#i would post only sketches but most of them are ugly af

[kyo-hiki]

some random stuff :))

[suite-purgatory-a-hh-what-if]

Hell's Royal Family(left to right; Milu(the lil snake on lucis arm,Lucifer, Charlotte, and Lillith)

(Sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrry that this lore dump is late af school and motivation is a tricky one, but luckily i got this and two more things to post for October ;3)

So, for the royal family of hell in this Au, while there's still some mystery about Lucifer and Lillith in canon, and even if Charlie is going to be related to Lillith, I am going to make some things in here canon right here and now: Charlie will be the biological child of both Luci and Lilith, and if something new in canon happens differently, I'm still keeping my canon the same as it always has been.

Yeah here goes the lore dump:

So after Lucifer had fallen and changed into a demon he was also been drained of his health as an additional punishment so when he came to hell he was basically a skeleton with thin skin, a lot of his golden locks falling out and soulless eyes, he was once a shell of his former beautiful self(I might make a sketch in the future to show you what he looks like).

Lilith had found him after the fall and was horrified by what she saw her lover become, a depressed skeleton version of what he once was; so she took him somewhere in the new realm and tried to heal his wounds, he was very depressed on what he had become and done, he was stripped of his title, he is now ugly and starving and now all he could now do is watch the freedom that he gave to humans use it for messed up means.

But...

Lilith had to encourage him, he found her after she left the garden, and he not only tried to help her get Eve also free from Heaven's grasp, and that now they have a place where they help and rule over these demons and make this domain theirs with no intrusion of heaven involved.

Of course, it took a while to convince Luci; but he gave in, he and Lilith soon became rulers of hell, with the help of the Goetia and the six other major demons who also ruled their own realms, they decided to make hell into a kingdom where both Lucifer and Lilith ran everything; Lucifer was in charge of the democracy and help with make rules and laws for the six realms. Lilith was in charge of the sinners in Pride and made sure that they had as much free reign on Pride as possible.

Lucifer and Lilith while creating this new realm fell even deeper in love with each other; they were always happy to have each other and with Lilith's help Lucifer found a way to get some of his health back and even his hair was growing back(he had to eat apples and apples with some exceptions only)

They were Hell's most royal and loving couple.

Over the next thousands of years, Lilith could produce offspring however; they would always die from stillbirths and she gave them to Asmodeus for them to recreate citizens for their ring(basically this is how succubi and incubi exist in this au :P)

Lilith wanted a child, a child with her, and Lucifer was hesitant, it wasn't that he didn't want a child but if he was good enough for one; however after a few... thousand years and magic; they were able to have a child, a little girl named charlotte.

Hair soft as a rose, shining red eyes as a ruby, near white porcelain-like skin but soft as a shaven goat, fangs as sharp as a needle.

She was perfect and for the next few decades they felt happiness, Charlotte however could age slowly which made Charlie grow up much more special for the Morningstars.

They always felt Charlie was way too special for this world, so they decided to keep her locked up at their Manor with the only exception was to sending her to the other rings to live with and interact with her other family (the deadly sins) and to interact with the demon world

Charlie lived a lot of her teen years in Envy, Lust, and Gluttony so that she could have some sort of freedom but not in pride.

However, when 2000 hit one day she decided to head outside for the first time without her family and she realized that these exterminations were going on and seeing Hell being in chaos with confused and scared sinners she was mortified. She hid in a local alley so that she wouldn't be found.

When she got home, her parents were furious about what happened and a royal fight had come between the three of them; it was a fight that caused a crack to happen; and it would continue to crack more and more as the years went on and that Charlie would always sneak out and try to help sinners the best she can some were grateful and others were pieces of shit.

One day however in 2020 Lilith was gone, it wasn't for one of her own concerts, a demon summoning, or even a meeting with the deadly sins/Goetias she just...left. Charlie didn't know what happened to her and tried to ask Lucifer but he refused to answer what happened. It caused even more cracks between one Father and Daughter.

A few years later, Charlie brought home a sinner to try and heal her however Lucifer caught on to what she was doing and tried to kill the sinner but a fight broke out which made Lucifer scream Something so horrible and terrible to Charlie that both Charlie and Lucifer were stunned. Lucifer felt instantly terrible for what he said; he had to apologize but Charlie grabbed the sinner and she left; he tried to catch up to her but Milu(his little snake assistant) coiled him up tightly as Lucifer was screaming for his little girl to come back.

But alas, for the next few years, he tried to call Charlie to try and spend time together, to try and apologize to her for what he had said to her but she would always refuse. He had sent two goats(razzle and Dazzle) after charlie but all that came back was a note that she wanted to be left alone. He requested for them to live with Charlie and so, the great king was now once again alone.

He tried to keep up with his duties the best he could but all he wanted to do now was be alone and make rubber duckies. Ducks... Lilith and Charlie loved ducks.

FACTS:

1.One thing I would like to get out of the way for this rewritten version is that Both Lilith and Lucifer were equals in ruling hell when it came to their politics

2. Charlie is still and will be biologically related to both Lucifer and Lilith in the AU, no matter what, although she wasn't made by normal means since in this AU Lilith could get pregnant but it was always stillborn babies that Asmodeus would take to create succubi and incubi for their ring(also Asmodeus is genderfluid in the au with a slight male lean sue me :P) so let's say that the reason they could have charlie was due to some special magic that Luci and Lilly agreed to ;)

3. Their marriage for the next 10,000 years was healthy, it was just that something in the 1980s to 2000s made cracks happen(spoilers for the story)

4. Even if Lucifer is still scary in au he is still a submissive and a breedable loser.

5. Both Lilith and Charlie were actually duck lovers, Lucifer was more of a snake man but over time he started to Love ducks way more than snakes to show how much he loves his wife and child

[twilightvolt]

Well....that was one way to start a new decade, i guess. >  >’

Ok, from the death and destruction to the quarantine caused by viral disease to large parts of the world literally going up in flames, this year was like an ominous beginning that revealed the true ugly colors of everyone around us.

