#i write all this while accepting that i am flawed and im allowed to mess up. not getting it right is human. perfection isnt real.

[scarysanctuary]

You know what, I've resented being alive for most of my life, and its only gotten worse and worse as of recently, I'm here to stay so I want to make a promise to myself that I'm going to find the light, I want to be a source of joy for others and myself, I want to be someone that I enjoy being around, that my inner monologue is a place of understanding, knowledge, gratitude and peace rather than constant anguish, I want to have fun, not for any other reason but to have fun. I'm so tired of "living" by these rules I made up God knows when, at a time in my life when i was probably under great stress, hurt, and in danger, I love that girl, and that girl protected me, but I need her to step aside now so that I've actually got a shot at happiness.

[theolddivorcedzukka]

I am asking about your zukka mitski playlist because my interest has been peaked !!

hi anon i am aware that this ask was sent on july 1st and your interest is no longer piqued so oops and sorry :(

here is the playlist link in case u still want to listen to it and ill talk about it a bit under the read more!!

hiiii so the funny thing about this playlist is that it was from before i even started posting about divorced zukka but i still had the headcanon of zuko and sokka dating when younger, breaking up, and then getting back together as middle aged adults. the playlist follows that exact same sequence cause im too lazy to write the fic so this is my way of writing the divorced zukka fic

ok so im not gonna explain the whole thing but I'll try to be a bit brief about what the songs talk about without getting into Why cause i know i'll be here for hours if i do so

1-3: sokka's section. it is set in canon and the vibe here is "i need to be strong, i need to be brave and tough like my father, like a real man, i have depression, i need to be the warrior, i do all the protecting but who is going to save me, i'm just asking for a kiss, one day i am going to die, etc"

4-9: zuko's section. set in canon up till "working for the knife" which is about him being firelord which suuuuucks. ehh you get the gist of it he is flawed, he is fucked up, he doesn't know what he wants, he is the forest fire, he is watching himself burn, he just needs something that will fill him up, etc and then he is crowned firelord and he gets worse but in a different way

10-11: classic sokka and zuko parallelism. hungry to be something they cannot be, thinking that that thing is what they should want, that that is what they are really hungry for. Wrong

12-13: set in the boiling rock. both would be from sokka's perspective and first love late spring is there because of how zuko holds sokka back from doing this reckless thing alone and end up killing himself "one word from you and i would jump off of this ledge im on baby. tell me don't so i can crawl back in" and heat lightning is about sokka surrendering and giving in to accepting that he needs help, he can't do this alone and so he allows zuko and co to carry this load with him and work together to get out of tbr

14-15: zuko and sokka start dating years after the war. "come into the water" is basically "come here, let's take this risk together. we both know it could be a mess but we don't really care about that right now, tell me you want me to do this and i'll come into the water with you" and for a while, it is all good. sokka and zuko start falling in love, they start taking care of each other, thinking that they can heal like this together and it'll all be good. there is still some issues in there like sokka's protectiveness that can end up hurting him "while you sleep, i'll be scared. so by the time you wake, ill be brave" but during that period in their relationship, they feel like nothing can get to them as long as they're together in their safe space.

16-18: the problems arise. they both knew that this had to be secret because of zuko's position, homosexuality being illegal in the fire nation, the assassination attempts that could worsen if the truth came out, and both their reputations but it's hard keeping it secret when they wish they could be like this not only behind locked doors. as well as that, sokka feels inferior here in the fire nation and it's not just the way the court talks about and at him and the way he's treated because of the fire nation's racism, it's that feeling that in a way he is betraying the water tribe, his family, his mother, everyone. what is he doing here in a nation that caused him and everyone so much harm? and he can separate how he feels about zuko from how he feels about the fire nation but it feels wrong sometimes, they feel like the same person sometimes.

18: this could also be seen as the proposal gone wrong or what leads up to it. they both aren't talking things through with full honesty, they try to avoid conflict cause their relationship is their one good thing at the moment. "sorry i can't take your touch, it's not that i don't want you" is basically sokka refusing the proposal to me. those aren't his words, they both just burst out at each other and make it all a mess. and sokka wants zuko but he can't sacrifice himself to spend his whole life there in a nation that he just doesn't feel right in, which might be one of sokka's few "im doing this for me" moments, and so this ends their relationship. huzzah.

19: breakup song. thinking that's where you loved me. me too zukka

20-21: classic zuko self-deprecation momence. "when you leave me, i should die. i deserve it, don't i?" and "i don't blame you if you want to bury me in your memory, im not the boy i ought to be" etc

22: sokka's lament. "i know i ended it but why won't you chase after me?" i know that this is what i must do but why won't you come back and try to change my mind? what if you just don't care anymore? why didn't you stop me even if we both know that we can't change this?

