour bus heading towards the venue. You didn’t know where you were going but you knew it would probably be a smaller venue, which meant it would probably be packed full. Jake was splayed out on the couch with his guitar in hand striking chords and chiming in on the setlist. You sat with Margo and Sam on one of the couches while everyone else was on the opposite one.

“What should we do for an encore or our final song? Has to be something where we can draw out a jam session.” Josh says.

“What’s your favorite song Birdie?” Jake asks you with a smirk.

You pretend to think about it, but you already know. “Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd?” You say with a hint of sarcasm.

Jake lets out a laugh. “Very funny Birdie. But you know I meant by us.”

“Edge of Darkness.”

Jake makes a rather surprised face at you. “Good choice.”

“I didn’t know that one was your favorite.” Sam says.

“Yeah. It might be the nostalgia, but it’s my favorite.”

You said this because of the slides that Jake does with this one. You once saw him use a beer bottle during this song. You’re pretty sure that altered your brain chemistry.

“Hey, it's a good jam song. Write it down.” Danny adds.

“Edge of Darkness it is.” Josh says writing it down. “Hey Margo, did anyone ever tell you what Edge of Darkness us about?”

Everyone groans simultaneously.

Margo makes a confused face. “No, what is it about?”

Josh can’t wipe the smirk off of his face. “It’s about an edge of darkness.”

Margo laughs at that- and truthfully you do too. You hadn’t heard that one in a while.

“Never change Josh.” You say through a smile.

“Oh I already have. We’re divas now, remember?” Josh says, giving you a wink.

**

You had pulled up to the venue shortly after. It was a smaller venue but a lot bigger than you had originally thought. You have seen them play countless dive bars or small auditoriums. But this was larger.

“This way!” The production director says, taking you all back through a series of doors.

You all follow in line as you’re given a mini tour throughout the place. You and Margo decided to hang back in the dressing rooms while they went through stage set up and logistics.

“This is so nice!” Margo says flopping down on the couch.

You lightly giggle. “It is.”

Margo frowns at you. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s just strange seeing them like this. It all feels a little surreal. Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond happy for them. They have wanted this since we were kids.”

Margo takes your hand and makes you plop down with her. “Don’t worry. I’m sure Jake is way more into you than the groupies. I mean did you see the way he was with you earlier?”

You scoff at her. “That is absolutely not what I mean and let the Jake thing rest. It’s not like that.”

“Mhm whatever you say Birdie. Can we start getting ready now?”

**

“This shit is not budging.” Margo says, setting her face with a ton of spray.

You two had just finished up getting ready. You both looked incredible. You had on a short dark red bodycon dress that mimicked a corset. You wore a pair of sheer black tights and black go-go boots. You had on a pair of red earrings in the shape of hearts that matched your dress. Your hair was curled in rather tight curls that you had brushed a few times. Your makeup was classic, accompanied by lashes and winged liner. Margo had on a long dark blue dress with a high slit. She wore black boots and liner that matched her dress. It was so her style.

“We look fucking hot.” She says, gawking at you both in the full length mirror.

“We do.” You respond with a smile.

Just then the door knob twitches and in walk the boys, already in full stage attire.

“You two are trying to upstage us at our own show huh?” Josh says.

Jake raises an eyebrow and looks directly at you. You just shoot him a small smile.

“Wow you look great. I mean both of you.” Sam says, rubbing the back of his neck.

“You all do too. I love the outfits.” You say, gesturing towards their eccentric looks.

“Curtain is in about 30 minutes. Anyone care for a drink?” Danny asks, walking towards the small bar in the corner of the room.

“Please!” Margo says.

“I’ll help.” Jake says walking over with Danny.

You sit down on the couch and Sam finds his seat next to you.

“Are you excited?” Sam asks.

You give him a smile. “Very. Are you?”

“Very.” He responds back.

“Okay whiskey sours for everyone.” Danny announces as he and Jake make their way over to the couches with glasses in hand.

You all take a glass and clink them together.

“Oof this is strong.” You announce as the liquid burns your throat.

Sam gives you a look of amusement.

“Oh come on now. I made it. Take it like a good girl.” Jake says to you with a devilish smirk.

Margo chokes on her drink for a minute while you try not to allow your face to flush.

Danny gives him a weird look. “Okay so the show tonight-“

Then Danny rambles on about timing and much more that you sort of tuned out. While Danny was speaking Margo looked at you and widened her eyes slightly laughing at you. You raised your eyebrows at her, signaling to stop.

“5 minutes until curtain!” The stage hand says busting in through the door.

“Ah shit. Okay let’s do this.” Josh says, slamming down his drink.

The other four follow suit and they all get up to head towards the door.

“See ya out there Birdie.” Jake says, pushing his hair back. You could tell he was electrified by the energy of the impending performance.

“Break a leg.” You say.

Sam gives you a small bow then they’re all out of the door.

“Sooooooo.” Margo starts.

“Not a word.” You say cutting her off.

“Hey ladies. This way, the show’s about to begin.” One of the stagehands says ushering you out.

They take you to a small section in the front that’s barely separated from the rest of the crowd. Wow. It was packed. You saw thousands of people wearing their logo amped and ready to see them. You felt a sense of pride in your chest. Then the lights began to dim and the cheering started.

