#i’ll admit tho that between this one and my antidepressant

[thedeerman]

me: i’m gonna make sure i remember to take my meds properly

my doctors office: actually we’re gonna just… not refill that for a while. yeah, you can call all you want. we’ll say we’re working on it and then not do it. enjoy the withdrawals, bitch

[dxlansfxck]

Saints & SINS [G.D] part 3

Y/N went straight to bed without talking to Grayson, without trying to solve their problem. She even woke up an hour before him and went into the classroom without him. She was the first one there, which gave her more than enough time to think about yesterday. Grayson never came to class, the seat next to the pretty girl was empty the entire day. Everything was like before, when there was no weird but attractive boy in her life. The only thing that has been changed were her thoughts, running back to last night, back to his hands roaming her body and soon enough, she was squirming in her seat, groaning in frustration. She couldn’t help but start drawing Grayson, his messy hair, wide grin and red, sad eyes.

She knew it was right to end what happened, it was just the weed that made her kiss him. She shouldn’t have smoked in the first place, like her parents always told her. But she had to admit that the kiss turned her on, even thinking about it now made her wet again.

“Y/L/N, I’m talking to you, don’t you listen?”, the weak voice of her teacher drags Y/N out of her daydreaming, while she was trying to find out what they were talking about. “I wanted to know which disorders of the synapsis exist?” “The synapsis can be damaged by, among other things, strokes or Lyme disease. But you can also loss of synapses by age or health differences”, Y/N rolls her eyes, sinking back into her fantasies.

After lunch, she went straight back into her room, where Grayson was lying on his back, surrounded by smoke. He of course had her entire attention while she placed down her bag and opened the tie around her neck. He’s just laying there, eyes closed and listening to music, yet looking like a Greek god. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and Y/N could finally concentrate on the tattoos around his chest, which was completely hairless. Her feet dragged her to his nightstand, where the rest of his joint was laying in an ashtray. Without looking at him, she took it and inhaled a few times before taking the ashtray to her desk, the joint still between her lips.  “You could’ve asked instead of stealing my weed, y’know? But I guess it’s how it is, you take what you want before realizing you don’t really need it, huh?”, his groggy voice made her shriek, yet send tingles through her entire body.

“Oh, I’m sorry, if I knew you were awake, I wouldn’t have taken it. Well, I need to do my homework anyways.” “Mh, sure.” The THC starts to work his way into her brain so that she needed to repeat every other sentence before giving in and laying down onto her bed with Kodaline in her headphones.

She automatically looks over to Grayson, listening to the lyrics and comparing them to her life so far. He had changed her the past few days. She smokes weed. She made out with a guy. The thing is, she didn’t mind it at all. It was different than the world she was born into, different than the secret kisses she shared with some of her friends so far. She was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn’t even notice Grayson’s gaze. Her heart cramps as she saw his sad expression and the frown he had. She didn’t want to see him suffering, wanted him to be happy. The music touches her inside, the bottom of her heart, and she was able to feel anything. Closing her eyes, she allows to let herself sink deeper into the music and away from Grayson.

“Y/N, don’t act like you’re sleeping now. I’m not that stupid, if you don’t want to talk, then leave it. But don’t ignore me”, she hasn’t noticed that Grayson was now sitting next to her, but she had so many questions to ask him. Sighing, she sat up and started to chew on her lips, biting on the dead skin and pulling it off. She didn’t want to start talking, but mostly didn’t want to give him another reason to be mad.

“’m sorry, Gray”, she mumbled, not daring to look up at him. He just looks down at her, confused but grinning. “We nearly fucked and all you’ve gotta say is that you’re sorry? You’re so brave, angel.” The ‘angel’ rolls her eyes in annoyance and stands up, walking to her desk and tries to get more distance in between them. Grayson just groans, holding her wrists and pulling her back into his chest. “No, Y/N. We really need to talk. Not even a Junkie like me could forget about this”, he looks at her with his big brown eyes and she furrows her eyebrows. What did he say? Junkie? All he does is smoking weed, just like most teens would. “Grayson..” He just shakes his head at me.

“I’m talking. You sit down so I can start. You don’t really know how fucked up I am, angel. Why I landed here. Y’know, in the past, I drank a lot, but I always hated the aftermath. I thought weed would be the best option. Well, I got kicked out of high school ‘cause I was always stoned, never came to school and didn’t do anything. Well and because I fucked one of the teachers, but never mind that. I tried to experience everything, especially with my sexuality. I had lots of meetings with my clique where we all just fucked. Girls, boys, girls, girls, boys, boys. Name it, I had it. Y’know, sex with guys… It’s just so different and I preferred it over girls, but since I saw you, it seemed to change again.

Anyways, my mom found out what I was doing, so she sent me into some kind of drug cleanse camp ‘cause she wanted me to get off the weed. In the camp, I met this guy which had lots of pills and ‘cause we couldn’t smoke, we took those instead. We swallowed one trip after another and when I came home, I never stopped. Of course I had to tell my friends about it and soon we started to take whatever pills.  One day, we didn’t get the effect we wanted to, so one of us brought cocaine and crack. I took coke too often, my nose never stopped bleeding and I had lots of problems to breath because it was completely crusty. I never dared taking crack tho, I knew how the junkies looked like and I didn’t want to end up like them.

