#i will say so i win you all over i loved the evermore set at eras i thought it was so beautifully done

[vogelmeister]

anyways i am feeling kinda brave today so im gonna share a potentially unpopular taylor swift hot take. when i was talking to my friend yesterday about ttpd i realised that i kinda have a similar problem with the anthology as i do with evermore.

like don't get me wrong, both have absolute gems (willow, tolerate it, long story short, gold rush and NBNC from evermore are great and i love the albatross, so high school, the prophecy black dog, manuscript etc) but i think both collections (bc anthology is not an album) suffer because they came out connected to a much superior more cohesive work, and both almost feel like rejects from the body of work that proceeded it.

[twirlingsmilingwriting]

Hunger Games Characters as Taylor Swift songs PART 2!!

I know these aren't popular like the fan fiction on my account but I love mixing my music and intrests so ima do a PART TWO

Johanna Mason

Mad Woman- Taylor Swift, Folklore

"Does a scorpion sting when fighting back? They strike to kill and you know I will"

Honestly, it's so hard to find just one lyric in this song that I felt like truly highlights her because the whole song is literally her. Especially the last verse. Like "'Cause you took everything from me, Watchin' you climb, Watchin' you climb Over people like me The master of spin Has a couple side flings Good wives always know She should be mad Should be scathing like me" THAT JUST FEELS SO MUCH LIKE HOW SHE VIEWS SNOW. He took everything from her and she was just sitting back ready to take him and the rest of the capital down with it. Also, I love her.

Katniss Everdeen

Eyes Open- Taylor Swift, Red

"In backyards, winning battles with our wooden swords. But now we've stepped into a cruel world. Where everybody stands and keeps score"

OKAY ADMITTEDLY THIS IS A SELL OUT BECAUSE THIS SONG WAS ON THE HUNGER GAMES OTHER SOUND TRACK BUT, it is quite literally her song. Side note but this song is so sad but sounds so happy. I love when Ms. Swift does songs like this. But yeah from the first verse describing how they were just kids then one day got thrown into the cruel and harsh world of the hunger games. Also the part talking about "they never thought you'd make it this far" makes so much sense because the girl from district 12 is always seen as the runt of the picks, the one who isn't supposed to win, BUT SHE DID!! Honestly, if yall can think of another song that fits her character please let me know. I have some honorable mentions

A Place in This World- Debut: honestly, I think this song really describes her thought process going into the hunger games. She was just trying to survive and keep her family safe. Even when she was thrown into being the head figure of the Revolution, she never wanted that position, she just got thrown into it. She was just walking along the path set for her. Even the line "maybe I'm just a girl on a mission but I'm ready to fly" makes sense to me because she IS the mocking jay.

Only Me When I'm With You- Debut: So Peniss coded (Peeta X Katniss)

I Know Places- 1989: Also Peniss coded

I Did Something Bad- Reputation: Killing president coin, pushing forth with the revolution,

Sujanus Plinth

Only The Young- Taylor Swift, Miss Americana

"You did all that you could do, the game was rigged, the ref got tricked, the wrong ones think they're right. You were outnumbered, this time"

Honestly, the whole thing reminds me of his reaction to the games. Also the whole song is about how only the young can change the future and Sujanus's character really showed that spirit. He was trying to make a change but unfortunately, he trusted the whole people and the odds were stacked against him.

Haymitch Abernathy

Champagne Problems- Taylor Swift, Evermore

""This dorm was once a madhouse" I made a joke, "Well, it's made for me"

He has em. Simple as that. (alcoholism)

Seriously though this song reminds me of him more so because of the concept of it. Champagne problems is a term used to describe issues that seem rather trivial, unimportant, and I feel like a lot people tend to disregard all the genuine things Haymitch had gone through. The story of the song also is about a marriage that never happened, it also has undertones of lost family and friends. As we know, Haymitch lost his girlfriend and family to the capital. He never got to marry her because she was taken from him.

Lucy Gray

My Tears Ricochet- Taylor Swift, Folklore

"And I still talk to you when I'm screaming at the sky. And when you can't sleep at night you hear my stolen lullabies"

LETS BE HONEST, SHE IS SO FOLK-EVERMORE CODED. I could dissect this song for ages explaining why it's the perfect example of what Lucy Gray would be saying indirectly to Snow. Firstly,

"Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me? 'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you 'Til my dying day"

CUZ NO SHE DID NOT DESERVE WHAT SNOW PUT HER THROUGH. She loved him truly, deeply, but when it came down to it, she knew she could never trust him. Especially with the position he put her in. She could go anywhere she wants but not home after Snow made it seem like she killed the mayors daughter. And then the part

"I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And you're the hero flying around, saving face And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet"

She didn't go with grace. She left in a flash, deep with mystery. She has to hide for the rest of her life while he gets to be the proud hero and savior to Panem. The second half of the main chorus is so true to how Coryo was acting when they were in the forest in that last scene. He was quite literally cursing her name, wishing she'd stayed.

"You know I didn't want to have to haunt you But what a ghostly scene You wear the same jewels that I gave you As you bury me"

JEWELS? HER EARRING??? HELLOOOOOOOO and then the "as you bury me" HE DOESN'T KNOW IF SHE DEAD OR NOT BUT IF SHE IS, HE KILLED HER. HE BURRED HER AND TOOK HER EARRING.

"But you would still miss me in your bones And I still talk to you (when I'm screaming at the sky) And when you can't sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)"

She had such a hold on him, he still remembers her years later, haunted by her memory. the song constantly references the "Haunting". The "I still talk to you when I'm screaming at the sky" reminded me of the way the mocking jays carried her voice all around the sky. And the last line was so clearly connecting to 'The Hanging Tree' in my brain. Many years later, Katniss sang the same song she did to lead a rebellion against him. His life is haunted by her memories and cursed by it. He can't escape her anywhere.

The tears he made her spill simply ricocheted into bullets that hit him instead.

Effie Trinket

Bejeweled- Taylor Swift, Midnights

"Best believe I'm still bejeweled. When I walk in the room,I can still make the whole place shimmer"

MS. EFFIE TRINKET IS THE BADDEST BITCH BRO OMG I LOVEEEEE HER. STYLE ICON. Listen, no matter what happens to that woman, shes gonna shine. A diamonds gotta SHINE. She is always the most sparkly, eye catching person out there at ALL TIMES! Even without all the glitz and glamour she is still so iconic. She is ALWAYS bejeweled.

[foxes-that-run]

Willow

Willow is about an affair with someone she desires like a prize, she cheats to win him. The Willow Song is in Shakespeare's Othello. Harry Styles Sweet Creature also references Othello about Taylor. To People on 5 December 2023 Aaron said Taylor wrote

Due to their huge spread willows are susceptible to wind and flexible, so they have deep and strong roots. It's symbolism for a strong bond that's tenacious and grows in poor conditions. A Willow appears in Begin Again, where it was also shot a similar way.

The film clip picks up straight from Cardigan which is also about Harry. The children in the tent is a reference to Everything has Changed and Seven. In a Livestream Taylor said the film clip referenced Exile, which I think is "I've seen this film before and didn't like the ending." In Cardigan she was 'changed' but she stayed where she started, in Willow she leaves with her muse.

There are green curtains when Taylor is behind the glass, Taylor said this references Mirrorball. Harry is also behind glass in the As it was and referred to 'being behind the glass' as something others couldn't understand, separating them from other people. This is similar to the gilded cage theme. She also uses similar imagery to refer to her stolen masters for her Eras being behind glass in the Eras tour and I Can See You music video.

The dancer is from Red tour (IKYWT). The posters behind him say The Python and The Man of Fire (a Sweet Nothing and William Bowery reference, in Rolling Stone Paul McCartney told Taylor his pseudonym was Fireman). The Man of Fire is is doing the Whale. (!!)

The cloak is like the one in Ready for it and Green. They step into the Daylight at the end. The Invisible string ends in the cabin.

To Zane Lowe Taylor said:

'It felt like somebody's standing over a potion making a love potion dreaming up the person that they want and the person they desire and trying to figure out how to get that person in their life and all the kind of misdirection and bait and switch.' The complexity of seeing someone, feeling a connection wanting them and trying to make them a part of your life. It's tactical at times, it's confusing at times. I wanted to set the vibe of magical and mysterious." and "One of the main themes [of Folklore] was conflict resolution, get through something with someone, making confessions or communicating. Evermore deals a lot in endings of all sorts shapes and sizes all the kinds of ways"

To people magazine 5 December 2023 Aaron Dessner said it was the first song after folklore:

“There are so many stories I could share. When I sent Taylor the music for our song "Willow" — I think she wrote the entire song from start to finish in less than 10 minutes and sent it back to me. It was like an earthquake. Then Taylor said, "I guess we are making another album."

Othello and Sweet Creature

The Willow Song is a real folk song referred to in Shakespeare's Othello. Othello is married to Desdemona. Lago seeds doubt in Othello's mind that Desdemona has been unfaithful with Cassio. Desdemona sings part of 'The Willow Song' in which a lady mourns her true love lost, the singer dies from their false love's cruelty. As the folk song foreshadowed, Othello loses his mind and kills Desdemona in a jealous rage.

Considering Taylors comments above that Folklore is about communication (with songs like Cardigan, The 1 and Exile where she cleared some air with Harry). And her comment that Evermore is about endings, and Willow figuring out who one wants and Masterminding them into one's life. Like it's namesake, Taylor's Willow is expressing a wistful desire for a lost true love. The context implies neglect and distrusted by her partner at that time.

The Othello reference implies the object of her desire, the title of Harry Styles Sweet Creature is an Othello quote. Sweet Creature mocked CH's unwarranted belief that he had had an affair with Taylor, it also expresses Harry's love for Taylor.

I have seen analysis suggesting that Willow is retelling of Othello from Desdemona POV, but it isn't. Desdemona is an innocent victim, She's faithful and says she would not cheat for anything short of the whole world then is murdered. Taylor's character in Willow has more agency and would 'cheat to win' a trophy of man that she describes in Gold Rush. Unlike Desdemona, she has desire, which Taylor described to Zane Lowe. She is the character in the Willow Song - stuck in a false love, longing for her lost true love. It is a metaphor for Taylors own life, Sweet Creature parallel intended. Which explains the video with links to Taylor's past since Red.

Lyrics

I'm like the water when your ship rolled in that night Rough on the surface but you cut through like a knife And if it was an open-shut case I never would've known from that look on your face Lost in your current like a priceless wine

To WFPK Taylor described the couple in Coney Island and Exile as 'Ships in the Night' in having trouble communicating. A similar water theme is here. Although she is not open to a relationship, she is rough on the surface, he gets through and she wants him.

She is defenceless and lost wanting to be with him. (Wonderland: "We found wonderland, you and I got lost in it").

Wine is a theme, (spilt on many dresses (Clean), shirts (Maroon), bathtubs (Dress) and a sea here).

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind (oh) Head on the pillow, I could feel you sneaking in As if you were a mythical thing Like you were a trophy or a champion ring And there was one prize I'd cheat to win

Life is a willow that bent to your wind is brings the symbolism of a strong, deep force that grows around and with life's interferance. She has grown around this love, bending with it over time.

She feels her muse sneaking in to her pillow, sneaking implies an affair, this is not her boyfriend but someone she desires more that has had a deep impact on her life. This is confirmed with being willing to cheat to be with this muse.

She desires him like a prize, she describes Harry with similar desirability in Gold Rush, where she is intimidated by how desired he is, here she is proud he is her man. Similar to Gold Rush which starts with 'I almost jump in' Willow started with her having a rough surface he cuts through, both body of water metaphors.

The more that you say The less I know Wherever you stray I follow

'The more you say, the less I know' refers to her confusion over being in a committed relationship. In Folklore she and Harry communicated about their past in The 1, Cardigan and Exile. She's now confused about the path she is on and questioning if she should leave her partner. In The 1 she sang "And if you wanted me, you really should've showed", he now has and she is confused.

Wherever you stray a follow is similar to Lover "can I go where you go?" Also in Treacherous "And I'll do anything you say / If you say it with your hands". Also Harry's Medicine. "If you go out tonight, I'm going out 'cause I know you're persuasive"

I'm begging for you to take my hand Wreck my plans That's my man You know that my train could take you home Anywhere else is hollow

"Begging for you take my hand" refers to:

Blank Space: "Grab your passport and my hand"

I Know Places: "Just grab my hand and don’t ever drop it"

New Romantics: "Please take my hand and please take me dancing", and

As it Was "I want you to hold out the palm of your hand / Why don't we leave it at that?"

"You know that my train could take you home" Home is an important concept between Harry and Taylor who sing about each other as home. Trains are also mentioned in Cardigan and Sad Beautiful Tragic, which Cardigan's BTS links to Cardigan.

'Anywhere else is hollow' is similar to Ready for it? "Every lover known in comparison is a failure" and Question...? "Does it feel like everything's just like second-best after that Meteor strike?" and Harry's MMIH "Once you go without it nothing else will do"

I'm begging for you to take my hand Wreck my plans That's my man

"Wreck my plans", Taylors plans were to stay with the partner that, in Willow Song, is jealous and neglectful. This muse has shown up and that's out the window.

"That's my man" refers to the cyclical nature of their relationship:

Style: And when we go crashing down we come back every time

Blank Space: "But you’ll come back each time you leave"

Out Of The Woods: "We were built to fall apart, then fall back together"

How You Get The Girl: "Broke your heart, I’ll put it back together"

This Love: "When you’re young you just run, but you come back to what you need"

Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind (oh) They count me out time and time again Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind (oh) But I come back stronger than a 90's trend

I love this, to me the 90's trend/come back (to me) is a reference to 1989 and Style/the cycle nature of their relationship. In this part of the film clip she also references Reputation and where she was counted out and came back stronger.

Wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark Show me the places where the others gave you scars Now this is an open-shut case Guess I should've known from the look on your face Every bait and switch was a work of art

Taylor further discusses how she meets her lover after dark, this is describing an affair as in Illicit Affairs.

