#i will be talking to my therapist about joel's death for years

[sotvtaughtmehowtofeel]

just thinking about how safety has become so synonymous with Joel for Ellie that I can't help but wonder if she'll ever truly feel safe again

[whiskeypascals]

Open Arms

(NOT MY GIF)

Request from anon!!

Warnings: Major character death, mention of Y/N panicking, Joel blaming himself, somewhat ooc Joel (he’s so insecure please get him a therapist jfc), not necessarily a warning but this can be seen as platonic or romantic!

Summary: It was 10 years after the outbreak, Y/N left his home town and found Joel, who was on a smuggling mission. After completing it, Joel decided that keeping Y/N around would be helpful in the long run to get to Tommy, who was in Wyoming as of the last time Joel had heard anything. On the way out west, Joel opens up more to Y/N bit by bit and they found love in a the wasteland that’s left of the planet. They get to Wyoming and Tommy isn’t there, no trace of him even. it sparks something in Joel and things take a complete turn and Joel ends up leaving and as soon as he goes, they get trapped by a group of fireflies and Joel really regrets what he says

On the day of the outbreak, Y/N had no choice but to stay where he was, but after ten years, he couldn’t stand to stay in this place anymore. The QZ was full of fascist FEDRA officers who would do anything to keep ‘order’. The streets would be patrolled all night long, there would be casual searches of apartments where they claimed they would look for criminals but all they would do was go in and take people away from their families and shoot at any sign of protest. There were many nights where Y/N was awoken by screaming from his neighbors but he couldn’t get up and fight for them.

He couldn’t fucking take it any longer.

So, he left. He snuck out of his building under the cover of night fall and made it out like he’d seen smugglers do so many times from the window.

It was nearing a year since Y/N left the QZ, he’d come and go from different groups of people and ended up alone and scared for what seemed like the millionth time.

That’s when he came.

Joel.

He was on a smuggling trip and was making his way to Michigan, and got caught in an ambush and found Y/N hiding.

“No don’t shoot!” Y/N exclaimed, throwing his hands up “I’m unarmed.” he said, keeping his hands where Joel could see.

“Please help me, I don’t know who those people are. Please.” He started to beg, “I escaped my QZ about a year ago.”

Joel looked around and put his finger up to his lips. Y/N stopped talking and Joel moved to hide in the same spot that Y/N was just minutes ago. Y/N crouched back down next to Joel and watched as a few trucks passed by.

“Name.” That wasn’t a question, it was a demand.

“Y/N.” Y/N whispered.

“Where did you come from.” Another stern demand.

“San Francisco QZ.”

Y/N didn’t know why he trusted Joel as much as he did in this moment, it was probably because he was in a life or death situation right now and he was his only chance of making it out alive.

“Listen, I’m goin’ to get us out but you have to listen to what I say, and then you’ll be on your way Y/N.”

Y/N nodded.

The two stood up and Joel pulled the gun off of his hip and held it out in front of him as he slowly treaded into the street, it was dark outside but he couldn’t pull out his light because it was an obvious death wish.

Joel heard shooting behind them. He turned around and shoved Y/N back behind him and cocked his gun. There was someone shooting at them from afar.

“Shit aim.” He said to himself before he himself started shooting.

“Stay behind me.”

Joel walked toward where the person was shooting from, luckily it was only one person and Joel one shotted them.

“God damn idiot.”

Joel turned back around and the two kept quiet as they walked out of danger.

“Thank you.” Is all that Y/N could say when they were far away from the town.

“Keep quiet, there might be some more of them out here.”

“I think you’re overthinking”

Joel turned around, “I’m thinking rationally, we have no idea what’s out here.”

Y/N sighed, “Yeah, sorry…” He thought for a second, “Hey I never got your name.”

“Why do you need to know, we’re splitting our ways, I’m goin’ to finish my job and you’re gonna keep surviving.”

The two did not split ways.

It was a week later and Joel had brought Y/N all the way to the city in Michigan where he was taking his cargo to, and in return he got another gun from the person he was selling to.

“Here, you must know how to use it if you’ve been out here for this long.” Joel handed the pistol to Y/N, who nodded in agreement.

“Where are we going from here?”

Joel said nothing.

“Joel?”

“I’ve got a brother out west, I was thinking that I could get there easier if I had you navigating the way.” It took him ages to finally reply to Y/N’s question.

“What if he’s not there?”

“He will be.”

The two men walked out of the abandoned building that Joel met his buyer in and Y/N spoke up.

“The distance is a good fifteen hundred miles so if you have a truck hidden somewhere like all that ammo, it would be best to find it.”

“We’ll make do.”

The first few days went by cruelly slow, back and forth bickering between Joel and Y/N and sleeping in the middle of the woods feet apart, but as the days went past, the two started to open up more to each other. It was easier said than done for Joel, but Y/N had no issues with sharing his most of his story.

It was day twelve of walking and Y/N had found themselves in the middle of nowhere, it wasn’t like Y/N hadn’t been going this way before, but that was a year ago, so to say the least they were lost.

“Joel, I hate to say this to you but we might need to find a map.”

“Y/N tell me where we can find a map, look where the hell we are.”

“I sort of remember this area, there should be a truck stop somewhere.”

Joel said nothing and just kept walking.

Five miles later there was indeed an old truck stop, worn away by time and taken over by wildlife.

“You swear it’s empty?” Joel said, looking for an entrance.

“Well, I can’t promise anything, so pay attention to everything.”

“Save that advice for yourself Y/N” Joel found a loose board covering up a broken glass door and the two went inside.

They were met with the smell of mold and decay, the only sounds that could be heard were their footsteps crunching on the debris on the floor.

“Let’s find the map and get out, ‘kay, I think I remember the layout of this place” Y/N said quietly.

Joel nodded, it felt good to Y/N for Joel to agree with him for once, even if what he said was common knowledge between the two.

‘Oh you have to be fucking kidding me.’ Joel thought to himself, looking around seeing two dead bodies of what looked like smugglers based solely on what they were wearing. Y/N’s eyes went wide and his jaw dropped

“Fuck.” He mouthed

He pulled his gun out and Y/N did the same. They both held their weapons out and started walking, it got to a point in the building where the sunlight stopped leaking in and the both of them had to pull their flashlights out too.

That’s when Y/N heard the clicking.

He turned to Joel and put a finger over his mouth. Joel turned to look forward and took the smallest steps he possibly could to not make any noise and Y/N walked in the same manner.

They got to the back room where a clicker stood. Joel went to line up his shot, but before he even got his finger on the trigger, a gunshot from Y/N rang out. The clicker turned and screamed a guttural sound, Joel let out two quick shots from his gun and the clicker fell to the floor.

“We have to get out of here. Now.” He said bluntly, Y/N turned to run out of the truck stop and made it to the doorway they came in before realizing that Joel wasn’t behind him.

“Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.” Y/N started to panic.

“JOEL?” He yelled out.

“Y/N GO.” Joel yelled back, he sounded far away from where Y/N was standing, there were two gunshots and then the sound of heavy boots on tile floor, Y/N got out of the door and waited for Joel to make it and slammed the board against the door.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ.” is all Joel said between heavy breaths.

“What happened back there?” Y/N grabbed onto Joel’s arm, “Scared the fuck out of me man.”

“Those smugglers turned, they almost got me.”

“Thank god they didn’t, I don’t want to be out here alone again.”

“Thank you for waiting, I’m not 100% sure if they’re dead so we have to get going.”

“What about the map?”

“Fuck that map, we need to go, Y/N.”

The two kept walking West. It would take at least 6 more days for the two to even make it to Wyoming, let alone find where Tommy was.

Just as it started to turn to night, Joel and Y/N decided to stop for that night and set up camp in the woods so if anything was coming, they would be able to hear if a branch snapped or leaves rustled.

