#i won't be alive for much longer so i'm not gonna bother changing that but it's still annoying

[riddlersbimbo]

literally feel like i'm not human and just completely invisible but oh well who cares

[queen-of-deans-booty]

Soul Survivor: Part One

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.2k

Warnings: canon angst and violence, extra angst

Summary: Sam begins the process of curing Dean while you sit back and watch Dean get worse before he gets better. One thing is for sure: you're going to have a lot of fun drowning his soul in pain.

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. I love seeing any and all comments <3

x

Dean's back in the bunker undergoing trials to cure him of being a demon. He's locked up in the dungeon right now and is screaming his head off for someone to let him out. He can keep yelling for someone to come let him out but you're going to continue to ignore him. You're sitting in the library with your feet kicked up on one of the tables. You're reading a magazine you found in your room about whatever celebrity is getting canceled.

"Stupid fucking Kim. Always getting yourself into some shit," you scoff and turn the page. 

Sam walks into the library with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. He stops when he sees you and studies your behavior.

"I'm going to go get purified blood and talk to a priest."

"I don't care," you say and continue reading. If looks could kill, then Sam would be burning holes into your head. You groan and set your magazine down to look at him. "What?"

"Sorry, it's just so weird to see you this way."

You shrug and go back to reading.

"Get used to it. This is the new me."

Sam leaves without another word. Now that it's just you and Dean alone in the Bunker, you might as well have some fun with this. You toss your magazine to the side and make your way down to the dungeon. Dean is struggling against the ties when you enter the storage room. Dean stills when he hears the click of your heels on the concrete floor. His eyes turn pitch black knowing it won't scare you. You grab a lone chair and drag it over to him so you can be face-to-face with him.

Dean looks pissed but he isn't going anywhere, not with the demon handcuffs on sitting on a chair in the middle of a devil's trap. He looks like he's ready to kill but you smirk and lean back into your chair.

"Soak it in, princess, because when I get free, I'm going to make your death last twice as long as you've been alive."

You can't help but laugh at his threat. That only pisses him off more but you laugh more.

"I'm sorry," you giggle. "Even your threats are pathetic. It's fitting. Pathetic threats for a pathetic demon."

Dean's hand twitches in anger. Instead of egging you on for another fight, he changes tactics.

"What are you gonna do if I am cured? Hmm? I'll go back to my normal self that loves and cares for you. You know damn well I'll stop at nothing to get you back to who you were before."

You don't say anything because you know he's right. Once Dean is cured, he'll do anything to get his wife back. You like life like this. Life is so much easier when you're not worrying about everything and everyone. Still, you don't let it show that what he says bothers you. Instead, you decide to turn it around and throw it back at him.

"So? You'll be back to normal while I still stay like this. All your pesky emotions will be dialed back on which will make this relationship that much more painful. To know that I don't give a shit about you while your heart still bleeds for me. It's going to be so much fun to watch you crumble to the ground as you watch the love of your life live her life without you."

Sam returns back from the priest and the hospital quicker than you thought. He must not want you to be around Dean for longer than you have to. You slide back from Dean when he enters with blood bags in the duffel bag. He doesn't say anything about the way Dean is glaring at you and the way you're smirking at Dean. Dean focuses his attention on his brother and rolls his eyes when he sees the blood bags. 

"Really?"

"For whatever it's worth, I got your blood type."

Sam takes out the blood bags and lays them on the table along with the medical instruments he's going to use to stick Dean.

"Sam, I know you think you're gonna try and fix me, but did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't want to be fixed? Just let me go live my life. I won't bother you. Why do you care?"

"Why do I care?"

Sam grabs some holy water and splashes it onto the ground around Dean and starts chanting in Latin.

"Do you really think I'm just gonna sit here like Crowley? Getting all weepy while you shoot me up? Fuck that. I don't want this!" Dean yells.

"Yeah, I pretty much figured that out," Sam says when he's done chanting.

"You don't even know if this is gonna work, do you? I got a hell of a lot more running through me than just demon juice."

"Mark of Cain, I got it."

"That's right." Sam grabs a syringe and fills it with blood from one of the bags. He walks over to Dean and grabs his forearm to prevent him from struggling too much. "Sammy, you know I hate shots."

"I hate demons." Dean's eyes go black right before Sam splashes him with holy water. Dean yells in pain as his skin sizzles, and Sam shoves the needle into his arm. "Look, we got a whole bunch more of these to go. You could make it a lot easier on yourself."

The blood is already taking some effect on Dean so you and Sam walk out of the dungeon to give him some time alone. You walk through the empty halls a completely different person. This place used to hold so much value to you with so many memories of your kids running up and down the halls with the dogs.

You were going to go back to the library to read but decided to take a detour to Joanna's room. Everything is as she left it. Did she leave or was she forced out? All of her toys are still scattered on the floor since she never liked putting her toys away. Her bed is still messy from the day before she left. You walk in and turn the light on. She insisted on having pink fairy lights instead of real lights even though there is a lamp in the corner.

There are pictures on the wall you and she decorated of your growing family. In one picture, you and Joanna are in the hospital right after she was born. The nurse wasn't freaked out about your magic going haywire and took a picture with your daughter without Dean in it. Dean was standing by the door watching with a smile on his face thinking How did I get so lucky? The second picture is of Joanna in the pool trying to swim without her floaties for the first time. She sunk easily but you were there to catch her before she went fully under. Only your hand can be seen in the frame.

The third picture is of you, Dean, Joanna, and Maryann. This was before you met Noah and invited him into your home. You are sitting between Dean's legs with Joanna sitting between yours and Maryann sitting between her sister's. Dean is leaning to the left to try and get your hair out of his face while Joanna is looking up at you with a goofy smile on her face.

So many memories that mean absolutely nothing to you anymore.

"I don't know where they are," Sam interrupts your trip down memory lane, "but I do know they're safe." You look to the right to see him leaning against the frame of the door. "That's all that matters, right?" You don't answer him and begin walking to the bedroom door to leave. "Do you even care where they are?"

"You want the honest answer?" you ask and meet his eyes.

"Yes."

"They could be rotting in the ground and I wouldn't give a damn."

You push past Sam's shocked face and leave him to drown in the memories. The Mark fucked you up in ways not even you fully understand. When Dean died, something happened to you to make you not feel this way. You're supposed to be crying for your kids. You're supposed to be fighting for Dean to be human again.

You're not supposed to be pushing them away but here you are, pushing them away.

After an hour has passed, you and Sam walk down to the dungeon to give Dean his second dose of the blood cure. Sam doesn't say a word as he fills another syringe and sticks it in Dean's arm. Your husband groans in pain and rolls his head to the side.

"For all you know, you could be killing me."

"Wouldn't that be an interesting change," you smirk and sit down.

"Or you're just messing with me. Either way, the lore doesn't say anything about exceptions to the cure."

"The lore," Dean chuckles. "Hunters. Men of Letters. What a load of shit it all is!" You and Sam are quiet for two different reasons. "Oh, now you got nothing to say?"

"Do you want me to debate you? This isn't even the real you that I'm talking to."

"Oh, it's the real me, alright. The new real me. The me that sees things for what they really are. Winchesters. Do-gooders. Fighting the natural order. Let me tell you something about guys like me. We are the natural order. It's the way it was set up."

"Guys like me still got to do what we can."

"Don't be so full of yourself, Sammy. From where I'm sitting, there ain't much difference from what I turned into to what you already are."

You know exactly what Dean is doing. Sam is falling right into his trap of manipulation. Dean knows that he is going to get turned back into a human at the end of the day, so he's going to try and hurt Sam in as many ways as he possibly can before time's up. Sam is taking the bait he set out so delicately. You cross your arms and smirk but stay silent.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I know what you did when you went looking for me. I know how far you went. Crowley told me all about it. So, let me ask you which one of us is really a monster? Hmm? Starting to come back to you now?"

You might have overheard a conversation between Crowley and Dean about what Sam did but you couldn't care less about it. Something about how Sam was the one who convinced Lester to sell his soul. Sam wanted a crossroads demon knowing they wouldn't come up for a Winchester so he convinced some dumbass to sell his soul. He did it before Sam could get there in time.

"You would have liked to have gotten there before the deal went down but you didn't really care about poor ol' Lester, did you?" Dean continues. "Oh, and just so you know, I killed Lester myself. That wife of his married the tattooed guy."

Sam slams his hands down on the metal table angrily. It's working. Dean is getting under his brother's skin hoping he'd make a mistake and either let him go or fuck up the trial so it would give Dean more time to think of a way out of here.

"I never meant--"

"Who cares what you fucking meant?!" Dean yells. "That line that we thought was so clear between us and the things that we hunted, ain't so clear is it? Wow. You might actually be worse than me!" Dean laughs. "I mean, you took a guy at his lowest, used him, and it cost him his life and soul. Nice work."

Sam grabs another syringe that's already filled with blood and stabs Dean in the neck. He was supposed to wait the hour before doing another dosage so you're not sure if this is going to fuck it up or not. Dean screams in pain while Sam leans over the table with pain and regret written on his face. He catches your eyes and you give him a thumbs up.

"You're doing a great job."

"Shut the fuck up," Sam growls and turns to his brother.

"Let me ask you this, Sammy: If this doesn't work, we both know what you got to do to me, right?" Sam shakes his head and leaves the dungeon without another word. "You got the stomach for that, Sam?!" Dean looks at you who is amused by their petty fight. "What the fuck are you smiling about?"

"Just watching. Observing. He walked right into your trap. I thought he was smarter than that."

"What are you going to do if this doesn't work? I still have power over you. I'll make it so you never see daylight again."

You uncross your arms and stand up before approaching him slowly.

"Let's say it doesn't work and you're a demon forever. There's still something I'll have that you never will."

You grab both armrests and lean down to his level.

"What is that?"

"Respect," you whisper. "You want to know what I'll do if this doesn't work? I'll litter that gorgeous body of yours with devil trap bullets so that when I dismember you, I'll bury you across the state. You'll never be able to smoke out. I might not be a witch anymore, but you're forgetting one thing: I am still a hunter. I know how to make someone disappear. After all, I am the best. No one will ever find you. I'll be up here and live my life, so who's really laughing then?"

If Dean was a cartoon character, smoke would be coming out of his ears at how angry he is. You wink at him and leave him to think about your words alone in the dungeon.

x

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[vacant--body]

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of unaliving self, PTSD, Bucky have flash backs, vomiting, loss of pregnancy, ED if you squint, lots and lots and lots of angst. sad, saaaad, Bucky :(

female!reader x steve and bucky love triangle (not as much here)

Side note: HI! I'M SO SORRY! I LOVE YOU ALL:) *also if the text is in italics it means there's a flashback*

part 1

✿~~~✿~~~✿~~~✿~~~✿

It had been almost a month since Bucky had last seen Y/N. Tony and Steve thought it was best for Y/N to be admitted to the psychiatric ward at the near by hospital. But you have been gone a month. And you didn't put Bucky down on the approved list of people that could come visit you. The only thing he had left of you was the last conversation you guys had, and it was slowly driving him insane.

"Bucky? Where are they taking me? I don't wanna go." You were still loopy from the anesthesia Banner had used during your surgery. The way you were talking to him made it seem like you had just forgotten everything that had happened over the last 3 months.

"Shh, it's okay." Bucky said softly. Talking still hurt his throat. "But you gotta. You gotta get better, okay?" You nodded and sniffled. "Don't cry doll. It's all gonna be okay." He tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, like he always did when you were upset.

"What happened to your face?" You muttered, your fingers grazing across the cut on his cheek bone. Bucky flinched at your touch, not wanting to remember how it felt.

"Don't worry, doll. Just get some rest. I'll see you soon." Bucky stood up from beside the cot and nodded at the paramedics who were standing close by to take you to the hospital.

"Bucky?" You asked quietly.

"Yeah, doll?" He could feel the hot tears in his eyes getting ready to spill over.

"I love you."

"Bucky," Sam tapped his shoulder. "Are you listening?"

"Sorry." He mumbled. "Just thinking." He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, wringing his hands together.

"I asked how you were doing?" Sam repeated.

"I'm fine."

"Don't do that Buck." He scoffed, slumping into his chair. "You gotta talk about this shit, man. And I know you normally talk to Steve but-"

"Sam, don't."

"Bucky-"

"I don't need your fucking pity.” Bucky growled, getting to his feet. Sam stared into his eyes with exactly what Bucky was upset about; pity.

"I am trying, damnit." Sam seethed through his teeth. "I am trying to hold you together and I am trying to hold Steve together. I hate being the middle man but if you two want to act like you're in high school and give each other the silent treatment, then I'll do it. I don't like seeing my friends hurting." He sighed and rubbed his temples. "You are very clearing showing signs of PTSD, and if you just let me help you, I can try to make it better."

"Everyone hates me, Sam." Bucky changed the subject.

"No, they don't. They're worried about you." Sam tossed his arms up in the air, exasperated. "You and Steve lost so much in one night, they're scared for you. They are mourning with you, Bucky. Please understand that."

Bucky scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I gotta go, this was pointless."

"Bucky-" He didn't hear what else Sam had to say before he shut the door to his office behind him and stormed down the hallway. He scoffed and shook his head. Fucking therapy. Tony had forced him to go or else he was sending him some place like Y/N was. He didn't need it anybody’s help, he was fine.

Bucky had wondered around the compound for hours after been you’d taken away, unsure of where he was going. This place felt so empty without Y/N here. He felt so empty. He found himself standing outside Steve's room after walking for hours. The sun was starting to rise now. His arm jerked as if he wanted to knock on the door, but he couldn't do it.

Then why did he knock?

Steve opened the door and was standing in front of him, eyes red from crying. His hair a mess. He definitely didn't look like the calm and collected Captain America.

"What the fuck do you want?" He spat, glaring down at his best friend.

"I-" Bucky was at a loss for words. "I don't know."

Steve laughed bitterly. "Get the fuck out of my face before I knock your teeth out."

"Steve, please-" Bucky's voice broke. "I need-I need you. Please."

"You need me?" Steve hissed. "What about what I need, huh? Does how I feel just not matter to you?”

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, staring down at his feet. He couldn’t look Steve in the eyes any longer.

“You were fucking her.” Steve laughed, almost as it was a joke. “You were fucking my girl. You got my girl pregnant, and she tried to kill herself. Because of you, Bucky. So get out of my face. I don’t care what you have to say.”

"You're the only one-" Bucky tried desperately. He needed to talk. And Steve was the only one who understood.

