#i wish we’d done it earlier even but it took time to see a vet with the right diagnostic equipment

[ego-sum-arbor]

My birthday, the first anniversary of my grammee’s funeral, and the anniversary of my cat’s death are coming up. Boy, am I not excited.

[marklineson]

Lost in a Loop (#02)

Kim Jongdae x Fem!Reader

You keep losing your memory every time you fall asleep. Is it possible for someone like you to live a normal life and experience a romance that lasts a lifetime?

Word Count: 5.1k

Genre: Fluff, Angst; 

Title Track: To Reach You (Memory Control, PD48)

Warning: lots of occasional swearing bc idk, they’re all stupid kids and need help with their anger management (war of hormones, otl) & a bit of violence & drinking; also lots of cringey moments;         -Rosy out;

#02 Enchanting.

- May 05th, 2018

“You're up late today, son.” Jongdae winced under the stern glance of his father, fastening his steps as he made his way through the living room, with the kitchen as his destination.

He had ended up falling asleep around 5 in the morning, and now, five hours of nightmares and uncomfortable twisting and turning later, he had decided to get up and call it a night. He was sure you had already gotten up, not remembering a letter of the conversation you'd had with him, but he was worried.

Why did she do that?, he constantly questioned himself as he poured himself the rest of the instant coffee his father had prepared for breakfast, Why did she ask me about my feelings? Is she interested in me? He felt a tiny spark of hope flare up behind his sternum, but then again it also could have just been the heat of the beverage in his cup.  

He flipped the case of his phone aside and opened said conversation, shaking a bit when he saw your profile picture next to your name.

Do you love me?

I don't know, he kept whining in his head, How am I supposed to know? I'm eighteen years old, for fuck's sake. Frustrated, he slammed the phone shut again and sat down with a bowl of cereal in hand. I must have been out of my mind when I said yes- let her reread our conversation and she'll think I'm a creep. Shit.

~

As if on cue, his father stepped into the room the moment Jongdae hat put the last bit of milk in his mouth, spoon still hanging from his lips when the bowl was snatched away from him.

“Ey! Dad!”, he exclaimed, his father gifting him with another stern look.

“It's Saturday, Jongdae.”

“I wanted to at least eat some breakfast before I meet up with the guys and-”

“Didn't you promise me to help out today because you got home late yesterday?”

Ah, true. Detention had caused him to get home late yesterday. He mentally kicked Chanyeol, but then again, his friend had gotten the worst punishment ever after school in form of his harpy girlfriend.

“So... you really want me to help out at the clinic today?” His father simply nudged his shoulder, ignoring the pout on his Jongdae's face.

“Money is earned through hard work, son- especially when it comes to part-time jobs.”

“Uh-huh”, Jongdae answered, gulping down the rest of his still hot coffee -Seriously, how long had he sat down for breakfast? Five minutes?- and got up to follow his father through the entrance area and the white door that connected the living space of the house with the vet clinic his father owned.

“So, what can I help you with? Did the supplies arrive yet?” His father blinked at him, obviously impressed, nodded and motioned for Jongdae to go outside where the packages stood. “Nice. Let me stash them away for you.”

The elder nodded, a hand on his son's shoulder before he went back into the clinic. “If you need help, you know where your good old dad is.” But Jongdae quickly sent him back inside, happy to have something to do that would occupy him.

~

I must have been out of my mind.

Jongdae wondered if he had actually hoped to be able to forget about last night, or if he had wanted to reminisce in old memories when he'd told his dad he would take care of the delivered supplies. The more he got used to his task, the wider his thoughts trailed off into the distance, and whenever he set a foot into the storage room, all he could think about were the many times the two of you used to hide in there when you played hide-and-seek with the others.

He was sure that tending to the customers as they waited inside would have been much more effective than stashing away pills and cat food.

Do you love me?

“Morning! Nice weather, isn't it?” He greeted you, making his voice sound extra cheerful. His father snickered from inside the clinic. Oh, shit.

But his face fell for a moment when he saw you simply standing there, watching him with your eyebrows up, slightly chewing on your bottom lip. Another oh, shit moment, taking into count how pretty you looked with your hair down and your white skirt swaying in the gentle breeze.

Jongdae did his best to regain his confidence by clearing his throat.

“What? Cat's got your tongue?” He laughed, mentally shitting himself when he didn't see your face lighting up.

“Oh, good... morning”, you muttered, starting to shift under his intense gaze because it made you feel awkward, “I just didn't know we were... close enough to greet each other in public.”

Ouch.

“Of- of course we are, we're classmates. We should always greet each other, in and out of school!”

You mustered him up and down, making him feel like he shrunk down to bite-size under your earnest expression. “...I see. Well, are we done here? Since we greeted each other?” He released a sigh that fit his deflated expression and merely nodded, seeing you smile at him with a slight bow and starting to walk on, when-

“Please- wait, there's actually something I gotta ask-” Jongdae was relieved when you turned around on your heels and blinked at him, the edges of your mouth rising once more. He felt his stomach twist as the heat crept up his cheeks, unstoppable and cruel.

Do you love me?

It's either that or the sun's finally getting the best of me.

~

“You should have told me about the project for chemistry earlier! I could have grabbed my books and made my way here right away.” You exclaimed as Jongdae's father handed you a glass of juice, ice cubes clinking gently when you took a sip. “Chemistry is important to you, isn't it? Only if you still want to become a scientist in the future, that is.”

Jongdae nearly choked on a cube he was chewing on when he realized you had actually memorized a fact that was related to him, but his hopes where crushed right away when you mentioned you had skipped through your last year book because you had gotten curious about your friends' wishes for the future and had read about him there as well.

“I...”

He scratched his neck, obviously thinking of a smart remark he could surprise you with, when the voice of his dad came to his rescue.