But there’s something telling me that that was just the universe releasing all of it’s built up rage from the last decade, so to think on the bright side, the only way to go is up now, right?

Regardless, pushing all the crap that happened this year aside, this feels like one of my best years yet in terms of art. i don’t think there’s any wedge of this clock that i wasn’t completely satisfied with and i had a TON of tough decisions on what to put in said wedges cuz i just luved almost everything i’ve created this year.

If you’re up to it, i’ll have my usual month to month reflection under the cutoff, but if you’re not, i hope to keep giving y’all even better art next year! ^  ^

So without further ado, let’s review!

January: ~ Days ~

Runner up: Team Solar Rises Again! (drawing in celebration of PMD finally returning with a remake of the first game)

Kicking off right where 2019 left off, i was hot on the heels of my Beastars phase, still cranking out countless drawings and doodles, mostly featuring Legoshi, and even hanging around the Beastars Amino and making some new friends there. this piece in particular i think encapsulates what i was mostly doing at the time, making up stories and stuff within canon to give myself more wolf boi content. which is something that i rarely do normally since i’ve mostly just done OC related writing before this.

February: - Sk8ter Wolf -

Runner up: Re:Hukaro (That thing i drew for Moon)

Ahh yes, the day i peaked with punk rock energy and created something in a highschool notebook sketch style. ngl, with the release of Beastars�� english dub on the way and the fandom quickly growing, i felt like i was on fire with the amount of stuff i was drawing. i felt so inspired and things can’t possibly go bad.

Or can it?

March: We Can Be Heroes

Runner up: One More Day, Emo Bird Boi Sketchies

Ahh yes, the month the worldwide quarantine started because they discovered the virus around this time. from this point onward, time pretty much meant absolutely nothing since i was stuck indoors for a majority of the year, only going out if i had to. on top of that, i tried a little attempt at a fandub and got picked on immediately by yahoos on Youtube. it...wasn’t fun.

I tried doing a little challenge i made up called Animarch where i drew a drawing representing anime i liked every day, but i only got about 5 days in i think? ehh, whatever. i did try, so that means something. lol

April: - ANOTHER SIDE -

Runner up: BEAST CROSSING ~Legoshi & Raymond

This was pretty much the final month i drew anything Beastars related as i slowly started shifting back to Pokemon due to the wait for season 2. but not before getting the new Animal Crossing and drawing a thing with Raymond and Legoshi that would blow up with hundreds of notes and interactions across every platform i posted it on. lmao

Regardless, i feel like Another Side was a perfect way to end that phase of my art journey. it’s like a nice finale to a long string of ideas that i will totally return to once season 2 drops next year.

May: - KOUJI -

Runner up: Fashion (that sketch of Alex and Jet in casual clothing)

What happened this month again? oh right, i went back to Digimon for a hot minute cuz i continued playing the copy of Cyber Sleuth Complete that i won from a giveaway on Twitter and created Alex and Jet, my latest Tamer and her Hawkmon partner. i should really do some more stuff with them.

ANYWAY,

June: - DOUBLE TROUBLE -

Runner up: “No Time to Waste! HENSHIN!” (AF attack against IonicIsaac on Twitter), Cafe Mix ~Ace, Yagami, Lance and Seliph

Art Fight. third year. and this time i kicked things up a notch and beat my old record from last year!...after uhh....cramming in 8 attacks at the very last night and totally going insane from the amount of sleep i lost. ^  ^’

But trust me when i say i will NOT do that again next year, i swear.

July: Squad Up

Runner up: Comin’ Out to Stun (Jet the Hawk sketches)

So after playing and beating PMDX, i started fleshing out Lance and Selpih’s characters and made more art and stories surrounding them and the rest of the team. one of those being a drawing for Mystery Dungeon Day, which happens the day after Odaiba Day. which is in August. why did i put this down for July then? some questions just don’t need to be answered.

August: - TOGETHER -

Runner up: In the Storm

You can tell by now just how uneventful life was this year cuz i have literally nothing else to talk about other than the art parts. no life issues, no big adventures like moving or something. just....indoor stuff.

It’s...kinda sad, now that i think about it. but hey, at least i was making the most of my time, trying new things and getting around a bit more.

September: Small World

Runner up: Rescue Together, PMD Forever!, Midnight Adventuring, Down Time

So this year, i turned 21, which a lotta people say is important. not really, if you can’t do much i guess. though, i did crank out a ton of art i’m super satisfied with as you can see by how hard it was to frickin’ pick one to use for this month’s wedge on the clock.

October: Feathers of the Shadows

Runner up: PAPERMOON - Final Mix - (not picked because it’s a touch up of an older drawing)

Hoo boi, this month was crazy. cuz i drew a whole lotta e d g e .....and a whole lotta Murkrow. lol

It was fun letting my inner edgelord out this month. even if nothing really significant happened in reality.

November: ~ One More Game ~

Runner up: UPokerap Project: Frogadier, - LEAF STORM -

This month....was actually kinda rough. it was basically me falling into a depressive episode after a scare at the dentist made me worry about my self image and insecurities again. but this time it really hit me just how much permanent damage i’ve done to myself in that aspect of my appearance. i know i shouldn’t worry so much, but it’s not great when people tell you to smile when the most i can do is grin since i’m just so....unhappy with my teeth.