"Save it, I don't wanna hear it. You ever show up at my door again," He took a deep breath, his eyes falling on the bruising cut that was on his cheek. "I won't stop this time." Steve slammed the door in Bucky's face.

Bucky was standing in front of Y/N's room. The door had long opened and an empty room was staring back. After you had left, Pepper and Nat had cleaned your room up the best that they could. While cleaning they had found an ultrasound picture hidden away in your nightstand. Nat said she wanted to throw it out but Pepper stole it from her and brought it to Bucky one evening. Bucky didn't know what to do with it so he brought it back to your room, stashing it away where you had kept it. He didn't want to take anything out of your room for when you came back. He wanted it to look like how you had left it. Well- before you destroyed it anyway.

Bucky slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, the springs groaning at the sudden weight on it. No one had sat here in a long time. Bucky heaved a sigh and hung his head, his long hair made a curtain around his face. You were always telling him to cut it.

A frown crept onto his lips, silently cursing himself. You teasing him about his hair is was started this whole thing. It was 4 months ago, you guys had most of the compound to yourself and were passing the time playing a drinking game.

He still remembers the smile on your face when you had brought up his hair, thinking it was hilarious how it was so long. Your laugh was more intoxicating than the alcohol the two of you were consuming. He just couldn't stop staring at you, your beautiful eyes, your hair that smelled like lavender, your gorgeous smile. And every time you leaned over it would expose your cleavage from the top of the thin tank top you had on. By the time you were done giggling Bucky had leaned in and grabbed your face, pressing his lips firmly against yours. You were stunned at first but quickly gave into his advances, as you had been waiting for this moment too.

A noise outside the room made Bucky snap back to reality.

"Thought I would find you here." A soft voice whispered. It was Nat. She gave him a soft smile before sitting down on the edge of the bed beside him. "It okay if I sit?" Bucky shrugged his shoulders and nodded. "Sam said you're having a bad day."

"Sam doesn't know shit."

"I know some days are tougher than others. You seemed to be doing okay last week. Actually saw you smile." She laughed quietly. Bucky didn't say anything. "She's not dead, Bucky."

"Why the fuck-"

"Shut up and listen." Any hint of kindness in her voice was gone. "I'm not like Sam, I'm not gonna coddle you. She is alive and is doing better, I just came from the hospital."

"We'll I'm glad you got to see her." He scoffed.

"I know you're not gonna hear what I have to say, but just listen to this- you are not alone, Bucky. Okay? I know none of that matters because you don't have the people you love most around you. But the rest of us are you for you, and Steve. Okay?" Bucky opened his mouth to snap something back but Nat held up her hand. "Just tell me you understand, okay? Because if I have to clean up one more persons blood off the floor I am going to loose my mind."

Bucky sighed and nodded his head. "Okay. I understand." Nat patted him on the shoulder before standing up and left the room. A tear dribbled down his cheek and he quickly whipped it away. Why couldn’t everyone just leave him alone?

Absolutely exhausted, he kicked his shoes off and laid down, not wanting to pick himself up and walk back to his room. Everything just felt too heavy. His eyes slowly fluttered shut, no matter how hard Bucky fought against it. But it was just too heavy.

"Hey, I need to talk to you." Banner said quietly, standing in Bucky's door way.

"What?" Bucky grumbled from his spot on the bed. "If it's about checking my head, I don't want to hear it. I'm fine, he didn’t hit me that hard.”

"No, it's not that. I need to know-"

"Then what?"

"I need to know what you want to do with the fetus...the baby." He shifted his weight back and forth.

A heavy silence surrounded the two of them. "Why me?" Bucky croaked out finally.

"Well, you're the father and-"

"Don't. Don't call me that." Bucky pointed a stern finger at him Bruce stood there awkwardly, waiting for Bucky to tell him what to do. He blinked back a few tears and cleared his throat. "What do you think I should do?"

"Well, everyone else thinks you should bury him."

Him. It was a boy. Bucky was going to have a son. His son. Y/N's son. Our son.

"Then bury him."

"I think you should go."

"I don't want to."

"Bucky, please. You need to cope."

"Oh yeah, and how should I do that, doctor?" Bucky snapped back. Bruce sighed, defeated. "Go fucking burry the thing and get over it. I don't want to be there, got it?" Why was he saying this? That's not what he wanted to say.

"Okay. Sorry for bothering you." Banner exited his room in a defeated sigh, his shoulder hunched over.

Some more time ticked by before there was another knock on the door. Bucky jumped slightly as he just starting to fall asleep. He hadn't slept in about two days and it was starting to take a toll on him. The evening sun cast shadows that danced around in his dark room.

"Bruce I swear-" He opened the door and stepped back, surprised. It was Pepper. She smiled shyly at him. Bucky thinks she hasn't said more than 10 words with him since he came to live at the compound a year ago. Mostly just awkward good mornings when they came into the kitchen at the same time to get coffee. Pepper always got up early but Bucky was fed up of trying to fall asleep.

"Oh. Did...did you need something?" He asked looking down at her. Pepper wasn't as hard as everyone else at the compound, she hasn’t seen the things everyone else had. He had barely spoken to her and there were already tears forming in her eyes.

"Nat-" She cleared her throat and attempted to wipe the tears away from her eyes. "Nat and I were cleaning up Y/N's room, so it won't be a mess when she comes back. And we'll we found this." She held out some grainy pictures. Bucky wasn't sure what he was looking at.

"What are these?" He muttered, taking them from her.

"They're ultrasound pictures. I guess she knew..." She cleared her throat again, fighting back the urge to cry. "Sorry. I guess she knew about the pregnancy. Nat wanted to throw them out but I thought you should have them."

Bucky didn't know what to say. He didn't want to open his mouth and rip Peppers head off, because he knew that she was just trying to be nice. Trying to make him feel better, but honestly it was just making him feel worse. If you knew you were pregnant why did you try to kill yourself? Or is that why you tried to kill yourself?

Before he could think of what to say, a sob ripped through his chest, his knees giving out under him. Pepper moved quickly to his side and threw her small body against Bucky's, wrapping him up in a hug. She tried to hold him up the best she could, but they crumpled to the ground together.

"I'm so sorry, Bucky." She cried. Her hands grabbed the back of his shirt, like she was trying to keep him from falling apart. It wasn’t working. It felt like someone was chiseling away at his heart. He clutched the ultrasound pictures to his chest, another sob wracking through his body. He wanted Y/N. He wanted you here with him, mourning the loss of your child together. "I'm so sorry." Pepper repeated. Bucky gently pushed her away and tried to calm himself down.

"Thank you for these, Pepper." He babbled. "But I need to be alone. Please leave me alone." She shook her head at what he was saying and tried to protest. He held up his hand to stop her. “Go. Just go.” He pleaded. Finally, she left him there, sitting in the door way, holding the only pictures of his son that he would ever get.

Bucky woke up with a gasp, his clothes were soaked and sticking to his skin from his sweat and it felt like his heart was going to explode out of his chest, his stomach churning in knots. He scrambled out your bed and into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. These fucking dreams would not leave him alone. Ever since you left that's all he was able to dream about.

He spilled his guts out a few more times before slumped down beside the toilet, he shoved his head in hands and took a few deep breathes, trying to ease his spinning head. He gagged at the taste of vomit in his mouth and spit into the toilet again. Standing up shakily, he looked at himself in the mirror that was above the sink. He hated the person looking back. He looked sick, disgusting.

Saying Bucky looked rough was an understatement. His eyes were sunken in, which were accompanied by dark bags. His hair was ratty and dull and he hadn't trimmed his beard in weeks. He had also lost weight and muscle mass from not being able to eat. He couldn't. The only thing he was able to keep down was chicken broth and he hardly even eat that. He had no desire to work out either. His metal arm, which he usually polished at least once a week was dull too. And covered in scratches from him clawing at it in the middle of the night.

Bucky sighed heavily and rinsed his mouth and face with water. Patting his face dry with a towel he realized for the first time, he was starving. He could smell someone cooking bacon down in the kitchen and it made his mouth water.

Maybe Sam was right, Bucky did need to talk about this. Or maybe Steve was the one who was right. This was all his fault. He made the first move on you. The baby was his. Everything was his fault. Maybe if he had just left you alone, none of this would have happened. He couldn’t think straight anymore, nothing made sense without you here.

He pushed his thoughts out of his head as he remade your bed. Picking up his boots from off the ground, he slowly made his way back to his room. It was a hot mess inside, more than normal. Bucky doesn't remember the last time he picked anything up. He discarded his sticky clothes and got into the shower, letting the hot water fall over his skin. He hummed contently as he washed his hair, yanking to get the knots out. While he was in there he trimmed his beard the best he could without looking in a mirror.

Getting out and rubbed the steam off the mirror and looked at himself again. His beard and his hair looked better, but his eyes still looked empty. He still felt empty. Bucky tossed on some clothes that smelled the cleanest, which happened just an old pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

Taking a deep breath he left his room, or his cave, as Sam called it, and went down to the kitchen. It seemed like everyone was there, talking and laughing together. Bucky felt an instant nauseous feeling build in his stomach as eyes fell on him. He felt like an outsider, no, he was an outsider. Always has been as always will be

"Hey, Buck." Sam greeted, pulling Bucky out of his thoughts. "There's coffee in the pot if you want some." Bucky gave him a small smile and poured himself a cup, and grabbed a few pieces of bacon and fruit that was cut up. He sat down beside Sam and cleared this throat. Sam looked down at the small amount of food that Bucky had gathered and frowned slightly, but refrained from saying anything. He should be glad he was eating at all.

"Where's Steve at this morning?" Bucky asked, taking a sip of coffee, which stung going down his throat.

"Oh, he went to visit Y/N." Sam replied nonchalantly.

"Hm." Bucky stared down at his food, which suddenly repulsed him. Maybe this was a mistake, he should have stay in his room. Sam silently cursed himself for bring you up and tried to change the conversation.

"Sleep any better last night?" Sam questioned.

"A little. Fell asleep about an hour after we got done talking." He shrugged. “Woke up a little bit ago.”

"So you slept for 14 hours?" Sam chuckled. "We got done talking at 5, so you were out for 14 hours. I'd call that pretty good sleep."

"Doesn't mean it was restful."

"It's still a good thing that you slept through the night." Sam took a bite out of his bacon. "Oh my god, I swear Vision makes the best food." He goaded. Sam was obviously trying to get Bucky to eat.

"I know." Bucky faked a smile as he couldn't shake the feeling that he was going to get sick again. The feeling suddenly got overwhelming and he suddenly stood to his feet, his chair scrapping loudly against the floor, which caused everyone to stop and look. They watched as Bucky disappeared down the hall to the bathroom.

There was nothing in Bucky's stomach for him to throw up, besides that little bit of coffee. He was now just dry heaving, spit trickling down his chin. He just wanted this to go away, why couldn't it go away? Bucky heaved into the toilet one last time before picking his head up, wiping away the spit that was now traveling down his neck. He noticed there was a slight red tinge to it.

He brought his knees up to his chest and his hands shook as he pushed his hair out of his eyes. The room was spinning, he was so dizzy. His mouth felt he had just chewed on chalk. He was a super solider, god damn it. He wasn't supposed to feel like this. Something wasn’t right.

He slowly got to his feet, hanging onto the sink for support. Slowly he made his way back to the kitchen, leaning against the wall so he wouldn’t fall over. He just needed to get to Banner. Banner would know what to do.

Back in the kitchen, Bucky could hardly see. His vision was darkening and his ears were ringing. He could feel eyes on him. Gripping the wall for support, he dry heaved again. “Bucky?” Someone asked, concern in their voice. That voice. He knew that voice.

“Y/N?” He panted, his head snapping up. The quick action made his head spin and his grip on the wall loosened. He caught a glimpse of you right before he fell on his face, vision going black, everything falling silent.

part 3

[peanutxparker]

A (very long) list of all of my favorite AJJ lyrics because why not

Candy Cigarettes and Cap Guns (2005)

“Well my great grand-dad he died of cancer, from smoking too many cigarettes. But I must confess that he did quite profess to being the coolest motherfucker I ever met.”

“And cocaine is essentially vegan and they don't give a fuck anyway.”

“And I can't help but miss him even though he hit me everyday.”

“So fuck white people! (fuck white people!)”

“Heaven is a special place in hell where you can watch the people you hate get hurt.”

“You find me quite charming and I find it quite alarming ‘cause I'm gonna take your life. You find me quite charming and I find it quite alarming and I'm sad you won't be my wife.”

“What makes you think you can be so pretty? And what makes you think you can be so great? And what makes you think you can be so intelligent? And what makes you think you can be so far away?”

“What makes you think you can be so wonderful? And what makes you think you can be so keen? And what makes me think I can be so hurtful? And what makes me think I can be so mean?”

“Sometimes I feel like a cigarette, I'm wrapped in paper and I'm suffocating to death.”

“I don't want to be a cigarette anymore. I'll go to hell in my self death all day and night, so please just put me out.”

People Who Can Eat People Are The Luckiest People In The World (2007)

“Rejoice despite the fact this world will hurt you. Rejoice despite the fact this world will kill you. Rejoice despite the fact this world will tear you to shreds. Rejoice because you’re trying your best”

“I'm afraid to leave the house. I'm as timid as a mouse. I'm afraid if I go out I'll outwear my welcome. I'm not a courageous man. I don't have any big lasting plans. I'm too cowardly to take a stand, I want to keep my nose clean. And it's sad to know that we're not alone in this and it's sad to know that there's no honest way out. In this life we lead, we could conquer everything if we could just get the brave to get out of bed in the morning.”

“And I give a thank-you to my father for not raising me, and I give a finger to my step-father for beating me, and I give props to myself for achieving, and god damn I’m glad that I survived, and god damn I’m surprised that I survived.”

“So I looked into your eyes and I saw the reflection of a coward you and I both hate very much and then I grabbed the knife and I let the blood out of your throat and I smashed those tiny mirrors inside of your skull.”

“If I don’t go to hell when I die I might go to heaven, might go to heaven. But probably not.”

“Just happy times and half assed rhymes and mimes because mimes are dears, but most of all I want no more tears.”

“No more racism. No more discrimination. No more fat dumb fucks keeping people out of our nation.”

“We’re all one big band across this land and we should sing in tune. Let us grow the balls to break the walls, we’ve got to do it soon.”

“And I hope our candles flicker and die so that our hearts don’t burn to the ground.”

