#i would be worried about having to go pee considering how much liquid ive had today but im pretty sure i sweat it all out

[deelovesbooks]

i am. Dying

[mattysones]

Laparoscopic Hysterectomy Account

This contains graphic discussion of bowel movements, bleeding/blood, medical discussion of intimate body parts, and post-surgery sexual activity.

[Pillowfort Post]

I attempted to use gender-neutral language, but call body parts by their names. This is intended to be helpful for people considering a hysterectomy, as I had a hard time finding first-person accounts of the surgery.

To start, here’s a few things about myself:

I’m 31, physically healthy, with diagnosed ADHD and Major Depression

I have a very low pain tolerance

I DON’T have known medical allergies

I DON’T have bleeding problems

I have not given birth

I had a very good doctor and medical team and am overall satisfied with the experience

I don’t remember the names of my anesthesia

I had a total laparoscopic hysterectomy, removing my uterus, Fallopian tubes, and cervix. My ovaries remain. This is still medically considered a total hysterectomy.

A laparoscopic hysterectomy involves 4 incisions in the belly, 1 for a camera, and the others so the surgeon may move their tools. The organs are cut out and then removed through the vagina. The vagina is then sewn shut with sutras. In my case, my belly incisions were so small (about 1 inch) they were glued shut.

A vaginal hysterectomy was possible, but because I’ve never given birth, this could be an issue for mobility because my vagina is tight.  My surgeon would have done it vaginally if I’d insisted, but suggested the surgery laparoscopically. It’s also supposed to have a shorter healing time.

Pre-Surgery Morning: I was received and asked to strip, including any body piercings. A blood test was taken to make sure I wasn’t pregnant. I was placed on an IV that contained anti-biotics. I was asked several times to explain what surgery I was receiving and if I still consented.

The anesthesiologist came and explained that while I would be put under - it wasn’t the kind that makes you loopy and giggly, it just knocks you out. He asked about family history of allergies. He said I would be put on a breathing tube with a number 7 gauge that would go down my trachea. He said he should be able to wake me up gently, although people’s reactions vary.

I asked him about the risk of waking during surgery, and he said this type of anesthesia had a very low likelihood of waking, near zero. He also said that because this was a major surgery (2.5 hours), he would be monitoring me the entire time, and would be able tell if the anesthesia was wearing off;  your body reacts to pain before you’re actually conscious and he can tell by changes in vitals.

This personally was reassuring to me.

After being wheeled into the operating room, they placed a mask over my face, and within 10 seconds I was unconscious.

Waking Up: I woke in what would be my room confused and in significant pain.  The anesthesiologist was beside me, and my mother wasn’t there yet.  I’m not sure how much time had passed, but the doctor later told me I handled the surgery fine, and they finished an hour early. I only lost about 2 tablespoons of blood.

My legs were extremely numb and I found this upsetting. The nurse said it was probably because of the position I was laying during surgery, and not to worry about it. The feeling came back after about an hour.

A nurse asked me what level of pain I was willing to tolerate; I said a ‘4’. She asked me what I was at currently, and I said about an ‘8’.

The anesthesiologist had to give me several doses of morphine to bring the pain down.

At this point there were many people in the room and the morphine was making me extremely tired. People were trying to talk to me, ask me questions, explain things because I was asking, but I kept falling asleep while sitting up and listening.

I was surprisingly clear-headed on the morphine, but my mouth and tongue were painfully dry and I felt like I was moving in slow motion, and also falling asleep. The nurses brought me a cup of ice to suck on so I could speak. I kept sticking my tongue out to form words because I literally had to stretch my mouth to move it, it was so dry.

The breathing tube in my trachea had been removed before waking, so my throat was also extremely sore, something that has lasted about a week. I also later developed sores on the corner of my mouth were the tube had rubbed. They faded after about 5 days.

My catheter was removed, which didn’t hurt itself, but I felt insistently like I had to pee. For the next several hours I would feel like I had to pee, although it was probably just the catheter irritating my urethra.

I attempted to stand on my own to get to the bathroom despite there likely not being anything in my bladder. This was a mistake, because the morphine made me extremely nauseous and I began dry-heaving. The nurses kept me on oxygen to help with the nausea for a few more hours. My mother said I was extremely pale and grey-lipped.

