#i wont tag his name i dont want others reliving it

[werewolfmind]

TW Dec 18 tw Depression tw suicide

long rant, venting, stream of consciousness

PLEASE DONT READ if youre in any way vulnerable to this event. I’m hurting so much tonight and help is appreciated, but this is more like a letter/prayer to him than anything else.

my heart hurts so much tonight, I just prayed to Jonghyun but I cant stop missing him and feeling the hole he left in the world

Its been almost 2 years, almost a full year since I let myself grieve and try to heal....I cant yet

I still see the world as Before he left and After he left

I cant listen to SHINee or any of their solo projects without thinking of what I knew Before and what I’ve discovered After.

I’m so ashamed to say its what brought me back and made me a true shawol, because i was so miserable and angry and upset I had overlooked someone so beautiful and talented. But would I have come back to them otherwise? Would I have discovered how amazing Taemin was, would I be a part of the SuperM hype right now or even know about it?? Im not sure

I believe everything happens for a reason as far as us being lead in the direction we need to go. But I also believe what happened was the destructive and awful derailing that was never meant to happen. Maybe me being led to SHINee through it was a way to cope and my way of making sure I never experienced it again. But what about what DID happen?

Ive been wondering all day: If Jonghyun was still alive, would he be in SuperM? Would it be him instead of Taemin, or would it be the two of them? What wouldve happened if he couldve been saved, even just by a few seconds? What if I had reached out?

I know that last one is ridiculous savior-complex stuff, I couldnt save him, no one person could do that, certainly not a stranger even if they are a devoted fan.

But I cant stop going through What Ifs.

What if I had come back to the fandom in 2014, like I had a passing thought to? What if I had actually had a few years to know him, to see him for the artist he was, to experience that. Before he was gone.

I’ve had...daydreams or fantasies arent the right words, but thoughts, images...of how it couldve turned out.

I feel like I dont deserve to be his or SHINees fan sometimes. Does part or most of my love for him/them come from what happened? From my regret? Or because I truly value them??

I’m trying to live well for him, and I pray to him to keep me strong.

But I cant stop seeing Before and After, I cant stop HATING myself every day for not knowing him because I was BUSY? I couldve had time with him. And maybe it wouldve made things worse, but I wouldnt be being eaten alive by this feeling that im a fake fan and that I love someone so deeply that I never knew and never will. And now I cant look back on old videos or new (to me) songs without thinking that Ive missed something I can never get back

Its not as simple as a live show or a fan meet. It’s YOU. 

I know its not as simple as you being here; you were in pain, and I would never wish for you to return to that. But theres always hope, and I wish you couldve found it an kept going. Maybe things couldve changed.. Maybe you could get the help and security you deserved.

I wish I didnt know. I wish you’d never done it I wish someone found you before it was too late I wish someone had said the right thing I wish I had known I wish I had cherished you more I wish I’d never found SHINee I wish I’d been involved more

I will regret it all for my entire life, I know that in my soul. How can I get past this?I dont know how to deal with this, how to stop being angry at myself and stop seeing before and after and just see YOU and SHINEE and your brothers. See Taemin’s success. See how much they love each other and you. See the talent and hear just the music,I havent been able to do that since I found out...

Shawols always say you were more than what happened, and I know that. But lately, its all I can think about when anything close to you comes up. How do I fix that? How do I stop thinking about how much I just wish you were here, now. Please tell me how to stop seeing only the misery--if you know that now, up in Heaven, I could really use some help.

[nerdepic]

and whilst im on it and dont Really Fuckin Want to have to reiterate any more, heres a goddamn breakdown okay

i hate the way this fandom treats gay people. 

gay men are not written as human beings. they are written as sex toys. they are written to be abused and raped for sexual gratification. and honestly i find this fucking disgusting, that another human would see the abuse and think its hot. 

this applies doubly for fics sexualizing child abuse and childhood sexual assault.  

i sincerely hope you seek help as to why you find raping and abusing people (especially children) sexy, because its just... not healthy. 

the reason why im so against these types of things is because 

fanfic is usually gay kids first experiences with gay media, especially if theyre still in the closet. this can and will lead them into thinking abuse is normal and they should expect it from their partners. 

because of this, im also totally for protected and clean and safe sex in fics too, 

abusers will use this content to groom their victims. (it happened to me, i was sodomised at age 13 thanks to works like these). 

its a lame excuse to say “well, SANE people would understand its just fiction” because like. if you tell any adult of any disposition “this sexual act feels good” theyre likely to attempt it. 

“i didnt write this for abusers so its a misuse” well if you write content like this, you need to be ready to handle the consequences of it BEING misused. its your creation, you have to deal with the consequences that a kid got attacked because of your fic

if you look at kids being abused and find it sexy, thats so immoral and unethical i cant even begin. why do you sexualise kids. thats disgusting. 