“First we were babies, we're birthing and dying. Then we were children, we're playing and crying. And then we're teenagers and smoking and fucking. But now we're all grown up and we're sadly sighing.”

“And your manic depression, it comes and it goes. Your parasympathetic nervous system reacts and you're in fight or flight mode.”

“How's the world so small when the world is so large? And what made the world? Could I please speak to who's in charge? Everything is real but it's also just as fake. From your daughter's birthday party to your grandmother's wake.”

“I've tried to know which words to sing so many times. I tried to know which chord to play and I tried to make it rhyme. And I tried to find the key that all good songs are in. And I tried to find that notes to make that great, resounding din.”

“There's someone in your head waiting to fucking strangle you.”

“I've got essays, I've got finals due. I have got lots and lots of problems.”

“Welcome to this world, have as much fun as you would like while helping others have as much fun as you're having. Be kind to those you love and be kind to those you don't but for God's sake you gotta be kind.”

Can’t Maintain (2009)

“I wanna pick up the pieces and plant them in the ground. When a tree grows there I want to chop that tree down. Build it into a boat and float it in a lake. And with dynamite I will explode the thing that makes me make mistakes.”

“Sometimes I get so lonesome I can't breathe. Sometimes I get so scared that I can't speak. Sometimes I get so worried I can't hear my heartbeat. Anyway…”

“I wanna tear out my heart and give it away to a person more deserving one day. If all I see is the worst in everything that's all I'm gonna get, that's all I'm gonna get, that's all I'm gonna get.”

“And people freak me out. People make me scared. People make me so damn self-aware.”

“I get bronchitis twice a year at least. My lungs aren't the way they should be. And I smoke more than a mother fuckin chimney. I declare war on my body.”

“You will cough up crows that peck my eyes and I will do nothing but go blind.”

“We could live there together or I'll live alone, less happy but I'll live... unfortunately.”

“And no one will know how I truly feel ‘cause I can no longer differentiate between what is fake and what is real. I don't know how I feel.”

“And I will always appreciate bad days like this because they grant me a point of reference in regards to my happiness.”

“If the bridge that I was driving over collapsed while I was driving over it that may not be such a bad thing. I would finally meet my maker, I could meet the great creator, and I'd punch him for teaching me how to sing.”

“Don't know if I believe in god but sometimes I pray because the way I was raised keeps me afraid.”

“I hope I can forgive me for having the nerve to exist. I hope someone can help me make some sense of this.”

“Sense and sensibility and peaceful productivity, a pretty girl with broken wings is all that I desire. But there's so much hostility in all the things surrounding me. The awful glow of enmity is trying to stop my shine. So I try to look inwardly at all the things inside of me but sodomy and buggery keep bubbling to the top.”

“I met you once over the phone, you sounded sad and you seemed alone. You left me but I never left you. I never had the chance to.”

“If you spend all your heart on something that has died you are not alive and that can't be your life.”

Knife Man (2011)

“There's no one to blame. People are just fucking mean.”

“So if I see a penny on the ground, I leave it alone or fucking flip it. I'm a straight white male in America. I've got all the luck I need.”

“I've got a pile of broken mirrors and I'm walking under ladders and I'll spill a ton of salt because to me that doesn't matter.”

“You were dead by the time that I had found you. Your blood was spilled on the couch where we had first kissed. So I carried you west to the sea so I could wash you. Your body felt just like a back pack.”

“I hate whiny, fucking songs like this but I can't afford a therapist. Sorry guys, here's a solo.”

“Some days I feel like I'm the weakest and others the strongest. These days are the longest and I've got the weirdest feeling about this and I wanna go away for a while.”

“I wish I had a bullet big enough to fucking kill the sun. I'm sick of songs about the summer.”

“When you have no one, you are no one. Like I said, I used to work at the people pound. All these no ones clumped together, just like a human lost and found. If they left them all be someones there wouldn't be enough to go around. It's better for us all us if there are no ones. And I knew a lot of no ones round that time. They used to all be someones until something took their life and all their someones disappeared while they're stuck there waiting in a line. And for them now, no one seems to have the time.”

“They say ambition is an enemy of weakness and greatness is an enemy of fame.When I pick up my guitar and I try to write a song, I think of what my mentor used to say… “Who fucking gives a rat's ass Steve, just write a love song. Cus they'll keep your belly full and your wallet lined. Don't bother these nice people with your sad sack songs. If you ask me I think they're just a waste of time.””

“Inspiration is the best friend of my sorrow and sorrow is the best friend of my drink. Well I want to look myself in the eye tomorrow but I'm too worried of what other folk's will think.”

“And the troubles in my heart need to get let out. And the troubles in my heart need to escape. And I never liked writing poetry and I never liked doing pottery and God knows that I never learned to paint. So every now and then, I'll sing sad songs. Cus it keeps my spirit light and my conscience clean. And if you don't care to hear I don't mind if you go out for some air. Cus I'm happy that you're happier than me.”

“So I wish I had a cigarette for every time a perfect stranger asked me for a cigarette but I wonder what a cigarette will really do to help that person out. I wish to God I had some spare change for every time a perfect stranger asked me for some spare change but there's not enough spare change in the world to make such an empty gesture count.”

“You can hope it gets better and you can follow your dreams but hope is for presidents and dreams are for people who are sleeping.”

“You don't have it any better and you don't have it any worse. You're an irreplaceable human soul with your own understanding of what it means to suffer and that’s a huge bummer.”

“I'm afraid of the way I live my life. I'm afraid of the way I don't. I'm afraid of the things that I want to do but I won't. I'm afraid of God. I'm afraid to believe and I'm afraid of all the loved ones that I've made leave. I'm afraid that my dog doesn't love me anymore. I'm afraid of the social laziness that let Kitty Genovese die. And I'm afraid of the mob mentality that makes otherwise normal people go blind. I'm afraid of the way that the world works and I'm afraid of the words in my notebooks. I'm afraid that you all know that I am a pervert.”

“It's harder to be yourself than it is to be anybody else. I wish I were a little less of a coward but the big red bird that lives under the city doesn't give a damn about me and it dies every night. So I bought a knife. I am a knife.”

Rompilation (2012)

“I used to be a spiderman, I used to be a cowboy from hell, but not anymore. Now I'm just a clam and I live inside this shell inside this shell I am. God damn I hate my brain.”

“I'll dip my brain in medicine so that you can stand to be with me.”

“Give me your tired, give me your tired, give me your poor. When our government acts like this, I wonder what World War II was for and the rest of the country hates us more and more. Lady Liberty is not a whore.”

“This is not a protest, it's a tortoise slowly pushing through a race. I hope the tortoise keeps its patience while the hare continues to pepper-spray its face.”

“There is no enemy, there's only people that also love their families and they're scared that they won't have enough long after they are deceased. But how much money do they need? Love turns into fear, and fear turns into greed. There is no enemy, there's only dummies that also love their families.”

“And this is not a phase, it's just a matter of time, with diligence and peacefulness, you will reach them and you will change their minds. If you stay there long enough, they'll start to see you.”

“And when you pushed my face in shit how could that have made you feel like a man or like a monster. It's your fault that I can't tell the difference.”

“In the evening I try songwriting. I'm self loathing, but I love singing. I'll try escaping these evil feelings but they keep coming, they keep coming…”

“So the baby's gonna have a daddy, that's wonderful news. He won't be the greatest parent but neither will you! Gotta get out while you can, otherwise you're screwed. Your legs are broken and your eyes are black and blue.”

“And smoking is like hiring a hitman for five dollars a day, and as cool as that is, I don't wanna keep dying this way.”

Christmas Island (2014)

“Shoot him again ‘cause I can see his soul dancing.”

“If you give it to me I’ll give it back much harder. If you treat me like a son, then I’ll treat you like a daughter. Everyone has a future, everyone has a soul, everyone has a heart, they have a mind, they have control.”

“The Coffin Dancer dances like he has something the prove because he does. He sleeps a couple hours in the morning, hates the morning when he wakes up.”

“The Coffin Dancer dances like he wants to make a friend, but he does not.”

“Getting naked and playing with guns. There's a gerbil in the microwave, a baseball bat in everyone. Sharing kisses and building a bomb. We'll set it off like Microsoft in '94.”

“McDonald's PlayPlace before the Xbox, cake frosting, sweet talking, bedroom wall, covered in knives, touching God, burning shit. We'll make a wish and take a trip to Future Town like our daddy did.”

“Have you ever wanted to be, have you ever wanted to see someone better in the mirror? Have you ever wanted to go, have you ever wanted to know somewhere greener, somewhere cleaner. I bet you got something beautiful in mind.”

“I can’t handle astounding works of beauty. I think I like my pretty pretty ugly but the beautiful soul I witnessed in that movie was an entirely different kind of overwhelming. It was a dog that won’t stop barking. Like a cut that never stops bleeding. Arizona sunsets in the early evening. Or a grown man inconsolably weeping.”

“I am the Kool-Aid stains on the mouth of a kid whose name is most likely Cody. He had a juice box for breakfast and he carries a stick that he most likely found in the alley. Cody doesn't have friends and his parents hate each other and he wants to find a better way to love his family and after school he hangs out in the abandoned house behind the Arby's.”

The Bible 2 (2016)

“Oh, I love you cause I love you cause I can.”

“On your last night at Saint Mary's you were way too intoxicated to breathe. So I used your ribs as ladders and I climbed up on your chest and I jumped up and down just like a trampoline.”

“Confused and rude. Such a special kind of way to be cruel.”

“If I were one of the things, I'd be american garbage. The most beautiful thing. The most beautiful american garbage you have ever seen.”

“No more shame, no more fear, no more dread.”

“And if you don't want to feel the feeling, no one should ever make you feel the feeling.”

“I thought I saw you before I knew who you were.”

“I just wanted to rage but all I got was tired”

“I showed him all the books that I was raised on. Your Madeleine L'Engle(s) and D'Aulaires' Mythologies.”

“And his eyes became a beacon, an LCD projector, broadcasting all my memories in a clear and vivid picture. His tongue became a staircase, his uvula - The knocker of an ornate wooden door that lead me straight into my future. His throat became a hallway with a thousand baby pictures and I became forgiveness, I transformed into the closure that I lost when I learned about the tragedy of all of us. I lost it when I learned about the tragedy of all of us.”

Good Luck Everybody (2019)

“If you don't give it to them they'll starve to death and that's alright.”

“I've got the normalization blues, this isn't normal, this isn't good.”

“I'm detached and I'm distracted, all keyed up but unproductive, vacillating between being all excited and disgusted and then dozing lackadaisically in this bubble where I've made my mental home. Connection's more important now than it ever was, but I'd rather be alone.”

“And when we talk about the president, we're either pissed off or we're giggling about an atrocity he's committing or some stupid shit he's tweeting. He's a symptom and a weapon of the evil men who really run the show. The ones who melt down human beings into money like a cruel Sorcerer's Stone.”

“This is the golden age of dickotry, probably the last golden age of anything, and the ugliest word in the English language is anthropocene. Good luck, everybody. Good luck.”

“But before that, you'll be a doormat, for every vicious narcissist in the world. Oh how they'll screw you, all up and over, then feed you silence for dessert.”

“I'm sorry that you have to have a body, filled with infection, one hundred scabs singing in unison, eyes and hands, sometimes bullets, uninvited, passing through us.”

“Oh to be awake for such a shitty dream. A bullet in the head of every decent thing.”

“The lake of dead black children that America created is getting fuller than the founding Fathers even wanted. The ghost of great America was underestimated and now it rages like a cold sore on the lip of this dumb nation. Again we've slipped inside a pit of absolute despair. That's where we live.”

“Rewarding our worst cruelty, they destroyed our shared reality, and now they upsell us our dignity like some fucked VIP package.”

“There is no absolute, these days there's no such thing as truth and you don't need to be a dick about it.”

“I'm a burnout and a fool, oblivious to all I do. I move my lips when I read and breathe with my mouth open, wide open. Timid, meek, and cruel, this is the best that I can do. I need to speak my truth, yet here I'm broken wide, wide open. My resentment, big and strong, and all the things that I can't change. They'll buckle me beneath the weight. I will drive myself insane with all the things that I can't change. I hate all the things that I can't change.”

“You're a loudmouth and a tool, and as it turns out I am too, and you don't need to be a dick about it.”

“Because I know that you know what I need more than me and I know that you need me more than that.”

“For all the pussies you grab and the children you lock up in prison, for all the rights you roll back and your constant stream of racism, for all the poison you drip in my ear, for all your ugly American fear. I wrote you this beautiful song called Psychic Warfare.”

“I hate you with all of my heart. I hate you with all of my art.”

“I went back to the desert, little Midwest in me, and now I am colder than I used to be. I live in a fortress the shape of my body, and now there's a coldness, and it's shaped like me. Now I don't suffer any more bullshit gladly. Even though everything's bullshit now, here in 2019 and you can bet it's gonna be a bunch of bullshit too out in sweet 2020 or whenever this album's released.”

[inactiveaccount73]

I Need My Girl

Jason Todd x fem!reader/ (Slight) Garfield Logan x reader

Inspiration: Song: I Need My Girl by The National

Summary: The reader (Jason’s crush) pushes him out of the way to save him. The reader goes to hospital and while Jason’s and the rest of the Titans are waiting for any news Jason’s guilt eats him alive.

Warnings: One swear word, angst, fluff, first kiss as a couple, reader almost dies, Jason crying cause he’s my baby and I don’t want him to cry but I make him cry anyway and I should really make a happy thing with Jason but I just don’t ???

“Jason look out!” She shouted pushing him away mere seconds before she took the blast. Everything froze and Jason couldn’t hear himself scream but he felt it. The burning of his throat like he’d swallowed a wildfire slowly turned to coal that weighed in his stomach as he made his way to her. He fell to his knees and pulled her softly so that her head rested on his thighs. He just stared at her with blurry eyes that seemed to her blurrier. That’s the last thing he remembered before he was waiting in the hospital.

Dick, Rachel and Kori sat on the scratchy and uncomfortable hospital chairs. While Jason and Garfield paced around the waiting room.

"Guys could you please sit down you're making me more nervous." Rachel said as her head was in her hands.

"No we can't. Look I'm sorry Rach but I'm not going to sit down. I can't. I can't-" Garfield put a shaky hand through his green hair as he let out an even shakier breath. Kori stood up and made him sit down.