The hospital delivered lunch, but there was no way I would eat a full meal. I managed to drink my milk and an apple juice, and asked my mom to smash up some pears for me. I was able to graze on the pears over the course of 3 hours with little problem. I felt significantly better after the apple juice, but would spend the next several hours sleeping off and on until the nurses checked on me.

Hospital Stay I vaguely remember babbling to the nurse who primarily watched after me for the day-shift but I don’t remember much of our conversation or what she looked like.

Dinner was brought around 5 or 6, by then I was much more clear-headed and able to stay awake for longer periods. I was extremely hungry and craving meat. I ate about half my meal in 30 minutes before realizing I was probably eating too fast. I asked the nurse, now night shift, and she agreed I should slow down. It took me about 4 hours to eat a fairly small serving, but I was no-longer nauseated.

My mom was also encouraging me to walk circuits around the floor; I’d been able to move my legs fairly early, but walking was still exhausting.

Somewhere around 6pm I began having pain again and was given an Oxycontin.

By now I truly had to pee, and needed some help standing, but I was able to walk to the bathroom on my own.

I was having some trouble getting a stream but could push it out in spurts. There was no pain. Somewhere between 7 and 9pm I was able to pee in a single stream.

I would have to pee frequently afterwards; whenever my bladder got remotely full my stomach and pelvis began hurting, probably because of the stitches. I had to notify the nurses every time I peed because they had to chart how much came out.

My pain levels were still very low - I was now off the morphine and on a rotating IV infusion of Tylenol, Ibuprofen, and Gabapentin.  They did not have to give me another Oxy for the night.

My IV had started to go bad though, meaning: It was burning when I received the infusion, especially when it was flushed with saline. At midnight they stopped giving me the IV infusions, and gave me pills of the same medication.

Home Stay Day 1 After being released the next day, I was given mostly Tylenol and Ibuprofen to manage pain every 3 hours. I had a few Oxy’s for emergencies, and some stuff for constipation and yeast infections (because of the rounds of anti-biotics) Just In Case.

I ended up needing the constipation medicine once or twice, but I personally didn’t have any issues.

I didn’t poop during the hospital stay, but by the time I returned home I was ready. I had some issues pushing because of the pain in my stomach, but was otherwise managing by the third day without medicine.

The first day home I needed help getting out of bed, and was still sleeping a lot.

We took a short walk down the sidewalk , but I wasn’t able to go more than a couple of minutes. Mom woke me every 3 hours for medication; otherwise I slept most of the time.

Coughing would hurt my belly for several days and I had to push on my stomach to ease the pain. My throat was raspy and sore for the next 5 days. I ate a lot of cough drops.

Day 2 Day 2 was basically the same. I could walk a little further. I required an Oxy for pain, and to be able to sleep, but part of that is I had skipped a dose of Tylenol and needed it to sleep. The next several days were fine as far as pain.

Day 3 I was no longer bleeding, and was able to stay awake longer. I attempted to stretch my legs in bed, and was often more comfortable standing for a few minutes. I used my mom’s recliner chair a lot.

I found I was also having a very hard time sitting upright for any length of time, I had to lay back to be comfortable.

Stretching also caused a strange popping sensation in my pelvis. My doctor told me this was likely healing muscles stretching.

A new pain developed over the week: Flairups felt a lot like period cramps, except they didn’t recede. Ibuprofen helped some with this, but some pain was inevitable.

Etc. The next week was basically a blur. I was mostly able to eat light foods, and kept track of my liquid intake. Hydrating was EXTREMELY important; on a day I was up for going out for errands, I nearly passed out in the store. Then I remembered I hadn’t really hydrated that day.

I am making a point to walk my dog for short periods. 2 minutes. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. Etc. Walking and moving is important because blood clots can develop. I also generally feel better for it. I’m 2.5 weeks out of surgery, and I’m still easily winded. I’ve got about 20 minutes of physical activity in me before I have to rest, and a 2-3 hours of being upright and alert before needing to nap.

More Pain Stuff After a week and a half, my big non-narcotic pain med was over, and I had a huge flair up. I took the Oxy for 2 days before calling the nurse. She adjusted my Ibuprofen and Tylenol and that helped significantly.

At 2.5 weeks, I’m needing the Ibuprofen less and less, but I still have flair ups that are exhausting. I can go a whole day without it, and the next day be miserable.

