#i won't stop ppl from calling me that as a joke but i do not expect it

[vermillioncrown]

Should we be calling you ✨Dr. Verm✨ now??

super late congrats

🙈 thank u

no no no pls don't, like i said in an earlier ask, i find it kinda gauche to force ppl on the internet to call me that bc it's not relevant in our day-to-day of tungling on this webbed site

(yes yes there's the feminist argument of fighting for the acknowledgment, but my real name is not attached to this blog and god fucking forbid it ever is, so it renders dr whomstever moot)

[lovscb97]

bang chan recs (18+)

key: !!! = personal favourite, s = smut, f = fluff, a = angst

add. notes: hai :3 i know i said i would make a skz recs list but the minute i scrolled thru my likes n started saving from chan onwards, i realised i had Too many recommended fics for him (this list is like 40 fics/drabbles long....) so i decided to just make member separate posts instead!!! i tried not to have repeats of authors to give u guys a broader scope to choose from n also sorry in advance that i yapped so much abt them it's just like . these r my all time fav authors so it's expected. anyways i hope u guys love these works as much as i do bcs they r from some of my absolute fav creators n plz give them lots of love n always make sure to appreciate these ppl <3

. . .

hopelessly devoted to you — @changbunnies (!!!, s, a?)

this was literally a 11/10 fic like i am not even joking rn. i luv greaser chan n even tho he messed up, the way he makes it up to mc is so so soooo sweet. the fact that he's so gone n pussydrunk while eating her out, the sweetness in how he holds her n fucks her is all too mindnumbing n i hope u continue writing bcs u r amazing at it!! i will always come back 2 this when i need a pick me up fr

2. bad idea — @hyunsvngs (!!!, s)

JUNOOOOO my lovely baby.... i adore u n all ur work always but this fic. This Fic. it changed the trajectory of my life. like not even kidding but i was a different person when i started reading this n when i finished it i was Changed. life is worth living now, the grass is greener n the birds always sing 2 me which i firmly believe is bcs of u n this beautiful yummy fic. i fucking LOVE stepdad chan sm like there's smth so gross n nasty abt fucking ur mom's bf n even tho mc is a menace, i still loved it. never stop doing what u do!!!

3. 1095 days — @luvyeni (s)

EX INMATE CHAN RAHHHHH!! i have akshewally been following ur work for so long n i LOVE!! the way u write :3 thank u for always churning out ur work so fast n being so good at what u do. im obv a sucker for daddy kink considering i eat it up every time n it's so fucking good i love how chan cares for mc n the way he gives it to her once he's back. mark my words i will EAT this man up n this fic whenever i stumble across it

4. milk and honey — @straykeedz (s, f, a?)

user straykeedz u have to stop... ur work too addicting n perfect.. ur depiction of chan too real n crazy (/pos)... they're gonna get u... but seriously i love bffs2lovers so bad n the way u always characterise chan n make him call mc so many cute pet names melts my heart :( i've also been following U for a long time n even tho everything u write is so so soooo good, this has to be one of my faves alongside ur inexperienced chan fic. i hope u don't pressure urself too much to update n jus do what u have to do :D

5. my wife — @chrizzztopherbang (s, f)

ngl i Think this is my first fic from u cus i followed u bcs of it n that's a given honestly cus newly turned husband chan?? eating his wife out metres away from his friends n family on the other side of the door n fucking her within an inch of her life right after they're pronounced husband n wife?? i love it i loved their bickering over who's a pervert n i just love the idea of mc finally calling the love of her life hers forever. i hope they r always happy alongside u

6. sweet nothing — @frenchkisstheabyss (!!!, s, f, a)

this fic actually changed me as a person too not even kidding. i EAT UP exes to lovers n the portrayal of it was so good here bcs there's so much unspoken tension between the two n then chan begging mc to not leave again n her promising she won't bcs all she wants to do is be his at last?? AWOOGAAAAA i need him so bad it's jinja michin (i am so cringe sorry..) ANYWAYS!! i hope u know tattoo artist + ex bangchan is a crazy combo n that the makeup sex was HOT HOT HOT!!! plz keep writing i adore u <3

7. pick you up — @moonchild9350 (!!!, s)

see idk if this is tmi but sex where ure being picked up n fucked is downright nasty in the best possible way n i fear i need to get railed like that by chan so u writing abt is literally u making my fantasies come true. this fic was a delicious mix of cute w chan telling mc he only works out so he can pick her up (based off of his bbl texts obv) n hot w him Actually fucking her within an inch of her life. i love all ur work tee bee eich so keep doing what ur doing!!!

8. spring has sprung — @cbini (!!!, f, s)

miss ems where do i even begin with u.. (u probably Do Not Know me but i know u smirk emoji. soz that was weird erm but ya i am the binnie anon who said u deserve changbin LOLZ) this fic was the perfect mix of cuteness w raw passionate fucking i love the idea of chan getting hard bcs ur dressed so preciously in a pretty dress i think it's rooted somewhere in his slight corruption kink which comes out def when u r all dolled up for him. anyways u never miss n i hope u know that <3

9. walking in on rooomate!chan / pt. 2 — @kacciidubs (!!!, s, f)

going 2 be very honest here i do not even remember what happened in part 1 bcs part 2 of this roommate chan fic actually blew my mind away like Seriously user kacciidubs u r insane!!! all ur work never misses n i am always so eager whenever u post bcs i've been following u n loving everything u put out for so long. ofc ur chan work is my favourite as u can tell but this fic... this fic was crazy the switch between daddy n sir oh my god what if i cream my pants rn. plz never stop writing <3

10. last nerve / pt. 2 — @cb97percent (!!!, s)

user cb97percent let me just preface this by saying whatever u write is INSANE. like i already knew u were a great writer but this fic? changed me as a person not even joking rn. the way mc n chan banter n how chan's an asshole who is pissed off how he can't get it up anymore unless he fucks mc is so funny n how the raw passion between them results in the best sex Ever. n ofc the ending w minho took me out n Yea i just . i have no words plz never stop writing to u as well

11. hush — @petrichor-han (s)

sucker for exhibitionism n sucker for chan so what better way to comemorate this occasion than by reading abt it? this entire scenario was so hot like honestly i can totally imagine chan's bitchass doing this bcs he's so cheeky in nature he would lose himself from the thrill of almost getting caught. u r amazing as always thank u for churning out so much content for kinktober may god or whoever u believe in bless u with eternal inspiration

12. daddy!chan helping you shave — @hyunjins-orange-slice-too (!!!, s, f)

i sent u an ask already talking abt how much i love u n everything u write but THIS. this made me weak in the knees bcs i have imagined this very scenario so many times if im being brutally honest. there's smth so sweet n domestic abt the act of helping ur partner shave n with daddy chan in the mix? kill me now plz. the way he asks if he can play w mc once he's done n how he sternly instructs her to be safe like omgkjdfjhjdfgjhhjg need him in ways that give the pits of hell a run for its money w how hot n nasty im abt to be fr

13. one last time — @baby-yongbok (!!!, s, a?)

like i said, i am a sucker for the exes to lovers pipeline alongside husband chan so while this isn't Either of those things entirely it still scratches the itch in my brain very very well. the way mc n chan exchange snarky remarks n how chan only says he's satisfied once they're done fucking OHHHH MYYYYY GODDDD... need this man carnally like i would dump him just so he can fuck me the way he fucked mc in this fr (that is a lie we r locked in 4 life). u r brilliant as always i always look forward to ur work so next time u r questioning if this is worth it just know lovscb97 on tumblr has ur back fr

14. chan ask drabble #1 — @skzms (s)

maymay.. my eternal luvr... the genius behind smrsmf minsung... ofc u were bound to eat this up n end up on this list. idgaf if it's just an ask answer or drabble bcs the way u write is so . so Elegant. i love how u always use ur words to describe the emotion lingering between ppl in love n the way u do it here w chan n mc, the way he reassures her afterwards n how he promises her he'll give her everything later while fucking his fingers into her ohhhh mannnn.. i can just imagine him in his suit thank u for bringing the vision to life fr

15. you're right, baby — @chlorinecake (s, f)

soft dom chan who is ur fiancé fucking u n claiming u bcs he's a lil pouty that u forgot ur ring?? n then going so far to say he'll cum in u to make sure everyone knows who u belong to?? RAHHHHHH HE NEEDS ME!!! this was written so deliciously i loved the way mc n chan cared for each other n also the ending was so cute LOLZ hope they r happy in every universe n that their wedding goes great fr u r an awesome writer user chlorinecake

16. silence — @valkyriexo (s, a)

make up sex make up sex make up sex!!! i love it so good even tho it hurts so bad when mc realises chan forgot to show up :( but the fact that he makes it up to her by begging her to not leave him n making her cum as many times on his tongue as possible for her to forgive him?? INSANITY!! the longing in their eyes n words n actions from how much they've missed e/o when he finally touches mc n oh man.. u ate this up

17. corruption — @goquokka00 (s)

