#i would say the primary thing keeping me watching rn is all the hot people. you should never underestimate the power of hot people

[vivitalks]

i am honestly desperate for anyyy jane the Virgin fic at all lol if it's something you're interested in! not a very active fandom unfortunately

well if there's one thing about me it's that i love to write for small audiences in already-inactive fandoms! your interest has been logged anon

[gamerwoo]

Mingi: Child’s Play

Characters: Mingi x gender neutral reader (featuring ateez and skz)

Genre/warnings: werewolf au, angst

Word count: 1,652

Summary: Just because you’re Mingi’s mate doesn’t mean he doesn’t still see you as his rival.

a/n: so i saw this and i really just had to make werewolf!mingi, and also @dearmingki didn’t exactly tell me not to write this. but i also didn’t 100% have a solid plot in mind so uh if anybody thinks it sucks,,,,,u right jkdhfsd (since i’ve been asked so many times: please stop asking if I’ll make a part 2. if i do it, then i do it, but rn, i have zero inspo ok thank u)

Part Two

He’s hated you since you were kids. He wanted to be first to go down the slide in first grade, but you had beat him to it. So as you sat down on the slide, he shoved you down it, and you ended up skinning your knee when you fell on the ground. So then you hated him, too.

As you and Mingi got older, your hatred continued. It grew from stealing each others crayons to purposely hitting your shoulder against his in the hallway or him sticking his leg out to trip you in class. Even when you moved away when you were in your sophomore year of high school, you loathed Mingi. You’d still hear about him from your friends -- how handsome he’d gotten, how deep his voice was now -- but you’d just roll your eyes.

Then you heard that he had a massive growth spurt, and then ran away from home for a week. Nobody could find him until Kim Hongjoong pulled up to Mingi’s house with the boy in question in his passenger seat one Saturday morning. But you just scoffed and said, “he should’ve stayed gone”.

Mingi caught word of a similar story. All the neighboring towns and cities were buzzing about the missing 16-year-old who had supposedly run away from home. But seeing your most recent photo in the paper -- it was your school photo from your new school -- made him feel...indifferent. Part of him didn’t care if you were going through some rebellious phase where you ran away from home, but another part of him wondered if something bad had happened to you. Part of him wondered if -- and hoped, even -- you would even come home.

But he never heard if you did.

You had eventually returned home, but only after you got yourself under control. After your pulse had started to rapidly beat, your skin had gotten hot, and you watched as claws expanded out of your fingers, you had bolted out of your house and into the woods just to hide from your parents before they got home. But then you had shifted into some giant wolf as you were running, and you couldn’t figure out how to shift back. Could you even shift back? Or were you stuck like this forever?

You were lucky that a familiar face found you despite the fact you were deep in the forest, far away from home. Though, you wouldn’t find out until later that they found you because Chan sensed that there was somebody in his pack not too far from him.

“_____, it’s okay,” Changbin had tried to calm you down, being the first to find you after his pack went out and split up in search of the stray werewolf that turned out to be you. “You just have to calm down, and you can change back.”

But nobody could get you calm until Chan showed up. The alpha -- your alpha -- managed to coax you into changing back after calming you down, and then wrapping you in a blanket since you didn’t have any clothes. Then he brought you back to his apartment and let you borrow a pair of his sweatpants and a t-shirt so he could bring you home.

But that was years ago. You weren’t in high school anymore, and you were finally used to being a werewolf. You had moved in with Changbin and Hyunjin after you graduated, and your apartment was only a floor below Chan’s. All of your pack mates treated you like family, and you loved them dearly -- even if they did constantly get into mischief. But you didn’t think about stupid Song Mingi for years, and that was what mattered.

Until Chan called for a ‘pack meeting���...

“We’re forming this treaty with another pack,” he explained before he looked at you with an amused expression. “They’re actually located where _____ came from.”

“What?” you asked as your expression turned to confusion. There was a werewolf pack in your hometown?

“What do they need from us, though?” Minho wondered.

“Apparently some werewolf hunters have been hanging around the area, so they want our help if they ever attack,” the alpha elaborated, running a hand through his hair. “I figured a few of us could go for the weekend to scope things out; make the deal and whatnot. I assumed _____ would wanna go.”

