#i’ll be knocking soon mon couer

[diduthinkihadforgotten]

give me something new to talk about

i finished that art piece i was working on for a year and now everything feels a little emptier somehow.

i said i feel better. let me off now? let me out now? i��d rather go anywhere else.

i’m traveling back in time like i’m a paleontologist digging for bones. rehashing the same things over and over again like a record left spinning. everything is better now and also somehow so so much worse.

playing the waiting game like it’s an unfinished game of chess. i want you to run my life like it’s a fucking marathon, okay?

i’m just saying shit to say it. getting in fights just to lose. keeping the window open just in case. telling you stories and figuring out how i ever let myself fumble that hard.

you tell me i’m yours in a way you never expected me to be. i didn’t see it coming either. do you hate me now? after everything, before everything, somewhere in between something happened to us and now we’re both much worse.

but the meds work. they tell me i am now of sound mind. sure doesn’t feel like it, not like i would know. so we talk about vacation. buying each other passports and having a european summer. it’s october, but when we met all that time ago it was summer so maybe it still is for us.

maybe the stories i have are not so depressing in the retrospective. maybe you already know everything terrible i ever tried to hide like a skeleton standing in my front room offering to hold your coat.

it’s been almost three years. you’re still here? you said something once that i won’t repeat here- the sentiment being something along the lines of how it was always going to be like this.

i made the wrong choice, alright? here’s me admitting it. this is me apologizing. i know things could have been better and i know you will always always be holding that over my head. you probably should. you have every right to.

it’s just you, you know. i blocked all of em and deleted every app. it’s more nuanced like this. i wonder if it’s worth it. it probably is. i remember when we used to get drunk and complain about things and you’d always tell me i had somewhere to go back to. someone waiting on me to come around and climb out of the grave i dug for myself.

i still lie in it from time to time. it’s nice getting to wash the dirt out of my hair.

it’s comforting that you remember my jokes. that you know who i am. you’re clearly not out of your depth and i find it as amusing as you do.

for what it’s worth, i hope everything keeps changing around us. you’re one of very very few who knows what i’m talking about when i say shit like this. i hope we’re still the same in twenty years when we’re not quite old and bored yet.