I didn’t bleed for 2 weeks, but the day after my 2 week checkup, it started. My dissolvable stitches began falling out, and with that, blood clots. The blood has been dark and not-soaking through anything, which is normal. I’m still keeping an eye on it.

With the blood clots coming out, is coming pain. It’s manageable, like muscle aches, so I’m just taking my Ibuprofen and riding it out.

I’ve had a lot of trouble sitting. My lower back hurts most of the time, and I actually had to buy a new desk chair; I work from home and sit for hours, and the pain quickly became intolerable. With a nice chair came instant relief, though. It was worth the purchase.

Sex Stuff Honestly, the spike in hormones has been the weirdest thing to deal with.  The surgery happened to fall on when I was due for my period; it never came. I’m not sure how much is normal hormones, relief from internal pain, or perhaps a sexual reaction to pain since sex and pain has been connected for me, for a long time.

About a week and a half after surgery my sex drive restarted, despite any pain. I was able to orgasm using clitoral stimulation, and this did not seem to bother the stitches or cause any pain. If anything, the LACK of nausea, cramping and bleeding was confusing.

I’m still banned from using anything internally (intercourse, toys, tampons, etc) until about a month and a half out. Frankly, everything is still too sore and sensitive to consider it.

Here’s the facts:

With my ovaries remaining, I SHOULDN’T have a hormonal reaction to my uterus being removed.

There is a low to moderate chance that removing the uterus will cause my ovaries to fail; i.e. menopause.

My tumors were large. I am 31, and these were fibroids seen in people in their 50s.  They had developed their own blood vessels and were taking  blood supply from other sources on my body. With increased bloodflow to Elsewhere, there’s a possibility it’s going to my genitals and well, making me horny. I don’t know. I just know it’s been a Thing.

[sidchan]

Never (first installment)

To preface this, this is a rough draft of a novel I started years ago and decided to reboot. Keep in mind it's a veryyyy rough draft. With that in mind enjoy. I will publish as inspiration hits. This is Never.

Awakening

Steam rose from the fresh wound. Something about this was making my breathing quicken. Pressure in my gums rose. An anxious shiver shook down my spine. But above all I was thrilled. I shook as I got close enough to feel the heat rising from her skin. The coppery smell burned as I inhaled. With that every last shred of willpower I had disintegrated.

My mouth filled with the hot liquid. This is what I had craved o desperately but after the immediate rush all I could think was ‘what the fuck did I do to deserve this?’

………………………..

You never really know how long you have left. But most people but most people are not lying on their deathbed at seventeen. Most mothers are not asking their son what they want their last meal to be and all I can think of are the things I haven’t tasted. At seventeen you think you have things planned out. You think you know about the world and you are invincible. I can tell you there are many things I have not figured out and so many plans I am leaving uncompleted. Every muscle of my body is crying out to be used again before I pass on. Every neuron of my brain longing to think another thought. I regret leaving school not toughing it out and just submitting to the doctors’ prodding. I wish I could have done so many more things. I wish I would have met my dad. I long to meet the children I would have one day fathered and their beautiful mother. I don’t want to leave my mom a single woman with my little brother and no other source of income. There’s so much left to do and here I am a semi-bionic boy with IVs running in and out of me. Monitors with my oxygen levels and blood pressure reminding me how shitty my heart really is. My eyelids are heavy but my mind is left here awake and working. I am scared I will be conscious until the very end. This leaves me to wallow in my solitude a bit deeper.

“Aaron?” a small voice behind the door calls accompanied by a gentle knock.

“Come in.”

Clara, my favorite nurse approaches with her warm smile.

“How are you feeling? Are the meds still keeping you out of pain?”

“So far so good” I manage to get out in a raspy voice.

She continues by taking my vitals with pursed lips and silence. She knows better than to try using small talk to distract me. She is younger than the other nurses and seems to understand this about me. For that I am grateful but I can’t help but notice her breasts as she stretches across me to get my pillow. I will die a virgin. It’s a funny yet sad thought. I’m not sure how to react considering there is no real cure to that.

“You’re blood pressure is still low, but you are feeling well today right?” she asks.

“I feel tired but fine overall.”

“Well enough for visitors?” she pauses, “I came to check your vitals to make sure you could handle it. Considering your condition I think visitors would be a good idea.”

I nod, ‘considering my condition’ meaning how close I am to dying right? Great.

“Good, I’ll send them in immediately.”

