#i wish i didnt cancel my therapy appt for next weeeeeeek i thought i didnt need it bc i had one yesterday.

[fltwoodsmonster]

rare vent post bc im feeling insane

idk ive been so so so so busy in lab this summer which normally would be great except my prelim is in September and so im stuck constantly feeling like im not doing enough studying and my memory is still soo bad so i need to review things but i need to READ things before I can think about reviewing them. and my prelim written portion revisions are due a week from tomorrow and ik ill turn it in no problem but i feel like i am NOT ready for my prelim itself, i feel like i know nothing and im going to fail bc my memory is so bad and im really bad at remembering the names of authors and citing shit off the top of my head and im SO busy and i dont feel like i have enough time to prepare but also i just want to get this shit over with and also i want to bash my skull in with a metal bad and also i want to drop out but not really only bc i feel so anxious about my prelim. oh my god. im so anxious about my prelim.

and im on a weed break tonight because ive been smoking a lot more lately but also its like the only way ive been able to turn my brain off and actually RELAX after work, but the fact that i want to do it so often makes me feel like im getting addicted to it (is 4 puffs a night of a THC vape a lot??? i dont actually know!!!!) or that others are gonna judge me for it but also i just want to be able to turn off my brain after having it on all day long. i cant tell if im relying on it too much or relying on it medicinally and its really helping or if i just suck ass stink head bad self control and just want to smoke weed. idk if im being too catholic about this.

ALSO im almost certain im either coming out of or still experiencing a depressive spike recently bc im eating and sleeping a lot more and i dont have a ton of interest in anything rn (recently alleviated by finally draw a bit again which is a good sign) but im also like okay should i try to see abt getting my antidepressants increased???? but also we're tight on money this month so i dont want to go to the doctor bc that costs money aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

in summary, i feel like this

also my birthday is next week but i couldnt give less of a crap bc im so busy. three cheers for being in ur late 20s! aahhghhhh