STEPBRO CHAN RAHHHHH i am a sucker for him (in more ways than one iygwim eheheh.. soz) i loved the sinister blackmail u added into the story n how he fucked mc bcs of her bad grades by making up some shit excuse abt learning how to please someone like y/n u can't be this dense girl!!! (i'd do it too if he asked me #Tbh) ANYWAYS. idk how this didn't have more notes bcs it was hot asfk i hope u keep writing more stuff to come :3

18. chef's kiss — @hyuniepies (s, f)

the tenderness of mc n chan's love mixed w the nasty dirty talk ohhhh hyuniepies u r a GENIUS!! this is exactly how i imagine domestic life w chan would be like; him coming back home to u cooking a dinner n then fucking u absolutely silly on the countertop bcs he just can't wait after getting a look at ur figure n bcs he's missed u so much. i too would be obsessed w bangchan if (read: when) he becomes my husband teehee

19. chan ask drabble #2 — @miupow (!!!, s)

USER MIUPOW UR FUCKING BRAIN!! HOW DO U CARRY SUCH A HUGE BRAIN IN UR HEAD!!! DOES UR BACK NOT HURT FROM HOLDING UP THE DELICIOUS IDEAS OF BCHAN SIZE KINK!!! like i told u yst i love ur writing n i love U so bad. u always eat w every request or idea u come up with n i absolutely adore that for u i hope u truly never stop writing bcs u have a serious gift n i hope ppl keep telling u that constantly bcs i sure as hell will <3

20. pretty mouth of yours — @jeongin-lvr (s, f)

need to give chan head like . Yesterday. but OHHHH MEINNNN GOTTTT fiancé channie w mc sucking him off so pretty u know exactly what im a sucker for u dont u user jeongin-lvr? ur writing is tooooooo good i swear i have read so much of ur work n granted this is one of my fave chan works from u icl i love the jeongin ones even more but i'll add those to my innie recs list later :3 ANYWAYS!! plz never stop writing u r awesomesauce (cringe.) n i love u hope u r having a great day today

21. daddy issues — @hwan-g (!!!, s, a)

HELLO THIS FUCKING FICCCCC... it is so good so delicious so fucking beautifully written that it brought tears to my eyes no joke. i still remember the first time i stumbled across it n like wow.. i think i dmed u on my side reading account too to express how much i liked it bcs i rly Did like it truly was a piece of art n sometimes i can't believe ppl like u just write stuff like this for free?? u should be getting paid good money bcs all ur work ALWAYS eats <3

22. closing the distance / pt. 2 — @thefantasyden (s, f)

ik long distance relationships r tough n it's awful when u can't spend time w each other physically or touch either but hear me out . it would Not suck w chan bcs he'd do everything for u the way he does everything for mc in this fic. from how he shows up n is too nervy to kiss her to them finally touching each other for the first time n then she moves back to him?? ohhhh man i love love n i love U for making this ur work always eats n trust that i'll always come back to this fic when i need to rmb how much i love chan

23. riding chan's thigh/knees — @faeryacha (!!!, s, f)

i love daddy chan so bad im sorry im not even gonna hide it anymore n i love the way he was written here too, from the way he asks if mc wants to play to the way he has her fuck herself on him to get herself off like i'm not even into little space like that but the minute he refers to himself as daddy n speaks to me all soft n protective im on my knees on the floor ready to suck him off like my life depends on it. u ate so bad w this plz continue doing more amazing work in the future!!!

24. steamy desires — @notsoangels (s)

shower sex w chan mngnghfhghgh.. need him so bad id let him fuck me anywhere as he pleases but in the shower?? w the hot water cascading over us w just us in our little world like omgomgomg NEED. i love the simplicity in ur writing too n how it paints a picture in my mind bcs i can vividly imagine all of this happening like him making u squirt on his cock n then rinsing u off so u can spend time wrapped up with each other on the bed like plz. One chance plz.

25. the fuckboy next door — @seospicybin (!!!, s, a)

miss seospicybin.. how do u always do it? how do u always come out w the most mindbreaking jawdropping amazing insane array of fics without even breaking a sweat like hello? this series is so fucking good from the smut to the angst that hurts so good. i love the development of the plot n that chan tries So hard to be true to mc so he can be w her n the way she tells him to do it for himself like :( they deserve each other sm i am very much looking forward to part 4!!!

26. pussydrunk chan — @aeliuss (s, f)

mngngngngjghgh i love pussydrunk chan so bad n i love the idea of him being so infatuated w mc that he just Had to drag her away n eat her out. i also love that he's there to support her in the end n how turned on he gets from her just being herself like that is a real man!!! n the way it's so reflective of how chan is irl too? i feel like this is how exactly how he'd behave— needy but so so soo in love with u too

27. kitty — @bandgie (!!!, s, f)

no joke this fic made my pussy throb. i need him 2 do this to him so bad bcs i need Him so bad. the way u wrote the subspace drop n how immersed mc was in her role n the way chan guides her thru everything n then the aftermath of it like hngnngnfgddjghjgh... i always have loved ur writing but this particular piece rly got to me along w ur kinktober series i hope u continue to do writing bcs u seriously so so SO good at it fr!!

28. angel eyes — @temptaetions (!!!, s, a)

this fic. this fucking FIC. bro this is actual evidence of the fact that literary geniuses exist bcs the way u wrote so beautifully not just the actual smut but the whole storyline?? u r a godsend fr like u should be getting paid to put out work of this degree. not only r u a PHENOMENAL writer but i hope u never stop writing bcs this was actually so so lovely n amazing to read i wish i could revisit the first time i read this T_T

29. just (fucking) friends? — @snowyquokka (s)

HELLOOOO i love possessive fwb chan almost as much as i love ur writing!! the way he's so annoyed at how she said they're just friends so he takes out his anger on her but then at the same time asks her what her color is to make sure she's still okay WOWZAAAA.. need him Bad. n in the end when they both agree they don't wanna be just friends like chan.. i don't want 2 be just friends either.. come 2 me plz... anyways very yummy work fr

30. american whiskey — @straywrds (!!!, s, a)

this fic... how do i even begin w this fic... the way u write is actually so . so otherwordly yk? u rly pour all ur passion into ur writing n the way u describe everything like every emotion every detail every feeling it's so raw n real that it touches my heart. i can Feel what each of the characters go thru n the SMUT... the smut is so so delicious ofc. i've read ur other work n u r such a good writer plz keep going with what u do i will always support u fr

31. free use w/ soft dom chris — @hwanghyunjinenthusiast (s, f)

the dirty talk in this.. hngnngkgjjdgjjh. i need free use w daddy!chan just as bad as i need to reread this fic ten times until it's ingrained in my brain n any telepath w the ability to read minds out there is disgusted by how many times i think abt it (idk what this analogy was i am sorry). the way he eats mc out n the way he fucks her omgfkjdgjhjhgjh NEED HIM RAHHHHH u did so well w this

32. play tight / pt. 4  — @roseykat (s, a)

squirting w chan squirting w chan SQUIRTING!! W CHAN!!! the way he makes mc do it once n then immediately goes "yea i need to feel that on my dick" n fucks her within an inch of her life like ohmygodjkdjhsfghj i did eat up the angst too but the way u wrote them fuckinig was so nasty n delicious I ENJOYED IT SM!! this entire series is such a good read even tho it's not chan centered idk if there r more parts to it but if there r plz link me to them!!

33. dream you — @charmercharm3r (s, f)

ok i know we r discussing smut n all n trust that i will get to that but THIS!! this was so cute n precious ohemgee the way he loves mc n takes care of her n banters w her at the start so lovingly is so so precious to me i want him so bad :( the smut was also very delicious w chan switching to hard dom mode n making mc suck him off before ravishing her like oh my god PLZZZZ FUCK ME PLZPLZPLZ u did so well on this plz continue writing more for me at the least <3

34. brat-taming w/ chan — @blurboki (s)

this damn drabble was so.. hngngjfjghjhdgjh. i want 2 be a brat to chan so bad n act out just so he'll snap n put me into my place which is exactly what u wrote n i LOVED IT!!! it's so short n simple (not a bad thing at all btw) yet it's so powerful too? i love the characterisation of chan cus i firmly believe this is how he'd act in bed w a fussy bratty s/o like wow. Just wow. i love u and ur delicious mind i hope u r having a great day just for this :3

35. tell me all about it.. — @chnsbm (s, f)

hngnfjhdfsjghgjh the idea of chan making u forget all about ur stress n playing with u to help u sleep is so gfjfjjjffjhgjhjh HOT!!! the way he lovingly reassures mc like u don't need to worry abt it now just let me take care of u n how he's such a fuckin TEASE!! w the way he's touching her is so so hot u ate w this idea n i will forever die on the hill that this is really smth chan would do— tease u n make u talk while he's doing ungodly things to u just to see u stutter over ur words

