#i’ll deal with everything else myself but the tummy hurt is the most upsetting

[bsideheart]

does anyone have any advice on the tummy hurt

[eeveedel]

Submission for my anon for the insecure chubby Louis fic! (Feat a note from them)

Okay okay, here u go!! There’s a wee trigger warning here for insecurity, a little diet talk and emotionally abusive relationship- SO LOOK AFTER YOURSELVES. Please don’t read if you think this could upset you xx

--

It was still dark outside, Louis could tell by the lack of sunshine gleaming through his curtains. Winter wasn’t his best time, his mood would often reflect the weather. At the moment that was bleak and glum. Sometimes a little frosty and blue. On his good days, there would be a little joy and red rosy cheeks, hands being warmed by a steaming cuppa. Today definitely wasn’t the latter. Managing to heave his heavy bones out of bed and pull on his comfiest dressing gown, he padded down the stairs barefoot too lazy to find his slippers. He’s met with Zayn, standing in the kitchen already dressed and looking fresh.

Zayn looked up from where he was standing, expression softening as he looked at the smaller man. “Hey, morning Lou.”

“Morning Zee. work?” Louis wrapped his arms around Zayn’s waist, taking in his scent of stale cigarettes. Familiar, smelling like home.

Sighing, Zayn gave a nod, pouring boiling water into Louis’ favourite mug for him.

“Yup. Got a couple of new starts today. To tell you the truth Lou, not a single part of me can't be arsed.”

Louis scoffed at that, softly shaking his head. “Och shut your trap, maybe you’ll meet someone who tickles your fancy” He teased, taking the mug Zayn made him.

A look of warning was shot in louis’ direction.

“Right Lou, that’s me off, behave yourself, I’ll be home to make dinner at 6. Make sure you eat, but please don’t burn down my kitchen. Yeah?”

“Yes Mama, I will take good care of myself, don’t you worry.” Sticking out his tongue playfully.

“Sure, see you later babe.” Bending down to kiss Louis’ temple and ruffle his already messy bed head, before heading to the door..

Sighing, Louis wonders what he’s going to do with his day.

Two weeks prior, he had been living about a half hours drive away. He had shared a small flat above a bakery with his then at the time, long term boyfriend. He and Nathan had been together for six long, lonely years. Yes lonely.

He and Nathan had met in their University’s Halls, they stayed right across from each other, Nathan studying Business Management, and himself, fashion and photography. Now, Louis could tell you some long romantic stories of how their relationship was love at first sight, how they got lost in each other's eyes from the start and spent sundays lazing in bed snuggling each other. But that would be a flatout lie. Louis had only ever dated girls before, meaning Nathan was his first and so far his only. It had started out relatively sweet, more of a best friends kind of bond than anything else. Louis had then started to question his sexuality. It was the little things, like Nathan holding the dip of his waist in clubs and bars, almost possessive, cuddling on the couch watching movies. Before Louis knew it, they were having passionate sex and being that sickly sweet couple everyone loved but rolled their eyes at.

6 months down the line, changes were happening. Ones that Louis didn't particularly like. Comments about his appearance and personality that would hit him deep in the chest. But no matter how hurt he was, how far out the window his self esteem had gone, Louis loved Nathan and he was convinced Nathan loved him too.

Five and half years later, Louis was sitting alone, sleeping in his best friend’s flat, utterly devastated, heartbroken and more or less, feeling like shit.

Deciding to go out and take some photos to cheer himself up, Zayn’s voice came into his head reminding him to eat breakfast. He munched on some cheerios and checked his phone, scrolling aimlessly down his Instagram feed. And there it was, he knew it was coming but actually seeing it was an entirely different story. Nathan had his arm around a tall, slim man. Gorgeously tanned, biceps bulging and perfectly straight white teeth gleaming at Louis, taunting him. The photo was captioned with something sickly sweet that only made Louis nausea worsen. It had been less than a month and Nathan had already found someone else. Someone who had everything Louis didn't. Long, lean legs, slim, toned build, dazzling straight teeth. No wrinkles, no pudginess, no freckles - just clear glowy skin and abs.

If Louis could feel worse about himself he would, but fortunately he was already at Rock bottom.

****

“Fuck sake Harry, move your arse.”

“Excuse me Liam, I am taking my time, the icing needs to be perfect”

“Och shut your trap Harold, you're too clumsy to obtain cupcake perfection.” Shaking his head, Liam went to serve their next customer, ignoring Harry’s scoff.

“Oh hi Nathan. Not seen you in a while. How's our Lou then? It’s usually him to do the morning tea run.”

Harry’s ears perked at the mention of Louis. Actually, thinking about it, he hadn't seen Louis in a while. At least a few weeks had gone by which was bizarre. He continued icing but concentrated at eavesdropping on whatever Nathan had to say.

“Oh. Right well, actually me and Louis broke up. He uh, he left me about a month ago. Only just managed to get myself out of bed to tell you the truth. Suppose it’s just the way life goes..” there was a silence for a few seconds where nathan picked up his coffee from the counter. “Nice to see ya Liam, catch you later.” And with that, he wafted out the door and presumably back up to his flat.

“Did you hear that Haz? That’s Nathan saying he and Louis broke up, or rather, Louis left him? Bit out of the blue don't you think? Louis always seemed too sweet to hurt anyone...Quiet wee thing he was” Liam had his brows furrowed clearly in deep thought.

“Yeah I heard, I don’t know Li, there was always something odd about those two. Louis always seemed too timid for his own good, maybe it’s for the best.”

Liam didn’t say anything, just nodding his head in response, processing Harry’s words.

****

Louis felt no better. Infact, he felt worse. He had managed to drag himself out from his hiding nest to go for a pee and make a cup of tea, but that’s as far as his body would take him. Hearing the front door slam he knew he was about to deal with the wrath of his best friend for wallowing in his sadness all day, failing to take care of himself.

“Bebz? Don't tell me you’re still in bed-” He curled his blanket around him at seeing the disappointment in Zayn’s face.

“Lou baby, you were doing so well...What's wrong?” Climbing into bed beside his best friend, he pulled Louis into his chest, taking in the wracks of his sobs, thumbing his soft bicep in attempts of comfort.

“Come on, talk to me boo? What’s happened?” Louis couldn't speak, he was embarrassed and hurting, Zayn would figure it out later anyway when he would see Nathan's post on instagram. Understanding Louis wasn’t going to open up, he held the smaller man even tighter to his chest whilst running his fingers through his feathery brown hair (That was still not brushed) “Oh baby, he got you good didn't he..”

After some time, he felt Louis sniffles lessen his breathing evening out letting small puffs of air from his slightly rounded cheeks. His best friend had always been a little chubby, especially since he had been living above a bakery, but he had lost some weight after his breakup with Nathan. He wasn’t sure if it was insecurity or heartbreak that had made Louis' appetite disappear, probably a mixture of both. Regardless, it was upsetting to see Louis’ spark fizzle out, to see him physically shrink and push his meals away.

Zayn and Louis had had constant arguments involving getting Louis to see a therapist. Louis didn’t let his walls down easy, not even with Zayn, he refused all suggestions of talking to a professional claiming “There is no need, there’s nothing wrong with me.”

Zayn was resilient though, and there was no way he would give up on his best friend. He didn't know what Louis' relationship with Nathan had been like, he had barely seen him during the last 5 years, he had noticed how quiet and reserved he had become, at first he put that down to Louis growing up, but now he wasn’t so sure. “Come on bebz, get that arse of yours in the shower, I’m going to make us some dinner.”

Louis managed to shift himself out of bed, going to his ensuite and stripping down. Now, Louis wasn’t totally ashamed of his looks. But he also knew fine well he was nothing to be envied or admired. He had grown up with a few extra pounds (Okay, maybe a little more than a few) But he never minded it, he was always told by his friends how magnificent his curves were. Just like anyone, he had his little insecurities, his belly being one of them. After he had moved above the bakery, his weight had begun to creep up leaving him around a stone overweight. At first, Nathan had sweetly teased him about the crease under his chin, how he could packaway more food than ever before. He would softly tease Louis about how his killer curves put anyone to shame. But the sweetness that would make Louis feel all bubbly and a little embarrassed, turned into outright bullying and body shaming. Nathan began going out more and more, he would come home at 3am most nights, words were thrown around like confetti, ones that made Louis shrink inside himself and wear the baggiest jumpers he could find. He turned to food for comfort, which led to more shameful bashing from his boyfriend.

For the first time in a month, he studied himself in the mirror. Dark bags dragging down under his dull eyes, ginger facial hair looking unruly and anything but taken care off. His cheeks were not as full and pink, his double chin wasn't permanent anymore and only appeared when he looked down. His tummy still pooched forward, but it didn't hang down as much as it once did, hips still wide and thighs still thick, just a little slimmer than they had been. He was probably still considered chubby. It was weird that he missed his old body, surely he should be reveling in the idea that he now needed belts, but he wasn't. Because this wasn't him. He didn't recognise himself anymore. Nothing felt okay.

Tears pooled in his eyes, threatening to slip over. Louis wasn't going to let them though and forced himself into the shower, at least then he didn't know if the water that was streaming down his face was tears or from the shower. He liked it better that way. Dressing himself in his comfiest clothes and having to pull the drawstring tight to save them from slipping down he made his way to the kitchen where Zayn was pulling pizza and chips from the oven.

“Here bebz, eat up. I want that plate clean.” He placed a full pizza and a big bowl of McCains oven fries in front of Louis, kissing his temple before settling himself down.

Shaking his head he scoffed at zayn before telling him he was such a feeder. “I just want to see you happy boo, you’ll get your spark back if it's the last thing I do.”

They ate in silence, Louis knew Zayn was aware he wasn't ready to talk about why he felt so upset today. And that was okay.

*

“Boobear! How are you? I haven't spoken to you in too long my darling. You’re not at your flat are you…? That doesn't look like your place”

Louis shifted in his seat uncomfortably, he supposed it was about time he told his Mum about his breakup. Of Course he didn’t want to, he knew the fuss Jay would make and honestly Louis could look after himself and he didn't need to be babied. “Yeah um Mum, I actually have some news. It's about Nathan and I - we um, well we broke up. I can't afford a one bedroom just yet, looking for a job but ehm, yeah I'm staying with Zayn right now so…”

“Oh honey, you need to tell me these things, you know we all would have been there for you...what happened?”

“Mum I dont think I'm ready to go into that just yet, can we talk about this later? How’s the girls, and Mark? Are you all coping okay-”

Mark came into the video call, taking a seat beside his wife, he raised his eyebrows at seeing Louis’ face. He knew Mark was about to comment on his lack of double chin.

“Oh Louis my boy! You've finally lost some of that extra weight? I'm proud of you, Look at him Jay, doesn't he look so good!”

*

“Harry shut up, we don't need to make a website, we get enough business without social media.”

“Nah Liam, we’re making one, I don't care what you say. I'm going to put out an ad for a photographer to take photos then we can upload them to our Facebook to get people to share it. Help spread the word. Don't be such a grandad, google isn't as scary as you might think.” Scoffing, Liam rolled his eyes muttering something under his breath that quite frankly, Harry didn't give a shit about.

Looking at his watch and deciding to close up for the night he heard a small cough. From his place behind the counter he saw a mess of light brown hair, blue eyes and a soft round face. Louis.

“Louis! You haven’t been here in weeks, Liam! The wee guy has come to pay a visit!” At that, Louis crossed his arms over his chest giving Harry a glare before speaking up. “Fuck off Harold, I came to ask a favour but if youre going to be like-”

“Oh Lou you knew I was joking! C’ere.” Wrapping the shorter man into his chest he realised Louis didn't look so good. Tired eyes, beard, he looked slimmer too which made Harry a little sad. As he pulled Louis closer into him, still feeling the man's overly soft belly press against his own abs, he was happy Louis still had a little of his pudginess left. “Hey, are you okay? You’re not looking so good…”

Rolling his eyes, Louis felt a little tingle in his tummy as he realised how much he missed his banter with Harry “Yes yes Harold, I got dumped a month ago, yes I look like shit and havent shaved since, yes I’ve lost weight and I dunno why that makes everyone sad, atleast I’m not as fat as I used-”

“Stop right there you brat, don’t even finish that sentence” They pulled away from each other as Liam came in.