You shrugged, a small smile tugging at the corner of your lips, “I haven’t really been home in a while...”

“I wanna go, too!” Felix smiled as he threw his hand into the air.

“Alright, so it’ll be me, Woojin, Felix, and _____,” Chan nodded.

“Who’s in charge while you’re gone?” Jisung wondered.

Chan just scoffed, “None of you. Just stay out of trouble.”

-

Being back home felt better than you thought it would. Everything was so familiar but just slightly different in ways you couldn’t place. But overall, it brought back a lot of nostalgia that had you faintly smiling non-stop. Your pack took notice of it, too, and thought it was adorable -- especially Felix who wouldn’t stop cooing at you.

“So who is this pack?” Woojin wondered as Chan drove the four of you to your destination to meet this pack for the first time. 

“I just know their alpha’s name is Hongjoong,” Chan replied, not really paying attention since he was trying to listen to the GPS.

Your eyes widened as you pushed yourself forward to physically interject yourself into the conversation, your hands on the driver and passenger seats, “Wait, Kim Hongjoong?”

Chan didn’t even look at you as he replied, “Yeah, why?”

“Ooh, is he one of your old friends?” Felix asked excitedly. “Do we get to meet your friends from home?”

“Not really,” you shrugged. “I knew of him but we were friends. He was friends with somebody else I knew.”

“So...friend of a friend?”

“Friend of an asshole,” you corrected with acid in your tone.

Your hatred for Mingi suddenly flooded back into you. You hadn’t thought of him in years, and now you were angry all over again.

The road Hongjoong lived on was familiar, but the house wasn’t. It was at the very end of a dead-end street that you’d never seen the end of. His house was secluded, but it still looked pretty cute. It looked like it would house a few more people than just him, though. 

The car parked in the driveway, and as the four of you got out, the front door to the house opened. Hongjoong led a whole pack out the door, smiling politely when he saw your alpha. You were only paying attention to Hongjoong because of his alpha aura that he radiated.

“Thank you for coming all this way,” he said with a smile. “We really appreciate-- Oh, _____! It’s been a really long time.”

You nodded, feeling a little awkward that one of Mingi’s friends knew and recognized you. You just hoped they weren’t still friends.

“Hey,” was all you really said.

“Wait,” a deep voice that sounded unfamiliar but also kind of familiar at the same time spoke up. It made your heart beat in a way you couldn’t explain, either; in a way it never had before, “_____?”

Through the small crowd of Hongjoong’s pack, Mingi pushed through. He definitely had gotten taller, and his voice had definitely gotten deeper. He also just looked more mature, but that wasn’t really your primary focus right now.

You just knew when you looked at Mingi that he was it. You’d heard what imprinted was supposed to feel like, but you didn’t know what it actually would be like, but you just knew. Despite the anger bubbling in you, you felt an intense love and care for your only archenemy, and it was all very confusing. Your gaze completely zeroed in on him, blocking out the rest of the world, so you didn’t see how your pack and his were looking at you, realizing what was happening.

But Mingi was going through the same thing, and he was the first to speak on it.

“Fuck,” he said plainly before he scoffed and shook his head. “No, this is-- No.”

“Wait, what’s going on?” Hongjoong wondered.

Mingi whipped around to face his alpha, pointing over at you, “That’s _____!”

“Like, the _____?” somebody from his pack chuckled. “Wow, fate must really hate you two.”

Chan looked at you curiously, “_____, who is that?”

As you opened your mouth to speak, Mingi interrupted with his stupid, big, loud mouth, “It doesn’t matter because you’re all leaving. We don’t need the help.”

“Mingi--” Hongjoong tried to scold him.

“I don’t want them around me!” Mingi stated, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You’ll die if they’re not,” one of his pack mates said in a quiet, monotone voice like they really didn’t care either way.

Honestly, neither did you.

Mingi’s golden eyes landed on you, realizing that he forgot about that bit. If a werewolf was denied their mate, they would slowly die. So he either had to put up with you or die. But you were in the same predicament, and dying didn’t seem too bad right now.

He growled lowly before he rolled his eyes and seemed to just accept his fate.