36. be that guy — @daizymax (!!!, s, a)

i have said it once i have said it twice n i will say it one more time bcs i don't care how many times i need to reiterate it needs to be said: EXES TO LOVERS W CHAN IS TOP TIER!!! the smut in this was so delicious but the LONGING chan had for mc.. the way he felt the twinge in his chest for letting her go oh man.. i'd take him back if he so even looked at me but maybe im just crazy. BUT ANYWAYS!! this is possibly one of the hottest chan smuts there ever is so thank U for this delicious gift fr

37. more than just friends — @kwanisms (!!!, s, f)

werewolf chan my luvr... my big strong baby who will knock me up w his knot n fuck me until the sun rises RAHHHHHHHH!!! this was so so SOOOOO good n yummy like from the way he pinned mc to the wall to the way he ordered her around n how his self restraint snapped the moment she called him daddy like why's that so Me behaviour HELPPPP anyways user kwanisms u fucking ATE w this i hope ur pillow is cold every night u go to sleep <3

38. connected — @j-0ne25 (s, f, a)

let me just start this by saying I FUCKING LOVE U USER J-0NE25!!! ur interactive stories esp megaverse r so fucking good how r u so bigbrained my dumbass could never like actually JSDHJFJHGJH. anyways i rmb reading this very vividly n oh boy.. "baby patience, or do you need me to teach you a lesson?" Brother my panties r drenched n off dont even start w me rn. anyways this was so so delicious plz never stop writing i beg u

39. chan ask drabble #3 — @hyungszn (!!!, s, f)

saved the best for last but CLOVER.. (u dk me but i am ur biggest fan hai :3) "your mouth is saying no but your body is telling me a different story, mrs. bang." GRRRHJDJSDFJHKJSFKJSFKJGJ... I NEED HIM SOO FUCKING BAD!!! the way they banter even while having nasty sex n just love each other so bad n hello my breeding kink went feral w this. when mc asked him to not eat his cum out of her pussy n he was like "and why is that?" cus he wanted to hear her say it GRAHHHHH I WILL EAT HIM!!! on a side note, u r so so soooo amazing i have been reading ur work for so long i think since american pie n i can safely say u r one of the best skzblr writers i have ever seen along w so many other ppl like plz keep up the good work bcs i will ALWAYS support u for it !!!

. . .

add notes: thank u very much to all these amazing writers fr. if ur work wasn't featured here now do not fret!! i probably (most definitely knowing my dumbass) just missed it cus i didn't scroll Very far down in my likes (there's like 2k+....) so trust that u will most likely end up on the next recs list!! i love u all very much regardless if u r here or not n as always a very big thank u once more for all ur amazing hard work, u r all doing so well n i hope u guys know that <3

[hxnbi]

⸻ ❀°。❝ SHORT STACK ❞

requested by @kuppuru: furin boys + togame with short reader

pairings. hajime umemiya, hayato suo, haruka sakura, ren kaji, kyotaro sugishita, jo togame x gn. reader (separate)

note: tysm for your request! sorry if it took so long to write, i was suffering with exams but im finally free now. this goes to all my fellow short ppl out there 🫡 i also just wanted an excuse to find these goofy photos of my boys lmao

𝄞 ─ HAJIME UMEMIYA ♪♩ ₊⁺ 𐫱

What do you mean by that? You’re his significant other and that's all that matters! If anything, that only makes you even more adorable!

UMEMIYA's natural inclination to be clingy and protective intensifies tenfold when he's around you. As you often find yourself enveloped in his arms, whether it's at home, out for a walk, or even at a crowded event. He towers over you, using his height—and admittedly effective intimidation tactics, thanks to him being the leader of Furin—to shield you from the world’s troubles. 

"Up we go!" he jokes, effortlessly picking you up from out of nowhere and spinning you around like a merry-go-round carousel.

“Ume?!” you yelp in surprise.

Without realizing it, his face lights up like a neon sign, and he lets out a loud, joyful laugh. You’re so sweet! How could he not adore you?

Umemiya goes into press his lips against your cheek and buries his face in your neck. "You’re my perfect little charm." His laughter and love are almost infectious. 

Umemiya’s protectiveness doesn’t just stop at physical proximity, but extends to every aspect of your life. He’s always looking out for you, making sure no one dares to mess with you (not that anyone with a half-functioning nervous system would, anyway). Your height didn’t matter and will never matter to him, not when he sees you as his perfect partner and his other half, just the way you are.

𝄞 ─ HAYATO SUO ♪♩ ₊⁺ 𐫱

Without a doubt in my mind, SUO's a person who's all for teasing you. In fact, he revels in it. Even after calling the relationship official, Suo’s playfulness doesn’t stop. Rather, it only increases with time. Suo is all for teasing you about your height, flaunting his own height difference with that characteristic closed-eye smirk of his.

“Oh dear, do you perhaps need help?” he teases, pointing at something on a high shelf with one hand while the other resting at his back. “Would you like me to get you a ladder?” he asks 'kindly,' making you deadpan.

Suo finds your petite stature irresistibly cute, and he never misses a chance to remind you of it. But, to the surprise of nobody, like everything else in his life, he’s not as shamelessly open about it in public as opposed to in private. Rather, I see Suo bringing your height up when you least expect it, in hopes of getting a reaction from you recorded in his mind.

Though his teasing is always good-natured, Suo knows your boundaries well. He can tell when you're uncomfortable, especially around others. That alone is enough to make Suo's usual mischievous brows furrow, and he stares down whoever dares to cross the line, especially when he's around. His protective instincts kick in without hesitation. That, despite his constant banter, it’s clear that he adores you deeply, his eyes filled with warmth and affection so unlike his public persona that he discloses to the world.

𝄞 ─ HARUKA SAKURA ♪♩ ₊⁺ 𐫱

Okay, and? What about it? Who the fuck cares? He’ll just deal with anyone if they even dare to give you shit about it. SAKURA's nonchalant attitude towards your height is evident. He couldn't care less what others think, and he's ready to put anyone in their place if they dare to give you any trouble about it.

"If anyone has a problem with your height, they’ll have to deal with me," he barked, a protective arm around your shoulders. "And trust me, they won't like it.”

Nirei and Suo could only deadpan in unison seeing this. ‘He’s just a big softie…’ they both thought.

Regardless, his feelings for you don’t change. Sakura has also been through a lot. The people who berated and made fun of him due to things he didn’t have control over—his unconventional appearance—why do they care? Why should someone ever care? He understands how it feels to be judged for superficial reasons and is fiercely protective of you because of it. As for you? You felt warm, knowing he always has your back. 

Your height has nothing to do with who you are as a person, and he’s learning that, step by step. He’s always ready to defend you, ensuring you never have to go through the pain and ridicule he did, and not just because of your height, something you never had a peace or sovereignty over. Perhaps, he sees a bit of himself in you.

𝄞 ─ REN KAJI ♪♩ ₊⁺ 𐫱

Doesn't treat you any differently. And why should he? Is there some kind of top-secret reason that he's unaware of? Why should such a thing as height matter in his relationship? Dude grills his vice-captain Kusumi to get the full story, until he realizes that there is none. Tch, do you think he cares about bullcrap like that? Well suck it up, you shouldn't and never have to worry about such an outrageous thing.

KAJI continues to be his calm and composed self (when he isn’t blasting music until his ears bled), offering you the same level of respect and affection as always. Because, after all, "Why would your height change anything about how I feel?" he scoffed, putting back his headphones and closing the conversation right there, making you crack a smile at how matter-of-fact he was. 

Kaji’s grounded nature makes you feel secure. Height, weight, appearance, all those superficial aspects of a person doesn’t matter to him. It never did, because you never judged him for how he was. All he's doing is returning the favour to the one he one he loves, nothing more.

…So why are you looking at him with those sparkling eyes like he just found a cure for cancer?

𝄞 ─ KYOTARO SUGISHITA ♪♩ ₊⁺ 𐫱

SUGISHITA is in the same boat as Kaji, and, in actuality, it’s even more pronounced, as, while Sugishita doesn’t say a word, he’s quietly observant. Your height is just another characteristic to him that he loves in you, nothing that affects his feelings or how he treats you.

He is but a silent trooper that stands at your side.  Admittedly, it gets funny at times, seeing the difference in height between you and Sugishita, apparently especially when walking side by side. But he doesn’t mind. To him, your height is just another thing that makes you uniquely you. And all with a stoic grunt and a subtle smile that he tries to hide, but the hearts in his eyes don’t disappear with such that. 

“They’re so cute, aren’t they? You just have to show it!!” Umemiya says. And show it, he does.

The way Sugishita pats your head and cheeks, similar to how Umemiya would to the same to him, is his way of expressing affection—all in the most awkward way possible, as Sakura would scoff while the trio of Suo, Nirei, and him would from a distance. 

“...The hell is he doing? Does he treat them like a puppy or something?"

“S-Sakura-san!! Y-You might want to—”

All Sugishita would see was red, and it wasn't just from Suo's hair. "YOU—"

But don’t let that fool you. The end was anything but pleasant, as yet another chair became a victim of Sugishita’s wrath, and was broken that exact day, much to the dismay of Umemiya. 