Harry realised Louis had said that he'd been dumped, which did not match up with what Nathan had said, he didn’t know why he actually cared so he decided he didn't and focussed on packing everything up whilst Liam and Louis caught up with each other.

“So what can we do for you then babe? Heard you said you needed a favour?”

Louis dumped himself in one of the booths by the counter, leaning back into the soft padded headrest, letting out a suffereable sigh. “Right yes well, dunno if I ever told you lot, I have a best friend Zayn who lives a little over a half hours drive away and um, after the y'know...breakup I moved in with him.” Louis kept his gaze on his hands in his lap, not really wanting to deal with Liam and Harry’s looks of sympathy he knew they were wearing. “So anyway, it’s his birthday next week and I was wondering if you guys could bake him a cake? And like maybe some cupcakes or something…”

Harry and Liam slid in next to Louis, Harry dumping a cup of tea in front of him, and Liam a box of leftovers that weren’t going to be eaten.

“I think you’ve mentioned him before yeah, we can do that cant we Harry?”

Harry was looking at the icing that Louis had managed to smear over his face from a donut he had absentmindedly shoved in his mouth. He broke his gaze and regathered himself. “Yeah, yeah of course we can do that Louis. Send us a list of allergies or like, just anything that you’re wanting made”

Harry smiled at the way Louis dimpled hands looked so little wrapped around the cup of tea he was taking delicate sips from, dribbling a bit down his chin. Louis lifted up his sweater paw’d fist, wiping it across his mouth. Nodding his head he spoke “Yeah, yeah thats great mate. Cheers for that, so what are you guys thinking about prices?”

Liam was about to protest any form of payment before Harry interrupted him “Actually Louis, you studied photography right?” Nodding his head and placing his cup of tea down on the table he spoke “Yeah, I graduated with a 1:1. Not to blow my own trumpet or summat but i'm actually not too shabby.”

“Perfect well, could you take some photos for us? I really want to set up a social media account, but neither Liam or I are too good at photography. Just like, we could set a date and you could pick up the cakes and then have a little photography shoot?”

Louis stayed quiet for a hot minute. He hadn't come to visit in the last month for fear of running into Nathan, and like, yeah he was on friendly terms with Harry and Liam but they weren't exactly friends. They didn’t even have each other’s numbers. Harry sensed the hesitation Louis was feeling. “Like it’s fine if not, it was just an idea…”

Louis shook his head, “No, no like I would love to. I just um, Im a bit funny being around this area after you know, like Nathan and-”

“Oh sorry, yeah of course, I could come to you? Like, put your number in my phone and we’ll figure out a date?” Harry locked his eyes with Louis’, searching for some kind of answer. Louis was squirming a little, clearly feeling a tad anxious after mentioning Nathan. He nodded though, and put his number into Harry’s phone. Brushing the donut crumbs off his thighs Louis stood up making his way to the door. “Well, thanks for that lads that will be a massive help to me...guess I’ll see you in a few days to take photos?”

“Don't forget your box of leftovers Louis, you’ve lost some weight, eat up.” Liam handed Louis the cardboard box, worry creasing into his forehead and pinched brows.

Louis scoffed at that and rolled his eyes “Why is everyone so obsessed with feeding me” He muttered under his breath walking out the bakery and down to a bus stop, making sure it was far from his old flat.

*

“Louis, what the fuck is your problem? Stop throwing your clothes all over the place, you look fine.” Zayn was sprawled on Louis’ bed, texting someone whilst Louis was frantically teariing apart his wardrobe trying to find something, anything that made him look decent. He didn’t know why he cared. It was only Harry coming round so he could take photos as a thank you for Zayn’s cake. They had decided Liam or Harry would be better dropping of the sweet treats on the day of Zayns actual birthday, which would be in a few days but Louis had insisted it was fine for him to still take those photos.

“Zayn I look like shit, and I don't really want to look like shit funnily enough” He stood in front of the mirror checking himself over. He had on obcenely tight white jeans that did nothing to hide the girth of his thick, wide thighs and left his tummy pooching over the waist band, thick love handles that were happily settled over his sides. These were jeans that he had held onto since uni, hoping he could get them over his arse one day, and he guessed today was that day. He had a soft sweater on that he had hoped would cover that extra flesh spilling out, it did a pretty good job in all fairness, but his tummy was still pressed up against the fabric.

He got carried away pinching and sighing at his figure. He was never happy with it, not when he was heavier, and not now. Zayn placed a hand on his shoulder softly looking at Louis. “You look great bebz. You cant deny those jeans do wonders for your legs and bum.” Louis nodded in agreement because Zayn was right. He did look alright in them. Not hot, but he looked okay he didnt look like utter shit at least.

“Want me to do your hair?” Nodding, Louis sat down on his bed whilst Zayn styled his soft fringe neatly acrosss his forhead. Louis had deceided to shave this morning, it had been a little odd at first seeing all his baby soft skin again, but it felt nice. Helped him feel more neat and put together. He was ignoring the voice in his head that was asking why he cared so much about his appearance all of a sudden. Like, it was literally just Harry. Just the tall hipster baker he had seen every morning and not thought twice about.

Why did he even care all of a sudden? Right. No. He didnt care. Didnt give a shit. All he was doing, was trying to pick himself up again and take care of looks.

With one last look in the mirror, almost satisfied he plops down on the couch waiting on Harry.

“So, why exactly are you so uptight? Like, I know you’re excited to have gotten a job but…” Louis squirmed a little and felt his cheeks flushing. He went over Zayns words in his head, he didn’t know why he was so hot and bothered, wanting to make a good impression on Harry. It was afterall, only Harry. The younger boy who worked in his favourite bakery who he had seen everyday for years. When Louis was with Nathan, he never looked twice at the boy. But the otherday when he was at the bakery he realised he had never noticed Harrys long lean figure, broad back, rounded biceps. He flushed a little thinking about it. But it’s not like anything was going to happen. Not when Louis still found himself wriggling in beside Zayn at night, waking up with puffy red eyes, swollen and sore from crying. Not when Harry was miles and miles out of his league. It was a teeny tiny crush. That’s all it was.

“I am not being uptight Zayn. I just want this to go well, like, it’s my first job y’know.” Zayn snorted and shook his head. “Here, Lou, you’ve managed to get chocolate on your face.” He swiped over the corner of Louis’ mouth rubbing away at the little piece of chocolate.

*

“Alright Curly? Come in, come in” Louis ushered Harry inside the flat, giving him a once over. Obscenely long legs made to look even longer in orange corduroy trousers, flowery blouse left unbuttoned to mid chest, not leaving much to Louis imagination. Realising he was being caught looking, Louis broke his gaze and looked up at Harry.

“So, Harry this is my mate Zayn, Zayn this is the bloke who works at that bakery, the one that has evidently ruined my waistline”

Zayn and Harry gave a soft chuckle at Louis depreciation, knowing it was his own way of hiding his insecurities.

“So, I’ve bought all the cakes, you got your photo gear?” Harry began unboxing the sugary treats, motioning towards them.

“Yeah yeah mate, I’ve got it all. You just tell me what kind of shots you’re looking for and I’m your man”

Louis blushed furiously after realising what he said. “Your man” I wish. Louis thought to himself. He does not have a crush on the man, not when he’s still hurting and knows fine well he is not the kind of guy Harry would go for. But still, he could appreciate an attractive man couldn’t he?

*

“Right mate, thats the last of the photos”

“Amazing, thank you so much Lou. Can’t wait to prove Liam wrong. These will do wonders for our sales”

Harry nudged his shoulder against Louis’ and gave him a dazzling smile before returning to flick through the photos.

“Hey mate, want to stay for dinner? I’ve just made Lou and I some pasta, there’s plenty for one more?”

“Zayn I’ve told you, I’m on a diet. I can’t eat pasta” Louis mumbled, cheeks burning red from

Embarrassment.

Zayn mouthed something at Harry that Louis couldn’t quite make out. Probably something about ignoring him because he’ll eat it anyway.

“That would be grand actually, I don’t have dinner planned so...” Louis caught Harry giving him a quick look, eyes looking a little sad and sympathetic. He squirmed under Harrys gaze, feeling self conscious, tugging down on his jumper. He felt like a bug under a microscope in that moment, wanting to hide away under baggy clothes and shrink into himself.

mumbling something about going to take a shower first Louis stood and let himself out the room. His feelings were all over the place at the moment. One day his heart would feel so broken and weary he could swear he would feel his heart strings tug and tear inside him. His insecurities and shame would bubble over and he wanted nothing more than to curl under his duvet for hours.. Other days, he had this new found confidence when he would wear whatever the hell he wanted, be loud, flamboyant, eat what made his cheeks flush with pleasure. And somedays he would go inbetween both. Today was one of those days.

It took a lot of effort to squeeze out of those jeans before climbing into to the shower. Why he ever thought he could look good in them was beyond him. He had to push his belly up to even get to the button, and he didn’t even want to think about the strength it took to pull both sides of the jeans together and get the button undone.

*

Louis came back into the kitchen in loose sweats and the baggiest jumper he could find. Silently, he slid into his chair at the table and was met with a bowl of creamy pasta. He opened his mouth to protest about the dish, but Zayn got there first shooting him a glare of warning.

“Eat.” He said simply, and Louis abided to this, pushing the pasta round with his folk, only bringing it to his mouth every few minutes.

Zayn and Harry made friendly conversation that Louis only half listened to, not contributing to the conversation unless he was directly asked a question.

“Bebz, come on. Eat up, this isn’t healthy” Zayn scooped pasta onto Louis fork and held it up to his mouth, coaxing him to take a bite. But Louis just pushed the fork away, trying not to snap. He knew Zayn was trying to help but it was honestly just embarrassing in front of Harry.

“Leave it Z. I’ll eat later. Listen, Harry mate, thanks for coming over, let me know what time you’ll bring those cakes by tomorrow. I’m going to head to bed.” Before anyone could answer him Louis scurried off to let his tears fall.

[inforapound]

Emboîté Part 6

A/N - This is the final chapter. It’s a bit of a ride. As @youbloodymadgenius doesn’t love angst, I softened it with sickly sweet suckie fluff. I do have an epilogue in mind which I may or may not write. We’ll see. 

Pairing – Ivar and Sarah     (Aethelswith)

Words – 3,900 approx

We fell in love, blinding love, totally consumed by the other. Dance was the single and only part of my life that prevented me from being swallowed entirely by Ivar’s passion. I was his obsession and I loved it. Within a month we spent every moment outside of rehearsals and weekend performances together and when the seasonal break came, I taught ballet and we were glued at the hip for the rest of the time. Exploring the city like visitors, going to movies, countless suppers out, being that couple who couldn't sit without tangling in each other’s arms on the same side of the table.

Mornings, evenings, stolen moments in the day were spent making love. Our bodies moving as if in some race to absorb the other. Within a few months, there wasn’t a part of me, not an inch, not a speck of flesh, he hadn’t claimed and worshipped. Not a single thing two bodies could possibly do, that we hadn’t. His hands on my skin, my face, my tummy, everywhere, felt as familiar as my own. Always, always the moment he pushed inside me, his words of devotion would flow, how beautiful I was, how perfect I felt around him, how much he needed me, how lucky he was to have me, that I was his baby, his woman, his princess. It was fiercely intense and dangerously addictive without a moment to catch my breath. His relentless lips inhaling me, tasting me, gulping up every whimper and cry of his name.

