#i’d rather be realistic and let myself appreciate both of them in separate relationships

[sillylittleshows]

yall on tt really convincing me to become a die hard buddie shipper damn those edits are good DAMN

[jiangwanyin]

(simply impossible to settle on 5 characters so here's 6 instead hjksgfjxc) wei wuxian, lan wangji, jiang cheng, xiao xingchen, lan xichen, and xue yang for 9, 11, 17… also a few of my own prompts: be a personal assistant for, go on holiday with?? 💖💕💗💌💘💞💖💗

ashleigh my loveeee thank you i would expect nothing less from you and i adore those prompts!!! 💓💖💕💗💘💖💕 also this probably goes without saying but impeccable character choices i love all six of them very much 😌

9. fake-married to for undercover reasons

oh i feel like wei wuxian would definitely be my best bet here, he'd probably be happy to and good enough at putting on a believable act just for the hell of it, we'd get along well & have a laugh about it, we're both relatively open and shameless so i doubt holding hands or being slightly over the top affectionate to sell the show would be too hard for either of us and a bit of bickering and me rolling my eyes at him would most likely just make it all the more realistic, that is unless lan wangji was anywhere nearby because he'd just make heart eyes at him and completely ignore me and we'd be found out in under a minute

xiao xingchen my beloved<3 we have similar enough ideologies and personalities to get along really smoothly, i feel like he'd be easy to fall into a sort of cozy domestic relationship with, he's a bit insecure but *cracks knuckles* that's something i can work with and he's probably a little less used to or comfortable with bigger public displays of affection but then again i didn't see him complain when xue yang put his hand on his ass after to his knowledge knowing him for approximately one day so we probably wouldn't run into any issues there either and we'd have a great time bonding over being insufferable idealists and having an incurable i can fix him disease!! sounds perfect to me

again, i don't think he's really the type to pretend but lan xichen would be equally ideal for this, he's great company, kind and compassionate and easy to get along with and he's patient and even tempered where i'm.... well, not either of those things so i like to think we're simultaneously similar enough and balance each other out alright to have a very harmonic dynamic going on, i'm not entirely sure how convincingly romantic it'd actually be but it'd work well enough and tbh we'd have a good time just hanging out (and just maybe i'd take trying to find ways to make the brilliant zewu-jun flustered as a challenge to spice things up a little<3)

okay realistically he should be a lot lower on this list because he'd probably just murder me and even if he didn't for whatever reason, i doubt it'd have a happy ending, but i just think xue yang and i would make a very interesting team and could probably manage a divorced couple giving reconciliation an attempt dynamic? meaning he'd try and hate me but i'd just channel my inner xiao xingchen ✨ apart from that i'm picturing a lot of arguing and agressive hand holding and getting unnecessarily competitive about it but it just might work. i think. possibly.

lan wangji. oh i love him but i just don't think we could pull it off, the thing is that i adapt pretty well to others, but if the other person is quiet to begin with, i just stay quiet too but you know, we'd be efficient about it? we'd make up for the lack of chemistry by having a good understanding of the other person and figuring out the situation quickly enough, i think we'd make a good team and the rest of the time would be spent reading in comfortable silence next to each other or something, he'd be too reserved and earnest (and let's be honest, too in love with wei wuxian) to do anything more or really pretend and i'm unfortunately way too similar and simply Not naturally good at being loud and easygoing at all if i'm not getting a certain energy from the other person and lan wangji bless him is just not one of those people

yeah yeah i feel really bad about this too but as much as i adore him, i just think jiang cheng would be objectively terrible at any sort of undercover thing and is far too emotionally constipated to act openly in love and too traumatized to even let me get close to him so it'd probably go atrociously, the only way i could see it being anything other than an utter disaster is barely tolerating each other or talking for two weeks, ending up in a tight spot together and bonding over something slightly mean like other people's incompetence and grudgingly realising that we actually get along alright and would probably both start putting a little more effort into the whole fake marriage thing but i still don't realistically think it'd look like anything more than a tentative friendship?