𝄞 ─ JO TOGAME ♪♩ ₊⁺ 𐫱

TOGAME's initial reaction to your height is one of surprise, with the way he would stare and drill holes into your skull, genuinely amazed at how someone could be so short and yet so oblivious, like you didn’t have a care in the world. But his curious stare quickly transforms into admiration. At first, you really thought that he was judging you, from the way his eyes would stare down at you for seemingly uncomfortable amounts of time, but to Togame, it was nothing more than fascination. You were so petite (to him), to the point of being even adorable… 

Togame ran his fingers through his locks of hair. Shit, if you ever knew.

His best friend Choji is a bit on the shorter side, sure, but you? You were like some kind of tiny sprite. Unbeknownst to you, he finds your petite stature almost endearing in a way. And unintentionally or not, takes it as an opportunity to be even more attentive and caring over you. Togame’s affection is shown through his actions, whether it's reaching for items you can’t, or holding your hand protectively in crowded places. Whether it’s out of a sense of curiosity or if he truly loves you, one thing is clear, he can't help but show his affection in every little gesture.

©hxnbi. comments, reblogs, and likes are always appreciated ♡

[transandrogyne]

it is true that infantilization is a huge piece of how trans mascs are (mis)treated by society and is worth addressing for that reason, but the way it is currently discussed is inadequate and ironically only serves to reinforce this perception. when you are only capable of understanding transness via an essentialist lens (i.e., sex is innate and trans ppl are ultimately defined by our ASAB specifically), you are inevitably going to play into the same mechanism that causes that infantilization to begin with. so when you go on and on about how traumatized you were as a little girl, how trans women can never understand, or when you focus in on this strange concept that you are socially shunned for not medically transitioning or "passing" or whatever else, what you are doing is reaffirming over and over that trans men are nothing but traumatized women who are frozen in time and that we can never be anything but those battered and abused little girls -- that your experience is inseparable from that concept, that it is essentially that concept.

and that is literally what transphobes have been arguing ever since they became really aware of trans men. i remember seeing this blog post a decade or so ago from a TERF who insisted that brandon teena was just a traumatized lesbian emulating abuse he sustained as a child, and when i went to the comments i saw the exact same speculation about a mutual i had on tumblr at the time. when i came out to my family, my grandpa was initially accepting of it in the sense that i wasn't flat-out rejected, but his reasoning was that my father had abused & brainwashed me into thinking i was a man, only to be later disowned when i finally started hormones. and even 3 years later, this is STILL what my family thinks, and they won't use my name or pronouns or anything.

i am up against some significant issues as a trans adult. i am organizing people as my rights are under attack from my state attorney general and legislature, attacks that could easily threaten my ability to work in my field, and then i log on and see all these people online who insist that the real threat to trans men are fandom politics and DIY-ers and the icky evil yucky trans women who want people to stop being (trans)misogynistic. and when i talk about this, when i complain about how useless this is and how much it's setting back all trans people, this same group views ME as a threat! ppl often jump to call me a transmed or even a trans woman! so many assumptions made about me! it's incredible.

but this is really all to say that there's a certain online culture of trans mascs that very much self-infantilize because it makes it so much easier to avoid accountability, deflect criticism, and self-victimize. it also makes it easier to stew in your dysphoria and reject any autonomy. it turns any meaningful discussion about trans mascs and our experiences and how we fit into the broader social structures into a joke. we deserve better than that.

[lowkeyrobin]

Curious about MCYT with a partner that's usually calm and collected, suddenly being super angry at someone bothering them, maybe almost fighting the person brothering them? (Btw i really love your writing, it's super fun to read!!)

ooooo okay !! I see the vision, hopefully I pulled it off LMAO ; also thank you so much!! that means so much to me, I feel like my writings really corny and dumb sometimes and too boring so thank you, it means a lot to me 🫶🫶🫶

MCYT ; fire in the twilight

includes ; tommyinnit, ranboo, badlinu, nihachu, & quackity

warnings ; language, talk about SA/perverts/men being weird

masterlist

TOMMYINNIT

you're a very calm person

but when you get mad you get maddddd

he's surprised you haven't beaten the shit out of him yet

someone was being kinda weird at a meet and greet at vidcon and you were already stressed and overstimulated from taking pictures with everyone and signing merch and youtooz (guys should I try buying the slimecicle plushie? I don't wanna support a bad company but he's so cute :()

someone took a picture of you stretching where your shirt lifted a bit and showed off your midsection

Tommy saw and immediately called them out while you were taking a solo pic w a fan

when you heard him you just froze and nearly yelled

"Hey, please delete that. out of your trash too, seriously"

"Dude, fucking delete that shit. that's not okay, actually."

you end up nearly beating the shit out of the person....

then comes the Twitch apology 😭😭

you nearly went into a spiral explaining that it's never okay to take photos of ppl without them knowing, no matter when or where

he feels really bad for you but you're able to sit down and calm down to your usual self 🫶🫶🫶

RANBOO

you were getting fed up with how people were treating you and them online and just kinda lost it on stream

your chat was filled with assholes wondering where people were and why you hadn't publicly talked to them in over 12 hours and what your plans with everything were etc etc

"Dude, please stop. all of you. for weeks this has been going on, stop putting me and ranboo on these pedestals and expecting shit from us. seriously, it's horrible for both of us and our health. if you wanna see Tubbo or Tommy, go watch them! they're both live right now. Seriously, it's not funny and it's not gonna make us pump out more content and do what you want. we're people too, we get sad and burned out and tired. eventually content creation gets unfun and you won't get what you want. behave yourselves and do better. we don't owe you anything"

ranboo literally tears up a bit because he was watching the stream in the other room and could hear you, and you were visibly tearing up

you could feel your hands shaking and you just kind of ended the stream because you were so worked up and didn't wanna do it anymore

he immediately wrapped you in a hug because you were just so angry

gave you a pillow to punch and left you be for a while

you're usually very calm but your emotions exploded when you were bottling it up too much

they understood that but their heart bled for you after that, especially w all the hate that came from it :/

FREDDIE BADLINU

people were throwing things at you on stage during Tommy's live show

you played it off as jokes and were fine with jt because they were doing it sneakily in a fun way, roses, kandi bracelets, plushies etc, until someone threw their bra at you

"Okay, can we not?" You scrunch your eyebrows, looking into the crowd as you throw the bra back into the crowd. "That's fucked, don't ever do that again, learn event etiquette. never throw your bras on a fucking stage, it's weird and disgusting"

Freddie looks over at you, standing next to Tommy, giving you a "Holy shit are you okay?" look while also looking for the culprit trying to get their bra back

Tommy instantly stopped the show to reprimand the person

meanwhile Freddie was whispering to you to make sure you were okay

you were pissed but put your big kid pants on and continued the show

you apologized on Twitter after the show because you were really loud and kind of humiliated the people but you were justified with the situation

the people (and the girl who owned the bra) apologized and the situation was over

Freddie feels so bad bc you're so calm and laid back but ppl always have to test your limits :(

NIKI NIHACHU

people were filming you two out in public and taking pictures and you kinda lost it that they weren't listening to niki, telling them to kindly stop

"can you stop taking pictures? she's uncomfortable, please stop." you speak in a stern voice

the fans just like stare at you in shock because you're usually very calm and chill and you basically yelled at them (you reprimanded them because one it's the law two you both didn't want to be disturbed on your walk)

you're in a miserable mood the whole way home because yk how twitters gonna act when they see that

you quickly make a statement before any video leaks or anything, addressing the situation and apologizing to the strangers

ppl got ur back tho and showed support considering they were filming you on a nice walk without consent

she feels so bad seeing you get upset about it and feels like it's her fault

lots of reassuring her that it's never her fault and you're always happy to defend her and you don't mind getting a little loud to defend her

ALEX QUACKITY

you got really upset with someone harassing a bunch of creators during the qsmp Brazil meetup

"Dude, leave them alone. they don't want to take a picture with you and they don't owe you anything! you're being creepy to all those women right now, do you not realize that or something?"

you were furious seeing that many on your friends, even while on a trip, couldn't just not be harassed by men

the weirdo scurried off but you were literally this close to fighting the fucker

you were seething dude, like, shaking because you were so astonished someone could actually be that pushy and that much of a dick over a picture

Alex wrapped you in a tight hug and just squeezed you until you calmed down while the poor people who were harassed had reassured you that they were okay and that they appreciated and thanked you for standing up for them

Alex genuinley apologizes because the way you reacted just proved to him that you definitely are calm and laid back but when you got angry, you got angry

he feels so bad because you had to stand up for your friends and watch them be harassed and shit

[sciderman]

This may be a cold take, but looking back at the living with Aunt May arc, I honestly don't like the idea of Peter hitting Wade being played off as a joke. Even though ppl won't see it that way cus they're both men, it still just rubs off as abusive. I mean, imagine the same scene but what if Wade was a woman? I don't mean to come off as dramatic or rude & I'm truly sorry if I am. I just never understood why couples hitting one another was usually meant to be taken as funny. A nudge or something like that is fine. But full blown hitting or elbow drops kinda sit wrong with me

i think the "what if wade was a woman" line of thought is silly because. sometimes he is a woman. you're throwing a very silly line of thinking at me.

i do think if you're not prepared to see two guys beat the snot out of each other then you probably shouldn't be reading superhero comics. that's kind of what superheroes do. i think "violence is always bad" is a very strange stance for a spider-man and / or deadpool fan to have. i think you're in the wrong place.

most couples aren't spider-man and deadpool. spider-man and deadpool who use violence to communicate because they're bad with words. the text is aware of it.

the text is aware that what Spider-Man and Deadpool have is Not healthy. I’ve never made any allusions to them being healthy. the whole point is that they’re not healthy.

but I kind of only really see a relationship as abusive if there’s a power imbalance. wade is highly trained in like. every martial art known to man. if he didn't want peter to strangle him, peter would be on the floor. he is cool with being strangled. he probably thinks it's funny.

all couples are different. what if they’re a couple of wrestlers and wrassling is something they enjoy and bond over? which is the case for wade and peter. they are superheroes. of course they enjoy to wrassle. I think either of them could easily call it off and say it’s going too far. But they enjoy it and expect it from each other. again. it’s kind of how they communicate. and i think they know each other's limits.