“Whatever,” he spat. “But stay away from me while you’re here. And if anything happens, I don’t want your help.”

“No problem,” you promised with a sarcastic smirk.

Mingi stormed back into the house while you stomped over to the car to wait in the backseat instead.

After the two of you left, Felix quietly said, “Twenty bucks says they end up absolutely in love by the end of this.”

San from Mingi’s pack laughed, not even bothering to keep his voice down, “I’ll bet twenty-five that they’re hate-fucking each other by Sunday.”

[humanitys-shortest]

✨Simself Tag!!✨

I was tagged by the lovely @shyysims to do the Simself Tag, so here we go with the 125 bloody questions! (I commend whoever came up with all of them, because that’s a lot of brain power that I do not possess.) But! I’m so excited to do this, so thank you so much shyysims!! (●´ω｀●)

I will tag @calsea-ger, @alienshootlove, @wolfy-drawsstuff, @hallucinosims and @stories4sims - of course, you don’t have too! Only if you wanna & have the spare time. :D

Rules: You have to make a simself and include whatever you wish (like traits or anything about you) Then answer the following questions!! (✿◠‿◠)

And heeeree weee go~

Traits: creative, coffee lover(I liked the icon bcuz I love warm drinks but I actually hate coffee dont sue me), geek, music lover, a photo album, geek, loner, hearts(cuz I’m full of love duh) and bookworm!

I also included my aspiration - to become a photographer. 

What is your full name? Charlotte

What is your nickname? Char, Lottie, and Petey!

Birthday? February 22nd

What is your favorite book series? ..Twilight..

Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? Yep!

Who is your favorite author? I wish I could say J.K Rolling but I’ll go with Stephenie Meyer cuz Twilight fueld my younger teenage years.

What is your favorite radio station? Heaven knows

What is your favorite flavor of anything? Wellllll s’kinda confusing! I love chocolate flavoured ice-cream but I can’t have chocolate flavoured crisps, can I? I’m just gonna go with chocolate. 🍫

What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? awesomeeee possssummmm

What is your current favorite song? Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine

What is your favorite word? coolio

What was the last song you listened to? Lisztomania by Phoenix 

What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Gotham!!

What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? The Amazing Spider-Man

Do you play video games? Yessiree

What is your biggest fear? Moths & heights

What is your best quality, in your opinion? my storytelling? I’m pretty proud of the ideas I come up with, if that means anything. xD

What is your worst quality, in your opinion? S’always overthinking everything.

Do you like cats or dogs better? kitty

What is your favorite season? Autumn & Winter - can’t chooseeee!!

Are you in a relationship? Yep :)

What is something you miss from your childhood? I relate with @shyysims’ last answer - friends, lmao.

Who is your best friend? My Amber

What is your eye color? Dark brown

What is your hair color? Dark brown

Who is someone you love? My boyf and my bestfriend

Who is someone you trust? The above :)

Who is someone you think about often? Jack Napier

Are you currently excited about/for something? AVENGERS INFINITY WAR TRAILER POSSIBLY DROPPING TOMORROW

What is your biggest obsession? rn, batjokes ofc!!

What was your favorite TV show as a child? Ed, Edd and Eddy & Rugratz. c:

Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? My s/o

Are you superstitious? kinda?

Do you have any unusual phobias? Not that I can think of? Ooh! I hate it when a single strand of hair lands on my skin or something. It freaks me out cuz it feels weird.

Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Behind. I take the photos, I ain’t in them :P

What is your favorite hobby? Writing! Followed by gaming!!

What was the last book you read? Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them (script)

What was the last movie you watched? Fantastic Beasts, The Crimes Of Grindelwald

What musical instruments do you play, if any? The triangle.

What is your favorite animal? Wolves! I also rlly rlly love deers and elephants.

What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? mellie, freddie-luthor, wolfy, elijah & smolbeanjoker :)

What superpower do you wish you had? The power of SELF DAMN CONFIDENCE

When and where do you feel most at peace? Anywhere my s/o is.

What makes you smile? Jack Napier :)

What sports do you play, if any? I used to really love playing basketball and cricket. S’been ages.