He shares his vulnerability, where the scars are. Harry has sung of showing Taylor scars in If I could fly "I've got scars, even though they can't always be seen. And pain gets hard, but now you're here and I don't feel a thing. Pay attention, I hope that you listen cause I let my guard down. Right now I'm completely defenseless" I think she is also referring to Seven.

Taylor used 'Bait and switch in promotion for "Look at what you made me do" the bait and switch was that Reputation seemed like one thing but was about finding love through the noise. While Taylor dated Joe for the last 4 months before it's release, the album was primarily written by September 2016 before they started dating.

Taylor also referred to Zane Lowe about "The complexity of seeing someone, feeling a connection wanting them and trying to make them a part of your life. It's tactical at times, it's confusing at times." in the music video and Era's tour she has a witches gathering to use all her power and bring this muse into her life.

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

real! I used to love her (ts) but she feels very different than she used to. I’ve listened to phoebe bridgers a bit, she was good just not the type of music I usually listen to. Boy genius and Lucy Dacus are both amazing tho. They for sure deserved to win Aoty, or sia

sorry for how long this got??? i just started writing and oh whoops....

anyway- THATS what ive been saying about her unfortunately. its like after folklore/evermore things genuinely changed because of all the fame and popularity. people werent criticizing her anymore and instead overly praising her.

which isnt bad! i do think she deserves praise over folklore. the marketing of it being a suprise album was very clever too. but i think before those folklore there was a sense of criticism that people had with her music that kept her wanting to innovate it.

i have a strong believe that social media's algorithms are failing artists to innovate pop music in the same way than 00's pop music did just because of how much less artists have to lose now with their brandings. i once again bring up artpop by lady gaga and how much she lost for her idea???? and now??? gaga was really fucking killing it. her music had such creativity and passion put into it that you can SEE her drive in that. (also to know i didnt understand artpop as an album until MUCH later in my life)

but taylors lack of needing to innovate her sound due to her popularity and lack of criticism really has just shown how much her music has come to decline in quality. if you see the transition between fearless and speak now. those two albums. she TOOK the criticism that she "couldnt write her own songs" and literally flipped that narrative to write that entire album herself. and to me? arguably speak now is MY favorite taylor album.

and the transition between speak now to red to 1989 to reputation. theres SO much that happened in that sense of time. theres different sounds that make those albums what they are. 1989 was such a creative endeavor for her because it was her first step into pop music. i think was also her first time working with jack? now people say her decline on music is his fault as a producer but i dont believe his role had gotten bad until midnights. (i saw people discussing clairo's sling album because he produced it. but THEYRE WRONG. SLING IS GOOD AND HIS ERA OF BAD PRODUCING HAPPENED IN 2023(?) i forget when midnights came out ugh thats how many taylor albums we have gotten ffs)

but the breakaway and challenge 1989 gave really set up for reputation. she disappeared because of all the hate. and i think while I DONT SUPPORT that type of treatment because no one should go through that type of mental low... that really set her into a space to create more fluidly and with more passion?

lover- people will say was a flop.. and ill admit too... cruel summer?? shouldve never ever became a single. it was better as a hidden gem. but lover was good for the majority of songs!! there's still passion in it.

it was just that after folklore/evermore it felt very.... underwhelming and not like her at all. the quality slipped so so off the page. it just feels very recycled and unnecessary. especially like i said the fandom doesnt help with overconsumtion and she really truly should use her platform for more. the economy being in shambles and yet she wants to charge $700 for a concert ticket. (nothing bad if like someone WANTS to go but its genuinely ridiculous because inflation shouldnt BE like that).

not to even cover merch??? why is it so high?? shouldnt you want it to be accessible to your fans since you have so many?? vinyl prices are ridiculous but WHY is a hoodie almost $100. im sorry but like why 😭. cant we just charge $60 again?????

anyway all that to say that after the evermore era her music genuinely slipped off. im just thankful that the speak now rerecord didnt get BOTCHED as high hell. i have opinions about the vault tracks because the entire reason was to include tracks from that era and yet its like your smearing shit onto a perfectly wonderful painting and saying "look yall!! i added to this!!" wrong. wrong wrong wrong. idk. 1989's vault tracks just made me mad. it felt so unlike the vibe of what 1989 was???? and slut was NOT written at the time of 1989. come on.

timeless though off of the rerecord for speak now.... i will defend that one with my honor. i genuinely am glad speak now's vault tracks didnt get horrible treatment. i like that she kept the solo writing with the entire album. adding on fob and hayley's collabs as a callback because i really remember seeing videos of her singing sugar were going down and thats what you get during the speak now tour. it just felt like a full circle moment for that. fob's collab couldve been better but im glad it wasnt like... bad.

stilllll think matty's collab couldve been iconic on slut. even if i hate 1989's vault tracks as a whole... the 1975 does have good music. I KNOW. controversial yeah. anyway. hes got talent tho.

i found phoebe during 2020 when i was listening to a bunchhh of different artists (the 1975 too yeah). but punisher found me and i used to not be able to sleep due to anxiety/insomnia back then and i would listen to that album for months to just SLEEP.

i have a closeee bond with it. its like my favorite if not a close second of my favorite album of all time. its just really interesting?? also really valid that its not your type of music either. i just hold her stuff close. also did a english assignment on smoke signals' lyrics. i remember that. i got to say "fuck the cops" in the assignment and felt very proud of myself LMAO.

in terms of lucy- i for some reason never have gotten around to listening to her stuff?? even though i know i need to and should?? i just always somehow forget. many people have told me to but oh man i forget.

glad we can agree that they deserved album of the year btw.

sorry for the LENGTHY reply but yeah!! i might be forgetting to talk about something but askinf about my special interests (music) will always give you a lengthy answer.

[mysticalthingphantom]

Hey! I wanna get to know my Swiftie mutuals. Tell me your top 5 songs and albums from her. Feel free to go into depth/explain if you'd like!

hey!!! meowdy! ( yup, i read your bio and agree) nice to meet you! i'm sorry for all my lore but it is hard to talk about things i love without bringing personal matters with it. i feel like i can talk about taylor lyrics without trauma dumping so i am truly sorry for the things i wrote. but since you said you want to know your mutuals here i go!

TOP ALBUMS

1 - folklore: it is such an ethereal experience for me. i love how all the stories in it are connected in some way and the way she could create so many details for all the characters tbh i feel like i could have been any one of them and in some ways i am. i love how every song feels like summer rain, is comforting and vulnerable. i was the first album of her that i felt i could relate to 100%. is my all time favorite.

(now the positions after folklore vary depending of the day for me so i may change them later)

2 - the tortured poets department: i know is new and everyone is freaking out about it but for me that's one of the most honest pieces of music i have ever listen to it. i keep caught on all these debates about to whom she wrote it but is so stupid because these songs were never about anyone BUT taylor. she could have dated anyone and still wrote these masterpieces, it isn't about a man, it is about taylor swift. and she put SO MUCH of her heart in it that i can feel it. all that anger, all that pain, all that fear it all came from her. she is the artist. i know some critics say is easy to write 31 songs if they all look similar (haters gonna hate is so fucking true) but for me as an inspiring artist is a relief to know you can create different things about the same topic and don't feel ashamed about it. you can write about the same theme a thousand times and guess what? it can be a thousand times different because it will be a thousand different parts of yourself. everything about ttpd is so beautiful ( plus dead poets society references makes it perfect bc is my favorite movie)

3 - evermore: follows the folklore aesthetic and vibes. marjorie? champagne problems??? tolerate it???? Does she have a hidden camera in my backpack or something?

4 - speak now: i'm nineteen wtf she wrote something like THAT when she was nineteen?????? this album is so magical, It has some of the fantasy she later put on folklore and evermore but with more joy and cheerful melodies. listening to speak now is like opening my favorite book over and over. i wish i could be emma falling in love and i wish to live a timeless love and i wish i could sing long live with my friends/found family after winning a battle. i just love it all so much and never grown up? i listened to it when i was packing my things to move out of my hometown so you can imagine how much i relate to it. castles crumbling is also so close to my heart because i constantly feel i'm burning bridges and fucking things up. so yep all these fears of loneliness and failure goes present in this album goes deep .

5 - midnights: as a HUGE fan of the moon ( the moon is my true soulmate and i don't care if it "just a sattelite"or a "bunch of rocks and dust glued together" because guess what? i'm also a bunch of universal dust glued together) the whole celestial aesthetic of the album hits me like a train. all these confessions, these letters, these maniacal thoughts i have after the sun sets are not only mine. i love how she hugged me through these lyrics and showed me that everyone is haunted by ghosts after midnight. but the night time isn't just a place for nightmares, there is also hope, and joy and good dreams.

TOP SONGS

1 - mirrorball : since the first time i listened to it all i could think about is "someone finally sees me"

2 - the archer: she saw right through me. i am so scared of being seen because if someone sees me, if someone truly knows me it would hurt 1000 times more being rejected by them.

3 - you're on your own, kid: i lost all my friends after high school, literally no one of the fucking people i used to talk to every day and go to their houses and remember their birthdays. all of the people i used to open up to, the people i used to cry and laugh with just didn't reach out anymore and i know it is half my fault but it made me realize how truly alone i am as a human. It doesn't matter how much you connect with someone you are always on your own at the end of the day and she literally summarized that feeling in a fucking song.

4 - i can do it with a broken heart: because you still can be a mirrorball even when the ones you built the show for have left.

5 - the lakes: dead poets society vibes and i'm also a poet and i also want to run away.

6 - renegade: (you asked for 5 but here is a bonus track for you haha <3) i sing that song is a platonic way because it translates so much of my relationships with my friends and family. i sing along thinking about them and i know they could sing thinking about me because of trauma and miscommunication is such a top topic in all that.

[mybeautifulchristianjourney]

Devotional Hours Within the Bible

by J.R. Miller

The King in Zion (Psalm 2)

“Why do the nations conspire and the peoples plot in vain? The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers gather together against the LORD and against his Anointed One. “Let us break their chains,” they say, “and throw off their fetters.” The One enthroned in heaven laughs; the Lord scoffs at them. Then he rebukes them in his anger and terrifies them in his wrath, saying, “I have installed my King on Zion, my holy hill.” I will proclaim the decree of the LORD: He said to me, “You are my Son; today I have become your Father. Ask of me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, the ends of the earth your possession. You will rule them with an iron scepter; you will dash them to pieces like pottery.” Therefore, you kings, be wise; be warned, you rulers of the earth. Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling. Kiss the Son, lest he be angry and you be destroyed in your way, for his wrath can flare up in a moment. Blessed are all who take refuge in him.”

“Why do the heathen rage, and the people imagine a vain thing? The kings of the earth set themselves, and the rulers take counsel together, against the LORD, and against his anointed.”

Men have always been ready to conspire against God. They think of Him as like themselves, as one they can oppose, one whose authority they can reject. To us, with our thought of God as the glorious King of all the world, opposition to Him is the worst folly. What can puny man do to resist God’s power, or to interfere with His sway? Yet evermore does heaven behold the spectacle described in the opening of this Psalm: “Why do the heathen rage, and the people imagine a vain thing?”

There are two possible meanings in this “Why?” It may suggest the folly of such opposition. Or it may indicate the enormity of it. It does seem strange that the world so hates God. What has He ever done to hurt anyone? If He were a cruel despot, like many of earth’s own kings it would not be strange if men hated Him. If He were a Nero, or a Caligula, or a Diocletian, or a Napoleon, it would not be surprising if the nations dreaded Him and if His name aroused rage. But never was there any other king so gentle, so loving.

The prophet foretold the reign of the Messiah as most kindly and gracious. He would not break a bruised reed. He would not lift up His voice in the street. He would not strive nor cry out. He comes not to destroy men’s lives but to save them. His reign is one of love.

A glance over the pages of the Gospels will show us how He fulfilled the Messianic prediction. He went about doing good, healing all manner of sickness, comforting sorrow. The “program of Christianity,” the work of Christ in this world, is mapped out in these words of the prophet Isaiah: “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”

Does it not seem strange, therefore, that the mention of the name of Christ causes such rage among the nations and peoples of the world? Why do the people not love Him? Why does the gentleness of His reign not win men to loyalty and affection? What is there in Him that makes the world dislike Him? Yet from the day He came into the world unto the present He has been rejected and despised. When Herod heard of the birth of the King he trembled with anger and slew all the infants of the town in which He was said to be, in hope of destroying the hated One .

All through His life it was the same. He did nothing but good, and yet the rulers ceased not to plot against Him, until at last they nailed Him to the cross! It is not otherwise today. The gospel breathes only love, and yet it is met by many with hate, scorn, and rage. Why is it? Why do the nations rage? “Let us break their bands asunder, and cast away their cords from us.” The words tell of revolt. They will defy His rule and cut themselves off from obedience to Him. They treat Him as if His rule were cruel and inhuman.

“He who sits in the heavens shall laugh! The Lord shall have them in derision.” The picture of God sitting on His throne in heaven, laughing at man’s puny efforts to frustrate His plans is a very striking one. It suggests to us the calm quiet of God in the face of men’s opposition. Can a man put up his hand and arrest the lightning bolt as it flies athwart the sky? Can he stand beside the sea and with his puny arm hurl back the waves that come rolling from the great deep? And can man resist omnipotence or defeat the divine purpose?

Look at the outcome of Herod’s plot to kill the infant Jesus. What came of the rage of the Jewish rulers who finally nailed Jesus on the cross? It only carried out God’s counsel and exalted Him to be a Prince and a Savior. So always, persecution has but advanced Christianity, not destroying it, not hindering its progress. The rage of infidels has resulted in strengthening what they sought to destroy. We need not be afraid, when the enemies of Christ seem to triumph. God is not disturbed on His throne. His plans go on in unbroken fulfillment. He laughs at men’s plots and schemes against Him.

“Ask of me, and I shall give you the heathen for your inheritance, and the uttermost parts of the earth for your possession.” It is a suggestive thought that even this Son of God, exalted on His throne, must ask for the inheritance that was promised to Him.