"Why is no one saying anything?! Jesus Y/n could be dying or dead because of me and no one-" Jason shouted

"Jason don't talk like that." Rachel muttered, eyes brimming with fresh tears.

"But it's the truth." Jason countered

"Would you two shut it." Dick said. Everyone jumped that was the first thing that Dick said since they'd been in the waiting room.

“No Dick I’m not shutting up. Y/n is one of us. If she wasn’t so fucking selfless then I would be in the hospital bed that she’s in and to be honest I’d trade places with her in a heartbeat. I’m not bothered about people dying. People die everyday but I don’t want her to die today." Jason got up and walked off. The cold air bit him but he couldn’t care less. His mind was whirling. Why him? Why did you save him? Out of all the team why would you save him? He didn’t have powers like Kori or Raven or Gar. He was a shadow to Dick. He knew he’d never be what Bruce wanted him to be. Bruce wanted him to be like Dick but he wasn’t.

I can't get my head around it

I keep feeling smaller and smaller

I need my girl

After what felt like eternity one of the nurses came.

"Excuse me are you all here for Y/n Y/l/n?" A nurse said everyone looked at her.

"Yes we are. Is anything wrong?" Kori asked. The nurse smiled warmly

"No nothing's wrong, your friend is lucky to have survived that." Garfield nervously chuckled putting his hands behind his head and resting on the back of the seat

"Yeah she is a lucky charm."

"You're free to see her now." The nurse informed them, everyone got up quickly.

"I'll go get Jason." Kori said everyone nodded as she went out the door to find him.

***********

Beep. Beep. Beep. The sound of a heart monitor was the sound that filled her ears as she woke up slowly. Y/n slowly blinked and groaned at the light. As her eyes adjusted she could make out three figures; Garfield, Dick and Rachel. Her voice was hoarse.

“Where’s Kori and Jason?”

"Kori went to find Jason. He couldn't handle it." Rachel said her chin length bon was slightly messy. Guilt filled Y/n. Y/n and Jason has always been close since she’d first joined the Titans. She’s seen sides of Jason none of them ever would. She didn't even want to think about what could've happened if she hadn't of made it. She shook her head.

“You have no idea how happy I am that you survived.” Dick spoke she chuckled slightly.

“You and I both Dicky.” They smiled at each other.

“Y/n/n." She heard a voice say barely above a whisper, the team made way for Jason as he hugged her.

"C'mon guys lets leave Jason and Y/n for awhile. Glad to see you’re better Y/n." Kori said. Everyone left but Garfield cast one last look at Y/n before Kori gave him a quick, swift kick in the shin. He let out a soft groan before leaving. Jason and Y/n laughed. They both nodded in thanks. She returned the gesture before walking out.

"I'm guessing the team have already said how glad they are to have you back." Jason said

"Yeah." There was a silence. "Rachel told me how you couldn't handle it." Her voice was sympathetic. Jason chuckled as a few tears streamed down his face. Y/n laid a hand on his cheek and he nuzzled into it.

"I am sorry you know. I thought I'd be stronger but when the doctors weren't telling us anything it hit me like a truck that I might be losing my best friend and when I thought I'd lost you. You have no idea how scared I was when I thought I would never be able to tell you how much I-" Jason cut himself off before he went any further. He stuffed his hands in his jean pockets and broke eye contact. Y/n raised a questionable eyebrow but said nothing.

“Now you know how I feel when you get hurt.” Jason chuckled “besides it’s gonna have to take a lot more than that to finish me off. I am a Titan after all.”

"To right you are. No wonder your nickname’s lucky, you've always been lucky you know ever since you came into my life I feel like it’s become a better place.”

“I know Jay.” The air was filled with a comfortable silence except for the beeping.

“Jason.” He hummed “what were you going to say before you cut yourself off?” Jason looked like he’d just been caught doing something he shouldn’t of been doing.

“You know the usual sappy stuff when you nearly lose someone.” He said taking his hands out of his pockets and using one to rub the back of his neck.

“So say it.”

“Huh?”

“Say the sappy stuff that people say when they nearly lose someone.” There was a mischievous glint in her eye and Jason chuckled.

“Fine. Y/n Y/l/n I couldn’t imagine my life without you. Everyday you make my life a better place and I feel so much happier with you by my side.”

“No offence Jay but that sounded more like a marriage proposal and you can’t propose without dating a girl gees Jason.” She said laughing. He grabbed her face and pushed his lips to hers. They moved in sync as she grabbed his wrist. They broke apart and Jason opened his mouth "I feel the same bozo don't worry." He smiled.

"Which is why I've decided on something that will keep you out of harms way. You're never going on a mission again unless you're with me," Jason told Y/n in a half joking, half serious tone.

"Well you are the reason I’m in here anyway. But if I don't go how am I supposed to help you out. The whole team knows you never think of a plan." Jason laughed.

"So you never look behind you. Is there a reason for that or did you just do it?" Y/n shrugged.

"I guess if I look back then I'm scared I'm gonna get lost in the past and I won't be able to do anything 'cause I'll be stuck there. I’ve been stuck in the past for to long and I need to change it but no matter how much you want to change something in the past it's stuck there now forever and there's nothing you can do about it. " Jason was left speechless he never though there would be an actual reason as to why she never looked back. It scared Jason how she never had any emotion in her when she said that or in her face. "Besides I didn't want to see how far you were behind me." She added with a light laugh.

“More like how close I was.”

"Yeah right. I was faster than you and you knew it." They both laughedz

"Sir I'm sorry but visiting hours are almost over and Miss Y/l/n will need to get some rest." Jason nodded and pressed a long chaste kiss to the crown of Y/n’s head.

“Soon as your out of here I’m taking you on a date.” He whispered

“Can’t wait.” She whispered back and Jason broke out into a boyish grin. She chuckled. “Right go come on Jay I need my beauty sleep.”

“Trust me baby you really don’t.” She blushes and Jason chuckled. "See you tomorrow.”

“Bye handsome.” He excused himself past the nurse and towards the team.

"Do you know how long she's gonna be in here for?" Garfield asked Jason shook his head. Garfield’s demeanour slumped.

“I hope it’s not long though I’ve got to take her on a date.” Jason said everyone stared at him wide eyed. Garfield lightly punched his shoulder and Dick ruffled his hair.

"We'll visit her everyday though." Rachel said

"For sure." Jason said

"Let's get going." Kori suggested the team hummed in agreement before walking out of the hospital where Y/n wouldn’t be in for much longer.

[etlunainmorte]

Part 3 - Nero

***

***

To your utter confusion, Nico was quiet all day. In fact, not a sound could be heard inside the house that one bright and sunny morning.

Sure, Nero taught her to do useful things. He even taught her how to behave properly in front of his friends and guests. Not to mention the many, many hours he spent with her in order to teach her what he proudly called, some "world - class skills".

Despite all that upbringing, Nico sure had a big mouth to show, and that boundless energy to boot. She's still as rambunctious as the rest of her kind. And most importantly, she's still trying her very best, on a daily basis, to bully that poor newspaper boy who was always dropping by your house.

Needless to say, you've been so accustomed to living with these two, and you're so used to their noises and their quirks.

However, to your utter confusion, Nico was quiet all day. In fact, not a sound could be heard inside the house that one bright and sunny morning.

Even her tiny traces could not be seen.

For a small and energetic dog such as Nico, she sure tried her very best to not slather you with her saliva that same morning. And that, nonetheless, bothered you.

"Nico!" You called for the third time that morning as you got out of bed. "Come here, girl!"

You've waited for, at least, three more minutes, and when she still didn't come to you on your fourth call, you instantly felt the stab of loneliness come back to haunt you. Nero, who typically doesn't start his day - to - day routine without having a hearty and healthy breakfast with you first, was nowhere to be found. As soon as your hand felt the emptiness of the side of the bed where he used to lie on, you felt the negative emotions come crashing down upon you once more. It hurt, feeling so heavy deep down inside. It hurt when you tried to hide it from your boyfriend and from your small group of friends. It hurt when you insisted to smile for them to show that you're okay.

It hurt even more to wake up without Nero beside you.

He's,... your everything. His funny antics in and out of the battlefield made you laugh out loud. His boyish smile and his mannerisms made you smile a lot. His sweetness and his caring attitude always made your day, heck, even your whole week.

And with him gone, it hurt. It hurt so,... so much,...

"WOOF!"

Your eyes widened and your mood perked up a bit when you heard the familiar bark, and when you turned around to face the dog, you were so surprised to see her.

Well, seeing her sitting and wagging her tail like that was normal for you.

What you did find surprising about her was the (F/C) - colored balloon tied on her yellow leash.

Wait a second,...

"WOOF!" Nico barked at you once more, as if trying to tell you to come to her, and when you did, she hastily stood up and went outside the room. You tried to chase her but, before you could even grab her leash, you noticed a piece of paper lying on the floor next to your feet. And on the paper were some words written using some crayons.

Good morning, beautiful! The words read. And the only name that came up on your head was his.

It was Nero, and he was clearly up to something.

You heard Nico's bark once more. You looked up just in time to see her disappear around the corner.

Then, you found another piece of paper on the ground where the dog went.

Have I told you that, the message read. You picked up the paper and looked in front of you.

There it is again, you thought. Another note.

You are amazing?

Have I told you that,

Your smile can cure cancer?

Did they know that,

Your eyes shine like a million diamonds in the sky?

You giggled at the messages. "Oh, come on, Nero! How cheesy can you get?"

Despite the overwhelming cheesiness, you went on picking up the notes that were left on the ground on your way outside the house.

Did they know that,

Your laugh sounds like church bells?

Have they told you,

That you are the best friend anyone could ask or?

Have they told you,

That you are the best girlfriend in the whole wide world?

Did you know,

That this is not the only surprise I have for you?

You read the words, then you read them again. You looked up, and saw none other than Nero standing not far from the old tree where the orphans used to play hide and seek on. Except that the children were nowhere to be found. Instead, Nico was there standing next to Nero, still barking excitedly.

And Nero? He was holding his uncle Dante's old acoustic guitar.

"Good job for bringing her here, Nico!" Nero said as he scratched the dog behind her ears and gave her some treats. "Here you go!"

You shook your head and smiled as you made your way towards him.

"Is it Valentine's already?" You joked, fully anticipating the surprise he has for you. "And I thought you'd never use - "

But, you were not given the chance to finish your sentence as your boyfriend cleared his throat and positioned his fingers on the strings of the old guitar. He started plucking on the strings for a few minutes, opened his mouth, and started singing.

"With every - hey!"

"What?"

"You are supposed to sit down, (Y/N)."

Nero gestured something with his pouty lips and noticed that he was pointing at the swing right in front of him. He wanted you to sit there as he played the guitar.

Feeling satisfied when you finally did what he wanted you to do, he shrugged his shoulders and breathed through his nose.

Then, he finally began singing.

With every appearance by you, blinding my eyes,

I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do.

You're an angel disguised.

And you're lying real still,

But your heart beat is fast just like mine.

And the movie's long over,

That's three that have passed, one more's fine.

You admitted to yourself that Nero doesn't have the best singing voice in the world but, you, sitting on the swing as he serenaded you with one of your favorite songs as a couple,...

... it really felt like,...

Will you stay awake for me?

I don't wanna miss anything,

I don't wanna miss anything.

I will share the air I breathe.

I'll give you my heart on a string.

I just don't wanna miss anything.

Your hand automatically went to your chest, clutching it as your heart twitched with the emotions that you tried really hard to hide from him, of all people. You wanted so much to throw yourself at him. How you wanted to cry your heart out and shout at the top of your lungs until you have no more tears left to cry. You wanted so badly to just let your emotions take over your system as Nero sang the song for you.

But, then again, you can't. You don't want to.

And how could you? Not when Nero clearly tried his best to surprise you like this?

Of course, he noticed everything! From your tired, bloodshot eyes, to the huge, dark bags under them. To your ever declining appetite, to the way you must've trembled when you tried to suppress the sobs every night.

He,... noticed everything.

You don't want to give in to your emotions but, then again, how could you not?

I'm trying real hard not to shake, I'm biting my tongue.

But I'm feeling alive and with every breathe that I take,

I feel like I've won, you're my key to survival.

And if it's a hero you want I can save you, just stay here.

Your whispers are priceless,

Your presence is too so please stay here.

Nero's smile did not vanish and his voice did not waver as you finally allowed your shoulders to slump, and your emotions to take over you.

With one hand on your mouth, and your eyes slightly closed, the tears,... finally came flowing out,...

Will you stay awake for me?

I don't wanna miss anything,

I don't wanna miss anything.

I will share the air I breathe.

I'll give you my heart on a string.

I just don't wanna miss anything.

Say my name. I just want to hear you.

Say my name. So I know it's true.

You're changing me. You're changing me.

You showed me how to live.

So just say. So just say,...

That you'll stay awake for me.

I don't wanna miss anything,

I don't wanna miss anything.

I will share the air I breathe.

I'll give you my heart on a string.

I just don't wanna miss anything.

With a few more skillful plucks of the guitar strings, the song finally ended.

And you? You're still crying, yes.

But, at the same time, you were giggling like crazy.

The tears were still falling, yes.

But, at the same time, somehow,...

... you no longer felt sad.

And this made Nero chuckle as he scratched the back of his head.

"That good you cried?" He asked.

"What,... did I just see?" You playfully questioned with a smile as you wiped your tears with the sleeves of your knitted sweater.

"Ah, I was practicing for the Red Grave Charity Concert." He told you. But, of course, you knew that was a lie. "So, what do you think?"

You sat up straight, inhaled through your nose and exaggeratedly breathed out. "I think it's too cheesy."

"Cheesy?!"

"Yes!" You declared at the top of your lungs. Then, you stood up, went towards him and placed your arms around his neck. "And I love it so much."

And before Nero could even complain, you peppered his face and his soft lips with little kisses that made him laugh. He pulled you closer and wrapped you in his arms, not wanting to let you go.

"I should really put up a band next time." He said as he smiled beneath your kisses.

"I won't allow it."

"Why not?!"

"Because you'll get too many fangirls!"

"Aren't you just being jealous?"

"So, what if I' am?"

"HEY, ASSHOLE!"

The two of you looked just in time to see the all - too familiar Devil May Cry Fortuna branch van screeching and careening towards you and only stopping when it was only mere inches away from you, effectively scaring the dog away.

"Hey! Have you still not learned how to drive? You're gonna get us killed!" Nero screamed as the Artisan's head popped out of the window. "And you scared Nico away!"