“Hey, Joel, can I ask you something?” Y/N asked, setting down the lamp that Joel brought.

Joel looked up from where he was laying out their sleeping bags.

“Do you have any other family out here besides Tommy?”

“M-mm.” Joel shook his head.

He really didn’t, he would have Sarah if he could have saved her that day, but things didn’t go the way he had planned to that night.

“D’you?” Joel asked, getting into his sleeping bag.

“No. My sister died the night of the outbreak, we’d planned to get to LA but it was so damn crowded in the streets, the runners got to her before we could run out of the town.”

Joel turned to see Y/N starting to tear up.

“Sorry, talking about her makes me so emotional, she was only 17. It almost felt like I was her dad, or at least in that moment.”

Y/N sniffed and laid down in his sleeping bag.

“I know how you feel,” Joel turned off the lamp and laid down too.

“You said you didn’t have family out here?”

“I lost my little girl when the outbreak started.”

“How old?”

“12.”

Joel turned away to face away from Y/N

“Fuck I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have asked if I knew it would upset you.”

Y/N sat up and looked over to Joel, he’d never seen the older man so vulnerable.

“Joel,” Y/N moved closer to him “I’m sorry. I know how you feel, I know that you feel like you need to protect me, and I need you to know that I’m gonna survive this and we’ll get out asses to Wyoming and find your brother.” He said putting his hands on Joel’s shoulder. He felt the man tremble slightly under his touch.

“You don’t need to apologize, Y/N.” Joel shrugged Y/N’s hand off his shoulder and turned to look at him, Y/N got up and kneeled by Joel’s side to hug him.

Joel didn’t know what to do at first honestly, it was the first time he had felt any empathy in 11 years. Just as Y/N was going to pull away and apologize, Joel swung his arm around his side and hugged him tightly.

“Okay, shit Joel, too tight.” Y/N struggled to say, Joel took his arms out from around Y/N and mumbled a small ‘sorry’.

“Tell me about her in the morning.” Y/N said, scooting back to his sleeping bag.

Joel nodded and reached to turn off the lantern behind the two of their heads.

Joel didn’t get much sleep that night, he kept waking up and falling back asleep to only repeat the process until morning. That was a common occurrence for him lately. When the sun came up, Joel started getting all of his things together to be prepared when Y/N woke up. It was only about a half an hour before he did wake up though.

When he woken up, he saw that all of Joel’s things had gone and he started to think that Joel left him like he had done with so many different groups of people.

“Morning.” Joel said from a few feet away, he was sitting on a tree trunk that had fallen down a long time ago.

Y/N let out a sigh of relief and got up from his spot. He noticed that Joel had packed all of their stuff up into their backpacks except his sleeping bag. He rolled it up quickly and fastened it so it wouldn’t come undone while they were walking.

“What was she like?” Y/N asked after a while.

“She was a lot like her mom, same eyes and smile y’know, things like that.”

Joel kept what he said about Sarah short and sweet and they moved on from there.

It felt weird to Joel to be this open with someone he met less than a month ago, but it somehow felt right to him at the same time.

The two kept walking, and walking, and walking some more for a full day and a full night. They reached a sign that read

“Welcome to Nebraska!” In massive letters, it was covered in graffiti and rust from all the time it was out there with no one to keep it pretty.

As day turned to night once again, Joel and Y/N found a place far from any life that would be out there, and called it a night.

Joel watched Y/N lay out his sleeping bag and turned to do the same, he thought for a second and decided to speak on his thoughts.

“Y/N, bring your sleeping bag closer.”

“Uh, okay,” He moved his stuff closer and sat down on top of it. “Is everything alright Joel?”

Joel nodded, “Yeah just thinkin’” He said quietly.

“So you wanted me to move closer to you because you’re thinking?” Y/N laughed a little.

“Yeah about you idiot.”

Y/N looked and Joel confused

“Why are you so nice to me?”

Y/N went to speak but Joel cut him off

“I’m mean and I’m bossy, I have no redeeming traits.”

Joel finished and Y/N sat there for a minute thinking of what to say.

The hardened man he had grown to know just spilled out to him and he honestly didn’t know what to do.

“Joel, you saved my life, you’ve kept me out of danger that would have killed me by now, yes you’re mean but that’s who you are.” he finally said breaking the silence that seemed hours long.

Joel hugged Y/N, just like they hugged when Joel told him about Sarah.

“Can we uh, sleep like this?” Y/N suggested, still hugging Joel tight, he was enjoying the human touch just as much as Joel was.

“It’s kinda complicated with two separate sleeping bags Y/N. How big is yours?”

Y/N tensed at those words and Joel noticed.

“Your fuckin’ sleeping bag Y/N.” Joel said flatly.

“Oh it’s big enough for both of us I think, we’d have to squeeze together but it would work.”

Joel let go of Y/N and scooted out of his own sleeping bag and Y/N got in and opened up the zipper to let Joel squeeze in next to him. It was kind of uncomfortable at first for both of them and they knew they would wake up with aching backs but they repositioned themselves and got comfortable.

That was one of the first nights Joel had slept fully through.

‘I’m fuckin’ losin’ it.’ He thought when he woke up with the heat off of Y/N’s body radiating onto his back and an arm around his waist.

He was again, the first to wake up and the moment he moved to try and get up, Y/N woke up.

“You feeling better Joel?”

Joel hummed in response, as much as he hated feeling vulnerable, he really liked having someone not tell him that he should fix himself.

“Good, let’s get going.”

The two packed up their stuff and trekked through rain and sun until they reached a sign that brought a smile to Joel’s face.

It was the first time that Y/N had seen Joel smile a genuine smile.

“Kay enough ogling the sign let’s go find Tommy.” Y/N smiled.

“Welcome to Wyoming.”

As Joel and Y/N walked further into the state, they were awestruck about how beautiful the landscape managed to stay,

“Joel listen,” Y/N whispered

“It’s just deer Y/N.”

“No those steps are too heavy.”

“Well, whatever it is I’m sure they don’t need us to help, there’s no screaming.”

Y/N nodded and they kept walking.

They had finally reached Casper, the last place Joel had heard from Tommy, the city was desolate, not a single form of life as far as the eye could see. Joel’s joy suddenly disappeared.

“Where is he?” Y/N asked quietly.

“I- He-.”

Joel screamed out Tommy’s name, he didn’t want to think that he wasn’t here anymore, he needed him back. Ten years was a long time without your brother.

“Joel we’ll find him don’t worry,” Y/N went to put his hand on Joel’s shoulder, put Joel pushed it away before it even made contact.

“You don’t know dangerous this place is for him, Y/N. He could be dead.” Joel started getting angry and Y/N backed away from him.

“Joel, I do know.” Y/N assured

“You only survived because I helped you, you were unarmed and you would have died, and do you think Tommy is armed?”

“Yes Joel, he was a firefly of course he would be armed.”

Joel sighed and stopped talking and Y/N scanned his face for any emotion.

“I need to go, I dug myself too deep and I need to go and you need to go back to San Francisco.”

“Joel, I can’t go back, they’ll kill me, and I know you’ve been smuggling for a long time but you were just as lost as I was when we needed to find a map, I can help you Joel.” Y/N begged.

“No, I’m going to look all around here and find my fucking brother.”

Joel walked away and Y/N just watched him,

“Joel, don’t fucking leave me here.” He started to get choked up.

Joel said nothing and kept walking.

Y/N accepted defeat and turned away so he wouldn’t have to watch Joel leave.

Just as Joel reached the door of the building they were in, he noticed a group of people walking towards it, he turned around and ran back to the room Y/N was in.

“I thought you were leaving, Joel.” Y/N said, he was sitting on the floor with back against the wall.

“There are people coming towards here, we need to hide. Right now.”

