#i woke up at like 1am last night and decided to do Self Care

[lacefuneral]

november 29th, 2022

i am literally here with smooth shaved legs AND i smell like vanilla+caramel and yet there is no man here! the world is cruel

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

I blame you sunshine anon for this sin I'm committing.

Armin having a crush on you while you're with Eren hc

{ Armin x reader, implied Eren x reader | tw:possessive tw:unhealthy-friendships, tw:lowkey-toxic tw:jealousy | pinning, angst, drama, thirst | modern }

{ "The pool by the garden gate" by Thomas Edwin Mostyn 1864-1930 }

You met outside the library, he's was looking forward to relaxing after a long day with his new stack of books he just checked out, too lost in his own daydreams that he didn't see where he was going when bumping into you.

Quick to apologise, he helped you up. Instead of getting mad you chuckled at his clumsiness after he explained what caused him to not pay attention, and for some reason the sound of your laughter made his heart just beat a bit faster.

Summoning all the courage he's been building up, he invited you to the nearby cafe, his treat.

Armin doesn't do well with strangers nor small talk but by whatever miracle, talking to you at that cafe didn't feel uncomfortable at all. Listening to you talk about the weather while sipping on his strawberry milkshake was actually quiet nice, your voice was quiet nice.

He thought you were quiet nice and lovely.

The two of you ended up exchanging numbers after that, he went home that day with a little more bounce to his steps and a little more curl to his smile.

You ended up texting all night. And by the end of the week, you've managed to keep a streak of daily texts and calls despite your busy schedule. He listened to every voice message, he reread every sweet text, he admired every picture you sent.

And by the second week, the two of you agreed to meet again. So he took you to the nearby beach, you had a nice walk, collected some really pretty seashells and shared an ice cream and he was enjoying every second of it.

By the third week, you called him at 3am for a really important reason. He listened to you despite how tempting sleep was, he was understanding and compassionate, he managed to relate to your worries and calm them at the same time.

Despite it being around 5am when the call ended, he found himself not really minding it or even bothered by it, because it was you.

And by the end of the month, when the two of you drove to a farm to pick up fruits together, he realised how deeply in love with you he has fallen.

You couldn't look more perfect under the sun with a basket full of strawberries if you tried. You looked like an angel in his mind.

He was in love, and every thing you did together just made him fall more and more for you.

You went on walks together, he got you into playing chess and you introduced him to your hobbies.

Hanging out with him was the most comfortable, you'd listen to music while each of you did their own thing. Maybe even watch a murder mystery movie or two after and trying to guess who the killer is together.

Day by day it only got better, it was going good..no scratch that, it was going great actually. He's never felt so in rhythm with someone before, so comfortable to be his true self while still trusting you wouldn't judge him.

So he decided to push things to the next level, he wanted you in his life and to tell you how he felt. It's been three months since you've met and so far you've showed nothing but green flags.

That's when he decided to confess, but before that he had to introduce you to his friends, the most people he cares about in one room! What could possibly go wrong?

Everything, apparently.

More specifically, introducing you to Eren, the biggest mistake of his life.

Because instead of the usual teasing Armin would get for being late to his friend's house or texting them less frequently, It was Eren getting the teasing.

The only difference is, Eren had no shame, he didn't feel a need to justify himself for hogging all your time, for ditching the plans he makes with Mikasa and Armin just because you called.

If anything Eren had all the audacity to pull you to sit beside him whenever they hang in a group, or to just casually wrap his hand around your shoulder, even interrupting your conversations with Armin just so he can tell a joke to make you laugh.

And that turned into Eren being the one driving you back home despite Armin bringing you here.

Somehow and for whatever reason, Eren seemed to latch on to you. Taking you to movies, late night drives with him, even introducing you to his mom.

Armin likes to think the best of his friends, and Eren is his childhood friend, even his first ever friend. So you can't blame him for hoping Eren would read between the lines and take a fucking hint.

Eren had to know, he had to. But he's a good friend, he wouldn't steal someone Armin made it clear he's interested in right.

....right?

1am, Armin has been sitting up in bed for a while, he can't sleep. The project he's been working on is doesn't want to work out right and Armin is slowly losing patience with the deadline creeping over.

He doesn't even realise how long he's been lost over-thinking in his head till the laptop's screen turns black and goes into sleep mode, he stares at his tired reflection.

He feels lost and stuck at the same time, he closes his eyes and tries to clear his mind.

You pop into his mind, he glances at the phone for a good minute before dialling your number.

It rings, and rings, he's getting anxious.

It's alright, he tells himself, this isn't the first time he called you late at night, you actually called him at really late times too so what is he stressing about.

Why is there a feeling of dread in his chest.

The ringing stops, you pick up and for a second he seems to light up a bit.

except it wasn't you who picked up the phone.

It was Eren, answering him from your phone, sounding like he just woke up.

At 1am.

And it was Eren walking around with hickies on his neck the next day.

Armin felt emotions he never thought he'd ever feel towards his best friend when he got out of the shower that day, marks and hickies littering his skin.

Very, very ugly emotions.

Mikasa asks what is Eren getting ready for when he begins dressing up fancier than usual. "Date with y/n" was all he said before leaving

Armin still swears Eren looked at him with a knowing look just before he left.

He tried to reason with himself that it probably wouldn't last long, Eren is either messing with him intentionally or it's just a fling that's taking too long right?

...right?

It's been 6 fucking months, Armin has been counting.

And you're still with Eren, and he's still just as clingy and possessive as when you first met. Apparently the honeymoon phase wasn't a phase because he still insists you only sit near him, he still acts like you're the only two in the room with little regard to what's socially appropriate.

Armin internally cringes whenever Eren wraps his arm around your waist, or puts his hand on your thigh.

His stomach turns whenever Eren whispers something in your ear, his fingers dig in his palm whenever you look away flustered and slighly red after that.

He's not jealous, he tells himself while scrolling through the third picture Eren posted of you on his story, you're laying on his bed, his head on your thighs as he looks at the camera with smug eyes.

Armin almost cracks his phone screen.

"It was supposed to be me" he thinks each time Eren pulls you for a kiss simply because he felt like it.

It was supposed to be him surprising you with a gift on valentine's day, it was supposed to be him kissing your neck after getting a little too drunk, and now it's Eren doing it instead.

It was supposed to be him...it was never supposed to be Eren, it's not fair, he knew you first.

It was supposed to be beach trips and funfair dates, it was supposed to be reading books together and watching mystery movies, just you and Armin.

Not fucking Eren.

why, why would this happen to him? He was going to confess to you, he even prepared a letter and date plans and everything.

It's not fair how much it hurts, how much he misses you.

He knew you first, he wanted you and goddammit he still does even with you dating his bestfriend, he still wants you with every part of his body and mind.

And it eats him up at night, the guilt and bad thoughts of knowing just how wrong it is to wish Eren and you would just break up already, to wish he could just swoop in and take you from his arms.

It's a constant cycle of feeling high on love, feeling anger and then feeling the crushing guilt.

[soldrawss]

Your big brother Mikey AU is so cool and well thought out! I was wondering, do the Foot still exist in this AU and if so, are the Hamato brothers in any danger? Does Mikey work as a pizza delivery boy?

The Foot exist yes! But they’re more of like, a street gang than anything else. (Kinda like how the Purple Dragons were in previous iterations) For the most part, the Hamatos don’t really have anything to do with them. Raph and Donnie and Leo know they’re not allowed out after 6 without an adult with them and Mikey’s taught Leo and Donnie enough self-defense (from what he can remember of their father’s training) to help them if they’re ever in need. “If you’re ever cornered, give them whatever they want and don’t make a move unless you absolutely have to. I mean it, guys. I’m not showing you this so you guys can play heroes, this is only, and I mean only, to be used as a last resort. But I want you to comply with any demands they give and get out of there. I don’t care if they take your phones and wallets and backpacks. We can always replace bus passes and school work. I can’t replace you guys.”

The only time the Foot were ever an issue was when Mikey gets mugged when he’s 17 on his way home from one of the shitty jobs he worked the nightshift at on one of the piers. The subway station was empty, probably because it was the dead of night and Mikey got off earlier than he usually does, so the station was bare of the usual tiny rush of new yorkers coming in for the graveyard shifts. Thankfully Mikey’s reflexes were faster than his brain was, and he was able to avoid too much of a conflict before the three-membered group got the upper hand. His phone go broken in the struggle, but they thankfully didn’t get to his wallet or key ring. They did land a couple of solid hits to his jawline and gut though, knocking the air clean out of Mikey, and ripped his best work shirt in the process of throwing him to the ground (he only had two), so really the struggle ended with a heated tie. The small gang turning hightail when a security officer making the rounds chased them off and helped Mikey to his feet from one of the concrete pillars he was slumped against.

Mikey ended up arriving home late anyway despite the head start because he had to fill out an accident report with the security officer, and that had just about drained the last ounce of energy Mikey had left to his name as he practically crawled through the front door of their little apartment. He kicked it closed with his feet, forgetting that it was 1am and that he shouldn’t be making as much noise as he was making because it was a school night, and Leo had been having a wack sleep schedule lately, and if he woke up now, he wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep till the next night and that would have totally been on Mikey. But Mikey was too tired to think that far ahead as far as the consquences of his actions go, and promptly dumped all his stuff on the foyer floor and passed out on the living room couch, not even bothering to change his clothes or take off his shoes, let alone fold the couch out into a bed.

He woke up some four hours later, to Donnie patting his arm gently but firmly, and with sharp brown eyes and a creased brow just barely peeking under a mess of brown-haired cowlicks and bed head.

“-ikey. Mikey, wake up. Your face is purple.” And the sheer tension and fear in his voice were enough to pull Mikey out of the desperate hold sleep had him in as he got up slowly, rubbing his face and ow, yeah, his whole left side was swollen and sore and felt gross.

“Ahhh, yeah. Some guys tried to jump me at Water and Fletcher station. I’m totes magoats fine kiddo. They didn’t get my wallet or anything. Phone broke though, so I’ll have to swing by a CVS and pick up a burner until I can get a new one.” Mikey explains all in one murmured half yawn. He didn’t like the way Donnie’s face did a complicated little series of frowns and pouts, which could have meant one of a million things, but Mikey just woke up, so he didn’t really have all the brainpower yet to try and decode it other than, oh no I made him mad.

“Go put on some pjs and wash your face,” Donnie replies, and he waffles from where he’s crouched beside the couch like he wants to say something more, but settles on sighing and standing straight. He makes his way to the kitchen quietly, carefully picking up the mess Mikey left in front of the door a few hours ago and unceremoniously dumps them on the kitchen island on his way to rummage through the freezer. Mikey watches as he pulls out a bag of frozen peas before getting one of the dishtowels hanging from the oven handle and wetting it down in the sink. “I’ll get you some ibuprofen, but you need to sleep in your bed or you’re gonna be sore all over. I swear, that couch was the worst decision we ever made, I can’t believe you made us carry it up 6 flights of stairs.”

“Shhhh, don’t listen to him baby, how was I supposed to know the elevator would decide to break down that day?” Mikey whispers not at all quietly to the couch just to get a begrudging half-smile out of Donnie. It works for a fraction of a second, but Donnie’s pouting frown and worried eyes return when he looks at Mikey’s nasty little kick in the face bruise, and Mikey can’t help but feel the weighted rock of guilt settle further in his gut. He just couldn’t do anything right lately, huh? “Anyway, thanks Dee, but I’ll just take a shower and get changed for my shift at Tony’s. Work starts in a few hours anyway and I can run to CVS really quick before then.”

But when he gets up and makes his way over towards the bathroom, Donnie blocks his path and presses a damp dishtowel wrapped around the frozen veggies and some pills into his hands. “No need, you’re staying home. I already called into your work for you. One of the GM’s, Woody, I think his name is? Anyway Woody seemed really cool. Gave you today and tomorrow off. Even said he’d swing you some paid vacation time if you bring some of your famous lemon squares into work on Monday, so really you have no excuse to object or complain.”

And Mikey wants to complain, and he almost does, but Donnie shoots down his squawk of disapproval with a pointed glare that Mikey hates being at the other end of. “And don’t you dare say you’re fine, Mikey. Your face looks like a bruised plum. Please, just, take the day off, sleep, do laundry, whatever. Raph can even stay home with you, if you really need some more incentive. But just, stay here for today. Ok?”

And he was begging in that way that Donnie and Leo almost never pull on Mikey, because they knew Mikey would crumble like an absolute sucker at those round brown eyes, warm like melted chocolate, and it was a power move that they only used for absolute good. And Mikey guessed that if he was swinging those bright round headlights his way, then this must have been a pretty good reason, and honestly, his bed did seem like something he’d love to just crash into for the rest of the day. So he nods, and lets Donnie lead him to towards the bedroom he shares with Raph, who’s still sleeping soundly on his side of the room.

Mikey doesn’t remember much after that. He changes into some pjs and disgards his shoes at the bottom of his bed while Donnie goes to get him a glass of water for the medicine. He falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow and Donnie rests the makeshift ice pack against his swollen cheek.

Mikey vaguely remembers Raph climbing into this bed a little later, scooching over with a practiced and natural ease so the little five-year-old could squirm his way perfectly against Mikey’s chest, resting his head just under Mikey’s chin, and Donnie poking him in the side, just long enough to tell him that Leo and him will be back home after Leo’s baseball practice and that they’ll pick up a burner phone for him.

Mikey untangles an arm from under the comforter and holds it out towards Donnie, an unsaid invitation that doesn’t take more than a second to understand because Donnie is leaning forward into it anyway, and it’s an awkward hug, but it’s warm, and as the 10-year-old wraps familiar arms around Mikey’s half-hug, squeezing back just as tightly, he presses a kiss into his kid’s bubble gum smelling hair, freshly shampooed, and smiles when he says. “Thanks Dee. Be safe. Love you.”

And his face is still a sorry mess of pain and swollen hurt, but Raph is a solid warmth against his chest, and there are some leftover ingredients for some lemon bars in the cupboard, and he’d been waiting to try out that new veggie lasagna recipe he never had the time for before anyway, and Donnie winks at him wordlessly behind his thick-framed glasses, and somehow Mikey has the distant and fading thought before he slips into sleep again, that he should have known that Donnie always gets his way in the end. And Mikey isn’t upset by that thought at all.

[arc852]

Cared For

 Here is my @secret-sanders-sized​ gift for @eatingashovel​! Moxiety is my fave so this was super fun to write. I hope you enjoy it!

Warnings: Slight self-deprecation and bad sleeping/eating habits

Summary: Virgil is letting his studying get in the way of important things. Like sleeping and eating. So Patton does something about it.

________________________________________________________

 Patton was used to the human staying up rather late. He was what was known as a night owl. At least, that’s what Patton caught the human calling himself. When Patton had first moved in he had to adjust his schedule to go out borrowing a bit later into the night but for the most part, he was unaffected. Besides, the human-or Virgil as Patton had overheard-never went to bed later than 1am. Which gave Patton plenty of time to borrow.

 So Patton was surprised, when he did his nightly check-in to see if Virgil was asleep, to see that the human was actually still awake. Confused, Patton glanced over at the clock on the nightstand, barely able to see it from his place in the vent. 2:47am. Way past when Virgil usually went to bed.

 Patton frowned and turned back towards Virgil. The human wasn’t even in bed but at his desk instead. Hunched over his laptop and typing away albeit a bit sluggishly. Giving in to just how tired he was. He also had a book open and glanced at it every few seconds before going back to typing. 

 He had seen that book enough times to know this was about school. The human was in college, after all, so either he was working on an assignment or he was studying for something. Either way, it was much too late to be working on anything. Virgil needed to rest.

 Patton didn’t even realize he was considering it until he was already halfway there. He blinked and stopped for a moment. Wait...no, he couldn’t tell Virgil to go to bed. That would mean revealing himself. And that was a big borrower no-no.

 So what if the human was over exhausting himself to the point of hurting himself...it-it wasn’t any of his business. It couldn’t be any of his business. He should just continue with borrowing. The human was distracted enough anyway.

 Patton turned back around, heading towards the kitchen this time, when a loud yawn and groan made him pause. There was a small silence that followed, where Patton was hopeful that Virgil had gone to bed but it was dashed when he heard the sounds of typing resume. Patton’s mind went back and forth before ultimately his parental side won out and he turned back towards the path to Virgil’s room.

 Even if this was a human, he couldn’t just ignore it.

 He hoped he wouldn’t regret this, though.

 He exited the walls through the outlet, putting it back into place before staring above him at the desk. He bit his lip and took out his hook, hoping Virgil would be distracted enough to not notice him climbing up. Sure, he was about to reveal himself anyway but he’d rather do so while he was on solid ground. The last thing he needed was to get startled into falling...or to wind up in the human’s hands.

 He shook those thoughts away and pulled himself up and onto the desk. He immediately turned towards Virgil but it seemed like he hadn’t been noticed yet. And now that he was closer and facing the human head-on, he saw, even more, how exhausted Virgil was. There were dark circles under his eyes and not from the usual make-up either. And his eyes were glazed over, focused on the screen in front of him.

 Patton’s heart went out to the human at the sight and he gained the courage to speak.

 “Kiddo, what are you doing up so late?”

 Virgil blinked, eyes coming back into focus. Had someone just spoken? He glanced over towards the left of his laptop and stared openly at the...tiny person? What?

 The tiny person that was looking at him disapprovingly. 

 “Wh-What?” Virgil answered back with, still not entirely sure what was going on.

 Patton folded his arms, giving Virgil a stern look. “It’s late. You need to go to bed.” At the mention of bed, Virgil shook his head, turning back to his laptop.

 “Can’t...gotta study...finals coming up.” Was what came out in broken and tired sentences. Virgil had hoped the thing would have left after that but it stayed.

 “No, Virgil. You’ve been at this long enough and there’s always tomorrow where you can get back into it. But it isn’t going to help you at all if you don’t get some rest.” Patton explained, his features softening as he looked at Virgil worryingly.

 Virgil had to admit the tiny...thing had a point. And...sleep did sound very good right now. Man, what time was it? Just how long had he been at this. He must really be exhausted if he couldn’t think of the answer. And especially if he was seeing figments in the form of tiny people. He let out a sigh and shut his laptop. “Yeah...alright. Sleep sounds good.” He stood and didn’t even bother to change as he collapsed into bed, out like a light as soon as his face hit the pillow.

 Patton felt himself relax and sigh with relief as he smiled at the now sleeping human. That had been...not as scary as he had originally thought, actually. In fact, it was quite possible the human would be too tired to even remember him. Patton hoped that would be the case, as then he wouldn’t have to worry about the human trying to look for him.

 Either way, he was glad Virgil was finally asleep. The kiddo definitely needed it.

 With one last glance towards Virgil, Patton made his way down to the floor and back into the walls. He had some borrowing to do.

***

 Virgil woke up with a groan the next morning. He blinked away the sleep from his eyes and sat up. It took him a moment to get out of his half-asleep state to remember what had happened last night. He had stayed up way too late, studying for next week's finals when...a tiny...person told him to go to bed.

 Virgil rubbed his face and chuckled. It was probably for the best he had gone to bed then, if he was hallucinating so vividly. And he did feel more refreshed. Looks like there was some part of his brain that had some common sense after all. 

 After glancing at the time, Virgil decided to try and get a bit more studying in before he had to head to classes for the day.