"If I hear the name of that mongrel again, I swear I'd cook her in a steel pot together with that electric chicken!" The real, human Nico scolded, and when she saw how close you and Nero were, her face contorted in utter disgust. "And, eww! Flirtin' so early on in the morning? Get in the car already! We're so damn late for the Charity concert!"

"Alright! Shut up already! And don't talk about my Nico like that! She's still smarter than you!"

***

❤ You can find Part 1 here. ❤

💙 And Part 2 here. 💙

***

💙💙💙

***

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: Your lot is doing Summer in Dublin then Buster: Yeah Buster: As standard Rio: Yeah Rio: thought with the move you might not Buster: You thought wrong then Rio: alright Rio: how are you? Buster: Don't Rio: It matters Buster: It didn't last week or whenever the fuck you last spoke to me Rio: Don't need me to tell you things have changed though Buster: But here you are, spelling it out for me, babe Buster: So cheers Rio: that's not what I'm trying to do Buster: What are you trying to do? Rio: ask you how you're doing Rio: to give you a chance to talk, if you wanted it Buster: Well now you have, guess that means we're done Rio: You don't wanna talk about it Buster: Talk about what? Rio: The baby Rio: your brother Buster: I ain't got a brother Rio: You were going to Buster: I'm gonna do loads of things, you don't wanna hear about any of 'em Rio: Go on Rio: try me Buster: I ain't some cunt that's all talk, you can see for yourself if you're around this summer Rio: yeah? Buster: There's not gonna be much in the way of parental supervision, like Buster: Gotta make the most of that Rio: Makes sense Buster: I'll take that Rio: Fair Rio: have you seen your new house, what's it like Buster: Big Rio: Descriptive Rio: send me a link or something Buster: You can just say you wanna see my room Rio: You're stupid Rio: suppose you've already claimed the biggest one Buster: 'Course 'cause I ain't stupid Rio: Lucky you Rio: I always have to share with at least one other person Buster: I don't even have to share a bathroom with Nance, we've both got our own Buster: Perks of being the only kids who made it this far, like Rio: It's something, yeah? Buster: It's everything Buster: My status as fave remains intact, every day you've got siblings coming for yours Buster: Can't catch a break, can you, Cavante? Always the unlucky one Buster: [does send her a link for that brag] Rio: I'm glad Rio: and it is big Rio: looks nice Buster: I wasn't lying Buster: I don't need to Rio: Didn't think you were Rio: just surprised Buster: What's surprising? Rio: All the stuff you'll have to buy to fill it Buster: Couple of shopping trips'll sort it Buster: You know what it's like once you start Rio: Yeah Rio: be fun to do Buster: If I didn't know you better I'd reckon you were angling for an invite Rio: Yeah right Rio: for Nancy's room, maybe Buster: You having this same convo with her? No doubt she'll let you hit the shops with her Rio: Not currently Rio: keep it in mind though Buster: Come on, what's she saying? Buster: You can tell me Rio: I ain't Rio: why would I say otherwise if I was Buster: Why would you be checking on me and not her? Buster: Giving yourself away there, babe Rio: Plenty of reasons Buster: Nah, just the one Rio: You reckon? Buster: I know Buster: Like I said, she's no competition Buster: I'm easily everyone in this fam's fave and that includes you Rio: Let's not get carried away Rio: I'm just being nice Buster: Fuck that, you feel sorry for me Buster: Don't get carried away with that shit Buster: In fact, don't bother with it in the first place Rio: No, I'm sorry something really shit happened to you and your family Rio: that's not the same thing Buster: Nothing happened to me, write in a card to my mum and dad if it'll make you feel better Rio: well it did Rio: but you can ignore it if you want Buster: And what the fuck would you even know about what did or didn't happen anyway Rio: the baby died Buster: Yeah and I mean, who have you ever lost? Buster: You don't know fuck all Rio: I didn't say I got it Buster: Good 'cause you clearly don't Buster: He can't have died if he never took a breath, can he? He wasn't alive Rio: Alright Buster: My dad already sorted me a boxing club before this so I will be Buster: Can't and won't speak for the rest, like I said, you'll have to hit them up to hear that Rio: That's good Rio: I will do Rio: Nance, obviously Rio: not your parents Buster: They're fair game as long as you ain't expecting anything back Buster: Nothing personal, obviously Rio: I'm not going to bother them Rio: not a total idiot Buster: Just me then Buster: You're really proving me right about how special I am Buster: Even if you ain't more excited about the Chelsea champ I'm about to become Rio: I don't think living in the postcode is a requirement Rio: or will do you any favours but you know Rio: all the best players get discovered when they're kids don't they Buster: I reckoned it had a nice ring to it, that's all Buster: Yeah, that's why I'm telling you to watch this space Buster: You can say you knew me when Rio: Gee, thanks Rio: I'll be too busy living my best life but if I'm asked, like Buster: You're never gonna come watch me? Rio: That depends, obviously Buster: I'll obviously win if that's what you're worried about Buster: No need to drown our sorrows Rio: Wasn't Rio: though I'm glad I won't have to see you vom again Rio: depends who my mega rich husband plays for Rio: got to be loyal, like Buster: Yeah, to me Buster: Blood's thicker than his wage packet Rio: Now it is, suddenly Buster: What's that meant to mean? Rio: Well you're telling me to piss off right now but in the future I've gotta ditch my husband for you, yeah? Buster: Yeah, 'cause I ain't said anything of the sort Buster: What I've actually said is I'll see you around this summer Rio: It was implied Buster: Why, 'cause I don't wanna be the guest of honour at some pity party you're trying to throw me? Buster: Don't be a baby Rio: It's not a pity party, you said you're alright and I said the same back Rio: was just asking, weren't I Buster: Of all the shit you could ask me Rio: What do you want to be asked then Buster: When have I ever made life that easy for you? Buster: I know we haven't talked for ages but come on Rio: Again, now you admit it weren't a week, like Rio: just come out and say you wanna keep chatting longer tbh Buster: You first Buster: I wasn't the one who started this convo Buster: You can just say you miss me, babe Rio: Why would I say a thing like that Buster: 'Cause it's true Rio: yeah, 'course Rio: 🙄 Buster: Yeah, 'course Buster: But you can ignore it if you want Rio: Shut up Buster: Make me Rio: Could, easily Rio: but as I'm being nice, despite how hard you like to make it Buster: Do it then Buster: Nobody asked you to be nice Buster: It's boring Rio: Not here to entertain you Rio: or tarnish my 😇 soul thank you Buster: If you're not gonna distract me, what's the point? Buster: There's a long line of cunts waiting to be sorry for my loss Rio: Not what I was offering Rio: was to talk, properly Rio: how many cunts have tried that yet Buster: They know better than to try anything with me, why don't you? Rio: 'cos I know AND do better Rio: obviously Buster: Yeah? Buster: Prove it Rio: to you? Buster: Obviously Rio: Like I said, easy Buster: Like I said, do it then Rio: What do you think I'm gonna do here and now Rio: wait and see, weren't it? Buster: You're not gonna do anything 'cause you're full of shit clearly Buster: My first instinct of you knowing fuck all was right is all we've proved Rio: I'm here doing shit still Rio: but forcing you to have any kind of actual conversation would be counterproductive Rio: even if I could, I won't Buster: What do you want me to say? Buster: I'd love to know what you think an actual conversation about any of this shit would look like Buster: I'm not a little fucking girl Rio: Didn't say you were Rio: and as long as you're saying what you want to say Rio: fine by me Buster: I'm not gonna say shit I don't want to Buster: Why would I? Rio: Loads of reasons people do Rio: but you don't need to Buster: What do I need to do then? Buster: Come on Rio: What's right for you Rio: for now Rio: like I said, you wanna forget about it or pretend, then have a go Buster: Cheers for the permission Rio: It ain't Rio: isn't what I'd recommend or anything but you gotta do what you gotta do Buster: Like I said, who died and made you the expert? Rio: Why are you assuming I'm right and you're wrong Rio: unless you've got doubts, I ain't putting them there Buster: Shut up Rio: Fine Buster: Don't fine me Buster: Fuck you Rio: You want me to say no, I won't shut up Rio: what Buster: Get out of my head Rio: You wanna be alone in it Buster: I am Rio: you don't have to be Buster: Yeah I do Rio: why? Buster: What do you mean why? Buster: It's already happened, no takebacks Rio: 'course there is Buster: You don't get it so get out Rio: I know your parents are Rio: you can't get them right now Rio: but there are other people too Buster: What do I need other people for? Buster: What can they do? Rio: Make it so you aren't alone Buster: Bullshit Rio: they can try Buster: There's no fixing this Buster: It's done Rio: no, of course not Rio: it'll always be there Rio: but pretending it don't matter isn't the only way you can feel alright about it Buster: I already told you, it don't matter to me Buster: If you want someone to be gutted that they ain't gotta spend their time covered in baby shit or years looking out for another person that ain't me Rio: Then there's nothing I can say but fine Rio: what else can I say to that Buster: It ain't stopped you so far Rio: I'll give up and you can be happy about that and all Rio: you're welcome, like Buster: Good Buster: Don't take your bullshit to Nance either, yeah? Buster: She's fine too Rio: I can talk to her if I want Buster: I'm telling you, you can't Buster: So you can't Rio: You can't tell me what to do, is right Buster: I just did Rio: Well sorry to burst your bubble but I won't be listening Buster: Leave her alone or you'll be sorry, like Rio: Oh, shut up, Buster Rio: anyone normal would appreciate the concern, so she'll be fine Buster: She's already fine Buster: and there's fuck all she needs from you even if she wasn't Rio: I can still tell her I'm here if she does need me Rio: you can't stop me, or make out like that's a fucked up thing to do Buster: Upsetting her by bringing all this up is a fucked up thing to do Rio: It only just fucking happened Rio: she'll be upset regardless Rio: and knowing we all give a shit how she feels might bring a tiny bit of comfort if nothing else Buster: She's got me to give a shit how she feels Buster: She doesn't need family members who only come out the woodwork for drama or whatever the fuck Rio: So you're gonna stop her having anyone else, just because you don't want 'em Rio: you don't own her, she can tell me as much herself as and when Rio: and that's not me, fuck you Buster: Who the fuck else are you? Like I said when you first started trying this bullshit, you didn't give a fuck about how we were before this Rio: I talk to her all the time Rio: I don't talk to you because this is about how it goes Buster: We both know why you don't talk to me Buster: If you so badly want me to stop pretending, try it yourself Rio: We don't need to talk about that Rio: was ages ago Buster: Well, in that case, I can't wait for this to have happened ages ago if it means we'll have no reason to talk again Rio: Give it time Buster: Anything else? Buster: You got any other bullshit our parents normally say that you wanna recycle or are you finally running out now Rio: Like yours have, yeah? Buster: Probably not a good time for you to try and slag mine off to be honest, babe Rio: It's not as if they and you don't have bigger problems so not really Buster: Bigger problems than a dead kid? How do you reckon? Rio: Bigger problems than me 'slagging them off' Buster: I see what you're trying to do with it though, normally that'd work on me Buster: Give it time Rio: and that's the least of my concerns but 👍 Buster: You started this convo to get me to talk so it obviously isn't Buster: And really you should take any way in Buster: Whatever you can get, like Rio: Not a therapist Rio: that's what they do Rio: I said you can bullshit for yourself, not that I need to hear it Buster: Stop acting like one then Buster: Jesus, you used to be more fun than this Rio: Not in the mood Rio: funnily enough Buster: Yeah, well funnily enough I'm not in the mood to sit here and talk about how shit everything is Rio: 'cos if you ignore it hard enough it'll stop being shit Rio: solid theory, probably Buster: You ever seen your dad cry? I'm fairly confident he wanted me to ignore that 'cause of how hard he tried to act like he wasn't Rio: It must be shit being a dad Rio: you have to be the strong one for everyone else too, regardless Buster: That's being a man, whether you have kids or not Rio: But you're only doing it for yourself, if you ain't got them Rio: or at least a wife or whatever Buster: That'd make it harder wouldn't it? Just doing it for yourself, on your own with no fallback Buster: Gotta be easier if you're a dad and can focus on what everyone else needs Rio: Yeah Rio: but technically, you wouldn't have to, if no one is looking Buster: You would if you didn't wanna be a pussy Buster: 'Cause what kind of life is that Rio: You can be upset by shit and still not let it eat you up Rio: do something about it, you know Rio: not one extreme or the other Buster: If it's not an extreme thing, maybe Buster: Like some cunt cutting you off in traffic or whatever Rio: because there's nothing you can do about this Rio: 'cept just Rio: live through it and with it Buster: You're not as stupid as you've been acting this whole time then Buster: Good to know Rio: I've not been acting nothing Rio: wanting to say the right thing and being able to are two different things Buster: So say you don't know Rio: Oh yeah, Hi, I don't know what to say Rio: that's less useful than having a go Buster: It'd be better than acting like you're got all the answers when you don't Buster: And trying to give 'em to me Rio: That's not what I was trying to do Buster: Could've fooled me, like Buster: Every cunt thinks they know how I feel or are trying to tell me how I should Rio: I was just trying to ask Rio: I said Rio: you'll do what you gotta, you're not a total idiot all the time Buster: I'm surprised you remember what I'm like Buster: It's been ages Rio: say it's been that long is a bit dramatic though Buster: Aren't I allowed to be dramatic though? Buster: Unfair if not Rio: I remember you don't have much interest in what you are and aren't allowed to do anyway so Rio: doesn't matter Buster: It won't matter if I have a drink then Buster: So long as I remember brandy's shit Rio: what are you going to have Buster: Whatever else I can find Buster: Shame you ain't here to help me look or keep a look out Rio: flattered you trust me with either, like Buster: You were always good for either Buster: Unlike Nance Rio: all got to have our uses Rio: I won't talk to her, if you really think it'll upset her too much Buster: Like you said, she'll be upset if you do or don't Buster: That's not the problem Rio: Yeah Rio: goes without saying Rio: and it's probably just another stupid thing to say Rio: but I'm sorry Buster: You didn't kill him Buster: And you'd probably make her feel better or some shit Rio: Alright Rio: it won't be like this Rio: probably Rio: she's not as much of a twat as you, like Buster: Cheers Buster: All gotta have our uses, babe Buster: Mine just happens to be winding you up Rio: You do it well Buster: 'Course Buster: I do everything well Buster: It's why I'm the fave Rio: So you keep saying Buster: Until you at least try and argue back, I've gotta Rio: can't deny facts, don't need to argue them Rio: 👸 me Buster: Princesses are shit, why would you wanna be like that? Rio: How are they shit? Buster: What else would you call waiting around to be saved and kissed and all that bullshit? Rio: they aren't even like that anymore Rio: and better than being a 🤴 Rio: they barely had names, nevermind stories beyond showing up at the end when all the shit had settled down Buster: I'm just saying, if you want something fucking get it Buster: And who cares about a name if you can have a ⚔ Rio: maybe they wanna be kissed and saved, they get that Buster: Shit thing to want Buster: If you can have anything Rio: Yeah, a sword is well better Buster: A fight is Rio: 🙄😏 Buster: You should have a go Buster: You'd like it Rio: I'm not getting lumpy ears and a wonky nose, thanks Buster: Learn to block and keep your guard up then Buster: It ain't difficult Rio: I'll leave it to you, still Buster: I didn't wanna teach you anyway Rio: you didn't offer Buster: You saying you'd change your mind if I did offer? Rio: Summer is long Rio: have to find shit to do Buster: Alright then Buster: I'll show you how to save yourself, princess Rio: Alright Rio: no ⚔s Buster: I don't need 'em so neither will you after I'm done teaching you what I know Rio: You're on, McKenna Buster: I'm always on, babe Buster: Too much to do to switch off Rio: Really Rio: like what Buster: Like becoming more famous than your future first husband Rio: That's so rude 😒😂 Buster: It's rude that I've gotta go that hard to get your attention Buster: You could just cheer for me Rio: Not enough that all the Chelsea supporters will be, nah Buster: There's no such thing as enough Buster: It's gotta be all or nothing Rio: Never gonna please everyone Buster: I will everyone who's watching Rio: 👌 Buster: You'll see if you're there Buster: Just that good Rio: If you're