“What?”

“Right now, Y/N.”

Joel helped Y/N stand up and they found a smaller room off the room that they were already in and crouched down behind boxes.

They were in the same position they were the night they met. Joel was crouched in front of Y/N and pulling out his gun, and Y\N was behind Joel, he was armed this time, but it still felt the same to him.

“Joel, let me go out there I can protect myself.”

“No. You stay he-“

Before Joel could even finish his sentence, Y/N was getting up from behind him.

“Fuck. Y/N, get the fuck back behind me!” Joel whisper-shouted.

Y/N didn’t listen and he made his way back into the room they were in moments prior.

It was almost cliche how Y/N was struck down as soon as he walked into the open area. Joel heard the gunshot and booked it into the room.

“Holy shit.” is all he said when three firefly members stood in front of the door to leave.

“Joel?” Y/N asked weakly.

“Hey, stay with me Y/N don’t fucking do this, I’m sorry for what I said earlier please don’t fucking do this to me.” Joel started tearing up.

Four shots rung out through the building, Joel shot all three of the members, he missed one but almost instantly got them down with the fourth shot.

“Joel, who were those people?”

“I don’t know Y/N,” Joel looked down to see blood spilling onto the floor. “Fuck, c’mon we have to get you up.” Y/N winced as Joel tried to slide his arm under his waist.

“Joel stop.” Y/N said, pushing Joel’s arms off of him.

“Please, Y/N I- I’m sorry for saying you would have died back in Chicago.”

Joel just broke down at this point, he gripped onto the front of Y/N’s shirt and held him in his arms, just like he did that night in Nebraska it hit him, he realized that no matter how much he tried, people around him would keep getting hurt or killed, it happened to Sarah, God knows what happened to Tommy, and now it’s Y/N.

All Joel could think about was how he said that Y/N would have never survived and that’s why he got up when he had told him to stay behind him,

He wanted to prove to Joel that he could save himself.

And that’s what killed him. Words that came out of Joel’s mouth. Words that Joel said to him. Joel thinking that he was weak.

The man would never forgive himself, he would never let anyone close to him ever again in fear of the pattern repeating.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #297

“crushed, damned, and broken; lost, sick, and left unspoken.”

When was the last time you did clay work/pottery? Not since high school when I made an anatomically correct heart. Do you like art, hate it or just not mind it? I adore it. Is crime a big problem in your area? Oh yes. What's the scariest story/urban legend/creepypasta etc you heard? Maaaan, as a cryptic fanatic, that's hard. Maybe the Rake. What personality trait does nearly everyone in your family seem to have? We're some resilient motherfuckers. What is your favorite soda? Well, it's technically strawberry Sunkist, but I do NOT let myself have it because I will fucking chug it and binge on them if available to me. So, I just consider Mountain Dew Voltage my fave. When you're on the beach, do you throw beached sea creatures back? I've never even seen a beached animal. I would, though. Have you ever thrown food at someone? Yeah, small food fights as a kid or joking with a friend. Have you ever been to a bonfire? Yeah. Do you like orangutans? I love them; such fascinating, enchanting animals that act more human than people half the time. When you see a bug flipped on his back, what do you do? It depends on what it is, but I usually try to help it. Is cereal good? Yeah, I love cereal. Do you like spaghetti? Love it. It was my favorite food as a kid. Is there any kind of weapon in your bedroom? No. Do you like snow globes? I love 'em! Be honest, did Fifty Shades of Grey arouse you in any way? I didn't read it and never will. What does your sibling(s) call you? "Britt" or "(little/big) sister." Do you have any close friends that are the opposite sex that your significant other dislikes? N/A Do you honestly believe everything happens for a reason? Why or why not? Nope, because I want you to explain to me why a child dies of cancer. Why the 11-year-old was raped and forced to bear the child. Why a partner is beaten to death by their s/o, etc. etc. Things just... happen. Do you believe in reincarnation? Why or why not? No, mostly; I DO kinda wonder about it, I just find it unlikely. It would be kinda poetic, though: being given the chance to experience so many unique things. But, I kinda want a conclusion to my mortal life. The Hunger Games or The Maze Runner? I read the first HG and loved it; I started the latter novel while I was in the psych hospital for a while, but I never finished it or got that far in. It did sound pretty good, though. Has anyone you’ve known claimed to be psychic? Well, they believe(d) in tarot readings; does that count? Idk. Did/do you believe them? I wouldn't. Is anything annoying you right now? "Annoyed" is a fucking understatement when it comes to what transpired at the capitol a few days back. Have you ever been ice-skating? No. Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep? It can, depending on how heavy it is. Have you ever seen an albino person, in person? Albino, no, but I knew a guy and his sister in high school who had vitiligo. Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? Yeah, at the ER and hospital. Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? I don't believe so. What would you say is your strongest felt emotion right now? Rage. I'm not over "the event." I'm just tired of humanity. Are you talking to anyone at the moment? No. Do you have trust issues? Oh yes. Have you ever found an arrow head? No. Who is with you? My mom's home. What can you not stop thinking about? *points upwards* Then there's Jason because PTSD, that's very normal. Do you forgive easily? I forgive very easily, honestly. In what part of your life so far, have you learned the most about yourself? 2017, when recovery began. I think... or maybe 2018, idk. I've truly come to discover myself quite a lot the past few years. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No. Are your ears pierced? Yeah: my earlobes twice, and then my right tragus has a stud. I want to get my others back... I had to take them all out in the psych hospital, and a lot of my piercings closed up. The only one I don't wanna re-do is my anti-tragus, because mine was *always* inflammed and aggravated. What did you last say out loud? "Okay" to Mom. What are you waiting on? Right now, an opportunity to go to the parlor I'm getting my tat tidied up at to get a price range on it. They just need to be open while we're out of the house. Do you tell people when they get on your nerves? Not really. Are your feelings hurt easily? Yep. What's the most expensive piece of clothing you have? Did you buy it yourself? I dunno... I very rarely get new clothes, nevermind expensive ones. Who is your closest platonic friend of the opposite sex? His nickname is Girt. He's been my best male friend since high school; we even hang out sometimes, but it's been a long while. How do you think your first relationship shaped who you are as a partner now? As a partner, it taught me to not fall head over heels and love more realistically and in a healthy fashion. I don't put my faith solely into them, but myself, too. I also accept "forever" is not always true just because they promise it. Who is your favorite protagonist of the same sex? Oh god, this is hard. I suppose maybe Tyrande Whisperwind from WoW. I love her dedication to her people and that her story has become more interesting in her finally "breaking." I could list so, so many "faves," tbh. Were you popular in high school? What was your reputation like? No; I was just the average teen. Have you always known your sexual orientation or did something happen to make you realize it? Somethings happened. There were a lot of hints building up before I even began to consider the possibility, but a daydream solidified it as fact. What was the hardest part of your last break up? Realizing I still wasn't "ready" or "fit" for a successful relationship. What brought you out of the hardest period in your life? As strange as it sounds, my suicide attempt put it into action. I was obviously hospitalized for a while, and then I was brought into a month-long partial hospitalization program that has a fucking genius psychiatrist, and I also had daily therapy as long as school days during the week. It was the intense help I needed. What's your favorite kind of smiley face? (: Does anybody know your deepest darkest secret? My old therapist and maybe my mom; I can't remember if I told her. Did you ever watch Rugrats? (the babies) I LOVED that show! I even had two of the video games. What about Hey Arnold? Ugh, I hated it, but I think my little sister did, or we just watched it if we couldn't find anything else. Do you like pep rallies? NO. NO. NO. My teachers always understood that they really stoked my anxiety and allowed me to opt out of going. I'd just stay in the classroom and read or something. Have you ever had pneumonia? No. What do you feel about surgeries? Do they worry you? I fear anesthesia awareness, but not to a debilitating degree or anything that makes me panic beforehand or anything like that. Do you play Minecraft? if so, feelings about servers? Never have, and not interested. Do you read creepypastas? Nah. Do you think vlogging in public is scary? It seems awkward as FUCK to me. Even alone. Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? No. What social class would you say you're in? I think we're actually near the poverty line (or were, idk anymore, Mom slipped it before), so definitely lower. Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? No. How do you feel about guns? They scare me. What's the most traumatizing event that ever happened to you? A very abrupt and poorly-executed breakup while being madly in love to the point of obsession with the person. Are you faint to the sight of blood? No. Do you like spicy food? Yes. Do you have good dreams or nightmares more? Well, considering I was woken up by myself shrieking my lungs out this morning, guess. It seemed for a little bit that my nightmares were chilling out, but I guess not. When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? Does my mother telling me I'm saying too many "f-bombs" count? I dunno otherwise. What’s your second favorite color? Maroon. Do you ever wish you lived in a different country? Hey Canada, mind adopting me? Who’s the last person you “pounded” fists with? Ha, I think my nephew. Have you ever been involved in an affair? No. Wait, maybe? Does the Joel thing count? We never even physically met each other, we were just being idiot kids flirting over text messages. You be the judge, ig. How many times a week do you speak to your boss? I don’t have a job. What do you want for your birthday? Just donate to my tattoo fund lmao. Having to get my laptop fixed fucked up my plans yet again... Have you ever been to a masquerade? No. Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? A handful, yeah. Who in your phone has a heart after their name? Just Sara does. Anything you’re avoiding? Always. After breaking up, what’s the worst? Letting go if you're the one who still has feelings. Does your sibling have a significant other? I don't know if my brother does, or the half-sister I've never met. Another sister is engaged, and two are married. Nicole is single, though. She's smart as hell about who she dates; she's probably pickier than me. Do you use Skype? Just to talk with Sara. Are you a fan of acrylic nails? I wouldn't wear them, but they look fine on some people. Except when they're square shaped. Name one happy song that describes you better than any other. "Get Up" by Mother Mother comes to me first. Name one sad/mellow song that describes you better than any other. Haha I connect with a lot of sad songs and would honestly rather not dig through 'em right now. What is your most used pick up line? None, they're all awful. Do you like the taste of alcohol? Noooooo no no. The only alcoholic drinks I like are very weak and sweet. What kinds of food make you sick? So this probably sounds so stupid, but "fancy" foods, like stuff with a lot of ingredients my body isn't used to, I guess. My stomach is very finicky with foods, so it's easy to make this list.