But then around the end of the month, i stumbled upon a Pokemon themed Discord server with people that made me feel....not as alone as i suddenly felt i was. which i’m glad i could meet them even after only knowing them for a month now. if they’re reading this, i hope you know i’m thankful for raising my spirits when there’s still things i just can’t do due to financial issues.

December: Colors of the Heart  + Happy Holidays! ~Grovyle ver.

Runner up: ~ After the Battle ~ (the two part KHII anniversary drawing), - XIII -, Sketchmon: Buizel

And now this month. on top of my insecurities, i’ve now been struggling with my frustration with not being noticed as much as i should, watching as some people quickly climb up in following when i’m going much slower. honestly, i feel like the months when everything started lightening up for the world....was when things started falling apart for me. yeah, i know. pretty depressing way to end, huh? i hit 300 before the year ended thanks to the support from my new friends though, so i’m actually pretty happy.

But that doesn’t mean i’m not still scared of the future. i mean i have my teeth to worry about and also my wisdom teeth are coming in. so next few months...might be kinda rough.

Though, that’s not to say i didn’t soldier through it. this month i pushed myself, plowed through as many commissions as i could get to raise money for my new computer and made some of the best drawings that to me, feel like a great accomplishment. even if a couple of them weren’t as grandiose as some of my previous work. it was a big step forward for me as an artist. at least in my eyes.

And i have a feeling....that it can only get better from here.

[messedupessy]

Got tagged by both @observing-silhouette and @skelltales so here goes(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  

Rules: Write down 10 facts about yourself and tag 10 followers you want to know better

Can't be bothered to tag anyone as I am tired and can't think of anyone ye

1. I have filled up 5 sketchbooks ever since I got into Undertale which is barely a year ago now, have begun on the 6th one now, before UT I barely filled like 2 sketchbooks a year so yeah it's cray cray what UT has done to me, and I haven't even posted half of what I have sketched pfft 

2. I actually hated crocs before I decided to give Stretch a pair, like yeah I still had a pair of my own crocs which I used when I needed to go out and do something quickly like taking out the trash etc, but ever since I gave them to him and his obsession and love for them grow so did mine and now I love them any other kind of shoe or just outfit that is considered ugly

3. I own only one skirt which my big sis made and gave to me, which is now broken allot so now I only use it when I colour my hair as a top, so I can more easily take it off so I can shower without getting hair colour on my clothes as I shower every time when you have to wash the hair and stuff ye

4. every time I am out on the town/big cities I often end up looking at people and their clothes and imagine Stretch or some other character wearing them, mostly just Stretch tho, like I can't even go into a clothing shop without looking at a clothed up mannequin and immediately see Stretch wearing it, or walk past one of those big windows with mannequins in different poses and clothes and see Stretch wearing them, I have ended up taking sneaky photos or draw quick stick figures in my sketchbook which I carry with me everywhere so I don't forget, most of the time I forget to do that so I forget the outfit altogether pfft 

5. When I sit and sketch while wearing my swap pap hoodie my eraser keep on falling into my hoodie sleeve and I have no idea how the fuck it keeps on happening 

6. Completely hooked on Hamilton so much it almost hurts, never been interested in musicals like at all before but decided to give it a try like a month ago now and ever since then I have listened through the whole musical almost every frikking day and I love it so damn much like dang the music is so damn catchy, have yet to watch a vid with the actual musical though as I have only watched animations of it so gotta so do that sometime, and thanks to my obsession with Hamilton so have it caused me to become obsessed with Assassin's creed again especially the 3rd game which occurs during the same time period as Hamilton, so soon in game I will prolly meet him and it will be funny af ye, also hooked on The Adventure Zone which is so good to listen to while out walking or while drawing like dang so good I love it so damn much I cry

7. I eat rice cakes as if they were chips, no butter or anything just completely raw have like 4 packages right next to my bed

8.  I can't stop saying kinky about everything and I am starting to think I have a problem or some sort of addiction or maybe it's just my aspergers/adhd is acting up again, like I say it about anything in any situation almost except real srs one's and I think I need to reel myself in a bit with it because it is starting to get out of hand pfft 

9. oh yeah I do have aspergers and adhd, real lovely stuff that is both a blessing and a fucking curse at times

10. someone keeps on calling me atm with a private number and I aien't answering that sheit no my good sir kindly fuck off man I don't care that you have called me 5 times now just go the fuck away and die in a bush somewhere that would be great gnjkergjke

[davidcoopermoore]

“Uneducated”

NOTE: This is something I wrote the day after the election and then sat on for months. It was too raw to post when I wrote it, but I think there's a lot in it that I'd still like to explore, and I don't want to give up the things I like about it even though there's a lot here I'm uncertain about.

A quick note on terminology: I will not write the word "uneducated" without scare quotes. I also will not write the phrase "only a high school degree" without putting scare quotes around the word "only." Hopefully my reasons for this will be clear below.

My job right now is to work with the "uneducated." These are students who for a variety of reasons -- some mundane, some utterly soul-crushing -- dropped out of high school. Most, not all, are black. Many, not all, live at or below the poverty line. Their blackness and their poorness have no obvious correlation to their success in our school, or at least we work really hard to make this true.

I teach students who just skipped school, because they hated it, until there were no obvious alternative but a literal "alternative school." I teach students who were pregnant or caring for younger siblings or elderly family members and simply fell too far behind. I teach students who were incarcerated. I teach students who have gone through unspeakable tragedies and I am awed that they're just there, day after day. But I also teach students who are more or less comfortable, just didn't "click" with school, and needed something different to get over the finish line. And I should note that none of these categories are mutually exclusive.

