#i wish USPS was on my side and didn’t hate me but whatever.

[goosetowns]

i did some paintings for my best friends for christmas :333 felt like sharing hehe

pls for the love of god ignore the canvas texture but yk. i don’t pick the medium it picks me.

a magical home for my darling wife @saintboniface

and the one that took the most out of me for my beloved beastie daughter @prettyinpunk 🌙❤️

[jlf23tumble]

Four Hangout: Recap

Oh, man, I know I “owe” this one, so I’m doing it, but I hate it for about 15 different reasons, 14 of those being Ben Winston, which means I’m gonna keep this fairly short. The Four Hangout (lmao, I will never stop laughing at the attempts to team up with Google’s shitty tech) predates my entry into this fandom, so I’m not as on top of every little thing that happened around it (and my god, there were some doozies). I’ve found other posts that do a better job of transcribing some key moments), but I’m sure lots of others are out there, and as ever, I recommend taking 35 minutes to stare at this work of art for yourself.

Whenever I’ve seen gifs from this, the read is that at least two people are coming off a coke bender as we all focus on Ben’s rather ham-fisted attempt to get Louis to admit that he hates people thinking he’s gay. But in rewatching it in full now and knowing more about the context around it, the true vibe is exhaustion mixed with some very real anger/mulishness aimed at management in general and Ben in particular. Because the point of the Four Hangout isn’t to promote Four, the album, but to exonerate the D’s management team, blow smoke up Ben’s ass, and “clear the air” about whatever rumors have been going around that the D’s team doesn’t like, all posed as questions theoretically from the fans, yet weirdly management focused.

I’ve found lots of good blog posts that summarize these 35 or so minutes, but here’s an executive summary of my comments coupled with others I’ve found:

Ben Winston is an insufferable dick

The D is so fucking TIRED at this point, everyone’s low energy, but Louis’s voice is the softest, raspiest, most enchanting thing

They regularly creep on social media and are up on pretty much everything fandom related

There are no rumors they need to dismiss except that they’re currently alive, go on, ask them twice!

Liam is great at delivering the corporate spiel

Harry really did get them sneezes out

The Louis/Ben feud is one thing; the Harry/Ben feud is a whole other

Louis reads fanfic (and has some faves!)

Narry are ride or die WMYB, except for when Harry needs to have a go at Ben

Zayn has somehow made himself look even more godlike

Louis has super cute socks

With that in mind, let’s jump into some key moments, but I’m paraphrasing a lot because it’s so hard to hear over all the cross-talk, asides, and inside jokes. More under the cut!

Shout out to Louis's collarbones and quiff combo...his voice is about to give out, but he’s so OPEN and present for this total shitshow, even when he defiantly refuses to take the path he’s being guided down. Also, please @ god let me play some poker while we enjoy a bacon butty over brunch, his face as Niall introduces Ben as a “very, very good friend of ours” (me as both Ziam and Harry):

One of the most subversive things this band does is effusive praise when they’re pissed off, and never is it clearer than here, when Niall gushes on about all the wonderful work Ben has done for them, and the other boys pick up on it and start whistling and clapping (Louis: “My hero”; Harry: “LOOK AT THOSE TEETH!”) until Ben gets extremely uncomfortable.

We’re off to a good start, with Ben being sure to preface that all of these questions are from the fans, and then Harry asking Ben if he’s wearing makeup (Ben, mildly affronted, “No, I’m not wearing any makeup, but you guys do, you wear a lot of makeup, don't you, Harry” [Harry: “Tons”; Ben: “Well, you need to”]).

The first question is about the difference between this album and their first one, and it’s such a stupid, easy question that I want to answer it for Niall because I can do it in my sleep. Ben then asks Louis if he likes visiting the X Factor, if it reminds him of the old days (you know, four years ago), and AGAIN, this is a dumb-ass question, and Louis’s a pro, so what do you think he’s gonna say? (Of course he likes visiting, it’s lovely to go down and relive it). Is Harry nervous about playing there again tonight? Nope, it’s fun!! He can enjoy it this time around! Simon Cowell doesn’t give him ANY anxiety!!

The next question is about the simplicity of the old days, and my god, does my heart break for Liam saying that they had to work really hard back then, so it’s nice that four years later, they get a few more vacation days. Louis agrees, adding that the first American promo trip was a grind where they did 10 things a day (multiple interviews, signings, radio appearances, rehearsals, and shows)

Ben asks if they ever go back and watch clips of themselves from their early days (this genuinely does seem like a fan ask), and wouldn’t you know, Niall was just chillin’ out last week, rewatching all the video diaries again. Louis admits that his red trousers and braces were loud, but they worked for the time, “Or do you disagree, Ben?” (Ben: “No, I loved it.” Louis: “Thank you.”) And I wish I could travel back in time both so I could kill Hitler AND witness Ben showing up somewhere in a pair of Toms, only to be faced by Louis Tomlinson telling him that he wore that style two years ago, and he wouldn’t anymore, which Ben says cut him down to size (I highly doubt that, but I would have love to see it).

All of this fashion talk is side-winding into a question about who tells them what to wear and whether they have control over their image now. They all note that they wouldn’t have dared to push back in year one, presumably because “experts” were telling them what to do, plus it was all free (which makes all the dragging on their old looks extra fun to watch). Then Ben asks whether they make their own decisions now, and Liam says yeah as Louis smirks, lmaooooo, which morphs into, well, we have much more input than we used to have. I’m here for Harry giving a slow, long-winded answer as a construction project starts up somewhere in the studio, and Louis yells, “Keep it down” into his mic.

Ben, I mean, the fans want to know what piece of advice they’d give the fetus versions of themselves, if they could go back in time, and Louis advises his younger self to have a second glance in the mirror and see if he’s really sure about that particular outfit. (Ben: “Is that…really?” Louis: “No, Ben, I’m just trying to make a joke.”). Liam would fight the haircuts, and Harry would burn the supras (I’m assuming; Louis: “They were outrageous”). Zayn would tell his younger self to have a bit more fun, to try and take it all in and enjoy it more. :(

“The fans” are curious about the negative side of social media, how the D just exploded on YouTube and Twitter after X Factor, and does it ever go too far? Liam channels my inbox and says that people forget there’s a person on the other side of an anon message, that these guys see all the things that are said about them, and they’re self-conscious with cameras and comments, but it’s okay, they put up with it. Louis’s addicted to Twitter, and says that there are negative people there, but you’ll find negative people on every social media platform and in real life, too, it is what it is.

Of course, “the fans” are curious about how all this social media shit affects their girlfriends, and I would kill to hear more about what Narry, the two singles on this couch, keep giggling about in this ridick convo that I’m not even gonna bother to sum up.

Ben’s curious how the fans always manage to leak everything the band does, and yes, Louis, tell us more! How does it make you feel? Liam thinks it’s anticlimactic, Niall’s only beef is when something is leaked a week before it’s out, and everyone else just gets annoyed if it breaks the structure of a rollout, but nobody talks about songs that are leaked that were never meant for official release (cough cough, "Home”), and Harry’s just happy people get a sneak peek and then still buy the album, so all is good. Me as this exchange: Ben, incredulously, “It’s amazing they’re able to constantly do it”; Liam: “Lots of high-tech people out there.”

Probably my favorite part of this is the fanfic discussion, which kicks off with Ben’s “I've noticed, not that I’ve read it, but there's been a lot of fanfiction published about you boys, books published, have you any read it?”

Zayn avoids it at all costs, but Louis’s aware of a fic writer’s book deal (who????) and says that he’s come across some of it on twitter (!!!). He finds some of it utterly bizarre (looking at you, self-inserts), but he’s read some nice little stories, and he’s seen some that go very deep and very, very weird. Liam acknowledges that it’s a whole different world, that he gets the idea of it, of fans putting themselves in situations with them (and Jesus Christ, it kills me that they’ve had to read self-insert wattpad fics), but some of it blows his mind. Niall doesn’t know where to go looking for it, but don’t worry friend, Ben’s gonna hook you up with his favorites! Harry is noticeably quiet during ALL of this.