23: "you're my best friend now i have no one to tell how i lost my best friend" no comment

24: aghhhh this love is a star it's so gone now it's so over

25: we are so back!!!! as reluctant friends. this is zuko and sokka's first formal reunion together where they actually sit down together and awkwardly talk and pretend they don't have feelings. they are both lying when they say they haven't told anyone ofc they have. in my mind, this is when zuko has izumi now and they're catching up and trying to be friends again

26-27: that doesn't fucking work, they don't want to be friends. they always want each other when they think they're finally fine, they're both foolish to bet on this "whatever it is" when they know they're bound to lose. they want each other but they can't have each other, they hold the cards, they have a chance but taking that risk could ruin everything

28: oh my gooood fuck it let's hook up for old time's sake but also we both know that this shit won't go anymore but let's take this chance only for today (becomes a frequent thing every time sokka visits)

29: sokka has a realization and finds out that zuko still does have feelings. he wanted him but he couldn't reach sokka again, he's been keeping all of him in his memory to try to keep that love and now Sokka knows. oh shit wtf what now?

30: zuko and sokka have a talk. they have a small moment. maybe there is slow dancing involved. it really was foolish of us to think that we could stay the same. it would be so wonderful to go back to when we were younger, that short time was beautiful while it lasted. we both know that there is love in here but it can't happen again. im sorry

31: SIKE!!!! WE ARE SO BACK FR THIS TIME. you are the one i want, you're the one i've got, i'm not wasting this one lifetime without you. i will be the one you need, the way i can't be without you

32: zukka undivorced arc baby zukka back together. i know i've kissed you before but i didn't do it right, i haven't kissed you the way i should. let me kiss you like it used to be, not hurried or desperate, let me do it right and let me try again and again and again until we get it right. maybe there is no way to get it right and perfect but they still kiss so it's a perfect excuse

33: zuko and sokka retire, zuko ends the monarchy, they run off to the water tribe together just like they planned from the beginning. they could be anywhere but it doesn't matter where, they just want to be still with each other

34: *sokka voice* yue i just had a weird prophetic dream so if i die, look after zuko for me

35: sokka death scene amv. zuko loses sokka forever this time and there's no coming back now. he doesn't know how to be strong anymore if sokka isn't here to see him

36: zuko death scene amv. go get your stupid death on a rocking chair all calm and peaceful, old man

37: end credits

[bakugoukatsuki-rising]

I'm. The new covers, op. The new covers. Gosh. Both of them hold so much symbolism. And technically they both are canon, they are both original ideas that could perfectly be valid. Horikoshi simply found something better. But anyways, I'm going to go ahead and ramble about it because Im- Op, prepare for a long ask! Hope you like it!

So!

On the one where Katsuki's the one in the picture, he's not on his knees like he is in the other two covers. Instead, he has his face down, body forward, one hand on one leg, the other one holding out for something...He's bowing. Bowing in Japanese culture is a pretty big deal. Hes not just tilting his head a bit, his head and body are on full on commitment.

Such a tilted bow means a LOT, specially from THIS guy, Mr dont let anyone walk in front of me. Even more when hes not just bowing, but accepting such an open display of given help, Mr shonen anime lone wolf. Accepting something he always has trouble admitting to. Accepting the past, accepting the wrongs. Accepting Izukus help means so much, and that's what these three covers have in common.

His hand is sctretching out. He's ready to say yes to that hand out in the air.

(Ps. I wonder if he's watching his own reflection on the water in this panel, as well?)

Hes in middle of the picture with those childhood friend at the back, which means audience. It means letting people see what hes done, what he's sorry for. He is being open and exposed and vulnerable. That's no fighting stance.

Remember guys, in case you haven't noticed before, Horikoshi puts lots of metaphorical value in his manga and on his covers. Sometimes you've got to dig in deep and think to get the bigger picture. And in this case, the bigger picture screams regret and wanting to make things right from the start.

This cover occurs in the past, at the moment where everything started, and Katsuki fully remembers this. Katwuki has thought of this, is thinking about this. He's had eye bags for gods sake, he's clearly troubled by all of what it means.

These three covers are the visual explanation of what's going on inside Katsuki's head, because this is clearly focused on him and his perspective.

(Ps. Rivers symbolise the massage of time. If that doesnt add to everything else, I dont know what to tell you.)

So! Next!

Wow, if this isnt one of my favourite things ever. Okay. Christ.

I have two options here. Scratch that, three options. Scream into the void, scream into this post, or actually make a good presentation of my inner turmoil. I'll have to go by the third option. (Haha. Just like horikoshi did. Dont # me, I'm funny in my head.)

This cover melted my insides, froze them all over, and hit me with them like a hammer.

I know they're kids, but let me get this straight-so kids seriously look at their friends with these looks in their eyes and think "ah, yes. This is my very good friend. This gentle smile and kind look I'm giving him as if he was my whole world? Well, hes just a very good friend."

I looked at my childhood crush this way, I dont know what to tell you.

Anyway, let's actually jump to the information at hand.

This panel seems like it's making a reference to what Katsuki wishes could have been. And if that's not absolutely soul-crushing...this cover is Katsuki's feelings, guys. These are probably his very thoughts. This scene has gone through Katsuki's head at some point.

We've got Izuku in his stuck up pose all over again, in just an awkward angle. It's like katsuki isnt looking AT this katsuki right now, but at the spot where the actual past Katsuki, at some point, was. As if this Isuku is frozen in time. Dont believe too much in this paragraph, I still have my doubts about that, but I feel it's a possibility. Izukus eyes seem to be focused on the water, while Katsuki is just the tiniest bit back, reaching for Izukus hand. And gosh.