 Patton smiled as he watched from the vent. Virgil seemed a lot better now. No longer sluggish or yawning every minute. And the dark circles under his eyes were almost completely gone. Patton figured the human could take things from here and went to go and get some sleep himself.

***

 Patton frowned as he once again was watching the human through the vents. Virgil’s sleeping schedule had been great so far. Patton was happy to see he had left an impact even if the human had thought he was a dream. And even now, it was only 8pm. Definitely nothing to worry about with that.

 No, Patton was now worried about the fact that, despite having been home all day, he hadn’t seen Virgil eat a single thing. Instead, he was in the same position Patton had caught him in a few nights ago. Hunched over his computer and typing away. Patton frowned and this time didn’t even think twice about heading that way. He wasn’t about to let his human go without eating.

 Virgil was lost in his studies, glancing at his textbook after every note taken. He made sure to keep an eye on the time, knowing now it didn’t help him to stay up too late but he still had a good few hours left. Hours that Virgil intended to spend getting through this textbook.

 That was his plan, at least until he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. His eyes widened as, clear as day, the same tiny person from before climbed up onto his desk. Virgil blinked and took a second glance at the time. Yep, still only 8 o’clock and Virgil knew he had gotten enough sleep these past few days. So...did that mean…?

 “Kiddo, I’m so glad you’ve been getting sleep but you also need to eat too, you know.” The tiny person said. Virgil blinked, now aware that he hadn’t eaten all day. Virgil opened his mouth to say something but the tiny person beat him to it.

 “Nope, I don’t want to hear anything until you go and make yourself some food.” The tiny being’s existence, tone, and stern look made Virgil simply listen to him. His mind raced as he stood up and walked to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. As he slapped some peanut butter on, he couldn’t help but wonder if the tiny being would be gone when he got back. Whether or not it was a figment of his imagination or not.

 To his surprise, the tiny person was still there. His features seemed to soften as he saw that Virgil had a sandwich. Virgil sat back down and just...stared at the tiny person. “You’re still here.”

 “Of course I am!” The tiny person said, acting like it should be no surprise at all. “I have to make sure you’re actually going to eat it.”

 Virgil blinked and glanced down at the sandwich and then back up at the tiny person. He picked up his sandwich and took a small bite. The tiny guy grinned, his stern exterior disappearing instantly. “There we go! No make sure you eat it all, all right?” And then the tiny person turned around and made like he was going to leave.

 But Virgil couldn’t just let him do that.

 “Wait!” Virgil said, louder than he really needed to. The tiny person did stop but he also got tense and that alone made Virgil feel bad so he was quick to continue. “Sorry, I just...I mean, thank you for looking after me but...who are you? What are you? And why are you here? Are you real?” The questions fell out of Virgil’s mouth before he could stop them.

 Patton was frozen, not knowing what to do. Actually...that was a lie. He knew what he should do. He should keep walking with the hope that Virgil wouldn’t just grab him and get the heck out of there. And then he should pack up all his things and move out. Into a different human’s home, as was the borrower way.

 That’s what Patton should do but it isn’t what he wanted to do.

 And so he turned around, meeting Virgil’s eyes. “...My name is Patton. I’m a borrower who lives in your walls and I noticed that you weren’t taking care of yourself and I hate to see people hurting. So I...went against the rules of my kind and revealed myself to you in order to help you. But I’m glad I did! You deserve to live a long and healthy life, Virgil, but that won’t happen if you don’t take care of yourself. And I know it really isn’t my business and it might be a little weird considering I don’t know you personally but I really do care about you.” Patton rambled, wanting to get it all out of the way. He was breaking so many rules at this point but he didn’t really care anymore.

 “Oh, yeah and I am real.” Patton finished, remembering the last question Virgil had asked. 

 Virgil was, for lack of a better word, shocked. Not really at the fact that Patton actually existed but also that...he cared about him? Why would Patton care about him? He was no one special...but it seemed like Patton didn’t share his own thoughts. And that was throwing Virgil off more than he was willing to admit.

 He didn’t know what to say in response. Thank you? No, that wouldn’t do. Why? Yeah, that wouldn’t work at all. It’s nice to meet you? That was a good start but it didn’t seem like enough…

 Virgil didn’t realize, that by not saying anything, he was making Patton incredibly nervous. The borrower was starting to think that maybe this was a bad idea and so he tried to discreetly turn around to leave. Looks like he would have to start packing up after all.

 But just as he reached his hook, Virgil noticed and once again shouted louder than he needed to. “Wait!” And once again Patton froze. “Crap, sorry-again-I’m really not good at this. Um…” Virgil racked his brain for what to say as Patton turned back around to face him. Patton was still nervous but seeing now that Virgil seemed just as nervous it made Patton relax a bit more.

 Virgil glanced at his laptop, still on with his notes on the screen and his open textbook. He bit his lip and then blurted out, “Do you wanna watch a movie with me?”

 Patton blinked, taken aback by the question. “Wh-What?”

 Virgil felt his cheeks warm. “I-I mean, like, it’s good for me to take a break and stuff, right? And I figured, since you helped me and all I could repay you back by inviting you to a movie night with me? You don’t have to! I’m not going to force you but I could make us popcorn and stuff and...yeah…” Virgil trailed off, looking away. Maybe he should have just kept his mouth shut and let Patton leave, he could have saved himself the embarrassment.

 He chanced a glance at Patton but the borrower was...grinning. His eyes were lit up and he almost looked like he didn’t believe it. “R-Really?”

 Virgil nodded. “Yeah, I mean, I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t mean it.”

 “Then yes! I would love to!” Patton didn’t see anything wrong with it, after all, Virgil could have done a lot of things while Patton was just standing there. But he didn’t. Didn’t so much as grab at him when he was trying to leave. And he was nice and kind and that fact that he was so nervous...Yeah, Patton figured he could trust him.

 “Really?” It was Virgil's turn to ask the question. When Patton nodded, Virgil couldn’t help but grin as well. “Awesome, then uh, let’s do it! Do you uh…” Crap, this might be awkward. “Do you need a lift to the living room?”

 Patton glanced down at Virgil’s hands, still at his sides and seemingly not daring to move them until Patton said it was okay. Patton grinned up at him. “Sure kiddo.”

 Virgil finally allowed his hand to move, stopping right in front of Patton. Patton looked mildly surprised at this but no less happy as he carefully stepped onto Virgil’s hand. Virgil, on his part, tried not to think about it too much as he carefully lifted Patton up and closer to his chest. If he allowed himself to, then he might never move.

 “Ready?” Virgil asked, wanting to make sure Patton was okay.

 Patton gave Virgil a thumbs up. “Ready!”

[sunsetinmyvein]

I Know That I’ll Lose - Chapter Three - I Tell You Lies, But It’s Only Sometimes

It was 1am when she heard her phone buzzing relentlessly against the wood of her bedside table. She grabbed it, recognising the number that she really had to save as an actual contact. Eventually. One day. Maybe. But why was Matty calling at 1am? He was meant to be on a plane. 

“We have got to stop meeting like this.” She mumbled as she answered the call, still half asleep.

“My flight got cancelled.” He replied instantly; opting to ignore her fantastic joke.

“That’s shitty.” She said with a yawn. “When’s your next one?”

“They just asked me to come back tomorrow to find out if there’s another.” He explained. She hummed thoughtfully in response, only really sort of processing what he was saying. There was a pause on the line for a moment as Matty waited for her to put two and two together. “So… I don’t have a hotel to stay in.” He added.

“Better go book another one then.” She replied.

“But it’s midnight.” He whined. “And so last minute.” He continued.

Her brain was starting to catch up to what he was getting at now, and she sensed he would continue listing reasons it would be better for him to stay at her house rather than at a hotel all night if she let him. “No, Matty.” She said, properly awake now.

“Please?” She could practically see the pout on his face through the phone.

“Why can’t you just book another hotel?” She questioned, rubbing her eyes to get the uncomfortable feeling of being awake far too early out of them.

“You’re the one who said your place is close to the airport.” He reminded her. She had said that. Why did she tell him that? That was a bad decision.

She groaned loudly and he could already tell that she had given in. “Fine. FINE.” She caved. His quiet ‘yessss’ echoed down the line. “You’re sleeping on the couch.” She added, just in case he was getting the wrong idea.

“Aw.” He laughed.

  “I’ll text you the address and let you in when you get here.” She said, throwing the covers off and shoving some slippers on her feet.

“Wait, what? No, no, you can go back to bed. Just leave the door unlocked and I’ll let myself in.” He said, figuring it made no sense for the both of them to be losing sleep. Not over something like this, anyway.

“Firstly, no. That’s super unsafe. Secondly, no. I will wait for you to get here.” She was already out of bed at this point and starting to get a few blankets together to throw over the couch for him.

“You do a lot of waiting for me.” He quipped, the background noise of the airport filling the few seconds of silence as he let his comment hang there for a moment. She could just picture the smug look on his face as he said that.

“Shut up or I’ll take back my generous offer.” She shot back.

“Thanks! See you soon!” He said quickly, and with a click, the line was dead.

  She draped the blankets and a pillow over the couch before taking a seat and waiting for him to get here. At this hour, the airport would only be ten minutes away, so she just kept herself busy on her phone until she heard the knock at the door. When she answered it, he looked all too happy about the news that his flight had been cancelled. Almost as soon as the door was halfway open, a massive grin was plastered on his face and he instantly dropped his suitcase to wrap her up in a hug. She let him in, leading him through to the lounge room where he was going to be sleeping.

“Couch.” She said, gesturing to the three-seater sofa in the middle of the living room with bedding spread out over it. “Kitchen. Has water and glasses to hold said water.” She waved in the general direction of the kitchen in the next room. “Bathroom is that way.” She pointed down the hall. “Do you need anything else?” She asked, turning to face him.

  “I just really wanna look at all your stuff. Your house has such a different vibe to mine.” He said as he found himself drawn to all of the things around her living areas. His style of living was fairly… minimalist. He enjoyed things but didn’t own that many himself. Half of his life was spent on the road, if he had too much, he’d never be able to keep it all. So, most of his belongings were spread between a few different locations and his suitcase. This, in contrast, was extremely cluttered. Neat and organised, confined to only certain corners of the room, but cluttered nonetheless. He could tell with how things had been displayed that a great deal of care had gone into setting it all up and these items were clearly well loved. She sat down with a huff in the arm chair next to the couch he was meant to be asleep in by now, watching as he gently examined things around the room. He asked a few questions every now and again: where had she gotten this, why did she have such and such, what was the story behind that. At one point he had asked her a question and he had thought that she was trying to work out an answer, but when he had turned around, he realised that the reason for her silence was because she had fallen asleep while he was too busy fawning over inanimate objects.

  “Bollocks…” He muttered, trying to work out what to do. He already felt bad for having woken her up and making her wait out here for him to arrive, he didn’t want to wake her up again just to send her to bed. But letting her sleep on the recliner was hardly reasonable either, especially if he was supposed to be sleeping on the couch right next to it. That was just going to be awkward for whoever woke up first. He took a quick glance around the small home, eventually spotting a doorway with a bed on the other side that he suspected to be hers. Deliberating his options for a quick moment, eventually he decided that she’d probably appreciate getting a decent night’s sleep after having to get up and let his sorry ass inside. He opted not to overthink the situation and made an effort to try and switch his brain off for five seconds as he picked her up and carried her back to bed. After he had put her back safely in her bed and pulled the covers over her, he stopped for a moment.

  He had dragged someone else into his mess of a life to help him cope with shit that he should be able to deal with by now. Whenever he left the slightly darker part of his life behind, he was under the impression that he was capable of keeping himself in check. That was certainly what everyone seemed to congratulate him for; that he finally sorted it out, he got a hold of his addiction, he got himself through it. It had turned out that without company, his self-control was pretty limited. He hated how dependent that made him feel. When he was on tour and away from his friends and family, he could at least rely on the band. But, with the band already gone he wasn’t as much of himself as he usually was. However, her company felt comforting in a different way. Yesterday had gone exceedingly better than he would’ve expected it to, and he was sure that it was due to that. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, something wasn’t the same as if he would have been at those interviews with the band. But he thought that maybe he could work it out if he had enough time to. Hell, he fucking skipped out on his own flight just to hang around for one more day and see if he could do exactly that. She mumbled something as she rolled over, and he finally snapped out of it and realised he had been standing in this room for far too long now. “Creepy, Matty. Creepy. Leave.” He muttered under his breath to himself as he trudged back out into the lounge room to try and get some sleep.

  * * *

  “Sleep well?” He asked as she wandered into the lounge room the next morning. He was sat comfortably in the recliner, the blankets that had been tossed across the couch were now folded up neatly on top of it. The TV was playing some random morning news program, and he was mostly paying attention to that, other than the brief glance he threw her way as she entered. Did that man ever sleep? He looked almost exactly the same as he had when he rocked up last night.

“Not bad.” She answered, eyeing him curiously. Everything in the lounge room still seemed to be in place. Neater, even. “I fell asleep in here last night, didn’t I?” She asked eventually.

“Mmhm.” He nodded, not looking away from the TV.

“How did I end up back in bed?” She continued.

“I put you there.” He answered casually.

“I had a feeling that’s what you were gonna say.” She said, making her way into the kitchen to start finding some form of breakfast. “And I was kind of surprised to see that you hadn’t tried to worm your way in next to me. So, I wasn’t sure if that would be the correct answer.” She said with a dry laugh as she put the kettle on the stove top to boil.

  “Geez. I’m hurt that you think I’d do that.” He gasped; a hand clutched to his chest. His tone of voice sounded serious but the look on his face was still joking. “You told me to sleep on the couch. I might be a bit of an arse but I’m not a complete psychopath.” He added with a shrug as he came over to lean against the counter top.

She hummed thoughtfully at his answer, “How you act sometimes would have me convinced you don’t know where to draw the line.” That one felt like it cut him a bit deeper than he would’ve liked, but he shrugged it off.

“You have never once told me to stop acting how I do.” He pointed out. She thought about this for a moment and quickly realised that he was right. Maybe she should start doing that… Maybe. “If you did, I would. But I know there’s a line.” The silence hung between them for a moment as she thought about how to respond. She felt like she should potentially apologise for accusing him of something like that after his answer, but he continued speaking before she got the chance. He seemed to be pretty good at that. “Tea?” She gratefully took the way out of the conversation that he was offering her before it got awkward, nodding as she grabbed two mugs.

  They both prepared a quick breakfast, eating quietly in front of the background noise of the TV. She only had fairly limited supplies considering that she hadn’t expected to have to cater to a second person this morning. Which meant that they ended up stuck with buttered toast and tea, the breakfast of budget conscious champions. A decent amount of time had passed since she had woken up, and it was starting to move into mid-morning territory. So far, Matty had mentioned nothing about having to get on a plane and go home. “So, what are you going to do about your flight?” She asked him around a mouthful of toast.

“They wanted me to go back to the airport today to speak to the people and get a new one, but I think someone is just going to call me with the new details instead.” He answered, flipping channels to find something more interesting

“You just have to wait and see?” She asked with a frown.

“Yep.” He sighed, popping the ‘p’ as he said it.

  “Which, in light of that, what is there to do around here?” He glanced around the room, trying to spot something that could be used to kill the time.

“You’re intending on hanging out here?” She questioned in surprise.

“Well, I might be leaving in half an hour, I might be leaving in eight. I can’t just wander around outside like some lost puppy until they call me and tell me when.” He pointed out as he stood up and made his way over to a bookshelf.

“Why not?” She huffed.

He gasped loudly as he turned to face her, but his shocked expression gradually turned into a smile. “You wound me. You don’t want my company?” The look in his eyes and the smirk on his face suggested that he was already giving her shit for admitting that she enjoyed having him around. She shouldn’t have said anything yesterday in the bar. He was already well aware of her answer by the blush creeping onto her cheeks.

  “Okay, fine. You can stay until your flight. But I have actual things that I need to be getting done.” She finally agreed.

“But who will entertain me?” He asked with an exaggerated groan.

“Well, you can’t just expect me to drop everything I had planned for today.” She argued as she grabbed her laptop and set herself up on the couch.

“You should’ve been expecting me and freed up your schedule!” He said with a laugh.

“How could I anticipate that your flight would get cancelled and you’d rock up on my doorstep?” She asked without looking up from her screen. He quickly realised his mistake. Him intentionally ditching his flight to spend more time with her was a thought that only occurred in his mind, not hers as well.

He let out a nervous laugh, “True.” He mumbled as he quickly changed topics. “What you doin’?” He asked as he plopped himself down on the couch next to her.

“Answering emails.” She replied.

“About?” He continued, glancing over her shoulder and trying to read what was on her screen.

“Upcoming shows and sending spreadsheets off for yours.” She answered as she dragged and dropped a few excel sheets into an empty email.

“Any bands I’d know?” He glanced at the contact names on the email sidebar. None seemed familiar except the ones that he recognised as being Dirty Hit addresses.

“Doubt it.” She shrugged, “They’re all smaller, local shows.”

  He watched her typing away at the keyboard, his interest eventually waning as his eyes wandered around the room. “Got any weed?” He blurted out.

She rolled her eyes at his question, then supposed it was probably only a matter of time before he asked it. “I do.” His face lit up at her words. “But I’m not sharing it.” And out went that light as quickly as it had come into his eyes. He opened his mouth to begin arguing as to why she should indeed split some with him, but she continued. “You need to catch a plane, anyway! You can’t rock up at the airport stoned.”

“Why not? I’ve done worse.” He laughed loudly, thinking on all of the stories he could tell her that would definitely top arriving at a flight stoned.

“I am not letting you rock up to the airport stoned.” She rephrased.

“Just tell me when I’m getting warmer.” He said as he stood up and started moving around the living room, holding his hands out like he was stumbling through the dark about to run into furniture.

“We are not playing hotter and colder for drugs, Matty.” She tried to sound at least sort of chastising, but the laugh that fell from her lips betrayed her amusement at how silly he looked walking around blindly.

“I’ll pay you back for it.” He added.

“That’s not…” She let out a deep sigh as she ran her hands down her face. “That’s not the point.”

“If you’re hiding it on your person, don’t think that’ll stop me.” He turned to face her with a suggestive grin. As she went to discount that theory, his phone started ringing. Thank god for that.

  He held the device up to his ear, listening intently and making approving noises as he continued to pretend that he was a drug sniffer dog. While he was distracted, she got up and walked into another room. The random representative from the airline spent a good ten minutes apologising for the inconvenience of having to rebook his flight due to ‘unforeseen circumstances’ before actually getting to the point. He decided it was probably best not to press that matter any further given it would come out sooner or later that the circumstances that caused him to miss his flight were pretty easily foreseen. She walked back into the lounge, seeing that he was still on the phone. “Sweet. Flight number BA637 at midnight? That’ll do.” He nodded to himself. After a few more apologies and pleasantries were exchanged, he finally managed to get off the phone and get back to the important matter at hand. “So… My flight is at midnight. That’s plenty of time to get stoned.” He said as he spun around to face her, only to find that she was already right in front of him, holding something out for him to take. He flashed her a confused expression before holding his hand out. She placed a snuff box and papers into it before taking her seat back on the couch. “Oh, you actually…” He seemed genuinely surprised to be presented with the drug. “Uh, thanks.”