With a horrible segue, Ben says, “Speaking of things that are made up, what’s the biggest rumor you’ve heard about yourself, this is a question lots of fans are asking” (SURE THING), and Harry never gets enough credit for his dry delivery, such as the way he says, “We’ve all been dead a couple of times.” But Ben can’t let it go, and that’s when Louis does his whole, “No”….dramatic pause (he might be saying “Go,” but the point is, he lets this bit drop where it lands). Zayn jumps in with the rumor that Niall used to be a jockey, and god bless him, honestly.

Ben realizes he’s not getting anywhere with this, so it’s time to move on to the actual album, why is it called Four, etc. It’s not really all that interesting, tbh, nor is the name they didn’t go with as a band (Liam’s dad’s suggestion, which was USP, if you’re curious). Liam figures USP will flourish one day, and this whole section proves how funny Liam actually is. I’m curious about all the One Direction tribute bands they’re mentioning, and I’m totally down to check one out if they’re ever in my area, just fwiw.

Anyway, moving on! What song are they most proud of? Zayn loves “Where Do Broken Hearts Go,” and Louis is WAY into “Fireproof,” which Liam’s down with, too. The part that’s interesting gets glossed over because Ben’s an idiot, but they talk about how many songs they’ve written that don’t make it to the album, like, Liam has a tattoo that says “somewhere is a place that nobody knows” from a song we’ll never hear called “Man on a Mission,” and how many others are stored in this vault (23 or 24 were in the final running for this album, where are they)? Harry suggests those songs will be on USP’s first album, and I will absolutely buy it. His story about the Norway bus trip makes me want to dig deep (he was on a party bus in Norway and heard one of their songs, sung by them, that had never been released anywhere, and he was the only one who knew it).

Zayn hints a bit at what happens (voting), and Liam hints at all the meetings, but I would love to know so much more about this process, especially since Niall says that lots of people are in these meetings, with lots of opinions (Simon, label, other managers).

Ben says that another recurring question is about what “Stockholm Syndrome” means, and I love the Alex Turner-esque dodge we get on Harry literally describing what Stockholm Syndrome means, without any real insight into what the song’s about. Still, I live in the awkward that happens right after this drops, with Ben still somehow trying to get them to admit they don’t feel trapped, lmao:

Ben asks about which songs are about specific people, and god, I don’t care because all of this section is lies. Then he tries to get them to talk about songs they don’t like, and they aren’t here for that, like, Liam will say he can’t casually listen to WMYB, but he loves performing it, and the best part of this is Harry saying he’ll crank that song and mouth along, pretending that he’s Niall.

For their favorite songs, Liam goes with “Fireproof,” Louis goes with “Midnight Memories,” Niall goes with “Where Do Broken Hearts Go,” Zayn can’t pick one, and Harry says “Best Song Ever.” Ben likes “Through the Dark” because of course he does, and that’s when the needling from Harry starts about “Gotta Be You,” and I don’t understand, but I live for him on the attack, so geddit, son (also, Niall, with his “your boyfriend’s back, and you’re gonna be in trouble,” etc., YES).

Another question Ben kept getting from fans (got it!) is what would be the one thing they’d change in the past four years, and Louis starts with, “Why would you want to? It’s been great, there’s no point.” Liam agrees, and that’s that. Ben’s next question is what moment they’d relive in the past four years, and Niall says he was really nervous at MSG, although Zayn thinks it was a great gig BECAUSE they were nervous. Nothing’s really happening here, so Ben asks Harry what’s going on with his hair (I guess “the fans” want to know?), and Harry just says it tends to grow, that’s what hair does, and he’s letting it all hang out.

Another “fan” question that makes me laugh from Ben: “Who makes the decisions in One Direction? Is it always your call?” And they all say NO, but Liam jumps in with, “It’s totally us, people ask us now, ultimately we call the shots,” and there’s a LOT of back-chatter here, so draw what you see.

Ben tries to push how much they love the “Night Changes,” video, and AGAIN, Harry gets on his case about “Gotta Be You,” and someone else covers it better than I ever could, but this goading by Harry is wonderful. Ben’s creative process for video concepts is fascinating because he basically admits that it’s easy or it’s really hard (read: he steals it or just throws a shitty idea to a wall to see if it sticks).

Ben asks if they get nervous about people liking the album, and Louis says they care if critics like the album or not, but really, he’s out there on twitter searching different song titles to see the fan reaction. This is also when we learn they aren’t on ye olde social meeds that much anymore, but they all enjoy a good old-fashioned creep session (Zayn especially). Harry’s comment about feeling vulnerable when you release something you’ve been working on for a year feels especially poignant—he gets excited and nervous all at once—and I really don’t get this whole controlled leak promo thing they did for Four, but who am I to question Modest or Syco?? All I want to know is what Niall’s talking about on the side.

[maylovexhs]

INVISIBLE - PART 4

Author’s Note: I had to push through writer’s block for this. It is a long one and prepare for some crying. Feedback is always appreciated. Enjoy loves xxx M

Tags: @loveway4presidentus

 Invisible Series Masterlist

Masterlist

“Okay, what about this one?” Elma asked, holding up a red dress in her hand.

I cringed at the sight of it. Not that I didn’t hate it, it just didn’t personally fit me. Not to mention it was also flashy, especially in the pelvic area. God, I wished I said no to Harry earlier.  

“I’m not wearing that” I told Elma.

“Oh come on, why not?” Elma asked, putting the dress back on the rack. “You would look good in it. Shows off your legs”

“Yeah, all of my legs” I criticized. “Plus, I’m pretty sure if I bent down, everyone would see my underwear”

“So?” Elma asked, not seeing the point. “Isn’t the point is not to be invisible?”

“Yes” I answered her. “But I’m not supposed to come off as a whore already. Kendall probably already thinks I’m one”

Elma laughed at my words.

“You? A whore?” Elma managed to say while laughing. “I think Kendall has to look at herself before labeling you a whore”

I turned away from Elma and started to walk towards the dressing room.

If she thought picking a dress for an exclusive party that was being held by Gucci was easy, it wasn’t. The fact that everyone else was going to wear designer brands while I was going to wear a dress from an unknown cheap store spoke for itself. I was a nobody going to an all star party. I felt like a nervous Cinderella. Except Cinderella had no fairy godmother who could get her a dress that made her stand out of the crowd. Oh, and that Cinderella’s prince is in love with another woman. Why did I compare myself to a nervous Cinderella again?

“Y/N” Elma called on me.

“What?” I asked, turning around to her.

She held up a short silver sequin dress. It was sparkly. Very sparkly that I would be noticed in less than a second. I wanted to wear it but I was pretty sure I couldn’t pull it off. It was a party-party dress and I wasn’t that girl.

“Put it back” I said.

“Are you kidding?” Elma asked, losing more patience with me. “You have to wear it tonight!”

“No, no” I shook my head at her. “I already have these two dresses in my hand”

“Yeah, two boring dresses” Elma criticized. “You’re really going to limit yourself to a dark blue and black dress? You’re asking to blend in with the crowd”

“But I would feel comfortable tonight” I told her.

“When are you ever comfortable, Y/N?” Elma asked me. “You always let other’s opinions control what you do. Stop being a pushover and for once do what you want”

I raised my eyebrows at her.

I wasn’t a pushover. Sure, I cared about what others say but who doesn’t? As for my clothes, I rather choose comfort over style. If I had to pick between an ugly comfortable dress than an itchy nice dress, I’d pick the first choice. I wear what I want to wear.