I think they probably have a safeword that they use for any kind of physical thing they have going on, be it sex or wrassling. it might even be “uncle” that seems like it’d be a hilarious way to stop peter in his tracks.

4) what’s depicted in the post you’re being critical of is more tonally akin to like. siblings fighting. it’s a valid way humans interact, like any other. cats play-fight. it’s kind of similar. they’re not actually hurting each other.

(as you can tell by their body language, neither of their tails are wagging, and they’re both smiling, so this is not cruel behaviour. just natural enrichment for spider-men and deadpools to engage in.)

i think a sign of a healthy relationship is knowing each other's boundaries and not crossing them. so maybe there's someone i affectionately put in a headlock. and they think it's funny and they're okay with it. it's part of our language. it's fine if we expect it from each other and we're okay with it. fighting isn't always bad. couples insult each other all the time. if you're not aiming to hurt them, really, it's just fine. not everything is black and white. wade spars with all his partners. they beat each other up. they're boys. let them play.

[knific]

hi im john! or zero. i'm a LEESBO and i draw stuff : also im multifandom and i switch interests almost monthly. if you follow me for one thing you might not get that.

i'm fifteen and from the southeast of asia. i can speak different languages but i only prefer being spoken to in english lol!

also we MIGHT be mutuals. this isn't my main blog and that was actually a mistake because i didn't know how to use tumblr by the time. if you see you're being followed by some user called epicflowpow then I guess we're mutuals :') that's my main blog that im inactive on! lol! it's hard to explain

byf:

i have bad memory don't expect me to remember anything personal like ur birthday,

i make sex jokes sometimes ok if ur not comfortable lmk and ill stop,

i post what i want, i might post blood, gore, etc. anything i post may be triggering, if you don't like it block me! the only form of censoring you'll get is the tags so get ready to mute a few (ex: cw blood, cw knife, cw suicide)

my social skills suck.. you can try to talk to me but i get very nervous when talking privately and i might say things i don't mean

i am sometimes rude but it's just for fun lol i don't actually mean it,

i don't reaalyyy use tonetags but ill use them when my wording starts to sound a little serious

uhhh i make homophobic jokes because it's FUNNY. im actually a person of the bacon community though so yeah.

i like to cuss my faves out. i will say very very mean stuff about them and I won't state whether it's positive or negative. if you don't like that then you should probably not read the tags sometimes

i ironically use emojis like 😂🥺🥹😜 etc

-

dni: i don't have a dni because people are gonna interacr with me anyways. ill block whoever makes me feel uncomfortable and who not (pr/shipp*rs are not exceptions lol ALL will be blocked)

-

also i do requests! here are like. rules for my requests n stuff:

i think im most likely to do EVERY request you guys give me, so go crazy! i just won't do it quickly. because im not an art machine

i do any reqs, but i will less likely do/will put for last the oc requests lol :)

okay when I said any reqs i lied: just don't request me taco x pickle loll it's for the sake of some of my mutuals :) i can still draw them hanging out but it won't be tagged as ship or implied ship

i also do any fandom but again i will less likely do fandoms im not in lol

uhh. if im uncomfortable with a ship in particular ill just ignore your req don't bother sending it again or im gonna give you a beating

complicated styled characters are ok but if you wanna give me a first good impression don't send them or you're literally breaking my fingers physically

also comics scare me if you request those too you're also breaking my fingers (it's not prohibited though you can send them but ill cry)

-

tags

0 art: for my art

0 ask: for asks

0 req: art requests!

0 s req: things people draw for me :)

0 reblogs: for reblogs (best muted)

0 txt: me talking

0 talk: me talking w other ppl

0 fave: favourites/saving for later

0 other: other

[caffeinatedattorney]

Final thoughts! I'm going to talk about the aspects of the game bc I'm not thinking abt this anymore in a few days and I might as well since it's fresh in my mind. Also I didn't play it, I watched someone play it so I won't speak abt gameplay at all.

Harvey and Bruce are very much not okay. This batman is so angry and he's so desperate to save people. He's caught up in vengeance (defending Leslie and harvey) but clearly isn't sure what his modus operandi is just yet. That and he isn't seasoned so ppls deaths affect him and make him blame himself and hesitate. (when the inmate in black gate is pronounced dead.)

I was not expecting it to go hard on the trauma and abuse and how children act after said trauma, much less show it which was surprising! It is triggering but, depending how much you can handle, that makes it all the more engaging and heartbreaking.

I find it interesting how Bruce is the one prone to violence. He hits Harvey after Harvey says something from their fav show that triggers Bruce. I doubt ppl ever write Bruce being autistic but both Bruce and harvey come off to me as on the spectrum. With their fixation on justice, the fact they seem to be old enough to stop playing pretend but still do (though that could be just arrested development from trauma) and it seems to be their happy place as harvey is his loudest around Bruce and in the, what is it, rehabilitation center? Also they don't seem to have (m)any friends.

I remember this plot point from my own worst enemy and I like how it works here. I'm glad Leslie has a big role and connects everything together. (her telling Bruce off for making voices at her LMAO)

Harvey is more affected than Bruce is bc his trauma continues well into adulthood. He never left his fathers house, never stood up to him. I don't need him to articulate why but it feels so real and fitting and sad and I love it? It makes me feel things that he had a support system with Bruce and Leslie even if it seemingly wasn't enough.

I have a theory that the Rat King moniker is Harvey's self loathing coming to life and becoming his bigger-than-life mask. Bruce has the bat and harvey the rat. One soars through the skies and intimidates, the other burrows underground for safety and cohabitates to survive (and forms a cult)

Harvey's dissociation and the DID name drop ough. ("am I psychotic?!" ) I just felt bad. Dudes mental barriers are so high up he loses track of time (and probably feels like he's getting sucked underground). It hits hard that Bruce is one of the things that ground him despite the fear and disorientation. Wish we had seen Gilda tho. Unless they're meant to be separated?

And fuck, Harvey's voice. He's so meek and unsure the whole game. His little jokes ("this one was right outside my office. *pause* I'm fine by the way" ) . He gains strength when angry and when full of disdain (talking to matches) which is to be expected but goddamn that performance killed me. Leslie has to remind him to calm down ("be good" "be good" he repeats in an almost childish voice ) Too real. too good. He thinks of himself as weak until he's backed agaisnt the corner (when he was about to get shot he screams "Do it you coward!" )

Edit: I have this Hc of harvey putting a big front the way Bruce juggles batman and Bruce Wayne and the fact it's been validated makes me wanna go harder on it and harvey being autistic and the pressures and stress he must face. End edit.

Also interesting how they have Bruce and harvey call each other brother. Didn't want for it to come out too gay? I will say, it feels forced but I haven't sene anyone else mentioned bc its that inconsequential I guess.

I loved babs trying to help Bruce despite his attempts to push her away. ("I'm taking this crowbar" and he actually says "don't care!" ) also apparently when she leaves she turns a few times fuming and you can see it in detective mode lmao

Overall, better than I expected? I wasn't expecting harvey to be important at all. Hate the bait and switch and the fact it's a vr game bc I'll never get to try this lol. I'm glad they could expand on why Harvey and Bruce are how they are in the arkham universe.

[skrunksthatwunk]

you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

[whataboutsimple]

Warning! Under the cut it's just Alex whining about his life and nothing more. So basically useless post lmao- oh, yeah, curses. Lots of. Curses. Yeah, I don't recommend reading this tbh

Now what the fuck, how people manage to live their life normally and than there's me. What is wrong with me?

No, no, listen. I get it, no human can be perfect, but it frustrates me so much that I can't get exactly what's up with me. You saw other ppl on this app? Three posts a day MAX, and what do I do?

Third of August the first very post, all the way to 17 of August.

Tham it's 9 of September and since than no breaks (well, maybe Little like for a day or two)

Currently I have 397 posts, and if math is mathing, than it's about ≈8 posts each day.