[holochromatic]

rules: answer 30 questions and tag people you would like to get to know better.

tagged by: @fuckyfarnes just now and @greenangelheart ages ago, oops

gender: cis female

star sign: capricorn

height: 5’9"

favourite bands: queens of the stone age, editors, stone temple pilots, puscifer, the killers, dethklok (i'm trash ok), gunship, duran duran, soundgarden, eagles of death metal, them crooked vultures, psychedelic furs, gorillaz

favourite solo artists: chris cornell, lorde, billy joel, brandon flowers

current favourite song: I Appear Missing bc it's the most bucky song i've ever heard and i am always sad about james buchanan barnes

last movie i watched: i think it was sicario? idk what it was for sure, it was like a month ago

last tv show i watched: the last thing i watched was the CLE @ MIN game in puerto rico. i think the last thing i saw that was a show show was The Zoo

when i created this blog: okay i looked this up once and i think it was march 2016? it's kind of hard to remember bc i'd had a marvel sideblog for a while, but decided to make a main for it once the fandom for my previous main started dying. (i miss you, mmfd)

what i post: anything related to comics. i mostly post marvel properties and cast members, but occasionally some dc, image, and dark horse stuff too

last thing i googled: east of west tv show amazon (i am so excited about this omg)

any other blogs: i have a sideblog for everything that isn't comics. it's an absolute mess. @deeperisleep

do i get asks: not a whole lot, but more than i used to. i probably average a couple a month

followers: 2138. i lost several after i dared talk about asexuality lmao (speaking of which, i'm not ignoring your message, anon. i've just not had the energy to answer it yet)

favourite colours: orange, purple, red, silver, copper, and lately rose gold

average hours of sleep: anywhere from 4 to 9, depending on how i'm feeling

lucky number: 11

instruments: i played the clarinet in high school. senior year was the bass clarinet

what i’m currently wearing: a light blue hospital gown with little dark blue and green sunbursts on it

how many blankets i sleep with: just a sheet for most of the year, but i do have a comforter for the really cold nights

dream job: the real, it-could-never-happen dream was astronaut. the more attainable one was asl translator/speech therapist or music teacher

dream trip: the dream trip is to just go and never come back tbh. i'd love to be able to go from country to country, city to city on one big continuous journey. i'd spend a month or three in each place and then move on. that way i could see all the places i want to see, which include belize, greece, morocco, south africa, tanzania, barbados, chile, ecuador, wales, italy, scotland, japan, ireland, germany, iceland, new zealand, china, india, spain, the phillipines... just everywhere. i want to see the entire world, save for north korea and any other places who don't want me to visit. i don't want to force any place to host me

do i have a crush: in real life, no. in Unattainable Celebrity Land, absolutely. sebastian mostly, but also lupita and hayley. also brandon flowers a bit. seb is the only full-force, they've-been-in-my-dreams (no, not like that, geez), i-might-die-if-i-ever-looked-them-in-the-eye kind of crush though. he's the only celeb i've had a legit crush on, tbh

favourite animal: emperor tamarin

hair colour: dark brown

i tag: @sighodinson @batfamiliy @directorrogers  @tiredbuchanan @buckysoldatbarnes @sebrostan @imperatorrrrr @dorkychris @daysoffuturepast @thewinterbucky @greggybird

and anybody else who would like to do this -- just say i tagged you bc i'd love to learn more about all of my followers! 💜

[cwnerd12]

. David is in the council chamber, surrounded by everyone. David, “I've had the idea for a North American Union for a while. The coup attempt in Moab made me really start to think about it, and this whole mess with Mercy has convinced me that it needs to happen. Kings need to be held accountable. There needs to be a set of laws in place that mean you can’t just declare war for no reason. There needs to be a system in place that guarantees stable rule, not just a series of coup after coup. This union could be it." Abby, "David, you are going to be asking monarchies that have ruled absolute for over five hundred years to cede some of their power. It's a noble idea, but it’s going to be impossible-” David interrupts, "We've done the impossible.” Joel, “It’s not entirely impossible. We can find ways to create social pressure in other countries.” Asher rolls his eyes, “I’m not even going to get into the hypocrisy of creating a union to end coups by threatening to start an uprising.” Jack speaks up, “The heirs.” David, “What?” Jack, “We're not alone. Leon. Quentin. Maybe Iris. We can get them on our side.” Abby, "We have that big state dinner in Gath coming up. We may be able to pull something then. But even if that works, Quentin is only second in line to the throne of Edom, and thanks to my brother, that role is in question. Edom and the Merritts are entirely bound by honor and tradition, and Lawrence is very set in his ways. Honestly, I think we’ll have an easier time getting Ammon to sign on than Edom.” David, “I still want to move forward. If we can build momentum, that can still lead to something happening. I'm serious. Abby, I want you and Joel to put together a rough draft of what an agreement might look like. I know it's crazy, but crazy is nothing new." Abby sighs, “Fine. But, seriously, the state dinner in Gath is what we need to be focused on. It’s Michael's big chance to show off al the progress that's been made since the peace deal. He's going to want his ego flattered, and yes, David, you're the one who has to do it." David rolls his eyes, "Is there anything else today?” Monique speaks up, "You're meeting with Annie Leung, the documentary maker.” David, “What?” Monique, "The AFG documentary I've been trying to put together for the past three years. You’re meeting with the director to discuss things.” David, “Like being interviewed?” Monique, “We’re all being interviewed this week, you need to set something up. You knew this was coming.” David, “Yeah, I did, I just… thought it was still a ways off.” He sighs and makes a face. Jack grins at Monique, “Told you.” David, “Told her what?” Jack, “You’d be like this,” he puts on a mocking pout and adopts a low, dramatic voice, “I don’t want to talk about it.” David, "I don't like bringing up the past, all right? I do enough of that shit with my therapist.” Monique, "You were just talking all about the future a second ago. Don't you know that the past and the future are all tied up together?” 