The one thing that quickly became screamingly obvious in my job is this:

They did not fail. Education failed them.

I have a lot of ideas and opinions and beliefs. Today they swirl around in my head as I shadowbox myself and my perceptions of many others, as I worry about "what to say in school on Monday" as though there's anything to say, as though I know more than anyone else, as though I can't just listen, which would be so much harder (oh well; it's what I have to do).

But the only truly bedrock one standing after a year of teaching in an alternative high school, and one that has been underlined, amplified, spotlit, and emblazoned across my heart and my mind especially after this election and its rhetoric, is that education is a human right, and a person who can't achieve some significant, if minimum, level of status -- and according opportunity from that status -- have been robbed of that right.

All of the students I teach, aside from a handful whom I often suspect are concern trolling their classmates, despise Trump with a passion unmatched in any other figure in the United States today. They believe that, along with the election being rigged (for Trump), and with the uneasy sense that their voice, and hence their vote, doesn't truly matter, that Trump will usher in the most racist policies they can imagine. "Bringing back slavery" is how they usually put it.

They don't believe these things simply because they are "uneducated," even if in some technical sense they can sometimes be wrong. Conspiracy theories are merely a backdrop for a more intuitive understanding of the gross injustices that are with them, sometimes in the background and sometimes in the foreground, all the time.

And I believe the same to be true, more or less, of Trump supporters generally, at least those with "only" a high school diploma, who have been held up as, essentially, too stupid not to vote for Trump. They too have their own, if different, conspiracy theories that provide context for their sense of gross injustice, sometimes racist ones. (The SNL "Black Jeopardy" sketch made something like this point af few weeks ago.)

In a Guardian article published a few days before the election, Chris Arnande describes the split between the "uneducated" white and black communities he visits this way:

Natchitoches [in Louisiana] was like many other towns with their share of enthusiastic Trump supporters. It had suffered a devastating economic downturn in the 1970s and 1980s when the cotton gin mills closed. Other than jobs related to the state university, it has since offered little opportunity. Those in town whose lives were not connected to the university lifeline were the Trump voters. Well, the white people in town. Natchitoches, like the US, has long been divided along racial lines, with black residents confined to a lesser choice of jobs, homes, and schools. And Trump was dividing them further. [...] America has changed fundamentally over the last 35 years, and I saw and heard the impact of those changes. America had finally started upending a longstanding and ugly racial hierarchy, removing legal barriers that had made the playing field anything but level. For this, minorities overwhelmingly supported the new system, despite still suffering economically and socially more than white Americans. Yet we replaced that system with one based on schooling, building a playing field that was tilted dramatically towards anyone with the “right” education. The jobs requiring muscle decreased (many going overseas) while the jobs requiring school increased. Compounding the pain from this, we started giving the winners a much larger share of the profits. The early Trump voters I met were the losers from these changes. Their once superior status – based only on being white – was being dismantled, while their lack of education was also being punished. They lived in towns and communities devastated by economic upheaval. They were born in them and stayed in them, despite their fall. For many, who had focused on their community over career, it felt like their entire world was collapsing.

What I like about this analysis is that it doesn't take racism off the table, but contextualizes white racism with the legitimate struggles that white Americans deal with -- and deal with, in part, by doubling down on those few advantages they feel are being threatened. They are right, I think, to believe those advantages are also their rights; but they are wrong, I think, to believe that other people aren't equally and in some cases more deserving of those advantages, which are also their (the others') rights.

(Generally I've been frustrated by critiques of this election, from many perspectives, that conflate "white supremacy" and "white supremacists." The idea that you can't factor in white supremacy to the mindset of a person who voted for Obama and then Trump, for instance, is to confuse that person, who has undoubtedly benefitted from white surpemacy without seeing those benefits for themselves in any meaningful way, just by dint of not knowing what it's like not to be white, for a white supremacist. The on-record white supremacists also turned out in droves for Trump, but not necessarily for the same reasons. More than one problem led us to Trump.)

We can mock or deride "uneducated" whites and insist that education would change them. But when we talk like this, it seems like we've got the problem the wrong way around. Whites with "only" a high school diploma don't want to throw a "Molotov cocktail right in the center of the bastards who did this to us" (in Michael Moore's prescient phrasing) because they are uneducated. They are uneducated because they are in a system that isn't working for them, to the extent that it seems to require a Molotov cocktail. They just don't recognize, or don't care, that the fire won't hurt them as much as it hurts other people for whom the system isn't working either.

I'm not absolving whites with "only" a high school diploma from their votes for Trump (and I can't absolve myself for not talking to more white people who I knew would likely vote for Trump). Like my students' fear they'll be "sent back to Africa," on some level, lots of Trump voters are simply mistaken about a lot of what they believe, especially as regards what a Republican-controlled Congress and a President Trump would do about their problems, the source of those problems, and any possible hard solutions. But what they're not mistaken about is the existence of their problems. Their "uneducated" status is a symptom of those problems, not its cause.

(So how about those whites with college degrees, like the insurance adjuster I met last night who delightedly quipped that he is "NOT! Disappointed!" in the election results, before returning workmanlike to the everyday functions of his high-paying job that reqires a college degree? He's not the same. But then I'd also hazard to guess he didn't support Trump in the same way that the subjects of Arnande's piece did. Again, more than one problem led us to Trump.)