8 posts each day, and I haven't posted even half of what I wanted. Or the asks I'm getting (I love them though)

What I'm implying? I can't focus even for a second on my school, better shoot me than make me doing my English, all the homework I've done so far I've done in five minutes before the class itself started. You see it?

AND THAT'S even not the full thing, I can't focus even on writing or drawing, that's why I didn't upload all the stuff, because I can't make myself create it! I have the idea in the head, I want to put it on the paper, but I can't.

The hands, the brain, they work only in a stress situations, when it's either getting an F, or doing the freaking work god damn it.

Sometimes I don't even want to touch my phone or get up from bed. All I want is to, idk, nap until I'll feel myself as if I rested.

Don't even get me started on trying to look through my mental health, I've been doing it, and you know what? I can't normally say to myself "Hey, those symptoms are kind of remind me of ourselves. Maybe we are not as healthy as we pretend we are?" Nonono, because it always will end up in self doubting like "What if I'm lying? What if I just know those symptoms are implying this and try to adjust to them to look so "poor, poor child" like? What if I just try to convince myself that something is wrong with me or simply want attention?"

Okay, like, I've been searching for symptoms of autism and ADHD for so long, reading forums and what other ppl with such things say. God, I even went through thos dumb "online tests" out of boredom and you know what? It's like 90% that I do have both, but yet again what if I'm lying? I'm perfectly healthy, I should be, I'm just lazy and dumb to do the work.

I have autistic cousin for example, and I act a lot like them and a lot like not them. Even my family always compares us, but when it's me, they go like "Well, you're not autistic, so it should be fine for you, stop acting like that!"

Yeah, woman, I'm perfectly fine, I'm just dying everytime I need to interact with ppl in reality and have heartbeat over probably 500 because it beats so loud I can almost hear it.

I've been to therapist like twice after some tragic moment in my life, because I started having horrible panic attacks, so strong even my Mon got worried, and all they managed to diagnose is PTSD after what my mother like. Just stopped the sessions. And those times when I were there, I was too scared to ask them if I may or may not have, idk, ADHD, autism or depression or anxiety or whatever because I just want to know what is wrong with me.

Because normal people won't act like I'm.

You think the dog thing is a joke? Well, yeah, it is, but I'm really eager for any interaction and reaction I can get. I don't even care abt kudos and stuff as long as you commented or reposted saying something. I'm going to die on the spot and if I had a tail it would've 100% wagged.

But when it comes to ppl in real life, I don't want to have them near me, to be in one room with them, to hear them. I can chat, I love chatting, I love talking, but only with texts. There are literally only three ppl who I can call: my mom, my grandma and my online friend.

And online friend waited for 4 years before we had a first call, voice call.

That's not normal, is it?

And like that I'm lost in me thoughts. The point is that I want to know what's wrong with me really bad, but at the same time I'm doubting if there's something wrong and I'm not just a lazy sore looser who tries to hide from responsibility in the internet. And even that I'm doing horribly.

Dang it.

[sweetescapeartist]

A DBS MANGA CHAPTER 102 REVIEW. KINDA...

Some stuff about chapter 102 of the DBS manga I don't really like/I want to quickly discuss. Meant to post this last month but didn't. I'm behind on a lot of things.

All those folks saying True UI is Goku's strongest form... The upcoming chapter says otherwise. Goku uses the silver haired UI form & Beerus apparently views that as Goku at his strongest. Heck, Goku calls it his best move. Good job Toyo for creating True UI (black hair) and confusing fans to believe that was stronger than Mastered UI (silver hair) when in reality True UI is simply UI Sign (black hair) that changed how UI works so it matches more closer to how the anime depicted the technique. UI Omen in the anime allowed Goku to use his emotions, but the more control he has over them, the stronger he becomes until he transforms into Mastered UI. UI Sign in the manga was depicted as Goku needing to be emotionless & stated that emotions hinder the power. This was from the ToP Saga all the way until Toyotaro "created" True UI to function off of controlled emotions like how the DBS anime always has & gave it Omen the name "True Ultra Instinct." [Link to a long post that I paraphrased, so you ain't gotta read it unless you're really interested.]

I get tired of the same expressions in this Super Hero Saga. Its a pouty or surprised face accompanied with an oval shaped mouth. Toyotaro is overusing the hell out of that. Here's a compilation & I left out like 4 other panels with this same expression. (There's more in CH 103)

I saw ppl talking about the poses when Goku & Gohan fight look cool.... Looks pretty stiff imo. At least from what I've seen. Lacks a feel of movement. And you don't even see most of the fight. It doesn't make it cool imo. We've seen MUI in action against powerful opponents. If MUI Goku & Beast Gohan are close to equal strength, why not show actual combat between the two other than the aftermath of clashes? There was more attention to choreography with Gohan vs Trunks & Goten than there is with Gohan vs Goku. (Chapter 103 does better with the combat for Goku vs Gohan)

Toyotaro doing the "this form is called such & such" is weird for me. Seems like he's trying to hype up Western fans or something. Like when Goten & Trunks name Gohan's potential unleashed form "Ultimate." Its just dialogue for the sake of some sort of fanservice. Some ppl will like it, others wont. I just wasn't a fan of it. Feels like its placed here just for fanservice. If they called it ultimate & didn't draw too much attention to it, I would've prefered that. Its naming it but not stopping the narrative flow.

Also wasn't a fan of Goku asking Gohan is his new power was SSJ2 or SSJ3. Goku knows dang well Gohan's Potential Unleashed form is far stronger than SSJ2 & was stronger than SSJ3. He should've just asked "So, what's this form of yours?" and leave it there.

Some Vegeta fans are calling him a proud uncle when he smiles at Gohan & Goku about to spar. No, he is a Saiyan who is ready to see a good fight just as Broly smiled when he watched Goku & Vegeta fight. Is there some pride there? Yes. But Vegeta ain't no uncle figure to Gohan. That's Piccolo & Krillin.

Why are Carmine & Soldier 15 there on Beerus' planet? Goku could have just had his sons & Trunks put a hand on his shoulder then teleported. And why would Gohan see Carmine & 15 who shot at his home & at him, turn Beast out of anger, then hop into the same vehicle as them as if he forgot what happened in the last chapter? It was literally a few seconds ago.

This was just for them to record Goten & Trunks in their costumes (can they even keep up with how fast they are moving?) And it just seems like a plot device that won't matter at all. Anyone remember 7-3 in the Granolah Saga?was there for a moment & served no purpose other than a reference. I bet this with Carmine is for a simple joke to be quickly thrown aside.

[jajasmiinee]

----------------------------- ☆ -----------------------------

MY SWEETHEART -- MATT STURNIOLO

----------------------------- ☆ -----------------------------

----------------------------- ☆ -----------------------------

warnings : CRINGE, fluff, sweetheart name, BAD GRAMMAR

y/n

matt

chris

nick

other ppl

enjoyy !!

----------------------------- ☆ -----------------------------

You and Matt been dating for the past 2 years. When is the beginning in the relationship, Matt started to call you 'my sweetheart', and honestly, you liked it. No. Loved it.

And now, he won't stop calling you that nickname.

'MY SWEETHEART'

------- ☆

Matt and his brothers are filming a vlog. Matt's in his own world until he felt a vibration in his pocket. It's his phone, receiving a snapchat from you. A picture of you in a cute messy bun makinc some food. Matt tries to hide his blushes when suddenly Chris snap at him. Causing the spotlight to focus on him now.

"Matt! Get off your phone we're filming!" Chris groans, clearly annoyed by Matt behavior.

"Fine fine sorry. I was just only snapchatting with my sweethearttt !" Matt's giggling and start punching the air in excitement, putting his phone to the side.

"Ew shut up. I hate you" Chris rolling his eyes in jealousy

"You're just mad that you're single Chris" Nick grinned sarcastically.

"I'm not jealous! I'm completely disgusted!" Denying the fact that he is kinda jealous.

"Oh god here we go again.." Matt mumbles

------- ☆

You're on the call with Matt. Just a quiet call, accompany each other by the call. You were just drinking your coffee when Matt suddenly spoke.

"Mom! This is y/n! My sweetheart!" Matt say to his mother, Mary Lou.

"Oh" She was a bit shocked by the sudden introduction but managed to remain calm.

"Hi there Mrs. Sturniolo! I'm y/n. Matt's girlfriend!" You spoke, introducing yourself to his mother politely.

"Hii! Oh please, just call me Mary Lou!" Mary replied softly. Seems happy with your appearance.

You and his mother spoke for a few minutes before her handing the phone back to Matt.

"Your mom was so nice. I love her so much already" You say.

You heard his mom say to him behind the phone.

"You chose the right girl Matt. She's definitely the one" His mother words made you blushed a little. Appreciate that she's happy with you being Matt girlfriend.

------- ☆

You were at the airport. Waiting for the triplets to come back from Boston. You couldn't go with them because you had some work to do here in LA. And today is the day that they're coming back.