“...So, Y/N, how is Nemo doing these days?” Mr. Kim directed his curious eyes at you while filling his own glass. “I haven't seen him strolling around our house for a while now.”

“I actually thought of paying you a visit with him today- he hasn't been eating at all today, but my  mom said he's never been that much of an eater, so it might be the weather?”

Jongdae furrowed his eyebrows, clearly remembering you telling Yeri about Nemo gobbling down a whole bowl of cat food within a minute. He also remembered you asking your mom for your allowance in advance because you had to buy him more food, and when she said no, you had begged Jongdae to gift you with cat food for your birthday four years ago.

“Well, Nemo's about 15 years old, after all. It could be the weather, or it could be that he's just becoming more lazy as he becomes older, but maybe you should bring him here regardless of that- you were supposed to come here for his yearly check-up in June, anyway.”

You nodded at that, visibly happy to have such a great vet to take care of Nemo, your furry best friend. “I'll try to pay you a visit with him on Monday, then.”

Jongdae, who had been getting more or less lost in his memories, his gaze fixated on your beaming face, shrinked a little when you suddenly directed your attention at him again.

“So, do you want to start with the chemistry project right away? I could go home and get my things for-”

Yes. Yes- Say yes for god's sake! An unknwon voice kept screaming in his head, screaming at him to give in to what seemed like his chance to spend some time alone with you, but the feeling of his heart thumping so fast that it seemed to be about to burst caused him to do otherwise.

“I, eh- Sorry, but I already have plans for today.” Jongdae was sure of his mind playing tricks on him, because, for a mere second, he thought he'd seen your face fall- but he was sure he'd been wrong when you smiled at him and his dad as you got up- obviously, you were getting ready to leave.

“In that case, I'll be on my way to the grocery store. It was nice to chat with the two of you- Mr. Kim, Jongdae.” You waved at them before grabbing your bag and exiting the back of their clinic.

Jongdae's gaze followed your swaying hair when he was suddenly nudged by his father, making him groan. “Dad-”

“I already told you when you were ten and I know it made you cry, but I'll disown you if you don't make her my in-law, Jongdae.”

Blushing, Jongdae got up, his dad handing him some money before he practically ran out to follow you.

~

“Didn't you say you were a bit short on time because you had plans today?” You eyed him curiously, raising your eyebrows a bit at the large smile that had been plastered on his face ever since he'd managed to take you to this ice cream parlor a few minutes away from the grocery store.

“Yeah, I mean, I don't think we'd have had enough time to finish the project today because of that.”

“Who are you meeting up with, by the way?” Jongdae took his time before answering, his mind fully captivated by the redness that was crawling up your neck and, finally, cheeks, or the sight of you fumbling with the hem of your dress to avoid eye contact.

“I'm... going to meet the guys- Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and a few others you might not really know.”

“Oh. I see... like a guys' night out?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Not really- Y-you could even tag along if you want. There will be other girls you could chat or play with.”

Something in your chest stirred, causing you to look anything but pleased.

He had known. He'd noticed how perfect -well, regarding your actual relationship- everything had been going today. He'd been seeing you in town on your own a few times, greeting you and sometimes even chatting with you, but sooner or later, there'd always been something -someone- to distract you and pull you away from him. Today had been the day, and he wouldn’t have been Kim Jongdae if he hadn’t known how to ruin it for himself.

“What's up?” The burning sensation of his palm on your shoulder made you stop mid-action, your eyes darting upwards to meet his. Jongdae felt somewhat intimidated by the expression you were now gazing at him with, but it didn't make him feel uncomfortable at all. It was the first time in two years, he realized. The first time ever since his birthday two years ago, ever since you’d caused him to think you were feeling the way he did

Why did I even answer you? I should have apologized, nothing more. Stop getting so sentimental, Jongdae.

“I don't know if I should be honest with you, Kim Jongdae.” Your eyes darted back to the floor, head shaking merely as if to support your thoughts, negativities he wasn't supposed to hear. “I don't know if I should really trust you that far-” His breath got stuck somewhere between his nose and his lungs when you suddenly grabbed one of his hands with yours, and gosh, were they small. And soft. Jongdae would have bet on them even smelling good-

“But despite everything my friends keep telling me, despite everything that's written about you in my diary, I feel like I want to trust you.”

“You...” He barely withstood the urge to hold on to your hand, but he managed to gently push it away in the end. “I don't think you should be trusting someone like me, Y/N.”

“My diary says so, too- but somehow, meeting you like this made me feel otherwise.”

The boy scowled. He’d thought he’d heard wrong before, but- “Your... diary?”

You blushed, but went on either way. “Yes, well, it's rather something like a notebook I use to keep up with the most important details of my daily life. To remember the things I... I forget about.” It was weird for you to talk about something so... private, but it also felt good to have someone listen and you had to admit that, different from what your diary had said, Jongdae seemed to be a nice person- and a great listener. “I wonder what my friends would do if they saw me opening up to you that much.” You laughed a little, but stopped when you saw Jongdae's face darken.

“I'm sure they already would have pulled you away from me, just like they always do.” It was your time to furrow your brows. “They seem to think I'm a bad influence for someone like you- and they may be right, I don't know.”

“What makes you think that?” You wondered what he -someone like Jongdae- could have done to be pushed away by your small group of friends, who were both also kind and caring enough to take someone like you in. Instead of eagerly reaching for his hand, you grabbed the string of your bag for something like... an anchor in the midth of the mess that was your head. “Did something happen between our friends? You and one of the girls-”, you paused, taking a deep breath to calm your own nerves-” or even us?”

Jongdae felt your eagerness giving him goosebumps. Despite whatever he had thought before, he was sure that something deep, deep inside of you wanted to get close to him again- and seeing how you were seemingly pulled to him made him feel indescribably soft. Like the matching poles of two magnets someone kept pulling apart. He could practically feel his heart swell with every word of honesty you spoke- because lying, he guessed, was something you were not capable of. “I... Honestly, I don't know.”