What is your favorite drink? Any kind of hot chocolate. :)

When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? October for my bestfriends birthday. :D

Are you afraid of heights? b o i 

What is your biggest pet peeve? Liars?

Have you ever been to a concert? Not with this anxiety I haven’t 

Are you vegan/vegetarian? No. but full respect to those who are :)

When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? When I was in primary school, a zoo-keeper... high-school, an author.

What fictional world would you like to live in? The fuckin Harry Potter world please.

What is something you worry about? Life

Are you scared of the dark? Not really

Do you like to sing? Yep! But can I? Nope.

Have you ever skipped school? Uhh yes

What is your favorite place on the planet? My bed

Where would you like to live? Anywhere near a forest/woodland. Honestly Arcadia Bay is my aesthetic.

Do you have any pets? One doggo, three kitto’s.

Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? twittwoo

Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunsets

Do you know how to drive? No :c

Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Earbuds

Have you ever had braces? Nada

What is your favorite genre of music? The LIS Soundtrack is a genre of music, right?

Who is your hero? Peter Parker.

Do you read comic books? What do you think if my account is based on Batman hmmmm

What makes you the most angry? Liars

Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? Real book

What is your favorite subject in school? Media

Do you have any siblings? two sisters, two brothers

What was the last thing you bought? a selection box. for myself. no no m’actually sharing with @crycel ;)

How tall are you? 5′3

Can you cook? Toast? Yes.

What are three things that you love? My boyfriend, my bestfriend and Jack Napier

What are three things that you hate? liars, my lack of self confidence n’ belief, and widowmaker auto-lockers

Do you have more female friends or more male friends? Female

What is your sexual orientation? pink yellow and blue baby

Where do you currently live? tea land

Who was the last person you texted? Ammmbaaah

When was the last time you cried? Last week?

Who is your favorite YouTuber? Depends on my mood! But recently it’s Shane

Do you like to take selfies? I do, because I really wanna try and bring my self confidence up. Buuuut most of the time it fails and I just feel worse about myself god dammit

What is your favorite app? tech not an app but ao3

What is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

What is your favorite foreign accent? Aussies!!

What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? Bristol. To see my bestfriend.

What is your favorite number? 7

Can you juggle? xD

Are you religious? no

Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? Outer space 

Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? Absolutely not

Are you allergic to anything? Some sort of washing power lmao my skin doesn’t likey much

Can you curl your tongue? nuuu

Can you wiggle your ears? nuuuuuuuu

How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? As soon as I realize I am

Do you prefer the forest or the beach? forest

What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? always try and see the good side of things

Are you a good liar? Mehhhh

What is your Hogwarts House? HUFFLEPOOF

Do you talk to yourself? not really?

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert 

Do you keep a journal/diary? used too! Now I have scrapbooks, if thats any consolation 

Do you believe in second chances? Yes. But it’s got me into trouble, lmao

If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Turn it in somewhere, whatever shop/place is closest if they’re trustworthy

Do you believe that people are capable of change? Yes and no

Are you ticklish? ...no

Have you ever been on a plane? Hell no

Do you have any piercings? all natural bby

What fictional character do you wish was real? Peter Parker. (but i’m the female version of him okay)

Do you have any tattoos? Not yet

What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? HAH

Do you believe in karma? aye

Do you wear glasses or contacts? I think I need glasses tbf

Do you want children? no, my sim bbies are my children. and my cats.

Who is the smartest person you know? my bestfriend (sorry boyf)

What is your most embarrassing memory? we don’t go there

Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? what’s sleep? at least, CONISTENT HOURS of sleep?

What color are most of you clothes? Black from my emo days, but now I’m really into yellows and soft colours

Do you like adventures? Yessss, as long as I’m with someone I feel safe with

Have you ever been on TV? I hope not

How old are you? 19

What is your favorite quote? “ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.” or  “worrying means you suffer twice”

Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? Sweet

YAY

[nostalgiaispeace]

1086.

Where have you lived throughout your life?

mostly VA Beach

Do you find your job rewarding?

yes

What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday?

-

To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels?

bagels

Do you paint your nails?

no

What’s the last website you signed up for?

dropbox.