We get the lesson that no blessing comes to us but through our own prayer. The clearest, plainest promises must be taken up and claimed. They are checks which must be presented at the bank, before payment will be made. Promises do not mean anything to us until they are believed and then pleaded before God.

We know that Christ claimed the Father’s promise. Before He ascended He said, “All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.” Paul tells us that having humbled Himself to death on the cross, God has also exalted Him and given Him a name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow and every tongue confess that Christ is Lord.

So all nations are Christ’s. He is the rightful King of all lands. This ought to be an encouraging truth for all missionaries, and in all missionary work. India and China and Africa and the islands of the sea belong to Christ. They have been given to Him by His Father. In going into those lands and preaching the gospel, the missionary is but claiming Christ’s own for Him. So in offering Christ to any man and asking him to accept Him as Savior and Lord, we are only asking one of Christ’s rightful subjects to own his allegiance, to receive his true King.

This word has also its glorious assurance of the success of Christ’s kingdom on the earth. God will surely give Him the nations for His inheritance, and the uttermost parts of the earth for His possession, because He has promised to do so. Not a Word of God can ever be broken. Heaven and earth may pass away but not the smallest of God’s Words shall ever pass away.

“Kiss the Son, lest he be angry and you perish from the way, when his wrath is kindled but a little. Blessed are all those who put their trust in him.” The only true and wise thing to do is to submit in love and reverence to this glorious King. Those who will not yield to Him, shall be broken with a rod of iron. Gentle as He is, He is also just. Defiance of Christ can have only one outcome. It can end only in the utter destruction of those who lift up their hands in rebellion. Easily as a potter’s vessel is dashed in pieces when hurled against the rock shall the proudest human strength be crushed and destroyed by the power of Christ!

Submission, therefore, to this heaven-ordained King is the only wise course for anyone. Submission brings life and great gladness. “Blessed are all those who put their trust in him.” He makes them joint-heirs with Him. They sit with Him on His throne. They enjoy all the privileges of sonship. “All are yours; and you are Christ’s; and Christ is God’s.” We should all therefore submit to Christ, the Son of God, and become His subjects.

[continentnews]

Taylor Swift Leaves Fans Elated with '1989 (Taylor's Adaptation)' Declaration and Captivating Execution

In a shocking presentation of melodic ability and appreciation, Taylor Swift delighted her dedicated fans during her last Los Angeles Periods Visit show on Wednesday.

As the acoustic section of her show unfurled, the pop symbol, clad in differing shades of blue suggestive of her 2014 collection "1989," revealed an unexpected that left fans in sheer bliss. Swift, known for her thoughtful re-accounts, declared the impending re-arrival of her Grammy-winning pop introduction. The crowd emitted with praise and a thunderous applause that appeared to resound forever.

Swift offered her ardent thanks, saying, "The last time that I was so agreeably amazed by some stuff that you folks did was the point at which I declared that I would have been re-recording… I needed to possess my music." Her assurance to recover her imaginative manifestations reverberated profoundly with fans who had earnestly upheld her excursion.

The zenith of the night showed up when, against the setting of her music, Swift uncovered the cover craftsmanship and delivery date of "1989 (Taylor's Variant)." The group was entranced as she then sent off into a hypnotizing execution of the fan-most loved track "New Sentimental people."

Taking to her Instagram account later, Swift shared her excitement, pronouncing this re-recording to be her number one because of the consideration of "5 From the Vault" tracks, a contribution that pleased her devotees.

All through the show, Swift shared close to home reflections, facetiously cautioning the crowd of her wealth of sentiments attached to the last demonstration of this visit leg. The truthfulness of her feeling was discernible as she drew in with the group, making an otherworldly connection between the stage and her admirers.

A zenith snapshot of the night unfurled during the "evermore" section when Swift, situated at the piano, performed "Champagne Issues." The group's reaction was a stunning thunderous applause that continued for eight minutes, a demonstration of the significant association between the craftsman and her fans.

Overpowered by the reaction, Swift shouted, "What's happening with you? Individuals have feelings. You're playing with them at this moment. I love you so much." Her real appreciation and wonder epitomized the remarkable experience that the night typified.

Swift, known for her liberality, as of late presented more than $55 million in rewards to her visit team, a motion that mirrors her obligation to the people who make her shows conceivable.

Her exceptionally expected visit, sent off in Spring, exhibited a striking 44-melody setlist spreading over 17 years of her renowned songwriting vocation. The show saw shock appearances, paramount minutes, and a large group of striking participants, reaffirming Swift's permanent effect on the universe of music and diversion.

Once more with the declaration of "1989 (Taylor's Rendition)" and the extraordinary presentation of association and feeling at her last LA show, Taylor Swift exhibits her masterfulness and her unmatched bond with fans.

[path-of-my-childhood]

About “Birch”: Honestly, it was like the most natural thing. With Birch we didn't actually even talk about it, it was that she had heard the song because Justin and I made Birch sort of before we started working on Folklore. So there was a version, it wasn't done but there was a pretty good version of it. And when Taylor and I started working together I showed her a lot of stuff I was working on, including Big Red Machine cause she's been a fan of the first Big Red Machine record. So she heard Birch and just fell in love with the song. And I think she much have been singing along to it, you know - she listens to a lot of music and she has a very obviously amazing mind for music and I think she just locked into what Justin was doing. So when we were finishing Folklore, it was actually the day that we recorded remotely “the 1″ and “hoax” I think, it was the last day of tracking of vocals on Folklore, and she at the end was like, 'Do you have Birch? Cause I have some ideas.' So I just opened it. Literally, that's how it happened. In one or two takes, she just nailed those harmonies and added these emphasis points. 

About “Renegade”: Renegade is a different story cause it was after we had finished Evermore. By that point, I started to dive back in Big Red Machine stuff, sort of feverishly, cause with Folklore and Evermore we made so many songs over those several months and it was such a whirlwind and I kind of set aside Big Red Machine for quite a while. But then both Just and Taylor and other friends were sort of like feeling like it was so much there and I dived back into it. I think it was in Taylor's mind to write a song for Big Red Machine, so she really wrote Renegade for Big Red Machine after Evermore. And I think that the energy in “Renegade,” and the production of it, and the way it feels and what it's about really connected to this record, so it made a lot of sense. I was obviously very grateful and moved when she sent that to me and then Justin added his parts. And again, they still haven't met but they sing so well together.

On the success of Folklore and Evermore: Taylor and I do talk about it, how crazy it is that that all happened. Cause I think to her also it's crazy, not so much in terms of winning the Grammy, she's won a lot of Grammys. I think more in terms of just this weird thing of how out of nowhere, these two albums happened. And no one was influencing them or, it was like a cocoon, we were on this weird life raft, just making these things and a lot of people have heard them and fell in love with them obviously, but at that time it felt like... I don't know, I would love it if every day felt like that.

About Taylor and Matt Berninger as songwriters: Yeah, both of them are truly gifted writers, in different ways but I think they both tap into something that's human and they have a powerful way of expressing aspects of life that we can all relate to and that storytelling... I mean, Taylor is more of a storyteller I would say, Matt is more cryptic sometimes with his lyrics. But I think they are both really, truly gifted lyricists and I empathize with what they write. That's what I love the most, when you write the songs with someone and their words take on meaning in your own life and you have your own interpretation of them. With Taylor, you know... like “’Tis the Damn Season” - that's not about me in any way but like, I feel so connected to it, I can't explain it. It just feels like that feeling, it sounds like the feeling of missing something in your past or when you go home at Christmas time and there's weird longing. But she somehow captures it.

[gossipgirls]

I LOVE EVERY PART OF YOU: a playlist for chuck & blair in season 5

01. lovesong by adele - “however far away, i will always love you; however long i stay, i will always love you; whatever words i say, i will always love you.” // 02. was i for you? by night beds - “was i for you? cause i’ll still for you; i’m all for you in my heart.” // 03. halcyon by ellie goulding - “i know it’s not over; baby, i worked this out for sure; it’s gonna be colder, now you’ve forced open the door; i know you better than i ever have before, i know you.” // 04. shrike by hozier - “i couldn’t utter my love when it counted, but i’m singing like a bird ’bout it now.” // 05. hope avenue by stars - “pick apart my words as i’m watching you move on; bitter pills that i’m swallowing, choking; but you’re better, but you’re better on your own for a while.” // 06. heart skipped a beat by the xx - “it’s been a while and you’ve found someone better, but i’ve been waiting too long to give this up; the more i see, i understand, but sometimes, i still need you.” // 07. **heartlines by florence + the machine - “your heart is the only place that i call home; can i be returned? you can, you can, we can.” // 08. i am easy to find by the national - “there’s a million little battles that i’m never gonna win anyway; i’m still waiting for you every night with ticker tape.” // 09. **slow by grouplove - “it’s you who brought me here, you through all these years.” // 10. **somebody that i used to know by gotye - “that was love and it’s an ache i still remember.” // 11. i always knew by the vaccines - “it’s you; oh, it’s always you; oh, i always knew; oh, it’s you.” // 12. **we are young by fun. - “let’s set the world on fire; we can burn brighter than the sun.” // 13. this love by taylor swift - “these hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me.” // 14. **shells of silver by the japanese popstars - “there’s a howling that stays beneath my skin.” // 15. cardigan by taylor swift - “i knew you’d come back to me.” // 16. wait by m83 - “there’s no end; there is no goodbye.” // 17. old money by lana del rey - “those summer nights seem long ago and so is the girl you used to call the queen of new york city, but if you send for me, you know i’ll come.” // 18. **video games by lana del rey - “singing in the old bars, swinging with the old stars, living for the fame. kissing in the blue dark, playing pool and wild darts, video games.” // 19. untouchable by taylor swift - “you gotta come on, come on, say that we’ll be together; come on, come on, little taste of heaven.” // 20. evermore by taylor swift - “can’t not think of all the cost or the things that will be lost; oh, can we just get a pause? to be certain we’ll be tall again.”

LISTEN: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0CbJmLV91lEUjOyzvWdVxm?si=c9b48b62c6ee4390

[swiftiephobe]

ok general thoughts: i really really like it!!!!! i've given it three full listens so far and i've enjoyed it more each time. i don't think it's much of a progression nor does it really bring anything super new to her discography but it does feel like a very refined/polished form of the pop sounds she's already explored. i'm not going to officially place it into my album ranking yet because i really need to wait and see how it settles. very very tentatively, it could maybe dethrone 1989 and take third spot (and best pop album spot) but that's a very very very early judgement. i also had lover in my top 3 a week after release so maybe you can understand my caution here asfhdhcjdjf

i do feel there was a bit of a bait-and-switch between the concept/visuals and the music which i think explains some of the initial negative reactions from some? especially since there was no single released there was a LOT of hype over what the album would sound like and the visuals being so 70s inspired but like... it's a straightforward pop album. i really really like it as i said but i can definitely understand why people are disappointed. i feel like if you're gonna leave that much mystery there has to be more of a pay off at the end than releasing songs that have the same dna as stuff you've released before. i also feel like more could've been done with the "midnights" concept in general, like it's there on some of the songs but the theme of "telling the story of 13 sleepless nights" doesn't really come through as strongly as i thought it would.

lyrics: it's a pop album so i wasn't expecting as much folklore/evermore "quill pen" lyricism. there's definitely a LOT more "glitter gel pen" lyrics but y'know she hasn't really been releasing those much in the past couple of years so i'll allow it!! i think overall the lyrics are good, they're a mixture of eloquent, detailed, vulnerable with a bit of cheek at the right moments too. that's not to say there aren't some clunkers on here but overall i think there aren't any songs that are diabolically bad lyrically which is great, and even some of the weaker songs lyrically make up for it in other ways

production: this has jack antonoff's style ALL over it and well i'm a slut for synths so i was always gonna like the production. if anything though it's a bit samey? don't get me wrong i prefer that to the total whiplash mess that was the lover tracklist, i definitely think midnights was a very pleasant listen all the way through and i can see it being an album i return to as a whole which is a win for me. however i do feel some of the songs are just kinda redundant and blend into each other. i'm sure the more i listen the more i will notice the little details that set them apart

anyway here's the track-by-track (under a cut because this post got LONG)

lavender haze: this is sooooo gorgeous, veeeeery sensual, this is probably one of the highlights for me. idk how i feel about it as an opening track; i feel like the "meet me at midnight" intro was definitely added on after she decided to make it the opener rather than it being an organic part of the song. but taking the song out of that context it's absolutely stunning

maroon: ahhh it IS like a grown-up version of red with the colour references. another one that's up the top for me, it's just so rich in imagery

anti-hero: mm there are things i like and things i don't. i really like when taylor properly self-reflects in her music and i do think it must be a really tricky thing to do knowing millions of people will be listening. however this kinda feels like it almost gets there but doesn't quite for me? like idk certain lyrics kinda feel like she's just mocking what people say about her which kinda takes away from what the song is meant to be. i'm kinda like "girlie you're soooo close" at certain points, there's just a certain level of sincerity lacking for me. absolutely love the lyric "i'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror" though. the bridge is great too. and despite some gripes about the lyrics the song is a certified bop

snow on the beach: she HAS to be trolling omg. i actually don't mind her backup vocal features but why hype up the lana feature just for lana to barely be present at all. i actually don't love the song either which is a shame because i love both taylor and lana as musicians :/ idk it's just kinda meh for me. also this song did not need to be explicit LMAO like there are a few of taylor's songs with swearing i feel is shoehorned in but i think this is particularly egregious

you're on your own kid: i think she's singing about her childhood/start of her career here???? at least at the start, the song as a whole is basically an autobiography. i honestly wasn't expecting that but i kinda love it, it feels really different from what she's sung about before and feels so vulnerable and honest (what anti-hero wishes it could be!), for sure a worthy track 5 which makes me happy because the title had me a bit dubious

midnight rain: some interesting production choices here... i can't really work out who she's singing about and i'm curious. i'm probably just oblivious

question...?: the eccentric title was not necessary ashfhsjfjskf this is not as experimental as i thought it might be. again i want to know who/what she's singing about??!?! both this and midnight rain just kinda come and go for me, like they're solid mid-tier in this album, good but not standouts

vigilante shit: ok this is one i was anticipating to not like as much based on the title and yeah. this is down the bottom for me, it's a bit corny. i think the story in the song is fiction/fantasy (definitely feels like taylor cosplaying as... something) but if it's real i want to know the tea

bejeweled: i do really like how vigilante shit flows into this song, they almost feel like they're a pair that go together. i also like it better than vigilante shit even though i keep hearing her say "hoe" in the chorus which is a bit of a scream (ik she's not i just keep hearing it!). add this to the list of "who the hell is she singing about" songs

labyrinth: the epiphany vibes!!!!!!!!! we won!!!!!!!! i love how this is a bit different from the other songs sonically, it's more of a slow burn. i think this is going to be a grower for a lot of people and one of those underground favourites that doesn't really get discussed much but has devoted fans nonetheless

karma: nahhhhh idc this is so fun. this song is gonna get dragged but i am going to be a karma apologist! karma IS a cat and it's purring in my lap. the girls who get it get it and the girls who don't don't

sweet nothing: this is a bit cutesy but y'know good for them!!! i like the instrumentation it's very sweet, this is the most stripped-back song i think so it'll probably just be more of a grower

mastermind: this was probably the song i was most curious about because it's a closing track and closing tracks always slap and "mastermind" was an intriguing title so i was like hmmm how is it gonna wrap up the album??! and i like it! i really love the production and how it builds and i think it does round out the album really well. the general themes explored and directions the album goes in are nicely brought together here which is exactly what i want from a closing track!