“ive put an authors note and tagged correctly so i can do what i want” yeah because ~everyone knows~ abusers heed warnings and tags. its a cop out so you dont have to consider what it is youre actually writing. 

seeing these situations as sexually gratifying is fetishizing abuse. thats why i call it that, because thats what it is.

now, this isnt me saying you cant write “dark issues”. i just want ppl to think about the angle theyre portraying them at.

this is a BIG DIFFERENCE and this difference is IMPORTANT.

also, fic is in so way shape or form comparable to videogames, porn, or movies, since all three things are regulated and can be banned. if a porn actor loses one piece of documentation they arent allowed to act. movie and games have been banned before for intense violence. all three still depict graphic sexual violence from times to time, and this is CONSTANTLY battled against by activist groups. 

fic is much more open world and pretty much only taken down if its plagiarism. there are no restrictions and can be accessed by anyone, and thats why its important to talk about these issues.

as for why the “coping mechanisms” excuse doesnt work:

if youre reliving your abuse with these fics thats not healthy. especially if youre sexualizing and romanticizing it. all youre doing is justifying in your mind that you deserved it, or that it wasnt really abuse. 

i know it can be difficult to move past romanticizing your abuser (most victims do this), but its the best thing to do. otherwise youre putting yourself in danger of being abused again either by the same person or someone else. you need to understand that abuse is bad, and you need to understand how bad the extent of your abuse was in order to begin moving forward. this process wont happen if youre refusing to take off your rose tinted glasses. 

you cant write a detailed sexual fic of a minor being abused and say “fiction doesnt affect reality so writing this means nothing” and then in the same breath say its how you “cope”. thats hypocritical since youre literally saying it affects your reality. 

coping mechanisms can be unhealthy! i used to self harm to cope, and it was bad for me! i was hurting myself! if i said i dealt with my anger by beating up my boyfriend, that would be unhealthy and abusive! 

this fandom wrote a fic where 17 yearold link who is implied to have a mental handicap gets drugged and raped by 40+ year old rhett and the comments were saying it was hot when he cried out in pain. this fandom wrote and supported a fic where jewish link gets recused from nazi germany by rhett. this fandom wrote and supported a fic where stevie gets corrective raped by r&l. this fandom wrote and supported a fic where rhetts WIFE jessie dresses up and roleplays as link whilst rhett has sex with her. 

and away from fic, people ALWAYS oversexualise. on every post is a sexual comment. ive banned them on my own posts and i still get them, even after saying i dont consent to them. 

no one says anything because yall react poorly to ANY criticism and people are afraid of yall. 

 and anyway:

i namedropped because they namedropped me. calling me a little shit and an ass and a bully. ive been called homophobic slurs. ive had people tell me im not really gay because im trans as well as other transphobic bs. my friends have received asks calling me names because they dare to interact with me. 

the anon sending me bullshit left a trail on my statcounter so it was easy to point out who was sending me hate. if youre saying im stalking youre giving me too much credit for what was literally copy and pasting an ip address into google. i dont care that much about you to waste my time like that. im sorry for that but only that. 

[clearvenus]

 sims q and a tag!!

tagged by @numinousxsims <3

sim’s  name: Haeju Ito-Freeman

1. whats your sims favorite food? she loves her grandma’s cooking, especially when she makes chicken tatsuta. she only gets to try it when her family goes on trips to see her dad’s side of the family in japan.

2. what’s your sims favorite color? midnight blue!

3. What is your sim’s zodiac sign? sagittarius

4. Does your sim believe in “love at first sight”? oh ya

5. What is your sim’s sexuality? she’s not really sure atm!

6. Is your Sim a cat or dog person? shes a cat person! she doesnt mind dogs but she likes the elegance of cats

7. Adding to the previous question, if your sim were to have a cat and/or dog, what kind/breed(s) would it be? easily a bombay cat

8. Does your Sim have a best friend? sammy! they’ve known each other since middle school

9. Does your Sim have a favorite life stage? teen years! everything is interesting and new minus the stress of young adult hood

10. What is your sim’s ethnicity? well her dads half japanese and half irish, and her mom is korean!

11. If your Sim could travel to anywhere in the world, where would they visit? rio! sammy’s brazilian and he always visits to see his cousins. haeju always gets mad because her parents wont let her go with him (they dont her traveling out of country without them)

12. If your Sim was a castaway on a distant, uncharted island, who would they bring? her mom and dad, probably. can’t survive without em

13. Does your Sim have a favorite tv show and/or movie? she really likes netflix originals like stranger things and the oa, as for movies she loves the mist

14. Does your sim believe in the “simulation theory”? ofc, she’s a master conspirator 

15. Does your Sim have a favorite kind of clothing to wear? she tends to go for the “goth gf” look 

16. Does your Sim have a lucky charm? she doesn’t know if it counts as a charm BUT she has a lucky bra. it fits like magic and good shit just seems to happen when she wears it

17. What kind of music or singers does your sim listen to? old crystal castles, old charli xcx, the smiths, bjork, flyleaf and within temptation when she feels like reliving her middle school days, and grimes

18. Does your Sim have a favorite family activity to do together? for regular family stuff they have movie mondays where they rotate on who decides what movie they want to watch, and during the summer they take a 3 week vacation to japan to visit her dad’s family. 

19. What is your sim’s age?  18

20. Does your Sim have a dream job? she wants to have either an occult bookstore or run an underground club in the city

21. What is your sim’s favorite beverage? peppermint hot chocolate during the winter and fall, and fruit infused water during the warmer seasons

22. What is your sim’s favorite dessert? seongpyeon

23. Does your Sim have any siblings?  if so, do they get along with all of them?  little sister who i haven’t revealed yet that is 12 years old! haeju loves her lil sister and they get along great!

24. What activity/hobby makes your sim the happiest? watching horror movies, looking up spooky (cryptids)/occult stuff on the internet, andddd taking naps 

25. If you could meet your sim, would you be friends with them? wow. yes. i love her so much and she’d prolly be too cool for me

not tagging anyone for this one! if you havent been tagged and wanna do it just say i tagged ya :^)