**

Jake was a guitar god. You had made up your mind on that one. Fuck he looked so hot. Sweating, fingers moving at lightning speed, and his whole body leaning and bouncing with the music. The faces he made caused you to squeeze your knees together just to feel something. There had been a few times where he would look in your direction and smirk or purse his lips. It felt like he was edging you without even touching you. The whole entire performance was electric. Josh hit notes so high you thought glass would break. Danny beat the drums into oblivion. Sam plucked at that base like it was the last thing he’d ever do. And Jake… yeah. You were amazed at how great they were. They had come a long way since the dive bar days. Margo had swayed along with you to the beats, but you felt enthralled after that performance. When the show had ended you and Margo were ushered back through the tunnels to the dressing room.

“Whoo! That one was incredible boys.” Jake said with a smile.

He had just cracked open a bottle of water and started guzzling. There was still sweat shining all over him. But, when you looked around the room you noticed they were all pretty much covered in sweat.

“You guys were amazing. Like seriously, I am blown away!” You say excitedly.

Sam comes over and wraps you in a hug. “Thanks Birdie.”

You cackle and attempt to peel him off of you. “Sweaty!”

He laughs and heads off to grab a bottle of water for himself.

Jake walks up and approaches you, wrapping his right arm around your neck. “You’re too sweet.” Then he plants a kiss on the top of your head.

You try your best to play it off. “Ew! Sweaty again!”

Margo gives you a smirk and you cut your eyes at her.

“Can we please change and go out? I’m awfully bored.” Josh says casually, kicking his feet up on the couch.

“Yes. But no repeats of the last time we went out. I am talking to you Jake and Sam.” Danny says.

Jake lets out a chuckle. “No promises.”

Sam huffs a laugh in response. “Birdie, you’re coming right?”

You lightly whisper to him so no one else can hear. “Only if you’re the one ordering drinks.”

He lets out a laugh. “Deal.”

**

“No Margo, you can’t be serious!” You shout into your phone.

“I’m sorry! But in a way it’s your fault for making me go out after the show. I tried to tough it out today at work and blew chunks before lunch in the bathroom.” Margo says in a sickly voice.

Fuck.

It had been a few days since the night out. All had gone well. Jake was flirty, Sam bought you drinks you had actually liked, and everyone got trashed. So trashed, that when you and Margo had gotten back to your apartment that night you were so convinced that you needed to go to another concert that you had both paid insane resale prices to attend a music festival for this weekend at the beach. It was unlike you to make such rash decisions but that was the alcohol talking. Due to the festival, there were zero hotel rooms available. So you two had rented a tiny one bedroom shack on the beach via AirBNB. You weren’t proud of how much you had paid for that either.

“But you still have like three days to get better!” You pleaded.

Margo sighed. “Listen babe I’m sorry. I really am. But there is no way I’m going to be able to sit in a car for nine hours then party on the beach for the weekend.”

“But it’s The Red Hot Chili Peppers!” You yelled.

“I know and I’m fucking depressed. You still go! Find someone to go with you. I don’t even want to be reimbursed for anything. I just want you to go and have a good time.”

You fake a cry. “It won’t be the same without you.”

Margo huffs a laugh. “I know it won’t. But I need to go. I feel like I’m about to shit myself again.”

“Again?” You ask.

“Fuck off. Love you. Bye.”

Then the phone disconnects. You groan and throw your phone onto the couch before throwing your body in a similar spot. You sat on the couch and sulked for hours. Then you swallowed your pride and texted a friend from college inviting her. You paced around anxiously awaiting a response. Then there was a knock on your door. You raced to the door hoping it was Margo and this was all some sick joke. But alas it was Sam and Danny. This had become somewhat of a regular occurrence. They would show up randomly, unannounced, with food and just hangout for hours.

You huff a little. “Hi.”

Danny makes a face at you. “Who pissed in your cheerios?”

You move out of the way of the door insinuating for them to come in. “No one I’m just-”

Then your phone buzzes. You frantically unlock your phone just to see a polite way of “I already have plans.”

“Fuck!” You groan.

“What is your deal?” Danny continues, shuffling past you and putting paper bags of food on your counter.

You sigh. “Kind of a crazy story. But basically after Sam pumped me full of tequila soda the other night I wasn’t thinking straight and Margo and I bought festival tickets.”

Sam snickers a laugh at that. “Okay, go on.”

“And the festival is this weekend at the beach and Margo is super sick and now I have to find someone to go with and I can’t think of any of my other friends I want to go with so now I’m thinking I’m not going to go and we dropped about a grand total on tickets and a place to stay and yeah.” You say, catching your breath after rapid firing off that information.

Danny looks at you with somewhat wide eyes. “Shit. Uh yeah that is a bummer. Can you get a refund?”

“Nope.” You say, crossing your arms.

“I’m sorry sweet cousin. I would volunteer to go with you, but I have a golf session booked this weekend and I’ve had it on the books for a while.” Danny says, feeling bad for you.

You shake your head. “No, no. I wouldn’t expect you to drop your plans and go with me.”

“I’ll go.” Sam says, stepping closer and putting his hands in his pockets.

“Huh?” You say giving him a confused look.

“Yeah. I’ll go. Since you know it’s obviously my fault that you bought the tickets and all.” He says with a smirk.

“No Sam you don’t have to-“ you start.

“Nonsense. I’m not busy this weekend. But if you don’t want me to, that's okay.” He says with a chuckle.

“No! It’s not that at all. If you are down to go then let’s do it.” You say giving him a smile.

“Okay.” He says giving you the same smile. “Now who exactly are we seeing?”

