#i wrote these reviews at different points in the week so it uh. slowly unravels into despair

[actualbird]

i promised last week that i would do a candy review of every candy i had consumed over the final finals week and here it is, in order of consumption over the terrible, no good, very bad week

1) weird chocolate candy cigarettes my dad bought me when we were in osaka last may - 3/10

this candy is a chocolate stick facsimile of a cigarette. it tastes like chocolate flavored chalk. i am allowed to say this because i have eaten chalk before. one point was added because it is enjoyable but only after the candy is gone, and i feel like anything that needs to not be there anymore to be enjoyed is something that doesnt deserve a high score. the other two points were added for the gifting value. im not ungrateful, i just have high standards

2) chupa chups sour bites fruity flavor - 8.5/10 

this candy is like a few sourtapes stacked on each other for width but cut into smaller sizes. i very much enjoyed this one. the gummy looks like a rainbow and that definitely adds points. this candy is gay. it tastes like a tame sour patch kid and is rather addicting. i deducted points because the name implies there to be an aspect of sourness to it, which the candy lacked. i would say it was more of a fun little tang. also, the pack totally couldve fit more pieces of candy, but instead was filled with air. i finished this candy much earlier than expected and that made me sad.

3) weird candy from the clipper in uptc - 5/10

see, this candy isnt exactly like, enjoyable. but it isn’t not enjoyable. they were advertised in the pack they were in (a pack i had to dispose of because it wasnt resealable and i might be a goblin, but i wasnt going to eat like, several handfuls of candy in one go. thats…..well it’s not ridiculous, ive done that before, a lot of times, but the whole point of eating this much candy in this time period was to make it last so that i had some incentive not to die in the middle of the week. i had to transfer the candy into a small ziplock bag which made the candy look like, really fucking shady, and thats why the picture has a bunch of them on a piece of tissue) as “apple mint hard candies” and a lot of the points were deducted because i did not taste an ounce of apple. they were just mints. not bad mints, but not good either. this was mint purgatory. i often munched them while writing to keep myself awake, and it gets points for keeping my eyes open, i guess. the thought of falling asleep while i had those mint voids in my mouth seemed horrific. 

4) gummy angry dudes (???) that my mom got from bangkok - 6/10

in the taste department, these gummies were standard. tasted like a regular gummy worm. most of the points are awarded simply because i cannot for the life of me figure what the hell this gummy is supposed to be. it has horns, a very angry face, and pretty swole thighs. it’s a very powerful looking gummy and this had to be taken into account. however, my mom ate a lot of these while in bangkok and blames them for giving her the flu for 4 days. points docked for (allegedly) giving my mom a hard time. gummies should not give my mom a hard time. thats what my existence is for. just kidding.

5) fruit-tella - 8/10

a classic. never fails. i got this to munch on during an utterly terrible finals session where my philosophy class had to watch all of the final movie projects we made, and these candies prevented me from disconnecting from this plane of existence because i hated everything, prevented me from astral projecting into a universe where i was happy or at least wanted to be. tangy but not overwhelming. chewy but not overly so. when i was in 4th grade, this candy helped me dislodge a loose tooth, so i didnt have to go to the dentist to get it removed. fruit-tella has never failed me. 2 points docked because fruit-tella does have a tell tale smell that lets everybody within a 50 mile radius Know you have fruit-tella, thus prompting them to ask “hey, can i have some fruit-tella?” i dislike this interaction very much, but i assume in the universe where im happy, this interaction is fine because that alternate!me is probably more well adjusted and cooler and better. anyway.

6) cola sour tape - 9/10

cola sour tape is one of the sexiest candies out there. i love sour tape. i love soda. this candy brings me both in one flat bitch perfect for me to just slowly eat like a noodle while tears stream down my face and i wonder why i chose this course, why am i majoring in writing, what if im not good at the only thing i thought i could do right. cola sour tape brings me the perfect amount of tang and perfect amount of sweetness and it genuinely reminds me that no matter how bad things get, there will be a moment where i will be eating cola sour tape, and things will be marginally less shitty. cola sour tape kept me company as i submitted my final requirement of this sem, the world’s shittiest final fiction manuscript, and cola sour tape’s wonderful mix of fun flavors kept me awake enough to face the fact that nearly two decades into my life, im still not sure about anything, really. one point docked for the fact that all sour tape has the monumental flaw of the sour sugar just getting fucking everywhere. please dont show me evidence of my actions. please. please. 

overall, this past week has been a sugar fueled frenzy of existential dread and stress. i never want to do it again, but i would gladly eat all the candies rated 6 and above like 800 more times. thanks for reading!!!