“I’m not a pushover” I stated. “Put the dress back”

“Y/N, come on” Elma begged. “Just try it on. I’ll stop annoying you if you do”

Just to try it on? All for Elma to stop annoying me?

I looked to Elma who was moving her front strands of her hair back. I sighed in defeat, knowing I couldn’t pass up this offer.

“Give me the dress”

“Say cheese!” Elma said, holding her phone up at me.

I pouted my lips at her, placing my hand on my hip.

Comfort over style. Comfort over style. Comfort over style. I think I jinxed myself with that.

For the record, I was wearing the dress Elma picked out for me. Surprisingly, the dark blue dress I tried on was too tight on me and there wasn’t one in another bigger size. As for the black dress, it was itchy. That left me to try on the sequin dress. Of course, it fit and it was comfortable to wear. I wanted to look for other dresses to wear after trying it on but Elma promised if I did she would continue to annoy me. So, I ended up buying the dress and now here I was wearing it. Elma thought I should have some pictures of myself all dressed up before Harry picked me up.

Yes, Harry was picking me up. As much as I didn’t want him to see me in this dress, he thought it would make sense if we arrived together. He believed I would definitely be let in as his plus one if he was there was beside me. I understood where he was coming from. Anyone could go to a party and claim they were a plus one and expect to get in. Harry was just making sure I would.

“Don’t pout” Elma said. “Just pose like you’re in a magazine. Pose like Naomi Campbell”

I looked up, bursting out in laughter. For some odd reason when Elma brought up Naomi Campbell, it reminded me of that funny interview Naomi shaded Kendall in. I knew I shouldn’t be laughing but that reminder that an iconic and legendary model shaded and didn’t like Kendall made me feel better. I guessed I was happy that someone like Naomi didn’t like Kendall too.

“I got it” Elma said, zooming in on her phone. “You look so hot here”

I walked over to Elma and looked at the picture.

Hot? I didn’t see myself as hot. The picture only showed off my body and smile. Speaking of body, I should bring a jacket with me. Or at least, something to cover up in case. 

I jumped and almost tripped when I heard the buzzing sound of my apartment bell ringing. I looked to my alarm clock.

7:15 PM.

Harry said he would be here at 7:20. It couldn’t be Harry ringing my apartment. He called me first last time and he wouldn’t come upstairs. Not when we had some place to be. I doubt he would come upstairs to escort me out. It was probably a USPS package. I ordered a new tripod last week.

I looked to Elma.

“Can you check who it is?” I asked her. “I have to get a jacket”

“Yeah, yeah” Elma said as she walked away from me and out of my room.

I walked over to my closet, opening it. I moved hangers of dresses and cardigans to get to the back where all my jackets were. I took out two jackets. One in dark black and one in pearl white. I didn’t know which one I would look better in. White would match my dress but it would be too much. Black might take more attention away from my dress. I held the two jackets in my hands and walked over to my mirror.

I tried on the black jacket first. I looked like I was wearing a jacket that a boyfriend would have leant me. I bet Kendall would be happy thinking I had a boyfriend when I didn’t. I took off the black jacket and threw it onto my bed. I tried on the white one. The jacket was eye-catching. Eye-catching but blinding. I took the jacket off. I needed Elma’s advice. Speaking of Elma, where was she? It doesn’t take this long to press a button to let someone in.

“Elma!” I called her name out.

“Yeah?” I heard her say along with the sound of footsteps in the hallway.

I expected her to walk into my room.

“Which jacket should I wear tonight?” I asked without looking to my bedroom door.

“Hmm. . .I like the white one” I heard Harry’s voice.

Wait. Harry’s voice?

I turned around to my bedroom door to see Harry standing in the doorway. I froze in the sight of him. I stood corrected. Harry actually came upstairs to escort me out when we on a time limit. He was a true gentleman. I felt like an idiot not thinking he would.

I blushed in embarrassment and looked to Harry.

“Thanks . . .and hi!” I said to him, trying to play it cool. “You look amazing”

He looked more than amazing. He looked like an angel. He dressed like one. He wore a light blue suit and a sea green shirt underneath. His suit highlighted his lush woodland eyes. His eyes effortlessly held onto my gaze, never breaking contact. I didn’t even notice Elma was standing behind him until she spoke.

“Kinda agree with Harry” Elma said. “It would match”

I smiled to her. Harry took a few steps towards me, looking at my dress.

“Nice dress” Harry complemented. “Yeh look fabulous”

I blushed.

“Really?” I asked. “You like it?”

“Love it” Harry answered with a sincere smile.

At least I wasn’t seen as a whore to him. Well, he didn’t say so yet.

“I think I should go” Elma said to us as she backed out of the doorway. “I’ll let myself out”

Harry and I turned to her. Before she walked away into the hallway, she gave us a not so subtle wink. I wanted to kill her for doing that.

“Did she jus’t wink at us?” Harry asked, looking to me.

“Yeah. . .” I said, pushing the right side of my hair back behind my ear as I tried to hide my embarrassment. “She usually isn’t like that”

“Eh, she seems pretty nice to me’h” Harry said.

I smiled, looking down.

He always sees the best in everyone. Even if that person is Kendall Jenner.

I looked up to him.

“Umm. .Should we go?”

“H!” Kendall called him, running over to us with her arms out. “I’ve been waiting for you!”

She hugged Harry which he happily accepted. They both tightly wrapped their arms around each other’s waist. Kendall kissed him on the cheek.

Somehow, I wasn’t tearing up. Maybe I didn’t have enough tears in me anymore after crying them all out in the past few days. Or maybe it was my expectation of them to have their hands all over each other tonight. Whatever it was, I was just happy I wasn’t the one making a scene.

They both pulled away from each other. Harry smiled with his eyes sparkling at her.

“Told yeh it would be quick darlin” Harry said.

Darling. I may have not wanted to cry but I did want to puke. It made me sick that he was calling her that. I think I could never hear the word darling without remembering this moment.

Kendall turned to me, looking at my dress. She gave me a fake smile. I could tell the smile was fake. With the amount of times I faked smile before, it was easy to recognize when someone else gave one. She was probably trying to hide the fact that she hated my dress.

“Y/N, I love your dress” Kendall complimented, lying. “I have a similar one from my 21st birthday”

I knew which dress she was talking about. She wore a silver dress for her birthday party that was entirely made from little crystals. Mine didn’t have crystals. Neither was mine a thousand dollars.

“Oh, thanks” I told her. “I got it last minute”

“Y/N, is that you?” I heard Hailey say somewhere in the distance.

I turned around to see Hailey approaching me. She was smiling from excitement. She was surprised that I was here.

“Hey” I smiled at her.

“Hi!” Hailey said, greeting me with a hug. “How are you? You look amazing”

“Thanks” I said to her. “How are you?”

She let go of me, pulling away.

“I’m great!” She answered. “But look at you! You’re doing better”

I blushed from her compliment.

I could tell from the corner of my eye Harry was smiling, watching us. I didn’t care much to as what Kendall was doing. I had a feeling she wanted me gone though.

“Yeah. It’s a cute dress” Kendall added. “I bet your boyfriend is jealous you’re out tonight”

I turned around to her. I raised my eyebrow at her, being a bit offended. Not that she assumed I had a boyfriend, which I didn’t. But the idea I would be with someone who was jealous of everything I did. I knew I could seem like a pushover sometimes, but I would never let myself be in that situation.

“I actually don’t have a boyfriend” I corrected her. “And I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be with someone who was jealous of what I did. That’s too controlling”

Harry looked to me, being a bit surprised with what I just said. Kendall let out a small laugh, trying to play off what had happened. Hailey was as surprised as Harry.