11. to drag them away from a big fight because they’re injured

xiao xingchen. no explanation here, i just think he deserves it and could do with someone taking care of him for a change<3

lan xichen for similar reasons 😇

wei wuxian, i don't trust him to know his limitations and if wen qing isn't around someone's got to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid and overexert himself

jiang cheng. the only reason he isn't any higher on the list is because i don't think he'd appreciate it much and would probably be way too proud and bitchy about it but honestly i'd rather die than admit weakness so i really can't blame him there

lan wangji, he's the smartest one of the lot and i trust him to know what he's doing so he wouldn't be my priority

xue yang. i love him but i also think he deserves to suffer a little and he's probably the one who started the whole fight so maybe this'll teach him how to deal with the consequences, he could do with that

17. cook dinner for

jiang cheng and wei wuxian, i'm lumping them in together here because they're always a package deal and should not be separated we all saw how that worked out (i'm not crying you're crying) and they're canonically shown to thoroughly enjoy a good home cooked meal, i doubt my dishes could compare to yanli's lotus and rib soup but i think they'd appreciate it regardless

arguably he doesn't deserve it but xue yang because i don't think a great many people ever cooked him dinner and it'd do him good with some obligatory candy to go with the meal afterwards of course<3

i think assuming we're friends, lan wangji would also be rather appreciative in his own quiet way? i'd probably make him something veggie based and considerably less spicy than for the yunmeng siblings and we'd go and feed the rabbits and possibly a tiny a-yuan with the leftover carrots :,)

xiao xingchen for reasons stated above. knowing him he'd probably even join me in the kitchen to lend a hand bless him

it feels unnecessarily rude to leave him till last but lan xichen, obviously it would be lovely to cook for him and hopefully he'd like it too i just don't have quite as strong feelings about this scenario involving him as i evidently do when it comes to some of the others 😳

be a personal assistant for

ooo definitely lan xichen i just know he'd be an amazing boss and would probably be incredibly understanding and helpful and tell me i'm doing a good job every time and we both know i thrive on praise and reassurance, jin guangyao had the right idea there, i think all of us could do with daily affirmations from lan xichen<3 nothing quite like it<3

xiao xingchen because working closely with him sounds very lovely and i wouldn't mind running errands or dealing with correspondence for him because he'd also be appreciative and kind about it

alright i'm not saying it'd be pleasant but jiang cheng because at least he's pretty reliable and organized and i would probably be very keen on trying to impress him but would undoubtedly get myself fired one week in because i'm also incapable of keeping my opinion to myself and do not enjoy being bossed about and make it vv obvious

lan wangji. he'd give clear instructions, have reasonable demands, maybe his expectations are a little high and the work environment a bit dry and i'd have to work hard but it'd probably pay off in the end?

just going by level of friendliness and how easy and enjoyable it'd be he should be higher on the list but i'm simply not flexible and easygoing enough to deal with wei wuxian's schedule and general messiness i'm afraid

xue yang because he'd frankly be quite likely to make me kill people for him and i do have a moral code to live up to so no thanks—

go on holiday with

alright these answers already feel very xichen-centric but i'm just going to have to say lan xichen yet again because i feel like we'd be into similar things and would probably have a great and very chill time sightseeing and relaxing together

similarly predictably xiao xingchen, i stand by him being absolutely lovely company and being able to find enough common interests with him too to have plenty to do that we'd both enjoy very much

lan wangji!! perfect quiet and reliable companion to go to museums and libraries etc with and with trustworthy organization skills no less!! no last minute changes to the plan or lost plane tickets or anything unexpected and we could just avoid crowds together which sounds like bliss, i might enjoy someone a tad bit more talkative which is why he's only in third place, but overall it sounds very peaceful and simultaneously productive, we'd definitely be able to tick everything off our list of things to see and do

alright so i don't think our general pace for doing things or ideal holiday destinations would match perfectly but i like to think i'd get along just fine with jiang cheng too, he'd be a bit annoying and we'd likely get equally agitated about delayed flights or bad customer service and whatnot so i'm not sure how relaxing it'd actually be but we'd probably find a couple of things to do we'd both enjoy and the rest of the time wouldn't mind doing things separately and then reuniting in the hotel and going out for dinner

i'm really sorry about this but wei wuxian, he's way too spontaneous and while we'd definitely have fun just hanging out, he'd be bored out of his mind after five minutes doing the stuff i like doing on holiday and i'm too antisocial and not remotely adventurously enough to enjoy the things he'd probably want to do but i do believe we'd find a suitable compromise, i mean he is married to lan wangji and compared to him i actually am quite sociable i swear

xue yang, i really do enjoy him as a character and with a stretch of my imagination i can definitely imagine situations where we would probably be alright unless he's feeling particularly homicidal but i simply don't think we have anything in common or that there's much of an overlap between what we imagine a good holiday to be like i'm afraid

give me 5 characters to rank in a situation

[treasure-my-aurora]

We’ve got Tonight

• Summary: I’d known Felix since before he was born. My tiny preschool hand would often press flat against his mother’s round belly while I looked up at her with surprised innocent eyes as the baby inside kicked against my hand. Known him as a brother, a best friend and a rock to lean against through my whole life. But now, in just a month, he’d be going away to train with some of the best in the industry, and with time running out, perhaps there is more than just platonic feelings between us… something that would bring up more pain, jealousy and sorrow than we could ever imagine.