Do you check your email everyday?

yes

Have you created any pages on Facebook?

yes

Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at?

math

What’s your favourite song by Dave Matthews Band?

-

Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to?

maybe?

Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend?

not that i know of.

Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed?

sure

Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover?

yes

Have you ever had a panic attack?

too many to count.

Are you deathly allergic to anything?

enough to have to carry an epipen

Have you ever had a mouse in your house?

nope

Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex?

not that i can think of.

Is anyone you know really religious?

yes

Are your eyebrows naturally thick?

sure

Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick?

no

What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed?

A Star is Born (I Think)

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other?

yes

Has a laptop ever burned your legs?

no. just made them hot

Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?

not that i can think of

Who was the last person to flip you off?

idk

Anyone’s birthday coming up soon?

my mom’s

Would you ever wear fake eyelashes?

no

Are you good at following directions?

depends

Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care?

yes

From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall?

no

When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap?

if i remember

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners?

manual

Are your biceps at all noticeable?

i guess?

Have you ever seen a walrus?

no

When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule?

no

If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel?

no

Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer?

idk.

When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too?

yes

Do you tend to jump to conclusions?

yes

Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays?

yes

Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing?

yes

Ever pop someone else’s pimple?

yes

How long does it take you to fall asleep?

depends on the day

Do you crack your neck often?

no

Did you have a weird dream last night?

can’t remember it.

Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?

no one really.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

both

In what way are you your own worst enemy?

in all the ways

What activities make you lose track of time?

reading

When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?”

no

Who do you tell your secrets to?

no one really

Who do you live with?

Matt

When did/will you graduate?

2009

When are you moving next?

idk

When is the last time you took a vitamin?

idk

Why are you stressed?

life

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call?

no

Where do you keep your birth certificate?

idk to be honest.

How many books are in your room?

too many to count.

Have you ever been IN a wedding?

yes

What was the last thing you laughed out loud at?

the SAG awards.

Do you have a nickname? Why?

sure; people give them to me.

Have you ever had a bad concert experience?

Danny wasn’t that great once when I saw them on their last tour before Denis was their singer for a bit.

When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this?

recently i’m sure; Matthew does.

Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm?

no

Want someone back in your life?

sometimes i do.

Are you currently sad about anything?

no

Are you wearing anything shiny?

no

How important is a sense of humor in a significant other?

pretty important

How many followers do you have on Twitter?

no idea. i don’t pay attention

Do you sleep with the door open or closed?

cracked

Have you ever been to the beach?

yes

Can you handle blood?

yes

Do you pay your bills or do your parents?

i’m grown and married fam.

What’s your best friend’s middle name?

Willow

Has any place hired you underage for a job?

no

Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school?

probably?

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon?

no

Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone?

no

Do you plan to become very wealthy some day?

idk

Do you remember your first time going to the movies?

no

Does eating breakfast make you sick?

sometimes

Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute?

no

Book series you enjoyed reading recently?

Lizzie Garner series

Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing?

no. i’m allergic to the grass....

Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it?

no

Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away?

no

Do any of your close friends have children?

yes

What do you plan on having for dinner?

i had pizza

Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting?

yes

Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone?

no

Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor?

yes

Have you ever played flashlight tag?

no

Could you call yourself a movie buff?

yes

Have you ever had a piercing get infected?

yes

Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to?

no

Are you a shorts wearing kind of person?

yes

Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy?

yes but like dusty. like i don’t think they ever dusted lol

About how much can you bench press?

lol

Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation?

yeah

Is anybody in your family a carpenter?

idk

Are you avoiding someone?

sure

Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”?

no

What’s your favorite primary color?

orange

What were you for Halloween?

nothing

Do you have any clothes from Walmart?

yes

When did you get a Facebook?

2008?

What color are your eyes?

brown

What motivates you?

God

Can you walk in heels?

yes

When was the last time someone asked you your age?

idk

Do you keep a journal?

yes

Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka?

yes

Do you wear a ring on your finger?

yes

What are you doing?

watching “Many Faces of Jane” (I think it’s called)

What’s the last kind of soup you ate?

idk

Do you currently have a sunburn?

no

Who did you last text?