I didn’t mean to act like a bitch but what Kendall said really offended me. I mean, if she was going to put anyone with a jealous person, she might as well say Harry with herself first. Kendall was very controlling of Harry and jealous of everyone who he was with. She practically tried to control Harry and get him not to take me here when Hailey suggested it. Even before New York, she was controlling and jealous. There were times she was backstage with Harry and she shot me eyes to stay away. Of course, I did back then. Now, I couldn’t care less.

“Kenny!” We heard Bella called Kendall from the distance.

I decided I should go get away for a minute for everyone to calm down. It would be a good idea to get a drink.

I turned to Hailey.

“I’m going to get a drink” I told her.

“Okay” Hailey said, nodding her head.

I walked away without looking at Harry.

I couldn’t believe Kendall had the audacity to say that. What was more worse is that I couldn’t believe that Harry did nothing to defend me. Harry. The person who wants others to treat people with kindness did nothing. Nothing. He did fucking nothing. Nothing for a ‘friend’.

I shook my head, trying to shrug off the whole situation. I walked over to the bar and ordered myself a Sangria. I placed my phone on the bar table. I turned my attention to the group. I looked at Harry who was talking amongst everyone. Kendall was whispering to Bella, probably of what had just happened.

I regretted saying yes to Harry when he asked me to come. I regretted meeting up with Harry in New York. In fact, I regretted meeting Harry. I regretted all this time I spent on him. Wishing I could be close to him. Wishing he would notice me. Wishing that for one day and realize that the thing he had been missing all along was right before him. Wishing for that to be me.

It never was though. It was never going to be me. Harry would never go for a girl who was invisible like me. He only saw people who were like him. People who can hold a conversation with him because they understood. People who were easy going and didn’t want to cause any trouble. People who could actually fulfill his expectations easily. I wasn’t one of those people. I was never going to be one of those people. He was never going to see me as one of those people. I needed to accept that. Yet, I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I’m so fucking in love with Harry. I’m so fucking in love with Harry that I’m afraid to move on. I’m afraid to do anything anymore. My love for him consumed me.

I turned and looked away when I noticed Bella saw me looking. I looked down to my drink.

Great, now Bella is going to tell Kendall and Kendall is going to act like a bigger bitch to me. I’ve fucked myself over again.

I drank some of my Sangria. before deciding to look in the direction of Harry again. I looked up and turned my head to see not only Bella but as well as Kendall was looking at me. Kendall was smirking in a sinister fashion and turned her head to Harry. She placed her hand on Harry’s cheek, cupping it. Harry turned to her, confused and taken back by what she was doing. My heart began to beat faster as Kendall leaned in closer to Harry. Before I knew it, she pressed her lips onto his.

I wanted to look away but I couldn’t. I stood there, paralyzed in fear as I watched Kendall make out with him. Everything became a blur except them two. I didn’t feel tears roll down at all. I didn’t realize my breathing became sharp and irregular. I didn’t care if anyone else was looking at me. All I knew and could understand that Harry was kissing someone else. 

Someone else that wasn’t me.

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 15- “that’s the name of the game” -Lily

FINAL FIVE!!!   Okay, I think I would have rather had Autumn go this round but... Kevin DID need to go.  He, Autumn and Lily are HUGE threats and in all honesty I think that Chips and Juls are pretty big threats too.  I mean, they have both won an immunity anyway.  I can see anyone left winning the entire thing. Whatever immunity is I am going to work my ASS off for it.

2 minutes later

Also as soon as tribal was over I apologized to Chips but told him I knew Kevin was going to be the one going SJFLJF.  I feel like I also need to touch base with Autumn to let her know I knew what was going on but I don't want her to let it slip to Lily or anyone that I am trying to play all sides right now.   If Autumn wins immunity I think I'm going to TRY to talk people into a Lily vote... IDK, it is a risky move but I feel like it has to be done if I want to be serious about this thing and try to win.  

I feel like every time I come to write here I’m just like wow this is the most wild game I’ve played and I’m having so much fun. It still absolutely sucks to go to tribal. I hate lying. I hate the anxiety. But that’s the name of the game. I need to survive and try to make it out of this thing feeling proud with how I’ve played. I can’t believe we are at F5 and I have a decent shot of making it to the end. At this point, I’m not sure what my ideal F3 is. My main goal is to get there. Kevin really played this game socially, strategically, and physically in the challenges so it’s nice feeling like there is more of a level playing field. My heart wants to take ruthie with me to the end but ultimately I think we would split votes. If I go to the end with autumn and chips, I think autumn would likely get votes for her social and strategic game. She was able execute several last minute votes. Chips could get some votes on his ability to adapt to the game and survive so many tribals and votes. Juls is a fighter I can tell but our games weren’t as connected and she was seen as more chaotic. I think another option I have is potentially working with juls and Ruthie on this next votes to split up autumn and chips. I like that I have options but I don’t want those options to come back and bite me. I’m excited for this next immunity and hope I can pull off a win! Catch me tomorrow in this confessional writing about how I didn’t win.... but fingers are still crossed baby! Whew. Will I figure out what I’m doing? Maybe!???!!!?!!?

Okay, so I've found 50 items and I feel like there has to be AT LEAST 100.  I could be very wrong but I'm going to try my hardest to find as much as I possibly can.  I NEED A WIN!!!

9 hours later

UGHHH I didn't even get close to 100.  I'm scared that I'm not going to win but I have a little bit of hope!  I am SO NERVOUS.  I NEED THIS WIN if I want to make it to the end and possibly win.  I feel like I worked very hard for this one so we'll see. 

20 minutes later

I AM SO EXCITED!!! YAY I WON SOMETHING!!!  I'm am SHOCKED with how close everyones scores were and I literally found 'jewels' RIGHT before we were told to lock in.  I NEEDED this so bad, okay I feel like I at least accomplished a little thing and I HAVE MADE FINAL FOUR, WOO!!!   As for the vote...  I'm not sure what I'm doing, I still think Autumn NEEDS to go and I think Lily can help me get her out. Maybe.  We'll see!  I'm not going to stress about the vote tonight and just see what happens!  FINAL FOUR, YAY!!!! 

30 minutes later

I really think I am going to work with Lily this round and try to talk her into getting out Autumn.  I told her and Juls I was heading to bed but I'm hoping that maybe the three of us can work together to get Autumn out, but if Lily has a better suggestion I would be down to listen to it.   I'm interested to hear what Chips and Autumn will suggest because I feel like if I DID NOT win I would have been the one going home.  I am kind of wondering if they are going to try to go for Lily this round.  I have a lot of thinking to do about my end game.  I definitely think that Lily is my biggest competition right now but we have both kind of snaked people in the game and have played similarly so maybe it would be best to go together?  I'm not sure.   At this point I think that anyone is worthy of the win but I think I would personally vote for Lily to win against anyone left if I was a juror. 

Well....I got those nervous butterflies in my stomach. NOT in the good way. I guess this is what I get for playing the game I have. I've done what I could to try and stay out of the limelight and keep the focus off of me, but with Ruthie immune I'm nervous for the worst. Talked to Chips this morning and he said he was worried about going but I assured him he would be okay and that we would talk to Autumn about voting Juls. I talk to Ruthie she sounds like she wants to vote Autumn, I state how that would be smart to do now. Ruthie comes back and says that Juls wants to vote me out with Autumn and Chips. BIG EEP. I talk to Autumn she says she is down to vote Juls. Are Chips and Autumn playing me so good right in front of my face? I sure hope not! Can't say I'm not nervous for this one. If I go tonight, I'll be proud with the game I played but disappointed to be cut just short. I want to try and remind Autumn of what she said to me a few rounds back about keeping strong players that we want to fight with at the end. I hope that sways her to keep me around vs Juls who didn't put up her best effort at this last challenge. And if Chips is playing me rn like this DANNGGGGGGGGG. This is the most nervous I've been this season and I've been nervous this whole thing. haha Hoping I can continue my fight and convince others to keep me along for another round. Shout out to Ruthie having my back 100%. I don't honestly think I deserve it, but I love and stan the loyalty. Wish me luck poor, sweet confessional?

we are reaching the end of the game um.. shakes. i’ve literally lost pretty much ALL of my allies but i’m hoping that if no one is lying to me that i skate by to f4.. and depending on who wins final immunity.. f3. cause rn i think chips/autumn want a gryffindor final three which i am a-okay with because i genuinely think i could still have a shot at winning HHHH autumn is a kick ass player but i think i’ve really proven myself so i just really want this chance because i believe i’ve been playing such a good game. 