  He hadn’t anticipated that she would actually go get it for him. For the most part, he had been joking. Not that it was an unwelcome offer. His stash had run out after the show on Friday, and it was incredibly good for calming his brain down. He took a seat back in the recliner, quickly rolling a joint. Before lighting it up for himself, he supposed he should probably share with the gracious host. He held the joint he had rolled out to her and she shook her head in response without even looking up from her emails. He frowned as he looked down at it, then back up at her. “You’re not gonna have any?” He asked.

“No way.” She said with a short laugh. “I’ve got shit to get done, I can’t be stoned.”

“What! Why didn’t you tell me that before?” He asked loudly.

“You seemed pretty hell bent on getting high.” She shrugged as she looked up on him. He looked like a child who’d just been told that they weren’t actually going to Disney World and were, in fact, going to the dentist instead.

“Not by myself.” He mumbled in disappointment.

“Tough shit.” She chuckled.

He let out a reluctant groan, pausing for a moment before speaking again, “You sure you don’t want any?” He offered one last time.

“Another time, Matty.” She sighed with a small smile.

“I’ll hold you to that.” He nodded as he tucked the joint behind his ear.

  He sat and waited patiently, half paying attention to the TV as she finished up the emails that she had to get done. Eventually, once she had finished the tasks that she was meant to get done with her day, she was considerably more willing to entertain the messy haired boy on her couch. They killed the time eating snacks and getting to know each other a bit better. She felt that she had a pretty decent grasp on the conundrum that was Matthew Healy after a few hours of chatting with him. They were both blunt and honest people, so it was easy to cut to the chase and skip around the idle chit chat that filled the majority of their day to day conversations. And he was finding that the more he spoke with her, the further the connection between them went. What had initially been him enjoying having someone around purely because of how well they reacted to him was fast becoming quite a well-rounded friendship. She was also quickly finding that whenever she got him onto a topic that he truly enjoyed discussing, he was an unstoppable force of enthusiasm and ridiculous vocabulary. A conversation with Matty mostly involved just listening to the torrential waves of thought that were Matty.

  Eventually during their chat, he discovered a few retro video game consoles that she had hidden under her TV. He was all too keen to prove that he’d have more skill than her at any game she could throw at him, and being the competitive person that she was, she wasn’t about to let him think that he was right. As soon as they got engrossed in the games, the time flew by. It wasn’t long before his phone was buzzing to remind him that he had a plane to catch. Whoever was organising his flights had also organised a taxi for him that was currently waiting outside. He flashed her an apologetic look as he paused the game and started grabbing his things.

“Sorry, I’ll have to kick your arse another time.” He said as he quickly scanned the room to make sure he wasn’t leaving anything behind. Would leaving his wallet behind be a decent excuse to miss another flight..? Probably not. He shoved it into his pocket.

“You have lost more games than you’ve won, y’know.” She pointed out with an eyebrow raised as she stood up.

“So far.” He shot back as he pointed at her seriously, before cracking a huge grin. His smile was ridiculously infectious.

  He started heading towards the door, pausing for a moment before grabbing the handle. “Thank you for letting me hang out here all day. Sorry if I was a bit of a burden.” He said with a sheepish smile, scratching at the curls sitting at the back of his neck.

“You’re not a burden.” She replied with a roll of her eyes. “But it’s no problem. Let me know the next time you’re back in this part of the globe.”

“Can do.” He said with a bright grin. “Bye, Y/N/N.”

“Bye, Matty.” She said, going in for a goodbye hug. He leaned forward in a different way than if he was reciprocating the hug, and for a brief moment the thought passed her mind that he might be about to try and kiss her. But he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, smiling to himself as he did so. The blush that was rapidly spreading across her face gave her away before she could even try to cover it up.

“I’ll see you soon.” He said with a wink as he opened the door and walked down to the waiting taxi, throwing a brief wave over his shoulder in her direction. She realised as she stepped back into her house that the joint that she had given him was now sitting above her ear. She laughed to herself, expecting that she probably would be seeing that boy sooner than she thought knowing his antics.

  * * *

  When her phone buzzed loudly on her bedside table, pulling her out of her half-asleep state, she supposed that she shouldn’t have been surprised. Would it really have been a night of knowing Matty Healy without him trying to contact her at some ridiculous hour? She rolled over, grabbed her phone and held it to her face, trying to adjust her eyes to read the bright screen in the darkness.

11:36pm My flight got cancelled again :/

No way. Again? That didn’t seem very likely... The airports here were fairly reliable most of the time, the odd cancellation wasn’t unheard of but two in a row seemed pretty ridiculous. What had he said his flight number was? Maybe it said online what was happening with the plane. She quickly googled the flights heading to London that night, finding his flight number straight away. It was still scheduled on time. Why the hell was he trying to get out of his flight home?

11:39pm No, it didn’t

11:40pm It did. They said the engines are broken

  She sent through the screenshot of the page that she had just looked up.

11:40pm It says here that your flight is still scheduled for midnight

11:40pm Your website must be outdated

She didn’t have the energy at this hour to work out if he was joking or not. But she was pretty damn sure that the website would’ve been correct.

11:41pm Catch your damn plane, Matty

He smiled to himself as he read the message before tucking his phone into his pocket and handing over his boarding pass. The flight attendant gave him a warm smile as they scanned it and handed it back to him. He hadn’t really expected to be able to get away with it two nights in a row, but he felt it was still worth the shot.

 Last Chapter

Next Chapter

[shytiff]

Apr 2021 Wins

Started typing this on 4th apr lmaooo

1 - went to mcd. bought chicken + rice with the app promo. there’s a staff helping me on the order machine lol i feel badd there’s no need to do thatt. ate my lunchmade by mom at mcd’s muschola and went to sbux bcs its tumbler day. green tea latte w skim milk as usual. sent dr triya’s translation. ecmocard. started rereading goong (AGAIN. i probably have read it like 3 times minimum). still bring some feels

2 - its holiday today. spent almost the whole daylight rereading goong (turns out its pronounce ‘gung’ not ‘gong’ lol ive been wrong all this time) and finished it. the scene where they stare at each other, separated by the castle door, always gets me. got the old ipad charged (the screen are like 30% close to detaching and falling apart) and started AOT

3 - spent the whole day reading AOT. i like it when i have mini purposes in life (eg: finishing a manga series). AOT rly talks a lot about what do you want to do in life, the consequences of your choices and how you have to live with it. i felt triggered in a good way. the characters dont rly judge other’s choices, but they question them. discuss about it. give you some moral push. second gladi today. my vbg was still filpped hhhh. read aot until i felt sleepy and fell asleep. woke up very near subuh and prayed isya. my toxic trait is the horrible self care (and im talking bare minimum lol hehe lmao)

4 - finished aot. Asked irun about some aot explanations and she sent 5 paragraphs in one bubble. Slept. Flavola, kopsus coklat and somay. Also ate japota honey butter. Did 1 long input of ecmocard. Followed baepsae choreo. Moved my body a bit. Wow im not immediately sleeping. Amazing

5 - arrived at harkit 11-ish and went back about 1pm loll. super hungry when im arriving in kalideres. bought tahu colek worth 3000 (i wonder how the seller hears me through my 2 layers of mask), roti sisir and some ice cream in alfamidi. my fitlife protein powder ran out again. its my 2nd already. did some ecmocard, wasted my time after maghrib

6 - woke up late. did not have the mental strength to go to harkit so i decided to just stay home. bought sbux 1L green tea and macchiato. wasted the daylight and finally did some ecmocard in the evening,,,,

7 - off to harkit 7.30-ish pm in the rain. Took some data for ecmocard. Went to salemba to get tabung and surat bebas pustaka. Had breakfast slash lunch first, tried guudfuud (red rice, beef and omega egg). I like that the rice was not too much. Met up w ness ren and talked about isip dilemmas at sky. Afterwards went to flavola. Ordered mie rebus and roasted milk tea cause i somehow feel sooo hungry and in need of calories. It tasted so good, i was sitting in my usual seat facing the window, and the sky was a mixture of blue and grey. Brought croissant and sakura pocky at indomart. Ate the bread immediately after indomie. Went back home. Juan brought tahu gejrot that was delicious and crunchy. Internship files briefing by akis. Fell asleep

8 - woke up. Saw that dr retha was up for interview. Panicked. Thankfully it was at 12. I left home at 9:40 ish and arrived 11:50. Its a long ass way. Turns out i was interviewed with ka agassi. The doctors are so kind. They explained the gist of anesthesiology profession, and how its a choice you make, and its okay as long as you like what you do. Tried halo bowl for lunch. Sous vide chicken, rice, caesar sauce, beef bacon, and the deliciouss butter broccoli. Went back to kalideres and to starbucks. I only spent <2 hrs in there (a waste of money, i know). Bought decaf hazelnut latte (apparently the beans were kenyan something? Medium?) and butter croissant (need to cushion my stomach). Did GCP certification and sent it to the ever so kind mba Ai. Still got energy from the caffeine, did some ecmocard, read quran, read.... Toji fanfic 🤦‍♀️

9 - went to rsf w mom. We took the wrong way and had to take the long way but thank god theres still time to spare. Met dr rara. Some briefing. Went to rscm w agassi, submitted files for ijazah, went back to RSF. Girlll the cost of transport. MRT: 12K. Grab: 16-17k. Thats one way trip. Bought food at rsf canteen. Eocru briefing by the research coordinator. Ward tour w dr retha. Snacked on ovaltine provided by mba ai. Went home after maghrib by tj. Liqo along the way. Glad bersih (came late). Drank macchiato for some strength but still fell asleep quickly.i shouldnt have laid down

10 - kebakaran jenggot in the morning due to green screen positioning. Finally got the appropriate setup (after many fabric tries and cutting my mukena) at 08:30. Finished showering 08:45. Zoom was opened at 9 lmao. Somehow finished before 09:30. Zoompah w mom and dad along side me. After its ovee, some "photoshoot" w fam. At this point i was truly rly sleepy. Took of my makeup. Changed my clothes. And then racil silv dev showed up lol. I got gifts c: and then atikah came. And then i redid my makeup, this time with the help of friends to create fantastic eye make up look (which i can never pull off). Eyebrows by sil, eyeshadow and liner by cheldev lol. Took some photos. Dajen came. Talked. Videocalled w pupuy. A surprise gift from fianti came. And then chel dajen went back at 8. Still cant sleep. Slept at like 11-12

11 - lazed. Woke up, ate pizza (mom bought 2 of phd's 1m pizza) and bakwan, slept again. Matcha latte and ecmocard. Watched a bit of 2nd sinau

12 - off to rsf at 06:20. Arrived 07:15 ish. Lunch was ayam penyet accompanied by snacks that mba ai bought. Off to harkit at 14:05 (bcs my laptop somehow shut down and i lost all the unsubmitted data). And then off to kalideres at 15:30 ish to meet up w clara and search for clothes for almira's wedding. Went to lippo bcs clar saw this dress that kinda looks like the brokat given. We ate at ramen ya. It doesnt rly make you feel full, the filliny sensation was kinda like indomie. Saw that the dress looked different. Ate 1 boba pancake together at banban. Continued on to the tailor in kebon jeruk. The location was in an alley, and it was raining lol. Quoting clara: "the unnecessary struggles". The tailor was quite helpful (and she looks experienced). Arrived at clara's at 8 ish. Picked up by mom with car (it was raining) and arrived at abt 9. Hurriedly showered and tarawih and tidied up AND ITS ONLY 09:45. Its crazy how efficient one use time (and at the same time, how wasteful one can be)

13 - first day of fasting. The morning was spent taking samples. I stupidly took a sample thats not yet labeled im sorry :(((( i felt kinda tired and wanted to give up this. Give up anesthesia. Went back home at 14:00 and its cloudy. The bus was the nicer types and it was COLD. Read quran along the way. Picked up by juan. Opened laptop. And then its iftar time. I was sooo sleey and the tarawih was so long thst i closed my eyes along the way. Fianti called after tarawih, we talked til abt 21:30. And then i fell asleep

14 - went to rscm. Submitted serkom files. Met dr dyah and i hope we could somehow meet her again if we study in fkui again aamiin. Went to rsf by mrt. Arrived in lebak bulus just before it was raining. The bus took a while to arrive (usually theyre there, waiting). Its still raining like crazy so i took grabcar to AR from pesakih (39k). Played with my phone til iftar. Played phone again after tarawih and fell asleep

15 - i felt rlyy lazy and cant bring myself to wake up. Off to rsf at 07:15. There were coordinator ppl. Took sample. It was raining when i went back but i took grabbike from kalideres. Wasted my time and did not do ecmocard

16 - sampling. Snacked on keripik pisang at the room. Went back early at 13:15 ish. Picked up by juan. Sleeeept (and this is before the nightmareish mistake began)

17 - i did a mistake by telling dr retha (who took the sample today) the wrong patient (it switched in my unreliable memory. I feel terrible. Thank god shes quite chill abt it (?). Read jujutsu kaiseeen. Went to flavola. Did 1 ecmocard. Went to bandar jakarta baywalk by motorbike. Spent 135k and was quite full with many varieties. Arrived home at about 20:50. Turns out juan also had bukber with his friends. Phone call with fiiii, talked abt dimrob

18 - lazed all day, read jjk, finished my part of ecmocard (gave genky to ekal cause i was a dumbass at getting data). Ate mom's mentai rice, siomay. Drank green tea latte. Read jjk til 145 (mentok) at night. Proceeds to consume all things jjk lmaoo

19 - we took sooo long to get samples. Finished at 13:00. Went to rm with dr rara. Went back home. Watched the third sinau. Read the IMMACULATE jjk fics by celestialmechanics im IN LOVEEEE with the way s/he writes ughhhh

20 - samples took faster than usual. Mba ai did not came today. Went to RM and did some work there. Off to AR by 15:00. Arrived close to maghrib. Did not do any work afterwards lmao. Did not even wash my face

21 - magang as usual. Note to self: sit on the right side of the bus. Did nothing yesterday. Felt like shit after tarawih (but i showered before maghrib!!)

22 - todays problem was the swab sample not being there even though the staff allegedly already took it. Huft. Took a shower and out on vitacid (i cant remember the kast time i put on vitacid 😳 its probably been... a week or two?

23 - samples finished quite quickly. Already going home at 12. Lazedddd and lazed and lazed. Waited for emir to pick me up so i went to dm. Read an immaculate itadori x megumi fix thats just full of feels. Started demon slayer lets see

24 - literally just laid in bed reading manga and seeing tiktok and slept again and suddenly its 1 am. Showered. Still in a lazy mode. Havent begun clires work. Watched leah's vlog that said "go do things youve been putting off!". Finally finished the third and last video of Sinau Yuk ICU class with dr. Zeta, SpAn lolll even though the actual last class was on 7th apr. iftar was fish and chips and salad yuum

25 - woke up at like 1am since i slept too much yesterday. Ate tan ek tjoan bread and drank sbux matcha latte. Did some intern work. Read a bit of quran. Sahur. Cant even sleep again so i showered. Off with mom and dad (09:30) since dad’s going to get vaccinated at skk migas. Mom drove me to ara’s place (11:00). Talked a bit and even read quran again there. Off to GI (13:00) to meet up w regen. Walked around. Bought a discounted TBS green tea facial wash. Went back home by TJ (16:00). the bus station is a bit closer now. Arrived home close to maghrib (17:30). hurriedly showered and went to sleep (properly) after tarawih. A good good sleep since i got 9400 steps today and that tired me out lmaooo (bare minimum yall, i know). 

26 - woke up still sleepy. Slept again after iftar and woke up at 07:30. Skipped shower and off to RSF lmao. Went to medical record. Walked to the front of RSF originally planning to go to lebak bulus by angkot but i saw none. So i went through mrt instead. Stopped by at kebon jeruk and walked 800 meter (that tireeed me and made me feel parched under the sun) to risma busana for clothes fitting. Took gojek to jembatan gantung (turns out the closer halte to flyover was taman kota). Iftar was chicken noodle and risol and banana and i felt fullll and i slept

27 - today is off day since im alternating with agassi. read quran. watched shadow and bone (with 1,5x speed except for kanej and matthias nina scenes). didnt rly do any magang work except the table asked by dr retha. i feel like usually im operating on 70%. sleeping more doesnt rly add that. i need caffeine or physical activity. before i know it, its close to iftar.

28 - i ((felt)) like i had a decent amount of energy today. shouldve done some work between sahur and leaving the house but i ended up reading vampire knight lmaoooo the scenes had no business bringing so much butterflies. sampling together w agassi. mba ai didnt come in today. after agassi left did some magang work. i also went to RM to ask for more RM to bu dian. took angkot to lebak bulus for the first time. paid 5k. i had no idea which angkot went to lebak bulus and the driver (somehow knowing the right words to say) said “lebak bulus lebak bulus”. didnt read much quran on the way back. i just close my eyes and relaxed. felt kinda low on sugar. watched more shadow and bone on the way back and at home until close to iftar. didnt do anything after tarawih. slept hoping i woke up early (which i did, at 3am. but i slept again)

29 - im supposed to have ample energy but i just stuck around my bed until its time to get ready to go. read some kanej fic lol. I dont rly do anything productive after arriving home

30 - made intern log, magang as usual. Did not go to rm. Finished watching shadow and bone. Rested bcs tomorrow's saturdayyy

[danganronpa-tng]

Chapter 5 - The Trial Of Kamron Naegi

*Trigger Warning; brief mention of hanging later in the trial. Read at your own discretion*

- - -

Kamron was found collapsed out in the hallway of the dormitory corridor. He had a couple of bruises on barely visible areas, such ad his stomach or legs. His sunglasses were missing. Due to the fact four people encountered the body at the same time, one out of the four could still be a suspect, hkwever this is not certain.

Cause of death was blood loss. He was found with his right hand severed, laying several feet away from him. The weapon used to sever the hand is unknown, but the cut makes it look like a sharp blade. There were clear signs of a struggle, including blood splatters in the middle of the hallway. It seems he was propped up against the wall rather than collapsing against it.

The victim was killed at approximately 1PM. He was discovered at approximately 9AM that day.

- - -

“So, he died at 1AM?”

“Yep... anything on your mind, Sara?”

“Huh? Oh, nothing really. I just find it odd he was still fully clothed at 1AM, that’s all. Well, bar his sunglasses, but you know.”

“That’s true, actually... thanks, Sara!”

“Anytime! Good luck.”

- - -

“I-I can’t believe this... Kamron... as s-soon as I learn we’re related...”

“Hey, hey Kass... it’s gonna be OK. We’re gonna find his killer, no matter what! Ok?”

“Yeah... yeah, I know you can. We all can. I just can’t let this slide. Someone’s- someone’s gonna pay!”

“Right.”

- - -

“Greetings, Hayden.”

“Oh, Katelyn! You ok? You look panicked.”

She’s smoothing out her clothes and panting.

“No, not panicked per say... more so, kind of nervous. I was chatting to Aspen last night, and we talked about how we were sure nobody else would be killed from now on... I suppose we were wrong.”

“Oh...”

“Anyways, I did my usual check to the weapons room, as I tend to do.”

“And?”

“I, surprisingly didn't see anything out of place. Nobody had moved anything since the masquerade.”

“Really? That’s odd... anyways, thanks Katelyn.”

“Anytime. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

- - -

“M-morning, Aeja...”

“Hello, Hayden. Apologies for my message earlier, please disregard it.”

“Huh? I mean, we can still talk if you want-”

“No, it’s quite alright. Now, what did you come over here for?”