You laugh. “Oh shit I didn’t even get to the best part. Red Hot Chili Peppers. We only bought Saturday tickets just to see them.”

Sam grins. “Oh hell yes. They’re so cool.”

Your eyes almost pop out of your head. “You’ve met them?”

Sam tries to hide his bashfulness. “We did, just once though.”

“Well good it worked out. But I’m starving. Can we eat now?” Danny asks, rummaging through the bags.

You nod your head.

Thank god. Sam had come in incredibly clutch. You felt such a relief. But something had crept into your mind. There was only one bedroom. But that was a problem for another time. Right now you are taking your win. This weekend would be one for the books.

***

-thanks for reading :))

[badstargateimagines]

Jonas's Big Day Out Part 1 of ?

Jonas is too good for this world and deserves a FUCKING TREAT. BABY BOY! I love him so much and I’m sad that he got treated like shit by the writer’s room on the show. Good thing I am a writer in my own room, suckers. To the Stargate writers: eat shit, I am taking custody of Jonas with no visitation rights for you bastards. You did my boy dirty and that’s on you. If you need me, I will be treating my son better than you ever could. I will be buying him a Nintendo switch and some nice footy pajamas. Drink a bottle of roadside bottle piss you sonsabitches.

Daniel grudgingly takes Jonas out for a day of fun.

Gen fic, no warnings, mentions of cigarettes and alcohol

Daniel was slowly but surely adjusting to his new friend. While he’d been assigned to SG-3, they still shared an office and worked together occasionally. Jonas reminded him of himself in a lot of ways; his naïvete, though irritating to some extent, was definitely most reminiscent of Daniel. 

As the weeks went by after coming back from being ascended, Daniel was quick to notice Jonas’s lust for life and childlike sense of adventure. Not only was going off world an adventure for Jonas, but so was going anywhere off base. On one occasion when they were at the bar, Jonas had snuck off to the smoking area and befriended a rough-looking crowd. It took everyone a good ten minutes of looking inside the bar before they found him chain smoking with a man who called himself Skunk. After that, they took turns babysitting him on nights out so he didn’t end up with a nicotine addiction. 

One day, as the two archaeologists worked away in their office, Jonas looked up at Daniel. He waited for him to stop working an look up at him for a few minutes. When that didn’t work, he called his colleague’s name. Upon hearing his name, Daniel looked up, assuming Jonas was running into trouble with a translation of something. Instead, Jonas had a wide grin on his face and asked for Daniel to come and look at his screen.

There was nothing work related open on Jonas’s computer. As Daniel inspected the screen, he saw the webpage for Build-a-Bear. Daniel turned to Jonas and sighed.

“Build-a-Bear?” Daniel asked sarcastically. Jonas nodded eagerly. “Jonas, how do you even know about Build-a-Bear?” He continued. Jonas shrugged.

“Cassie was talking about it at the barbeque at Jack’s last weekend. I asked her about it and it sounded fun!” Jonas explained. Daniel’s brow furrowed as he let out another exasperated sigh. 

“That place is for kids, Jonas. Do you have any idea how weird we’d look as two grown men going in there? Absolutely not, not happening.” Daniel asserted, returning to his seat. Jonas grinned.

“C’mon! Where’s your sense of adventure?” Jonas whined, leaning back in his chair. Daniel looked at him, confused. 

“Did you just wake up from a coma? Do you have no clue what we do for a living? If that’s not adventure, I don’t know what is.” He snipped. Jonas shrugged. 

“Look, all I’m saying is it could be fun. What could be more fun than building your own bear?” he argued, still leaned back in his chair. “Besides, I want better clothes. I’ve seen how the Tau’ri dress on TV and it’s not like you.” He added. Daniel frowned, not sure how to take the apparent insult from an alien. 

“Hey! What, did you want me to just let you run around in BDUs? We’re not going to the mall and that’s final. Get back to work!” Daniel snapped. Jonas was unbothered, laughing even. 

“You’re just mad I called you a loser, dude.” He giggled. The remark left Daniel confused and a little angry. Why in god’s name did this alien talk like a high schooler? And who gave him the audacity to talk like that to anyone, let alone Daniel?

“Uh, so quick question… Did you by chance find MTV on your TV?” Daniel asked. Jonas nodded. “Well, stop watching it. You’re being annoying.” Jonas’s eyes went about as wide as they possibly could.

“Take me to the mall, just this once, and I’ll never watch MTV again.” Jonas said, quickly. Daniel winced, realizing he’d backed himself into this corner. With that said, the offer seemed almost too good to refuse. Getting Jonas off MTV sooner meant he’d sooner get out of his weird rebellious earth teenager phase that they’d all noticed recently. It was for the good of the base to take the guy to the mall. How he’d enforce the no MTV rule wasn’t something Daniel knew how to do, but he’d figure it out. Probably.

Daniel reached across the desk and put his hand in front of Jonas’s nose. “Deal.” he said. Jonas smiled, surprised that his bargaining had worked. He took his colleague’s hand and shook it. 

“Aw man! This is gonna be so fun! We’re gonna get ice cream and taco bell too!” Jonas exclaimed. Daniel grimmaced.

“So much fun!” He said through gritted teeth.