He didn't want to risk hurting you by accidentally making you try to remember anything about yourself too much, but he had to admit he was just as curious as you. He still remembered the last day the two of you hung out freely, the last day he had made you laugh and carried your backpack. He had thought about it over and over again, but had never managed to find a reason for you to leave his side when he had thought that you'd -eventually, if only the heavens had been on his side-

felt just like him. “We stopped being close two years ago. Believe it or not, but I have no idea why.”

He saw your face fall, shoulders hanging, and it took him all of his self-discipline not to step up to you and engulf you in a hug. He could have easily done so, maybe you even wanted him to- and yet, he would have felt as if he was taking advantage of your situation. Jongdae was no coward (just sometimes, he secretly was), but taking your situation into count, he still wanted to leave the first steps of whatever the two of you were heading up to to you. He had been used to matching up to your pace, and he had promised himself he would never throw himself right at you (unless you wanted him to, and heck, how often did he catch himself thinking back to the old times, where you'd tug on his shirt for a hug)- he wanted to give you the space and time you needed to get used to him again, no matter how long it'd take.

So instead of getting closer, he shifted around awkwardly, his shoes causing the earth beneath them to scrunch a little. He nodded over to the parlor you’d been sitting next to for the time being. “So... you wanna go get some ice cream?”

But all you could do was shake your head. “I'm not sure if I'm still in the mood for ice cream...”

Jongdae bit his lip, this time unable to hold his hand back as it reached out to you on its own, a gentle pat on your back causing you to smile. “We could share? Eating something delicious may brighten your mood. What's your favourite flavour?”

You smiled at him, and his heart skipped a beat.

How could you not feel happier again, when Jongdae was trying so hard to cheer you up?

~

“You want to know about... what?”

You patiently waited while Yerim and Sooyoung looked at each other as if you'd just told them you'd move away tomorrow and never come back.

“I don't think there's anything worth knowing, sweetheart.” But Yerim's furrowed brows told you otherwise.

“I would like to know what happened between me and Jongdae”, you started, casually sipping on your shaken sweet tea. “ Something must have happened. I feel like we'd be much closer if it didn't- and he said he's clueless himself.”

You saw your friends scoffing in unision.  “He's what?!” Sooyoung slammed her hands on the table, half of the customers in the small café you'd met up in looking at her in shock. “He's a fucking idiot, Y/N, a fucking idiot! He's just as evil as his friends are!-”

“When did you even talk to him?”, Yerim asked as she yanked Sooyoung's butt back into her seat.

“Today. We met in front of his house and spontaneously went for ice cream.” You tried your hardest not to smile, but the glow on your face was impossible to hide. “I thought that if anyone would know, it should either be you or his friends.”

“Sweetie...” Yerim took your hands and gently pressed them while Sooyoung huffed and threw her head back, cheeks puffed in anger and frustration. “You know, it's not like we don't know about your feelings for Jongdae, but...”

“Yeri, stop. I don't want her to get close to these three pieces of garbage ever again. I gave Chanyeol another chance, and you saw what he made of it-”

“Why is this about you again, Sooyoung? Does each and every conversation have to revolve around you and that wanna-be-punk?”

“He's not- I mean, of course not”, the taller girl exclaimed, irritation washing over her face and revealing her inner state. “You know that all I want is to protect our friend from getting her heart broken over and over again- Park, Byun, Kim, they’re all the same kind of idiots. Insensitive, unbelievably mean and-”

“Girls, girls, girls- I fucking love him! ”, you threw in, both of your friends now looking at you, eyes wide and mouths agape. “This is my life, after all. I am a part of this group. I feel like I have every right to know about whatever happened between all of us.”

“It’s all in the past, sweetie, we should all calm down and think about what’s ahead of us, I guess”, Yeri patted your hand while Sooyoung raised her hand to order another round of tea and coffee for the three of you, but even the sugar-coated cookies she demanded as well could distract you.

“Sooyoung. Yeri. Please. You know me- my past, my future, everything’s unknown to me. The two of you are my number one source for everything that’s happened to me in the past years. What do you think I should do if even the two of you stop backing me up? What should I do with my future if I don’t even know who I am because my past is nothing but blurry?” Ugh, how you hated it to play that card- but it seemed to work just fine. 

“Sooyoung, I read about your break-up. Heck, I don’t even know how to comfort you because I barely even know what it’s like to love someone, to be loved, or to be broken up with and miss someone- I want that, too, no matter the outcome.” You leaned over to them, a pleading look on your face. You felt like crying, andeventually, it showed- because even if you had just started to act like a kicked puppy to convince them, it was true. You were scared of your future- but what scared you the most was spending your present without living. You still wanted to go out and have fun, live and love like everyone else. You were convinced that even for someone like you, romance was a possibility as long as your partner was someone who cared. Someone who tried- someone like him, you added in your head.

Just this once, please.

You saw the two of them exchanging glances, with Yeri biting her lip and Sooyoung blinking a tad bit too fast, trying to hide her watery eyes. “Fine, but... please don't swear again. Sooyoung's rubbing off on you way too much.”

“Stop babying me, Yeri. You're younger than me!” 

“Who cares about two months-” Sooyoung interrupting her by smacking the blonde's head made you crack up.

“What did you just say? I didn't hear you, Kim Yerim, I guess your bad hearing's rubbing off on me!”

~

Jongdae's mind was a freaking mess. With the memories of the past years and today all mixed together, the moments of tension that had practically drained him, he didn't even feel like attending Baekhyun's small party anymore- he would've rather spent time alone to think, to remember.

