#i would wish you a speedy emotional recovery but if its anything like mine

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

@blogcloudpuff-blog Like. How does a single person recover from being inundated with so much tenderness, shocked glee, and tasteful eroticism. This is my Pride and Prejudice.

Some mild spoilers as I gush about the loveliest man in the world:

The domesticity. The easy comfort between them, the poking fun and messing around. The way he loves being a silly little party man but the second MC asks him to go on a picnic with her because "uwu I want to spend time with you alone 🥺💜" he just yeets his party hat in seconds.

The way he's so openly astonished that someone would do something sweet on his behalf because they really want to I'm chewing glass. The hilarity of him being like "younger me would be clutching his pearls. Do You Even Care." The way I cry a little that he lowkey feels so much pressure to perform to be loved, but he joyfully accepts MC taking the lead and allows himself this surrender.

MC scolding him with no real heat when he's just being a happy little menace. Telling him "Don't worry I'll be gentle" like it's nothing and just moving on with her day. (THE CULTURAL. I M P A C T--) Him legit somehow not elaborating on that and instead thinking "I'm having a wonderful time also my wife is beautiful and very pretty and so talented, Sebastian I'm stealing your job."

Sebastian in the bg: oNLY WAR

Comte just listening to her talk about everything in the city so fondly, but also the double-edged part of it that makes him feel left behind to see her grow in leaps and bounds. MC noticing the moment he starts to feel out of place immediately, despite Comte's quick cover up. How MC was nervous about boring him with something simple.

The way her little gestures, her patience, her always meeting him halfway mean the entire world to him. The way he stops feeling out of place and isolated, because she always brings him along at her pace--never leaving him behind (just as he does the same for her). How he's floored by that basic reciprocity. How so much of love and being a couple of any kind is about the basic human desire to have a hand in yours, the promise that someone will be there. The promise that everything will be okay, and if it isn't, I have someone to love in the meantime.

THIS ENTIRE BIT. NO I WILL NOT SUMMARIZE BC NO WORDS CAN ENCOMPASS THE WAY EACH LINE MOVED MY HEART. SHAKING, CRYING, ETC:

The way he admires her strength without equivocation, the way he thinks her capacity to take the lead is beautiful. The first person he ever wanted to bite for love, and love alone.

Comte: (It's not enough...I want more. I could drown in you and never quench this thirst.)...For one beautiful moment, it felt as if nothing separated us at all.

What if I steered this train off a cliff--

Comte saying at least like seven different times throughout this whole thing that MC is so bright (SUN AND MOON COUPLE I'M SHAKING THE BARS OF MY CAGE. TIMELESS. PERFECTLY BALANCED. INEXTRICABLY LINKED. SYNERGISTIC SYZYGY.)

Comte not biting her in the end, but going to sleep dreaming of it blissfully.

The title, First Time in Forever. The implications. The imp.li.ca.tions. stares into my drink

Aight so like just a Normal Question for everyone. How are we feeling after the new Comte Bday story release in English because I can safely say:

[babylon-bitch]

Just Friends ~ Until We Die; Together (part 50)

A/N: I love this gif, and it’s perfect for this chapter because it’s looking back on memories

Harper White is best friends with Luke Hemmings, they always have been. Not only is she friends with the rockstar, but with the rest of 5 Seconds Of Summer, as well as a really nice girl named Erika.

Harper has a few secrets, she can play all the instruments the boys play and many more. It’s a talent she has kept hidden, only very few people know.

What will happen to the six teens, wondering around the world together?

Warnings: mentions of suicide, language, and a load of sadness

***

Dr Melvin leads us through the halls that will always give me goosebumps. After lots of turns, going on different floors, we finally end up outside of her door, a curtain on the window of her door is separating us from seeing her.

“I advise that one person goes in at a time.” He says.

“Okay.” Sarah nods and we all look at each other.

“Who’s going in first?” Erika asks.

“Luke?” Sarah offers.

“Uh, sure.” I say.

Dr Melvin gestures for me to go in, and I take a big inhale, before turning the handle and keeping my head down, not daring to look at her just yet, closing the door behind me. I close my eyes and hesitantly turn around, once I finally open up eyes again, my breathing hitches.

“Baby.” I whisper, taking her all in.

Loads of wires connecting machines surrounding her, her arms all bandaged up, some slight bruising on her jaw, half of the left side of her head is all shaved and and several stitches have replaced it. That’s all I can see as of right now.

I make my way to sit on the chair next to her bed, gingerly holding her hand, being careful of her broken fingers.

“I just wanna say I didn’t mean what I said, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, so to tell you that I regret dating you would be a complete lie. I caused all this mess between us, you can’t take the blame at all.”

I stare at our hands, how they look and feel so right together. Although I can’t help but feel a bit of guilt and hurt, because if she was awake and well, she’d pull her hand away in a heartbeat, whether that’s because she doesn’t want to see me again and hates me or it just hurts too much and can’t handle the heartbreak.

“How did it end up like this?”

It kills me everyday to think- no, to know I caused all her hurt. As far as I can tell, she was as in love with me as I was in love with her, so she must be feeling the same way as I am.