With that, the plan was formed. Jonas spent the rest of the week sporadically telling Daniel what he wanted to do on his day off base. It got so bad that Daniel asked him to keep his plans in a notebook. Of course, the excitable alien took that to the next level. The day after Daniel requested the notebook thing, Jonas showed him a colour-coded itinerary he’d made with information from the internet. It was at that point that Daniel realized this wasn’t just a few errands for Jonas. No, no, this was Jonas’s big day out and it was his problem now. 

Jonas had gone and told everyone he came into contact with about his big day out with Dnaiel. Daniel found this out when a couple low-ranking airmen taunted him about his, quote, “playdate” with his, quoting again, “little brother”. It was driving him batty. As if that wasn’t bad enough, both Jack and General Hammond brought it up at one of their briefings. Both of them found it amusing and charming that the Archeology Twins were having a day out. Jack figured that Jonas could use some time out of his enclosure, and even decided to take Teal’c out to an Avs game in the spirit of comradery. 

Unfortunately, Jonas also caught wind of that plan and insisted Daniel take him to a hockey game that day. Daniel had to nip that one in the bud as a day at the mall followed by driving an hour and some change to a hockey game was his own personal hell. Jonas was quite upset when he had to erase ‘Hockey Game’ from his itinerary, so much so that Daniel felt bad for him. Instead, they agreed they’d go to a museum, something that he knew both of them would enjoy. This development lightened Jonas’s spirits, especially given that Jack had already agreed to take him to a hockey game the following weekend. Jonas had weaselled his way into becoming the 20-something-year-old teenage son of every senior officer on Cheyanne Mountain and he could not have been happier.

Part 2 Here

[abbatoirablaze]

The Nanny, Chapter 8

Word Count:  1.5k

Warnings:  angst

“Are you excited about today?”

Briana looked at you, her brow raising ever so slightly, “why would I have any reason to be excited, mom?”

“Well, your dad’s home and he’s taking you out for a father daughter day,” you shrugged, putting a piece of French toast on her plate.  Your eyes wandered down the hallway where Jake had been sound asleep in your shared bedroom.  Her eyes followed yours and then she rolled them.  You sighed, “hey…what’s that about?  You seemed happy about it last week.”

“Me and mom are going to the Lego store…and then we’re going to the-“

“Dad’s taking me to the mall,” she shrugged, truly seeming let down by what was happening as she cut her younger brother off, “I mean it’s nothing special…he’s just trying to do something with me because he’s been gone almost a year on this last mission.  He doesn’t even know what I like, mom!  He doesn’t know me anymore.  It just feels…weird.”

You frowned, leaning against the counter, “hey…your father was really excited about it last night.  You know he-“

“He doesn’t know anything that’s going on in my life, mom,” she groaned as she cut you off this time, “he doesn’t even know that I’m on the cheerleading squad, or that I hav-“

“A boyfriend…yes…yes he does,” Jake said firmly as he walked into the kitchen.  The tension in the room was thick as Jake’s sleepy voice was overrun by an agitated tone.  You frowned and gave Briana a look and she gasped, catching on to what you’d told him.  But Jake was quick to cut her off, “don’t get mad at your mother for telling me.  I’ve been following your social media accounts ever since my last trip.”

“Mom said I could get them!” she said quickly, looking to you for help.  Both of you knew how Jake had felt about the idea of social media period, but he was adamant on the idea that neither one of the kids should ever have it because of the potential dangers.  But you’d quickly caved just a few months ago, seeing that since she didn’t have a cell phone, social media would be a good way for her to stay up to date with her friends during the summer.

“But did she tell you that you could start seeing that boy?” he asked pointedly, looking between you and Briana, “Did you, Dev?”

“I’m not going to tell her no, Jake,” you shrugged, biting your lip as he began his normal routine.  Briana’s jaw tightened like she wanted to say something, but she kept her mouth shut when you shook your head, not wanting to upset Jake.  She huffed, angry that you didn’t correct him yet again, “he’s a good kid.  I’ve met him and his parents.  Had them over for dinner last month when-“

“When you were gone!” Briana pointed out, rolling her eyes, “maybe if you were home more you would know what’s going on in my life, like a real parent would.  But you’re always gone…”

“Bri-“

But before Jake could so much as finish her name, she’d stomped out of the kitchen and up the stairs.  You gave your boyfriend a sad look and went up to him, wrapping your arms around him.

“She’ll come around, Jake…she’s just going through a phase…she’s a teenager…”you offered, “you know she misses you…she’s just-“

“Being a butthead!” Alex pointed out, cutting you off.  The two of you turned your attention to Alex who was guiltily staring back at you.

“Alex…”

He frowned, “sorry dad…”

“She’s just going through a phase, Jake…”

“I hope so,” he sighed, “I can’t stand the fact that she seems like she hates me anymore…”

“How about this store?” Jake asked, pointing towards an Aeropostale, “your mom says that you li-“

“She’s not really my mom…”

“What?  Of course she is…she-“

“She’s not Dev…”

“Briana…she’s been there for us since you were little.  She’s like a mother to you,” Jake warned, “you’ve been calling her mom for half of your life.  You need to give her the respect that she deserves.”

“I’ll give her this…she’s more of a parent than you are.”

Jake bit his tongue as Briana went into the store, huffing under her breath.  The words struck Jake deeper than he’d cared to admit. 

Sure, he knew that he wasn’t always able to be there in person.  The Losers had been stuck with an impressive case load, and while he’d been with you officially for over three and a half years, you’d always kept him in the loop and made him feel okay about leaving. 

