#i will literally watch anything ewan decides to grace with his presence

[palfriendpatine66]

Your Pal’s Movie Reviews: Nightwatch 1997

(Aka Would you like to have a children’s song ruined for life?) find all of my movie reviews here

There’s a lot in this that is uncomfortable. Besides the murder bits, there’s gross treatment of women and a bar scene that made my skin crawl

The plot: baby faced Ewan takes a job moonlighting as a night guard at a morgue. A necrophiliac serial killer is active and starts setting it up to look like Ewan is the one responsible.

Ewan content: his attempt at a “neutral” accent is a minus but his fresh baby face and hedgehog hair is a (maybe) plus. He gets a handjob under the table of a fancy restaurant and that’s fun for a minute. He’s also cute in a bathtub (no full nudity) for a second. Love interests: has a girlfriend but no action. He cries and is scared if you like whump content

The movie: most if it is spent building up tension, like to a ridiculous tacky degree. It makes it seem like it will turn into a horror movie, but I feel like it’s solidly in the “what’s going on here” thriller category. When the true killer is revealed and everything ends, I was left with some very big questions about how some of the connections were made framing Ewan.

TLDR: if you like thrillers and murder movies it’s alright and I’d give it a watch. I have to watch it again to plug this plot hole - maybe I missed something about how certain people knew things when

[palfriendpatine66]

Your Pal’s (Ewan) Movie Reviews: Jack the Giant Slayer (2013)

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Ewan content: the hair game is insane. The eyeliner is on point. The accent is great. He’s a decent side character-brave knight without a significantly important role-but his presence is there with snarky lines. No love interest for him in this movie.

The movie: If you’re watching this with a kid old enough for scary(ish) fairy tales where men get eaten by giants, this is a good watch with delightful bonus Ewan content. I wouldn’t watch it just for Ewan otherwise.

[palfriendpatine66]

Your Pal’s (Ewan) Movie Reviews: The Birthday Cake (2021)

Otherwise known as: If I had a nickel for every time Ewan McGregor played an unnecessarily attractive priest I would only have two nickels, but it is weird that it happened twice

Ewan content: Fantastic hair to beard beard ratio, soft spoken and accented, Ewan as Father Kelly unfortunately is a very very small role in this movie.

The Movie: lots of murder, some drug use, female nudity, racial tensions. What you would expect from a mafia movie. Gio brings a birthday cake to honor his father 10 years after his death. The tension builds as Gio starts to realize that there’s more than he was aware of behind his father’s death, at the same time he’s realizing he is in way too deep covering for his cousin when everyone is cornering him to ask: where’s Leo?

The Verdict: I love a good mob movie. I love Ewan McGregor. I was So! Excited! For! This! Unfortunately, I wouldn’t recommend you watch it just for Ewan - his screen time is very short and not particularly noteworthy- and would probably skip it altogether unless you’re really, really into mob movies. I enjoyed it well enough until the end, at which point I was extremely disappointed. It went for what felt like a quirky ending instead of addressing what was presented as one of the major points of the movie: finding out what really happened with Gio’s father, only offering a small nugget with no further explanation or backstory. I was left with as many questions as the start of the movie, in what felt like an unsatisfying ending.

[palfriendpatine66]

Your Pal’s Movie Reviews: Our Kind of Traitor(2016)

Free to stream on Roku, tubi, vudu and Amazon prime video

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Ewan content: (note: I wrote this paragraph while very drunk but I stand by it) crinkle eyed professor Ewan my beloved - who has apparently fucked a student and it’s a shame we didn’t hear more about that - you are my every fanfic waiting to happen. Also in bed with hairy chest on display the first time he’s on screen. Mmmm. Spends almost all of the movie in over his head. He has luscious locks.

The movie: Professor Ewan and his wife get mixed up on Russian mob business while on holiday. This movie is pretty good, although drags at times and felt long. Stellan Skarsgard is great in his role of mobster/family man. There’s not an extreme amount of violence for a mob movie, but it’s definitely there, people get shot. Husband thoroughly enjoyed this!

[palfriendpatine66]

Your Pal’s (Ewan) Movie Reviews: Son of a Gun (2014)

How have I not reviewed this movie yet? It was a discovery of mine in the last year and I’m fairly obsessed. Find all of my movie reviews here

The movie: Ewan is a hardened convict with a plan to escape prison, but he needs the help of someone on the outside. He selects a new inmate with a short sentence and a little bit too much interest in him to help out so he can call in the favor. It’s not exactly an award winner but is a decent action film and in my opinion definitely worth the watch. Tw blood, violence, nongraphic prison shower noncon

Ewan content: I try not to be too horny on main but rough around the edges criminal Ewan really does something for me in this, despite the dad jeans. Bonus points: his accent is his own. He doesn’t have a love interest in this which is a real shame - because I swear his twinky brat of a partner is just begging to be put into his place by Ewan’s dominant character.