♥ Pairing: Bang Chan/Reader/Felix

♦ Chapter: 6/9

♣ Words: 2313

♠ Genre (in this one): Angst

“Hi” “Hi” Felix had barely opened the door to his room, and I feared for a moment that he wasn’t alone. A change of my expression as I glanced behind him and that was all he needed to open it fully. “I’m alone. If that’s what you’re wondering. I wouldn’t answer the door if I wasn’t” He stepped aside to let me in and I didn’t comment on the fact that it was clear that someone had been in there, even if they weren’t anymore. “Rude” I answered and sat down in the chair at his desk while he sat down on the bed, hands folded in his knees, “What? Would you?” He asked, surprised and I shrugged, “I’ve answered a phone call from you mid-fucking, so yes” He cringed, shook his head with slight disgust, “I didn’t need to know that, but thanks” “You’re welcome” I mumbled, awkwardly and fiddled with my fingernails. “Can we-” Felix started out, but I immediately shook my head, “Nope, we can’t” “But I-” “Am gonna forget about it” “And you-” “Will forget about it as well” “And Chris-” “Is ok” We spoke like we usually did, despite the clear tense feeling between us and I just looked at him as he nodded silently afterwards. My heart gushing with anxiety as something, so real that I could almost touch it, changed in the air around us and I sighed deeply. Felt how that unbroken bond between us cracked like fresh ice when you stepped on it, when I flat out refused to talk about the kiss that happened yesterday. “So, the two of you-” “Are ok. We’ll figure something out. He’s an ass. But he’s my ass, and I love him. “I just- don’t wanna see you hurting” “Don’t wanna see me hurting, I know” We finished the last line at the same time and Felix chuckled softly as I smiled brightly at him. Patted next to him and reached out for me and I was just about to take his hand when I remembered what had happened on the same bed within the last 24 hours. Felt how my smile fell when I realized the fear that I would smell someone else than him or me on his sheets. My eyes flicked and he noticed, of course he did, and a small sigh left his lips as his hand fell back against his side. “Sorry” He said, and I gave him a small smile that didn’t reach my eyes. Not knowing why he felt the need to apologize. - I was alone, sitting on the sofa in my apartment while browsing through the photos in my camera album. A mug of tea in my other hand, pressed it close to my chest while I listened to the silence that surrounded me. Let the hot beverage fill my stomach and sighed with content to this calm moment of my own. Paused at a photo I had taken off Chris and couldn’t help but to smile a little. It was a bit out of focus, and he sat on a lawn chair among friends. The moment was snapped shot a few months ago when the days where warmer and we sat in the back garden of Jisung and Seungmin’s dormitory until the late hours of the night. Just talking around a small bonfire while eating snacks and drinking, holding each other and celebrated summer. I chewed on the inside of my lip when I zoomed in on his smiling face, bright and with eyes crinkling while looking over at Woojin, who’d just told a joke. Swiped over to the right and clenched my jaw when the next photo took over the screen. It was a few days later. Still a hot day, with the blazing sun in the background. Felix's eyes were squeezed shut, scrunching his nose with a spoon upside down between his lips. Close enough to the camera that I could count every freckle on his face. Pink strawberry ice cream in the corners of his lips, wearing a big tee that I’d stolen three weeks later. Hair still bleached blonde and I smiled at the memory. Cringed at the pain when I felt how much it hurt and swallowed hard. I never thought love could be anything like this. The familiarity. The commitment that I felt to the two most important men in my life. The way it felt when I woke up in Felix’s bed one day after spending the night when Chris wanted to hang out with his friends in uni. The way it felt when I woke up in the bed I shared with Chris, because Felix was busy with the last preparations of his trip. The way I couldn’t help but reach out to them both when I woke up first, brushing away the fringe from their foreheads with a gentle touch. Smiling as they stirred awake, both with brown eyes, both with smiles on their faces when they saw me and both putting their arm around me and pulling me closer with a satisfied hum. Chris pressed his good morning kiss on my lips and Felix pressed his on my forehead and I felt my heart flutter with happiness both times. It felt like I was the main character in a K-drama. But the playful love triangle in some of them was much messier in real life, and even if the series that ran on TV in the small hours of the night always had a romantic aspect in it, despite the angsty drama between the three people, my situation couldn’t be further away from that. It hurt when the emotions, the thoughts of them both and our impossible situation, slashed at my heart, creating tiny nicks that constantly bled, no matter what I did. Not to mention how ridiculously much time it swallowed. Just thinking about what I should do. If I wanted to let my best friend go. Maybe even for good. If Chris was right when he said that our relationship wasn’t natural. That there should be something separating us, for us to be whole again. Me as me and him as him. That we had to grow up and stop living in a fantasy world where the two of us could be best friends forever, frolicking through a meadow with the sun setting… It just wasn’t realistic to keep dreaming like that. I was closing in on my mid 20s while Felix haven't even reached that number yet… and a part of me felt perverse. Disgusted with myself when I imagined him with me, doing all the things that I desperately craved by now. For us to completely indulge within each other. Got off on just the thought of how good the sex would be with our level of communication. How we'd be able to just become one without any of that awkwardness that usually happens when you slept with someone the