But with how Briana’s attitude had changed within the last few months, he wasn’t so sure anymore.  He jogged to catch up to her, “Did I do something wrong, Briana?”

The words left his mouth before he could stop them.  His daughter turned, stopping the half-committed browsing of the racks and tables.  She crossed her arms over her stomach and glared at her dad, “do you even care about us?  Do you even care about me, Alex, and mom?”

His heart plummeted into the pit of his stomach.

It felt like he was being punched in the chest, and he fought the air that was leaving his lungs far quicker than he would have been okay with.

“What?”

“Do you even care about us, or are we just some things you collect?” she asked angrily, not bothering to pull her punches with her father as she glared at him, “do you have a whole new family somewhere else or something?”

“Briana, no…how-how could you even think that?”

“Well for one, you never tell us goodbye when you leave,” she spat, her jaw clenching as she started her list, “It’s always in the middle of the night, with some half-assed letter.  And we’re left waking up to mom crying in your room because you didn’t even tell her goodbye.”

“Language, Briana.”

“Well, it’s true!” she growled, “you come back and act like everything’s okay.  Like you’ve been here the whole time.  Do you know why mom and Alex are spending time away from us today?  It’s because you missed Alex’s birthday last week.  AGAIN.  You’ve been home for two days and you didn’t even tell him happy birthday.  But you didn’t even notice, or you didn’t care.  You just sat on your work computer while mom tucked him in on the first night.  He was bawling.”

“He was?”

“And mom…you’ve been dating her for how many years?” she scoffed, “she cares about us.  She loves us so much.  She will take care of us when you leave. But what do you do when you come back?  You fuck her and then act like nothing happened.  Like you were side by side at the parent teacher conferences, or Alex’s soccer games, or my football games where I’m cheering.  Or like when she found out she was pregnant and then miscarried.  Or she invited Brandon’s parents and Brandon over for dinner.”

“She was pregnant?”

“Last year dad…” she spat, “she lost it at the end of her first trimester…but you didn’t even know, did you?”

“Bri-“

“You know it’s crazy to me,” she hissed, “you’re oblivious about our lives.  You don’t even kn-“

“That’s not fair Briana.”

“What’s not fair is that she somehow manages to still be in love with you and care about us when you walk away every single time,” she growled, “She still worships the ground that you walk on.  Still wants to be with you.  Do you know how awkward it is to explain to people that she’s my nanny first and my dad’s girlfriend second?  Do you know how many times I’ve heard her explain that she’s not ‘technically our guardian’ to my coaches or teachers, and then grandma has to come and sign off on stuff.  I almost didn’t make the cheer squad because grandma was on a cruise when tryouts were happening, and they wouldn’t let mom sign off as my guardian.  She was mortified as she had to talk to the coaches.  But she got ahold of grandma right in the nick of time.”

Jake felt his heart sinking further and further towards the floor with every word his daughter spat at him.

“I-I made her guardian when I hired he-“

“Your request was only good for that school dad.  When I went to intermediate school and Alex went to the elementary school, we needed it renewed.  Mom reminds you every time you’re home, but you just blow her off.”

“No, I-“

“Did you even realize that you’ve been calling her by mom’s name the last two times you’ve been home?” she asked with a growl.

Jake felt his stomach turn, “Wh-what?”

“You’ve been calling her Dev…my real mom’s name…for months now…do you really want to be with mom, or are you just using her as a placeholder for the woman who gave birth to me and Alex?  Because that’s really fucked up!”

“Briana, I-I didn’t mean-“

“You never mean anything, dad,” she spat, pushing past her father, heading towards the entrance of the store, “I want to go home…I don’t want to be out…”

“But we-“

“I want to go home, dad.”

Chapter 9

Tag List:  @lohnes16, @tenaciousperfectionunknown, @sebsgirl71479, @patzammit, @elbell20-blog

[kickthecan-revolution]

Done.

We officially terminated and signed the second offer, so we’re in contract. I couldn’t help myself and went and looked on the first buyers’ Facebook and they have two tiny kids - thinking of her diagnosis and what that means made me burst into tears. It’s just a deal that didn’t go through, they aren’t bad people. I’m sure they are going to be angry but they will also understand, given their realtor expertise. I found the property they have for sale and noted that they didn’t reduce the price until a week before their 45 day close date. That’s crazy. Seattle is the number one city for cooling real estate right now per the NYT, so they should have reduced earlier. I get it though it’s hard to make that call.

My sister and I talked and I said how I had such a weird day today and kind of lost my shit on my manager during my review (I haven’t written about that because I’m so mortified). I drove home and felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

We started to walk through the timeline of everything that happened, starting last June when our dad fell and then checked out of rehab after three days, and then he fell again and we forced him into assisted-living by lying and saying he was only going to be there for three weeks. All of his hallucinations and the extreme agitation and screaming at everyone and anyone who came into the room, getting out of bed and running down the hall chasing animals.

Then my sister breaking up with her partner and going through that crazy intense refinancing process in October.

Then my mom going into assisted living in December and all we had to do to make that happen and the sadness of that moment.

Then going to Seattle for Christmas and my niece got COVID so we cancelled the get together but I bought that Santa Suit and drive to deliver presents.

Then my Alki tenant moved out in January and I had so many false starts in finding a new renter. And my new boss started which was…..so horrible.

Then our mom fell in April and broke her pelvis. We also had the renter for the house and had 8 weeks to fix it and it was in such disrepair - then he left the first night they were there due to a car break in.