[obsessingmuch]

You've had a makeover! I like the contrast of the black and white dots to the rainbow ones. Did you find out if your person is okay?! I also did not realise I had ignored your questions. Please forgive my oversight :-(( I don't play fortnite anymore! My macbook Does Not Like it and I did download it onto the playstation but couldn't be bothered getting to grips with the controls so I gave up </3 But I did win a game once! Do you always do the classic 'gotta be the last one left out of 100' or do

you ever do that one where there's like two teams? Do you play solo or do you have fortnite friends? Other things I am into atm: sudoko, origami, and Taylor Swift. What are some subreddits you enjoy? i will say that I do spend a couple of hours a day on tiktok :/ but usually only when I go to bed and when I'm on my lunch break at work for some mindless entertainment. I don't feel good about it. But I get some chuckles every now and then. And there are always cute dog videos so who could say no?!

I'm glad it's not just me that's nostalgic for lockdown! Feels a bit weird to say that but I genuinely miss the one way systems at supermarkets and the like. I haven't seen any films on your two most recent lists (except for Mrs Doubtfire) but I have watched some youtube commentaries on the Vanessa Hudgens ones and got the impression that they weren't that great :/ Who are you watching on youtube these days? I did like Folklore and Evermore! I didn't love Folklore too much at first (as it came out when I wasn't listening to her all that much, and I don't really like soft-acoustic-y music so much) but it's really grown on me over the last couple of years and these days, she's all I listen to <3 From Folklore my faves are My Tears Ricochet and The Lakes, and from Evermore my faves are Champagne Problems, Gold Rush and Cowboy Like Me. Which album re-record are you most looking forward to? My other fave songs are Long Live, All Too Well, Out of the Woods, and Forever and Always.

I'm also very sorry for the amount of notifications you're about to get from me. BUT do you still follow Jedward and what they're up to?!

anon you are back!! I was wondering how long it would be until you replied again, if it would be weeks or months or years lol. I wasn’t expecting days! (I also didn’t know how long ago you sent the previous messages cos I had no timestamps in my inbox when I replied to them - when was it??)

I did have a makeover. the garrett watts sidebar image didn’t seem appropriate anymore so I just pulled my most random/non-fandom-related gif of mine out lol.

my person hasn’t posted since about 2019. I’m hoping they’re ok and just taking another tumblr break cos they’ve done that before.

and I forgive your oversight :D I understand the vibe of your macbook Not Liking It. mine didn’t either, so I installed Windows a couple of years ago and play from there (and also have the game graphics set incredibly low and my fans on an increased speed. it does ok tbh). amazing congrats on your win!!! I do have a couple of friends so usually play duos/trios - it’s very, very rare for me to play solos. I think I would get lonely and frustrated dying alone lol. on occasion I play squads with random fill friends (but sometimes those people are not so nice). maybe you need to install windows tbh and resume your fn career :D

subreddits, mostly I read AITA and relationships ones. so basically just people complaining about their life problems lol. how about you? which good ones am I missing?

youtube has been showing me tiktoks as youtube shorts so I have been spending lots of time on these for the past few weeks. currently the algorithm thinks I want to see a mixture of: engagement rings being handcrafted, a comedian lady who pretends to be an annoying mother/teacher character, a man cooking lunch for his wife, horses getting new horseshoes put on, golden retrievers, cakes being frosted, and tiktok fashion girls trying on clothes. what all things does tiktok show you??

the Knight Before Christmas was not good. BUT I did kinda like the Princess Switch ones lol. they were fun and easy to watch if you just want a happy albeit cheesy and I’m-definitely-older-than-the-target-audience-for-this movie and not a Serious Cinematic Marvel. 

youtubeeeeee I’m watching mostly hmmm. (edit: this was originally going to be a short list but it turned out longer than I expected): simply nailogical (esp. her podcasts), jammidodger and shaaba (highly recommend), molly burke, tom scott, ryland adams, hannah witton, jessica kellgren-fozard, carrie hope fletcher, louise pentland, vlogbrothers, a few fortnite youtubers, and the Cut and Jubilee channels. do you watch any of those? who are you watching?

I am a Bad Fan maybe cos I’m not getting the Taylor’s Version songs. I have all my music in iTunes so it’s not like I’m streaming and giving revenue for the old versions, but I like how the old ones sound for nostalgia and don’t want 2 of everything. but I have listened to some of the new ones to compare. and I have been getting any new ones that were previously-unrelated / From The Vault etc. sooooo I guess I’m not excited for any re-records specifically, but I will be interested to see how they sound. do you have the old or new versions?

jedward no lol. are they up to anything? occasionally I stumble across a tweet of theirs and I’ve noticed they now swear openly in tweets which I found amusing and not unexpected. and generally call out people for bad human rights / sexism / other isms. which I guess matches with 2011/12 jedward except now it comes with less sneakiness and more swears lol. 

this is such a long post. I hope my multitude of decimated followers have had a most enjoyable read :D

[iwanthermidnightz]

When she was 18, Taylor Swift wrote a song called “Fifteen.” “Back then I swore I was going to marry him someday, but I realized some bigger dreams of mine,” she sang, sounding more like a wizened great-grandmother than a rising senior.

“Fifteen” is evocative, if a little sanitized: Nimble mandolin strums mimic the nervous-excited butterflies of the first day of high school, as Swift sings of wide-eyed hope that “one of those senior boys will wink at you and say, ‘You know I haven’t seen you around before.’”

There was a certain emotional truth to the lyrics — do several years’ age difference ever seem more consequential than when you’re a teenager? — but some older listeners were skeptical. “You applaud her skill,” wrote a critic for the Guardian in a mixed review of Swift’s second album, “Fearless,” “while feeling slightly unsettled by the thought of a teenager pontificating away like Yoda.”

Swift, now 31, sings, “When you are young they assume you know nothing,” on “Folklore,” an LP that is both compositionally mature and braided throughout with references to the specific, oft-denigrated wisdom of teenagers. By the end of that song, “Cardigan,” the narrator has excavated such a heap of florid but emotionally lucid memories that she must conclude, with the force of a sudden revelation, “I knew everything when I was young.”

Though it’s not as flashy a topic as exes, fame or A-list celebrity feuds, age has long been a recurring theme in Swift’s work. A numerology enthusiast with a particular attachment to 13, Swift has also released a handful of songs whose titles refer to specific ages: “Seven,” “Fifteen,” and, of course, “22,” the chatty “Red” hit on which she summed up that particular junction of emerging adulthood as feeling “happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time.” Like her contemporary Adele, Swift seems to enjoy time-stamping her music, sometimes presenting it like a public-facing scrapbook that will always remind her what it felt like to be a certain age — even if, with their millions of fans and armfuls of Grammys, neither of these women is exactly typical.

Swift’s critics have often seemed even more hyper attuned to her age. Perhaps because precocity played such a role in her story from the beginning — at 14, she became the youngest artist to sign a publishing deal with Sony/ATV; at 20, she became the youngest to win the album of the year Grammy — many listeners have been fascinated with how her evolution into adulthood has, or hasn’t, played out in her songs. People comb Swift’s lyrics for allusions to sex, alcohol and profanity as meticulously as MPAA representatives do a borderline-PG movie. Particular attention was paid to her 2017 album “Reputation” and its several mentions of drunkenness and dive bars — even though Swift was 27 when it came out.

The relative puritanism of Swift’s music up until “Reputation” did feel like an intentional decision: Unlike the female pop stars who broadcast their “loss of innocence” as a sudden and irrevocable transformation, Swift seemed acutely conscious that she did not want to repel younger listeners — or lose the approval of their parents. At best, it felt like an acceptance of her status as a role model; at worst, it had the whiff of a marketing strategy.

But the mounting obsession with whether Swift was “acting her age” also reflected a larger societal double standard. Famous or not, women face much more intense scrutiny around age, whether it’s those constant cultural reminders of the biological clock’s supposed ticking or the imperative that women of all ages stay “fresh-faced” or risk their own obsolescence. (“People say I’m controversial,” Madonna said in 2016. “But I think the most controversial thing I have ever done is to stick around.”) And while girlish youth and ingenuity are rewarded in some contexts, they’re also easily dismissed as silly and frivolous as soon as that girl strays too close to the sun — as Swift has experienced time and again.

Despite having once been a teenage girl myself (unlike a lot of music critics), I confess that I am not completely free of these internalized biases. I was initially dismissive of “Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince,” a song that appeared on Swift’s 2019 album “Lover.” The first few times I heard it, I wondered what a grown woman on the cusp of 30 was doing still writing about homecoming queens and teenage gossip.

But over time, I’ve come to appreciate the song and its dark vision, which acknowledges cruelty, depression and the threat of sexual violence (“Boys will be boys then, where are the wise men?”) more directly than any of the songs Swift wrote when she was an actual teenager. The senior boys in this song are not the sort who wink and say to freshman girls wholesome things like, “Haven’t seen you around before” — which, unfortunately, makes them feel more authentic. Even the title “Miss Americana” alludes to a larger world outside the high school walls, and the greater systemic forces that keep such patterns repeating well into adulthood.

“Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince” now feels like a precursor to some of the richest songs on “Folklore,” which finds Swift returning once again to her school days with the keen, selectively observant eye of an adult. Consider “Seven,” an impressionistic recreation of her perspective at that age. The second verse, charmingly, plays like a first-grader’s breathless sequence of unguarded observations:

“And I’ve been meaning to tell you, I think your house is haunted, your dad is always mad and that must be why/And I think you should come live with me and we can be pirates, then you won’t have to cry.”

But “Seven” is not cutesy so much as poignant, because of the tensions that result when Swift’s adult perspective interjects. “Please, picture me in the trees, before I learned civility,” she sings in a yearning soprano, prompting the listener to wonder what sorts of feral pleasure she — and all of us — have exchanged for the supposed “civility” of adulthood.

Quite a few songs on “Evermore,” Swift’s second release of 2020, also toggle between past and present, conscious of what is lost and gained by the passage of time. The playful “Long Story Short” passes a note to Swift’s younger self (“Past me, I wanna tell you not to get lost in these petty things”), while “Dorothea,” like “Seven,” revisits a fevered childhood friendship from the cool perspective of adulthood.

Most striking is the bonus track “Right Where You Left Me,” a twangy tale of a “girl who got frozen” (“Time went on for everybody else, she won’t know it/She’s still 23, inside her fantasy”). That language echoes something Swift admits in the 2020 Netflix documentary “Miss Americana”: “There’s this thing people say about celebrities, that they’re frozen at the age they got famous. And that’s kind of what happened to me. I had a lot of growing up to do just trying to catch up to 29.”

But Swift’s recent songs, at their best, understand that “growing up” isn’t always a linear progression in the direction of something more valuable. Take the “Folklore” songs “Cardigan” and “Betty,” which use an interconnected set of characters to chronicle teenage drama and celebrate the heightened emotional knowledge of youth. “I’m only 17, I don’t know anything, but I know I miss you,” Swift sings in the voice of James, a high schooler who broke Betty’s heart and has shown up on her doorstep to ask forgiveness. Maybe that is a melodramatic thing to do; maybe it is the sort of thing adults could stand to do more often. Swift’s music helps us to remember that growing up doesn’t automatically mean growing wiser — it can just as easily mean compromise, self-denial and growing numb to emotions we once felt with bracing intensity.

In a gesture to regain control of her songs, Swift is currently rerecording her first six albums (her master recordings were recently sold by Scooter Braun’s Ithaca Holdings to the investment firm Shamrock Capital). Last month she released a note-for-note update of her early hit “Love Story,” and has promised to release an entire new-old version of “Fearless (Taylor’s Version)” later this year. It has been amusing to think of Swift going back and inhabiting the voice of her teenage self: On the face of it, “Fifteen” is particularly surreal to imagine her singing as an adult.

In another way, though, “Fifteen” — with its distant reflections on the youthful folly of expectations — makes more sense and carries more emotional weight being sung by a 30-something than it does an 18-year-old. Perhaps Swift was preparing for such an exercise when she made “Folklore,” an album that shakes off years of scrutiny and finds her reveling in the creative freedom to be as young or as old as she wants to be.