Amber

Who’d you last call? About what?

i don’t remember

Are you currently frustrated with someone?

yes

Do you drink water or soda more often?

water

Do you straighten your hair?

yes

When did you last talk to your brother or sister?

rn

What is your least favorite vegetable?

all of them

Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often.

Paulina, Sami, Brittney

In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in?

English

Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at?

no

When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened?

my life.

Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent?

no; hopefully next year

When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing?Describe it.

last year; harry potter leggings and a harry potter sports bra

Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female?

female i think

Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it.

dresses

Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them?

idk

Nastiest thing you’ve ever done?

idk

What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently?

actually doing the chores i needed to get done.

Have you ever done something sexual that you regret?

no

Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you?

yes

Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it?

yes; no

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret?

probably

Do you like french fries?

yes

Have you ever eaten so much you puked?

yes

Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance?

yes, sadly

Would you rather go to Greece or France?

Greece

[noheroes-allowed]

(edit: from 10-12am)

12/14 - 12/15, I keep having breakdowns and I definitely know why but at the same time I’m confused

also again, don’t read this lol I just wanna remember this in the future

so last night I was hanging out with Ally and Nana and I was having a lot of fun so I pushed back the meeting time by an hour but then he said he was gonna go out with his friends and wouldn’t be back for a few hours - I didn’t want him to go though bc I really wanted to see him plus I went all the way to the health center after my final to get supplies like they better be used - so I got kinda sad and started drinking with them

but it turned out to be really fun though like things happened like last time and I really wanted to dance and sing and I didn’t throw up which is always a plus

so I hung out with them for a long time and stayed up last night for him to get back to me when he’d be back and free, I got really sleepy at like 2 but he messaged me half an hour later

honestly I felt kinda upset though bc I always felt like he mattered more to me than I mattered to him, which is partly bc he’s my first everything and partly bc I think I feel /too/ much sometimes (always), and he didn’t seem that interested in me coming over

anyway I got there and he was super weird omg he was so hyper and talkative bc he was still drunk but it was really funny

like in the elevator he thought he lost his credit card and he kept saying he probably left it at the bar but it was in his back pocket the whole time, and then when we got to his place he got these nachos and ate them super quickly holy shit but he only ate half of the container BUT it was only for like 2 minutes that this was happening lol it was weirdddd, also he had like a little hop in his step or he would dance a little while walking idk it was funny

but I felt weird being normal around him while he was like that so I asked him for something to drink and I got buzzed (tbh who am I) and we fooled around

he said I gave the best —— he’s ever had

when I drink though, I have no filter and all my thoughts come out so when we were laying there I started saying how I felt, specifically how I wished I mattered more to him and how I wished he talked to me more and how we never do anything else and how I always ask first to see him, not the other way around, and how I want him to make me ——, and shit

he said I was special though and he does care about me, and we should do something else but I added that it’s too late now, and he does want to ask me first but I always beat him to it and it’s annoying that I do

I also said how cute he looked when I met him the first time

I asked him to sing and he sang some paper moon song but I didn’t like it so we switched to can’t help falling in love; we also talked about me making out with my friend and how he thought it was hot and she should come over sometime lol but he would focus on me

I woke up to him on the phone with a background investigator for his new job lol and the investigator wanted to meet up with him today but he didn’t go, he says apparently that he’s done some shit particularly hacking things that he shouldn’t have and he was stressed he wouldn’t be hired bc of the things he’s done

I distracted him

I was on my phone checking my grades and I got a 92 on my calc final!!!!!! and a 90.5 on my linear algebra final!!!!!! I’m so fucking happy I worked my ass off in calc especially!!!!! and tbh I kind of slacked on studying for my lin alg one but I pulled it off!!!! he was impressed hehe, he thinks I’m insanely smart which I don’t think is true I think I just work a lot to get where I want to be (I really really do and I don’t think people know and they just write it off as something inate and I hate that, give me the credit I deserve)

he told me how he used to try a lot freshman and sophomore year of high school but he didn’t junior and senior year but he did better then, and how he lowers teachers expectations in the beginning so doing what you’re actually supposed to do later is impressive to them

he made me quinoa which was so good I fucking love quinoa and he said he doesn’t know anyone else who likes it besides him and like same I don’t know anyone who likes it the way I do