Within half a year our bodies new the other so intimately, our love making could stretch hours or just a minute if that’s all that time would allow. Never parting without him reminding me that he was mine and I was his and that we fit together. It was true, we did. Was it healthy? Probably not but I didn’t care. He was unlike anyone I could have dreamt of. Not an easy man but a remarkable one. A man of extremes and complexities with an immense ability to feel. His brilliance and passion as vast and powerful as his fear of being without me. There was a pain inside him, it had been there long before me but somehow, he felt it less when we were together.

His moods, oh my god. They were overwhelming with his immediate reaction always being hurt or rejection. Our fights at times were brutal. Arguments that would start the same way each time with my desire to return home for a night or two. Heading back into season, I wanted to rest and refocus, get used to waking up in my own space in anticipation of the opening season.

Without fail, it would catapult him into a tailspin of anger, even despair. He refused to understand my desire for space or time alone, particularly after the man had purchased me everything I could ever want to keep at his place. Pajamas, clothing, toiletries, goddamn matching sweatsuits to his.

In truth, I didn’t really want to be away from but I felt I should. Should as an exercise in maintaining some shred of independence.

Opening night at the theatre was just over a month away and we were already fighting about my upcoming rehearsal schedule.

On those nights when I would simply walk out, leaving him to sit alone in the dark and brood or smash something against his concrete floors, I still lay awake on my crummy pull out couch and ache for him. Sometimes even cry for him. My body feeling adrift without his arm over me or his chest against my back anchoring me down. I’d wake in the morning to sometimes a dozen texts, the last few always sounding defeated. Was I like a drug to him? Possibly.

When I would return, he’d just embrace me, not allowing me to sit anywhere but in his lap, the hurt immediately forgotten. Always making me laugh by being a dork, doing something stupid like shoving his head up my shirt, pretending he was lost or someone had turned out the lights.

Ivar Lothbrok was the love of my life. My partner and my very best friend and I couldn’t imagine life without him. And one day, in an instant, with a single phone call, everything changed.

----

“Hello.”

“Sarah!” Wynne’s urgent tone pulled me from the haze of sleep. Ivar’s heavy arm over my side.

“Wake up.”

“I’m awake.” Pushing down on the mattress, I forced myself up, leaning back against the headboard. Scooting toward me, Ivar again draped his arm across my outstretched legs. “What’s up?” I asked knowing by her rushed voice that this was not a call about scheduling.

“It’s Giovanna. She’s been tapped.”

“What?” my eyes shot wide. “Seriously?”

“Yes, Paris baby. And guess what else?”

“What?”

“You’re up girl. You’re in. You got lead. Board decided this morning. This is your official call.”

Mouth gaping, I couldn’t say a word.

“Sarah! You’re our new principal starting opening night. 4 weeks today.”

“Oh my god,” I replied in a whisper, looking down to Ivar’s face, half-buried in his soft pillow. As if feeling my eyes on him, his armed squeezed my legs.  

“Right!?”

“Wow.”

“Yep, get in here so we can talk about your contract. Practice for you starts, like now.”

“Yeah, okay. Oh my god. Ok. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Dropping my phone onto the duvet, I exhaled loudly, closing my eyes. The thoughts were entering my brains so quickly, I felt as if I couldn’t hold on to a single one of them. I needed to get to the theatre.  

“Ivar, I’m dancing lead.”

Looking up, he withdrew his arm, turning onto his side.

“I gathered, congratulations.”

“Giovanna…. she’s going. I learned so much from her. Now, I have to be her?”

“No, baby, be you. You’ve earned this. We should celebrate,” shifting closer, he lifted his head, extending his arms and yanked me by the waist down beside him.

“No,” I smiled, pushing meekly on his chest as he leaned in kissing the side of my face. “They are expecting me.”

“I’m expecting you,” he smirked rolling onto his back, heaving me over to straddle his waist.

“Come on. Let me just slip it in really quick before you go.”

“Ivar! Really romantic,” I laughed, looking down, pushing my legs further apart as his hands slid up my thighs, grabbing my hips and grinding up against me.

“I’ll make it the most romantic 3 minutes of your life.”

“Okay,” I laughed again, pulling off my camisole, bending down to get my morning kiss.  

----

The first week, I rehearsed full days often staying into the evening. Declining Ivar’s offers of picking me up or bringing me supper at the theatre. Hyper focussed, I did not want any interruption or distraction, not a single break in the pace I had set. At first, Ivar was understanding but within days, I could sense his hurt.

When I would arrive to his place late in the evening, he would go through the motions of being the supportive boyfriend, rubbing my feet, offering food, a hot bath but I could feel the resentment. His love making was needier, demanding, even pushy.  Or, perhaps, I was beginning to detach. My mind, previously filled with thoughts of him and us, was consumed with preparation and the expectations of the following day’s practice. That and my body needed sleep, terribly. Not two hours of sex when I was already facing a short night with an early morning start.

Around and around we went the first week, the more I withdrew, the more desperate he became for my affection. Constantly needing reassurance. By the second week, I just couldn’t return to his place after rehearsal. I walked into my apartment, looking around as if I had never lived there. Texting him that night, I lied. My first ever lie to him. To my best friend and the love of my life. Said there was a problem with the water lines and the building manager had called. Explained that since I was already there, I was just going to head to bed.

The following night, I again returned to my apartment, and the night after that, my excuses sounding weaker and weaker and his frustration only growing. I started leaving out the back door of the theatre like some woman in hiding avoiding her abuser who may or may not be waiting in an SUV out front. My Poor Ivar. His only crime was loving me fiercely, compulsively. But I just couldn’t deal with it.

He called and called and texted. I began hitting the DECLINE button as I had no idea what to say and no extra energy to diffuse his upset. I was exhausted and it was make or break time. Do or die. I didn’t want us to be over. Not at all. Hitting that red ignore button on my phone was me wanting a pause. A pause on us - our relationship until after opening night, after the first couple of weeks when I had proven myself worthy of replacing Giovanna and beating out Nicole the other second.  New steps, a new role, the pressure of representing the theatre, not to mention, the ticking clock counting down the dwindling timeline for my career. My life! Twenty-two years of ballet and in a matter of weeks, it would all be put to the test.

Ivar was an intelligent man, he loved me and wanted me to succeed but he had never known hunger. Couldn’t possibly understand what it was like to be a woman fighting in a world filled with talent for a chance. With no money, no family to fall back on. His circumstance and mine weren’t his fault but in the back of my mind, I worried his need for me overpowered his ability to support my success.

The truth was I loved him. I wanted to spend my life with him, but I couldn’t deal with him now. After two weeks of this cat and mouse game, a switch flipped, and I stopped all communication. No more excuses. Nothing.

Asleep one night on my pull-out couch in my studio apartment, a knock on my front door woke me at 2am. Like a cold-hearted coward, I froze, laying in my bed, pretending I wasn’t there. The knocking turned into banging and I literally pulled the covers up and cried. Cried because I needed him to leave me alone. The noise stopped and at some point, he left. When I opened the door in the morning, there was a bouquet of pink tulips thrown on the dirty carpet of the hallway. My poor Ivar. He was hurting and I kept shutting him out.

My phone blew up with texts for days and days, angry and demanding and I deserved it. Every word. How does a person cut another from their life like that? The last I read before turning off my phone was a plea for us to meet at Piccolo's to talk. I couldn’t. It would not be just supper. He would want more, everything, and I would give it to him. I needed to stay away. By the third week, his texts stopped. No more calls or long voicemails.

As much as I kept my mind on the steps, on the music, on my breath, my heart ached for him. Physically hurt as I sensed his rejection and pain. I was torturing him and at the same time, I had to dance like I was as free as a bird.

----

The black SUV should have stood out to me but it didn’t. My mind was on the morning ahead as I raced down the sidewalk at 7am with a paper cup of coffee and my gym bag slung over my shoulder. The door of the vehicle opened, and my steps slowed as I noticed the familiar sight of Ivar’s cane hitting the sidewalk and him stepping out from behind the door. Nearing dropping my coffee, my eyes widened, shocked at how broken he looked. Pained, angry, pale, his blue eyes watery as if he hadn’t seen sleep in days.

My reaction? I glanced at the door of the theatre to calculate whether I could make it inside before he could stop me. Who had I turned into? I wasn’t afraid of him so why was I doing this? Had I subconsciously, or even conscientiously decided that being with him would cost me my career? Like I had cost my mother’s when she was left pregnant.

“Sarah.”

Sounding like a ghost his voice pulled me out of my thoughts, my focus returning to his hardened face.

Sarah?” he repeated again, frustration flaring in his tone. “You can’t be bothered to pick up my calls or even make excuses anymore? I have to come here, and catch you off guard like an insane person? Baby,” he pleaded, his face contorting with emotion, “I, I can’t believe this. Any of this. That you can just drop us.”

“Ivar, I can’t do this right now.” My brows pulled together, and I knew I looked like I was begging.

“You are going to blow me off when I am right in front of you? Sarah! If I’m awake, I‘m missing you. Fuck! I can barely…” looking down, he shook his head, shuffling his cane and I could tell he was working hard at controlling himself.

“I will call you later. Tonight. Ok?”

“But you won't,” he shook his head again,” looking up.

Breaking from his intense glare, I dropped my eyes to the pavement, holding back the wisps of loose hair flying around my face. I didn’t know what to say. I just needed to get inside.

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” I whispered, stepping forward and heading for the front door.

“Wait,” he cried, and I felt a tug on my gym bag and shoulder. Snapping my head to look, his hand was gripping the side of my bag.

I must have looked panicked as when I pulled away, he quickly let go, sending me tumbling sideways, and down flat on the sidewalk

“Baby!” he yelled, shuffling over me, his hands grabbing trying to pull me up. “Baby, I’m so sorry. Fuck, are you alright? It was an accident. I’m so sorry,” he rushed, looking horrified.

Awkwardly he pulled me up onto my feet, spilled coffee all over the pavement. “Are you okay?” he reached forward and I stepped back, blocking his embrace.

As if I had kicked him in the groin, he gasped at my rejection.

“Baby, I didn’t mean for you to fall.” His voice was barely above a whisper.

“I know!” I shot back impatiently, straightening my clothes. “I know it was an accident.” Looking back up to his sad eyes. “I have to go.”

“Sarah, are you alright?” a man’s voice came from the theatre door. Turning I saw the guy who did our lighting, standing in the doorway, holding the glass door open.

“Is she alright?” Ivar’s head shot back. “I’m trying to talk to my girlfriend, thanks,”

“Doesn’t look like she wants to talk to you.” He yelled back, matching Ivar’s volume.

“It’s none of your goddamn business.” Ivar barked over my head.

“That’s enough,” I muttered, turning back to the theatre.

“Todd, it's okay. Thank you. It's fine. Really. I’m coming right in.”

Nodding, Todd flashed Ivar a poignant look before letting the door close.

“What kind of fucking name is Todd? Is he some teen lifeguard?”

“Ivar, please,” I kept my voice soft, turning to look at him, embarrassed by the seen we were creating. “Just go. I know it was an accident. Please,” my voice cracked, and tears began to fill my eyes. “I can’t do this right now. I’m….” shaking my head, I felt everything inside me shatter, all the pressure of opening night less than a week away. “I can’t do this Ivar,” I repeated, throwing my hands up frantically, my voice wavering.

Frowning his eyes bore into mine, “Can’t do what? Us?”

“Yeah.” I choked out the word feeling no relief. “I can’t do us…anymore.”

“Baby...” his eye narrowed, his mouth falling open in disbelief, “don’t do this. Please,” slowly he shook his head, uncertainty, fear, devastation in his startling blue eyes. His hands hung heavily at his sides, his fingers twitching like all he wanted was to reach for me and wrap me in his arms.

“I’m sorry Ivar,” I whispered, taking a step back. I had to put him out of this misery. “It’s over.”

His eyes flashed wide with the final blow and I turned toward the theatre, making my way through the front doors without looking back to the man I had felt was my forever.

----

It was time. Opening night. The steps ingrained in my mind as if I had choreographed the ballet myself. I could dance them without music, without cues, in the pitch black, prepared as anyone could be.