But he'd promised after all, and he had also said yes to band practice being set up for today due to the detention he'd gotten because Chanyeol'd behaved like a fucking caveman in class. He smiled, eyes crinkling in delight. He was reall walking through heaven and hell with that boy, but he was living for it- they were friends, after all.

“Yo, guys! It's me!”, he exclaimed as he opened the door to the small wooden hut in the Byuns' backyard, “What's going on?”

The guys immediately handed him a can of beer -Baekhyun's dad was a seemingly sad example of a single father, allowing the boys to drink at home to “man up” (when in reality, he rather had them drink at home than somewhere else, but how uncool did that sound)- and immediately discussed which song to play as an opening for tonights party and some new stuff Chanyeol had come up with, when Baekhyun put an arm around Jongdae's shoulders and slomped down next to him on the old, red leather sofa that had been a part of the Byuns' livingroom until three years ago, when Baekhyun had somehow managed to burn a butt-sized hole into one of the seats.

“I guess something good happened today? You're pretty much thrilled up today!” Jongdae sent a silent toast to his two friends and emptied his can before speaking.

“Well, you could say so. Nice weather-”

“-nice skirt, you mean.” Chanyeol took a seat in a blue armchair opposite to them. Baekhyun eyed them curiously, while Jongdae tried to hide in the collar of his shirt, immediately getting the hint.

“Your date was wearing a nice skirt today- a bit too long for my taste, but you've always been the conservative one here- Ey!”, the giant exclaimed when Jongdae's beer can collided with his head.

“Date? You were on a date?! Why didn't you tell us you had a girl wrapped around your little finger? Who is it? Spill the tea already!!” Baekhyun nudged Jongdae's side, obviously proud of his buddy.

Jongdae opened his mouth to speak, but before he could make sure that whatever answer he was going to give seemed solid, Chanyeol rolled his eyes and, holding his head, added “Naw, just kidding. I saw him in town with Brainy. They were eating ice cream. Should've seen them, Dae was so much into acting all lovey-dovey and sharing with her, I thought he was going to feed her at any moment- AH!” He tried to hold back his laughter, but failed miserably and ended up stubbing his toe at the coffee table.

“Serves you right!”, Jongdae happily yelled, before turning around to get some nice comment out of Baekhyun. “Doesn't it- hey, what's up? Someone stole your tongue?” He furrowed his eyebrows, repeating his friend's past action and nudging his shoulder playfully- but all he got was Baekhyun shoving him away and off the sofa. “Ey, what the fuck was that for?!”

“So, you're seeing her now?”, Baekhyun growled, head hanging low enough for his bangs to hide his face. “You're seeing each other? You're finally dating that sad excuse of a bitch-  Fine, congratulations.” He made an attempt to get up and walk over to his keyboard, but Jongdae was faster- he jumped up from his position on the floor and pushed Baekhyun back to the couch, making him trip over his own feet and causing him to fall backwards with his back hitting the leather first. “Jongdae, what the fuck?!”

“What's your fucking problem?”, Jongdae yelled, throwing his hands up in the air to express his irritation, but also ready for a possible fight. “I told-”

“-I think I should be the one asking you two just that”, Chanyeol threw in, getting between the two smaller guys to prevent any more damage. “Jongdae, lower your fucking butt and then talk it out!”, he shouted, causing the other two to shut up for a moment and get back to their senses, realizing he had usually been the one they had to calm down and aid him with his anger management.

“I definitely didn't intend to make the two of you scratch each others' eyes out when I made that stupid joke.”

Jongdae huffed once, twice, and eventually a third time before laying his eyes upon Baekhyun again. “So? I'm waiting for your answer, dumbass.”

“What's there to wait for? I already wished you well, asshole.” Baekhyun wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, facial expression still falling a mile a minute. “I hope you and that annoying little piece of crap will live well and experience your happy ever after.”

“What reason do you have to treat her like that? I remember you telling us you liked her, Baek!  Whenever you talk about her now, it's like you've become a whole different person! Did some kind of ghost get a hold of you and tell you to treat her like shit from one day to another? Or-”

“That's the fucking problem, you dumbass!” Chanyeol grabbed his chest in surprise, as Jongdae stayed unfaced by their friend getting up and slamming his hands flat on the table, their bottles jumping in unision.

“To be honest”, Baekhyun's voiced seemed forced and compressed, as if he tried his best to withstand the urge to talk, “I... like Y/N.”

Silence.

It was a weird, maybe even comical moment, with the rapid exchange of eye contact between Chanyeol and Jongdae, the latter feeling the hair in his neck standing up one after another, while Baekhyun shifted in his seat as if his blonde friend was a bomb that was about to explode. Unexpectedly, Chanyeol was the first one to regain his ability to speak.

“You what?”

“It's true. I've been in love with her for about... four years now”, Baekhyun started, elbows now resting on his knees, his face hidden in his hands to hide the embarrassment that started to show on his face.

“I... never knew”, Chanyeol mumbled, something like awe showing on his face, but he was too scared to drag things into a humorous direction just now. He'd never seen his friends in such a dead-serious moment, though he somewhat felt like this was all part of either a hidden camera prank, or some kind of cheesy romance novel.

“Well, me neither”, Jongdae growled, too overwhelmed by his own feelings of Baekhyun suddenly stepping up as a potential rival in a fight for your heart (though it was very unlikely that Yerim or Sooyoung would let you get close to any of them after what happened).

When Baekhyun realized his friends had nothing else to add, he continued, keeping his face low as he shifted awkwardly on the old red sofa beneath his butt. “I thought that, if I kept humiliating her, I would at some point start to believe in my own words, that I would like her less, maybe even dislike her someday- be able to let go and move on- but it's not that easy.” His gaze shifted to Jongdae, who was still furious, his whole body shaking from anger and irritation. “Whenever I hurt her, I saw your eyes, the sadness it pushed you into- and I knew that, while my head told me to stop this, my heart had made the right choice. She may be weird, but if someone like you falls for her, Y/N must be one hell of a girl- a rare catch, like a diamond.”

