#i would die for my dumb cigar boy because he was my first favourite

[muckety-mucks-i-s-goin-delux]

When they say each fansie has a favourite background newsie this is what they actually mean

Background obscure character that we know little of (most likely a newsie) they would die for

Main newsie character (out of Jack, Davey, Katherine)

Main background newsie (starter pack newsies Crutchie, Race, Specs, Spot) because they were all we knew at the beginning

Background newsie that we love unconditionally but we love all of them so it's impossible to choose

[california-doom-merchants]

The Apprentice: S1E2

I wrote the first one of these mid-January in between the election and the inauguration and:

I enjoyed writing it to hell

It's my favourite thing I've written in ages

I'm ill so I've got a big ball of spite that needs directing at SOMETHING

Fuck everything this man stands for

So that in mind let's begin. The US Apprentice, Season 1 Episode 2, aka “Sex, Lies and Altitude”, aka “Fucking Kill Me Dead”

First episode didn't have this theme song which opens with the refrain “Money money money, got to have it”

It's nice to be back, as in “the last time I watched this the star of this show didn't have a big red apocalypse button those sure were the days”

It opens on the two guys who didn't get fired walking back into the group

“David is...departed” motherfucker he lost in a reality show he didn't DIE

Alright so for all the opulence around them these guys are sharing rooms which are smaller than dorm rooms, like why the fuck are those even in Trump Tower

Maybe it's to make the co-eds feel more at homeroigoeinrgre

“The reality is that every board meeting will mean someone goes home” that's the basic premise of the show yeah

The women's group are gonna vote on who they want to be project leader

There's a whole bunch of drama between two of the women and like it's a competition aimed at businesspeople, of course they all want to lead this is Not Exactly Surprising

Trump is meeting the tiny apprentice idiots at an advertising agency

“This is Round 2 in a 13 round fight” too many rounds. too many.

Men's group are like “alright it's an advertising task, you worked in advertising, boom you're the leader”

seeing as yesterday you went to THE MOTHERFUCKING NY STOCK EXCHANGE *AIRHORNS* to get told “fuck you, sell lemonade” maybe not the best plan

but what do I know I don't have a BA in Money

One of the women is wearing a multicoloured bandanna at this business meeting and damn if that ain't Early 2000s Aesthetic right there

They meet up with the president of the advertising agency who's like early 50s and ripped and also in a tshirt and jeans for some reason??

He and Trump are very touchy-feely

He shows off his shitty open-plan office like it's the Taj Mahal and a security guard scoots right by them on a fucking scooter

“Advertising is an amazing thing, it's a powerful powerful tool, weapon”

Just drops “weapon” in there as if that's not actually quite disturbing

“this time you're gonna be working on CORPORATE. JETS” and they grin like 9 year olds

they gotta design an advertising campaign which sounds super tedious but again my name ain't Jonny Business what do I know

“the winning team is gonna be flown from New York to Boston by PRIVATE JET. For dinner”

oh boy I hope the jet is covered in gold

also I really hope they have to make their own travel arrangements home. fuck you peasants, third task is hitchhiking you motherfuckers

the advertising guy is like “cool you gotta make a 30 second advert and also a magazine ad”

he also gives them some friendly advice like “swing for the fences. and failure is not an option”.

Another way of putting that is “Take risks, and also make sure nothing goes wrong” which is ??????? you can't have risks without the chance of failure you chiseled fuck

oh wow so I didn't mention last time that each episode has like a business monologue?? from the big white supremacist himself

this one's titled “Don't Negotiate With Underlings”

alright so the “monologue” is like three sentences and two of them are “Deal with the boss”

like leaving aside a) DUH, b) could have titled that like “Talk To The One In Charge” or “Go Straight To The Top”

“Don't Negotiate With Underlings” makes you sound simultaneously like a total shithead but also a total shithead who's dealing with a hostage crisis

An advert popped up for Geena Davis on Will and Grace and props to whoever recorded this for not just switching channels

I don't even watch W&G but give me anyone who was in Thelma & Louise over this garbo

So the women immediately call up the company they're advertising for

“Hi we're working on your ad campaign” yeah in the same way that Maggie Simpson is driving Marge's car

“okay so we have an appointment today with the CEO and senior vice president of marketing” wow lucky they both happened to be free!!!

They are playing up the “this woman is ambitious and mean” angle to the fucking hilt

the leader literally picks one other woman to go to this meeting and fucks off without giving any other instructions

the next shot is them running out of the building and into a road like zoo escapees

the guy leader is like “we don't need to meet with the people who we're designing an ad campaign for, what do they have to offer??”

the women literally have to run to get to the meeting with the CEO

“one of the reasons you've been put on the Marquis Jet case is to wow us” well it was because you'd get to star on primetime CBS

meanwhile all the other women are looking at the jet they're (tangentially) gonna advertise

“my design idea is something that's very...risky” alright lay it on me

“I want to show a phallic symbol” HOLY SHITTTTTTTTT

but no seriously please don't, this show already has all the dicks I can handle

“I want to show a phallic symbol because it's a plane”

“I want to show a phallic symbol because it's a plane and if you buy the card you're gonna go UP. You're gonna go WAY UP”

Then there's a long lingering shot of the front of the plane

Smooth jazz starts playing

Ron Jeremy is there

“it's gonna be so bad they're gonna LOVE IT”

like credit's where it due, it takes a certain sort of courage to get a task like this and go “what if I make it DELIBERATELY shit?”