I dont think I've ever seen older NOR child Katsuki have this look plasted into his face before. He's...sheepish. Kindly, awkwardly sheepish. No hate, no anger, no shame, no nothing. His face is clear and sweet and has this "Whoops. You got me. But thanks." kind of expression on.

The hand behind his head, just the tiniest but embarassed? That little smile? It's all so soft.

Rambling about softness though- I really liked the hand scene in this particular panel. If you close up your view, you realise that theres no effort to pull anyone out of nowhere. In this panel, they are simply holding hands in frozen time for no purpose at all.

Katsuki has his hand around Izuku...simply holding there.

Again, because the angle is awkward, it's kind of messy, but you get the point.

It's all simply beautiful. Horikoshi clean likes give me life.

And lastly. The actual cover.

I screeched so hard when I saw this. My first instinct when seeing this for the first time was to straight up go trigger happy fingers and write about it to my friends. Christ.

Everything is so...SOft. horikoshi made a good decision by mixing both previous drawings in one. We have parts of the two covers in one, which is amazing. In this one, Katsuki isnt alone, as Izuku's there too. But we dont have the audience either. Probably because the main focus on this panel is no one else except them two.

Again, Katsuki looks like he's bowing, but instead of looking all the way down, he's in the middle. Not looking at Izuku nor looking at the ground, like it shows in the previous covers. Instead, Horikoshi found a middle ground. He's looking at his hand. At the gesture.

Hes not holding hands quite yet, but his hand is there. At arms reach. Not close enough but there. Wanting.

Theres so much regret and again, softness.

Again, like you Op said a bit bad, the angle is off here. This is present Katsuki remembering his past. The angle is off because this Izuku isnt holding out for our Katsuki. This is a memory. A wish. Katsuki's wish.

(Ps. Izukus trousers drenched in the rivers water. This detail was so nice. It's a subtle action that describes Izukus characterization so much. Izuku went in the river with Katsuki in mind, not caring if he got his clothes soaked in the process too. For Izuku, only Katsuki was there. And for Katsuki, only Izuku is.

As a plus, I can't believe the cover of this is literally called Bakugou Katsuki rising. They named the entire thing after that one chapter. Actually, I very much, totally believe it. It's the moment so many people have been waiting for, after all. The moment so many scenes have been amounting for, little by little.

*dreamy sigh*

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this little thing, I had to get it out of my system and dont want to bother my dear friends anymore than needed.

Have a good day, OP! I'll stay updated!

You kinda just...took my heart and curb stomped it, not gonna lie. Your observations are so beautiful and so accurate. The sketch with little Bakugou taking Izuku’s hand is so...raw, and yeah, that expression is definitely one of love. Those eyes, the way he is HOLDING Izuku’s hand, not TAKING it. He isn’t taking it to stand up, he is literally just...holding it. 

That isn’t the way you take someone’s hand when you’re trying to pull yourself up. It’s an awkward angle and just...wouldn’t work right. No, he is literally just holding his hand, and that’s exactly what Bakugou wishes he did all that time ago. He wishes that he not only took Deku’s hand, but held onto it. Held it as if it were something precious, something to be cared for and protected. 

These are Bakugou’s true feelings expressed in these drawings, and I think Horikoshi released them on purpose, to show us more of what he wanted Bakugou to be feelings through all of this. Since after all, we know that Bakugou expresses himself in action, not so much words. And because Horikoshi is an absolute genius, he thought to give us these other glimpses in how he feels through these actions. 

And the other sketch with him bowing his body to Izuku, and the way the log looks like it’s on his back with his ‘friends’ on top of it. 

The pressure of needing to be the coolest, the strongest, the best. Those kids put that kind of pressure on him, even if they never realized it. They encouraged his behavior and fed his ego, and it never allowed him to see how he was wrong. But now he is realizing it, and he is bowing himself in light of that acknowledgement. He is lowering his head and putting his pride away, so he can get back what he lost all those years ago; the opportunity to take Izuku’s hand.

To take the hand of the only one of those kids that ever loved him unconditionally. Who never pressured him or expected him to be invincible. Who saw all of his flaws and was completely prepared to support him despite all of it. The only one. 

I’m just a mess over all of this, and I am so incredibly thankful to Horikoshi for creating this beautiful relationship. AND IN A SHOUNEN MANGA, NONETHELESS!!  

Thank you friend, for your beautiful thoughts. I think they’re spot on, and I am so emotional all over again because of this. 

[theultimatenonbinarynerd]

Choked In Confusion

Tw: Self Harm Mention, Heavy Angst, Self Loathing. Hurt/Comfort

This was the first-ever sander sides fanfic I ever wrote.

Roman was a mess, he had bruises all over his arm from hitting himself and red eyes showing that he'd been crying for a while. The creative side sat on his desk, he knew he had to take off his mask and write his feelings down. Patton had broken his heart he didn't know what the moral side wanted from him anymore. Logan always hid his feelings too. So he decided to pull off his mask in a more creative way. A monologue, he knew that would suit him a least he thought it would.