“Ah, well, I just wanted to see what evidence you had.”

“Is that it? Hm. Well then, all I’ve found so far isn’t properly solid evidence, but I noticed that almost everyone came out of their room in their pyjamas, as you can see. However, three people didn’t. Aspen, Katelyn and Estrella. Not proper evidence.”

“Well, it’s still worth noting! Thanks, Aeja.”

“You’re welcome. Now, please leave me be. I’m thinking.”

“Ah. Ok.”

- - -

“Estrella-?”

“Hm? Hmm? Is that a voice? No, must have been the wind.”

“Estrella-”

“Oh, there it is again! It sure is drafty in here.”

“Estrella please, I just wanna talk about evi-”

“Ugh, a leader as supreme as me shouldn't be putting up with a cold room. I’ll be taking my leave now.”

“Wait-! Aaaaaaaand she’s gone.”

- - -

“Hm? Vera? Oh, you can write it down. Cool.”

Yes. Well, I was just wondering, has anyone checked the kitchen to see if all the knives are still there? It might be a worthy idea.

“Oh, no actually! I didn’t even think of that. Thanks, Vera!”

- - -

The Trial

- - -

“So, does anyone have a solid alibi?”

“For 1AM?”

“Ah... fair point. So let me rephrase that; was anybody in someone else’s dorm last night? As in, sleeping over?”

Yes, I was staying in Sara’s room last night.

“Ah, ok! So, we can pretty safely assume those two are clear then.”

“Nice! Thanks, Vera!”

“Was anyone else with another person? For any amount of time?”

I looked over at Estrella and Aeja. They were looking anywhere but at each other, avoiding eye contact like it was the Black Plague. I pitied the two. I debated whether or not I should admit I saw them. But before I could, the conversation topic changed.

- - -

“So, I don’t suppose anyone checked the weaponry room, did they?”

“Yes, I did, in fact.”

“Oh! See anything, Katelyn?”

“No, actually. Nothing was out of place, so it seems nothing has moved since our last investigation.”

“Oh, that’s odd...”

“...hey, Vera? Didn't you say you thought about checking the kitchen?”

She nods.

“Did you get a chance to?”

She nodded again, starting to write. I suppose writing is easier then having everything translated.

Yes. One knife was in the rack still, but bloodied, so we can assume a kitchen knife is what severed his hand. And I also noticed a glass while I was there, one that still had ice in it. Which means...

“Someone only put it back this morning?”

She nods.

- - -

“Estrella, you’ve been pretty quiet.”

“Hm? Oh, sorry. I just didn’t feel like wasting my breath on you.”

“Wow, rude.”

“Really? Quite honestly Sara, I hadn’t cared to notice.”

“What’s up with you? You’ve been in a pretty good mood since the whole-”

“Yeah, well, things change, People change. Or rather, they don’t. See, I was trying to be a but nicer, but after a certain incident I realised that- well, who am I kidding? I’ve built this role for myself, and I’m never gonna be able to shake it off, so might as well live up to it.”

She folds her arms.

“I’m the evil leader that’s only here to confuse and irritate people. I’m the walking embodiment of a bad joke! So, if you plan on figuring out who stabbed Spy Kid over there, I suggest you shut the fuck up and keep going with the trial.”

Sara just looked away, slightly disheartened.

“I thought we’d become friends now... Aren’t we friends?”

“Do you really want to be friends with someone like me?”

- - -

“Well, let’s get back to alibis, since we don’t have much to go off. Where was everyone? Alone, or with someone else?”

“I- like I said earlier, I was with Vera.”

“Right. Karma?”

“I was alone. I stayed up a bit late though, so I only woke up when the body announcement went off.”

“Ok. Kassidy?”

“I-I said goodbye to Kamron and then went back to my room... I went asleep pretty quickly.”

“Alright. Katelyn?”

“Unlike almost everyone here, I have an alibi. I stayed in Aspen’s room last night, then went back to mine and got changed. I was up before the announcement, so-”

“Wait a sec.”

“Hm? Something wrong, Aspen?”

“Katelyn... you never came to my room last night.”

- - -

“Katelyn..? Care to defend yourself?”

“Wh- oh, shut up, copycat. Have you not even considered your dear girlfriend over there? You should have seen her face when we saw the body! She didn’t even look surprised, she looked like she already knew! She-”

“That’s because I did.”

“...what?”

“Estrella, what do you mean by-?”

“Isn't it obvious, Mr No Talent? I saw the murder happen. I was on my way back to my room when I heard a fight, so I went to check it out, and... well, I simply decided to not give him a hand, haha!”

“Really?! You're serious?”

“Most likely.”

“Well, who did it?”

“I thought that was obvious, too. I decided not to tell you because I’m pissed off! I’m a petty bitch, as you know, and as such I decided to let this play out.”

“Estrella, stop being childish-”

“DON’T talk to me about childish, Aeja! I’m not the one who tried to hang them self when they got scared!”

The room fell horribly silent. Aeja looked away, and Estrella reached up to her own cheek, where her cut was. Something started to click into place.

“Wait, Aeja tried to-”

“Fine then, Estrella. If you're going to be like that, shut up and dont disrupt this trial. This isn't about our business, it’s about finding Kamron’s killer. So, now that we’re back on topic and abandoning that last conversation... Katelyn? Aspen?”

Aspen looked at Katelyn, who didn’t meet his eyes.

“K-Katelyn? Kate? Please, please tell me you just got mixed up. You got mixed up, right? Yeah. Yeah!”

“...Aspen.”

“...no. No, no, no, please don’t say it.”

- - -

“Why? Why did you do it, Katelyn?”

“I- Hayden. You have to understand, I hold my parents in... very high regard. He was insulting them, insulting me! I-I couldn’t just let that stand. I got mad, so I- I got a knife from the kitchen and went back, just to threaten him! I never planned on actually hurting him... but I guess he panicked, and he lunged at me. So I panicked, and- I accidentally-”

“...chopped his hand off.”

“...If I could go back in time, I would change what I did. But, it’s in the past now. I... this shouldn't have happened, I know.”

“...you can’t be serious, right Katelyn? Right?! It was Estrella. Yeah, it was! You’re just covering for her because- because- you don't wanna watch the same execution again!”

“...no.”

“...this doesn’t compute. There’s something wrong here, right? RIGHT?!”

- - -

“Well, Hayden, I do not wish to put up a fight. Care to unravel this case?”

That quickly? Hm...

“Ok. This- *sigh*.”

This all starts... Last night, I believe. The killer was out in the corridor with Kamron, with whom they hadn't interacted, until the killer made some off-handed comment about their parents, which caught Kamron’s attention. He started talking about the parents of the other participants, including the killer’s. They seemed to have a particular distaste for their parents, particularly their deceased father, for reasons unknown, as they started to slander them, insulting them and the killer. The killer, enraged by this, leaves Kamron there and goes to the kitchen. They grab a knife, which they must have thought was blunt, to threaten him. However, when they got there, Kamron saw the weapon in their hand and panicked. They tried to lunge for the killer, but was swiftly cut off- literally- as the killer also panics and swings the knife with unusual force. This blow, to their dismay, manages to cut off Kamron’s hand. He stumbles backwards and collapsed, bleeding out. The killer, panicking, returns to their room. They stash the weapon and go straight to bed, trying to act natural. 

They wake up slightly earlier than everyone else to hide the evidence. They wake up a bit too late though, and don't have as much time as they thought to clean the weapon. They simply slip it back into the knife rack and grab a quick drink, before heading back to their room. Five minutes later, they hear me scream and run outside, ‘finding’ the body along with me and two others.

That’s what happened, and our killer is...

Katelyn Momota, the Ultimate Psychiatrist!

“...it sounds so horrible when it’s repeated back to me. But, I must face the facts. I’m-”

- - -

*mumbling*

“Aspen? Did you say somethi-”

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!”

“ ! ”

“I told you not to get mad! I told you not to hurt anyone, and look what you did! You’ve... you’ve gone and killed someone, and now I’m going to lose you. I’m gonna lose you, Katelyn!”

“Aspen... Aspen, no. You can’t be upset over me, ok? I’m a killer now. I’m a bad person here.”

“No you’re not! I don’t care what you’ve done, you’re still special to me! I-I can’t lose you! Please don’t go... please...”

Aspen was doubled over on himself, and... I think he was crying oil? 

“I didn’t know the robot could cry-”

“Shut up, Estrella.”

Katelyn looked genuinely confused and concerned. She shook her head.

“No, you... you’re not supposed to be upset over me. You... you shouldn’t be upset over me. You can’t.”

Aspen and Katelyn finally locked eyes. Neither said anything for a moment. Eventually, Katelyn sighed.

“I... I know there is no escaping my fate. But... I wish to do one more thing before I am killed. Monokuma, may I? I will make no attempt to escape.”

Monokuma shrugged.

“Sure, knock yourself out. ...wait, what are you doing?”

And suddenly, Katelyn was running. Not to the exit, not to Aspen, but to...

“...Eh-?! GAH-!”

Katelyn was on her knees either side of a now toppled over Estrella, with her hands around Estrella’s neck. Estrella was grabbing at Katelyn’s Arms, trying to free herself. She was being strangled.

“You BITCH! I should have wasted my damn murder on you!”

“KATELYN!”

“ESTRELLA!”

Two people ran over; Aspen and Aeja. Aeja reached them first, full on jumping at Katelyn and pushing her off Estrella. Aspen helped Estrella sit up, the girl in question being purple in the face and gasping for air. Aeja had Katelyn pinned by her wrists.

“Hah... hah...” 

Estrella looked over at the girls, panting. She looked between them, and I couldn't tell which person confused her more. She nodded at Aspen, trying to stand herself up.

“Katelyn... the fuck?!”

“You... you know what you did to me, you bitch!”

After a moment, Estrella took a deep breath and grinned, placing her arms behind her head.

“Of course I do! And I don’t regret it either, you know. I’m glad I did!”

Katelyn literally growled, and suddenly she shoved Aeja off her, standing up. Estrella jumped a bit, backing up. Aeja looked at Monokuma.

“Monokuma- MONOKUMA!”

Even Monokuma looked surprised at the whole outburst, but he quickly resumed normal behaviour.

“I have a very special punishment for Katelyn Momota, Ultimate Psychiatr- SHIT-!”

With Katelyn quickly approaching Aspen, Monokuma slammed his hammer down on his button.

“Wait- Katelyn!”

[imaginexxharry]

What about y/n and harry meeting again after a breakup, y/n wearing harrys hoodie (the yellow one) and harry feeling soft about it 💖💖

I loved this idea! This is filled with alot of angst and some fluff. This is probably one of my favorite things I’ve written in a while. I know I’ve been gone but this request inspired me to write again. So thank you, and thanks to everyone who stuck with me on this blog when I was gone for so long. But I am back! 

Masterlist

Send a request here

Enjoy.

It was 3am and you cursed your inability to go to sleep when you were craving those double stuffed Oreos you love so damn much. It was in your best interest that you hadn’t had them in your house for a few months now because you would never intentionally buy them, he would.

It was the new year too, so you were trying to be healthier and work out more. Which has failed miserably already.

What the hell! you thought.

Two boxes of double stuffed Oreos couldn’t hurt. Especially since you knew your time of the month was coming in a few days, so this was just one craving of many yet to come.

So that’s how you found yourself walking into your local convenient store in the dead of night. With your pajama pants that had little bunnies on them, and an oversized yellow hoodie to keep you warm in the chilly night. You probably looked crazy with your hair a mess and everything, but no one was in the store beside one cashier lady who looked like she was gonna doze off standing up.

You headed over to the sweets aisle and your stomach almost woke up the whole block with the growl it was able to create. Everything looked so good, but you came here for one thing and your heart was set on it. The blue packaging on the Oreo section caught your eye as you examined the wide selection the store had to offer.

Oreo red velvet, cinnamon bun, peanut butter, mint chocolate, Salted Caramel-

“Ew who in their right mind would eat Oreo cherry cola flavor.” You scrunch your face up in disgust as you spoke to yourself.

You are a simple gal you like the regular flavor of Oreos, just the double stuffed ones for more chocolatey goodness. But they were nowhere to be seen, you moved some of the other flavors around to see maybe if the double stuffed were hiding behind them, but they weren’t.

You sighed in frustration. They can’t have all other flavors besides the most basic one! You were so desperate for this late night snack that for a split second considered going to another store. But you realized this is the only 24 hour one for miles.

You sighed and almost gave up and went back to your bed. But you decided to look through the shelf one more time in hopes that you would find a pack of your favorite Oreos.

“If you’re looking for the double stuffed ones, there’s none left. I just asked the lady in the front they don’t get more shipment until tomorrow morning, sadly.” A guy says from behind you unexpectedly causing you to jump a little.

You didn’t know anyone was in here.

“Which sucks cause those are my favorite.” As your heart calmed down, The guys voice started to register in your brain and your heart started to race again. You could recognize that voice anywhere. You swallowed a shaky breath and turned around.

“Harry?” You say so softly you don’t know if he even heard you. But with the look on his face when you faced him you knew he didn’t expect to see you.

“Y/N?” his voice laced with confusion.

“What are you doing here?” You both say in unison. Harry smiles and shakes his head in disbelief. And you just laugh and unintentionally play with the sleeves of your sweater. You haven’t seen Harry in so long, you can’t believe he is standing right in front of you.

Harry looked good, like really good for it being 3am. It doesn’t look like he just rolled out of bed like you did. He is in his signature black jeans and a dark blue button down. You wonder where he was or where he was going? Was he with someone?

You shut those thoughts out of your head, it didn’t matter to you, it shouldn’t. You suddenly felt self-conscious looking like a mess.

“I was out drinking at the pub down the road, and craved some of our favorite double stuffed Oreos”

Our

“You know how hungry I get when I’m a bit tipsy.” Harry says answering your question.

You almost missed his last statement because of what he said before.

Our.

That one word caused you to feel a hundred butterflies while also feeling a thousand pieces of your heartbreaking.

They weren’t Ours anymore. You made sure of that a while ago. You wanted to tell him, but you didn’t.

“How about you love, whatcha doing out here at 3am. You should be getting your rest.” Harry’s nickname he used to call you falls from his lips, and you don’t even know if he noticed. He hasn’t called you that since you guys broke up.

You took notice that Harry was a bit tipsy. His face was flushed and pink, and he had that huge smile on his face anytime he got drunk. No wonder he was being very friendly towards you.

“Your right I should be going back home to sleep, it’s getting pretty late.” You say as you took a step back and turned around to leave.

“Wait!” Harry said as he grabbed the sleeve of your hoodie. Which was a bit too big for you so you had to cuff the sleeves, but it still kept slipping over your whole arm. You pull away from.

“Please Harry I’m tired and I just want to-“

“You still have it?”

“What-“

“My yellow hoodie, you’re wearing it…” Harry says in disbelief.

Still confused you looked down at your attire and to where Harry was still holding onto you and the hoodie. You didn’t realize your wore this hoodie when you woke up at 3am and pulled out the comfiest thing in your closet. It didn’t click until Harry brought it back up.

And as you look at the yellow hoodie you wore on your frame, so many memories came rushing back to you. This was Harry’s hoodie, which he gave to you when you guys were just starting to date.

You knew you still had his hoodie. You couldn’t bring yourself to give it to goodwill when you broke up, you like it too much. And sometimes when your sad at night missing him you put it on a pretend he is there with you.

“Ohhh yeah, if you want it back you can have it. It was yours first.” You started to lift the hoodie above your head. But Harry quickly shakes his head and pulls it back over your stomach. While doing so Harry accidentally grazes your hips with his fingers as the hoodie caught hold of your shirt. You take in a sharp breath.

“No of course not. It yours, it always looked better on you than me anyway.” Harry said as he scans your frame causing your face to feel warm.

“Than-ks” Was all that you could think of saying because with Harry so near you couldn’t think properly. And you missed him. You hate to admit it but you did and it hurts. It hurts to see him and know that this man broke your heart, and he doesn’t even care.

“Do you remember the night I gave you this hoodie?” Harry asked as he still towered over you, not breaking eye contact. You didn’t know why Harry was bringing this old memory back up. But no matter how hard you try you could never forget that night. It was one of the happiest times in your life. Of course, you remembered.

It was when Harry kissed you for the first time.

A year ago

“I can’t believe you convinced me to come out here with you!” You laugh at Harry as he swung himself on the swing set in this old abandon park. It was almost 1am and it was freezing.

“What? That party was super boring! I knew you wanted to leave the moment we set foot in there.” He tells you as his body swings higher in the air. His long legs could push him to the sky if he wanted to.

“You’re right, it wasn’t really my scene.” You said truthfully. The only reason you went was because Harry invited you, and you wanted to spend more time with him, so you decided to go. And besides, you liked Harry too much to ever say no to him. You just wished he felt the same way. You shook the thought away before you dwelled on it for too long.

Even if it was 1am in a run down park that could literally be a spot where some serious felonies take place.

“You know this place is like one of the top 3 creepiest places where serial killers come to murder people.” You tell him.

“Oh really?” Harry chuckles and jumps off the swing midair.  You almost screamed thinking he fell off because he is a bit drunk as are you. But harry lands straight on his feet and bows jokingly at you.

“And he sticks the landing! I would give it a 8.5/10.” You say giggling as you sat down on the cold slide, making you shiver. The wind started to pick up and you cursed yourself for wearing such a thin top.

Harry started to make his way towards you. “You know next time we go to creepy parks in the middle of the night remind me to dress warmer.” You say as you rubbed your arms around your cold frame to keep you warm.

“Here take my hoodie.” Harry offered his yellow hoodie before you could even object. He pulled it over his head and you instantly felt bad when you saw he was only wearing a short sleeve shirt underneath.

“Harry it’s okay really, I don’t want you to be cold-“

“I’m fine really, besides I’m the one that dragged you out here. The least I could do is keep ya warm.” He says and smiles down at you and you mirror his expression.

“Now arms up.” You followed his orders and lifted your arms so it was easier for Harry to slip the hoodie on your body. You looked down at Harry’s yellow hoodie on you and smiled. It smelled like him and you loved that.

“Better?” Harry asks as he set beside you on the slide.

“Very.” Since your arms were now covered by Harry’s hoodie you laid back on the slide without it being too cold.

You looked up at the stars in the night sky and felt calm. Harry was sitting up right next to you, but he was watching you stare at the sky. You could tell he wanted to say something, but he didn’t and just kept watching you.

“What is it Harry?” You question him as you turned over to face him.

“It’s nothing really…” he looks away realizing he was staring for too long.

You push yourself off the slide to face him. Suddenly he looks nervous and you’ve rarely seen Harry nervous before. So, it made you a bit worried.

“You can tell me.” You bring ur hand to the side of his face so he would look at you. Harry leans into your touch. As he placed his hand on top of yours. His fingers traced down your hand until he reached the sleeve of his hoodie and started to play with it.

“I don’t know I just like seeing you in my clothes.” Harry says catching you off guard. “You look really good in them.”

Harry has complimented you many times before, so this shouldn’t feel any different. But it did and suddenly Harry was so close to you and your heart was beating so fast. His lips were inches away from yours and couldn’t help but stare at them.

You wanted to kiss Harry so badly, you were so close you could hear the sound of his breathing. But he didn’t make any move, and that’s what you were scared of, rejection. He didn’t want to kiss you.