Sitting on my chair in a dressing room, I stared into the mirror. My eyes and brows heavily lined, the border of bright lights reflecting in my eyes and I felt...numb. No, not numb, I felt sad. Empty. There was a dull hum inside my head dampening any sense of nervousness or excitement. I glanced at the screen on my phone for the hundredth time in an hour but it was still black. No messages.

Leaning forward, toward the mirror, I inspected my make-up again, turning my head side to side, the harsh rouge on my cheeks stretching up to my temples. I felt ugly. Hideous. Like a monster who could eat her own young. Placing my arms across the table, I lowered my head, resting my forehead on the edge.

A knock on the door startled me and I lifted my head peering into the mirror at the reflection of the door behind.

Wynne poked her head in, “Knock, knock,” her black bob framing her round face. Opening the door wider, she stepped in holding a vase of pink tulips.

“We usually have to wait until the end of the show to get flowers,” I said. 

“Not you miss. Not when you have your own cheerleading section.”

“Hmm?” I squinted, the pressed powder on my face feeling as if it might crack.

“Ivar,” she lifted the vase slightly, frowning as if I should know what she was talking about.

“What?”

“You guys are still not talking? He's in the balcony with his family.”

“What!” I spun in the chair, turning to look at her. “How do you know?”

Entering, she kicked the door closed behind and walked over, placing the glass vase on my make-up table, quickly taking a seat at the next station.

“A group of gorgeous men, two of whom have women with them, and all have the last name Lothbrok.”

“Oh my god. I’ve never even met them.” My eyes shot wide. “Ivar never wanted to because of family tension...” shaking my head, “the oldest two are married. It must be…” my voice fell silent. Saying nothing, I looked down, fiddling with the sheer material of my costume. “Wynne,” I whimpered, “I’ve been so terrible to him.”

“Awe don’t worry. You have all season to make it better.”

“What do you mean?” lifting my chin, I looked back up to her.

“He’s reserved the balcony every Saturday until the new year.”

“What!” 

“Yes, he must be loaded.” She jerked her head toward the huge bouquet. “There’s a card there.”

Reaching for the vase, I spun it, grabbing the white envelope with gold trim tucked inside the rim.

“Shit, do you think I should read it before I go on.”

“Up to you but....yes. You are obviously thinking about him and he’s here so he’s obviously thinking about you.”

Blowing air out between my lips, I tore open the envelope, pulling out the card.

“Stay though, okay? While I read it?”

“Yep.”

Looking down I was hit with a surge of excitement as I saw that the card was completely filled with Ivar’s perfectly symmetrical writing.

Sarah,

I know that I acted horribly and was out of line the other day. I am not sure anyone will ever understand what having you in my life means to me. It’s no excuse though.

I am so proud of you and how hard you have worked to get here. You are such a strong person and I hope you are not upset that I had to come tonight and watch this incredible moment in your life.

I fell for you the second you got into my car that night at the auction. Hopelessly and completely and I acknowledge how smothering and controlling I’ve been since. I have never felt this way before and was terrified that if I loosened my grip, you’d slip away. It left you feeling divided and I know I put you in the position where you felt you couldn’t have it all. I should have been championing you toward your dreams from the start. You deserve everything.

I accept your decision to focus on your dancing and I will support you from afar. I wish I could have been there with you tonight, taking your photo, kissing you good luck before you went on but here we are.

My brother asked why I was so broken and why I was convinced I had to be with you. I know in my heart, in my bones, that it just won't ever be anyone else. What I’m saying is that I love you, Sarah. I love you. I know that I have never said those actual words. God, I should have. A thousand times. They just never felt big enough and I have seen what people do to each other who use them. But I love you.

Lastly, I’m sorry I didn’t know how to do this better.

Enjoy every second of tonight. You will be amazing.

Yours,

Ivar.

Pressing the card to my chest, I slouched against the back of the chair, closing my eyes, willing away the tears.

Emboîté, emboîté, the voice of my first ballet teacher rang through my head. Emboîté, she would call out to us little girls floundering like ducklings across the vast wooden floor.

Turning to Wynne, I smiled, sniffling through my tears. “Do you have a pen, and can you take something to Ivar? Right away?”

----

Dear Ivar,

There are things to talk about but most importantly, I am so incredibly sorry and I love you too. So much. I want us to be together, in fact, I want to move in. Formally move in, if you’ll still have me, of course.

No matter how crazy life gets, let us have the comfort of each other every night and together learn how to do this properly. I will see you after the show and I am so glad you are here. It would not be the same without you.

Yours always,

Sarah

----

When I landed and lifted my head listening to the eruption of applause, I took my bow and for the first time looked into the light. Tipping my face up, I focussed on the balcony and smiled with all my heart at Ivar who, up from his chair, stood staring down, pounding his hands together, clapping. The white envelope was tucked under his arm and his beautiful smile was lit with the brightness of our future.

@youbloodymadgenius @naaladareia @funmadnessandbadassvikings @redama @mdredwine @didiintheblog @yourpurplequeen @londongal2810 @fields-and-fields-of-poppies @hexqueensupreme @littlecarolina94 @oddsnendsfanfics  @youbelongeverywhere @blonddnamedhandz @waiting4inspiration  @zuxiezendler @heavenly1927  @jzr201 @hecohansen31

[staticscreenwriting]

Where the sun sets in a perfect sky - Billy Hargrove

Synopsis: Billy’s less sad. (Y/N)’s kinda happy. California feels like home and the salty ocean air makes teenagers horny.

A/N: This is part two to this imagine. There’s borderline smut in here but I marked the start and end if it so if that’s not your thing you can skip it. Please let me know if you want more of these two because I do have a lot more ideas for their story.

Tell me secrets, 'cause I know you're scared And you dream of California, tonight If you wait up, I could meet you there And we could be in California tonight When everything that I can see Goes dark I feel you here with me And I, I'm holding on to you When shadows try to swallow me You're the only light I'll ever need And I, I'm holding on to you

“ I remember this one time when my dad took me on a trip to San Francisco and we had ice cream and sodas and we were standing there watching out onto the bay and I saw a fin reaching out of the water for a mere second.  I was so sure it was a mermaid. Like in my tiny childhood brain it was the only logical conclusion. It didn’t even occur to me that it was most likely a seal. I was so passionately convinced that I had just seen a mermaid. From that moment on I wanted to be a mermaid myself. We had a little pool in our backyard and all I did all day that summer, was swim and dive and splash around. Because that’s all I wanted to be with my heart and soul. I don’t remember if I knew that mermaids aren't real and just wanted to stay blissfully ignorant or if I honestly believed in it and just allowed myself to feel the magic. I wish I could feel this passionate about something now. Like — back then my dream was to become a mythical creature from a fairy tale. Now my biggest goal is to survive high school and not drown in my own stupid teenage-despair. Isn’t that kind of — kind of sad ? “

Billy is looking out at the waves as she talks. There’s something about California that makes him feel lighter, warmer, like the world is still shit but it’s wrapped in a veil of familiarity and comfort. This is home and his heart is still heavy and mind is still racing but this is home.

When he doesn’t react, (Y/N) speaks up again.

“ What did you want to be ? “

Loved, he thinks. He doesn’t say that though.

“ A racecar driver. A musician. A wrestler. A tv host. A pirate “

“ You’d be a good pirate “

“ Thanks “ he thinks so too. He suits eyeliner and earrings.

“ Not a basketball player ? “

“ No “

“ Why not ? “

He’s never told this to anyone. But (Y/N) isn’t just anyone. She’s the girl he had one conversation with. The girl that understands. The girl that took all her savings and packed her bags in one night to take a flight to California with him. She’s (Y/N).

“ I hate basketball. I’m just good at it. Being good at something means succeeding, means having something to tell my dad about. Means I get a pat on the back. It’s one of the few times his hand doesn’t leave a mark. “

For a moment (Y/N) resorts to letting the warm sand run through her fingers, carefully considering the words she’s about to speak.

“ You do it because you’re good at it but you also hate it ? Doesn’t that make you — I don’t know. Doesn’t it make you feel miserable ? “

“ It makes me angry “

She softly places her head on his shoulder “ I am angry too “

“ Why ? “

“ Because I don’t know who I am “

That is something Billy never would’ve expected. The girl with the pink fur coat, the personality so loud and so unapologetically herself, doesn’t know who she is.

“ What’s that supposed to mean ? “

He can feel her soft skin on his shoulder, the fan of her lashes as she closes her eyes for a moment. Billy doesn’t think anything has ever felt this intimate in all his life. Not the sex with girls at school, not the kisses from the few girlfriends he’s had back here in California. Nothing.

“ When my parents died, everything changed. People’s perception of me changed. I was expected to either go down the wrong path and become a horrible person who blames their terrible behavior on their tragic life story. Or I was gonna become this saint of a person who takes strength from their struggles and the obstacles life throws their way. And it’s like — people who don’t experience a loss like I did, like you did, they don’t get it. Life doesn’t go one of two ways. Life just becomes this tangled web of good days and bad days and I don’t know how to navigate my own feelings, how am I supposed to deal with people’s expectations of how I’m meant to grief ? Does this make sense ? I feel like I’m talking gibberish. “

It doesn’t make sense but he understands perfectly.

“ When I cry or lash out or get angry, people will think I am having a meltdown and can’t deal with my shit. When I don’t cry people will think I’m heartless. I can’t win. It’s bad enough everyone thinks I’m weird already. I just — I’m trying. And that makes me angry. Having to police my grief so I don’t upset anyone. Having to restrain my personality so I don’t get perceived in a way that I don’t want to be perceived. The fact that I even care makes me the most angry “

He places a kiss on her head. She smells like the ocean air already. He thinks this is his favourite scent of all time. Her. Her and home.

“ How do you deal with your anger ? “

“ I fuck people I don’t love and hope the endorphins kill the pain for a while. You ? “

“ I destroy stuff “

“ That’s not healthy “

He just nods.

There’s no judgement here where usually that’s all there would be. If they weren’t who they are. If it were someone else. But they both get it and they know neither of them is in a position to judge.

“ Why people you don’t love ? “

“ Because It’s different. It doesn’t mean anything. “

“ Have you ever fucked someone you love ? “

“ No, you ? “

“ No. “

And they both know then that something’s changed. That there’s an invisible question, an unspoken promise.

He holds her hand as they walk along the waterfront. There’s wind blowing through her hair and her skirt gets blown up a little every once in a while. She’s watching the people go about their day. He’s watching her.

Sometimes things feel right, like this moment. He always thought that love and joy and all that mushy shit from the songs and the movies wasn’t meant for him so he deemed it not worth the effort and tried to forget about it. But now that he gets a glimpse, a spark of what could be, he thinks it’s not so bad.

He grabs her hand tighter, he doesn’t want this feeling to go away. Ever.

“ I gotta show you something “ Billy exclaims and pulls her down a little sideroad.

There’s shops that sell cheap sunglasses and fans and postcards. A seafood store. A burger joint. And the arcade.

Nestled between the arcade and a 7/11 type store, is a shop that looks closed. Looks like it hasn’t been open in years. (Y/N) thinks they might’ve sold what looks like vintage cameras, films and polaroids. Billy holds her by the hand and walks her past the store and around the corner.

There’s a bunch of cutout photo frames, the kind you’d find at the end of a pier. The ones you put your face through and take funny pictures for you family photo album.

“ This is so cool, where are we, Billy ? “

“ When I was a kid my mom used to work here and sometimes when she worked weekends she let me come with her. The owner of this place always put one of the cutouts in front of the store for people to take their picture and then have it developed there. They used to switch out the cutouts every once in awhile and when they weren’t used they were stored here. This alley was closed off then, when the placed closed they opened it up and let the cutouts stand out here to rot away. “

(Y/N) thinks this is adorable. She hasn’t really thought about Billy as a little kid, he’s so cynical and rough. But now, she can just imagine little blonde billy with his big blue eyes playing around here. Pretending to be the people on the cutouts.