even half as good as you brag, sure it'll be impressive Buster: 😒😂 Rio: Guess I'll see you around then Buster: Yeah Rio: Really Rio: not gonna hit me with a final 'hope not'? Buster: I wouldn't have said it first if I was gonna Rio: just not wanting to speak to me ever again, like Rio: okay Buster: I'm replying now Buster: If I didn't want to, I'd just be reading Rio: not gonna talk to myself am I Buster: I don't know Rio: 🙄 Rude Rio: you aren't the only one with things to do Buster: Well, I'm off the to-do-list now, yeah? Buster: Good deed done Buster: Not that leaving me to drink alone qualifies, like Rio: Reckoned that was what you wanted so, does Rio: 'Well, in that case, I can't wait for this to have happened ages ago if it means we'll have no reason to talk again' is a decent enough hint, like Buster: Rio Rio: Yeah? Buster: I don't know Buster: Forget it Rio: why Buster: What? Rio: why do we have to forget it Buster: Life's a headfuck right now Buster: If you really need a why Rio: yeah Rio: it is and I do Buster: Or we can say that once I've got this drink down me I'll likely forget loads anyway Buster: And I'll definitely chat more bullshit than I already have Rio: Might not be the sensible thing to do, or right or Rio: whatever Rio: but its probably the only so Rio: go ahead Buster: When have I ever done the sensible or right thing? You've got the wrong twin Rio: Easy mistake to make Buster: That's well offensive Buster: Worse than the taste of this Rio: plug your nose Buster: You should've given me those instructions when I wiped the thick layer of dust off the bottle, but cheers Buster: Worked out why it was still there though, ain't we Rio: 😷 Rio: you know the drill Rio: just pretend its medicine and get it down Buster: Easy enough when it tastes like it is Rio: bottoms up, boy Rio: I'd say I'd virtually join you but not anywhere long enough for shit to collect dust so Buster: How many 🎄🎁s do you reckon it's been in the cupboard? Rio: Probably since before we were born, like all things we're meant to forget about 🙄 Buster: How am I meant to forget about him? Rio: I don't know Rio: do you want to Buster: Maybe Buster: I think my mum and dad want me to Rio: Yeah? Rio: Maybe they're just not ready to talk about it yet, like Buster: Like you said, it's what this family does Buster: Loads of things we're meant to pretend never happened Rio: Has it ever actually worked, though Rio: we all still remember it, we're just meant to shut up about it Buster: Ask me in the future Buster: We can find out if it works or not Rio: Alright Rio: remind me in however many years Buster: Alright Buster: Since you've reminded me to remind you Buster: Do you reckon I'll always feel like this? Rio: I don't think anything stays the same forever Rio: so you've got a good chance that no, you won't Rio: sometimes better, sometimes worse Buster: Do you really not? Rio: Yeah Rio: everything is always different for me Rio: new countries, new siblings, whatever Rio: might be nice if some things stayed but Rio: I don't think so Buster: I think it's a pretty safe bet that I'll think brandy tastes like shit forever Buster: And whatever this I've got now is Buster: No chance of any new siblings for me either Rio: Well, that's true Rio: maybe some things can and do stay then, for good and bad, just like change Rio: You don't think they will Buster: What do you want to stay? Rio: You mean aside from being favourite? Buster: That's a given, so what else? Rio: Hmm Rio: give me a second to think, like Buster: Come on, you have to know what you want Rio: To happen in the future, yeah Rio: but you're talking about staying Rio: me in 5, 10 years might not appreciate what she gets stuck with if you rush me Buster: Fuck it, I won't tell her Rio: be a waste of time travel if you did Buster: Exactly Buster: So you can just tell me Rio: I don't know, ugh! Rio: Just everyone else to stay Rio: really Rio: what else? Buster: It's shit that I don't get to Rio: to stay? Buster: Yeah Buster: I like being in Dublin Rio: You'll probably like London Rio: loads to do Buster: 'Course Rio: but I get it Rio: it's home, even though it ain't Buster: It's home 'cause granddad's there Buster: So he ain't allowed to die Rio: Should be good Rio: some perks to starting young, right Buster: I don't know, age obviously wasn't a factor for the baby Rio: I know Rio: but the baby was just Rio: it's not fair Buster: You're not allowed either, okay? Buster: So don't Rio: I won't Rio: promise Buster: Good Rio: No one else is gonna die Buster: Ever? Rio: Well, I probably won't be the first to go so I won't promise that Rio: but not for a really really long time Rio: 'til they're old, when you're meant to Buster: Okay Rio: okay Buster: I feel like when you're really really fucking hungry, you know? Buster: Except I'm not Rio: yeah Rio: like an actual ache Buster: If I drink all of this it'll go away, yeah? That's why the pub's always rammed, like Rio: Like you said, you'll forget Rio: for as long as it lasts Buster: I did say that Rio: I remember Rio: not got a drink, me Buster: You're gonna have one with me when I'm back though, ain't you? Rio: if we can get something better than brandy, sure Buster: That won't be hard Rio: easier than getting everyone to leave us alone Buster: I can do it Buster: Everyone fucks off when I'm angry Rio: just don't have a go at me then Buster: Don't be a baby Rio: 🙄 I'm not but you wanna not drink alone don't you Rio: that's the plan Buster: Fine, I won't have a go at you then Rio: 👍 Rio: you probably will but you know Buster: I give you my word Rio: You're funny Buster: I'm serious Rio: still Rio: talking like a 🤴 all of a sudden Buster: I am a 🤴 Rio: Okay, your highness 😏 Buster: 😏 Buster: I won't get used to you calling me that since you ain't the one who promised not to have a go at me Rio: We don't ever play that nice Rio: you wouldn't like it if I did Buster: Have you played truth or dare since? Rio: have you? Buster: I asked you first Rio: fine Rio: not very noble of you but Rio: few times, yeah Buster: What's a few? Rio: I dunno Rio: a go-to at sleepovers and stuff, ain't it Buster: Not for lads Rio: Obvs Rio: boys are less nosy than girls Buster: They don't need to be Buster: Lads tell each other shit if it's worth saying Rio: so do girls Rio: usually the person who suggests it is just waiting for the right 'truth' like Buster: Girls reckon everything's worth saying Buster: But yeah lads are just waiting for the right dare Rio: Yeah, your sister is well chatty 🙄 Buster: She's not like a girl girl Buster: Don't be weird Rio: she's not a boy is she Buster: You know what I mean Rio: it's not weird Rio: or what am I not a girl too Buster: You're not my sister Buster: And you're actually well chatty Rio: ha ha Rio: and still related though Buster: I ain't forgotten Rio: Good Rio: would have to tell someone if you were that gone, like Buster: You reckon you can get away with snitching on me again now, after the brandy? That's brave Rio: 'cos I am Rio: but not a snitch Rio: just not going to let you die either Buster: I didn't then Buster: And this time I'm well older Rio: good, then I won't need to, will I Buster: Nah Buster: You will need to show me how brave you really are though Rio: ? Rio: How Buster: Good question Rio: answer it then Buster: You're there and I'm here so I'm thinking Rio: 🤔 Buster: I'd dare you again but I have no way of checking if you properly did it Rio: depending, can send 📹📷🎙 Buster: Yeah? Rio: if you're serious Rio: why not Buster: Alright Buster: [future Jen insert a dare here that goes too hard for being 10 because you were thwarted very hard in your search] Rio: [let us assume it happened 'cos very unlikely she'd nope out] Rio: See? Told you Buster: Yeah, well I wasn't gonna hit you and teach you how to if you were a gonna be a little girl about it, was I? Buster: That'd be stupid and I ain't Rio: You know me Rio: like it or not Buster: But it's been ages Buster: Like it or not Rio: Well I've not changed for the worse Rio: I'm not stupid either, thanks Buster: Now I know that Buster: Don't you wanna ask me? Rio: You drunk enough to start telling the truth? Buster: Not a liar anyway Rio: I know Rio: Okay Rio: Do you miss us Buster: Depends who you mean Buster: I don't miss all your little brothers and sisters trying to tag along with us Buster: But I do miss you Rio: That's fair Buster: No it ain't Rio: it'd be good if you lived in Dublin Rio: everyone else does Rio: basically Buster: I know Rio: parents always do what they wanna though Buster: They didn't even ask us where we wanted to move Buster: Why can't I have a say, like? Rio: Think they know what's best Rio: even when there's fuck loads to show they don't Buster: They'll probably break up and then I'll have even more houses to live in Rio: You think so? Buster: None of my mates parents are still together and nothing this shit happened to cause it Rio: Suppose so Rio: you parents are different though Rio: no offense Buster: What the fuck does that mean? Rio: You know Rio: been together forever Rio: more to throw away than most, isn't it Buster: They had to throw him away, that's a lot too Rio: Yeah Rio: but your mum wouldn't have anyone Rio: well, Ro but Buster: Don't Rio: I'm just saying Rio: I don't think you have to worry about that Buster: And I'm saying my mum doesn't need anyone, she's literally the strongest person ever Buster: And you don't know what I have to worry about or not Rio: Alright Buster: Shut up Rio: I have Buster: I know you Buster: I know you haven't Rio: You're right that I don't know Rio: but if it's not comforting to say I don't think so then it ain't, not gonna force you to believe me Buster: It ain't your job to comfort me Rio: No Rio: just the right thing to do Rio: anyone would try Buster: Why do you have to do the right thing? Buster: Everything's wrong anyway Rio: that's easy then Rio: so one thing isn't Buster: If that makes you feel better Rio: Nothing is gonna make you feel better, yeah? Rio: maybe the drink, for a bit Rio: so why would I be thinking I could Buster: Why do you? Rio: I don't Buster: Then what's the point? Buster: I don't even know where you are, there's so much shit you could doing that ain't this Buster: Why do you wanna be here? Rio: Make myself feel better, like you said Rio: good deeds, whatever else Rio: go with that, if you like Buster: Or you could go with a truth Buster: Even though we ain't still playing Rio: 'cos he was your brother Rio: so he was my cousin Rio: and even if I get it wrong, then you can be angry at me Rio: which will feel better than being angry at the world Buster: What's it feel like from over there? Rio: just Rio: useless Rio: makes you feel useless Buster: Yeah Buster: I feel useless too Buster: Nance really wants to talk about him but there's nothing to say Buster: He didn't get to do anything Rio: Yeah Rio: maybe you can just listen Buster: I can't Buster: I just get angry Buster: that she's sad and there's no way to stop it Buster: And then she gets angry at me back, 'cause I'm not sad Rio: she might rather be angry Rio: I don't know Buster: Me either Rio: It's really shit Buster: You won't miss me now even if you did before Rio: Why not Rio: none of this is your fault Buster: Like you said, it's really shit, so none of my mates call for me or ask me to play footie in case I lose it and hit 'em Rio: when you go boxing, you can get that out there Rio: then they will Buster: It don't matter, we're moving Buster: I'll have new ones Buster: Ones who don't know Rio: Be easier Buster: Yeah Rio: Do you want me to not bring it up again then Buster: Be easier Buster: So you just said Rio: If you always want easier Buster: I'm not a pussy Buster: I can handle anything you wanna throw at me Buster: Same goes for anyone else Rio: I didn't say that Rio: know you can Rio: why I'm asking Buster: You can say what you want then Rio: Okay Rio: I will then Buster: Good Rio: I do, you know Buster: What? Rio: Miss you lot, too Buster: It'll be summer soon Rio: I know Rio: I think we'll be back for good anyway Buster: You reckon your mum and dad can stay in one place for good? Rio: It's getting really stupid now Buster: Yeah Buster: You sound like a 🤖 all the languages you know Rio: Oh thanks Buster: You're welcome, babe Rio: 🙄 Buster: It's a compliment, like Buster: 🤖 are better than 👸 Rio: It is not Buster: Come on Rio: I don't wanna be a robot Buster: I don't want you to be a princess Buster: I can't be fighting off all those 🤴 all the time Buster: Very busy Rio: You won't need to Rio: not when you teach me how to punch Buster: If you want to punch 'em all I won't need to Buster: But you might not Rio: What's that supposed to mean Buster: You know what I mean Buster: 💃👠🎉 all that 👸 shit Rio: Why don't you want me to have all that 👸 shit Rio: bit mean Buster: I do but like you said Buster: 🤴s ain't shit themselves Rio: I'll manage Rio: there's gotta be something between 🤖 and 👸 Buster: 🐸💋 ain't a problem for robots though Rio: Nothing is Rio: they're not real Buster: 'Course they are Rio: not human Rio: no emotions, nothing Rio: what's the point Buster: I don't know Buster: It sounds alright Rio: you can take it then Buster: You still gonna hang out with 🤖 me? Rio: give it a shot, like Rio: might get bored Buster: Nah Buster: I could never be boring Rio: 😏 Buster: You know it's true Rio: Alright Rio: give you that Buster: I'll take it Buster: If that's the best you can do Rio: You really want me to sit here and compliment you Rio: idiot Buster: One way to distract me Buster: But if you've got any better ideas, I'm listening Rio: Buster Buster: Yeah? Rio: never mind Rio: I'll think of something Buster: I told you, you can say what you want Rio: you can say that, like Buster: I did Buster: Twice now Rio: you know what I'm saying though Buster: Just tell me Rio: can you just Buster: Stop? Nah I can't Rio: be easier, remember Buster: I don't want or need easier, remember Rio: it won't make this better though Rio: I don't wanna make it worse Buster: You reckon you can? Rio: could always be worse, like Rio: doesn't need to be a challenge though Buster: Don't be a pussy, Rio Rio: Don't call me a pussy Buster: Don't be one Rio: I'm not Buster: I don't feel anything Buster: It don't matter what you say Rio: then I don't need to say anything Rio: I said, it don't matter either Buster: Whatever Buster: I take it back, you ain't brave Rio: Fuck off Buster: You fuck off Rio: Fine Rio: be like that Buster: It ain't me Rio: yeah s'all my fault init Buster: Yeah Rio: 👍 great Rio: whatever then Buster: You're winding me up Rio: 'cos why Rio: you won't drop it Rio: not me Buster: I can't win with you Buster: It's my fault when we don't talk and it's my fault for having a go now Rio: Guess we just shouldn't then Buster: Jesus Rio: Well when we do we're just reminded why we don't right Rio: cut out the middleman Buster: You're lucky you ain't a lad Buster: I'd have to beat the shit out of you Rio: Lovely Rio: well mature Buster: Like the silent treatment then Rio: Not what I'm suggesting or doing Buster: You just did suggest it Rio: I'm not gonna blank you Rio: I mean actual talking Buster: I know what you mean Rio: Then don't be so extra Buster: Don't tell me what to do Rio: How about you don't threaten to beat me up, let's start there yeah Buster: You're being stupid now Rio: You're the one that said it Buster: 'Cause you won't talk to me Buster: It's not fair Rio: I'm fucking trying Rio: it's just Rio: awkward Buster: Fuck awkward Buster: Everything's shit Rio: alright so it's an understatement Rio: it can be both Buster: I'm saying I don't care if it's awkward Buster: We could both die tomorrow, like Rio: Could not too Rio: then everything will still be shit with more on top Buster: Fine, fuck off then Rio: Stop telling me to fuck off Buster: Do it and I won't have to Buster: I'm not trying to make things worse for you Rio: I'm not scared of you Buster: I don't want you to be scared of me Rio: Well I'm not so don't worry Buster: I'm not Rio: Problem solved then Buster: Yeah Buster: That one's over and done with Buster: Cheers Rio: So welcome Buster: Good, we're done here then Rio: Stop it Buster: Nah Buster: You don't wanna talk Buster: What else are we gonna do? Rio: I do wanna talk to you but I don't know why because you're so annoying Rio: alright Buster: Less annoying drunk than the one who almost puked all over you Rio: Hmm Rio: Debatable Rio: he was kinda cute and helpless like Buster: He was a little kid Rio: What are you now then Buster: I'm not a kid Buster: And I can handle my drink now Rio: Good to know Buster: I'm not gonna make a twat out of myself or you at the pub, don't worry Rio: that's not what I care about Buster: Alright Rio: I'm not that much of a bitch, you know Buster: It don't make you a bitch to give a shit about what people think of you Buster: Reputations are important, like Rio: Not to me Buster: Why not? Rio: Why would it Rio: I know who I am, the right people get it Rio: I'm not gonna try to convince anyone of anything Rio: just don't need to Buster: How do you know the right people get it? Rio: 'Cos I am the right people Rio: if you don't fuck with me then you ain't Buster: 😏 Rio: I'm serious Rio: and right, you know I am Buster: Yeah Buster: I like it Rio: really Buster: It's the most sense you've made since you started talking to me Buster: You sound like you Rio: I was just trying to be Rio: idk, not an adult 'cos they get it wrong too Rio: it's like you with Nance, yeah Rio: just wanna fix it but no one can so Buster: Just be you Rio: Okay Rio: that I can do Buster: Good Rio: I can't wait to come back Buster: Me either Buster: Cambs is really boring Rio: we'll make summer as good as we can Buster: You swear? Rio: 'course I do Rio: I'm me, you're you Buster: I really do miss you Buster: You know Rio: I know Buster: I'm sorry Buster: For being a twat for ages Rio: it's alright Rio: that's just you too, like Buster: I'm being serious Rio: Yeah Rio: I know why Rio: you kinda had to Buster: Nobody tells me what to do Rio: Nobody was Rio: just made sense, right Buster: But nothing makes sense any more Buster: And I wish you were here Rio: I'm here Rio: you can call me if you want Rio: how much of that stuff have you got through? Buster: You're not like properly here though Rio: Soon Rio: really soon Buster: I'm tired Rio: You should get some rest Rio: sleep on your side though Buster: But I don't wanna go Rio: I'll keep talking to you until you fall asleep Buster: Okay Buster: Tell me what you've been doing Buster: What I've missed Rio: Alright Rio: should send you to sleep Rio: usual, school, helping with the kids Rio: all that boring shit Buster: 😂 That's not why I asked Buster: And I don't reckon you can ever be boring either Rio: My life can be but yeah Rio: not me Buster: Mine too but probably not in London Rio: You excited about it then Buster: Yeah Buster: No Buster: I don't know Rio: it's usually both Rio: I've been enough places to actually know Buster: Nance needs me to be excited 'cause she ain't Rio: she'll be scared Rio: Junie always is Buster: She likes it here, going round on her bike taking pictures of shit Rio: She'll settle into it Rio: she can do that stuff there too Buster: She'll have to Buster: It's where we're going Buster: And mum and dad will be even more determined to make a go of things now than they usually are Rio: Exactly Rio: like you said Rio: we don't get any say in it either way Buster: Where would you go if you did? Rio: Right now? Rio: Home Rio: it's too much with no one to help out around Rio: 6 of them are under 5 Rio: it's just Buster: You wanna throw 'em at Nan Rio: I don't want them learning languages they won't need by the time they can speak in full sentences because we'll be gone again Rio: or making friends they'll have to say goodbye to in a few months, a year, tops Rio: I want an actual home, a house Buster: You said you're coming back for good though, yeah? Buster: So it won't be like that Rio: I hope so Rio: they've talked about it a bit Buster: Your mum and dad might listen if you say some of this shit Buster: They ain't like mine Rio: Aren't they Buster: Not exactly Rio: you ask nan Rio: my mum has never listened Buster: To her Buster: But we're talking about her listening to you Buster: Or your dad if she won't Rio: They've always done and gone where they want and dragged us along Rio: it's just how it is Buster: You're not a little kid now though Rio: I guess Buster: Whatever, I'm just trying to help Buster: Forget it, like Rio: Don't be moody, I'm not having a go am I Buster: Me either Buster: I don't want you to be sad, that's all Rio: I'm alright, I get by Rio: it's all the others Rio: but if we left now, Pablo down wouldn't remember any of it Rio: better than none, right? Buster: Yeah Buster: Alright odds Rio: less than half but Rio: I'll take it Buster: They'll remember it differently from you anyway, that'll affect the odds too Buster: Shit never seems as bad when you're younger Buster: I remember you liked travelling when you were Buster: Always showing off to me about something back then Rio: I weren't even 3 when we left, Junior was only just 2 Rio: Edie a literal newborn Rio: you don't know any better Rio: think it's normal Rio: not realize what you're missing out on Buster: I'm just saying you probably won't have to worry as much as you are Rio: Maybe Buster: Don't be moody with me now, like Rio: I'm not Rio: just thinking Buster: What? Rio: What it'd be like to be from a normal fucking family Rio: we'll never know Buster: I'd ask my mates if I make any with normal families in London Buster: You ask yours when you come back home Rio: That's definitely weirdo behaviour Buster: Have some subtlety about it, obviously Rio: What would you know about subtlety, McKenna Buster: Fuck you, I know loads about it Rio: 😂 Rio: nothing about jokes though Buster: More than you, I reckon Rio: Alright Rio: no proof of that ever but sure Buster: 'Cause I don't have to prove anything to you, Cavante Rio: Don't have to, nah Buster: There's nothing I can't do so they're nothing to prove Buster: there's* Buster: End of Rio: As long as you believe that Rio: that's what matters Buster: Shut up Buster: Don't take the piss out of me Rio: I'm not Rio: I mean it Rio: it doesn't matter what I think of you or you of me Buster: 'Course it does Rio: Why does it Buster: What do you mean why? Buster: You know it matters Rio: But I still don't get why Buster: You matter to me so it matters what you think Rio: Yeah Rio: right now at least Buster: Nah, always Rio: You're drunk and meant to be sleeping Buster: You're not my mum Rio: Well done Rio: 10/10 observation that Buster: Stop telling me what to do Rio: I never Rio: you said you were tired Buster: That don't mean I wanna sleep Buster: I never said I did Rio: All I'm saying is you won't remember saying none of this so you don't have to Buster: If I don't remember why would I care? Rio: 'cos I will Rio: and you'll have to deny it or whatever the fuck Buster: Not if you don't bring it up Buster: Can't I trust you any more? Rio: 'course I'm not going to bring it up Rio: but I'd rather not be told bullshit with you insisting its real when you won't acknowledge it later so Rio: its all the same to you it doesn't matter then Buster: I'm not a bullshitter Rio: No but drunk people always chat it Rio: not your fault Buster: I'm still me Rio: I know you are Buster: I'm not gone 'cause this drink is going Buster: What do you reckon I'm gonna do? Buster: Or say, whatever Rio: Everything is fucked, yeah Rio: my head and all, I can only imagine for you Rio: you know what I'm getting at, do I have to say it, like Buster: Don't imagine it, don't even try to Buster: It's horrible Buster: But don't worry either, I've got nothing to lose right now except you and Nance Buster: So I won't do it Buster: Say it Buster: Any of that Rio: I'm just so sorry, Buster Buster: Yeah Buster: Everyone is Rio: I wish I could make it all go away Rio: go back and change it Rio: it's unfair and it always will be Buster: Can we talk about something else? Rio: Yeah, of course Rio: anything Buster: Tell me what summer is gonna be like Rio: Freedom Rio: we can do whatever we like, whenever Rio: we'll go to the pub and we can have loads of BBQs and go beach and its granddad's birthday Buster: Oh shit we need to get him a present Rio: We can do that when you're back Rio: get him his favourite present of all of 'em, obviously Buster: Yeah Buster: So we can stay his faves Rio: Exactly Rio: it'll be like when we were little again Rio: but better Buster: We have to make sure Nance is alright Buster: Even if she won't come Rio: Of course Rio: you always look out for her Buster: You have to help me though Buster: If she won't let me Rio: I will Rio: I like Nance too, like Buster: Not as much as you like me though Rio: Not a competition 😏 Buster: It is Rio: I'm not gonna tell you you've won Buster: You don't have to, I know Rio: Shut up you Buster: You can't make me Rio: Hmpf Buster: I will if you really want me to Rio: It doesn't actually bother me Rio: for now, anyway Buster: I'll piss you off more face to face, that's what you're saying Rio: Probably true, for both of us Rio: but nah Rio: I mean it's nice to be able to say even a tiny bit of it Buster: Yeah, it is Rio: One of the reasons they do it Rio: get wrecked, I mean Buster: You're not Buster: So maybe we don't have to be Buster: To properly talk Buster: If we wanna Rio: I could have this all deleted before you weren't though Rio: it's freedom, isn't it Rio: we don't have that much day to day Buster: I know Buster: That's why I was trying to give you it Buster: To say what you wanna say or whatever Rio: Yeah Rio: I know Rio: but like you said, I'd probably need to catch up before I could Rio: still Rio: it's good to talk to you again Buster: And like you said, summer's long Buster: You'll probably have a fair chance Buster: To both get drunk and to talk to me more Buster: Just take 'em Rio: Alright Buster: Good Rio: feels longer than it's probably been Rio: seeing you all Buster: It has been ages though Buster: Especially 'cause I was trying not to see you when I had to Rio: That'll be why Rio: it's boring, not hanging with you at family things Buster: Well yeah, I'm the most fun Buster: 👸s shouldn't have to mix their own drinks Buster: Or steal 'em Rio: aren't I a 🤖 Buster: Not if you don't wanna be Rio: I'll let you know if I settle on a career option, like Buster: I'm just saying, you can be who you want with me Rio: You too Rio: whoever you need to be Buster: What's wrong with who I am? Rio: Nothing Rio: 🤴 you Buster: Then why would I ever need to be anyone different? Rio: Sometimes it's good to be wrong Rio: only if you need to, I said Buster: Fuck that Buster: It's good to be right Rio: then just be you Rio: don't bother me Buster: 'Course not Buster: You like me Rio: Easily go off you if you're gonna be annoying about it, like Buster: Not easily Rio: Oh my god Rio: 😂 Buster: Rio Rio: Yeah? Buster: If he didn't die Buster: Would you just have never spoken to me again ever? Rio: Of course not Rio: it's silly Rio: not talking because of things that happened in the past Rio: shit like this just makes you realize that but we would've got there ourselves eventually, I reckon Buster: It's not stupid if you still feel the same about things as you did then Rio: We should still Rio: idk Rio: work through it, do something Rio: you can't ignore shit forever and hope it goes away Buster: I'm not a problem for you to solve Buster: Like maths homework Rio: Not you Rio: the problem Rio: between us Buster: There ain't an us without me and you Buster: You can't separate it out Rio: it's 50/50 though Rio: don't make it sound like I'm putting it all on you Buster: It was my dare, I took it Rio: but if you think I'm like Rio: angry at you for doing it Rio: I ain't Rio: we can forget it and just move on Buster: Can we? Rio: If we choose Rio: we can do anything we want, right? Buster: Do you want to? Rio: I told you, I wanna talk to you again Buster: Okay Rio: Okay Rio: so we're good Buster: Yeah Rio: Good Buster: I don't feel it right now though Buster: I should have quit this bottle while I was ahead, like Rio: Oh no Rio: should eat Rio: and drink loads of water Buster: I'm not hungry Buster: You wouldn't be either if your weird aunt did the food shop Rio: 😬 Rio: order takeaway Rio: make her pay when it gets there Buster: And if she comes to question me, I'm clearly wasted ain't I Rio: True Rio: she'd definitely snitch Buster: I just need to be sick, don't I? I'll ask her how she does it Rio: Ha Rio: probably don't Rio: it'll be easy, if you're that drunk Buster: I don't know how drunk I am Rio: I reckon you're good Rio: just try to get to the bathroom too fast and you should find out Buster: Wait til you know how to knock me out before you start thinking about me ending up on the floor Rio: You'll be fine Rio: don't be a baby Buster: I always am Buster: Don't worry about me Rio: Don't tell me what to do, like Buster: Do as you're told then, babe Rio: save that kinda talk for your first wife 😂 Rio: cheek Buster: What would I wanna get married for? Rio: Party Rio: presents Buster: I can do all that anyway without having to share the party or give her half the presents Rio: get a prenup then Rio: and you share a birthday so you're used to it Buster: Exactly, used to how shit it is Rio: and it's halloween Rio: poor boy Buster: Shut up Rio: Should've waited in your mum like you were meant to Buster: I keep telling you, I'm very busy Rio: You're funny Rio: you just didn't wanna be younger than me Buster: 'Course I fucking didn't Rio: You're still more immature so it doesn't matter Buster: I am not Buster: I just wouldn't wanna be younger and still taller than you, you'd be well embarrassed, like Rio: Just 'cos your dad is half-giant Rio: if he didn't look like him, I'd say he weren't grandas tbh Buster: He don't look that much like him Rio: Hmm Rio: more than he does nan but that doesn't mean much Buster: Your mum is the only one who looks anything like nan Rio: Poor nan Rio: bet she was gutted Buster: You look like your mum too Buster: More than I look like mine Rio: You do look like her though Rio: Nancy is like an exact mix it's a little weird Buster: She'll love it when she hears that Buster: I better remember it Rio: 🙄 Rio: just forget I said it, I wasn't trying to be mean Buster: It's only mean 'cause she wants to look exactly like mum Rio: your mum and auntie are like tiny Rio: it'd give anyone a complex Buster: You reckon she has one? Rio: No Rio: not like a serious one Rio: girls always think about stuff like that though Buster: Do you? Rio: being told I look like my ma therefore nan was a bit rude but I'll survive Rio: its like if you were really scrawny though, you'd compare yourself to your dad even though that's stupid and you can't help it, like Buster: I didn't mean it like that though Buster: You're like really pretty, you know Rio: oh so now you fancy my mum Rio: great 😏 Buster: She's too old and she has too many kids Rio: and your auntie, obviously Buster: I was obviously putting that aside Rio: I'm just joking Buster: I'm just saying, if I didn't know her she'd still be too old and have too many kids Buster: But you'd still be pretty Rio: Thanks Rio: I'll put off the kids longer than she did then Buster: I don't know why you'd wanna bother ever Rio: I don't know Rio: not actually decided Buster: It'd be weird if you already had your heart set on it Buster: Especially after growing up in this family Rio: You've already got your heart set on not, obvs so Rio: mine was pregnant with me just after her 15th, like Rio: 5 years isn't that long if I wanted to follow in her footsteps Buster: I feel like it's stupid Buster: But I've made stupid decisions before Rio: There's worse Buster: Obviously Rio: anyway, if you're not getting a wife you can just pretend it isn't yours Rio: easy Buster: Nan and granddad ain't married but he'd be dead if he tried that Rio: because they are Rio: all but the paperwork Rio: long term partner is no different really Buster: Maybe I'll follow in their footsteps with that then Rio: 🤷 Rio: no one will be buying you a toaster then Buster: I can buy my own Buster: Better taste than that lot have got anyway Rio: exchange it for cash if you're that concerned Buster: I won't be that strapped for any but cheers Rio: free money is free money Rio: idk why you're acting too good for it Buster: Taking it off 'em when I don't need it is unfair Rio: awh Rio: sucha 🤴 Buster: Stop taking the piss out of me Rio: What? It's cute Buster: We're supposed to be moving on and getting on so don't wind me up Rio: and I'm allowed to be who I want so don't tell me what to do Rio: it isn't as if either of us are or aren't having a wedding any time soon so don't take it so seriously Buster: Whatever Buster: If hard work is what you wanna be, like Rio: If you can't hack it Buster: 😂 If I can't hack it then what? Rio: Your loss and your problem Buster: It's neither Buster: There's nothing I can't handle, I already told you Rio: Alright then Rio: no need to pout Buster: I'm not a girl Rio: Really? Rio: I had no idea Buster: Hilarious Rio: I know, been said Buster: Language barrier, was there? Rio: Ha ha Rio: but you aren't funny so Buster: You just like to keep changing your mind Rio: girl's prerogative Rio: keep up Buster: Easily Rio: We shall see Rio: soon, yeah Buster: I'll show you any time, babe Rio: careful, could hold you to that Buster: Go ahead Rio: I'll play fair and not Rio: you are totally pissed Buster: I could keep up with you pissed and with both hands tied behind my back Rio: that's a new drinking game Buster: If you like Rio: what use would you be at getting me drinks with your hands tied? Rio: 👸 and that Buster: Use my mouth Rio: 😏 Rio: be a sight Rio: look forward to it then Buster: Soon then Rio: yeah Rio: bed now though Rio: taking the piss Buster: You are Buster: You said you'd talk to me til I fell asleep Rio: Meant to listen and shh Rio: so chatty, boy Buster: You wanted to keep talking Buster: But fine Buster: Change your mind, princess Rio: I do but Rio: wanna see you more Rio: obvs Rio: gotta make it be here faster Buster: [sends a cute little drunk selfie like you can see me now] Buster: Goodnight then Rio: Oh Rio: tuck yourself in properly then Buster: Really? Rio: Yeah Rio: get comfy Buster: Okay Rio: Show me Buster: [does] Rio: Good Rio: now you're ready Rio: Night, Buster Buster: Wait Buster: What about you? Rio: you want me to go sleep with you Rio: okay, hold on Buster: I'm older I can't go to sleep before you Rio: alright, you look out for me too Rio: that's fair Rio: [sends her own cute not drunk selfie like ready] Buster: That's unfair Rio: What? Buster: You're even prettier than I remember Rio: You need to stop being cute and settle down Buster: I'm going, I swear Rio: I'll miss you Buster: I already miss you Buster: Can I call you if I can't sleep? Rio: Of course Rio: tell you a story if you like Buster: About 👸s and 🤴s yeah? Rio: Only the best kind Rio: plenty of ⚔s Buster: But they get to be together at the end Buster: And nobody dies Rio: Happy endings only Rio: I swear Buster: Alright Rio: You can call me now Rio: if you like Buster: Only if you don't get mad at me for staying up Buster: At least til the end of the story Rio: You've gotta Rio: for the final 🥊 and the 💋 Buster: [does call her and it'd be so cute and they'd fall asleep together like they always do in the future]