You sighed and started to pull away from Harry’s hold on you. But he pulled you back to him and before you could understand what was happening his lips were devouring your own.

Your heart was racing, and your head was spinning but all you could focus on was how good Harry’s mouth felt on yours. You didn’t realize Harry had laid you down until you felt your back hit the slide under you. But Harry never broke the kiss.

And you wondered for a split second how this would look from an outsider. To see two people making out on a slide at 1am in a creepy park, and you smiled into the kiss. But you didn’t care because this was what you wanted, you wanted Harry to kiss you over and over again.

Harry slowly pulled back and you made a noise in objection, and he chuckled. His lips were almost as pink as his nose in the cold.

“I hoped that warmed you up even more.” Harry says smiling down at you.

“Hmm I think I’m still a bit cold. How about you?” You tell him as you ran your fingers through his hair, and he just laughs.

“I’m definitely still cold.” He smirks

You bring your arms up to his chest and to his shoulders as he watched your actions.

“Good. So we can do more of this.”

Harry nearly falls on top of you when you pulled him back towards you and kiss him again.

You unintentionally touch the bottom of your lip. You could still feel the way Harry’s lips moved on yours and your heart broke even more. Harry watched you intensely knowing you were reminiscing on the memory he thought of every day since the breakup.

“Why would you bring that up again?” You scold him. You were mad that he would bring up the past that you tried so hard to forget.

“I don’t know, I-“ He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, a habit he does when he is stressed.

“ I just- I miss you…” He confesses and you just scoff, making him frown.

“You miss me?! No you don’t get to say that Harry.” You half yell at him.

“You broke up with me remember. You left me Harry, and you fucking broke me.” You tried not breakdown right there, but your voice was starting to shake with emotion.

“I know. I know.” Harry says as he comes towards you and puts his hand on your shoulders.

“And I’m sorry- I’m sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to do that.”

“Well you did.”

“I know I fucked everything up. But don’t tell me you don’t miss this.” Harry cups your cheek and leans his forehead on yours.

“Don’t tell me you don’t miss us.” He whispers, and you close your eyes to stop the tears from spilling because you couldn’t. You did miss Harry, you missed everything about him and all you wanted was to be together again, but you can’t. He hurt you too badly to forget.

“Please don’t make me answer that.” You plead with him.

“I still love you Y/N and I never stopped-“

“Harry just stop!” You yell and pull away from his touch. You heart couldn’t take another blow. You couldn’t allow yourself to fall for his words again.

Harry stopped talking and realized how sad and hurt you looked when you looked at him. And he couldn’t blame anyone but himself because he did this to you, and he hated himself for it.

“I deserve better than this. I deserve better than you.” Harry’s face falls and his heart broke into a million pieces. Not just because of your words. But because he knew they were the truth.

“I hope you have a good rest of your night Harry. Get home safe.” You tell him as you took one more good look at the man that once had your heart before he crushed it, and then you walked away.

Harry wanted to call and go after you. But he didn’t, he just stood there and watched the best thing and love of his life walk away. Harry knew he couldn’t chase after you because you were right. You deserved better than him, you always did.

Harry has to let you go.

You knew you were doing the right thing for yourself.

Then why did it have to hurt you so badly?  Every step you took away from Harry made you want to run back to him, but you couldn’t.

Even though Harry was right, you did miss him. And the love you had for him never left you, even when he did.

—-

I hoped you liked it, please tell me what you thought here 

You also might like my other writing on my masterlist

[borhapstyles]

I meant headcons yes 🙈 could you write a headcon about the reader acing her 2 big exams and she is happy for a little but then gets scared for another one she has next week? And Ben like, tells her she needs to rest a bit cause she can barely even focus on what they are doing or talking about and has bags under her eyes? So he treats her and is gentle with her and gIRL AS A UNI STUDENT I NEED SOME FLUFF 😭💞

i totally understand you, dear. as a uni student myself, i sometimes feel like i need a warm hug from Ben to tell me shit’s gonna be alright this semester :((

but i believe in us and we’re going to get through this!! we’re never given more than we can handle, and we’ll be alright xx

When you and Ben first started dating

you made it clear that your studies were a top priority for you

and he understood this, of course, having gone to uni himself

but he admired your work ethic greatly, he admired your dedication to it

it’s one of the things that attracted Ben to you

because no matter how busy he was with his work

he remembered what it was like to have to fit in hours of studying and completing course work

and when he looked at your coursework load?? he got scared lmao

with this said, however, he’d get worried at times

Ben knew you could handle it, he knew you could handle anything

but considering how determined you could be at times

he was worried you’d overwork yourself

but you’d always say

“i’m fine, love, I just need to finish going over this and I’ll call it a night”

but calling it a night sometimes meant staying up till 1am or 2am till you felt you had studied enough

and it paid off, though

when you aced two big midterm exams

Ben was incredibly proud by the way

and you felt amazing about it

He decided then and there that it called for a celebratory dinner and he booked you guys a night at a lovely restaurant

one with a view of London

and you were like “Ben, you didn’t have to do all this”

but he took your head across the table and said in his low voice

“it’s not everyday that you ace two big exams like this, we should celebrate your hard work, darling.”

and you were happy for the remainder of dinner, having forgotten that you were a uni student for a moment

that’s what it was like with Ben a lot of the time

sometimes you forgot that you were more than what your major in college was

that you could have a life out of studying and doing all your work

Ben made you feel normal, which was a turn from his celebrity life

but that’s why you guys worked

apart from the whirlwind of his life on set and your life at school

you had each other, you kept each other grounded, you reminded each other of how beautiful life could be

and later that night in bed?

Ben made sure to reward you with his tongue and his cock

but the next morning

when you woke up, head on his chest and legs tangled together

the anxiety of your next exam started to set in

it was next week, which you just now realised how close it was

you had been so focused on studying for this week’s exams that you didn’t even think about next week’s

Ben wasn’t quite awake yet behind you

and you sat in silence for a few minutes, heart starting to pound at the idea of how much you’d have to do to prepare for it

butterflies filled your stomach and you sighed

and as if he could tell something was off

that’s when Ben woke up

his arms lazily wrapped around you, eyes fluttering open

he felt you shuffle around on top of him

“baby?” his morning voice was a bit raspy and deeper than usual

you sighed once more and didn’t reply

“what’s wrong? you alright?”

“i have so much i need to do.”

that’s when Ben leaned down to kiss the top of your head and rubbed your back gently

“i have the day off, we can go to a cafe together and you can study while i learn my lines if you’d like? some place small and quiet.”

so that’s where you guys went

and Ben understood your need to concentrate

but like, you barely spoke to him when you were at the cafe

he had to resist the urge to reach over and boop your nose while you were reading something

he even snapped a quick photo of you, posting it with the caption “Hardest working girl I know. And the smartest. You’re gonna kill these exams, darling.”

and you didn’t even notice but normally you’re acutely aware of things like that

your instagram was then flooded with messages wishing you luck

but like u check ur phone lmao you knew if you did you’d never get off it

anywaays

the next day, back at the house

Ben came home from an audition

and he thought he’d have you for a moment to just sit and relax

but you were chained to your desk

i mean you got up to give Ben a hug and a kiss

but didn’t really stay and chat

then Ben made dinner, one of your favorite comfort meals

���Y/N? Dinner’s ready…” his voice trailed off as he stopped at the side of your desk

you looked up at him, smiled and squeezed his hand

“thank you, i’ll be there in a minute”

at the dinner table, Ben noticed you were much more quiet than usual

you were spaced out, to say the least

not really touching your food

for a moment Ben’s insecure you didn’t like his cooking

then he realised it’s because of how tired you were

you had been studying non-stop for two days, working yourself to the bone

and it was worrying to him, how tired you really looked

he didn’t have a chance to study your face when he first came home

but you had dark circles under your eyes, and a seemingly permanent frown on your lips

“love?” he said, reaching across the table

you let out a breath and flicked your tired eyes up at him

“hm?”

“you need to take a break from all the studying”

“i am, we’re eating right now. this is my break”

“no,” he shook his head “as in for the night. you’re overworking yourself, darling. you’ve barely looked up from your books and it’s not healthy.”

“no, i have a paper due and i-i need to study, my exam is-”

“in a few days, i know, love. but you need to take care of yourself and you need to give your brain a rest. taking one night off from studying to relax and not do anything is actually going to help.”

and because you were so tired from everything, you didn’t really have the sense to argue

no matter how stressed you were about uni, you knew that he was right

Ben saw tears welling up in your eyes from how overwhelmed you were

so he stood up from his chair and walked over to you

he wrapped his strong arms around you and kissed your neck gently as you cried

“i-i don’t know how i’m going to get through all this, Ben. it’s just so much, college is so much all the time.”

“i know, baby, i know. i’m sorry it’s so much.” he uttered. he kissed your temple and rest his head on your shoulders

“you’re going to get through these exams and everything else afterwards, alright? you’re the most intelligent, hardworking, amazingly talented woman i know and your mental health is worth more than any exam. please don’t give yourself up because of this, darling.”

then you turned around and met his eyes

Ben smiled at you and you cried even harder

not because of anything bad, but because this beautiful man supported you like nothing else

Ben couldn’t give two fucks if you failed an exam or not

i mean of course he wanted you to be successful and to thrive

but he wanted you to be alright first, and just wanted to look after you

so you took the night off from studying, didn’t even glance in the direction of all your books and laptop

Ben threw on one of your favorite films

he put on bohemian rhapsody but u didnt hear it from me

he held you close and you two and sung your lungs out to the music

and you swear you just didn’t want the night to end

Ben’s fingers wrapped themselves in your hair and he’d occasionally place kisses to the top of your head

which eventually led to a very heavy make-out session

he was covered in lovebites afterwards and so were you

never mind the shit he got for it on set the next day lmao 

and several days later, you found out you aced your other exam

because u a strong smart woman who is capable of anything

and then Ben took you into his arms that night

where you told him thank you

and he said “for what? you put in all the hard work”

“yes, but you’re the one who made sure I didn’t go mad”

“just my way of saying i love you. i’ll always look after you.”

hi, big big reminder that self care is super important, especially during times of high stress like school. please take care of yourselves

go read a fanfic or something to relax ;-) Ben would want you to put yourself first. good luck to anyone with school and feel free to message me if you ever need to talk xx

[whenwomenrefuse]

I have never told this story before.

I have never told this story before.

It was the summer of finishing school, I was 19 years old and had a five-month-long holiday inbetween finishing the final exams for school and starting uni in October. Me and my friends drove to the next bigger city with the train, to go out, almost every weekend. We went on concerts and metal parties, and sure, we also drank a bit (In Germany the legal drinking age is 16 for beer and 18 for liquor), but due to the expensiveness of the drinks, it was never more than two, maybe three longdrinks. This may sound like a lot, but the way they are mixed there’s usually barely any alcohol in them. Therefore drinking three of these will still let you be almost sober. Also, my body had a pretty high tolerance for alcohol, and I’d really had have to drink heavily in order to get actually drunk. Additionally, I’d been having these exact two to three drinks every weekend for months, I knew exactly how many of them I could drink without an effect (1-2), I knew how many I’d need to drink to get slightly tipsy (3-4), and how much to get noticeably tipsy (5 and up). I was also used to taking a cab to the train station in the city (about 10 minutes), taking a 20-minute train ride and then a 10-minute walk home, in the village I lived in. I knew exactly at what point during the evening I’d have to stop drinking, to be sober when leaving for home. Since the parties only started at 10pm and the last train came at 1:30 am, I never stayed long enough to be actually wasted. What I’m trying to make clear is that while I was just 19 years old, I was used to alcohol, I was used to the locations where we partied, I had a close group of friends who travelled with me, I had self-imposed strict times when I left the party for home, and I knew exactly what I was drinking and how it would affect me. In short, I was partying and drinking responsibly.

Going out in a tight knit community such as the one we found ourselves in, due to our taste in music, it means you start to recognize the same faces in the venues you go to for concerts, for parties, for festivals, the people you stand in line with at the bar, are the people who organize the next show, who own the record label, who play in the bands. You start to know people and they start to know you. The older people look out for the younger ones, make sure they’re handling their drinks, make sure they know when to leave to catch their trains/buses etc. Girls and women have whatsapp chats dedicated to leaving the venue together, so that nobody has to go home alone. In short, I had a strong sense of familiarity and security with these people. Then that day came.

There was a concert, five bands from the wider region were coming to our city and playing a concert. The subgenres they played were pretty broad, and some of them were big enough to attract their own fans to the venue, people from further away and people who otherwise weren’t involved with the local scene. Needless to say it was incredibly full that night. The last band that played was one of our friends, so we had made plans with one of them, to spend the night in his flat, he had a big sofa and two camp beds, and his flatmate was out of town, so one of us could also spend the night in their room. At that point we knew him for months, and trusted him completely. And it wasn’t like we were only young girls in the group, we were mainly guys, and then me and two other girls. It was a 100% non-sexual sleeping arrangement, and everyone was aware of that. Before the show, we went to his flat to drop off our things for the night, and to help him transport his equipment over to the venue. Then the problems started.

You see, music scenes can be complicated, especially the underground scenes, and some subgenres and their fans don’t go well with each other. That night there was a mixture of a lot of different genres, which each had a mixture of people in the crowd. You had your leather jacket bruisers to whom music ended in the mid-80s, paired with super niche neo avantgarde experimental metal, just to name an example, and there were some tensions in the crowd. People were rowdier than usual, and some got ridiculously wasted. There had been some instances where security actually had something to do, prying drunkards from each other, before they could throw blows at the other’s face. I was still more or less new to the scene, having existed in the microcosmos of my home city for years, and never really gone out anywhere else. I wasn’t used to this in the way that I am now. I was uncomfortable, and I stopped drinking after my first drink. I quickly became aware of how sober I was, as everyone around me got increasingly wasted. One band from Dortmund got kicked out of backstage (sounds more prestige than it is – it’s just a backroom with a sofa) for “doing coke on my sofa”, as the owner put it. They riled up their posse and started having fights with the people who organized the show, culminating in the schedule being changed, so that they would play earlier than planned, just so they would leave as soon as possible. They didn’t like that at all, and you could hear the shouting from backstage inbetween songs.

In the end, I decided to leave early. I wrote in the whatsapp chat if any of the other girls wanted to head to the train station together, but nobody answered. I waited for an hour, but nobody wanted to leave. Then 1am came, and with that my last chance to take the train. I asked once more, but still nobody wanted to leave. Walking alone in that part of the city, where all of the concert halls and clubs were, on a weekend, was a really bad idea. People got mugged and worse, one of my friends was mugged that summer, so it was just a security measure not to travel alone. I stayed. I went to the bar and ordered my second drink of the evening. Hours had passed since the first drink, and there was no way this one could have made me as drunk as I became.

I remember waiting at the bar for a long time. But that was okay, it was full that evening and I had all the time in the world (the second-to-last band were just finishing up their show, the band of my friend hadn’t even set up their equipment yet, I’d be stuck at the venue for at least another hour). One of the friends of the band from Dortmund was there. He noticed a patch on my jacket, we talked about Blackthrash, he offered to buy me my drink. I tried to decline, telling him truthfully, that I was more interested in girls, but he insisted, saying he didn’t want to buy me a drink because he wanted to get laid, but just because he liked me. It was a nice gesture, I didn’t really believe him, but accepted the drink out of politeness. I saw my acquaintance at the bar pour me the same drink I had had so many times before, there was no way she was responsible for this. She gave the drinks to him, he paid for them, offered me my drink and toasted with me. Then he asked if I wanted to go to the outside part of the venue for a smoke. I said sure. I felt bad that he had just bought me a drink. The whole time I was so fixed on him, I was so sure he had bad intentions, he came with the rowdy band, he was one the ones that had been involved with the small fights earlier, he had the look of a typical bruiser, long ratty hair, 80’s mustache, crusty jeans vest, bruised knuckles, and he seemed to be a lot older than me, that I started being hyperaware of what he did, if he was trying to slip something in my drink or lead me to a lonely corner, that I let my guard down for anything else. He wasn’t the problem. My friend, at whose place I was staying the night was.

My friend saw me talk to the guy from Dortmund, he came over instantly and started talking about how he was about to play, that the crowd was getting so much bigger than before, how awful the previous band had been and that’s why he stayed sober during shows, because he just loves music so much. It was a horrible mess of ego running wild, geared at pushing the other guy’s buttons. He was amiable enough to ignore the jabs and just talk on. Sometime during the conversation I handed my drink to my friend, just to tie my shoe. During that moment, the guy from Dortmund had turned his back to us, to light a cigarette against the wind, and I was tying my shoe. It must have happened then. When I got my drink back from my friend, it didn’t take long. I was ridiculously wasted within a short amount of time. The guy from Dortmund was friendly enough and took care of me, giving me water to drink and keeping an eye on me, but eventually he had to leave with the band from Dortmund (who had been kicked out for punching the owner of the venue), to head home, so he found the only person he knew to look after me, my friend.

My friend was about to play, and he took me backstage, propped me up on the sofa and started groping me, that’s as much as I remember, then my memories fail. But the memory was all hazy, it was difficult to tell if I had just dreamed it, or if it had actually happened. The next time I woke up was after the gig, hours later. The other bandmates had already loaded their equipment into my friend’s car and left with a cab for home, the owner of the place was already announcing his place would close shortly (venues in Germany have to close at 5am). I woke up with a spinning head. My shirt was ripped at the neckline and I had love bites all on my neck and sternum. I felt horrible and didn’t remember the evening as clearly as I do now. I still thought the guy from Dortmund was responsible for this. Especially since my friend was being so caring and friendly with me, and telling me how he had seen that the guy from Dortmund had apparently taken advantage of me in my supposedly drunk state. He told me my friends had gone home when they read my message in the whatsapp chat, leaving me alone with him. I believed him without further thought. He was sober, he was the friend I trusted, the guy from Dortmund was a stranger who had showcased his violent tendencies in the fights before. I went with my friend, never second guessing.

Still drowsy from what I had thought was drink, I fell asleep during the car ride to his place, and I had difficulty walking straight, when we went up to his flat. Instead of leading me to the living room, where the sofas and field beds stood, he led me to his room, claiming to “take care of me”. Then he closed his room door and said “There now, we’re home. No need to be coy”. I didn’t understand what he meant, and tried to ask him about it, but all of my words were slurred and I was ashamed of seeming drunk. He just told me to go to sleep in his bed, that it was fine, that he’d take care of me. Then he joined me on his bed, running his fingers over my face. I told him “no”, but he didn’t stop. I told him “I don’t want this. Stop”, but he pulled my head into a kiss. I tried to shove him off the bed and then he hit me, wrestled himself on top of me and ripped up my shirt completely. I started crying and asked him to please stop, please don’t, please leave me alone. But everything I said made him angrier. He pushed me down, whenever I squirmed he choked me. So I stopped moving. He tugged and ripped my clothes from my body and stuffed my underwear in my mouth. Then he turned me around and tied my hands and neck to his bed. I tried to fight him off, but I couldn’t. I was hazy and exhausted and my body froze up in fear. I had never been beaten before. If I moved, I choked, if I tried to scream, I choked, if I cried too loud for his liking, I choked. And so I just… lay there. And endured it. All the time he grunted about how I had to stop being so coy, how he knew I wanted this, how I had baited him with the guy from Dortmund, how I was his wh*re, how long he had wanted to do this, how he deserved this and so on and so forth.