“ Which one was your favorite ? The strong man ? “

“ Actually no. I liked the superhero best. And the one with the suit and the tophat “.

“ A gentleman huh ? “

“ Like no other, baby. “

And they laugh. And it feels good.Therapeutic. Like for a little while his heart is less heavy. His head is less crowded. And his anger is gone.

“ There’s one I think you’ll like “

He pulls her along by her hand, past the strong man and the neanderthals and the sailor. In the back there’s a princess and a bride and a sea serpent. And in the middle of them all, like it was placed there specifically just for her. There’s a mermaid there.

“ Today you get to be a mermaid “

She wants to cry and laugh at the same time. To everyone else this would be cute, yes but also not that special. But to her it means everything. Because he cares. He tries. He delivers. With Billy things are reckless and cautious at once. With him everything feels twice as much. Her heart beats twice as fast and she fears that it will hurt twice as much once they have to go back to Hawkins and leave behind the magic that is today. That is California, that is home that is this little bubble they’ve created for themselves.

“ Thank god I brought the polaroid “ she exclaims and fumbles it from her bag, pushing it into Billy’s hand and rushing behind the cutout.

As she puts her head through the hole and becomes a mermaid, there’s a smile spreading on her face that, Billy is sure, can light up the entire city. The entire world. His world for sure.

Never in his life has he felt like his happiness was dependant on someone else. On someone else’s happiness. Now he does. It scares him to his bones but it also makes his heart feel all warm and his tummy all jittery.

This feels too good to be real. Too good to last. He’s scared of the end but he’s too happy to think about that right now.

And so he smiles back. And he’s missed genuinely smiling. He’s missed it so much.

He takes a picture and shakes it then hands it to her, her head still placed in the cutout.

“ You were born to be a mermaid “

“ I agree “ she says, a smile hidden in every word. (Y/N) places the photo in her purse and beckons him closer.

“ You just put a little magic back in my life “ she says and he comes closer and closer, and it’s awkward because her face is still stuck through the cutout and there’s a wooden wall around her but he can’t stop now. He doesn’t want to.

Their noses touch, then their lips. It’s gentle and slow but filled with a desire they can feel all around them. The desire that’s been there since their first conversation in Hawkins.

When they kiss it’s saliva and tongue and biting lips and breaths mingling and love.

“ I want to fuck you “

She doesn’t think she’s ever had more romantic words spoken to her in all her life.

“ I want to know what it feels like to fuck someone I love. “

She’s pink. The entire fucking motel room is pink. They’ve been given the room that has a straight on view of the neon sign advertising the “ Red Sunset Motel” .

She’s pink. And sweaty. And warm. And so so soft.

Her hands are moving up his torso, over his stomach, his shoulders, his neck. She takes his face in between them and just looks at him for a moment. There’s something in her eyes he can’t place. He doesn’t really want to either. It’s like she sees more in him. So much more than anyone ever did. Than anyone ever bothered looking for.

“ You’re beautiful “

He’s never been called beautiful. Handsome, sure. Sexy, a lot. Hot, all the time. Never beautiful. If anyone else would’ve said it he would’ve felt emasculated. Not with her.

For a lack of anything to respond, he kisses her. There’s a lot he could say, a lot he wants to say, but none of it feels right in this moment. Kissing her does. Nothing’s ever felt more right.

She still smells like the ocean and she tastes like cherry slushie.

There’s a lot of kissing and touching. A lot of soft whispers and deep breaths. He knows that’s gonna change in a minute but he wants it now. Just like this. Like he’s never had it before.

- This is where the “smut” starts -

When she wiggles out of her panties, Billy thinks it’s hilarious. It’s awkward and not like the movies at all. It’s a lot of moving around in weird angles and trying to get it right. They never show that. But they don’t show the blushed cheeks either, the embarrassed glances and the laughs that follow.

He’s never wanted it before. It was all fast and rough and meaningless. A race to get off and get out.

Her skin is warm as he kisses down her body. Her eyes are locked on the ceiling but he’s looking up at her over and over again. He wants to see her, see what he does to her. See that he can make her feel good. Make her forget. Make her stop hurting. Make her cum.

“ Can I lick your pussy “

No one’s ever outright asked her things like this before. So dirty. So raunchy, so vulgar. So hot. She thinks asking for consent is probably the sexiest thing she ever experienced.

She nods. Because who the fuck wouldn’t ?

Every nerve in her body is working on overdrive. There’s goosebumps up and down her arms and with every kiss he places on her it gets more. And more. And more.

And her breath gets heavier and her eyes close and then flutter. And the knot in the lower part of her stomach gets tighter and tighter.

Billy is the first person to do this to her. Other stuff, she’s done that sure, but not this. Her toes curl and her fingers hold onto the bed sheets like her life depends on it. In that moment it really feels like it.

His tongue draws little circles and she’s sure he’s done this before. It just feels so overwhelmingly amazing. There’s no sliver of pain, no hint of anger. Nothing. It’s all tingles and joy and a buzz of adrenaline and happiness.

She has to bite her lips so hard she’s sure she’s drawing blood. There’s no fireworks or stars or butterflies but there is an orgasm that’s shaking her to her bones. That’s making her grab onto Billy’s stupid mullet she adores a little if we’re being honest.

And when she’s calmed down a little he lifts his head and smiles. His smile is fucking great, she decides.

There’s not a sliver of skin Billy doesn’t kiss when he comes back up. When he reaches her lips the kisses get rougher, there’s more tongue, more saliva, more biting and deeper breaths. There’s more urgency. Making her cum has only made him more excited for what's to come.

He loves this girl. This girl who understands in a way he thought no one ever would. The girl who feels so lost and yet she might just be his destination. This girl that’s stumbled into his life during one of the worst times. Who doesn’t take the pain away forever but who gives him something to numb it. To forget about the pain for a while.

There’s some stumbling off of the bed and awkward searching around in his wallet before he finds a condom. The films don’t show this either but it makes for more laughs. And he’s honestly fine with anything that makes her laugh.

The moment he pushes in isn’t magical or special. But when he holds still and she grabs onto his sides and they look at each other breathing deeply, something’s there that’s not been there before.

Her smile is a sign for him to start moving and man does he deliver. (Y/N) swears this boy might just be the death of her. Where he’s learned to move like that, hit just the right spot at just the right speed, she doesn’t know. But he’s good. He’s so so good.

Billy relishes the feelings running through his body. It feels like this is the first time he’s properly experiencing sex. There’s no music blasting through speakers, no concern in the back of his mind about the leather seats of his car, nothing. Just (Y/N) and him.

There’s a need to go faster rougher and by the look on her face she feels it to. So he does that. Goes faster. Harder. Holds onto her tighter. Moves her legs up a little so he can go deeper.

It’s dirty sex. Wild sex. Sex that would make other people jealous. Because it’s also really really good. And it means something to them both that they can’t put into words but it’s there.

Billy holds onto her face and smothers her in a kiss as he comes. He wants her to come first but there’s no holding back for him now. She’s not far behind though. He can feel her tighten, feel her fingers grasp onto him, see her eyes close and there’s a moan that sounds so sexy, so sweet so satisfying. It’s a job well done for him. He wants to give himself a pat on the back but that would be a douchebag move. Steve Harrington does shit like that, probably.

- “smut” ends here -

They’re kissing some more. If this is all he gets to do for the rest of his life, Billy thinks he’ll die a happy man.

Postcoital bliss settles upon the room. Everything is still pink. Everything is still quiet. It’s just them and their breaths and their thumping hearts and those unspoken words that something has changed.

“ I want a house by the ocean “ It’s Billy who speaks up. Something inside him wants to let go. Let it all out and release it into the word. Even if the world is just their tiny pink motel room. Even if the world is only her.

He rolls off of her and settles on his side. His fingers trace along her shoulder, down her arm and back up again before he links them with her hand that’s resting on her stomach.

“ A house by the ocean ? “

“ Yeah, or maybe an apartment. It doesn’t matter. I want to live by the beach though. I wanna have a dog, a big one with lots of fluffy fur. I wanna have a wife and a child or two. I want to — I want to be a good husband. A good father. I want to right all the wrongs that I’ve had to live through “.

(Y/N) can just imagine him in his little blue house by the ocean. No mullet. He’s a little more tan and a little more at ease. His blue eye are happy and he’s cuddling a little child in his arms and he’s — happy. Next time she eats pop rocks she’ll make sure to spend her wish on him. On his future. And maybe, if there’s a wish to spare, she’ll take it for herself and wish to be a part of that future.

“ I don’t wanna leave “

“ The bed ? “ Billy asks and throws her a wink. In that moment she sees a spark of the Billy Hargrove that walks the halls of Hawkins High and scores on the Basketball field. She hasn’t really given him a lot of thought back then. She likes her Billy better but it’s nice to see this side of him up close too.

“ The bubble. I wanna stay in California forever “

He does too. So badly. He doesn’t know if there’s ever been anything he wanted more.

“ Would you freak out if I told you I loved you ? “

“ Are we talking hypothetically ? “

“ Yeah “ he nods “ asking for a friend. “

“ No, I wouldn’t. I’d probably tell you that I love you too. “

“ That’s good to know “

They’re quite for another moment. Not because there isn’t anything to say but because they don’t need to say anything. This silence isn’t asking to be filled with unnecessary commentary.

They just are. Alive. In love. Happy.

And it’s enough for a while.

But good things don't last. They don’t. Not in a world like this, (Y/N) thinks.

There’s a shadow of doubt creeping into the back of her head.

“ Do you think It’s too early for us to feel like this ? Isn’t love supposed to be this special thing that takes time and effort ? It never happens like this in movies. It never happened like this to anyone I know “ .

“ Who says that ? The love-police ? “

She laughs and jokingly slaps his chest “ be serious “.

“ I am. Look — I don’t think there’s a rulebook for this kind of shit. It feels good doesn’t it ? “

“ Very “

“ And it feels right ? “

“ Yes. “

“ And it makes us happy ? “

“ Correct “

“ Why should we let anyone else’s idea of what love’s supposed to be diminish what we have then ? Isn’t that what we’re about ? Fucking everyone else’s perception of things, not giving a shit about their morals and beliefs ? I know I’ve never felt this way about any other person, ever. I don’t give a fuck if it took me two years or two days, all I know is that I am in love with you. With us. With our little world where things are — alright. This, I promise, is not gonna stop once we get back to Hawkins. It’s not gonna be this easy, this light but we’ll figure it out. Because I need you and you need me and we need this. Something to remind us that life is shit but there’s some things that make it all worth it. And also the sex was pretty fucking mind blowing and I wanna do that many more times. “

She knows that he just gave her a love confession Billy Hargrove style if she’s ever heard one and that she should probably answer with words just as heartfelt. She doesn’t though.

“ Wanna go again ? “

“ What kinda question is that ? “

“ So yes ?

“ Fuck yeah “.

Rain is pouring down as they stroll along the beach. Her hair is clinging to her face and Billy looks like a wet poodle, he’s fairly sure. But she wanted to see the beach one last time before they have to leave to catch their flight.

“ You’re gonna get sick “

“ I don’t care “

“ I’m gonna get sick “

“ Don’t be a baby, Billy ! ” she says and smiles at him. He thinks the rain isn’t so bad if she’s smiling.

She’s smiling and twirling and being as a posterchild for weird. Billy loves it.

“ I wanna come back. 5 years from now. I wanna be back here and I wanna be here with you and I wanna be this happy and I wanna — I wanna feel alive and not angry and not hurt. “

Billy takes her face between his hands and brushes away the wet strands of hair that cling to her skin.

“ I’ll be there “

“ Yeah ? “

“ Yeah, I’ll be wherever you want me to be, baby. I’ll follow you anywhere. I think — ah fuck this is cheesy but uh — I think I can be happy wherever you are. “

And he really thinks so. Suddenly Hawkins doesn’t sound so bad if he imagines (Y/N) there. Kissing beneath the bleachers at school, cheering him on during his basketball games, long night drives with pop rocks and Dr. Pepper, sex on the backseat, sex with someone he loves, sharing secrets, sharing fears, and hopes, and dreams. If she’s there maybe life doesn’t have to suck.