first few times. But then I remembered who I was fantasizing about and my whole body froze. Remembered and felt sick to the stomach when I thought back about the way our life had been leading up to today. He’d always been smaller than me, always been one you could easily pick on and I had always been like a bigger sister. Always there to make sure that he was ok. But that all changed last summer, and even though I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment, I guess that something snapped the line of protective feelings I had towards him when I realized that he was older than I thought. That he’d grown up into a young man and I stood, fixated on the sidewalk beside him, watching as he seemed to age even more as the months flew by. How that innocence he always carried with him disappeared in an instance after Christmas when I nearly walked in on him. All of a sudden, everything changed, and I hated, hated to admit that he was hot. That e was honestly drop dead gorgeous after his jawline sharpened and the atmosphere around him switched from boy to man over spring and summer. I cursed myself daily. Cursed the fact that I felt attracted to the same person I’d seen growing up. That we had to be so close. That he still, now more than ever, glanced over at me while he thought I didn’t see. Not because he felt attracted to me but because I was interesting, simply because I was a woman. I guessed that it was just simpler like that, for him. Rather than staring at the girls in his class, because we always spend so much time together… And then there was Chris. The man I’ve thought of as the love of my life for the past five years. We began dating for real after he’d turned 19, simply because I felt uncomfortable with going out with someone younger than that. He’d been pressing me for two years though, constantly telling me that he didn’t mind that I was older but I felt dirty, like I was doing something forbidden every time he tried to talk me into sleeping with him and we kept our relationship status as friends; even dated others during that time. Our relationship was comfortable without the need to be together all the time. Out on adventurers throughout the first years of knowing each other and decided to move in together shortly after his 20th birthday. We lived and laughed together. Went on trips. Learned, loved, appreciated each other and the world around us. Promised each other to grow old together, to support each other and even though there wasn’t a physical ring around our fingers, since we both didn’t like the jewellery, there was a silent agree of an engagement. Only time could tell when we both felt that we were ready to actually buy the rings. And the rest is history, basically. We got along well, he was able to make music through university and I was able to work with my biggest passion and together we build a good life. Based on trust and commitment. Both which had never been threatened until now. Until the repressed feelings, the cloudy thoughts and emotions I’d buried deep in my heart flared up when Felix showed me the scholarship he’d received and told me that he’d travel to the other side of the earth. And here we were, just a few days until his departure. My heart torn to pieces. Delirium and sentimentality shooting holes through my mind and soul with every passing minute I spend with Felix. Guilt and conflict cracking in my joints with every passing minute I spend with Chris and it felt like I was falling apart. Like I was a ragdoll getting divided by two people, each of them loving me so much it hurt and each of them so important to me that I couldn’t pick one. - Sure, things felt strange between us now. We were more careful, not consciously as touchy feely as we’d been before, but I refused to let a feeling stop me from spending every waking moment with my best friend as the days passed quicker and quicker. We’d been watching a movie, and I scooted closer to him as the minutes passed, as if my body were drawn to him like a magnet and we both took a shaky inhale of relief when I leaned against him, and he placed his arm around me. Turned me around to face him, let us both fall to the side and I couldn’t help myself from burying my nose in the nape of his neck, stretching out like a content cat to feel his body against mine. Not caring about the movie as I tangled one leg with his before throwing the other over his waist. “I hate Hyunjin” Felix whispered, as he sighed deeply and I just hummed in agreement, knowing that he was talking about the stupid pandora’s box dare and the kiss that changed us, “I love you, noona. I don’t want anything to stop those emotions to reach you. Not a stupid dare, or the fact that I won’t be able to see that smile of yours in person for six months” “Don’t remind me” I whispered back. Voice slightly muffled from being pressed against his skin and he shivered slightly from my breath against his neck. Felt how badly my heart hurt when I held him tighter and how my body betrayed me as he pressed his against mine. How my heart flipped and the need to push him closer with the leg over his waist increased when I felt the slight dent of his cock in his pants press up against the warmth between my legs. Swore that I could feel his breath hitch in his throat when he felt the same things as I, but the two of us refused to act upon the feeling. Even as my arousal started to burn as he grew harder. Lasting in our comfortable position for as long as we could before I removed my leg and he swallowed hard, tensing up as he held himself back from chasing my heat. His erection poked against my thigh and I suppressed a gasp when he placed a lock of hair behind my ear. Breath ghosting against my lips when I met his dark eyes. A sad smile crinkled them, and I knew exactly how he felt. Even though he probably wouldn’t admit so, himself. Hoped so badly, that I felt ashamed of myself, that he got turned on because I was the one pressing up against him and not because he needed to get off and I was just a familiar body. Cursed my own heart when I realized how fucked up our situation really were.

