#i wonder when I'll finally be gone and decompose

[masked-and-doomed]

Nothing I do means anything to her so really why should I still live?

[bew-berry]

I found out my grandfather passed away alone in his sleep on Friday in Mexico and they found him Tuesday in his bed. He was already decomposing by then and they buried him right away. I guess they finally noticed (unfuckingbelievable) that he hadn't called or wasn't around after three fucking days. His friends were the ones who called my dad and asked for permission to break into the house because doors were locked and there was a smell...it was him.

I just...I feel like I have no right to be this upset, even though I am, because I wasn't there and hadn't gone to see him in years but my dad's side of the family doesn't have the best relationship with us and part of the reason I avoided going was to not deal with them and their shit. But I just...I can't believe the negligence from my relatives to not think "hey I haven't heard from dad/grandpa. I wonder if he's okay? Maybe I should call."

They just left him alone. Who cooked for him? Who looked out for him? I can't stop thinking about it and it's driving me insane. He deserved better. He lived with them and they couldn't be bothered to do the simplest thing like check on him when he went alone to Mexico. Not even the uncle who lives near that house... He was their father. Like what the fuck I'm so torn up over that.

I don't speak to my dad much but I still check on him and when the time comes of course I'll be there to help care of him. He's my dad. Same with my mom. I could never do what they did. It's heartbreaking. I need to see my grandma before it's too late. At least to say my goodbyes. She's heartbroken and I don't want to miss out on the chance to let her know I love her and that I'm sorry for not going sooner. That I hope she doesn't think of us as horrible grandkids for not visiting as much.

My grandpa deserved so much better than this. He wasn't a mean person. He was actually very funny and I loved him. He would always make me laugh. This sucks...not even a year that my uncle passed and now my poor grandpa. I hope my dad is okay. I really hope he's okay. He's diabetic and I don't want him to get sick.

Sigh...it was a terrible day and I'm tired. I'm so tired.