David sits across from Monique and Annie Leung. David, “You'll have to forgive me. Monique probably already warned you, I don't really like talking about the war.” Annie, "It's very important history that needs to be recorded.” Monique, "I wouldn't have brought Annie here if I didn't absolutely know that she's the right person for this job." David, "Yeah, yeah, I know. I completely trust your  judgement in all of this, it's just the whole digging up the past thing. People have this image of the war and how it all went, and how it was great and glorious and a lot of fun. It… it wasn't fun. It actually sucked. A lot. And that’s the thing I don't like talking about.” Annie, “Well, that's what I'm interested in hearing. I don't want to make some big patriotic piece of propaganda. I know the war had to suck for you, but it also fucking sucked for the people who were trying just to live through it. Honestly I think the only person the war didn't completely suck for was Alek Amal. I want to tell the real truth, not just the truth we tell ourselves.” David, "Okay. I like that. I’m starting to see why Monique chose you." Annie, “ I actually spent a fair amount of time embedded with the AFG. I got some incredible footage that will be the backbone of much of the story. I've spent the past year or so conducting interviews with AFG veterans.” David, "Oh yeah? Like who?” Annie, "Adam Solano.” David, "Adam? Seriously? Jeez, I haven't heard from him since... since he left. I’ve tried to keep track of him, but he kind of went into hiding. I guess that means you've also talked to Beth, right?" Annie, "I have." David, “See, this is why I don't like talking about the past. I mean, I know it's an important part of the story, and I'm not gonna deny that it happened-” Annie, “Do you mean the affair, or the death of Ryan Hitt?” David grows flustered and shifts uncomfortably in his seat, “It wasn't an affair- I, I mean, yeah, okay, I- I cheated, but that’s all it was,” he sighs, "See, this is why I don't like talking about the past. It just makes everything hurt again.” Annie, “You need to talk about it.” David, “Yeah, I know. And I will.” 

In the residence, Jack, Michelle, and Rose go through old pictures while Daniel plays happily on the floor. Rose, “I hope this documentary is fair to your father. The biography that came out last year was terrible.” Michelle, “It told the truth.” Rose, “It was very biased.” Michelle, “Has it ever occurred to you that you might be a little biased?” Rose, “Your father deserves at least one person advocating for him. I don’t want him to be misunderstood.” Michelle, “What’s there to misunderstand?” Jack rolls his eyes, “Stop!” Rose, “Do you know what you’re going to say, Jack?" Jack sighs, “No.” Rose, “You should think of what you want to say beforehand, so you can go in prepared.” Jack, “It’s a lot of talking." Rose, "Oh, please don't be like that, Jack. You've made an incredible amount of progress, and you should be proud. I certainly am, and your father would be, too." Michelle, "Do you think Dad would be happy to have Daniel as a grandson?" Rose, "Oh, what kind of question is that?" Michelle, “The kind of question that’s been bothering me since Daniel was born." Rose, “Honestly, I still don't see why you insist that Jack couldn't be a father biologically." Jack, "I don't want to." Michelle, “How many times are we going to have this argument?” Rose, “I’m not arguing. And your father would love Daniel as a grandson. He truly was changing as a person before his death. That’s what I want people to understand. Some things might have taken some getting used to, but he would be happy for you.” On the floor, Daniel starts fussing and crying. Rose goes over to him, "Oh no, what's wrong?” Michelle looks at her watch, "Almost lunch time. Abby will be here soon." Jack, "Bring him here." Rose picks Daniel up and makes a face, "Oh, he needs a diaper change." Jack, “I’ll get it.” He stands up and Rose hands Daniel over to him.

In the nursery, Jack finishes with the diaper change. Daniel squirms and fusses. Jack gently shushes him and picks him up, “I know, I know. It sucks. Can’t talk. Can’t walk. I been there.” He smiles affectionately at Daniel, and then gently kisses his forehead.

In his office, Liam finishes his interview with Annie Leung and her crew. Liam, “So that's it?” Annie, "Yes, you gave us some excellent footage, thank you." Liam, "So tell me, what did Adam Solano say?" Annie, "You'll have to watch when it airs.” Liam, “Seriously? Come on, I fought beside the guy, I want to know if he’s okay.” Annie, “If I tell you, you’ll tell David and the others, and they’ll respond to what Adam said when they tell their stories. The whole idea of telling their personal truth falls apart.” Liam, “I swear I won’t tell David.” Annie, “I’d rather not risk it.” The door opens, and Rose’s secretary, Kiera, enters. Liam keeps on with Annie, “Would you tell me if I bought you dinner.” Annie, “I absolutely do not date my subjects.” Liam, “We’re done with the interview, I’m not your subject any more.” Kiera, “Here’s today’s press report, Captain Montrose.” Liam takes some papers from her, “Thank you, Kiera,” he turns back to Annie, “Come on, we're both in the media. We’d have plenty to talk about.” Annie, “I’m flattered, but not interested.” 

Annie and Kiera leave Liam’s office at the same time. Kiera glances over at Annie, "You dodged a bullet there.” Annie, “Excuse me?" Kiera, "He's banged so many secretaries around here, Queen Rose had to put a ban on it." Annie, “Thanks for the warning.” Kiera, “Hey, gotta look out for each other.” 

Joel and David talk in David’s office. Joel, “It’s very rough, but there’s a declaration of human rights, the establishment of a war crimes tribunal, and a system of mutual protection against militias, terrorists, and coups.” David, “Excellent. This is exactly what I wanted.” Joel, "It's gonna get a lot more complicated once Abby starts working on it." David, "That's always what happens. But this is great. It’s definitely something we can start with." Joel, "Before I go, I have something to ask." David, "Yeah?" Joel, “The documentary. We still saying I didn't know about Beth?" David doesn’t look him in the eye, “Say whatever you want. It doesn't matter any more.” Joel, "Except it kinda does. You admitting to lying would seriously undermine this whole thing.” David, "So the only way to deal with it is more lying?" Joel, “If it means this Union goes through, then, yeah.” David stares at him unhappily.  

The street of Ashdod are lined with cheering and sign-waving onlookers. In the royal limousine, David looks out in amazement, “Shit, never thought we’d get this kind of reception in Ashdod.” Jack grins in the seat beside him. David, "You know, the last two times I entered Ashdod, I was unconscious, severely wounded, and wondering if I'd ever see you again. This is a major improvement.” Jack eyes the skyline. David, “You feel that?” Jack, “Feel what?” David, “Exactly. No potholes. Look,” he looks around at the passing scenery, “Construction. When was the last time you saw construction in Ashdod? It’s all because of the economic restructuring deal.” Jack, quietly, “Hm.” David looks over at him, “You okay?” Jack, “Head hurts a little. I’m okay.” David, “You sure? We can take a break once we get to the hotel.” Jack, “I’ll be fine.” David, “When was the last time you had a seizure?” Jack, “David!” David, “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Jack gives him a dirty look. David, "Sorry. Guess I'm more nervous about this thank I thought.

The motorcade pulls up to the People's Hotel. Crowds cheer wildly as David steps out of the limo and waves. He looks up at the heavily renovated facade of the building as Jack gets out beside him. David, “Geez, guess they have made a few changes.” 