they're showing the woman they've established as Angry and Uncooperative talking about what a bad idea this is but I'm 100% on her side

and not just out of fuck-the-editors spite, this is so clearly dumb

Speaking of the editors, they've edited this one scene with the guys so badly it looks like one guy phoned another just to tell him who Warren Buffett is

“our project leader isn't motivating us, he needs to be our cheerleader” ummm

“Mr. Trump's been our cheerleader, Donnie's been our cheerleader” this is rapidly approaching Stockholm Syndrome, the only interaction he's had with you is to tell you that you're bad but not quite as bad as someone else

maybe he just knew some really nasty cheerleaders

There's a montage of these guys directing a TV ad being filmed and it could not be more obvious that they're clueless

It just cut to one guy who said “Victory. Victory for the men” and then it cut to someone else

Or maybe I hallucinated it

Nope it's still there

Fuck

Okay holy shit the women's ad just got referred to very casually as “Tammy's Testicle Ad”

There's two photos where they've shot the plane to look like a dick and like balls

That's like something eight year olds would do if given a budget

One of the guys working back at the office has literally laid down on the conference room floor to sleep

Honestly I don't even have the heart to make fun, I'm here for the obnoxious business people and the fascist in charge, not the guy who's clearly not in the right place emotionally to be on a TV show

The women are getting into full flight attendant outfits to make their pitch because “it's the full experience that sells it”, in which case where are your dongs

they're also doing a direct mail side of the campaign and the guy they're selling to is like “but people just toss direct mail”

She assured him it's “damn good”

I'm just enjoying the moment before he realizes their definition of “damn good” is largely genitalia-themed

These posters are the worst thing I've ever seen

also who the fuck direct mails a fucking private jet renting service? know your audience like what the ass

“alright guys you've set the women's movement back about 70 years”

damn dude imagine being told “hey design an advert for a plane!” and then two days later being told “you are traitors to your gender”

The guys are getting ready to present

“I am the Zen Master of presentation” yes but how capable are you of talking about DONGS

oh my god the men have made a Powerpoint and it actually has the “pie charts woosh onto screen” effects

they don't mention it but the pie chart absolutely mentions direct mail so both teams must have been told to do this very stupid thing

then they hand the committee first class cigars at the end

the committee is torn between the men's “a bit generic but overall good” approach and the women's “DICKS AND BALLS DICKS AND BALLS” approach

Everyone gets called back in so the ad company guy can call “The Big Guy”

The women won

I hate this

The women all get into a limo to go to their private jet and they shout “Donald's Divas!” and I can't anymore

Meanwhile the men are bickering

“Here's my guarantee to you – someone's getting fired tomorrow”

like is this stuff handed to them on a cue card or do people on reality shows just spend all their time re-iterating the concept and premise to other people on the show

“The jet was a taste of the Trump lifestyle” honestly props on making a TV series that is essentially an advert for yourself and getting it to last 10 plus seasons

Then there's this contrast montage of the women eating in this fancy restaurant and the guys eating at their shitty apartment complex

but you know what? the men look like they're happy and the women are all alone in a restaurant and look pretty miserable

why do the rewards always make me envy the losers more

is it because the winners have extra Trump proximity

(yes)

I don't want to get into the “drama” because it's like 95% manufactured but yeah the women are arguing

Race comes into it and frankly I can't imagine a worse forum to discuss misogynoir

but apparently this whole “flight to Boston, dinner, flight back” means they're on the move at 4am and that seems more like a penalty to the next round than anything else

like did nobody think of this?? or is this more of this “successful people don't need sleep” shit

one of the guys (the dude who slept) is very obviously freaking out and one of the guy says “sit down, relax, close your eyes”, puts a cowboy hat on him and gives this monologue like “imagine yourself fishing, the mountains at your back”

the other man thanks him and stays there for a bit

honestly I feel like I'm meant to laugh at this but it's oddly touching

smash cut to someone else - “yeah we need to fire that guy”

the losing team has to pack up all their stuff every time they go to the boardroom and I imagine that being just a hassle rather than genuinely unsettling

Trump walks into the boardroom out of the shadows just like he does in my nightmares

it's surreal watching these guys defend a “losing” idea which was actually professional

“you should have met with the guy who hired you” well YES

the team leader has to pick two other people who were responsible for losing

but the whole reason they lost was due to a decision he made so he picks the “fell asleep” guy and then someone else seemingly at random

this is Not A Very Well Thought Out Aspect Of Your Show

“I had to pick someone!” and then Trump's like “bit disloyal”

No it's literally one of the rules of your shitty TV franchise

The team leader is lying about stuff which is on tape which is a bold move

but dick-themed direct mail was also a bold move so what do I know

“Sam, you're a disaster, don't take offence, everyone hates you”

This is said to the same guy who was like “Donnie's our cheerleader!”

The team leader got fired

Honestly I think it's more because they think the other guy is good TV and they don't want to get rid of him too soon

and for someone who just didn't get fired he looks really quite upset

guy who got fired is like “I'll call you direct in five years when I have my first building”

I googled it, he does not own a building

So in summary – this wasn't fun. This wasn't interesting. This wasn't good television, or even good reality television. At best it got me to laugh at an absolutely terrible ad campaign and at worst it just made me feel bad for the guy who got fired, the guy who didn't get fired, the cast, the crew, the security guard on the ridiculous looking scooter and pretty much everyone involved in this trainwreck besides the walking talking constitutional crisis at the centre of it.

See you for Part 3!