Then in May, assisted living told us they were kicking our dad out because he was so belligerent. The dozens of calls each week from him.

Then we put him on hospice to get drugs that calmed him. We asked them to stop feeding him as much which made them suspicious of us.

Then he died in June, right after a massive product launch. Then we had three weeks to get the house and yard ready for sale, the endless amount of people who had to be paid.

The arrangements, the urn, the closing of the accounts, obituary, contacting friends.

Then it sold. And we waited in limbo while we watched the real estate market crumble.

Then the call for the first extension on a Friday, she died that Sunday snd we were meant to close that next Thursday.

In shock and not caring, we signed it.

The arrangements, the urn, the closing of the accounts, obituary, contacting friends.

Then the next extension.

Two days after that, the second buyer.

Waiting these 72 hours.

Performance reviews.

And in between all of that, nightmares at work.

Woof.

[sushimewew]

Bad Luck Thread:

June 1st, 2023

11:20AM

My contact folded up. It rarely ever does that and doesn’t stick to my eyeball, making it hard to remove. Very odd.

Some other things happened that was pretty shitty but it’s normal stuff like losing my contacts or bruising my body.

June 5th 10:02AM

Standard bad luck has been happening this week. Trying to talk to my family about our drama or people on the road being assholes once again for some reason.

Nightmares constantly and being annoyed by people I see irl.

Im going to Canada soon so I hope my luck is finally changing.

June 14th 2023

I’ve been in Canada for a bit and I feel a lot happier, a few weird stuff has happened but it’s not so bad.

I knew college was going to be tricky and so is travelling. I’m able to ease thoughts.

Usually when I’m at home, I hear yelling constantly from my sister. It’s nice to not have that.

I fear I will become angry when I get home since I’m so happy here.

Its almost perfect…too perfect…

July 10th

Crashed my car days ago. I can’t sleep and I’m starting to feel sick, which isn’t the best timing since my sister is over.

July 13th

I got sick the other day and my family went to the ocean. It’s one of my favourite places. Later when they came home, we looked at photos and my sister made a comment about cutting out our father as a joke and I wanted to do that for my sister and mom. However, my printer was acting up as well as my computer. It was very strange and annoying. I snapped and threw stuff. I believe I scared away my sister.

While this was happening, my contacts were bothering my eyes so I had to stop what I was doing and take out my glasses.

Everything that could go wrong did, so much shit.

All I wanted to do is restore a happy photo for my family.

July 15th,

I can’t stop feeling sick, I’ve been throwing up and whatnot.

I hate this feeling, I hate this torment.

I wish it would go away.

July 17th,

My family have been doing a lot of stuff without me and I’m having to clean up a lot of their mess afterwards. I’m starting to feel a bit sad by this but also nice that I get the house to myself.

I’ve been trying to go to the gym but my body isn’t cooperating with me. I’m too scared to go to the doctors.

My swimsuit got destroyed so I tried to repair it but my family moved it while it was drying and ruined the process.

I can’t stop sleeping and my depression is getting worse as the days go on. I lost motivation.

I have good friends in my life but sometimes having a good support group isn’t enough.

January 10th 2024

Tried to do a shoot, start with simple special effects, my printer refused to print the right colour for the eyes and after 12 attempts I just went with it.

I kept dropping things and realized I needed a tripod so I got the selfie stick and taped a phone holder to it since it didn’t come with one.

I couldn’t decide on what to wear so I decided to do some test to see how my eyes look with the alien eyes, my front camera froze on my face and I swear I saw a glimpse of someone for a split second.

Went outside to take photos, wasn’t too happy about all the things earlier and wrecked my room trying to find stuff.

I did a photoshoot thing like I wanted but I hate the process for it.

[gisenchy]

the weight of grief

i’m compiling the different things i’ve written around the internet into one place. i’m currently locked out of my old livejournal, and i don’t have the heart to make a new one. 

There's something to be said about the level of neglect that we grow accustomed to. The level of pain we can stomach before it oozes out of us or explodes like a grenade. I read somewhere that laughter is what happens when your body cannot contain the joy you feel. But what about anger? What about pain? A friend of mine eats a whole cake in one sitting and I wonder: where does it all go? I scroll endlessly through Twitter, Instagram, the news, Youtube, hours upon hours of my time before looking up and wondering where it all went.

Of course, it’s not just my time. It’s also my energy spent. Some days I wake up after an appropriate amount of rest (Though for a millennial, is there anything other than tired?) completely exhausted. Not just sleepy from having woken up, but a sinking feeling in the top of my eyelids that compels them to close. When I’m extra tired, I get this weird metallic taste in my mouth and my body just doesn’t seem to hold any water. I drink two litres of water in one go and my throat will still scream of thirst. I unlock my phone and scroll and scroll and scroll and absorb the information, the grief, the trauma and the pain like a sponge. It's no wonder my body cannot contain water, when there is no room for it. I once told my counsellor that I don't ever want to be known as someone who didn't care, especially about the things that move the world and bring pain to so many people. I use this as a driver to learn and in most cases, unlearn the false ways of the world. His response was that caring does not mean I have to feel angry or sad all the time. He also said that many people probably aren't thinking of me that way or at all, even. The past few weeks I have reneged on my usual diet of information and discomfort to allow myself a little space to breathe. I couldn't cope with the onslaught of death and despair that COVID-19 brought into my home (didn't even stop at the doorstep to knock!) and felt like the shell of a shade of a portion of myself. I needed to protect myself. I wanted to stop feeling so fucking sad all the time. There's an episode of the Bobo & Flex Show wherein the hosts discuss the question: "Would you rather be sad or angry all the time?" Naturally my response was anger. I would just rather be angry. Anger feels like a driving force towards action, a reaction to things unjust and cruel. However, that anger has given way to just an intense feeling of despair as of late, and I fear that the space I had given myself over the past few weeks has dulled my capacity to feel any drive towards change. Sure, I've exhaled a bit and accepted uncertainty, but was that selfish of me to want that? Am I any less empathetic or caring than I was previously, when I consumed and absorbed All Things Bad, because I thought it made me a better person?