Probably slightly differently though, you see, I’m drowning in regret and guilt, where she is probably suffering from heartbreak, but knowing Harper, she’s probably blaming herself too.

“I love you, baby girl.”

Pressing my lips to her middle knuckle and sigh, seeing a tear fall onto her hand and rolls down her arm until it meets her elbow and it drops onto the white sheets.

“I’m sorry.” I say and put her hand back down.

Wiping my tears away, and sorting myself out, I can’t stand to look at her anymore.

She looks so peaceful but in so much pain, physically and mentally.

Placing such a tender kiss on her forehead before glancing at her one more time, and making my towards the door.

“I guess sometimes things just don’t have a happy ending.” I whisper.

I open the door and step outside, closing the door behind me, I’m met with tired, worried, and sad eyes.

“How is she?” Calum is the first one to speak up.

“Go and look for yourself.” I say and purse my lips,

The image of her in that state is gonna scar and haunt me for life.

“Can I?” He asks.

“Sure.”

***

“How did Harper get hit?” Michael asks a professional.

“Faulty breaks, she just happend to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.” She says.

Wrong place at the wrong time because of me.

“How are the other people that were in the accident?” Erika asks the doctor.

“They’re in the same position as Harper, although the youngest that was in the back has been put in a medically induced coma. Unfortunately there isn’t much hope for the driver, thankfully the front passenger is doing okay so far, broke a couple bones, she has scraped by with the least amount of injuries.”

“We’ve actually got dash cam footage that people are looking at, to see what actually happened that night. It’s surprising that it survived the crash, because the car, well what’s left of it, was a complete wreck.” She admits.

“Really? When will they tell us about it?” Ashton asks.

“Yeah, uh, either today or tomorrow.” She answers and he nods.

It’s been a few days since Harper’s first been admitted to the hospital, we’ve all been here, some of us have gone home to sleep, and some of us have stayed.

I haven’t been by her side in the sense of being physically next to her, I’ve just been in the corner on the opposite side of the room, I only sit next to her when there is no one in the room.

Not because I give that seat up for other people, not because I don’t want to be here, not because I feel bad, there is no real reason.

I guess I just enjoy the quiet moments between us, because that’s the closest I’ll get to being where we were a couple months back. After the peaceful moment, I feel bad because I’m taking advantage of her, when if she was awake she’d run a mile away from me.

I haven’t gone home, I’ve stayed with her, and I’ll continue to until she wakes up. Whether she likes it or not.

I like to think she can hear me, only because I can say what I want, without her not listening to me or before she storms away. She can listen to my apologies, not just read them.

“Have you told Harp’s university?” I ask Sarah.

“Yeah, I called last night and they just wished her a speedy recovery and stuff like that.” She explains.

“Okay.” I nod.

“Is Harper going to wake up?” Maddie asks the Dr Melvin.

“It’s a high possibility, but you just don’t know, she had a very serious head injury. We don’t even know if she’s gonna be okay when she wakes up, she might not remember anything about the accident or she might remember every single detail.”

“When she wakes up, how long will it take for her to recover and get discharged and all that jazz?” Ashton asks.

“It depends how long she’s in the coma, all of her bones could heal and she’s okay, then she’d be in for a couple more days so we can watch her, but I doubt that will happen.” He explains.

“Ho-”

Erika gets interrupted by the professionals phone ringing.

“Hello? Mhmm. Okay. Right. Really? Oh my goodness. Okay, I’ll tell them now.”

She continues her call for another five minutes, before she ends and puts her phone back in her pocket, and we look at her expectantly.

“I’m not really sure how to say this, but, uh, it i-is believed that Harper tried to commit suicide.”

The room falls silent and everyone’s eyes widen, including mine, my heart pounds in my chest, and a whole load of different emotions run through me.

“Are you sure?” I ask, my voice all shaky.

“Yeah, um, people back at the department looked at the footage of the dash cam, and she just stood there facing the car until it hit her. I’m so sorry.” She says.

As soon as she says that, I can picture the scene, headlights coming at her, tires screeching, her emotionless eyes staring straight through the car, and she just stands there.

“She’s got a history of depression, correct?” Dr Melvin asks.

“Yeah, ever since she was 16.” Sarah answers.

“Is there anything that’s triggered this recently?” He asks and I just pretend to stare into space.

“I didn’t even know she was that bad. She recently broke up with her boyfriend, that’s the only thing I can think of.” Sarah answers.

“Were they serious?” He asks.

“Yeah, very.” She nods.

I glance at Harper for a moment, and every special moments, every small moments, all the kisses we’ve shared, every time we’ve fought, every time we’ve made up with a hug, which then procrastinate into other things.

It’s the little moments in life that matter, sure, the big moments are special and eventful, but the little chaste kisses she’d give me if she was leaving the room or I was talking too much, the tight hugs when I leave her house to go to mine that is just down the road, the way it feels so right hen we hold hands, whether its when we’re out and about, or we’re just chilling in bed. It’s the little things that make my day.

If you take life day by day, it’s those things that’ll make your day just the tiniest bit better.