Me loving Lily right after Final 6: 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_J09-aQPeeGEEfoE2F7G9OlNEG4YrnW2/view?usp=sharing 

Also me in Final 5: 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1FyTOlAIf_4w0RrEE9wXxjbNXsSWwpo7j/view?usp=sharing

Alright! The vote went successfully! No powers played!! And then a weird vote split?? The immunity was find as much as you can on the blog and then you can win if you find more than everyone else. I tried... AND LOST BY ONE! Anyway Ruthie is immune and the vote is for Lily this round I'm pretty sure. I think there's some discourse so far as whether it would be between her and Juls and then it's looking like Lily and Ruthie want to vote Autumn.. it's a whirlwind. If I'm being perfectly honest this should be the round I vote out Autumn because it would give me the best chance at winning the season. But also if I'm being honest I kind of don't mind if she wins? Anyway, I don't know entirely what I will do. I'm kind of on the fence at this point. Do I stick it out with my ally or turn on her and cut her in cold blood? I could almost maybe get away with blaming the vote on Juls but I don't think that's going to work out for me. 

[hirakdesherrani]

Double standards re: Annika and Gauri

Now this is not a bashing post, (or even if it is who cares, its my blog and I can write whatever I want) or yet another comparison post. I love both of these characters, despite the shitty and mostly inconsistent writing (especially in case of Gauri). Maybe I love Gauri a bit more, but that’s mainly ‘cos Shrenu is a superior performer. 

This is just to let out a year of frustration at the writers and the petty fandom BS when it comes to these two, so that I don’t carry this venom with me into the next year. 

My grudge is more againt the fandom than the writers because the writers did give a chance to Gauri to shine in some places, but again the petty fandom BS. At least the Shivika fandom is not divided into Shivaay v/s Annika; unfortunately for Gauri, its the Omkara fandom which bashes her the most because they just can’t accept that Om is not perfect, and undeserving of anyone, let alone Gauri. 

Anyways, so launching into it straightaway, lets start with the writers. The writers have in a major way been much more meherbaan on Annika than Gauri. Annika was explored for almost 140 episodes before Shivaay forcibly married her. What about Gauri? She was married off to Omkara in the 11th episode, and more or less her story starts from there. In fact, to be very honest the audience got to see only two episodes of Gauri’s life before Kali Thakur wreaks her life. The audience never got to see Gauri’s life at all. The only things audience got to know about Gauri is that she is adopted, she loves her mother and she is a devotee of Shankarji. And these three things Gauri shares with probably 80 million people in India. What makes up her character and who she is was not explored at all. Its like Gauri’s story started when she married Omkara. And she was immediately judged as a doormat and regressive and other assorted nonsense (which I will deal with later in the post). 

On the other hand, Annika’s independence was thrust in our faces for almost 150 episodes. The multitude of qualities which make Annika amazing were explored over a period of 5 months. Gauri was never afforded that opportunity in the first place. Annika is ‘khuddar’ and made her way in life without the advantage of naam, khoon and khaandaan. This was the main draw and USP of Annika’s character. Well, Gauri ne kaunsa naam, khoon, khaandaan ka advantage uthaaya hai?!? She is equally self-made and independent in life. But the writers did not spend more than two episodes exploring this. 

Another thing which writers highlighted over and over, was how Annika took care of Sahil and dueled with her nasty Buaaji on a daily basis. Episodes on episodes have been used on highlighting that how despite being an orphan, Annika took the responsibility of a young  Sahil. On the other hand, Gauri has been passed off as someone with a happy childhood. Yeah I imagine her childhood would have been very happy, with her chaacha and chaachi plotting on how much money they could earn when they sold her off. And if someone argues that Gauri had the presence of at least an adoptive mother, toh please, its more likely that Gauri brought her mother up than her mother raising her. Maaaa is probably the most annoying character in DBO’s universe, and let me just say that Sahil is probably one of the most sensible and perceptive character in IBverse, and Annika was lucky to have his support, unlike Gauri who was crippled by the existence of Maaaa and who filled Gauri’s head with nonsense about marriage and duties of wife. 

And now my greatest grudge against writers. Annika is the favorite of several people because she solves all her problems on her own. We have seen a gradual development of Annika’s character, where writers have spend time exploring why Annika is cynical about God, and why she always blames her ‘2Rs kismat’ for her troubles. Well, news flash, Gauri also defeats all evil on her own, and her life has been hella more scary than Annika’s. Gauri has been criticized strongly for her belief in god. Not just by IF/Twitter fandom (who are usually pathetic and crazy) but also by Tumblr fandom. Tumblr biggies initially dismissed Gauri for her ‘holier-than-though’ attitude, and parroting dialogues on faith and belief. 

But here I beg to differ. Gauri’s relationship with her Shankarji is perhaps the purest bond in the whole of IB/DBO universe. Gauri does not pray to Shakarji because its a social obligation or habit bred into her. Shankarji is like Gauri’s godfather. Since, Maaaa was mostly a useless creature, its to Shankarji that Gauri turns to in times of distress, and Shankarji looks after her. Shankarji has always protected her. If Gauri believes in Shankarji, then Shankarji has also responded in kind and looked after her. Yes, Shankarji messed up majorly when he chose Omkara for her, but khair, even God is not above making mistakes. Shankarji could have chosen someone wayyyy better for his chiraiyaa, but maybe Gauri made some Draupadi-esque blunder in her previous life (I hope you guys know the story, if not ask in comments, and I’ll reply), so she got stuck with Omkara. I’ll forever hate the writers for not exploring the Gauri’s dynamics and backstory with Shankarji. In my headcanon, some major incident must have happened when Gauri was young, and Gauri must have prayed to God and Shankarji must have got her out of trouble. Since then Gauri and Shankarji formed an unbreakable bond, which is why Gauri has this unshakeable faith in Shankarji. The writers never explored the reason behind Gauri’s faith and positivity and optimism, allowing the audience and fandoms to be hoodwinked into believing that Gauri was the typical Tulsi-Parvati type of character. I think I’ll be sour about this fact even after the show ends.

Coming to the next fact which annoys me. Now here I can’t blame the writers really. Its the fandom and their elitist notions that irk me. Annika is widely loved for her dictionary and mannerisms. In fact, to be honest michmichi has become part of my dictionary as well. But why is Gauri judged for the way she talks? Just because Annika is from Bombay/Mumbai so she is cool, whereas Gauri hailing from the North Indian belt (UP) is a victim of regionalist bias. Forget the trashy Twitter/IF fandom or the so-called ‘Om Deewaanis’ who suffer from a Pinky complex and believe that Gauri is not good enough for their trash son, but even sensible Tumblr blogs initially bashed Gauri for her linguistic traits. I mean, if you are a South Indian who does not understand half the words Gauri speaks, then is that the character’s fault or your own judgy ass for stereotyping her? (just an instance I came across). The funny thing is that now the same Tumblr blogs have come around to liking Gauri, and now blame others for being classist and elitist. The U-turns on opinions I’ve seen in this show, honestly.