The lobby inside is completely unrecognizable. Liam is there waiting for David and chatting with a pretty woman dressed professionally. There’s a hubbub outside. Liam says to the woman, "Guess he's here." The front doors open, and David enters with Jack. Liam goes up to them, “David!” David, “What?” Liam, “I have someone I’d like you to meet,” he gestures back to the woman, “This is Lisa Smith, she’s a reporter with Gath's national news service. She would like to talk to you while you tour the hotel.” David, “Tour?” Liam, “Yeah as part of the coverage for tonight’s dinner. It’s kind of a big deal. Trying to change Gath’s image and all. Show that it’s got money now and it can be glamorous or some shit.” David, “What, do you want to see where I got poisoned?” Lisa, "Yes, exactly!" David, “Michelle is here with Abby, she might be able to help you." Lisa, "I won't take too much of your time!" Liam, “Come on, a little quick publicity." David, "I can't," he glances over at Jack, "I have something I need to take care of." 

In his hotel room, David meets with Abby, who has a breast pump strapped to her chest. Abby, "Joel worked the language so the human rights section is a little more binding. It’s in very good shape. Really, all it comes down to is how it's received.” David, “Excellent." Abby, "You have to be a statesman, David. Michael is probably gonna try to upset you, and you can't take the bait." David, “We’ve had this conversation before.” Abby, “And you never listen! We’re here promoting peace!" David, “I’ll behave.” Abby, “You need to especially be on your best behavior this evening. This dinner is a huge fucking deal for Gath.  She glances down at the full bottles attached to the pump and mutters, “Shit.” She turns the pump off and starts un-strapping herself. She goes on, “Look, since Daniel was born, I’ve been trying very hard not to make this shit personal, but since my son is the heir to your throne, it kind of fucking is. If we can pull this off, it could be one of the greatest things we ever do for Daniel as parents.” David, “Abby, do you seriously think that I’m not constantly thinking about that? Every night when I’m trying to fall asleep, that’s all I can think about, how am I gonna fuck this all up for Daniel?” Abby, “So will you please do that?” David, “Yes, I will.” 

In the hallway, Michelle talks to Lisa the reporter and her cameramen, with Liam hanging in the back. Michelle, “Really, most of the drama happened in these rooms. We did all our planning and building and training downstairs, but in our rooms, on personal time, that’s where the family really came together.” At the other end of the hallway, Shay leans slumped against a wall, staring at the floor, deep in her thoughts. Joel opens the door of his room and steps out. He sees Shay, and stands across from her, “Hey, I thought you were looking around." Shay, “Yeah, we did. Really, there’s not much to see. They completely fucking changed the place, there's nothing to see. They took the karaoke stage out, now the bar's some kind of bougie-ass bistro or some shit,” she attempts a laugh, “It's like they're trying to erase us or something." Joel, “Well, if I were Michael, I wouldn't want to remind people that revolutions can start in Gath, too." Shay, "This shit didn't start in Gath, it… got sidelined to Gath for a little bit.” Joel, "Still, mass prison break-outs, covert bombing campaigns, David partying with his shirt off, all things I’m sure the government here would rather people forget.” Shay has to laugh a little bit, and then grows sad, nostalgic, “You know, I always kinda figured we’d be back here at some point. I mean, if we’re running the Gilboan government, then, yeah, it makes sense that we’d have to deal with Gath at some point. I always kinda figured I’d make it back here as General Mendoza… I just never thought I’d be back here without Isaiah.” The door beside her opens, and David steps out, followed by Jack and Abby. David, “Hey, you guys ready?” Shay, shifting her tone, “Yeah.” David, “Let’s go, then.” 

In a negotiating room, David, Jack, Abby, Shay, and Joel sit across from Michael, Leon, and a bunch of other Gath officials. David, “First of all, I would like to congratulate Gath on the incredible progress that I witnessed on the drive here.” Michael, “Thank you. The economic restructuring was very difficult to implement, and it continues to present challenges, but we’re determined to make it work. One of the greatest challenges that I've faced, however, is changing the old misconception that Gath is a military power, and a military power, only, that we can’t have the cultural and economic power that other countries have.” David, “That’s what tonight’s dinner is for. I wanted to meet with you this afternoon because I’d like to invite to join my proposed North American Union.” Michael flips through some papers, "Yes, I've read through your proposal." David goes on, "The North American Union will be bound by a body of laws that will hold each member nation accountable for preventing wars and upholding human rights. It will mean that leaders like us can no longer just declare war on a whim because we want something." Michael, "Is this inspired by what happened with Mercy Abbadon?" David, "In part, but also because of the attempted coup in Moab. During his life, King Warner frequently funded insurgent groups in both Moab and Gilboa-” Michael cuts him off, "Insurgent groups like the AFG?" David, "The NAU will also mean that leaders like King Silas can no longer just make his political opponents disappear. There won't be a need for freedom groups like the AFG." Leon, "The proposal is intriguing, but realistically, this is all going to be very difficult to impose. Edom, Samaria, Aram, and of course Ammon still have their own Ministries of State  Security-” Michael cuts him off, "As does Gath." Leon goes on, “How are you going to get a country like Ammon to join?" Abby, "This is where the power of unity comes in. The more countries that sign on to the union, the more we can exert economic and social pressure-” Michael, “Societal pressure? What does that mean?” David, “It means that a lot can happen when citizens start demanding their rights.” Michael, “You aren’t going to kidnap my brother again, are you?” Leon, “Oh my god, Michael!” David, "No, we don't plan on kidnapping anybody.” Leon, quickly changing tone, “I’ll be honest with you, I like this idea, but I need to go through it all very carefully to make sure that Gath will actually benefit from this." Michael, "You are asking Gath to willingly cede sovereignty to this union. Who is going to be in charge? Who’s the king?” David, “There is no king, it’s a body of laws.” Joel, “And an independent court system.” Michael, “How is Gath supposed to defend itself?” David, “Defense is fully allowed, but, more than anything, this union is a guarantee of peace.” Michael, “Do you know how many times King Silas guaranteed peace with Gath before?” David, “The big thing here is I’m not Silas.” Michael, “And yet you’re once again trying to take over Gath.” David, “It’s not-” Leon speaks up, “I think it’s a good idea. It still needs to be looked over-” Michael snaps at him, “You aren’t premiere, I am!” he looks over at David, “This is a Trojan horse. Clearly, you want to be King of North America, and this is how you’re doing it.” David, “If all I wanted was to increase my power and conquer Gath, I’d do it. This agreement forbids war for the sake of conquest, and it holds Gilboa accountable just like any other country.” Jack speaks up, “Michael, listen,” he speaks slowly and carefully, “I get it. You’re only premiere for ten years. You want a legacy, to be a leader, more than a footnote. That’s what you're doing, right?" Michael sighs with annoyance. Jack, "You won't do that keeping Gath in the past.” Michael glowers at Jack, recognizing that he’s made a point. Jack, “Other countries won’t- won’t…” he struggles with he words. Michael smirks, “Brain still scrambled, eh?” David, “That is enough!” Leon, “Seriously man, stop it.” Michael snaps, “You  aren’t the one in charge!” Abby, “Maybe we should take a break.” David, “That sounds like a good idea.” 

