#i wonder when I'll finally be gone and decompose

[masked-and-doomed]

Nothing I do means anything to her so really why should I still live?

[wxvzkk]

I yearn so much. For you, for me, for something. I want things I know I was never meant to have. I was put onto this earth to want. I was born to watch others have the life I wish so deeply for. I sit seemingly content but the longer I wait the quicker the chance to stop it all comes. I have long accepted the fact that I will not have what I yearn for. I have accepted that I won't ever have what I want. I've accepted that until I am already decomposing, I won't be seen. Those flowers I have wished for, to be felt wanted, to be me, I will never have it. I know all of this and it's something I've accepted. I will spend my last days knowing I'll finally get what I want. I know how those who have ignored my signs and cries for help will react. They'll blame themselves, sob to other people and ask how could they have missed it? How could they have let me come to this?

My mom will mourn her baby, never seeing me as her son but there won't be much I can do about it when I'm gone. My sisters will cry, guilt overtaking them as they realize my jokes were no longer just that. That no matter how many times they reminded me of my worth, of how they need me, it wasn't enough; Kass will cry, I'll be the reason for her life going worse than it is now. The added stress will cause her to fall deeper into her own emotions. Rora will fall deeper into the path we have all feared for ourselves, she'll use substances to cope while her dreams and aspirations become simply dreams, something unreachable and I will be to blame. Angela will use this to gain sympathy points, it won't be about me, rather her. She will do just as she did to her brother before me, use our death as a way to excuse her behavior, the only difference is that she won't be able to use seeing my body as an excuse. Justin, I'm not even sure how he would react. I know he loves me, hes one of the few people who actually make me feel loved. He's accepted me and watched me grow up, becoming a father-like figure to me. I know he will mourn me, it might cause him to have walls, fearing of opening up and wondering if it was his fault at all, or if there was anyway to stop me. My nephews, those poor boys, will never know me. I'll be to them what my uncle was to me, a story, a concept. Someone they know of but never know. Manolo is older, he might remember me. Faded reminders of my touch, voice, and my face will flood his memories when I'm brought up, he will wonder where I went and why I'm not there anymore. Marco may not even remember me, its a blessing and curse at the same time. I hope, that if I go, he does. I hope he knows in his heart the memories we share. I hope they both do. I hope they have memories of my days with them. I hope I'm not a story. I hope I inspire them, I hope they wish to have me near them. I hope they look up to me. If my sisters choose to have more children, I will never know them. They will hear about me and sit in silence to what brought me to this, how my fate had taken me down this path. They will be told of my achievements and aspirations and wonder what took me to the edge. My sweet baby Olli will know, she'll know I'm gone. I won't be coming back. She'll know. I know she will. She'll cry and wonder why I left. She'll be the one to sit next to my lifeless body, wondering what happened to her dad. She'll be the one I spend my last moments with. She'll be there as I take my last breath. I hope she will nuzzle closer to me as she notices I'm leaving, I hope I can feel her warmth as the last thing I notice. I hope her warmth overtakes the pain and its all I notice.

It scares me, the fact knowing if I follow through with this that I will never hold my nephews. That I will never feel their touch. Never hear their laughs as I tickle them and rough house. I won't go visit them and I won't play video games for them. I won't cook their food, I won't change them, I won't play with them. I will never be there in their lives again. I will never know the future generations that I should know. It scares me that in my heart, I've accepted it. I sit here, crying, and I think about the weight of all this. Never having a future like I want, knowing that I'm no longer joking whenever I say something about taking my life. The fact that when I 'joke' its a cry for help. Its become a sob at this point. I'm not hiding from anyone that I need help. Whats worse is no one seems to care. Its hard to sit here, doing everything I can to have an adult, maybe even a child, help me but instead I watch them ignore it all. Isn't it shitty that I, a child, have resorted to this as a final attempt for help? The only way I can see myself getting the attention that could bring help is by doing this, is that selfish of me? Is it wrong of me to want help? Will I ever get help? Or will I finally have enough and take my life? It seems the path I am going down will be the worse option.

I don't wish for these to be my final days. I know I don't. Deep in my heart, I want to keep living, I want to keep creating memories, I want to live. But this is so hard, to sit here, to feel so useless, to feel empty, alone, ugly. Too many things to even mention. I feel horrible, I am a horrible person. I know there are people out there who hate me. I know some are closer to me than others. I know people wish I wasn't in their live. I know people look back on the memories with me and resent them. And I know they won't read this, but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you.

I'm so scared. A part of me isn't, but most of me is. If I do this, will anyone even care? I know people say they do but I dont feel cared for at all. I don't feel like you want me here. How do I believe you? I'm stupidly emotional, I'm selfish. I sit here, thinking of how people try to reach out but I am too terrified of putting a burden onto someone that I say nothing. People know I'm not okay. They watch me, I know they do. They know I'm not okay. I wish one of them would help me. But I dont even know if I actually want help, what help could they even give me? These are my problems, not theirs. I'm tempted to telling my therapist of my thoughts but I'm scared of then me being put into a facility. I was already threatened with it and I'm not sure I even want to go there. Well, I know I don't want to.

I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry if I do go through with this. I'm sorry if you feel guilt. I'm sorry if I'm no longer there for you. I'm sorry. I just want my sisters to know even if I do end up doing it. Its not your fault, or anything that could have been stopped. Clearly yall have been trying for years lol. I'm sorry that the last days I spent with you were full of fighting and I'm sorry for making you worry. I hope, that if it happens, you guys will continue to live. I hope you guys will be happy. Don't forget me, don't let the boys forget me. That's all I ask.

[bew-berry]

I found out my grandfather passed away alone in his sleep on Friday in Mexico and they found him Tuesday in his bed. He was already decomposing by then and they buried him right away. I guess they finally noticed (unfuckingbelievable) that he hadn't called or wasn't around after three fucking days. His friends were the ones who called my dad and asked for permission to break into the house because doors were locked and there was a smell...it was him.

I just...I feel like I have no right to be this upset, even though I am, because I wasn't there and hadn't gone to see him in years but my dad's side of the family doesn't have the best relationship with us and part of the reason I avoided going was to not deal with them and their shit. But I just...I can't believe the negligence from my relatives to not think "hey I haven't heard from dad/grandpa. I wonder if he's okay? Maybe I should call."

They just left him alone. Who cooked for him? Who looked out for him? I can't stop thinking about it and it's driving me insane. He deserved better. He lived with them and they couldn't be bothered to do the simplest thing like check on him when he went alone to Mexico. Not even the uncle who lives near that house... He was their father. Like what the fuck I'm so torn up over that.

I don't speak to my dad much but I still check on him and when the time comes of course I'll be there to help care of him. He's my dad. Same with my mom. I could never do what they did. It's heartbreaking. I need to see my grandma before it's too late. At least to say my goodbyes. She's heartbroken and I don't want to miss out on the chance to let her know I love her and that I'm sorry for not going sooner. That I hope she doesn't think of us as horrible grandkids for not visiting as much.

My grandpa deserved so much better than this. He wasn't a mean person. He was actually very funny and I loved him. He would always make me laugh. This sucks...not even a year that my uncle passed and now my poor grandpa. I hope my dad is okay. I really hope he's okay. He's diabetic and I don't want him to get sick.

Sigh...it was a terrible day and I'm tired. I'm so tired.