“Thanks, Clara.”

And away she went. She left in all her vivacious, vibrant beauty. She was a real woman who was genuine and able to light anyone up. She was well suited for her job. Her pixie cut brown hair was choppy in a quirky way. And her scrubs clung to her curves in the most appealing way but she walked around focused and unaware of this fact. For that, she was even cuter.

Moments passed, I wondered who was coming to visit and why was it taking so long. The drugs make me antsy. So I distracted myself with making up stories of pursuing Clara.

“Aaron, buddy, it’s been too long!” Damon raced in the room.

“Hey.” I tried to sit up better and not look so damn miserable.

Nina, Damon’s girlfriend trailed in but I almost missed her behind Damon’s massive build.

“Hey, Aaron” she smiled.

Damon ran up to my bed and patted me so hard I thought I might break. I shifted around some more to hide my pee bag by my blanket.

“Dude, we’ve been missing you like crazy. Senior year just isn’t right without you. We need someone to play forward for the team and you’re just stuck in here. This just isn’t gonna do.” I liked the way Damon spoke to me as if there was anyway I could still play soccer let alone get up and out of this bed. We both knew I couldn’t but I never told him about being on my way out. Damon is my best friend but he has a lot more going on that he should be worried about rather than my untimely demise. Something about Nina’s somber demeanor meant she had some idea of the severity. We’ve known each other since middle school but we’ve never been that close. We played as kids and she was my first crush but as time went on we had drifted apart until she and Damon got together which made me awkward third wheel and changed our whole relationship all together. Was she here to support me or was she here just because Damon was here? It’s hard to tell. Maybe both.

Damon uncomfortable in silence started up again, “Aaron what have they been feeding you man? You look like you’re on the survivor diet. You need some food? Hey, you know what I could sneak you some food up from the cafeteria or just anywhere? What are you craving?”

“I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? I’m sure you’ve only had nasty hospital food.”

I glared down at my IV that has been feeding me for these past few days, “You know what food does sound pretty nice. Are you hungry?”

“Yeah.”

“Just bring me some of whatever you get.”

“Oh! Sure, I’ll go get you something hearty like a burger, get some meat on those bones you know what I mean? Okay well I’ll be right back guys.”

Nina remained. I couldn’t help but wonder why. Maybe she really was here to just visit me. After all of high school and barely speaking to me and now here we were alone in a hospital. Me, most likely on my death bed and Nina a long since estranged childhood friend was here. I didn’t know how to react. She was so familiar yet there was nothing I could say, nothing I knew about her new life other than what Damon told me. So here we remained silent with my mind flashing through old memories of a Nina I once knew. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking...

My heart started doing the throbbing pains its been doing for weeks. My chest burned. Why now? I just want to live like everyone else. Again my chest grew tight. Now my lungs felt constricted. I just want to eat a meal with my friends. Is that really too much to ask for? I’m sick of IVs. I’m sick of this bed and the same view from the same window. I want to go home again. Palliative care was an option. But how much time do I have? What does it matter regardless of time I have a right to live regardless of my time I already got the short end of the stick. Another throb. Fuck. These are bad. I’m not calling the nurse I don’t want more drugs to erase my memories. Every last one is precious and I’m not giving any of them up. My breathing is getting worse, more shallow. I clenched my fists.

“Are you okay? You’re starting to sweat.” Nina approached the bedside.

“I’m fine.” I’m not.

“Aaron you’re shaking.”

“I’m fine.”

“I’m calling the nurse!”

Something in me snapped above all the pain. No. I was not facing more meds. I was not being sedated back into my half living state. If I am dying I will die with dignity. I would not succumb. I am done with being a human pin cushion. The rest of my life has to have something more to it. I can’t die this way, feeble and broken.

“NO!” a sudden shudder of strength came about me. Maybe this is the burst of endorphins right before death people have told me about. I throw my legs to the side of the bed. I am not dying in this hospital. Fuck that. The heart monitors began beeping faster and louder. Off went my IVs and every other contraption that held me down in that damn bed.

“Aaron?” Nina now stood next to me. “What are you doing?”

Another wave of energy surged through me.

“I-I can’t stay here!” I had no idea what I was going to do except run. Run with the time I still had left. My room fortunately enough was on the first floor. I opened the sliding window and jumped to the ground that was about three feet down. I landed on the balls of my feet and just continued running.