With his gaze still resting upon Jongdae, he missed the way Chanyeol furrowed his eyebrows and mouthed something along the line what the fuck?, falling into a trance as he slowly started to realize the direction this was taking.

“After a while, I noticed I like it when she cries or shies away from me- it's cute, but-”

“-Wow, you're one fucking asshole.”

Baekhyun sighed and nodded, eyes carrying a small glint of sadness. “True, Dae, I was going to say exactly that. I'm an asshole for making her feel so down, and I possibly hate myself the most for it- but I'm also your friend, and so I decided to start over. I promise I'll behave-”

Chanyeol regretted only waking up from his trance the second he heard the crack caused by Jongdae's fist hitting Baekhyun's nose with full force.

Back to the LiaL Masterpost || Chapter 3

tagging: @noona-clock​ @trishmarieco @cramelot @jjong-dae77 @lovebuginlove

[indirispeaks]

Nikki

1998 - 2018

“Read more” link because LONG.

I’ve always been a Siamese cat person ever since my dad surprised me on my third birthday with a tiny kitten hidden in his coat pocket.  I named her Smudge, and she was my cat from then until my first year of college 17 years later.  My parents don’t know what happened to her, and guessed she had slipped outside and gone off to die in private somewhere.  (When I was younger it was still acceptable to let the cat out to wander the neighborhood.  She’d always come in when I called for her.  

Our next cat wasn’t Siamese and it was my sisters who named her Smudge II.  I wasn’t as attached to her as I was to Smudge I.  She had horrible skin allergies and licked herself bloody so she had to wear a bib to let it grow back, she was on a special diet and everything but she only lived for 7 years and it was likely due to the medication she had to take.  

I had a snowshoe kitten at one point, but she died under anesthetic while being spayed.  I’d only had her 6 months so that didn’t hurt as bad. 

I left college and started working full time at the library and living on my own at  my coworkers farm.  In the chicken coop.  Whole other story, but I will say that it was utterly fantastic and appealed to my artistic nature.  I found a Siamese breeder nearby and went to see the latest batch of kittens. (Don’t worry, it wasn’t a kitten mill, it was just an elderly couple who loved Siamese and had four of their own, plus however many kittens were floating around.)  The kittens were outdoors when I found them and up til that point, I was set on getting a female...all my cats had been female. I had a little girl in my hands, baby-talking her, when a very determined little boy scaled my pants leg,velcroed himself to my chest, squealing demands.  My choice had been made for me, and I couldn’t resist those eyes and that “YeeeeeEEEEEeeeeEEEEEEEeeee!!”  like a little ambulance siren.  

I had to hide him from my mother until I found the best way to tell her.  She is NOT a cat person.  Poor Nikki had to spend a good hour with his head poking out of her purse that she’d hung on a fence during her tennis lesson...and then over the weekend at a friend’s house.  It worked out in the end, but he never forgave her for that.

Not him, but I don’t have any pictures from his kittenhood because cell phones with cameras hadn’t been invented yet and I didn’t have a camera of my own. That’s the image I found that looks the most like him at 6 months.

These are from last month.  I didn’t take any photos of him when he started deteriorating so quickly.  I don’t want to remember my sweet old man like that.  He would have turned 20 in four months. I wasn’t good to him in some ways.  My mother laid down the ultimatum that if he stayed in the house, he MUST be declawed.  (Which I will never go again to any cat of mine)  I left him for a month at my parents while I was off having a mid-life crisis 30 years early.  

But I fought for him.  He had kidney issues from age two?  Three?  I don’t remember, but he had to live at the vet’s office for a month so they could drain his bladder.  The surgery to fix it was 500 dollars, which isn’t as bad as today’s treatments that run up into thousands and thousands of dollars. I’d already spent 300 on tests and the bladder draining.  I was told that I shouldn’t “spend so much on a pet”  and I ignored that advice outright.  I put down my signed American Girl doll as collateral and he ended up having to have a full sex change.  Still my boy though. He’ll always be.

I said in an earlier post that he wasn’t doing well and was on medication for pain and thyroid issues...three weeks of treatment and he wasn’t showing signs of improvement....he was worse off.  Hunching and swaying, leaning against the wall when he walked or he’d fall right over.  Crab-walking, unable to groom the mats out of his fur and hated it when I tried to help.  God only knows how many times he fell off the bed.  I already had a lidded basket there so he didn’t have to try and jump from the floor, because that usually led to him smashing face first into the sideboard or slide, frantically trying to claw his way over the top, Indiana Jones style.  (His expression was hysterical and I fully admit that I laughed once or twice) I caught him almost every time, but I stopped letting him jump up on ANYTHING without my assistance.  

I made the difficult decision Saturday that the best thing I could do for him would be to give him a peaceful death, free of pain.  My sister Kelsey drove me back to the vet clinic in Derby, and I could not be more grateful.  I knew they would ask for his reason to visit when he checked in and if I opened my mouth to answer, I was going to lose it.  So Kelsey checked him in and then explained to the nurse and did most of the talking in general while I let Nikki explore the landscape in front of the building.  He always liked exploring every new place and watching out the window in the car to see what was happening in the world. I was numb and sort of going on autopilot and don’t remember what I said or if I said anything to anyone other than Dr Mork. I know I thanked her before we left. El Paso clinic were very professional and I am so grateful for that too.  The nurse took us back to one of the “Rainbow Bridge” rooms so we would have some privacy while we waited on the vet and she showed up just a few minutes later.  She was very patient and waited while I got and gave Nikki a drink of water and clipped off some fur to put into a vial.