[jjmin-ssi]

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[last updated: 6/25/18]

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enter domain: desire | explicit, jikook, oneshot(?), camboy! jimin + college student! jeongguk

↪  ❝camboy jimin has jeongguk whipped. jimin finally noticed jeongguk and it makes for a fun stream.❞

take all the stars that hang above me (be mine) | explicit, jikook, oneshot, cat hybrid! jimin + bunny hybrid! jeongguk

↪  ❝ being mates that are so in love, it's no question that jimin's heats make the both of them go a little mad. but pre-heats were a little different, not as intense but just as sweet and fulfilling to spend together.❞

i wanna be with (just love)  | explicit, jikook, oneshot, solo artist! jimin + rookie idol! jeongguk

↪  ❝ park jimin never cares for these shitty awards shows, but then newcomer rookie jeon jeongguk comes in and turns his whole world upside down.❞

i'd prefer soft mints instead | explicit, taegi, oneshot, canon idolverse

↪  ❝ soft boyfriends like kissing each other and coming together. that's it, that's the story.❞

faq

“why do you have two separate blogs for writing?”

i thought i should separate my x reader fics with those of ships, since not only are they drastically different in my opinion, but also usually those who search one type won’t be looking for the other. this way, no one will go into my main expecting ship fics or vice versa and be disappointed by the content or lack thereof.

“are you abandoning your main/|insert fic name here|?”

no, just simply taking a hiatus. i’d prefer if that sort of talk and asks were left on my main since i made this side blog specifically to keep away from it since i wasn’t doing well with writing and blogging there.

“will you write for |insert ship name here|?”

chances are if there isn’t already one of them written by me, there may well be in the future. i don’t really plan my fics for this account which is why i enjoy it a lot more than before, so i can’t for sure tell you what i will or won’t write anytime soon. that being said, i’m very open to just about all bts ships, ot7 relationships and poly things so don’t fret! it’s not that i don’t love/support their ship, just waiting on the right inspiration is all. you’ll see a lot of jikook because it is my otp and the ship i have the easiest time writing for but i love a variety of them and i won’t be afraid to share them eventually.

“when will you update/post something new?

this is probably the ask i hate the most and i’m sorry but 9/10 times i usually won’t respond to these. they’re what really drove me away from writing on my main because it felt like i was being pressured to write rather than doing it for my own enjoyment, which was the whole point of me doing it in the first place. that being said, if i have any plans (which is a big fat IF) i usually share them in some sort of update post or something along those lines. sometimes a fic/chapter can take me a few hours to churn out and sometimes i’ll be stuck on it for months. there’s no real rushing to this sort of thing, especially since i’m very meticulous when it comes to my works. 

“can i request something?”

sure! i can’t promise i’ll actually get to it but it might serve as good inspiration and i may write it! sometimes a good headcanon or concept or even just a certain pic or gifset may spark something in me so don’t be afraid to share your ideas with me! writer’s block can be a bitch but with the help of others, it’s certainly a lot easier of an obstacle to get over. 

(i.e. “i saw this gif and thought about alpha taehyung being all cuddly with his mate after a long day” or “i was just thinking about that interview and how much namjoon screamed baby boy and i now i can’t get this idea out of my head”)

“what won’t you write?”

i consider myself very open with ideas, kinks, fetishes, etc. but i will say i have some hard no’s. some are for obvious reasons and some are just personal preferences and i would really appreciate if you’d respect that. i will NEVER write anything including pedophilia, rape/non-con (without it being something for a plot. i mean it as like a kink or something positive), feet/foot fetishes, daddy kink, little lifestyles (can do very subby mindsets but no pacifiers, diapers, etc. that are known for ddlg) or scat. this list may be worked on later as i discover things that may make me uncomfortable to read or write.