[palfriendpatine66]

Your Pal’s Movie Reviews: Jane Got a Gun (2015)

find all my movie reviews here I don’t think this is streaming anywhere, I bought the dvd

The movie: This was a very good western. This has Natalie Portman and Joel Edgerton being bamfs. I somehow had never heard of a movie with the three of them and wrongly assumed that it must mean it’s wasn’t good. Im glad to report I was wrong and thoroughly enjoyed the story here and the shoot out action.

Ewan content: evil mustached cowboy Ewan with a confusing accent is a side note in this film. If you are watching this movie exclusively for Ewan, skip it. He’s got like 5 mins of screen time. If you’re at all interested otherwise he’s a fun cameo. Unhappy ending for our man

[palfriendpatine66]

Your Pal’s (Ewan) Movie Review: Stay (2005)

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Cw: mental illness, hospitalization for mental illness, suicide, car accident, major character death, unhappy ending

Ewan content: He has a very neutral accent in this and is a psychiatrist who wears suits and sweaters. No love scenes, female love interest. A convincing performance.

The movie: Ewan is a psychiatrist trying to stop Ryan Gosling from committing suicide, but reality starts to get very distorted. This is a psychological thriller and lives up to its name. I really didn’t like the style it was shot in at first until I realized it was disorienting for a reason. This is a complete mind fuck. I was trying to figure out what was going on the entire time, and wasn’t close to figuring it out. I had actually had to look it up after it ended to make sure I knew what really happened, and will be watching it again now that I know to see how the viewing experience changes with that perspective.

[palfriendpatine66]

Your Pal’s (Ewan) Movie Reviews: Nora

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Ewan content: this movie features his own accent and a wide variety of looks. It is an extremely smutty movie, he has many bedroom scenes with female love interest Nora, including a great view of his ass while he fucks her from behind, masturbating, dirty talk via letters etc etc. He also sings quite a few times.

The plot: writer John Joyce (Ewan) meets and falls in love/lust with Nora. They move from Ireland to Italy, which is where he starts wearing more hats, and has conflict with his muse as he struggles with feelings of inadequacy in his professional life and jealousy in his personal life.

The movie: is extremely boring for a movie with so much sex. The pacing is unfortunate. It should have been much more dramatic as basically the couple fights and fucks the whole movie but it was hard to care. I wouldn’t watch this for anything besides Ewan

[palfriendpatine66]

Your Pal’s (Ewan) Movie Reviews: Zoe (2018)

Ewan content: He has his own accent in this and is freaking adorable. I never thought the buzz cut would work for me but it really shows off his laugh and his smile. He comes across as really genuine in this and sometimes I forget he’s not really Ewan, which is probably on me, but I’ll just repeat: adorable. Also did wardrobe just tell him to bring his own clothes, including the white pants?? Female love interest, some bedroom scenes. Sleeps around semi anonymously with multiple women. Quick nude bum shot as he jumps in a lake.

The plot: Ewan’s character designs super realistic AI - “synthetic” people because he’s sad and alone and wants to create people that you can have a relationship with that won’t leave you, and if that doesn’t give you sad puppy eyes I don’t know what will. He falls in love and it’s super sweet but then gets super complicated. And then heartbreaking.

cw: drug use/addiction

The movie: worth the watch! This is an unexpectedly good movie and stood up to a second viewing. Husband (sci-fi kind of guy) was really wrapped up in the ethics of AI and rights of sentient/near sentient beings, as well the need for regulation and capitalism=sucks. I was still wrapped up in the emotions. It’s relevant and emotional and is a good story as well as an exploration of the issues.

[palfriendpatine66]

Your Pal’s (Ewan) Movie Reviews: Birds of Prey:

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Ewan content: this is my favorite version of Ewan. He is unhinged. He is angry. He is flamboyant. He has a stupid and inconsistent accent but it’s forgivable. He doesn’t have a love interest, he’s just a Bad Guy

The movie: it’s great. I am not a Marvel DC movie person at all and was a little nervous about this the first time, but I’ve liked it more every time I’ve seen it. Girl power. BAMFS kick ass. I love this.

The plot: Harley Quin breaks up with the Joker and people she’s pissed off, including Ewan’s bad guy character Roman Sionis, are ready to come after her