To see things the other way around -- to think that people vote Trump because they are uneducated, rather than that a breakdown in education and basic security as human right is one of many factors that makes Trump look particularly appealing to white voters with "only" a high school degree -- to see things this way is to use the same logic that paints my students, who are in a system that has failed them, as failures themselves. In this telling, "dumb people voted against their interests,: we are making the inexcusable mistake of equating the "uneducated" and a whole group of unrelated adjectives -- stupid, bad, ridiculous. Even after I'd taught at my school for about ten minutes I knew, if I didn't know it before, that there is no obvious correlation between any of these words and whether or not my students had (or later, "only" had) their high school diploma.

So yes, by all means, we need to improve the social infrastructure that guarantees rights to people to a safe and productive and meaningful life. But thinking that "to educate," beyond improving that social infrastructure, means something like "present the right facts and different perspectives and watch the problems go away" is not only naive -- it's an insult to those "uneducated" out there who know a lot, but about things that don't make it any easier for them to succeed in their society.

My students all start their time at my school "uneducated." They, for the most part, leave with "only" a high school diploma. That is an enormous achievement often made against cruel barriers. What we can't do is guarantee that other people -- those who make up our colleges, our local, state, and federal government, our social welfare support systems -- have taken the steps they need to do their part, too.

[aidenssanctuary-blog]

What Happened To Me Labor-day Weekend 2017

I was baby sitting the animals while my mother, step father and brother went to the camp grounds to enjoy the possible last bit of warm weather we were gonna have the rest of the season. This was fine, even though I much rather go camping I chose to stay home. Upon doing this I made the worst mistake of my life…

I am married. I am in a open-marriage, it’s something we both wanted. We love each other, and we have fun with other people as a couple. Like…swingers, only we develop a relationship or caring for our partners. We don’t just fuck around. If that’s how you live, you do you. I am not here to judge. But this is an important part of my story, so keep this in mind the more you read. I am also trans. Male pronouns preferred, though I am more of a gender fluent person, but 95% I am masculine AF. I’m a beef cake! …Okay, more of a pound cake. BUT STILL. 

This also plays an importance in my story.

So, most of our friends know we like making a connection with other people and cuddle, kiss, sex, you get the picture. So this wasn’t anything new to them. On Saturday I was talking to my (ex) friend about how badly I wanted Taco Bell. Like I would let him rub his knob on my feet (Because that’s what he liked) for soft tacos. He asked if I was serious, and I shrugged and said “Yeah, sure.” Because I just got off my period. And because of that I was craving foods like that, but was broke at the time.

I would have asked to borrow money from my husband if he called me that Saturday like he usually does. My husband was in Basic Training for the army when this happened. I get a call every Saturday, but since he was given the chance to call Sunday instead he chose to work out. I am in no way putting blame on him. This was my fault. Well, it wasn’t. But in a way it was.

I get my soft tacos, and I hang out with him, and two other friends at my house and we were all having a fun time. I got my fur babies, two ferrets named Frits and Apollo out and we played with them. My cat, Milo, came and joined us too. It was all great! Which is why…what happened next was so shocking and disturbing to me…

Trigger Warning: If you cannot handle rape situations please skip the next paragraph.

Our friends left, and he was gonna get his rocks off and go home. He knew we were open, but we had to make a connection. Since I knew this person for so long since we were young teens I didn’t see the harm, and we’ve allowed him to use my feet before to get his jolly’s off. I was laying on my stomach texting my friends before our two friends left my house. That was fine. No big deal. He does his thing, and I am texting away like nothings happening. He wanted my tights off. They were getting in the way. I told him they were staying on. But he tried pulling my shorts off to remove them. I told him the answer was no, so he kinda huffed, even if he didn’t mean to I heard the huff as he went back to his thing. I went back to texting. Not even five minutes later I feel my shorts being tugged off again. Now I am very insecure about my body. I have dysphoria  with almost every part of me… My butt, my chest, my face, everything. So I got very defensive. Quickly I turned my head back and told him NO. Very firmly. He said he just wanted to “look”. I told him not even my husband gets to look. That’s how uncomfortable I was getting. But I have a hard time telling people to leave me alone, or go away. My anxiety flares up and I feel bad for making them feel bad. Looking back at what he did now though I wish I made him leave, because I shouldn’t have felt bad for being uncomfortable… I pull them up again, couple seconds later they go down a smidge. I am annoyed by this point and a little worried. I told him no again, and he said he wanted to just grind against my ass. I didn’t..know what to say. I didn’t want it. How many times did I have to tell him no and pull up my shirts? I paniced. I felt anxiety flood me. I was shaking and frozen at the same time. I blacked out a little bit. Next thing I know… Next thing I know he’s…inside me… violating me.. Just.. inside my special place where he didn’t belong! I think it lasted no more than 2 minutes. He couldn’t keep it in or get it in fully I guess? So he tried pulling my hips up in a downward doggy style? “Face down, ass up”? I don’t know the actual name. But when he did this I finally snapped out of it. I said NO. I pulled up my shorts. I got up off the floor, and I sat myself in my computer chair and told him. “You can’t do that. I am with Allen. I am getting married. You can’t do this.” I didn’t make eye contact. I was holding back tears. After that I faked being tired and needing a shower so he’d leave… He did after about 15 minutes of hearing him ask me. “Was I big enough?” I was disgusted. How could you ask me that?

After he left I balled my house out and called my husband… I knew he didn’t have his phone, not until the next day but he needed to know everything. I left a 6 minute long message on his cell of mostly me crying. Telling him I was sorry. Telling him I felt dirty and didn’t deserve him. How I was violated. How I froze up. How I didn’t know what to do. How he didn’t wear a condom. I was so scared of everything! The next day he called me, and didn’t get the voicemail. Or at least he didn’t listen to it yet… He noticed something was wrong so I asked him if he checked his phone before calling me? He said no. So I told him what happened. He was so shocked. He asked if I was kidding, or if he misheard me.

