#i wrote up an angsty storm (based on real life events) and dipped

[ilyuu-archive]

the deadline is next week!! i swear it was just april, like, two days ago, wdym it’s june already? 🤨

[hockeyboysiguess]

Through the Storm

a/n: i based it off a poem i wrote three and a half years ago. this is the most angsty thing i’ve ever written. it could definitely have a part two, if you guys want it!

You met Mat almost a year ago to the day and sitting in your favorite coffee shop that Monday afternoon you couldn’t decide if knowing him was one of the most transforming things that had ever happened to you, or one of the absolute worst things. It was probably both, you decided as you sipped your drink, waiting for him to meet you. He was late. He was always late to anything with you. There was definitely a note to take in there about where you fell on his priority list. 

You’d seen him on Saturday and everything had unfortunately gone exactly how you’d tried to make it not go. You’d gone home with him after that party, but everything was so different now then it was before he left for the summer. You shouldn’t have done it, well him, on Saturday. You knew he was terrible for you; your time with him before the summer break had told you that. You still couldn’t avoid him, no matter how much you tried. He felt like he was supposed to be yours, but he wasn’t. You knew part of him really wanted to be, but he wasn’t capable of it. He’d told you so one November night at a particularly vulnerable moment for him. You still tried to fix him anyway. It’s what you’d always done. 

You were pulled out of your thoughts by a jingle at the cafe door. Mat had arrived only seventeen minutes late. Might be a record for him. He hadn’t really bothered to dress up for you. His dark sweats hung low off his hips and the t-shirt, backwards hat combination told you he’d probably rolled out of bed and come straight here. He waved at you and gestured that he was going to get a coffee and come over. You let out a breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding as he ordered. You weren’t sure if you were ready to have this conversation, but you had to be. Your dad had always told you to try and do one thing everyday that makes you uncomfortable since people only grow during uncomfortable moments. You were pretty sure this was about to account for at least a month’s worth of those moments, possibly longer.

“Hey.” 

You swallowed hard as he settled into his seat, coffee in hand. You could see the tension in his shoulders. He didn’t know what you were going to say to him, but he knew it wasn’t going to be good. Saturday night with him had been rough for both of you and he couldn’t deny it didn’t go well. You fought, as you typically did with him.

“Hey, you.” You cringed hopefully only internally at how awkward that was. Mat smiled softly at you and you couldn’t help but smile back. You pulled yourself back together after a few seconds to continue, “So I wanted to talk to you about the other night.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” he cleared his throat. “Uh, what did you want to say about it?”

“Um, I don’t think we should hook up anymore. I actually, uh, don’t think we should really see each other at all anymore.”

Your words hit him harder than you thought they would. He definitely hadn’t been expecting that to come out of your mouth. He scrambled a little, a few sounds escaping his lips as he tried to figure out how to respond.

“Why?” was all he could manage to say. “I thought um, I thought everything was okay enough? I know things were a little messy before I left for the summer I guess but, why?”

“Look, I just don’t think is good for me.” You’d found some footing this time, your words coming out stronger now. “You aren’t good for me, Mat, and I need to do what’s best for me.”

“What do you mean I’m not good for you? I take you to dinner, I bring you to all of my events,” he lowered his voice and leaned in, “and I know the sex is great. So, can you try and let me what’s going through your head before you toss this out?”

“Mat, what even is this? This isn’t real and you won’t understand where I’m coming from,” you sighed, debating if you really want to get into this or not.

You thought you could’ve gotten out of this with just saying you wanted to end this dance you’d been doing for almost a year now. You thought he might have just let you walk because this was so complicated, but that wasn’t the case. You were going to have to go through all of those feelings, piece by piece, reopen the old wounds, just to finally end this. You took a deep breath before beginning.

“Look, Mat, it’s like, I have this beautiful house I created except the house is my life. I built it all on my own. I got splinters in my hands when I laid down the flooring. I had to rebuild the foundation so many times until it was strong enough to hold up my life, to hold me up. I had to create something strong enough to keep me warm and safe and support my life and the person I want to be.

“But god, Mat, you showed up like a full on hurricane and I don’t think you knew that’s what you were doing to my life and I wasn’t ready for it.” You laughed a little in a vain attempt to hold back a sob. “You blew open the windows and doors of my life and the fresh air was so, so wonderful for a few moments.”

Mat smiled softly at you and you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling back at him even though you knew you were about to hurt him.

“But you actually didn’t come in.” You bit your lip to try to keep yourself together. “You just opened everything up and never actually came into the house. You stood in the foyer, kept your shoes on, and the doors and windows stayed open.”