The big events like actually getting together, moving in together, getting married, having kids, they will always be present and will put a smile on your face, but the small things in between those are the things that really get me.

“How long were they to-,”

I glance back at harper one more time before shaking my head and storming out the room.

Walking out the hospital doors, I make my way towards Boulevard View, a part of me is telling me I should go there and another part is telling me to not go.

After a while I reach the place where the accident took place, and I just stare, not actually believing that my childhood bestfriend, teenage bestfriend, and ex girlfriend, tried to commit suicide the other night, right here.

She was actually in that state of mind, and I, for the first time, didn’t have a clue.

Glancing at a stray piece of debris that’s been left, I glare at it and continue my walk to a place that holds so many memories.

Sitting down on the dusty ground, I rest my hands on my legs, fiddling with my bracelets.

Looking to the spot Harper would always sit, I’d always be on the left and she’d be on the right. There’s actually footprints of where she’s stood, if you look closely you can make out the shape of a hand print.

I miss holding her hand, sure, I hold it when she’s lying unconcious on a bed, but there’s no welcome feeling, we’re so close, yet she feels so far away.

I don’t know how I’d be able to live without this place, I may not go here as often as I used to anymore, but I still like to know it’s here. It’s like it’s sucking my problems out of me with its happy aura, this place has many purposes.

A place for some peace and quiet, to think about things, a place for me and Harper to hang out, it’s also a place in the middle of my problems, I’ll have a problem, I find my solution here, then I solve it.

There isn’t a problem right now, there’s just emotions, and I don’t know how to deal with them because I’ve never felt these in such a deep manner.

I just miss her, her presence in general, I haven’t felt happy since we broke up, I only feel happy once we’ve done a great show, and I’m coming down from the ten minute high after the show.

That isn’t enough time to concrete happiness in my day.

I can’t even imagine a future with someone else, I’ve always pictured her in my future, even since I was a kid, though when I was a kid I thought it’d be just friends, but I still pictured her with me till we die; together.

I don’t want a future with anybody else but her, if that means I die alone, then so be it, but I just need Harper in my life again, I miss the stupid silly texts we’d have daily, brushing shoulders when we’re standing still and I’m bored, the little smile that graces her face when she hears a specific album or one of her favourite songs comes on the radio.  

***

Inserting the key I haven’t used in ages, and walk in to the all too familiar house. Walking through until I reach the utility room, and I open the cupboards under the sink and take out a box, filled with pictures.

Holding the box in my arms, I walk up the stairs, and kick open her door, ignoring all the emotions and memories flooding my mind.

Taking a seat on the floor, placing the box next to me, I lean against her bed and shut my eyes, letting her familiar scent take over me, and a wave of comfort rushes over me.

Opening my eyes again, I rub them and glance at the pile of nostalgia.

If you couldn’t tell, I’m at Harper’s house, the night of the crash, she told me about these pictures, and I thought why not have a little bit of happiness for 15 minutes, then make my life even more sadder by realizing that those times don’t exist anymore.

Isn’t that sad?

To think I’m never gonna have the same relationship with Harper ever again.

Pulling out a single picture, I can’t remember when it was taken, and I can’t work out if we were dating or not at that time, but Harper and I are sitting on a deck chair, she is sitting on my lap, with my arms around her, she’s talking to someone who’s not in frame - probably one of the boys - with a smile on her face, I’m looking at her with a slight smirk and love filling my eyes, a fire is lighting it all up, giving it an orange tinge.  

“Fuck.” I whisper as a few tears fall.

Pulling my phone out, I go to her contact and scroll past the most recent texts, which are very one sided, and stop when I get to our last normal conversation.

Luke: hey  

Harper hi

Luke: when we have a child, can we name it Luke Jr?

Harper: wtf? No! More like Whiskers or Mr Fluffington

Luke: they’re cat names, babe

Harper: exactly

Luke: I hate you

Harper: right back at you, you little shit. You’re cute little shit though

Luke: isn’t it weird how the person you are gonna marry is out there living on this planet?

Harper: yeah, I guess

Luke: do you ever wonder what they’re doing?

Harper: no, I already know what he’s doing, texting me

Luke: awww, babe

Harper: he just went out, so now I’m texting you

Luke: …

Harper: jk, you’re the one for meeeeeee

Luke: love you xx  

Harper: you idiot, I love you too xx

Luke: I forgot to turn the oven on for my dinner, sometimes I think I’m an idiot

Harper: yeah, I do that a lot

Luke: forget to turn the oven on?

Harper: no, think you are an idiot

Luke: you’re so mean to me :(

Harper: you wanna go out as an apology and so you don’t have to cook?

Luke: sure, I’ll be over in a sec

Harper: you wanna eat what my mum made after?

Luke: what did she make?

Harper: me

She’s one of a kind that girl.

And I love her.

Even if we’re not together anymore.

And I’ll continue to love her, because I told her I’d never stop.

I pick the picture up and fold it a little until it fits into my wallet, placing my wallet back in my pocket. I put my face in my hands, and wonder how just one person can make me such a mess.

But I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else.

Because to get here, I had to make all these great memories, and those memories are with the one person I love the most.