When my best friend’s grandma came into the hospital ‘cause of cancer, she got lots of morphine and fentanyl plasters to help her pain. Well, he stole them. We were one step closer to our end. I took coke to party and fentanyl to calm down afterwards. Ethan, my twin brother then brought H to us. He smoked it through a Dr. Pepper can, of course we knew what he was doing. Just a few days later, I found him dead because some fucking idiot sold him dirty H. Ever since, I stopped doing most drugs except for weed.”

His gaze finally met hers and she could tell he was scared of her reaction. She couldn’t help herself to hug him, let some of her tears break free and give him the warmth he had probably missed forever. But now she knew what she wanted, him, his life. To experience exactly what he had experienced.

Y/N hasn’t said anything the past few minutes, so she had to clear her throat before starting to talk. “Grayson, I… I don’t know what to say or how to react. I mean, it’s great you didn’t do hard drugs, what happened to your twin… It would’ve broken anyone. You stayed strong, that’s what counts. I guess nothing bad can happen when you’re just smoking weed. Besides that, I’m with you now and you know, I’m sorry. I mean, I enjoyed this kissing situation, but it was my first time kissing a guy. My parents always taught me it’s a sin to do anything like this before marriage. I really didn’t want to hurt you, I just didn’t know how to react, okay? Maybe we could just take things slow, yea?” She rubbed circles on his back, trying to calm both of them down.

“Sure, angel, it’s your decision, I’m already glad you accept me the way I am. I just acted like this ‘cause I thought you’d like it too. I mean, you obviously did, but I guess next time I’ll ask before just attacking you, I’m not the devil, y’know?” He Grayson chuckles and to Y/N, it sounded like heaven. He doesn’t usually laugh besides his cocky smirk, and it really made her happy to be the one that could cheer him up. “Am I even allowed to say the d-word in here?” “Dunno, but you’ve had sex with boys, you’ll end up in hell anyway. By the way, were you top or bottom?”, Y/N laughed, but still curious about the man in front of her.

“Ouch, angel, that hurt. Would you really consider me being bottom? But it would be a shame to waste the half-smoked joint, would you please finish it with me, my lady?” How could anyone ever say no to this beautiful man? Y/N shakes her head, laughing before grabbing the glimstick between her lips. They decided to stay in bed the entire day, smoking and kissing here and there, being lost into each other and the stories they had to tell until they fell asleep curled into each other.

 The next weeks went by much quicker than anyone would’ve thought, exams came and went by, there weren’t lots of lessons Grayson & Y/N spent clean, but their pocket money couldn’t buy them as much weed as they soon needed, which brought them to different kinds of medicine, to keep them high enough. This way, they took antidepressants to get rid of their low. The time came and they were already taking pills for breakfast, just to ‘survive boring lessons’, to get through the morning before smoking their first joint for lunch. They were never arguing, just laying in bed, making out and whispering sweet words to each other. They haven’t had sex yet, Y/N just wasn’t ready for it and Grayson accepted it. He was just a generous boyfriend, taking care of his angel. Y/N knew she loved him, but sometimes her mind wanders off to his past, high thoughts running through her head.

Grayson kissing other guys, while she was alone in her room.

Grayson fucking other girls, because she wasn’t ready for him.

Grayson cumming into other guys and girls, because she couldn’t fulfill his lust.

Of course, she knows they weren’t in a serious relationship so far, Grayson said those don’t really exist between stoners, but Y/N didn’t want other people to fuck the guy she was currently hooking up with. She was never the jealous type, but Grayson was supposed to be hers. In his opinion, he could do whatever he wants with other boys and girls, but as soon as she looks at some boy in class, he would get angry and stop talking to her for the rest of the day, leaving her behind in their room. Especially those days where the meds weren’t enough to share, they were angry at each other but would end up in bed, kissing and excusing themselves.

Those days, she liked to say that she was independent. Today, she can only laugh about this tragedy that was happening, because all she felt wasn’t real. She was just in love with the drugs he gave her.

[three-eyedraven]

1-58

The numbers for the questions didn’t copy & paste but I’m too lazy to rewrite them.

Who hurt you the most?Probably the people that have left me.

Who have you hurt the most?Probably the people I have left.

Who do you miss the most?My gf cuz I miss her whenever I’m not w her cuz I’m clingy. Also friends esp those I haven’t seen in awhile & some family.

Who do you want out of your life the most?No one really. I guess just the people that dont want to be in it but feel like they have to pretend to.

Who had the biggest positive impact on you?Probably my mom, some of my close friends (like Rachel & Courtney ily guys), & my girlfriend.

Who had the biggest negative impact on you?Probably my dad, my brother, & the friends I’ve had who didn’t treat me well.

Who do you wish you could be honest with?My brother & I guess the people that I feel like pretend to want to be around me. Or those who I feel like impact my life negatively & hurt those I care about as well.