Roman conjured his feather pen and began writing his emotions. He wrote like he was running out of time. All the emotions came, he knew the others would scold him for feeling that way but he didn't care anymore there was no point in being what people wanted him to be. Anger, Regret, Sadness, Confusion and Insecure.  A knock broke him from reality, he knew it was Patton, probably wanting to scold him for laughing at Janus's name. He still kept his mask off as he knew it was time to give Patton and the others the wake-up call they needed. The King was everything they loved but then they split him and tried to create a creativity without flaws.

"Hey Kiddo, it's me, Patton can I come in?"

"Fine but not for long?!"

"Kiddo we-"

"I'm fine I have ways of getting my emotions, I honestly can't your first instinct is to come crawling back to me when you and I ignored every word Logan had to say."

"What doe-"

"He obviously feels unwanted and not listened to. Especially since he made his facts optionally. I mean I stood there and let you skip him. Me I'm probably the one out of all of us who drove him to hide and lie about his feelings."

"That's not we-"

"Right, you totally do, ever since the others started to desire being listened to you shut me and Logan out."

"That's not tru-"

"It is Thomas has the right to listen to all of us and not shun us. Go see Logan, please. Janus can apologize-"

"Roman you shouldn't have made fun of his name."

"I know! I'm an idiot I hate myself and screw up, when I make a mistake it's spat in my face but when you guys act rude nobody calls you out on your behaviour."

"Roman, kiddo aren't you over-"

"Overreacting! Patton, I have the write to express how I really feel and not have it brushed off, same for Logan."

"Alright, I'll go see Logan. I'll leave these cookies for you here but please understand we do love-"

Roman felt bad for rudely slamming the door in Patton's face but he didn't deserve comfort he just wanted to scream till he couldn't speak and then put on his crumbling mask as if everything was ok again. He thought by sending Patton to Logan he'd be doing something right for once. Roman nibbled one of the cookies and got back to writing his monologue.

After a few more minutes of writing down his feelings, Roman cleared his throat. This certainly was going to be a heartbreaking performance, deep down however he just wished someone would watch him and acknowledge his mental health struggles.

Lost I feel lost, from the day I was born I have felt nothing but lost. I feel like a statue that has to be perfect otherwise they're just filthy and an old rusting relic never meant to be touched. I am strangled by vines of expectations. Apparently, I was created to be flawless but im more than just a figment, im- actually I don't think I really know who I am anymore at all. 

Anger!

My voice feels like a cold weapon wanting to lash out when everything feels too much and when everything gets other whelming. I fire away but I can't stop myself, I am a flame of passion desperate to not die out. Life feels like thunder I want to strike and harm someone to cope but it's wrong. Justice, I get karma but the others never get it whenever they insult people and act mean.

Regret!

I'm fighting the urge to cut my throat and slice it till I can no longer speak. I feel so vulnerable myself so of course, I'm stupid enough to mock someone else in a vulnerable moment. A name defines who are you and what you stand for. I feel like I should be nameless. I hate myself so illogically I project my feelings out to someone else via name-calling. Me, I try to get better but I only seem to get worse. If I could turn back time I would stay silent and bluntly accept the truth that the world isn't black and white. My only wish is to take all those cruel worse and project them onto myself.

Sadness and Betrayal!

I feel helpless like I should have never ever been creative. Am I really that pathetic that the storybook ended sadly? Am I a hero! No, I'm nobody's hero everyone I've ever cared about have been pushed away by stupid egotistical self. My darling brother isn't evil he's better than me! He deserves my seat at the table. Janus is correct I'm a piece of trash that can be replaced it's not like there's two creativity's after all. Nobody has ever been on my side.

Confusion!

When was the last time I had an idea that was actually helpful? Even Thomas's fans think I'm useless and annoying. Back in the courtroom, I was scolded by Virgil and Patton for siding with the bad guy, the snake. I wanted to understand De-Janus especially since the others pointed out that I never treated Virgil with kindness. But no I'm wrong for giving Janus a chance, have I ever been right? Patton always gets what he wants and giving up that call back felt like I was having my petals picked off.  Then he decides to do a one-eighty and tells me I'm wrong for being the selfless Prince. Also, im supposed to trust the snake after being told he manipulated me and used me to get what I wanted. I was wrong to label the others dark. The truth im the bad guy, not the one who's being used as a puppet. Grey, I've never liked the colour but it appears I must get use to it.

Insecure!

I am the fanciful side, the ego, the passion, the good creativity. They we're wrong I'm a mirror cracked. I never ever should have been crowned the Prince. I'm not royalty I'm an earthquake bringing destruction everywhere I go. 

Janus was right I should have been crowned the Duke! I'm rude, bratty and pathetic. My fist reels, desperate to punch every single mirror I come across. I am broken! Who am I?

I'm an idiot choking on the confusion I feel.

A loud applause made Roman flinch, his brother was sitting on his bed, full of tears. He never expected his brother to be here especially since Remus had been told he's just like his twin. Warm arms wrap around him pulling him into a tight hug. Roman did not expect this he really thought his brother hated him.

"Oh, Ro-Ro, fate time hasn't treated you kindly. Part of me wishes I didn't knock you out."