When it was over he lay down next to me and smiled at me, telling me how good I was in bed, and if I needed aftercare. He pretended that this had just been some bdsm roleplay, but it wasn’t. He let me lie there, tied to to his bedpost, gagged, bruised and naked, unable to move, to talk or to scream, while he berated me on how consensual what he did had just been. But it wasn’t. I knew it wasn’t. He said things like “Oh, you should have told me you’re new to bdsm, this was just roleplay”. But I knew that wasn’t true. And when he finally untied me, I ran and never looked back.

I know I should have gone to the police, but I was 19 and stupid and thought nobody would believe me. I live in a conservative town, and just the month before there had been a big court case, in which there had been video evidence of a woman being raped, and her abusers had framed it as a consensual bdsm scene, and had walked away from court without a sentence. I was sure my situation would turn out the same. And all of his rambling about had gotten to me. I started doubting myself. I started believing that it had actually just been a normal scene for him. And I was so ashamed of myself. I had broken all of the rules I had been taught. Never travel on your own, never leave your drink unattended, fight your assaulter with all the power you can muster. I stopped showing up at the local scene, until I eventually moved away, for fear of meeting him. When I moved town, I finally mustered the courage to go out again. And I want to explicitly say that what happened to me has nothing to do with the music scene involved. I have met so many nice and good-hearted people running shows and metal bars, I don’t want to scare you away from this type of music scene. I just need to tell my story.

It’s been years, but sometimes I wake up in the night, still drowsy from sleep, and for a heartbeat my mind brings me back to that place. I can’t have sex the way I used to, I’m always always reminded of that night. But I never told my partners. I never told my friends. I didn’t even tell my family. That one night is eating away at me, every day of my life. And I needed to get this story off my chest. If there is one thing I can tell you is please, do all of those things you thought was not necessary or overdoing it. Know your alcohol tolerance. Be aware of how many drinks you can drink to reach what stage of drunkenness. As soon as there’s a deviation – tell your trusted(!) friends. Even if you’re sure nobody spiked your drink, it may have just been someone you hadn’t had your attention on. Never travel alone at night, and if you’re in a travelling group, stick to that group, even if you’re told “Oh, they went home early”. Call them. Just to be sure. If my friends would have been in his flat, it wouldn’t have happened. If you don’t know someone well enough and have to spend the night at their place, don’t do it alone. Especially at a distant friend’s place. Meeting someone at parties and being alone with them is vastly different. No matter how safe you feel in the venue you’re going out, even if everybody knows each other and there are whatsapp groups dedicated to women for going home together, don’t get lulled into a false sense of security. Know the people you trust and stick to them. If you’ve wrote to them that you’re going home, but you return to the venue instead, let them know. And lastly, the one I’m the most upset about, that I didn’t do. If you wake up in a venue like mine, there’s going to be staff at the bar, organizers from the concert, security staff at the door, people who sale the tickets, people who clean the toilets, just any staff member. If your memory is hazy, don’t let the people you wake up to tell you what happened. Find someone from the staff, tell them you were drugged and assaulted and that you need to LEAVE. Most staff of nightclubs and concert halls will bring to to a safe staff-only room, call you a cab, and make sure you can leave without your assaulter noticing. If you have no place to go like I did, because the train doesn’t arrive til morning, go to the police. Even if you’ve had bad experiences with them before, go to the police and tell them what happened and that you have no place to go. If you think you’ve been drugged, you can opt to make a test there. Even if you haven’t been drugged, just made drunk, you can find shelter for the night there, or they will sometimes even bring you home, especially if you’re underage. Even if you get in trouble for breaking curfew, or underage drinking, it doesn’t matter. Those are things that will trouble you for about a month. What happened to me will eat away at my soul for the rest of my life. Whatever you do, find help as soon as you notice something is wrong. Don’t wait, don’t let people tell you what you need. Tell the staff, tell the police. Get out of there.

[bytheangell]

The Comfort of Home

(Read on AO3) Prompt from Anonymous:   could you maybe write something where Alec has a bad day/week/whatever and it ends in h/c and Malec cuddles? (I may be projecting my self-indulgent fantasies into this prompt a /little/ lmao). ((Additional A/N:  thank you for this prompt because I sure am having THE WORST TWO WEEKS with work right now, so I’m also going to project so hard onto this))

   It’s starting to feel as if this week is going to last an eternity. As much as he wishes his life could stretch on forever alongside Magnus’, he isn’t sure that’s an existence he can handle if it comes side-by-side with perpetual Head of the Institute hell. He knows he’s being dramatic and that it’s just a bad week, but that doesn’t stop the only half-joking, morbid reassurance that at least this can’t go on forever from crossing his mind repeatedly.

His problem is that no matter how much he does - no matter how many hours he spends out on the field cleaning up messes, or in his office submitting reports and follow-up paperwork, or getting called to security to help review footage that Underhill can’t quite make out on screen -  it never seems to end. He’s got two of his best Shadowhunters out with injuries, and new recruits fresh out of the academy who need constant supervision. He can’t put a dent in the list of things he needs to do, tasks adding on twice as fast as he completes them, a veritable hydra head of issues plaguing his last 5 or 6 days - honestly, he’s lost count. He can’t remember the last time he saw Magnus for more than a handful of half-asleep seconds waking him up getting in and out of bed, and those were the few nights he managed to drag himself home to sleep at the Loft and grab a change of clothes. The rest of the nights he crashed at the Institute in his old room.

“I miss you,” Magnus complains over the phone that Alec has pressed between his ear and his shoulder, listening as he picks the bow and arrows he’s taking with him out onto his latest mission.

“I miss you too. Trust me, I’d much rather be there with you than about to go get myself covered in ichor again. I just took a shower two hours ago after this morning. I really didn’t think I’d be going back out today.” Alec runs his hands over the curve of a bow slotted for multiple arrows, but decides it’s a bit excessive for the quick run he’s going on, and moves to the next option.

“Well, hopefully when you’re done you can come home and we can make shower number 2 a little more enjoyable,” Magnus preens into the phone, and Alec smiles to himself.

“Careful, you don’t want me too distracted out there,” Alec warns, but it’s too late. His mind is already on the number of things he’d rather be doing right now, and a nice long shower with his boyfriend is certainly an enticing option.

“You’re right,” Magnus replies, and Alec hears his tone turn a bit too serious compared to their previous banter. “You’re wearing yourself thin this week, Alec. Are you sure you’re up for this? Can’t Jace or Isabelle go?”

“They offered, but Izzy had a date she seemed really excited for and I didn’t want her to cancel. You know how long it’s been since she’s done anything for herself like that. And Jace is just as worn out as I am.”

“Sometimes being in charge isn’t just taking on all of the responsibility yourself, but knowing when to step back.”

“I’m okay. It’s just one more, then I’m done. I have all of tomorrow off.  Plus, I’m not even taking the lead, I’m more of a fall-back. It’ll be fine.” Alec feels the strain of the muscles in his shoulders as he reaches up to take the bow off of its hook, however, and winces. He’s glad Magnus can’t see him as he speaks.

“If you say so. Just take care of yourself out there.”

“I will. I’ll talk to you later. Love you,” Alec says. It’s a habit he’s gotten into lately before going on missions, ever since--

“Love you too.”

Alec grabs his bow and arrows, and leaves the weapons room to meet the rest of the team before heading out.

--

Alec doesn’t know what he expects to end his week of ‘if it can go wrong, it will’, but taking a claw coated in demon toxin down his thigh seems to be on par with the rest of his life right now. He’s meant to hang back until the demon knocks out one of the younger Shadowhunters, and Alec wastes no time putting himself between it and the unconscious girl. His arrow takes the demon out moments after it gets its claws on him - literally - but that moment is all it took. As the demon falls and the rest of the small team breathes a sigh of relief, Alec falls to the ground with a cry of anguish as the searing pain kicks in.

They have him back at the Institute for healing immediately, but clearing the traces of poison that already started to circulate through his bloodstream takes longer than anticipated. In the end he pulls rank and discharges himself from active care, despite the healer they called in (not Magnus, after Alec’s insistence, not wanting him to worry until Alec was in the clear) highly suggesting he spend the night there under observation.

  He insists he's good enough to leave with the promise that he'll do nothing but rest for 24 hours. By the time he’s cleared - well, “cleared” - to go, it’s late. Realistically, Alec knows he should just crash at the Institute for the night but he doesn’t want to. After the day he just made it through...   hell , after the week he made it through, he wants nothing more than to spend the night clinging to his boyfriend like the life preserver Magnus is to him right now. Or vise-versa, because while he really wants to wrap himself around Magnus and never let go, he wouldn’t mind if things turned out the other way around, either. He calls Magnus but it goes to voicemail, and he imagines that by this hour Magnus is passed out in bed himself.

Alec debates calling a cab. It isn’t like this is the first time he’d make the trip from the Institute to Magnus’ Loft by mundane transportation - when Magnus didn’t have his magic he actually got rather efficient in navigating cabs when necessary. But the idea of spending however long the traffic would make the ride last jostling around the back seat with his injury isn’t appealing, and after a moment’s pause he re-dials Magnus’ number. Magnus picks up on the second ring this time. “Alexander?” His name reaches him from mumbled, half-asleep lips. “What time is--” There’s a pause, and then in a tone suddenly on the edge of panic. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Alec immediately regrets calling. He just wants to be home, with Magnus, and it’s selfish that he woke him just to make him worry. “Nevermind, go back to sleep.”

“Don’t you dare hang up on me,” Magnus warns. “You aren’t calling at 1am because nothing’s wrong.”

“Shit, is it really 1am? I knew it was late, but I didn’t realize…” Alec frowns. “Sorry I woke you up. I just… I really didn’t want to spend another night here. But I don’t think I’ll survive a cab ride back.”

Before he can explain further there’s the familiar sound of Magnus’ portal opening in front of him, waiting. “Thanks,” Alec sighs, hanging up the phone and taking a strained step forward.

While he’s normally a lot better at portal travel his leg is still weak, and when he lands on it after stepping through it nearly gives out underneath him, leaving him stumbling the first few steps forward into their bedroom. Thankfully, Magnus is there to steady him a moment later, reaching out to grab each of his shoulders, eyes taking in the grimace on Alec’s face with an immediate frown.

“What’s wrong? Alec, are you hurt?” Magnus is full of justifiable concern and Alec is too tired to try and lie.

“A little, but it’s no big deal. Just a scratch.”

“Let me see.” Magnus demands.

Alec slowly, carefully pulls down his sweatpants and leaves them on the floor by his feet to expose his entirely bandaged leg. With very deliberate motions - and trying not to make too many obvious signs of discomfort to alarm his boyfriend - Alec unwraps the wound to show the 4 deep gashes made by the demon’s talons.  “It’s fine. They got the poison out at the Institute, it’s just going to take a little longer to heal.”

“Alexander--” Magnus reaches out, brushing a finger tenderly along the wound, small tendrils of blue magic seeping into his leg.

“It’s fine,” Alec repeats insistently. “It’ll heal with my iratze, it’s just taking longer because of the toxins. Don’t waste your magic on me.” Alec knows that since he got it back, Magnus is much less frivolous with his magic use than he once was. And while he’s never said no to using it on, or for, Alec, that isn’t a privilege that Alec takes lightly, nor one he wants to abuse.

“My magic is never ‘wasted’ on you, Alexander,” Magnus reassures him, but stops after a once-over that takes away any lingering ache, stopping short of attempting to heal the entire wound. He knows that Alec will only get angry with him if he does anything more, but he cannot stand there and do nothing , and they both know it.

“Better?”

“Much.” Alec eases onto bed next to him, bending over to pick the sweatpants back up and slide them on before laying back on the bed. “Sorry I didn’t call. It was all a bit of a rush after they got me back to the infirmary.”

“I’m just glad you’re alright.” There’s relief in Magnus’ tone but Alec doesn’t miss the worry behind his expression.

Magnus pulls the sheets back enough for Alec to slide under. When Alec’s forced to sleep facing away from Magnus so he isn’t laying on his hurt leg Magnus shifts so that he’s turned to face Alec, wrapping an arm around Alec’s middle and pulling him close. Alec eases into the hold, melting into Magnus. “It’s been a long week.” Alec sighs. “I’m just glad to be home.”

And it’s true. This is his home. Here, with Magnus. Not the Institute where he spent most of his life, or any place in Idris his father might be staying. But here, wrapped up in the arms of the man he loves. Magnus runs a hand up and down Alec’s arm, not stopping until he feels the muscles underneath his touch relax after a minute or two. Alec closes his eyes and tries to rest but despite the exhaustion he feels he’s still too keyed up from the mission for his mind to quiet enough to sleep. After half an hour of shifting and fidgeting he tries to slide out of bed silently so as to not wake Magnus a second time.

“Where are you going?” Magnus asks immediately, and Alec realizes he hasn’t fallen back asleep yet, either.

“I can’t sleep. I was just going to make some tea.”

“And you were going to leave me here, cold and alone? I see how it is.”

Alec rolls his eyes in the dark even though Magnus can’t see it. “I’ll get the kettle going for two.”

The water is almost ready when he hears Magnus step into the kitchen. “Here, let me. You really should be taking it easy, Alec.”

“I think I can manage tea ,” Alec says defensively, but he steps aside just the same. Magnus brushes a soft kiss against his forehead before shoo-ing him out of the way, and Alec waits on the sofa for Magnus to finish the tea and bring it over - which he does, on a tray complete with scones. The warmth of the cup against his hands is immediately comforting, but it’s too hot to drink still so he sets it down again.

“I can't believe how much went wrong in one week.” Alec admits.”I did as much as I could but half of  it wasn't even in my control, and all I could do was pick up the pieces. I feel like I spent an entire week cleaning up problems I couldn't stop from happening in time.” There's a weight to his words now that he's more removed from the constant go go go of springing into action and taking everything on himself.

Magnus sets his own tea on the table, shuffling over on the sofa to pull Alec back onto his lap. “You can only do so much, Alec. They’d be lost without you there. Don't be too hard on yourself.”

They both know that's easier said than done.

“How about you stop thinking about it for now,” Magnus suggests.”That can be a problem for Monday Alec to worry about. Tonight, you’re here, and you are not stepping foot near that Institute tomorrow unless you’re the last Shadowhunter capable of walking through those doors.” Alec laughs, but he knows Magnus isn’t really joking. “For now, just relax, and let me take care of you.”

Magnus shifts himself back just far enough to bring his hands up to rub Alec's shoulders, moving down his back, the movements of the massage practiced and skilled.

“Don't forget your tea, it's probably cool enough to drink now,” Magnus reminds Alec a few minutes later, but Alec gives no response. “Alexander?” Craning his head around Magnus sees Alec’s eyes are closed. Rather than wake him, Magnus conjures a blanket and pillows, tea and scones forgotten, and closes his eyes --but not before using a little more healing magic on Alec’s leg to ensure a peaceful night’s rest, free of pain. And if the wound just happens to mostly heal itself overnight, well, he won’t know anything about that.  

[ilcaeryx]

Tenacity: Chapter 3 - Penultimate [Aizawa Shouta/Reader]

SUMMARY: He promised you would always take precedence and be his number one priority… but Aizawa Shouta can't count.

TAGS: Reader-Insert Collection, Hurt, Angst, Rumination, Relationship, Relationship Troubles, Argument, Loneliness, Honemood Period Is Over, Shower Talk

Link to Chapter 3 of Tenacity on AO3

or continue reading below.

Chapter 3: Penultimate

One last effort to remain at home.

In a strange feat of nature, this was a paradoxical action; for you to outlast your repulsion and remain seated in the chilly armchair, you had to excert force to glue your feet to the floor and your spine to the back of the chair. Your soles were uncomfortably numb, the polished tiles withdrawing whatever heat was left and leaving behind a constant ache, like white noise physically prickling you. When you got out of this armchair to greet your husband, everything would hurt.

To you, this was not an unexpected development. Inside your head, there was this perfectly aligned sequence of memories. Re-watching them, again, through a damp filter, they felt like prisoners raised in a row against a dull wall. For a few seconds you couldn't believe this had actually been your life until you, the executor, decided to dive in again. Bitterly, very bitterly you tasted the air and started from the beginning, once more.

Once in this marriage, before year five or six of seven, you had been content. Prior to this point pinpointing behaviours that would've hinted this were either non-existent or simply subtle enough to evade you. Shouta hadn't always been like this… You were sure. But when you eased yourself into chronologically reviewing what went wrong the familiar tinge of nostalgia blurred the edged between what had always been, what currently was and all forevermore.

It was hard to tell the difference, you consoled yourself and scratched at your nailbeds. The consolation did little to ease this clouded view of the future, which worried you the most. These last few weeks you had been clinging to Shouta and that had felt like more of a commitment than the entire marriage.

For around four months, you had been aware of these feelings.

Within a span of twenty minutes, you were exhausted. You couldnt keep your eyelids from shutting down, the memories lulled you into an unrestful sleep.

With the steel glare of a villain accompanying him down the street, Shouta left the policemen to deal with the aftermath. The villain was apprehended and his Quirk properly neutralized - no use in waiting around. Downtown alleyways and streets had been a hotbed for villains lately, according to police reports and general consensus in the hero community.

Indeed, when zoning into the police radio channels there was currently an additional apprehension of a villain a few blocks away. He braced for impact and landed on a rooftop, hair flying across his visor. The scene wasn't far away; he could hear the sirens whirling past below. Other than the lightspots under the city lights and the neon lights of industry buildings, the night was still. Quite possibly a bit after midnight.

Considering he had never heard that particular villains name before, he concluded that it was a lone newbie. If he had been a troublesome fellow, several police cars and heroes would've been alerted. Because hero companies were in direct competition with each other regarding villain captures and information, there was no proper way to figure out whether more heroes were in the vicinity. The police could perhaps be in need of assistance. His instincts were quietly teasing his attention towards the potential firefight.

Shouta removed his visor and rubbed his eyes with his fingertips, the ache dissipating for the moment.

"There's nothing more for me to do," Shouta said to himself. Though it went against his instincts, he headed towards his home. It wasn't a matter of work hours. The exhaustion he could power-nap away during the day… his pupils (most of them, at least) didn't mind working on their own for ten minutes. No, things in his household had been unusual. His wife was acting peculiar; her independent, cheerful self had lately been checking up on him a lot. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it was pretty eyebrow-raising to see her dipping in at the UA faculty a few days a week.

Obviously, there was no other option but to ask.

At 1AM he called it an early night and entered his home, where he found you slumped in your armchair.

You woke up to calm, swaying motions in your husband's embrace, strong arms supporting you under your back and knees. Temple to his chest, you couldn't feel his heartbeat - of course, Shouta must've just arrived home and was still wearing his hero outfit. It was terse yet cushiony, rustling around you as he pulled into your bedroom.

"I told you not to wait up for me," he said, turning on the light with a flick of his finger.

You groaned in protest when the light stabbed your eyes, covering your face with a hand.

This felt familiar; his soft chiding while carrying you to bed was something he had done early on in your relationship, when you still were uncertain and worried about his night patrols. Like all good things in life, it ends not a second longer than it needs to exist. He layed you down on your side of the bed.

"Hold on," you held onto his right hand, grasping his middle and index fingers in your palm, "we should probably talk."