What I have learned over the past week is that the unrelenting pace of cruelty and evil in this world never stops. I joke that I have a separate stomach for bread, do I have another body for grief? I grit my teeth, clench my knuckles, blink back my tears, exhale deeply. Where does it all go? It goes anywhere and everywhere. My last reference for you is something plucked from Death of The Endless: everyone knows everything but pretend that they do not to make life tolerable. The world has always been bad; the only difference is that now we can see it clearly, without end. I don't know whether I'd rather be sad or angry all the time; I only know that I want to care. I suppose that is the only thing that makes life tolerable. 

[mayday-and-daydreams]

( Day Six )

{ Written Partially on October 29, Completed on October 30, 2023 - 3:35 AM }

[ Nemo’s Headphones: K. - Cigarettes After Sex ]

-

Time passes so fast.

That feels like a stupid way to start this.

It feels like everything I could say is stupid.

How can I possibly describe in words how I feel, when I don’t even understand it?

How can I possibly describe in words how I feel, when I haven’t even started to feel it yet?

I want to scream.

I want to cry.

I want to feel something, anything, godDAMNIT!

I don’t want to be empty, because that’s…that’s nothing.

I mean, it’s literally nothing.

Where is your anger? Where is your rage? Where is the fire inside you that sparked you to fight back, to stand up every day and push against the very world that tried to drown you out?

Where is the…

Where is the emotion?

Where is the soul.

What happened to you?

It feels like you left me behind somewhere, like you forgot me.

You grew up so fast, that while you were rushing to move on to the next stage of your life, you forgot the very person you were supposed to be.

And there I’ll stay, left in a dust-filled room, waiting for the moment when someone comes back for me and I finally feel again.

Everything I’ve ever said feels stupid.

Writing this makes me angry, because I know I will never be able to say exactly what I want to.

I feel like a pot boiling over.

Like a fire raging out of control.

But there’s only really one thing I’ve ever been able to do when I feel like I can’t create correctly.

I start from the beginning.

-

I held you when you were a kitten.

You were as small as my hand, and my hand was small too, I was only twelve.

I don’t remember if you had even opened your eyes yet.

I was responsible for keeping you warm, holding you close to my chest so you didn’t get too cold while my family members washed your siblings and then handed them to me too, to keep safe.

I think of that often.

It doesn’t feel like so long ago.

And now you’re gone.

Seven years.

You were still pretty young.

There was fight left in you.

It feels weird that things can just happen.

That one day someone can be there and the next they’re not.

Maybe I need to wait.

Maybe I can’t write this now.

Maybe I need to wait until I’m really truly sad.

I’ll wait.

I’ll wait.

-

A few weeks ago, I heard you got sick again.

I remember taking a couple photos of you, because in my head I thought when you died I’d want to have something to remember you by.

But I thought this was too morbid, so I refused to believe it.

You died a few days ago.

And tonight, I was scrolling through my photos to find some of you and I found those.

They were all Live Photos.

I didn’t realize that when I took them.

But for a moment, it was like you were alive again.

I’m so thankful to myself for even thinking to take those pictures.

But I still wish they would’ve taken more.

I’ll never be able to hold you again.

Never tuck you into my hoodie and zip you up like I used to.

I’ll never again find you tucked in my blankets.

I’ll never again see you.

I haven’t cried.

The closest I’ve come was when I clicked on those photos and saw you rolling around on the bed, and for a moment realized that you’d never get to do that again.

But there was someone else in the room with me, so I laughed it off and pretended it was just allergies.

Why didn’t I allow myself to feel bad?

Why do I never allow myself this?

I feel angry.

Why do I live in such a world where things like this happen?

Why do I live in a world with grief and sickness and pain?

Why am I forever cursed to live in a world where I am one day doomed to lose everything I’ve ever cared for?

Why must I hurt?

Why must I ache?

Well, logically the answer to this is because if I didn’t hurt, if I didn’t know that nothing I cared for was guaranteed, I’d never want to fight for it. I’d take it for granted.

But I don’t want logic.

I don’t want to understand why I feel this way.

I don’t want to lay my feelings out and sort them into neat piles so they’re organized.

I just want to feel them.

But I can’t even do that.

I’m sorry this happened.

I know there was nothing I could’ve done.

But I’m still sorry that I didn’t do more.

And logically I know that no matter what I’d done I’d always have regrets. I’d always wish I’d done more, always wish I’d tried harder.

But I don’t want to be logical tonight.

I want to hurt. I want to ache. I want to burn.

I want to grieve.

Because I don’t have you here anymore.

But at least I have the pain of losing you.

And that’s all I have to let me know that you were ever here at all.

[survey--s]

512.