Now the thing about my attacker is I’ve known him since I was 17. I am turning 27 in the next few days… My husband signed for his release from the army. Begged me to get a rape kit done. I did. Even though I didn’t want to alone. I still have the hospital pictures… My medical forms. Everything. I even kept my hospital bracelet just so I can remember that it doesn’t matter how long or how well you’ve known someone they can still betray you. Three failed attempts at getting my blood drawn. A HIV Prevention shot in the ass, and multiple STD pills later, plus a pregnancy test and Plan B. I am finally released from the hospital with a clean bill of Health. I was offered therapists, but I couldn’t afford them… I kept the Day One pamphlet too… I am also in cripling debt with the hospital and get a reminder every month to pay off my hospital bill. But I can’t afford it with the current check I make. I make $700 a month. $200 goes to mom for rent. $300 is used on bills, like phone, monthly bus pass, pet food, hygienic supplies and so on. Leaving me with roughly $200 to give to the hospital. This doesn’t include feeling myself. I’ve been skipping meals since this happened. I still do to this day. 

My husband is finally getting released soon to help me through this, because of this ordeal and our mutual friends I lost everyone, but two people. My best friend Jae, and my husband. Everyone else “didn’t wanna choose sides” even though he admitted to them and me what he did. I still have the screen caps of him admitting what he did to me, and apologizing for being scum.

The day after it happened my mother came home. I avoided his phone calls, texts, and facebook messages all together. I was called about 34 times in one day. I told my mother not to let him in NO MATTER WHAT if he came over. I was so scared of him coming over, and she still doesn’t know why. I just told her we weren’t friends anymore. It really baffled her. I am still having a hard time telling my mother that the man who stood up for me against 20 kids watching 3 girls beat me up after school. How the same man who came over at 2 am to comfort me during a hard time in my relationship and then walked 3 hours home in the rain that same night, AND went to work the next day just to make sure I was okay, raped me. How do you tell your mother that? How do you tell your mom that one of your friends she liked so much, thought was amazing just like you did, and trusted as much as you did…just how do you tell your mom not everyone is as good as they seem?

I’ve been living with this secret for so long, and finally I get to let it off my chest. It’s been a long 3.5 months. A long, lonely, self loathing, apathetic, miserable time in my life… 

I let my hair grow out. I bleached my bangs. I thought I needed makeup to hide how ugly I felt because I was violated. I stopped drawing. I am…was.. a freelance artist part time to my security job. But since then I was unable to pick up my tablet and draw. I refunded almost everyone. I stopped eating and couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t even sketch vent art on lined paper. I was so lost and alone… I went through a gender identity crisis. Was I a man or a woman? Should I wear my hair long or short? Who am I? 

But then one of my favorite youtubers started posting speed paints again. It inspired me. I watched all their old videos again. It inspired me. I started role playing again with my friends. I socialized on social media more. I then started drawing on my sketchbook, and now finally after 3 long months I picked up my tablet and drew something for myself. It wasn’t great and I am still re-mastering a tablet again. But I feel better and it’s all thanks to him, and the support of my husband and best friend Jae.

I long so badly to tell my crush what they did for me. I am looking for nothing romantic between them. Yet my heart flutters when I see them post something, or when I see new art work on DA. But it’s nothing I want to act upon. I am still healing mentally and am not ready to open our relationship to other people after that. Maybe in the future but just not right now… For now I am still working on me. Thank you all for the support, and thank you for reading my story. I kept this in for so long and finally it’s time for me to stop thinking this is my fault and let it all out. During this whole Fiasco I was blaming myself. Protecting my attacker. Even though I refuse to talk to him and I'm no longer friends with him I tried to make it seem as if it was my fault somehow. Or that it was something I did. But looking back now I realize how stupid that was of me to think that way. This is not my fault. I said no more than once. I've been going through a vicious cycle of being strong than being completely weak when it comes to what happened. But now I'm strong enough to know that it was not my fault. That I did all that I could to stop it. Anyways that's all that I've got to say for now.

-Aiden S.

[pppppppppppppppou]

Lost. Now. Found.

She was from Minnesota. She happened to give you a chance. And you give her a chance. You talk. She is everything you never had. She is funny. She is smart. She wants to know things about you and learn about your interests. She likes he same songs as you. You talk and talk. Working up the nerve to ask her out. Only for things to go so wrong...

She agrees to go out together. You think of a good place that she would like. As you get ready. Changing outfits multiple times. You find the right one. Not looking like you actually changed 4 times. You get your uber and are on your way. Stomach feeling like it's freefalling. Mind racing with all the things you should ask and say to her. You get to the venue scanning the room to see if she beat you to the date. Only to not see her. You wait. 5 min. 10 min..20 min....30 min. You just thinking she is in traffic. *phone buzz* Its her probably saying she just got here. Nope. It's her explaining why she can't make it. And how she is sorry and wants to reschedule. You being the nice dude go along with it. Telling her it's ok, even though your annoyed. You go home bumbed.

Next day you txt askin her how it's goin. No answer. Again later that night. This time txt her a funny story...no answer. Couple days go by again you txt her. This time asking about when you guys could meet up next. Same thing..no answer. You begin to think she lost interest. You tell yourself it's all cool and she is just another girl.