Connecting to my old point about Gauri’s equation with Shankarji, is this other issue where both the writers and the fandom are at fault. The writers couldn’t spend more than two episodes on giving Gauri a proper backstory, but they spent over two months on her Pati parmeshvar nonsense. There were so many other facets to her character which could and should have been highlighted properly: her positivity, her optimism, humor, courage, quick wit, sharp brains. Yes, the writers did highlight those, but with a daily dose of PP jaap which ensured that audience would overlook her better qualities. And jo kasar writers ne chhod di thi, woh fandom ne puri kar di. It literally took an episode for the fandom to typecast her as a doormat. Gauri wan’t devoted to Omkara because he “married” her. Duh uh. Gauri saw Shankarji as her godfather, and in her mind Shankarji sent Omkara to save her. The fact that Omkara shares his name with Shankarji confirmed her belief further. In Gauri’s eyes, Omkara is her guardian angel. So, she easily put him on a pedestal. The fact is that Gauri is devoted to him not because he is her husband, she is devoted to him because she believes that it is her fate, if her God chose Omkara for her, then who is she to deny his choice, and the duties, the ‘patnidharm’ that comes along with it. I believe that if Gauri had married any other guy, under ordinary circumstances then the PP jaap would not be there because she would not have seen him as her savior. 

Another reason why the PP jaap was at its height during the Chulbul phase was because up until then Gauri just saw his good side. In her mind, Omkara was a good guy who valued his servants also, he was humble, down-to-earth, sorta socialist person, who loved his mother, but just suffered from some anger management issues. The fact that Omkara befriended a servant confirmed her belief that Omkara is some modern day socialist hero. But post-the Chulbul reveal in Bareilly where Om left Gauri to die, thats when she came to face the ugly truth of Omkara being a one-eyed, judgmental, hypocritical asshole. In my opinion, thats the reason why Gauri’s PP jaap toned down when she returned to Oberoi mansion. She still kept him on a pedestal but now it was more of an obligation than her own wish. Which is why she kept questioning his hypocrisy whenever given the chance, and pointing out his bullshit mental issues. This is also the reason why she did not waste a moment in leaving the mansion, once she guaranteed that Om is safe (in the DBO finale scene).

But did the fandom understand all this? Nope. For them Gauri was the regressive doormat, while Annika was the progressive modern bahu. Well, didn’t Annika stick to Shivaay after the forced marriage? Yes, she was emotionally abused into it by Dadi, but the fans were so willing to forgive Annika for staying with Shivaay, toh phir Gauri ne kya dosh kiya hai? Annika literally forgives Shivaay the next day for the Daksh misunderstanding where she could have almost died thanks to Shivaay’s judgmental ass. But Gauri is a greater villain for forgiving Omkara for leaving her to die in Bareilly track 2? Kyun bhai?? 

Also, lets not forget that Annika had made it a business to save Shivaay from Tia’s scam even before she got married to him. Like girl, do you go to the Oberoi mansion to do your job or spy on Tia? And for whom? The guy who called you road trash, threw you out of his house multiple times, put you in prison, and made abusive physical contact many times before? But the fandom forgets all this or calls it Annika’s generosity. But Gauri is bashed for her divinely ordained obsession with Omkara. 

If Gauri were really the doormat then she would have tried to impose herself on Omkara, but she never did. If Gauri were really the regressive doormat then she would not have confronted and questioned Omkara multiple times for asking what is her place in his life and what is her right to stay in the Oberoi house.  I won’t say that Annika didn’t question Shivaay, she did, but she never demanded answers. In fact, I was under the impression that Annika would leave after Tia exposure but she made no move to do that. Unlike Gauri who once the job was done, kept on questioning Omkara, until she gave up on him completely and just waited for Shivika to get married so that she could leave the house. How are the two characters so widely different that Annika is progressive while Gauri is regressive in the eyes of the fandom?

That the writers never gave the same opportunity to Gauri’s character to be explored is something I’ve already mentioned. But the writers didn’t stop at that. The multiple personality transplants they have given to Gauri and flipped her character on the tava for the plot’s convenience are a greater sin. The chief example of this is the bullshit English track which was just introduced for the sake of showing what an amazing brother Shivaay is and how amazing Annika is that she did not change herself for Shivaay. I mean Shivika are amazing, but is it necessary to butcher Gauri’s character for that? Gauri, who has been proudly proclaiming that she is paachvi paas, who almost picked up a fight with Omkara because she thought he was about to comment on her dressing style and ask her to change it, and who most importantly said that love is like Meera, where one should not impose oneself on another; would learn English all of a sudden because she wants to be ‘laayak’ for Om?? Like really?? This is such a major character blooper, only introduced to make Shivika look like the goals couple. Matlab what should I say about Shivika then, who need every other character in the IBverse to sing their praises to prove how ‘takkar’ ki their jodi is. LOL I’ll rather prefer Rikara over them then, at least they don’t need Dadi to remind the audience everyday that Shivika are true ishqbaaz. 

Of course, the petty fandom exploited this writing blooper to the fullest to say how Annika is self-confident while Gauri is an insecure mess. Well didn’t Annika lie and sacrifice her relationship with Shivaay because of Pinky’s dhamki? She didn’t have 1% confidence in their relationship to tell the truth of Pinky’ threats. Wasn’t Annika too defeated by her insecurity about naam, khoon, khaandaan that to protect Shivaay’s fake pride she sacrificed her love? Because she felt that Shivaay needs his naam,khoon, khaandaan more than her, despite the whole journey they had made as a couple over an year. Gauri, by those standards did not know Omkara that well, and neither were they in love at the point, for her to not be affected by her insecurities. But Gauri’s insecurities make her a doormat while Annika’s insecurities make her a self-sacrificing devi? Theek hai ji!

Several people get irritated that why is Rikara fandom so upset with Gauri shipping Shivika or playing matchmaker for them or part of the Obahus, etc. Well, they don’t get it. The DBO fandom has seen Gauri as the centre of everything, where she has ruled in her story. To see Gauri play second fiddle to Anika or Shivika is what irks us. We are not mad that Gauri is seen shipping Shivika; we are mad because thats all she’s been reduced to. When the Rikara fandom says that it wants badass Gauri, we don’t mean we want her to be stabbing villains or crushing cars. We want her to have her own story and be at the centre of her story. The break up scene is I think the most badass scene of Gauri, because she fully annihilates Omkara’s skewed perception of truth and walks out of their one-sided equation. 

Finally the only instance where writers have favored Gauri over Annika (till now). Unlike Annika, Gauri has always been able to keep the physical and romantic aspect of her relationship separate. The only consideration for Gauri in a physical equation is consent. Gauri never steps back from participating in consensual physical contact. Woh hamaari phooti kismat that Omkara is forever either drugged or faking it or the latent passive-aggressive nature of their relationship, which has effectively ensured that Rikara fandom never gets to enjoy a tharki scene. 

But what were the writers thinking when they showed a 27-year old, grownass woman, brought up in Mumbai, who btw watched B-grade movies with her brother, LITERALLY running away from the man she loves on the thought of consummation? Like what were they smoking? I get it that they want to show shyness on part of the heroine, but to actually make her run away like that? The whole scene where Annika wears the silly night dress on top of her kurta and escapes from the room is in the list of the top five cringey scenes I’ve seen on Ishqbaaz. What fandom thought as funny and comic and cute, I found that unbelievable and moreover, why do writers write such sequences which make their heroes looks like desperate horny men? 

Annika fleeing her room is funny, but Gauri being lost for a moment in that horrendous jal jal ke dhuyaan sequence makes her desperate? The kind of comments I read on IF that time were unbelievable. Since when did feeling desire make one a desperate, clingy woman? FYI Gauri did push Om away because he was not in his senses. The most ridiculous reaction has to be of certain ‘Om deewaanis’ (I’m sorry I just can’t stop myself from LOLing at this group), who wrote that Omkara is so attractive that Gauri just couldn’t resist him, like themselves. Somebody knock some sense into these teenage girls that Kunal and Omkara are two different creatures. The number of facepalm moments I had reading their comments that day! Thank God! the writers toned down that aspect of Annika, because “yeh aap kya kar rahe hai Shivaay” was getting on my nerves. 