Out in the hallway, the Gilboans discuss strategy. Abby, “Okay, we’ve got a power struggle between brothers. So now what?” David, “I think Jack is on to something. We can try offering Michael some kind of leadership role…” Joel, “Offer him too much, he’ll take it over.” David, “What can we offer him that he’ll like, that he’ll respond to?” As they talk, someone comes up the hallway and goes towards the door. David glances up at the person, and sees that it’s Gerald, “Oh, what the fuck!” Gerald, “Pay me no mind.” David, “This meeting is for sitting officials only!” Gerald opens the door, “I’m not participating, just observing!” he slips into the room and closes the door. David tries to go after him, “This isn’t part of the agreement!” Abby, “David, I fucking told you he’d show up!” David, “I don’t want him in the room!” Abby, “Then ignore him!” Jack, trying to get David back on track, “David! Michael. We’re talking about Michael” David sighs and glances back at the door, “Yeah, okay. I- I think you’re right, we should offer to make him a part of this whole process. The question is, can we give him an important role where he still won’t be able to get in our way?”  Jack, “Dinner. The dinner is important.” He stops taking and looks at his hand. David, “So what do we do, just flatter his ego until we leave for dinner, and then flatter him even more?” Abby, “If it gets the job done.” Jack keeps staring down at his hand and mutters, “Aw, fuck.” David, “What?” Jack softly, “I got the lights.” David’s mood immediately shifts to concern. He puts a hand on Jack’s shoulder, “Okay, we’ll get you back up to the room, I guess we can put this meeting on hold.” Jack, “No. You- you keep going.” David, “I don’t want to leave you alone.” Jack, “No!” he waves his hand, “You keep going.” He goes over to his assistant, and then turns back to David, “You go. I’ll be at dinner.”

The Gilboans file back into the meeting room, without Jack. Gerald sits imperiously in a corner. David glances over at him. He mutters to Abby, “Can we get him to leave?” Abby, “Ignore him.” They all sit down. Michael, “Where is Jack?” Abby, “Unfortunately, while we were in discussion, Jack began to experience some pre-seizure symptoms, and had to leave.” Leon, "Is he okay?" David, "Yeah, he's got an aide who's an ex-AFG medic, so he's being looked after.” Michael, “How often does this happen?” David, bristling, “Not often.” Abby, “To get back to the subject at hand, it would be beneficial to all of us if Gath were to take a leadership role in promoting the Union. People who might not be willing to listen to David would be perfectly willing to listen to you.” Michael looks at David and says very carefully, “You know David, I do appreciate that you must be very concerned about Jack.” David, "Don't worry about it. He'll be at dinner. We're pretty used to dealing with it at this point.” Michael, "The two of you have been through quite a lot together." David, “Yes, we have." Michael, "Then hopefully you will appreciate that in matters of international politics, Gath isn't willing to bend over quite as easily as Jack does.” David gets to his feet, “That's enough.” Leon yells at Michael, “Jesus!” Abby, “If you're just going to resort to homophobic insults, these negotiations cannot go forward.” David, “We’re not going to your dinner.” Abby and Michael at the same time, "What?" David, “I understand that Gath wants to be a leading nation in international politics, but in order to do that, it needs an actual leader. Until then, the rest of the world is going to continue to see Gath at it always has: as a complete fucking dump." He storms out of the room. 

Back in the lobby of the hotel, Liam still chats with Lisa. His phone buzzes, and takes it out and looks at it, "Oh, no." Lisa, "What is it?” Liam, "Dinner's cancelled." Lisa, "What? Seriously? The dinner's supposed to be a really big deal." Liam shrugs and puts his phone back in his pocket, “Eh, that's diplomacy for you. Something's always getting messed up." Lisa sighs, "I had the most beautiful dress picked out. We still don’t get many occasions to dress up here." Liam, "Tell you what. You and I can still go have a nice dinner. If that goes well, you can take me back to your apartment and show me that beautiful dress. How about it?” Lisa laughs, “Okay.” 

Abby and Michelle sit in their hotel room. Abby, "I can’t believe Michael would be such a fucking dick. I mean, I can, but not in a major diplomatic meeting." Michelle, "Everything he learned about diplomacy, he learned watching Gerald and Silas. Petty insults and saying no are all he knows." Abby, “It's another night that I have to spend away from Daniel, and for what? We’ve accomplished nothing!" She sniffs and wipes her eyes. Michelle, “It’s not a completely wasted evening. You’re here in Ashdod, and this time, I'm here too, and, hopefully, this time, you won’t be too afraid to make a romantic advance on me.” Abby sighs and rolls her eyes, “Is that a hint?” Michelle, “Between my residence any Daniel, when was the last time we got a nice evening together?”

In the renovated bar area of the Hotel, Joel and Shay drunkenly karaoke “What’s Up” by 4 Non-Blondes, “HEEEEEEEY-eeeeeey-eeeeeey-ey-ey, HEEEEEEEEEY-ey ey! I said hey! What’s goin’ on?!” A small gathered crows applauds for them. Shay, “Thank you! This is for our brother, Isaiah Clemens! Who should fucking be here right now!” Joel pours out the contents of the bottle in his hands. A Hotel employee hurries up, “Sir, you’re making a mess!” 

In their room, David and Jack sit on their bed, eating burgers and shakes, watching Real Housewives. Jack, with a full mouth, “Gath food still sucks.” David laughs and takes a slurp from his shake, “Hey, at least there’s no aconite this time.” 

[sovereignofmysoul]

apologies to those on mobile,

My therapist wants me to try and follow the breadcrumbs in my brain. Follow the trail of emotion until you get to the root cause. Dig and dig and dig some more until you finally get to the root emotion that’s causing this anger.

I know what’s causing the anger. It’s grief. Grief, and sadness, and fear. 

i’m dealing with this the only way i know how. 

badly.

so, see, the thing is that my great-grandma, the strongest woman i’ve ever known, the woman who raised me, the woman who i’ve always felt accepted my. the woman whose love was given freely, and didn’t come with a price tag. the best person i’ve ever known, she’s recently died. 

And I’m very ... so very sad. 

You wanted me to find the root cause, Joel? You know what it is, you just wanted to make sure I did, didn’t you? I’ve read more about psychology than anyone else I know and it’s strictly because of my own mental health struggles.

And listen, I know logic in relation to mental illness isn’t always logic. you may know logically what your emotions are, and why you’re feeling them, but that doesn’t make them any easier to control or feel. 

And I’m just, just so fucking sad.

Of course I’m sad, death is hard. even if it’s been expected even if she’s been sick for so long that death feels like a relief even if you know that she isn’t hurting even if even if even if 

I know I feel sad. I know I’m grieving. 

This knowledge doesn’t dim the anger. I feel so fucking mad, and half the time I’m torn between false mania and screaming my heart out in empty fields at night. (am i trying to become a cryptid by scaring locals? or am i just relieving stress the only healthy way i know how? the answer is one and the same)

See, the thing is - the thing is -

i cannot begin to describe the hole her death has left in me. 

i’m real good at denial, and it’s a skill i’ve honed very well over the years. so sometimes, sometimes i try to forget she’s gone. but it’s hard to trick yourself into thinking someone is still alive when you watched them die. and i also don’t ever want to do anything that would tarnish my relationship with her, and it feels like denial would do exactly that.

i walked into her hospital room two weeks ago, and it almost feels like i never left. 

i watched her die. slowly, and god i hope not painfully, but i’ll never know.

this woman - she had a heart attack. a widowmaker at ninety years old, and she fucking survived it. she was ninety years old, and lived for a fucking week and a half after the heart attack. she didn’t have any water in that time, and she didn’t have food. she had morphine, and that was it. no oxygen, no tubes, no life support. she had a DNR and honestly? I’m kind of glad. 

she wouldn’t’ve wanted us to see her like she was. she would’ve hated it. she would’ve hated being kept alive when her body was ready to give up. 

i’m glad she had a DNR, if only for selfish reasons. i saw my grandpa die a slow and painful death, i saw him wither and decay until he was a shell of his former self, and i wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. i never wished that for her.

as it was, the week and a half i spent in that goddamned hospital room will go down as one of the worst weeks in my life.

i got to know that hospital very well, and the main elevator we used to get to the third floor always smelled like blood. clean, sterile, fresh blood. 

i fucking hated it. 