“but |insert member here| isn’t like that at all! why are you writing them like that?”

let me make this clear: i am a fan fiction writer, therefore, nothing i write is real. i can write things born of canon moments or things that have realistic aspects but obviously nothing i write can come true because why would bts suddenly stop being idols to be drug lords or go to a regular american college? if you think that the way i write and portray a member as a character in any of my fics is footing in my opinion of them, then i’m sorry to say you’re sorely mistaken. just because a member is a villain in one fic doesn’t mean that’s what i truly see them as. i love each and every member of bts equally and i support them through all their endeavors. they’re first and foremost people i look up to and truly appreciate.

what does the (?) mean next to oneshots in your masterlist?

that simply means it’s technically a oneshot but it may become part of a series or simply have a sequel at some point! sometimes i really enjoy the au or storyline of a oneshot i write and i might want to revisit again for some reason. this isn’t a guarantee to a full fledged sequel but just a note that it may be worked on at some point in the future, so if you particularly enjoyed that story or au, there might be more in store!

can i send you asks about anything?

sure you can, though i can’t promise when exactly i can get to them but know that i’ll always be open for anything. whether it’s good news, something personal, needing to vent, sharing ideas, needing advice, etc. i’ll always be here! 

please feel free to ask any more questions if they’re unanswered here or if you need any further clarification. thank you! ♡

[msvulnerable-mystory]

FINDING PEACE ON THE INSIDE - #1 PRIORITY FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH IS FORGIVENESS FOR MYSELF FOR MY MISTAKES

1. What things will you NOT miss about the relationship and the person you were with?

I will not miss feeling REJECTED! I will not miss feeling EXPOSED! I will not miss feeling lonely, alone, even though I had a boyfriend and partner. I will not miss feeling isolated and misunderstood. I will not miss feeling unimportant. I will not miss not being a priority. I will not miss the arguing. I will not miss the weekly heart aches, disappointment and REJECTION! Reflecting back, it seemed as if Lee and I had different thought processes and beliefs. I was willing to move to make a relationship better and to improve our lives. He didn’t want to take any next steps together because of our fighting, arguing, bickering and disagreements. I will take ownership of starting the arguments, the majority of the time. I was pretending that our relationship was better and healthier than it truly was. I wanted to move forward and onto the next step in our lives, so by living in a fantasy world of our relationship, our communication (OR LACK OF IT), our lack of effort and our arguing was consistently, EVERY WEEK. I will not miss feeling undeserving and less than Lee and that I was never going to find a guy like him again. Ultimately, I was willing to move states, change jobs, my life to be with Lee and he didn't communicate to me that he was willing to make equal or similar changes in his life. The actions or non actions, the lack of effort to see me or to be together was obvious that we were disconnected. We didn't and do not want the same things in life, in terms of family, the possibility of children. Even if we didn't have children, I wanted the opportunity, the choice, the ability to decide. I felt as though he wasn't willing to provide this piece of the puzzle for me. I felt as though it was a consistent no with Lee. Including with the most sensitive, emotional and very personal life issues or situations, Lee communicated no. He didn’t communicate that he was open or flexible. It’s felt like a consistent blatant NO or I don’t know if I want kids or I’m not ready, right now. I translated that into, let’s give it time. If I’m in the same house as Lee and if we grow closer, he’ll fall more in love and be attached. Lee rarely communicated his attachment to me. The attachment weakened, as we argued more. The tension was thick and he was getting advice and conversations from his inner circle that they approved of us not taking the next step because we “fought constantly!” Personally, to me, in my heart of hearts, when two people love one another, it’s natural and human to think about making a human together. It’s the sweetest GIFT and SENTIMENT. As a woman, this is the number one sign of being in love and committing to that person. Personally, as a woman in my late thirties, it’s the ultimate gift and symbol of love. Making a tribe together.

2. What things WILL you miss and why? Oftentimes, the things we miss are how we felt within the relationship, not the actual person themselves.

I will miss having a companion to share stories with. I will miss the conversations with someone whom I thought “got me.” I will miss the silent support Lee provided. I will miss traveling together. Exploring this country together. I will miss feeling like I was a part of a team, working towards a common goal to be together and be life partners. It was a fantasy that I was dreaming of and conjuring by myself about our future and the potential our future held. There was so much hope. This was definitely part of my fantasy story in my fantasy world that I have been in for the last year. I wasn’t practical or realistic about the facts of our love story. I made words and actions mean what I wanted them to signify to keep our story alive.

3. What negative things did you contribute to the relationship? Which of your actions made things worse? It's extremely important to acknowledge your responsibility here - blaming one person for the downfall of the relationship is an impossibility.