She explained everything that was going to happen, that she would take him to the surgery and put an IV in, then bring him back.  I wish I’d gone with him, but I didn’t.  While she was doing that, Kelsey and I looked over the options they had as far as final services went.  I could afford everything, if the money from Ebay and Etsy had hit this morning instead of half an hour ago.  I’m going to reimburse her for that.  I chose to have him cremated and store his ashes in a carved wooden box, after having a paw print pressed into some clay.  I plan on keeping them together, probably on one of my shelves, until it stops hurting so much.  His ashes will then be buried in mom and dad’s back garden, under my window with my showshoe kitten, Watson, and Hibble. The pawprint will be hung on the wall to remind me of the good times we had.

She came back and I held Nikki in my arms while she administered an overdose of anesthetic. I told him how much I loved him and he was a good kitty and everything was going to be alright while he purred.  I watched him close his eyes.  I heard him sigh.  I felt him stop purring.

He’s gone.  I have had him half my lifetime, I would have done anything for him and he gave me so much.  He sat on my chest and purred when I came home from the hospital and was in such pain.  He would reach up and touch my chin with his paw until I smiled and told him I was okay.  He had a high prey drive and kept my place insect-free and routinely brought me severed cricket legs, half eaten spiders, and the occasional headless mouse.  He could knock flies off the wall.  I don’t know if he ate them or what but he sure whacked the crap out of them.  He volleyball spike-d a bird out of midair.  He was a good hunter.  He yelled until I let him in the bathroom when I was taking showers to supervise the process and then discovered the bathtub had the best acoustics for his 3 am impressions of the tortured, tormented wailing and howls of a thousand lost souls of the eternally damned.

I held him another few minutes, then wrapped him in a fleece blanket that had been provided, kissed him, and told him goodbye.  Then Kelsey and I left through the side door directly from the room...I guess so that we didn’t have to walk back through the small crowd of people in the waiting room.  I was still in a daze and disoriented and got completely turned around in the parking lot, unable to find where we’d parked.  I don’t even remember the drive back to Kelsey’s house.  She kept me distracted by giving me a make-over and take my one year photo for ‘before and after”  That’s another post entirely, but I was glad for the distraction.  It’s probably a good thing I have NINE different projects going, half of them needing to arrive at their destinations by FRIDAY.  That’s another thing I’m grateful for, it’s a really good way to keep myself distracted.  I don’t think I would have been able to sleep anyway....I really didn’t want to lay in bed and dwell on this.  Hopefully my hands hold up to the pressure, there’s tons of beading involved.

[atlafan]

The Game: Part Four

Rucas au multi-fic. Lucas and Riley have been best friends for as long as they can remember. They finally tell each other how they feel, and are able to get together, but some friction occurs when Riley’s Uncle Shawn introduces everyone to his new wife and daughter. 

Part One Part Two Part Three After school, which was only a half day, Riley, Lucas, Smackle, and Farkle all go to Topanga’s for the smoothies that they agreed upon getting earlier that day. They all order, grab their drinks, and sit in their usual spots. Lucas and Riley on one loveseat, and Farkle and Smackle on the other.

“To Lucas and Riley, we’re so happy the two of you figured out your feelings for each other, and we wish you all the happiness in the world.” Farkle says, all raise their cups, and take a sip.

“Thanks Farkle, that’s very sweet of you.” Riley says. “You know, it’s a beautiful day, we shouldn’t waste it by staying inside.”

“Farkle and I are going on my parents boat in an hour, you two are welcome to join.”

“You know what’s funny, I can ride a horse just fine, but get me on a boat, and I will puke. But thanks for the offer Smackle.” Lucas says.

“Of course. We better get going. My mother would like us to grab a case of water on our way.”

Smackle and Farkle leave. Now it’s just Lucas and Riley.

“Okay, so what do you wanna do? A walk in the park? You know it’s too bad your apartment building doesn’t have a pool in the back.”

“Well there’s a tiny indoor one, but that defeats the purpose of wanting to do something outside.”

“I could set up the slip and slide in my backyard, that could be fun.”

“I don’t really feel like getting wet, but I definitely wouldn’t mind getting into your hammock for a while, and listen to some music.”

“Sounds perfect to me.”

Just as the two get up, Maya walks in. Her hair is up in a messy bun, and has an apron in her hand.

“Hey, is your mom or some type of manager here?”

“Um, yeah Pam is in the back, why?”

“I work here now.”

“Oh, good for you.”

“Do you ever work here?”

“Sometimes, on weekends, or just when my mom needs extra help. I’m really supposed to focus on my grades during the school year.”

“Must be nice to have that luxury.”

“Hey, Riley is the hardest worker I know, just because she doesn’t need to work a paid job to help out a little doesn’t make her any less of a person than you. Besides, I thought jobs were supposed to fix attitudes.”

“Are you saying you don’t like my attitude, pretty boy?”

“I’m saying, no one around here needs any drama. Come on Riley, we have plans.”

Lucas grabs Riley’s hand and they leave in a huff. On their walk, Riley speaks up.

“Lucas, you didn’t have to do that. I mean it was nice of you to defend me and all, but you know I don’t like it when you get worked up.”

“I wouldn’t really call that getting worked up. I didn’t yell at her or anything, I left the situation. She thinks she knows you, and she doesn’t. Plus, all things considered, you were really nice to her today.”

“Yeah, a little too nice if you ask me. I just hated seeing her sit alone. She made some friends by lunch, I saw her sitting with some of the other art kids.”

“See, even though you can’t stand her, you’re stilling looking out for her.”

“I think she and I got off to a bad start. I could still see us being friends, but at the same time, she pisses me off and I’m not sure what to do about it.”

They get to Lucas’ house, go right to the backyard, and get right into the hammock.

“You don’t know how lucky you are, having a home, a yard, quiet.”