"You did right you gave Logan his time to shine."

"Ro, Janus was wrong and even if have to skin all of his scales off to make sure he apologizes to you. I'll do whatever it takes."

"Thanks, bro but that won't help, I honestly feel bad for you, now you're stuck with Orange and we know he isn't a nice side to hang out with."

"I don't care at least I'm not stuck with a bunch of losers who ignore every single time you try to say you need help. Janus is a jerk, heck they're all selfish jerks."

"Remus I know I was wrong for labelling you guys the dark sides and us the light sides. We're all flawed but it's just too hard to accept."

"You know what you need?"

"What?"

"I think you need a job where you're allowed to be yourself and not strangely by people's expectations.

Ever since they've wanted us to be black and white but we're not."

"Wait bro are you proposing that I take your place?!"

"Yes I'm proposing I take your job and you take mine. Join me I'm not gonna let them bruise my self-esteem and confidence as they have done yours. Join me, let's work together and show these sides that we will no longer be controlled by their words. So are you with me or are you gonna sit here and stay silent. All I know is that you shouldn't go speechless."

"Nice Disney reference and I accept Its about time I crumble my mask! Thank you, bro I'm glad someone loves me."

"You've always been my hero."

The twins held hands and a bright flash accrued. It was about time the brothers worked together and stick together. Nobody was ever gonna separate them again.

Tagged: @full-of-roman-angst-trash @romanangstismyfuel @sandersidesfics @sandersidesfanders @romanvirgil @roman-sanders-appreciation-blog @romanocheesy @princemesscharming @lowkey-logan @misconceivedcapricorn @pwinceyroman @royalprinceroman

[throwing-summers-at-the-walls]

Hi, i hope you are feeling good! Im better than yesterday so i can finally answer you. First of all: i am so happy that you shared your fanfiction! i had a great time reading it! Im always open for more recs. Maybe your all time favorites? Or if you know some good h/c these are always welcome :) And YESSS please send me a link to your fanvids. -- yeah 13rw was super cursed. haha i also watched season 1 but thankfully i was able to sto watching becaue i could feel it making me feel bad (1)

I agree the suicide scene was just cringe (but i think i remember reading somewhere that they cut it out? idk) and overall this show just gave me the feeling that there was no hope and things are always getting worse instead of better and i hated that. but enough of that cursed show. can i just say i really admire how open you are about your feelings (like being suicidal and that) i realy, really admire this about you. i have so much respect for you that you can just share your feelings here (2)

I have never heard of ace attorney but that story you described sounds really good. and i get reading sth that isnt good for you and still doing it (because im a dumb bitch too :D) -- okay i might accept that Root will never grow on you (but i thought so too and look at me now :D) but i havent fully given up yet :)-- yes thats the girl. i think it was really sweet when she said that to Shaw. and i think Shaw appreciated it that someone tried to figure her out instead of just writting her off (3)

Shaw is really cool and definately also a badass and in combination with John its just great! but you will have to suffer trough some Shoot.  but maybe, maybe you will end up not hating Root. hope dies last (idk how the saying goes in english, sorry). -- Did you ever ship Caresse (in a romantic way)? cause sometimes i do and sometimes i dont and i get so confused about it :) but i think most of the time i like them more as friends. anyway her death really sucked and you are right with (4)

her death and them losing the library it felt like a different show (i mean i guess it was a different show then). i kinda get your feelings about the destroyed library because i also really loved it (and im really bad with change) but i dont think it affected me as much as you. but yeah i still missed the library very much. and while the subway is a really cool new place its not the same. (also the subway is super dark cause its underground and idk it just makes the whole thing less homey) (5)

Yes he is everything! such a great, interesting character and i wish there were more John-centric episodes! (like ones that explored his character more). that was one of my biggest dislikes of the later seasons that John wasnt featured as much anymore. i think he chuckled a few times in the show but a real laugh? i cant remember one :(  -- He did promise Joss to talk to Tyler so @show were is that talk? -- if seen the vid its awesome! thehiddenmemory has some great poi vids! (6)

yes i think so too. Like Grace would probably be relived and thankful that Harold is still alive and maybe they would even try again but eventually she would figure out that she cant trust him after lying to him for so long or sth like that and Harold would ofc realize that he is in love with someone else now. And then he finds out that John is still alive but stayed away cause he didnt want to get in the way of Harold/Grace. But then Harold comes back. And when they meet again John is like (7)

you came back for the machine? what about Grace. But Harold tells him he came back for John not the machine and then they kiss and have a happy live with Bear (sorry i got a little carried away here :D). -- Yeah Zoe is really hot and she needed more screen time! -- i hope you have a good day and i hope i havent messed up the numbers on the asks! :)

Hi ! I'm finally free from the resits, I hope you're doing okay with your thesis 💛

Sorry for replying late, there was the exam resits, and I read a bunch of fics, then I fell into pokémon and started bingewatching it. (Also I had a breakdown during therapy today so I'm gonna finish writing my answer to distract myself - it's been sitting in my drafts for so long rip)

Thank you !! It was a very personal thing, I'm really happy you liked it !! Your support and your comment made me thrive 💛💛

Tbh I was surprised to see it get kudos given that the only intended audience was my self projecting ass 🤣

