#i wont be living on campus anymore so idk how easy it would be to set up

[ninashiki]

made a letterboxd...in my movie era

[ohkimani]

(i g n o r e) -k.

i had a pretty good day today though even though it took me like 6 hours to do laundry haha i got to hang with greta, melissa and bailey while we sat around a decorated a cake for maddie and painting on the beer pong table. then lilli came over and we went to daniel’s place where we painted, ate, and watched the coachella live stream and honestly it was so chill. i was a little uneasy about bringing lilli over to daniel’s because i wasnt sure how they would interact. and since daniel is pretty much here in LA by himself and lilli was a little sad about not being with her family for Easter, i just decided ‘what the hell’ and figured it would be nice for all of us to just chill together. especially for lilli so she has a chance to be outside of campus and hang out with people she wont see everyday. daniel is pretty easy to be yourself around so im sure she enjoyed that. i know daniel is afraid of like getting too lonely or what ever but i wont let that happen. before it felt like kind of a duty to go over there and check on him but now i realize that i need to get away from routine every now and then too and being able to do that with two people i consider myself really close to it pretty cool :) so we just sat on the floor and painted so i got to finish maddie’s birthday gift and one of jessie’s gifts while lilli worked on a jellyfish for her bf! it was so nice and relaxing until Lorde’s performance came on and we all lost our shit. also Hans Zimmer’s set was lit as hell and i will gladly fight anyone who disagrees. 

i feel like this quarter, it’s gotten so hard for me to want to actually want to do work. like i want to do well in my classes, especially since i actually like them but i just dont have the motivation anymore because i guess im like focused on getting myself together outside of the classroom. like im finding organizations to get involved in and finding little jobs to do like the museum one which i really hope i get. it’s so weird having all of this time now but it also kind of isnt because now i get a chance to expand and experience college shit. this week/weekend was so packed with friends and partying from wednesday all the way to right now as im laying in bed, eyes barely open while just typing what ever comes to mind because i know i need to just let everything out of my system at some point. 

ive found a new feeling around my friends now. im not really paranoid about how i am around them and i think that’s because once i stepped away from a toxic friendship, i finally saw how healthy the friendships i have now really are, you know? none of them hurt me physically or emotionally on purpose or by accident. we’re all here to help each other grow and i only wish that for everyone else. a support system that doesnt hold you back from being your best version of you possible. friends you dont have to walk through minefields with, afraid that making the wrong step would set something off that you’re just not prepared for. i enjoy the people im around. ive found myself more at ease and wanting to be there for everyone more than ever now. after having the smallest most incorrect thing said about me being “a bad friend” i just felt like....i had to be VERY extra about how good of a friend i am now. im not selfishly isolating anymore but im also not making everyone else’s problems my own. im there to be moral support in hospitals, im there to be a pair of ears over tea while you spill your feelings, im there when you need a laugh and im there when your hunched over a bush and need your hair held. 

another new era. this is who i am now. not constantly trying to prepare for the future but being alive right now and feeling experiencing everything possible. i find myself more willing to take up part time jobs that can teach me something new and also help me out with extra cash for what ever reason. school is almost coming to an end for me and even though i have a pretty solid sum to fall onto when post-grad hits, it’s never a bad idea to have extra money you know? idk there’s something exciting about doing little things like applying for part-time jobs to fill spaces track used to occupy, being more involved and being a support system my friends can fall back on. idk im pretty excited about everything. 

of course im still a little peeved about the psych shit i have to go through monthly but ive gotten better. it’s so strange how all it takes is letting someone go to make you see life through a brighter, happier lens you. im more grateful for the people, things, and opportunities around me. i havent counted calories in days (wooh!) but i am still drinking lots of water and doing my stretches but im trying not to over exercise and b*nge through long runs and what not. im getting better at that but i can only hope this isnt one of the high ups before a really low down. having my mom here really helped me put so much into perspective. my problems are so minor and bearable. sometimes you just need an 8 hour road trip with your mom. sometimes you need the empty silence or the conversations filled with complaints or new found knowledge that she already knew but is excited to hear that ive discovered what she did when she was my age. 

she left me a bottle of hennessy on my bed with “love, mom” written on it. i dont think ill ever open that bottle.