.... i don’t really want to talk about her death. i don’t want to remember how horrific it felt to see her struggle for breath. to hear her gasp, and gurgle, and fight death with every tired bone in her body. i don’t want to talk about how she was knock knock knocking on heaven’s door, but no one was answering. i do’nt want to talk about how it felt like my heart was being buried with her. like a piece of me is missing. i don’t want to talk about my cousin’s sobs that i felt reverberate inside my head. how i fell like a marionette with its strings cut when i saw her in that godforsaken casket the first time. i don’t want to talk about the stuffed bird i wanted to put into the casket with her, but never did.i don’t want to talk about the rose i plucked from her casket, and put on the dash of my car, and how it’s withered and dying, but i don’t want to throw it away because in a weird, twisted way, it feels like it’s all i have left of her.

i don’t want to talk about the funeral. how i burst into hysterical giggles when My Heart Will Go On played, and when somewhere over the rainbow played, and how those hysterical giggles quickly turned into sobs. 

i don’t want to talk about how broken i feel. how it feels like something is stuck in chest, and it feels like i’m going to vomit because i’ve never cried this hard, or this long, but in the end it’s a sob that scrapes its way out, and it hurts. god, it hurts. 

i don’t want to admit that i feel alone without her stable presence in my life.

i do want to remember that my last words to her were I love you. that her last words to me were, “You are a blessing. Be good.” 

i had twenty four wonderful years with her in my life. she took care of me, and loved me, and made me feel accepted. accepted, and loved. so very loved. she was my lighthouse in stormy seas, and she’s one of the two reasons i didn’t kill myself when i was nineteen. 

and without her here, i feel un-moored. like a boat thats drifting further and further from the shore. i feel empty, and alone. 

i feel sad.

[bethanigoodrum]

Abortion

I was scrolling through facebook the other day and I came across a confession post of a woman stating that she had just had an abortion. It caught my eye and I starting reading through the comments against my better judgment. And unsurprisingly I saw comments saying “you should've been focusing on your degree rather than opening up your legs”, “you’re disgusting”, “If you can’t handle the repercussions of sex then you shouldn't be so irresponsible to have it in the first place”, “well aren't you just a real cunt”, “your mother should have done the same to you” and more of the same negative shit. I know that abortion is a tricky subject and that there will always be people with strong opinions such as that. And it didn't really affect me too much. But it made me think about how these are the messages I grew up with that originated from my family. It wasn't quite as crude as some of the comments online but I was told that it would reflect my own irresponsibleness if I could not handle the dangers of sex in the “correct” manner. And I was also told that I could never let my mom know about the abortion because it would break her heart with the knowledge that my soul is now destined for hell and that she would never be able to see me again after her death. All of these messages really reflect the image that it is the woman’s fault for having an unwanted pregnancy and that she has done something so terrible by having sex and utilizing the rights of her body.  And I guess with this post I just want to talk about how I became one of those “cunts”. My therapist in treatment gave me the assignment of processing anger and to express it and I hope that with this post I am able to take the anger off of myself and create a better understanding of how I feel about the situation and those involved. 

Because I do feel anger about this. I feel a lot of it. Before these last few weeks I always put a lot of the blame on myself for ending up pregnant. I would always think “it’s your fault for not forcing Joel to always wear a condom” or “it’s your fault for not getting the birth control prescription refilled before the doctor went on vacation, you could have prevented this”. And even though those thoughts are true, because I could have done more to prevent what happened, the blame is not all on me. Joel shares the blame and I have never allowed myself to feel upset at him for his role in the pregnancy until now. My friend asked me a few weeks ago if Joel had ever apologized to me for putting me in the situation that he did and with that question I realized that he never had. I’m not angry at him for not apologizing though. I’m angry at him for all of the actions he did that helped lead to the pregnancy. I’m so incredibly angry at him for starting off sex with a condom but then stopping and telling me that he wouldn't continue with it on. He put me in the position of trying to find the willpower to stop it all when every nerve in my body was saying to continue. And I know that I am to blame for letting him continue on but he always assured me that he knew what he was doing and that his pull out game never resulted in a pregnancy before and that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. But him taking off that condom did hurt me. He did it so often that I could never trust him by asking him to wear a condom. I feel that he didn't respect me enough to sacrifice the better feeling of going without a condom. 

I am so angry at him for the ways that he manipulated me in order to have more sex and the type of sex that he wanted. I feel so disrespected by him that he would hear my no for going again and he would disregard that and manipulate certain body parts and coax me until I relented and agreed to his wishes. I feel violated that he told me that he wanted to come inside of me even though I was not on birth control that month. That he again, kept on pushing me until I gave up and agreed because I felt so powerless even though it put me in a very bad position. I had to take the morning after pill which caused painful cramps simply because he thought it was sexy to have his cum inside me and that it felt better than pulling out. 

Two years ago Kong took my voice away from me when it came to sexual acts. He made it so that my voice was powerless to his desires and he has made me feel as if my voice doesn't matter. And I believe that this powerlessness that I feel carried into my relationship with Joel and I did not fight back much after Joel’s persuasions. Joel did not take my voice in the way that Kong did though. But Joel failed in making me feel as if my voice is important and valued. My opinion didn't seem important when going once or even twice wasn't enough for him. My opinion didn't matter when I didn’t want to have unprotected sex and my opinion didn't matter when I didn't want him to come in me. I didn’t learn from that relationship that when I voiced out what I desired, that it was equally valued as what Joel desired. I knew that I could keep on saying no, but I never truly believed that my no was respected in the way that it was supposed to be. And so I gave up. 

And knowing this, I know that for my next relationship to be healthy, I need to make my voice heard. I need to respect myself and my desires and not give into my partners desires. Because if I don't, then I risk the same fate that I had with Joel. 

So after all of that, am I an irresponsible bitch that didn't take sex as seriously as it is and acted recklessly and selfishly? I don’t think that I am. I think what this boils down to is the fact that there were two people having sex that both did not show a lot of respect. I didn't respect myself enough to be firm and continually say no again and again until I was able to push Joel and his horniness away. And Joel did not respect me enough to accept my no and understand how his persuasion affected the sense of my importance. And because of that I found myself in the position of making the decision to carry a pregnancy to term or to terminate it. Because of it I am plagued with the thoughts of “what if?” What gender would my baby have been? What kind of personality would it have had? Would it have been introverted and nerdy like me? Or extroverted and goofy like him? Would it have made me feel as if life was worth living? Would I have felt some kind of love towards it that I have never felt before? Would I have been able to look at it and see myself? I have to live with this decision for the rest of my life. Five years from now I will be thinking about how my child would have been starting school and would be wondering what kind of friends my child would make and what subjects my child would have enjoyed.  In fifteen years from now I will be thinking about how I could be teaching my child how to drive a car and guiding them through romance and heart break and how to be strong when the world tries to tear them down. The what ifs will always be there because there was a whole life that I had to give up and now it will just be in my imagination. And even though I do not regret my decision at all, it hurts me to know that this will forever be on my mind. 

But as much as the what ifs plague me, I do know what would have happened had I had this child. I would not have gone to treatment. My mental health would not have been a priority and I would not have been able to give the child a stable mother who was completely devoted to it and able to provide what it needed without destroying myself in the process. I know that by not having this child I am able to attempt to try and live a life of health and happiness that I have not had for the last 6 years. And even though my relationship with Joel was filled with a lot of toxicity that both of us brought to the relationship, I have learned from both his and my own mistakes how to be a better person to a future partner and most importantly how to be a better person to myself. And so that in the future I will hopefully be able to be with someone that respects me and can allow me to respect myself. And that with this person I can create a child that I am ready for and can be a better mother to.