What do you really think about where you live? I love the location - right by the beach and surrounded by amazing countryside, but I do wish there was more to do here without having to drive 45 minutes in any direction, lol.

Relationship status? Married.

Is anyone’s smile etched into your memory? No, not especially.

Your mom tells you she’s pregnant, you say? Well, she went through menopause about a decade ago and she’ll be 65 in a month, so I’d be genuinely horrified lol.

When was the last time you actually wrote someone a letter? I wrote Susie a note today when I finished sorting her dogs.

Have you kissed anyone in the past 27 days? Yeah. That’s a very precise number, lol.

Last person you shared food with? Mike.

Have you been a happy, angry, or sad person lately? Happy, for the most part.

How long did your shortest relationship last? Aside from silly ones in school that lasted a couple of weeks, about three months.

Has there been anyone particular on your mind at all today? Yeah, Susie as both her dogs had problems today lol. Guy is limping and won’t weight-bear on one foot, and then Pixie had the shits.

Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? Leggings.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? Of course.

Do you need to say anything to someone? No.

Do you think before you speak? Sometimes.

What was the last movie you watched? Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. The extended edition DVD.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? Yeah.

When was the last time you wore a dress? Yesterday.

What’s the last thing you put in your mouth? Pepsi Max.

Is it easy for someone to make you smile/laugh? Yes, most definitely.

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Two. My husband and my dad.

When was the last time you laid in bed with someone else? This morning before I got up.

What’s something you remember about kindergarten? Playing with the rabbits and guinea pigs.

Plans for this week? I’m working Tuesday-Friday (today is a Bank Holiday) and then next weekend is another Bank Holiday for the coronation so I have another three days off - no plans of yet, though.

Is there a person you talk to everyday with?: Aside from my husband, no.

Does one of your parents ever complain to you about the other parent?: Hahah oh yes. Not really in a negative, nasty way though - just my dad is quite...set in his ways even though those ways aren’t necessarily logical lol.

If you have a webcam, do you take more pictures or make more videos with it?: I only ever use it for FaceTime.

When was the last time you felt lonely?: I genuinely don’t remember - I rarely ever feel that way.

Who was the last person you wished a “Happy Birthday” to?: Linnet, I think.

What was the last food/drink that dyed your tongue a different color?: I can’t remember, probably some sweets or something.

Is there any upcoming festivals happening in the place you live?: No.

When was the last time you threw a party?: I honestly don’t remember. I don’t do parties, lol.

Does your best friend have a job?: He’s a plasterer/tiler and always has been. He’s worked since he was fourteen.

Have you ever sat in your room in the dark?: Yeah.

Do you usually take home leftovers if you eat out in a restaurant?: If there’s a decent amount left, sure.

Have you ever ghost ride the whip (put your car on auto and dance next to it as it’s moving)? Do you want to?: No, is that even a thing here? Even if it was, I drive a manual car lol.

What are you listening to? The Big Bang Theory but it’s just background noise.

Name a quote from the thing you are listening to? Bazinga.

What does your last text say? “I’ll take a look - thank you xx” from Susie.

Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? No.

Last missed call? I think it was just an unknown number.

Last person you talked on the phone with? My mum.

Do you like vitamin water? No. I tried it once and it just tasted really bland and weird.

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? No.

What do you think of people who have sex before marriage? I think they’re very sensible.

Are you more independent or dependent? Independent.

Do you believe that what comes around goes around? It’s a really nice idea, but no.

Where is one place you want to visit? Japan.

Are you pissed off about anything? No.

[poppyseedgirly]

i’m trying really hard to not think about what wisconsin must be like in the spring, i really did love it there, i really loved my neighborhood and living by the river, the park, the dunes, the beaches and the lake. it was so walkable, the art thrift store, the bakery, i loved taking care of that apartment

but hey i forgot to the grab the garbage cans just one time, and i get a bomb of resentment at me

i remember standing in the door way, frozen, lingering, feeling so small, like how many sorrys can i say to fix this

how long i sat in that feeling that last week in the apartment, i couldn’t wrap my head around how you could just go to bed while i couldn’t breathe, while i crawled into the living room and prayed in the night and shook so hard

you kept asking me what’s wrong, as if you had no idea and that made me even more confused, what’s wrong? you are breaking my heart and i don’t know how to sleep in our bed anymore and i wake up and your holding me still, what do you mean what is wrong, what’s going on? don’t you see?

it’s a weird feeling how free and not free i felt there, i was just getting started, i felt on top of the world at the beginning of december, but also like i held this dark secret. maybe we were sadder than i could see through it all

i had been trying, after moving and the pandemic and moving again and yes i was afraid and i’m growing and of course i don’t have it figured out, i’m only 25, but i never thought that would change

i remember watching the train, we were stuck as it road by for many minutes, we sat in silence

but you said you thought about just running away some days, riding the rails

i’m not sure what i said, but it did make me gulp because i knew i had to let you go

you did not know what kind of life you wanted, neither have i, but at the core we do know

and this was not aligning anymore

you race through my mind all day

our words echo in things i do, for good or bad

and i’m trying to create new memories, feelings,

overlapping, so i can bare to do anything

without the thought of something else

i’ve been driving a lot these days, and i’m not scared anymore, what more do i have to lose if i don’t try

and i’m angry and sad and tired

but you were all of those things for a long time

and i’m going to pull myself out of this

i collect my wins when i reach them

and enjoy the little things

self love is the journey now

whatever happens along the way is life

i am i am i am