“My mom was adamant about not being stuck in the city. I like where you live, there’s always something happening.” He puts an arm around her, and she snuggles into him. “But, this is nice too.”

Lucas plays music from his phone, while to two lay there, rocking back and forth in the hammock, just relaxing. This was something that Riley wished they could have done a while ago.

“I know I said this the other day, but I’m really happy this feels natural. I thought I’d be so nervous being this close to you.”

“You? I thought I’d be the one that was the nervous wreck. You’re always the collected one.”

“Not always. There’s plenty of times I’ve felt nervous around you. Like, at junior prom. We were dancing pretty close, and, you’ll probably hate me for say this, but I thought that would be the moment that I would finally kiss you, but at the last second-”

“You hugged me. We held each other close for like five minutes in this embrace. That was only like four months ago, can you believe it?”

“Four months ago that we should have been together. I’ll never forget walking in your apartment, and being stunned by how beautiful you looked.”

“Lucas?”

“Yeah?”

“How long have you had feelings for me?”

“Well, I’ve always had feelings for you.”

“No, I mean like real, wanting to be with me feelings.”

“I don’t want to say.”

“Why not?”

“Because if it doesn’t match how long you've had feelings for me, then you’re gonna get mad. We’re together now, what does it matter?”

“Well, I suppose it shouldn’t matter, but...any time we start talking about the things we used to do, or how one of us should have spoken up sooner makes me upset. I mean I would have loved if we had gotten together, way sooner.”

“How much sooner?”

“The minute I fell into your lap sooner.”

“Riley.”

“Okay, maybe not that soon, but still, a couple of years ago would have been nice. I mean sure, did I love having you as a best friend, and love knowing that no matter what we’d always be friends? Of course. But I always wanted something more.”

“I think deep down I did too, but I was too afraid of the change. I didn’t want us to date, and then break up and have everything be different.”

“You’re not afraid of us breaking up anymore?”

“Nope. In fact, I’m pretty sure we’re gonna end up married with a couple of kids someday.”

“Um, -”

“Riley, of course I know that we could break up, but I’m not afraid of losing what we have anymore. We have so much history together, I know we could work through anything.”

“Oh, so that married with kids thing was you being sarcastic.”

“Yeah, did you think I was being serious right now? I’m eighteen, we’re eighteen, let’s just be eighteen, okay?”

“Technically you’re nineteen.”

“Yes, I’m aware, thank you.”

“You know what I was kind of impressed with about Maya today?”

“What?”

“The fact that she already knows she wants to attend Mass Art. I still haven’t narrowed down my search.”

“Neither have I. Do you think you want to leave New York for a little bit?”

“I don’t know, it depends on what some of the other schools offer. No sense of me going to Boston. Why leave one city for another?”

“Boston is completely different from New York, but I see your point.”

“Something about going to a college town kind of excites me. I wouldn’t mind going a little rural.”

“Not too many vet schools on the east coast. Although, I could do a lot of the pre reqs here, and then go.”

“No way, don’t waste the time, sometimes those credits don’t even carry over. Aren’t there a couple of schools further south you were looking into?”

“Yeah, but they’re way more competitive.”

“Lucas, you’re so smart, and you chose all the right classes this year, I bet you could go wherever you wanted. At least you know what you want to go for.”

“No wonder you can’t pick a school, you don’t even know what you want to go to school for.”

“Being undecided isn’t a big deal. It’s more like there are too many things that I want to do.”

“Why don’t you combine your love of photography, and love of writing and become like a photo journalist, or a blogger?”

“Yeah, that’ll really pay the bills.”

“It shouldn’t be about money, it should be about waking up every morning loving what you do.”

“You know I was thinking if I did go to school here, I’d try to work for some magazine company. I could write columns, and I bet I’d be good at the digital stuff, since more people read things online.”

“I could definitely see you doing that.”

The two talked for almost two hours. Lucas’ parents were at work since it was still the middle of the day. Riley’s stomach started to grumble.

“I guess that smoothie didn’t hold me over like I thought it would.”

“We have stuff to make sandwiches inside, you interested?”

“Definitely.”

The two go inside. Riley sits at the kitchen island while Lucas grabs everything from the fridge. Riley makes herself a small turkey sandwich, and Lucas makes himself a roast beef. They both eat quickly, realizing just how hungry they were.

“So what do you feel like doing now?” Lucas asks her after cleaning up their plates.

“In all honesty, I could go for a nap. Getting up at six this morning was really unpleasant.”

“Alright, so let’s take a nap. I’ll set an alarm for around four, that way we’re awake in plenty of time before my parents get home.”

“What would that matter if we’re on the couch?”

“I was thinking we could get cozy upstairs.”

Riley gave Lucas a concerned look. What exactly were his intentions?

“We can really stretch out and get comfortable. If it makes you feel weird, we can stay down here.”

“No, let’s give it a try.”

Riley was only allowed in Lucas’ room when there was an adult home. She followed him upstairs. She loved his room, it was so different from hers. He had a full sized bed in the center, with a side table on each side. He had a small monitor hooked up to an PS3, and two bean bag chairs at the foot of his bed. He kept it exceptionally clean for a teenage boy.

They both lay down, and Riley snuggles up to him. She could feel his heart beating fast. She took a little bit of comfort in knowing that he was nervous too.

They both drifted off.

“Oh this is just too good!”

A voice woke them both up after only an hour of napping. It was Lucas’ older sister Jenna.

“What are you doing here?” Said Lucas, jolting up.

“Um, I live here?”

“No, you live at school.”

“Oh relax, I just came by to do some laundry. Laundromats in the city are expensive. What are you two doing? Taking friendly naps together now?”

“No, well not as friends anyways.”

“You didn’t tell your sister?” Riley aks.

“I haven’t had time, I’m sorry. Jenna, Riley and I are dating now.”