While Annika got so much appreciation for finally being bold, let me just say that my girl Gauri already did it. I hated the inspiration scene, but I have to praise Gauri for unbelievable confidence she has in herself to follow Bade Bhaiyaa’s suggestion, and use her beauty as the one thing that can help remove Omkara’s artist block. Gauri is confidence goals. The fact that Gauri is in touch with her sensual side is perhaps the greatest reason why I prefer Gauri over Annika. 

To me, both my girls are amazing, and deserve much better the Obros. They also deserve much better than the writers shitty, inconsistent tracks and pathetic fandom bullshit. 

Honestly, for me the best possible conclusion of IB would be AniRiVya leaving the Oberois after giving them a piece of their mind about the maltreatment they suffered at their hands (Soumya, smart girl, pehli hi Australia chali gayi). Oh and Svetlana burning down the whole mansion with the Oberois in it. Maybe in distant future Svetty and Gauri can hook up, ‘cos honestly I’ve been on the SvetRi ship even before I thought of giving Rikara a chance (Om is just too stupid for Gauri). 

P.S. I mentioned above that Shrenu is a superior performer. I have two reasons for this. IB was my first Surbhi C. show while DBO was my first Shrenu show. Why I praise Shrenu more is because Gauri is a difficult character to play. While Surbhi has a lot in common with Annika’s bindaas attitude, Shrenu has nothing in common with Gauri. Gauri and Shrenu are too totally different personas, therefore, in my opinion Shrenu has to put in greater effort to play Gauri than Surbhi has to put in playing Annika. Secondly, Surbhi got a whole lot more material and 50 times greater screenspace to prove her mettle as compared to Shrenu, and yet Shrenu managed to impress me in the second episode itself while it took almost a month for me to warm up to Surbhi’s acting skills. 

[sankofaspeaks-blog]

song: Patience by: Damien Marley & Nas

Title: It took a Knife to.... By: Al-Tariq Sankofa Place: Inside the belly of a hungry lion!!!! being held: P.O.Box. box 33, USP-Terre Haute, Terre haute, in 47808 (my new plantation)

what's up family, friends and foes. i want to thank you for taking out the time to read what i have to say because it is greatly appreciated and i won't take advantage of it. now i named this one "It took a knife" because i don't if any of you know i was stabbed last year. I'm ok but as I'm going to explain in this written word that is coming off the top of my head because that's how i write so bare with me. it took me a minute to figure out what i wanted to write. the song: Patience is one of my favorite songs and every time i listen to it it makes me think about a few things in life concerning a lot of things. anyway, here is what is on my mind.

it took a knife for me to realize that homies isn't your homies. it took a knife for me to realize my life is worth something more than a gang death. it took a knife for me to realize that i don't ever want another person to go through this life style. it took a knife for me to watch my so-called homies show me their true intentions. it took a knife for me to realize that i was making a mistake that could cost me my life. it took a knife for me to put my son and family first. it took a knife for me to wake up and see the reality of my life and where it was headed if i stayed sleep. it took a knife for me to sit my a** down. it took a knife for me to be like ok this life is over for me. it took a knife for me to realize that being real isn't what fake people want. it took a knife for me to realize that its about my son and making sure he has a father he can be proud of. it took a knife for me to see my life flash before my eyes. it took a knife for GOD's voice to finally get through.(The rest will be on my blog:Altariq Sankofa Speaks Gumbs.tumblr.com) it took a knife for me to realize i have changed. it took a knife for me to want to fight for my life above any and all things. it took a knife for me to love life. it took a knife for me to realize this world needs more real ones and i want to live because I'm one of them. it took a knife for me to want to make love to a woman again. it took a knife for me to wish to see my kids again. it took a knife for me to realize that people who say they love you will show it and the ones who don't will show it also. it took a knife for me to realize that everybody has something to live for. it took a knife for me to want to write these words to you being honest. it took a knife for me to beg all the kids to leave the streets alone. it took a knife for me to reach across the line and ask the Bloods and Crips to want to live for their families and be something that the flag can be proud of. it took a knife for me to realize that things aren't the same. it took a knife for me to realize you can't trust people. it took a knife for me to realize that life is worth living. it took a knife for me to fight for what's right and leave the wrong behind. it took a knife for me to really pursue my passion of writing and push the nonsense to the side. it took a knife for me to pray to God and tell him thank you for loving me enough to give me another chance to do what he has planned for me. it took a knife for me to say I'm done 1000% with gang banging and representing a life style that is destined to get me killed. it took a knife for me to love the meaning of a true Blood. it took a knife for me to understand why a true Crip is my brother and not my enemy. it took a knife for me to choose life over death. it took a knife to make me give a f***! With that i choose life over death. peace over war. love over hate. these are the words of a man who has changed from a gangster to a gentleman. i am humbled in my retirement from that life style. i did what i can to make sure all things stayed real. when i was fighting the guy with out a knife and my so-called brothers stood there and watched with out doing anything it woke me up. yeah i fought him with out a knife and didn't run but the point is it woke me up. i got stabbed once. i won the fight but lost the battle. because i got hit once and with that one hit it was two inches from my juggler. it could have killed me. i have been in all types of things and it was at a time i was with the nonsense but i was always ready. this time i wasn't and the guys around me was and didn't do anything to help me. so that was it for me. I'm hoping the kids reading this understand that just because a person sits and eats with you everyday and your suppose to be his homie, brother, cuzin whatever. don't mean he has good intentions for you. if it can happen to me what do you think will happen to you? so it was a wake up call for me. and I'm using it to help. so thank you and i pray this story opens some eyes to the reality that things have changed and to die for a person who truly don't care about your life is something your family can never get back. if her or she care about your life they wouldn't do something to put it in jeopardy. period. words from King Sankofa. Peace to all of you!

[altariqsankofagumbsspeaks-blog]

It took a Knife to....

Song: Patience by: Damien Marley & Nas

Title: It took a Knife to.... By: Al-Tariq Sankofa Place: Inside the belly of a hungry lion!!!! being held: P.O.Box. box 33, USP-Terre Haute, Terre Haute, in 47808 (my new plantation)

what's up family, friends, and foes. I want to thank you for taking out the time to read what I have to say because it is greatly appreciated and I won't take advantage of it. now I named this one "It took a knife" because I don't if any of you know I was stabbed last year. I'm ok but as I'm going to explain in this written word that is coming off the top of my head because that's how I write so bare with me. it took me a minute to figure out what I wanted to write. the song: Patience is one of my favorite songs and every time I listen to it it makes me think about a few things in life concerning a lot of things. anyway, here is what is on my mind.