[blondrichclosetwitch]

Everything's ending here (this song has been playing a lot )

She's done things I've never expected

She's done things I've never expected

And I need more time

This is a weeping song

But I won't be weeping long

I was buried in sound, taxicabs were driving me around—(this flashes me to all the times I took taxis to the hospitals that psychic Jakk claimed to be in, or the Taxis home after looking for him. I remember one at 6 am when I went to Bellevue, and the woman was like, “nope, not here “)

and if I ever was myself I wasn't that night—there was a time in 2018…I can’t even tell it.

Hear my voice strain as I sing, my will will bend and then break

The cradle'll break and I'll fall, I couldn't help it at all It took a while but I learned, it took a twist but it turned

And now it’s clear that I'm blind, another mountain to climb

Another distance to fall, I couldn't help it all

Turn my face to the wall

If she's gone I can't go on Everywhere people stare I can see them laugh at me

10:58 death cannot part us

If life already has You get back the love

That you send

The mental energy you wasted on this wedding invitation(It’s a no-brainer that it’s about me not being invited) Dying does not meet my expectations

Let's drink a toast to all those who arrived alive

To tell about their struggles in hushed tones around a fire (this song started playing as a response to me talking about what I needed done, and them saying “let us help you”)

Was hypnotized by a strange delight

It makes me see what I want to see

And be what I want to be—-man, these tapes are rough to listen to, I will tell you.

When I think more than I want to think

I do things I never should do—the practices I did for psychic Jakk

I drink much more that I ought to drink

Because it brings me back you—psychic Jakk told me he was drinking a lot, the moment stella died. That he was staying at the bar til 2 am, because he missed me. Which I thought was odd because he didn’t like to drink.

Isn't that she, or am I just going crazy— this was about whether Stella was actually Stella or whether it was a trickster spirit

Thank you for giving

This bright new morning

So steeped seemed the evening

In darkness and blood

Baby, I just want you to come back

We really need something to do— this is about me no longer going to the park, so they can’t torture me in that way. One of my teachers a few weeks ago said I needed to stop going there, because of what they were doing.

Everybody wishes you'd gone—they wish I’d moved out, Including My Landlord, so they don’t have to deal with me

Lundy, Fastnet, Irish Sea—when I look at the picture of the Irish Sea, I get deja vu.

You're living in a fantasy world

I'm lost at sea, Don't bother me

I've lost my way

Don't help them to bury the light

Don't give in without a fight

But it was only fantasy

The wall was too high, as you can see

No matter how he tried, he could not break free

And the worms ate into his brain

Out there on the road, always doing what you're told

Can you help me?

(We fall, we fall, we fall, we fall, we fall, we fall, we fall, we fall...)

(This played at 11:33; the numbers 1, 11, & 33 deal

With changes, creating own destiny, striving forward, awakening, creativity, communication, and social interaction.

The wall had a lot of symbolism; it probably was the first album I ate up as a whole, along with changesonebowie.

The wall was used to talk about jakk’s isolation, and it defined blond as mother. For months any time a reference to the word mother came, that had to do

With her. As I’ve said before, I was called “daddy”.

They had me sing this today, and the spinning thing fell to

The ground on “worms are into his brain”. It seems worth mentioning that as I type this, “Frankenstein” by the edgar winter group played . They’ve been playing that a lot.)

The sun also rises on those who fail to call

My life, it comprises of losses and wins and fails and falls Alleluia, I'm gonna take them for all that they got

11:44 Cameras flash so much

That I gotta do that Yayo dance–I just got this today, even though this has been playing a bit. The Yayo (Lana del Rey) dance was the first dance that I did.

And I'm asking about her girlfriends —

I treated you like radium

I treated you like God

You were my glass menagerie

Did you not find that odd?

I dwelt within, and went without

And broke my virgin flesh

I performed acts of devotion

As if you were Ganesh—on the subject of ganesh, Blond thought it was funny

To burn off ganesh’s other trunk. I don’t think he’s happy about that.

Your destiny

Mystery of all time

Open the gate 'cause you're already late—psychic Jakk was always saying he was on

His way, but he would want

Me to do things to convince him, like sit on my knees in front of the door , and propose to him , or sing, and there I would be three hours later, still waiting. One night I sang for 12 hours. That is not an exaggeration.

Trying to change your mind

Once you're already flying through the free fall

Losing him was blue like I'd never known

Missing him was dark grey, all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met

But loving him was red—I was at the third chorus of this song when I realized it was about our baby. Not jakk.

They can't find enough

To take enough from me

Guess I go down

But you have friends

What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?

The television talks

Full of eyes

The spirits of sight

And now I am so afraid

I'm seeing things

I'm hearing things

I don't know who I am

Tongue out

Thought stalled——there was a lot of talk about the symbolism

Of the TV, of a hypnosis.

At 4:48

When sanity visits

For one hour and twelve minutes I am in my right mind

When it has passed I shall be gone again(This song is called 4.48 psychosis, and sarah Kane wrote a play of that title.)

I hold the note

You wrote and know

You've buried all your alimony butterflies

If you could sing

Sing yourself off that page

History's a sticky place

Sing me into your hands

You won't but I think you can

For this is the beginning

Of forever and ever

It's time to move over

Leave it to the other girls to play

Bring me back to life (fix me now)

Will you stay in our lover's story

If you stay you won't be sorry

'Cause we believe in you

Double talkin' liar (Lies)

In a sea of guilt

They're waiting to hate you

So give them an excuse

I came in the entrance the makeup girl went through

And waited for ages, I waited there for you—-(this is about the guy with the gun in Yonkers in spring 2020. I heard him walk past my windows til I hid in the laundry room. He walked above me for hours. The floors were insanely creaky. That was the 2nd Time I called 911. With the exception of when I was hit, I have never been that scared in my whole life I think. But the makeup girl line—that was the landlord. She always wears full makeup. And she always leaves The back door unlocked. )

If camera clicking, green room guests

Swirl 'round the man whose real life can be touched

Then I will do just that much

“In show business, the green room is the space in a theatre or similar venue that functions as a waiting room and lounge for performers before, during, and after a performance or show when they are not engaged on stage. “

Feral

So tired of the lies and trying, fighting, crying

Took that ring off (Uh, you a killer, you a killer, killer)

You pinned me with your black sphere eyes

You know that all the rope's untied

I was only for to die beside

Oh, the demons come, they can subside

(We'll do it together, not like one-two, we'll switch off, like, one, like together, as in our voices like together, okay?)

I wanted to be a butterfly for so long (oh yeah)

Had to set the record straight 'cause bitches love to assume

I started speakin' my mind and tripled my views Never been a fraud in my motherfuckin' life I'm just tellin' my story

Bitches stab you in your back while they smilin' in your face

Talking crazy on your name, trying not to catch a case

You gon' run up on who and do what? (Who?)

I think y'all got your story screwed up (yeah) If you got a problem with me, say it now (say it)

'Cause I don't wanna hear no sneak dissin' (huh?)

'Specially not from one you weak bitches

Nails done, hair lit, keep them both laced

He-headshot, headshot, tell 'em closed case

Ain't no bitches spittin' like this since '08

I don't trust no nigga, I don't fear no bitch (fear no bitch)

Whole life, been through some fucked up shit (fucked up)

They say I'm too that, oh, I'm too this

When you seen what I've seen, you end up like this (woo)

I walked into the label, "Where the check at?" (Where the check?)

They caught me slippin' once, tell 'em try that now

Man, I said we gon' win

Knock me down nine times but I get up ten

Look myself in the mirror, I say we gon' win

Knock me down nine times but I get up ten