So, my fav fics (my fav fic ever is in French, rip to y'all bc it's so good):

I am, I am, I am by RavenWhitecastle

Actually check the entire series this work belongs to: The Sinner and the Saint. I haven't finished it yet but I love it (I just skipped the explicit fics bc I don't like smut or sub!John)

Breaking All The Rules by talkingtothesky

Outsider Perspective by Neery

A Really Private Person by astolat

Hamartia (the hero's fatal flaw) by astolat

If Only for Tonight by spacemutineer

From Here, Where? by AKMars

Stroll by TheaNishimori

and the world was gone by lunarcorvid

a light that never goes out by vindicatedtruth

Limitations. by Michaelssw0rd

Reel you in and spit you out by Michaelssw0rd

All I Want For Christmas Is You by richmahogany

By What Power I Am Made Bold by brinnanza

Aftershocks by darringtons

At Certain Hours It All Breaks Down by nogoaway

construction of a kingdom by the_ragnarok

You Take Me Higher Than I've Gone by talkingtothesky

All Together Now by beadedslipper

I'll Let the Waters Still by brinnanza

Birthday Tradition by talkingtothesky

Things My Father Taught Me by KRyn

Truth is in the Eye of the Beholder by infiniteeight

Better Luck This Time by Lisztful

Motivations by JenNova

What's On the Table by cortue

In Another Life by Della19

I Thought We Already Were by talkingtothesky

Misunderstandings by thisstarvingartist

This is already fucking long omg so for the h/c: my bookmarks filtered with Rinch and h/c

Here's my playlist, it's mostly Rinch, but there are a few not Rinch vids, plus some scenes I like

This is long enough already, so it's time for a read more. Also, warning, we be talking about suicide

The portrayal of suicide is cringe most of the time anyway. If my suicidal ass can find a list of suicide methods and their lethality in 2 mins on Google you'd think writers who are supposed to do some research would be able to find them too but no they're like "ah yes slicing wrists" even though it's literally the shittiest method 🙄 (I just don't understand why slicing wrists seems to be such a popular method in the collective imagination ? It's weird.) At least in 13rw she took aspirin and cut herself vertically instead of horizontally but still, no hesitation wounds, and she dies even though she only got 4 wounds iirc ? I know more about jumping off bridges than slicing wrists, but it kinda sounds like bullshit to me. Also Netflix once suggested "beyond the reasons" to me, it's a sort of discussion with the cast and crew of 13rw and the only thing I remember is a moment of intellectual masturbation abt how they "opened a discussion abt suicide" 😬😬😬

They may have cut it out it's not impossible, idk I didn't hear about it, but it's not like I look for info about this dumpster fire lol. Maybe they faced backlash ? Wouldn't be surprised given how shit the show was. And yeah it has a hopeless vibe, I mean that's how it be when you're suicidal, but I didn't like it either.

You're sweet 💜💜 it's interesting that you find it respectable or admirable, I don't have an external point of view, so I'm just like 🤷 it is what it is. I understand where you're coming from though, I guess it's still quite a taboo subject, and suicidal people don't always feel comfortable talking about it, so me throwing around that I jumped off a bridge must be surprising. I'm detached enough from my suicide attempt that I'm able to talk about it without much of a problem, and I'm not really suicidal anymore.

Dumb bitches unite 👏👏👏 we be out there reading shit we shouldn't read

Yeah I think it's nice how the show didn't portray Shaw as a bad person for not having "normal feelings". Well, hope makes one live as we say in French (idk the English saying either lol) but don't hold much hope about me liking Root lmao

I used to ship careese bc they kissed in the crossing, but then I read some Rinch fics and I just ended up falling into it to the point where I stopped caring about careese. Now I think their relationship works better as a friendship.

Yeah all that change really puts me off... It just gives me "bad spin-off" vibes. Especially since there is less John :( and less Rinch :((((

Lmao yeah I just have a lot of feelings about early poi hgkfglrk. Also :/ I'm sad about the subway being less homey pls I just want happiness ?? I swear this show destroys my heart on top of owning my last braincell (brb changing my blog title to this lmao)

Mood I need all the John-centric eps, give me m o r e characterization and development and backstory and feelings hhhhhhh. I love him so much I just wanna spend more time with him. And that's what fics are for ! Yeah thehiddenmemory is so talented ! Astolat made some good ones too, on top of writing really good fics ! (Our fandom has been blessed with the presence of one of the ao3 founders hell yeah)

Also, remember how we talked abt the poi subreddit ? The other day I left a comment on there, wild I know. It wasn't a discussion about the last seasons though, I'm not crazy, it was about the impact poi had in our lives so I said it literally taught me English. Who knows maybe sometimes I'll comment again lol. I just don't wanna meet one of those people who prefer late poi over early poi.