You shook your head softly, “I was so vulnerable, Mat, because of you. You were supposed to come in and shut everything behind you and stay with me. You were supposed to actually be my partner and support me and the life I made for myself. You were supposed to help keep me safe but you just stood there in the doorway, not sure if you wanted to come in or not for months and months. You left me in limbo where I didn’t know if you really wanted me or if you wanted someone so you weren’t alone when you felt lonely.”

His face fell, the corners of his mouth dipping down as his brows furrowed. He fussed anxiously with the cup in his hands.

“After months of leaving me vulnerable, you just left without any warning because shit got too real for you.” Your volume increased with each work as tears started to sting your eyes. “You left and the wind kicked up. The door got ripped off it’s hinges and the windows shattered. I had to put it back together in a rush. It’s all cardboard and duct tape and all the glass is cracked and I had to nail the door shut so it wouldn’t get carried away in the storm and I’m trying to put myself back together, but it’s so fucking hard. You ruined me, Barzy, and didn’t even notice all of the damage you caused because none of it happened to you.”

Mat swallowed hard. You knew you were hurting him, but he needed to know that this wasn’t something you could just let go and never talk about.

“And now you’re here, six months later like you can just come right back into my life,” you told him. Your hands gripped your coffee mug. Your palms were sweating and the ceramic slid against your hands uncomfortably, matching your discomfort of having to parse this all out for Mat.

“Hey that’s not true. I-”

“Don’t,” you cut him off even though your heart stung in your chest as you did it. “You don’t get to tell me that I’m wrong here, because you’re the one who hurt me. You came back the other night after you tore through the life I built for myself in spite of everything and you came back looking for what? A return to New York from summer break hook up after way too many beers because if you were so drunk that you couldn’t see the wreck you made of me that it wouldn’t be real? But it’s real, Mat. It’s so real that looking at you hurts.” 

“Then why did you sleep with me the other night?” Mat’s jaw was tense. “I know I screwed up. I know I hurt you. I thought about it every day all summer and I-”

“Didn’t text me for almost six months and only spoke to me at all because I was at the same party as you,” you cut him off again. Your pain was switching to anger and you let it fuel your resolve. “Mat, you told me so much about you. We had so many beautiful moments together. You got scared of how real it was so you ran. You ran and decided to just have sex with that girl to get away from it all. We could’ve had something so beautiful and you know it and it terrifies you still.”

Mat’s head fell. He couldn’t look you in the eyes. He knew you were right and there was nothing he could say.

“I slept with you because god, it’s you. You wrecked me, Mat, but you’re still the guy I know so well. I want to not like you, but I do. I like you so much that on Saturday I just didn’t care what sleeping with you would do to me. I wanted you anyway.” Each word was firm and exact, cutting deep into Mat. You drank the last sip of you coffee before finishing. “You are still terrified, Mat. I can see it. You don’t know how to process how you feel. I’m done wasting my time and energy waiting for you to figure out that I’m worth the risk. I’m done getting hurt waiting for you. I’m done.”

You stood up from your seat and grabbed your purse, throwing it over your shoulder. Mat reached out and grabbed your hand. His face was strained. He kept opening his mouth like he wanted to start a sentence, but he couldn’t finish it. He didn’t know what to say to try and get you to stay. 

“Please,” he finally asked you softly, begging you with his soft eyes and a desperate need coating each word. “I know I messed up. Hell, I know I’m messed up, but please. Please give me some more time to try and figure this out. I’m so good when I have you and I know I make you feel so good when we’re together.”

Him reference sex right now when you were trying to talk about real, emotional things pissed you off. It was a desperate attempt to get you to feel something because he couldn’t actually handled talking about real things. 

“You’re so good when you have me, but it doesn’t work the other way around. You should’ve asked six months ago for more time to figure it out. Asking now is just a desperate attempt to keep the status quo because you don’t know how to do anything other then exactly what you want to do, Barzy.” 

Your words were cold, but you didn’t care at this point. Your decision was final. You took your hand out of his, even though it made your heart pulse angrily in your chest and your stomach twist. He was just whispering please softly. He knew it wasn’t working, but he had nothing else to say because he couldn’t give you what you deserved.

“The sex was shit on Saturday,” you added. “I don’t know what happened over the summer, but it’s shit now. Just so you know.” 

You left without another word. Tears spilled out from your eyes as you turned the corner from the coffee shop. Your heart desperately wanted you to go back and fight for him, but you couldn’t fight for someone that was incapable of loving you in the first place. So, you walked on and didn’t look back.