“Well it’s about damn time. All you two were doing was trying to take a quick snooze right?”

“Yes, and we have like another couple of hours so-”

“Say no more, I’ll leave. Just remember I’m home, so no funny business.”

“Wasn’t planning on it. Please close the door.” Lucas says as Jenna leaves. “Sorry about that, you know how protective she can get.”

“Yeah I do know. Can you believe she’s almost done with college?”

“Definitely crazy. I’m totally awake now.”

“I don’t know, I feel like I could sleep a little longer.”

“Would you mind if I turn the TV on? I have Netflix hooked up.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

Lucas puts on The Office while Riley snuggles up to the crook of his neck. She watches him watch the TV. Lucas had the post beautiful jawline she had ever seen. In this moment, Riley imagined herself a few years down the line with her love. She could see them both going to college in the same city, and eventually getting an apartment together. She could see them crawling into bed together after a long day, and doing exactly what they were doing in this moment.

Lucas looks down and makes eye contact with Riley.

“What are you thinking about?” He asks.

“Oh, nothing special.”

[saranel]

I wish I had a funny Eurovision post to add to the party, but my day has been an emotional rollercoaster.  

(cut for long, sad post, but with a hopeful ending)

Our little fur baby isn't doing so well tonight.  It all started at 7pm, or rather that's when I noticed it.  There were signs earlier that something wasn't going well, but since the kitten was his lively self up until his previous feeding at 4, we didn't find cause for concern.

I tried to wake him up at 7 for his feeding and saw that the poor thing had soiled himself. Which isn't in itself cause for alarm or strange given his developmental stage, but anyone who knows cats knows how much they hate lying in filth.  They have a deep-seated instinct to keep themselves clean and scent-free, so the fact that our lil' buddy was in the exact position I'd put him to sleep in, soiled and not moving away from the mess, was worrying.  When I tried to clean him up he barely fought it, when he usually scratches the living hell out of me during this part of the feeding ritual. He just lay there in my hand, lethargic, and when I tried to feed him, he wouldn't even open his mouth.  No meowing, no cries, nothing.  He could barely even hold his little head up and his eyes were glassy and open, unseeing.

I called the vet immediately while I frantically googled whatever I could think of: how to warm him up quickly (very important for newborn kittens; they can't regulate it themselves and won't eat if they're not warm), how to elicit a response, all the while going through everything I'd done that day in my head to see where I might've messed up.  The vet instructed me to keep him warm and try to feed him again; if I couldn't get him to eat in half an hour or so, I should bring him over. Which we did.

A brief note here: newborn kittens are very prone to diarrhea.  It can be set off by any number of things, from a virus to overfeeding to nothing whatsoever, exactly like SIDS in human babies.  The problem with diarrhea is that it dehydrates the kitten, it grows hypothermic, and from there it can all easily go downhill very quickly.

The vet did everything he could, hydrating him, giving him glucose for energy, and even asked for our permission to administer an antibiotic that hasn't been tested for kittens his age, but worked for his own kitten when it went through the exact same thing our lil' Kisuke is going through.  We agreed, of course, and the vet also got him to eat a little bit via syringe, by massaging his throat to help him swallow.

I don't think I can adequately describe the feeling of helplessness that seeped into my bones, as I watched the tiny little body that was so full of energy only hours ago lie limp on that table, barely responsive.  The vet reiterated that nothing we did or didn't do caused this, but it's hard at that moment, not to play the blame game: should I have waited longer for his mother when I first found him? Should I have waited less and rescued him sooner? Should we have measured his meals even more carefully? Should we have bought better, more expensive formula? Should we have been even more thorough when sterilizing his bottle?

It's a pointless game, but it gives you something to do, something to control, when you're told that it's now all a waiting game. The vet told us the next 24 hours were critical, and especially the first 12: if the kitten didn't show improvement in that first half day, things would likely not get better.  That is, assuming he even made it that far.

We drove back home crushed, our tiny kitten wrapped up in a towel over the hot bottle, still unmoving, eyes closed, his mouth moving weakly in soundless meows.  

I replaced all the towels in his nest with fresh ones, then made a cozy spot for him to lie in.  The big, furry plushie I'd put into his nest as a comforting presence was originally dismissed without a second thought by the kitty, but as I positioned him right above the hot water bottle and tried to keep him warm and insulated from all sides, I put it back in.  I guess it was a Hail Mary pass, of sorts.  If you can't control the physical, maybe you can do something about the psychological, right?  And as much as I love this little creature, there is nothing more I can do; I'm a poor substitute for his mommy.  But maybe the plushie could help remind him of her, give him the strength to fight this. He took to it in a way he hadn't before, so whether it was for warmth, or indeed the illusion of another cat snuggled up next to him, it helped.

We couldn't keep our eyes off him for the next few hours, trying not to get our hopes up every time he gave a little twitch or jerk of life.  As the 2 hour mark got closer, when we'd been instructed to try feeding him, he was improving.  He was rolling around on his towel, stretching, yawning, and even tried to explore a bit as he usually did previously, though admittedly not with the same energy.  When he grabbed onto that bottle and fed like his life depended on it, I nearly cried. He meowed, he moved shakily on his little legs, he groomed himself and us, and is now acting more or less like a slightly more tired version of himself (understandable, after everything he went through).

We can't relax quite yet, he has many more hours to go and could just as easily regress, but his rapid improvement is definitely a positive sign.  There's no way I'm sleeping, of course, but at least I can keep vigil with a renewed sense of hope.

Before administering the antibiotic, the vet had given us one more warning: that on his own kitten, it had left a small, permanent bald spot where no fur had ever grown again.  Small price to pay, of course, considering the alternative, but I can't help but be reminded of our kitten's resilient, battle-scarred namesake.

Perhaps we chose a far more fitting name than we originally thought.

I can only hope.