Who have you harbored (any kind of!) secret feelings towards?I guess just like anger towards old friends & family members.

Who would the world be better off without?Bigots, nazis, rapists, people of that sort.

Who do you wish you’d treated differently?People that I used to be close friends w but drifted away from.

What was the worst day of your life?Probably a day where my brother was not doing well or when we had to admit him to a hospital.

What’s your greatest fear?Being alone, darkness, bugs

What’s your biggest insecurity?My weight, my skin, my anxiety

What’s your biggest regret?Letting my anxiety get in my way & not keeping in touch w people better.

Describe your ideal world.To be happy, calm, comfortable, & surrounded by love.

Describe your personal hell.Everyday my dude. Not really tho I guess just when I feel trapped by my anxiety. I’ll keep it simple.

What’s a hopeless dream you’re still holding on to?That I’ll become super successful in my career & have a good amount of money.

What’s the most embarrassed you’ve ever been?Honestly after I do anything. Maybe thinking about when I have acted or when I did this lip sync thing cuz I feel like I must’ve seemed stupid & gross.

What’s the angriest you’ve ever been?Lately I’ve been getting very angry which scares me. The other day I was fighting w my mom & just screaming & eventually exhausted myself & fell to the floor crying & then threw up & that’s the angriest I’ve been in a long time. Or one time I got mad & went on a drive just until I felt I went too far & another when my landlord made us move.

What’s the saddest you’ve ever been?Also v recently just thinking about myself I’ve been so sad. Although I remember 8th grade year I felt a constant weight on my chest so idk if it has gotten better or if I have just gotten used to it.

What’s the most scared you’ve ever been?When my brother was having some bad side effect to these antidepressants he used to take which made him not act like himself.

What’s the most hopeless you’ve ever felt?Very recently I have been feeling v hopeless cuz tbh I thought I’d be dead by now & everything seems to be coming so fast & I just don’t know how to handle it & I feel like I will never grow or move forward but just be stuck & end up alone.

What’s the most frantic you’ve ever felt?Probably sometime during a panic attack.

What’s the bravest you’ve ever felt?Probably when I’ve had to help my brother when his seizures were really bad.

What’s the best case scenario for your future?I spend the rest of my life w the girl I love, I live comfortably in a cozy house w lots of pets, maybe live somewhere scenic or at least be able to travel a lot, be successful in my career, be healthy, be happy. Loving friends & family.

What’s the worst case scenario for you future?I end up alone & unemployed, trapped by my anxiety & not able to grow.

What’s the most physical pain you’ve ever felt?Maybe when I crashed an ATV

What’s the most emotional pain you’ve ever felt?Oh gosh idk. I don’t think I can recall a specific time.

Describe a time you felt like a hypocrite.Idk but I defs have been

Describe a time you felt like a traitor.Idk

Describe a time you felt like a hero.Idk maybe helping my brother or a friend.

Describe a time you felt inhuman.When my anxiety or anger just consumes me.

Describe a time you felt like a failure.All the time my guy

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?Idk. Maybe lie??? Not sure honestly

What are you proudest of?The fact I’m still here.

What’s your relationship with your family like?Good w my mom & brother. I don’t really talk to my dad but we get along. I don’t really talk to the rest of my family.

What’s your relationship with religion like?I consider myself to be agnostic

Talk about someone you’ve lost.This is I guess about several people but generally get the same feelings every time although one has hurt more than any others. I haven’t lost anyone to death or anything like that but rather a distance just seems to form between me & other people eventually, even when I don’t think it will. Then before I know it it’s almost like they are an acquaintance or stranger & I feel like I mean absolutely nothing to them & it breaks my heart that we aren’t as close anymore. I feel a mixture of anger, sadness, & acceptance & I have trouble letting go of them even though they let go of me so easily.

Talk about someone who abandoned you.Just basically the same as the last question.

Talk about a desire you have that scares you.I don’t think I have any?? Maybe just wanting to not be here anymore but I always worry I’ll maybe miss out on something.

What’s something you wish you were capable of?Not being anxious & pushing myself.

What’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of?Disconnecting myself from everyone or doing something to myself & maybe hurting people.

Describe the kind of life you wish you’d been born into.Idk if I do wish that tbh

Describe your worst heartbreak.When I started losing a friend that meant the world to me but is still a v important part of my life.

Describe your worst disappointment.Idk I guess just people constantly taking me for granted or abusing my trust.

Have you ever taken a fall for someone?No don’t think so

Have you ever forced or let someone take a fall for you?Don’t think so

Have you ever done serious physical harm to someone?No

Have you ever done serious emotional harm to someone?Maybe? I’m not sure

Have you ever self-harmed?Yes

Have you ever attempted suicide?No

Have you ever stolen something?Yes but never from a store

Have you ever cheated on someone?No

Have you ever been cheated on?No

Have you ever taken revenge on someone?I don’t think so

Have you ever seriously considered killing somone?No

Have you ever betrayed someone who trusted you?No

Have you ever experienced something supernatural or unexplainable?I don’t think so

Sorry if my answers suck (it’s cuz I suck)Thank you for asking!!