I contributed to the argumentative communication. I take ownership of starting fights to "scream" for attention or if I didn't feel listed to or noticed or appreciated, which after months of negative long distance interacting and phone calls that ended with fighting, arguing, attacking or projecting and blaming. I would hold a grudge from something that I felt wronged for and I would attempt to move on and past it, but because there was never a sincere apology or ownership taken or any in person discussions, arguments got more serious and more toxic. I own that I had the tone to start off the conversations. I was bitter and it came across. I lived in a fantasy world, where I told myself that if we lived in the same city, we would be harmonious. The arguing was 90% to 10%. Lee avoided, over committed and would just not call or check in if he was out drinking or socializing. He would call the next day. That happened quite a bit. He would look for reasons to not talk. I didn't enjoy our conversations. I felt like I was getting graded and that he would talk about me negatively to people he is close with. When we would argue, he would say that people didn't like us being together. Apparently, Lee is perfect and is avoidance because it's not arguing is acceptable. His people enable him. Bet he never told Maria or Dan how much I cared for him, what I was willing to do to be together, how faithful and loyal I was, bet they never heard those positive traits.

4. What would you differently if you had it to do again?

If I did it all over again, what would I do? This is a layered questions. First, I'd be more friendly, harmonious, peaceful and accepting. I would change my tone in conversations to be welcoming and warm, so that I brought us together and didn't exacerbate the distance and disconnection with  temperamental moody and emotional conversations. I would be a better listener. I would instill patience. I would stop interpreting friendship actions for being in love. I would have recognized much sooner the different things in our future we wanted. I would have separated from this relationship earlier this year, when I realized we weren't compatible, probably around April. I stayed with him because of my testing and diagnosis and then I had to tuck my tail between my legs and swallow my pride when I was diagnosed. So much guilt. So much shame. 

5. What relationship skills do you need to strengthen for the next time you're in a relationship?

Being open, non judgmental and willing to listen. Being conversational, kind and respectful. Being consistently respectful and speaking the same to my partner whether someone is listening or not. Not speaking in a toxic tone to my partner. Not having the moodiness or anger. Recognizing if we aren't compatible, then take the steps to separate sooner rather than making excuses, justifying negative behaviors and building up resentment.

6. Write down the following emotions and how they pertain and relate to your ex and yourself:

Guilt - I probably made Lee feel guilty at times to try to get through to him what my emotions were. I felt like, otherwise, he didn't understand my feelings or why I would get upset. Anger - There was a lot of anger from me. I own that I had 80% of the anger and that was really pain and hurt underneath, but I showed it with angry and fighting words. Happiness - We weren't "happy." Period. Literally, the word never came off our tongues. Blame - We both justify and blame one another for the mistakes that were made. Fear - lots of fear of rejection, fear of not be accepted, fear of abandonment on my part. I cant' speak for Lee on his fears. He had fears about not succeeding in his career. Love - we do care and love each other as friends. Denial - I lived in denial and in my fantasy love soap opera. It was more sad to let go of the potential of a future than our actual relationship. We didn't have a physical bond. Hatred - There were lots of moments of hate. Pain - the anger I showed was pain underneath Joy - very rarely did  I feel joy with Lee. Depression  - all the time, consistently in a funky depression.

7. Are there things you want to be forgiven for? Are you willing to forgive yourself? 8. Are you willing to forgive your ex for the things they were responsible for? 8. What did your ex and your relationship teach you that you're grateful for? 9. How are you stronger and wiser through this experience?

[spineandprose]

A Severe Mercy | February 2017

My friends, I read A Severe Mercy in only a week! That’s quick reading for me. So, a glowing review is to follow. If you didn’t like the book, please share! Don’t let my thoughts dissuade you.

Join the discussion on Sheldon Vanauken’s book by posting a comment below. Remember, you can use a review guide (nonfiction or Christian self-help would both work well for this book) to structure your review if you’d find that helpful. Itching for brevity? Opt instead to post a sentence or a star rating for your review, or reply to another reader’s post. I’ve also included questions at the bottom of my review to get your thoughts rolling. Go wild and make it yours.

Ok, here's the review!

Book Review of A Severe Mercy

Reading Experience I loved reading this book. I soaked it in during my son’s nap times and made late nights just to read a few more pages. Van’s descriptions made it easy to travel along to sunny Hawaii, jump aboard Grey Goose, and cozy up at the Studio in Oxford. It was a consuming experience for me: when I wasn’t reading, I was thinking about it; when I was reading the chapter called “The Deathly Snows,” I was crying endlessly. I’ve been recommending it to everyone. Bold statement: It’s become my favorite book. One huge bummer: I read from a library copy, and couldn’t underline so.many.things.