Allow me to uuuuh write something based on what you said. Don't ask me how John survived with no major injuries, my man got that Thick Plot Armor alright. Hope you appreciate me getting carried away sjdkdksk it's kinda rushed and the first part isn't that good bc idk how to write Grace I'm just here for that sweet sweet Rinch stuff

Harold is eating breakfast with Grace in her kitchen – he can't think of her home as his home – when his phone vibrates. It's a text from the machine. It's a surprise, she barely contacted him since... He blocks the thoughts and the images coming to his mind. The machine sent him a picture. When he opens it, his heart misses a beat. Right here on his screen is a silhouette he thought he would never see again. His phone vibrates again. Another picture, this time it's unmistakably John, wearing his signature suit, Bear next to him. Transfixed, he stares at his phone until he feels Grace gently touching his arm. She goes straight to the point.

"Is it John ?" He looks up in confusion, but before he can say anything, she adds, "I hear you call him in your sleep every night."

"It's him, yes." He doesn't want to explain. He only wants to see John, to touch him, to tell him how much he loves him.

"You should go back to him. I like you, Harold. I am deeply relieved to see you alive. But I've been thinking, and... It's not working. This, us... You aren't really the man I fell in love with, the man I grieved... I can't trust you anymore." She doesn't say 'You lied to me' but Harold hears it all the same.

~

Harold sits on their bench. The machine indicated John often comes here. Soon enough, his arms are full of Bear, and John is standing in front of him.

"John. How are you ?" he asks when Bear finally calms down.

"Busy. And you ?"

Harold eyes him suspiciously – John once said he was busy when he was bleeding and way too close to death – but he seems to be well.

"I'm fine." He doesn't have time for awkward small talk." I thought you were dead. Why didn't you contact me ?"

"The machine told me you were with Grace. I thought you wanted to come back to your previous life. I didn't want to crash into it and ruin what you had."

Harold wants to be angry at him, but he understands. He did the same with Grace.

"You would never ruin anything. Besides, my relationship with Grace... didn't survive my lies. She's very dear to my heart, but she's a part of my previous life, as you said."

"So you came back for the machine, and the numbers, like the good old times ?"

Harold gets up from the bench.

"I came back for you. You are an important part of my life. The most important part."

John smiles, finally. He takes a step towards Harold, they're so close they could kiss. Harold reaches out, grips his shirt and slowly inches closer. He's still afraid of being rejected but John wraps his arm around him and kisses him. The kiss is over too soon. John's smile is even wider when they part.

"You're the most important part of my life too," he says before kissing Harold again. "You will stay ?"

"Always."

Damn I live for sappy Rinch stuff.

Bitches decided that Harold saying "always" is peak Rinch. It's me I'm bitches.

Also ofc I had to make a reference to number crunch, who do you think I am

Anyway. I hope you have a good day ! 💛

[therewas-a-girl]

I was watching s1 of Arrow, bc it's on Netflix here (FINALLY) and... what happened to Laurel? She was so good in s1. WHAT WENT WRONG AFTER S1???????

Short answer - the writers think women are interchangeable, not really deserving to be treated as people and, really its easier to replace them (with the added bonus of the story they can squish out of their gruesome deaths), than say, spend brainpower to write them as humans, and allow the audience to built connections and empathy with them… and not just the whoever they are there to prop up. 

long answer… is longer, and a mess:

one of the ideas i have - one of them - is that, the whole idea behind the end of season one was that tommy’s death would affect both oliver and laurel. oliver by getting him not to kill anymore and laurel by being the ‘tragedy/loss/pain’ that would push her into becoming the Black Canary. 

(this is my intuition just from the way their journey was going, like, by following the narrative etc, and by knowing how these writers think, a little. like, what to them is the birth of a hero: death, loss tragedy. it bores me, generally, sure, but i know it when i see it.) 

i dont know what happened, but they seemed to change their minds - maybe halfway. or after s1 ended?… idk. and started casting calls for the Canary. tore laurel down to the freaking bone - and used her character to prop other characters, general at the expense of her development. or rather, her opportunities to bond the audience with her, build sympathy for her. because all those opportunities were used to build sympathy for whoever she was facing against.

(seriously, they gave laurel in s2 some emotional reactions to stuff that are so far from human emotions, i can hardly conceive of it. and im not talking about her cleaving at sara or oliver by the way. i think she had all the right in the world to feel all the rage in the world. im talking about how all her emotional reactions were framed as wrong/bad/over the top! as opportunities for oliver to act like a self righteous dick, his behavior framed by the story as ‘right’ and ‘just’. 

(i will never be over the fact that he said, to her face and utterly unironically, ‘i am still standing here, i have loved you half my life but im done running after you’ like it was an accusation, while she, and everyone else, had just found out - in laurels own home… at a dinner he was not invited to… - that he and sara were boning. like… “im fucking your sister, dropping you neck deep into the shit that is one of the most gruesome deja vu experiences in the history of ever, but how dare you be angry, you dont know whats happening in my life right now!!!! that’s obviously more important than YOUR feeling!!!”   meanwhile, im standing here o_O ???? is this walking dick foreal????), 

laurel framed as selfish? opportunity for her to apologize to sara instead of, idk, both of them forgiving each other for the fucked up things they did to each other???