[mooosicaldreamz]

We obviously need your song by song analysis of evermore please!

i got asked to do this about four times so here it is.....much anticipated. i know. please note that when i say that i hate her or despise her i don’t actually mean that. but i do

EVERMORE

OK LETS GO

WILLOW - ok, groovy first time you hear it, right? has a strong rumbly wiggle. let’s VIBE. the low of the verse, the high of the chorus…oh my goodness! what is she doing. she’s just out there! wow. “wherever you stray i follow” is a banger. “life was a willow and it bent right to your wind” with the overlay oof let’s go.!!!! a shockingly strong first entry of the record…best one since “welcome to new york” maybe!!! let’s just say it!!! for some reason “i come back stronger than a 90s trend” throws me off though…i don’t know. it’s just so moody pop, no one is doing it like her!!! i hate her

CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS - every time i listen to this song i listen to it four times. not a joke. it’s perfect. i don’t think i need to convince anyone! it’s perfect!!!!! what are you doing? taylor swift, the most dramatic bitch, has been writing dramatic bitch songs since she was fourteen and yet, somehow, she contrives to write even more dramatic things as she ages. this song is a JOKE. there are not ENOUGH songs about denying proposals! it’s just simple and sad. oh my god. it’s insane. the fact that she wrote this with her boyfriend (i have a running theory that they are married, we are going to refer to joe as her Perfect and Glorious Husband from now on) …… come on. the ENTIRE BREAKDOWN. “YOUR MIDAS TOUCH ON THE CHEVY DOOR / NOVEMBER FLUSH YOUR FLANNEL CURE / THIS DORM WAS ONCE A MADHOUSE / I MADE A JOKE WELL ITS MADE FOR ME / HOW EVERGREEN OUR GROUP OF FRIENDS / DON’T THINK WE’LL SAY THAT WORD AGAIN / AND SOON THEY’LL HAVE THE NERVE TO DECK THE HALLS THAT WE ONCE WALKED THROUGH” ……. concluding with that absolute stabby killer “what a shame she’s fucked in the head” oh my god……….. and the song resolving in a very adult “you’ll find someone else” god

GOLD RUSH - ok so like this song is like ok it’s got the same groovy high /low that’s happening on willow but it’s so different! it’s so good! the pulse of the beat propelling the whole thing through and then the falling apart “oh what must it be like to grow up that beautiful”……………..ok. the visceral image of “my eagles t-shirt hanging from the door” …………. i admire very much taylor’s oncoming gift of moving through high/low imagery…… i love her so much? it’s so HARD. “my mind turns your life into folklore” beautiful! BEAUTIFUL! also i have some belief in me that this is about karlie kloss but i shall not dive into that hole.

TIS THE DAMN SEASON - oh so i’m supposed to LIVE with this song EXISTING. WHY!!!! HOW……..oh my god………..taylor was like, yes, i’m going to write a song about a famous girl going home and banging her high school flame for a week and jack and aaron were like oh ok. “i parked my car between the methodist and the school that used to be ours.” she is such a joke. “you could call me babe for the weekend” like ok emo!! emo!!! OK. I LOVE THIS SONG

TOLERATE IT - taylor really gave us the most depressing track 5, but it’s absolutely a banger and i love her! she is just vibing! oh my god. what a specific emotion to pinpoint with this song….it’s such a gift. no one is hitting this space

NO BODY NO CRIME - this song has no business being on this record but in the BEST WAY, like how daddy lessons mysteriously appears in the middle of lemonade. oh my goodness. this is just pure country revenge song. taylor was like oh actually i haven’t forgotten my roots and i hate men more than i ever have. and she got haim to sing with her. and it’s so good. the low “i think he did it” oh my goodness. this song is a joke. how is it real? it’s just a perfect radio song. it reminds me very much of “before he cheats” but it’s a lot more sonically calm

HAPPINESS - similar to “tolerate it” and i think “champagne problems” this song is beating on an emotional bush that is really really hard to hit the head of. like, so she collabed with the national and bon iver on this record and previous obvi, and i LOVE them, but their music can often be very………impressionistic? perhaps? is how i might put it. it’s sometimes hard to get a note of specificity from it. imo. but taylor loves a fucking story bro. and she has figured out how to tell made up stories. she can’t be stopped now. like…this space of a breakup and knowing that it’s for the best and being sad in this way? name a pop star who has a song this nuanced. for real! god. i despise her. “across a great divide / there is a glorious sunrise”

DOROTHEA - the other half to the far superior TIS THE DAMN SEASON and a banger all the same. it has the bouncy joy of the most buoyant national songs. in the same vein as the also far superior BETTY, she has her sweet dumb boy slurry and less intelligent voice. i love that she paints these narrators this way, it’s just nothing she would have ever reached for ever before this period. she has a Perfect and Glorious Husband now and she has begun to understand teenage boys, FINALLY.

CONEY ISLAND - i have upon many occasions opined that i love the national VERY MUCH. i once went to a festival with my gf and her sister to see them even though i was expressly not invited and you know what despite the fact that it caused a lot of angst, i got to see the national play TERRIBLE LOVE in the middle of the night and I SCREAMED IT. so like, listen. what is matt berninger doing here, to me, specifically????????? i was somewhat hesitant about how their voices might blend, but it works astonishingly well. and i think that it’s so wonderful, i can’t. the imagery of a dreary coney island…..”sorry for not winning you an arcade ring.” as taylor always proves, the bridge is spectacular. “were you standing in the hallway / with a big cake / happy birthday”……”and when i got into the accident / the sight that flashed before me was your face / but when i walked up to the podium / i think that i forgot to say your name” sorry to yOU calvin. she had ISSUES. and now she has a Perfect and Glorious Husband. also “sorry for not making you my centerfold” ok kaylor

IVY - this song is about emily dickinson and i DARE you to tell me that i’m wrong. I DARE YOU. I DARE YOU. you’d be wrong! embarrassing for you. taylor finally writing a probably legitimate queer song and it’s about fucking emily dickinson is so on brand…..it’s dripping with poetry and groove and she’s so fucking dumb i hate her so much. her narrative of ivy and poetry and the lakes district…….ok taylor. i know. i know you watched all the dickinson things that came out and you identified with her. the gentle sway of the “oh, goddamn” and the “oh, i can’t”……i CAN’T EITHER TAYLOR !!! i CAN”T TAYLOR!!!! “oh goddamn / my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand / taking mine but it’s been promised to another / oh i can’t / stop you putting roots in my dreamland” TAYLOR. and then she says, “oh you didn’t realize this wasn’t gay?” “i want to know the fatal flaw that makes you long to be magnificently cursed” like @ emily yourself taylor ���he wants what’s only yours”……TAYLOR. give me the entire catalogue of emily dickinson songs!!!!! i can’t do this. “springs breaks loose / but so does fear” “i’d live and die for moments that we stole / on begged and borrowed time / so tell me to run / or dare to sit and watch what we’ll become / and drink my husband’s wine.” taylor if you see this post, a, i love you, b, i need you to tell me about ivy, and c, PLEASE can i have tickets to your next tour in the year 2025 or whenever because my gf never buys me any to your shows……….i love this song if it isn’t clear. i think i’d love it if it wasn’t gay

COWBOY LIKE ME - ok this will sound weird and if you’ve read this far i’m going to assume that you don’t care about me being weird…but this song reminds me of the fanfiction STAY THE NIGHT by lynnearlington (maybe u’ve heard of it). please reply if you think about this and feel the same. “never wanted love / just a fancy car” “you had some tricks up your sleeve / takes one to know one / you’re a cowboy like me” the opening line re: the tent-like thing reminds me very strongly of the fourth of july at our family’s country club and they set up a tent over the parking lot and this song just makes me think of that vibe????? i don’t know. i have vibes. i love this song a lot, which is impressive because it follows after the gay euphoria of IVY. perhaps this is because it gives me its own gay euphoria. “now you hang from my lips like the garden babylon” ???? is one of the most gay, seductive, brutal lyrics i have ever heard. she wrote that down and was like, oh yeah, vibez, hundo p. she did that to me

LONG STORY SHORT - this song is an honorary sequel to I FORGOT THAT YOU EXISTED from the lover era (honestly i’m still in the lover era). but i actually think this song is better! so we are taking that. “actually i’ve always thought that i looked better from the rearview” ok taylor let’s access that feeling! “no more keeping score / i just keep you warm” is like, stupidly sweet.  rip to calvin but now taylor has a Perfect and Glorious Husband.

MARJORIE - made me cry, simple and beautiful. one of the more personal songs on the tracklist! and something that i had never considered that she would write about, but i think the quarantine period has allowed a lot of us to dig into our feelings, so….vibez. we’re vibing!

CLOSURE - this song’s production sounds a lot like bon iver’s recent productions, very tech-y and repetitive and spare. rip to karlie kloss but taylor has a Perfect and Glorious Husband and karlie’s legal last name is kushner so who really won? hmm? i love “i’m fine with my spite / and my tears / and my beers / and my candles” the inclusion of candles is just. vibez. there are four candles lit rn in our apartment!

EVERMORE - i think this song is very intriguing and i’m still puzzling with it! the simplicity of her depressive gray November phase and then the very ebullient and bold bon iver interlude……..really has a manic/depressive, sad/angry vibe???? it feels so on brand for this pandemic quarantine…..and it works shockingly well, except for that i’d rather listen to the bon iver part for 10 minutes more. “all my waves are being tossed / is there a line that i can just go cross” and then taylor’s sort of call and response with his interlude……should just be the whole song.  but it’s still good. that’s how annoying she is

[catargott]

when you speedrun evermore looking for taylor swift lyrics that reminds you of supercorp :)

this is in no particular order btw because speedrunning means idek how many songs there are and i have definitely not looked at the tracklist

oh and i know there are some people who don’t particularly like her music and that’s okay! you can just ignore this haha (or read about her lyricism, either way works for me <3)

happiness

there'll be happiness after you but there was happiness because of you both of these things can be true there is happiness

starting out angsty as i always do :)

but basically for this one i really see both of them kind of thinking it over and wanting to move on but also not wanting to move on and it’s really just so s5 i can’t think of it any other way

haunted by the look in my eyes that would've loved you for a lifetime leave it all behind and there is happiness

i would say this is lena talking because kara probably could tell and it probably really set in after lena left so once again s5 vibes from this and “it was never meant to be” aesthetic

tell me, when did your winning smile begin to look like a smirk? when did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt? i hope she'll be your beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you no, i didn't mean that sorry, i can't see facts through all of my fury you haven't met the new me yet

so i took this as both a little bit of lena and lex at the beginning but also a little bit of season 5 lena at the end especially because it seems her anger was kind of blinding her to everything else

after giving you the best i had tell me what to give after that all you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness you haven't met the new me yet and i think she'll give you that

this is also lena but closer to the end of season 5, when she realizes and begins to forgive kara

cowboy like me

you're a bandit like me eyes full of stars hustling for the good life never thought i'd meet you here it could be love we could be the way forward and i know i'll pay for it

so in the previous verse, it references the rich people paying for it literally, but i don’t think that’s all it means in this verse, and it kind of reminded me of lena and kara because they really did pay for loving each other

now you hang from my lips like the Gardens of Babylon with your boots beneath my bed forever is the sweetest con

honestly this isn’t even for a specific reason, i just felt it screaming supercorp at me haha. i mean that last line is so in character and cynical and it really echoes the idea of them wanting forever together but knowing they can’t have it

and i'm never gonna love again i'm never gonna love again i'm never gonna love again

this is mostly self-explanatory and applies to both of them because we all know they would never be able to move on if one or the other left in any way and we also know that the one left behind would stop at nothing to get them back (as we’ve seen in season 5)

‘tis the damn season

it's the kind of cold, fogs up windshield glass but i felt it when i passed you there's an ache in you, put there by the ache in me but if it's all the same to you it's the same to me

this makes me think of both of them. it makes me think of lena after she apologized and kara was still cold to her but it also makes me think of kara after the big reveal and then the fortress scene and how she would see lena afterwards and realize just how much she’d hurt her. anyway here’s me overthinking and adding angst lol

tolerate it

okay so i don’t have any specific verses for this but something about it really just echoes the sadness in both of them during season 5 so i highly recommend going to listen to it and then you can see what you think of it (i recommend listening to all of them because wow the album is phenomenal but yeah this one for sure because it’s got /something/ about it)

dorothea

it's never too late to come back to my side the stars in your eyes shined brighter in Tupelo and if you're ever tired of bеing known for who you know you know, you'll always know me, Dorothea

this really makes me think of kara talking to lena or just kara at lena during season 5. the first line and then basically this entire verse is just all kara at lena during s5

gold rush

everybody wants you everybody wonders what it would be like to love you walk past, quick brush i don't like slow motion, double vision in rose blush i don't like that falling feels like flying 'til the bone crush everybody wants you but i don't like a gold rush

this really makes me think of either of them kind of falling for each other but either ignoring it or remaining in denial because it would be difficult and it would never work and the reasons go on and on and on

i can't dare to dream about you anymore at dinner parties i won't call you out on your contrarian shit and the coastal town we never found will never see a love as pure as it 'cause it fades into the gray of my day-old tea 'cause it will never be once again the idea of it never being possible is present and then there’s an added side of denial at the beginning, too. i wouldn’t say this is entirely canon but i can’t really say it isn’t either

ivy

oh, goddamn my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand taking mine, but it's been promised to another oh, i can't stop you putting roots in my dreamland my house of stone, your ivy grows and now i'm covered in you

this really makes me think of them and i can’t tell who it is because it really blurs and it could really be both of them. they definitely both are very deeply entangled and season 5 caused some things to rip out and just the covered in you bit is so supercorp-esque because they really can’t separate without leaving scars. and their separation always causes a wave that crashes on all the people around them.

and the pain thing is also so supercorp-esque because lena is always cold (this might just be a headcanon i can’t tell the difference at this point haha) and so it could be kara talking but it could also be alluding to when kara was trapped in the fortress and the fortress is literally made of ice so it could also be lena talking.

anyway yeah ivy is basically just entirely supercorp and you should also really go listen to it.

long story short

'cause i fell from the pedestal right down the rabbit hole long story short, it was a bad time pushed from the precipice clung to the nearest lips long story short, it was the wrong guy now i'm all about you

...

climbed right back up the cliff long story short, i survived now i'm all about you

(same verse but different ending)

this really makes me think of either of them tbh. it’s all about falling from where they were, falling apart after the separation, and they went to the wrong people (or at least lena did) and then she apologized at the end of s5.

no more tug of war now i just know there's more (know there's more) no more keepin' score now i just keep you warm (keep you warm) and my waves meet your shore ever and evermore

this is also how they come back together because they stop trying to get even and it’s about healing and coming back together again.

past me i wanna tell you not to get lost in these petty things your nemeses will defeat themselves before you get the chance to swing and he's passing by rare as the glimmer of a comet in the sky and he feels like home if the shoe fits, walk in it everywhere you go

this could also fit for both of them, but it really fits for lena in my opinion. there’s the thing about the shoe fitting and it makes me think of katie not liking heels haha. but more important there’s the past me, don’t get lost in the petty things, probably referring to her want to get revenge, to get even. and then, i might be overthinking/over-analyzing a bit, but the comet in the sky thing makes me think of how kara crashed to earth and how she really is just as rare, if not more, as a comet.

anyway yeah that’s all the analysis i had basically so this is just out there now haha but yeah i kinda felt the need to do this since i didn’t really with folklore and that album was absolutely loaded with sc lyrics and songs so here i am for evermore :)

[lilyhandmaiden]

The Things That Have Gotten Me Through 2020

In the last few minutes of 2020, I thought I would share some of the little things that have brought me joy and comfort and, when both of those were in short supply, have dragged me forward through this year.