His lips meet hers and once again he’s reminded that this isn’t like the movies. Kisses in the pouring rain, stuck in the wet sand of the beach, are hardly romantic. It’s wet and soggy and inconvenient.

But he’ll take every awkward kiss with her over a kiss with anyone else.

“ Whatever happens, we’ll always have California “

And it sounds like a promise coming from her. That things are gonna be good. Happy. That whatever happens, nothing will change what happened on this trip. Nothing will ever be able to make them forget what it felt like to be loved. Nothing will take this away from them.

California is theirs. Now and forever.

Taglist: @hotstuffhargrove (ngl I fangirled a little, I love your tumblr)

[taeenosaurr-blog]

Recently, I’ve seen a lot of negativity and hateful words being directed towards Taehyung. I honestly don’t understand why anyone in the world would ever have a bad word to say about this precious little angel.. it breaks my heart. Tae is the sweetest of souls, he truly is a little fluff ball, I’ve never come across a person so special, so unique in my entire life. He is someone we should cherish and protect forever. I don’t understand how anyone could hate this boy at all. 

I can’t even blame the haters fully, members of our own fandom have been making horrible comments, not just towards tae but to other members also. It blows my mind, we swore to love these boys, to protect them at all costs but some of us bash them and pick at them other the smallest thing. The boys are forever expressing their love for us and some of you can even repay them with kind words. Unbelievable. 

The comments that have been made are extremely ignorant. I know people are picking at the fact that taehyung has become a lot more quiet, he isn’t as out spoken, as loud, as bubbly and vibrant as before. We all need to understand not just the haters, but members of this fandom also, he hasn’t had the easiest of times. None of the boys have, but for taehyung in particular he lost his beloved grandmother who basically raised him, I myself recently lost someone who I was extremely close to. My grandfather. So speaking from experience, I can relate fully to the pain he goes through daily. It is an unexplaiable feeling losing someone whom you love will all your heart and more. You feel lonely even if you're surrounded by people. The pain becomes unbearable. He had to deal with that while still in the public eye, he had to put on a brave face, probably fake millions of smiles, because the last thing he would want was to show us he was hurting and upset us. That would have hurt him more. He hasn’t had a chance to grieve properly. 

To make everything worse, he recently lost one of his close friends to suicide. Losing someone in general is extremely hard, but losing someone under those circumstances must be terrible. You’ll spend your days questioning yourself, asking yourself if you could have done something, if you saw something that could have changed how they felt, if you played a part in that person feeling so low. We all know it obviously hadn’t got anything to do with tae or anything he’d said, but you still ask yourself those questions. He needs to grieve for his friend, for their friendship, for the time they no longer have together. 

People have also been making comments about his weight calling him “fat” I find those kind of statements hilarious. How is he fat?? He doesn’t even have a tummy really. He’s perfectly healthy. I personally love his little tummy. It’s adorable. If you remember his comment he said “my Grandma likes me chubby.” Our Taehyung isn’t fat nor is he chubby. He’s perfect, every inch of him is perfect. People have been calling him “ugly” too. I’ve just got one thing to say about that. He’s the visual. Do you know what that means? Out of all the members in BTS, he’s the one that matches closest with Koreas ideal standard of beauty. Our tae isn’t ugly he is breathtakingly beautiful. This man honestly takes my breath away. He’s a beautiful human on the inside and out. 

I thought all K-Pop fans would have learned after the tragedy with Jonghyun, but clearly we haven’t learnt a thing. When are you people going to learn that your words hurt? When are you going to learn that when you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it? We should all think ourselves lucky that we still have our Idols, because some of us don’t anymore. We should love and cherish them, but when we know they are going through a hard time we should send them even more love and keep them in our thoughts and prayers, while wishing nothing but for them to be full of happiness and stay healthy. I notice the people who are complaining about taehyung being distant, quiet and withdrawn haven’t stopped to think maybe he sees all the negative comments? and maybe that’s playing on his mind too? 

As i write this I don’t just have taehyung in mind, but the rest of BTS, whatever group you support. By now we all should know how demanding and tiresome the society is korea, why add them even more pressure by criticizing everything about them. They should receive nothing but love and support from their fans. Please just spread nothing but love and positive vibes. Cherish every single moment, every single smile, every single laugh. Everyone goes through hardships, most of the time we don’t know whats going on behind closed doors. We may see someone who smiles so bright and tries their hardest to make everyone else happy and laugh and you’d never in a million years think anything was wrong, but once they are alone, the tears fall and the cracks show. Please just be kind. I’m tired of all this negativity, I wan’t to end this little rant of mine with just a few of the reasons why I love taehyung. 

If I were to write down every single reason I have for loving this boy I’d be here for eternity. So I’ll just list a few of my favorites. 

He facetimes with his family and asks them to show him Soonshim [his dog]. He calls us fans “Our lovelies” “Lovelies” “My lovelies” and occasionally “My pretties”. He went “On a date” with his parents. His perfectly uneven eyelids. He has one double eyelid and one monolid, and it’s beautiful. He cuddles things when he’s sleeping. His smile. He doesn’t like wearing shoes. He read his first fan mail over and over and over.

I could go on forever, my little angel is the cutest. I hope he never goes a day without understanding how much he’s loved and how special he is. Our Taehyung we love you, we love every little thing about you. I wish the rest of our year is filled with happiness, love and that you don’t lose that beautiful smile on your face. That is by far my most favorite thing about him. ♡

[mybumpbirthandbeyond]

The Shape of My Life

I’m in the best shape of my life. Or I certainly was pre-second pregnancy and I’m certainly on my way to that again.

To look at me, you wouldn’t think so. Quads are visible and strong; biceps, triceps and most of my shoulder and back muscles are more defined than they have ever been in my life (I actually always debated if I even had those muscles before 🤣); and even at my tummy, if you ignore the bulging abdomen, if you look and know what you’re looking for, the lateral abdominals are getting more and more defined all the time. But no one will see past the tummy. Doesn’t matter how muscular everything else looks, it’s the first thing everyone sees and to be honest, it’s the first thing I see. Don’t get me wrong, it’s pleasing to see my hard work pay off elsewhere and even at the tummy, there are still minimal, subtle changes that even I can notice - but it’s whether I let myself notice or not.

Hope kills you. You dare not hope because it hurts when what you’re longing for the most doesn’t materialise. There is enough hurt to go around with this already - daring to hope only to be disappointed, is not something you want to add to the pile.

In the shape of my life physically, does not mean I’m in the shape of my life mentally. The mental side of this condition is without doubt the hardest part. It seeps into everything in your daily life: your clothes, your appearance, your confidence, your self-esteem, your relationships, your body image, the list goes on. I started this journey with blinkers on and blissfully ignorant. I was so focused on what I had to do to get back to ‘normal’, on ‘fixing’ it, that I never stopped. I never allowed myself time to grieve what I had lost/was losing. I never broke down until quite late on. I never allowed myself to feel. One night it just hit me and the floodgates opened. Then I moved past it and was fine. I worked my ass off and became addicted to doing everything I could physically, not just to progress, but to block out the emotion and the mental side. I’ve never actually admitted that to myself or anyone else, but even as I write it, I know it to be true.

This time you would expect it to be different. Knowledge, empowerment, experience and the best team I could ever ask for. I would be seen, and I would have the best support available. Funny thing is, knowledge is actually a double edged sword. Being aware, means I know exactly what this entails: how long this process is, and even then, knowing I’ll probably still never be satisfied with whatever change I can make. The knowledge of where I got to previously - even if it’s not where I wanted to be - hurts. It took so much to get that point and I still had a tummy. This time, the skin alone is enough to tell me I won’t look like I did last time. The timeline is completely different, but I still compare and it’s unbearable. There is no logic or reason, but it just is.

In the day to day, there’s always something to deal with - a comment; a look; an outfit that doesn’t fit. How I have navigated through this minefield so far, tends to be that I allow myself a minute or two, then I put it in a box and move past it. I’ve almost come to accept it - that at least once a day, for god knows how many years, this is just part of my life now. There will be a small shard of glass wedging itself in my heart with each frustration, disappointment and upset. I hope that means I have a bloody big heart.

This time though, there were just too many all at once. Just when I thought I had dealt with one, another came flying out of nowhere and I didn’t properly deal with any of them. I like to think the hand life has dealt me has made me pretty strong, but I’m still human. I needed to call a time out in the dying minutes of the game. I was overwhelmed, and I broke down. I couldn’t breathe. I was being suffocated by it all.

The changes anyone wants to see with this are both physical and aesthetic. Probably the majority of women want aesthetic change and I don’t blame them. I wanted both - I wanted to be as functional as possible and I wanted the aesthetics to change. Maybe that’s greedy - maybe it was too much to hope for given how bad my DR is. The truth is, no matter how many subtle changes I make - visible or not - it will never come quick enough, and it will never be enough. I wish I could be at peace with the way things are, but I can’t. I cannot lower my expectations of and for myself. I’m too stubborn - I refuse to settle and I have been battling with that for probably longer than I am prepared to admit. I want to make myself proud, my family proud and my physios proud. I’m just not there.

It sounds so ungrateful and that’s probably what’s killing me the most. I don’t want to let my physios down - they are the last people I want to let down after everything they have done, and continue to do for me. It feels like I’ve failed them. They are the best team I could ever wish for and ever dare to dream of having. I cannot be satisfied with the way things are, and I’m not getting the results I feel I should that represent the incredible help and support they have given me, or that demonstrate what they have done for me. I don’t think it would make a difference if I trained for hours every single day, I just won’t be where I want to and need to be.

Without having ever admitted this to anyone until recently, (and that includes myself) this is another reason I’m getting surgery. What I can do conservatively will never be enough. However, that doesn’t mean I’m giving up: I’m no quitter. The hidden goal has always been this: I want the surgeon who cuts me open to see every minute of hard work I’ve put in every week since I started 2 years ago, and will continue to put in until the date. I want them to see strong muscle - no matter how separated - and bulk. Lots of muscle bulk. There will be no atrophy, and no visible weakness (other than the obvious). I may not be able to see it, and it may not be visible externally, but if it can be seen on ultrasound, that’s enough to keep me going so that it will be as visible, if not more so, in surgery.

I owe my physios everything. When I say they have changed my life for the better, I mean it. They are far too humble to accept that, but that’s how I feel and that feeling will only deepen as time goes on. They have been there for me during my darkest days, despite the fact I’m probably one of hundreds of patients for each of them. I’m nobody special, but the support they have given me when I’ve needed it most is humbling. They have picked up the pieces of this broken woman and put me back together bit by bit. They will never truly know how much that means. They don’t even know how incredible they are. Doesn’t matter how many times I say it either - they are the most modest people I’ve ever met, who don’t take compliments all that well 😂 So this is a very public thank you to them. The journey would not be a journey without them, and I would not be where I am without them. And that will continue to be the case for however long this journey lasts, and far beyond ❤️

[jayxtrejo]

Unfinished, continued....

I feel empty again, I’m back in solitude..

Things just seem different for some reason, I can’t put my finger on it it’s just a wave of sadness

Either I’m growing with you or out growing you.

Your priorities are becoming more clear.

Im starting to become okay with certain ideas..

I think it’s time..

Im outside again.

I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with, I require a lot of attention, I get upset easily and make a fuss over the smallest things but, but I also tend to over love to care more than I should to give more than I receive to simply just love unconditionally, maybe my problem had been that I’ve never had the same effort reciprocated back.. maybe it’s been given to me in the wrong ways or the ways you think are okay, not the way it should. I have a damaged past and for that same reason I am a better person for YOU today.. but for that same reason I am a damaged individual who’s also just lost and needs guidance who longs to become your only priority maybe I’m selfish, maybe I really am asking you too much, why should I feel the way I do when all I’m honestly asking in return is just your unconditional love and affection and to be made first before everything and everyone.. maybe this wasn’t meant for me, right person wrong time, maybe you’re the one that’s not ready for me.. I’ve been afraid of that scenario tbh but it might be the only thing that makes sense at this point and I don’t know how to really feel about that.