As much as you wanted to vomit out the words you had been rehearsing this evening, Shouta looked pretty smashed. With his yellow visor above his blood-shot eyes, he exuded more sleepiness than usual. He didn't need to stay up, you admitted with a modicum of guilt.

"Funny you would mention that, Y/N, I was thinking the same."

Now alert, you sat up straight in bed. That was unexpected - and rather terrifying. Shouta kneeled down on the floor, resting his arms on the bed.

"Isn't it late for you?" you asked, suppressing the thoughts you had entertained this evening with desperation. Now that you didn't have your sleepy bravery, you thought it would be good to take this in the morning so that you could gather your thoughts.

"It's 1AM."

"That's pretty early."

He hummed in agreement. "I was thinking of waking up earlier to talk, but since you're already awake…"

"We may as well get it over with," you finished, shuffling further into the bed and retracting your legs beneath the duvet.

Shouta patted your knee, "I'll go have something to eat, take a shower and then we can talk. Don't fall asleep without me."

Thankfully (or not) staying awake required little concentration. You couldn't bear to lay still in bed while waiting, so you resorted to pacing. You also couldn't find the perfect timeline you earlier managed to conjure, scrawling every cerebral fold for proof of his wrongdoing. It was like the last few minutes before an exam, when you're trying to cram one last fact before you're thrown into the fire. Thus you focused on Shouta. Like a sixth sense, you followed the path he took outside from the inside your head, as if spectating him from an astral body.

Once the shower was running all this felt like a terrible mistake. Could you take all of it back? Your marriage would be impacted. Was it worth uprooting it for whatever reason you felt slighted?

If it wasn't, why were you thinking of leaving?

You crept out of the bathroom and lingered outside, your heart bumping in your ears.

If you were so sure before, why wouldn't you continue now? After all, there was only one way - forward.

You entered, using a finger to muffle the door shutting. The warm air prompted a wave of shivers over your body. It felt pleasant to be completely naked, letting your bathrobe and nightgown slide down onto the floor. Your husband's attire was thrown haphazardly over the laundry basked, Shouta clearly out of fucks given, you noticed nervously.

I hope he doesn't mind some company, you thought and slipped into the shower to join your husband.

With his back to you and in the middle of rinsing his hair you thought Shouta wouldn't have sensed your presence but you barely managed to withdraw the shower curtain before he slightly inclined his head towards you. It felt less predatory to creep up to him with his knowledge.

You were hesitant about drawing closer.

On his ribcage was an unsightly blemish the size of your palm that you couldn't recall seeing before. Thinking of it, you hadn't seen your husband at least top-less in a while… He always returned so late, you usually caught him for a few minutes before he was off for class. Your fingers drew light circles on top of it.

"Did you get this today, Shouta?"

Shouta completed rinsing his hair before answering.

"A few days ago. It's getting pretty dangerous out there during nighttime. Villains are being unusually brave but it won't protect them from getting caught."

"I see."

There was no use in inquiring whether he was being careful or not; you knew that he was and Shouta had an excellent judgement for such things, even for a pro hero.

"You must be pretty damn impatient to join me," he said and took a small step back, silently offering you some space under the showerhead. You obliged.

"I thought it'd be wise to kill two birds with one stone."

Nevermind that this makeshift plan of confronting him failed on the first step when you fell asleep, you had to get it out now. This couldn't wait another day. Not one more. You were ready.

"Practical. Now, about that tal-"

"Could you please turn the showerhead towards me?" you asked and added in a smaller voice, "I'm cold."

He obliged. Your hands, trapped between your chest and his chest, spread out to catch the torrent like a tropical flower in a rainstorm. Water drops soon got caught in your eye-lashes and hair. While examining the motion of the drops railing down your palm lines, you opened your mouth.

"Okay, listen up, Shouta."

"I'm listening."

"There's this thing that has been going on for a few months now… You leave home at six in the morning to prepare class for your students and return at two or three in the morning. Other than on weekdays, we barely see each other. I'm stuck here without you and that isn't what you promised me."

He put his hands on either side of your head, but you didn't cease playing with the water in your hands. He also didn't speak directly, his breathing rather heavy.

"You'll be returning to work soon, Y/N. Your illness isn't chronic-"

You immediately snapped up, facing him. "You're right about that: it's not chronic. However, I still won't see you before and after work.

"You knew what you were getting into when we got together."

"It wasn't like it was now at all! Back then, you had Nemuri and Hizashi and tons of other people helping you out-"

"The night patrols have never been a group activity."

"Then why are you doing the job of three people by yourself? If you didn't have to, you would be home earlier."

"We've been married for six years, for fuck's sake! Why is this a problem now?"

His voice was rough like sandpaper and you jumped by the slight change of tone. It was okay, he would never hurt you… yet you still pressed yourself away from him as far as you could. There was a considerable difference in size between you two and even with his lither build a man was a man.

For a second hurt split across his face, evolving into a scowl. With the light behind him obscured by the shower curtain, there were sharp shadows in his eyes and forehead.

"Why now?" he asked.

"I don't know. All I know is I've had enough." By the end of that sentence, your throat was clamming up. "Actually, I do know why."

Hesitation in the air. Did you really want to say it?

"Tell me," he breathed quietly, leaning in towards you.

"Because I've never been your priority, not from day one," you struggled to string together words, because whenever you made a slight pause in your speech a pitiful yowl escaped you. "Your students, your jobs, justice. That's your priority list. Even cats are further up than me. Now that I think about it, I'm not in last place; I'm your penultimate priority, because you care less about your reputation."

The downpour between the two of you was the only sound for a short while as you melted into your confession and Shouta tasted your words.

"I have a hard time understanding how you could explain my paying for your hospital bills and over-working so that you could rest at home as me not prioritizing you."

You raised an eyebrow. Wasn't he listening?

"I told you that this had been going on for longer than that. Your night patrols didn't start once my illness got worse - don't kid yourself in believing you did that for me. This has been a problem ever since UA first got attacked."

Shouta's fists curled together, his biceps contracting.

"Y/N, that was last year. You also didn't answer my question: why now? Why didn't you bring this up earlier?"

"Everytime you returned you seemed exhausted and I'm already a burden on you. You have more than enough to deal with."

There was such an intense change in emotions your next sentence disappeared from your thoughts; Shouta looked at you with such an unfamiliar expression, you struggled to identify it. It didn't make you feel anything other than the constant anger you had been harbouring on and off this evening.

"If I hadn't told you tonight, I think I would've spontaneously combusted," you said.

You didn't dare telling him about the stray thoughts of leaving your shared home that you had earlier. This argument had gone far enough and you felt (you were) trapped.

"I don't want you to close yourself off from me," Shouta said seriously, shutting off the water. "Whatever I did to give you the impression that I wouldn't muster the strength to listen to your troubles, I'm sorry. I've never come home without you waiting for me here - I don't know how I would deal with an emptiness like that and I'm unhappy that you had to find out yourself."

How did you answer that? You couldn't. Did it make you feel whole again? Not really. A certain part of you did flourish at his words, though.

Shouta reached from behind the shower curtain and pulled out a towel. He hoovered with it until you bowed down your head in an accepting gesture. He dried your frontal locks with the towel.

"I do mean this, Y/N. I'm not leaving you to suffer alone. If you feel like you're strong enough to work again, I'll cut down my patrolling hours."

"You're okay with that?" you asked while peering from below the towel folds. "I'm tired of being home all the time, so I look forward to returning to work… I've never heard you say no to work."

"There are diminishing returns to hero work; an investment of time is only effective if the hero operates at a certain level… I think I do a decent enough job, but it wouldn't hurt to be more alert during daytime. For one, it would certainly help if you told me about it."

The towel slipped down to your shoulders, Shouta draping it over you like a cape.

"I promise I'll tell you everything, Shouta."

His eyes were barely open when he mumbled, "I'm thankful for that. If you want to continue talking…"

"Which I want," you filled in.

"… We'll have to do it tomorrow. I'm about to collapse."

You re-settled into your comfortable pillow and fluffy cover, feeling an additional duvet of unease cover you. All those secrets were uncovered, yet your chest felt just as heavy. Honestly, it was physically hard to breathe.

Well, that one secret regarding you abandoning your home you'd probably take to the grave.

It felt rather anti-climatic, though. All this buildup that popped like a balloon with the sound of a bunny sniffing. Perhaps Shouta didn't fully understand the extent of your feelings... Was that why it went so smoothly?

Thinking back on the exchange, you felt more at ease when together with your husband than without him… even when you were fighting. Being his siamese twin was impossible, though. You didn't dare believe that he'd keep his promise but what choice did you have other than restraining yourself with all your might and wait?

You'd see tomorrow.

If you liked this, consider throwing me a like/reblog/follow! I'll be posting an additional comment post about this. My Masterlist can be found here

[dykexion]

tagged by @minatodilf ty Ash 👌👌

What was your last

Drink: just plain water

Last phone call: my dad (I'm not big on phone calls so only my parents really call me normally)

Last text: telling @vulturousculturalist to go to sleep because it was 1am and I'm the responsible friend uwu. if discord messages don't count then I was texting one of my friends calling Zero from megaman a himbo at like 5am

Last song you listened to: Kansas by Gorillaz

Last time you cried: a few days ago I think

Have you ever dated someone: nope! being a small town dyke that goes to a catholic school unfortunately doesn't give me many dating prospects 😅

Been cheated on: nah

Kissed someone and regretted it: I don't think so actually, I once kissed a friend and it was,,,,a lil weird and we're not actually friends anymore (unrelated) and I don't like her but,,,,it was just something that happened I guess

Lost someone special: not really

Been drunk and thrown up: never been drunk! I never drink enough to make me more than just a lil tipsy

List three fave colors: black green and purple

In the last year have you…

Made a new friend: yeah!

Fallen out of love: nope

Laughed until you cried: many times, I laugh at things really easily

Met someone that changed you: I have no sense of self so maybe lmao

Found out who your true friends are: haha yeah. it was fun having an "intervention" staged about me being "unnecessarily rude to everyone and unable to make friends" when I reported a kid for harassing my other friend and making sexist and racist comments. needless to say the person who did that's not my fuckin friend anymore

Found out someone was talking about you: hahaha.

Kissed someone on your FB friends list: don't have facebook

General

How many people on your FB friends list do you know irl: don't have facebook

Do you have any pets: unfortunately no though I adore all kinds of animals. I do lay somewhat of a claim to my friend's cat because she actually apparently likes me better than the people who live with her lmao (take that Lorna!)

Do you want to change your name: hmmm i don't think so tbh, I was thinking of going by a shortening of my middle name (Louise -> Lou) occasionally but idk lmao

What did you do for your last birthday: I don't think I've actually done anything for my birthday since I was like 10. I was gonna meet up with a few friends last year but coincidentally there was a school trip the same day and we got stuck in traffic on the way back so I couldn't do that :/

What time did you wake up today: about 4am. I went to sleep just after midnight and woke up four hours later unable to go back to sleep. I'm out of school for the summer but I've still been instinctively waking up at around the time I'd get up for school anyway but today just took the biscuit and woke me two hours before that

What were you doing at midnight last night: watching the snapcube Sonic 06 fandub

Name something you CANNOT wait for: uhhhhhhhh idk tbh. something will probably come to me immediately after I post this though

Last time you saw your mother: saw her like an hour ago

What is one thing you wish you could change about life: not to be stereotypical but money probably. my family's kinda in deep shit atm because we're paying out our arses to keep my grandma in the care home she's at bc we can't take care of her but that costs a serious amount of money so we don't have too much left for other stuff and it's just a tad Worrying

What are you listening to right now: I've got Gorillaz on shuffle on spotify and I can also kinda hear the rain outside

Have you ever talked to a person with the name Tom: unfortunately yes.

What’s getting on your nerves: thinking about my exam results that I'm not gonna get back until the end of August that decide my academic path for at least the next two years

Most visited website: YouTube and Tumblr

Nickname: not too many people call me nicknames anymore but cookie and amy-lou are what people used to call me (still do occasionally)

Relationship status: single

Zodiac sign: libra (+ aquarius moon and rising)

Pronouns: she/her or they/them + I also go by he/him in my head sometimes.....indecisive

Fave tv shows: I don't watch too much TV but uhhh recently I watched good omens and lucifer they were alright

Hair color: brown but I used to be super blonde when I was little. I'm also hopefully dyeing it soon, probably purple

Long or short: I prefer having my hair short and I've gone through cycles of long hair to short hair through my life lmao. the current short hair has stayed for three years so far though so thats A New Record

Height: 5'3

Do you have a crush on someone: idk tbh

What do you like about yourself: uh. despite being a major dumbass I'm actually quite clever and I like that I can help people with that. when I'm not hiding them behind my glasses or fringe I get complimented on my eyes occasionally so that's a nice physical thing. oh and also being gay as hell yeehaw

Tattoos: I don't have any but I'd kinda maybe want a simple one in the future

Righty or Lefty: righty

First surgery: never had one. I've never even fractured a bone somehow

First piercing: not actually got any piercings yet....my mum always said no piercings until I was 18 but I'm working on getting my ears pierced this summer

First best friend: this (only) girl I was friends with in like year 1 and 2. she left school after that and I never saw her again, Elizabeth if you're out there....

First sport you joined: ballet! I've been doing it for over a decade now lmao I'm almost at the point where I could become a qualified teacher if I wanted to (cue identity crisis over what I want out of life)

First pair of trainers: why??

Right now

Eating: toast

Drinking: woter

Listening to: this question has been asked three times now lmao, Gorillaz on Spotify

Want kids: probably not

Career: I want to be a translator or smth like that

Which is better:

Lips or eyes: eyes

Hugs or kissed: hugs

Shorter or taller: don't mind

Romantic or spontaneous: romantic

Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms For Hugging

Sensitive or loud: sensitive probably

Hook up or relationship: relationship definitely

Troublemaker or hesitant: hmmmm idk

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger: nope

Drank hard liquor: nope

Lost glasses/contacts: fuckin constantly

Sex on a first date: nope

Broke someone’s heart: uh maybe? there was this one kid that seemed to have been really into me for a while that I turned down when we were like 14 (sorry Jamie lmao but you were instrumental in me figuring out I didn't like dudes so thanks mate)

Had your own heart broken: nah

Been arrested: never

Turned someone down: yea

Cried when someone died: yea

Fallen for a friend: unfortunately lol potentially multiple times but I'm still a disaster who can't differentiate between strong romantic and platonic feelings wassup

Do you believe in:

Yourself: eh they're alright occasionally

Miracles: nope

Love at first sight: not really

Santa Claus: nope. not sure if my parents ever bothered that much keeping it secret that he wasn't real

Kiss on the first date: sure why not

Angels: nah

i tag: (only if you wanna do it since this is super long) @vulturousculturalist @jothriku @comicsansisasin + anyone who wants to do it. I'm not tagging too many people since this is A Lot and it seems like other people are already doing this stuff atm, have a fun tuesday

[krreader]

winter nights.

pairing: min yoongi x reader fandom: bts warnings: non idol!au ; college!au ; language ; (mentions of sex) genre: fluff ; crack

summary: in which you and seven frat boys go on a trip up to the mountains in winter and it’s simply too cold to sleep alone in your bed, especially when you know your warm boyfriend is only a couple of rooms away.

a/n: hey angel! I hope you like this ♥ 

ask box | masterlist | fandoms | faq | multifandom reader blog

All of your other friends had been so shocked when you told them you were tagging along with seven frat boys to a lonely holiday house in the mountains.

Many of them thought this was like a sex fantasy thing, where you would end up sleeping with them all, even though you had told them countless of times you were in a relationship. Then others asked why your boyfriend would allow you to go on a trip like that and you could only shrug and say: 'He doesn't mind'.

Because he was one of them, of course he didn't mind.

But Yoongi and you haven't made your relationship public yet, out of no particular reason, but you both felt like it just wasn't the right time. Not yet anyways.

So here you were, at around 1AM, shivering in bed under three blankets, while the snow outside was silently falling and falling, without ever stopping for even a second. And it didn’t look like it would any time soon.

Since none of the other boys knew about your relationship with Yoongi either, they had made sure to get a house with eight separate bedrooms. Because despite their image and despite your friends thinking otherwise, they were actually all really nice to you and nothing ever went beyond playful flirting. They were always respectful, because they knew how much they could depend on you. Your friendship mattered to them and they would never risk losing you, by being their usual fuck boy self.

Well, all but Yoongi.

He had gone all in right from the beginning. And maybe that's why he was your boyfriend now and not one of the others.

Speaking of Yoongi, when you realized that you just wouldn't warm up any time soon, you pushed the blankets away, slipped into your slippers and quietly made your way out of your room and over to his, hoping that none of the others decided to go to the bathroom at exactly that moment.

But as luck would have it, you were in and out of the hallway in less than ten seconds, Yoongi's room even darker than your own, since he had pulled down the blinds.

“Yoongi? Are you up?”

Since he didn't answer, that probably meant no. But that didn't stop you from crawling into bed with him, pushing off your slippers again and cuddling your cold self against his warm chest.

“What the..-” he grumbled when he woke up and tried looking down, but the smell alone told him that it was you, “Fuck, (Y/N). I thought you were one of the boys.”

You furrowed your eyebrows and pushed yourself up on his chest, looking at his silhoutte, the only thing you could make out in this darkness, “Should I be concerned that some of the boys crawl into bed with you in the middle of the night from time to time? Is there something you want to tell me?”

“They're frat boys. They think pulling pranks on each other in the middle of the night is fun,” he pulled you back down and wrapped his arms tightly around you, “Why are you here anyways?” from the way he was cuddling with you, he didn't seem to mind, though.

“I was cold.. and I missed you.”

A soft smile spread on his lips, before he pressed a gentle kiss against your forehead. He often liked to portray the bad boy when being with the other guys, but engulfed in the darkness and with only you around, he was so different. He was loving and caring and he always showed you that you meant the most to him.

And you know, sometimes, from time to time, it was in these moments that he was the most vulnerable and said things that he normally wouldn't say so easily.

“I love you,” he whispered against your skin, but still loud enough for you to hear.

And even though you knew he loved you, it was always nice to hear him say it, since he didn’t voice his feelings very often. But it was because of that particular reason that they always meant so much more to you.

“I love you too,” you pressed a kiss against his chest, before closing your eyes again and finally being warm enough and relaxed enough to fall asleep, with your boyfriend holding you in his arms and making you feel like he’d never let you go again.

                                                 the next morning

Namjoon was the first to wake up and he had actually wanted to wake up everyone else to go have breakfast in a nearby ski lodge, but the first room he walked into was already empty. He didn't know who had slept in it, since he hadn't paid attention on who took which room last night, but just assumed it was one of the boys.

When he walked downstairs to check, he realized that no, there was no one else up.

So who was gone and where did that person go to?

“What are you looking for, hyung?” Taehyung yawned and plopped down on the couch.

“We're eight people, right?”

“Did you drink some more when you were in your room?” he laughed.

“Just confirm it for me.”

“Yep. Eight people.”

“And we've specifically said we want a house with eight bedrooms. Correct?”

“Correct.”

“Then why is one empty if no one but us is up?”

Taehyung shrugged, clearly not caring as much as Namjoon did about the issue.

He decided that it would be best to go upstairs again and check all the rooms. He found Hoseok, Jimin, Jeongguk and Jin still sleeping peacefully. But with him pretty much kicking in the door, they all woke up from their beauty sleep with grumbles and insults, as to why Namjoon would be so loud so early in the morning, especially when they’ve all had quite a lot to drink last night.