12 Monkeys (TV series)

I started watching the 2015-2018 SyFy series 12 Monkeys, which revolves around time travel being invented to stop a humanity-ending pandemic, in February or so, right before it became clear that the current pandemic was going to have a big impact on all our lives. It was... weird timing. Nevertheless, in the early days of lockdown, etc., all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and escape by watching this ragtag group of idiots save the world and, eventually, Time Itself. They were, overall, very bad at it, always getting in their own way, but they won anyway, and that felt strangely encouraging. The show is not unproblematic at times, but its overall message is that, while endings are inevitable, the relationships we form and the choices we make matter. That was something I needed to hear and take to heart. Plus, the series introduced me to Jennifer Goines, one of my all-time favorite fictional characters. As played by Emily Hampshire (Stevie from Schitt’s Creek in a role as unlike Stevie as it is possible to be, at least in terms of self-expression), Jennifer is “brave, impulsive, irrationally rational,” and a force of radical love and compassion for her friends and, ultimately, for herself—even if her brain never works the way she wants it to. May we all try to live in the happily ever now.

 Schitt’s Creek winning all the Emmys

Schitt’s Creek was my big discovery of last year, and its amazing character development in a story about finding oneself and forming connections in the process of starting all over was hugely important to me upon entering into post-academic life. This year, I’ve loved seeing this show’s snowballing popularity, which culminated in its sweep of the Emmy comedy category. Watching the ceremony at home with my cat, I screamed as those wins piled on (not as loudly as Sarah Levy up in Canada, but still). Legends Catherine O’Hara and Eugene Levy with their first acting Emmys! Dan Levy for writing and directing and acting on his first series doing any of those in a major capacity! Annie Murphy, for her hilarious and heartbreaking and inspiring and masterful portrayal of Alexis Rose, after she was told she couldn’t do comedy without comedy lessons and almost quit acting! The COSTUMES. No cast and crew have ever been more deserving. Love that journey for them! And the fan celebrations afterward were such an expression of communal joy at a time when joy and community were not so easy to come by.

 Folklore and Evermore and Taylor Swift

           It took me about a month to get around to listening to Taylor Swift’s first surprise pandemic album, folklore. Once I did, though, I couldn’t seem to stop. There were stretches of weeks when I only listened to folklore. It was for working and driving and writing and cleaning and thinking. It’s sonically soothing and lyrically gorgeous, pulling from literature, history, memory, isolation. I’ve never listened to an album where I can pick out so many favorite individual lines before. I’ve always admired Swift most for her storytelling, so it’s no huge surprise that I love this album, where she embraces the storyteller role. Still, I’d only really paid attention 1989 and her singles before—and not really even to her singles over the past few years. After about a month of only listening to folklore, all the time, like it had me hypnotized, I decided it might be worth listening through the entire Taylor Swift discography.

           I fell in love with folklore as an album for its bittersweet, nostalgic feel that spoke so perfectly to this moment in time, but the exact moment I fell for Taylor Swift as an artist might have been when my jaw dropped at the cutting specificity of, “Don’t you think nineteen’s too young to be played by your dark, twisted game?” in “Dear John.” And then when I cackled as she wrapped up the song with, “The girl in the dress wrote you a song. You should’ve known.” That was when I started to appreciate Taylor Swift for the way she has, from a very young age, understood her power as a storyteller, and specifically as the teller of her own story. “I was there. I remember it,” she emphasizes over and over in song after song, seizing the authority she might otherwise be denied as a young woman (“when you are young, they assume you know nothing”). Plus, her use of imagery is unparalleled. folklore spoke to this moment in time, but there is a Taylor Swift song for every possible moment and mood, and that became a comfort and escape of its own.

           So, by the time evermore came out, I was able to appreciate it as an event. And that, in these times, is no small thing. evermore is the wilder and sadder of the twin albums, and its songs revolve around endings and, on the other side, improbable hope. Here’s to this pain not being for evermore. Take a nap, Taylor. You’ve earned it.

 Writing

At the end of grad school, I felt like I might never write creatively again. I was afraid that creative part of me had withered up and died. But last year, slowly, it started to come back, and this year it’s been one of my main sources of joy. I’ve written thousands of words, and I’m actually enjoying the process of doing it and proud of the outcome. I know and understand why a lot of people have struggled to be creative this year, but for me, writing my way into another world where I am actually in control of what happens has been my favorite way of escaping this one. It’s all I want to do all day while I’m sitting at work, doing official correspondence. I’m even writing original fiction for the first time in ages, and you know what? It’s not nearly as scary or difficult as I was afraid it would be. Plus, I love talking about writing, sharing enthusiasm and working through problems, with friends. I’m not a fast writer, but I hope to do more of it, and find a way to do it more consistently, in 2021.

 Texting with friends

I haven’t been perfect at it, but I made the decision at the beginning of 2020, before All This even really got started, to do a better job at keeping in touch with my friends. In a year when we’ve had to reconfigure so many things we care about, I can wholeheartedly recommend a weekly text with friends as a way of keeping those relationships and those people prominent in your life. Throughout the year, reaching out on a regular basis to the people I love—when I need them, when they need me, just to say hi—has deepened relationships I care about and has been a constant source of comfort, stability, and fun. So much emotional and physical good has come out of it for me and, I hope, for others as well. This is a part of the year I’m really proud of, and I intend to continue, expand, and refine this program in 2021.

 Learning to cook things

At the beginning of the year, I set the modest goal of learning to cook one simple thing each month of the year. When so many other goals and aspirations got blown up, this is one I was able to keep to for the most part. The holidays got in the way at the very end, but I did learn to cook 10 new things this year. For a person who could cook almost nothing before, this is big progress. It worked so well that this is another program I intend to carry on into 2021.

 My nephew

Last year, I was looking forward to the day when this kid would be able to recognize me. Last weekend, he came running to be picked up with a big smile when I came through the door and hugged me when I left. It’s possible that he thinks Aunt Erin With a Mask and Aunt Erin Without a Mask (the latter of whom appears only rarely) are two different people, but he loves both of us, and we love him. I can’t wait to see what he’s learned by this time next year. I hope the world is a friendlier place for him by then.

Happy New Year!

[vanchlo]

The Assistant / Chapter Forty-Five, “Evermore”

*Gif’s not mine*

Clickable Links:

- Masterlist feat. all chapters and Character Surveys

- Inspo tag

- Hecky Playlist

- Read on Wattpad

- Warnings: Mentions of hospital care

- Word Count: 7k words

“Her face is stuck in every place.

The front door, the ghost of her winter boots on the door mat, the barstools at the kitchen island where we laughed over glasses of her Rebecca wine, the crusty banana bread forgotten on the counter, the head of the kitchen table where we burned our mouths on pot pie, and that’s not even the worst of it. The blanket from Sunday night remains in a messy pile on the sofa, just how we had left it. My chest shakes harder with another sob at the sight of it, and the wine glasses I had forgotten on the coffee table beside the bottles of nail polish.

Memories flood my insides when I sink onto the cushions, my head in my hands as her laugh from only three days ago fills my ears.”

Music Inspo: Hold My Girl by George Ezra (click to listen)

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”

― Henry Miller

I’m woken from my dreams due to movements within my arms. Knuckling at my eyes with a groan, I look around, feeling regrettable about the reality that I had come back to. The one that I was previously immersed in was far better, and brings a reminiscent smile to my lips at the remembrance of. Settling my eyes on her, wrapped up safely inside of my arms, my lazy lips curl into a larger smile at the thought. 

Her with her own arms holding a blue-eyed, dark-haired little baby with me at her side. Talk about dreamy. 

Her forehead is warm underneath my lips, and soft as ever. The creamy vanilla lotion she uses leaves hints of the fragrance across her face, one of the few necessities Skye grabbed from home today. I brush away the loose waves that drape over her skin, but within seconds, I wish that I hadn’t when I find the stitches and colors claiming her. 

A noise interrupts my thoughts and when I look up, the nurse is standing at my side clearing her throat. Her arms are crossed over her chest and she’s shaking her head at me. 

“Harry,” she sighs, wagging a finger at me dramatically. 

“Kristi, I know, ‘m not s’posed t’ be up here. ‘m sorry, but she was hysterical from a nightmare, and I couldn’t get her t’ calm down,” I confess in a dry voice. 

Relenting with a sigh, she whispers her reply, “Alright, but you need to be careful of her IV tubing, as well as her injuries. I don’t want anybody else in her family thinking that we allow this kind of thing,” she pauses to wink, and I nod with understanding. “I’m glad you mentioned the nightmare, though, that’s something that I need to record.” 

She follows up her lecture with a few quiet questions about the nightmare Becks had, and she types them in the laptop she brought in with her. Her eyebrows greeted her hairline when I mentioned Becks saying that she’s starting to remember, and that being the sole reason for the nightmare. 

It could never feel sufficient, the number of whispery kisses I press to her battered skin, asleep or not. Bloody hell, is she so beautiful, I muse while admiring Becks below me, sleeping peacefully. Finally. I never want to stop kissing her, but soon after those thoughts sound in my skull, my heavy eyelids yell for me to close them. Giving in, they win and I fall into the soundest sleep I’ve had in days. 

+

My own name rouses me from my sleep, and it takes a few moments of adjusting to remember where I am. It’s quicker than yesterday, making me realize how used to all of this I’m getting. I’m not entirely sure how to feel about that, but it’s all washed away when I find the baby blue pair of eyes waiting for me. 

“Morning,” she rasps, her voice sounding almost entirely hers now. I couldn’t be happier about it as her head remains on my shoulder, eyes poised towards me. 

“G’mornin’, my sweet. How’d ya sleep fer tha rest o’ tha night?” I yawn, tapping her nose with my finger. 

“Great,” she smiles and I nod happily, soon echoing her words. “Best I’ve slept here so far.”

“‘m so happy t’ hear that, bug,” I grin and she just stares back at me, something ethereal covering her body in front of me. My, is she something else entirely, I wonder silently. Glancing to my watch, my eyebrows shoot towards the ceiling. “Reckon we both needed it, ‘s bloody ten in tha mornin’, love.”

The softest of laughs tickles my ears, yanking my lips towards the sky effortlessly. There it is, at last, my favorite sound in the entire world. Well, next to her sing-song voice, that’s my favorite song of all.

“I missed hearin’ that,” I whisper, brushing the back of my finger against her satiny cheek. She just continues to smile, and my heart couldn’t feel fuller in this moment. 

She’s okay, she’s smiling, she’s laughing, she’s so goddamn beautiful even with bruises and stitches, she’s mine, and she’s okay. 

“How’re ya feelin’, bug? I hope I didn’t knock into ya in tha middle o’ tha night, or hurt ya or anythin’.” 

“I’m okay, kinda hungry,” she answers, combing a hand through her hair and pausing to scratch an itch. “Head feels heavy and hurts though, and my tummy a little too.” 

“That’s good yer hungry, yer appetite ‘s comin’ back. Here, lemme slide out and ‘ll press on yer pain pump.” 

“No, Harry,” she objects, grabbing hold of my arm the second I make a movement. “Don’t leave, you’re all warm,” she whines, moving closer to me and grabbing a fistful of my button up in her hand. 

Now, it’s my turn to giggle, “‘Kay, but only a few mo’ minutes, I don’t wantcha t’ be in pain, babe,” I coo, beginning to drag my fingers through her hair, but when I watch her eyes close, I stop. I know that she’ll fall back asleep if I do and she needs it, but I’m reminded of the day nurse emphasizing yesterday the importance of her needing to eat. “Don’t fall asleep again yet, bug, ya need yer breakfast. Ya gotta eat t’ heal and get betta.” 

“Okay,” she sighs sadly, slowly opening her eyes and looking back up at me. 

“Yer eye ‘s lookin’ betta. Reckon it doesn’t help much without yer glasses tho’,” I snicker and her smile grows an inch. “Skye was gonna bring some contacts o’ yers from home t’day, and see if you could wear them. I bet that’d help loads.” 

“Yeah,” she hums in reply. “Are you gonna go home too?” Becks asks gently, a curious sadness hidden behind her words. She’s never been very good at hiding her feelings, let alone lying, and I’ve come to be rather good at reading her. 

“For a li’l bit, if that’s okay with you.”

“But I’ll miss you,” she answers, looking away to hide the wetness growing in her eyes, but I catch it at the last second. My thumb finds a holding on her chin, and I turn her head to look back at me. 

“I won’t be gone long, bug, and it’ll prolly be later when sumbody else can be here with you. Jus’ wanna go home and grab a few things, and shower so I don’t stink anymo’,” I tell her, willing her to look me in the eyes. To my surprise, she does almost the second the thought trickles into my mind. The sight of her glassy eyes wrenches at my heart, and brushing them away with my finger hardly helps. “And t’ pack a bag so I have clothes and me things t’ keep me set here fer awhile so I don’t hafta leave again fer a while, besides showers. ‘ll hafta see if they have a family room o’ sorts t’ take showers here or sumthin’.” 