I hate being put second.

Inconsistent, you’re doing it again. Is it really that hard to have even a smidge of your fucking attention. Still facing the same problem. But honestly ima let it fucking go, if you wanna talk to me you would, if you wanted me their you would. If you care you will. I have no control over that.

What’s meant for me will never miss me and what isn’t will make its way out my life without interrupting a thing.

Im sad..

It’s our first anniversary since our “break” and honestly more than ever I want to spend it with you till the night runs down... but of course you have other plans already not involving me & i have to be “okay” with because that’s what you want but it’s not fair...

I want you all to myself..

I love you & miss you so much..

The reality of it all is I’m just damaged goods trying to be enough, I look to you at times, the person I want to be around me is sometimes the person who is also never around when I need the most.. I’ve become to accept that. You don’t understand how much it hurts because of how much I’ve invested.. having a heart this big is such a fucking burden. Cursed if you will.

Why do I allow myself to be put through this..

Will it get better or am I just hoping it will

I have to start facing your reality.. your mindset and wants and needs.. the fact you, might just not be ready..

Im not enough. I’m wearing down.

Distance.

Chance.

Inconsistent.

Sorrow.

Love.

TLC.

Demise.

Uplift.

Im crying again.. just like that first day after the incident..

Im so sorry. I love you.

Waited up all night and still couldn’t get some attention. That’s okay, getting use to it.

I was up all night hoping for a text back..

Today felt a bit easier, still unsettling but easier.

Feeling lonely again.

This range of emotions is terrible...

I miss you.

I love you..

I think one of the scariest parts of all this is that I don’t know what you’re doing or saying on your end.. like I could be over here talking about “we’re good” and all that but your still on your “break” hype saying we aren’t together or worse..

I think that’s always an issue that you never know what the other one is doing behind your back and you will never know, but a FYI you’re always good on my end. Never have to worry, I can’t say the same for you in all honesty & I don’t know how that makes me feel.

I hate not seeing you & it’s killing me not asking to see you but I’m trying to give you that space you ask for yet it just seems like there’s more distance each time.

I hate not being able to hug you all the time as before

I hate not being shown off

I hate this

I hate this I fucking this

I know this is a process but for how much longer..

I guess as long as it takes, right?

It’ll be okay, right?

Yes, it has too..

We didn’t come all this way for nothing. I know we didn’t. We did all this for a reason.. show me.

Love me, miss me, long for me. Please...

I love you..

I hate this fucking distance

I hate not seeing you... I miss you so much.

Your smile

Your face

Your laugh

Your lips

Those big brown eyes

Your little tummy

You, I just miss you.. soooo much.

Had to get on the phone to hear your voice.

That text saying you wanted to tell me “I love you” again made my heart melt.

Sometimes you just gotta accept that certain things are out control & do with whats still their.

Once again, you have just let me down.

It’s sad honestly, not even mad.

I just gotta accept I’m not that important of a person in your life as you say I am. Your actions speak louder than words. Worst part is believing in your words and trusting you all for it to just come crashing down, once again.. you’re the only one who causes this. Yet you expect changes from me when I can’t get the minimum from you.

It’s painful, thinking I come first. Haha, funny how shit works.

Do your thing tho, you just keep showing me where I truly stand in your life.

Why do you love to cause me pain, better yet. Why do I still continue to allow it. Am I just a fool. Do I love you blindly without any restrictions, am I still hoping for the best. Whatever the reason is, I’ll never know.

Each day you just stray more and more. You used to want to spend everyday with me, now I can’t even get the time of day..

It’s changing and it hurts.. it’s killing me on the inside.

I just miss you and wanna see you. But of course you choose others than me as usual..

Sucks that I’m not your priority no more, that whatever we have comes last now. It’s more clear what you really want and where I stand in your life.

I had plans of taking you for a nice dinner tonight then coming home for a movie night and catering to you since you’re not feeling right. But all that’s gone to trash.. you prefer otherwise I’m just not important no more.

Little things..

The effort should be coming from both of us not just me. It’s all one sided & it’s what you want. Not me.

I’m back to looking at my old self in the mirror.

I brought this upon myself, so in reality theirs nothing and no one else to blame but myself.

I always sought out you’d be the correct change and person I needed. Don’t get me wrong, you brought change and you’re someone I love but as the days progress that just seems to be the thing I’m now longing for the most.

What hurts and is upsetting the most is I plan my days along side you telling you about my days and how it went to just having your undivided attention, to be loved and cared for, to give you all I can and within seconds your priorities change and now you’re doing something else. As if you didn’t give two fucks about what our plans and did what you want instead even if that means canceling last minute but hey I’m not surprised, natter a fact I should be used to it by now but here I am still trying to see the better in you.

Sad isn’t it?

The worst part is I’ve told you that I’ve been feeling down and out and just so sad and all I wanted is you, you’re nowhere to be found..

Another possibility is maybe I’m the one for you but you ain’t the one for me.. yet I still chose you.

I had hopes of keeping this note going for years, for us to look back on and reminisce on when we have our children and are enjoying our older years. Today you let your actions do all the talking and after tonight I know what I am and where I stand. Today i am now finished with tears in eyes and glass in my throat. This is my last note, i have one thing left to say, I have loved you from day 1, I have always had trust in you no matter the circumstances, you have been my pride and joy and also my priority for that matter. I have put you above everyone and everything. I have loved you more than I have loved myself. I gave you more than I could ever give anyone. I cherished every second at your side. I craved every last kiss you gave me. I love you with out conditions or restrictions. I gave you my best and it wasn’t enough. You took advantage of me, knowing I’d forgive you every time. You made me look a fool infront of others and never gave me my place. I wasn’t your priority. Talk was cheap. I wanted you forever and you wanted me forever. But my “forever” was for eternity and your “forever” was only for a year and few months. No matter how low you sunk me down I still stood by you, no matter what you did I stood by you.. no matter the situation I picked you up and pushed you through it for you to come out on top. I didn’t receive the same from you. I broke my rules for you, bent regulations and all. I ran act the world for you when you couldn’t even walk a mile for me. Your interpretation of things will always be different because you will never see wrong by your part. Because to you the bare minimum is enough and will always be “enough”, nevertheless I never asked for much. But it was always too much for you. I held your name in the highest of podiums y de ti todo a manos llenas. Maybe I should have done things differently, maybe I should have been a little harder. But I couldn’t, you are my princess, my muse the only one I ever cared about for that matter. I took the honor in being a lot of your first time things events and moments, every minute spent by your side was heavenly and I couldn’t of asked for nothing better. I have no regrets. You are what I want but I’m not what you deserve. May be you’re the right person wrong time or maybe this just ain’t it. You are so many things but you are the one I’ll truly ever love most of all. You had so many defects and I fixed them, rebuilt you and made you into something new. I dealt with all your insecurities and loved you as you were. Your greed and selfishness got the best of you. You pushed me away mentally and you didn’t notice. You let others come before me & didn’t give me my rightful place. You are blinded by whats you want and not what’s right, you let it get the best of you.

Our faith was tested and lost.

I love you Emily & nothing will ever change that, I have no regrets, this is my final note, I will no longer be writing. I hope you get to read this.

[mint-kook]

Positive (+) || Park Jimin

Word Count: 1.7k

Genre: Angst (fluff at the end)

Your hands shook lightly as you looked down at the test in your grasp. This was the one thing you had been hoping wouldn’t happen but it just had to, didn’t it. Why did this have to happen now?

Of all the times this could have happened. If it had happened a couple months from now then it may have been okay.

If this hadn’t happened then maybe you wouldn’t have the looming feeling that everything was about to come crashing down around you.

The pink little plus sign stared back at you.

You blinked your eyes and looked up to the sky, hoping that you could hold back the tears that were so desperately trying to escape. You swallowed thickly against the lump in your throat and tried to focus on keeping your emotions at bay.

There was no way you could tell him. You couldn’t tell Jimin, not now. There was too much on his plate and this would just be too much.

He was leaving in a week. Jimin was leaving with the rest of Bangtan, to promote their new album around Korea. He was already stressed out enough with rehearsals and practices. All he ever wanted to do when he came over to your apartment was sit and relax.

And if you told him what you just found out, there was no way he would be able to focus on the tour.

There was still the thought in the back of your mind about what would happen if he found out, if the media found out. BTS survived off of their good lucks and singleness to promote their albums and make fans go crazy.

Your relationship with Jimin had only just recently been approved by the company, but you still weren’t allowed to come out to the public. Not until after promotions were done and they were back for good.

Adding a baby onto the whole crazy mess would make everything worse. You had no idea what you were going to do anymore.

Would Jimin even want a child?

Would he still be with you if he found out you were pregnant?

More tears sprang to your eyes at the thought, and you quickly wiped them away with the back of your hand. You had to stop thinking about this now. Jimin would be here soon and you had to make sure he was relaxed that way he wouldn’t be stressed when they had to leave.

You reached out and turned the tap on, setting the pregnancy test on the back of the counter. The water felt cool against your face as you splashed it against your skin, hoping to wash away the tear stain marks on your cheeks.

Looking in the mirror, you could see a faint redness around your eyes from where you rubbed them and you sighed. You didn’t know how much longer you had left.  

There was a knock on the bathroom door behind you and you jumped slightly. You turned around instantly, your hand instantly shooting out to grab the positive pregnancy test to hide it from whoever was there.

Your eyes instantly locked with Jimin’s and he gave you a slightly confused look. It was rare that you were jumpy and nervous around him like this.

”H-How’d you get in? I thought the door was locked.“ You stuttered. Jimin’s eyes narrowed slightly at your behaviour and you knew he noticed something was up.

"I let myself in with the key you gave me, everything okay?” He asked.

“Everything’s fine.” You said, trying to ignore the accusing tone in his voice. You walked over quickly to him and kissed his lips gently before walking away and hiding the pregnancy test out of his line of sight.

He followed you into the living room as you sat down on the couch. Your hand was quickly shoved between the cushions as you hid the pregnancy test, hoping Jimin wouldn’t find it there.

You’re only priority right now was to make him happy. You would worry about everything and deal with it once he left. You’d probably end up calling your best friend and talk to her about what happened.

You knew that if Jimin did end up leaving you because of this, than she would be there to help you. The most you could do was savour the last few days you had with Jimin before the two of you were no more.

In the end, if he choose you over his career, you would make it so his only option was his career. And if that meant leaving than so be it.

“Are you sure everything’s okay?” Jimin asked, sitting down on the couch next to you. His face was etched with worry and it made your heart flutter. To know that he cared so much about you.

“I’m positive.” You replied. You winced at your choice of words, thinking back to the test which sat tucked underneath the cushion you were sitting on. Jimin picked up on your reaction and you quickly diverted his attention. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

Jimin looked you up and down quickly, noticing how stiff you were. He didn’t ask about though, knowing that you weren’t going to tell him what was wrong. He was just going to have to work it out of you through the night.

“Sure, do you want me to get us some popcorn while you choose?” He asked. You shook you’re head quickly as you stood up.

“You need to sit and relax. Pick a movie. I’ll be back in a little bit.” You said kindly. You quickly headed to the kitchen and grabbed a bag of popcorn from the cupboard.

You made sure that all the kernels were fully popped before pulling the bag out of the microwave and pouring the snack into a bowl for Jimin and yourself. You picked it up, deciding to ask Jimin what kind of drink he wanted before grabbing them.

Your feet took you out to the living room but you paused as you saw Jimin sitting, bent over slightly on the couch. He was looking down at something in his hands and you felt your heart beat pick up a little bit.

“Jimin..” You called lightly. He didn’t answer you, so you took a couple steps towards him. “Jimin, are you okay?”