That only left two people.

“Why would Yoongi be with (Y/N), though?” Jeongguk asked, “Sometimes I think he doesn't even like her.”

“What? Are you blind? It's the complete opposite,” Jimin stated, “Have you not seen how he looks at her when she doesn't look?”

“Guys!” Jin stopped them, “Let's just open the door, okay?”

So unlike he did with the others, Namjoon carefully pressed down the door handle this time and opened it just an inch, so all six of them could look through the tiny gap.

The morning sun was shining through the blinds, so they could at least make out two bodies. With squinting eyes, they tried to see more, but Taehyung was really not in the mood for any of it, when he just walked into the room and turned on the lights.

You both woke up, but didn't jump away from each other. Yoongi shielded his eyes with his hand, his voice hoarse from sleep when he said: “The fuck do you think you're doing?”

“We realized one bed was empty and wanted to see what you guys were doing.”

“Well, you've seen it. Now get out.”

“Did you sleep with her?” Jin almost sounded angry. But not in a jealous way, more in a.. protective brother kind of way.

“Many times, actually, but not last night. And even if I had, why do you guys care?”

“Are you guys a couple?” Jeongguk really was shocked. He had thought you didn't even like each other.

Yoongi looked at you, who just shrugged, then back at the rest, “We are.”

The cat was already out of the bag now, might as well tell them everything.

And they had A LOT of questions that they wanted to be answered ASAP.

That's what you get for keeping your relationship a secret from your best friends for so long. 

But once they got to the sex part, it’s when Yoongi decided to clarify: “Listen to me very carefully: Yes, I’m having sex with her, yes she’s amazing in bed and no you won’t ever get to watch. If I ever see or hear you jerking off to the thought of her, I’ll cut off your dicks. If I get any other sex question related to my girlfriend, I’ll punch you in the face. Are we clear?”

Yeah. Definitely clear.

[raaven-nerd]

the epic mega tag of tags

I’ve been inactive for an eternity so I got tagged in a bunch of things by a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE (THANK YOU ALL FOR TAGGING ME I LOVE YOU ALL <3) 

So i decided to combine all these tags into ONE MEGA TAG!!! I’m sorry if I don’t have every single tag that people have tagged me in, because I was kinda... inactive lol 

I honestly have no idea how many questions are in here, but I’m really excited to answer all these questions. Subtle hint for you guys to ask me questions lmao!! My ask box is always open ;)

//INTRO//

Time: 9:00AM (i’m on summer break, i’m not ditching school rn lol) 

Name: Michelle

Nickname: Mich (pronounced mish,,) and Michy (fun fact: all my friends spell this differently but the correct spelling is michy!! At least that’s how i spell my nickname lmao)

Gender: Female

Nationality: Australian

Star Sign: Cancer

Height: like 157cm LMAO i’m really short

Hogwarts house: Ravenclaw (hence my branding lmao)

Languages Spoken: English, Cantonese (but badly), Japanese (but only because i learn it at school)

Dream job: GOOD QUESTION LMAO umm something medical?? But like if i was remotely talented, doing something creative would be really cool.

How many pets do you have: 1, I have a pet dog named Pepper

What am I wearing: A T-shirt from last year’s school musical that’s way too big for me and black shorts (and by that i don’t mean a T-shirt that was like part of my costume,, i mean like a merch kinda t-shirt?? but not really merch bc i was in the musical) 

Instruments/sports played: I don’t play any instruments ,, well i play ukulele badly lmao, and i play soccer and volleyball for grade sport :)

//ABOUT THE BLOG//

When did you make this account? Like,, 2 years ago?? YIKES

Why did you join studyblr? Honestly i don’t remember why,, probably bc i wanted to get better at studying and get more motivated

How many followers do you have? Surprisingly around 4800

Why I chose my url: because i’m a nerd,, and my hogwarts house is ravenclaw

//BELOW THE CUT//

Things about my personal life :000 (get that juicy goss!! lol not really tho my life is pre uneventful)

Study tips and my study routine I guess? Just about how i study lol  

Music/Book/Film/TV faves and other related thingos (aka how cultured am i?? again not really tho i’m just trying to make this sound interesting lmao) 

And some more just RANDOM things lmao (like some of these things get really random lol) 

//PERSONAL//

What are three basic facts about you? Okay so whenever a teacher asks me to introduce myself at the start of the school year, my default interesting fact is “I have a dog” and every single year the teachers are super amazed that i have a pet dog and it’s absolutely hilarious bc everyone else is like “I’m not sharing any personal information with you guys”, and the teacher ends up interrogating me about my pet dog.

That’s not a basic fact lol um.. My birthday is on the 15th of July, I’m the youngest of 3 siblings and I graduate in 2020 :))

What was the best part of your day today? Ngl this is actually a really hard question for me to answer because I am NOT in a good mental state right now… but probably watching Joe Sugg’s new vlog. That was a good way to spend a study break. OR REPLYING TO THAT ANON MESSAGE OMG everyone sending me messages saying that they’re glad to see me back just wow ;; i can’t believe people even noticed i was gone it’s just ahhughsgs thank you all so much <33 

Relationship status: um… single… yeah let’s just leave it at that

who is the first person you go to in a crisis, when you’ve had a hard day, or when you need to vent? Well… my best friend would be the first person i go to.. Except we’re on holidays right now and they have the worst reply game (bc they’re kinda not allowed to talk to me,,, it’s complicated lmao)

what is your love language? (if you don’t know it, there are plenty of love language quizzes on Google! I definitely encourage you to look it up and find it out for your benefit!) :ooo I did a quiz for this ages ago BUT I GOTTA DO IT AGAIN bc i forgot LOL 

OKAY i did it! I used 5lovelanguages.com so yeah.. Just in case anyone was wondering? But I guess my love language is quality time/words of affirmation and from highest to lowest it’s quality time (9), words of affirmation (8), physical touch (6), acts of service (4) and receiving gifts (3) 

what are the little things in your life that make you happy? Lmao all my friends bc we’re all SHORT AF.. but seriously,, just really small things can make me so happy, just being able to spend time with my friends makes me really happy?? Like we can just sit in (comfortable) silence, but i’ll be so content to just be there with my friends..  Quality time with friends?? thanks love language Does that count idk how to answer this

What is your favourite thing about yourself? Um physical thing?? Probably my hair tbh.. But like my actual fav thing about myself is um the fact that i’m empathetic, generally pre organised and good w/ time management and i can like teach myself stuff?? or maybe how i could be having the worst day of my life and i’ll still want to spread positivity and good vibes?? Yeah that’s pre cool 

what accomplishment in your life are you most proud of? Uhh i got dux of english a few years back? I was in the top 10 of 4 subjects last year so that’s pre cool? But tbh the accomplishment i’m most proud of is probably just going to the school I go rn.. OR surviving last year lol 2018 was a mess 

What’s one piece of advice to yourself a year ago? GIRL things are gonna be tough. Like really hecking tough. But it’s not worth it to hold grudges, there’s no point letting fear of what could happen stop you from doing things you want to do and you will survive and you will be stronger because of it. Don’t let what other people say about you get you down, yes, it sucks to hear people speculating about you and your private life, but they have no idea what’s actually going on, and they’re just curious . No one has anything against you. You are loved, and you are worthy, and you are strong. You got this.

what is a skill you wish you had? To play guitar!! Or to be able to sing!!

Name three places you’d like to go to. Richard Rodgers Theatre to watch Hamilton, Music Box Theatre to watch Dear Evan Hansen and the Warner Bros Studio Tour in London. (but also, Japan, London and New York)

//STUDY & ACADEMICS//

What’s your degree/favourite subject? Uhhh it was drama but i dropped that and the 2019 school year hasn’t started yet so.. Who knows?

What motivates you to study? The fact that I gotta do well and get good marks in order to get into a good uni course… and the fact that i just want to keep getting better,, and i don’t want to disappoint people and i also don’t want to do badly bc yikes its real competitive at my school so like lowkey fear of failure

What time do you do your best studying? Tbh it really depends, it’s either the morning not long after i wake up (esp if it’s holidays or the weekend), right after i get home from school, or like late at night if i get a burst of motivation (like sometimes i’ll end up studying from 10:30 to 1am which isn’t sustainable if i have to get up at 7 for school) 

Best self care tip for exam season? Don’t spend your time around people who get really stressed out. It only makes you more stressed, and you don’t need that extra worry. Positive vibes only. Stay chill!

Do you listen to music when you study? Yeah. I just listen to music with no lyrics and I’ll use @studyquill​’s playlist :DD

Where do you do your best studying? I do pretty much all my studying at home so.. home?? but i have this spot at school that i like to go to in the mornings when no one’s at school yet because it’s super quiet and i can get some quality work done there 

What’s your go to thing when studying? Write notes, do practise questions, draw summary mind maps and try to recite my notes from memory

//MUSIC//

put your music library on shuffle, list the first 15 songs

Oh boi this is going to be interesting

How Would You Feel - Ed Sheeran

Part of Me (Bonus Track) - Dear Evan Hansen

If I Could Fly - One Direction

Better Man - 5 Seconds of Summer

If I Could Tell Her - Dear Evan Hansen

Somebody to Love - Queen

Moving Along - 5 Seconds of Summer

Candy Store - Heathers the Musical

Cabinet Battle #2 - Hamilton

Guns for Hands - Twenty One Pilots

Sunrise - In The Heights

The Judge - Twenty One Pilots

Radio Ga Ga - Queen 

Defying Gravity - Wicked 

Shine a Light - Heathers the Musical 

Song stuck in your head: for some reason Acid Rain by Cimorelli just randomly came into my head when I woke up this morning?? so that i guess lol 

Last song you played: Alaska by Maggie Rogers

What are you listening to right now? well right now it’s Shine a Light lmao

what are your 5 favourite songs right now? THIS IS HARD OMG okay um Photograph by Ed Sheeran, Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix, Fire Away by Niall Horan, Walking in the Wind by One Direction and I discovered Light On by Maggie Rogers today so that too!!

What’s your favourite lyric right now? Darling you don't have to hold it/You don't have to be afraid/You can go 'head and unload it/'Cause you know it'll be okay

Fave artist? GOOD QUESTION.. I don’t have an answer lmao but I like 5SOS, Ariana Grande’s new songs, Ed Sheeran and the soundtracks to quite a few musicals but that doesn’t answer the question lol 

//FILM, BOOKS & TV//

Last movie you saw: I rewatched Crazy Rich Asians :))

Top three TV shows: lol i don’t watch TV but all times favs include Gravity Falls and The Simpsons annnnndd um… yeah I really don’t watch much TV lol

What are your favourite books? All time fav is Harry Potter, but rn my fav is probably 13 Reasons Why (i know it’s also a TV show so i might check it out!!)

Which ones are you currently reading or want to read? Right now, I’m reading Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver. I’m only a few pages in though.

What’s the most recent book you’ve read? Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella

//MISCELLANEOUS// 

Describe your favourite colour without saying the name! Soft colour of love

What’s your favourite season? Probably autumn

Favourite animal? My pet dog lmao (i really like dogs but i love so many animals but we’ll just say dogs)

Last thing you googled: ‘fire away lyrics niall horan’ because i wanted to check i had the right words lol

How many blankets you sleep with: 1

If you could be a celebrity, who would you be? Probs Emma Watson or Ariana Grande

What is the last text you sent? Ummm i’ll check AND i quote “I AM,,, somewhat certain that’s correct bc like.. I don’t have any confidence in myself”  I was talking to my friend about an assignment lol

Average hours spent sleeping? 7-8 ish??? But during the school term, it could be more like 6-7 but still ain’t that bad???

WOW THAT WAS LONG if u actually stayed throughout all of this and read it all,, (which no one probably did) umm dm me your fav lyrics of the moment? yeah do that lol i wanna meet some new people 

[majoyjoy]

My Not So Interesting Love Affairs. Wait, What?

😑23 years. 

Wow that’s old. 23 years and I still haven’t experienced this thing they call... Relationship/Love/Coupling and whatever that is. It’s not that I don’t have any admirers, I do have one back in college. He was courting me from 1st year to 4th year but got missing in between. I have developed feelings for him I cannot deny that but he has some traits that made me think that maybe he’s not the one for me? I even asks for signs from God just so I would know if he’s THE ONE, they call it. But then sad turn of events he denied of courting me when he was seen by my sister’s friends at a party making a move on another girl. It’s sad really, I was really sad that time coz I was already thinking of accepting him as my boyfriend-in secret but then that happened. After that He was still consistent in saying that that event was not how it looked or what other people told me, that it was a misunderstanding and all that. He was still persistent on courting me but then I don’t like it anymore coz honestly? I got hurt by what he said. So he went missing for years but then came back on my 4th year of college but I already denied him of the privileges of courting me saying that all his efforts will be useless but he was makulit so, whatever. HAHA.

 And then in the middle of that drama there came a boy who made a fan page of me on Facebook, well my friends assumed it was me coz of the title page name “Fan ni MJJ” and then highlighting the physical appearance of MJJ and her course, what college and whatnot that made my friends realized or I dont know, assumed? That in fact it WAS me. They even contacted the creator of the page asking if the MJJ that he’s talking about is THE MJJ that my friends are talking about. Then things got crazy from there. I get to meet these Information Technology people at our school which was not in our batch and some is in our batch just because my friend is one of the Admins of the school’s hugot story page. And then, viola, turns out he was from that department and my admin friend helped him to make that page and make His move on me, Wow. HAHA. College got crazier in 4th year because of those happenings which made us meet new poeple and enjoy their company and friendship. Buuuuuuut, during the second semester when I was on the stage of getting to know Mr. Fan ni MJJ, it turns out that he was my relative from my mother’s side and our parents knew each other. Wow, uhm, awkward! Yes, that was awkward which lead us to “the talk’’ of not continuing his courting of me because of the revelation that happened, It’s a good thing that I still don’t have feelings for him at that time which made it easier for me to move on but took ages for him because he really really really liked me, and I’m not even bragging about it because its the truth, even my friends and family knew that he liked me that much. The confrontation stage of not continuing whatever we had was rather awkward for me but a very very sad moment for him. It was rainy day and i think the weather kind of felt what he felt at that moment. He cried, when he hugged for the very last time. And I was just there consoling him and telling him not to cry. Also, I told him that he should delete all of his photos of me, all the passwords and emails and files that concerns about me, because apparently his password for all his accounts happens to be my birthday, whohooo. Yey. NOT. My friends kept telling me that He was a distant relative, BUT, I still don’t like it and my mother don’t like it either. Which lead to a sudden distance of that circle f friends gathering, which was sad, really because they’re fun to be with but I know he needed the space so I distanced my self. so fast forward, GRADUATION. And WORK, oh by the way Guy #1 was still very very consistent and stubborn of what felt for me and still not giving up. But eventually I ended whatever contact he has of me just so he could move on, I know harsh but he just won’t stop and he already knows that there is no chance-at all for us. 

Fast forward 2016 - well in the middle part of that year someone came, well not really coz I’ve already known him. We we’re friends, he was a close friend of Guy #2. It was really random, we we’re already close because we both like this couple and confided on the Kilig stuff. But then he told on an August i think, that he likes me, btw he works in Davao at that time and he came back here at Gensan and gathered all our friends to hang out without me knowing that that will be the night that he will cpnfess to me about what he feels for a very long time na daw. Okay? So the confession happened and I was like, WHAT? Did that really happened? Then he told me that I made him feel good about himself and that all those drunk nights and drunk chats that he sends to us, his friends is because he really misses me so much but he can’t tell me that’s why he chose that moment to tell me all of his bottled up feelings. Even my sister knew about his feelings for me. At first I got a hint  because of how he treats me even in chats, when I have those emotional moments he was there like super consoling and all that but I didn’t think highly on it and on the possibility that he really has feelings for me. He asked me that night if he could court me and I was just there laughing my ass off coz I really can’t believe that that really happened, the thought of him liking me can’t really sink in. After that incident I was really bothered on the thought of giving him a chance and not giving him a chance because one - he’s myfriend andI don’t really want to ruin that friendship, again. Two - I know what will happen to him if I turn him down, he would get drunk and wasted and emotional and whatnot and I don’t want that to happen to him, he just lost her mother late of 2015 and that’s really a sad nd depressing moment for him which lead me to comforting him during those times, and him falling in love with me. So I relented and gave him a chance with so much worries and crying moments. I decided to give him a chance after my birthday in which he surprised ,me a at 1am, we just got home from my birthday party and I was soooooo drunk. I woke up because my family is still wide awake in our sala and has been very noisy and loud about his coming and bringing a human sized teddy bear and a cake. He really went thru a lot during the transpo from Davao to Gensan, as in A LOT, A LOT! That is why he arrived so late. I was drunk and feeling hazy so almost everything about that morning is not so clear for me but my family gave me a very vivid scene at the morning. They we’re all gushing and happy about the thought that I received a Human Sized Teddy Bear from a GUY! Really family? Really? 😑 And then after that my family was so welcoming of him, they really really liked him. He then frequently visits at home bringing flowers and chocolates and foods and stuffs. It’s a really every girls dream right? Except for me it became a burden. I later then lost my will to contact him and talk to him which made him really worried about me and I just kept on dodging is questions and and answering that everything is okay nothing to worry about but I think he sensed that something was off. Our last date was very uneventful, I really don’t want to go out with him but he was persistent so I relented, there was a time there when we we’re having a coffee at a coffee shop I received a message from my friend in Thailand that she got into and accident and has to undergo a surgery on her feet. When I read that I was already hyperventilating and ended up crying because she was so far away and she got hurt badly and no one was there to take care of her, I felt so sad for her. The moment I cried, he got worried and was comforting me, but I didn’t like it, not one bit. I felt annoyed that he was comforting me instead of feeling comforted. Which lead me to a decision that I really don’t like him and I I couldn’t continue to give him a chance at me because I will just be hurting him more. That night my sister came and when she came I hugged her and found comfort from her and not with him. From that moment on I rarely text or chat him, and those turn into weeks and months of not talking to him which was really unfair on his part because I didn’t gave him any memo of why I was behaving the way I did. Later on my friends told me and my family told me that I should just confront him about my issue if it bothers me so much. Yes, it really bothers me so much because I didn’t want to hurt him, but if I don’t tell him the truth I am denying myself the freedom to express what I really feel. And so the confrontation day came. He went to our house on a Sunday without me knowing anything of his coming, I was gonna call him the week after that to give “the Talk” but naunahan nya ako so I told him everything I feel for him. That made me realize that you really can’t push someone to like someone if you don’t really have the feelings, kahit like, NONE. I can’t give him a chance at me if I know deep down that he will just turn into a responsibility and not love. He was I crying when I told him this and I was crying too because of the thought that I was hurting him as a friend. I really don’t like hurting people or disappointing them or them to feel bad about me, I hate it. So now I’ve cut all my contacts with that group of friends, again. To now they want to meet up with me and just hang out just like old times but I don’t really like it, coz first it’s gonna be super awkward and second I don’t want to be the subject of their teasing, pikon kasi ako and I don’t want to be pikon to them and I want him to move on saakin. And find a new love.

My lovelife has it’s ups and downs. It’s dull and fun moments but one thing is for sure, I haven’t found still that one person who I will love and I will love back. But I know sometime soon, when I least expect it. :)