You patiently wait for Matt and his brothers to come meet you. You missed them so much especially Matt. 2 weeks without hanging out with them were a bizarreeee.

After an hour, you see Chris figure walking with his suitcase. Your heart jump as you saw Matt and Nick beside him. Well, obviously you were eyeing on Matt haha! After only a few seconds you realize it was really him, you went running fast towards him. Giving Matt a tight hug.

"MATT!!" You screams softly as you were running.

"Y/N! MY SWEETHEART!" He let go of his suitcase. Spreading his arms for you to hug.

"aaw sweetheart. I missed you so much!" Matt mumble. Showering you with kisses.

"I've missed you too!" You giggled.

"Heyy.. We're here too motherfucker" Nick jokes before walking towards you, giving you a hug.

"So do i!" Without hesitation, Chris went running, giving y/n the biggest hug ever.

You all laugh happily. You enjoyed being around them. You didn't want this happiness to end. Ever.

----------------------------- ☆ -----------------------------

SORRY IF THIS IS SO BAD I RAN OUT OF IDEAS SORRYYYYYYYYY 🙏🏻🙏🏻

maybe i'll make chris version if i'm in the mood hueheh

----------------------------- ☆ -----------------------------

Bonus hehe 😋

PLEASE HE LOOKS SO GOOD WTF. WHEN ARE WE GETTING MARRIED MATT I'M TIRED OF WAITING URGH. FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKLLLKK HE DAMN HOT SEXY HANDSOME CUTE IT HURTS ME PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY

----------------------------- ☆ -----------------------------

[breestanaccount]

So i watched the new spiderman movie (like a week ago lolll) and i am finally over it enough to share my toughts so BUCKLE INNN

first of: my baby boy MILES MORALES WHOOP WHOOP

Look at him and tell me he isn't the best. You cant. Ik you cant bc Miles is the best and he needs a damn break man. He is just a kid, like?? He's literally my age (15, i think) and he hit SO close to home in EVERYTHING for me. His jokes, his relationship with his parents, his feelings EVERYTHING. I am very passionate about him. And like, i get it that he shouldn't stop canon events but thats his father that we're talking about. And you can see that miles adores his parents. And given his personality he obviously can't stand back. And miguel had no business saying all that (i'll have more to say about that so bare with me please🙏)

In conclusion: if you don't like miles i do not trust you

NEXT: my girl (who y'all hate 2 much on) GWEN STACYY

She beautiful😻😻.

ANYWAY

the hate she gets is ATROCIOUS. I understand the whole "she betrayed miles" but did she not get a whole group of spider ppl to HELP miles?? Or did y'all skip over that part? What's crazy is the fact y'all hate on gwen and i haven't heard a word abt peter or miguel? Y'all biased as hell!!! She's just 16 and she went through a lot too. And she obviously cares for Miles. All thr hate she's getting is concerning and i will defend her w my life. Miles has all the right to feel betrayed though, I won't argue against that cuz i can't. Ofc, everyone has different opinions, but I feel like she wouldn't get half the hate if she were a man (which is that case with miguel, but i'll get to that, pls don't kill me cuz ik a lot of y'all love him)

CONCLUSION: we love gwen here.

NOWWW ALL YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FORRR (bc ik some of y'all wanna end me rn #iattackedurfave): MIGUEL O'HARA BABYYYYY

He's handsome i won't lie to you, but not rlly my type now let's get into it.

I don't think what he did is right. The way he handled that situation is just wrong, in my opinion. And so many ppl excuse that bc he's 1) hot (which is the case in so many other fandoms, with ppl bashing female characters while uplifting male characters for th same actions) and 2) bc of his trauma. But, heads up, trauma is and never will be an excuse. Trauma is an EXPLANATION. There is a very big difference. He went through something traumatizing and that is awful, but he didn't try to understand miles. Like i said, miles is 15. And i get that miguel was just trying to protect the universes, I understand that. But when he was calling Miles a mistake, that he never should have been bitten by that spider, acting as if it was MILES'S fault?? Not the best way to handle that, which, again, trauma. Not an excuse, but an explenation for his actions. I can't find myself to rlly like him just now. Maybe in the next movie. I can't just like a character bc they r hot. And I know this will make some ppl mad, but AT LEAST try to look at this from my point of view, and at least try to understand why i don't like Miguel. If y'all like him, that's fine. But my boy miles deserved better.

Still, I think Miguel is an intresting character with so much room to grow and I really hope to see that.

CONCLUSION: idk. Maybe you noticed i am mixed abt him

NEXT. HOBIE MF BROWNNNNNN

Here's a pic😻🙏

Here's another pic and let's get into ITT

Hobie might be the coolest, and kindest and best character. I don't think he has done a bad thing in that whole movie. He helped miles, he helped gwen and by helping gwen he helped miles AGAIN. I love his vibe, too. His relationship with miles is perfect, like brothers. And his friendship with gwen is adorable, they r similar with similar intrests if you think abt it and i do hope we get to see him again in the next movie, maybe get a little more on him and his backstory, maybe his canon event(?). He's a beauty, what can i say💕💕

CONCLUSIONN: i love him ur honor

NEXT: PAVITR PRABHAKAR

Look at this cutie. Tell me he isn't a lil pookie cutie and that he wouldn't give the best hugs.

Given his personality, it makes sense that he's 13-14 but damn given his looks i would think he's 16 (which means he gets the prize for not looking your age since he had half the fandom fooled).

The edits i've seen of him r the best and the "Chai tea scene" was so funny, btw.

CONCLUSION: he's 10/10 if you don't like him or think he's "annoying" i don't trust you.

HONORARY MENTIONS: JESS😜😜😻😻😍😍

she did all that pregnant u got to give it to her that she's good as hell. In my opinion she might be the strongest. Love my girl🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️

And that's abt all. Ik there r so many different characters i can talk about but those r the ones that stood up to me the most. Pls don't kill me abt my opinion on Miguel, but different ppl have different opinions, y'know? I don't like characters just cuz they fine, thats just a bonus☝️ hope y'all liked this shit of me goofing along, and if anyone wishes to share their thoughts they r most welcome to!

I am kinda nervous to post this since i hate arguing with ppl on my opinions, but at the same time i am very stubborn and i am very passionate abt my opinions so these two but heads a LOT. But i will be getting over my fear with this and i did come to the conclusion that y'all won't eat me alive so yeah

Bye lovies💕

[angelliyo]

updated! requests and matchups

REQUESTS CURRENTLY CLOSED

I. I don't accept yandere and smut since I'm reaaally uncomfortable with that kinda stuff😭

II. I will leave out most of your requests unless you don't leave a name or emoji- like this; "may I request for --? Call me 💫🪐! "

III. I usually take 2-4 days to take a small break, so hopefully you won't mind!

IV. My requests are full at the moment, so I might be slower😭😭 I'm soso sorry about that!

V. Please state which fandom you want, and you can requests things other than pjsk, twst, or obey me! You can requests stuff from.. Ex; genshin impact. Though I don't really play genshin anymore since I quit, but I occasionally play with my lover.

VI. I need a lil time to do your requests since I'm slow ay eff😢

VII. I might not be able to write on weekends and stuff since I usually go shopping with friends, though I try!!

I'm very very cool and cute and adorable so request from me🥰😍😘

(PS when I ask you to be my friend in those extra little notes I mean it,,I AM DESPERATE.)

+ reintroduction so I can convince you that I'm cool and deserve to be ur friend

Hi hi I'm an aroace female that uses any pronouns but prefers he/him or they/them! Uhhh I'm half Filipino half Mexican-American (pretty sure) but ppl here in ph think I'm as white as a ghost💀 /hj

Shoving that to the side- I'm interested in astronomy, astrology, tarot reading, history, lolita fashion(sweet and Gothic) , gyaru (agejo and hime), etc!

i love love looove deep conversations!! Especially if it's about one of my interests!! I'm actually willing to kill for a friend that shares the same interests as me and let's me rant about things I'm passionate about🥲🥲

I usually type in caps since I'm excited to talk! I'm rarely ever in a bad mood! I always let people vent to me whenever they need to! You can always go to me if you wanna talk or do something fun!!

I forgot to mention I'm an esfp (kind of an enfp since I got enfp and esfp on multiple different tests so im kinda just a mix) I'm also a scorpio!

I also love play fighting with friends! I usually insult ppl as a joke but I can back off when they want me to stop!

That's all about me since I don't wanna waste anyone's time ˙˚ʚ(´◡`)ɞ˚˙

[iheartchv]

Hi! Hope i'm in time for the mistletoe event🌿🍒, could I request a male COD matchup?