it took a knife for me to realize that homies isn't your homies. it took a knife for me to realize my life is worth something more than a gang death. it took a knife for me to realize that i don't ever want another person to go through this lifestyle. it took a knife for me to watch my so-called homies show me their true intentions. it took a knife for me to realize that i was making a mistake that could cost me my life. it took a knife for me to put my son and family first. it took a knife for me to wake up and see the reality of my life and where it was headed if i stayed sleep. it took a knife for me to sit my a** down. it took a knife for me to be like ok this life is over for me. it took a knife for me to realize that being real isn't what fake people want. it took a knife for me to realize that its about my son and making sure he has a father he can be proud of. it took a knife for me to see my life flash before my eyes. it took a knife for GOD's voice to finally get through it took a knife for me to realize i have changed. it took a knife for me to want to fight for my life above any and all things. it took a knife for me to love life. it took a knife for me to realize this world needs more real ones and i want to live because I'm one of them. it took a knife for me to want to make love to a woman again. it took a knife for me to wish to see my kids again. it took a knife for me to realize that people who say they love you will show it and the ones who don't will show it also. it took a knife for me to realize that everybody has something to live for. it took a knife for me to want to write these words to you being honest. it took a knife for me to beg all the kids to leave the streets alone. it took a knife for me to reach across the line and ask the Bloods and Crips to want to live for their families and be something that the flag can be proud of. it took a knife for me to realize that things aren't the same. it took a knife for me to realize you can't trust people. it took a knife for me to realize that life is worth living. it took a knife for me to fight for what's right and leave the wrong behind. it took a knife for me to really pursue my passion of writing and push the nonsense to the side. it took a knife for me to pray to God and tell him thank you for loving me enough to give me another chance to do what he has planned for me. it took a knife for me to say I'm done 1000% with gang banging and representing a lifestyle that is destined to get me killed. it took a knife for me to love the meaning of a True Blood. it took a knife for me to understand why a true Crip is my brother and not my enemy. it took a knife for me to choose life over death. it took a knife to make me give a f***! With that, I choose life over death. peace over war. love over hate. these are the words of a man who has changed from a gangster to a gentleman. I am humbled in my retirement from that lifestyle. I did what I can to make sure all things stayed real. when I was fighting the guy without a knife and my so-called brothers stood there and watched without doing anything it woke me up. yeah, i fought him without a knife and didn't run but the point is it woke me up. I got stabbed once. I won the fight but lost the battle. because I got hit once and with that one hit it was two inches from my juggler. it could have killed me. I have been in all types of things and it was at a time I was with the nonsense but I was always ready. this time I wasn't and the guys around me was and didn't do anything to help me. so that was it for me. I'm hoping the kids reading this understand that just because a person sits and eats with you every day and your suppose to be his homie, brother, cousin whatever. don't mean he has good intentions for you. if it can happen to me what do you think will happen to you? so it was a wake-up call for me. and I'm using it to help. so thank you and I pray this story opens some eyes to the reality that things have changed and to die for a person who truly doesn't care about your life is something your family can never get back. if she or she cares about your life they wouldn't do something to put it in jeopardy. period. words from King Sankofa. Peace to all of you!

[boyitsnotsoimpossible]

On my way

Dear Mina, I'm currently sitting at gate 21 at Hong Kong international airport. I'm not sure if that's the actual, official name. But whatever. It's 5:19 AM local time as of this sentence's writing and my flight to Korea boards at 7:30 AM. I miss you a lot. I've been incredibly fortunate to have a strong group of loving friends who have been by my side since I learned the news. It's been difficult. Very difficult. The most difficult time of my life. But having them around made it less painful. Seeing Omma and Appa being strong gives me strength, too. I've been listening to podcasts about grief at the suggestion of a friend and they've been so incredibly helpful. The last one I listened to details the stigma around suicide deaths and how society isn't the best equipped to discuss them effectively. I mean, it's a very difficult and uncomfortable topic to talk about for people who aren't affected by it. So I can't blame society at large, really. But what I can do is talk about it openly and help reframe the dialogue in a more productive way. For instance, I hereby vow to never use any variation of the phrase, "commit suicide." It's such a messed up way of saying it, don't you think? The word commit carries so much negative context around it.. the kind of context that's unfair to the person who.. died of suicide. That's the phrase I will use moving forward. It's the phrase I will ask others to use moving forward. It's the phrase I will ask others to ask others to use moving forward. I mean, think of all the other phrases that go along with the word "commit." Commit homicide, commit a murder, commit a felony, etc. they're all negative actions that intentionally hurt others. You didn't do that. I feel so much pain over how much pain you yourself were enduring over the past 4 years. You were so brave and strong. When I lived at home with you, Omma, and Appa, I thought you were in the best shape I had ever seen you. It seemed like you were on the uptrend with each passing year. There are so many emotions that people feel when a loved one passes. The one I can't stop feeling is guilt. Guilt and regret, actually. Guilt and regret over not being there for you more. Guilt and regret for selfishly trying to focus on my life over the years. Guilt and regret over the times I didn't respond to your heartfelt emails and texts. Guilt and regret over the funny memes and images you'd send me that I'd just brush off. More than anything now, I wish I could be receiving those from you. I'm so so so sorry I was too selfish to ever put you above me. I keep beating myself up over the fact that not ONCE, did I invite you to go on a trip to NYC or Boston. Just you and me. I was too fucking selfish prioritizing my attempts to be happy. I hate myself so much over this. It was always you who reached out, like the time you came to visit me in Boston in January of 2015. You took the train from Attleboro to meet me at the Prudential center. I remember us eating lobster rolls at the cafeteria. Then we went to a gift card shop to buy birthday cards for Appa. And finally, we stopped by the Armani Exchange shop just to browse around. My memory is hazy, but I think you were looking around and finding pieces you'd think I like. I of course wasn't doing the same for you. Because I was too selfish. I'm so sorry. I don't know if this is some misguided attempt at me trying to explain myself over why I was so distant towards you. I'm just word vomiting right now. But seeing you and thinking of you after your diagnosis brought me so much pain and discomfort. In my mind, if I didn't think about it, it wasn't a reality. My natural reaction to discomfort has always been to escape it. Like I did in Korea for years by locking myself in my room and playing computer games while Omma and Appa fought. Like I've been doing all my life where I find being alone in my room as my personal sanctuary from all the outside world. But still. You were in much more pain. I should have been the one to step up and be there for you more often. I can't believe that it was actually the other way around throughout the years. I'm particularly pained by how I flat out ignored your two heartfelt emails from October. The first one that detailed your love of Jesus and how you came to find faith. And how you wished I would find Him too. And the second one about your book about us. About loneliness in the modern age. The questions you had were too intimate for me, I guess. I of course did what I always do and just pretended like it never arrived. I didn't mention the two emails when we'd see each other at home thereafter. I wonder if you felt hurt because of that. I can only assume you did. I'm so, so sorry. I remember during lunch one day how you asked me how I would feel if a good friend kept ignoring your attempts at reaching out. And I gave the worst answer possible: well, maybe there's something going on in their life. I essentially shot you down. But you told me the rest of the details and reframed it in the context of how I would feel if I reached out to Rohit and he proceeded to ignore me over days and days. My memory is hazy, but I think you mentioned that the friend of yours in question was active responding to other people's Facebook posts during that time, so you took it as her deliberately ignoring you. Yeah, I'd have interpreted the same way and feel hurt. I could tell how painful that was for you. But I didn't console you or try to talk it out more with you. Again, I did the selfish thing I always do and removed myself from that discomfort by withdrawing from the conversation. We finished eating lunch in silence. And then we went to do our own things. Despite my being a shitty brother and support system for you, you continued to show me so much love. So much love that I didn't reciprocate in equal magnitude. You always wrote me heartfelt letters and put your artistic talents to use for each and every one of them. I'm so saddened by the fact that I will no longer receive those messages from you anymore. I know you shipped out a pair of Allen Edmonds shoes to me as a final parting gift. I checked my mailbox multiple times the last day before my flight, hoping I could find the pink usps slip to take to the post office so I could pick up the package. That will have to wait until we all land back stateside. I'm honestly scared of going to pick it up, knowing it'll be the last time I ever get a gift from you, ever. I think I'll most likely start crying. I've been crying a lot. I've never cried so much in my entire life. I'm so sorry for not being there for you. I'm so, so sorry. I can't help but feel that I could have brought more joy to your life. That I could have helped you find more things worth living for, by taking you to the places you loved and exposing you more to the feeling of being loved, period. But in the end, I understand your decision. It brings me a modicum of peace that you are no longer suffering. Do know that I don't resent your decision. I'm not angry at you. I just miss you. I miss you so much. I love you so much. See you on the other side, older sis'. Love, Steve, your lil brother, forever