*One month goes by*

Your on Snapchat just wasting time only to see a user that you have there number and is askin if you want to add them. The girl looks really cute and you add her. Later to snap her. You guys talk and soon you realize it's the same girl who flaked on you a month ago. You call her out. Only to follow it up with a " so if it's later enough! Wanna go out again?" To Witch she though was funny. She agrees to meet up.

Again the same changing out fits 5 times. You are on your way wondering if she will show this time. She txt you she is already there and you see her in the parking lot. Short,brunette girl. With dark brown eyes. And big smile on her face when she sees you get out of the car. Oddly you guys are matching outfits. Light wash jeans with a white shirt and unbuttoned grey flannel on. You guys eat and talk for hours. When your about to leave she asks if you want to come along and go to a party with her. Ovcorse you said "yes"

On your way to the party you learn more about eachother. Singing you favorite songs together like it's no big deal. You get to be party. The small apartment is packed with drunk and high college kids. The room and a haze from all the smoke. The host comes and give you some shots and takes them with you. You have the best time ever with her there. Like a happiness you haven't have in years. You felt on top of the world. Just you and her. The only thing you did was tell her the bad news...." I'm moving to Hawaii soon"...that was the dagger. She acts like it's no big deal. Why dude. Why did you say that! But the party goes on. Only to get out of there before the cops come. You and her hiding from the cops in bushes and behind cars. To finally make it to her car. She decided it wouldn't be smart to go home smelling like alcohol and weed. So she brings you back to her place.

She tells you to wait in the living room so she can clean up her room. She is an artist. She has a sketch pad on the bed which you page through while she is cleaning. She catches you and rips it from your hands saying "I'm a terrible drawer" when the drawings are amazing. You guys get in bed. This is where the story makes a turn...

As your probably thinking... (you fuck her). Well...nope. Not even a kiss. Your 19 year old body and mind are saying fuck her. Not even gunna lie. But I couldn't. I was to nervous. And soon after I fell asleep. Only to wake up to all her hair in your face and you arm is asleep cuz she is laying on it. But still your in another world. So happy and just numb to the world. I'm thinking.."how tf is this amazing..beautiful woman down for me. Like what are the odds." Just to fall asleep 45 sec later. You wake up to her getting out of bed and leaving the room. You look outside to see it's a rainy morning. She comes back only to smile to see your awake. She asks you to stay and eat breakfast and watch movies. You...still numb to the world say "duh!". So she orders food and you pick a movie. You guys watch movies all day. Soon it's night outside and you say " I should probably be getting home soon" so you guys get ready to leave.

We drive back showing eachother our favorite songs. Singing throwbacks together. Soon your home and say your goodbyes! You get to your room in total amazement. The most fun you've had in a long long long time. You crawl into bed and fall asleep thinking about the last two days.

You wake and for the next couple days you guys talk. About random things. After about a week she stops responding. Leaving you on read. You wait a couple days and try talking again. Only to be left on read.. this is where things go downhill fast..

You are on your way to dinner walking and on your phone. You open Snapchat and are looking at the stories and you see hers. But this is the part of the story where my stomach and all the organs in my body leave my body. I see her and some other dude. But not just any dude. It's her "new man" you lose your apatite immediately. You don't want to eat. You don't want to watch movies. You don't want to do anything. You went from feeling amazing to feeling shity af. You got replaced like it was nothing. You tell yourself that it's no big deal and you'll move on...

But it wasn't that easy. For the next couple days you think of all the reasons why you got left in the dust. Your to ugly. Not muscular enough. And all the above...

*Skip 60 days*

Your now in California. Oceanside to be exact. You post a pic to Instagram and see she liked it. You totally forgot about her and her man. So you look at her feed. You now arnt hurt but happy she is happy.

*skip 160 days*

It actually changed me. I'm now a person who wants someone to love me. Because living for over 2 years without that person showed me how important "that person" is. And now I'm in Hawaii. Just going with what life throws at me. I see her name in txt when it's not there and when she talks I'm absorbed in what she says. She doesn't know it yet. But she is beautiful and truly funny and unique. And no..it's not the girl this story was about. She is new. And she is someone I hope might give me a chance. If not. Then that's just how it is. This story would be a lot longer but I tried to sum it up.

-hopeless romantic

dex

[knight-gwaine]

i keep talkin bout you bc youre my only real way of measuring my progress. you were the best and worst. yesterday or honestly whenever, i made posts along the lines of some shit like you suck ass, which ya do, but if you got your life together we could be friends or sum. but i mean. that’s a concept. what i’m realising is that every day, i’m getting further away from you. and that is a GOD DAMN BLESSING. i say all these nice things but thats for the fake fun and great version of you that exists in my head as just a comforting thought when i feel like thinking about love. but damn, i keep forgetting until i really think about it that, i literally am so fucking happy to be away. i am so happy we never have to be friends again and talk and shit. because you /seem/ cool, especially when we barely talk but if i had to actually deal with you. id rather punch myself in the god damn face. also wow it sucks that id still be down for your dick bc you be lookin like a god damn mess like eww??? i barely /actually/ see you and then when i do i realise oh yeah this b for real aint shit. like i wonder what he is actually getting done w his life. and okay, any progress is great. like if you on your own are trying. great. thats fantastic like im proud of you. everyobe works at their own pace. but in terms of me being friends w you. nah b, you lame as fuck. i aint got time for that. i have been meeting waaayy too many incredible peoole this year and have done waaay to many incredible things to be settlin for someone like you. idk dude. i see you. i hear things about you. i see the shit you do and say and i know you cant judge someone really unless you really get to know em or whatever but sometimes peoples social media and their friends can say a looooottt about them. a lot. and i do not. ever. wanna. fuck. w. you. HEEELLL NOOO.