we talked about the Friday before that when I made out with my friend and how we took off our shirts and I was wearing her bra and it was wild, and he asked what my friends thought of his pic (lol Vaani just liked to say he’s brown but he’s a cool one which is rare)

lol he also voice texted my mom and she was confused

we watched Aunty Donna and it’s always sunny clips and we talked about the associative property of multiplication for linear algebra and matrices

my friend thinks she’s a 7 when I think she’s a 9 and I was texting her about this and he said she’s probably a 6-6.5 and I got sad bc then I would be so much lower

he told me not to worry about it bc there are other things that factor into it

he said I was wilder and dirtier than he was freshman year, apparently his old friends are very conservative and believe the waiting until marriage thing which is interesting bc I don’t know many people who feel that way

he said he was tired and had a rough week bc he has seasonal depression and bc of the background check determining if he starts his career

I wish I told him I had (have? I don’t know what tense it should be bc it never goes away right?) depression quite recently but it’s weird to say out loud and even on here rn bc I feel like I don’t have the right to categorize or describe or legitimize how I felt the last two years as that when I was never truly diagnosed or anything sigh idk it’s just a problem I have like I don’t know if I can say I had/have depression and I’m rambling

we fell asleep and I had a dream we were at some park and we were on a ride that was like those weird mechanical character things that aren’t roller coaster you just sit and you go through the ride and watch things

anyway he jumped out of the ride but he didn’t get caught bc this other guy did it first and all the security were reprimanding that guy, and then the scene changed and we were gonna out to see some show but then he just wanted to stay in and we were just laying on the ground inside somewhere like it wasn’t his place or mine but my parents walked in and I freaked out so much even though we weren’t doing anything but there was alcohol around us I fucking woke myself up

we did things again

afterwards I got sad

we were talking about what I was saying last night, how I kept saying he mattered more to me than I did to him and he mostly said he didn’t pursue more bc he knew I was leaving

I told him I didn’t want to go and he asked if I meant today (lol he offered for me to stay while he works on his project with his friends and he’ll be back in a couple hours) or in general, it was both

I cried

he got a tissue and dabbed my face

I told him how I wanted to stay for multiple reasons, I didn’t want to start over at Cornell

he was really nice bc I kept saying I’m sorry (he kept asking what I was sorry for - I’m sorry for crying, I’m sorry you have to deal with me breaking down, I’m sorry I’m upset) for being like this (lbr he didn’t sign up for this lol) and he said it was good for me to talk it out instead of letting it fester and he really tried to console me like telling me I can still keep in contact with the people I met and how I’ll make new friends and have fun and such

I told him I’ll miss him bc he was my first everything and he said it’s better with the clean break and good terms instead of a long term relationship and bitter endings and bad memories, with us it’s just melancholy

he’s a really nice guy and I’ll miss him

he said I was always welcome back and could stay for a couple days at his place if I was on break

he kept asking if I’ll truly be okay after I stopped crying, it was so good and pure and sincere

I could’ve loved him

he makes me want to write again

we watched a Portal 2 video and he showed me his website and we went on each other’s Tinders

he saw how people asked for my number and asked if I ever met up with them, I told him I only met with 2 other guys and we were talking about it and he said he doesn’t get jealous (I do)

he told me to bring an overnight bag for Saturday

we ran into a security guard in the hallway and he asked if she always patrolled bc he never noticed and she said yeah all the time and he asked for what kinda things and she said for people having sex in the hallways and loud music and crazy college kids and fuck he’s so good at talking to people

there was a dog in the elevator

it snowed/hailed today and I didn’t even notice when we stepped outside lol, only when he threw snow at me

I tried to throw it back but it was hard to pick up and it melted in my hands but he had gloves on and kept doing it

it was fun

he’s really fun

we were talking about moving here as kids and English as a second language which is weird bc it’s technically the second language I learned but it’s my primary language and hm, he said he sometimes switches without noticing which wow I’ve never met anyone in real life who’s done that

we walked to the Atlantic building, it was cold and slippery

I’m tired, physically and emotionally

18, 20, 2-3, 9-10, 11-12, 14-15

I could have loved him