“Is there something you’re not telling me?” He said suddenly, causing you to jump. You gulped quietly before answering him.

“No.” You replied quietly.

“Are you sure?” He questioned, still not looking at you.

“Yes.” You replied, your voice getting shakier by the moment. The lump in your chest was building and you could feel it weighing down around everything else.

Jimin moved quickly, flicking his arm outwards. There was the sound of something hitting the table and your attention was quickly brought over to it. Once again, the pink plus sign stared back at you and you felt tears prick up in your eyes.

“You’re pregnant?” Jimin asked in disbelief. He stood up quickly and turned around to face you.

“I don’t know how it happened, Jimin. We were safe, I-I was on the pill. I don’t know what went wrong.” Your words were rushed as you tried to formulate an explanation to tell him.

“How long have you known?”

“I-I didn’t know. I-I…” You paused for a breath trying to work through the mass amount of thoughts that were all drifting through your head.

“God damn it y/n! Answer me!”

You flinched back at Jimin’s words and felt your grasp on the bowl loosen. The glass shattered instantly as it hit the ground and the pieces of popcorn went everywhere. The sound of the accident caused the anger in Jimin to disappear instantly.

He looked down where the glass was surrounding you and he instantly felt guilt flood through him. He didn’t know what had made him loose his temper, but he knew that the wrong thing to do was take it out on you.

“Y/n,” he said quietly, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you. Don’t move, I’ll get the broom and clean this up.”

You watched as Jimin quickly ran to the kitchen and came back with the broom and dustbin. He quickly swept up the mess and left again to deposit the glass shards. You couldn’t move as you were still shocked from what had happened, and as Jimin returned he realized this.

“Are you hurt?” He asked, instantly coming over and inspecting you to make sure. You instantly leaned into his embrace and his arms engulfed you into a hug.

“Jimin.” You mumbled quietly.

“I’m sorry.” He said quickly. “I didn’t mean to yell. I was just upset with everything. Why didn’t you tell me?”

You stayed quiet and continued to stay in his embrace, just basking in the feeling of him holding on to you. Knowing that you could count on him to protect you from anything and everything that was bad.

“I was scared too. You’re about to leave for tour and I didn’t want to upset you even more. And if the media found out about it than your career would be over.” Jimin shushed you quickly before you could continue on.

“This isn’t gonna make me upset y/n. It’s the complete opposite in fact. I’m so incredibly happy knowing that we’re going to have a baby.” His hand found it’s way to your stomach and he caressed it gently.

“But your career.” You argued.

“I’m still going on tour. I know you’ll call someone if you need something and if it gets really bad they’ll phone me. But the tours only for a few months and then when I get back I can stay and take care of you.” He said, smiling down at you.

“What about–”

“It doesn’t matter. We’re going to have a baby and I couldn’t have asked for anything better. And I know you don’t think we’re ready, but I promise you we will be.” His words took a minute to sink in, but once they did there was a smile finding it’s way across your own face.

“I love you Jimin.”

“I love you y/n.” He replied. “And I love you, you little munchkin.” Jimin said rubbing your non-existent pregnant tummy.

“The baby doesn’t have ears yet dummy. He can’t hear you.” You said laughing.

“Doesn’t mean I can’t get an early start.” He said, causing you to laugh harder.

You didn’t say anything more as Jimin led you over to the couch and pulled you down to sit with him. His arms instantly came around you as he pressed play on the movie he had chosen and you two cuddled in for a long night of I love you’s.

AN: I’m dying right now

[3one3]

Okay Sunday update tyme. 

There may or may not have been a mini war over making my coffee this morning. I'm not really sure. All I know is the one I got was made by the Babysitter and not very good. 

Then there was a baby. This nice couple that comes in often arrived with their maybe 16 mo son, who the Babysitter always holds and stuff. He lets him play with the touch-screen. Some people just really love babies. They see a baby and they get heart eyes and are like oo a baby how ~cute~ lemme go see it! I’m not one of them. I’m mostly afraid of and/or grossed out by babies. The Pacifier definitely got the baby gene. He was DELIGHTED by the baby. Instant, yuge smile. He went over to see him, and tickled his tummy and stuff, and I was like wow, he’s more interested in touching a baby than me, that hurts. Way to cut me deep. It was still really cute to see him be delighted by the baby tho. I def got THAT gene. The “guys being cute with kids directly affects ovaries” gene. 

Then the piña colada party started. They're not on the menu. I guess someone bought a big bottle of Cooco Real, the coconut cream stuff that makes piña coladas delicious at 900 calories per sip, but not really because it’s not as good as the thick stuff that comes in a can. They also don't have anything else blended on the menu but they do have a blender. Out comes this blender. The Pacifier and the Brother are practically giddy about this, and are verifying with the Babysitter what to put in it. He takes over anyway. Pacifier suggests using Malibu coconut rum and Babysitter is like no you use the regular clear rum rawr. They're actually both wrong. You should use a good quality white rum, yeah, but you should also use a really good dark rum. But that's if you have good quality coconut cream, which they didn't. It should have coconut milk too, and some lime, but I didn’t want to lecture the bartenders on how to bartend, ya know? Just cause I’ve been a piña colada enthusiast since age 6 doesn’t mean I’m an authority.  

Babysitter makes the first batch and tries to pour some in this little coupe glass which is all wrong for that. How do you put a full size straw in a coupe glass? You don't. Anyway. It also won't pour. It's too solid. Like sorbet. I was like "it's supposed to be a liquid, not a dessert". Pacifier chuckles at this and I'm like oooo score. Pacifier goes and gets a cherry for it and everything and they taste some and give it to me to taste, and they both said it's not sweet enough, and I said IT NEEDS MALIBU, and the Pacifier is like IT NEEDS MALIBU, and it becomes clear at this point that the Babysitter has never had Malibu and doesn't know its awesomeness. Side note: my favorite whatever drink is Malibu and pineapple juice. I didn't even know they had Malibu at this bar until last week because no one uses it for anything but the Pacifier and I happened to see him grab it from below the bar and pour some. I always wondered why there is none on the shelf with everything else. Anyway. Moving on. 

A second batch is made, with Malibu, and offered around to everyone to try. It's much better. Babysitter still can't pour it tho and Pacifier and I are watching him try and I look at him and shake my head and he starts cracking up and I melt inside. Making someone you want to be friends with laugh with you like a normal reason rather than awkwardly laugh for no apparent reason every time you talk to him is just the best. They decide it can go on the menu for the day. I told the Babysitter not to serve it in that stupid glass but he insisted. He said hey could use the cocktail straws. I was like wtf how can you sip an already too thick piña colada through a fucking cocktail straw??? And he just laughed. Another guy decided the solution was to just cut the regular straws in half 🤷🏼‍♀️

I still had the whole first example to drink myself, plus some of the new and improved one. I really don't drink anymore, so that was enough to count as liquid courage I guess. It brightened by whole day. I was in a good mood. I decided it was to be a day of progress on the communication front. But then naturally the place got crazy busy and the Pacifier was running around at Mach V doing his job. I seriously can’t bring myself to bother him when he’s busy.

I waited until things calmed down considerably and did my standard I'm-about-to-be-annoying-but-at-least-I'm-sweet-about-it way of saying his name (this has gotten males of all age and association to do things for me forever) as he was walking behind me, and he leaned in beside me and said "yes? ma'am" and I wanted to end myself right then and there. You can't ask a girl to hang out one weekend and then call her ma'am the next. It's bloody criminal. I decided it wasn't serious tho. He called the Babysitter sir earlier. I call my officemate ma'am all the time, non-seriously, like when she brings my trash can in from the hallway and I say thank you, ma’am. But anyway it ruined the whole plan it took me an hour to decide on. I was going to summon him and then be like "you know what I want *wink wink*" bc obvi I wanted a coffee and he would know that. Ma'am threw me off tho. And then he didn't give me a chance to ask a question anyway. He asked me if I wanted another one and I was like yesssss pleaaaaase. It was delicious and I was thankful. I wanted to tell him that he’s my favorite person on the planet on saturdays and sundays and that when I work those mornings the only reason I get out of bed is that I know I get to have that cappuccino after. He’s too quick. Or I’m too slow. Or something.

Now here's where shit gets cray. One of my clients and I have been looking at this horse for a while. We checked him out years ago when he had a different owner, and liked him but not for the price. Now his current owners put him up for private auction over the weekend and we were like, well if we can get him for X then it’s a no brainer and if we can get him for Y it would probably be worth it, but no more, and I did the homework on the other people I knew might be interested  and so I thought it was possible that we could get him for that. But we weren't fully sold on him. I usually feel strongly one way or another on whether to get a horse, particularly at a certain price point. I was like, we could do this, and it would be great, or we could not do it, and I probably won't  kick myself over it tomorrow. 

With 90 mins left on the sale clock, and an "it's up to you" order from the client, which I had been waiting for for most of the day, I decide that the best way to decide is to let the Pacifier choose 😂 I had a good reason though! The horse's name is one letter off being Cappuccino! It's a sign! I'll show him the video of the horse on my phone and ask him what I should do. It’s genius. I summon the Pacifier, who had to be wondering just how much cappuccino I can drink in one day, since that's all I ever summon him for. I immediately panic that the friend I was texting literally *about him* and practically nothing else and who hadn't answered me in over an hour would decide that was the right time to reply, and that she'd say something totally incriminating exactly as he was looking at my phone. It was too late to tell her to shh tho bc he was already incoming, and I couldn't do airplane mode bc I needed wifi to show him the Video. It went like this. 

"Are you superstitious?" (I'm thinking, what if he doesn't know what that means?)

~message from friend about how the babysitter is definitely cockblocking drops down from top of screen along with two others BECAUSE OF FUCKING COURSE and I desperately will her to stfu~

"No. " 

"Well I'm very superstitious and I need your help. There's this horse. See the video of  the nice horse?" I held the phone so he could barely see it, just in case. "I have an hour and a half to decide if I should get it for a client and I don't know what to do. I'm fine either way. I’m totally 50/50 on it. I could flip a coin. But the horse's name is Cappuccino (it would have been too hard to explain the one letter difference and I talk really fast when I'm nervous and it gets hard for people to understand and meh whatever) and you're my cappuccino guy so I need you to tell me what to do."

"Then you should go for it!" He says, laughing. It was sort of like a comfortable laugh too, not the awkward one. 

"You think so?"

"Yeah! Go for it!" At this point I'm just loving the carefree gung ho attitude here. 

I told him okay I'm gonna do it, and I warned him that I'm blaming him if the horse ends up being terrible. He was just smiley and laughing and stuff. 

And that's how i bought a $400,000 horse on the cappuccino guy's say so. Did I mention I forgot to mention to him how much the horse costs? 🙊 He might be one of those people who thinks even competition horses are peanuts. He probably has no idea. He might not have even understood what I was saying. He could have thought I was talking about betting on the horse or something. I have no idea. He was just all for it. 

I get really high when I do big deals. Like so pumped. I called the client and said to do it. And I was like shaking and grinning and stupid. Hopefully it was the horse and not just the interaction 🤦🏼‍♀️

I left a little while after that. On the way out when he was saying bye to me I reminded him that he's in big trouble if the horse is crap, and he was all smiles. 

I find out for sure tomorrow morning if our bid was definitely accepted, but I saw no others come in after so it prob was. Lawd help me if this doesn't work out well 🙈🙈🙈

Then I went running and got sunburn bc it was earlier than I wanted to go but I was too hyped to sit still, then I saw one of the guys from the restaurant on the way to where I run, and he was on a bike share bike outside mcdonalds in work clothes but not the ones he was in earlier and I was like wtf and also please don't notice me in my terrible running outfit. 

Then I got some really upsetting texts from bf about all this 😕

Then I had some food and prepped some stuff for my lunches and then I worked out bc the high hadn't gone away yet and ya gotta use it while it's there. Haven't managed to figure out how to use it to fix the bf thing tho. 

But, consider yourself updated.