“Okay,” she says, closing her eyes once again. Another tear leaks from her eye and I catch it as soon as it escapes. “Come back.” 

“Always, Becks, y’know that,” I tell her, eliciting a nod into my chest. 

“I felt so much better sleeping next to you. Safer.”

“Me too, baby. I wish we could do it ev’ry night, I like havin’ ya tucked away in me arms all safe and sound,” I echo, smoothing back her hair before I plant a kiss to the crown of her head. My special spot. “I love you,” I mouth against her hair, much too afraid to let the sounds free from my lips with all that’s going on and the perhaps fluke from the other night. “So much.” 

+

“Stop,” she giggles against my cheek, and I swear, there’s never been a better song written in the whole universe. I continue to scatter kisses across her face, until my last one finds her nose. “Go home, you smell.” 

“Hey!” I protest, finding her happy smile with my own two eyes. A sight in and of itself. “I don’t smell.”

“Yes, you do,” Becks giggles, the sound slowly falling away as my eyes find hers. Within a blink, her lips find mine and press a deep kiss to my own. It couldn’t last long enough and then I’m looking into those eyes that I hope and dream my children get to have, but it’s forgotten when hers flood with tears. “I’ll miss you.” 

“‘ll be back inn’a hour, love, no longa than that. I promise,” I insist, holding her cheek in my hand, and saddening at her question of what I’m doing again. “‘m goin’ home t’ take a shower, pack a bag, and grab me car. I won’t be long.”

“Oh yeah, I remember you saying that now. I’m sorry, I can’t remember for shit,” she frowns, eyes growing wetter by the second. 

“‘s okay, ‘m here t’ help ya rememba. Are ya sure you’ll be okay with me gone for a li’l bit? Skye, yer dad, and Robbie are here. Try t’ get some rest while ‘m gone, ya need it,” I say, drawing waves back and forth on her cheek and pressing a quick kiss to her lips that I can’t resist. 

“I’m fine, Harry. I wanna watch Harry Potter.”

“No, ya need t’ sleep, honeybug. Ya watched tha whole second one with me, that’s two and a half hours, Becks. Ya haven’t slept since ya woke up, and that was five hours ago,” I argue, widening my eyes at her and wishing she’d surrender her stubbornness already. “Stop bein’ stubborn,” I giggle, and it only comes harder when her features fall into her famous pout, one that’s harder to resist given the circumstances. She’s just too bloody cute. 

“Fine,” she sighs, blinking hard and soon yawning. 

“Told ya yer tired, ya gotta listen t’ me sumtimes, cuz ‘m right.”

“No, you’re not,” she smirks, and I roll my eyes with a snicker.

“See ya soon, brat,” I chuckle as her eyes fall closed, pulling the blankets up past her shoulders and tucking them underneath her. The sight of her white arm cast will never get easier, I suspect, but who said that any part of this has gotten easier on Day Two? “‘ll be back inna hour, my sweet. Get some rest, and ‘ll see if tha nurse will let us have a cuddle when I get back. Sweet dreams, Becks.”

“Bye, Harry. Drive safe,” she drawls, words floating away from her as sleep nears her. “Come back.” 

“I will, baby. Always,” I hum against her forehead, leaving one last kiss there. Straightening my back, my thumb remains glued to her cheek, only leaving to wipe away the tear that escapes from my eye. “I love you,” I whisper under my breath, taking the first step away from her. 

I’ve always found it hard to walk away from her, but I couldn’t hate it more than I do in this very moment. It’s never frightened me so much to leave her, as it does now, seeing as I know how quickly things can change when one leaves. 

“She’ll be okay, I’ll sit with her.” 

Turning my head, I lose sight of Becks and find Skye waiting a few steps away with a book tucked into her hands. 

“Thanks, keep me updated if erm, anythin’ happens.” 

“It won’t, but I will, Harry. It’s okay,” she agrees aloud, but my eyes have already ran away from her and back to Becky. Over my shoulder, I can just make out the sounds of her soft snores outside the door of her room. I already miss her, and I haven’t even left her yet, I think as another tear races down my cheek. This keeps happening, I’ve found, but it doesn’t become any easier to leave. “The first time you’ve left her for more than ten minutes, huh?”

“Ya,” I croak, meeting her eyes through my blurry ones. Nodding at her, I lift my leaden feet to take another step. “Take care o’ her fo’ me.” 

+

Her face is stuck in every place. 

The front door, the ghost of her winter boots on the door mat, the barstools at the kitchen island where we laughed over glasses of her Rebecca wine, the crusty banana bread forgotten on the counter, the head of the kitchen table where we burned our mouths on pot pie, and that’s not even the worst of it. The blanket from Sunday night remains in a messy pile on the sofa, just how we had left it. My chest shakes harder with another sob at the sight of it, and the wine glasses I had forgotten on the coffee table beside the bottles of nail polish. 

Memories flood my insides when I sink onto the cushions, my head in my hands as her laugh from only three days ago fills my ears. I can still feel the touch of her knitted jumper between my fingers from that night, the delicacy of her fingers swiping nailpolish over mine, and the sensation of her hands in my hair and her socked foot trailing up my leg underneath the kitchen table. These thoughts fill my head as I drag myself up the stairs, and although she didn’t venture up here that night, I can’t leave her down there. I remember the night she hauled my drunk ass home, even if it was years ago, and helped me into bed. That’s not even touching all of the nights I stared up at the ceiling, longing to hear her voice, and then the nights where I smiled up at it, knowing I’d hear it tomorrow and every day after that. 

They threaten to never leave as my wrinkled suit falls to the floor of my bathroom, the sight feeling peculiar and welcomed all in one. Staring at it with a hazy sight, I toss it into the hamper, thinking of possibly burning it until I remember the first day we had at work together in it. Swallowing, the knot within my throat joins the pity party as the hot stream of water cascades down my body. I remain there under the scalding water, observing it disappear down the drain as it washes away the sadness pouring onto my cheeks. 

The tears don’t disappear when wrapped in a towel, I sadly smile at the picture Skye sent of Becky smiling lying in bed. 

Here’s a smile for you from Ree! She already misses you …. had a little nightmare again but she was okay and I was there. She’s asleep again now, and time for dinner soon. Take your time Harry, she’s ok xx

An onslaught of them now coat my cheeks - regret, anger, and sadness all balled into one being born inside of me at the thought of her waking up scared without me there. Sniffles and whimpers are all that leave me and fill my surroundings as I lay folded clothes inside of the biggest duffel bag I could find, as many joggers, jumpers, t-shirts, and beanies that I can fit before the zipper won’t zip. Only then, do I remember I need to pack other things. Unpacking a few pairs of socks and shirts, I stuff my bag of shower things into the side, chargers, my laptop Myles dropped off from work, deodorant, cologne, a random book I’d always meant to read, vitamins, random snacks, a favorite blanket from the linen closet, and my steel water bottle. I thread a pillow through its handles, glancing over to my unmade bed, missing the person who woke up in it on Monday morning, unbeknownst to the despair and misery that would soon kidnap his happiness. 

Exhaling loudly, I drape the strap over my shoulder and begin my steps back to her. I’m coming back, Becks, like I always said I would. 

+

Her soft sounds bounce around the room while the third Harry Potter hums in the background. Finding the remote on her bedside table, I click it off and drown the room in silence. With full hands, I take quiet steps over to her, a smile having already claimed my lips the moment I parked my car. Peace paints her face and I couldn’t be happier being back with my Becks, not wanting to leave her again, and hopefully not again until all of this shit is over. 

Her slow breaths tickle my skin when I bend down to press a kiss to her forehead, welcomed by her vanilla scent. Her snoring continues to paint the air as I walk away briefly. 

A soft tap! interrupts the absence when I set down the clear vase, swiftly rearranging the stems below me. I leave the small black box beside it and cross the room, leaving my heavy duffel bag on the floor beside the sofa and out of the way. 

“Harry?” a voice rasps from behind me. Turning around, I find her little head of dark hair stirring. 

“Shh, go back t’ sleep, bug,” I coo, sliding off my coat that I drape over the sofa. 

“Are you back or am I dreaming?”

“‘m back, Becks, jus’ got here,” I answer her gently, making quick work of walking over to arrive at her side. “Hi,” I hum happily, feeling a warm jolt to my heart when a smile curls into her cheeks. 

“Hi, Harry,” she giggles, a pink at last finding her cheeks. 

“Hi, my love,” I smile, dipping down to carefully surround her with my arms and in the process, covering her with kisses. “I told ya I wouldn’t be gone mo’ than an hour. ‘m sorry ya hadda nightmare without me, I hope yer okay . . Hope ya still got some rest.” 

“I’m okay, and I did. I’m glad you’re back, I missed you,” she whispers against my neck, pressing a lazy kiss there. 

“I missed ya mo’.”

“No, I missed you more,” she argues, a giggle finishing her words. “Most . . I missed you most.” 

“Fine, ‘ll give it t’ ya.”

“Good,” she smiles, resigned with success that I find when I pull away to look at her. Shock finds its way back to me at the once again sight of her bruises and stitches after an hour of forgetting them. “You smell good.” 

“Why thank you, I took a shower.” 

“You look comfy,” she adds on, taking hold of a string from my maroon Rolling Stones hoodie, toying with it between her fingers. The IV tubing dangling from it still sends jolts across my heart. 

“I feel betta now, I can tell ya that.” 

“Good,” she coos, playing with the second string now too. I can’t resist any longer and steal a random kiss from her lips, finding her blushing smile afterwards. “Aw, did you get me flowers? They’re purple!”

“‘Course they are, I had t’ get yer favourite color, babe,” I answer proudly, stepping away to grab the tall vase from her bedside table. “Looks like ya got a few mo’ since ‘ve been gone too. Ya sure are loved by many, Becks.” 

“They’re beautiful.”

“Jus’ like sumbody I know, I wonder who that could be,” I comment teasingly, returning to her bedside to show her the vase of violet roses. “Honey, don’t cry, ‘s okay.” 

“You’re so sweet, thank you,” she blubbers, tears flying from her eyes that she can’t wipe away fast enough. A long ‘aw’ jumps from my lips as I set the vase back down and return her to my arms. 

“Yer welcome, anythin’ fo’ me girl. I saw all tha flowers you were gettin’ and figured it took me long enough t’ get ya some.” 

“It’s okay, you didn’t have to,” she hiccups into my neck, finding holdings on the back of my jumper where she clings to me. 

“Yes, I did, and I wanted t’ . . Reckon I should wait on yer present so ya don’t cry anymo’.” 

“A present?!” she whispers excitedly, and my giggle soon finds a friend in hers. 

Moving away, I leave her with yet another forehead kiss, wiping surprise tears from my own eyes. I catch the budding ones that fall from her waterline before grabbing the little box beside her flowers. ‘Ooo’s and ‘awww’s fill my ears when I open the box and slide the simple gemstone bracelet onto her wrist. 

“I saw it and thought o’ you right away, jus’ like with tha flowers. I hope ya like it, seein’ how ‘s purple and all,” I say, pulling on the two ends of the string to tighten it. 

“I love it, Harry,” she croaks, tears catching on her words as she stares down at the shades of lavender, cream, and violet claiming her skin. 

“Perfect.” With a chuckle, I find my way into her arms after she tugged on my hoodie strings. 

“I betta tie those things up, seein’ you already know how t’ use ‘em. ‘s a bit scary really,” I titter against the top of her head, smoothing back her hair. Profuse ‘thank you’s scatter the air, and I feel a stitch begin to heal my heart, ever so slowly. Her tears aren’t alone as I sniffle above her, my arms wound around her shoulders ever so gently. 

“Alright?” she mumbles, and a bittersweet smile joins the party. 

“Ya, ‘m alright if yer alright, Becks . . Are you?”

“Yes, I always am if you’re there.” 

“Me too, babe, me too,” I hiccup, the tears coming hot and fast now, falling into her hair. Always. 

+

Yawning, voices trickle over as the door to the bathroom shuts behind me. Carding a hand through my hair, I follow the familiar sounds until I’m back by the family room scattered with chairs. Now, blankets, bags, and fast food wrappers claim the tables next to Skye, Robbie, Chuck, Asher, and a tall, blonde woman I don’t recognize. 

I’m spotted and soon waved over by Asher, “Hey, how’s she doing? Did she eat all of her dinner?”

“She’s good, restin’ now, and almost all o’ it. Didn’t care fer tha green peas tho’, but I dunno how she can’t like ‘em,” I grin jokingly, but it doesn’t remain as my eyes follow the unfamiliar woman standing beside Robbie. “D’ya know who that ‘s?” I ask him, turning to meet his eyes, but they fall away, only hinting at the danger that’s brewing. 

“Hi, I don’t believe we’ve met. You are . . ?” the strange lady says, stepping forward with her arm stretched out. A long brown sweater covers her body clad in black jeans and a frilly blouse. The slope of her button nose and slightly oval face quickly piece together the puzzle pieces for me, and I know. “I’m Becky’s mum, Kate. Are you her boyfriend, or something?” she laughs jokingly. 

“Ya, I am actually,” I answer coolly, hesitantly shaking her hand while struggling to make eye contact with the very person I’ve heard so many awful things about. Yet, I can see Becks in her, perhaps only hints of her, but I see them. “‘Scuse me,” I mumble, stepping away and with pounding steps, I find Skye perusing the magazines on the shelf against the wall. 

“I need t’ talk t’ you,” I tell her flatly, stopping at her side. 

“What do you want, Cosmo, Bon Appetit, GQ, Rolling Sto-,” she jokes, flipping her faded blue hair over her shoulder, brunette roots bleeding into the off white. 

“No, I don’t want a bloody magazine. What tha fook were you thinkin’ tellin’ Becky’s mum t’ come here?” the question explodes off my lips, and I find it a feat to keep the words between the two of us. Her eyebrows near her hairline and she forgets the magazines, turning to face me. 