Appearance: 4'11 with waist-long black hair and blue eyes + rectangular rimless glasses. i've been told that i look rather cold and unapproachable (and tired cuz of those damn huge undereye circles i have)

Personality: ISTP

About me: Comp sci student living off energy drinks and garlic baguettes trying to survive and not lose sanity. Rather aloof, rational and private loner with a sharp tongue and witty remarks on hand but I do have a more gentle and softer side when u get to know me. I tent to have one close friend at a time, although ppl often come to me for advice or help because of my logical approach to things. I'm that friend you call at 3AM because u did sth stupid and now u need help (and i will get there, after spending 30min screaming at u for how dumb u are and telling u that there's no way i'm getting out of my house rn). I cuss, quite a lot. And complain, also quite a lot (if u don't know how to make a conversation complain is a great option). I usually don't talk much and honestly don't engage myself in any social events or gathering if not necessary but i have weeks when you just won't be able to stop me from talking and making shi**y jokes. And a little fun fact about me: i always have a lighter on me. No, i don't smoke but there's always someone who needs a lighter and that's a great way to meet some rly cool ppl

Hobbies: astronomy, stargazing, reading

Dislikes

▪︎loud noices, hot temperatures

▪︎childish & argumentative & reckless ppl

▪︎coffee, alcohol (never grew to like it, don't think i ever will)

Thank you so much in advance! Hope you're doing well and have a great day♡

// of course ^^

I match you with....

Johnny "Soap" MacTavish 🧼 (2022)

Soap for sure is absolutely smitten with you

He didn't think he would fall so deep for you but he did

You were falling for him too, though you didn't know it at first

He somehow weaseled his way into your heart

Maybe because he was charming, so kind and warm...

Or maybe because he was loyal to no end, fearless...

... A reliable soldier...

Soap always gave you coy smiles after some playful teasing or flirting with you

He loved it when you would bite back with witty remarks

It just made him want to know about you

He'd always sit by you, wanting to get closer to you

But he'll know if you want him around or not

If you're uncomfortable, or sad, upset about something, he will do whatever it takes to make you happy

When you start to open up more, he listens to what you have to say

Doesn't matter if you complain, vent, or just want to talk about what fascinates you

He's a great listener

He loves seeing the sparkle in your eyes when you talk about your passions and dreams

He'd catch himself staring and smiling to himself as he listens to your voice, and just take in your beauty

He tells you, after remembering what you told him about your hobby of stargazing, that he'd want to go stargazing with you

This was his idea of going on a date with you, hoping that you would be a little more comfortable...

And being under the stars was romantic, right?

Since then you and Soap have been together

.......

Christmas time is around the corner

At the base everyone in Task Force 141 was having a party

It was Soap's idea/suggestion

He invited you to come... so he could show you off to his comrades

Everyone seemed to like you and wished you good luck with your relationship

You stood in a corner, having some time to yourself while you watched everyone ( well almost everyone, Ghost was only talking to one other person ) else having a good time

Soap came up next to you and wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you close to him

He looked up, and then grinned down at you

"Look up, sweetheart."

Hanging above you was mistletoe

You blushed

"Y'know what that means?"

"Yeah, yeah..." you replied, a small smile on your face

He softly chuckled and then gently pulled you against him

Leaned down and gave you a soft, sweet, kiss

He'd never get over you, kissing you, loving you

You're his forever... and you knew that as well as he was yours, as well.

🎀 lmk if you'd like to tagged in any/all content 🎀

[tactlessly-sen]

In the middle of silence you are the deepest.

I am 9.  I win a race.  I beat the fastest boy. I am ecstatic. DUDE, FEEL MY HEART. ITS GONNA POP OUT. I scream.  Within his new found defeat, bitter was he. He says - Ew. Why would I touch you that way? And anyway this race doesn't matter. You'll always be in a different category. You'll run alone. Win alone. Enjoy that.  I would have felt less like an object if he hadn’t responded.  Or made some joke about my non-existent chest.  But he chose to throw my gender in my face.  That day I woke up as a kid and went to bed a girl.  That day was the first time. It would haunt me for years to come.  In the middle of my silence I am deepest.

I am 11.  I play obbs and bets.  I punch a guy for sitting. He punches me for standing.  All was well.  Until a fateful day, I am told, "I don't hit girls." A harmless statement taught by elders.  He doesn't realise what it implies.  “Because u belong to the weaker sex” remains unsaid. If he was concerned about violence, he would've said,  I don't hit ppl. But he didn’t. Because he wasn’t.  It was me that was inferior. It was me that had to read in between the lines.  He chose that day, to ruin a game for me forever.  In the middle of my silence I am deepest.

I am 14.  A childhood friend. People who have seen each other through their ugly stage and stayed throughout Are hard to come by.  I have had a few.  And lost some along the way.  This one’s a story of pain.  Probably the worst kind. Time…is a funny thing.  Apparently pain caused is directly proportional to time known.  This particular boy in question,  Had jumped from the top of swings and slides with me.  Prank called his elder brother’s friends with me.  Had had moaning competitions with me. (and won.) Had sat through late night sleepover horror movies with me.  To the point where…my mother didn't even consider him a boy anymore.  His sex was never part of him anymore.  Until it was. And it hit me like a train.  Until when, he says , “we already do relationship stuff, why won't you be my girlfriend? ” Until when, he says , “Why do you flirt with the not-nice guys? Do nice guys like me not do for you?   Do nice guys like me not do IT for you?” Until when, he says , “What about me is lacking of the label ‘boyfriend?’ ” Until when he says, with the audacity to seem heartbroken “wh..y…why.. do you lead me on?” And I want to scream.  I want to scream, that I NEVER SAID YOU WERE LACKING.  I want to scream,  “WHAT ELSE DO U WANT FROM ME THAT COMES WITH A RELATIONSHIP?” I want to scream, “WHY IS MY FRIENDSHIP NOT ENOUGH?” But no scream escapes me. I couldn't break Mr. Nice Guy’s heart. Not like he broke mine.  In the middle of my silence I am deepest. 

I am 15.  A boy stares at my mouth.  As he tries to break me down to pieces,  unwind my brain just to put me back together in his image,  The image of the “other woman”, the woman to cheat on his girlfriend with. He likes it when i say no, I told him to stop calling me that. He doesn't stop.  Laughing like we're both in on the joke, even though nothing's funny. He wraps a hand around my wrist,  smiles at me from across the table. I could break him in less time than it took for him to tell me, sickly sweet,  that I look like I could use a smoke. Offers me one.  As I kiss him in the corner, "I won't break up with her, u can understand that right? " rings in my ears. But I don't stop. I can't. My friend tells me "He wants to look after you so badly,"  and I say "I don't need anyone to look after me."  She smiles, and says "I know."  I want it though,  She knows. In the middle of our silence we are deepest. 

I am 16.  A classmate is nice to me.  The 1st person to be my friend in 11th grade.  In a class where everyone already seemed to have best friends. I get him gifts for his birthday.  He shares his pretty notes.  We test out corny pickup lines on each other. Then we laugh about these inside jokes. I’m shit at theory papers.  He asks me to smell his salts during practicals.  We do our best. But one fine day,  He decides that I could be his confidante of ‘womencapdes’ (the first unfunny joke) Decides to call his ex a bitch and other women sluts.  Do I stand up for a stranger, or my morals? Women I don’t know  or a person who I called my friend a few minutes ago? Does my anger win, Or my loneliness?  In the middle of my silence I am deepest. 

I am 16.  A mutual texts me. Offers to design me clothes.  It was a creative opening line. So I respond.  My first Mistake. Approximately 20 texts later, he makes another offer.  This time to “to fuck me roughly”…against the door? I laugh, interest now lost. But continue the conversation.  My second mistake.  Another 10 texts in, he asks for my friend’s mom’s number.  I block him.  And I am left  alone wondering where it all went wrong in the first place.  In the middle of my silence I am deepest. 

I am 17.  I let a boy touch me,  I didn't want him.  I wanted just fingers, just warmth.  Anything to feel me,  Feel my body, feel my soul. I long for a touch so intense.. So intense that I am reminded.  Reminded of when my father hugged me and meant it.  I am scared.  I am scared that those memories are so deep down now,  That no touch could revive them.  So no, I didn't object. And the boy touched me. Again. And again. And again.  But it didn't remind me of anything.  Touch doesn't bring back history. It creates it.  He created history..one which was never meant to be written.  In the middle of my silence I am deepest.

I am 15.  A house party. A happy me.  As I dance I notice a grp of boys drinking, older, looking at me.  I had no reason to walk up to them.  I had no reason to hold up a hand to the prettiest boy there, offering to come dance.  But I did.  I did.  He was going to accept. I still think about it.  If only I hadn't flinched.  But I did.  Just as as he raised his resting arm from the sofa striking fast, to place in mine,  I anticipated something so much worse.  An action I knew that brought pain.  So. I flinched. Hard.  As I looked up again, Hoping, just hoping, for him to understand. To let me down gently,  He said laughing, Ur fucked in the head bruh. U should see someone about it.  I shot my shot.  And those words shot me.  In class, there is a friendly discussion.  Someone brings up, mocking.  Women never shoot their shot. In the middle of my silence I am deepest.

These boys were never mine.  They never are. That race. That game. That time. That table. That joke. That dress. That bus seat.  That moment was mine. The boys were never my favourite thing in the room.   In the middle of my silence I am deepest.