as much as i wish for myself to never speak of you again and all that. i dont think thats going to happen for a long time. three years is a long time. even if this one seems to have lasted forever, three years is longer. and thinking back on all of it helps me realise how much ive progressed. and how much i keep progressing every day. i literally can only remember one. one. bad day. through this whole year. only one. maybe two? i remember one bad moment? but ive only ever had one bad day.

it is such a feeling. to finally. be free. all my emotions are controlled by me. i never feel depressed and alone on a cloudy quiet sunday. i never feel dreary when its pouring rain out. i never feel affected by the mundane weather. because i have done so much and i honestly will never stop. because what is the point in not trying to have fun and live your best life every moment of your life? fr that one song by anderson paak, i aint never comin down. i spent too much time bein scared and believing i was incapable and antisocial and no one likes me or whatever. but how do people get rid of their fears? you go out and face it. i feel like i can do almost anything now, im not gonna lie. like, if i really want to. because thats genuinely all it takes. if you WANT to do something, you will find a way to do it. so you will succeed. if you WANT to, even if theres everything stopping you, you find a way around it. once you realise that, nothing fucking stops you. i say this same old stuff over and over again but it just took me so long to learn and you hear about it but you never believe it. i still am amazed every day by how my life is now.

i have met some of the most phenomenal and successful people this year. i never would’ve thought first of all that they would even like me or want to talk to me but you would be damn well surprised by people’s kindness. growing up sheltered and being called annoying, dumb, and all other things, you end up believeing no one will like you its just automatic. this year, got to become friends with my favourite people that i always wanted to hang out with. i got to befriend amazing artists and photographers that are huge in my town. everyone who meets me automatically wants to be my friend. even strangers?? random people that sit next to me in class. doing leads you to meet people. and meeting people leads you to doing. its a fantastic cycle if you think about it. life is never boring. i appreciate all the small little things in my life so much more now. everything. if you arent happy with your life, find a way to make yourself happy. you arent stuck unless you give up and stop trying to change yourself. these. are the reasons why i wouldnt want you back in my life. my life is too phenomenal now. my life is too fantastic for you to be in you wouldnt fit. plus, i think im way too positive for you now. and i unapologetically love myself and every aspect of who i am now and i am constantly working on bettering me that i feel like itd just be too much? id be obnoxious to you i feel like?? and youd be boring. you would be boring. i like your interests. i love hearing what you have to say about music and movies and weird random facts but. i also dont trust you to be a good person. after all that you did too, nah. i dont need that negativity. it would be outrageous for me to believe we are connected in anyway. i hope. i mean this in all honesty with my whole being. i hope youre happy w your girl or whateva bc i want you outta mine. she better be takin fuckin care of your dumbass though i stg. i dont care when my boys get w other girls as long as i know their taken care of. vasya when he got w chelsea? immediately got over my crush for him and was happy af bc she was better than me. max, if he gets w anyone aside from cheyenne i will beat his ass. that b better fuckin be pushing you to strive for the best. she better be pushin you to realise your worth and what youre capable of and pushin you to try new things because LIFE IS TOO FUN TO NOT GO OUT AND HAVE FUN. COOK SHIT TOGETHER. GO HIKE. GO DANCE. DO SHIT. GROW UP. THINK SMART.

i fr dont know what the point of this post is im really out here just writin whatever comes to mind. bc one day i’m gonna go back through all my personal posts and ill remember how my life was rn and ill be like damn. that shit was sick as fuck. life was lit as fuck. tbh i think i was just really shook by that photo of you. ive been writing gay shit bout you for a while and then i saw that and i was like OH FUCK ABORT MISSION THAT B UGLY AS HELL AND HAS NO LIFE BACK OUT BACK OUT and now im here. straight shook. yeah. i dont want you in my life. my life is way better without you. i really am an unstoppable force right now. school is a motherfuckin one. friends are fucking precious and successful amazing wholesome human beings that are also out here doin the motherfuckin most im so proud i love all my friends we are all such successful people with amazing futures ahead of us god im so proud im 😭😭😭 we really out here chasin our dreams n shit. aND SUCCEEDIN. and money situation is L I T. ya baby’s got a fine ass mercedes w the best dad in the world getting me AUTOSTART for this cold winter???? ya baby be workin out and doin yoga everyday, abs comin in HOT. ya gurl developin as an artist with her dream school hittin her the FUCK up for her portfolio?? i am a for real artist now but i refuse to realise my big stuff. only sketches for now, dear world. the public eye doesnt need to see me as an artist yet. no. because they always will bc its always me. but no. i gotta act chill. this isnt the artist years of your life yet. you aint settled down yet no. now is time for fun, life, school, that grind 😤😤, and ecology. BE THAT SICK ASS SCIENTIST BITCH. BE SMART AS FUCK AND SAVE THE EARTH.

2017 got three more months left. i already know that im gonna have the funnest fucking time. fam is leavin for xmas and my sister’s moving out?? ff got house parties like wild?? EVERY MONTH??? northern lights are comin out??? you dont have to wake up early for school so you can go chase them??? A N D YOU HAVE A BUNCHA FRIENDS NOW TO GO WITH??? AND WINTER IS COMING SO THERES GONNA BE MORE EVENTS INSIDE TO GO TO??? AND MEET PEOPLE?? AND YA GETTIN MORE HIGHER PAYING JOBS WITH HELLA TIPS??? YES. i said i was gonna make 2017 my bitch. boy the fuck did i and i am gonna end it with a muthafuckin bang.