Arms crossed over her chest clad in a 90’s Rugrats jumper, her features fall into a crouch as I wait for words to leave her, “Ree said that she could come, we asked her.”

“What tha fook ‘s wrong with you lot, askin’ her ‘bout that while I was gone?!” I retort, a hand escaping my pocket to help me do the talking. 

“She’s not just yours, Harry, you know that?” she spits back, shaking her head in disbelief, it seems. 

“No shit, Sherlock, but how in tha hell did ya think that was a good idea? Huh, where were you when her mum exploded on her all o’ those times at work, callin’ me bloody office t’ speak with her ‘cuz she was ignorin’ her phone, or jus’ a few weeks ago, huh?” I ask adamantly, searching for the answer in her cold blue eyes.

“No, I wasn’t there, but I was there for almost every other time, Harry. I was there comforting her after every row all throughout primary, secondary, and then on. She’s my best friend too, Harry, so don’t you even talk to me about being there for her, because you can’t fucking talk,” Skye retaliates, the words hitting me in the gut, but my mission propels me forward. 

“That’s not tha fookin’ point, you should bloody know afta bein’ here tha last two days that she’s nowhere near ready t’ see her mum, Skye. She was inna bloody car wreck - she has a concussion, had emergency surgery, and ‘s on a handful o’ drugs that keep her from thinkin’ straight. Befo’ I left, I told her where I was goin’ and not even two minutes later, she couldn’t rememba what ‘d said. She’s not in her right mind, Skye, so how d’ya think it was okay t’ bloody ask her if her abusive mother could come t’ visit? Yer s’posed t’ be on her side, Skye, on Becks’ side,” I snap, and the fire still resides in my chest when I turn away to stomp down the hall. 

I wish I knew how to fix this, because I know that I’ll have to be the one who has to. I wish so fucking badly that I knew how to fix Becks, and I don’t, and I’m all the further away now. 

Crack. 

I feel it inside of my ribs when I stop in her doorway, finding her eyes pointed towards the small flatscreen mounted to the wall. My throat becomes a sister to the Sahara rather quickly, and I can’t blink away the tears fast enough, because she notices me within moments. Under the spell of prescription drugs and painkillers, and she still has that feeling of hers down pat. 

“Hi, honeybug,” I rasp, failing to swallow my pain and all of the words that I’m hurting to say. 

“Where’d that nickname come from?” she grins, forgetting the Marvel movie on the television. 

“I dunno, ‘cuz yer my bug and yer so goddamn sweet,” I explain to her, sitting down on the patch of unclaimed bed beside her. 

“Alright?” she questions, dark eyebrows falling into a line. I can’t find the words and my name falls from her mouth next. I’m sure that if I looked at her heart rate monitor, it would have picked up by now due to concern. 

“No,” I finally mutter, freeing my bottom lip that had become trapped between my teeth. Kneading my prickly chin with my thumb and forefinger, I have to look away from the worry harming her face. A warm tear begins a waterfall on mine, and to my surprise, she wicks it away with her thumb. 

“Tell me,” she says coolly, cradling my cheek in her hands. Yet, it doesn’t make it any easier to say the next few words I know that I need to speak. Bittersweetness coats my tongue as she holds me in her hands and roots me there to the spot with those azul eyes that fill my dreams.

“Yer mum’s here,” I confess softly, forcing the words until they come tumbling out.

The shock and misery that debilitate her features at my words is next to nothing when we both hear the words that enter the room, “Hi, bunny.” I don’t need to turn around, because Becky’s face tells me all that I need to know, that her mum is already here. 

“No,” Becks mutters, eyes glassy with an army of tears. Her head shakes quickly from side to side, and her hand falls from my face to clutch mine with dear life. “Harry, please no.” 

“‘m so sorry, bug, it wasn’t me. I promise, I promise,” I confess tearfully, leaving her side to stand. If I had wanted to take another step, she wouldn’t let me, because my hand begins to hurt from how hard she’s holding onto it. 

“Hi, Becky, it’s mum.” 

“No, no, no, no,” Becky exclaims before me, emotions flying from her blues that beg at mine, sobs shaking her chest. 

“Please leave, she d-doesn’t want you here,” I plead, lifting my head to find her mother walking around her bed to the other side. 

“Excuse me? She’s my daughter, I-,” she begins, but Becky’s onslaught of ‘no’s pierce the air, threatening to never leave. My other hand comes to cover our joined pair, massaging circles into her skin where the IV doesn’t live. 

“She doesn’t want you here, can’t you see that?!” I exclaim, stepping forward and closer to Becks, unsure of what more I can do. The only thing I can think of is to grab her by the shoulders and make her leave, but more than one reason refutes that, including the fact that Becks won’t let me leave. 

“She’s upset and tired, she doesn’t know what she wants,” she, whatever her name is again, contends with emotion twisting her features into confusion. Swiftly, the hints of Becky are gone in her and the fear she finds in her mother’s face is shared with me and with those darkening eyes. “She is my daughter and I can-.” 

“Harry, make her leave, please!” Becks shouts below me, head going from side to side in denial, and sobs stabbing at my ears. 

“What’s going on here?” another voice demands, and already two days in, I know that it’s the day nurse, Shannon. Words flee her mother and I, while Becky’s insistent ‘no’s surround us. “Who are you?” 

“I’m her mother, I’m here to see my daughter, Becky,” she insists from across me, reaching out a hand to touch Becks that she shrinks away from. Another crack resounds in my chest at the sound of her sobs growing louder. 

“I’m afraid you’ll have to leave, you’re upsetting her too much,” Shannon announces emphatically, mentioning something about Becky’s vitals rising, only now drawing my eyes to the neon numbers. I wouldn’t have noticed it, although I try to tell myself that I would have eventually, but she’s right. Becky’s pulse is well over one-hundred, and her blood pressure is reaching dangerous numbers, and my heart picks up speed behind my ribs. I’m rather sure if I was hooked up to one of those, they wouldn’t look too good, either, with what’s going on. “Please leave before I call security.” 

Relief doesn’t find me for several minutes, and it takes twice as long to arrive for Becks who still whimpers below me, the tears nowhere near stopping. The ones waiting in my dugout finally answer their call when the nurse mentions giving her something to calm down. 

“No, I got it, jus’ gimme a few minutes. I can get her t’ calm down,” I insist tearfully, swallowing against a desert while rainfall covers my cheeks, and hers. “Hey, ‘s okay, baby, ‘s okay. Deep breaths, ‘kay?” I coo to Becky, but I’m well aware of the lack of conviction in my voice. 

“Is she gone?” she cries and I nod quickly. 

“She’s gone, bug, and ‘ll make sure she won’t come back, I promise. You don’t hafta worry.” 

“I don’t wanna see her,” Becks confesses with a hiccup. Lifting my hand from our intertwined pair, I comb back her dark waves that nudge at her eyes. 

“I know, Becks, I know. She’s gone,” I hum, catching her tears with the slick pad of my thumb before going back to stroking her hair. 

“Why was she . . ?” 

“I dunno, bug, there was a misunderstandin’,” I answer her, unsure of my words and every single thing that I do. I’m unsure if it helps, but I know that there’s nothing I’d rather be doing in this moment. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, even in my ignorant dreams.

“It wasn’t you, I know you wouldn’t,” she cries, shaky breaths escaping her lips when I ask her to take deep breaths with me. 

“No, ‘d neva invite her, Becks. I dunno her name even.” 

“Thank you,” she says with a hard gulp, with no allusion to what for, but I know. The hair stroking isn’t making a difference, because the tears are still coming at a record speed and I’m lost for words, and everything else too.

“Will you cuddle me, p-please? Feels like I c-can’t breathe,” she almost wails, her pained face dissolving with the words that she speaks. 

“‘Course, bug, ‘m so sorry . . Keep takin’ deep breaths, I know you can do it, baby. ‘m right here . . in and out, that’s it. Keep goin’,” I tell her, toeing off my Vans that I wore for her whilst picking the oxygen cannula back up to thread into her nose. “Scooch over, Becks, don’t wanna hurt ya.” 

A few more tendrils of relief find their way to me when she’s back in my arms, and I couldn’t care less what the nurse has to say, because nothing could feel more right than this. I’m only confirmed of that when she wiggles her way into my arms almost immediately and her head finds my chest, the tears soon wetting the fabric. 

“Can you sing it to me?” Becks requests and an instant confirmation fills the air. 

“Wise men say only fools rush in,” I begin, my fingers dancing through her hair and my lips leaving kiss after kiss atop her head. With my mouth ghosting over her hair, my eyes wander to the heart rate monitor. As the song paints the air around us, I watch as the numbers slowly start to fall while her crying quiets. 

Only moments after finishing the last line of the song and for the second time, do her snores fall against my chest, and can I finally breathe. I lie there, counting the freckles scattered across her creamy white skin and wait for the tears to at last leave my eyes. Carefully, I move my body away from hers and lay her head down on the pillow, lastly draping the blankets over her sleeping body. 

“‘ll be right back, I gotta go and keep me promise,” I whisper against her cheek, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear naked of earrings. My footsteps only begin after pressing a kiss to her cheek, assuring myself I’ll be back within moments to give her another. 

The nurse shoots me a quick smile on my way out as I make quick work of the tears, and silent words pass between us albeit for the quiet ‘thank you’ and ‘good job’ she rewards me with. 

“You might be my favourite, even though you’re not supposed to be getting into that bed with her,” she grins, her ponytail bobbing as she shakes her head at me jokingly. “You lot sure have a connection, so don’t be going anywhere for too long, she might miss you too much.” 

“Thanks, I won’t be gone long. I uh, jus’ gotta go make sure o’ sumthin’.” 

“That mum of hers, I hope?” she wonders aloud, turning her body towards me ever so slightly in her olive green scrubs. 

A nod of mine answers her words and her ‘good luck’ rings in my ears as I walk away, glancing over my shoulder one last time at Becks, searching for a strength that I need. She’s never disappointed me when I look for it in her, whether it was years ago when she pulled me out of my shell, helped me through my granddad’s death, or just the other night when I found my way back to her and never left. This isn’t one of those dire times, but I know that she needs me to do this for her, no matter the absence of her question. 

I’m uncertain if I’m surprised to see the strange figure standing in the family room, or the tension already electric in the air when I arrive. It only worsens when a few of them turn around to look at me, and the blame falls away instantly when Chuck and Robbie’s faces plummet at the sight of mine. It all wads into a ball and is thrown at her when the anger builds on hers. 

“You need t’ leave,” I announce, a sniffle worming its way into my words. I couldn’t care less about the sight of my red-rimmed eyes or the tears that fall from them now. All I hope is that my many years in law will pay off for this argument that I so desperately need to win. “It wasn’t a good idea t’ come, she doesn’t want you here. I think that’s rather obvious from what jus’ happened.” 

Her features crease into that of a bulldog, ready to pounce, but I was ready for this before I even stepped foot in this room. “What do you know, being her new boyfriend and all? You hardly even know her, I reckon . . She’s my daughter and she almost died,” she insists with a spiteful grin sticking to her lips. 

“What’s that matta? Ya weren’t there fer her when she was alive, so why’d ya come now?” I spit out, and am instantly rewarded with the image of the words slapping her in the face. “I do know what’s bloody best fo’ her, and what’s best fo’ her right now ‘s fer you t’ leave and not come back. She doesn’t want you here, I dunno how many times I gotta fookin’ say it. She’s been thru’ hell and back, and ‘s tryna figure out what tha bloody hell this new life ‘s and how t’ function again whilst bein’ on several meds and stuck inna hospital bed. Let her bloody rest so she can get betta and heal, if ya even care ‘bout her ya’d leave her be t’ get betta,” I sigh, turning on my heel to place my back to them. Her fiery gaze beats against my neck as I let the tears fall, not bothering to clean them up, because I can only deal with one mess at a time. 

“Who the fuck was that, and who does he think he is?” she retorts, seemingly more to herself and those around her than to myself, her voice only a ghost now.  

“That’s Harry,” Chuck answers, something shining through in his voice that I can’t quite decipher. 

“Harry? You mean her boss, Harry?” Kate responds, taken aback. 

“No, right now that’s Harry. Her best friend and boyfriend, Harry,” he tells her, and I think I hear it finally, just rounding the corner. It accompanies the chuckle that floats down the hallway after me. 

It’s pride. 

The very same feeling glues itself to me as I take long steps back to her, thoroughly aware of how much better it feels to come back to her than it is to leave her. Even in her sleep, she seems to retain that feeling of hers amidst all of the drugs, because when I sit down next to her, I watch those pretty eyes open. 

“Harry.” 

“Hi, honeybug. Go back t’ sleep, everything’s okay, yer mum’s gone,” I tell her, cradling her cheek in my hand, because I’m sure that if my words somehow hadn’t done it, that Chuck will make sure of her exit. 

“Okay,” she sighs softly, her eyelids fluttering closed. I lean over her and press whispers of kisses to her eyelids, leading me to find that dimple like a ghost in her left cheek. “Harry?” 

“What ‘s it, bug? Ya need yer rest, ‘s almost bedtime,” I hum, settling back onto the chair. My eyes fall from her when a warmth finds my hand now, and I smile at the appearance of her hand lacing with mine. 

“I love you,” she whispers, and everything stills around me, and inside of me. My head snaps up and over to her calm exterior that soon blurs in front of me as a breathy laugh coats my lips. 

“I love you too, Becks,” I return quickly, tears adorning my words and leaving them to break in the air. 

The dimple remains alive in her cheek when her eyes creak open and meet mine briefly before I steal a kiss from her lips. So, it wasn’t a fluke the other night, afterall. Hmm.

“Get some sleep, ‘ll be here when ya wake up,” I coo against her hair, cradling her head with my hand. 

“You too,” she yawns, closing her eyes and wiggling around in the bed, and I swear that I couldn’t have seen something more beautiful in all of my days. She just keeps surprising me though, and making me wonder how she could ever become more gorgeous, or more importantly, how I could ever come to love her more. 

I know that tomorrow she’ll change that, and the day after that, and after that, when my heart will grow another size to love her a little bit more.