Writing Style and References Van’s writing is so beautiful and unique. It was a pleasure to read; a breath of fresh air, a joy for my mind. Van’s descriptions of Glenmerle in the first chapter did reminded me of The Big House, but really, The Big House hardly compares. He skillfully wove in poems that he and Davy wrote and incorporated letters between himself and C.S. Lewis. There was a lot packed in there. Has anyone read a book similar or have an author comparison?

There were also so many words I didn’t know, or just hadn’t seen before: Demythologizers. Unctuous. Obdurate. Compunction. Uxorious. Intimation. I love reading books that expand my vocabulary!

Despite how beautiful his writing was, I just couldn’t get into the poems. I tried to love them, tried to like them, and then just settled on appreciating them for the sweetness they brought to Van and Davy’s love. Did anyone enjoy reading the poems? Did you have a favorite poem? I’d love to hear.

Themes There is so much gospel truth and practical marriage advice provided in this book that I wanted to underline something on every page. Since I was reading from a library copy, I refrained, but the themes of time and love are woven throughout. 

Everything he described about his love and marriage with Davy was perfectly beautiful (these were real people?!), incredibly romantic (again, these were real people?!), and deeply moving. It was so dreamy and so beautifully described that it could make a reader jump to one of two extremes: either disbelief (ok, enough with the love already—this isn’t realistic!) or envy (I want that kind of love! Why isn’t my lover like that with me?!). For me, I swayed toward envy, but really just saw their relationship as a sweet encouragement. Love can be like that! How fun! It made me want to up the love and romance in my own marriage (sans poems). Reading about their love didn’t make me dissatisfied with my own marriage, but rather encouraged me to continue loving my husband in all the ways I can see possible, that suit and seem fit for us. What would their pillars of a strong relationship—sharing, creeping separateness, the shinning barrier—look like in our marriage, if we chose to adopt them and make them our own? And surely, this is an effort worth making. Did you sway toward disbelief or envy when you read about their love?

But interestingly, Van and Davy’s love is not the point of this book. Instead, Van is writing to showcase the ultimate love, found only in Christ. While Van initially describes the love he shares with Davy as the greatest love, they later become Christians and realize that God is the greatest love, and He provides what their love for each other could not.

God alone provides the ultimate sharing they desired, as Jesus became man and shared humanity with us (“See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me, and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have.” Luke 24:39 ).

God alone provides the assurance from creeping separateness that they yearned for (“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ... For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:35–39).

God alone provides the protection of a shinning barrier that they could not be themselves (“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.” Proverbs 18:10). Van confesses in the chapter called “The Barrier Breached” that he experienced a season of fondness for Jane. It was heartbreaking to read, especially given their conscious efforts to keep their love always growing and always only for each other.

They also yearn for freedom from time, endless time together to grow their love, and yet, they know death will come. But with a Christian’s death, a new eternal life is promised—“Christians NEVER say goodbye!” (page 125)—which Van also confirms to Davy when he sweetly says, “This—this illness—is maybe going to mean our parting—for awhile.” (page 159). Cue even more weeping. And so Van finds that love for God, and from God—the only eternal love—is incomparably better than any time-bound, human-originated love, even between the most romantic spouses. And he confirms this through what he describes was Christ’s work of a severe mercy in his life: Davy’s death, severe; Van’s continued and deepened trust and love of Christ, and his promised reunion with Davy in heaven, mercy. How severe a pain it was when Christ took their earthy love for each other, and yet how sweet a mercy that in doing so, Christ gave them the eternal love they always longed for, both in relation to God and with each other. What themes did you find in this book? How would you describe the severe mercy that Van experienced?

General Thoughts I loved Van’s writing style, the romance of their early years, and the story of their salvation. It was educational for me to read how he grieved, since I have no understanding of grief and the various forms it can take. This is such a sweet story with eternal truths that it’s hard to let go! A reread of it next year (from my own copy, with pen in hand—so many things I wish I’d underlined!) seems fitting. I’m also interested in reading some of Van’s other books, specifically The Little Lost Marion, about his search for the daughter Davy gave up for adoption when she was 14 (who knew!).

I’d love to hear from you!

What did you like or dislike about the book? What star rating would you give?

Throw me some favorite quotes—what did you underline?

What themes did you pick up? Did Van incorporate any gospel themes we see presented in the Bible: creation, fall, reception, or restoration? How were these included in his book?

Did anyone enjoy reading the poems? Did you have a favorite poem?

How does this book help you to understand God’s redemptive, sacrificial love for you?

Did you sway toward disbelief or envy when you read about Van and Davy’s love?

How would you describe the severe mercy that Van experienced?

Does Van present a big view of God and a small view of us?

What did you learn about grief and loss through Van’s grieving process over Davy?

Would you recommend this book? Would you reread it?