[lmao i still laugh my ass off at how, in needing to frame sara less negatively for the whole ‘sleeping with her sister’s boyfriend’ thing - a gross device they used in s1 to to build sympathy for laurel; the writers did a whole ‘i saw oliver first’ thing with her, like that somehow means sara ‘planted the flag on him’ and that means something??? or gave her some sort of ‘get out of jail free card’ that essentially turned LAUREL in the boyfriend-thieving sister. LMFAO  how the tables turned!!! 

one of the most gross things arrow has done is the relationship between sara and laurel and the way they were pitted against each other - with oliver at the center. and im not saying that’s how i think of it - i like to think their issues went deeper and had fuckall to do with oliver’s dick, but that’s how the show framed it]. 

like, if there were scales, laurel would always be put on the lower one - you could tell they didnt respect her character much, because they always sacrificed it to make someone else look better. using laurel as the ‘bad guy’ to buy empathy/sympathy for some other character?) 

so, what went wrong? 

im fucked if i know. 

maybe nothing. plenty of people love laurel the way she is. including me: beautifully fucked up and flawed and, this is my idea, angry as fuck but still good. or trying to be. or maybe this is my version of laurel. as i have a version of all the characters i love - essentially everyone on the show, with the notable  exception of merlyn. 

maybe s2 was meant to be laurel’s ‘island’ - because according to arrow thats the only way to birth heroes. 

fake, that sounds. but okay. 

or maybe they thought nobody liked laurel and she wouldn’t work as the black canary anyway. so her replacement was premeditate, her journey, as some say, only a fulfillment of contractual obligations towards katie. 

or maybe the s2 journey/breakdown had been planned from the beginning?  

i don’t know. 

whatever the answer is, the result is still ??? and fucking stupid.

because the mantel was passed on from sara to laurel. sara gave laurel the proverbial jacket and went on her own way, without harm. having made up with her family, having gained her freedom (and then compromised it), having made up with her sister, redeemed herself in her own eyes and in the eyes of those she loved and who loved her. having started to see herself as a hero, and believe , finally , that she was one. or could be. 

regardless of the reason for sara’s existence, sara was and IS beautiful and so is her journey, because to me, hers is a journey of homecoming and hope.  

BUT - in s3 they killed sara regardless ??? 

even though the ‘hero mantel’ had been already passed…. and here is where i get utterly lost because, why? i dont know. i honest to god dont know.  these people put two canaries on our screen but couldn’t keep them there? neither one can live while the other one survives, apparently? there was absolutely no need for sara to die - and the shameful way she did die - NOW THAT’S WHERE I START GAINING INSIGHT - because it exposes the true nature of the writer’s hypocrisy and reasons: a woman who said the iconic line ‘no woman should suffer at the hands of men’ was murdered by a girl being controlled by a man to get TO another man, while sara was shoved into a trashcan and then a literal fridge.

this ^ is where it starts to get transparent.

like, maybe they didn’t try so hard with laurel because, they don’t try that hard with women in the arrowverse in general. 

maybe, they didn’t really know how to write laurel like a person, out of the archetype she was built to be. a woman written by and FOR the kind of people that think its important to give her stuffed bras to puff up her breasts does not bode well for her future.

i would however like to take a moment to point out the fucking hypocrisy of them reinforcing, in dinah, this whole ‘defender of women’ thing that they had going with sara AFTER WHAT THEY DID TO SARA ^^^ !!! they are trying so fucking hard to copy paste the traits of the ‘successful canary’ (whom they still killed) onto dinah, (perhaps even as a way to distance her from the ‘unsuccessful canary’) – but every time dinah says something like that, i cant help but be reminded of sara and what these same writers did to her AND HOW HYPOCRITICAL THAT MAKES HER LINES SOUND, KNOWING WHERE THEY COME FROM. like, generally the reaction i have is  -

WITH YOUR FUCKING VILLAIN MUSTACHE! 

I SEE YOU!

ps: i do not like the trend i notice that heroines are more easily accepted as heroines in arrow, when they mirror Oliver’s journey to heroism.  sara did; then her latest reincarnation - dinah - mirrored sara’s. (they tried to do it with Laurel, Felicity. in a kind of way even with diggle - though that might be a stretch)  it’s one of the reasons, i think, that sara and dinah are more successful with the fandom? they fit the mold more easily. easier to box in, pin down. their reasons, internal pushes, are easier to grasp - because they mirror the hero’s. and the hero gets plenty of exposition, and we are also basically programmed to empathize with him.

while its seems harder for people to accept that other kinds of journeys for women - not because it is harder, but because then they’d have to figure out the internal workings of these women who are DIFFERENT from the hero. people would have to really THINK about it, and generally, i find that’s not a natural inclination , when it comes to the internal worlds of people who are not the white male (presented as straight despite various queer!baiting flags) hero. 

There are other forms of journeys, motives - that would be just as brilliant as Oliver’s - or generally the ‘tragedy-born’ hero’s. And that would fit the personality of the characters better, individualize them more, make them stand out on their own. Like Laurel’s need to do good, her disappointment with the system and want to fix it, keeping a different moral code from the others. Felicity’s plain need to make an impact, do something with her life, just because. No need for ‘dark arcs’ cause that’s just how she was born as. 

But that’s a journey that would require energy to absorb, something one would have to figure out for themselves, whole watching, oftentimes even making it up, imagining it. and yeah, most ppl just dont bother.